Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The biting scent of disinfectant almost knocked Hongjoong off his feet. 

For anyone else, the citrus air fresheners that were lined along the walls would have been able to cover up the smell well enough for it not to be noticable at all. But for Hongjoong they made it only more apparent in their insufficient attempt at hiding it. 

People said that smell was the sense that was associated the closest with memories - at least that’s how his therapist had explained it to him once. Something with the hippocampus if he remembered correctly. He hadn‘t really listened back then. He had been too out of it to listen, as always. 

But now the truth of it couldn‘t be more apparent in the way the disinfectant seemed to almost transport him back to a hospital bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, nothing but the biting scent to keep him tethered to the reality that he had long given up on.

If he were to concentrate, he could even feel the ghost of a sharp pain, piercing his wrist.

There was something else mixed into the air though - something coppery, almost heavy, even though Hongjoong rationally knew it should not be possible to smell the blood flowing through thin tubes and tucked away in plastic bags.

Maybe it was his nerves.

Hongjoong longingly looked over his shoulder back to the waiting room where he had been told to sit and fill out the consent forms the woman at the register had given him and that he was now clutching to his chest as if they were a shield. 

Maybe he should return them and just leave.

„Kim Hongjoong?“

A deep, calm voice made him snap his head back towards the large room with the disinfectant-citrus-copper-smell. 

In front of him stood a young man with blonde hair and a beautiful albeit stoic face. He was dressed in light blue scrubs that no one should be looking as good in as he was. The man seemed to be around his age, maybe younger, with an aura around him that was slightly intimidating.

Hongjoong swallowed and nodded. „That‘s me.“

„Perfect. You are here to donate blood?“

For a second he hesitated, clutching the consent forms closer to his chest, but then nodded. 

That‘s what he had decided on. He had to do this.

Give back.

Right there, on the to-do list he had scribbled on a piece of paper the nurses had given to him back then with the task to write out what he would do with his life afterwards.

The big afterwards. The place people like him never reached. 

Give back.

This one was still there. One of the last.

„Yes, I am“, he said more firmly than he felt. 

The man sent him a smile and the bright lights on the ceiling reflected on his fangs that were a bit too pointy at the ends. The sight almost made Hongjoong take a step back, but he caught himself before doing so. He really shouldn’t have been surprised, given where he was. 

No normal blood bank would have allowed him to donate, not with his record, but those run by vampires only put a three year limitation on people like him, which had long passed. 

Still, he couldn‘t remember the last time he had actually seen one of them up close. They rarely associated with humans these days and if they did they made sure to not make their presence too known.

„That is great, thank you so much for your decision to do this! My name is Yeosang, I will be here for you today to guide you through everything. We will make this as comfortable as possible for you since you are doing this for the first time.“

The words were routinized and Yeosang probably said them way too often every day, but they still managed to somehow sound sincere.

Hongjoong was aware of the fact that he probably looked like a scared child with the way he was still standing in the doorway of the waiting room.

At least Yeosang‘s smile did not show off his fangs this time.

„You can hand me these and just follow me if you‘re ready“, he said in a calming tone.

It took Hongjoong a moment too long to realize he was referring to the papers clutched to his chest and when he awkwardly handed them over, he saw they were all bent at the edges from his death grip.

As soon as his hands were empty he instinctively pulled down the sleeves of his shirt to cover his arms, even though he knew he would have to expose them any minute. The movement was ingrained too much for him to not do it.

They passed a few beds that were lined along the sides of the room that looked quite comfortable, all equipped with a small table on the side that stored the medical equipment. Some had privacy screens around them from behind which the faint sound of TVs could be heard. 

They weren‘t loud enough to disturb anyone, barely seeping through the screens, but in Hongjoong‘s ears the sounds were amplified tenfold, mixing together and creating a ringing in his head as he followed Yeosang with stiff legs. 

Just like the disinfectant that smelled much more potent to him than it actually should have. 

Maybe he was just sensitive today.

By the time they made it to the bed at the far end, Hongjoong was shaking from the sensations making his head spin.

Yeosang furrowed his brows as he moved for him to lay down. The bed was as comfortable as it had looked but it was only a drop of relief evaporating instantly in the heat that was Hongjoong‘s nerves.

„Are you sure you want to do this? You look a bit nervous.“

He swallowed, his throat dry as the desert. 

Was the smell of disinfectant getting stronger? 

„No I’m okay. Really.“

Yeosang looked unsure, but nodded, sitting down on the spinning chair next to his bed. 

„I will get everything ready for you then. You can roll up your sleeve.“ 

Hongjoong‘s fingers were stiff as they moved to uncover his arm, a bit uncoordinated as he tried not to look at it. He avoided doing so as much as possible.

„Okay, I will disinfect your arm now. It might be a bit cold - oh.“

Yeosang‘s hand was hovering over Hongjoong‘s ditch, a surprised look on his face. „You’ve donated a lot before then? Were you a regular at another bank?“

Hongjoong came prepared for this question. He knew it was unavoidable. Anyone would wonder about the scars on his arm from where he had pushed a needle into it more times than he could count.

Most people did, so he tended to cover them up. 

„I - uhm.“ His voice came out scratchy so he cleared his throat. „Yeah. A while ago. I moved since then. It wasn‘t the best place.“

His lies came out in short and jagged sentences. He wasn‘t even sure if he said them loud enough for Yeosang to hear, the ringing in his head too overbearing, the TVs turning into a storm in his ears, the disinfectant fogging up his mind.

„I can tell. Some of these have scarred over quite a bit.“ 

There was concern tangible in his voice as he went over the bad ones with the wipe. Hongjoong suppressed a flinch as best as possible. 

„I am glad you moved on from them.“

He knew which scars Yeosang was referring to, even without looking. He could draw them up in his sleep if he had to. Most of them had faded since then, but some were still as apparent as the day he got them. 

They were the ones where he‘d been sloppy, the ones towards the end, where he hadn‘t cared anymore. Not enough to use a fresh needle every time. Not enough to clean them properly. Not enough to insert them in a way that wouldn‘t hurt like hell. 

Everything hurt like hell anyways.

A time when he hadn‘t cared about wounds that he wouldn’t last long enough for them to turn into scars at all. 

„I am glad, too”, he whispered, unsure if Yeosang even heard him.

He fastened a band around his upper arm and pulled it tight.

„I will get the needle ready now.“

The needle. 

Had it always been this cold in here? Hongjoong couldn‘t help but shudder. The noise of the TVs grew louder and louder and the citrus air fresheners did nothing to cover up the smell of disinfectant. 

A hospital bed. Drifting in and out of consciousness. A sharp pain on his wrist. The copper in the air more heavy now.

Yeosang‘s mouth moved, but Hongjoong didn‘t hear anything through the fog in his brain and the ringing of his ears.

„I’m sorry, what did you say?“

„I said you look pale. Is everything alright?“

Hongjoong didn’t answer, his eyes focused on the needle in Yesoang‘s hands. It was different from the ones he had used. Bigger, attached to a tube that led to a bag. But a needle nevertheless.

It was so cold in here.

Yeosang said something into a walkie talkie attached to the collar of his scrubs, but Hongjoong couldn’t hear him, not through the sound of the TVs and the smell of disinfectant and the cold, the freezing cold that made him shudder all over. 

Did no one notice how cold it was in here?

For a second the sounds and the smell and the cold became overbearing, so much that Hongjoong‘s mind was close to shutting off, to withdrawing to the comfort that the unconscious would give him.

And then a hand came down on his shoulder, just a barely there touch. And it was as if it drained all the panic from his body.

Tuned the sound of the TVs down to a barely noticeable background noise. Cleaned the air from the stinging of disinfectant to only smell like citrus - no trace of the copper. Spread a comforting warmth from his shoulder through the rest of his body that took away the shivers that had wrecked him.

When he focused his eyes again, Yeosang wasn‘t there anymore and in his place sat someone else, drawing up a privacy screen behind him.

„There, that is better, isn‘t it?“

Hongjoong could only stare in shock for a moment, not knowing how to respond, or how to even blink really.

Because the man in front of him was the most gorgeous person he had ever seen.

Hongjoong did not have to be an expert on vampires to know that the man with the deep, calm voice sitting in the chair next to his bed was one. It did not take a flash of fangs - his presence was enough.

People always said it was easy to spot a vampire since they were much more beautiful than the average human and while Hongjoong had definitely seen that in Yeosang, it became indisputable with the man sitting in front of him.

His skin was pale, but not in an unhealthy way, like Hongjoong‘s skin had been towards the end when he had been more dead than alive - more like expensive porcelain, shining in the light of the room, or maybe even glowing from within. 

Pitch black hair was meticulously slicked out of his face, revealing sharp, almost hawk-like features, with a jawline that looked like it could draw blood were he to reach out and touch it.

They were softened though by the deep brown eyes that sat in their center that expressed nothing but concern under his furrowed eyebrows. 

The only flaw that could be found on that perfect face were the deep, almost purple shadows under his eyes, as if he had had a rough nights sleep, even though Hongjoong knew vampires didn’t actually require any.

„I- uhm“, Hongjoong tried to say, noting how he had just stared at the man for longer that sociably acceptable.

„Take your time“, he said. „You seemed overwhelmed there.“

„Sorry I - don‘t know what happened. I - Sorry.“

„Do not feel like you have to apologize for anything.“

He took his hand off Hongjoong’s shoulder and it left a tingling sensation there, almost a longing for the touch to return. The hand was soon placed on his inner wrist though, a finger gently pressing into the flesh there, probably to measure his pulse.

„Thank you“, he checked the name tag on his white lab coat, „Dr. Park.“

He shot him a smile, keeping his lips closed while doing so.

„Seonghwa is enough. I don’t know why they put it like this on my tag, I always tell them I am not fond of unnecessary formalities.“

That made Hongjoong smile weakly. There seemed to be a story there.

„Thank you then, Seonghwa.“

The name was unfamiliar on his tongue. He didn‘t know anyone with that name, at least no one his age. And while he did look to be around Hongjoong’s age, with the aura Seonghwa was emitting, it wouldn‘t surprise him were he to be one of the old ones. 

People said vampires became more beautiful with age - and he would definitely fit the picture.

“May I ask your name as well?”, the doctor said lowly.

„I‘m Hongjoong”, he said. “Kim Hongjoong.“

Seonghwa sent him a smile that reached his eyes but again did not show off his fangs - Hongjoong wondered if he did it intentionally not to alienate or scare him. 

He looked at his watch and released Hongjoong‘s wrist that fell limp in his lap.

„It is a pleasure to meet you, Hongjoong. Your pulse is back to normal, you are only a bit pale still but physically nothing to worry about too much.“

Hongjoong bit his lip to suppress the comment that Seonghwa was the right one to talk about being pale, not knowing if he would appreciate the humor. Maybe it was a good sign he was thinking of jokes again at least.

„You should stay seated for ten more minutes and then you‘re free to go.“

Hongjoong froze for a second.

„Wait - no!“, he protested, making Seonghwa turn back to him from where he had started to pack up the things on the bedside table. He raised an eyebrow.

„I mean - I still want to do it.“

His hands lingered on the equipment. „Are you sure? I feel it is better for you to rest for today.“

Hongjoong violently shook his head. He needed to do this. If he left now, he knew he would never come back and the one thing on his to-do list would forever remain there, never to be crossed out. 

Give back.

He had debts and he had never been one to not repay them.

„Please. You said it yourself, I am physically fine.“

The unspoken truth that mentally he was not fine and Seonghwa was probably right in sending him home lingered in the air, with no one speaking it out.

Seonghwa mustered him for a moment. Hongjoong did not know what he saw in his face - was it dedication? Fear? Certainty? Whatever it was, it made him nod slowly and turn back his chair to face Hongjoong.

„Okay. But we will not take much today and you have to promise to tell me whenever you feel any type of discomfort. Are you okay with this?“

Hongjoong nodded.

„I need to hear it from you verbally please.“

The sudden assertion in his voice, albeit gentle, made Hongjoong freeze. He hoped to God he was not blushing. Seonghwa surely would be able to tell in an instant if he was. 

„Yes, I am okay with that.“

As Seonghwa prepared the station, an aura of calmness emitted from him even after his touch was long gone, filling the air and even covering the before so disruptive scent of disinfectant.

When Seonghwa saw the scars on his arm, concern flashed on his face for a second. He looked up to Hongjoong’s face as if he was searching in it for an answer. Searching for something.

But the expression went as quickly as it came and maybe Hongjoong had just imagined it. Seonghwa did not ask about the scars like Yeosang had, which Hongjoong was very grateful for.

He flinched slightly as he inserted the needle, but Seonghwa shushed and asked him if he was alright in the most calming tone Hongjoong had ever heard, almost as if he were to comfort a child that had scraped his knee, and Hongjoong physically relaxed.

It was… strange.

He had expected the sensation of the needle to send him into a spiral, just like he had been going towards before with Yeosang. 

But Seonghwa’s presence filled out the small crammed space behind the privacy screen and doused him in inexplainable comfort.

They sat in silence for a moment. Hongjoong expected him to get up and leave as soon as he was done setting him up, but he seemed to not be planning on doing so, simply leaning back in his seat and watching the blood flow through the tube and into the bag.

Hongjoong wondered if it took any self control for him to be able to do that.

“You are still feeling well?”

Seonghwa’s voice broke the comfortable silence they had been in for a while.

Hongjoong simply nodded, weirdly self-conscious in the presence of the beautiful man - or rather vampire.

“I am glad then. Though my conscience tells me I really should have sent you home.”

Hongjoong blinked slowly. 

“Why didn’t you then?”

He hesitated for a moment.

“This seemed very important to you.”

“It… was.”

Was he able to read his mind after all? He knew the rumors about vampires having special powers like that were just that - rumors.

“I just - I owe this to someone.”

Seonghwa’s face fell at that and Hongjoong was afraid he had said something wrong.

He leaned forward, closer to Hongjoong, a serious expression on his face.

“Hongjoong, I am sorry if any of my kind have made you feel like you owe us blood, just because there is a shortage at the moment. If anyone pressured you into doing this, please let me know who it was and I will have a word with them.”

Hongjoong’s eyes widened and he raised his hands to wave it off, but was stopped by the tube stuck in his arm.

“No!”, he scrambled to say. “No, it’s not like that at all. I swear, no one pressured me. This was my own choice.”

Seonghwa’s look remained stern.

“Are you sure?”

How could he put his reasonings into words for him to understand? The reason he was here, the reason he couldn’t leave before he did this? 

“I owe this to myself really”, was all he was able to say.

Seonghwa seemed to contemplate it, but he nodded.

“Thank you that you are doing this then. Whatever the reason may be.”

Hongjoong didn’t know what to answer, struck by the genuine appreciation that was seeping through Seonghwa’s words. It told him once again that this was the right thing to do. Especially if there was an apparent shortage he didn’t even know about but wasn’t really surprised by. People rarely had enough concern for vampires to donate blood to them as far as he knew.

“So uhm… do you do this a lot?”, he changed the topic. “Taking the blood? Being a doctor and all? Isn’t this usually the nurses’ job?”

It earned him a low chuckle that he would pay actual money to hear again.

“The whole doctor thing is really more of an inside joke between my staff and me - especially Yeosang. He likes to annoy me with it.”

“So, you are not actually a doctor?”

Seonghwa got up from his chair to inspect the blood bag.

God, he was tall as well.

Good looking, immortal, kind, tall.

Hongjoong was doomed.

“Technically I am. But not a medical one. I just have a lot of medical experience, hence my position. I work mostly as a coordinator and supervisor here. Yeosang still puts the Dr. back on my name tag every time I try and get rid of it.”

The question was burning on Hongjoong’s tongue what kind of doctor Seonghwa was if not a medical one, but he did not get the chance to ask, as he apparently deemed the bag full enough, sitting back down and removing the needle from his arm.

“You are all done”, Seonghwa said. “How do you feel?”

Hongjoong could only look at the spot in his ditch that now had a new puncture added to it that thankfully was soon covered by a white piece of tissue that Seonghwa pressed over it.

His fingers were long and dainty and as gorgeous as the rest of him and they left tingles wherever they brushed Hongjoong’s skin.

“I feel great.”

And it wasn’t a lie. He felt elated. Like he was floating, and he knew it was not only from the blood loss.

When Seonghwa deemed him stable enough to leave, he personally walked him to the door. Hongjoong couldn’t help but think he must have looked very rough if the doctor still felt the need to accompany him.

They passed a busy-looking Yeosang who wished him a safe way home and shot him a fanged smile again - and this time, Hongjoong didn’t flinch upon seeing it.

At the door, Seonghwa thanked him again for his donation - and for a moment, there was this look again on his face. 

That look of confusion, almost of recognition. He was sure he hadn’t imagined it this time. But before he could ask about it, Seonghwa gave him a court nod and a last goodbye, before quickly turning his back to him, his lab coat floating behind him as he walked back into the clinic.

✦

When Hongjoong opened the door to his apartment, he wasn’t even surprised to see the lights already on.

“Welcome back!”, a screeching voice greeted him even before he was able to fully step inside and close the door behind him.

Hongjoong sighed.

“Wooyoung, what are you doing in my apartment again?”

He was standing behind Hongjoong’s kitchen island, dressed in black leather pants and a shirt with a deep neckline, pouring something in a glass in front of him. Hongjoong was pretty sure he even had makeup on.

“Hey, you gave San your spare key!”, he shrugged and pointed at said boy who was currently crouched on the sofa on the other side of the room, face hidden behind a book and apparently too deep in his own world to even notice Hongjoong’s arrival. Which was not unusual. 

He didn’t have it in him to disturb his peace for now.

Hongjoong set his groceries that he had grabbed on the way home down on the counter.

“Yes. For emergencies.”

“This was an emergency! San was not feeling well because he was in pain, so I let him dye my hair purple to cheer him up.”

And really, Wooyoung’s hair was a bright lilac, different to the black he had last seen it.

Hongjoong would have rather jumped out of the window than actually admit it suited him very well.

“Why couldn’t you do that in your own apartment? Which was literally across the hallway last time I checked?”

“Well, we didn’t wanna stain our bathroom sink purple”, he shrugged, like it was obvious.

Hongjoong let the milk he was in the middle of putting away fall back on the counter and dashed in the direction of the bathroom.

“Did you seriously stain my sink purple?”

Wooyoung laughed. “Relax. I’ll clean it for you tomorrow.”

He stopped in his tracks and turned back to him.

“Now.”

“Chill, I’m headed out in like a minute. I’ll do it tomorrow, I promise.”

Hongjoong went back to the counter and continued putting away the groceries.

“Where are you going anyways, dressed like that?”, he said, eying his… daring outfit.

Wooyoung rolled his eyes. “Prude. I’m headed to the club.”

“It’s literally 3pm. On a Wednesday.”

“So?”

“Is it that vampire club again you always go to these days?”

Wooyoung knew Hongjoong was skeptical about that habit he had picked up recently, so he didn’t even try and suppress the judging tone in his voice. Not that Hongjoong cared for him or was worried - that was ridiculous. No definitely not. 

“Nah, but I’ll go back to that one next weekend if you wanna join for once”, he said jokingly. 

Hongjoong didn’t know what went down at these infamous clubs and he was not keen on finding out. As much as Wooyoung begged him, saying he never went out to have fun.

Which was a lie. He had lots of fun. 

Totally.

“The one today is that super exclusive one that is open 24/7”, Wooyoung continued. “And right about now is probably the only time you don’t have to queue for like three hours, so I’m trying my luck. And you always say I don’t plan things with any foresight.” 

At that he smugly took the glass he had just filled and downed it. 

That’s when Hongjoong spotted the bottle of Vodka on the counter.

“Wooyoung”, he hissed. “Are you seriously drinking around him?”

He nodded in San’s direction who was still peacefully hiding behind his book.

“Hyung, chill-”

“No, we’ve been over this”, he whispered. “That’s just pushing him unnecessarily. He is-”

“Oh, don’t come at me with the whole ‘he’s fragile’ thing again”, Wooyoung responded in the same hushed tone. “He has moved on just like you. He is making good decisions. Don’t you have any trust in him?”

Hongjoong opened his mouth in protest and closed it again, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Of course I do. I-”

“Then stop babying him and shielding him from everything. You can’t always protect him.”

Hongjoong frowned and looked over at San, who looked tiny as he was curled in on himself on the sofa.

“I can at least try”, he mumbled, more to himself than to Wooyoung, whose face visibly softened. He walked around the counter and put a hand on Hongjoong’s shoulder.

“You know I’m taking care of him.”

Hongjoong avoided his gaze. “Yeah”, he admitted.

Wooyoung nodded and gave him a bright smile.

“Sannie!”, he said louder in a sing-sang tone and walked over to San, who looked up from his book, seemingly slightly disorientated.

“I’ll get going now. But I’ll be back before you go to bed, alright?”

“Promise?”, he asked in a soft tone.

“Promise.”

He gave him a kiss on the forehead that made a smile erupt on San’s face as he told him to have fun. 

Truthfully, Hongjoong had hated Woooyung when San had first brought him along - wary of his love for partying, his reckless behaviors, his drinking habits, his blatant disrespect for Hongjoong’s self-claimed authority over him. 

San had met him when he had gone back to high school after rehab, both of them the oldest in their class by a couple of years, both trying to get their degree and catch up with their peers, bonding over the alienation and the childhood years lost to being on the wrong path for too long.

Hongjoong had been scared Wooyoung would drag San down with him. He didn’t need a troublemaker in his life.

But the years had passed and all his worries had still not been proven right.

He would almost say Wooyoung was good for San. He gave him what Hongjoong could not, as hard as it was to admit.

San, who always needed people around him to feel secure, whose insomnia prevented him from falling asleep on his own, and when he did, he would have terrible nightmares.

Hongjoong on the other hand, whose paranoia made it impossible for him to get a good night's sleep when someone else was in the room. Who desperately needed to be able to withdraw from everyone for his anxiety to calm down.

It was only natural for San and Wooyoung to move into an apartment of their own, giving Hongjoong the space he needed, and them a place to be together.

Whatever together really meant. They never put a label on whatever it was they had.

But when he looked at them like this, it was clear they were happy with whatever it was.

And most importantly to Hongjoong, Wooyoung always kept his promises. Was always there to help San fall asleep.

After he left, Hongjoong walked up to San, who was still reading his battered version of Gone with the Wind - Hongjoong had lost count of how many times he had seen him read that book. In his other hand, he had an ice pack pressed against his swollen cheek.

“Hey, Sannie”, he announced his presence not to startle him and ruffled his hair.

San looked up and closed his book, putting it aside.

“Oh, hyung, you’re back!” San’s smile made his dimple pop out on the side that was not covered by the ice pack. “Sorry, I was a bit… in my head today.”

Hongjoong just smiled at him encouragingly. San had these days a lot. Sometimes he spaced out for hours. The doctors said it maybe was his brain’s way of dealing with everything that had happened. But he seemed peaceful in these moments, so Hongjoong tried not to rip him of his state.

He sat down next to him on the sofa.

“How was it?”, San asked. “Did you… did you do it?”, he asked tentatively. 

Hongjoong nodded and shot him a smile. “Yeah. I finally did.”

San’s dimple deepened even more at that. “I am so proud of you. You can finally cross it off your list. How did it go?”

He decided to leave out the almost-panic attack not to worry San unnecessarily. 

“It went great. The doctor was very… nice. Everyone was really.” Hongjoong hoped he wasn’t blushing, thinking back to the charming man who had taken his blood.

“You shouldn’t be so surprised. Woooyung always says they are nicer than we think. Maybe you should really join him when he goes to the club next time.”

San shifted the ice pack a bit and flinched at the movement.

Hongjoong immediately shot up.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt a lot?”

He frowned. “I’m okay. It’s getting better. Wooyoung took care of me and cooked me some soft food. I just wish I could take pain medication for it.”

The words were like a small dagger in Hongjoong’s chest. He knew it wasn’t too bad - San had just gotten a wisdom tooth removed a couple of days before, nothing severe. But with his history he had been strongly advised to stay away from anything that had any addictive properties at all costs. And that unfortunately included pain medication.

Hongjoong lived by the same principles, keeping himself responsible as much as possible, even if it was just to set a good example for San.

So even though he knew it was for the best, it still hurt to see San in pain.

“I know. It sucks. I wish I could do this for you.”

“You don’t always have to do everything for me.”

“I know”, he sighed.

San looked up at him.

“Oh hyung, by the way, there was a call for you on the house phone earlier. Wooyoung answered it so I don’t know who it was, but maybe you wanna call back.”

Hongjoong frowned, trying to remember who he had given that number to.

When he pressed the button to call back, it only rang once before a female voice greeted him, saying the name of the blood bank Hongjoong had been at earlier.

“Kim. Kim Hongjoong speaking”, he said. “Uhm, there was apparently a missed call for me? Is everything okay? Did I forget to sign anything?"

“Oh no, Mr. Kim, everything is alright! Dr. Park just personally wanted to make sure you had arrived home safely.”

Hongjoong was dumbfounded for a second.

Dr. Park? Seonghwa had called to make sure he was okay? Hongjoong must have looked really rough leaving the clinic for the doctor to be concerned enough to have the receptionist check in on him. Or maybe he did that for everyone.

“Mr. Kim?”, she asked after a moment.

“Oh, sorry!”, he scrambled to say. “Yes. I made it home safe.”

“That is good to hear. Dr. Park sends his greetings.”

Hongjoong stared at the phone in his hand long after he had hung up.

When he went to bed that night, he couldn’t help but wonder who his blood would go to.

Silently he hoped it would be Seonghwa.

Chapter Text

„An overdose?“

„You heard me correctly.“

The doctor‘s face was stern as he looked down to where Hongjoong was laying in the hospital bed, his skin where his arm lay atop the blanket almost the same color as the bleach-white sheets. Countless tubes and wires connected him to various machines and a monitor that filled the silence with a steady beeping.

Hongjoong had almost sighed when he had first woken up.

It was not the first time he found himself in a situation like this. As he tried to focus his eyes enough to see his face properly through the dizziness in his mind, he was even pretty sure he had been under the care of this specific doctor before.

It was the first time though he had been told that one word they all feared, even if they didn‘t admit it.

Overdose .

„Do you remember anything that happened?“

He tried to think back, but it sent a stinging into his temples.

Last thing he knew he had been at his friend‘s trailer, melting some powder over a flimsy lighter. He remembered complaining that the flame wasn‘t stable enough in the wind that blew through the broken windows, barely taped shut.

Dude, shut up. This is really good stuff, you‘re gonna thank me for securing that batch for us.

„No, not after-“, he let the sentence hang in the air, unfinished.

The doctor raised his clipboard and adjusted his glasses, shooting Hongjoong a disparaging look.

„The substance you consumed was not clean and you also injected far too much of it at once. We had to get our… special staff in to clean your blood of the toxins.“

Hongjoong blinked, confused.

But then he looked down at his wrist, and it all came back to him.

So many voices, talking over each other, saying things he couldn‘t make out. The beeping of the monitor, much weaker than it was now. All of it, exhausting, painful. The unconsciousness he was close to drifting back into was so tempting, like a paradise - not as good as the one a high could give him, but good enough. 

He would take any paradise at this point.

The smell of disinfectant burning in his nose the only thing that kept him conscious.

But then, a sharp pain on his wrist, mixing in with the agony that reality was, becoming one -  before slowly draining it away, leaving nothing but bliss as Hongjoong drifted into sleep. 

Bite shaped puncture wounds now decorated his wrist, proof that his imagination, his drug induced brain, had not made it up. 

A set of fangs, clearly visible on his otherwise almost translucent skin, only covered in a thin layer of lotion.

„I - I was actually gone, wasn‘t I?“

His voice came out hoarse and frail.

The doctor nodded.

„Mr. Kim, I do not say this lightly, but this is your last chance. Someone saved your life yesterday. Next time you will not be as lucky.“

„What do you mean by that?“

He knew the answer. He had known it for years.

„We have a spot at a rehab center for you. Whether you take it or not is your own choice. But Mr. Kim.“

His eyes met Hongjoong’s. 

„If you go out there and continue as you have been doing, this will be the end.“

✦

It was only a week or so after his first visit that Hongjoong found himself on his way to the blood donation center again.

He had called the receptionist beforehand and she had told him that since they hadn‘t taken much last time, he could come back in early. 

Part of him wondered how much they were really stretching their policies due to the shortage to get in all the donations they could.

„Hyung, this is so cool. You‘re like a hero. Doing selfless things.“

San was walking next to him, a bounce in his step and red bean boba in his hands that Hongjoong had gotten him after picking him up from his dentist appointment.

He had just gotten his stitches taken out and had insisted on walking with Hongjoong since the donation center was on the way home.

„Sannie, it‘s nothing. I told you, I just heard they needed donors so I‘m back.“

Besides, it was not really that selfless, considering a big part of him only really wanted to see the beautiful doctor again. 

Seonghwa.

He wanted to see if he still had the same intense aura around him or if it had just been Hongjoong‘s panicked state that had made him cling to the first source of calmness he could find.

„Still, you‘re amazing, hyung.“

As they reached the clinic, the receptionist told them to sit down in the waiting area.

San took a sip of his drink, looking at the info flyers on the table. 

The swelling in his cheek had gone down significantly during the week, Hongjoong noted. He was glad he didn‘t have to suffer without any medication anymore.

„Maybe I should donate, too“, San said hesitatingly.

There was a hint of sadness in his look, of guilt.

„You know that‘s not a good idea“, Hongjoong answered softly. 

If he had almost spiraled at the sight of the needle, he didn‘t know how San would cope.

„Yeah, I know“, he sighed. „I just wish I could do something good from time to time, you know? Help someone. Anyone.“

Hongjoong playfully shoved him with his shoulder.

„Choi San, what are you talking about? Literally every stray cat in a two mile radius would starve if you weren‘t here.“

That made him smile around his straw, a hint of  glitter in his eyes. 

„Especially Byeol“, San said. „I don‘t think I‘ve seen her catch a mouse even once in all the time we‘ve lived in that area.“

„See, she‘d be a lost cause without you. So leave the getting poked with a needle and bleeding into a bag to me while you go save lives, okay?“

That made San visibly relax.

Soon after, a young woman wearing the same blue scrubs Yeoang had been in last time approached them, clipboard in her hand. She was very pretty, but had a hint of purple shadows under her eyes.

„Kim Hongjoong?“, she asked, looking in between the two of them.

Hongjoong raised his hand a tiny bit. „That‘s me.“

She shot him a bright, fanged smile. „Great to have you back, thank you so much. My name is Yeji, I will be-“

„Thank you Yeji, I will be taking this.“

Hongjoong hadn't even seen the tall, dark figure dressed in a lab coat approaching, before he was already next to Yeji, taking the clipboard from her. 

He felt his eyes widen and saw San next to him do the same.

„You can leave early today if you want to“, Seonghwa said to her in a low tone. „I know you‘ve been coming in early these days, you must be drained.“

She just smiled, a bit weakly, but did not argue with him, which was probably enough of an answer.

„Go take an extra blood bag home today, okay?“, he continued in his calm, deep voice, squeezing her shoulder for a moment before sending her off and turning to Hongjoong.

„I saw your name on the list“, he said. „It is good to see you back. I am glad last time didn‘t scare you away.“

San looked at Hongjoong questioningly and he just shook his head. He didn‘t have to know, shouldn‘t worry. 

„Don‘t worry, it takes more than that“, he joked, his mind already spinning at the fact that Seonghwa had read his name and not only remembered him, but had also come to greet him personally.

He probably does this for everyone, he quickly reminded himself.

„If you want to follow me, I have everything already prepared.“

Hongjoong nodded and rose from his seat, pulling San into a hug, stroking his hair for a second.

„Get home safe okay?“, he said.

„I will.“

„If you need anything, call me, okay?“

He laughed. „I‘ll be okay, hyung.“

He still let his eyes follow San until the clinic door closed behind him and only then turned back to Seonghwa to follow him into the large donation room. 

He led him back to the same station as last time, drawing up the privacy screen and telling him to lay down on the bed.

In the forced proximity of the small shared room it was impossible to not stare at Seonghwa, but Hongjoong tried very hard not to do so.

Which, again, was impossible.

Did he look even more beautiful than last time? His hair was slicked back again, not a strand out of place, and his skin was smooth and pale as ever. Only the shadows under his eyes seemed a bit deeper this time, but it could well have been due to the harsh neon light.

Pinned to his lab coat was a name tag that read Mr. Park with the Mr. crossed out and a handwritten Dr. scribbled over it, a smiley next to it.

He could imagine whose work that was.

„You seem to care a lot about your staff. You‘re very kind to them“, Hongjoong said, breaking the silence.

A tiny smile on Seonghwa‘s full lips as he poured disinfectant on a wipe.

„I do what I can. They would do the same for me.“

He moved to clean Hongjoong‘s arm, noticeably careful around the scars.

„And you seem to care a lot about your friend.“

„His name is San“, Hongjoong said. „And yes, I very much do."

Seonghwa nodded.

"I feel responsible for him in a way I think. We have the same roots.“

„You grew up together?“

He shook his head. „No, not like that. He just used to be an addict as well.“

Seonghwa froze in the motion, evidently surprised by Hongjoong saying this so casually, as if talking about their childhood neighborhood. 

„I know that you know“, Hongjoong continued quietly, glancing down at the scars. Seonghwa‘s fingers were still lingering there, the wipe in between them. But he was only looking at Hongjoong.

„You probably had to look through my records and clear me as a donor since you do the coordination here, right?“

Seonghwa nodded slowly, his expression unreadable. 

„I am the only one who knows though. My staff only receive the absolute necessary information, I promise.“

„I know. It‘s okay.“ He shrugged „I don‘t go around hiding it anymore. I‘ve found my peace with the past.“

Seonghwa hummed, piercing Hongjoong with the needle and adjusting the bag before leaning back in his chair.

„That is admirable. I know many who hold onto their past for much too long. I for one do.“

„I mean you do probably have a lot more past to hold onto than the average guy out there so it makes sense.“

That actually made Seonghwa laugh, low and genuine sounding. „That would be true.“

They both watched the blood trickle slowly into the bag, filling it up bit by bit. It was strange watching your own blood drain out of your body, but not in a bad way surprisingly. It was almost meditative to watch. 

„Do we ever find out who our blood goes to?“, Hongjoong wondered, more to himself than anything.

The thought that his last blood bag might have gone to Seonghwa strangely still hadn‘t left his mind.

„No, it is all an anonymized and centralized system. And a very complicated one if you ask me. Otherwise I wouldn‘t have this much paperwork.“

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow. „That bad?“

„Modern bureaucracy“, Seonghwa shrugged. „Not even not being human can save you from it. But it‘s okay, I like doing it. I know it is a good system.“ 

„Would it not be easier to just find humans you can drink directly from?“, Hongjoong asked, hoping the question was not insensitive. 

Seonghwa hummed. „For some it definitely is. And it would be a lie to say that blood bags taste as good as fresh blood. But it is more fair this way. Everyone can sign up for blood bags, but not everyone knows a human who is willing to offer themselves as a direct donor. And we don’t want to force the vampires who don‘t to take measures into their own hands.“

A shudder went down Hongjoong‘s spine at the thought.

„Even if it wasn’t necessary, it does help with our already rather problematic public image. Blood bags are seen as less… primal you might say. More civilized maybe.“

Hongjoong nodded along. He could definitely see this being true for some prejudiced people.

„So do most of you not drink from humans at all?“

Seonghwa rearranged some supplies on the station, his dainty long fingers moving a bit too fast to look human.

„We do, from time to time. But not on the regular. You can compare blood bags to water and drinking from the source akin to wine. Some will have a glass here and there, some even every weekend, but it is generally frowned upon to overindulge, especially when switching sources regularly.“

„Why is that?“

He seemed to think for a second.

„Because it is a very… intimate thing. You have a lot of power over the person you‘re drinking from. It puts them in a state many describe akin to a high. It is easy for both parties to… lose control."

It took Hongjoong’s entire willpower to not blush violently as Seonghwa spoke.

„So consent is incredibly important and so is being aware of the responsibilities that come with it. Many will only drink exclusively from a single source they have an established bond with. It has taken us centuries to get rid of the predatory and dangerous stereotypes and in some cases they still linger, so we have to make sure to look out for the humans we drink from with much care. Although many get quite possessive over their humans, too.“

„Sounds like a lot of work for a glass of wine to me“, Hongjoong mumbled, trying to sound unimpressed while in reality his mind was spiraling at the new information. It made him absentmindedly trace the long faded scar on his wrist. 

Seonghwa chuckled. 

„You could say that.“

Hongjoong couldn‘t hold himself back from asking, the curiosity too grand.

„How about you?“

Seonghwa stopped what he was doing and looked at him.

„Me?“

He swallowed. 

„Are you… fond of a glass of wine?“

For a second he was afraid to have overstepped a boundary, to have offended Seonghwa. But he only leaned back, a relaxed smile on his lips.

„You could consider me sober.“

Hongjoong was taken aback. He had not expected that answer, convinced the people lined up for Seonghwa to drink from them.

„Really? Like - never?“

„I have had my share“, he simply said. „Back in the day I used to indulge quite a bit, too much perhaps. But one can live off exclusively wine for only so long. At some point you should settle for water.“

The image in Hongjoong’s mind was a dangerous one. Composed, calm Seonghwa buried into the neck of a faceless person as he lost control, overindulging. 

„Do you miss it at all?“

For a moment Seonghwa’s eyes darted towards the blood bag hanging next to the bed. And then back to Hongjoong.

He could swear his stare lingered on Hongjoong‘s neck for the fraction of a moment too long.

After a second he cleared his throat and stood up.

„You‘re all done“, Seonghwa simply said and removed the needle, quickly wiping away at the drop of excess blood coming out of the wound, not looking at Hongjoong as he did so.

✦

The library was empty at this time of day, save for a few students dispersed across the different rooms, most likely pulling all nighters. 

It usually was like this by the time Hongjoong came in to study. 

He was on his tiptoes to get a book from the top shelf that he needed for the paper he was here to write. When he finally reached it, he put it in his already overfilled backpack - his ancient laptop taking up a big part of the space. 

He let out a groan upon shouldering it. 

Working those closing shifts at the restaurant all the time really didn't help his physical wellbeing. But it paid well, so he accepted the shifts, even if the owner kept him late more often than not, like today. 

At least at this time his favorite study spot would be free. 

He moved towards the back of the long hall, towards the theology section. 

Most students thought the line of shelves there was marking the end of the room, but during his first year Hongjoong had found out that if you made your way around them, there were a handful of huge, old tables, perfect for spreading out all your books and working in peace. 

Hongjoong knew they were reserved tables, most of them booked by the nearby monastery to give to their theology students, hence the proximity to the section. But he had never actually seen anyone sit there, so he had deemed them free to use. 

His favorite was a huge old table that was placed directly under a tall window, facing the small on-campus park. The table always had piles of the most random books on it - from natural sciences to philosophy to novels, seemingly mixed together without thought. He usually just shoved them aside to make space. 

This time though, as he rounded the last shelf, already in his thoughts about how to approach the next section of his paper, he abruptly stopped in his tracks. 

There was actually someone sitting there. 

"Oh, I'm sorry", he murmured absentmindedly, already turning to make his way to the general section and just finding a table there. 

"Hongjoong?" 

The voice that was calling out to him was familiar, a deep, liquid velvet. 

And when he turned back, it was indeed him. 

The moonlight that fell through the window made his hair look darker than usual, dipped in ink, a startlingly stark contrast with his skin. It was not slicked back like it usually was, instead hanging loose in his face.

"Seonghwa?", he whispered in a surprised tone. "What are you doing here so late?" 

He leaned back in his chair, away from the pile of books he had been crouched over, and smirked. 

"Should I not be the one asking you this, considering only one of us requires sleep?" 

Hongjoong scoffed. "Sleep is for the weak." 

Even though Seonghwa looked like he desperately needed it, shadows under his eyes enhanced by the moonlight. 

"Sit down at least, then. You look like you are carrying a lot of things." He nodded at Hongjoong's backpack. 

"Yeah you're right. I should go find a spot." 

"Oh, did you want to use this table?", Seonghwa asked. 

He nodded and then shrugged. "I usually study here, but it's okay, the whole place is empty anyway." 

A smile spread on Seonghwa's lips. 

"Oh, so you are the person who always moves my books and messes up my system then."

Hongjoong's eyes widened as the realization struck him. 

"Wait, are you saying this is actually your table? Are you a student here?" 

"Yes. Although student is a loose term - I mostly self study these days. Well, after I have spent like fifteen minutes to put my books back in order every time I sit down to do so that is.“

He sent Hongjoong a challenging smile.

„I refuse to believe that mess has any system to it. If anything, I‘m improving it“, he scoffed. „Anyways, how the hell did you manage to get this table?“

“I simply booked the table a while ago when one became available."

Hongjoong cocked his head.

"The woman working at the library said no table has become free for booking in like 50 years."

Seonghwa coughed and furrowed his eyebrows. "Oh, well, maybe a while ago is a loose term as well. I tend to lose track of time here and there." 

Hongjoong looked at him in wonder. 

So his first thought had been right, Seonghwa was one of the old ones. It did explain his striking beauty, otherworldly as he sat there in the moonlight.

„Do you want to sit down with me for a bit? The space is more than big enough for two“, he offered, pulling out the second chair to his right, where Hongjoong usually just rested his backpack on.

