Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Crowley didn’t know it was going to happen this way. He also thought no way in hell it would be HIM who found out.

He’d done a good job all these years and no one had ever been suspicious.

But then one stupid mistake was the cause of it.

It had started not too long ago, there wasn’t even a word for it. It was just Crowleys longing for what it would be like to be one of those humans. Being an immortal being designed for one purpose, he always desired to know what it was like to change and grow

Over the years he began to act on it. He thought it was a normal thing for angels and demons to do, to want to feel like a human. Often times he’d find himself overwhelmed after a long day with a sense of longing to just be someone who didn’t have anything to worry about.

He had began a collection of sorts, stuffed animals, blankets, the items he really didn’t want anyone to see were tucked away in his closet.

It was difficult keeping this a secret, he didn’t even know what it was called he just knew that he was different. He couldn’t tell the angel that’s for sure, god knows how he’d react. Probably preach to him about how his eternal form was gods gift and we should be happy about it.

It was especially difficult when he had to portray a Nanny for warlock. He’d find himself being so envious of the child, wishing he was in his place.

One day he was bringing new toys and other things to Warlocks bedroom as he was instructed to do. A pile of blankets, a rattle, some other baby junk and new pacifiers. Crowley looked at the pile for a moment, thinking how easy it would be for him to snatch it. He took the pacifier and shoved it in his pocket, placed the items onto his bed and walked out.

He had never used it, a sense of shame washed over him. What was he doing? He basically just took candy from a baby. He didn’t even make it home before he tossed the item in the trash.

Nowadays he’s grown used to it, feeling less shameful about it. He now has real pacifiers that he “bought” more or less. He may have miracled everyone out of the store and threw coins onto the counter.

Crowleys been having to spend more time with Aziraphale now, which Crowleys not complaining about, it’s not like he hasn’t been pining after him for millennia’s. But he’s been slipping more and more around him no matter how hard he tries.

Somewhere along the fights, the walk outs, the make ups and everything in between. They started dating. Which was the best thing that had ever happened to Crowley.

They were perfect, never fighting, always happy and always communicating. The only problem was that it was so hard to stay big around Aziraphale.

He was so sweet and so soft and so nice to Crowley. He made him feel so warm and fuzzy inside and so badly Crowley just wanted to be held by Aziraphale and be called his sweet little one.

He contemplated just telling him so many times, maybe he’d understand. But the overwhelming fear that he’d be disgusted, freaked out, uncomfortable and leave him stopped him from ever telling him.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Crowley..” Aziraphale started, with a bit of worry and excitement in his voice, “I have something to ask you.”

Crowley perked his head up from the paper he was reading, “yes Angel, what is it?” Crowley answered.

Aziraphale worked up the courage and gently pushed the newspaper down so Crowley could look at him. “I was wondering, since we already spend so much time together, if you’d like to move into the bookshop?” Aziraphale asked giddily.

Crowleys eyes widened and then his smile, he stood up, “yes angel of course! I’d love too.” He planted a big kiss on Aziraphales cheek.

Aziraphale blushed and smiled, clapping his hands slightly, “right o’ then. You can gather your stuff when you have a chance and you can move right into my room”

“That sounds wonderful, I can’t wait” Crowley responded and they kissed once more.

Crowley was back in his small apartment putting everything into boxes, he could’ve just miracled everything right into Aziraphales house but his plants are delicate and need special care, so it made more sense to just do it the human way.

After clearing out most of his bedroom he opened his closet to get the rest of his clothes. He looked down at the box of his supplies and quickly realized that in the haste of moving, he had forgotten all about that.

What was he going to do? What could he do? He couldn’t bring them, what if Aziraphale found out. But he couldn’t just get rid of them, they’re his and he needs them.

He went back and forth like this for hours, wondering whether or not he should just chuck them. He ended up shoving them deep down into a random box of jackets.

