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Coming home after a long mission always set Steve with contentment. The team had been gone for nearly a month, and after that length of time, even Fury agreed that debrief could wait a few days. Hopping up the steps to his townhome, Steve stops for a few extra seconds to look at the stained glass above the door.
When he bought the place, four years ago, it just fit. His first night, the townhome still empty of furniture, Steve’s pallet on the living room floor, he talked to his mom, long ago dead, but he felt that she could hear him. “This is the kinda place I always thought you deserved. That’s why I bought it, Ma. I bought it for you.” As the days wore on, Steve realized it was for him too. It became his home, his sanctuary.
Now, it’s furnished with all the things that make him happy. Natasha wanted to help him decorate, but he kindly refused her help. This place, the life he wants to build here, is just for him and not for anyone else. Sure, the team comes over, but the agreement is that as soon as they step inside, they aren’t Steve’s team, they are his friends. A place they can cook together, play card games, and generally just be.
He likes the neighborhood and has made a point to meet as many of his neighbors as possible, but there are ones that are special, ones he considers his friends. Now, to them, he isn’t Captain America, he’s just Steve. Maddie and Evelyn, across the street, married and both lawyers, have Steve over at least every couple of weeks. Mrs. Papadakis, widowed for the last fifteen years, brings Steve homemade baklava once a month and he makes sure that he takes over his shortbread when her grandkids are coming over. Harry and his wife Josie, retired from corporate America, have holiday parties and bar-b-ques and Steve always mans the grill for them when Harry is too busy telling a story.
The only neighbor that he hasn’t met, right next door, is a man named James Barnes. He’s heard the neighborhood story, but doesn’t want to believe anything unless it comes from the man’s mouth. Steve tried to meet him, early on, but no one ever came to the door. It was Evelyn that seemed to know actual facts and not speculation.
“He moved in right after we did, so about six years ago.” She stirs her coffee and looks sad. “Once everything was inside, he never came out. I’ve only been in the place once and that’s because he left a note on our door, asking for legal advice about a year after moving in.”
“What did he need?” Steve doesn’t want to feed into neighborhood gossip, but it is strange.
“Maddie was in court that day, so I went over.” She gives a smile and a shrug. “I was curious. He’d been living there for nearly a year, and no one had seen him.” Steve chuckles and nods. “So, I went over. He’s really nice, respectful, but quiet in a way that...it just screamed trauma.” She pauses, not for affect, but because she seems truly confused. “Steve, the place is incredible, like yours. With original...well, everything. Anyway, he needed help organizing a contract.” Steve knows she can’t say more than that because of attorney/client privilege. “He was so thankful and even paid me more than my normal fee. He said it was for putting up with the neighborhood recluse.”
“It’s just strange, you know?” Evelyn nods and Steve looks over at the fence dividing his property from the mystery man. He’s seen groceries delivered and boxes, but has never seen the man himself.
“And let me tell you, if I wasn’t queer as a three-dollar bill, I’d have climbed this guy like a tree.” Steve barks with laughter.
“Nice looking?” Evelyn nods and Steve continues to chuckle.
“Not just nice looking, Steve. This guy is...there’s not really another word for it, but beautiful. He’s young though, younger than most of us around here. Considering the prices of houses here, I wish I knew where his income comes from.” Steve gives her an accusing glance. “Yeah, I know, I’m being nosy now.”
“Yes, and one of the things I like about this neighborhood is that the people don’t get too curious about personal business.” Evelyn gives him a wicked smirk. “Okay, except Mrs. Papadakis.” They both laugh at that and continue talking about other things.
It’s coming up on the holidays now and Steve returns to his home from a debrief. The team had been having Thanksgiving dinner when the alarm sounded, and now, a week later, Steve wants to sleep for the next two days. When the car drops him off, he freezes in his tracks. The Barnes place is lit up like nothing Steve’s ever seen.
Every year, without anyone seeing him do it, James Barnes decorates his place with more lights than anyone on this block uses. It’s like a Christmas fairy land, but in the front window is a menorah. The candles are in it, but it’s not lit yet. Steve just stares at the lights. It’s like this every year, but Steve can almost feel the grief coming from every light. James Barnes has lost something in his life and Steve can relate.
Checking his calendar, when he gets inside, Steve sees that Hanukkah doesn’t start until the 18 th . He texts Maddie and Evelyn. ‘When did this happen?’
The response takes a few minutes, giving Steve time to change clothes. ‘No idea, Steve. No one saw him out, putting the lights up.’
Just like the last four years, Barnes was able to get the lights up without anyone seeing him. And when the holidays are over, they’ll disappear the same way. Heading downstairs, to the kitchen, Steve feels the sadness of that. It almost feels like Barnes is honoring someone, but doesn’t want to share that with anyone else.
Steve decides to embrace whatever is happening and show respect to whoever Barnes is missing. Missing people at Christmas, Steve understands fully. For the next week, he shops for all his friends, but makes a point to stop in at the restaurant a few blocks over. He’s been in many times, and Mr. Hoffman always joins him for a meal when he does.
“Well, Steven, you haven’t come to see us in a few weeks.” Mr. Hoffman hugs Steve, who readily returns the embrace.
“I was away for a week. Will you join me today? I have something I want to talk to you about.” Mr. Hoffman looks intrigued and removes his apron to sit with Steve.
They order food, then Steve finds himself tongue-tied in how to ask what he wants. “Steven, whatever you need to talk to me about, it can’t be that bad.”
Steve huffs a quiet laugh. “There’s a neighbor that I have.” Steve spends a little time telling Mr. Hoffman everything he knows about James Barnes, but especially the lights and Menorah in the front window. “I feel like he’s doing this when no one can see because he’s missing someone.”
Mr. Hoffman looks thoughtful. “Yes, I would say you are right, but that doesn’t tell me why you wanted to speak to me about this.”
“I want to show him that I understand, but I don’t want to impose. I’d like to leave him gifts that are appropriate for Hanukkah.” Mr. Hoffman smiles, reaching out to pat Steve’s hand.
“You truly are a good man, Steven.” By the time he leaves the restaurant, Steve has a plan and several recipes.
The morning of the 18 th Steve heads to the closest market and gets everything that he needs. Stopping at the butcher on the way home, he picks up the most important part. When he gets back home, he waves to Harry and Josie, who he knows go out to breakfast every Sunday morning. He spends the entire day cooking and the smells filling his home are so familiar that he can’t help the smile that comes to his face.
