Work Text:
the group “into the pinocchioverse” was created
pierrot has added 7 people to the group
Lampwick: Wait, what?
twinkle: pierrot in the name of christ what did you do
pierrot: made a groupchat!!!
pierrot: it'll be easier to communicate while we're stuck in this place together :)))))
lampwick: and you put two of me first thing first
lampwick: bitch
pierrot: I put two of pinocchio as well I'm not discriminating
pierrot: and I don't see either of them complaining
August: Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what's going on here.
pinocchio: And I don't care! I want to find out more too 😊
Lampwick: oh that CAN'T be August as a kid, he's too sweet
August: You didn't know me long enough as a kid to judge, Lampwick.
pierrot: yeah fr leave my brother alone
pierrot has changed Lampwick's name to the inferior lampwick
lampwick: HA
lampwick: suck my dick old man
the inferior lampwick: one, it should be the other way around
the inferior lampwick: two, I'm THIRTY FOUR
pierrot: old
lampwick: old
twinkle: old as balls
eugene: Actually, I think the other Lampwick is even older.
eugene: The one with the weird accent.
eugene: I've done my calculations and he should be about 60 at least.
lampwick: HOW
pierrot: [Image description: the black scientist meme, but it has been edited to say “Finally…DILF Lampwick“]
pierrot: mignon is gonna have a field day with this
lampwick: dont you fucking dare
pierrot: oh I will
pierrot: anyway gene try to get the old man to join us too
pierrot: I need that energy in here
eugene: He doesn't have a phone, dumbass, he came straight from the Enchanted Forest.
eugene: I'll try to explain the purpose of using one to him, though.
pinocchio: [Image description: a picture of young Eugene inside Granny's, showing something on his phone screen to the fake/real version of Lampwick. He's holding the phone up to facilitate this, but the man is still bent slightly to look closer, a puzzled frown on his face.]
He really is trying bless him
the inferior lampwick: Stop that looks too much like me
the inferior lampwick: r u SURE he's in his sixties?
pierrot: yeah can't you see he's doing the boomer phone squint
twinkle: that might just be because he's like two feet taller than eugene
twinkle: anyway look, technically all of us are pushing 50 by now
twinkle: curses be cursing
the inferior lampwick: ur not wrong kid
the inferior lampwick: except for August I guess
pinocchio: I'm still trying to figure out why that is tbh
August: Don't worry about it.
August: It's not something that can happen to you, I promise.
twinkle: well that's not ominous in the slightest
Eliana: It's August, what do you expect? He only speaks in code. Ask Emma.
twinkle: WHOMST
lampwick: the fuck are u
pierrot: oh it's a nice lady I met while doing the rounds! 🤗
pierrot: she's an august's older sister btw
pierrot: instant kin
August: What?
pinocchio: Pierrot if you're messing with us…….
Eliana: No he's not.
Eliana: Hi, I'm Eliana, and yes, August is my younger brother. Not this one, obviously. I lost track of mine two hours ago.
Eliana: But you can all be my adoptive brothers if you want I suppose?
pinocchio: Oh my God
eugene: You're going to make him cry.
eugene: I can see him from here.
Eliana: Oh honey no, it's okay!
pinocchio: I'm not CRYING
pinocchio: But I want to meet you! I've never had a sister, I want to know what you're like
Eliana: You know what? I'll call you. Let's see if I can find you in this weird Storybrooke.
pierrot: I'm being replaced and I can't rven be mad
twinkle: if she's pinocchio's sister she's yours too dumbass
pierrot: OH FUCK YES
✉
fraulein: twinkle
fraulein: twingle
fraulein: twinkle
you: mignon
fraulein: need you
fraulein: komm round the back of the park
you: what's wrong?????????
fraulein: nothing
fraulein: need a witness and grace washed her hands off this
fraulein: please this is the funnies
fraulein: thing
fraulein: please
you: you're scaring me but alright
you: 5 minutes
fraulein: yes!!!!!!!!!