It was perfect at first. Every day with Aziraphale felt better than the last, waking up every morning in his embrace was the best thing in his whole existence.

The only problem was how nice Aziraphale was. He was so sweet and it made him feel so small and cared for. But he was always with Aziraphale, so he was just keeping it inside for months.

One day Aziraphale came up to Crowley, “darling I have some errands to run today, would you mind if I stepped out for a few hours?”

Crowley perked up, “no not at all Angel, take you time have fun, I love you” Crowley gave Aziraphale a small kiss.

“Don’t let anyone buy a book, I will know.”

“Yes love I know, no books will leave this shop.”

And with that, Aziraphale was out. This was his chance, his chance to get it out of his system and be ok around Aziraphale again.

Crowley made his way upstairs to the bedroom and laid on the ground, crawling under the bed and grabbing the small box he tucked away. He sat up onto the bed and opened the box, taking out a small stuffed duck, a baby blanket and a pacifier.

Finally after all these months, he had never felt more relaxed, like a giant weight had been lifted off his shoulder and all his stress had magically disappeared. It took a while to slip back into the groove but soon enough he was a soft and small version of himself

“I want bread” he made the duck say in a funny voice.

“No duck you can’t have bread, you can only have peas.” He pretended to feed the duck peas.

It felt so nice, but something was missing now, he was missing Aziraphale. Tears started to well up in his eyes as he realized all he wanted was Aziraphale.

He hugged his duck tight and popped his pacifier into his mouth, gently nawing and sucking on it, trying to slow his emotions down.

There was just too much, months of emotions and stress trying to come out all at once was too overwhelming. He needed something, he needed a hug.

He laid on the bed wrapped in the blanket, imagining it was Aziraphale wrapping his arms around him.

“I miss Zira..” he mumbled to the duck.

After a while his heart rate slowed, he began to feel more at ease. He sat up and played with the duck some more and started to feel happier, still missing Aziraphale of course, but trying to calm himself knowing he’d be back eventually.