Growing up, there was a family on the floor below his Ma’s apartment, a Jewish family, who would have this same meal at special times of the year. A few times, once for Passover and again at Hanukkah, Sarah and Steve were invited. Mrs. Freidman told them that it was because Sarah was an angel on Earth. Steve agreed.
As the afternoon turns to evening and the dusk is starting to turn to darkness, Steve loads everything into a basket, protectively in plastic containers. Taking it down his steps and then up the steps of the Barnes home, he sits it on the stoop with the card he wrote. Ringing the bell, Steve turns and leaves for his own sanctuary. Giving a last look, Steve enters his house when he hears the door next door open.
Bucky swings the door open, hoping that it’s his delivery of gifts. He doesn’t have much left these days, but he always makes sure to buy for the kids in the local hospital. He doesn’t find boxes, but a basket. The card on top says, ‘To James Barnes.’ It’s in a writing that Bucky doesn’t recognize, so he carefully moves the tea towel on top. Kneeling, the smell hits him first.
Tears fill his eyes, and he sits down in the doorway and cries. It takes a few minutes to realize that he’s out where everyone can see him. Quickly picking up the basket, he carries it inside and into the kitchen. Opening the card, he wipes his eyes to read:
‘James,
We don’t know each other and I don’t even know what you look like, but your decorations tell me a story. When I came out of the ice, I had nothing, or at least I thought I had nothing. It took years and a few betrayals, but I found my place here.
Whoever you’re missing, please know that you aren’t alone. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my Ma and this time of year, it’s worse.
Please enjoy this, on this first night of Hanukkah,
Steve Rogers’
Bucky cries again. Of course, he’s known who lives next door, but like all the other neighbors, Bucky just assumed that no one could understand his life. Something about the words mean that Steve Rogers does, and Bucky should have known that. But grief has a way of clouding what’s real and what’s not.
Opening each of the containers, he finds brisket, latkes, sour cream, and what appears to be homemade applesauce. Sitting heavily in a kitchen chair, he reaches in and takes a piece of the brisket. Closing his eyes, he savors a flavor he believed he’d never taste again. It’s exactly like his mother’s.
Getting up, he goes to the Menorah, placing his yarmulkes on his head, he lights the shamash, saying the prayers and lights the first candle. Later, he fills his plate with the food and just sits, watching the flame dance around. It’s been over six years since he did this and something about the food opens Bucky’s heart to it again. He’s going to need to thank Steve for this, but doesn’t know how.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, Bucky knows that, but having someone, a stranger, give him something this special means that maybe he can finally accept it and start moving forward. If Steve Rogers, who literally lost everything can, then maybe Bucky can too.
The next morning, he wants to go next door and thank the man, but Bucky can’t get his feet to step outside. All day he fights himself, all day he tries, but when evening comes around again, he’s still at home. Then, a knock makes him jump.
It couldn’t be.
After standing frozen for a little too long, Bucky heads to the door. On the stoop is a box and on top of the box is a card in the same handwriting as last night. Picking the box up, like it’s delicate, Bucky carries it into the kitchen. When he opens it, he wants to cry again. The jelly donuts smile up at him and Bucky smiles back. Taking the card, he carefully opens it.
‘James,
I hope I’m not overstepping by coming back with more food. I also hope that the brisket and latkes were to your liking. I don’t know a lot about Hanukkah, but these are the foods that I was told are traditional.
Have a happy Hanukkah,
Steve’
Bucky can’t let this go without a thank you, so he decides to do for Steve what the man’s been doing for him. Before he does that though, he snags one of the jelly donuts and finds it filled with raspberry. Moaning at the taste, he definitely needs to thank a man that didn’t have to care this much.
He starts cooking, looking at his grandfather’s cookbooks and finds what he’s looking for. As he bakes the cookies, he gets the food out and starts warming a plate. It’s just as good tonight as it was last night, and he gets to top it off with another donut. As the cookies come out of the oven, Bucky dims the lights in the living room, and the next candle is lit, flickering along with the first one.
Steve can’t sleep. It’s not unusual, but it’s been better lately. Since he moved into his place, sleeping has been easier, but every now and then, something keeps him up. It’s coming up on three in the morning and he’s sitting in the living room, sipping on tea, and watching the lights of the tree. He’s zeroed in on the ornament that he got in memory of his mother. He missed her something fierce.
The only lights are coming from the tree, so from outside it probably looks like he’s not up, so when the knock comes, he’s on his feet in seconds. His concern is that it might be someone from the team. When he opens the door, there’s a man at the bottom of the steps. “Hello?”
The man turns and Steve’s struck dumb. The man’s eyes are red-rimmed, from what, Steve isn’t sure. His wave, dark hair blows with the wind, but it’s his sharp cheekbones and crystal eyes that have Steve frozen. The man seems nervous at having been caught. “Uh...hey.”
Being the tactical genius that he is, Steve puts it together fast. “James?”
The man nods, but it’s so self-conscious. “Yeah, but I go by Bucky.” He turns, facing Steve. “I...uh...just wanted to thank you and made you those.”
Steve looks down where a box is sitting on the stoop. Bending, he opens the box and smiles in a melancholy way. “You didn’t...this is really kind of you.”
“I should have come over sooner and said thanks, but...” He doesn’t finish and Steve gets it.
“I understand and it wasn’t necessary. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.” Bucky chuckles, but it’s a wet sound and he reaches up, wiping his nose. “Would you like to come in? I mean, you don’t have to, but I’m not gonna sleep anyway.”
Looking around, almost like he wants to escape, Steve expects him to refuse and it’s okay if he does. “Yeah, sure.” Coming back up the stairs, Bucky stops in front of Steve. Again, the super soldier is struck by how pretty the man is. “You got any milk to go with the cookies?”
Chuckling, Steve steps aside to let the man in. “Yeah, I got milk.” Bucky snorts and steps into Steve’s home.
There’s silence as Steve gets a couple of glasses of milk and the box of cookies. When he goes into the living room, he finds Bucky looking at his tree. He seems to have found the memorial ornaments and is staring at them. “Your mom was a nurse.”
“Yeah, and because of her, I lived longer than anyone told her I would. She never let me give up.” Bucky nods, but doesn’t turn.