Hongjoong immediately waved him off. „Oh no, I don‘t want to intrude! You seemed like you were in the middle of studying. And this is your table and all.“

Seonghwa smiled. „I have all the time in the world to continue my studies and I would not mind some company. If you feel more comfortable in your own space though that is completely valid too.“

Hongjoong shifted on his feet for a second, unsure whether to take up the offer. But he ended up putting his backpack on the ground and taking the seat, the proximity to Seonghwa a bit unexpected, their shoulders almost touching. 

Seonghwa seemed to tense up for a moment and when Hongjoong looked over to him he was still as a statue, seemingly not even breathing. It only lasted a fraction of a moment though, before he leaned back in his seat. 

„So, Kim Hongjoong“, he said, and the way he spoke his name made a shiver go down his spine. Especially like this, when they were both keeping their voices down to not disturb the few others. „What brings you here at this hour?“

„I uhm“, he pointed at his backpack. „Need to write a paper.“

Seonghwa raised an eyebrow. „Most students here seem to rather do this during the day.“

„I know. It‘s just more relaxed here when it‘s empty. I can’t concentrate properly when there’s many people around, so studying during the day is a no for me.“

My paranoia makes me flinch and turn around every time I hear a noise, which is also the reason this is literally the only table I can study at since my back is protected by shelves. And even here I do it from time to time.

He did not say that part out loud, not wanting Seonghwa to know how much of a mess he was.

Still, he nodded like he knew. „The solitude can be very calming, that is true.“

There was a twinge of sadness in his voice. He quickly shook his head though, as if to get rid of the sentiment.

„May I ask, what are you studying at university, Hongjoong?“

„Social studies“, Hongjoong said. „I really wanna be a social worker in the future. Help troubled kids and teens, to keep them on the right track. I think they need someone who understands them.“

Seonghwa nodded. „That is very admirable. I can picture you succeeding in it very well.“

Hongjoong dropped his head to hide the smile spreading on his lips. 

„So you are a master‘s student here I assume?“, Seonghwa continued. He seemed to be in a much chattier mood than when he was at work.

Hongjoong bit his lip. He probably thought so because he had read his age on his forms at the blood bank - at 24 most of his peers were indeed already doing their master‘s or out in the workforce.

„Bachelor‘s actually. It‘s a bit embarrassing. I‘m only a sophomore, the oldest in my year.“

Seonghwa furrowed his brow. „And why would that be embarrassing?“

„People just wonder a lot, why I had a late start. It took me a while to get everything back together.  And I don't really like explaining all of it to random people.“

His priority back then had been to create a secure environment for himself and especially San. And with San enrolled back in high school, it had left Hongjoong to work full time to cover the bills for a while until they figured things out.

Seonghwa hesitated for a moment before speaking.

„Well, I am a student here too and I can assure you, I am the oldest in my year as well, but by a much larger margin.“

Hongjoong chuckled quietly.

„Also“, Seonghwa continued. „I hope you know that I find you doing this much more impressive than some child prodigy graduating university at eighteen.“

Hongjoong already opened his mouth to disagree, but Seonghwa‘s words sounded too sincere for him to do so. 

„Thank you“, he just simply said, meeting his eyes.

Seonghwa held his gaze for a second before his eyes flickered down his body. 

Only now did Hongjoong realize how he was dressed - only in sweatpants and a loose shirt, his half black half white hair not styled at all and falling into his forehead.

It was a stark contrast to Seonghwa‘s own appearance, all black and seemingly fitted clothes, with silver dangly earrings framing his face. 

Hongjoong felt awkward under his gaze and coughed, looking around the table for any distraction to not look at his face.

His eyes lingered on the open book in the middle of the table.

„French?“, he asked.

Seonghwa nodded. „I thought I should dedicate some time to my languages again.“

He pointed at the pile to his left. French, Mandarin and Russian were among them. Hongjoong distinctively remembered moving that exact pile before to make space for his laptop.

„Damn, that‘s a lot of languages“, Hongjoong said. It made him feel small next to Seonghwa. „Isn‘t it hard to learn all of them at once?“

„I am just brushing up on them. I have studied them all before, but uh - let‘s just say I embarrassed myself quite a bit in Paris recently.“

„Okay, you can’t just say that and not explain - now I‘m curious!“, Hongjoong said, propping himself up in his chair. 

Seonghwa actually did look a bit embarrassed. „Well, I really used to pride myself on my French. But upon traveling to Paris to visit an old friend again I noted that the French language had apparently changed substantially since I was there last.“

Hongjoong snorted. „Don‘t tell me you were walking around speaking like people‘s grandfather!“

„Maybe a bit worse than that even. It was not until my friend told me that I was speaking like in a historical drama that I understood the strange looks people were giving me.“

Hongjoong could just shake his head in awe and laugh. 

Seonghwa pouted a bit. „Do not make fun of me, I have had my ridicule. It really hurt my confidence!“

„I would never laugh at you“, Hongjoong said - laughing.

It gave Hongjoong’s mind a bit of peace - that Seonghwa, who looked like an ethereal being most of the time, had been running through Paris, awkwardly trying to communicate in outdated French and now pouting over it. 

„So, should we get back to it then?“, Hongjoong asked. „So this doesn‘t happen again next time you encounter French people?“

Seonghwa nodded. „I am sorry, I was not planning on keeping you from your duties this long. Would you rather I move to a different table so you can concentrate?“

Hongjoong shook his head. He felt strangely calm like this, despite his initial nervousness sitting next to Seonghwa.

He would give it a try.

„No, this is okay - this is nice“, he said smiling at him, and Seonghwa returned it.

And they stayed like this until the moon was high in the sky, working quietly side by side, only disrupted by short conversations here and there.

Hongjoong strangely did not look over his shoulder once. 

Chapter Text

If there was one thing Wooyoung had, it was persistence.

Or rather annoyance as Hongjoong liked to call it.

But sometimes, on rare occasions, he actually managed to achieve what he wanted with his constant pestering.

Like today.

„Hyung, come to the club with me!“

„Please please please!“

„Come on, you‘ll have a great time!“

„I always have to go alone, it‘s so annoying!“

„I‘ll even buy you dinner if you come with me!“

That was how it came about that Hongjoong sat next to him in the taxi, on the way to the part of the city where club Utopia was - the biggest and oldest vampire club in the city.

Wooyoung had even decided on Hongjoong‘s outfit, deeming him not bold enough to pick out what was usual in the scene.

„Hyung, stop pulling on your shirt, you look great!“, Wooyoung said, holding down Hongjoong‘s hands on the back seat of the car.

„Are you sure it‘s not too much?“, he asked.

„No, not at all. You‘ll thank me for not letting you leave the house underdressed.“

Hongjoong’s legs felt strange in the more than skin tight black leather that Wooyoung had insisted made his ass look great, tucked into heavy combat boots. The muscle shirt he was sporting exposed too much of his sides and also his collarbones for his liking. 

His black and white hair was loosely slicked back safe for a few strands, and Wooyoung had even insisted on some eyeliner.

He was dressed in a similar fashion himself, his shirt unbuttoned dangerously low.

„So…“, Hongjoong said. „What is this then today? Are you letting someone - uh - drink from you?“

The words felt awkward on his tongue.

Wooyoung rolled his eyes. „Of course. What else do you think humans go to a vampire club for?“

„I don‘t know - dance?“

He laughed. „Oh I will do that, too. But first I‘ll have to unwind a bit.“

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow and Wooyoung hit him in the arm. 

„Hey, don‘t give me that judgy look!“

He put his hands up in defense. „It‘s just a strange concept  to me, that‘s all.“

„Don‘t knock it till you try it. It has its perks, or people wouldn‘t do it. I can describe it to you.“

„Spare me the details!“

He was not sure he was ready to find out what Wooyoung and everyone else was getting up to in the back of these clubs.

He laughed. „Okay, but the offer stands. If you‘re ever curious.“

The image of Seonghwa came to his mind again, tucked into the neck of a person, his fangs grazing their neck.

It is a very… intimate thing.

With the way he had said it, Hongjoong would be a liar were he to pretend he wasn‘t curious at all. But Wooyoung was surely the last person he would ask about it.

When they reached the club shortly after - hidden in a smaller side alley, away from the noise of the popular club street -  Hongjoong was immediately relieved that he had let Wooyoung pick out his outfit. 

Because already judging by the queue of people lined in front of the entrance did he see that they were not overdressed at all. Black seemed to be the color of choice, and heavy boots like his own, chains, and chokers were omnipresent with humans and vampires alike. 

Utopia , it read in big, red neon letters above the entrance - the only light illuminating the space, safe for the faint moonlight that barely peeked through the fog tonight.

They queued up and moved forward quickly. When they approached the end of the line, Wooyoung just let out a screech.

„Jongho!“, he screamed. „How are you doing?“

The bouncer - Jongho - sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

„God, not you again.“

„Hey!“, Wooyoung protested. „You love me!“

„You keep annoying me when I‘m trying to do my job.“

Hongjoong laughed. „That sounds like him.“

Jongho‘s eyes wandered to him as he checked their IDs. He was a fairly young, buff looking man in a black suit with an earpiece in. Hongjoong assumed he was a vampire too, judging by his position - vampires were stronger and faster than humans, so a human bouncer would likely be easily overpowered.

„You‘re his friend?“, Jongho asked.

He shrugged. „Hostage.“

„Hey!“

„First time here?“, Jongho asked and Hongjoong nodded. „Well then, have a great night. I will be here if you need anything.“

When he waved them in, Hongjoong couldn’t deny his nerves - but as soon as he stepped over the threshold, they were replaced by awe. Hongjoong could only stare. 

The club was nothing like he had ever seen.

It was a large room, dimly lit in mostly red lighting apart from a huge chandelier dangling from the high ceiling, a slight layer of artificial fog hovering over the ground to make it look a bit otherworldly. The figures pressed together on the dance floor in the middle seemed almost as if they were floating.

Everything looked expensive, from the dark ornamental tapestry on the walls, interrupted by a few candeholders, to the black marble countertop bar on his right. It had velvet layered stools in front of it, and shelves with expensive looking liquor covering the space behind it up to the ceiling.

The music was a genre that was hard to pinpoint, a low beat close to techno, but with an eerie vibe to it. 

„Damn“, it escaped Hongjoong.

Wooyoung grinned at him. „I told you it was cool, didn‘t I?“

He took him by the hand and led him to the bar. 

„I said I‘d meet up with my friend here“, Wooyoung explained. „You can order a drink to relax a bit.“

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow. „You‘re not drinking?“

He had already been confused when Wooyoung hadn‘t insisted on predrinking, or at least finishing a bottle of soju in the taxi as he usually did. He was sure at least at the club his first order of the night would be Vodka shots.

„Nope, not today!“

Soon, a somehow familiar figure approached them where they were leaning against the bar.

„Yeosangie!“, Wooyoung shouted and opened his arms, pulling the man into a hug.

And yes, it was indeed him - at first, Hongjoong hadn't been able to quite pinpoint him, looking so different without his scrubs, dressed all in black instead. But his fanged smile and bleach blonde hair under his black beret made him unmistakably the man from the blood bank.

The clothes made him seem paler, bringing out the shadows under his eyes. 

„Look, I finally managed to drag my friend along!“, Wooyoung announced, pointing at Hongjoong.

„Yeosang this is-“

„Hongjoong“, Yeosang completed. „It‘s good to see you again.“

Hongjoong smiled. „You too. Didn‘t expect to see you here.“

Wooyoung looked between them, confused. „Wait, what? You know each other?“

„Sort of. We met only once before“, Yeosang explained.

„He works at the blood bank I donated at the other day.“

“Oh my God!“, screeched Wooyoung. „See, it is destiny that you finally came with me today!“

They chatted for a bit, but Hongjoong mainly watched them, not sure what to make of the pair. They seemed oddly familiar.

It made him wonder what San thought of the… arrangement they had.

He would not pry and ask him about it, it was not his place. And he knew Wooyoung was very open about the fact he let Yeosang drink from him - he trusted Wooyoung enough to have talked to San before.

„Hyung, come dance with us!“, Wooyoung said, pulling on his arm and trying to pull him into the direction of the dancefloor.

He shook his head. „I think I‘ll take it easy for today. I‘ll get that drink first, you two go have fun.“

Wooyoung pouted, but was quickly distracted by Yeosang‘s hand on the small of his back, guiding him into the crowd.

With a sigh, Hongjoong sat down on one of the velvet chairs, waving to get the attention of one of the barkeepers.

A very tall man with a kind face came up to him, polishing a glass.

„What can I get for you?“, he asked with a smile.

„Mojito please.“

He raised an eyebrow. „With alcohol?“

The question surprised Hongjoong. Never before had he been asked that at a bar. „Uhm, yes?“, he said.

„Alright, will be right up.“

When the barkeeper put his drink down in front of him, he pulled out a thick black marker. Before Hongjoong could ask, he had already taken his right hand and placed a large black X on the back with it.

„Enjoy your drink!“, he said, as if nothing was out of the ordinary, and went back to polishing glasses.

Hongjoong could only stare at the X in confusion. 

He nursed his drink for a bit, turning his back to the bar so he could watch the people on the dancefloor, and took in his environment.

It was like a normal club, and completely different at the same time.

People were in the center dancing, or off to the side, sitting at the bar and drinking, and some were pulling their partners towards the back, into an area that Hongjoong could not see from where he was sitting.

He was wondering what was back there, couples coming and going constantly.

„Hey, are you here all on your own?“, a voice interrupted his thoughts.

It was a pretty girl with long black hair and a short, skin tight dress and heels on. She made no effort to hide her fangs that were glistening in the light, obviously showing off that she was a vampire. 

„I‘m here with my friend - he‘s just dancing with his… uhm“, Hongjoong said.

She smiled at him, stepping closer. A bit too close for his taste.  „Would you maybe want some company?“, she offered.

Hongjoong raised his glass to his lips, thinking how to decline the offer in a nice way.

But he did not have to. Her eyes darted to the X on his hand and her smile fell.

„Oh, I see“, she said. „Well, nevermind then.“

And she was gone as quickly as she had come.

What had just happened?

The exact same thing repeated itself two more times - another woman approaching him, and then a man. Both seemingly interested, until they saw the X on his hand, upon which they immediately left.

As the chair next to him dipped again a while after, he just sighed.

„I‘m sorry, I think I am not what you‘re looking for“, he simply said, raising his hand.

„Oh, I beg to differ.“

He whipped his head around at the familiar voice.

„Seonghwa?“

„We keep meeting under strange circumstances, Kim Hongjoong. I thought I knew all the humans who frequented this club by now.“

He looked great again - of course. But this time it was different. He was dressed like he was going to a club, and it did things to Hongjoong.

His legs were insanely long in his black slacks and chelsea boots, and this shirt was tight over his chest muscles, thin chains hanging from his neck and wrists and thick silver rings on his fingers. He also had a bit of eyeliner on, smudged out so it blended with the shadows under his eyes, making him look hawk-like.

He did not miss however how Seonghwa‘s glace was also lingering on Hongjoong‘s outfit.

„It‘s my first time here actually. My friend Wooyoung dragged me here.“

Seonghwa furrowed his brow. „Wooyoung… is that not the human Yeosang is drinking from?“

„That‘s him. You know about that?“

He nodded. „Yeosang and I go way back, longer than I can actually remember. We share most things. He is the only reason I am here really.“

„You don‘t like clubbing?“, Hongjoong asked.

„I am indifferent to it. But Yeosang owns the club, together with our friend Mingi, and I have nothing else really to do during the night.“

„Did I hear my name? You‘re not saying bad things behind my back are you?“, a voice called from the bar behind them, tone joking. Hongjoong turned around to see where it had come from.

It was another tall man - vampire - with sharp facial features and narrow eyes.

„Mingi, just because your hearing is good doesn’t mean you should always eavesdrop on people's conversations. Also, when have I ever said bad things about you?“

The vampire, Mingi, laughed. „I know, just joking.“

„Hongjoong, this is Mingi“, Seonghwa explained. „And that over there is Yunho.“

The barkeeper who had made his drink gave him a small wave and a smile. 

„This is Hongjoong. I know him through the bank. It‘s his first time here.“

They greeted him and said they hoped he would have a fun night. They seemed nice - and also close with each other, always leaning into each other behind the bar, chatting along as they made drinks.

„So, Seonghwa“, Hongjoong asked, raising his hand with the X on it. „Can you explain to me what the hell this is and why does everyone treat me like I am contagious when they see it?“

He laughed out loud.

„God, I am sorry, did Yunho not explain?“

He traced the X with his index finger. Hongjoong shivered slightly at the touch.

„It just marks that you‘ve had alcohol.“

„So?“, he asked. „We‘re at a club, isn't that kind of the default?“

„Not here. It puts you off limits to drink from.“

He looked at Seonghwa, confused.

„So no one can take advantage of someone who is drunk?“

„In part. But mostly because of the effect it has on us. Any toxins that are in the blood of the person we drink from have a bad effect on us - if it‘s just alcohol, it mostly just gives us a headache, almost like a bad hangover. Anything harder than that might have worse effects. It is not pleasant, so we avoid it at all costs.“

Hongjoong nodded. Suddenly Wooyoung‘s choice to not have alcohol before coming here made a lot of sense to him.

„Have you ever been in that situation?“

„God, more times than I can count“, he sighed. „Nowadays it is easy to avoid, but there was a time when basically everyone had some kind of drug in their blood.“

He turned around to the bar. „Yunho, worst time period to be a vampire?“

Yunho didn‘t even hesitate as he looked up from the drink he was making. „Oh, the Victorian era, by far. Everyone and their cousin had opium in their blood. They were even giving it to children. I think I was knocked out for the majority of the early 1800s.“

Seonghwa just shrugged and smiled. 

Hongjoong felt like there was never a normal conversation with him, they always left him in awe and with a bit of whiplash.

They fell into a comfortable silence soon, mostly just watching the people at the club. Seonghwa also seemed to have no desire to dance, which gave Hongjoong more of a reason to stay at the safety of the bar.

His eyes mostly lingered on Wooyoung and Yeosang, who were dancing together on the dancefloor, Wooyoung‘s hands thrown around Yeosang‘s neck. 

„Yeosang seems to have a fondness for your friend, and the taste of his blood alike“, Seonghwa said after a while. His eyes were also focused on the pair.

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow. „You mean you can actually notice the difference in taste between blood? Is it not all the same?“

Seonghwa played with the rings on his fingers for a moment, as if he was contemplating. 

„You develop a sense for it over time. In the beginning, when I was freshly turned, it all tasted the same to me. My senses were very dulled, inexperienced. Like a teenager who drinks wine for the first time and is not concerned by which wine he drinks, just the feeling it gives him, the goal he has of getting drunk, whether it be cheap boxed wine or an expensive bottle. But over the decades my senses sharpened quite a bit - young vampires usually can‘t even smell blood as long as the skin is not broken.“

Hongjoong took a sip of his drink. „But now you can? Smell people‘s blood?“

He blushed at the mere idea, and he did even more when he realized Seonghwa was definitely able to tell.

If he did, he did not let it show on his face and simply nodded. „By now I can tell how a person will taste by smell alone. I can even pick out the individual aromas if I get close enough.“

Almost on instinct, as if his words were pulling him in, Hongjoong noticed he had leaned in a tiny bit. When he did notice, he quickly leaned back, coughing to hide his embarrassment.

„So, uhm, there are people whose blood smells better than others?“

A smile was dancing around the corner of Seonghwa’s lips. „Oh definitely. But it is highly subjective. Very much down to individual taste - one vampire might find a human‘s blood smell extremely alluring, while for the next it does absolutely nothing.“

Seonghwa pointed across the room to where Wooyoung and Yeosang were dancing, very closely by now, Yeosangs face buried in his neck.

„Your friend for example. His blood to me does not have a very distinctive smell. If I were to pass him on the street, I wouldn‘t even notice it probably. To Yeosang it smells amazing. But he has always had a thing for the fruity ones.“

Hongjoong almost choked on his drink.

„What?“, he exclaimed once he got his breathing under control.

„The fruity ones? You know, undertones of citrus and maybe strawberry in the aroma of the blood?“

Hongjoong chuckled. „Seems like French isn’t the only language where you should catch up on your 21st century slang.“

Seonghwa still seemed confused and it gave Hongjoong a sense of satisfaction, to know more about something for once. 

As he glanced over to the pair on the dancefloor again, he saw Yeosang take Woooyung‘s hand and pull him towards the back, around a corner past which Hongjoong couldn‘t see.

He perked up in his seat.

„Where are they going?“

„Just the private rooms“, Seonghwa explained. „There are some in the back of the club, where you can withdraw to feed. It is more comfortable and safe for both parties like that than to just go into a corner of the dancefloor.“

Hongjoong nodded, but it sounded strange to him.

Part of him wanted to go after them and make sure Wooyoung was safe, even though he knew he could trust Yeosang. And they had done it many times before. Still, he fidgeted in his seat.

They sat in silence for a bit, only the beat of the music filling the space between them. Hongjoong was nursing his drink and Seonghwa watched him do so, playing with his rings.

Hongjoong‘s mind kept coming back to what he had just told him though, unable to shake the curiosity.

„So“, he started and met Seonghwa’s eyes. „When you say you can tell whether someone smells… alluring to you or not…“

He hesitated for abit, trying to hold himself back from asking, but curiosity got the better of him. He opened his mouth again, but before he could get any words out, Seonghwa cut him off, a broad smile on his lips now. 

„Before you are going to ask, no, I will not tell you how your blood smells to me.“

Hongjoong closed his mouth and turned it into a pout, turning away so Seonghwa could not see his strengthening blush - even though he rationally knew he could still sense it. Smell it. 

„That was not what I was gonna ask“, he mumbled.

Seonghwa let out a small chuckle.

Hongjoong shot him a glance out of the corner of his eye. „Why not though?“

He did not get an answer, just another low laugh, smooth like velvet.

Hongjoong ended up staying at the bar for the entire time Wooyoung and Yeosang were gone. 

Like he was sitting now, his back was protected as he leaned against the bar, the only people behind him Yunho and Mingi who were working and chatting along. And he felt like he could trust them, as long as Seonghwa did.

After quite some time, Wooyoung and Yeosang exited the back area of the club and emerged on the dancefloor again.

As they approached Hongjoong, Wooyoung had a content smile on his face, slightly stumbling along and clinging to Yeosang as if he were a bit intoxicated. The latter had a protective hand on his shoulder and one around his waist to keep him from bumping into people.

„Hyung, the party is insane!“, Wooyoung shouted over the music as he came to a stop in front of him.

He had the collar of his shirt flipped up, but Hongjoong could imagine what was hiding underneath.

„How do you feel, Woo? You’re alright?“

He couldn‘t hide the worry that tinted his words. He probably really sounded like an overprotective parent, like Wooyoung sometimes complained he did.

But he just nodded enthusiastically. „I‘m amazing, hyung. Better than amazing.“

Now that they were close, he saw that his pupils were blown wide, swallowing almost his entire iris. It gave Hongjoong an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, the sight too familiar.

How many times had he stared into a mirror to see his eyes look exactly like this?

But he swallowed down the feeling as he saw that Wooyoung seemed coherent enough, and very comfortable as he smiled and leaned into Yeosang - who himself looked like a new person. 

He walked more upright, seemed more energetic, and the earlier so prominent shadows under his eyes were gone entirely. Hongjoong didn‘t know if it was due to the lighting in the club, but he thought even his cheeks seemed to have a rosy tint to them.

His eyes flickered to Seonghwa, who looked the exact opposite to him. It made a hint of worry sink into his guts.

„Ugh, I wish we could stay and dance some more“, Wooyoung sighed. „The music is so good! But it’s getting late.“

He didn’t finish the sentence, but Hongjoong knew what he was implying.

„I was thinking of calling it a night anyways“, Hongjoong said. „If you want to, you can stay and party, take a taxi later. I can pay for it. And I’ll go take care of San.“

Wooyoung argued with him for a bit, but eventually accepted the offer reluctantly.

Seonghwa offered to walk him out, but Hongjoong said it was okay. The offer still made him feel light as he walked past Jongho, out into the cool night air.

✦

When he knocked at San‘s apartment door, just opposite of Hongjoong‘s own, he opened it looking a bit rough.

„Oh, hyung, you‘re back“, he said, his voice hoarse.

His eyes were a bit red around the corners and hair was tousled as if he had tossed and turned in his bed - which he probably had. 

„Did you have fun?“, he asked.

Hongjoong nodded. „It was a bit… different. But nice. I‘m glad I let Wooyoung convince me.“

„That‘s great, hyung. I’m happy for you.“

Hongjoong hesitated for a second.

„Woo is staying longer, he was having too much fun to leave so I told him to stay“, Hongjoong said.

San tried to hide how his face fell, but Hongjoong knew him too well.

„That‘s nice. I‘m glad he‘s having fun.“ He smiled, but there was a bit of panic in his eyes. „I‘ll just - go to bed then again. Try and get a bit of sleep.“

Hongjoong sighed and held the door open as San tried to pull it shut.

„Come on over. Let‘s have a sleepover.“

San hesitated. „Are you sure? Will you be able to sleep?“

„Of course“, he lied. He probably would not be able to even close an eye with someone else there - even San. „Grab your stuff, come over. I‘ll make you a hot chocolate.“

The way San‘s eyes sparkled and he smiled widely as he clung onto Hongjoong‘s back, almost squishing him as he followed him into his apartment, Hongjoong thought a sleepless night was a fair price to pay. 

And as he sat cross legged on Hongjoong’s bed, pajamas on and hot chocolate in his hands, Hongjoong knew he would go weeks without sleep if that‘s what it took to have him this content.

„So, did you meet Yeosang, too?“, San asked, sipping on his hot chocolate as Hongjoong sat down beside him.

Hongjoong was surprised by the question.

„I did - it wasn‘t the first time though. He works at the blood bank I went to.“

His eyes widened. „Oh, that‘s so cool! Woooyung talks a lot about him. I really want to meet him too, one day. He sounds great.“

He smiled as he spoke, no hidden jealousy audible in his tone, and it gave Hongjoong a peace of mind.

Whatever Wooyoung and Yeosang had seemed to not be in the way of what Wooyoung and San had. He didn‘t have to understand it to accept it.

He wouldn‘t have been able to stand San feeling like Wooyoung, or anyone for that matter, didn‘t care about him.

„Do you think you‘ll go back?“, San asked.

Hongjoong thought about it for a bit, but eventually said yes. 

Of course not only because he had found out that Seonghwa was apparently a regular there.

Not at all.

As they were getting comfortable, the silence of Hongjoong‘s bedroom was suddenly interrupted by the ringing of a phone.

For a second Hongjoong thought it was his own, but then he saw San‘s screen light up, laying in the middle of the bed. He rushed to grab it and turn it around, almost spilling his drink, but Hongjoong had already seen the caller ID.

Mom .

He felt his face harden.

„Don‘t tell me she‘s been calling you again“, he said, venom in his voice.

San shrunk into himself.

It kept ringing.

„Yeah“, he said quietly.

„For how long?“

He shrugged. „Only a couple of days. Always at night.“

Hongjoong‘s hands trembled. „You didn’t talk to ther, did you?“

It kept ringing, the sound giving Hongjoong a headache. San didn’t move to turn it off.

„I picked up on accident, the first time“, San said, a look of guilt on his face. „I didn’t look at the ID or I wouldn’t have. I hung up as soon as I knew it was her, I promise.“

Anger bubbled up inside Hongjoong.

It always did when this happened.

Every couple of months, San‘s mother seemed to remember she had a son, and tried to reach out to him. And every time, Hongjoong felt like it was threatening to tear down everything he had worked so hard to build up for them.

All their accomplishments, like sand between his fingers, slipping away.

He had never met the woman, but he hated her. More than anyone else in the world. 

In a way, seeing San‘s family, he was glad how things had ended with his own.

Hongjoong had been able to hide his addiction from them for a fairly long time. But one day they had found him collapsed on the bathroom floor, needle still in his arm. And they had kicked him out that very day, telling him to never show up at their doorstep again.

That was the last time he had ever seen them.

They probably didn‘t even know he was still alive.

San still had it worse somehow. 

He had a mother who claimed she loved him. He had always been welcome home, her throwing fits and begging him to stay whenever he went back to rehab. 

But she was also his biggest enabler. An addict herself, who saw the drugs as the only way to bind her son to herself. 

Offering him a paradise.

She had never made it out, was still high out of her mind every time she called San. And every time, Hongjoong saw how much it hurt San, saw the pain and longing in his eyes.

The ringing finally stopped.

San was looking at his phone.

„I thought I told you to block her number“, Hongjoong snapped. „Why won‘t you finally do it?“

It came out louder than expected and San visibly flinched.

And in the dim light of his phone screen, Hongjoong saw tears in his eyes.

Guilt immediately overcame him, replacing the anger in his body, and he rushed towards him.

„God, San I‘m so, so sorry. I didn‘t want to raise my voice like that.“

He pulled him into a hug, and San leaned into it, resting his head on Hongjoong‘s chest. 

He sniffled.

„It‘s okay, hyung. That‘s not why I‘m crying.“

He stroked his hair. „Why then?“

„It‘s stupid.“

„Tell me, still.“

„I just“, he hesitated. „I really miss her.“

The words were raw, bleeding, and they sent a stinging into Hongjoong‘s chest.

San rubbed his eyes. „When I heard her voice - she said she loved me and that she wanted to see me again. And that she was getting sober.“

„Sannie“, Hongjoong sighed.

„I know, I know. It‘s a lie. She won‘t get better. But still. I just - miss her. Is that so wrong?“

He continued stroking his hair, as San‘s tears dampened the fabric of his shirt.

„It‘s not.“

When the phone rang again, San immediately turned it off, not even looking at the screen, and threw it at the other end of the bed.

Hongjoong did not sleep for a second that night.

✦

Choi San had the most addictive personality Hongjoong had ever seen in all his years of being surrounded almost exclusively by addicts.

Back when Hongjoong had been admitted to his rehab facility, he had been scared.

Not only of the withdrawal he knew would be agonizing. Or the grueling therapy sessions, or the fact that he would have too much time and a too clear mind to think about everything that had happened and everything he had messed up.

He had also been scared that he would be the only new one among a tight knit group there. An intruder.

But it soon became clear that at least this one fear was not justified.

People came and went frequently, a sense of change always lingering in the air of the grey hallways, as if to stop any sense of familiarity and routine from ever coming up. 

Most were there only to complete a program to show off to their social workers or probation officers to prove they were committed to making a change in their lives and then, after a few weeks or months, left again. 

The ones who did not have to follow a program stayed even shorter. They were there on self-admission, no one but themselves and the persuasive words of the nurses keeping them there, and when the urge to go back to their old life became too much, kind words were rarely enough to hold them back.

One figure however formed the one constant in between incoming and self-releasing addicts and nurses who changed shifts every few hours.

A kid - younger than Hongjoong, but impossible to tell by how much. The thin limbs and paper skin and resilient shadows under dark, dull eyes that all of the addicts shared made them appear sort of age-less. 

A child and a corpse at once, or somewhere in-between, a point constantly moving on the scale between these polars, impossible to pinpoint.

The boy had something about him though that separated him from the others. 

He never spoke, at least not around them, and was surrounded by a sense of calmness, of security in how he navigated the long and winding hallways and disorienting setup of the facility where even weeks in, Hongjoong seemed to get lost at least twice a day.

When people didn‘t know where to find something, he would always show up a second later and simply hand it to them - sometimes even the staff asked him where something was. 

And the nurses all seemed to have a soft spot for him. 

Maybe it was the dimples that showed on the rare occasions when he drew his lips into a smile, that made him look like a child, or the way his shaggy hair, that was a bit longer in the back than the front, seemed to frame his face like a kind of halo when the light illuminated it from the back. 

Whatever it was, he saw the nurses sneak him extra portions of dessert on some days or let him choose the program on TV when everyone was arguing about what to watch - and one time, when Hongjoong was coming into the kitchen that he thought was empty, he saw one of the nurses pull the boy into a hug and stroke his hair.

Like a mother comforting her child who had hurt themselves falling off a swing.

He had never seen them do this for anyone else, always upholding a kind, yet professional aura that would never allow for displays of affection like that.

When he asked the nurses about the boy, he got nothing but a name - Choi San. No other information, no age, no reason he was here and no explanation to why he was treated so differently.

It kept bothering him though, his eyes always lingering on him a bit longer than on the others during mealtimes or group sessions.

„Do you know anything about San?“, Hongjoong asked one of the other residents a few weeks into his stay, as they were on dishwashing duty together. The guy was nearing the end of a six months program and had thus been here longer than most he knew.

„Choi San?“, he asked, handing Hongjoong a plate to dry off.

„He‘s a bit of a strange one. He‘s only just turned eighteen as far as I know, but he‘s been coming and going for years. Apparently he really wants to get off of the stuff, but he keeps falling back into it. Disappears for a few weeks before showing up at the doorstep again.“

Hongjoong hesitated for a moment. 

Coming and going for years, when he was only eighteen in the first place?

„What is it he wants to get off of?“, he asked eventually.

The guy laughed. „Everything. Something new every time.“

„What do you mean?“

„Pills, Alcohol, Cocain, everything you can make out of Opium - I‘ve heard he even managed to get addicted to Cannabis once. Isn‘t that the one thing everyone tells you you can‘t get addicted to?“ he snorted and shook his head with an amused look on his face. „Kid is using the narcotic drugs index as a bingo sheet.“

The way he was talking about him bothered Hongjoong for some reason. He didn‘t even know Choi San. But the kid with the dimples and halo that had all the nurses doting on him, getting addicted to every drug on the face of the earth was definitely nothing Hongjoong felt like laughing about. It was tragic.

 „And they always take him back?“, he asked anyway, the curiosity getting the better of him. „Even though he has messed up so many times?“

The rules were rather strict on that, they had explained to him when he was first admitted. If you relapsed, you would be welcomed back, but only so many times.

„No idea. But this is his home really, as far as I know. In the six months I‘ve been here I‘ve seen him leave and come back at least three times and no one ever says anything.“

Hongjoong didn‘t answer, but the guy kept going anyway.

„I don‘t know what the point is if I‘m gonna be honest. This place isn‘t gonna fix him just as it‘s not gonna fix any of us. We are here because we get a shiny little certificate at the end that says ‚Congrats, you made it!‘ that we can show off to our case workers and then that‘s it. The people who stay sober would have probably made it on their own as well if they really wanted it, and everyone else relapses anyway.“

Hongjoong bit the inside of his lip to not respond and gripped the plate he was drying a bit too hard. 

„Why are you asking about the kid anyways?“

He thought it over for a second. Why was he asking?

„He seems… kind. Different. But kind.“

The guy snorted. „Whatever. Don‘t go out and get attached. The San kid is a lost cause - everyone here knows it.“

Hongjoong finished drying the dishes in silence. He had no desire to continue the conversation.

Choi San didn‘t leave his mind once. 

✦

A few days after Wooyoung had dragged him to the club, when Hongjoong was back at the library for another late night session, he found himself having his shortest - and strangest - encounter with Seonghwa to date.

His professor had told him he needed more sources for his theory part of his paper, so he was walking back and forth between the alleys of bookshelves, a pile of relevant seeming books already at his feet. There was only one more he wanted to get before he went back to writing.

It was just a tad too high up for him to reach.

As always, he was too stubborn to get one of the stools to reach the top shelf, even though he realistically needed it. He was on his tiptoes, fingers almost brushing the back of the book, sighing in frustration.

That was when he suddenly felt a body coming up behind him, a hand reaching over his own and pulling the book out.

Hongjoong immediately tensed up.

He let out a small gasp and whipped around, hand covering his chest where his heart was beating fast from the shock.

„I‘m sorry, I did not mean to startle you. Here.“

In front of him was Seonghwa, one hand braced against the shelf behind Hongjoong, effectively caging him in, the other holding the book he had just been trying to reach.

Hongjoong looked up at him, startled by the proximity. They were close, even as he leaned back into the shelf.

As Seonghwa noticed this, he immediately took a small step back, taking his hand off the shelf.

„It‘s okay. I was just - surprised“, Hongjoong said.

„I shouldn‘t have snuck up on you.“ 

He looked guilty, but Hongjoong waved him off. „Thank you for getting this for me.“

Seonghwa hummed. „You are doing more research for your paper?“

„Yeah, I just need to look up the citations in this one though, then I can put it right back.“

He opened the book, bracing it against his hip as he looked for the correct page, phone in one hand ready to take a picture of what he needed. He flipped through the pages quickly, letting the paper run through his fingers - when suddenly, he felt a sharp pain on one of them. 

The thump of the book hitting the ground resonated in the otherwise so quiet library as Hongjoong instinctively clutched his hand to his chest.

„Ah, shit“, Hongjoong hissed, looking at his index finger. A cut - small, but deep for a paper cut - ran over the tip of it, a few drops of blood pooling on it, threatening to spill over.

The sound of a shaky exhale made him look up from the cut.

In the fraction of a second, Seonghwa‘s demeanor had changed completely.

He looked - dangerous.

There was no other word for it.

He was paler than before, pupils blown wide, strands of hair falling loosely into his face. His body was tensed up. 

Hongjoong could see the muscle strands on his arm where he had rolled up his sleeve as his hand came to rest on the shelf right next to Hongjoong again, clutching it hard. 

And his eyes were focused intensely on the cut.

Hongjoong slowly raised his finger to lick away the blood and soothe the sting, and Seonghwa‘s gaze followed the motion.

As Hongjoong tasted the copper on his lips, Seonghwa‘s eyes flickered down to them, lingering there.

For a moment Hongjoong froze as Seonghwa leaned in, shrinking in his presence. His stare did not move from where Hongjoong knew there was a drop of blood on his lower lip - could taste it there.

Seonghwa inhaled. Exhaled shakily. Hongjoong could feel it on his skin.

Hongjoong‘s tongue darted out to lick away the drop of blood.

„Seonghwa?“, he whispered.

He blinked, averting his eyes from where they had been focused.

And he seemed to snap out of - whatever it had been.

Took a step back, almost crashing into the bookshelf behind him, shaking his head.

„I should - I should go“, he said. His pupils were still wide.

„Is everything okay?“, Hongjoong asked.

He felt his own breathing go faster than normal.

„Yes I-“. Seonghwa swallowed. His eyes flickered down to Hongjoong‘s finger again. „I just need to leave.“

He picked up the book that had fallen down between them and pressed it into Hongjoong‘s hands.

„Goodnight Hongjoong“, he said.

And before Hongjoong could respond, he was already gone. Leaving him behind with a racing heart and the taste of blood on his lips.

Chapter Text

Hongjoong had bad days more often than he liked to admit - to himself, to others, and mostly to San.

They were the days where he felt like the path he was walking on was the one made of broken glass and rusty nails, slicing his skin and making each step more agonizing than the last. 

The path next to it however was lined with smooth, warm grass that would feel like heaven under his feet. Walking there would be as easy as breathing - he had done it before, had done so for years, and it was tempting him to do it again.

Take the step. Walk on the easy path, just for a moment, just to ease the pain.

On those days, staying on the rough path just for his own sake was not enough.

He had to remind himself of the promise he had made to San once, on that rooftop, all these years back, before he had really even known him.

After Hongjoong had learned why Choi San was here, the boy never left his mind.

He seemed to constantly catch himself watching him at mealtimes and during their free time, his eyes always darting towards the figure that was more often than not crouched in one corner of the room, face buried in a book.

And over the weeks, he found himself noticing more and more things about him.

San didn‘t seem to have any friends here despite all the time he had spent in the facility - with apparently no desire to make some. Only speaking when spoken to, always hesitant, distant. 

And on days where San looked particularly rough at mealtimes, where it was clear he was struggling, he would be nowhere to be found for the rest of the day, as if he had vanished off the face of the earth. Hongjoong wondered how many hiding spots he had found in all his years here, that the rest of them were blissfully unaware of.

Hongjoong often had the urge to sit down and talk to Choi San, to get to know his side of the story - if what people said about him was true. 

But he never seemed to have the chance to do so. Every time he thought to himself that today would be the day, San was nowhere to be found, as if he anticipated Hongjoong‘s attempts.

That was until one day, a Saturday, when the nurses were a bit understaffed and left a group of them unattended in the living room during their shift change. 

Choi San wasn‘t there. Hadn‘t been all day. Hongjoong had already taken notice of the empty seat at breakfast.

„Ugh, I can‘t wait till I‘m out next week“, one of the people gathered in the room said. As Hongjoong looked up, he saw it was the guy he had been on dishwashing duty with. Ever since that day, he had a strong dislike for the man that sat deep in his guts.

„First stop, get some dope“, the guy sighed. Hongjoong flinched when he heard the words.

„Nothing strong, not planning on actually getting back into it. Just something to calm these fucking nerves.“

„Dude, we can‘t talk about that stuff in here, you know the rules“, someone else scolded him.

It was one of the most strongly upheld laws they had to abide by: No mentions of drugs outside controlled therapy sessions. It could trigger someone easily and it was impossible to anticipate how people would react - whether it would send someone spiraling.

The guy just shrugged. „Do you see any staff? I know you‘re thinking of it, too.“

Everyone was silent, looking around as if they were unsure what to do.

„What part of it do you miss the most?“, the guy continued. „For me it‘s definitely the first couple of minutes. You know, the feeling like I could rule the fucking world.“

This seemed to break an invisible dam. Some joined the conversation hesitantly, some enthusiastically like they had been waiting for an opportunity like this, some just listened.