The world felt so minuscule in that moment, like nothing mattered. He wished he could be like this forever, just him and his duck.

~~~~~~~~~~

Aziraphale was very proud of himself, he had managed to finish all of his errands in just an hour and a half! He had made a final stop to grab some lunch for him and Crowley. He arrived back home and opened the shop, there was no sign of Crowley but luckily all of the books seemed to be in the same spot.

“Crowley! Dear im home!” Aziraphale exclaimed, placing the bags on the counter.

“Crowley?” He began looking around for him.

He went up to his bedroom and pressed his ear to the door, he couldn’t really hear anything so he gently opened the door.

“Honey?” Aziraphale asked again as he opened the door, he quickly stopped in his tracks.

He looked at his boyfriend on the bed, with a stuffed toy and a pacifier in his mouth, he was shocked, he didn’t know what to say.

Crowley sat there mortified, not knowing what to do but staring at Aziraphale, and he stared back.

“Crowl-“ Aziraphale started.

“GET OUT AZIRAPHALE” Crowley shouted, before Aziraphale could even think, Crowley had waved his hand and the door shut right in front of him.

He wanted to scream, to shout, to cry and leave this retched room, to run and run and run until he can’t run anymore and he’ll look up just to see where he was and keep running. He wanted to shrink, be small, be large and destroy everything in his path. He wanted to become microscopic, a small amoeba so no one could ever see how much of a disappoint he was in the creators eyes. Never had he ever thought those words before, he resented god so much and yet still in a time of need, he only can worry about what god would think.

What did Aziraphale think.

Chapter Text

Aziraphale saw him. Aziraphale caught him! Aziraphale saw Crowley like THAT.

Why had he done that? Why was he so stupid! Why hadn’t he thought of the possibility that Aziraphale would come home early? Why didn’t he just lock the door!

And there he was, sitting on the bed, unable to move. He could feel the tears threatening to spill out.

Crowley didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know if he should run, he could jump out the window. Or he could go downstairs and face his greatest fear.

He looked down, at all the items he had out, he felt angry, disgusted, he just wanted to discorporate.

He picked up the pacifier, thinking of what Aziraphale had just walked into, it filled him with rage, unbridled rage. He threw the pacifier onto the ground, watching it bounce away. The fact that it hadn’t magically disappeared made Crowley even angrier. He took everything he had and threw it on the floor, tears streaming down his face. He wanted to scream.

He threw everything onto the floor, the blankets, the pillows, he clawed at the sheets, not being able to rip them off.

He flopped onto the naked bed, fuming with anger and embarrassment. He couldn’t stop it, the tears broke through and it didn’t stop, he cried and cried, loud and ugly. So many emotions all at once and he just couldn’t take it anymore.

The plants around him withered and drooped, he cried like that for what felt like a millennia, it was really only a half hour.

What if Aziraphale never wanted to see him again, what if he lost his boyfriend, his best friend. There was no way they could ever just come back from this. What Angel would want to date a demon after finding out that he also acted like a baby sometimes when he was stressed?

It was a hurricane of emotions, each one crashing into him, fear, anger, shame, all flooding his mind at the same time.

Each moment he cried the more energy it took out of him, like he had screamed his whole soul out and now he was left with a lifeless corpse of a body.

After a while, the sobbing subsided and there he laid, in the aftermath of the hurricane. Crowley stayed there for a while, not moving a muscle, just breathing. He knew he shouldn’t, he knew it caused all this, but he was so stressed. He sat up and picked up a blanket off of the ground, wrapping himself in it. He breathed deeply, his eyes getting heavy.

He started to drift off, starting to mumble none sense to himself, suddenly all the problems in Crowleys life started to feel meaningless as he slipped into sleep.

It followed him everywhere, the shame, the fear. It followed him into his dreams and he dreamed of that moment happening over and over again, an endless cycle of the most mortifying moment in his eternal life.

He dreamt of the look on Aziraphales face, he imagined Aziraphale horrified, disgusted and leaving him there.

He woke up in a cold sweat, his eyes burning from the tears earlier, the first thought in his mind was Aziraphale.

Crowley didn’t know where Aziraphale was, he didn’t know if he was downstairs in the bookshop, or if he was gone, he didn’t want to find out.

He looked around, at the ruined room, everything was on the floor, his plants were nearing death and some of his stuff was destroyed during his fit of rage.

He didn’t even remember most of what had happened, it was a blur. He remembered Aziraphale walking in and he remembered being angry. He didn’t want to face Aziraphale, he didn’t even know if he could face himself.

Crowley stayed in that room for weeks, not coming out. He mostly just slept and cried. He didn’t even know why he was crying anymore, it wasn’t the end of the world, in fact they had lived through the need of the world. But yet this felt different, like something had changed and he didn’t know how it was going to end this time.

He kept slipping in and out of that feeling, feeling so small and helpless and alone. He hugged that blanket so tight during that time, wishing it was Aziraphale

He thought about Aziraphale a lot, wondering what he’d been up to, wondering if maybe he should just suck it up and talk to him.

He wondered why Aziraphale hadn’t tried to to talk to him either, but, he had slammed the door in his face and told him to get out.

But all he wanted in that moment was to have a big hug from Aziraphale and be told it’s all ok. He wanted him to call him cute names and say sweet things to him and run his fingers gently through his hair. He wanted him to magically understands everything. He knew it couldn’t happen, there’s no way he could understand. He just hoped he wouldn’t see Crowley differently.

He got up from the bed and began trying to clean, he picked up all his items and just looked at it, a mix of anger and disgust filled him. He shoved them back into the box they had been kept in. He then turned to his plants, wilted and shriveled up. He gave them a good talking to and hoped for the best.

He tried his best to re make the bed, it had been disheveled for weeks and now Crowley was trying to shove a fitted sheet over the mattress.

He laid down on the newly made bed and sighed. What does he do now?

Fuck it.