“Who are the others for?” It could be seen as an invasive question, but Steve doesn’t feel that way. Someone is asking about the people that he loved the most.
“There’s one for each of the Commandos, one for Peggy, one for Howard.” Steve sits the milk and cookies down and goes to the tree, standing next to Bucky. “Who are you missing?”
The whisper is heartbreaking. “Everyone.” Suddenly, Steve has a man in his arms, sobbing like he did all those years ago when he realized everything and everyone he knew was gone.
They don’t move for a long time, Steve just holds Bucky, letting the man cry as long as he needs. When they finally sit, the milk is room temperature, but they drink it anyway, nibbling on the cookies. “These are really good.”
“Thanks, my grandfather had a bakery, and this is one of his. I didn’t really know him, but I got the cookbooks when...” Bucky looks up, trying to smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Bucky, I’m here if you want to talk.” Bucky’s eyes are on the floor, but he nods with a quiet sniffle.
“A little over six years ago, my entire family was killed.” Steve wasn’t expecting that and finds himself choking up at the idea. “We were supposed to go on vacation right after Thanksgiving. The plane my dad hired crashed. My parents, my sisters, their husbands, and all of my nieces and nephews. Suddenly, everyone was just gone.” Steve gets up, sitting his glass down, and kneels on the floor in front of the chair that Bucky’s sitting in. He pulls Bucky into his arms again, then hears, “I was going to be on the plane too, but stayed at the office to wrap up everything, so my dad could go with them.” He starts to sob again. “I shoulda been with them.”
By the time Bucky leaves, it’s nearly six. He makes his way home, but not before looking back once more, to see Steve standing on the stoop. He’d tried to get Bucky to stay for breakfast, but the neighborhood will be waking soon, and Bucky doesn’t want to be seen leaving Steve’s.
“People will talk if they see me, and I don’t want to do that to you.” Steve had shrugged and told Bucky he didn’t care what people thought, but understood.
That doesn’t stop Steve from standing on his stoop until Bucky’s front door closes. Once he’s back inside, Steve leans on the door. He let Bucky cry as many times as he needed to, but now it’s Steve’s turn. He slides to the floor, sobbing into his arms. He doesn’t sleep. Instead, Steve heads out to find as many things as he can that will maybe, just maybe, get Bucky to smile.
By the time he gets home, he’s got blue and white bags, each one checked and okay’d by Mr. Hoffman. In fact, the shirt had the older man laughing so hard, he told Steve he’s going to get himself one. Holding up the blue shirt, there’s a Menorah on the front with the words, ‘Let’s Get Lit’ under it. The pajama pants are blue and white, as are the slippers. He has a container of matza ball soup and bread.
Going into the kitchen, Steve gets out the recipe for the donuts. “You can’t ever have too many donuts.” Checking the pantry, he finds strawberry jam and nods to himself.
As he’s working on the donuts, he puts in his headphones, bringing up the audio file he downloaded earlier. All day he listens and makes sure to practice. By the time evening has come, Steve gathers everything he has and heads out the back door. Instead of going out the front, not wanting anyone to see him, Steve carefully sits everything on the table in the backyard and removes three of the planks from the fence. There’s excitement filling his stomach. He wants so much to have Bucky smile.
By the time he gathers everything back up, Bucky’s on his own back porch, trying to figure out what the noise is. “Steve?”
Ladened down with bags and the box of donuts, Steve looks up, grinning. “Hey Bucky, I hope you don’t mind, but I did some shopping today.”
Then it happens, Steve hoped, but wasn’t really expecting it. Bucky smiles. “If that box has donuts in it, then I don’t mind you tearing down part of the fence.”
“Then we’re both in luck.” He hops up the steps and follows Bucky inside. “I made strawberry this time. You aren’t allergic, are you?”
Turning, Bucky smirks. “As good as they are, I’d eat them anyway.” He looks down at all the bags. “What is all of this?”
Steve blushes and gives an embarrassed shrug. “I went out and got you some stuff.”
Bucky nearly falls out of his chair when he pulls out the shirt. By the time he’s taken everything out of the bags, he’s looking at Steve with misty eyes. “You didn’t have to do this.”
Steve sighs. “Yeah, I know, but I wanted to.” Steve looks over at the Menorah. “You haven’t lit the candles yet.”
“Yeah, I guess I...do you want to light them with me?” Steve positively beams.
“I was hoping you’d ask that.” Bucky’s brow furrows.
Standing side by side, at the Menorah, Bucky puts his yarmulkes on his head and offers Steve one from the drawer. “It was my grandfathers, but I think he’d be okay with you wearing it.”
Steve grins, placing it on his head. Bucky starts by lighting the shamash, but he doesn’t speak. Steve waits a few more seconds and realizes that Bucky isn’t going to say the blessings, so he does it. All day he’s been listening and practicing, just in case. Looking over, he starts the first blessing. “ Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tsivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah.” Looking over, Bucky’s eyes are huge and when Steve looks over, fear on his face that he’s overstepped, Bucky nods. As Bucky continues to light the candles, Steve says the second blessing. “ Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, she-asah nisim la-avoteinu v’imoteinu bayamim haheim bazman hazeh .”
“That was beautifully done, Steve. But how?” Steve smiles at the compliment and blushes again.
“I practiced all day.” Bucky laughs and Steve counts that as a win.
“We’re going to end up being friends, aren’t we Steve?” With a chuckle, Steve pulls Bucky over to the box of donuts.
“And here I was thinking we already were.”
It’s late, much later than Steve believed, when Bucky opens up, like he did the night before. “My dad was Catholic, but Ma insisted that we know the Jewish traditions too. We celebrated both.”
“My Ma was Catholic too. I guess after everything I went through, I didn’t really see the point in church and organized religion anymore.” Steve decides that if Bucky’s going to share, then he needs to offer his own life. “There are too many people out there that claim to be christians, but what they do and what comes out of their mouths is not anything I was taught.” He looks over and Bucky’s watching him. “There’s something calming about all of this.” He motions over towards the Menorah.
“Yeah, I think that’s why I keep gravitating to it.” Around two, Steve starts to yawn and remembers that he never did go to sleep the night before.
“I should probably go.” He slips out the backdoor, waving one last time. As he crawls in bed, Steve smiles. He made Bucky laugh tonight. They’re definitely friends.
