Chapter Text
Till met a boy whose eyes drew him in with a force akin to gravity when he was young. He doesn't remember him much at twenty-two years old, but those eyes were scorched into his memories ever since.
Not in any obvious ways though. There was something in Till's mind refused to tie these lapses in his memory with the boy who always followed him, to the boy who was always there but never seen. There moments when he looked up at the sky and swears that the red lights at the distance were the most beautiful shades he's ever seen.
Till had always been surrounded by darkness in his life, so when she had brightened into his like a huge star on the horizon, he never looked at dark shades ever again. Till didn't have anything in his life, wasn't given anything worth keeping. But looking at those golden eyes that treated him with kindness for the first time in his life, he makes it his life goal to create something good for her.
He knew that Mizi looked at Sua differently. Not with anger or fear, but with something that looked like worship to divinity. Sua was someone surrounded by darkness too, Till couldn't help but feel jealous that she gets to have Mizi's light in her life unconditionally while he had to work for a glance. Then he sees how Sua smiles at Mizi when she isn't looking, and then he understands why it could never be him.
He's too selfish, does nothing but take, take, and take when he has nothing to give. His hands were only ever good for destroying things. Even his songs were filled with ugly and destructive words, made for an exchange for any amount of attention. He was filthy, how could he taint someone so pure? Though he reaches out to her in song, desperate for someone to see the good that he can't find within himself.
There was a night after he got confined for acting out again towards the stuffy higher ups. They always made fun of his songs and his air guitar practices. His voice hurt from shouting under the muzzle that was practically part of his skin, his face burned from the familiar pain of bruises and open wounds.
Till's sight was fuzzy, then he gasped as he felt the collar on his mouth and neck loosen. He looks up at the blinding white lights of outside of his confinement to see a familiar face.
"Ivan?" Till calls out, looking at the other boy who was fidgeting with his restraints. He almost feels guilty for beating the other up for some stupid fight they had that morning. Almost though, he would never apologize, he never saw the point of apologies if the pain had already been done.
The other boy pauses at the call to his name, looking at Till almost in wonder. Did Ivan not remember him? But that wouldn't make sense as he was rescuing him- Well, at least Till hoped he was.
Ivan shushes him then, as he successfully unlocks the chain on Till's left hand and moved onto his other hand.
"How did you do that?" Ivan gave him a flat look this time which Till rolled his eyes at. None of Till's owners ever bothered to guard his cell after they sedate him. The ash-haired boy remains silent instead, wondering what Ivan was thinking.
At the click and hiss of the chain on his right hand unlocking, Ivan holds both his hands up. Till couldn't help but think how unfairly smooth and soft Ivan's palms were. They were unlike his, filled with scars and callouses.
"Let's go" Ivan says as Till gets up. Both boys ran without care throughout the facility, with Till laughing freely at the sleeping bloated aliens who still had wine glasses in their hands. All of the visitors still in Anakt were fast asleep, drool in their mouths and alcohol staining their colars.
Till didn't bother to ask the other boy where they were going, having too much fun as his laughs became breathless and his legs felt the fatigue that came from playing. They were never allowed to be rowdy inside the facility, always expected to be prim and proper. Now both boys giggled as the night air hit their faces, freedom tasting like fresh grass and cold nights.
They go through the metal tunnel Till recalled running into that faithful day with Mizi, and he pulled at Ivan's hand. The other boy looked at him eyes filled with mischief. It was an expression unfamiliar on Ivan's face.
"No it's safe." Ivan said, Till hesitated and let go of his hand.
Ivan's face fell into a flat expression again, he shrugs.
"Just look." Till trailed behind Ivan as the boy turned the corner where that huge monster would be. Till shook his head rapidly.
"Ivan!" He hissed, reaching for the other boy. But it was too late, Till shut his eyes expecting a scream or a gut-wrenching roar. No sound followed.
Till peeked around the corner and saw Ivan standing over the huge monster, resting his head towards its mouth. Till's mouth dropped open, he stared in awe.
"Told you it was safe." Ivan said, turning towards him with a smug face. It was weird seeing him express emotion, Till thought. He treched slowly towards the other boy, looking at the monster that was still breathing.
"How did you-"
"I put my head in its mouth" Ivan cuts. Till jumps back. Ivan still had that unnerving smile on his face.
"You're messing with me!" Ivan shrugs, petting the monster by the snout.
"It was just sleepy." He drops his hands. "It doesn't like fights." Ivan pointedly looks at Till this time, who just rolls his eyes again.
You're fucking amazing is what his mind wants to say "You're fucking crazy." Is what his mouth says instead. Ivan just shrugs again, grabbing Till's hand and running towards the open exit.
