Chapter Text
If someone were given the opportunity of a lifetime from the person they hated the most, would they accept? This was the question Eric Cartman was faced with one Saturday morning when he got a knock on his front door. The brunette remembered it was a Saturday morning like any other, he was downstairs eating Cheesy Poofs in his signature bear pajamas while watching The Terrance and Phillip Show .
Phillip: Lately Terrance, it appears you have a stick up your ass.
Terrance: No I don’t Phillip, see? (Fart noise)
Terrance and Phillip: Ha ha ha ha
“Ha, sweet dude” commented the overweight sociopath as he munched on a handful of poofs. The noise from the program was interrupted, however, when he heard a loud knock from the door.
“Eric, sweetie, can you get the door?” Liane Cartman, South Park’s notorious whore and Eric Cartman’s mother, called from the kitchen.
“Whatever Myem,” replied an annoyed Cartman as he begrudgingly got off the couch and answered the front door. When he opened the front door, however, he laid his eyes upon the last person that he would ever expect to see. In front of him was an average built teen in a black t-shirt and orange pants, sporting braces, freckles, and red hair that the fourth grader loathed.
“Hello brother, remember me?” Cartman’s eyes widened in surprise and horror when he glanced up at Scott Tenorman, his sworn enemy and older half-brother. The younger boy quickly changed his face to mask his fear and replaced it with annoyance.
“What the fuck are you doing here Tenorman and how did you find me anyway?”
“I’m insulted” Scott expressed in a dramatic tone as both his hands grasped his chest. “Can’t a boy visit his little brother without being accused of wanting something in return?” The overweight boy stared at the teen with that “yeah right” look before Scott quickly gave in and admitted that he had his ginger scouts locate him.
“That still doesn’t answer my question asshole, so let me repeat this again so your pussy ginger brain can understand it. What the fuck are you doing here?,” the latter part of the sentence being painfully drawn out as the ten year old evil genius was becoming more and more pissed off as this conversation drew on. Scott leaned against the doorframe and sighed before he revealed his true intentions for visiting him.
“Look, I have a deal for you and your mom that you won’t want to turn down. An agreement that would benefit both of us. Ever since my parents’ demise, I have been in and out of the mental institution and foster and frankly, both of them suck ass. I mean seriously, do you know how hard it is to get adopted when you're fifteen, have mental issues, and a ginger?”
“Can’t argue with you there,” Cartman agreed as he thought about the countless couples that must have overlooked Scott for younger and not creepy ginger kids.
“Anyways,” the teen carried on as he rolled his eyes and folded his arms over his chest, “the point is, I don’t want to go through that anymore and I would prefer just to live with you until I’m eighteen.”
“WHAT,” Eric exclaimed in utter disgust. “Now I know you’ve lost your mind ginger,” the younger boy fummed as he raised an accusing pointed finger at his nemesis. “What the HELL makes you think I would ever agree to let you live with me?” The redhead, seeming unfazed by the ten year old, glanced down at his sworn enemy and gave a simple reply.
“Money.”
“Huh,” Cartman responded, obviously confused.
“You heard me, money. When my parents died, I was left with an inheritance. Now, my mom was a stay at home wife so she didn’t have much other than her life insurance, but our father played for the Denver Broncos making thousands of dollars annually along with the pension he received after he retired. I can’t access the money until I turn eighteen, so currently, I am locked out of my own inheritance. If you let me live with you until I can access this money, I will give you and your mom half of it.” Cartman stood in utter bewilderment as he processed everything that the teen had laid on him before he quickly snapped out of it.
“Oh yeah, how do I know you’re not going to take off once you turn eighteen and leave me with nothing?” Cartman had learned from their first encounter to take everything that his older brother said with a grain of salt.
“If my word is not good enough for you, we can sign some paperwork making it official. However, the agreement is I have to live with you until I’m eighteen, otherwise the deal is off.” Cartman looked down at the ground and rubbed his chin when a thought struck him.
“If Jack Tenorman was my father, aren’t I entitled to half of his inheritance anyways?” The older boy simply gave a mean spirited laugh in response to the naive boy’s assumption.
“I hate to break it to you, bro, but you aren’t entitled to shit. Your name is nowhere in the will and there are no legal documents that even acknowledge that you are Jack Tenorman’s son. Hell, Dad didn’t even know you were his son when he was alive. Face it, you’re an illegitimate bastard whose best claim to the will is a DNA test and even then the courts would turn you down since legally everything was left to me.” The two stood in silence as everything sank in. Should I let him live with me? I mean, it’s less than three years and I would get millions of dollars in return. But that asshole might be lying to me, this could all be a coverup just to get revenge on my mom and I or worse, he could just make my life a living hell until I eventually give up before the deadline and he keeps the money all for himself! In the midst of his thoughts, Cartman looked at Scott Tenorman who casually hummed and gave him an innocent smile.
“You would have to talk to my myem about this living situation,” Cartman weakly responded after careful consideration.
“Of course, little brother” the teen politely replied.
“And there would also have to be some rules about you living with us.”
“Absolutely”
“We also have a cat-”
“Not a problem.” The two boys stared at each other for an unknown amount of time before Cartman invited his brother inside. This was how the two most evil boys in South Park and probably the world came to reside under the same roof.