Before Steve has the opportunity to join Bucky for another night of celebration, his alarm goes off. He’s just returned from the bakery and looks at the box forlornly. He sends a text to Clint, asking the archer to come and pick him up, but not to land in the street. Getting into his stealth suit, he attaches the shield to his back and grabs the box.
He’s just set it on Bucky’s front steps and knocked when he hears the jet. It hovers over the street, causing more than one person to come out and see what’s going on. Steve waves as the ladder drops from the ramp. He hears Harry yell, “You be careful out there, Steve!”
Looking back over at Bucky’s door, he sees it open, and the man bend down to pick up the box. He looks up and Steve gives a sad wave. Bucky waves back and pats his chest, as if to say, ‘thank you.’ Because he can’t help himself, Steve calls to his new friend, “I’ll see you when I get back!” Bucky nods and Steve climbs into the jet and the ramp closes.
“You got a good thing going here, Cap.” Steve buckles into the seat next to Clint.
“Yeah, I really do.” He gets one last look at Bucky as the jet circles around. Something in Steve’s chest hurts that he won’t be with Bucky tonight.
As far as missions go, this one is not different. They go in with intel and something goes wrong. In this case, it’s Sam being injured and Steve going in after him when one of the wings gives out. Sam lands on Steve in an awkward way and Steve’s shoulder gets dislocated. When he stands to fight again, using just one arm, he takes a shot to the leg. It’s bad enough that Steve cries out and goes down again.
“What the hell is happening?” Tony flies in, landing next to Steve. “Cap, come on, man.”
Steve rolls onto his back and his eyes widen. “Tony! Look out!”
Tony turns, raising a gauntlet and firing at the robot coming at him. Once it’s down, Tony hangs his head. “We gotta get outta here. This isn’t what we had intel on.”
Pushing himself from the ground, Steve looks at Tony, with that look and Iron Man knows this battle is over. “Tony, grab my arm and pull.”
Shaking his head, Tony does as he’s told. Steve winces a little, but nothing like a normal person. “You’re about to get angry, aren’t you?”
Steve gives a grimace. “I’m always angry when we’re sent into a place that we aren’t prepared for.” He throws the shield, running into the fray. He’s limping some, but not nearly what Tony is expecting, which means Steve’s covering until he can get the team out alive.
On the flight home, Natasha is trying to clean up the injury on Steve’s leg, with Bruce’s help. Meanwhile, Steve is yelling at Fury about the lack of good intel. “Steve, man, you need to calm...” Steve glares over at Sam. “Or not.” Sam walks away, hands in the air.
Turning his attention back to the screen, Steve growls out. “Do! Not! Call on the Avengers again if you don’t have something better than this shit!” He hits the button and looks over at the team. “Is everyone else, okay?”
The nods he gets have him breathing a sigh of relief. “Cap, what did you mean with Fury?” Clint seems concerned, but also supportive.
“I meant that we don’t take missions if they don’t give us what we need. I’m not taking you guys into another situation like this. If anything happened to any of you, I couldn’t let that stand.” There’s another round of nods and a few soft smiles.
Once Natasha and Bruce have him patched up, Steve lays back on the med-bay bed and thinks about having missed two nights with Bucky. He’s going to go see Mr. Hoffman when they get home and get food to share with his new friend. The thought of sitting and talking with Bucky brings a smile to his face. He doesn’t realize how it may look until Sam leans over the table.
“I’ve seen a smile like that before, just not on you.” Steve blushes, but can’t wipe the smile away.
Bucky sits in front of the TV for the days that Steve is gone. Most of the footage is from someone’s cell phone, but a few times, there’s clear images from a camera crew. He watches how the battle seems to never turn in the Avengers favor. On the first day, because he can’t take it anymore, Bucky goes to the attic and pulls down boxes of lights. Easing through the hole in the fence, he starts working.
On the second day, he sees Falcon fall out of the sky and can’t stop himself from crying, “No” at the TV. He sees Steve run and how Falcon lands on him. He watches as Iron Man puts Steve’s shoulder back into place. He also sees Steve go down when hit by some kind of weapon. He finds his heart beating out of his chest.
The idea that Steve might not come back hits Bucky the hardest and he stands, turning off the TV and looking over at the Menorah. Walking over to the window, Bucky looks out into the street. “I can’t lose anyone else. You better come home, Steve.”
He cooks most of the afternoon to have something to do with his hands and to occupy his mind. By the time he’s done, there are more cookies than one person, or even six people, could eat on their own. When the sun goes down and the neighborhood is quiet, he sneaks out and puts boxes of cookies on the steps of the three houses that Steve has talked about before.
He’s pretty sure that Mrs. Papadakis sees him, but she doesn’t open the door until he’s stepped away, down the street. With everything that Steve’s told him about these people, they’re good, decent, and maybe, with Steve’s help, Bucky can make a few friends. When he’s home again, he changes into the pajama pants that Steve gave him and cuddles up on the sofa, giving a silent prayer that Steve comes home safe.
Steve gets home midmorning, having told everyone that they aren’t debriefing on this mission. Fury can shove it up his ass. He instructs everyone to clean up, eat something, and sleep for as long as they need. Grabbing his gear, he heads to the garage and the waiting car. “Happy, I need to stop somewhere first before you drop me off.”
“You got it, Cap.” Giving him the address, Steve leans back in the seat and closes his eyes. Yes, he’s tired. Yes, he’s dirty, but he’s not going to lose time with Bucky again. There’s only three more days of Hanukkah. “Are you doing anything special for Christmas, Cap?”
The question jolts Steve out of his thoughts. “Honestly, I didn’t even think about it. I guess I lost track of days.”
“Mr. Stark will be having people over on Christmas Eve if you aren’t busy. I know the boss would like it if you were there.” Happy watches Cap in the mirror and sees a little smile.
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” They pull up to the restaurant and Steve jumps out, heading inside. They’ve just opened for lunch and Mr. Hoffman looks up, first grinning, then concerned over Steve’s state.
“Steven, are you okay?” He comes over, checking Steve over. It’s such a caring thing to do and Steve lets himself enjoy the attention.
“Yeah, I just got back, but I need a favor.” Mr. Hoffman nods. “Can you prepare a big meal? I’ll pick it up later this afternoon. I’ve been away and I want to share something special with my friend.”
