Chapter Text
“We need to talk.”
Kallus had been dreading that statement since Zeb had first laid eyes on him back at Ezra’s tower. Of course he’d known the Lasat would have questions as soon as he learned of the pregnancy, but Kallus had never prepared himself for a scenario where he’d be captured, rescued, and then have to explain to his rescuers how he’d ended up in this mess in the first place.
He sighed heavily. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. He’d had everything planned out for months. Wait until he thought he was close to giving birth, request indefinite leave, and hide out on Lothal in the tower. Once the baby was born, his plan was to leave it at a medcenter where he knew it would be found and cared for. After that, he would return to duty on the Destroyer. No one would ever know he’d been pregnant or that the child existed. With luck, his baby would be adopted by a good family, and he’d be able to focus all his attention on his work.
Choosing to give up his baby had been a heart wrenching decision. As much as he wanted to keep it, he knew his superiors would never have allowed it. The baby would’ve been snatched and taken away to be raised as a soldier the moment it left his body. He or she would’ve become just another dispensable pawn in the Empire’s despicable crusade to rule the galaxy, and Kallus would sooner die than let his child be brainwashed and enslaved like so many others had been.
Like I was…
“Alexandr?”
Kallus flinched as Zeb’s voice cut through his reverie and brought him back to the present. He cleared his throat awkwardly at the concerned look on his former enemy’s face and tried to pretend he hadn’t just zoned out. “This is hardly the time for a heart to heart, Zeb. In case you haven’t noticed I’m rather preoccupied right now.”
Zeb inhaled deeply through his nose and slowly exhaled. Go easy on him, remember what Kanan said, he reminded himself. “What’s been going on with you these last few months? Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”
Kallus swallowed thickly, utterly torn. On the one hand, he desperately wanted to tell Zeb everything so he didn’t have to carry the burden of keeping secrets anymore. On the other, he just didn’t think he could cope with the shame and humiliation of anyone knowing that he’d allowed himself, an elite ISB Agent and Rebel spy, to be taken advantage of, despoiled, and impregnated by one of his own comrades. Would Zeb even believe he was telling the truth? Would anyone believe him? After all, Kallus had no way of proving that he wasn’t a willing participant in his child’s conception. Hell, he didn’t even know the identity of his assailant! What was he supposed to do? Frustrated, he let out an irritated huff and resumed his staring contest with the bulkhead.
“Because I didn’t want you to know. Nobody was supposed to know,” he answered bitterly.
Zeb sent him a questioning look. “What’re you talkin’ about, Kallus? Doesn’t the other father know?”
“If he did know, I really don’t think he’d give a damn.” Kallus scoffed.
He’d blurted it out without thinking. Kallus mentally kicked himself and bit his lip as Zeb’s ears pricked up and his eyes widened with astonishment at the unexpected statement. Before Zeb could ask for an explanation, another contraction slammed into Kallus and he snarled with pain.
“Nooooo not againnnn! AAAAAGH!!!”
Zeb grabbed Kallus’s hand without thinking. “Don’t yell, just breathe, remember? In 2…3…4…”
Kallus managed to wrap his hand around Zeb’s massive pointer finger and he squeezed it with all his strength. Zeb cursed and tried to pull himself free, but Kallus’s grip was stronger than he anticipated and the labouring man wouldn’t release him.
“DAOOOOW! Kriff it Kallus! Leggo!”
“Ohhhhhh GODS make it stooooop!” Kallus yelled.
Remembering that Kallus’s pain was far worse than he was experiencing, Zeb reined in his temper and used his free hand to brush Kallus’s messy hair back off his face. “Just keep breathing, it’ll stop soon. C’mon, you can do this. In 2…3…4 and out 2…3…4…”
The Lasat’s touch was comforting, and Kallus once again focused on Zeb’s voice, letting it anchor him as he breathed through the pain. He felt the tension drain from the muscles in his shoulders and upper back even before the contraction started fading. When it was over, Kallus let out a huge sigh of relief and lay back, and he mourned the loss of Zeb’s hand on his forehead as the Lasat drew it away.
“Er… Kallus?”