Hongjoong wanted to cover his ears and tune it all out, tape them shut so no sound could pass through. 

He managed to stay in his seat for not even five minutes. Then he just couldn‘t stand it anymore. He felt dizzy, his stomach uneasy as if he had a bad hangover.

Without a single word he abruptly stood up and left the room, not even waiting to see if anyone called out for him.

He didn't even look where he was going. His head was pounding and his eyes went in and out of focus as he concentrated on keeping the memories at bay that threatened to flood his consciousness. 

Tumbling along the disorienting, always gray halls. Left, right, just away from the voices in the living room and in his head that all whispered the same stories to him that usually just visited him at night. 

Up a flight of stairs. The pain in his thighs as he rushed up them was cathartic, tethering him to reality, so he kept going. Up more stairs, and more. He had never been in this part of the facility before, not sure he was even allowed here.

One more staircase. Through a heavy door. 

The fresh air hit him in the face like a knuckle ringed fist. Knocked whatever trance he had been in out of him instantly. 

He was on a rooftop. Concrete stretching out in front of him endlessly. Until the edge of the roof, fenced in with a metal railing, the bars like those of a prison cell.

And there, on the very edge, sat Choi San. 

For a horrible second, Hongjoong thought he was here to jump. But on a second glance he seemed calm, leaning back at his elbows, his legs dangling through the bars, head tilted back into the sky. 

Exhaling a cloud of bluish-grey smoke into the afternoon summer air. 

Hongjoong probably should have left, gone to find his own hiding spot and leave this one to San. But his legs were working on their own concord, crossing the concrete roof towards the boy. 

There were two empty packs of cigarettes next to him and a third one in his lap. 

As he inhaled, the tip of the one that was in between his lips glowing a deep orange, Hongjoong stepped up next to him. 

„You really shouldn't be doing this."

He didn't know what else to say. 

San exhaled. Smoke in the air that was rough in Hongjoong's nose. 

„I know.“

At the next drag of his cigarette, he didn't look like he enjoyed it. Rather like he was forcing it down his throat, making himself almost choke on it. 

He looked at him out of the corner of his eye, challenging.

„Are you gonna do anything about it?“

Hongjoong stayed standing, awkwardly. 

„I could tell the nurses.“

Smoke in the air. 

„They wouldn't care.“

„They would. I've seen how much you mean to them.“

He tipped on the end of his cigarette. Ash on the concrete, burning orange turning into grey.

„And that's why they wouldn't do anything. Except for maybe trying to sit me down and have a conversation to convince me to change something. But this“ - he held up his cigarette - „as long as I'm here is better than me ending up out there, getting my hands on whatever else I will find.“

He pointed it over the edge of the roof, into the direction of the city. 

„And it is definitely better than me ending up there.“ 

He moved his arm, so now his finger was pointing at the nearby graveyard that was visible from the roof. 

„So they will let me smoke in peace until my lungs turn into tar.“

Hongjoong didn't know what to answer so he didn't. 

He also didn't ask where he got the cigarettes from and how he had gotten them in here - he was sure people had brought in worse things.

He just sat down, without asking for permission. Just put his legs through the metal bars there, a comfortable space between him and the boy. 

San didn't complain. But he also didn't speak to him. 

They were just coexisting for a moment, looking out over the city. Hongjoong trying his best to keep his eyes away from the graveyard, while San's seemed fixated on nothing else. 

A drag of a cigarette. Smoke in San‘s lungs. Smoke in the air. Ash on the concrete.

"Why are you up here?", San eventually asked. "I have never run into anyone when I am hiding here." 

Hongjoong fumbled with his hands. 

"Had to get out of the living room for a bit. It was… rough." 

No answer, just a nod. Smoke in the air. Ash on the concrete. 

„So - what things do you like to do?“, Hongjoong eventually asked to break the silence that had spread between them. The attempt at small talk was awkward on his lips. Strange. There was no use for small talk out there.

„Drugs“, San just said and inhaled again. „I thought that was obvious.“

„Apart from that I mean. Was there anything you liked to do before?“

The big before. Almost as estranged of a concept as the big after. The after-person was someone Hongjoong could not imagine to ever exist. The before-person had existed once  - shrouded in aching nostalgia, only existent in a life he had ripped apart with his bare hands, into tiny shreds.

San shrugged. „Don‘t know really. I got started too early - before I was literally a child, so I guess I never had the chance to become an actual person, you know?“

He nodded. He sometimes felt the same.

„What did child-San enjoy doing then?“

Another drag of the cigarete. Smoke in his lungs. Smoke in the air. Ash on the concrete.

„Reading“, he answered. „Comic books mostly, but I am actually reading Gone with the Wind right now. Thought I would try something less childish, but it‘s hard. My brain doesn‘t like to concentrate on things anymore. I used to be able to focus for hours, but now I mostly stare at the pages, not really reading anything.“

Hongjoong hummed, part of him happy he had been able to coax an answer out of San, part of him sad at how dishearteningly real the answer had turned out. How despite San's obvious efforts to hide it, the pain seeped through his words. 

„I also like animals“, San added. „We used to have a cat when I was little.“ 

Hongjoong smiled at him encouragingly. 

„I‘ve seen you feed the stray cats that hang around the back of the clinic sometimes“, he said. 

Was that the hint of a smile on San‘s face? Hongjoong wasn‘t able to tell, smoke covering it moments later.

„They are my favorites, much better than domesticated cats. They are like me. They also only hang out here at the clinic because they have nowhere else to go. And here they at least have something that keeps them alive for now.“

Hongjoong chuckled. „Lucky bastards, cats. Nine lives. Who wouldn‘t want that?“

San just scoffed, turning off his cigarette on the concrete and quickly fetching another. The packet was empty now.

„I don‘t. Already messed up this one beyond repair. I shouldn‘t be trusted with more than that.“

Hongjoong‘s smile dropped.

„Why do you sound like you‘ve given up hope?“

It made him angry for some reason. It was a strange feeling.

San let his head hang, resting against the bars of the railing.

He looked so young like this, and utterly exhausted. 

„Do you think I don‘t try? To be hopeful?“ 

His voice was pained, the sound a dagger in Hongjoong’s heart. „But the truth is, this is my last chance. And I can feel it slipping away."

Hongjoong furrowed his brow. 

"What do you mean by that?" 

"I used to be able to come and go pretty much as I pleased. When things were rough at home, I always knew I'd be welcome back here. And when I couldn't stand the facility anymore  - well, I just left. They always took me back, always - I was a kid, what else were they supposed to do?" 

He sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

"But now I'm eighteen. So this is it. The nurses told me that if I mess up one more time, they can't do anything for me anymore."

He looked small as he sat there. Fragile. If they had been different people, two boys that were less broken, that could still trust, he maybe would have hugged him. 

But they were not those boys, so he kept his distance and just listened. 

"The worst part is, I try. I try so, so hard. Every single day. And not only have I not gotten any better, over all those years. I have also not once seen a person who had hit the same low I have and made it out alive." His voice almost broke at that. "Not a single one. All of them are over there or might as well be.“ 

He pointed in the direction of the graveyard again. When he turned to look at Hongjoong, his face was a mask of bitterness. 

„So tell me, what hope should I have?“

He forcefully exhaled the smoke of his cigarette, directly into Hongjoong‘s face. But he didn‘t budge. Felt his hands clench into fists.

„There is no way no one managed to get out“, Hongjoong said, shaking his head. His voice was hard, to hide the desperation. „I don’t believe that. There must be someone.“

„Show me one person. Do it, and I will start believing I have a chance.“

When Hongjoong was unable to answer, San let out a laugh, but it was void of any humor and rough in his throat. 

„People like you and me don’t get better Hongjoong. We maybe manage to go on for a bit longer - but we don‘t get better. And we for sure don‘t get out.“

Hongjoong was quiet. Didn't even ask how the boy knew his name. 

This could not be it. He refused to believe this was the end for San - eighteen year old San, who had dimples when he smiled and whose hair looked like a halo in the right light and who took care of stray cats because they were like him and who never had the chance to become a person.

Before he knew it, Hongjoong had risen to his feet, looking down onto San.

„I will do it“, he declared and crossed his arms. 

He was met with a raised eyebrow.

„I will prove you wrong. I will get out. Be clean, and get my life together, and never look back at all of this. Because I have been told the exact same thing as you - that this is my last chance. And you, Choi San, will have no choice but to have hope again when I go and take that chance.“

San shook his head in disbelief, like he was mocking him - but there was something in his eyes, a tiny glimmer, like a burning cigarette. 

„Let‘s make a deal“, Hongjoong said and stretched out his hand. 

"You are insane", he laughed, but his voice wavered. "You can't win at this. There is no point." 

"So what do we have to lose?" 

San looked at it for a while. His mocking smile disappeared. 

When he eventually rose from the ground, Hongjoong thought for a second he would just walk away and leave him.

But then he actually reached out. And their hands met. 

„Okay“, San said. „Humor me. If you can do it, so can I.“

Hongjoong pressed down, encouragingly.

He had a reason now.

He would make sure Choi San would get his chance to become a person.

✦

Hongjoong was a nervous mess. 

He hadn’t thought he would be like this today, had made sure his paranoia was in check before he had agreed to go back to the club with Wooyoung. 

And he had been doing well, more than that even. Had been actually looking forward to going out, maybe even dancing a bit - and hopefully seeing a certain someone again. 

That was until they had been queued up, outside club Utopia. The line had moved quickly, everyone seemingly buzzing with energy to go in and celebrate the night, Hongjoong included. 

But when they were almost at the door, the line stopped moving forward. 

Hongjoong craned his neck, to see what was happening, what Jongho was doing, but the bouncer was nowhere to be seen. 

Until a few moments later, when he emerged from the club, dragging two very angry looking men behind him. 

„Come on dude!“, one of them shouted. "Don't be a buzzkill!" 

Jongho face was stern as he shoved them into the open area in front of the club. 

„Please leave the premises now“, he simply replied, keeping calm despite the two men towering over him. 

„Are you serious?“, the other asked. "We were just playing with her a bit." 

„If you two can‘t keep your fangs to yourself, you have no business being in this establishment. We have a one strike policy here.“

They still refused to move, moving to get up into the bouncer‘s space.

„So what will you do if we don‘t leave?“, one taunted. 

Things happened too quickly for Hongjoong to even see what was going on. But next thing he knew, both of the vampires were on the ground in front of the bouncer, their arms twisted onto their backs in a painful looking angle, with the guy holding each of them down with one arm.

Hongjoong froze, eyes wide.

„You had your warning. You are officially blacklisted now. Leave“, the bouncer said quietly, not even breathing harshly, as if this had been nothing for him.

He didn‘t have to tell them again.

When they were gone, he straightened up again, readjusting his jacket. 

„Sorry about that“, he said. „Who is next?“

Hongjoong had been good after it happened - Wooyoung had looked at him tentatively, asking him if he wanted to leave after witnessing the incident. 

And Hongjoong hadn't lied to him when he had said he was okay and had led the two of them towards the bar. And later, when he sent Wooyoung away to dance with Yeosang, he had still felt calm. 

But somehow, as he sat at the bar, thinking back to the two vampires squaring up on Jongho, something in his mind suddenly switched. 

And he felt uneasiness creep up his neck. 

Things like these, they had never ended well. 

Avoid conflict, avoid conflict, avoid conflict. 

A mantra he had repeated more times than he could count, back then. Because people had been unpredictable, always balancing on the whisper-thin line between friend and enemy. And a word out of line, a sentence spoken too harshly, could have ended with a knife in your back. 

He almost felt the blade between his shoulders. 

He should find Wooyoung, he thought as his breathing quickened. 

As he crossed the dancefloor, the bodies he was bumping into made him flinch away. There were just too many, behind his back, all around him. 

What if someone was up to something? 

He saw the bathrooms at the end of the hall. If he locked himself in one of the stalls, no one would be able to sneak up on him, right? 

His back would be protected at least. 

Almost blindly he stumbled in the direction, squeezing his eyes and covering his ears to drown out the overwhelming sensations. 

And suddenly, he ran into something - not a wall, a bit softer. Fabric against his face. 

He immediately flinched away, ripping open his eyes, uncovering his ears, trying to stumble backwards. 

But hands held his shoulders, keeping him in place, trapping him, and only then did he realize he was shaking. His whole body. And there was something hot on his face - was it tears trailing down his cheeks? 

"Let me go", he whispered at the figure keeping him in place with their grip on his shoulders, too quiet for them to possibly ever hear it. 

"Hongjoong, what is wrong?" 

He blinked. One. Twice. 

"Did something happen?" 

Seonghwa. 

His face was blurry through Hongjoongs tears, but it was him - ethereal in the red light of the club. 

And suddenly, the grip on his shoulders felt stabilizing instead of imprisoning. He exhaled shakily. 

"I - no. I don't know."

He sounded out of it, even Hongjoong noticed. 

"Should I go find Wooyoung?" 

"No!", he almost shouted. "Don't leave."

"Shh, I will not. Can i drive you home? Or get you a taxi?“

He shook his head. He didn’t want to leave without letting Wooyoung know what happened.

“Let me at least take you somewhere less crowded“, Seonghwa pleaded. „Is that okay with you?" 

He nodded, tensing up to suppress the shaking in his body. 

Seonghwa immediately took his hand in his own, his long, dainty fingers wrapping tightly around Hongjoong's, and pulled him in the direction of the private rooms. 

They did not enter one though, Seonghwa guiding him past the couples that were lingering in the area, and up a winding staircase with an intricate black metal railing and red velvet across the stairs. 

Once upstairs, he stopped in front of a large wooden door, pulling out a key from somewhere and letting them in. 

As soon as he closed the door behind them, Hongjoong felt himself calm down. 

No bodies around him, no voices, the beat of the music drowned out through the walls. 

"Come on, let's sit you down for a bit", Seonghwa said in a calming tone, pressing him down onto a large red sofa. 

A moment later a bottle of water found its way into Hongjoong's hands, the cap already taken off. 

As he took some tentative sips, he was able to focus his eyes enough to take in his surroundings. 

The room he was in was cozy, but not too crammed - the dark floorboards and ceiling probably made it look smaller than it actually was. 

There was not much furniture, just the sofa he was sitting on, a deep red, and a dark wooden table in front of it. In the corner was a cupboard and also a small fridge that Seonghwa had probably taken the water from, and opposite the door was another leading out onto a balcony. 

Seonghwa stood near the entrance, uncomfortably far away from Hongjoong, shifting his weight on his feet. 

He was so, so pale in the dim light that entered through the balcony door. 

"Do not worry, this is just one of the private rooms that no one has access to", Seonghwa said, lowly, as if not to startle him. "Mingi gave me the key some time ago if I ever wished to draw back for a while."

He had probably seen Hongjoong look around the room disoriented. 

"I will give you some space then", he said, taking a step back. "Stay as long as you wish."

Hongjoong looked up to him, confused. 

"Could you stay please? Sit down with me a bit?" 

Seonghwa hesitated mid step. As if he thought it was not a good idea. But eventually he nodded, slowly approaching him and sitting down at the far end of the sofa. Unmoving, like a statue. When he looked at Seonghwa's chest, he noted it wasn't rising and falling. Like he wasn't breathing at all.

"Are you alright? Do you wish to talk about what happened?" 

Hongjoong waved him off, almost embarrassed now that he had calmed down again. 

"It was really nothing. There was just… an altercation outside. Some vampires that apparently wanted to force themselves on someone."

Seonghwa didn't looked pleased. 

"I understand that this would upset you. I deeply apologize that my kind has made you feel unsafe here. Or anywhere."

He shook his head. "No, it was not that. I just… it was more the fight outside. I have gotten very bad at dealing with conflict I feel. It used to never end pretty, so situations like these still make me uneasy. But it is okay, really." 

Seonghwa took his time to answer, playing with the rings on his fingers. 

"I know that it is incredibly selfish of me to think so - but this is somewhat of a relief for me to hear." 

"What else did you think had happened?" 

Seonghwa turned to look at him, for the first time since he had sat down. "When you ran into me, and you were shaking and had tears in your eyes - for a moment I was afraid that I was the reason for your fear." 

He frowned, looking like the thought alone hurt him deeply. 

"Why would I be afraid of you?", Hongjoong said in disbelief.

"I did not show myself from my best side the last time we met."

He turned his eyes away. "I wanted to apologize for how I acted back at the library. I have no excuse for why I behaved the way I did."

Hongjoong's mind went back to how close Seonghwa had been. His eyes fixated on his lips, arms caging him in against the bookshelf. Like he had been in a trance.

His heart had been beating out of his chest. But had it been fear?

Hongjoong had been afraid many times before. Deeply afraid. This had not been one of them. 

"I don't blame you. So please don't blame yourself." Hongjoong could only whisper. 

Seonghwa shook his head. "Still. I see it as my obligation to make sure something like back then does not happen again. Or something like today."

Was it protectiveness he saw in his eyes? Or guilt? It was hard to tell. 

"It was really no big deal today though", Hongjoong assured him. "Jongho took care of the situation quickly." 

Seonghwa smiled. "He is good at his job, isn't he?" 

Hongjoong nodded enthusiastically. "Is he one of these vampires that have like super strength? I know you all are stronger than humans, but aren't there some that are so unproportionally?" 

Seonghwa seemed confused for a second, and then broke into a quiet laughter. 

"Jongho? Oh, he is a human." 

Hongjoong rolled his eyes. "Yeah, funny joke."

He didn't answer, just smiled. 

"Wait, are you not kidding? But - but he took down two vampires at once!" 

Seonghwa shrugged. "I said he is good at his job. But to be fair, you are not the first to assume he is one of our kind. Most do, and he usually does not correct them."

Hongjoong just shook his head, wide eyed. Next time he would see the bouncer he would have to do a double take and make sure his teeth were not fangs after all. 

Seonghwa sighed. "We should still increase security though. Things like these have been happening more frequently these days." 

Hongjoong's eyes darted to Seonghwa's own. His irises dull, even in the moonlight, the shadows looking like they were carved into the skin underneath. His chest was still unmoving.

"Is the shortage that bad?", Hongjoong asked. 

He sighed. „It is not like it is a crisis. There is enough to keep everyone fed, but I would lie if I denied that we cut back on the portions we have been handing out. Some apparently see it as their right to make up for the rest by finding a direct source.“

„Let me guess, cutting back on portions means you are not taking any for yourself at all?“

Seonghwa hesitated, seemingly not having expected Hongjoong‘s answer. 

„I have been… resourceful. Let us call it that." He bit his lip. "How did you know?“

„I saw how Yeosang looked directly after drinking from Woo. He was much less pale, and the shadows under his eyes were completely gone. Yours have been persistent for weeks every time I have run into you. Getting worse." 

Seonghwa blinked slowly. „You are very perceptive, Kim Hongjoong.“

„You have to be, out there. Anything less gets you killed.“ 

Seonghwa didn‘t answer, just looking at Hongjoong with a hint of sadness.

„Isn‘t it harmful?“, Hongjoong asked. „To go this long without drinking?“

Seonghwa smiled, but it was a weak one. He looked tired.

And he was sure he was still not breathing. Staying as far away from Hongjoong as the space on the sofa allowed. 

„I have gone longer before when I had to. Do not worry about me - you get better at cutting back the longer you have lived. The younger ones need the supply more.“

„But you need it, too“, Hongjoong protested.

Seoghwa did not argue with him. He seemed too drained to do so. His eyes flickered to Hongjoong's neck, but only for a moment. 

„Shall we step outside for a bit?“, he asked instead. „I need some fresh air.“

The air outside was surprisingly cool, considering fall had not quite arrived yet.

They were leaning against the barricade, the same intricate black metal as the staircase, and looked out over the city, illuminated by thousands of lights. 

A light breeze blew Seonghwa's hair back as he leaned next to Hongjoong. Beautiful. Intimidatingly so. Still apart, but closer than on the sofa. Less strained, as if he could breathe again. 

"What are you thinking?", Seonghwa asked after a while. 

"Just, that it's strange to see this part of the city from up here. I know these streets like the back of my hand, could tell you everything that is going on down there right as we speak. But I don't think I have ever seen them like this."

The faint sound of honking cars and engines, the dull thumping of the beat downstairs. 

"What is happening right now? What do you see when you look down?" 

Hongjoong inhaled the night air deeply, as if it would tell him its secrets. 

Then he pointed over the railing. 

"The club over there, the one with the big lights? Some very powerful people are making a drug deal there. And in the alley over there" - he moved his hand an inch - "someone is selling these drugs. And in a bar - pick any bar you can see -  someone has locked themselves in a bathroom stall, drawing some of it up into a needle. Already anticipating the satisfaction the high will give them. That is this city as I know it.“

It was quiet for a bit, only the sounds of the city between them. 

"Describe it to me", Seonghwa breathed. 

"What?" 

"What are they feeling? What is it like? The rush?" 

Hongjoong was slightly taken aback by the question. Looked at his fingers that clutched the barricade.

Seonghwa seemed to misinterpret his silence. 

"Hongjoong, I am so sorry" he said, letting his head hang low. "I do not know why I asked this. My curiosity was insensitive. I am sure it is a difficult thing to think back to." 

He had not been offended though - simply surprised. 

"Have you really never tried it, in all those years?", he asked. 

"I probably would have, if I were a human." 

„You mean drugs don‘t have an effect on you?“

He shook his head. „No, none do. And while I do like a clear mind, endless time to explore it without the escape of true sleep or a poison to dull it does make it feel like a prison after a while. I can‘t help but wonder what it is like to cloud it for a while.“

Hongjoong tried to imagine it. All that time, always awake, conscious. Alone with your thoughts, with every choice you had ever made, and all the time in the world to overthink them.

He too would long for an escape.

„I will describe it to you.“

He didn‘t wait for Seonghwa‘s reaction, the words already tumbling out of his mouth.

„It is like… Warmth, euphoria, in an instant. Like the snap of a finger. You are floating, not really in your body, but also not really gone. It is almost overwhelming in its intensity. This, the initial rush, is what gets you hooked - when you still have your life together and you are simply greedy, just want more.“

He exhaled a shaky breath as he remembered the feeling in his veins, as if it was yesterday he had last shot up. 

„But the feeling that comes after, when the initial hit subsides, that is what truly gets you to stay. Because it makes you feel safe, like nothing in the world could harm you. There could be someone after you, you could be homeless with nowhere to go - hell, you could be standing in the middle of a burning building, the walls collapsing around you. And the drug would take it all away, all that pain, and fear, and whisper lies into your ears that everything was well, that you were safe and sound.“

Seonghwa‘s eyes were wide, and fixated on him as he spoke, as if he was soaking up every word.

„You rationally know it might kill you, every time you pick up that needle - that it will kill you, eventually. But you don‘t care. Not when the lies sound so sweet, and the relief is so easy to reach.“

He looked out into the streets, where he had lived this life, for so long. Chasing this lie.

„In a way I saw it as a shortcut to heaven“, he concluded.

Seonghwa cocked his head at that. „I didn’t peg you to be a man of religion, looking for an early grave to reach heaven sooner.“

Hongjoong chuckled.

„You‘d be right then, I‘ve never been religious. I don‘t think heaven exists - but for me, the drug made it real back then. A paradise, in the form of a powder that I could carry around wherever I went, bliss at my fingertips.“

He shook his head, exhaling through his nose. „Will you laugh at me if I tell you I felt superior in a way, to all the people who were not on my level, who were too scared to go to the lengths I was going to in order to be happy?“

Seonghwa hummed. His voice dropped lower.

„Here was the secret of happiness, about which philosophers had disputed for so many ages, at once discovered - happiness might now be bought for a penny, and carried in the waistcoat-pocket.“ 

His voice sounded reminiscent.

„Is that a quote?“

He hummed again. „The pleasures of opium. De Quincey already wrote about them back in the 20s. The 1820s that is. I remember reading his autobiography that he called his confessions in London Magazine, back when they came out, and rereading them many times since. He was a true genius.“

Hongjoong was taken aback for a second. Sometimes the reminders of how long Seonghwa had been alive, how much life experience he had, how much knowledge, really took him off guard. How tiny Hongjoong must have seemed to him, his life a mere breath compared to his infinity.

„What are you thinking about?“

Hongjoong looked into his eyes. How much they must have seen. How many decades, centuries of time to find his own bliss, his personal paradise.

He scoffed. „That I’m sorry to break this to you, but this De Quincey guy was full of bullshit. At least he was definitely never really an addict, or he wouldn‘t have written something so optimistic.“

He thought back to the end. How quickly fate had turned.

„Because every addict one day reaches the point where all of it comes crumbling down around you“, he explained. „When you remember you haven’t looked in the mirror for weeks, and when you finally do, a corpse is staring back at you. And you realize that your paradise was just artificial after all.“

Seonghwa‘s face was unreadable. Was it pity he saw in it? Wonder, how it would feel like? The one thing he could never experience, not in all his years and years of being, having to read about the confessions and listen to the anecdotes of someone who had?

„I would not, by the way“, Seonghwa eventually said, breaking eye contact and looking out at the city, his voice as unreadable as his face.

„What do you mean?“

„Laugh at you. For thinking you were superior back then. It is not funny. It is tragic, the fact that the world brought you to that point.“

Hongjoong frowned.

„But I was dumb. Naive.“

„You were not naive. You were just looking for what we all deserve. A shortcut to heaven. Paradise.“

Hongjoong didn‘t know what to say, had not expected the conversation to get to where they were.

„Do you believe in it? Heaven?“, he asked after a while. 

„I have done my fair share of thinking about it, back when I was studying the philosophers a bit too extensively. That is actually where I got my PhD from.“

„What, really?“, he said. „Dr. of philosophy Park Seonghwa. God, that sounds pretentious.“

Seonghwa chuckled. „Yeah, I know. If I had known how much Yeosang would bother me with it, I would have never handed in the thesis.“

His smile faded again quickly, a somber look replacing it.

„I went to university for philosophy twice actually, in two different centuries, thinking maybe great minds would have come up with answers in the meantime. It was eating me up, the need to know what comes after. If heaven was a place, or just something humans made up to dull the fear of the unknown.“

„What conclusion did you come to?“

Seonghwa hummed silently, seemingly in thought. „I never found an answer. I eventually decided to stop thinking about something that will never concern me anyway.“

„You think you will never die?“

„Oh I eventually will“, he said, so casually as if he were talking about the weather tomorrow. „There are ways to kill a vampire and I do not think I will make it to infinity without that ever happening. I don‘t think I want to.“

Hongjoong looked at him questioningly.

„But if there is a place like heaven, theologists and philosophers alike seem to agree on the fact that the door to it is sealed for people like me who do not have a soul.“

The thought was irrational to Hongjoong.

Heaven, sealed for Seonghwa?

The supposed place where justice was served, where the ones who had lived a good and kind life would eventually find their reward, without the man he was looking at just now? Who had been nothing but that to him - good and kind?

He shook his head in disbelief. „You really think you have no soul?“

„So I‘ve been told. Maybe that is the reason drugs do not work on my kind. Some philosophers and literates who theorized about altered states of consciousness associated them closely with the soul. That is where the word psychedelic comes from - it literally means epiphany of the soul. What if I cannot have that epiphany, because one needs a soul to reach it?“

His words make Hongjoong‘s head spin. It made sense, his words formed a coherent train of thought he was able to follow - but it felt so, so wrong. It could never be true, not even if all philosophers who had ever lived agreed on it.

„And you believe that? That if there is a place like heaven - you will not have the ability to go?“, he asked.

„I have yet to see evidence that I do.“ 

His voice resonated with resignation. Not sadness - more indifference. Acceptance.

Hongjoong sighed and leaned back, looking at the sky above them and letting silence spread between the two of them.

It was Seonghwa who eventually broke it.

„What are you thinking?“, he asked yet again. He seemed to wonder about that a lot today.

Hongjoong dropped his head to look at him. „That you and this De Quincey guy seem to have something in common.“

„And what would that be?“

„You both obviously have no idea what you‘re talking about.“

Seonghwa finally smiled, but it did not reach his eyes. 

„De Quincey‘s confessions actually had a second part, you know? It was almost twice the length of the first if I remember correctly, and very very vivid.“

„What was it called?“, Hongjoong asked, even though he already knew the answer by the way Seonghwa was looking at him.

„The Pains of Opium. He was an addict all his life. But his shortcut to heaven never seemed to last him very long. His paradise was artificial after all.“

Chapter Text

Hongjoong never admitted it, but he often looked at San and Wooyoung in wonder. 

It wasn't like he was missing anything in his life - he had more than he had ever even dreamt to attain. A home, a job, friends that he considered more his family than he ever had his blood relatives. 

And yet, when Hongjoong sometimes accompanied the two of them on the dates that they never named as such - never named anything they had - he felt a twinge inside of him. When they went out for dinner or ice cream, or fed the ducks at the river, or simply went to get groceries together. 

They always made sure to include Hongjoong. Never tried to make him feel like he was a third wheel. 

But still, when he watched the two of them, there was always a yearning for what they shared. 

It shouldn't have worked this well with them. Not with who they were. 

Wooyoung who was loud and took over every room he entered, no filter and no care in the world. And San, who had been through so much, who was timid and so fragile sometimes, Hongjoong feared a wrong word would break him apart. 

And yet, when they were together, they were so… tender. 

A bond, like they didn't have to speak to know what the other needed in the moment. 

And something inside of Hongjoong, something he couldn't explain or rationalize, was longing for the same.

Hongjoong had been there before - he had loved someone, back in his old life. 

At least he had made himself believe so at that time. 

A girl with nice hair and big eyes and a tattoo on her forearm that read love kills slow . 

She hadn‘t been his dealer per se, although the lines had been blurry back then. They were always blurry in that world - dealer or lover, act of affection or unspoken exchange for goods, consciousness or high, life or survival. 

Whoever she had really been to him, one thing was clear: she always had the cleanest drugs, the ones that hit the hardest and had the least amount of other stuff mixed under them to stretch the batch - and more importantly, she had a steady supply of it. 

And as long as they were together, that supply was Hongjoong’s to use as well.  

She had been working under someone, selling drugs to finance her own addiction. And she soon introduced Hongjoong to that person too, coaxing him into breaking his one resolve: to never sell to other people.  

He had loved her. He had truly believed that he did. 

Now he knew better. It was not only that he now knew he wasn‘t attracted to women in general, not in the slightest. Looking back, he had just been too far gone to love anyone who wasn‘t the needle in his arm and the poison in his veins. 

The girl and the drug had melted together in his mind to become inseparable. Like the individual grains of the powder that melted into each other to form a uniform liquid on his spoon when the heat of the fire from his lighter underneath became strong enough, only to become sucked up into the syringe and later enter his bloodstream. 

To register in his mind as the closest thing to love he would ever be allowed to experience. 

It had ended when one day the supply did eventually run low and Hongjoong panicked and used up the last batch they had while she was out trying to secure a new deal. 

She had tried to stab him with a kitchen knife when she found out. He still had the scar on his back where the blade had been pressed between his shoulders, deep into his flesh. 

Love kills slow. 

How ironic.

Or maybe not ironic after all. He hadn’t loved her, the one who could have taken his life in the blur of a moment. The love for the poison he put in his body on his own however, that had been the true love, and also the one to slowly drag him away from life. 

A knife in the back would have been much kinder.

✦

Wooyoung didn't even ask Hongjoong the next time he went to the club, just told him the day of that they would be going. 

"I know you won't say no, you only wanna see your pretty doctor again, am I right?", he joked, making a kissy face at him. 

Hongjoong punched him in the shoulder. 

"That is not true!" 

He was met with a raised eyebrow. "That extra low cut shirt you only ever bring out if you wanna look especially hot is telling a different story." 

"Oh shut up, or I'll tell San to leave your annoying ass."

"Pff, as if. Both of you would just drown in your own sulking without me", he said. 

And he kept mocking Hongjoong of course. Especially when he saw how his smile turned into a frown as they arrived at the club and Seonghwa was nowhere to be seen. 

He swallowed down his disappointment quickly and went to dance with Wooyoung, who was also still waiting for Yeosang. 

He wasn't here for Seonghwa. He was here to have fun - and he actually did, despite not having a single drop of alcohol in his system. The music was great and the people ecstatic, moving together on the floor. 

He still caught himself craning his neck from time to time to see if he could spot a certain familiar figure among them, his height making it almost impossible to see past the first row of people -  Wooyoung, nosy as always, of course catching him every time he did so and shooting him knowing looks. 

He decided to at least not stoop so low to ask Yeosang about Seonghwa's whereabouts when he eventually showed up. 

"I'll go get a drink", Hongjoong instead told them after a while, shouting over the music that was deafening on the dancefloor. 

Maybe he could subtly ask Mingi or Yunho about him without Wooyoung noticing. 

He made his way through the crowd, breaking through the wall of people near the bar. 

As he moved to get Yunho's attention, leaning on the black marble counter, he heard a female voice next to him. 

"Hey, don't pretend you're not here for the same thing as everyone else. You seem like you need it. Look, I haven't had any alcohol." 

The girl sounded annoyed, but there was a hint of desperation in her voice, as if she had been pestering this person for a while now. 

"Thank you for your offer, but my answer stands. I am certain you will find someone else more than willing to drink from you here." 

Hongjoong perked up when he heard the voice. 

"Oh come on, what do I need to do to get you to-" 

"Isn't it common knowledge by now that if someone says no, you should accept it?", Hongjoong interrupted her as he stepped up next to Seonghwa.

The words came out a bit rougher than intended, but it seemed like she needed to hear them. 

"Hongjoong", Seonghwa said, a surprised smile spreading across his face as he tilted his head back to look at him from where he sat. "There you are. I was afraid you wouldn't be here today."

The girl looked between them and then crossed her arms and scoffed. 

"Oh, that one is yours? Ugh, just say it if you already have someone to bite."

She turned on her heels and left in the direction of the crowd. 

"You're too nice to tell people off, aren't you?", Hongjoong asked, taking the seat beside Seonghwa. 

He noted that he was not even slightly uncomfortable with the knowledge that this girl now thought he belonged to Seonghwa in…that way. 

He shook his head. "I just do not wish to offend people who simply take an interest in something that is not unnatural to assume here." 

Hongjoong rolled his eyes, but decided not to argue with him.

"Did you… did you only say you were glad to see me because you knew that would scare her away?" 

He shook his head, smiling. "Is it so hard to believe I genuinely enjoy your presence?" 

Hongjoong coughed and hid his face to not show his shyness. 

When he looked up again, looked at Seonghwa properly for the first time tonight - he felt his smile drop. 

He looked - rough. Almost sick. 

He was still put together, his clothes black and well fitted as always. But he wasn't wearing any jewelry, and his hair was only halfway slicked back, as if he had run his fingers through the strands too many times. 

The way he was leaning on the counter was almost as if he would fall asleep any second, right then and there. And his hands were shaking - not only a slight tremor, but visibly so. 

"Is everything alright with you?"

He smiled at him weakly and nodded. "Just a long day at the clinic, that's all."

Hongjoong didn't believe him for a second, especially not as he saw Mingi and Yunho stop by their side of the bar constantly, shooting Seonghwa worried looks.

"Seriously, are you alright? You look… not too good", Hongjoong asked after he'd seen Seonghwa rub at his temple for the third time now, jaw clenched as he did so. 

He nodded. 

"I'm good, it's just…", he sighed. "Would it be overly selfish to rob you of a night of dancing and ask you to get out of here for a bit with me?" 

The question surprised Hongjoong. 

Why would he want to get away with Hongjoong of all people, especially after only just rejecting the company of someone else? 

But he did not hesitate one second, following Seonghwa across the floor and up the staircase, until they were in his private room again. 

Seonghwa seemed to relax as soon as they entered the room, especially after Hongjoong opened the balcony door wide to let some of the cool night air in. 

He was sitting on the sofa, head leaned back on the backrest, eyes shut. His jaw was still clenched, but less so than at the bar just now - and Hongjoong thought that he had never seen him with his guard down like this. 

Like he didn't have any energy to keep up the persona he was used to carrying with him. 

"Is that better?", he asked, sitting down at the far end of the sofa again, unsure if Seonghwa would be comfortable with anything more. 

Even when he wanted to pull him into a hug as he lay there, looking so pained. 

He nodded, eyes still closed. 

"It comes in waves. I just hit a somewhat bad one, and the music and people amplified it. I will be better tomorrow." 

Hongjoong didn't ask what was wrong. He wasn't dumb. 

"Why did you come here in the first place? If you weren't feeling well?" 

"Because I am a masochist apparently", he mumbled, quietly, as if it was not meant for Hongjoong's ears. 

He let his head fall to the side, looking at Hongjoong. 

"Yeosang had told me Wooyoung would come to visit him today. So I assumed - hoped - you would be accompanying him." 

A faint smile was on his lips. 

Hongjoong didn't know how to answer, just felt his face heat up at his words. 

"You have people lined up at the bar that want to talk to you. Why wait for me?" 

Seonghwa's chest was not moving again, he noted.

"The people at the bar do not interest me. As I have said before, I do enjoy your presence. You have an interesting perspective on life."

He had no answer to this, so he just leaned back as well, watching Seonghwa who had closed his eyes again. 

As they stayed like this, only the moonlight and the faint noise of the music filling the room around them, Seonghwa seemed to relax a bit. 

And Hongjoong's head spiraled. 

If he really thought about it, he did not know anything about the man besides him, he noted. He was a stranger really - who Hongjoong somehow felt like he could trust blindly. Who made him feel so calm. 

But who was Seonghwa really? 

He had so many questions that he had never been brave enough to actually ask, spilling his own past instead, all for Seonghwa to take.

"What are you thinking?", Seonghwa asked lowly, without opening his eyes. 

Was he able to sense Hongjoong was deep in thought? 

"I don't know if it's too personal to ask", he said. "I just - I have been curious…", Hongjoong hesitated. 

Seonghwa just hummed, leaning over to him a tiny bit. 

"How did you get turned?" 

He wanted to take back the words as soon as they fell over his lips, but Seonghwa did not seem to mind. 

Just opened his eyes that were now clouded over with - something. Reminiscence? Sadness? 

"I wish I had a clear answer for you. But the truth is, memories turn blurry over all these years. So blurry. I do not really remember who I was as a human. Just that I was very sick. Dying. The final pain is all that really lasts me from my past life."

He pressed his lips together. 

"My best guess is that some vampire took pity on me. Thought that for some reason, it was not my time to die yet."

Hongjoong sent him a smile. "I am glad they did." 

Seonghwa returned his smile, and while he still looked incredibly drained, it did reach his eyes. 

"Do you remember anything after? What was it like?" 

"Not much", he sighed, as if it frustrated him. "Just that I was confused. Lacking guidance. The one who had turned me did not stay by my side, so I had to figure things out by myself. And I… made mistakes."

Guilt crept over his face, like a mask. 

"What do you mean, mistakes?", Hongjoong whispered. 

"I… hurt people. I do not remember much of it, I do not know if it is because it was so long ago or if I actively tried to forget at some point in my life."

He shook his head quickly, as if to banish the memories. "The only thing I can remember from that time is the thirst. God, that thirst. I felt like the pain would turn me into an animal. I would have done anything to stop it." 

He exhaled shakily. 

And then he flinched. 

A pained groan escaping his clenched teeth, curling in on himself. 

"Seonghwa?"

Hongjoong immediately closed the gap between them, rushing to his side of the sofa.

His eyes were shut tight, a hand covering one side of his head, as if an especially strong migraine had struck him. 

"Seonghwa, what is wrong?", Hongjoong said, barely above a whisper, worry seeping through. 

He kneeled on the sofa beside him and reached out to pry his hand away from his face. Where Seonghwa's skin touched his, it was cold. 

And as if the touch had switched something in him, Seonghwa actually let his hand drop. Straightened up from his curled position. 

Slowly opened his eyes, unfocused for a moment. Wandering across the room, disoriented. Before they locked on Hongjoong, who now sat directly next to him, not even an inch separating their thighs. 

Seonghwa's gaze flickered down to his neck. And this time, the look was not fleeting, as if Hongjoong had imagined it, as it so often was. 

It stayed there. 

And as he inhaled, his chest raising properly for the first time tonight, Hongjoong swore he could see his pupils dilating. 

Like a cat on the hunt. 

Hongjoong found himself unable to move, frozen in place as Seonghwa swallowed, the tip of his tongue darting out to wet his lips. 

His heartbeat quickened slightly. Echoed in the vein that ran along his neck, his body heating up. 

A cold touch on his waist, Seonghwa's long, dainty fingers wrapping around the smallest part and pressing down into the flesh there. 

Hongjoong could barely hold back a gasp at the touch. 

The other hand found its place on Hongjoong's chest, fingers sprawled out above his heartbeat. 

Seonghwa leaned in, suddenly above Hongjoong, dark strands falling into his face. 

Hongjoong's body was acting on its own accord, frozen under Seonghwa's stare that was so, so intense. 

And as Seonghwa pushed at his chest, he followed the touch, letting him guide him until his back hit the sofa. 

Seonghwa looked dangerous as he leaned in over him, closing the gap. One thigh locked at each side of Hongjoong's hips, caging him in. 

Dangerous, and so so beautiful. 

When his chest pressed against Hongjoong's own, effectively pushing him into the cushions of the sofa, he felt his breath hitch. 