✉
into the pinocchioverse
twinkle: [Image description: a shot of an unknown walled backyard seen from the outside. Mignon is sitting at the very top of the fence, grinning from ear to ear with a cigarette between her fingers. Just below, mess is mine Lampwick is staring up at her, looking outraged. August can be seen nearby, but only from the back.]
twinkle: reporting live from the scene of a crime
pierrot: what, and I can't stress this enough, the fuck
twinkle: mignon stole his cigarettes and he's big mad
lampwick: welcome to the fucking club
the inferior lampwick: NEITHER of u should be smoking
the inferior lampwick: ur too young and it's bad for ur lungs
lampwick: gotta roll myself the biggest blunt if my life soon as i get home
August: Out of spite?
lampwick: duh
August: Yes, that seems to be a shared trait.
the inferior lampwick: Not. Helping.
August: Anyway, we're open to suggestions.
August: Obviously the best scenario would be her climbing down but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
August: Her? Him?
twinkle: [Video description: same scene as before, but now sound can be heard. From behind the camera Twinkle shouts “They're trying to be respectful, ‘Gnon. What are your pronouns?”, to which Mignon replies “I can't pronounce anything, I'm German.”. The camera begins to shake as Twinkle laughs, then the video cuts off.]
twinkle: gender: bratwurst
the inferior lampwick: Brat, for sure
pierrot: everyday I try my best to be diplomatic and every day mignon shits on my efforts
eugene: What have you done in the name of diplomacy, exactly?
pierrot: made this group chat
pierrot: gave that lampwick a balloon sword
pierrot: am hustling here gene
eugene: Of course you are.
twinkle: how come you never make ME balloon art?
pierrot: lies and slander I made you a heart on your birthday
pierrot: it's not my fault your dad sat on it
twinkle: everything is your fault pierrot you know that
pierrot: alas, the poet is disrespected once again
Eliana: I don't know what I missed, but I can assure you, diplomatic relations are at an all time high here
pinocchio: [Image description: a selfie of teenage Pinocchio and Eliana. Both are smiling brightly and Eliana has an arm wrapped around Pinocchio’s shoulders from where she's standing slightly behind him.]
Yeah!
pierrot: this is too sweet I'm gonna puke
eugene: Can't you be normal for five minutes?
pierrot: thought you'd given up on that already
pierrot: kinda related tho
pierrot: look who I tracked down
pierrot has added August (1) to the group
pierrot: see I told you that your sister was already here
August (1): What are you doing, Lia?
Eliana: Substituting you with someone who doesn't tower over me.
Eliana: Yet.
August (1): It's not the kid's fault you stopped growing
August (1): Don't make it his problem
Eliana: And here I thought I could invite you to get a milkshake with us. My mistake. I see now that you don't deserve it.
pierrot: can I come instead
Eliana: Of course. You are very nice and are not named August.
pierrot: I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED
pierrot: as a favor to my new favorite sister I shall also make this conversation less troublesome to understand
pierrot has changed August's name to only child pinocchio
pierrot has changed August (1)’s name to baby brother pinocchio
pierrot has changed pinocchio's name to best pinocchio
twinkle: no because this isn't biased at all uh
best pinocchio: You're back! How's it going over there?
twinkle: idk mignon saw the sheriff coming and yelled SCATTER so I dipped
twinkle: shame bc the long guy was just trying to climb up to her and I wanted to see that
lampwick: which sheriff
twinkle: not ours
twinkle: didn't stay long enough to ask tho
the inferior lampwick: Yeah not all of us were so lucky.
the inferior lampwick: You guys are so dead when I catch you.
lampwick: cranky cause she got your smokes aint you
lampwick: been there
lampwick: come round you can have one of mine
lampwick: got em from her backpack
the inferior lampwick: I GIVE UP
✉
Lia: [Image description: two Pinocchios, the teenager and a small puppet, plus Pierrot and a child Lampwick, are all sitting on the edge of a sidewalk with a milkshake cup in their hands. The two younger children are focused on their drinks, while Pinocchio is smiling softly at the camera and Pierrot is saluting it with his cup.]
Lia: Look at what you're missing out on.
you: Where do you keep finding more kids?
Lia: Around.
you: You can't take them home with you, Lia
you: Some of them aren't even me
you: They probably have their own families to go back to
Lia: Look, the small skinny one said his mom is that Bo Peep lady from the butcher’s shop.
Lia: I bet I would be a lot better than her.
you: You can't just drop that kind of information on me to end a discussion
you: It's not fair
Lia: One of my new baby brothers told me to text you, and I quote:
Lia: “Cope.”