Mr. Hoffman gives that smile, patting Steve’s shoulder. “I can do that for you. Now, go home and get yourself presentable.”
When Steve gets home, he ends up sitting at his computer for several hours, typing out a detailed initiative about what the Avengers will and won’t do from this point forward. When he receives a text a little over twenty minutes later, ordering him to come in, Steve sends a text back to Fury with a middle finger emoji and ‘I’ve made my position clear, and I will not have anyone on my team dying because you didn’t do your job.’
After that, he showers and heads to pick up the food. The sun is starting to set and when he steps outside, into his backyard, he freezes in his tracks. The entirety of his backyard looks like a winter wonderland of lights. While he was gone, Bucky worked his magic and gave Steve this incredible gift. There’s no doubt in Steve’s mind that this was Bucky. Steve eases through the opening in the fence, looking back one more time at the lights hanging from all of his trees and plants. It’s enchanting and Steve spins in circles, just looking at everything.
When he knocks on the door, Bucky slides around the corner, on socked feet, throwing it open and wraps Steve in a hug. It’s an unexpected gesture that warms Steve’s insides. “Welcome home, Steve.” Bucky’s wearing the shirt and pajama pants that Steve gave him.
Pulling Bucky in with one arm, Steve breathes deeply. “Thanks, it’s good to be back. I brought food.” Leaning away, but not removing his arm, Steve smiles softly. “Thanks for the backyard.”
Bucky blushes, but gives an equally soft smile. “You’re welcome. It seemed the least I could do for everything you’ve been doing for me.”
Steve leaves the food in the kitchen and goes to the living room. The Menorah sits, unlit, waiting. “You haven’t lit it yet.”
Bucky goes over, putting on his yarmulkes and offers Steve the one from the drawer. “You want to light them with me tonight?” Smiling, Steve takes the offering and puts it on. Bucky takes the shamash from the Menorah and lights it, then looks up at Steve. Wrapping his hand around Bucky’s, Steve starts the blessing, and they light the candles together. In all of Steve’s years as a Catholic, he’s never felt anything this intimate before.
For a few extra minutes, they stand in silence, not moving or talking. Bucky replaces the shamash and looks up at Steve again. Steve’s filled with emotions he hasn’t allowed himself to feel. Staring into those iridescent blue eyes, he simply whispers, “Bucky.” It wells up like a tidal wave, overtaking and drowning Steve in everything warm and good; everything he’s supposed to feel at this time of the year. It’s night five of Hanukkah, but it’s night one of Steve being a new person, one worthy of everything he’s gained in his life.
They eat, leaning against the sofa, using the coffee table for their plates. Steve is silent, with so much on his mind. Between this new feeling, being with Bucky in his home and the situation with the team, he knows that Bucky’s watching him. Steve hears Bucky sit his fork down, but the sound doesn’t really register.
“Steve?” Coming out of his head, Steve looks over at Bucky’s concerned face. “What’s going on? Is it your leg?”
“How did you know about my leg?” Steve’s confusion doubles when Bucky starts to laugh.
“Jesus, Steve, do you not pay attention to the cameras around when you’re fighting. Everyone knows about your leg.” Shaking his head, Steve breathes deeply.
“No, it isn’t that. It will be healed completely by tomorrow afternoon.” He sits his own fork down and turns his body to better see Bucky’s face. “It was the mission.” With these new thoughts and feelings, Steve believes it’s safer to talk about the mission. “We didn’t have the kind of intel we needed for it to be a safe situation.”
“Don’t you have someone that puts that together for you? How did this happen?” Bucky’s concern is palpable.
“We do have someone, but he sent us in anyway without having what we really needed. I told him that from now on, I’ll make the final decision on where the Avengers go or don’t go. I’m not letting anyone get hurt, or worse, because the information is bad or not complete.” Steve’s anger from earlier is coming back.
“How did he take that?” Bucky can tell by the look that it didn’t go over well.
“About the way you’d think, but I will not lose a friend because he’s too gung-ho. The Avengers are becoming a tool to be used and we’re people, Bucky. People with lives and people we care about. I just can’t let anything happen to them.” Steve thinks about what it would be like to find himself in a desperate situation and the last thing he thinks about is Bucky.
Bucky reaches over, taking Steve’s hand. “They depend on you to keep them safe and that’s what you’re doing. You and that team aren’t tools, Steve, you’re good people wanting to keep the rest of us safe. If this guy can’t see that, then fuck him and anyone else that just wants to use you.”
They finish eating, then carry their plates to the kitchen. Bucky insists on doing the dishes and tells Steve to sit down and rest his leg. Hopping up on the counter, Steve sits next to the sink and watches Bucky work. He truly examines Bucky, and the man’s face is a revelation to Steve. He’s known, for coming up on two weeks, that Bucky’s attractive, but with these new feelings, he’s seeing the beauty, true beauty, shining out of his face.
“Buck?” Bucky hums, letting Steve know he heard him. “What do you do? I mean, for a job.”
There’s a casual, half-shrug. “Nothing.” He looks up at Steve, seeing he’s got the blonde’s full attention. “I sold the company after...well, after. I sold my parents’ home and everything else.” Looking back down, he scrubs the plate too hard. “I just couldn’t...”
Jumping off the counter, Steve stands behind his friend, rubbing up and down Bucky’s back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve told you more than anyone.” Rinsing his hands, Bucky grabs the towel, drying them off. He turns, looking up into Steve’s eyes and gives a sad smile. “After about a year, I realized that I couldn’t run the business anymore, so I sold it, then I had a crew go in and clear out my parents’ house and sold that too. Some of the important stuff is in storage. Someday, I’ll go through it.”
“You take all the time you need because what you suffered, it’s too much for anyone.” Steve tentatively pulls Bucky into a hug that’s readily returned. “If I ask anything you don’t want to answer, you just tell me.” He gets a nod against his neck. “What was the business?”
“Cyber-security.” Bucky leans back, staring up into Steve’s eyes. “I still tinker with it, now and then, but there’s was no way I could keep running things. Hell, that year, I wasn’t really running anything.” He leans back on the sink. “There were two buyers interested and I went with the one that agreed to keep all the employees.”
“Sounds like you made a good decision.” Taking a step back, Steve hopes he’s not making a mistake. “I know it’s not the same, and never will be, but you aren’t alone anymore, Buck. I’m here and I’m not goin anywhere.”