“Yes?”
Kallus looked over to see what Zeb wanted, and he felt heat rise in his cheeks as he realised he was still holding the Lasat’s finger in a death-grip. He dropped it like it was a burning hot coal and looked the other way, scratching the back of his neck. Gods he hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt…
“Sorry,” he muttered sheepishly.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Zeb grumbled, wincing at his now sore finger.
They both flinched as the doors to the infirmary opened with a particularly loud hiss, announcing Sabine’s return. Zeb quickly sat back from the bed and tried to act though he and Kallus didn’t just have an awkward moment as she approached them with the towels she’d retrieved from the refresher. Sabine wasn’t fooled, though. The young Mandalorian didn’t miss the flustered expression on Zeb’s face, or Kallus’s flushed cheeks as she passed them to put the towels on the table beside the bed. She saw that Kallus’s eyes were closed as well, so she left him be and spoke to Zeb.
“How’s he doing?” she asked casually, pretending she hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary.
“Uh, he’s fine… just had another contraction. They’re still seven minutes apart.” Zeb answered stiffly.
Sabine nodded. Zeb wasn’t meeting her gaze, but Kanan and Ezra were talking quietly with each other and Kallus didn’t appear to have been upset in any way during her brief absence, so she gave Zeb the benefit of a doubt. “Right, okay. I’m gonna go see if there’s any juice. Kallus could use something with a bit of sugar in it to keep his energy up. I’ll be right back.”
Kallus listened carefully as he heard Sabine cross the room and exchange a few words with Kanan and Ezra, asking them if there was anything they needed from the galley. Once he heard her footsteps leaving the infirmary again, he turned and sent Zeb a quizzical look.
“You’ve been tracking my contractions this whole time?”
Zeb shifted awkwardly. “Well, yeah. I mean, somebody has to,” he pointed out gruffly. “Now I think you’ve got some explaining to do. What’s really been going on? And I want a straight answer this time.”
Kallus turned away again to hide his shame. “That’s none of your business, Garazeb, so I’d appreciate it if you stayed out of it,” he said more testily than he meant.
Zeb blinked, taken aback at the curt reply. He’d never heard Kallus speak like that before. And he couldn’t understand why Kallus was being so defensive. They’d only talked on the comlinks a handful of times in the last few months, but Zeb had been sure they’d established a level of trust that allowed something akin to friendship to form between them. And he’d always made it clear to Kallus that if he ever needed help, he only had to ask. Ezra had even helped them come up with a phrase for Kallus to say if he was ever caught and forced to contact the Rebellion under duress (and it had proven to be a lifesaver when Kallus had tricked Konstantine into thinking he’d gone along with his orders).
Aside from all that, how in Ashla’s name had Kallus kept the pregnancy hidden from his fellow Imperials if he hadn’t wanted anyone to know about it? Surely someone would’ve noticed his body changing as the baby grew? More importantly, who was the other father, and why had Kallus spoken about him with such disdain? Rather than being deterred by Kallus’s terse request, Zeb just became more driven to find out.
“Did he break things off with you?” he asked before he could stop himself.
Kallus turned with a confused expression on his features. “Excuse me?”
“The other father. Did he break up with you?” Zeb clarified. “That’s why you said he wouldn’t care if he knew about the baby, right? He broke it off before you found out you were pregnant. Is that what happened?”
Kallus was caught between bursting into hysterical laughter and wanting to gag. The very idea of having sexual relations with some random Imperial made him want to run to the nearest refresher and scrub himself raw, just like he’d done the moment he woke up in the shuttle after Empire Day. When he’d realised what had happened, he’d felt so filthy he’d bathed at least ten times. He’d almost scalded himself from having the water so hot, like he was trying to remove a stain that no amount of washing and scrubbing could remove. Kallus scoffed and returned his gaze to the bulkhead.
“I already told you, it’s none of your concern. Besides, if you were any further off the mark you’d be on Endor,” he said derisively.
Zeb growled under his breath. “Look Kallus, I just-”
Suddenly Kallus shot forward and curled over his belly, eyes clenched shut. “AH! Oh-oh kriffing hell! OHHHHHH GOOOOOOOOODS!!!”