~~~~~~~~

Aziraphale has just been shut out, Crowley screamed at him after he had walked in on him doing heaven knows what.

Aziraphale was confused, and worried sick. What was wrong with Crowley? Was he ok? Did he hate him?

He hasn’t meant to startle him like that he was just curious as to where he was and in return Crowley yelled at him.

Aziraphale was almost angry with Crowley, he had been shut out of his own bookshop for Christ sake and now he was just expected to let him trap himself in there for heaven knows how long.

But then he assumed something was wrong with Crowley, that he was upset or something, something that he didn’t want Aziraphale to know about.

But Crowley was angry with him and Aziraphale had no idea what to do, he heard a ruckus upstairs earlier and assumed Crowley was just so angry he was destroying everything. That was ok, Aziraphale kept his most prized historical items in a different room anyways.

Why had Crowley had a children’s pacifier in his mouth? That was the real question.

After the noises stopped Aziraphale decided to go upstairs to talk it out with Crowley, he was sure it was all just a big misunderstanding.

He walked upstairs and gently cracked open the door, peeking inside he saw Crowley lying on the ruined bed sound asleep, all of Aziraphales and Crowleys items laying on the ground.

He didn’t like that his bedroom was now a mess, but he could fix it later, he should just let Crowley rest and hopefully he’ll be better in the morning.

But that morning had lasted 24 mornings, each morning Aziraphale checked on Crowley to see if he was awake and ready to talk and each day he was asleep.

He didn’t know what to do with himself without Crowley, he spent most of his mornings baking but it wasn’t as fun without Crowley there to enjoy it with him. He’d sit and watch people come in and out, looking at books but never being able to purchase them but it wasn’t as fun without Crowley by his side.

He spent every moment thinking of Crowley and how much he missed him. He wanted to just talk to him and maybe he’d understand. But it seemed like Crowley didn’t want to talk.

He wondered what he had walked into, what Crowley was even doing and why. He was so confused he didn’t know why Crowley was hiding.

Aziraphale was sitting in his chair, reading a Jane Austin book, he had checked on Crowley earlier and seen that the room was cleaner but Crowley was still asleep.

He took a bite of the biscuit he was eating when he heard creaking on the stairs, he closed his book and looked behind him, Crowley was walking downstairs for the first time in weeks.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale asked, surprised but happy that Crowley had finally come out.

“Hey Angel.. can we talk?”

Chapter Text

The two men sat across from each other in the living room. Crowleys leg bouncing up and down nervously and Aziraphale calm and composed with his biscuits.

A million thoughts were going through Crowleys mind, but only one was in Aziraphales.

Why?

They sat there for minutes that felt like hours, in the awkwardness, neither knowing what to say.

Crowleys mind raced. What if this all went wrong and Aziraphale never wanted to speak with him again because of this. He knew that probably wouldn’t happen but he couldn’t control the thoughts from spilling out.

“Crowley-“ Aziraphale started.

“Shuddup angel im thinking” Crowley cut him off.

Aziraphale nodded and returned to his calmed position. His hands on his lap, waiting poised like a therapist.

He wasn’t really thinking, just kind of mentally screaming, preparing for the worst. His heart was beating a mile a minute and he couldn’t control himself, all he wanted was to just disappear. But he couldn’t, he had to man up and just deal with the reality.

Crowley looked around, kept taking deep breaths but never using them. He would open his mouth over and over like he was about to say something, explain the whole thing, and then retreat.

After minutes of the charade he finally worked up the courage, he took a deep breath.

“I- I uhm. It’s- yknow- like- uhm.” He stuttered, words coming out but none of them connecting. It felt as if someone had shoved a frog down his throat, leaving him croaking, incomprehensible.

It took five more minutes before he could finally string a sentence together, he’s got this, he’s gonna tell Aziraphale everything.