✉
into the pinocchioverse
twinkle: there is
twinkle: no joke
twinkle: a little girl with blue hair playing magical tag with the mother superior
twinkle: should I intervene or
pierrot: what you SHOULD be doing is film it for me to see
best pinocchio: Wait, what do you mean magical tag ?
twinkle: the mother superior keeps telling her to stop and behave but whenever she gets near this girl poofs away like the nightcrawler
twinkle: I think I want to be her in the next life
the inferior lampwick: So ur just watching this kid harass a nun?
twinkle: yeah p much
the inferior lampwick: Alright.
the inferior lampwick: Carry on.
eugene: Finally, one of you says something that makes sense.
the inferior lampwick: Now what the fuck do u mean by that
lampwick: he means one of US old geezer
lampwick: try to keep up
pierrot: [Audio description: a voice note that begins with simple background chatter, until Pierrot asks: “Twinkle says someone is out bullying your mom, is that a problem or…”. He trails off as Eliana can be heard exclaiming: “Without me?” right before the note ends.]
pierrot: so yeah we have a verdict
only child pinocchio: That is what you're most worried about?
the inferior lampwick: Yeah what???????
pierrot: and I oop-
Eliana: For fuck's sake.
Eliana: No less than four different lands and not one of my brothers can communicate clearly.
Eliana: Yes my mother is the Blue Fairy. No that doesn't mean she had sex with August's father. I hope that clears things up.
only child pinocchio: Actually, now I have more questions.
lampwick: ask them later i don wanna hear anything else abt this
pierrot: damn right marco isn't banging her mother
pierrot: he's banging mine :)
best pinocchio: Unfortunately
the inferior lampwick: What
eugene: How did you think they became brothers exactly?
the inferior lampwick: You might be surprised kid but I have better things to worry about rn
pierrot: see you should be careful about saying that to gene
pierrot: he notices everything WHILE worrying all the time
best pinocchio: And it's the reason why we've survived to this day
pierrot: god yes
pierrot: eugene we love you
lampwick: i dont
twinkle: shut up don't ruin the moment you ass
lampwick: brat
lampwick: the guy aint even online anymore
eugene: I AM online.
eugene: This other Lampwick however has some choice stories to tell about traveling in a submarine and I want to hear them without your bullshit distracting me.
twinkle: they got submarines and not phones there?
eugene: That's what I'm trying to process.
the inferior lampwick: @only child pinocchio how come we never got to do that
only child pinocchio: You can't afford to fix the boat you already have and you think we should get on a submarine?
lampwick: BOAT??????????????????????
twinkle: oh shit you've activated the sleeper agent
lampwick: YALL GOT A BOAT AND DIDNT TELL ME
the inferior lampwick: we didn't really get the time with ur friend throwing us under the bus
lampwick: forget mignon shes a cunt
lampwick: show me the boat
best pinocchio: The translation from Lampwick-speech is probably “I'm on Mignon's side because she's my close friend, but I'm willing to make amends if you send me a picture of the boat, please”
lampwick: didnt ask for ur help
best pinocchio: I edit all your essays, I'm not putting anyone else through that struggle if I can help it
pierrot: the gentlest fuck you in this chat yet
the inferior lampwick: yeah and he had me convinced
the inferior lampwick: [Image description: a picture of Lampwick's boat from back home. Leroy can be seen moving on the bridge, slightly blurry.]
baby brother pinocchio: Why is Leroy always involved in this kind of situation?
pierrot: he's like…….furniture
pierrot: can't have a dock without him
lampwick: shes a beauty
lampwick: im so fucking jealous
the inferior lampwick: u an expert kid?
lampwick: damn right i am
best pinocchio: He sure is!
best pinocchio: [Image description: a picture of TP!Lampwick from a few years prior to these events, so about 12 or 13. He's lathering paint on the wall of Leroy's boat cabin, scowling in concentration with his tongue poking out of his mouth.]
lampwick: where the fuckd u get that
best pinocchio: Nova :)
pierrot: nova queen ❤❤❤❤❤ we love nova
twinkle: [Image description: the Wonder Woman “A baby!” gif.]
lampwick: gonna burn all ur fucking houses down
pierrot: violence won't fix how adorable you used to be mon ami
pierrot: it's like one of those cat pics that go viral
Eliana: Oh, I have that!
twinkle: you have what
Eliana: [Image description: a picture of a big cat with dark, bushy fur sitting on someone's feet. Its expression appears frankly displeased.]