There was nothing but Seonghwa, taking up everything around him, as if the room had disappeared. 

He instinctively dropped his head to the side, exposing his neck. 

He felt dizzy. 

Breath on his skin. Just below his ear. It made a shiver run through his entire body, from the crown of his head to the tip of his toes. 

A gasp in the silence he couldn't hold back. 

Seonghwa's hair tickling his jaw. The feeling of a cold pair of lips against his pulse point, leaving goosebumps in their wake. 

The grazing of teeth, sharp like needles.

He closed his eyes, ready to feel a sharp pain there any second. 

And suddenly, without a warning, it was all gone. 

Only a gust of wind, and in the next moment, Hongjoong was alone on the sofa, head still arched backwards, the ghost of lips on his neck. 

His head kept spinning. 

When he looked up, Seonghwa was a few steps away, leaning against the door, with his back turned to him.

Hunched over. 

„I am so, so sorry, Hongjoong“, he said, still turned away. His voice was strained and his fists were clenched at his sides, trembling slightly. „I don’t know how I lost myself like that.“

Hongjoong was left sitting on the couch, panting. Only now did he notice how fast his heart was beating, his pulse racing in his ears - and probably in Seonghwa‘s as well. He was disoriented by how fast everything had happened.

His hand came up to his neck, touching it to see if Seonghwa had pierced the skin - but his fingers came back without a trace of blood on them.

„I'm - I'm okay.“, he said, his voice sounding breathless. "It's okay."

Seongha shook his head and let it fall. „It is not. It‘s inexcusable. I never - lose control like that.“

„I didn‘t…I don‘t mind.“

Hongjoong hugged his own chest that now felt so cold and weirdly empty without Seonghwa draped over it. 

He could still feel where his fingertips had been pressed into his waist. 

„Is it because you‘re…hungry? The low blood supply?“

Seonghwa hesitated for a moment. „In part, yes.“

Hongjoong waited for him to continue, drawing his legs up to his chest as well.

Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, Seonghwa spoke, but he still didn‘t face him.

„Do you remember when I told you about how vampires have different tastes? And how you wanted to ask me how your blood smells to me?“

Hongjoong nodded, even though Seonghwa could not see it. 

„You didn‘t answer.“

He sighed. „Do you want to know why I did not?“

Seonghwa finally turned around to him and his pupils looked huge in his eyes, almost like how Hongjoong remembered his own eyes looking whenever he had been staring into the mirror, right about to inject poison into his blood. 

Like a starving man. 

„Because it smells… you smell… addictive to me“, he said. Desperate. „Every single aroma in your blood, as if someone had mixed all my weak points together to tempt me. The irrational part of my brain wanted to drink from you the first time you showed up at the bank. I had to control myself to not just take the bags for myself, to think about the others who needed it.“

Hongjoong felt his face grow hot. He was definitely blushing, and by the way Seonghwa’s eyes were fixated on his neck, it was visibly affecting him.

His hands were trembling. 

He shook his head. "I am sorry for my dishonesty. I understand if you do not want to see me again." 

The thought alone was ridiculous to Hongjoong. If anything, it made him want to stay more. 

Help him ease the pain. 

„Why don’t you do it then? You’re obviously hungry, and I am right here?“

Seonghwa‘s eyes grew wide and he took a step back. He looked - almost offended. Angry. 

„Absolutely not. That is out of the question.“

Hongjoong got up from the sofa and stepped up to him, challengingly, not as close as they had been before, but close enough for Seonghwa to touch him were he to move his hand - or his lips.

“Why?“

Seonghwa shook his head. „Because that is not what I do anymore“, he hissed. 

„Why not? Why can't I help you?“

He let his head fall to the side, exposing his neck a tiny bit, and Seonghwa immediately grasped his shoulders, keeping him in place. His face was stern.

„No, Hongjoong“, he said firmly, and centuries of authority seemed to resonate in his words. „You have no idea what that entails. It can be very overwhelming. It has a toll on your body. And it is something you need to think and be very sure about, not just do in the spur of the moment. Only with someone you trust deeply.“

„I do trust you. And you need to drink. Look at yourself.“

He placed his hand on top of Seonghwa's. "I am right here." 

Seonghwa seemed to hold his breath, frozen in place and his eyes shut, as if it took all his strength not to give in. 

„Please, do not knowingly use my weakness against me, now that I have shared it with you.“

Hongjoong suddenly felt guilty. Seeing how much it seemed to pain him. How set he was on his resolve. 

„I‘m sorry“, he said.

Seonghwa sighed and all the lingering anger seemed to drop off him. He only looked exhausted now.

So deeply tired. 

„Don‘t be.“

„Just… promise me you will drink.“

He nodded. „I will. At another moment. From donated blood. Not here, not from you. Not when I am way too affected by you to make the right decisions right now.“

Hongjoong looked at him, pleading.

„Swear you will take care of yourself?“

Seonghwa nodded slowly.

„I will. I promise. But for tonight, I think it is better if I don't endanger you any further."

"You would never hurt me", Hongjoong said firmly and hoped his eyes would convey the same. "But it's your decision. I will leave you alone then if you want that."

Seonghwa frowned. "Were it any other night, I would offer to drive you home. But I do not think it would be wise to be in a confined space like that with you right now. Not when I'm-" 

His voice was shaky. He did not have to finish the sentence for Hongjoong to understand. 

"It's all good. I'll get a taxi for me and Woo." 

As he turned to leave the room, there was a slight brush of long dainty fingers on his wrist. 

Right over his pulse point. 

"Sleep well, Hongjoong. I'm sorry." 

His words were like his touch, barely a whisper, almost like he had imagined it. 

✦

Wooyoung had looked at Hongjoong suspiciously when he had come downstairs again - and who could blame him. Hongjoong's hair was probably tousled from where he had pressed his head into the sofa, and his face was most likely sporting an obvious blush. 

Wooyoung himself looked to be slightly inebriated again, pupils blown wide and unfocused, as if he was floating over the dancefloor, even though his hand was free from the obvious black X. 

He sometimes pressed his palm against his neck, not like it was hurting, but rather smiling every time he did so, his eyes clouding over the tiniest bit. 

And it awakened a curiosity in Hongjoong that felt impossible to swallow down. 

They both didn't say anything though. Hongjoong didn't ask about the bite and Wooyoung didn't ask where Hongjoong had been. 

Not as they danced, not as they made their way to the bar and had Mingi pour them Vodka shots. Not as they were in the taxi later that night, Wooyoung now definitely more than tipsy, having overcompensated for not being able to drink for half the evening by downing multiple shots in a row. 

When they separated at their apartment doors, Wooyoung sent him a knowing look. A half smirk. 

Wooyoung didn't bring it up until breakfast the next day. 

Hongjoong had groaned as Wooyoung had rang his doorbell five times in a row, way too early in the morning. 

Especially considering Hongjoong hadn't really slept. His mind constantly spiraling, coming back to what had happened in the backroom of the club. 

When he closed his eyes, he could almost feel Seonghwa pressing him into the sofa, chest on chest, his soft, cool lips dragging along the expanse of his neck. 

"Don't you have anywhere else to be or is it fun annoying me?", he complained, opening the door and letting him in. 

"Not you, don't worry San, you're always welcome", he added as he saw Wooyoung had him in tow. 

It made San's dimples pop out as he happily sat down at the counter, while Wooyoung rolled his eyes and mumbled something about double standards. 

"I'm hungover and we don't have any hangover food at home." 

"Since when am I your personal pantry?" 

"Oh shut up, I'm cooking for you as well alright." 

And that did actually make him shut up - dealing with Wooyoung robbed him off what was left of his sanity, but damn if the kid wasn't a good cook. 

"So, hyung", he started as they sat around some hangover soup a bit later. "You and your doctor seemed awfully close yesterday?" 

He grinned wide while chewing his food and Hongjoong sent him a death stare. 

"Wait, which doctor?", San chimed in excitedly. 

"The hot, brooding vampire doctor who works at the blood bank and who Hongjoong is completely whipped for." 

"I am not -" 

"Ooooh, the tall one I saw when I went with you that one time? He was so pretty. Are you dating?" 

Hongjoong groaned and hid his face in his hands. 

"We are not dating! We just ran into each other a couple of times and we chat at the club whenever we do." 

"Is that why you went to the private rooms with him yesterday?", Wooyoung said with an all knowing grin and it took Hongjoong's entire willpower not to punch him. 

"It's not what it looks like", he said - probably the most suspicious thing he could have. 

"Wait, does that mean he's drinking from you?", San said, his tone a bit hesitant like he didn't know what to do with the information. 

"I said it's not what it looks like!" 

"Do you like him?", San asked.

"No - not in that way! He's just nice and he helped me calm down when I was anxious." 

"That's good isn't it? I bet he likes you, he seemed so happy to see you at the blood bank!"

Wooyoung sat there looking content with the chaos he had caused. 

"I think I know what the issue is", he said, pointing his chopsticks at him. 

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow. 

"You just need to get laid." 

"Wooyoung!", Hongjoong shouted. "I don't need to get laid. If I want to, I can just go to one of these college parties you always wanna drag me to."

He was fully capable of picking someone up if he wanted to, thank you very much. He was just busy. 

Wooyoung shrugged. "Whatever you say, hyung."

"Okay, conversation over!", Hongjoong declared and started cleaning up their empty bowls. 

San got up from his chair. "I should get going anyways, I bet the cats are hungry. Byeol always waits in front of the doors these days." He smiled. "She is so cute." 

And how softly he said it even made Hongjoong's morning grogginess almost disappear. 

After he left, Wooyoung surprisingly stayed and helped wash the dishes - something he usually unceremoniously dumped on him after invading his apartment. 

Hongjoong tried to concentrate on the task at hand, but his mind kept flashing back to yesterday. 

Seonghwa's teeth at his neck. His blown wide pupils. The hypnotizing effect all of it had had on Hongjoong. 

Wooyoung would know what it felt like. 

He tried to ignore it, but he was so curious . 

"Hey Woo", he started, not looking up from his dishes. 

"What's up?" 

He opened his mouth, but immediately closed it again, shaking his head. 

"Nevermind." 

He shoved him with his shoulder. "Come on, tell meee!" 

He hesitated. "I was just… curious." 

Wooyoung smirked. "What about?", he asked, but his tone indicated he had an idea. 

"Okay, before I ask - this has absolutely nothing to do with Seonghwa, okay? It's a general question."

"Yeah sure. Whatever you say. Now finally spit it out, hyung."

Hongjoong sighed. "What does it feel like? You know, when Yeosang drinks from you?" 

He grinned at him. "Finally! I thought you'd never ask. I saw how curious you were." 

"Will you make me regret asking?" 

"Okay, okay!", he said. "Hmm, how do you describe it?" 

He put away a bowl. "The moment he bites down of course hurts a bit, but then it only takes a second for the venom to hit you. And when it does, it's just so cathartic." 

Hongjoong was scrubbing at a dish. 

"Cathartic how?" 

"Well it's like - you get super floaty, a lot like being high, like everything gets tuned out around you. It's different for everyone but I personally get super relaxed and euphoric at the same time, even though that shouldn't work. If I worry about something or I'm jumpy or anything, it immediately takes the edge off and it holds on for a while after, too. Honestly, I think you could use it. With your anxiety and everything, to tune all that shit out for a bit."

Hongjoong furrowed his brow. 

"That sounds… I don't know." 

"Yeah I know, it sounds scary, the whole high thing, but the venom doesn't have any addictive properties at all Yeosang told me, and I can totally confirm it. It's just, such an insane feeling, and as long as you trust the person it's super safe."

As long as you trust the person. 

Hongjoong trusted Seonghwa, he thought, then immediately shook his head. This was not what any of this was about. It was not about him and Seonghwa. 

"I've heard it can be… overwhelming", he asked, Seonghwa's warnings in mind. 

Wooyoung nodded. "Yeah, the physical side of it can be very intense, that's true. But everyone deals with it differently." 

He was smiling suspiciously and Hongjoong decided it was better not to ask any more. 

He had already seemingly given Wooyoung enough satisfaction by approaching him about it in the first place. 

"So, this is totally not about Seonghwa?", he grinned. 

"I already said it wasn't", Hongjoong snapped. "He doesn't… do that stuff anyways." 

"So I've heard from Yeosang", he said. "Apparently he's pretty repressed. It would be a shame if someone were to corrupt him."

Hongjoong kicked him out at that, his cheeks flaming and head spinning. 

He definitely wasn't thinking about Seonghwa's face buried in his neck. 

And yet, every time he touched his neck that day, he swore he could feel the ghost of cold lips and sharp teeth there, right at his pulse point. 

Chapter Text

The bucket list had started out as just one of these dumb exercises they had them do in therapy. 

The sessions had been frustrating. Exhausting. 

How are you today? How would you describe your current emotional state? 

I don‘t know. Nothing. I don‘t feel anything, I can‘t remember the last time I have. Do people really have emotions or do we all just pretend and put up a smile or a frown or a pained expression whenever we see appropriate in order to hold up the illusion that we do? 

The drugs had made Hongjoong burn through his scope of emotions in record time, sometimes all at once and way too intensely, so that it made him feel like a matchstick that burst into flames only to be left as crumbling ashes, never to be lit again. 

Ash on the concrete.

Even worse than the questions though were the tasks they gave him. 

Write down your thoughts. Keep a diary. Come up with five things you like about yourself until tomorrow. Make a bucket list of things you want to achieve in your life after the drugs.

The last one had been a task given to all of them during a group session. 

Hongjoong‘s stare had met San‘s across the room. He had looked just as lost as Hongjoong had felt. 

Plans? A life after drugs? That was nothing he had ever wasted a thought on, convinced it would never even be a possibility.

As he lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling that was illuminated by his bedside lamp under which he had tried to come up with something - anything - he noted again how empty he felt. 

A burnt matchstick. No purpose anymore, useless. 

He tried desperately to find an emotion within himself, anything except for anger or fear, because he had plenty of those, every addict did. 

But he only found ashes.

And he picked up the list that lay there on the bedside table and scribbled the first note on it.

Feel something again.

Back then he hadn‘t known how long it would take to cross it off again, but if you had asked him, he probably would have said he never would.

It was not until over a year later, he and San sitting together around their small kitchen table in their first shared apartment after leaving the facility. 

It was a crammed and run down space, barely large enough for one of them, let alone both, but it was theirs. Paid for by an actual job, not stolen or drug money. 

San‘s face was lit up by a candle on the shitty chocolate cake Hongjoong had tried to bake for him, because he hadn't been able to afford to buy one.

There was a big, crooked 1 on it in hot pink frosting. 

One year of sobriety for San. 

The day of Hongjoong's own anniversary some months prior had come and gone without him taking much notice of it. It had just been a day like any other. 

But this was different. 

As San blew out his candle and closed his eyes to make a wish, his dimples on full display and hair a halo around his head - Hongjoong felt something strange in his chest. An unfamiliar sensation, almost choking him. 

"Hyung, what's wrong?", San had asked after he had opened his eyes again. 

That's when Hongjoong noticed a burning sensation behind his eyes, something blurry clouding his vision despite the wide smile on his face.

He shook his head in disbelief. 

"Nothing, I just, I am feeling-" 

San looked worried. 

"What do you feel, Hyung?" 

He pressed a palm against his eyes that were suddenly damp. 

"I - I don't know. But I am feeling ." 

And that was a miracle in itself. 

The goal on the very top of his list had been crossed out that very same day, one of the many that it was made up of. 

Hongjoong was looking at the crossed out words now, just as he did every morning, where they were stuck to his fridge. 

San's list was next to his, and the fact that he had left it here even though he didn't actually live in the apartment anymore, that he came back to cross out every single goal together with Hongjoong when he reached it - it touched him. 

Just as the words San had written on the bottom of his list in big bold letters. 

If Hongjoong can do it, so can you. 

He smiled, looking at them, and his eyes flickered back to his own list. 

Give back. 

He traced the faded scar on his wrist. 

Seeing the words with a bold line through them didn't feel right somehow. They hadn't for a while now. 

Not when he thought back to Seonghwa's pained form, back at the club. To how much he had seemed to suffer. 

And all of a sudden, giving back felt pointless, if it wasn't to Seonghwa. 

✦

It was impossible not to note Seonghwa‘s absence the days and weeks following the incident at the club - it was as if he had vanished off the face of the earth.

Hongjoong tried not to look for him, not to go to his table at the library late at night only to be met with disappointment when the spot under the moonlight was empty, the strange assortment of books unmoved yet again.

Tried not to crane his neck when he went to club Utopia with Wooyoung the following weekend to see if there was a familiar figure sitting at the black marble bar, chatting with Mingi and Yunho.

Tried his damn hardest to bite his tongue and not ask the barkeepers or Jongho about his whereabouts.

It was none of his concern where he was. Seonghwa didn‘t owe him his company, owed him nothing. They were not even friends - just strangers that had gotten too comfortable with each other, comfortable enough to spill the thoughts that had plagued them.

But Hongjoong couldn‘t stop himself from worrying about Seonghwa.

At night he lay awake, his mind flashing back to how drained he had looked - how much pain he had seemed to be in even though he had denied it.

And the worst part was, Hongjoong knew he could help him. Could be the one to put him out of his self-imposed misery, the pain Seonghwa inflicted upon himself only because he was too stubborn to let anyone else suffer.

And he also knew that that was the exact reason he was avoiding him.

Because it was obvious that that‘s what he was doing.

Hongjoong should have left it at that. Should have let him be, let him live by what he thought to be the right choices, his morale. 

He knew it.

And yet, one day he found himself in front of the blood bank again, even though he had sworn to himself to go straight back home after his university lecture.

„Mr. Kim, it is great to have you back!“, the woman at the register greeted him. Hongjoong could just think that either she was very good at her job, or the situation was very dire if he had only been here twice and she could still recognize him among the donors.

„Are you here to donate?“, she asked, a smile on her face.

Hongjoong felt a twinge of guilt as he saw the disappointment take over as he shook his head, even though she tried to hide it.

„Actually I am here to speak to Yeosang if he is here?“

She seemed confused for a moment but then put on her customer service smile again, pressing a button and speaking something into the walkie-talkie looking device attached to her collar.

„He should be here any moment. Do you want somewhere private to talk to him?“

He nodded. „If that‘s alright?“

She directed him to a small office space connected to the waiting room which only seemed to store files and other paperwork.

He made himself comfortable, leaning against the desk, when only a moment later, Yeosang stepped in. 

It was almost strange seeing him in his professional work attire again, after seeing him at the club so many times during the past weeks, always dressed in black, well fitted clothes and makeup on his face.

„Hongjoong“, Yeosang greeted him, voice hesitant. „I was wondering how long it would take you to show up here.“

He closed the door behind him and leaned against it.

„Though I must say I did not expect that I would be the one you would come here asking for.“

At least Yeosang looked well, he noted. No hint of shadows under his eyes and an upright posture and Hongjoong found himself being glad he and Wooyoung had each other.

He hated to see people in pain.

„Is he here?“

Yeosang hesitated, but then nodded. „He is working on some files in the back.“

„Am I right to assume he wouldn’t come out to talk to me if I asked you right now to call him?“

His voice was neutral, as if it didn’t concern him, but Yeosang still frowned.

„Hongjoong, please know that it has nothing to do with you personally. You did nothing to upset him. It is just-“

„Oh I know“, he interrupted. „I‘m not here because my feelings are hurt or because I want an explanation or any of that.“

That seemed to surprise him.

„You don‘t want to talk to him?“

Hongjoong shook his head. „I want to talk to you . Or more concretely, I want to ask you something.“

He raised an eyebrow. „And what would that be?“

„Will you promise to answer me honestly?“

He didn‘t say anything for a moment, but then nodded. „I will try.“

„Is it painful to go without drinking for too long?“

Silence, for a moment.

„Have you never asked Seonghwa about this?“

„I want to hear it from you.“

Yeosang sighed, avoiding Hongjoong‘s eyes.

„It is not harmful per se. You can go without it for a while without any issues, and it does get easier to deal with with age. It is also easier to cut off blood bags than if you’re used to exclusively drinking from the source directly.“

He shifted his weight. „But in any case, if you push your limits, if you go too long without any blood… I would be lying if I said it wasn‘t painful.“

„How painful?“

Yeosang still avoided his eyes.

„It depends. Physically it can be excruciating - paralyzing sometimes, almost like withdrawal symptoms. But even worse is the mental side of it. You find yourself unable to think of anything else after a while, almost having to isolate yourself to not… lose yourself in extreme cases.“

Hongjoong took a moment to digest the information.

Almost like withdrawal symptoms.

He knew the feeling too well. Suddenly could put a name on the tremors that had shaken Seonghwa‘s hands. 

„Is that what Seonghwa is doing now?“, he eventually asked.

Yeosang finally looked at him again, face full of concern. „Hongjoong, there is nothing I can do, or anyone for that matter. I tried talking to him, we all have, but I have known him for decades, centuries - his altruism has brought him to similar points before. He refuses to take the blood bags, because he is convinced others need them more.“

So he had been right. Seonghwa was still starving himself, had still not taken care of himself despite his promise he had made to Hongjoong at the club.

„That was all I needed to hear.“

His voice was firm as he spoke next. „I will have to ask you for a favor, Yeosang.“

✦

The room had always been quiet, tucked away from the rest of the club and the rest of the world. The base of the music sounded so dull through the walls, and the cars and noise of the city were only audible if he opened the balcony window.

But it had never been as quiet as it was now, as Hongjoong sat on the sofa all alone.

It was strange going to Utopia without Wooyoung. He hadn’t even told him he would be going today, had instead said he would work on an assignment in the library.

But he also wasn’t here to dance or to drink - he was here for a reason.

Hongjoong’s leg was bouncing up and down nervously as he didn’t know what to do with himself, didn’t know what to anticipate.

He wasn‘t sure how long he sat there, playing with the key in his hands, for a moment even concerned it wouldn‘t work, that he wouldn‘t come.

But then, after a while, the door to his right eventually opened.

Only the slight creaking of the wood announced another presence entering the room.

And when Hongjoong looked up, he was actually there. His back pressed against the now closed door, only the moonlight illuminating his silhouette, a shadow draped over his face like a veil.

„What are you doing here, Hongjoong?“

Hongjoong just raised the key he had been playing with.

„Yeosang“, he simply said, the name enough of an explanation, and Seonghwa sighed, seemingly collapsing into himself where he stood.

„I thought I had smelled you at the bank a couple of days ago. Though back then I was convinced it was only my delusional brain playing tricks on me, trying to come up with temptations.“

Hongjoong couldn‘t see his face, but judging from his posture and how incredibly tired his voice sounded, he hadn‘t gotten better.

He had gotten worse.

„You really should not be here right now, Hongjoong. This is careless.“

„Both of us are here now. So will you please sit down with me for a bit?“, Hongjoong asked.

And to his surprise, Seonghwa didn‘t say anything, just nodded, as if he didn‘t have any energy left in his body to fight with him. And he actually stepped into the moonlight.

As he sat down next to Hongjoong, as far away as the sofa allowed, chest unmoving again, Hongjoong had to suppress a gasp.

Seonghwa had never looked so… dead before. So little like a human. 

He was white as a sheet, as if his body didn‘t have a drop of blood in it, and the shadows under his eyes had gone from a purple to almost the color of his hair that fell into his face uncombed. His eyelids dropped every couple of seconds, as if he was close to drifting to sleep, and he had his hands pressed in between his thighs, probably to stop them from trembling.

And yet, despite everything, he was so, so beautiful.

„God, Seonghwa, you-“, he started, but Seonghwa just shook his head. 

„You don‘t have to say anything. I know. I can deal with it.“

Hongjoong frowned. „You obviously can‘t. Look at yourself!“

„It‘s necessary. I just want to help.“

Hongjoong felt anger bubble up inside of him. „But your suffering is not helping anyone. I talked to Yeosang. He said you are completely out of it for most of the day. How do you expect to run a bank, to help people, if you can‘t even stay awake to do your job?“

He didn‘t seem to have an answer for this, just stared at the carpet under his feet. Guilt fell over his face like a shadow.

„I just want to do the right thing, you know Hongjoong? I just want my conscience to stay clean. To stick to my resolves. Is that too much to ask?“

He sounded desperate. Lost.

Hongjoong didn‘t know what to answer, so he let silence fall between them. Waited for Seonghwa to break it, but after a while it became obvious he wouldn‘t.

Hongjoong inhaled, the words already on his tongue, no way of holding them back.

„Why don‘t you drink from people anymore, Seonghwa?“, he asked, voice quiet. 

Seonghwa just furrowed his brow, as if the answer was hard to grasp for him.

„Is it because you are afraid their blood isn‘t clean?“, Hongjoong continued. „Because you know my blood tests, you have probably done them yourself.“

His head shot up.

„What are you implying?“

„You already know. Nothing has changed from last time.“

„And nothing has changed for me. Do not be reckless, Hongjoong, just because you pity me.“

„What is the reason?“, he repeated.

Seonghwa shook his head. „It is not what you said. It is not that I am scared of what the blood might do to me.“

„What is it then?“

He seemed pained - not the same pain that had shot through his body last time, had made him curl into himself. It was as if it was his mind that was plaguing him.

„It is…the guilt. I can‘t stand it. I know what presence our kind can have, what effect we have on humans. The thought of luring someone in, of taking advantage of someone who has no idea what they are getting into, of using someone“, he pinched the bridge of his nose, „I have done it so many times. And the guilt is still eating me up. I just, can‘t do it again.“

„But I am not those people“, Hongjoong said. „You are not using me. I am offering it to you.“

And despite Seonghwa‘s warning glare, Hongjoong moved, scooted over so he now sat next to him. Not near enough that their bodies touched, but near enough that Seonghwa would be able to reach out to him if he chose to do so.

He visibly froze up at the sudden proximity.

„I talked to Wooyoung“, Hongjoong continued. „And to Yeosang. I know the implications. I know what it entails physically and mentally. And you know what most stuck out to me, out of everything that they told me?“

Seonghwa finally met his stare, his eyes so dark and deep, and so, so tired. As if he was close to breaking his resolve.

„They told me that if I were to do it with anyone, it would have to be a person I trusted.“

He reached out, slowly, as if Seonghwa was a wild animal that would flinch and run away at any quick movement. Let his hand rest on Seonghwa‘s thigh.

„I trust you, Seonghwa. Do you trust me ?“

It was hard to read what was going through Seonghwa‘s head at that. His face only displayed conflict. An inner fight, trickling through to the outside, like rain though the broken roof of a trailer.

„There is something I need to ask you first“, he eventually said. 

Hongjoong perked up at that.

„Anything.“

He stared at Hongjoong‘s hand, where it was resting on his thigh. „Do you remember the first time you were at the blood bank? And you were so set on doing this, almost like something depended on it.“

Hongjoong nodded.

„You said you owed this to someone. What did you mean by that?“

Instinctively Hongjoong‘s eyes flickered to his wrist, the one he had rested on Seonghwa. The scar he knew was still there, even if he couldn‘t see it anymore.

He bit his lip as recollection hit him.

„A long time ago, one of you - a vampire - saved my life. Gave me another chance, a last one, after I had messed up one too many times. I always felt like I owed them something in return. To make up for it, in at least some way. Giving blood to some of you was the only way I could think of that felt at least somewhat right.“

Seonghwa nodded, like he had been expecting the answer and yet was somehow disappointed by it.

„Is this your way of paying back? Are you only offering this to me because you feel obligated to do so? Because you feel indebted to the one that saved your life back then?“

He looked at him, with agency in his eyes. „Because I will not use you to help you cover a debt to a faceless person.“

Hongjoong shook his head. „The debt was paid when I first came to the bank. I crossed the words off the list weeks ago. I am here because I want this. I want you to drink from me.“

At that, something in Seonghwa‘s face seemed to change. 

He seemed - hesitant. But not as stern as he just had looked.

Slowly, he lifted one of his hands and reached out to touch Hongjoong‘s, the whisper of his fingers on Hongjoong‘s wrist, cold as ice. Turning it around, swiping his thumb over the scar there.

Was he able to see it? Or was he just feeling Hongjoong‘s pulse, the blood that was rushing through the veins under the paper thin skin right there?

„You have summoned me in a weak moment, Kim Hongjoong“, he said quietly. Almost as if he had given up. Resigned.

„Are you really sure about this? Do I have your consent to do this?“

And as he looked into Hongjoong‘s eyes, it was so intense, so much burning behind these dark eyes of his that he would never be able to decipher. 

Hongjoong could only swallow, nodding slowly.

„Yes“, he whispered. „Please.“

Seonghwa sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. 

„Okay“, he said. 

Hongjoong‘s eyes widened at that.

„But not much“, he added. „Only what is absolutely necessary.“

„Drink as much as you need, Seonghwa. There is no need for you to suffer any more than you already do.“

His thumb pressed into Hongjoong‘s pulse point for a second, and then he let him go.

And he nodded.

„Can you lean back for me please? Against the back of the sofa?“

God, was this actually happening?

His pulse immediately started to race.

Hongjoong moved to do so, his back sinking into the deep red cushions there.

„Just like that“, Seonghwa said, turning to him. „Just breathe normally, try to relax.“

Was he able to hear his heart beating faster, the nervous anticipation running through his veins all the way into his fingertips?

Seonghwa turned his torso towards him, towering over him slightly in Hongjoong’s reclined position, but kept his distance. Took Hongjoong‘s wrist again, brushing over the pulse point. Brought it up to his face and slowly inhaled.

He gasped at that, sounding desperate.

„Is it…“, Hongjoong started but got distracted by the way Seonghwa closed his eyes, seemingly lost in the sensation as he inhaled again, his nose brushing Hongjoong‘s skin.

He hummed.

„Is the wrist really the easiest place to take blood from?“

Seonghwa opened his eyes at that, lowering Hongjoong‘s arm.

„It is simply how I used to do it for a while. It ensures a certain… professional distance one might say. It will not be as overwhelming for you, and easier to pull away if it becomes too much.“

Hongjoong‘s mind went back to the last time he had been on his sofa, in a similar position. Just that Seonghwa had acted purely on instincts back then as it had seemed, not through reason, body draped over him, chest pressed against each other.

And suddenly the distance they had between himself and Seonghwa now made him feel empty.

„But is it the easiest spot for you to drink from?“, he repeated.

Seonghwa hesitated but shook his head. „The best access is on the - on the neck. It is a larger vein. But it is not necessary, really. I assumed it would be… too much.“

And as much as Seonghwa tried to keep his voice neutral, his eyes betrayed him as Hongjoong saw them flickering to his neck longingly, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

„Drink from my neck then“, Hongjoong breathed.

Seonghwa laid his wrist down on the cushions. „Are you sure?“

Hongjoong nodded.

„Lie down then“, Seonghwa said. „Just like-“

„Like last time?“

„Yes.“ 

Hongjoong didn‘t miss how Seonghwa’s voice trembled in the effort to keep it controlled.

He slid down so he was laying on the sofa, his head on the armrest, and focused on his breathing, on relaxing his tense muscles, just as Seonghwa had said.

„Perfect, you‘re doing so well“, Seonghwa whispered as he moved to hover over him. The praise rushed straight into Hongjoong‘s head, making him feel hot and dizzy.

Seonghwa‘s knees were on each side of Hongjoong‘s hips again, almost straddling him, but without any pressure, more like he was trying to keep as much distance as possible in their position. 

Hongjoong felt so small as Seonghwa was leaning in over him, intimidatingly beautiful like something only a dream could have conjured up. His stare focused on Hongjoong‘s neck.

„Take my hand“, he said, holding out his own. „Press down if it becomes too much or if you want me to stop. I will not ask why, and draw back immediately.“

Seonghwa‘s hand was cold as Hongjoong interlaced their fingers, placing them next to his head. He felt the trembles through it that went through Seonghwa‘s body.

He looked him in the eyes, as if he was searching for something - doubt maybe, or the last instance of consent.

„Do it“, Hongjoong said.

And at that, he leaned down, lowered his body onto Hongjoong‘s until their chests were almost touching.

Hongjoong instinctively let his head fall to the side as soon as he felt Seonghwa‘s hair tickle his chin to give him access.

Offering himself up to him completely.

He was so close so suddenly, all over him and around him, and Hongjoong was in a trance, just like the last time he had been in this situation. Like his body was aching for this, to give Seonghwa whatever he needed.

A cold pair of lips brushed against his neck and Hongjoong couldn‘t suppress a gasp that resonated in the silence of the room.

And as Seonghwa inhaled, right there, his face tucked into Hongjoong‘s neck, a sound escaped his throat. Almost a growl, vibrating deep inside his chest. 

And it did things to Hongjoong, the thought that just the smell of his blood made him react like this, tense up above him, knees tightening around Hongjoong‘s hips.

His lips connected with his neck again, tender, almost like a kiss, and as his tongue darted out to lick a stripe up his vein that ran along the expanse of it, a traitorous moan snuck its way past Hongjoong‘s lips.

This only seemed to spur Seonghwa on further, a similar growl coming from within his chest that was suddenly pressed against Hongjoong‘s own, encompassing him completely.

Sharp teeth at his neck, running up and down the same spot his tongue had just been tracing, but not quite breaking the skin. 

For a few seconds, the world stood still, as none of them moved. None of them dared to. Only electricity filling the room around them.

And in the next moment, a sharp pain.

Fangs piercing Hongjoong‘s neck, like needles. Opening up his skin.

Hongjoong instinctively flinched, almost pressing down on Seonghwa‘s hand that was still interlaced with his as the pain hit him, the urge to get away too strong for a moment.

And then it was all gone.

The pain, drained from his body, along with everything else - his anxiousness, his spiraling thoughts, disappearing, like they had never existed.

And in their place stepped the most intense pleasure he had ever felt. 

Filled Hongjoong‘s entire body. Washed over him like a wave, drenching him from the crown of his head into his fingertips, reaching every inch of him.

The burning sensation in his neck forgotten, as there was only the pleasure and Seonghwa, the only two things filling up his mind, the only two things that mattered. 

The sharp fangs buried in his flesh were suddenly grounding and Hongjoong felt his free hand come up involuntarily, burying itself in Seonghwa‘s dark locks to keep him in place. To pull him in further as he sucked at his neck, bodies pressed against another.

Only faintly did he register his own gasps that filled the air, and Seonghwa‘s growls.

Hongjoong was floating, not really connected to his body. His head was spinning and time stretched out in front of him, impossible to pinpoint. 

Was it seconds that passed? Minutes? Days?

It didn‘t matter, as long as the pleasure lasted, that incredible feeling that pumped through his veins.

And then, much too soon, it subsided.

Another sharp sensation in his neck as Seonghwa pulled his fangs from the flesh, making Hongjoong hiss. But it was soothed a moment after as he licked over it, his tongue taking the pain away in its wake.

Hongjoong blinked, disoriented. 

His eyes darting around the room that was spinning around him, until they found Seonghwa, who had straightened up, still straddling Hongjoong, his fingers interlaced with his, but no longer pressing him into the sofa.

And as he looked up at him - how beautiful and dangerous he looked, his fangs glistening in the moonlight, a small trickle of blood in the corner of his plump lips - it awakened something in Hongjoong.

Almost as if the effect of the bite was still there, but shifted a bit.

„Do you feel alright?“, Seonghwa asked, his voice incredibly deep. 

And Hongjoong had the sudden urge to pull him down again at that. To take those lips in between his own, taste his blood on them. To grind up into Seonghwa as he was straddling him like this.

He blinked to get his mind under control, his breathing fast.

What was he thinking all of a sudden? What was all of this?

Seonghwa too was breathing hard, glancing down Hongjoong‘s body.

And only now did Hongjoong notice how hot he felt, sensitive all over. And how his pants were suddenly overly tight.

His eyes flickered down to his groin, where Seonghwa had been looking as well.

And that was when he saw how hard he was.

He groaned as he pulled his hand from Seoghwa’s and draped the arm over his face to hide the blush.

„Do not be embarrassed“, Seonghwa said, voice calm as if he wasn‘t affected at all. „This is a rather normal reaction to the venom. I am sorry, I thought you knew beforehand or I would have prepared you for it.“

Hongjoong just kept hiding his face in embarrassment, especially as the urge to grind up into Seonghwa did not dissipate. He tried his hardest to wish it away.

„Should I help you out with it?“

Hongjoong froze up. 

What?

He instantly shook his head. „Is that what you usually do?“, he asked, removing his arm to peek up at Seonghwa, whose face was suspiciously neutral.

He shrugged. „Many choose to do so, but most also only see it as part of a sort of transaction. Mutual…pleasure.“

For a moment awkward silence spread between them as Hongjoong knew he probably looked incerdibly fucked out under Seonghwa, his hair most likely a mess where he had pressed his head into the cusions, a blush all over his face and chest.

And the venom was still affecting him, drawing him to Seonghwa.

“I - I‘m good, thanks“, he managed to get out, though it sounded quite strangled. 

Eventually Seonghwa cleared his throat and moved to get off him, offering Hongjoong a hand to pull him into an upright position again.

The world was spinning slightly, the high still pumping through his veins.

„How do you feel?“, Seonghwa asked as they had both taken their initial positions on the sofa again, as far apart as possible.

Hongjoong just crossed his legs even though it was much too late to hide the tightness in his pants from Seonghwa. 

He let a hand come up to his neck, expecting to feel blood there, an open wound of some sort, but something Seonghwa had done seemed to have caused it to seal up immediately.

He still let his hand rest there, as if to make sure it had actually happened. That he hadn‘t imagined it.

„I’m good. Great“, Hongjoong breathed. „That was…“

He let the rest of the words hang in the air.

He turned to Seonghwa. „How about you?“

„I feel - like a new person“, he said, letting his head fall back onto the backrest, relaxed, a smile dancing on his lips.

And he was right. His dark shadows were gone, as if they had been a figment of Hongjoong‘s imagination all along. His skin had taken on a rather normal color, still on the pale side, but with a rosy tint in his cheeks. And he was breathing, Actually breathing.

Hongjoong‘s mind went back to Seonghwa‘s confession. To how alluring his blood had been to him.

„Was it all that you imagined it to be?“, Hongjoong said, the smirk audible in his voice.

„Better“, Seonghwa answered, no hint of humor in his words. Almost like he couldn‘t believe it.

His smile changed into a frown. „I feel like I lost myself a bit because of it. I took too much blood - you are pale. Do you feel dizzy?“

„It‘s okay“, he said, though his shaking hands and blurry vision betrayed him. „You needed this.“

He shook his head. „Still. I am sorry, Hongjoong.“

„Don‘t worry about me.“

„How could I not?“

His words were barely above a whisper. Like they hadn‘t been meant for Hongjoong‘s ears.

Seonghwa ended up insisting on driving Hongjoong home after the high had subsided - which had taken close to thirty minutes. 

He had explained that it depended on how much of a tolerance a human had for the venom, and also how much of it was in the bloodstream. Because Seonghwa had taken a lot, driven by his thirst, and Hongjoong wasn‘t used to it, it had hit him rather strongly.

Seonghwa seemed to be apologetic about it, even though to Hongjoong it was the best thing he had felt in a long time, savoring every second of the feeling tingling in his body.

Hongjoong had protested when Seonghwa had offered to drive him, but he was insistent. And soon he was sitting in the passenger‘s seat of a sleek black Mercedes Benz that Hongjoong didn‘t even want to know the price of.

And by the way the streetlights and neon signs that passed by his window blurred in his vision and made his head spin, Hongjoong decided that it maybe had actually been smart to let Seonghwa accompany him home.

Even when sitting next to him in a confined space like this was more than challenging.

It was as if their proximity on the sofa, the bite, had flipped something in Hongjoong.

It was impossible not to outright stare at Seonghwa as he was driving. 

The rosy tint on his cheeks, that was Hongjoong‘s own blood, rushing through him. 

Low lights illuminated the sharp features of his face, only one hand on the wheel, the other resting beside him. As if he were to reach out and place it on Hongjoong‘s thigh any second and Hongjoong almost hoped he‘d do so.

He shook his head.

That was probably still the venom speaking.

God, was he glad Seonghwa had simply glanced over his very embarrassing reaction and not brought it up again. 

Should I help you out with it?

Thank God Hongjoong had been put together just enough to decline the offer.

He would have to have a word with Wooyoung about this - of course that was the part he had conveniently left out.

„Is it this one?“, Seonghwa said, pointing out the window.

„Yes, you can just pull up right here.“

Seonghwa parked the car, but to Hongjoong‘s surprise got out himself. Appeared at the passenger door a moment later, opening it and extending his hand to Hongjoong.

„Seriously, you can just let me out right here“, Hongjoong protested, staring at the hand.

He shook his head. „I want to make sure you arrive at your apartment safely. That is the least I can do.“

And Hongjoong sighed and took his hand. Let him help him out of the car and accompany him into the elevator, up to his floor, to his apartment door. Seonghwa watching over him like a hawk, as if he would drop unconscious any second.

At the door, Hongjoong turned around again to face him, keys already in his hand, unsure what to say.

He didn‘t have to though, Seonghwa opening his lips first.

„Hongjoong, I cannot thank you enough for today.“ His voice was trembling with sincerity. „Even though my conscience is berating me right now, even though I broke my resolutions, even though I feel like it was not the morally right thing to do - I cannot remember the last time I have felt so, so alive.“

Hongjoong smiled at him and Seonghwa returned it.

„I have something else to ask of you though“, Seonghwa added, hesitant.