Completely forgetting what he’d been about to say, Zeb jumped to his feet and grasped Kallus’s hand again as another contraction snuck up on him. Kallus unconsciously grabbed onto the offered hand as though it were a lifeline and squeezed it until Zeb felt the circulation being cut off. Zeb didn’t even blink. After last time he was ready for it and Kallus could squeeze as hard as he wanted. Kallus groaned loudly, but he didn’t shout again, and he used Zeb’s voice to stay focused as the Lasat coached him. When the pain subsided, Kallus lay back and Zeb dabbed his sweaty brow with the damp cloth.
“That… that wasn’t seven minutes. That pain came faster than the last one,” Kallus murmured tiredly.
“Six minutes. Good, you’re making progress,” Zeb told him. “Now talk to me, what happened between you and the other father?”
Kallus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Zeb’s persistence was starting to grate on his nerves. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“Not until you tell me the truth,” Zeb answered obstinately.
Kallus frowned at him in annoyance. “Why the sudden interest in my personal life, anyway? If I didn’t know better I’d say you were jealous.”
For a minute it seemed as though the statement had stunned Zeb into silence. He opened and closed his mouth few times as though he were trying to come up with something snarky to say in response but couldn’t find the words. Kallus’s brows drew together suspiciously.
“Is that it, Zeb? Are you jealous?” he asked with genuine curiosity.
Zeb found his voice and looked away, directing his gaze to a corner. “Don’t be ridiculous. Me? Jealous? Where the kriff did you get that idea?” he snorted indignantly.
Kallus sent him a deadpan look. “The mind boggles,” he answered dryly.
Zeb huffed impatiently and shot him a scowl. “Look, will you just tell me how this happened?”
“Well Garazeb, when two people love each other very, very much…” Kallus started sarcastically.
Zeb’s scowl turned into a full-on glare and he laid his ears back. “Don’t get smart with me, Kallus…”
“Then stop poking your nose in where it’s not wanted and leave me alone!” Kallus shot back.
Kallus really hadn’t meant to shout, but his patience had reached its limit and he’d had enough of Zeb’s prying. He was so angry his hands were shaking, and it was taking every ounce of restraint to keep himself from punching Zeb in the face out of pure frustration. But Zeb wasn’t the cause of his anger. No, Kallus was angry with himself. Angry that he’d let his guard down on Empire Day and accepted that drink without a second thought. He was angry that he hadn’t covered his tracks well enough and been discovered by Konstantine. He was angry that the walls he’d spent most of his life building up to keep others at a distance were threatening to crumble. He was angry that he was quickly losing the strength and the will to keep those walls standing. Most of all, he was angry that he’d not only come close to getting his unborn child killed, but he’d also come close to being responsible for the death of the one person he’d learned to trust…
Zeb snarled. “Now listen here y-”
“Garazeb Orrelios!”
Zeb froze and cringed as Hera’s angry exclamation cut him off like the crack of a whip. The only time she used his full name was when he’d messed up, and he knew he’d messed up badly when he turned and came face to face with both Hera and Sabine. And going by their expressions, they were very displeased with him.
“What is going on here? We heard shouting,” Hera inquired heatedly.
Zeb shifted from one foot to the other and avoided her gaze as he tried to think of an explanation. “Er…”
Kallus groaned loudly and curled over his belly again. “KRIIIIIIFFFF!!!”
Hera rushed over to Kallus’s bedside and Zeb moved to follow her, but Sabine blocked his way.
“Hey!”
“Uh-uh, not happening Zeb. I told you to stop asking Kallus personal questions, but you did it anyway and now you’ve pissed him off,” Sabine butted in. “You’d better wait out in the common room. Hera and I will stay.”
Hera, who was holding Kallus’s hand while he breathed, spoke up before the Lasat could protest. “I think it’s best that you leave for now. I’ll talk to Kallus when this contraction’s over. If he says he wants you here, I’ll send for you.”