Eliana: Cat
twinkle: ANGRY BABY
pierrot: I'd take a picture of how all these guys are looking over her shoulder at this fucking cat but honestly I'm hypnotized
pierrot: what a creature
Eliana: It's my little lady Tosca :D
the inferior lampwick: she looks like she wants to murder me
baby brother pinocchio: She probably does.
baby brother pinocchio: She bites.
baby brother pinocchio: Just like her owner.
Eliana: Only if you're acting like a little shit.
Eliana: Neither of us have ever bitten Henry, for instance.
eugene: Who's Henry?
twinkle: that and also
twinkle: you got no room to judge biters
twinkle: I'm a biter and our you still dated me
pierrot: ASDJFKFHDKDBSKSHDBEKS
the inferior lampwick: FYI August just choked on his own spit here
best pinocchio: And Eliana looks ecstatic
best pinocchio: Did you really have to drop the news like this, Twinkle?
twinkle: yeah duh?????
twinkle: maximum damage option
Eliana: I must thank you, little girl, he's NEVER going to live this down.
Eliana: Also, Henry is Emma's son.
pierrot: SAY SIKE RN
✉
kleine stern: mignon why aren’t you in the group chat I’m tired of having to push three (3) more buttons to talk to you
you: i told pierrot if he added me id cut all his lute strings
you: also grace was stressed out
you: y tho
kleine stern: I bring shocking news
you: what
kleine stern: the sheriff had a son with a man in like
kleine stern: every other universe
you: U SHITTING ME
kleine stern: I wish
kleine stern: a healthy little boy
you: u fucking scalawag
you: im gonna lose so much money if people at home hear of this
you: so shes not riding the mayor there????
kleine stern: apparently not
kleine stern: robin hood won in the long run
you: i mean maybe he planted the seed there too
kleine stern: shut up I'll kill you
kleine stern: but hey you know what else I learned?
kleine stern: the mother superior had a child too in one of these places
kleine stern: a bio one
you: …
you: so gold CAN still get it up
kleine stern: MIGNON NO
✉
into the pinocchioverse
pierrot: so
pierrot: any idea of when we can all get home
the inferior lampwick: It’s never gonna be soon enough
the inferior lampwick: Tired of ur bullshit already
pierrot: rude
pierrot: see if I make you another balloon thing now
only child pinocchio: He’s not showing it, but he’s devastated
the inferior lampwick: whose side r YOU on?
only child pinocchio: I’ve been made aware that there is some sort of family alliance I should be part of
only child pinocchio: So unfortunately, not yours.
baby brother pinocchio: This is Lia’s fault, isn’t it?
Eliana: I’m collecting them all like baseball cards :)
baby brother pinocchio: Baseball cards or voodoo dolls?
Eliana: As if any of your kind need ME to poke needles in them.
Eliana: Anyway, turns out the blue haired girl also had a little Pinocchio with her looking for his August, so we’re currently forming a search party.
Eliana: Feel free to join us, if you ever decide to become useful.
pierrot: [Image description: the Berlusconi counting meme.]
pierrot: something’s not right here
twinkle: yeah how are there two of them in the same place
Eliana: I see one of those big oafs! I’ll go ask if he’s the right one and explain later.
eugene: See, this is why I have no doubt you’re all related to each other.
eugene: The theatrics and suspenseful pauses are unmistakable.
best pinocchio: :(
eugene: This is not about you.
eugene: You have standards.
best pinocchio: :)
best pinocchio: Anyway, we have good news and bad news
best pinocchio: The bad news is that we found the wrong August so we’re still looking
best pinocchio: [Image description: A picture of Eliana hugging an August/Pinocchio in Enchanted Forest clothes, taken from a few feet’s distance. The man is clearly taller than her but curled down with his face hidden in her shoulder, and she seems to be patting his head.]
best pinocchio: The good news is that he probably needed this as much as I did this morning
eugene: Wait, I recognize this one.
eugene: He's with the submarine Lampwick.