„What?“, Hongjoong breathed.

„We keep running into each other somehow - and while it is always a pleasant surprise when I see you at Utopia or at the library, it would be nice to not have to rely on fate to decide whether I get see you. If that is alright with you.“

The words took a moment to register in his head that was still not quite back in reality. But then he saw Seonghwa’s extended hand, an unlocked phone lying in his palm, facing Hongjoong. 

And then it clicked.

„Of course, yes!“, he fumbled to say, taking the phone from his dainty hands and almost dropping it, as he quickly typed in his number and saved it.

„Here you go“, he said, handing it back to him.

„Thank you.“ Seonghwa pocketed his phone again. „This might be selfish, and my judgement might be clouded considering the circumstances - but will I see you again soon?“

Hongjoong felt his face grow hot and a smile tuck at his lips. He just nodded.

„You know how to reach me.“

And at that, Seonghwa took his hand, bringing it up to his lips and placing a tender kiss on the back of it. Like a kiss to his neck.

„Sleep well, Kim Hongjoong“, he breathed, and a moment later, he was gone.

Hongjoong was smiling to himself like an idiot for a moment, looking at the back of his hand, when he noticed he wasn‘t alone.

The door opposite to his own was cracked slightly open, and two pairs of eyes were watching him, crowded behind the space.

„Damn that was the weirdest way I‘ve ever heard anyone ask for someone‘s number“, Wooyoung said, broad grin on his face.

„Hyung, that was so sweet! Are you coming from a date? Was that your boyfriend?“, San added, clutching a hand to his chest.

Hongjoong groaned. „I am moving out to somewhere with less nosy neighbors!“

„You love us!“, San called behind him as he unlocked his door.

„Not as much as he loves his hot doctor!“

Wooyoung‘s squeaking laugh was the last thing he heard as he pulled the door shut behind himself, leaning against it and letting his head fall back. A deep sigh escaping his chest.

As he lay in bed later, his phone lit up with a new message from an unknown number.

Thank you for today, Hongjoong. I hope to see you again.

-PSH

That night, Hongjoong dreamt of sharp fangs and traces of blood on full lips.

Chapter Text

After the night Seonghwa first drank from Hongjoong, things changed, even as they stayed perfectly the same.

Things changed in the way that Hongjoong saw him more often now - always at the library. So regularly that he would know that if he went to the secret table behind the theology shelves after the sun had set, Seonghwa would be sitting there, his face buried in a different book every night.

They changed in the way that Seonghwa seemed to be… him now. A whole person, not just the shell of one.

Where once dark shadows and a slouched figure had lived, now huge sparkling eyes that viewed everything with a sense of wonder had taken a home.

And instead of a pained smile that had always looked exhausted to Hongjoong, now actual laughter sometimes tumbled over his lips - always deep and hushed, as they were trying to be silent, crouched together in the library, but genuine nonetheless.

Things stayed the same though in the way Seonghwa still seemed to be - untouchable somehow. A hidden barrier between them that Hongjoong could not quite put a finger on.

Sometimes he felt so small in his presence and would just look at Seonghwa, inhumanely beautiful Seonghwa, and wonder what he had done to even be in his presence.

Seonghwa‘s name was in Hongjoong‘s phone now, yes, but he still felt just as unreachable.

Seonghwa’s initial text message was still there in solitude. As much as Hongjoong thought about it, as many messages he had typed out and deleted again late at night as he lay in bed, he had never dared to reach out to Seonghwa.

Just showed up at the library, in the hopes he would be here, at his usual spot in the moonlight.

Whatever they had, it was in a sort of limbo.

And things stayed the same in the sense that they never talked about that night. That one night, where Seonghwa had broken his resolve and drank from him.

Hongjoong thought about it constantly, couldn‘t avert his eyes from Seonghwa‘s lips when he spoke, just to be able to see that flash of fangs from time to time.

It was as if he could feel them graze his neck when he did, sending tingles down his body from the spot where the faint scar now lay, making his breath hitch.

But as much as Hongjoong thought about it, Seonghwa didn‘t seem to do so at all. He never mentioned it, and to Hongjoong‘s dismay didn‘t ask him to do it again.

Hongjoong didn‘t know how long the effect would hold on, how long Seonghwa could go without drinking before returning to his drained state again - and if he did, whether he was planning on going back to blood bags or not.

He never asked any of these questions that were burning on his mind, just how he never texted him, just how he never saw him outside the library.

As long as Seonghwa was looking like this - a healthy tint to his cheeks, his eyes full of wonder, and a genuine laugh on his lips - he was okay with living in this limbo.

✦

Hongjoong found it especially difficult to pay attention to his civil society lecture today.

It wasn‘t only because he was tired and hungry, having been too late for lunch at the cafeteria, with the dreadful prospect of a long day ahead of him without any real breaks to grab something to eat. 

It also wasn‘t only because he was sitting at the very back of the large lecture hall along with all the students who didn‘t care about the class at all and rather chatted among themselves. 

He was used to the last row by now. He had tried to sit closer to the professor before, but had ended up turning back to look over his shoulder every couple of seconds as his paranoia kicked in.

Today the thing that distracted him more than anything was the stares. 

It was a hot day, too hot for the arrival of fall that was just upon them, and definitely too hot for the long sleeved shirts that Hongjoong felt the most safe in, the most hidden.

He hadn‘t thought it would be an issue today, hadn‘t even brought a jacket to cover up just in case, and now he cursed himself for it.

Because ever since his neighbor had sat down next to him, her eyes had been glued to Hongjoong‘s arm. She hadn‘t said a word to him, just gaped at the scars that littered his skin. 

And even as the professor started his class, she kept consistent, glancing over ever so often, just enough that it kept Hongjoong on edge, made him feel uneasy in his skin as if he should just crawl out of it and escape, leave it there for everyone to stare at as much as they wanted.

„Kim Hongjoong.“

Hongjoong was so distracted by it that he almost missed the professor calling out his name.

He straightened up and froze in his seat, seeing a few heads whip around. 

More people recognized him here than he felt comfortable with. Not because of the general fear of being known, rather than what he feared they all knew him for. 

Thankfully his name wasn‘t the only one - the professor read out a handful of them from a list on his desk.

„If I called your name, please come down to speak to me after the lecture. It is regarding your credits. Everyone else, you are free to go.“

Hongjoong sighed. He had an idea what this was about.

The hall erupted in chatter and the sounds of people packing up their things and heading out.

Hongjoong took his sweet time to do the same, dreading to go down to the professor with dozens of eyes glued to him. 

As he eventually scooted out of the row and made his way down the stairs, a group of girls stood in his way - the one who had sat next to him among them.

He tried to rush past them but ended up catching some words of their conversation anyways.

„Have you seen that guy‘s arm?“, his neighbor whispered to the others. „It looked crazy. Do you think…“

„Yeah, I‘ve heard of him. He‘s the one who‘s a couple of years older than everyone. The ex-junkie guy.“

„Damn, like actual heroin or what?“

„Shh, that‘s him.“

As he pressed to the wall to get past them, they all went quiet and just looked at him, shy smiles on their faces. The mix of pity and curiosity he saw in them made Hongjoong feel as if he were to throw up, even though he hadn‘t eaten anything.

He tried to pretend he hadn‘t heard them.

Around the professor‘s desk a group of maybe half a dozen students had assembled by the time he got there. 

Hongjoong recognized them all as the troublemakers - the students he had always seen binge drinking at the parties he had sometimes attended during his first semester. The ones who sat with him in the last row and didn't pay attention. 

It seemed like as hard as he worked, as much as he tried to do his best, he still always ended up with them.

His kind.

He stood aside a bit as the professor spoke, not looking at anyone else.

"As you might know, I called you to speak about how you can make up for not fulfilling last semester's requirements." 

Hongjoong clutched the strap of his backpack tighter.

Last semester had been… hard. San had gone through a rough patch right between Hongjoong‘s midterms and finals, struggling with thoughts of self doubt.

And with his tendency to self-destructive behaviors, there was no way Hongjoong could have ever allowed himself to let him alone for long during that time. Even when he knew he had Wooyoung now.

So something had had to give, and it had been university - Hongjoong probably missing more sessions of his civil society class than he had ever ended up attending.

„I have decided to overlook you not fulfilling your hours, but in order to make up for it, you will have to prepare presentations and hold them in front of the class.“

Hongjoong sighed, just as some others did. 

„The entire lecture hall?“, one guy asked.

„Yes, the entire hall“, the professor said, seemingly annoyed at the question. „You will have to pick one civil society organization, preferably one you have been in close contact with or have dedicated your own time to before so you have some deeper understanding of its workings, and explain the role it holds in our society and why you deem it important. It can be anything - charities, NGOs, support groups, as long as it has had a real impact on you.“

Some students groaned, obviously not happy with the task. Others seemed glad that it was just that and not having to retake the whole class.

Hongjoong felt nothing about it, just saw how a couple of heads whipped around to look at him at the words „support group“ and he already knew what they expected him to talk about. 

The rehab facility.

And worst of all, as much as he wanted to never talk about it again, he knew he would have to.

Because it was the only thing he knew - the thing that defined him, that had had an impact on his life more than anything.

The professor frowned at the unhappy murmurs around him. 

"You should be thankful I am giving you this chance and not having you take the seminar all over again as many of my colleagues would."

He turned the list on his desk so it faced them. 

"Here are the dates for all your presentations."

They all rushed to find their name on the list. Hongjoong felt slightly better when he saw his near the bottom - he'd at least have a while to prepare. 

Still, dread filled his stomach as he exited the lecture hall as soon as he was dismissed. The thought alone of giving in to the curiosity of his classmates, the stares focused on his scars, made him sick.

The heat of the late summer sun made his skin prickle as he exited the building, chatter immediately filling his ears.

The door faced the large parking lot and it was not unusual for students to linger after the lecture before heading to their respective rides.

But there were unusually many today, especially many girls, and they all seemed to be glancing to one corner of the parking lot, some of them even giggling. 

As Hongjoong passed a group of them where they had put their heads together, he caught some of their words. 

"Damn the guy over there is so good looking."

"And that car looks expensive." 

"I've never seen him around. Whoever he's waiting for is definitely lucky." 

Hongjoong kept his stare tethered to the concrete beneath his feet, not really concerned with the newest campus heartthrob. 

That was until someone else he passed whispered something interesting. 

"Do you think that guy is a human?" 

"No way, I've never seen a human this beautiful. Definitely vampire." 

That's what finally made Hongjoong look up. 

And as he did, he saw a familiar figure leaning against a black Mercedes Benz, looking at him. 

"Hongjoong!", he called out and all of the heads surrounding Hongjoong whipped around to where he stood, clutching his backpack. 

For a second he felt his face redden at the sudden attention.

But when he saw the girl who had stared at his scars now gape at him, shock written all over her face, a smug feeling overtook him - almost pride. 

Seonghwa looked incredible as he leaned against his car that was parked in the shadow of a tree - his hair slicked back, his slim figure dressed all in black, with a long coat over his clothes, and a dark pair of sunglasses on his face. 

And the girl had been right. He for sure did not look human. 

For a second Hongjoong didn't say anything as he stepped up to Seonghwa, eyeing him as if he would disappear any second. 

He felt the stares of everyone on them.

"What's with the outfit?", he eventually asked, pointing at the coat that was definitely too hot for today's weather. 

"Oh this", Seonghwa said. "Just for the sun. It doesn't burn me per se but it is anything but comfortable when my skin is directly exposed to it."

He readjusted his sunglasses and Hongjoong felt dumb for asking. 

"What are you doing here?", he said instead. 

"I am taking you out for dinner", Seonghwa answered as if it was obvious. 

Hongjoong tilted his head. "I have to work. And you don't eat food." 

"I am aware of both", Seonghwa chuckled. "But you mentioned to me that Thursdays are your tightest schedule and that you rarely find time to eat since it takes so long to get to your job by public transport. And since we will save a lot of time driving there, there will be enough of a time window to get you something to eat."

Hongjoong had only mentioned it once, ranting about his job and how hard it was to spend hours serving delicious looking food to customers while running on an empty stomach yourself. 

"You actually remember that?", he said, disbelief audible in his voice. 

"Of course I do. And since it is Thursday I had the thought earlier that you would probably soon be on your way to a hard shift without any food in your system again. Which cannot be healthy." 

Hongjoong almost made a remark that Seonghwa was definitely not the right person to lecture him about starving himself, but he held back the words.

The fact that Seonghwa was worried about him, worried enough to even come and pick him up from school, made something inside of him flutter.

Seonghwa apparently misinterpreted his silence and frowned. 

"I hope this is not coming across as overbearing. You do not have to get in the car and go to dinner with me of course, it is simply an offer." 

"No, not at all!'', Hongjoong hurried to say. "I was just surprised - that you remembered and all. This is so nice, I don't really know what to say."

He shifted on his feet. 

"You don't have to say anything". He opened the door for him. "Just come with me?" 

And in a spur of confidence, Hongjoong actually got in, letting Seonghwa close the door for him and slide into the driver‘s seat a moment later. 

He felt the collective stares of the present student body on them until they had left campus. 

"Just so you know, every single person in that parking lot was thirsting over you“, Hongjoong said, pointing behind them.

Seonghwa chuckled quietly at that. 

"They were just curious, that is all." 

"You could have asked literally anyone back there out for dinner and they would have jumped at it." 

Seonghwa looked at him for a moment. "I do not want to take any of them to dinner though." 

Hongjoong didn't know what to make of the comment, just tried to hide the dumb smile that threatened to spread on his face at the words. 

„Another thing to add to my on-campus reputation: gets picked up from class by mysterious vampire. They will definitely make their own little versions of that story.“

„Do you care about what they think of you? Your reputation?“, Seonghwa asked. Not in a judging way, more actually curious.

Hongjoong shook his head. „Not really, no. Do you?“

Seonghwa smiled and shook his head. „If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you can never stop people from creating stories about you. So you might as well give them some interesting input.“

Seonghwa seemed to be energetic, turning up the music as soon as they were on the street and their conversation ebbed away. 

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow when he heard the first chords of the song. 

„Twice?“

„Are you judging me?“

He shook his head, suppressing a laugh. „No not at all, I was just not expecting something so - modern.“

Seonghwa put a hand on his chest as if he‘d been hurt. „Did you just call me old?“

„Only a bit“, he grinned.

And as if to prove a point, Seonghwa turned up the music even more and sang along.

His whole playlist seemed to consist solely of girl group music, the most bubblegum of it all. And when for some choruses he even whipped out the correct choreography as best as he could with one hand on the wheel, Hongjoong could at first only gawk, before breaking into laughter.

Seonghwa was seemingly too into it to care, fiercely continuing with his performance. It was almost surreal, seeing the so stern and serious, silently suffering Park Seonghwa drop his facade like this.

By the time they arrived on the street where Hongjoong‘s restaurant was, his stomach muscles hurt from all the laughing.

They ended up at an upper scale ramen restaurant, something Hongjoong would have never picked out himself simply because of the price tags on the menu.

But Seonghwa didn‘t even flinch, telling him to pick whatever he wanted.

„I actually wanted to take you to a sushi place in the area I think you might like because you mentioned it is your favorite food, but I figured sushi would take too long for the limited time window. Maybe another time then.“

And Hongjoong wasn‘t sure if it was the fact that Seonghwa had remembered yet another thing he had just mentioned in passing, or the implication that this would be happening again that made him blush.

As they sat together, Seonghwa was strangely talkative - as if the bubbly energy he had had in the car had carried over to where they were sitting.

There was a hint of shadows back under his eyes now that definitely hadn‘t been there last time, but they weren't severe.

Yet they were still a sign that this state would not hold on forever - that as much as Hongjoong wanted him to be like this always, there would soon come a time where he would revert back to his drained, lifeless state that hurt so much to see him in.

Hongjoong tried not to think of it as they talked.

Seonghwa somehow seemed to find all the right questions to ask - wanting to know about San and Wooyoung, about his favorite lectures and professors, the music he liked and books he had read, about future colors he wanted to dye his hair.

Everyone else always asked the questions Hongjoong would rather avoid - the ones that were natural to ask and easy to answer for everyone else. 

About his family, his friends growing up, his high school days and his hometown stories. All things that were a dagger in Hongjoong‘s chest, a dagger in between his shoulder blades.

It was one of the many reasons he stayed away from dating - the typical first date questions always tearing up old wounds.

Seonghwa stayed far away from them all, and it made Hongjoong feel warm, like he was actually being seen, like he understood him without Hongjoong having to explain anything.

And when Hongjoong was busy eating his ramen - the best he had ever had - Seonghwa in return told him about his own life.

About the topics he was studying at the moment, about his days at the blood bank and the jobs he had worked before.

The medical field had taken up a large span of his life apparently and he had a passion for it, and when Hongjoong asked what eventually had made him quit, he simply said it had taken a toll on his health. 

And with the way he said it, it was clear he wasn’t going to specify what he meant, so Hongjoong didn’t pester him about it further. 

Seonghwa instead talked more about his friends, especially Yeosang who he seemed to have known the longest of them all. Anecdotes from recent days or from decades ago, and with the soft way he spoke, a smile around his lips, it was clear he loved them all dearly.

Their time was too short, the minutes slipping away between bites of food and Seonghwa‘s curious questions. And before he could protest, Seonghwa had paid for his meal and accompanied him all the way to the restaurant he worked at.

Seonghwa said goodbye with a kiss on Hongjoong‘s hand again.

Hongjoong ached to pull him into a hug at that, but he didn‘t, just waved at him as Seonghwa got into his car.

He couldn‘t remember the last time he had smiled this much during a shift.

✦

„No screeching? Where did you leave the little menace today?“, Jongho asked Hongjoong as he reached the end of the line in front of Utopia. 

„He‘s out of town, you‘re safe from him today“, he smiled.

Jongho raised an eyebrow. „I thought he was the one who always dragged you here? Interesting to still see you around“, he said knowingly.

„I just - like the club.“

It didn’t sound very convincing, even though he had actually kind of come to like the place.

„Sure“, Jongjo smirked, handing his ID back to him. „Say hi to Seonghwa for me.“

Hongjoong couldn‘t even protest as he went into the club - he was here to see him after all.

It had been a while since Hongjoong had come to Utopia, not since Seonghwa had first drank from him really. He was excited to be back, the atmosphere in the club taking his breath away no matter how many times he stepped into it.

The fog covering the floor along with the dim red lighting and the ornaments along the walls always gave it an aura of mystery, of entering another world entirely.

As he made his way towards the bar, Hongjoong‘s phone buzzed inside his pocket.

Seonghwa

I will be a bit late, I am sorry for keeping you waiting.

Hongjoong sent him a quick reply that it was okay. It was not unusual that Seonghwa was caught up figuring out some paperwork at the bank until some ungodly hour, so he wasn‘t really surprised.  

Hongjoong instead went to kill some time by talking to Mingi and Yunho.

The tall vampires were fairly busy as they were fighting the rush of a Saturday night, but still found the time for a quick chat and for making him a drink on the house - Hongjoong insisting on no alcohol.

Just in case.

The club was packed today, vampires and humans dressed in all black filling the dancefloor, and the music was amazing. The deep base vibrated in Hongjoong‘s bones and the slightly melodic techno beats that were layered over it had an unidentifiable eerie feeling to them as always, almost psychedelic.

With a quick glance at his phone - no new message from Seonghwa - Hongjoong decided to go enjoy the rush of the night and join the figures among the fog on the dancefloor while he waited.

Even without alcohol in his system, the atmosphere alone was enough to draw him in and find his place among the others. Humans and vampires, some in pairs, some alone like him, moving to the music. 

Hongjoong felt strangely calm today, his usual urge to look over his shoulder and stay close to the wall less strong than it had been in weeks. 

Maybe it was the prospect of seeing Seonghwa later that made him feel safe.

People came up to him from time to time, glancing at his hands, and when they found them void of a black X, they invited him to dance with them. The pale skin and faint shadows under their eyes along with the fangs that occasionally caught the red lights of the club told Hongjoong their intentions and he always politely declined. 

None of them seemed too mad about it - there were plenty of humans here today, the dance floor packed with people willing to engage - and they all left with a polite nod and a smile.

All except for one of them. 

A guy looking around his own age had had his eyes on Hongjoong for a while now. Always dancing near him, acting nonchalant about it, as if it were just by chance that he always seemed to be in Hongjoong’s proximity wherever he moved on the floor.

When he glanced to the side, he always found him staring at him - seemingly never at his face, always at his neck, and Hongjoong quickly came to regret his choice of clothes. His pants were skintight and the loose black shirt that was tucked into them had a collar that gave full view of his neck and collarbones.

The guy who had had his eyes on him for a while now wasn‘t bad looking - rather tall and muscular, with the natural handsomeness that all vampires seemed to share.

But something was off about him.

About the way he looked at him, and Hongjoong tried to let his body language convey that he was not interested.

When after a while, the guy came a bit too close to him and the glances turned into outright stares, it became uncomfortable. Hongjoong decided to leave the dance floor for a quick break to send him the signal that he should look for someone else.

He made his way to a fairly empty corner that was somewhat shielded from the rest of the club, close to the private rooms and away from the deafening base of the music.

Hongjoong was leaning against a wall there and checked his phone. No new message from Seonghwa, but also almost no service this far into the club.

„Hi there, pretty“, a voice made him look up from his phone and freeze where he stood.

It was the vampire that had stared at him on the floor - of course.

Hongjoong frowned as he looked at him. His shirt was unbuttoned a bit too low to show off his chest muscles and the chains layered on top of each other over them.

„What are you doing here all alone?“, he asked, his voice dripping with fake charisma that made Hongjoong‘s stomach turn.

„I‘m waiting for someone“, he said briskly. 

The guy stepped up to him and suddenly Hongjoong regretted his choice to lean up against the wall. Because now the guy was directly in front of him and pressed a hand against it, cutting him off from the rest of the club.

Hongjoong had to crane his neck to look up at him, the vampire being a good head taller than he was.

„Someone who smells as good as you shouldn‘t be kept waiting though. Let me take you to the back and show you a good time. That‘s what we‘re all here for right? No X on your hand?“

His smirk was sleazy, showing off his fangs, and Hongjoong felt himself shrink under it.

„No thank you“, he said, trying his best to sound assertive. „I‘m sure you‘ll find someone else though.“

The guy rolled his eyes and groaned, all fake politeness falling off of him. 

„Come on, don‘t be a tease. I‘m thirsty.“

He stepped closer,  the light above them hitting his face, and only now did Hongjoong see the shadows under his eyes - not as severe as Seonghwa‘s had been, but still dangerously dark. 

„I said no“, Hongjoong said quietly. „If you‘re this thirsty maybe you should get some blood bags.“

That didn‘t seem to amuse him, his face hardening.

„The banks are so stingy with their portions these days. And also, why should I settle for that crap when someone as pretty as you is right here, smelling so good?“

Hongjoong looked around, trying to signal to someone what was happening here as the guy leaned in over him, but no one was paying attention to their corner. 

He felt panic rise in his gut, making his heart beat faster and his breath hitch.

The guy seemed to misinterpret it, smiling.

„It‘ll be over quick, just a small bite. We can do it right here if you don‘t wanna go to the rooms, I don‘t care.“

His voice was directly against Hongjoong‘s ear, his breath cold. His other hand suddenly pressed down on Hongjoong‘s hip, trapping him against the wall.

Hongjoong squirmed against it to get out from under him, but he had him in a death grip.

„Let go of me“, he said, but it came out quiet, with no way of his words alerting anyone over the loud music. He couldn‘t find his voice to shout at him, couldn‘t even find his hands to push against him.

The guy‘s breath fanned against his neck.

And suddenly it was all gone. The body in front of him ripped away, and a second later, slammed against the wall next to him with a crash.

A groan escaped the vampire as the air was knocked out of him.

„Don‘t you dare touch him“, a voice growled, deep and guttural and incredibly angry.

Hongjoong‘s head was spinning, disoriented from the fear and the sudden whiplash inducing movement.

As he turned to the side, to where the crash had come from, there he was.

Seonghwa.

„What do you think you are doing?“

He had one hand twisted in the fabric of the guy‘s shirt and the other around his throat, as he pressed him into the wall. The guy was a bit taller than him, but that didn‘t seem to matter, as his face was distorted with fear.

And Hongjoong immediately saw why.

Because Seonghwa looked - dangerous.

More dangerous than he had ever looked. The sweet guy that had picked him up from university and sung along to girl group songs with huge kind eyes - disappeared, as if he had never existed. 

Even when his thirst had overcome him at the library that one time, he had seemed human still.

Not now.

„I asked you a question!“, he shouted, slamming him into the wall again.

His hair fell into his face, black against white, with his fangs fletched like an animal ready to tear out its prey‘s throat. His muscles were strained where his fingers wrapped around the guy’s neck. 

And - was that a hint of red Hongjoong saw flickering in his eyes? That was surely impossible. Only the light of the club reflecting in them.

„I was just playing with him!“, the guy said, raising his arms in defense, voice panicky.

„Were you trying to drink from him against his will?“, Seonghwa growled.

He shook his head violently. „We were just having a bit of fun, he was being a tease. I just wanted a quick bite.“

Wrong answer.

„A quick bite?“, he whispered, and the sudden quietness of his voice was more scary than his shouts had ever been. Hongjoong felt himself shiver.

Seonghwa‘s grip on his throat tightened as he lifted him up against the wall, so that his feet were actually dangling over the floor. 

„That human belongs to me. I have a claim on him. So if I see you touch him ever again - if I see you look at him ever again, you will regret it.“

And this time when his eyes flashed red, Hongjoong was sure he didn‘t imagine it.

For a moment he was scared Seonghwa would do something to the guy, would actually press down and choke him, or do something worse.

But in the next moment, a hand came down on Seonghwa‘s shoulder.

„Hyung, stop.“

It was Jongho.

„Do not get involved in this“, Seonghwa warned, his fangs bare.

This would have sent anyone running, but not Jongho apparently.

„Let me take care of this“, he said calmly, pressing into his shoulder again. „You need to be there for Hongjoong.“

That seemed to rip him out of his trance. He looked up from the vampire who was shivering in his grip and his eye‘s met Hongjoong‘s.

And his anger fell off of him in the blink of an eye, turned into something unidentifiable - something deeply sad, almost akin to guilt. 

Seonghwa loosened his grip and let the tall vampire hit the ground with a wimping sound escaping his throat.

„I got this, hyung“, Jongho said. „I am so sorry, Hongjoong.“

And in the next moment he had the guy on his feet again and dragged him across the floor in the direction of the doors, through a small group of spectators that had assembled around them.

But neither Hongjoong nor Seonghwa were watching them - stares focused only on each other. 

Hongjoong was shaking. He didn‘t realize until a violent shiver overcame him and he had to hug his own torso to stop it. Why was he shaking so much?

And there was something else inside of him, something rising in his gut like the heat of a fire that was making its way up, as he looked at Seonghwa.

That human belongs to me. I have a claim on him.

He felt like he was burning alive, the heat creeping up his neck.

„Hongjoong, I am so deeply sorry“, Seonghwa eventually said, taking a step back. That strange guilt still tainting his face.

„You - you just saved me“, Hongjoong whispered, confused.

„You‘re shaking. I scared you.“

The thought seemed to pain him.

„I am not scared of you“, Hongjoong said.

It was not a lie, even when the sight of Seonghwa going feral on another vampire should have shaken him to his core.

Seonghwa shook his head. „I am sorry for what I had to say. That you belonged to me. Please know I did not want to imply I have any sort of possession over you, especially not after you only let me drink from you to help me. I hate nothing more than when my kind treat the humans they drink from like they are their property.“

What was he saying? Hongjoong‘s ears rang, Seonghwa‘s words from earlier repeating in his head over and over again.

I have a claim on him.

It did something to Hongjoong - made him shiver, made the heat lick at his insides like flames in his veins.

„He was a very young vampire, not used to the thirst, and set on drinking from you. Only the claim of an older vampire could have dissuaded him from it. It was the only reason I spoke like this.“

Seonghwa‘s deep, growling voice from earlier resonated in Hongjoong‘s head. The violent look on his face as he had trapped the guy against the wall.

The red flashing in his eyes.

And as he looked at him now, as much as Seonghwa tried to hide it, that same desperation, that same look of possessiveness was still there, buried under the black of his irises.

Another shiver wrecked Hongjoong‘s body, but it was not one of fear.

It was want.

Seonghwa seemed overwhelmed, as Hongjoong took his hand and dragged him out of their corner, rushing past the handful of people that had crowded around them. Past the private rooms and up the steps. Into their room.

It couldn‘t go fast enough for Hongjoong. He needed this, now.

As soon as the door was locked behind them, Hongjoong pushed Seonghwa into the sofa, so that his back hit the cushions, sitting there looking up at him. Breathing heavily even though he didn’t need to breathe at all.

And in a rush of whatever it was that had overtaken him, Hongjoong climbed on top of him, straddling Seonghwa. Chests only a whisper apart.

„Hongjoong, what are you doing?“, Seonghwa said, his head tilted back to look at him.

„Bite me, Seonghwa“, he said as he let his head fall to the side to expose his neck, their faces so close that he felt Seonghwa‘s breath on him.

He shook his head, but Hongjoong felt him tremble under him as he inhaled. „We are not thinking straight right now. You are in shock and I am-“

„What are you, Seonghwa? What is it that‘s affecting you so much?“, Hongjoong whispered.

Seonghwa‘s hands came up to clutch at his hips, keeping him in place. He didn‘t answer, seemingly trying to keep his composure.

„I don‘t believe you“, Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa looked at him questioningly.

„You claimed you only said these things so the guy would leave me alone. I don‘t believe that was the only reason. I saw it, I saw how you reacted - you don‘t want to admit it to me or yourself, but you meant it and you almost tore his throat out over it.“

He leaned in closer.

„And you are wrong about something else, too.“

„About what?“, Seonghwa said, voice strained, and close enough to his neck that he felt the words as breath on his skin.

„About the fact that I only let you drink from me to help you.“

Hongjoong leaned back again, so he could look Seonghwa in the eyes as he spoke next. 

„Because I am not that selfless. I want you to drink from me. I want the rush of it all. And as much as you try to hide it, I know that you want it to. I can see it right now.“ He put his arms around Seonghwa‘s neck. „So to hell with fake modesty.“

For a second, Seonghwa said nothing. Just looked at him, eyes wide.

As if a switch had been flicked inside of him, his irises suddenly darkened, his hands on Hongjoong‘s hips suddenly bruising as he drew him in closer, their chests touching.

And then his lips were Hongjoong‘s neck, placing something close to a kiss there.

„You will be the death of me, Kim Hongjoong.“

Seonghwa didn‘t say anything else, quietness filling the room around them for a moment - and then, without another warning, Hongjoong felt a sharp pain on his neck.

Hongjoong flinched, his hips connecting with Seonghwa‘s where he was straddling him, and a second later a moan escaped him as the venom hit him.

It was just like the first time, maybe even more intense as his headspace amplified the feelings. The fear of just moments ago, down in the club where the guy had cornered him, disappeared as the venom spread in his veins, as if he had never known what fear even was.

It only left pleasure in its wake.

Seonghwa growled, pressing his thumbs into Hongjoong‘s flesh where his shirt was now untucked and had ridden up to expose his skin. He drew him in impossibly closer, fangs burying themselves deeper in his flesh as he sucked at his neck as if his life depended on it.

There was something in the way Seonghwa handled him that hadn‘t been there last time. A desperateness that was not due to hunger. As if the possession in his words earlier translated to him pressing Hongjoong close now.

Like he wanted to show him that he truly belonged to him.

Hongjoong was floating and the needles buried deep in his neck were the thing he craved, his eyes rolling back into his skull as the feeling rushed through him.

And when after what felt like an eternity, Seonghwa finally withdrew from Hongjoong, disconnected his sharp teeth from his neck, and let his head fall back onto the headrest - there was something in his eyes.

They were both breathing heavily, blood on Seonghwa‘s lips, red on white. More beautiful than anything Hongjoong had ever seen.

None of them spoke a word, but something had undeniably changed.

And as the same feeling as last time crept up Hongjoong‘s body, the want setting him alight, the want for Seonghwa - he didn‘t fight it.

His eyes darted to his lips again, at the blood there.

Breath in the air between them. The only sound in the room apart from Hongjoong‘s frantic heartbeat.

Hongjoong didn‘t know who moved first.

But a second later, his hands were buried in Seonghwa‘s hair, and Seonghwa‘s thumbs were pressed into his hips again.

And in a rush of desperation, their lips connected.

It was messy, driven by want and urgency, and when Seonghwa‘s tongue brushed against Hongjoong‘s lips, he let them fall open to grant him access. As their tongues danced together, Hongjoong tasted the copper of his own blood on Seonghwa.

A moan escaped him as he licked over the sharp edges of his fangs and he couldn‘t stop himself from grinding down.

Seonghwa growled, like a warning, but then a second later his hips bucked up as well, and Hongjoong could feel that he wasn‘t the only one affected.

They were both hard.

Hongjoong tilted his head to give him better access as they kissed sloppily, and all the while he kept grinding down, riding the wave of pleasure Seonghwa‘s bite had sent through his body, the wave that was still wrecking him - wrecking them both.

After a while, Seonghwa disconnected their lips and kissed down his neck again, came to the spot where he had bitten him, and licked at the last drops of blood that lingered there.

„Seonghwa, I-„, Hongjoong started, but the sentence just turned into a moan as he sucked at the sensitive spot there.

„What is it?“, he whispered, voice deep and rough. „Do you want me to-?“

He didn‘t finish the sentence, just let his thumb dip a bit lower, slipping under the waistband of his jeans for only a second.

Hongjoong involuntarily chased the touch as his breath hitched.

He felt blood rush into his face in embarrassment as he felt himself grow so desperate. But this time, he didn‘t have it in him to deny Seonghwa‘s offer. He was too far gone.

Hongjoong pressed his eyes shut and nodded. 

„Are you sure?“

„Please.“

Seonghwa stopped kissing at his neck to look at him. His pupils blown wide to swallow almost his whole irises. 

He drew him back in to connect their lips in a chaste kiss, and then let one of his hands dip down to unbutton Hongjoong‘s pants. His other one was still pressing into his hip, keeping him stable there.

Slowly, Seonghwa let his hand slide under the fabric of his boxers and wrapped it loosely around Hongjoong‘s cock, pulling it out from the barrier of his clothes it had been straining against. 

His hand was cold where it touched Hongjoong‘s own heat, just like the heavy silver rings he still had on all of his fingers. Hongjoong drew in a sharp breath at the sensation.

It quickly turned into an embarrassingly loud moan though, as Seonghwa gave him a few experimental tugs, his long dainty fingers looking so pretty wrapped around him like this. He immediately slapped one hand over his mouth to muffle the sound, but Seonghwa pulled it away again.

„It‘s okay. You can let go“, he said, his deep voice grounding as Hongjoong bucked into his hand involuntarily.

He didn‘t know why this was affecting him so much - he had received many handjobs before, but none of them had sent him spiraling like this. Like he was going insane just from the tiniest touches.

Maybe it was the venom in his veins that was making him floaty and hot all over and a desperate, incoherent mess in Seonghwa‘s lap.

Or maybe it was the fact that it was Seonghwa, the most gorgeous person he had ever laid his eyes on, that was doing these things to him now. That still had Hongjoong‘s blood on his lips that were kissed raw and bruised now.

Seonghwa thumbed at the slit where he was the most sensitive, spreading the precum that had collected there and using it to make the slide more smooth. It only made Hongjoong moan again loudly and a small growl came from within Seonghwa‘s chest as he had to clutch his hip tighter to keep him in place on his lap as he squirmed.

The pleasure was building up much too quickly in Hongjoong‘s body, and soon he found himself close to the edge, almost toppling over.

„Seonghwa, I-“, he moaned and Seonghwa just sushed him.

„It‘s all good. I got you.“

And just before Hongjoong was about to come, Seonghwa used his free hand to push up Hongjoong‘s shirt and expose his stomach.

Hongjoong let his head fall back in pleasure, arching his back so Seonghwa had to keep him from falling backwards, a hand on the small of his back.

„Beautiful“, he breathed and Hongjoong wasn’t sure if he had imagined it, his mind playing tricks on him in his dazed out state.

Just a few pulls later, Hongjoong spilled all over Seonghwa‘s hand and his own skin. He silenced the animalistic sound that was on his lips by pressing them against Seonghwa‘s again, sliding his tongue against his and tasting the faint blood there.

Seonghwa kept tumbing at his tip until he had ridden out the last of his high, and when the feeling subsided, Hongjoong’s head was spinning faster than ever before.

He was floating, warm. The desperation of just now, replaced by a feeling of bliss.

When the spinning stopped and he gained back his sense of reality, Hongjoong noted he was lying down on the cushions of the sofa, tucked back into his pants, and Seonghwa was just throwing away the tissues he had cleaned him up with apparently.

„Are you okay there?“, Seonghwa asked, sitting down next to him. „It hit you pretty hard again I fear.“

Hongjoong smiled up at him lazily. „That was amazing.“

With Seonghwa‘s help he pulled himself up into a seated position, their thighs touching.

Hongjoong noted how Seonghwa had his legs crossed.

„Do you want me to-?“, he said, his glance dipping into Seonghwa‘s lap as he bit his lip. He remembered feeling him as he grinded down, feeling how hard he had been against Hongjoong as they had kissed. 

But Seonghwa just smiled politely and shook his head. „It has been an eventful night. I think it is better I bring you home now.“

Hongjoong was disappointed for a second, wanting to repay Seonghwa by giving him the same pleasure he had just given him - but maybe the truth was that he just didn‘t want to. Had offered Hongjoong to take care of him because it was just what was courtesy to do in these situations. 

Many choose to do so, but most also only see it as part of a sort of transaction.

Maybe it had just been Seonghwa‘s way of repaying him for letting him drink from him. His part of a deal.

Hongjoong shook his head. Thinking about it too hard just made his vision blurry, his head spin again.

Maybe it was really a good idea to get him home.

Outside of the club, Seonghwa stopped for a moment to discuss something with Jongho, thanking him for stepping in from the looks of it. Hongjoong was too out of it to really listen to their words, but he did see the all knowing look Jongho sent him as his eyes flickered down to his neck.

This time as they rode in Seonghwa‘s car, Seonghwa actually placed a hand on Hongjoong‘s thigh, as if to ground him, or as if to make sure he was still there. 

And when he bid his farewells in front of Hongjoong‘s apartment door, he took his hand again and placed a kiss on it - much too chaste and innocent, considering what they had just done.

„Sleep well. And stay safe. For me.“

Almost as if it had never happened. As if he hadn‘t saved Hongjoong and claimed him as belonging to him, hadn‘t drunk from his blood again, and sent waves of pleasure through his body.

As if they hadn‘t kissed, desperately, as if it was the only thing keeping them from starvation.

But it had been real - and the faint taste of copper that still lingered on Hongjoong‘s lips was proof enough.

Chapter Text

Hongjoong waited in front of his apartment door until he was sure the last aftershocks of the venom had definitely left his system. 

His head had cleared up completely again, yet the sensation on his neck remained, a ghost of a bite, as did the subtle ache in his hips where Seonghwa‘s thumbs had pressed into the flesh.  

Faint reminders of the night past.

„Yes, I love you, too. I-“

San’s eyes widened when Hongjoong passed through his apartment door.

He was sitting on the sofa, hastily hanging up the phone and putting it in his pocket and his eyes met Hongjoong‘s across the room.

„Hyung, you‘re back“, he said. His tone was strange, but Hongjoong couldn‘t quite pinpoint why.

„Yeah.“ He closed the door behind him and crossed over to where San was. „Was that Wooyoung on the phone just now?“

San nodded slowly.

„Is everything okay at the party?“ Hongjoong furrowed his brows.

„Yeah, uhm. Everything is good. He just wanted to check in with me I guess.“

Hongjoong noted how San avoided his eyes as he sat down next to him. 

He had been acting off for the past couple of days.

But that was no surprise. It probably was a hard night for him. 

Wooyoung was at their high school reunion, at the other end of the city, catching up with some of their old friends. San had been invited, too.

And he didn‘t say it, but Hongjoong knew that he wanted to be there. See everyone again, show up at Wooyoung's side, as whatever they were. Show off how far he’d come. Hongjoong had seen it in his eyes when they had received the invitations.

„I don‘t know, San“, Hongjoong had hesitantly said back then. „I have been to these kinds of parties. There will be lots of alcohol and probably other stuff as well and a lot of peer pressure to join in. Is that really worth it for you?“

San had visibly deflated at that.

„You‘re probably right, hyung. It‘s not worth it.“

It was hard sometimes, to make the right decisions. Decisions other people didn‘t have to make.

Hongjoong hated ruining these things for San. Hated having to remind San he had to ruin these things for himself.

But it was necessary to keep him safe.

San shifted on the sofa and shook his head.

„How was your night though?“

Hongjoong suppressed a smile. He didn‘t want to seem too giddy around San, not today.

„It was good“, he simply said.

„Did you meet your doctor again? Seonghwa?“, San asked. There was that strange look again in his eyes. Like he was unsure about something, hesitant.

„Yeah, I did. He invited me to come, actually.“

„Do you“, San started, letting the sentence hang in the air for a second. „Do you like him?“

It didn‘t sound like it was the question he had meant to ask, changing paths at the last second.

Hongjoong didn‘t really know how to answer. 