Reaching up, Bucky cups Steve’s cheek. “You aren’t alone either. You’ve lost just as much as I have, but you found a way to build a new life here.”
“When I first came out of the ice, I didn’t know where to go or what to do with myself.” Steve sighs as Bucky pulls his hand away. “I used to ride the subway, hoping I’d find something familiar. I didn’t.”
“You have now though.” Steve gives a sweet, shy smile.
“Yeah, now I’ve found more than I thought I would.” He leaves that thought out there, wishing that Bucky understood.
The morning of the 23rd, Steve goes across the street to wish Evelyn and Maddie a Merry Christmas. They sit for a little while, drinking coffee, until Steve sees Maddie elbow her wife. Evelyn shoves back but turns to Steve. “So, the day you left on the mission, our reclusive neighbor was outside.”
Steve gives a miniscule smile and keeps staring at his coffee. “Yeah.” He looks up and Evelyn gives him a smirk.
“You and our reclusive neighbor have gotten to know each other?” Maddie leans on the table, waiting for Steve’s answer.
“What makes you think that?” Both women roll their eyes and Steve chuckles.
“The fact that you yelled that you’d see him when you got back was a dead giveaway, Steve.” They all three laugh.
“Yeah, we’ve become friends.” They want to ask a million questions, but refrain from doing it.
Bucky watches as Steve leaves the lawyers’ house and heads to the next-door neighbors. The older gentleman lets Steve in, and Bucky knows that he’ll be in there for a little while, just like he was with the ladies across the street. By the time Steve heads to Mrs. Papadakis, he’s laughing to himself, and Bucky makes a note to ask what was so funny.
That night, December 23 rd , Steve and Bucky light the candles together again. Once the calm of the ritual settles, they go into Steve’s backyard, bundled up, sipping cocoa and watching the lights. “Bucky, I wanna ask you something and you can say no. In fact, please say no if it makes you uncomfortable.”
“Okay, but you’ve got me curious now.” Bucky’s head is leaning back on the chair, but it’s turned to meet Steve’s eyes.
The look causes Steve to blush. “Tomorrow night, Tony is having a small get together at the Tower. I told them I would be there.” Bucky nods because it’s not a surprise that Steve would spend time with his friends. “I can bring a plus one and I was thinking...”
Bucky sits up, head tilted. “Are you asking me to meet your friends, the Avengers?” Steve nods and Bucky sits back again, looking up at the lights. “Steve, I don’t think...”
“I get it!” Steve jumps in because he felt that Bucky wouldn’t be able to, but he needed to ask. “I said you could say no.”
“I’m just not sure my first time out, I could handle meeting Earth’s Mightiest Heros.” Steve chuckles and Bucky smiles, knowing that he didn’t hurt Steve’s feelings.
“They are a lot to take.” He reaches over, patting Bucky’s arm. “I just wanted to ask.”
The following day, Bucky knocks on Steve’s kitchen door and spends the day helping Steve bake cookies. Some for the party and some for the neighbors. He’s been doing this since he moved in, but having Bucky there, rolling out the dough, laughing and teasing, it feels like this is the piece that’s been missing.
“Steve?” He turns and Bucky smears icing on his nose.
Narrowing his eyes, Steve dips his finger into the icing bowl and steps cautiously towards his friend. Bucky squeals and runs for the door. He catches Bucky halfway across the yard, grabbing him around the waist with one arm and smearing icing on his cheek. “Don’t ever think you can get away from me, Mr. Barnes.”
Bucky giggles incessantly and turns, reaching up to wipe the icing away and lick his fingers. “Hmmm, that’s good.” He continues to giggle, pointing at Steve’s face. “You still have a little...”
“Yeah, icing on my nose. Thanks for that.” They laugh all the way back into the house. “Now, where did I put the sprinkles?” Steve’s digging through the pantry and Bucky watches him.
When he turns around, Bucky sees the snowflake sprinkles and smiles. Somewhere in the pit of his stomach, something flutters. “You went all out, didn’t you?”
“I always do.” Later, while Bucky cleans up, Steve makes the rounds in the neighborhood, handing out plates of cookies.
By the time he gets back to his home, Steve doesn’t find Bucky, but does find a note. ‘Before you leave for the party, will you come and light the candles with me?’ Steve just smiles, guessing that Bucky already knows his answer.
Once he’s showered and dressed, Steve heads next door through the backyard. Bucky’s waiting on the back porch and won’t tell Steve, but he loses his breath. Steve’s dressed in a deep blue suit, with a white dress shirt and no tie. His hair is slicked back, and his beard is trimmed. He’s a walking dream and Bucky’s pretty sure he just realized that it’s a dream he’d like to have. “Wow, you clean up good, Mr. Rogers.”
Steve huffs. “Are you making fun of me, Buck?”
Blushing, Bucky has to take a deep breath and swallow. He keeps his eyes on the ground, but tells the absolute truth. “I am not.” He looks up into Steve’s eyes. “You look good, Steve. Really good.”
They light the candles and Steve doesn’t let go of Bucky’s hand, even when he replaces the shamash. He just stands there, holding onto Bucky. “Buck, I think...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I think I have feelings for you.”
Bucky twists their hands and links his fingers with Steve’s. Looking up, into those blue eyes, Bucky sniffles. When Steve starts to apologize again, Bucky reaches up, with his other hand, stopping the words. “For the first time, in such a long time, when I’m with you, I feel like I belong somewhere. I have feelings for you too, Steve.” Steve wraps his arms around Bucky’s waist and just holds him. “Can you stay for about ten more minutes?”
Steve watches Bucky run up the stairs and wonders what this is about. Happy will be outside in about twenty minutes and Steve doesn’t want to be seen coming out of Bucky’s house. He understands why Bucky hides away, but hopes that soon, he won’t feel like he has to anymore. Steve wants to be able to walk the neighborhood holding Bucky’s hand. In fact, Steve wants more than he’s willing to say out loud with Bucky.
Steve’s staring out the front window, when he hears Bucky clear his throat. When he turns, he’s not prepared. Bucky’s coming down the stairs in a deep grey suit with a pale grey shirt and, like Steve, there’s no tie. His hair is swept away from his face, in a messy bun with delicate tendrils framing his face, and everything he’s wearing and with his hair like that, his sharp cheekbones are accented.