eugene: Married? Divorced? I think I lost track.
twinkle: my god these bitches gay…good for them!
lampwick: u joking bc ur about to cry too aint u
twinkle: YES
pierrot: not a dry eye around here fyi
pierrot: except the little lampwick guy he looks bored as shit bless him
pierrot: [Image description: a little girl with blue braids, in the arms of what seems to be teenage Pinocchio.]
pierrot: and her too
twinkle: the adoption drive is getting contagious I see
best pinocchio: I just miss Fabian ok
best pinocchio: Roland too but he likes Lampwick more
eugene: Why didn't you say so? Fabian is begging me every other day to invite you over to play Mario Kart with him.
eugene: I didn't only because I thought you'd be annoyed.
best pinocchio: Why? I love playing with Fabian
best pinocchio: He likes me
twinkle: we all like you dumbass
twinkle: even the suspiciously blue haired girlie it seems
baby brother pinocchio: From her presence I gather you took her from the Mother Superior?
pierrot: yeah whatever universe she belongs to
baby brother pinocchio: And what did my sister do when she met the Mother Superior?
the inferior lampwick: I'm guessing she's pleasant company everywhere else too?
lampwick: if i could kick her teeth in i would but nova said id get tried like an adult for it now
the inferior lampwick: Sometimes you kids are really weird
pierrot: you didn't say you disagreed tho
pierrot: anyway we're not sure if she did ANYTHING??????
pierrot: she just
pierrot: when she started talking to the mother superior it got all windy and the trees were rustling and shit
pierrot: spooky
baby brother pinocchio: Yes, that would be Lia.
the inferior lampwick: So your sisters magic and you didn't tell anyone?
baby brother pinocchio: She's not exactly magic .
baby brother pinocchio: More like…in touch with nature.
baby brother pinocchio: You don't have to worry about it unless you try to hurt her, which I doubt anyone of you wants to do.
the inferior lampwick: Why, what's the worst she could do
baby brother pinocchio: Do you want the one I have solid proof for or the unbelievable one?
the inferior lampwick: Both
baby brother pinocchio: Emma says she bit a chunk off a villain once.
twinkle: and the other?
baby brother pinocchio: I think she set Pleasure Island on fire before the dark curse.
pierrot: bro what the fuck
✉
private pinocchio chat
Little Me has added 2 people to the group
Little Me: I'm sorry I know this is super weird and you guys are probably tired of all of these group chats by now
Little Me: But I need to ask you something
Other Me: What is it?
Little Me: Everyone keeps talking about all the things that are different between our worlds
Little Me: And they're not wrong okay
Little Me: You don't know who Twinkle is and all those Lampwicks look like they wouldn't give me the time of day
Little Me: But we also did so much of the same stuff and
Little Me: And it's mostly BAD stuff
Little Me: Like Pleasure Island and the hanging thing
Little Me: And we all died! That's not something I should have in common with people!
Little Me: So I guess I was just wondering
Little Me: Does it get any better, from now on?
Little Me: Does all the loud stuff in our head go away?
Little Me: You're grown up and alive, which is already better than what everyone said I would do but… I want to know if that's enough for us
you: That's a lot of questions, kid
Little Me: I know I'm sorry
you: You don't have to apologize
you: Actually, first of all, breathe
you: Secondly… I'll be honest, I think my fellow August here will agree that you're already doing a lot better than we did at your age
Other Me: Yes, absolutely.
Other Me: I wasn't lying when I said that there are things you will never experience
you: Thankfully.
Other Me: And look, maybe there will be other things for you to worry about in your future, but there are people who'll help you with them, too.
you: But you have to tell them how you feel, alright? Don't make the same mistake as us. Don't stay cooped up in your own head. Everything sounds so much louder in there.
Other Me: From my experience, tell your father first.
you: And from my experience, your brother is also a good choice
you: It still sounds weird to think Papa might have fallen in love with someone, but I'm sure it'll do everyone good to have a bigger family
Other Me: Weirder than talking to two copies of yourself?
you: For some reason, yes
Little Me: Oh I bet your guys would like Leona though
Little Me: She makes him happy
Little Me: And me and Pierrot get to do all the family stuff together now
Other Me: Well, if we happen to swing by your world at some point, we'll make sure to visit.
