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Kazuha had a few things in his life that he held precious to the point that he would risk everything for. Materialistic wants and needs weren’t what they used to be to him, not when he had lost so much. Some clung to objects and affections when such a loss hit them. Through travels and time, Kazuha had learned that he didn’t need such things.
Or so he thought.
That was before he met Heizou. Really met Heizou. They knew each other long before but he hadn’t spoken to him and gotten to know him past the mask and smile that the man wore like clothing in front of his peers, friends, and enemies alike.
Through getting to know him Kazuha had come to realize that learning to let go of his pains and overcome his hardships wasn’t what being strong looked like. No. If anything, it was what being weak was. He couldn’t bear the guilt or the burdens and had decided that he was best off without them. In some cases, that was what was best for his health. In others… memories he was finding faded and lost to him due to his disrespect of them more missed than not. Now that he had someone to share the burden of them with, he could handle them. If only he had managed to hold onto them a bit longer.
And Heizou… Heizou wasn’t the strongest person in the world, but he was one of them. Kazuha wished others could see that. It was painful to see such a person with such kind and noble intent go through life so unloved and disrespected for answering to his calling – and a good calling.
It made little sense. Yes, Heizou worked for a group that wasn’t necessarily well liked, but he was more hated than most for doing what was right. That didn’t make sense. And his smiles were strained on some days to the point he knew that it would have been better if he would allow himself to cry and yet never did.
There were tomorrows that needed to be fought for. As much as Kazuha was there, he couldn’t be there all the time. They had their own lives to live and he could only watch Heizou be ostracized because others had trouble understanding his words and actions for what they were. They were always there to protect and heal. Very often he would find the man doing things on the sly where no one would even whisper his name.
The loudest voices, the most popular ones, the groups – those were always the ones that got the attention. Heizou was alone in his work and in his life. Kazuha had never had to suffer like he watched Heizou suffer. Being in a group and being alone at the same time must be difficult.
Why was it Heizou never said more than a few fleeting words of complaints to him about it then? Why smile? Did he not think he would understand? Kazuha knew he was well liked among the people and he was sure the stark difference didn’t make it easy but he was there… he would listen.
Just thinking about the fact that there were dozens of differences and reasons that Heizou wouldn’t share his life with him made Kazuha want to be sick. They were friends, yet it was hard for him to reach out as well. How could he? There was no way to help. Forcing people to like Heizou like they enjoyed his company was impossible. They were two very different people.
“You don’t have to be alone, you know.” Kazuha couldn’t take it. Heizou and he often went out to eat while he was in town. The food today tasted bland to him, even though he knew the chef was talented and could smell it had been well cooked and seasoned.
“I’m not alone.” Heizou eyed him with that same smile he always wore, the mask perfectly in place as always. “You’ve been thinking too much again. Worried about me? Don’t be. Even if it’s just you a small handful of others – no, even if it’s just you, I’m fine. One person is enough for me.”
“Do you hear what you’re saying? You can’t mean that. I know you’re aware of how people speak of you. It’s sickening.”
Heizou’s smile turned up more. “It is. I hate it. And you know what? There’s nothing I can do about it. I can like shit about it. Is that what you wanted me to admit to? I will. It’s the truth. It won’t change anything. I am who I am, Kazuha. Sometimes that’s all we can be.”
Kazuha knew that. He didn’t have to like it. “Why can’t I help?”
“You are. You’re my friend. That’s something no one can be other than you. And I’d never trade that.” Heizou stopped eating, for once his tone was serious. The normally playful manner woven of smiles and laughter and jokes was gone. Maybe this was more the man he was, or maybe it was another mask. “It hurts, huh? I’m sorry.”
Kazuha was confused. Why was Heizou apologizing to him? “I beg your pardon? You’ve done nothing to apologize for.”
“You’re worrying because of me.” Heizou raised an eyebrow. “And you’re hurting because you can imagine I’m hurting. Kazuha, I appreciate it, I do. Thank you. You’re so transparent some of the time. It’s refreshing. Most people just whisper behind my back. Not you. So… if being my friend bothers you too much, it’s fine. I can understand if your travels take you to other pastures.”
That was not at all what Kazuha had wanted, and it only hurt worse that Heizou thought that – from his own admission – one of the few, if only, friends he had, would leave him. Kazuha wanted words but couldn’t find the right ones, something Heizou managed far too easily in his company.
“I have problems. I’m not like others.” Heizou gently pushed his food away. “I speak too loudly and at the wrong times. I have my own wants that others often don’t agree with. I do things without telling anyone because I think they’re what’s right. Not a lot of people would find someone like that easy to get along with. Really, the fact you’ve troubled yourself over this silly matter for so long is amazing. I’ll see you later if you’re in the area. I’ve got work I should be catching up on.”
“Heizou.” Kazuha grabbed his arm and held it tight before he could get away. “I didn’t intend any of what you’re assuming. Yes, it is painful to see and I understand there is nothing I can do, so you’re correct about that part. The rest is far from the truth. You can feel badly in front of me or others. I’m your friend. I won’t think less of you.”
“I’ll think less of me.” Heizou didn’t look well. Now that he was thinking about it, there were times the detective looked tired when he knew there hadn’t been any cases. Perhaps that mind of his was something he needed time away from now and then. “Kazuha, I don’t think you’ve ever felt afraid the way I have, or angry the way I have. It’s hard to talk about it and know you’d understand. I don’t want to lose you as a friend but I also need my space like you do some of the time, and some of the time I need you to not let me have it. Right now would probably be best for the latter. So, while we can’t have the discussion you want, how about we go for a walk? The weather is nice.”
Kazuha nodded, not touching the majority of his food either as he set some mora down to pay for it and walked out of the building.
Heizou was so good at smiling and pretending everything was okay. Maybe it wasn’t pretending. Maybe that was how he overcame his adversity, the same way Kazuha did with his memories.
Why did it have to hurt so much though?
Was that what strength really looked like? Kazuha knew, in part, it was. There was so much adversity and seclusion that Heizou faced, and he was socialite, which made the fact that it was happening to him so bitter to swallow. How could people be so cruel? “I wish I could help you.”
Heizou – the kind, misunderstood, silly, detective – tipped his head as if the last fifteen minute conversation hadn’t just happened. “I wish you could too.”