“Bucky, you look beautiful.” Steve gets a blush from Bucky and holds out his hand. Bucky takes it shyly and lets Steve pull him in. “What’s this about?”
“You asked me to be your plus one. I hope you still want me to come with you.” Bucky’s voice is soft, unsure and it causes Steve to tear up.
“I want it more than anything, but are you sure?” Reaching up, Bucky caresses Steve’s cheek.
“Just hang onto me, yeah?”
“Always.” On the way to the Tower, Steve sends a message to Pepper. He’d send it to someone else, but she’s the one that can always rein in the whole group.
Pepper holds up her hands after reading the text. “Tony!” Because of the holiday and Tony being who he is, he’s the only one that isn’t paying attention.
“Come on, Pep, what could Cap have to say that’s so important?” She glares at him, and Tony sits down on the back of the sofa in the common room.
The whole group, Avengers and guests, give her their full attention. “Steve is bringing a plus one.”
Tony’s eyes shoot up. “Whoa.”
Pepper looks over, giving him the stare. “Yes, and in his text, he was very clear about not getting too personal with his guest.” She looks down at her phone and reads, ‘This situation is very new, and I don’t want my guest to feel like they’re being interrogated.’ She looks at everyone. “So, you will all be on your best behavior tonight.” She glares at Tony again, then turns that stare on Natasha. “There will be plenty of time to question Steve’s new friend later, but tonight is about family and being together. Am I making myself clear?”
She gets nods from all around. When she goes to get another flute of Champaign, Tony sidles up next to her. “Why is this so important to you?”
Pepper turns, shaking her head. “It isn’t, but how many times have you told Steve to get a life? How many times has he ignored you and kept on fighting the good fight?” She reaches out, putting a hand on his arm. “He’s finally doing what you’ve been telling him to do, and I don’t want it ruined because some of you can’t keep your noses out of this until it isn’t so new.”
Leaning in, Tony kisses her cheek. “I got this and if I see Romanov going in for the kill, I’ll sidetrack her.”
“Thank you.” With that, she kisses his cheek and makes Tony blush.
Everyone is mingling and chatting when the elevator opens, and Steve comes out holding the hand of an attractive man. The room freezes and even Pepper is surprised.
“Everyone, this is James Barnes, my date.”
There’s no movement or chatter for several seconds, then Clint moves over towards Steve. “Thank god, the cookies are finally here. I’ve been telling the kids about them, and they don’t believe me when I tell them how good they are.” He takes the container, still talking, lifting the lid and taking one out. He heads over to the table, followed by three kids and a pretty, brunette woman.
Finally, it’s Tony that makes the next move. Going over, he offers his hand to Bucky. “Mr. Barnes, it’s nice to meet you.” There’s a gasp and Tony turns around to glare at Bruce. “Would you stop acting so surprised when I act like a decent human.”
Steve snorts. “Well, Tony, you have to admit, it doesn’t happen very often.”
Bucky clears his throat. “Mr. Stark, it’s nice to meet you too.” Pepper is watching from the sidelines, narrowing her eyes at the man.
Natasha comes over, linking her arm with Bucky’s and pulling him towards the bar. “Mr. Barnes, do you know who I am?”
With a nervous chuckle, Bucky responds. “Yes, ma’am, I do and please call me James.” Bucky decides to keep his nickname between him and Steve. Looking back over his shoulder, Steve looks concerned and Bucky shrugs.
“You should call me Natasha or Nat.” They get to the bar, where Thor is fixing drinks and there are two women drinking what look to be martinis. “Thor, we’re going to need some Champaign.”
After pouring the drinks, Thor offers his hand. “It is a great pleasure to meet you, James Barnes.” He indicates the ladies. “May I introduce you to my lady, Jane, and her dearest friend, Darcy.”
Pepper goes to Steve, who misses having Bucky next to him. “Steve, this is a surprise and I’m sure that there are many, many questions they all want you to answer, but I had them promise to be on their best behavior.” Looking over, watching for any discomfort from Bucky, Steve realizes that the time they’ve spent together in the last couple of weeks, he’s cherished every second.
“I appreciate you keeping them under control.” She pats his arm, then heads to the bar.
Darcy stands, just as Pepper gets there, looking Bucky up and down. “Well, if you ever decide that you don’t like Cap, I’d like a chance to climb you.” Bucky throws his head back, barking out a laugh and Steve’s smile goes soft. It’s a lovely sound from a lovely man.
“You know, Cap, you keep looking at him like that and we’re all going to start making gagging noises.” Steve turns, finding Tony watching his face. “You got it bad, huh?”
“I had no idea I could fall this hard, this fast.” Tony pats Steve’s arm, then heads over to the bar.
Steve goes to help Thor bring in a couple of extra crates of Champaign a little later. When he comes back into the room, he immediately scans it for Bucky. “You worry for your partner?”
Steve looks at Thor, blushing. “I do.” Thor grins and Steve blushes. “You guys can be a lot to take, Thor.”
“Yes, this is true, but we also care for you and James seems to be as taken with you as you are with him.” Steve spots Bucky near the balcony with Pepper.
“I hope so.”
“Mr. Barnes,” Bucky frowns and Pepper gives an embarrassed smile, “James, I didn’t want to bring this up where anyone could hear, but you’re the same James Barnes that owned Spark?”
“Yes, I am.” Carefully, she reaches out, putting a hand on his forearm. Bucky looks at the floor, knowing what’s coming.
“We kept everyone on staff, just like you negotiated and even though I started to move them here, to the Tower, I decided to keep them in the building your family purchased. They seemed more comfortable that way.” She doesn’t offer a platitude, just information that he’s wondered about.
“Thank you. They’re all good people, smart and dedicated.” She nods and sees Steve headed over.
“Well, I think this is my time to exit. Steve seems to be on a mission.” Pepper gives Steve a smile as they pass.
Wrapping an arm around Bucky, Steve kisses his forehead, just lingering for a few seconds. “They like you.”
“I like them too.” He looks around. “I guess I didn’t expect them to be so much like siblings with each other.” He looks up into Steve’s eyes. “And they really care about you.”
Music starts to swell from the band and Tony takes Pepper onto the dancefloor. Steve grins. “Dance with me?”