“I- children.” He sputtered.

Or not.

Aziraphale looked confused, worried almost of the out of context line Crowley had just given.

“No not that, well kind of. Wait, no it’s definitely not that. I’m not making sense am I?” He laughed at himself.

“No darling you’re not, it’s ok take your time.” Aziraphale responded.

“It’s nothing weird, I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know how to tell you.” Crowley was flustered.

Crowley stood up, pushing the chair behind him, he was overwhelmed. He needed to move around.

“Do you know how we’re created angel?” Crowley asked.

“Yes I’m quite sure” Aziraphale responded, confused.

“Do you know how humans are created?”

“Crowley why are you asking me that we were both there.” Aziraphale responded.

“Because humans are so different than you and I. They are expected to grow and change and be whoever they want to be. We were made with one purpose, to serve god. We’re not supposed to do anything else but that.”

“We were made in gods eyes Crowley, perfect beings capable of the cosmos. What is your point with this dear?” Aziraphale asked.

“Why can’t we be like them Aziraphale. Why can’t we just be who we want, why can’t we figure it out we just always have to know exactly what is right all of the time.” Crowley begins getting frustrated.

“What does this have to do with anything?”

“The humans get to do that. They get to be who they are and they get to change. I want to be like the humans.” Crowley responded.

“But we’re not like the humans, we were created with one task, to keep our lord happy.” Aziraphale responds like it’s the only phrase he knows.

“I knew you’d say that, it’s why I didn’t want to tell you, you just don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand Crowley, that’s why I’ve been asking I want to understand.” Aziraphale stated.

“Ok fine angel you want to know? You want me to admit it? Sometimes when I’m stressed I pretend I’m a human child ok is that what you want!” Crowley exclaimed.

Aziraphale looked puzzled, not quite knowing how to react. He didn’t understand why someone would want to be a human, much less a child. When they could make an entire universe from scratch why would anyone yearn to be human.

This was one thing Aziraphale and Crowley never saw eye to eye. Aziraphale was content in his existence and didn’t want to disturb the divine plan. But that’s all Crowley wanted to do. Aziraphale eventually came to terms with this knowing he chose to date a demon.

Crowley couldn’t look Aziraphale in the eyes as Aziraphale tried to comprehend.

“I think I should go.” Crowley stated as he turned to walk away.

“No Crowley don’t. Don’t run away again.” Aziraphale pleaded. “I want to understand I don’t want to shoo you away.”

Crowley nodded and sat down, still unable to look at him.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes while Aziraphale tried to wrap his head around it.

Finally he asks what’s been on his mind since the beginning, “why?”

Crowley shrugs, “I dunno. It just makes me feel safe, calm. Usually when I’m stressed out.” He responded.

Aziraphale nodded. “So when you are stressed you make yourself feel better by imagining yourself as someone with no responsibilities?” He asked.

“Pretty much.” Crowley responded.

“Well, it’s not like I magically have a book about this that I’ve been keeping secret, I quite wish I did have one.” Aziraphale said as he looked around the bookshop.

“I don’t know if it really exists or not. Might just be my imagination trying to find ways to stop panicking. I don’t expect you to know everything, I don’t even know everything.” Crowley responded.

“So what happens now dear. Do we move on and not speak of this, am I supposed to do something?” Aziraphale asked, confused.

“I’m not quite sure Angel. I don’t know if we can just move on. This has given me a bit of permanent embarrassment.” Crowley joked.

“Are we still ok?” Aziraphale questioned.

“I believe so, Angel.”

Aziraphale nodded, “very well. Though I don’t understand. I still love you, and I will try.”

“Thank you, Aziraphale.”

After that, they tried to ignore it the best they could. It was awkward for a good while. Them trying to gloss over this.

They knew deep down nothing would be the same again. Even though it seemed so silly, any small thing could hinder their relationship greatly. But they knew no matter what, till the end of time, it will always be them. They would get through it.