It was only then Zeb noticed that Kanan and Ezra were no longer in the room, and it occurred to him that they’d probably left at some point to give him and Kallus a few minutes to talk things out in private. Zeb ran his hand down his face. Instead of using that time wisely, he’d gone too far and hadn’t done what Kanan had told him to. And all because he was jeal- being protective. Yes, protective. Not jealous. Kallus was just grasping at straws to avoid answering his questions… Zeb laid his ears back and growled lowly. The frustration was too much.
“Fine, I’ll go. But if he decides that he does want me here, tell him not to expect me to come crawling back.”
With that, he turned and left without another word. He didn’t even look back. Sabine was stunned. And confused. She’d never seen Zeb act like this before. Cold, indifferent, uncaring, that wasn’t like him at all! She looked over at Hera and the Twi‘lek just shook her head. It was her way of saying to let it go for now, and Sabine didn’t question it.
Kallus had been so focused on getting through the contraction that he hadn’t heard Zeb getting told off or anything he’d said. All he’d been aware of was Hera coaching and encouraging him. The contraction also had the effect of quelling his anger and letting remorse take its place. He regretted shouting at Zeb, and he knew he owed his former adversary for helping to rescue him and his child from the Empire. As soon as the pain faded, Kallus looked around for Zeb, wanting to apologize for losing his temper, but the Lasat was nowhere in sight.
“Wh-where’s Zeb?”
“It’s alright Kallus, I told him to step out for a while,” Hera eased, gently coaxing him to lie back. “Have there been any changes in your contractions?”
“Wha- oh, yes. They’re six minutes apart now,” Kallus answered distractedly.
“That’s good isn’t it, Hera? It means he’s progressing, right?” Sabine asked.
Hera reached for the medisensor. “We can’t be sure until I check, but hopefully yes. Now just lie still for me Kallus…”
While Kallus waited anxiously for her to run the scan, he worried it was his fault that Hera had asked Zeb to leave. Yes, he’d gotten annoyed with him and flown off the handle in an underestimated fit of rage, but he never wanted Zeb gone. Kallus barely even understood where that rage had come from in first place or why he’d lashed out like that. Usually, he had better control over his emotions, and frankly that outburst terrified him. He blinked back to the present as the medisensor beeped, indicating that it had finished scanning. Hera checked the results, and Kallus’s heart jumped into his throat when her brow creased with concern.
“What is it? Is something wrong?” he croaked, and Sabine stepped over and placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.
Hera exhaled deeply. “You’ve only dilated to five and a half centimetres. I’d hoped you’d be dilated to six by now, but it seems your baby isn’t in a hurry to get here.”
Kallus’s breath hitched. “Is… is it-”
“The baby’s fine. Its vitals are still within the normal range.” Hera assured him. “But we’ll need to monitor both of you closely until we reach Phoenix Home. I explained the situation to Sato and he said the medical team will be waiting when we arrive.”
Kallus sighed and his shoulders slumped with relief. His baby was still safe…
“How long until we get there?” Sabine asked, all business.
“We’re still at least two hours out, two and a half at most.” Hera answered. “Kallus, I think it’d do you good to get up and try walking around in the meantime. It’ll help lessen the pain during contractions.”
“Is walking the only way?” Kallus asked edgily. “Because I don’t know if I feel like moving right now.”
“I know you’re exhausted and that asking you to get up and walk seems unreasonable, but walking will help.” Hera told him gently.
“It worked for Ezra.” Sabine added.
Kallus’s brows shot up in surprise. “It did?”
“Yes, it helped him a lot.” Hera answered truthfully.
Kallus considered this for a moment. The pain was worsening with each contraction, and breathing was only helping him manage it to an extent. At this point, he was willing to try anything if it meant taking some of the pain away, and if getting up and walking was the only way, so be it.
“Alright, I’ll give it a try.”
Hera smiled. “Okay then, let’s get you on your feet. Sabine, you take his right side and I’ll take the left. Kallus, you can lean on us while you get your balance.”
The ex-Imperial hesitated. “Y-you don’t have to do that…”
“Kallus, I spoke to Kanan on my way back from the galley and he told me how you fainted at Ezra’s tower. If you faint again and fall, both you and the baby could get hurt.” Sabine pointed out.