Bucky takes Steve’s hand. The song is slow and for that, Steve is grateful. Pulling Bucky against him, wrapping one arm around the man’s waist and pulling their joined hands to his chest, they move slowly around the floor. Steve’s a good dancer, as long as it’s slow like this. He feels Bucky sigh and it makes him smile. “Thank you for bringing me tonight.”
Steve closes his eyes and just allows himself to feel everything. “Thank you for wanting to come with me.”
When they arrive home, the neighborhood is asleep, so they go through Steve’s front door. He walks Bucky out the back, through the fence, and to door. “Can we have breakfast tomorrow morning?”
“I’d like that.” Taking Bucky’s hand, Steve kisses it, gives one last smile and heads home.
Bucky goes inside and freezes for a few seconds. He’s happy. The feeling so unfamiliar that he didn’t even recognize it at first. He’s happy.
Steve wakes the following morning with the smell of coffee and bacon wafting up the stairs. Rolling over, he sits up and finds it curious, but then thinking of Bucky, he jumps from the bed. Going into the bathroom, he does his morning business, then slips on sweats and a tee shirt. Heading down the stairs, he hears Christmas music from the record player. At the foot of the stairs, he stops. The living room is lit up with lights and the tree is on. Underneath are more gifts than were there the night before.
“Bucky?” Rounding the corner into the kitchen, he finds Bucky at the stove, cooking more food than they had at the Tower the night before.
Bucky turns, grinning sheepishly. “I hope you don’t mind, but you left your back door unlocked. I thought I’d get a jump on the breakfast you wanted to have.” Turning the stove off, he goes to Steve, hugging the big blonde. “Happy Christmas, Steve.”
Steve melts at the hug and the sentiment. “Happy Christmas to you too, Buck.”
“Now, we need to eat because there’s presents under that tree for both of us.” Bucky seems giddy with excitement and Steve feels that welling up inside of him too.
They sit down to eat, chatting about the night before and what Bucky thinks about the rest of the team. Partway through breakfast, Steve feels Bucky’s foot against his own, under the table, and before they finish, there’s a solid game of footsy going on. Steve keeps blushing and Bucky gives him shy smiles, but it’s obvious that they’re building something special.
After opening gifts, they sit in the middle of the living room floor, surrounded by paper and open boxes. “Bucky?” Bucky’s holding up a sweater, feeling how soft the material is, but hums that he heard Steve. “Would it be okay...do you think...I’d really like to kiss you.”
Bucky’s eyes shoot up and Steve’s never seen a smile that rivals the sunrise, but that’s what he gets. “Yeah...umm...I’d really like that.”
Moving the box out of his lap, Steve crawls over, reaching to cup Bucky’s cheek, then he’s kissing this beautiful man. There’s a moan from one of them, then Bucky’s climbing over to Steve. Sitting back on his legs, Steve pulls Bucky in, deepening the kiss. When he pulls away, Steve looks into those blue eyes. “How has it only been two weeks? I feel like you’ve always been here.”
Bucky’s whispered, “Yeah,” gets lost in the kiss that follows.
They spend the day going back and forth between the two townhomes, making out and putting away presents. That night, they light the last candle, saying the blessings together and sealing it with a kiss. That night, Steve pulls Bucky outside, into the middle of the street, cocoa in hand. It’s started to snow, and it glitters in the light of the streetlamps. Before long, Maddie, Evelyn, Harry and Josie join them with Mrs. Papadakis standing on her stoop laughing at them.
Steve makes introductions and Bucky shakes the hands of people that have been curious about him, but also never pushed. He leans into Steve’s side, taking in the warmth and smiling up at the light snowfall.
A year later
Steve wakes slowly Christmas morning, wrapped around Bucky from behind. Just like last year, they went to the Tower for Christmas Eve, but came back to their quiet home. Over the last year, they hired a crew to take out a wall between the two. At some point, they’re planning a complete redesign, but for now, they have this shared life.
Looking over at the wall, Steve sees that it’s just after six. Darkness still fills the room, but it’s giving way to small tendrils of morning light coming from the window. The team will be here later this morning and knowing them, they’ll stay most of the day. In fact, some of them might sleep over. Hanukkah was earlier this year, but the Menorah is still in the front window.
Sliding out of bed, Steve goes to the bathroom, then gets out sleeping pants for both of them, laying Bucky’s on the end of the bed. He doesn’t bother with a tee shirt and slips out of the room and heads downstairs. Pushing the button on the coffee maker, he goes to turn all the lights on. Pulling the breakfast casserole out of the fridge, he preheats the oven.
Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he gets a second and adds the flavored creamer to it. Smiling, he heads back up the stairs. Bucky’s just rolling over, looking for Steve. “Hey.”
Bucky looks over at the door, smiling at Steve. Then he sees the coffee and makes grabby hands at it. “Morning.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Steve hands the coffee over and gets a kiss. “If you get any more beautiful, I don’t think I can take it.”
Bucky blushes, but also grins over the edge of the cup. “Whatever you want, you can have it.”
Steve snorts, leaning in for another kiss. “I have everything I want.”
“Sweet talker.” Steve tries to get up, but Bucky grabs him for one more kiss.
“I’m going to put the casserole into the oven. Meet me at the tree, ‘cause there’s presents.” Bucky sits the coffee down and gets out of bed. Before walking away, Steve’s treated to Bucky naked and no embarrassment. “Absolutely beautiful.”
They sit in the living room, presents and paper everywhere, but Steve’s looking around, seemingly upset. “Steve? What’s wrong?”
“There’s another gift, but I can seem to find it.” He’s moving paper, picking up boxes, then his eyes look to the tree. “Oh, there it is.” He gives a devious smirk.
He points and Bucky looks into the branches of the tree, where a small velvet box sits. His eyes get huge as he reaches in. “Steve, what did you do?”
“It’s not what I did, it’s what I’m about to do.” Getting up on his knees, he opens the box in Bucky’s hand. “I love you. I think I knew the minute I saw you that I was going to love you. When I tell you that you’re beautiful, I mean it, every time. I want that beauty in my life for all the days of my life. Will you marry me, Bucky?”
Bucky shakes his head, but it’s not a rejection, it’s disbelief. “You saved me, Steve.” He looks up, misty-eyed. “You have no idea what your act of kindness did for me last year. I’d live with you without this, but if you’re offering, then hell yes, I’ll marry you.”