„I do“, he said. „He is a very kind person.“

San‘s question ran deeper than that, that much he was aware of. The implications more than just a simple we get along well. He wouldn‘t be spending this much time with Seonghwa if they didn‘t. 

Yet Hongjoong didn‘t dare question what lay below.

San didn‘t seem content with the answer either, biting his lip. He was still avoiding looking at Hongjoong.

He gave him another moment to spit out what was so obviously troubling him. But when nothing came, Hongjoong eventually stood up from the sofa with a sigh.

„I‘ll go change and brush my teeth I think. I‘m super tired. You‘re gonna come to bed, too?“

It was an unspoken deal that San was going to sleep over at Hongjoong‘s place since Wooyoung wasn‘t here. Even when Hongjoong knew that that way no sleep would ever come to him to rid him of his tiredness. 

It was worth it for San.

He was almost at the bathroom door when San called out to him.

„Hongjoong?“

He turned around again.

„What is it?“, he said, trying to sound encouraging.

„Do you“, he started again, fidgeting in his seat. „Do you let Seonghwa drink from you?“

The question took him off guard, freezing where he stood.

San‘s eyes were wide and glossy with anticipation, and something almost like fear. Something Hongjoong couldn‘t place, that took him off guard. 

„I do“, he said hesitantly, his hand coming up to cup his neck, as if to hide the bite mark. But there was no use. San had most likely already seen it.

The answer seemed to almost strike San, his brows furrowing together over his eyes. Quite like they had done when Hongjoong had reminded him that he shouldn‘t go to the party.

Like he had expected the words, but wasn‘t happy to hear them.

„What‘s wrong?“, Hongjoong asked as no answer came. „I‘m sorry that I didn‘t tell you, I know we share these things usually. But it was only twice, and it‘s not dangerous or anything. Seonghwa isn‘t taking advantage of me if that‘s what you‘re worried about. He is really, really kind.“

San shook his head, still looking upset.

„No, it’s not that. I just“, he exhaled. „Wooyoung just told me about the side effects and it - feels strange to me.“

Hongjoong was too aware of what side effects he meant. His head had just stopped spinning a couple of minutes ago, the memories of the rush, his mind detaching from his body, still fresh in his veins.

„Do you mean because he said it‘s like… like a high?“

He nodded, his lips pressed tightly together.

„Oh San“, he said, rushing over to him. He buried a hand in San‘s hair and San chased the touch, leaned into it.

„I was also worried when Wooyoung told me about it. It sounds scary right? But I swear, it‘s different. The venom is not addictive, there is no way of physically getting hooked on it. Didn‘t Wooyoung tell you that?“

He nodded again.

„But that‘s what they said to me too, about so many things. Just, to think you are getting high on something. It makes me feel… weird. Uncomfortable.“

Hongjoong ruffled his hair, the way he knew would calm him down.

„I get that“, he said. „I get why you‘re worried about me. Damn, I‘d be worried about you, too if it were the other way around. But I swear, it‘s different.“

He looked up at him, his eyes glossy and huge and so young all of a sudden.

„How?“

„There is a rush. Yes. It feels good. Yes. But that is not the point for me, at all.“

„What then?“

„I did it to help Seonghwa. San, he was… he was basically at a point where he was starving himself.“

San seemed concerned. Shock on his face as he looked up at Hongjoong.

„ Give back . You remember that point on my list?“

San‘s eyes darted to the faint scar on Hongjoong‘s wrist.

„Yeah, I remember.“

„You asked me if I like Seonghwa. I do. I really do care about him. But he is stubborn. So stubborn that he makes himself suffer just because he thinks that way he can make others suffer less.“

San sighed. „I know someone exactly like that.“

Hongjoong chuckled. „So you see now why I had to help him?“

„I think I do.“

He still didn‘t seem too happy about it, concern in his eyes.

„But it was only twice? No more than that?“

„It was only twice, yes“, Hongjoong assured him. „I promise, I have it under control. This will not become a regular thing. I have left these patterns behind. We both have.“

„Right“, San said. „We have.“

Have we?

The words were left hanging in the air, none of them speaking them out loud. But they were there.

Especially when all that was filling Hongjoong’s mind was the memory of Seonghwa, holding him close and burying his fangs in his neck. And the ache, the longing for exactly that.

So… Have we?

✦

Despite San‘s warnings and his scepticism when it came to Seonghwa, Hongjoong found himself unable to go long without thinking about him.

It was clear from Seonghwa‘s radio silence that he was trying to give Hongjoong space after what had happened. He wouldn‘t have been too surprised if Seonghwa still felt guilty, thinking he had overstepped a boundary, crossed a line.

And after a couple of days of waiting, he couldn‘t do it anymore. So Hongjoong decided to finally also cross a line himself that he hadn‘t crossed before.

He texted Seonghwa first.

Hongjoong:

hey are u free this weekend

Seonghwa:

Yes, I am. Why?

I miss you

He typed and deleted the text, deeming it too needy. He didn‘t want to come across as needy, even though that was exactly how he was feeling.

Hongjoong:

I‘d just love to catch up again if ur free

just if you want to no pressure

it‘s ok if not

Seonghwa:

Of course I would love to see you again

I already have something in mind, somewhere I have been wanting to take you for a while, if that is okay with you?

That is how Hongjoong ended up back in Seonghwa‘s car, as he picked him up from his apartment on a Saturday afternoon.

Seonghwa looked stunning as always, dressed in all black, with his long coat and sunglasses shielding his face from the few rays that fought their way through the thick clouds in the fall sky. 

His fingers, wrapped around the steering wheel, were adorned with his silver rings again and it took all Hongjoong had in him to not stare at them. The memory of these exact fingers reaching into his pants, rings cold on his skin, was something he definitely didn‘t need right now, in a confined place with Seonghwa.

On their way to something that was definitely not a date.

No way.

Still, Hongjoong couldn‘t deny that the art museum did feel like a very date-esque place.

Especially on a Saturday afternoon, when the place was for some reason brimming with couples. Couples, and them.

Two… friends? The term drinking buddies came to mind for Hongjoong and he suppressed a laugh. It fit well enough, in an unusual way.

Hongjoong himself had gone for a more casual, artsy look, to fit the location. He was wearing a pair of distressed pants and a David Bowie shirt he had thrifted a while back, tucked loosely into them. He had paired the look with an oversized denim jacket and a pair of chunky boots to bring him closer to Seonghwa‘s height, even though the other still had a couple of inches on him.

When they passed a reflective window on their way to the museum, he had to admit to himself that they looked good together. Like, really good.

He quickly shook his head to get rid of the idea. They were here together. But they were not together .

„I haven‘t been here since I was a kid“, Hongjoong smiled as they entered the museum, craning his neck to look up at the mural painted on the ceiling of the entrance hall.

The museum was a large space, inside a beautiful old building with high ceilings and expensive flooring, a light polished stone of some sorts. Some walls had stucco decorations around their edges, and on the ceilings the halters of what once probably had been chandeliers were still visible. 

The floor plan Hongjoong had picked up showed the location of the multitude of halls and how they were interconnected, with inscriptions depicting which artist‘s works were located where.

„Did you come here with your school?“, Seonghwa asked, as he walked him into the first hall.

„No, with my parents actually. They never liked art, but I always enjoyed being in museums for some reason, even when I knew nothing about painters and art history.“

He shrugged. „I guess I just had an affinity for it.“

The memories flooded back into his brain as he looked at the first paintings that hung from the walls. 

Sometimes he couldn‘t help but wonder. If he hadn‘t stripped all choices and opportunities from himself by walking the path he had ended up on, what would he have done instead?

Would he have grown to love art, to spend his every weekend here, looking at paintings? Would he maybe still be coming here with his parents, who would have never stopped considering him their son?

He suddenly thought of San, who had never had a chance to become a person, and the sentiment resonated with him more than ever before. A grief for what could have been, but never had a chance to be.

With a shake of his head he banished the thoughts. These were feelings for another time, not when he was here with Seonghwa.

„Let‘s go look at some art“, he said, turning to him with a smile.

It soon became clear that the knowledge of art history Hongjoong lacked, Seonghwa most definitely was able to make up for.

He didn‘t even need to look at the floor plan while he guided them through the different exhibition halls across multiple stories. All the while pointing out his favorite pieces, telling Hongjoong backstories to the paintings that sounded more like anecdotes than memorized facts.

And he rarely did so much as to even glance at the small golden tags that displayed the artist‘s name and information about the painting.

Just spoke about the pieces, in a hushed voice, with a smile on his face, as if they were old friends he was excited to introduce to Hongjoong.

It was endearing.

„Why do you know so much about art?“, Hongjoong asked after a while as he followed Seonghwa through a large hall with sculptures. „Is that another PhD I should know about?“

„No, not at all“, Seonghwa laughed. „My knowledge of the pieces is rather anecdotal - I could not tell you a thing about composition or anything to do with the craft.“

Hongjoong stopped in front of a sculpture. A bust of a young man who had lived and died probably hundreds of years ago, but looked so real Hongjoong was sure he would touch skin instead of stone were he to reach out and let his fingers brush against it.

„Where do the anecdotes come from then?“

Seonghwa stepped next to him, so close their shoulders were almost brushing.

„Because I know a lot of the people who created these pieces“, he said, as if it wasn't unusual. „There was a period in my life where I used to surround myself with a lot of creatives. All of them human by the way - us immortals rarely create art worth consuming. It is always somewhat superficial in nature.“

Hongjoong couldn‘t believe that for a moment. Surely, at least some vampires must use their eternal life to create art, or literature, or poetry?

But as he combed through his mind, sorted through names he had been taught in school, not a single one came up that he knew to have been a vampire.

„Why do you think that is?“, he wondered, his eyes still locked with that of the statue. They were the only part that gave away that it was that - a statue. Not real.

He shrugged. „No one really knows. Maybe because we lack urgency. The need to create, to tear off a bit of your soul and leave it in your art so part of who you were may prevail after you‘re gone. The uniquely human experience of knowing death could come any moment and wipe away all that you have not settled in stone. Or paint.“

Hongjoong tried to think of a younger Seonghwa, not younger physically, but younger in his experiences. The Seonghwa who had studied philosophy, who had been so dedicated to finding out about the truth of his soul.

It would only be fit for that version of him to be surrounded by artists.

„I didn‘t know you used to be friends with humans“, Hongjoong said, genuinely surprised to learn that fact. 

„I was, at one point. I think I have simply always felt drawn to specific kinds of people. Not only artists and creatives. Whether subconsciously or not, I always surrounded myself with those who burned bright with passion, with dedication for life.“

Hongjoong laughed quietly to himself, but it was a sad one.

„These people were very different to me then.“

Seonghwa looked at him. „Why would you think that?“

„I have never been a creative, let alone an artist. I have always struggled too much and had too much on my plate to develop a passion for anything. And life - well, I almost threw mine away multiple times, so how dedicated could I be to it?“

Seonghwa was quiet for a moment, mustering Hongjoong.

„But is that not exactly the point? It is one thing, to stand in the middle of the platform that is life and be appreciative of your position. It is another entirely to be pushed to the very edge of it, hanging on merely by the tips of your fingers, and then decide to pull yourself up again. That is dedication to me. And I have rarely met a human as dedicated to life as you.“

Hongjoong didn‘t know what to say, so he said nothing as he looked at the sculpture. He was painfully aware of how Seonghwa‘s eyes were focused entirely on him as he did so.

Like he was trying to make sense of something.

After a while he shook his head and murmured something to himself.

„But even so, you are right. You are not like them.“

With how quiet he said it, Hongjoong wasn‘t even sure whether it had been meant for his ears.

They continued their tour of the rooms, Seonghwa pointing out certain paintings or artists and Hongjoong listened intently. 

With what he had just learned about him, his anecdotes actually sounded like that - anecdotes. 

When he pulled him in front of a painting displaying a tavern bursting with people, he could almost see Seonghwa sitting among them. And when he explained the relations between the persons displayed in another painting, told Hongjoong who had been infatuated with who and who had secretly hated each other even though it was not visible through paint alone, it almost sounded like him telling Hongjoong the newest gossip.

After a while they stopped by the beautiful, artsy cafe that was located in the middle of the museum where multiple rooms spilled into one.

Hongjoong couldn‘t decide between three cakes that looked equally delicious in the large display, and Seonghwa ended up ordering slices of all three for him along with a large coffee. 

The break left Hongjoong stuffed and bursting with energy from the mixture of sugar and caffeine and a smile on his lips.

„There is one specific painting I really wanted to show you“, Seonghwa said after their break as they trailed the hallways, looking a bit hesitant.

„Now I‘m curious“, Hongjoong encouraged him.

Slowly, like he was asking for permission, Seonghwa‘s hand slipped into his. His fingers were cool where they wrapped around Hongoong‘s smaller ones, but not the same icy cold they had once been.

Seonghwa smiled at him and tugged at his hand to drag him along, through a hall, along a hallway, past a couple of open doors, into a corner of the museum they hadn‘t been to yet.

It was a smaller exhibition room, only enough space for a few pieces that adorned the walls. On the one opposite to them hung a rather large painting and in front of it was a red leather seat, worn with age and use.

Seoghwa pulled at his hand again and guided him to the seat, sitting down together on the leather that creaked beneath them.

They were alone here, a sense of peace lingering in the room.

Seonghwa didn‘t let go of Hongjoong‘s hand, and Hongjoong didn‘t either.

„This is the one“, Seonghwa said, nodding towards the painting in the golden frame that was before them.

It displayed a room, maybe an atelier or even a small exhibition space, full of people dressed in expensive clothes. Mostly men, but a few women among them as well, and in the middle of them a figure Hongjoong recognized immediately.

„Wait, that‘s you!“, he exclaimed as he saw him.

He didn‘t look at the inscription on the painting. Didn‘t want to see the year it had been painted because it would only remind him of Seonghwa‘s timelessness again. 

„I don‘t look at this painting a lot to be honest“, he said, sounding somewhat bitter. „It is… strange to me.“

„Why is that?“

„There is no way of telling from the image, but I remember being the only vampire in the room that day.“

Hongjoong thought he could tell. Could see that Seonghwa was different, another kind of beauty, almost like the old religious paintings that displayed an angel among shepherds. 

„And while you cannot see it“, Seonghwa continued, „the truth is it was growing more and more difficult for me to be around humans in general around this time.“

Hongjoong nodded.

„I can imagine.“ We are temporary after all. Here, and then gone again . „Someone who isn’t immortal can probably never really understand what it’s like.“

Hongjoong expected Seonghwa to tell him exactly that. To tell him of the struggle, of seeing the people you care for age in front of your eyes. Knowing they would never accompany you for long. Reminding you of your own immortality, and with that, how futile these relationships were.

But to his surprise, he didn‘t.

„No, that is not the reason“, Seonghwa said. „It had a part in it, yes. But it was not the reason.“

Hongjoong tore his eyes from the Seonghwa in the painting to the one here and now, looking at him expectedly.

He sighed. „Do you remember what I told you when you asked me why I don‘t drink from humans anymore?“

Hongjoong thought back to how pained he had been back then, his resolves stripped thin.

„You said you were afraid of using someone.“

„I fear I have only told you part of the truth“, he said, his expression shifting back to a pained one - not quite as much as back then, but a shadow of it.

„I was afraid of using someone, yes. But I was also afraid of being used.“

Hongjoong frowned, not understanding what he was trying to say.

So Seonghwa just pointed at the picture again, with the hand that was not interlaced with Hongjoong‘s.

„That Seonghwa you see there. He used to drink from humans, the very humans you see around him in the painting. He used to overindulge. On the artists and the painters and the creatives. Because that was what he thought he wanted, and because that was what they asked him to do.“

Hongjoong tried to imagine who they were, what they had been like, and how it must have felt for them when Seonghwa had drank from them, all these years back. But his mind came up blank. 

„It soon became clear to me that those who searched for refuge in a rush, soon became incapable of living without it“, Seonghwa continued. „I am sure you know the image of the addict artist, who draws inspiration from the high. Musicians who can only compose with cocaine in their systems, turning poison into art that can make millions weep.“

Seonghwa pressed his lips together.

„They called me their muse and let me live the illusion of being a part of something grand. But in truth I was little more than a drug dealer for an addict with a paintbrush. Supplying them with the poison that they needed to be able to create.“

He was staring at the painting, intensely, as if it was the last time he would see it. And then he turned to Hongjoong again, a pained smile was on his lips.

„So that is why I did not drink from humans for so long. And that is why it is so strange for me to look at this painting.“

Hongjoong squeezed Seonghwa‘s hand, trying to convey how he felt through a touch.

„I am sorry this happened to you.“

He shook his head. „Don‘t be. I am just glad I was able to break my resolve after such a long time. I am glad you showed me it could be different.“

When they left the room with the painting again, their hands were still interlaced.

Hongjoong was glad Seonghwa hadn‘t let go. 

✦

Seonghwa grew visibly more comfortable with being outside once the sun had set.

The early fall night air was still warm enough for him to take off his coat, his skin like marble in the light of the streetlamps now that he was only in his well fitted black shirt.

They had stayed at the museum until it closed, looking at paintings and sculptures, and Hongjoong had only realized how late it had gotten when they had been the last ones left in the vast halls.

The museum was located in a nice part of the city, all broad streets made for walking or biking, lined with trees and small parks where people went on dates or walked their dogs when the sun was still out.

Now not many people were here, most probably in one of the nice restaurants in the closeby district, or already at home. 

It was peaceful, their small walk to Seonghwa‘s car, and even though they didn‘t speak, it wasn‘t awkward at all. It was comfortable. Easy, like breathing.

Hongjoong‘s knuckles brushed Seonghwa‘s at one point where their hands swung between their bodies. He quickly withdrew his hand, blushing, even though he had been holding his hand the entire time they had been inside. 

Still, out here it felt like crossing a line. Who had drawn it, he wasn‘t quite sure.

Much too soon they reached the car, and when Seonghwa held open the door for him, Hongjoong noted how he didn‘t want to go home.

He got in anyways, sinking into the comfortable seat. The car turned alive under him and soon he and Seonghwa were back on the street.

„This was one of the best days I‘ve had in a long time“, Hongjoong said, leaning his head back against the headrest and looking up at Seonghwa. „Thank you for taking me.“

„I am glad. I am very happy you let me show this to you.“

He smiled at him fondly. 

„You know“, Hongjoong said. „Sometimes I‘m jealous of you.“

„For what?“

„Because you don‘t sleep. So a good day never has to end for you. It can just go on forever and ever until you decide it‘s over.“

He chuckled. „I do not think that is how days work.“

„That‘s because you lack perspective.“

„Oh, I do?“, he raised an eyebrow, sounding amused. 

„Leave me my logic.“

„If we play by your logic, does that not also mean a bad day never ends? Without sleep to draw a definite line, who is to say that a bad day does not go on forever and ever?“

He didn‘t sound like he was making fun of Hongjoong. More like he was actually trying to see the idea through to the end.

Hongjoong thought back to all the nights he had gone without sleep. A cocktail of drugs and paranoia rendering him unable to find rest, sometimes for multiple nights in a row.

Sometimes they don’t end. For some people, a bad day does go on forever.

He didn’t say it though, didn’t want to destroy the peaceful aura surrounding them right now.

„Still, whatever it is. I don‘t want today to end.“

For a bit it was quiet. As Hongjoong mustered Seonghwa‘s face, illuminated by the passing streetlights, it was clear he was thinking about something.

„It doesn‘t have to end yet“, he eventually said. „You haven‘t had dinner yet. I could take you to a restaurant or…“

Hongjoong laughed. „You really think I could still be hungry after the three slices of cake you bought for me at the cafe?“

He seemed a bit flustered, shrugging.

„Sometimes I forget how often humans have to eat.“

„You literally worked in the medical field.“

He pouted. „You forget these things when you are only surrounded by vampires for some years.“

Seonghwa seemed like he had to muster up courage to speak next, eyes focused on the road.

„If you are not hungry, we could also…“ He cleared his throat. „Do you want to come to my apartment?“

This took Hongjoong by surprise. He sat up in his seat.

This didn‘t have to mean anything, he quickly told himself. 

Maybe Seonghwa was just lonely. Maybe he also wanted some company, to not let the day end already.

There was still a rosy tint to his cheeks, the shadows under his eyes practically nonexistent. He didn‘t look thirsty.

This didn‘t have to mean anything.

„I‘d love to“, Hongjoong said.

He had known Seonghwa had quite a bit of money from the car he drove and the fitted clothes he wore and the fact that he never stopped working.

Still, the apartment building Seonghwa parked his car in front of managed to make Hongjoong do a double take. 

They had changed course to one of the richest districts of the city, high rise office buildings and gated communities replacing the buildings Hongjoong was used to. He was pretty sure he had never even been to this part of town except for maybe delivering cocaine to some CEO at one point.

Seonghwa‘s apartment building was the tallest in the area, all sleek metal and perfectly clean glass facades and when they went inside, a receptionist greeted them, Seonghwa even by name.

„Good evening, Dr. Park“, she said and that made Hongjoong almost laugh, knowing how much Seonghwa hated the formalities.

He did not let this show though, politely returning the greeting.

Inside the elevator, Seonghwa tapped a key card against a panel instead of pressing a button. 

Here it was that Hongjoong actually noticed that he was nervous. 

Why was he nervous? He put his hands in the pockets of his jeans to stop them from shaking and hoped Seonghwa wouldn‘t notice his accelerated heart rate.  

They had been close all day, but this was different. The confined space of the elevator gave off the illusion of privacy, of being shielded from unwanted eyes, even though Hongjoong knew there were probably security cameras installed here. 

With how close Seonghwa was to him in here, Hongjoong was glad the elevator came to a halt just a few seconds later, on the very top floor.

Of course he lived in a damn penthouse. Hongjoong really shouldn‘t have been surprised at this point.

When Seoghwa unlocked the apartment door to their right with his card and led Hongjoong inside, he couldn‘t suppress a gasp.

„Wow“, he said quietly, taking in the room around him.

It was a huge apartment, all open space safe for two doors.

The inside matched the outside, black and chrome dominating the room decor that despite the colors somehow managed to seem inviting and almost cozy.

In front of them was an expansive living room, a sofa and multiple armchairs facing a huge flatscreen TV that almost filled up the entirety of a half wall that seperated the room from what seemed to be a study, lined with bookshelves.

To their left was a kitchen and dining room, highly modern with everything a chef‘s heart could ever desire, but it looked pristine and polished, as if it had never even been touched before.

But the thing that drew Hongjoong’s attention the most was the fact that the opposite wall was nonexistent. Or, better to say, it was all made of glass, with no distinctive start or end. A huge window that led out to a balcony that ran along the entirety of the apartment.

All of it was perfectly clean, and elegant, and almost a bit unreal.

„It‘s a bit much, I know“, Seonghwa sighed next to him and only now did Hongjoong realize he had been staring with his mouth open.

„Yeosang insisted I invest in some real estate. He is the one who knows about these things while I have never found a passion for it.“

Hongjoong shook his head. „No its - it‘s nice. It‘s very you.“

Seonghwa smiled at him and for a moment they stood there like this, in the entrance of his apartment, smiling at each other like two idiots.

After a while, Seonghwa snapped back into reality, coughing.

„Oh, do you want to sit down maybe? Make yourself comfortable?“, he pointed at the large black sofa. „I should offer you something, something to drink or to eat.“

His eyes darted to his kitchen. „I would cook you something, but I do not have anything at home. I was about to say the only thing I can offer you are blood bags but I do not even have those at home at the moment.“

Hongjoong laughed. It was strange to see Seonghwa flustered - it was usually the other way around. Seonghwa with his neverending aura of calmness surrounding him, and on the other side Hongjoong, who was a neverending nervous mess.

„You can cook?“, he asked instead, an eyebrow raised.

„I have been told I am a great cook. Which I cannot confirm myself, but if you let me cook for you one day I will show you.“

Hongjoong cocked his head. „The day I say no to seeing Dr. Park Seonghwa in an apron is the day you can institutionalize me.“

He emphasized the doctor and Seonghwa playfully rolled his eyes.

Seonghwa suggested they sit down on the sofa and watch a movie together, but Hongjoong had another idea.

„Can we go out on your balcony for a bit?“

And so they did. 

The air had turned chilly since they had gone inside and all the way up here there was a bit of a breeze that was tucking at them.

But the view was more than worth it. 

The buildings in this part of the city were still lit alight and living and the streets below them full of cars. But it was all very faint, so far away from them, like they were in another world up here.

Standing out here like this with Seonghwa reminded Hongjoong of one of the first times he had talked to him - really talked to him - when they had stood outside on the balcony of the club.

It seemed ages ago even though it could have only been a couple of weeks. How fast everything had changed.

„What are you thinking?“, Seonghwa asked.

„That if I were you, if I never had to sleep - I would spend my entire night out here, just looking over the city like this. Making up scenarios in my head about what was happening in the streets below me.“

Seonghwa smiled at him. „You would grow sick of it soon I can imagine.“

Hongjoong confidently shook his head. „Never. Not with all the time in the world to spare.“

And there it was again, that comfortable silence. Without a hint of awkwardness or need to fill it with mindless conversation. A sense of calm as they just stood there. Existing.

„Can I ask you something, Hongjoong?“

He hummed.

„This might sound strange but… I have been wondering“, Seonghwa started, and when Hongjoong looked over at him, he was fumbling with his hands. „I was not going to ask, but since you brought up the topic, I could not get the thought out of my head.“

Hongjoong had no idea what he was alluding to.

„One of the other reasons vampires sometimes surround themselves with humans is not only because of their blood. Some also do it because sometimes, if you are lucky, we are actually capable of falling asleep next to a human we“, he hesitated for a moment. „A human we trust.“

Hongjoong looked at him in confusion.

„I have never heard of that before.“

„It is not very common. And most of my kind do not see any benefit in it and would rather spend their time doing something they deem worthwhile. But I - I have just been wondering if…“

While I do like a clear mind, endless time to explore it without the escape of true sleep or a poison to dull it does make it feel like a prison after a while. I can‘t help but wonder what it is like to cloud it for a while.

The words Seonghwa had said to him the last time they had looked over the city like this together. He somehow understood them better now.

„You do not have to of course“, Seonghwa quickly corrected himself. „I should not have asked.“

Sleeping here, in Seonghwa’s apartment, in Seonghwa’s bed? The thought made Hongjoong nervous. Felt strangely intimate.

And there was the other thing - the fact that he knew he wouldn‘t be able to sleep, not with his anxiety keeping him awake. Would have to disappoint Seonghwa by not being able to fulfill his expectations.

But a part of him was curious. Told him to give this a chance. 

And before he even knew it, he spoke.

„I will do it.“

Seonghwa seemed genuinely surprised at that. „You will?“ 

He nodded. „It is worth trying.“

Getting ready for bed was awkward. 

Seonghwa led him through one of the doors into his bedroom, which was decorated almost exactly like the rest of the apartment - a large, king sized bed with dark sheets that looked like no one had ever slept in them. 

Everything was clean and illuminated by the lights of the city that poured in through yet another glass wall.

„Do you not feel watched like this?“, Hongjoong asked, pointing at the window.

Seonghwa laughed. „Don‘t worry, it is mirrored. I can look out, but no one can look in. I also had a special filter installed so the sunlight doesn‘t hurt me.“

He pointed Hongjoong to the large en suite bathroom and told him where the spare toothbrushes and towels were.

„Do you - do you want a change of clothes?“, Seonghwa offered and Hongjoong nodded, despite feeling blood rush into his face at the prospect of wearing something that belonged to Seonghwa.

He laid a simple black shirt and sweatpants that looked to be roughly Hongjoong‘s size on the counter and told him to take all the time he needed to get ready.

The clothes were big on him when Hongjoong put them on after washing the day off of him, leaving his own street clothes folded on the counter as neatly as possible to not destroy the pristine environment Seonghwa had going on.

The fabric was soft on his skin and Hongjoong couldn‘t help but self-indulgently bury his face in the front of the shirt for a second. 

It smelled like Seonghwa.

When he opened the door to the bedroom again, Seonghwa was in the middle of changing, only dressed in a pair of sweatpants. 

Hongjoong knew he should have averted his eyes as they met the naked skin of his back, glowing in the lights that fell through the window and emitted from the lamp on the bedside table. 

But he couldn‘t.

He was all lean muscles and clean cut lines, almost like the statues they had seen at the museum, his skin like marble. Hongjoong could only stare at the way his back muscles flexed as he pulled a grey sleeping shirt over his head.

And then he cleared his throat.

Seonghwa turned around. „Did you find everything?“, he asked.

Hongjoong nodded, still standing in the door awkwardly.

„So uhm… how do you want to do this?“

Seonghwa also didn‘t seem to have an answer for this, fumbling with his hands for a moment. 

„I thought we could - just lie down. And try to fall asleep. To be honest I don‘t really remember how it works, the whole sleeping thing, so…“

Hongjoong smiled at him encouragingly. „Lying down sounds like a good first step.“

Seoghwa‘s bed was comfortable and soft like an embrace, the mattress and sheets hugging him as he settled between them. 

Seonghwa lay down next to him too, after turning off the lights, leaving enough space between them that another person would have fit in the gap. Looking at him with wide eyes.

„You can come closer if you want to“, Hongjoong said. „I don‘t bite, unlike someone else.“

It earned him a low chuckle. Seonghwa actually scooted closer to him, until they almost touched, but not quite.

They both turned so they lay on their sides, facing each other. Seonghwa reached out to take one of Hongjoong‘s hands in between both of his that he had removed the rings from.

„Is this alright for you?“, he asked. „Am I making you uncomfortable?“

„Why would you make me uncomfortable?“

Seonghwa brushed a thumb over the back of his hand. 

„You are trembling.“

And he was right, there were the slight tremors that went through his hands. 

"Oh that", he said. "That's just the anxiety. I am used to the tremors, I don't notice them too much anymore."

The corners of Seongwa's lips turned downwards. 

"I wish I could help you with this." 

He looked at him through his huge, kind eyes that reflected the city lights streaming through the window. 

"You can." 

The words fell from Hongjoong's lips without him intending to speak them out loud. 

“Wait, forget I said that. It doesn’t matter”, he quickly paddled back.

"How?", Seonghwa still breathed. 

Hongjoong was suddenly shy. Shy about asking, unsure if it was the right moment. But he spoke anyway. 

"Just - I have noticed that when you bite me, it kind of… settles me. The venom takes the anxiety away, you know? Not forever, but at least for a bit."

Seonghwa's expression was unreadable as he took in the words. Like he was debating with himself. 

"Do you… want me to help you with it?" 

It was tempting. The offer right there. 

Hongjoong always prided himself on his self control, ever since he had started his new life. On being able to make the hard decisions that were necessary. 

But what if this wasn't a hard decision? What if it was just San's unjustified concerns rubbing off on him, making him doubt? 

What if it was this easy for once? 

"If you" - he inhaled - "if you don't mind." 

Seonghwa nodded. "Only a bit. I don't want to drink a lot from you again, not this soon. Just enough that it takes the anxiety away, okay?" 

"Okay", Hongjoong whispered. 

His hands were trembling more now though he was not sure if it was his usual tremors, or the fact that Seonghwa was moving closer to him. 

Seonghwa was hovering over him, Hongjoong instinctively rolling onto his back and letting his head fall to the side. 

The shirt was too large on him anyways, exposing his neck all the way down to below his collarbones. 

The way Seonghwa was looking at him, it was not like the first two times. Those had been brought upon them through desire, through urgency and desperateness.

Now there was no thirst or fear bringing them to this point, but simply Seonghwa wanting to help Hongjoong. 

His pupils were slightly dilated, but it could have been just the darkness they were clouded in.

They were - calm, safe for Hongjoong‘s hands that trembled where he placed them on Seonghwa‘s shoulders to draw him closer.

Softly, Seonghwa tucked a strand of hair behind Hongjoong‘s ear. The other hand slipped in the space between Hongjoong‘s lower back and the bed, pressing against his body to make him slightly arch his back.

The movement brought his neck closer to Seonghwa, until he felt a touch of his lips on his skin, right over his pulse point.

Another shiver went through Hongjoong‘s body. Seonghwa answered it with a kiss on his neck.

„Shh. I will take it all away. Okay?“

„Okay“, he whispered back.

This time, it was different when Seonghwa bit him.

The pain not as sharp, as if he was just nipping at his skin, instead of fully burying his teeth in his neck. 

The venom not a punch in the gut that fully took over everything that he was, but rather a warm feeling of content that spread through his veins slowly, reassuringly.

The spinning in his head more of a slow movement, a turning motion that left him floating, but not disoriented. 

And when he concentrated on his body, on the here and now, he could feel how his hands stopped shaking. How a feeling of calm settled over him, as if all his problems had been solved the second Seonghwa had opened up his skin.

He could feel how grounding Seonghwa‘s body was where it pressed into him, the hand on his lower back an anchor in the stormy sea.

Even as his fangs left his neck again, there was no pain. 

Just calmness, as he sealed the bite with a swipe of his tongue.

And as he leaned back and looked at Hongjoong, his eyes were huge and dark, but not the darkness that scared him. The darkness that looked kind and inviting and caring.

There was no blood on his lips this time, as if he had taken care not to spill anything. Just the natural arch of them that Hongjoong found his glances darting towards.

Seonghwa didn‘t move to roll off of him, just kept staring at him with these huge dark eyes of his.

And there was his old friend again, the desire. 

The desire that crept up his body, made him feel warm inside like flames lapping at his skin. But this time, just like the rush, it was more controlled, less overwhelming. More like a crackling fireplace and less like a destructive inferno.

An urge to reach out to Seonghwa and hold him close. Be near to him, feel his skin on his.

A hand came up to cup Hongjoong‘s cheek. Soft, tenderly.

„Hongjoong“, Seonghwa whispered, and his voice was tainted by the same sentiments. „May I kiss you?“

He was unable to say anything, so he just nodded.

The hand on his cheek wandered upwards, to bury itself in Hongjoong‘s hair. And as the one on his lower back urged him to arch his back again, Seonghwa was suddenly so close again. Only a breath apart.

And a moment later, their lips connected.

It was like the bite - soft and unhurried and calm.

Not like the first time they had kissed, when it had felt like a need, like a drop of water on the tongue of a man lost in the desert. 

This, right here, just felt like breathing.

Seonghwa‘s lips were so, so soft under Hongjoong‘s as they moved together. Chastely at first, before a tug on Hongjoong‘s hair made him gasp and Seonghwa used the moment to slide their tongues together.

The taste of copper was still there, but it wasn‘t overbearing. It was almost sweet. There was no fear when Hongjoong‘s tongue brushed against the sharpness of Seonghwa‘s fangs, so utterly sure he would never hurt him.

How long they kissed like this, Hongjoong didn‘t know. The venom and the flames in his body left him in a state where time was insignificant - only the kisses they shared, the breath in the air between them of meaning to him.

Still, despite how much more controlled it was this time, he could not ignore the desire that lit him alight - did not want to ignore it.

And he could sense it affected Seonghwa, too. Sensed it in the way Seonghwa gripped his hair, in the way he gasped in between kisses, in the way the outline of his hardness pressed against Hongjoong‘s thigh.

„Seonghwa“, he breathed as they pulled apart for a moment. 

„What is it, dear?“

The nickname was foreign to Hongjoong - old fashioned and strange, but somehow it felt right.

„I want to“, he started, but became too shy to finish the sentence. 

„What do you want?“ His voice a breathless whisper.

As an answer, Hongjoong just let one of his hands trail down between their bodies, sliding along the front of Seonghwa‘s shirt, where he could feel his muscles through the thin fabric. Stopping only shy of the waistband of his pants, just above where he pressed into Hongjoong‘s thigh.

„Can I take care of you?“, Hongjoong said, with all the courage he could muster up.

Seonghwa‘s eyes went wide.

„You“, he said. „You do not have to. I did not bite you to coax anything like this out of you.“

Hongjoong shook his head. „I want to.“

„Oh.“

For a moment it was quiet, like the thought needed a moment to register.

„Let me make you feel good, Seoghwa“, Hongjoong whispered, and that was all it seemed to need to push him over the edge.

„Okay. If you - okay.“

He rolled onto his back, slightly parting his legs so Hongjoong could settle in between them.

Under normal circumstances he would be a nervous mess right now. This picture, Seonghwa before him, leaning against the headboard, ready for Hongjoong to please him - it should have made him freak out.

Hongjoong had given blowjobs before, and he knew he was good at them. But Seonghwa surely had so much more experience than he had, more than he could ever have. 

All the lovers that had accumulated over the centuries - normally Hongjoong would spiral, comparing himself to them.

But the venom was still fresh in his veins, hindering his anxiety and nervousness from creeping up his body, leaving him calm and confident.

He acted purely on instinct and muscle memory, as he slid his hands up Seonghwa‘s thighs, admiring the lean muscle there. 

Hesitantly, he let his hand slip into Seonghwa‘s pants, tugging at them so they sat low enough for him to take out his cock and wrap his hand around it.

He shifted on his knees, coming closer to him, and as he gave the head the first experimental kitten licks, Seonghwa gasped.

The feedback encouraged Hongjoong to take him into his mouth properly, wrapping his lips around the tip and sucking at it. 

It had been a while since he had last done it, and he remembered not really caring about the last guy he had been intimate like this with. It had purely been an exchange of pleasure.

Now he did care. Made sure to have his teeth tucked away behind his lips, to slide his tongue up the length of his dick and flick it just below his tip, like he knew would drive him insane.

Used his hands to cover the part where his mouth could not reach, and pushed his throat to open up further, ignoring his gag reflex as it threatened to close around Seonghwa.

He was so lost in the moment, in the need to give pleasure to him, that he noticed he hadn‘t even looked at Seonghwa properly. Had just gone by the tiny noises he let out. The gasps and sharp inhales of breath and the way his hands tightened in Hongjoong’s hair from time to time.

And when he did look up, Seonghwa‘s cock shoved all the way down his throat, meeting his eyes to see his reaction - Seonghwa let out a moan. A proper moan that ripped through the silence.

„God, you‘re doing so well“, he said, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. „You are so beautiful.“

Beautiful .

This time he was sure he hadn‘t imagined it, had heard it loud and clear.

He continued with even more fervor, and after a while, Seonghwa gave him a warning tug at his hair that he ignored. 

Just kept sucking him off, until Seonghwa’s hips involuntarily bucked up, the bitter taste of his release filling Hongjoong‘s mouth.

And when he was done, Seonghwa drew him up into another kiss, the taste of blood and cum a strange mixture on Hongjoong’s tongue, but one he didn’t flinch away from.

And then he pushed at him, so Hongjoong‘s back softly hit the mattress. 

„Is this okay?“, he asked, settling in between Hongjoong’s legs and caressing his hip.

How could he have said no? When the flames were lapping at him, the venom in his blood, and his blood in Seonghwa‘s body, and the taste of Seonghwa still fresh on his lips?

„Please“, Hongjoong breathed.

And then he returned the favor.

The moment Seonghwa‘s lips wrapped around his cock, Hongjoong was sure he saw paradise. If his head hadn‘t been spinning before, it surely did so now.

He expertly sucked at the tip, opening up his jaw so he could take all of Hongjoong in his mouth, till he hit the back of his throat. And even at that, he did not seem to gag, just swallowed around him the way that left him gasping.

At every lick, every bop of his head, Hongjoong’s hands were looking for something to hold onto, purchase, fisting in the sheets or Seonghwa‘s hair or the back of his shirt.

Seonghwa‘s hands danced around the skin of his thighs and his hips like he was an instrument to play, tucking at his strings to coax beautiful sounds out of him, and sounds he did make. 

His whines and moans filled the silence of the apartment at every touch.

And when he came, he had Seonghwa‘s name on his lips, tumbling over them like the last chords of a song, like a harmony, resonating in the air as the pleasure filled his mind.

After they had cleaned up and settled back into the sheets, they did not speak much. Did not have a need for it. Let the silence of the night speak for them as it spread between them.

Seonghwa drew him into a last kiss, a chaste one, all closed lips and sparks on their skin. 

And as Hongjoong fell asleep, he was truly and fully calm.

✦

The sun rays that fell through the window awoke Hongjoong.

Judging by the angle of them, it was still early morning - usually a time where he would either rush out of bed to get ready for university, or on the weekend, groggily turn over again with a sigh and try to get as much sleep as possible while he could.

Today, everything was different though.

Because he actually wasn‘t used to waking up to sun rays on his face, his bed angled the other way. His bed definitely wasn’t this soft either usually. And he for sure wasn‘t used to waking up with his face buried in a broad chest that slowly rose and fell under him. 

His eyes flew open again as he realized where he was.

He was in the middle of Seonghwa‘s huge bed, tucked under his bed sheets that had shifted during his sleep to now only barely cover him.

His head was resting on Seonghwa‘s chest, legs tangled together, an arm slung over his waist.

Hongjoong blinked, trying to make sense of his state. When had he fallen asleep? And how? 

If there was one thing he knew, that he had been completely convinced of, it was the fact that he was not able to sleep with another person in the room.

Years of having to watch his back, of sleeping with one eye open, of flinching and waking up at the slightest noise or movement had made sure it would become a curse he was unable to break.

But he had actually slept, his head on Seonghwa‘s chest.

And the only thing that was even more startling than that - Seonghwa was asleep too where he lay under him.

Hongjoong sat up, blinking in disbelief, trying to take in the scene before his eyes.