The air is colder when it hits his face. He glances up towards the real sky, red and showering with stars. Ivan looks back at him with unabashed glee, Till laughs. Two bright figures amongst the sea of black and red come up a hill, breathless as the distant building of Anakt becomes smaller.
That makes Till pause, guilt taking over. Mizi, Sua, and all the other children left there. His steps falter as he looks at Ivan.
Why me? He wants to scream at him. The other boy looks back at him with something in his eyes that Till didn't want to dispell. It took half a second for Till's heart to skip in fear at that look in Ivan's eyes, on why those eyes were on him and him only.
Till turns back to Anakt hill with vigor, half fear and half guilt.
Why? Why me? Till runs ahead the monster rapidly, eyes stinging.
You don't even know me Guilt festers into his stomach as he thinks of Ivan's eyes, at the reflection of stars he would never see again. He thinks of Mizi, on how he refuses to leave behind the one person who'll always be in his songs.
It was Ivan's fault anyway, in trusting Till. He trusted someone who would always choose himself over anyone else.
Till blames his tears on the wind that cuts into his skin like warm breaths.
Back in his confinement room , Till struggles to put his restraints back on. He starts panicking at the thought of behind found in the morning by the guards, awake and free.
Stupid Ivan. He thinks as he tries to reattach his collar by himself. A loud bang echoes from down the hallway outside of the room. Till starts shaking in horror.
When his door opens again, he remains still, hoping that if he freezes he won't be seen. A small figure appears in front of him and Till feels momentary relief before unease settles onto his skin again.
"I can still see you, you know." Ivan says flatly, approaching the other. Till looks away, trying to reattach his mouth piece this time.
"Why are you back? I'm not going with you."
"I know." Ivan says simply, Till can't make out his expression with the darkness swallowing Ivan's eyes. His mouth was still strewn with that annoying calculated smile.
"Stop messing with me then!" Till scoffs, hands full of his loose restraints "You already messed up enough."
Ivan only grabbed his handcuffs. Despite Till's loud protests Ivan grabbed his right hand, pressing something and successfully reattaching the cuff back on Till's arm. The other boy looks in awe. He thinks he sees Ivan smile again, his sharp tooth protruding on his bleeding lip. Till looks away.
Ivan continues reattaching Till's restraints, making sure to be gentle. The other aliens never cared for his comfort, only making sure he was out cold. By the time he would wake up, his body would be filled with bruises and swells.
Not with Ivan though, the boy took Till's hands and made sure no amount of skin would get caught on the metal chains. Till hated his touch.
"Why did you come back?" He found himself asking. Ivan didn't pause once althroughout the process, but he took the time to look at Till seriously.
"Why did you?" Till scoffed at the obvious avoidance, but he answered anyway.
"I can't leave her." Instead of being angry, Ivan only nodded. Till hated how unaffected he was. Was he laughing at him while Till's thoughts became a spiraling mess?
"You have the answer to your question." Ivan said, gently sliding Till's collar on. The hiss of it makes the raven-haired boy flinch just the slightest bit. Till was to ask again, but suddenly his mouthpiece was slipped onto his lips in a touch almost like a kiss. He suddenly felt sleepy when the restraints injected him again.
As his vision fades, he feels the slightest touch on his forehead. For the first time since he was in Anakt, Till was lulled into a gentle slumber.
"Goodnight Till. I-" But he slips into the darkness before he could hear the rest.
Rain showers never felt colder. His lips never felt so empty. His skin was frozen over Ivan body.
Why his younger voice echoed in his head Why me?
If Till thought he felt empty before, now his soul felt as if it's been swallowed whole and spat out in front of him.
Ivan's body never looked more at peace, the tenseness in his shoulders and his smile suddenly gone.
How unfair it was that it was only in death that Ivan smiled genuinely. At him. Why.
At the touch of an armored hand on his shoulder, Till felt a new surge of rage burn through him.
Anger wasn't unfamiliar to him, but this one was. His grief for Mizi couldn't compare to the mixture of guilt, anger and sadness he was feeling the longer he looks at Ivan's body.
More guards approach as Till spasms in their hold, uncaring of the bruises that would appear as his elbow hit armored bodies.
He reaches out for Ivan. To do what he doesn't know. More guards block his view, and Till lets out a full body sob.
He's pinned to the ground, and he was only a short distant away from Ivan's pale face, his lips a shade of blue and purple. The rain had cleaned the blood on Ivan's chin. Till could almost pretend he was just sleeping, having the most pleasant dream. Ivan's body was picked up in a timely manner, his blood quickly mopped away as if they were in a staged play.
Till shouted something, a plead for Ivan to stop messing around, to wake up.
Before he was knocked out cold, Till remembered the rest of what Ivan was saying to him that night.
"I'll keep trying to set you free. Even if you never understand why."
I do now, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it was me.