“So it’ll be a lot safer if you let us support you.” Hera added.
Kallus sighed through his nose. He knew they were right, and he’d spent all this time doing everything in his power to keep his child safe, he wasn’t about to stop now. Nodding in agreement, he allowed them to help him swing his legs around over the side of the bed and slowly slid off onto his feet. He panicked for a split second when his knees wobbled, but Sabine and Hera didn’t miss a beat and they each took an arm to hold him steady.
“Take it easy Kallus, we’ve got you.” Sabine assured him.
Kallus closed his eyes and took a deep breath as a wave of dizziness swept over him, refusing to succumb to it. It took a few seconds, but he managed to stave it off and tugged irritably at his collar. His uniform was feeling more constricting by the minute and, even though it was relatively cool on the Ghost, he was sweating heavily and the rough material was sticking to unpleasantly to his skin.
“You should take that uniform off, the fabric’s too thick and it’s overheating you.” Sabine said, noticing his discomfort.
Even though Kallus desperately wanted to, he didn’t want anyone seeing him uncovered. He was too embarrassed by how his body had changed with the pregnancy, and letting others see would just make it all the more humiliating.
“A-actually I’d rather not…” he muttered, ducking his head in shame.
“Kallus, you’re already sweating too much and losing fluids,” Hera told him. “Getting hot and dehydrated will only cause complications, and you’ve got to avoid that at all costs if you can.”
Kallus bit his lip and avoided her gaze. He didn’t want to make things more difficult than they already were, and he had to admit it was getting more and more tempting to just tear the wretched uniform off and burn it so he never had to wear it again. But the idea of anyone seeing his upper body in anything less than his knee-length coat made him want to crawl into a hole and die. He’d been hiding his body since he started to show, and the thought of revealing it was frightening beyond all reason.
Hera didn’t miss the troubled expression on Kallus’s face and knew he was deeply conflicted about something. She also had the feeling that he was holding something back, something that was eating away at him and causing a great deal of torment. She remembered how Kallus had reacted when she asked about sending word to his partner, and she began to wonder if that had anything to do with Kallus’s reluctance to cooperate.
“Sabine, would you go and ask Kanan if he has a shirt to spare? I think that pyjama shirt of his should fit Kallus nicely.”
Sabine knew by the tone of Hera’s voice that she was actually asking for a few minutes to talk with Kallus alone. About what, she couldn’t be certain, but she took the hint and sent a Hera a nod to show she got the message before she spoke.
“Will you be okay without me for a bit?”
“We’ll manage. I’ll use the intercom if anything happens.” Hera told her.
“Alright then.” Sabine agreed.
Kallus swallowed thickly as she left the room. He had a pretty good idea why Hera had sent her out, and he was both grateful and scared out of his wits. Grateful that he and Hera had the infirmary to themselves for a while, scared of what Hera might do while there was no one else around.
“How’re you holding up? Any dizziness?” Hera asked.
Her tone was kind as always and her concern was evident, but Kallus couldn’t let himself relax. “No, I-I’m alright.”
“Good. Let’s get you walking then. Let me know if you need a break, okay? I’ll walk with you.”
Kallus nodded and cautiously stepped away from the bed. Hera held onto his arm and kept pace with him, staying close in case he needed help keeping his balance. Kallus was surprised to find that being up and walking actually felt a lot better than just sitting, and it eased the ache in his lower back and hips.
“Kallus, now that everyone’s gone, I think we should have a talk.” Hera said after they’d made a lap of the room in silence.
The ex-Imperial tensed and stopped walking. He hated being right. “A-about what?” he asked, even though he knew the answer.
Hera stopped beside him, still holding his arm. “The reason you didn’t tell us about your pregnancy. Kallus, you put yourself and your baby in a lot of danger by staying with the Empire in your condition. You should’ve sent word as soon as you knew. We would’ve come to get you out immediately.”
Kallus felt a pang of guilt at Hera’s gentle scolding. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I-I didn’t know what to do. I just… I couldn’t tell anyone. I just couldn’t.”