He had been sceptical when Seonghwa had approached him with the idea, never having heard of vampires choosing to sleep or even being able to. 

But there he was, his face relaxed and peaceful as he slept. 

For the first time, Hongjoong was brave enough to look at him - properly look at him, how he always wanted to.

Seonghwa‘s skin was flawless under the sun beams that filtered through the window. Pale, but with a lively blush to his cheeks that Hongjoong knew to be his own blood. 

His lips were plump and red with a beautiful arch to them and where they were slightly parted, his stark white fangs peeked out between them. 

But not even they could make him seem threatening right now.

His hair was tousled, nothing like its usual meticular styling. Dark against his skin, just like his long eyelashes that fanned out over his face. Hongjoong would be able to count them if he wanted to.

But before he could, Seonghwa‘s eyes squeezed for a moment before slowly fluttering open. Slightly at first, blinking, and then properly.

The first thing he looked at was Hongjoong.

He seemed disoriented, like he wasn‘t sure what had happened. And then a sigh came from his lips, a sigh of deep content.

„Good morning“, Hongjoong whispered, as low as possible so as not to break the peace of the moment. „Sleep well?“

Seonghwa stretched, almost like a cat would, arching his back off the bed, and then placed a hand on Hongjoong‘s thigh where he sat next to him.

„The best sleep I have had in centuries.“

He smiled at him and it took everything Hongjoong had in him to not lean down and place a kiss on these beautiful lips, to not lie back down and tangle his limbs with Seonghwa‘s again.

„Don‘t exaggerate“, he deflected instead.

„No, I am serious. I cannot remember the last time I was able to sleep through an entire night. It is a very… unusual thing for vampires.“

And again, he looked at Hongjoong - really looked at him, like he was trying to solve a riddle.

„Thank you“, he whispered and it sounded so sincere Hongjoong could only respond with a nod and a shy smile.

Hongjoong didn‘t ask what that meant. 

What it meant that he had been able to fall asleep next to Seonghwa. What it meant that Seonghwa had been able to fall asleep next to him.

Because it was easy to create a scenario in his head of what he would have liked it to mean. 

That he was somehow special. That what he and Seonghwa had was something he had never had with any of the other humans, all the artists and painters and creatives. 

But he feared that the truth would be a disheartening one were he to ask. 

That he had simply been at the right place at the right time. That it was a coincidence. That it only had to do with the fact that his blood smelled alluring to Seonghwa or that he had freshly drank from him.

„How was it?“, he asked instead.

Seonghwa closed his eyes. „Incredible. My mind was silent for once. I forgot what that could feel like.“

„So no dreams?“

He shook his head. „That I think is still something purely reserved for humans.“

No dreams also meant no nightmares, Hongjoong thought, but the thought was a bitter one so he shook his head to get rid of it. Much like Seonghwa who had suggested that if a perfect day could be eternal, a dreadful one could be too.

No dreams, no nightmares.

Hongjoong thought that was a fair exchange.

Especially when the here and now was better than anything his dreams could ever have mustered up.

Chapter Text

After that night, Hongjoong couldn‘t go through his days without randomly blushing whenever the memories took over his mind. The pictures of Seonghwa, losing himself in his pleasure, blissed out just like Hongjoong had been - and knowing he had been the reason for it.

They texted more frequently now, Seonghwa checking in with Hongjoong throughout the day or sharing random thoughts with him. 

Seonghwa:

Yeosang is bullying me and I demand a new immortal best friend because I cannot spend another century like this.

Hongjoong:

did he put back the doctor on ur name tag

Seonghwa only responded with a photo of his chest, name tag attached to his coat, where the Dr. had been crossed out and added again a whopping five times, all in different markers, making the tag unreadable. 

It coaxed a chuckle out of Hongjoong.

Hongjoong himself had become more brave too, carefully crossing that self-imposed line he had drawn between himself and Seonghwa from time to time by sending him a selfie when he was in class or getting off work.

Which quickly turned out to bite him in the ass, because Seonghwa sometimes responded with a selfie in return, and they always looked like the oil paintings of grand masters they had looked at in the museum. 

One time Hongjoong actually dropped his phone in the middle of a lecture when he clicked on one of them because he had been so stunned, which had earned him a couple of turned heads and a disapproving glance from his professor.

Work was hard and the presentation for his civil society class was looming over his head, but Hongjoong found it unusually easy to deal with these things these days.

Everything was great… except for one thing.

Ever since he and Seonghwa had crossed over into more intimate territory, ever since he had seen what the venom could do to him apart from taking away his anxiety and giving him a rush - he couldn‘t stop thinking about Wooyoung.

Hongjoong had avoided him the days after he had come back from the school reunion party, a sinking feeling in his stomach everytime he thought about him. 

When Wooyoung had drawn San into a tight embrace upon picking him up from Hongjoong‘s apartment - he had felt the sudden urge to hold San back, to tell him not to go with Wooyoung. 

Hongjoong didn‘t know why he felt like this. He had had his inhibitions about Wooyoung in the beginning, yes, back when he had thought the boy was nothing more than a troublemaker who would drag San down. 

But that was years past, his trust for Wooyoung built up layer by layer over time and now almost unyielding.

So why was he feeling like this?

It wasn‘t until a few days later, when he was deep in thought again about Seonghwa and how it had felt to be bitten by him, to be with him, when his thoughts trailed to Wooyoung.

He let Yeosang drink from him, too.

And he thought about San. San knew Yeosang drank from Wooyoung. But did he know the implications of it? Wooyoung hadn‘t told Hongjoong about these side effects, so was it safe to assume he also hadn’t told San?

He knew how San felt about Wooyoung, how much he adored him. He saw it in the way his eyes lit up everytime he was around, in the way his dimples where on full display every time Wooyoung made a dumb joke or played with his halo-like hair.

It would rip his heart out if something - or someone - came between them.

Hongjoong knew it wasn’t his place, that he didn’t have a right to insert himself in their relationship or whatever it was they had.

But the urge to confront Wooyoung about it didn‘t leave Hongjoong, constantly at the back of his head, scratching at his skin.

And he felt himself growing more and more aggravated the longer he didn‘t.

That was until he found himself alone with Wooyoung in his apartment one day, while San was out feeding the cats.

„So, what problem do you have with me these days, hyung?“, Wooyoung said as soon as San was out the door. He didn‘t sound mad, just genuinely curious.

Hongjoong stopped where he was just cleaning the table. 

„What makes you think I have a problem with you?“, he said, not very convincingly.

Wooyoung rolled his eyes where he was lounging on the sofa.

„Come on, the last time you glared at me like that was when I was still in high school and you thought I‘d corrupt your sweet little San.“

Hongjoong didn‘t answer, squaring his jaw.

„He‘s not my San.“

A short silence.

„Oh so it is about him?“

„Why would it be about San?“

He chuckled. „Because you always look like this when you go full protective mode over him.“

Hongjoong scrubbed at the table a bit too harshly at that. He wasn‘t sure why it annoyed him so much that Wooyoung could read him like that.

„Will I at least get a hint to what I did wrong?“, Wooyoung asked, sounding unbothered.

Hongjoong stopped cleaning and looked up at him. 

He couldn‘t hold it in any longer.

„I know you two have this whole thing of we’re not making anything official, no labels going on and that’s all great and everything. But you know it would fucking break his heart if there was someone else, right?“

Wooyoung sat up at that, confused look on his face. Hongjoong felt his own expression harden.

„What?“, Wooyoung said.

Oh, so he was playing dumb.

„You know what I mean“, he said between gritted teeth.

„Seriously, hyung. I have no idea.“

Hongjoong threw the rug he had been cleaning with on the table.

„You and Yeosang?“

Wooyoung blinked at that. Once. Twice.

„Me and Yeosang?“, he repeated slowly, as if to try out the unfamiliar words on his tongue.

Hongjoong crossed his arms. „Yes. You‘re letting him drink from you, we all know that. I do, and San does, too. You conveniently left out what that includes.“

For a second there was a tension between them, like it was ready to snap any second. Hongjoong‘s fists tightened where he had them tucked under his arms.

And then, Wooyoung started to laugh.

Laugh so hard that he had to bend over on the couch.

„Why are you laughing?“, Hongjoong snapped.

He wiped away a tear. „God, I was wondering how long it would take. Yeosang and I were placing bets. You and your hot doctor have finally done the dirty?“

Hongjoong felt blood rush into his face at that.

„That doesn‘t have to do with anything. Why didn‘t you tell me about the side effects? Does San know?“

„Hyung“, he said, finally stopping with the laughter. „San knows.“

„You can‘t tell me he‘s okay with that. I know how he feels about you, if he knew what you were doing there‘s no way he-“

„Yeosang is asexual.“

That made Hongjoong shut up instantly. He stood there with his mouth still open in protest, looking stupid probably.

„What?“

„I wasn‘t planning on going around telling everyone because it‘s not my place announcing everyone‘s sexuality to the world, but since you look like you‘re probably gonna beat me up otherwise - yes, he is asexual. And aromantic.“

Hongjoong felt a wave of guilt wash over him, feeling dumb for not even considering that, for just assuming. 

But also a wave of relief. 

„So you aren‘t…?“

Wooyoung chuckled. „No, I am not cheating on San. Yeosang drinks from me because he likes the taste and the feeling of being close and connected to someone for a bit and because I am a delight to be around.“

Hongjoong rolled his eyes.

„We get along well“, he said. „But that‘s it. I don’t even think anything real could ever come out of something like that - you know, with him being immortal and all. I think there’s a reason you never hear of vampire-human couples. We’re probably little more than mayflies to them if it really comes down to it. Maybe entertaining for a bit, but ultimately gone again soon.“

Hongjoong bit his lip and averted his eyes. He didn’t know why, but it somehow bothered him hearing these words, even if it was the obvious truth at hand. 

Wooyoung apparently misinterpreted his silence as lingering doubt, because he continued.

„Really, hyung. If you want to know the specifics, San actually likes that it gets me all hot and bothered when Yeosang drinks from me. Because when I come home that means I will-“

„Ugh, stop stop stop!“, Hongjoong said, waving his hands and pulling a disgusted face. „I didn‘t need to know that!“

Wooyoung laughed a screeching laugh. „You asked!“

When he had gotten rid of the unwanted images in his head, Hongjoong actually found himself a bit embarrassed that he had assumed Wooyoung and Yeosang were a thing.

„Can I be honest with you?“, Wooyoung asked, his tone suddenly serious, more serious than he had maybe ever seen him. „I love San. Like, I really, really do. I want to ask him to be my boyfriend, officially.“

He smiled to himself. „And I will. One day, when he‘s ready.“

Hongjoong didn‘t ask what was stopping him, what was making him think San wasn‘t ready. Because he knew him. He knew that something committed like this would freak him out, even now. 

San had told him himself that he never planned anything long term. Never made plans for the next year, and sometimes not even for the next month, because he had lived all his life convinced he wouldn’t even see the change in calendar. Sometimes even convinced he wouldn‘t see the next sunrise.

So why bother?

„So, San is completely okay with Yeosang drinking from you?“, Hongjoong asked to distract himself from the painful thought.

Wooyoung nodded. „Yeah, why wouldn‘t he be?“

Hongjoong fumbled with his hands. The image of San, just a while back, still plagued him. How hurt he had seemed, almost betrayed, when Hongjoong had told him Seonghwa had drank from him.

„Just… he found out about me and Seonghwa. That, you know, he bit me. And it really upset him.“

Wooyoung frowned. „Why would it upset him?“

„I think he‘s worried that I am falling back into old habits. Which is super irrational.“

That earned him a sigh from Wooyoung. „Can you blame him? You‘ve worried about way smaller things when it has come to him.“

He wanted to tell him he had every right to be worried. That he didn‘t know San how he did, that he didn‘t know how bad it had been once. 

But he stopped himself. 

Because maybe he did know. Maybe Hongjoong should finally stop being suspicious of Wooyoung when all he had ever done was be there for San.

When he was planning on being by his side forever.

„Can I ask something of you?“, Hongjoong finally said.

Wooyoung just looked at him expectedly. 

„I know Seonghwa and Yeosang are very close. So he will probably know when Seonghwa drinks from me again, and you probably will, too.“

„What are you implying?“

Hongjoong sighed. „San can‘t know.“

„Hyung…“ A frown spread on Wooyoung‘s face.

„Please“, he said. „You know how tough everything was last semester, how much he was struggling. I told him Seonghwa only drank from me twice and even that hit him hard. When it happens again, please don‘t tell him. I can‘t have him spiraling because of me.“

There was obvious conflict written all over Wooyoung‘s face.

„I don‘t think keeping things from San is the right way to protect him.“

„Wooyoung, please“, he begged. 

He seemed to think it over for a while, but eventually he hesitantly nodded.

„Okay. He won‘t hear it from me“, he said. „But please, don‘t lie to him. And don‘t let things get out of hand.“

Hongjoong exhaled, relief washing over him.

„I won‘t. I have everything under control“, he said, with all the conviction in his voice that he could muster up.

I have left these patterns behind. We both have.

✦

Having Seonghwa drink from him became… somewhat of a habit for Hongjoong after that.

As if all he had been waiting for was an absolution, the knowledge that no word of it would come to San - and when he had received it, there was nothing holding him back. 

Like a dam broken. A line crossed.

Seonghwa still had his reservations, always so worried about taking too much, about overwhelming him with the poison, about doing something that would hurt him in some way. 

Sometimes when Hongjoong subtly craned his neck for him, or let his fingers brush over the faintest shadows that were resurfacing under Seonghwa‘s eyes, the touch a silent question - he swallowed and slowly shook his head. 

„Not today“, he would say, „It is too soon since I last drank from you.“

All of it still could not hide how much Seonghwa wanted it himself. 

He could see it in the way his eyes ever so often flickered to Hongjoong‘s neck when they talked. In the way he sometimes inhaled a bit too deeply when he shifted to be closer to him, an almost inaudible sigh on his lips.

In the way that on the days that he did drink from him, that very sigh would turn into breath in the air, filling the room for both of them to hear.

They often met in the library, at the table that had been Seonghwa‘s and had now slowly turned into theirs. Everything was as it had been before, but there was a different dynamic now, a longing that was tangible in the way they acted around each other.

And when Hongjoong invited Seonghwa to come home with him after they had finished studying, the moon high in the sky and the fall air crisp on their skin, he almost always said yes.

They usually ended up at Hongjoong’s apartment, since it was much closer to university, unlike Seonghwa’s which was at the other end of the city. 

It had been strange at first, seeing Seonghwa there, especially when he thought back to the opulent penthouse he lived in that Hongjoong’s apartment could in no way compare to. The interior always a bit too mismatched and messy.

It had made him quite anxious, the first time he had brought Seonghwa around, his hands trembling more than usual until a pair of fangs sinking into his skin and poison spreading beneath it took the tremors away along with all the insecurities that had plagued him.

Seonghwa seemed to be able to sense it whenever Hongjoong felt like this.

„It‘s okay“, Seonghwa would whisper in his ear. „I am here.“

And then he would hold him tight, right there in Hongjoong‘s bed where they were shielded from the rest of the world, and pierce his skin until he drew blood and gasps from him.

The gasps would turn into moans, as crisp in the air as the cold that had come so quickly so suddenly, neither of them expecting it. 

And they would let themselves go, let the poison and the rush take over until Hongjoong‘s head was spinning and Seonghwa‘s thirst was quenched. 

Let the flames of desire lick at their skins and embraced the heat instead of putting out the fire.

Seonghwa would reach in between them and take Hongjoong in his hands, or kiss along his neck and chest until he reached the waistband of his pants, to then take him in his mouth until Hongjoong saw paradise.

And Hongjoong would do the same for him. Until they were left panting and flushed, tousled hair and an identical blush on their cheeks that was made of the same blood.

They never went further than this. Never undressed each other more than necessary to give each other access, for drinking or for pleasure.

Seonghwa never slept over. Never fell asleep beside Hongjoong like he had that one time. Hongjoong would always go to bed alone and wake up alone.

When he looked at the mirror when he was getting ready the morning after, Hongjoong sometimes got lost in the sight of the faint scars that were littered on his neck. 

Seonghwa tried to bite down at roughly the same spot every time so they would not become too many, but that also meant that the skin barely ever had enough time to properly heal over before it was opened up again, no matter how well Seonghwa sealed it up.

Hongjoong didn‘t care. 

He liked it.

He liked seeing them on his neck, the bites, almost like physical proof that it had all been real, that he was not imagining it.

And they only kissed when Seonghwa was drinking from him. When the desire spread between them, they did not stop it. Their lips meeting hastily, tasting of copper. Their kisses confined to the excuse that it was their bodies taking over, the rush of blood.

They always tasted of copper.

They never kissed hello, or goodbye. Never when they sat next to each other under the moonlight in the library. Never when Seonghwa picked him up from university, leaning against his car, pushing a strand of Hongjoong‘s hair behind his ear as a greeting.

Hongjoong‘s eyes would flicker down to his lips when their stares met, when it was just the two of them. He knew the shape of them by now, could feel their plushness on himself when he closed his eyes.

How they felt against his own, how they felt kissing down his neck, how they felt when they gave him pleasure.

He however did not know what they tasted like. Not really.

In his head they always tasted of copper. 

Sometimes he caught himself wondering what they would taste like without the familiarity of desire and blood on them. 

But that was another one of the lines he did not dare to cross.

Who had drawn it, he was not quite sure.

✦

As much as Hongjoong liked to complain about work, it honestly wasn’t that bad most of the time. 

Of course, working at a restaurant always came with its downsides - the late, sometimes unpredictable hours, the impatient, sometimes rude customers, the physical toll of carrying heavy trays all day.

But he had weighed the negatives against the positives and decided that the stress was worth it. He could push through a hard shift, even when he dreaded them sometimes, if it meant keeping the life he had fought for for so long.

This time though, everything just came together.

The day had started out bad enough. 

Hongjoong hadn‘t gotten any sleep. Again.

Wooyoung was gone for the week, visiting his family that lived in another city, so San was staying at Hongjoong‘s apartment. 

Which was great, he loved nothing more than San‘s company. He somehow grounded him. Reminded him of the real reason he was doing all of this, of the times they had spent together. Just the two of them.

But the truth of it was, it also kept Hongjoong from getting proper sleep.

And now, added to it, it also meant Hongjoong couldn’t meet up with Seonghwa for the entire week. 

It was not only that he could definitely not invite him over to his apartment, to do the things they had been doing more and more often lately. Not with San there. But Hongjoong was also terrified of doing them somewhere else. 

Because what if San caught sight of a fresh scar? A trickle of blood on Hongjoong’s collar that he had not noticed being there? His pupils, suspiciously dilated like they always were for a while after?

And without Seonghwa, Hongjoong‘s anxiety seemed to spike. Which in turn, did not help with the sleeping problem.

„Good morning, hyung“, San had greeted him in the kitchen this morning. „I made you coffee. Extra strong.“

His eyes had been apologetic, as if he knew Hongjoong had not gotten a minute of sleep. He probably did know, Hongjoong was not good at hiding his tiredness.

It still broke his heart seeing San visibly beat himself up over it, chewing on his lip over his cereal.

It wasn‘t his fault. It wasn‘t his fault Hongjoong was so broken he couldn‘t even sleep in a room with his best friend.

Hongjoong had tried to drink his coffee as enthusiastically as he could considering it was so bitter it almost made him flinch. 

He'd never tell San that though. 

"Maybe we can watch a movie together before we go to sleep today?", San suggested. "Like old times you know? There was a time when you could never stay awake for an entire movie, remember?" 

Hongjoong shot him the biggest smile he could manage in his drained state. 

"I'd love that."

And the way San‘s dimples resurfaced, even just slightly, made the tiredness worth it.

The mess that was Hongjoong‘s day continued later at university.

He had decided to approach his professor about the presentation that was a constant stress factor in the back of his head. 

Hongjoong had tried to sit down and start it. He really had. And he had things he knew he could say, knew exactly what would be expected of him and what his classmates wanted to hear.

But he also knew that there was no way he could stand in front of them and do it. 

Couldn‘t stand there and tell them about the things he had locked away, for no one but himself and the people he cared about.

His professor had frowned when he had asked him about changing his assignment.

„This is already the second chance I am giving you. Why would you want to change it?“

Because of the curious eyes that look at my scars when they think I don’t see them The vultures that are circling over my head, hungry for a good story they can gossip over.

„I just don‘t think I have any insights into these organizations worth sharing“, Hongjoong tried to find an excuse.

His professor knew of course. The way he looked at him - that hint of pity. He knew.

„Oh, I am confident that you especially have insights that would be very valuable to share with the class.“

When Hongjoong did not answer, avoiding his eyes, he seemed to sense what the issue was.

„If you do not want to speak about something too personal, you can always choose something else, as long as you have had personal or work experience with it“, he said. „Any internships or past jobs, you are free to choose.“

That was the problem. He didn‘t have any of that.

His life had been so defined by the drugs, it was the only thing that made up who he was. The life with drugs, and then the life getting away from them. That was him, that was what he knew.

He had never had the opportunity for internships or for gaining job experience, always fighting to scrape by.

„There is also no way to switch it to an essay?“, Hongjoong asked.

Sharing his past with one professor who already knew the jist of it seemed less bad than sharing it with a lecture hall.

But he shook his head and said it would be either a presentation or a failed class, his choice.

So he thanked him for his time, through clenched teeth and burning eyes, and left to go to his job.

His eyes were still burning by the time he made it to the restaurant. 

The fact that he was late did not help, having missed his first bus because of his unsuccessful conversation with the professor.

He threw his backpack into the lockers in the changing room and hurriedly put on his uniform, the black slacks and dress shirt that suited the more upper class environment of the restaurant.

He noted how his hands were slightly trembling from lack of sleep and anger about the entire situation as he buttoned up his shirt.

When he was done he rushed past the kitchen to pick up his shift, hoping no one would notice him coming in late.

„Not so quickly, Hongjoong“, the voice of his manager stopped him.

He halted, turning to the man who was standing in the door to the kitchen. He was a stern looking man who ran the restaurant with an iron fist and little tolerance for mistakes. All the employees tried to not look him in the eyes for too long, because he would always have something to criticize.

„What do you think you are doing showing up to your shift like this?“, he said and in the way his tone was laced with venom, Hongjoong knew he had done something really really wrong.

„I am sorry, Sir“, Hongjoong said. „I know I am late, it will not happen again.“

He shook his head. „I have been very patient with you and your… special circumstances, Hongjoong, only because you are a hard worker. We have fought it out and I have even allowed you to keep your hair like this.“ He pointed at his split dye that he had deemed unprofessional and not fit for his restaurant when Hongjoong had first showed up with it.

„But this is really pushing it now.“

He moved his hand to now be pointing at Hongjoong‘s collar. 

At first he had no idea what he meant and why his face was so stern, almost appalled. But then he let a hand fly to his neck and noticed he had forgotten to button up the top two buttons in his haste.

His eyes widened.

The bite marks.

„Sir, I-“

„It is no concern of mine who or rather what you decide to spend your free time with. But it is completely unacceptable to show off the signs of this questionable lifestyle for the customers to see. It will put them off.“

Hongjoong‘s face grew hot and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to suppress a comment that was better left unsaid. His eyes were burning even more now.

He quickly buttoned up the last two buttons instead, hiding the scars with his high collar.

The manager nodded. „This will do. I do not want to see a sign of - this“, he vaguely gesticulated, „in my restaurant again. And now off to work, you are on duty in the private booths tonight.“

Hongjoong frowned. The booths were the hardest area to work in the restaurant. There were way too many of them and it was easy to lose track of which orders you hadn’t taken yet. He bit his tongue to not argue with his manager though.

Work was as hard as he had expected. 

He was scheduled to work with Ryujin, one of his favorite coworkers, but even that brought no relief, Hongjoong too busy to talk to her properly, always running back and forth between the booths, the bar, and the kitchen. 

God, he was so tired and shaky.

„New table for you in booth 8, Hongjoong. They should be ready to order soon“, the voice of the hostess called out to him as he passed her. He gave her a nod and put down his tray to make his way to the section where the new table was.

The booths all had sliding doors, shielding them from the rest of the restaurant to give the customers some privacy. It was not unusual to see well dressed men and women book one to discuss a business deal over dinner, or wealthier couples who were celebrating an anniversary.

Hongjoong slid open the door to booth 8, his fake customer service smile painful on his lips.

It died immediately when he saw who was sitting there.

Multiple heads turned to look at him where he stood, frozen in place.

„Oh, well that is what I call an unexpected surprise“, the man at the head of the table said with a smirk. 

No. No. No.

This could not be happening.

„Kim, wasn‘t it?“

His voice sent a shiver down his body. He was shaking.

Hongjoong had been so sure to never see this face again in his life, yet here it was, like a ghost coming back to haunt him.

„I“, Hongjoong started, but his throat was constrained and no sound came out. „If you would excuse me please, I will be right back to take your order.“

Without another word he closed the door again, slamming it into its hinges a bit too forcefully.

As soon as a barrier was in between him and the booth, he rushed down the hallway.

He had to go. Had to leave now, never go back to the booth again.

Hongjoong crossed the restaurant with quick steps, almost ran, ignoring a customer he almost bumped into, and went straight into the storage room, hiding in the cooler.

It was his go-to place whenever he was close to breaking down during a shift.

The crisp, icy air in the room usually helped him calm down when he was close to tears whenever a customer was rude to him or his manager screamed at him.

Today it did nothing to calm him, not even a bit, as he hid between the shelves of produce.

God, he was shaking so much.

No. This couldn't be happening. 

He had been so sure he would never see the faces again he had seen in this room. Had expected to get to a point in his life where he wouldn‘t even recognize them anymore were he to run into them on the street.

Just ghosts from a life long dead and left behind.

But it had only taken one look, one sentence, to send him right back into that old headspace.

He knew he could not hide for long, but he could also not go back to that booth.

He slowly opened the door of the freezer and peaked out. 

At exactly that moment, Ryujin passed him.

He hissed her name to get her attention and when she looked up, waved at her to come in.

She seemed confused, but slid into the room with him.

„Why are we hiding in the freezer“, she said, rubbing her arms as her breath was visible in the air. „And oh my God why do you look like you‘ve seen a ghost.“

He shook his head. „Please, I need you to do a favor for me.“

She frowned. „What is it?“

„Can you cover booth 8 for me?“, he said.

She shifted her weight, hesitating. „Hongjoong, I can‘t just take over your section.“

„I am begging you. I can‘t serve that table. I will switch with you, give me any of yours. Give me two of yours, or three, I‘ll cover anything.“

She shook her head. „It‘s not because I don‘t want to help you. I‘ve heard you getting in trouble with the manager today. He assigned you the booths for a reason, he knows they are the hardest to work. I‘ve seen him watching you like a hawk, he will notice you just switching tables and then we‘ll both get into trouble.“

God, she was right. He had to work the tables he had been assigned or he would risk losing his job.

He knew that. But he couldn‘t .

„You can do it“, she said reassuringly, placing a hand on his shoulder as if that would help anything in the situation he was in, and then she left the freezer.

Hongjoong followed her.

His legs were stiff as he walked back to booth 8, as slowly as possible, his eyes unfocused as he tried to keep his memories at bay before they overwhelmed him again.

I will just pretend to not know them , he thought as he slid the door open again. 

He cleared his throat, looking up from where his eyes had been glued to the floor.

„My excuses, there was something urgent that came up“, he said, trying to make his voice sound as stable as possible. „I would be ready to take your orders now if you had a chance to look at the menu.“

He tried so, so hard to not look at the head of the table, keeping his eyes on the few people in the room he did not know.

„Oh come on, Kim. Why so formal? We are old friends aren‘t we?“

And at that he couldn‘t stop himself. He turned his head and his eyes met with the man who sat at the head of the table like he owned the place.

„Or do you not recognize your friends anymore?“, he asked. There was a hint of a threat in his voice as he raised an eyebrow.

„Of course I do, Mr. Bang“, Hongjoong said, shrinking under his stare.

A laugh fell over the man‘s lips. „I think now that you don‘t work for me anymore, there is no need for these old hierarchies, right? Call me Chan.“

Hongjoong could only nod, slowly.

„So come on in. And close that door behind you. You can probably imagine, we are discussing things that are better discussed in private.“

With shaky steps he stepped into the room, feeling like it was a lion‘s den, and closed the door behind him.

Only now did he see the other people in the room properly. There were some faces he recognized, like the young, blonde man that sat next to Bang Chan. He had always been by his side, but he had never contributed to the deals really.

By the look of Chan‘s hands on his thigh he seemed to be there more for his entertainment than anything else. 

The man on his other side was called Minho if he recalled correctly. He had always seemed intimidating to Hongjoong for some reason, albeit not as much as their leader.

They were all dressed in suits and had files with them, just like the brokers that sometimes frequented the restaurant. Though Hongjoong guessed their contents were concerned more with the prices on the cocaine market than the stock market.

„Long time no see“, Chan said, leaning back in his chair. „Rumor has it you left for good.“

He nodded. „Yes I“, he cleared his throat to get the words out. „I have been out for a couple of years now.“

„Good, that‘s good. I am glad to hear you did not just disappear to run for someone else instead.“

There it was again, that threat in his voice.

He immediately broke it up with a laugh that resonated in the small room, making Hongjoong flinch.

„A shame still, you were good. A hard worker. Right, Felix?“

The blond man next to him almost purred a yes and leaned into his shoulder.

„Made good money too back then, hmm?“

This time the question was meant for Hongjoong, Chan‘s eyes focused on him. „Surely what you make here is pennies compared to it. Waiting on tables… it‘s honorable work, don‘t get me wrong. We do enjoy the food here quite a bit. But surely the wage is probably just barely enough to scrape by, am I right?“

They laughed. They all laughed.

Hongjoong‘s face grew hot.

It was back then that I had barely enough to scrape by , he wanted to scream. I was living in a trailer most of the time because the money all went straight back into getting high . 

Every penny you gave me for selling your drugs, I all gave it back to you to get some for myself so I wouldn‘t get sick, wouldn‘t lie in agony from the withdrawal symptoms kicking in. But you don‘t care about these things, right? As long as I made you money.

He said none of these things. Just stood there, staring at the floor, trying to stop himself from shaking before they saw how much they scared him. How much he had to fight to not let the memories of the time overwhelm him.

„It pays the bills“, he eventually gritted out between his teeth. „It is worth it for me.“

Chan cocked his head.

„I am happy to hear it“, he said, but it did not sound sincere. It sounded mocking. „Well then, let‘s not keep you from your work any longer.“

They ordered all their most expensive dishes and bottles of wine, and Hongjoong shakily scribbled it down, knowing he would not be able to memorize it like he usually did, not in his state.

When he closed the door behind him, he exhaled, almost slumping against the wall.

And from there on, it just went downhill.

He could not continue with his shift as usual, not with the presence behind that door. Not with his past having snuck up on him and stab him in the back when he had least expected it.

He messed up orders. Had to tell customers to repeat themselves multiple times because his ears were ringing too loudly for him to understand them. Ran into Ryujin twice, one time while he was holding a tray of drinks, spilling them.

He cut his hand trying to clean up the glass from the floor that had shattered in the accident, and for a moment he could do nothing but stare at the blood on the cut until a customer asked him if he was okay.

Whenever he had to go into booth 8, he tried to not look at Chan. Didn‘t want him to see how much of a mess he was. Didn‘t want to hear that voice again.

They were the last customers to leave, Ryujin and the other waiters already having gone home with the restaurant empty except for their booth. 

„Thank you for your service today, Kim“, Chan said, signing the check. „It was delicious.“  

Hongjoong could see him scribble a tip on it that was more than he had earned on all the other tables combined today. More than he had earned all week . 

„A taste of the old times“, he said with a sly smile when he slid it over.

Usually he would have rejoiced at a tip like that. Now, it just made him feel sick. He almost wanted to rip the check in half.

„It was good seeing you again. A reunion with old friends is always something to celebrate, right?“

Hongjoong stiffly nodded.

At that, Chan stood up and extended his hand. Hongjoong did not want to shake it, but he knew he had to. All the eyes in the room were on him.

Chan‘s grip was firm, almost oppressing, and when Hongjoong drew back his hand, there was a piece of paper in it, with a phone number scribbled on it.

Chan leaned in and whispered in his ear. „If you want to properly catch up again. Or ever need anything. Whatever it is, no strings attached. Friends help each other out, right?“

Hongjoong froze in place, looking at the paper in his hand, before folding it and shoving it in his pocket.

When he exited the restaurant, he broke down.

It was dark out where he stood at the back of the building, the sky clouded over to not even let the moonlight peak through. And it was cold, but that was not the reason for how much he was shaking.

It was the sobs that suddenly wrecked him, sneaking up on him from nowhere, rendering him unable to stand up right. He slid down the wall until he hit the concrete of the parking lot. 

He was shaking so much and he just couldn't stop crying. 

He would never get rid of his past, he realized then and there. 

Every time he thought he had finally done it, had built a new life for himself, it would just come back. 

Always. 

In the form of a nightmare, or a flashback that sent him spiraling, or a face from his old life.

He had thought he had it together. But he didn't. If he did, he wouldn't be sitting here, in the parking lot of a restaurant in the middle of the night, bawling his eyes out and hugging his knees to his chest to keep his body from trembling violently. 

He couldn't go home like this. He probably couldn't even find his way to the bus stop in his state. 

What could he do? 

His mind could only come up with one name. 

Seonghwa. 

Shakily he pulled his phone from his backpack that still had a bit of battery left and pressed call on his contact. 

He picked up immediately. 

"Hongjoong?"

The familiar voice drew another sob from him, but it was one of relief. 

"Are you crying?" 

Another sob. "I don't know what to do, Seonghwa."

"Hongjoong, you are scaring me. Are you hurt?" 

He shook his head and then realized he could not see him.

"No. No, but-", he exhaled shakily. "I just-" 

He couldn't finish his sentence. 

"Where are you?" 

"Work", he managed to get out between sobs. "By the parking lot." 

"I will come and pick you up. Don't move, okay? I will get you." 

It seemed like it was only seconds later that the black Mercedes sped into the parking lot, headlights flashing, though it must have been Hongjoong's panic that was distorting time for him. 

He only heard the break of tires and the slamming of a car door and in the next moment a pair of strong arms was pulling him up to his feet. 

"God Hongjoong, you are freezing cold", Seonghwa's voice was all around him where he pressed Hongjoong's face into his chest, stroking his head. 

"I'm sorry Seonghwa, I just-" 

"Shh, you don't have to explain now. Let's get you home first." 

He immediately shook his head, panicking. 

"No", he said, almost pleading. "I can't go home. Not like this. San can't - he can't see me like this." 

San would spiral. 

If Hongjoong can do it, you can do it, too . The reminder he lived by. 

But Hongjoong can't do it , he thought. I am a mess, I am barely keeping it together myself. It's all a lie. 

San couldn't know that, he could never know any of it. Hongjoong had to keep up the facade, for his sake.

"Okay", Seonghwa said when he saw the urgency in his eyes, not questioning him further. "Let me bring you home to my apartment then. Is that alright with you?" 

Hongjoong nodded, staining Seonghwa's shirt with his tears as he did so. 

When he had maneuvered him into the Mercedes, he immediately turned the seat heater on the highest setting. 

Hongjoong stopped crying by the time they left the restaurant behind them. 

The shivers stayed, phantom-sobs still shaking his body every couple of seconds as he blankly stared out the window. 

He felt guilty. So guilty. 

"I'm so sorry for scaring you like this", he whispered. "I just, didn't know who else to call." 

When he turned his head to look at Seonghwa, he looked deeply concerned. 

"Don't ever apologize for calling me when you need me. I will always come for you." 

The world was blurry, city lights all melting together outside the car window through Hongjoong's tear stained eyes. 

He was at least coherent enough to send San an apologetic message that he would not be making it home today. 

He tried to make it sound as normal and happy as possible to not worry him, but as soon as he put his phone away he had forgotten the excuse he had made up again. 

He would be hurt. He would not understand at first why Hongjoong left him to sleep alone.

But it was the only way.

As soon as the door of Seongwa's apartment closed behind him, Hongjoong started crying again. 

He just couldn't stop it, no matter how hard he tried. 

"Please, tell me what is wrong so I can help you", Seonghwa said, sounding lost. 

He pulled him down on the sofa with him, putting Hongjoong's head on his own shoulder and raking his fingers through his hair. 

Hongjoong tried to tell him, he really tried. 

But every time he opened his mouth, another wave overcame him and the words would just turn into tears. 

Alongside the tears, he felt the panic creeping up his body again as well. He couldn’t stop himself from turning around every couple of seconds to see if anyone was there, sneaking up on him. A knife meant for his back. 

The memories he had kept locked away for so long were all there, fresh in his mind. 

Seonghwa tried to calm him down, tried holding him close and tried giving him space, but nothing worked. 

"Hongjoong, please. Tell me how I can help you.“

He sounded lost. 

„I don‘t“, Hongjoong hiccuped, „I don‘t know .“

Seonghwa frowned, pushing Hongjoong‘s hair out of his face gently. 

“I only know one other way to calm you down. And this is not the time for it.“

The words didn't even really register with Hongjoong in his panic at first. But when they did, he desperately started nodding. 

His hands found their place in the fabric of Seonghwa's shirt, holding onto him as if he were his lifeline. 

"Yes. Yes, please Seonghwa."

He looked at him out of these big kind eyes of his and looked deeply conflicted. Scared almost. 

"Are you sure? This is - you can't consent to this right now, not like this." 

Hongjoong didn't care about any of it. The only thing on his mind was the paranoia, the panic that was shaking him to his core. 

He would do anything to stop it. 

So he just violently nodded again. 

"Please", he managed to get out in between sobs. 

And slowly, Seongwa nodded. 

He didn't go for the neck this time. Hongjoong couldn't have stayed still enough to give him access anyways. 

Instead took his wrist in his hand, where his old scar lay, the scar from the life he had thought to have left behind.

And he covered it with a new one. Opened the skin and replaced the old wound with a fresh one.

Gently bit down. 

It only took a moment for the effect of the venom to show. 

Hongjoong's sobs were the first thing that stopped. Then went the panic, the urge to look over his shoulder disappearing. Last was the shivers, the fear, the trembles that had made it impossible for him to speak or breathe or think . 

For the first time, the venom left him more coherent than he had been before. 

His head was… quiet.

When Seonghwa drew back, he didn't look like he usually looked when he drank from Hongjoong. 

Normally he looked like a new person. Content and smiling and with so much fondness in his eyes as he pulled Hongjoong into a kiss that tasted of copper. 

Now, he just looked guilty. Guilty, and scared. 

"Hongjoong, will you please tell me what happened?" 

And he told him. Told him everything that had happened from the moment he had stepped into the restaurant. 

Told him about his past, about who these people were and why seeing them again had sent him spiraling. 

Seonghwa just listened. His face was void of any judgment, only deep sadness. 

"So that is it. That is the mess that I am. I am so sorry you had to see it."

When Hongjoong was done, Seonghwa just shook his head and pulled him into a hug. 

His embrace almost brought the tears back to Hongjoong's eyes. 

"Please, don't speak about yourself like this. It is not your fault that you are hurting."

"It is my fault that I made you see it." 

Seonghwa stroked his hair. 

"Always know that you can show me all that makes you you. Especially the bad things. They will never make me think any less of you."

When he tucked him into bed later and embraced him once again, held him close, he wanted nothing more than for Seonghwa to kiss him. 

Wanted to draw him down until their lips met, wanted Seonghwa to touch him and whisper in his ear how beautiful he was. 

They always kissed when he drank from him and Hongjoong craved the feeling of it, the feeling of Seonghwa . 

But today was different. Today he hadn't drank from him because he had wanted to.

It had brought none of the intimacy with it that it usually brought. 

None of the bliss. 

Just the absence of pain. 

No nightmares, but also no dreams. 

As Hongjoong fell asleep on Seonghwa's chest, he swore to himself that he would never allow it to be like this again. 

Chapter Text

Facing San the next day was hard. Hongjoong had pushed it off for as long as he could, sleeping in at Seonghwa’s apartment and then stopping on the way home to grab a late breakfast and coffee, the guilt gnawing at him the entire time.

When he couldn’t avoid it any longer and walked into his apartment, he almost hoped San would be out feeding the cats. But he was there, sitting on the sofa, reading his battered version of Gone with the Wind, as he so often did.

It was clear though he wasn’t actually reading. Just staring at the pages in front of him, with red eyes that were swollen from fatigue or tears or both.

Knowing how bad his nightmares sometimes got, it was probably both. He was slumped over, looking utterly exhausted.

It was a dagger in Hongjoong’s chest, knowing he would not be looking like this right now if he had just come home.

He shook his head. No. It would have been worse if he would have gone home. If San had seen him broken down and at his limit. Now at least he could see him after a good night's sleep with a practiced smile on his face - the picture of the functional Hongjoong that he needed.

San was so in his head that he only noticed Hongjoong when he gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

„Hyung“, he said, his voice hoarse and still soft underneath. He seemed slightly disoriented when he looked up from his book.

„Hey Sannie“, he said and ruffled his hair. He didn‘t ask how he had slept or how he was doing. It was obvious.

San put the book away. „How is Seonghwa?“

Hongjoong tried not to frown. He really should have checked his messages beforehand that he had sent San last night in his delirium. He couldn‘t even remember that he had actually told him Seonghwa had picked him up, the whole night little more than a blur.

