Chapter Text
‘I’ll wait for you in Sarajevo’, Aleks whispers in my ear. He tightens his grip around me, leaving prints of his fingertips. He won’t cry, we already spend the whole night crying. Today is his last day in the army and starting from tomorrow, I will spend another seven months in the army without my best friend.
‘No, focus on your career! Aleks, we already talked about this!’, I push him away gently when I see his family moving towards us. All the other boys have already said their goodbyes and left for a shower before lunch. Aleks turns around when his dad calls his name. A happy smile covers his face and he approaches his parents with a tight hug. I give them a moment to catch up as a family, when they finally acknowledge me, I extend my hand toward his father and he shakes my hand with a firm, strong grip but his smile is genuine and nice. Aleks mom is sweet and my absolute favourite, especially after she calls me handsome. His brother is a hilarious asshole. He likes to joke around and poke into every right corner to piss Aleks off.
We exchange a few words and he is asked to leave by the commender. He gets his diploma, changes into civilian clothes and is ready to leave as a free man.
He approaches me one more time, ducks his head down and whispers ‘Volim Te’. I instinctively push him away, too scared that someone could’ve heard him. He gives me a mischievous smile and turns towards the exit, not looking back once.
-
Every day was worse than the last. I would count down the days left to serve, torturing myself with the need to see him again.
Aleks went back to Zvezda. It took him some time to get back to his old form but just two months after he left the army, his coach gave him a chance. There were still 10 minutes to play and he showed a good performance on TV. He send me a letter in month three. Aleks was offered a contract and was being paid in a month, what both of my parents make in a year. He was a proper baller. It’s good, Edin thought to himself, it will be easier for him to let go of Edin. Aleks will be over the moon with all the new possibilities his life now offers, he won’t think of Edin and Edin has already given up on him.
-
His parents came to visit in the new year. They had gotten new uniforms for the winter and he posed for a photo in front of his dads bright orange car. The fur hat with the red star in the middle was covering most of his forehead and his ears. His chin, cheeks and nose are red from the cold. Mom says that he has grown, he seems taller than before and while looking at the picture, he can see it too. However, he didn’t gain weight, even though most of the guys did. Edin just hated the bland food.
Edin turned the photo around, wrote the date on it and a simple message and signed it with his name.
21.01.1988
‘Sada sam veći od tebe’
Edin
Aleks would never answer him again and Edin doesn’t know if it’s because of him not wanting anything to do with Edin or if he doesn't bother to answer, since Edin will be out of the army in a couple of months.
-
Sarajevo looks the same. It’s spring and the weather has gotten warmer. The people are spending more time outside now and Edin enjoys the football games in the evenings. He’s been back for more than a week. He felt so tired and drained from the months in the army, he thought that he’s going to sleep for days but as soon as he arrived home and left his suitcase in his room, he went outside strolling through the neighbourhood. Everyone was already back from the army. Some of the lads started working in factories, Tarik has taken over the his parents restaurant and Zoran married a girl from Germany. He complains to Edin about how hard the language is and how the life isn’t the same as in Yugoslavia.
‘Samo Posao! Samo Arbeit, Arbeit. Pun’ mi je kurac svaba, al sta cu brate, Jelena je trudna.’
In the third week back, he went to train for Zeljeznicar but his form wasn't good and the other guys were better than him, so he gave up and looked for a job. Edin started working in a clothing factory. They were specialised in leather and worked with big western brands. Edin wasn’t much into fashion and the only brand that he knew was Levi’s. He didn't even know how to tailor but since he worked in the warehouse none of it was necessary.
The work was easy enough head wise but he would constantly lay awake at night in pain from dragging the big packages from warehouse to the trucks. At least he would get muscles from it.
-
In summer he meets a nice girl. Her name is Amra and she’s from America, a Yugoslav-American. She has brown kind eyes, brown hair and she is tall. When she smiles, the dimples on her cheeks become visible. Amra is fluent in Yugoslavian, despite only coming to visit every four years. She likes the bands from Sarajevo and he smiles when she starts singing a song by Crvena Jabuka.
By some to him unknown reason, she falls for him and he kisses her while they stand on the top of one of the skyscrapers in Sarajevo. Edin likes her. She smells nice and he loves her laugh. Her skin is soft and warm while he touches her underneath her white summer dress. She’s wet and tight when he inserts a finger into her. It feels different than when he does it with Aleks. She moans softly into his ear when he kisses her neck and he whispers sweet nothings into her hair while she squirms her legs shut when she comes. They sleep together in a field surrounded by flowers in all the different colours that the nature has to offer. He kisses her softly on the forehead when she moans his name and scratches down his back. Edin memorises every bit of her skin, touches and cradles her everywhere, too afraid to forget what she feels and smells like, before she leaves him and flies back to LA.
‘I’ll try to come back next year. I just started with college and I don’t make as much from my job at the grocery store but I really want to see you as soon as I can.’
He drives her to the airport kisses her temple and listens as she whispers ‘Volim te’, in his ear.
-
When she’s gone, his thoughts run back to Aleks. Edin misses him. He yearns for him. And it doesn’t get better when winter comes and his shifts seem longer with the early nightfall. He doesn’t seem to have more than his thoughts. Edin was left by Amra and Aleks. Both of them had promising lives in front of them. Both of them had a purpose and he was just a warehouse worker, working odd hours and barely leaving his apartment.