Other Me: How are you feeling now, kid?
Little Me: Better
Little Me: Thank you
Little Me: Sorry if that was too much
you: Are you still with Eliana by any chance?
Little Me: Yeah, why?
you: Try and tell her you've apologized three times in the last ten minutes.
Little Me: HEY
Other Me: What did she do?
Little Me: She smacked me over the head
Little Me: I get the point but hey
Other Me: Did you know she would do that?
you: I had a hunch.
Other Me: Why, how often does she do it to you?
you: That's between me and her
Little Me: I'm asking Eliana
you: Hey
Other Me: Good thing someone is taking the initiative here.
you: Shut up.
✉
into the pinocchioverse
pierrot: boooooored
lampwick: suck it up or were leaving u behind when we go
pierrot: but I shall DIE if I don't get entertained, can't you see
lampwick: finally
lampwick: peace n quiet
twinkle: all of you are insufferable
twinkle: can I switch universes? like, just to get a break?
pierrot: come on you know you'd miss us if you did
twinkle: wrong
twinkle: I'd miss eugene and my dad and my baba
twinkle: certainly not you
twinkle: WHICH REMINDS ME
twinkle: hey @only child pinocchio is gay marriage legal where you come from?
only child pinocchio: Why shouldn't it be?
twinkle: so why aren't you guys married?
twinkle: you're uh you know
twinkle: old
twinkle: you've got to claim the tax benefits before you hit retirement age
the inferior lampwick: Do u enjoy making people uncomfortable kid
best pinocchio: Look, there's a good chance she's genuinely concerned about your economical status
best pinocchio: Or she could be messing with you! You should keep all your options open
pierrot: you should fight her to test the strength of her opinion
only child pinocchio: Don't fight the little girl, Lampwick.
twinkle: I'm sorry, who asked YOU?
twinkle: fight me beanpole man
pierrot: fight fight fight fight fight
the inferior lampwick: I don't even know where you are!!!
the inferior lampwick: You kids went everywhere
eugene: Come to Granny's, then.
eugene: All of you.
eugene: Granny's easy to find and there is something brewing I think you'd like to see.
lampwick: wait what
eugene: [Image description: Granny's interior again. fake/real!Lampwick is now sitting at one of the tables, Mignon next to him, showing him what seems to be a deck of cards. He looks perplexed. She looks enthusiastic.]
best pinocchio: Are those Uno cards ?
the inferior lampwick: Where did she find fucking Uno cards?
pierrot: look mignon works by cartoon logic
pierrot: don't ask
pierrot: she's like bugs bunny
only child pinocchio: That explains nothing, but it's not what I'm worried about right now anyway.
only child pinocchio: Does every Lampwick have a thing about cards?
lampwick: hey i dont give a shit abt cards
lampwick: and that aint a lampwick am not claiming em
twinkle: I think he meant the big guy you imbecile
lampwick: i aint claiming him either he looks like a bitch
twinkle: fair enough
the inferior lampwick: Seriously
lampwick: if it looks like a bitch and it barks like a bitch
pierrot: it's a donkey
the inferior lampwick: For fuck's sake
the inferior lampwick has left the chat
pierrot has added Lampwick to the chat
pierrot has changed Lampwick's name to coward lampwick
pierrot: you can't leave old man this is the bad place
pierrot: actually I've got an idea
pierrot: let's get to granny's like gene said
pierrot: uno battle royale no holding back
pierrot: winner claims best universe title and gets control of the group chat
pierrot: who's with me
only child pinocchio: Not me.
Eliana: Yes, you.
Eliana: @only child pinocchio @baby brother pinocchio @pierrot @best pinocchio I expect our alliance to be solid and devoid of any treason, or else…
pierrot: ominous
coward lampwick: If I win will that shut you up
pierrot: no but you'll be legally allowed to try and MAKE me shut up
coward lampwick: I'll take my chances.
pierrot: then onwards, my brethren! we ride forth to our worthy challenge
pierrot: and may the luckiest bitch win :)
✉
clown: mignon I'm on my way there
clown: if you mark all the +4 cards and tell me what the trick is I’ll pay you
clown: I'll explain when I see you
you: i dont know what ur planning piero but it already looks funny
you: ready when u r
clown: YES