“Because you were afraid,” Hera stated sympathetically. “But there’s more to it than that. It wasn’t just fear that drove you to take such a risk, was it?”
Kallus wanted to deny it, stars he wanted to deny it so badly, but his head nodded seemingly of its own volition. Those walls he’d worked so hard to build were about to come crashing down, and he could do nothing to prevent it. He’d kept his silence for far too long, and if he didn’t say something soon it was going to drive him insane.
“Tell me, Kallus. Why didn’t you let us help you sooner?” Hera prompted gently.
That was it for Kallus. He released a shuddering breath and the tears he’d been holding back spilled silently down his face. “B-because I… I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone knowing I was ra-… AAAAAAAAGH OHHH KRIFFF!!!”
His knees buckled as a powerful contraction caught him off guard and seared through his abdomen like a lightsaber through durasteel. Quick as lightning Hera put his arm around her shoulders and kept him upright.
“Whoa! Okay Kallus, I’ve got you…”
“Nnnnngh! H-Hera, I need to sit. Please, I need to sit!” Kallus gasped.
“Alright, take it easy. Walk with me and keep breathing.”
Hera took him over to the stool that was still beside the bed and he sat heavily, curling over his belly in pain. Hera noticed the pace of his breathing and knelt in front of him, patting his arm to get his attention.
“Kallus, you’re breathing too fast, slow down.”
The labouring man raised his head and Hera saw the anguish in his eyes. “I… I couldn’t say anything, Hera…” he rasped between breaths. “I couldn’t tell anyone… if they knew I was raped- AAAAAGH!”
Hera’s blood ran cold and her breath caught in her throat. Raped? Kallus was in this situation because he was raped?! But who would…? Then she suddenly remembered how Kallus had reacted to her asking him about contacting his partner, and everything began to make sense. Kallus didn’t want the other father to know the rape had produced a child! And if the other father happened to be an Imperial… Gods no wonder Kallus had been too afraid to ask for help! A pained groan from the labouring man snapped her out of her shocked stupor and she gently grasped his face with both hands, making him look her in the eye.
“Listen to me, you’ve got to slow your breathing or you’re going to pass out again,” she said sternly.
Kallus took hold of her wrists and the tears he’d been trying to hide spilled over. “F-forgive me, Hera… I-I never… I didn’t…”
“I know, Kallus. None of this is your fault. But you need to concentrate on your breathing now, understand?” Hera asked, and Kallus nodded. “Alright then, breathe with me. In 2…3…4 and out 2…3…4. Good, now again…”
It took a couple of moments, but Kallus soon matched his breathing with Hera’s and was able to let the contraction run its course without further distraction. When it was over, he released Hera’s wrists and buried his face in his hands, shaking with suppressed sobs. It was all in the open now. Someone knew his terrible secret and there was no turning back. In some ways it was a relief beyond comprehension. In others it was like reopening an old wound and rubbing salt in it, adding to the pain of his shame and disgrace.
“Kallus?”
When he looked up, Hera was still kneeling in front of him, although she must have gotten up at some point and come back because she was offering him the juice Sabine had brought from the galley earlier. He accepted it gratefully and took a few sips while Hera gently dabbed his face with a damp cloth to help cool him down. The coolness was soothing and Kallus sighed through his nose, feeling some of the tension drain from his shoulders.
“It was very brave of you to tell me that,” Hera told him earnestly. “I can’t even imagine how hard it must’ve been.”
Kallus sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “That’s not even the half of it, Hera. I’ve barely scratched the surface. I want… I have to tell you. If I let it fester anymore I’ll go mad.”
Hera stood and retrieved the other stool, placing it front of Kallus, and sat down. “Okay Kallus-”
“Alex.”
Hera blinked. “Huh?
The former ISB Agent met her gaze. “Call me Alex. It… it’s what my comrades called me when we were cadets at the Academy.”
A smile tugged at the corners of Hera’s lips. She wondered for a moment if anyone else knew of this nickname. Alex sounded so much better than Kallus. She took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, knowing he was going to need all the support he could get.
“Alright, Alex. Tell me everything.”