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Kiara was going to save the day because she’s an epic hero and that’s what she does. The Bad Guy Club For Villains is being attacked by nasty Pirates and that’s no good so Kiara has to stop them. What a bunch of no fun meanies. Always saying things like “You’re not allowed to have special desserts because we’re mean and we stole it from you. And also we think you’re all dumb and wrong and we’re gonna attack you for no reason.”
Well Kiara wasn’t going to stand for that so she gathered her stuff and went to go blow them all up. And it was going to be easy and fun and no one was going to stop her because she is just that cool and skilled.
But of course she got stopped on the way there by Kovu, the big mean, unfun, stick in the mud who never smiled and was always getting in her way. “I’m coming with you because you mess things up and I think I’m better than you,” he said, completely stone cold and emotionless.
Kiara huffed but decided that she was going to let him come because she was nice like that, even though she was gonna have to listen to him complain the whole time. He was so boring that he didn’t even know how to tell jokes on the way there, he probably didn’t even know what a joke was. And he didn’t like explosions. Who doesn’t like explosions?
Mr. Big Bad was so impressed by her initiative when she told him that he gave her a bonus right on the spot. “What an amazing admin I have,” he said. “She deserves to be praised and rewarded for being so much better than the rest. Her methods really are the most effective we have. No one else truly understands her genius.”
But then Envy interrupted him, since he has such a big ego and never thinks of anyone but himself. “They should follow my plans,” he said, sounding really condescending. “Because I’m the only one who knows how to succeed even though I never have and I keep losing all the time. These two are just too stupid to even comprehend making a plan.”
But then Garnet interrupted him saying, “I think they can handle it because I’m not a doo doo head and I can see the merit in other ideas.”
And then Hamburger was like, “Those two are nothing but trouble and always mess things up and we shouldn’t send them on missions any more even though it was my fault things got messed up because my orders were stupid.”
Tofu just nodded along with what Hamburger was saying because he’s a nosy, spoiled suck up with no opinions of his own. And he has his two idiot sidekicks, but they’re suck ups to him. Sucking up to the suck up. How pathetic.
Mr. Big Bad got real mad and snapped at all of them. “They are going on this mission and that's that,” he bellowed. “Kiara is our best member after all. So shut all of your yaps.” They all shut up and bowed at Kiara’s feet because she is just that great, even Kovu did and that made Kiara feel things.
Anyway, after that, the two of them set out to find those nasty Pirates and take them down. They traveled for a long time, destroying everything that came their way. Well, Kiara did because she’s just the toughest girl around. Kovu was stupid and kept losing and needing to be saved. Yeah, that’s what happened.
At some point they had to stop for lunch. You can’t fight buttheads on an empty stomach after all. Kovu is kinda mean but he cooks good, at least Kiara thinks so. Not that she’d ever say anything out loud. Of course not, that would be really uncool of her. And the other Bad Guys would probably tease her.
On their break, Kiara decided to fight Kovu to see how strong he was since he kept lagging behind. She won of course. He’s such a goof he doesn’t know how to win, unlike Kiara. Even though he lost he’s all like, “Whatever. It doesn't matter because the battle didn’t count or some other excuse. I’m gruff and nonchalant so you must think I’m cool even though I’m lame.”
She just laughed at him. Who says something like that. Totally lame and not vaguely attractive at all. But she was nice enough to let him come along and she wasn’t about to send him home. She could always use a meat shield.
And so the two set off again to find the Pirates and take them down. All the while Kiara tried to play games with Kovu. Sometimes he played along but most of the time he said, “This is a serious mission because I’m serious all the time. We shouldn’t waste time on pointless things.”
“But games aren’t pointless. They make you laugh and smile and not be boring,” Kiara argued back. “But you wouldn’t know that, would you?”
He just rolled his eyes like he always did. Kiara just couldn’t understand him. Why did he have to be so frustrating all the time? Well, not all the time. Sometimes, very rarely, he could be fun too. That was even more frustrating though. Why couldn’t he be fun all the time? None of it made any sense at all.
She couldn’t think about it for too long because they saw the Pirate ship. They snuck up to it and got there without being spotted because all those Pirates are really dumb. “Take this you villains!” Kiara shouted as she threw bombs at the ship.
The bombs went boom and the ship went boom and wood and fire scattered everywhere and it was awesome. So much beautiful destruction. So much chaos. It was a sight to behold. Kovu complained though. “We shouldn't bring so much attention to ourselves,” he said. “Blah blah something something reputation.”
“You’re such a worry wart,” Kiara teased. “We blew them all to smithereens so what’s there to complain about, huh? You’re just trying to be lame now.”
But then, out of the fire, emerged to leader of the Pirates, Mr. Doctor Professor. He was steaming mad looking at the burned remains of his ship. “I’m going to kill you both with my electric powers even though you weren’t attacking me!” he yelled.
He charged his epic lightning in his hands and fired, striking the ground in front of the two heroes. They jumped out of the way but Kovu got a little scraped up on the way down. That made Kiara real mad because that was her…friend…and she was the only one who was allowed to be mean to him.
She chucked a whole bunch of bombs and the Pirate but he dodged them all. That made her even more angry. The nerve! “Just sit still and let me blow you up!” she yelled, running straight at him.
She didn't even notice the way he started charging up another lightning strike until she was too close to dodge. Oh well. At least she would get to take down this jerk before she went down herself, like the true hero that she was.
But the strike never came. All she heard was “Look out!” and then nothing. She opened her eyes, which she shut earlier, to find the Pirate had escaped like a coward and Kovu was lying hurt on the ground in front of her.
She rushed to his side and checked him over. It didn’t seem like he was gonna die, but it still looked painful. “You dummy,” she scolded. “Why’d you go and do something stupid like that? You don’t even like me. You do nothing but complain where we’re together.”
“Of course I like you,” he mumbled. “Why else would I always go with you even when you say no, because I want to keep you safe. That’s what I’ve always been here for.”
“Oh Kovu,” she cried. “Are you telling me you’re a soft sensitive soul underneath all your ruggedness?”
“Maybe,” he said. “Maybe I’m saying I just want to keep you grounded and that you need me because missions are lamer without me. Maybe I’m the missing piece you’ve been looking for your whole life, and you just haven’t realized until now.”
She sat and thought for a moment. Did she really believe that? It sounded kinda lame but also kinda hot when he said it like that. And he wasn’t a bad looking guy if she really thought about it.
The two leaned in for a hug, maybe they could make up with each other and be friends and then they could take down the remaining pirates together.
And then they made out with each other and it had lots of tongue and it was really hot. (hastily erased and crossed out drawing)
…
Why did I write that?