Edin hasn’t touched a football in what seems like months. He picked up the bad habit of smoking, to at least have something to waste his money on. Amra has send him a letter, writing about how much she misses him, about her new roommate, college classes and the new perfume she bought. She sprayed some of it on the letter and he was delighted to be able to smell the faint scent of flowers, even though the letter had took a month to arrive to him.
-
Aleks hadn't played in a game for long. According to Zvezda, he is away with an injury.
-
People around him started talking. The atmosphere in the country has started to become tense and uncomfortable. Certain people started to push their ideology in class rooms, rotting the brains of young people with hate and fascism. People in villages were asked to donate their weapons to the Yugoslavian army and the monthly fee for the military has increased. The tension in the country started to be visible to the outside and Amra has written him a letter, explaining that her parents don’t want her to come to visit as long as the situation hasn’t cooled down. Edin sniffs on the paper and it smells like strawberries and caramel.
-
It's late 1989, in winter. The sun was down for hours by now and Edin has the day off. He blows on the soup and slowly leads the spoon to his mouth, careful not to spill anything, when the doorbell rings.
Edin almost doesn’t recognise him under the hood but the shy smile is too familiar to forget.
‘Hey Edo’, he says lightly. They look at each other, both too surprised to react.
‘Can I come in?’, Edin shakes out of his daze and nods, closing the door when Aleks comes in.
Edin hesitates but his heart takes over and he hugs Aleks, pressing the palm of his hand on the back of Aleks head to draw him closer. He still smells the same. The same perfume mixed with the faint smell of sweat. Aleks is smaller than him now, he has grown so much over the last year. Edin’s new work at the factory has its perks, the muscles look good on him.
‘I missed you.’, Edin whispers, as lightly as he can, hoping that Aleks would overhear it but the other mumbles a ‘I missed you, too’ back.
Aleks noses at his ear, the sensitive skin under it, over his cheek and closes his exploring by connecting their mouths. And Edin lets him, for a second or two, enough to remember it later, before he draws back and leaves Aleks arms that were tightened around his waist.
‘I have a girlfriend, I can’t, we can’t continue this.’, he stumbles over his own words.
‘Of course you have!’, Aleks laughs mockingly.
They stand in the dim lit room. The air smells like tomato soup and firewood. Aleks is silent and Edin is angry. He went for more than a year without even contacting Edin. He promised him and Edin had waited even though deep down he knew that Aleks wouldn’t come for him. They loved each other but love isn’t enough when so much is on stake.
‘Yeah. After months of waiting I figured that I was pitiful enough to move on from whatever this is.’
‘What’s her name?’, Edin hesitates, not sure what the information would do for Aleks.
‘Amra’, Aleks smiles.
‘Amra’, he repeats after Edin. ‘Do you love her?’, he asks and Edin nods.
Aleks smiles, his eyes glassy and his fingertips playing with the hem of his shirt.
‘Are you hungry?’, Edin asks to break the silence, unable to see Aleks like this but unsure what he is supposed to do about it.
They eat the soup in silence. Aleks washes the dishes for him and sits back down on the dining table, grabbing for Edin’s hand to hold in both of his.
‘I stayed away on purpose.’ He traces his thumps around Edin’s palm. ‘I didn’t want to cause any trouble for you. The tension in the country is starting to be unbearable and I guess we were too caught in each other to see it. I got an offer to play in Italy. The contract with Zvezda is not over and they don’t want to trade me.’ He breathes in a sharp breath.
‘You need to leave Edine. Take your family and leave!’, Edin furrows his brows, unsure of what Aleks wants of him.
‘My cousin works for the military. There are rumours that Slovenia and Croatia are asking for its independence.’ Edin draws his hand back. He tries to read Aleks face and waits for the other man to tell him that everything is just a bad joke.
‘Yugoslavia is coming to an end. They are collecting the weapons for the Yugoslavian army to use it against their own people, Edin!’
‘They wouldn’t.’, he says, unsure about it himself.
‘All these years we’ve learned to always treasure what we have, to stick together as brothers and to protect our unity.’
Aleks laughs sarcastically.
‘Tito is dead and he took his ideology to the grave.’
Aleks takes in a deep breath.
‘I can take you with me. We can flee to Italy, I am forcing them to trade me.’ He takes in Edin’s sceptical look.
‘I know everything sounds crazy and all but Edine, you have to believe me!’
‘Even if it's true, I can’t leave. What about my family? I just got this new job and started to live on my own. I can’t simply run off and leave everything behind.’
The news are getting to him. He puts his hands down on the table, palms pressing to the wood to prevent them from shaking.
‘I need to wake up early for work. I’ll go and look for a pillow and a blanket. The couch should be big enough for you.’
-
Edin lays awake for hours. The anxiety of an unsafe future and thoughts about his family keep him awake. He hears the clock from the living room and the loud refrigerator. The silence allows him to hear Aleks shuffling and his footsteps before the door to his room creaks.
‘Are you asleep?’, Aleks whispers.
Edin doesn’t answer. Aleks sees it as an invitation to join him on the other side of the bed. They listen to each others breathing and Aleks grabs his hand when his breathing quickens and he starts to sob.
‘I’m sorry’, Aleks whispers as he draws in closer, hiding his face in Edin’s neck while throwing a protective arm arounds his middle.
-
October 1993
He never regretted that he didn't flee but he should've forced Aleks to leave on his own. Edin prays every day that Aleks is safe and alive. He prays every day for another chance to see him again.