„He just wanted to hang out“, he said, trying to sound nonchalant. „He picked me up from work after my shift. I’m sorry I didn‘t tell you before, it was kind of… spontaneous.“

San‘s face was hard to read through his facade of fatigue and teary eyes. It was like staring at a book but only seeing the pages, not their content.

„Why did he want to hang out that late?“, San asked, avoiding his eyes.

„What do you mean?“

He shrugged.

„Is the situation with the blood supply still not better?“

For some reason, the question felt like a punch in the gut. It had not been said with any hint of malice, yet it made him feel bad, used almost. 

The words burned in his scars on his wrist and his neck that he had covered up diligently before coming home.

„That’s not the only reason he would want to hang out with me.“

It came out more harshly than intended. Almost sounding hurt.

San looked at him at that, eyes wide at the sudden emotion in his voice. 

„It’s just what I’m used to with Woo. Like, when he meets up with Yeosang it’s strictly for… that.“ 

Hongjoong crossed his arms.

„It doesn‘t have to be like that. Seonghwa and I, we are… different.“

„Different?“

„We‘re friends.“

The word burned on his tongue like it was a lie that had scorched itself into his flesh. It burned in his scars where Seonghwa had bit him, on his wrist and on his neck, painting the exact picture that San had of them. 

And it burned on his lips, the lips that had met Seonghwa‘s in heated kisses so many times, a heat that burned deep inside of him and spelled out a million different words, friends not among them.

But all those words were words he couldn’t try to spell out, couldn‘t even think about.

That was a line he could not cross. 

Because it ultimately didn‘t matter what word he would pick among all of them. It would only be the word he chose. 

We are just mayflies to them. 

San seemed to sense his inner conflict, frowning.

„So, he didn‘t ask you to hang out so he could, you know-“ 

He didn‘t finish the sentence.

„So he could what?“, Hongjoong insisted.

„Drink from you?“

He shook his head.

„No, it wasn‘t like that, I promise.“

It wasn‘t even a lie, but it felt like one. 

Seonghwa hadn‘t asked to pick him up with the intention of drinking from him. Seonghwa hadn‘t asked at all. San‘s conclusion was right, but he could never know that, and he could also never know what had led to it being true.

So he put up his most confident smile.

„Didn‘t I tell you I wouldn‘t make a habit out of it?“

He shifted in his seat.

„So, he really is not drinking from you anymore?“

The smile on Hongjoong’s face was suddenly aching.

He was quiet for a moment.

„No“, he eventually said. „No, he doesn‘t.“

Saying the words felt like crossing a dangerous line. 

Because up until now he had managed to not actually lie to San. But he had cornered him and brought him into a situation where he now had to lie. Because the truth would have hurt him too much. 

San softened at that, his suspicion falling off of him and giving way for a guilty expression.

„I‘m sorry, hyung. I shouldn‘t have assumed. It‘s just… sometimes I get too much into my head when I haven‘t slept well.“

Another punch in the gut. Another reminder he couldn‘t be what San needed.

„I know, Sannie. I‘m really sorry I wasn‘t there yesterday. I promise, I will make it up for you. How about having that movie night today?“

This time they actually ended up having their movie night.

San and Hongjoong had used to do them all the time, back when they had lived together. A time that felt like ages ago now.

Hongjoong had always without fail fallen asleep when they had had them, and San had found it incredibly endearing, taking photos of him sleeping on his shoulder and teasing him with them the next morning, thinking it was a cute habit.

It wasn’t. 

Hongjoong had simply worked multiple hard labor jobs at once that had rendered him chronically fatigued to the point of collapsing when he finally came home. He had had to do it, to provide for them while San focused on school. Hongjoong had never told him, because San would have insisted on taking up a job himself so Hongjoong could quit one of them.

So he had let him believe it was an innocent little habit of his rather than deep exhaustion. 

Today they decided on watching Gone with the Wind, because San had said it would maybe make reading the book easier for him if he properly remembered the plot again. He just couldn‘t focus on the pages these days.

Hongjoong ultimately didn‘t care what they watched, as long as it made San happy.

And the way to do this was making sure everything was how it had always been. They ordered cheap takeout and ate it on the sofa together in their pajamas. They put the movie on on Hongjoong‘s ancient laptop, even though he did own a TV by now. They even made the overly buttery popcorn they always used to have.

Everything was how it used to be. 

And yet it wasn’t the same. Something was off. Like a bad copy.

They both weren’t really here. Out of the corner of his eye Hongjoong saw San constantly glancing at his phone, and he didn’t have it in him to tell him to focus on the here and now. He knew it wasn’t just them anymore, like back then. He knew that San missed Wooyoung, he did so even when he was gone for only one day. So a week was really pushing it. 

And Hongjoong couldn’t keep himself from doing the same, checking his phone from time to time when San wasn’t looking at him. 

He was texting with Seonghwa, who had been checking in with him every so often throughout the day because he was still worried about him after the breakdown yesterday. And Hongjoong would have felt guilty for not replying after dumping his trauma on Seonghwa like that and begging him for help in the middle of the night. He at least owed him a response.  

After a while San decidedly put his phone away, placing it on the cushion between him and Hongjoong, and sighed.

„Hyung?“

They had made it to roughly the middle of the movie. Hongjoong didn‘t really know what was happening.

„Yeah?“

„Are you…“, he started hesitantly. “Are you okay?“

He turned to look at San and when he did, he seemed sad.

„What do you mean?“

„I don‘t know. You just seem - different these days.“

„Different how?“

He shrugged. The movie continued in the background, none of them listening to the sounds of the voices coming from the old speakers.

„I‘m not sure. Sometimes you seem happier than I‘ve maybe ever seen you. Like you have that spark that I‘ve never seen. And then sometimes you look like you aren‘t okay at all. You almost look like back when-“

He stopped himself, but he didn‘t have to continue.

Back when we met on the rooftop. Back when you were plagued by your intrusive thoughts so much you didn’t think they would ever grow quiet. Back when you were shaking so much at the dinner table you kept knocking over glasses so they eventually just gave you plastic cups.

He didn‘t have to finish the sentence for Hongjoong to know. He saw it himself, in the way he was sitting on his hands right now to stop them from trembling. So San wouldn‘t see.

„I‘m okay Sannie“, he said, the words routine. „Work is just hard, and so is uni, but it‘s gonna get better. Just a bit of a rough patch.“

San didn’t look convinced.

„You know you can talk to me, right? Like, you’re always here for me. But do you actually know that I am here for you too?“

He said it so genuinely that Hongjoong instinctively put an arm around him, pulling him towards himself so he could rest his head on Hongjoong’s shoulder.

„I know, Sannie. I am okay. It‘s not like this is the most difficult thing I‘ve ever done, hm? We‘ve made it this far, right?“

He felt him humming against his shoulder.

„Yeah, we‘ve made it quite far.“

Hongjoong felt like he had to convince him he was actually okay. To make sure he knew he didn‘t have to worry. 

„And also, not everything is hard“, he said.

„It’s not?“

He shook his head. „That spark you mentioned. I think - I think that might be Seonghwa.“

„You really like him, do you?“

He didn‘t answer, not directly. 

„I think you would like him, too“, he said instead.

San didn‘t answer for a moment, but eventually hummed.  

„Wooyoung keeps saying that about Yeosang, too.“

The comparison stung again. Because they weren‘t like Wooyoung and Yeosang. Or anyone else in that club, where they met up for drinking and mutual pleasure and nothing else.

It was different.

They were different.

They had to be. The way Seonghwa was with him - it had to be more than that right?

We‘re just mayflies to them.

Were they really? Was he really?

„I‘m just worried about you.“

He stroked his head again.

„I know. But that‘s just us, right? We always worry about each other.“

They continued to watch the movie in silence.

San placed more of his weight on Hongjoong‘s shoulder after a while.

„I missed this.“

Hongjoong chuckled.

„We see each other every day.“

„Yeah, but it‘s not the same you know?“

Hongjoong waited for him to continue.

„Like, I know it sucked back then, when we first started getting better. When we had a shitty apartment and no money and everything. But things like this - I still miss it.“

Hongjoong somehow knew what he meant, even when it shouldn‘t have made sense.

By the time the end credits were rolling, San had long fallen asleep on Hongjoong’s shoulder.

When San‘s phone vibrated again between the cushions, Hongjoong had the urge to turn it over and glance at the screen. But he didn’t. Just kept looking at his old laptop and pretended everything was how it used to be.

✦

Seonghwa:

Hello Hongjoong. I hope this does not come too sudden, but are you perhaps free this weekend? 

The message had surprised Hongjoong. They had been texting quite regularly after the incident at work, but none of them had actually reached out to the other like this. 

Hongjoong:

yeah, I’m free!! what’s up?

Seonghwa:

I would love to invite you to my place to cook dinner for you, as I promised. If you would be interested in spending the evening with me of course. 

Hongjoong:

omg rly?? ofc I wanna come!

Seonghwa:

Perfect, bring your things to stay over as well if that is okay with you. 

When he opened the last message, he felt himself violently blush. And it continued to render him useless for the entire rest of the week.

Why he was suddenly so nervous about this, he didn‘t know.

He had slept in Seonghwa‘s bed before. They had gone out for dinner together. They had been intimate multiple times by now, Hongjoong falling apart unter Seonghwa‘s touches.

But somehow, as the weekend approached, and Hongjoong reread the texts over and over again, it felt different.

It filled him with an excitement that was usually reserved for things like first dates. And looking at the texts, it did almost sound like a date.

He shook his head as he shoved a change of clothes into his overnight bag. This was not a date. That was not what they were.

Hongjoong felt self conscious as he picked out his outfit for the night even though he rationally knew this was nothing he should overthink. It was a dinner night with Seonghwa, nothing else.

But on the other hand - it was a dinner night with Seonghwa.

He checked himself in the mirror a last time before he left and hoped to God he wasn‘t overdressed. His dark jeans clung to his thighs and hips and accentuated his small waist where his oversized white button down was halfway tucked into it, the other half going to his mid thigh.

He had styled his hair to fall into his face in fluffy waves and had even put some light makeup and jewelry on, sparkly studs in his ears and dainty rings on his fingers. Only cologne he had decided against - he usually loved wearing it, but something in his head wanted Seonghwa to be able to smell him how he was, unaltered.

As the taxi that Seonghwa had called for him - that Hongjoong had insisted he didn’t need, he could just as well use public transport - pulled up in front of Seonghwa‘s apartment complex, the nervousness amplified.

„Hello Mr. Kim. Dr. Park told me to expect you today. Here is the key card so you can use the elevator.“

Hongjoong was very much surprised when the woman at the reception actually recognized him and knew his name, and hurried to thank her and take the card. 

Once he reached the top floor, he didn‘t try to see whether the card would work on the actual apartment door, too, not wanting to invite himself in, and opting for knocking instead.

Quickly he fixed his outfit again, making sure his shirt was tucked in properly, and then the door opened in front of him.

And Hongjoong could only stare.

Seonghwa looked - soft. He was leaning in the doorway, a sweet smile on his lips that did not show off his fangs, the lights above reflecting in his round, dark eyes. His hair fell into his forehead today, not slicked back as it so often was, and instead of his usual black form fitted clothes, he was wearing a slightly fuzzy sweater, white as snow.

And over it, tied around his illegally tiny waist, he was actually wearing an actual apron.

It should not have looked as good as it did.

Hongjoong knew he was staring, but Seonghwa was doing the same, just standing there and looking, his eyes slightly wide as he took in Hongjoong‘s form in front of him.

He knew he should say something, say hello like a normal person, but his mind was blank because Seonghwa looked so etheral.

Eventually, before it could become weird, Hongjoong opened his mouth.

„You‘re wearing an apron!“

The words tumbled out and he almost slapped a hand over his face. That was not what he had planned to say.

Seonghwa‘s smile grew wider.

„You said you wanted to see me in one, and your wish is my command.“

He opened the door wider, stepping aside. „Come in.“

When he stepped into the apartment, a delicious smell immediately filled Hongjoong‘s nose. Something was cooking on the stove, and the oven was on as well.

„Oh my God, that smells amazing!“, he said.

„It is almost ready“, Seonghwa said, going back to the kitchen and stirring something. „You can go ahead and bring your things into the bedroom and then sit down.“

Hongjoong couldn‘t stop himself from blushing again when he went into Seonghwa‘s bedroom to drop his bag off - he had slept here twice already, but this felt strangely domestic today. It made him nervous.

Back in the living room he noticed that Seonghwa had moved some of the furniture since the last time he had been here. The dining table had been moved from the kitchen to now sit directly next to the huge window, overlooking the city that was slowly coming alive with sparkling neon lights as the sun set.

„When did you put this here?“, he called into the kitchen, sitting down at the table. He guessed that the side that had an actual plate and multiple sets of cutlery and glasses set up was meant to be his.

There was also a candle holder in the middle, the candles not alight yet.

This is an actual candlelight dinner, oh my God.

Seonghwa was just coming towards him, his apron now discarded, carrying a plate in his hands.

„I know you like the view. You said so last time, so I thought it would be nice if you could look at it.“

It made Hongjoong shy again. How did he always remember these little things about him? Not many people in his life had ever bothered to do so.

He got even shyer as Seonghwa stepped up behind him, reaching around him to place a plate with a creamy soup in front of him, garnished with little purple flowers.

„One second!“, he said, pulling out matches and lighting the candles, before settling down on the seat opposite of Hongjoong with a content smile. „Okay, now.“

And God, Hongjoong was weak.

He didn‘t know whether it was the city lights or the warm light of the flame in between them that made him look so soft and so beautiful in his white sweater, almost like an angel.

But he knew that there was no way he would be looking at the city below them tonight, not with Seonghwa in front of him. 

„This is only the first dish, I have prepared a couple of different things for you to try out“, Seonghwa said. „It is all things I learned to make in different places I used to live in. I hope it all tastes good, I cannot taste it myself so I have to go off memory with the recipes.“

Seonghwa was bubbly, but he seemed almost - nervous. Which was strange, because it was usually Hongjoong who was nervous in the other‘s presence.

It was endearing though, listening to him ramble the entire dinner.

Hongjoong had been scared it would be awkward, eating several courses with Seonghwa just sitting there, not being able to eat anything himself, but his fear cleared up halfway through the first course.

Seonghwa was excited, telling him the details about each and every dish, where he had learned to cook it, what went into it, what memories he associated with them.

And they were all delicious. 

Hongjoong had to keep himself from moaning out loud when he took the first spoon of the soup, and every dish after only got better and better. There was no way someone who could not taste was able to make something so complex in flavor, so incredibly good.

When he took a bite of the main dish, the flavor of the meat on his tongue was so good that he actually closed his eyes and sank into his seat letting out a giggle.

That‘s when he noticed Seonghwa had stopped talking.

He looked up at him, wondering why the neverending string of chatter had so suddenly ended.

And Seonghwa was just looking at him. His mouth was slightly open, and he looked at him like he was doing so for the first time, his eyes full of something - something Hongjoong couldn‘t quite place. 

Almost like the city lights below them.

„What?“, he said, straightening up again.

His stare was intense and full of the something Hongjoong couldn‘t figure out.

„Did I get sauce on my face?“

Seonghwa shook his head, as if to bring himself back to reality. 

„No! It’s just“, he glanced down for a second. „You look really good today.“

The words made Hongjoong blush, straightening out his shirt where it fell down his body.

„Thank you. You look good, too.“

„No“, Seonghwa said, sounding urgent. „I mean it. You - you look great.“

Hongjoong smiled at him and Seonghwa softly returned it. For a moment no one spoke, Hongjoong almost forgetting the meal in front of him.

The main course came and went, and by the time Seonghwa brought out dessert, he was back to his bubbly, chatty self, explaining everything.

Hongjoong finished the last course as well, and when his plate was clean, he leaned back in his seat with a broad smile.

„Oh my God, that was incredible!“

Seonghwa smiled. „You liked it?“

„Liked it? I loved it! Thank you so, so much, this must have been so much work!“

He waved it off. „I really enjoyed doing this for you. I rarely have the chance to cook anymore.“

„Well, if you ever have the urge, I volunteer to be cooked for“, Hongjoong said.

That made Seonghwa laugh, quiet and low just how Hongjoong loved it.

After, he went quiet, playing with his fingers that had no rings on them today.

„There was another reason I invited you over today though“, he said, sounding almost nervous again.

Hongjoong furrowed his brow. „Why else?“

„I wanted“, he cleared his throat. „I wanted to ask you something. Or rather, invite you to something.“

That made Hongjoong perch up in his seat.

„There is an… event I will be attending next week. A celebration one of my old friends, Eden, invited me to come to. It is his 1000th birthday.“

Hongjoong‘s eyes widened. A thousand years? He had only heard rumors of vampires this ancient, and he knew there were not many of them.

„Naturally he is hosting a rather large event for it, outside the city, in a private space on the coast, and he invited me to come. It will last an entire week, but I managed to talk him down so I will only be there for the three main days of the celebration that are over the weekend.“

He was still looking at his hands as he explained.

„And I would really love it if you - if you accompanied me there?“

He tentatively looked up.

Hongjoong was taken aback for a moment.

„Me?“, he asked, pointing at himself.

He nodded. „Yeosang will be there, too, so I would not be the only person you know.“

„Would it not be strange for you to bring… someone like me with you?“

The thought of a celebration among ancient vampires made Hongjoong excited and nervous at the same time. He already felt so small in Seonghwa‘s presence sometimes, how would it be to be exclusively surrounded by vampires?

„You will most likely not be the only human there, if that is what you are worried about“, Seonghwa said.

This made Hongjoong slightly relax. Yeosang would be there. So Wooyoung would maybe be there, too? It would make sense - Seonghwa was probably bringing him along so he could drink from someone while he was away, so why would Yeosang not do the same?

„And even so, I will make sure you feel comfortable. I want you to be there by my side, if you will accompany me.“

The shy look he gave him made Hongjoong smile. He nodded. „I am free on the weekend. And I would love to come with you.“

At this, Seonghwa returned his smile. But it gave way to a worried look quickly.

„Is there anything else?“, Hongjoong asked.

He shook his head. „Just, I need to prepare you for something. These people there, they are technically my friends, but the truth is, I have not seen some of them in centuries. They are not like Yeosang, or Mingi, or Yunho, or me. They are very… old fashioned.“

„What do you mean, old fashioned?“

„They hold very different and frankly outdated world views on some topics. Especially considering the place of humans.“

Hongjoong tried to imagine how they would be. What that would entail. He could roughly imagine it, thinking back to some of the things Seonghwa had said bothered him about his kind before.

„I don‘t care about that“, Hongjoong decided.

„Are you sure?“, he said. „I do not wish to make you uncomfortable. I would understand if you would rather not accompany me.“

„Do you share their opinions?“, Hongjoong said.

Seonghwa frowned. „Of course not.“

He shrugged. „Then it doesn‘t matter, right? I will be there with you. Not with any of them.“

Seonghwa slowly softened into a tentative smile, but there was urgency in his eyes, something unresolved. 

„I want to show you“, Seonghwa said. „I need you to know, before we go, that it is different for me. I need you to know that I actually care about you.“

The intensity of the words took Hongjoong by surprise. He could only sit there and blink at him.

„Things have been… strange lately, haven‘t they?“, Seonghwa said quietly.

Hongjoong’s mind went back to the night he tried to not remember. To the bite that had taken away all that had troubled him, all that had plagued his mind - but had also left him feeling empty, and Seonghwa looking guilty.

„I‘m sorry about last time“, Hongjoong said. „I know it was not okay to have you drink from me back then. It felt… wrong. I don‘t want it to be like this.“

Seonghwa agreed. „I love doing what we are doing, you know that, right?“

Hongjoong nodded. 

„I love the way you taste. And I love drinking from you. And I love doing… other things with you.“

The notion made him feel hot all over all of a sudden.

„But I want to show you that - I need you to know that-“

He seemed to struggle finishing the sentence, an inner conflict clearly displayed on his face.

„What is it?“, Hongjoog said, words barely above a whisper.

Seonghwa‘s eyes finally met his.

„Hongjoong, may I ask you to drink from you today?“

It hit him in that moment that this was the first time he had actually asked him. It had always been the other way around - Hongjoong persuading him to drink from him so he would stop starving himself, and then because he wanted to, or because he felt like he needed him to.

This was the first time it was the other way around.

And before he could think about it, a whispered yes left Hongjoong‘s lips.

Seonghwa quickly cleaned up the table, and then stepped in front of Hongjoong. He took him by the hand, pulling him up to his feet.

Like this, without his usual platform shoes on, Hongoong actually had to tilt his head back to be able to look at him properly.

He was still holding his hand.

„Come with me“, Seonghwa said in a low voice. He took him into the bedroom at that, interlacing their hands as he did so.

When the door was closed behind them, he pulled Hongjoong with him until they were standing in front of the bed. Hongjoong expected him to sit down with him so he could start drinking from him, but it didn‘t happen.

Instead he placed one of his hands on Hongjoong‘s hips, drawing circles there with his thumb, pulling him in closer. With the other, he tucked a strand of hair behind Hongjoong‘s ear and then let his fingers trail along his jawbone, and down his neck.

It sent shivers down his spine, the gesture strangely intimate.

There was something in Seonghwa‘s eyes again as he looked down at Hongjoong, the something he had seen in them before, that he could not place.

And then he leaned down, closing the gap between them, placing a tender kiss on Hongjoong‘s neck, over his pulse point.

Hongjoong held his breath, surprised by the sudden closeness. They usually sat down for this, because Hongjoong would go somewhat limp at the venom. Still, he prepared himself for the familiar feeling of fangs piercing his neck, of needles in his skin - but it didn‘t come.

Instead, another kiss followed, further up his neck this time. And another, at the juncture of his jaw. Then, one at the corner of his mouth.

And slowly, as if he were asking for permission, Seonghwa‘s lips connected with his own in a tender kiss, barely there, like a breath.

It surprised him to the point where he didn‘t return the kiss at first, frozen in place.

This was not what they did.

They kissed when he had drank from him, when they could rationalize it as their bodies taking control over their minds. Their kisses were rough and desperate and deep, not like this.

Not this soft, not this caring.

Seonghwa drew back for a second, looking at him when he didn‘t return it, and Hongjoong tried to put the yes he was thinking into his eyes. When he went back in, kissing him again, it was just as sweet as the first time.

And this time, Hongjoong returned it. Let his lips move against Seonghwa‘s, slowly, unhurried.

And when they finally, tentatively opened their lips to let their tongues slide together, it was sweet.

No blood. No flames. No copper. 

Just… sweet.

Hongjoong‘s eyes were suddenly burning and he didn‘t know why. He didn‘t know why this felt like this, why he was choking up as he was kissing him.

They had kissed so many times before.

But never like this. 

There was no rationale for this, nothing he had to explain this kiss.

After a while, Seonghwa pushed at his hips, moving him closer to the bed, and when the back of his legs hit the frame, he let himself fall back. Sink down into the mattress and the blankets that encompassed him just like Seonghwa‘s body that was soon draped over his own.

He moved them to lie in the middle of the huge bed, Seonghwa over him, and he continued kissing him.

His hand found its place at Hongjoong‘s hip again and he soon felt it untuck the shirt from his pants and slide underneath. Seonghwa‘s cold, long fingers tracing up his sides under the fabric. Skin on skin. Goosebumps where they trailed.

With one hand he kept caressing his body, with the other he slowly started unbuttoning the shirt, sliding his hand against Hongjoong‘s chest wherever he exposed a new slither of skin.

When he finally pushed the shirt down Hongoong‘s shoulders and helped him out of it, Hongjoong felt flushed all over, panting from the simple, faint touches alone.

As soon as he was shirtless under Seonghwa and saw how his eyes trailed down his body, he became self-conscious. He had never seen him like this, and his arms instinctively flew up to cross over his exposed chest.

„No“, Seonghwa whispered, pulling gently at his arms, laying them by his sides instead. „I want to see all of you.“

He nodded. „Okay.“

Next, he thumbed at the waistband of his jeans and undid the button and zipper. When he pulled them down and discarded them, Hongjoong was only left in his underwear, feeling as naked as if he didn‘t have anything on at all.

He whined, feeling exposed like this - him almost naked, while Seonghwa was still fully clothed over him.

His hands flew up to tug at the hem of his white sweater, pushing it up to reveal a small strip of skin. Seonghwa seemed to get the hint, because soon a hand was laid over Hongjoong‘s, guiding it upwards his chest, helping him take the sweater off.

A gasp left Hongjoong‘s mouth when he saw him like this - all smooth skin over lean muscles that ran up his torso, pale and unblemished like silk.

An unreal image over him, like something ripped out of a painting, a statue from the museum come to life, illuminated only by the city lights that streamed in through the glass wall.

He was so beautiful.

Seonghwa moved to pull at his pants next, and when he took them off too, they were both left only in their underwear.

He didn‘t have any more time to feel self-conscious or to overthink what was happening, because all thought left his mind when Seonghwa‘s lips met his neck again, placing an open mouthed kiss there.

Yet once again, no bite followed. Instead he traced his lips down the expanse of his throat that Hongjoong instinctively bared for him, throwing back his head to give him better access - to drink, to kiss, to do whatever he wanted.

The kisses continued down his collarbones, over his chest, along the faint lines of his abs, down to the waistband of his underwear.

Sometimes his teeth grazed the skin, but it was not to draw blood, only to give him goosebumps that soon littered his entire body.

When he next felt cold hands lightly push at his thighs he spread them, letting his knees fall to the sides. As soon as he did that, Seonghwa‘s lips found their place on the inside of one of his thighs, where his skin was the most tender and sensitive.

He could feel his pulse start to race as he traced the vein that ran right there, felt it pulsating under Seonghwa‘s lips. The sensation of fangs against the spot, so close to where his legs parted, made him shiver.

Hongjoong felt himself harden in the thin fabric of his underwear he was left in as Seonghwa pressed his fingers into his thigh and altered between kisses and drags of fangs.

„May I?“, he eventually whispered against his thigh and Hongjoong could only desperately nod.

When the teeth that had grazed his skin finally bit down, sank into the soft flesh so close to his crotch, his back arched off the bed.

He did not know what sound came out of his mouth, but he clearly heard the one Seonghwa made, the deep, satisfied growl that vibrated in his skin. 

The venom hit Hongjoong more slowly this time, not going directly to his head as usual, but spreading through his whole body first like liquid fire before the well known dizziness set in.

He was glad to be lying down, glad for the hands that steadied him, pinning him to the mattress, because the feeling would have knocked him off his feet were it any different. He almost didn‘t feel tethered to reality, like he was floating, somewhere in the air around them, not really on the bed.

And yet, at the same time, nothing but him and Seonghwa and the bed they were lying in mattered, reality compromised to this single shared space.

He did not know how long Seonghwa drank from him, but he trusted him to know when to stop before the spinning became too much, before the blood loss would overshadow the pleasure of the venom.

When he finally unsheathed his fangs from the flesh and drew back, straightening up above him, there was blood around his mouth, the same blood he could feel on the inside of his thigh on the fresh wound.

Hongjoong didn‘t care. He was panting, overwhelmed, and he needed this. His hands flew up to Seonghwa‘s shoulders and brought him down again to capture his blood-smeared lips in a kiss.

They tasted different, now that he knew how sweet they could be without the traces of copper and fire.

But he couldn‘t bring himself to care. Not when they felt so good against his own where they chased each other as if they would starve were they to stop. 

He had felt hints of this before - but never this strong. Never this overwhelming. 

When Seonghwa lowered his body so their groins touched, it was obvious they were both painfully hard. The thin fabrics separating them did nothing to cover this up, if anything they just made Hongjoong frustrated, searching for more friction as he grinded up at him, sliding together.

It earned him a low growl from Seonghwa who seemed equally as affected, touching and pressing his fingers into Hongjoong‘s flesh wherever he could reach.

„Off“, Hongjoong panted against his lips and slid his hands in between them, tugging at Seonghwa‘s waistband. 

He didn‘t know if it was the venom making him bolder, but suddenly he didn‘t care that Seonghwa would see him fully naked for the first time - he needed this, skin on skin, nothing to seperate them.

So when they both discarded the last pieces of clothing and met again in a kiss, their erections sliding together without a barrier, he could only describe it as one thing.

Paradise.

Seonghwa buried one hand in his hair, tilting his head back for better access, the other wrapped loosely around Hongjoong‘s cock, tugging at it and drawing out a moan from him.

He touched him like this for a while, until his head was spinning even more than when he had drank from him. And then suddenly, his fingers, slick with precum, brushed lower, sliding against his hole for a fraction of a second.

And Hongjoong moaned out loud, bucking up into him.

Seonghwa withdrew his hand again, pulling back to look at him, his other hand still in his hair.

„We do not have to go further than this. We can do what we usually do. Or nothing at all, whatever you want.“

His words said one thing, but his wide, glazed over eyes and his hardness against Hongjoong‘s thigh said something completely different.

„God, please“, Hongjoong said.

He bit his lip nervously, traces of blood still on them.

„Are you sure?“

He nodded desperately, tracing his hands over Seonghwa‘s chest.

„I am. I want this. Want you.“

For a second he seemed to still overthink it, but then he moved.

When his body left Hongjoong‘s, he whined, but he quickly saw that it was just to retrieve lube from a drawer next to his bed.

„I will go slow“, he said, spreading some of it on his fingers. 

„I can take it“, Hongjoong insisted, growing impatient - and harder.

He shook his head, placing a sweet kiss on his lips, too sweet almost for what they were doing. 

„I do not wish to hurt you, my dear. Please, tell me if you are uncomfortable.“

Hongjoong looked up at him, trying to ignore how the name made him feel. 

„You would never hurt me.“

And he didn‘t.

Even when his eyes darkened as he kissed him again, losing himself in the moment, he never hurt him. 

Slid in one finger, ever so slowly, gauging his reaction and reading his body at every touch before he continued to add another. Crooked them inside him until Hongjoong jerked and moaned out loud.

The knowing, confident smirk that spread on his lips at that was nothing Hongjoong had ever seen on him but God if it was not the most attractive thing he had ever seen. It spurred him on to ask for more, to chase the feeling, and Seonghwa gave it to him.

Gave him everything he asked.

„Seonghwa“, he whined after three fingers. „I am ready.“

He nodded, slowly retrieving his fingers. Hongjoong whined at the loss.

But then Seonghwa was kneeling between his spread legs, tracing his thighs. And then there were hands on his hips, pulling him into a more comfortable position, pulling him closer to Seonghwa.

„You are sure?“, he asked one last time, as he lined up with him.

„Yes. I trust you.“

And then he pushed into him, slowly, bit by bit. Hongjoong held onto his broad shoulders with both hands and Seonghwa leaned down to kiss him as Hongjoong winced at the slight burn. Tucked his hair behind his ear as he always did and let his lips brush Hongjoong‘s softly.

And when he was fully inside him, he halted and straightened up a tiny bit, just enough to look at him.

A hand cupping his face, his thumb tracing his lower lip where they had fallen open in a silent gasp.

„God, Hongjoong. You are so beautiful like this.“

He buried his face in the crook of his neck, kissing over his pulse point.

„You have no idea how often I thought about this.“

The confession surprised Hongjoong. 

But he didn‘t have a chance to overthink it, because in the next moment, two things happened at once - Seonghwa pulled out a tiny bit to give him his first thrust. And at the same time, he bit down again, there in the sensitive spot where his neck met his shoulder.

Hongjoong whined as the feelings combined were overwhelming in the best way.

The bite lasted only for a second, there and then gone again. Not to really drink, but enough to send another wave of pleasure through Hongjoong‘s body, a second hit of venom that just amplified how sensitive he was, how good this all felt. 

How good it felt to be with Seonghwa.

Seonghwa made sure to go slow, all deep and languid thrusts that felt strangely intimate. The way he held him close, kissed him as he fucked into him too loving for what they were. For what they could ever be.

It made Hongjoong‘s heart race and his eyes burn behind his closed eyelids.

„You are doing so well. So perfect for me“, Seonghwa said. „So sweet. It makes me go insane.“

And his hips went faster at that, underlining the words he was whispering into his ear and into the juncture of his neck, hitting all the right spots and making him see stars.

He called him beautiful over and over again, called him dear, showered him with praise, and it did things to Hongjoong, made him dizzier than any venom ever could.

And it also confused him. Took everything he thought he had known and shattered it, blurred all the lines he had so carefully drawn, like sand in the wind.

But in this moment, none of these lines mattered, not as the pleasure built up quickly in his body, threatening to rip him apart.

„Seonghwa“, Hongjoong whined.

„Are you close, my dear?“

He nodded, not trusting his voice. 

„You can let go anytime“, he said. „I got you.“

And when he took his cock in his hand and tugged at it at the same time as his deep thrusts, it was just enough to send him over the edge.

Hongjoong was sure he saw paradise when he came.

Seonghwa made him ride out his pleasure until the end, and then he pulled out before he could hurt him from oversensitivity, coming himself on Hongjoong‘s stomach just moments later.

For a moment it was quiet, nothing but their heavy breaths, panting. 

When he came back to himself, Hongjoong whined, noticing how empty he felt all of a sudden without Seonghwa inside him. His his eyes burned again, especially when he saw the other get up from the bed.

„Shh“, Seonghwa hurried and caressed his hip from where he stood, naked and gorgeous.

„I will just clean us up.“

And he did so, bringing a damp towel that he carefully wiped over Hongjoong’s flushed skin. Cleaned up all traces of cum and blood, and then settled in bed again with him.

Licked over the fresh wounds on his thigh and neck to close them up properly so they would stop bleeding.

When he was done, Seonghwa draped his body over his again, covering him like a blanket, and it was a comfortable weight, a needed one.

He grasped at him as if Seonghwa was his lifeline, and in that moment, he was.

„Are you okay?“, Seonghwa said.

He nodded against his shoulder. „This was perfect.“

„I am glad“, he smiled. „It was for me as well.“

He tucked them into the blankets, moving Hongjoong so his head was laying on Seonghwa‘s chest, their limbs tangled as he looked out over the city through the glass wall.

„Do you think you can sleep today?“, Hongjoong asked quietly.

„If you promise to still be here when I wake up?“

It sounded hopeful. Almost fragile.

„I promise“, he whispered. 

And that seemed to be all it took to lull Seonghwa into sleep shortly after, his face relaxing after, his eyes shut peacefully.

As if all worries had fallen off of him. Like Hongjoong felt when the poison filled his veins and took away all that plagued him.

I want to show you that - I need you to know that-

The words that had tumbled over Seonghwa’s lips unfinished, those lips that Hongjoong now knew to taste so so sweet. They repeated in Hongjoong‘s head over and over again. 

He did not know their meaning. Not when his head was still spinning from poison and blood loss. Not when his thighs ached from bite wounds and desperate presses of fingertips. Not when the winds that blew away his sand lines had suddenly become so strong he couldn‘t make out whether or not he had crossed them.

For tonight, he would allow for blurry lines.

Chapter Text

The week leading up to their trip was filled with nervous anticipation as Hongjoong tried to wrap up everything before he would be gone.

He shuffled around his shifts so he would not be required to come into work and spent late hours at the library, trying to study for his exams while also getting the civil society presentation together that was due very soon and that he had still not started - and failed to start yet again, his mental block still persistent. 

Despite the stress, he was excited to be gone with Seonghwa. But he was also undeniably nervous - and this nervousness sometimes blurred over into actual anxiety.

Maybe San had been right. He had been getting worse somehow and wasn‘t sure why. 

Hongjoong had developed strategies over the years to deal with this side of himself - the anxiety, the paranoia. They were a part of him now, no matter how much he wished them away, and he had learned to cope with them. His arsenal of all the little tips and tricks that helped him through the day when his brain acted up.

But these days none of them seemed to work. As if he had forgotten all of his coping mechanisms, all of them replaced by one simple solution - Seonghwa.

Whenever his hands started trembling and he had the urge to turn around, to check behind every corner for potential threats, his mind could only focus on one thing. 

His thumb would hover over Seonghwa‘s contact with the urge to call him. And when they were together, his eyes would dart to his lips, to his fangs that poked out between them, and wish they would just sink into his skin and take all of it away.

It was so easy. 

A remedy for all his problems. Bliss at his fingertips.

Maybe that was one of the reasons he was looking forward to spending the weekend away. He knew that as long as Seonghwa was around, he would be able to sleep, safe and sound, to feel comfortable in his body without having to battle his intrusive thoughts. 

Because Seonghwa could just take them away, with one quick bite.

Something in Hongjoong worried about this feeling, a voice all the way in the back of his head shouting out to him. The deep ache inside of him whenever he thought of the high of the venom was making his stomach twist in recognition - because the feeling was a familiar one. One he knew all too well and dreaded.

Even though he knew it was irrational.

Because he knew it was different from back then. He was different from back then.

He had left these patterns behind.

Seonghwa took him shopping before they left for the weekend. 

Hongjoong knew his wardrobe would not be fit for any occasion more formal than an inexpensive dinner, as it consisted mostly of baggy street style clothes he had reformed, a few pieces of clubbing gear, and chunky shoes.

And the event they were headed to was apparently very formal judging by the expensive brand stores Seonghwa took Hongjoong to, the intimidating big names that he automatically avoided at the mall, knowing he couldn‘t afford anything there anyways.

The employees seemed to know Seonghwa there, and by how nice he was always dressed and how well he fit in there, Hongjoong wasn‘t surprised.

Still, it was strange being there himself, getting his measurements taken - something he had also never had done - and getting fitted for an array of suits and dress shirts.

They ended up settling for three outfits, one for every day, and Hongjoong did his very best not to look at the price tags whenever he tried something on.

It was all dark fabrics that hugged his shape nicely, pants that made his legs look longer, tops that sat perfectly around his small waist, and most striking of all - nothing but plunging necklines.

None of the shirts left anything for imagination, all showing off his neck, down to his collarbones or even further.

The outfit he liked most was the fitted suit with intricate ornaments of black velvet, a matching jacket and pants, and a simple back vest under it. And no dress shirt to go under it, his neck completely bare, the neckline dipping just a bit between his chest muscles.

Surprisingly he actually felt great in it, loving the image that reflected back to him in the mirror inside the fitting room. And he felt even better when Seonghwa slipped inside the small space with him, standing behind him, hands sneaking around his waist.

„You look amazing in it“, he whispered, his eyes locked with Hongjoong‘s through the mirror as he placed a kiss at his bare neck, right on top of a fading scar.

„I am sorry about how… revealing everything is. It is this stupid centuries old tradition that humans should not cover up their necks in settings like these. If it makes you uncomfortable, just say the word and I will fight it out with them.“

Hongjoong shook his head. „No, I - I like it.“

Especially seeing how Seonghwa‘s eyes were focused on him, growing slightly dark in his reflection as they trailed down his neck.

„Good“, he said in a low voice. „Me too.“

There was only one thing that confused Hongjoong during the week leading up to the trip.

Wooyoung was home again, back from his family visit, and one night when they were alone, Hongjoong approached him and asked him about the birthday.

„No, Yeosang didn’t mention anything about that“, Wooyoung said.

Hongjoong frowned. What?

He had been quite sure Yeosang would be bringing Wooyoung along too, if Seonghwa was bringing Hongjoong. It was the thing that made the most sense.

„He really didn‘t?“, Hongjoong asked.

Wooyoung shrugged. „First time hearing about it. So I assume you are going since you’re asking like this?“

Hongjoong nodded. „Yeah. I’ll be gone for three days.“

„Did you tell San about it?“

Maybe he was imagining it, but the words sounded harsh, like he was accusing him of something almost. It made him feel strange, as if he had to defend himself.

„I did. I said I was going on a trip with Seonghwa.“

He hadn‘t specified where to or why. Had just framed it as a normal getaway for the weekend. Because he didn‘t know how to explain to him that a big part of the reason Seonghwa was bringing him along was probably to have someone to drink from during the festivities. 

And that he was actually looking forward to that part.

„That’s it?“

„Yeah. I mean, it’s the truth.“

Wooyoung didn’t seem happy.

„So you are still not telling him about the drinking?“, he asked. And again, it sounded accusing. 

„Woo“, Hongjoong said.

„No, I need to know, so we get our stories straight“, he insisted. „I will not lie to him for you if he asks directly, but I need to know what topics to avoid.“

He sighed. „No, he doesn‘t know.“

„Okay.“

„Really?“

He shrugged. „Yeah. Okay.“

It didn‘t sound like it was okay. It sounded like he was mad.

But Hongjoong would take his okay anyways, if it meant that he could avoid telling San for a bit longer.

Maybe after the trip he would tell him. 

Gently, so he would understand it was nothing he would have to be concerned about. Slowly introducing him to the thought to not alienate him.

So that San would know that Hongjoong trusted him and didn‘t want to keep things from him. And so Wooyoung would stop looking at him like this, with accusation in his eyes.

Maybe Seonghwa could be there, too, to help him explain, to make him see it would all be okay. That he wasn‘t slipping back into bad habits. Seonghwa was so calming, with such a gentle aura. San would just have to love him, would have to see how good he was for him.

It was a nice thought. He would tell him, he decided then and there. 

But not now. After the trip. 

✦

When they traveled to Eden’s birthday late Friday afternoon, it was only Seonghwa, Yeosang, and Hongjoong. Yunho and Mingi were too young to really know Eden, Seonghwa had told him. And Hongjoong had reluctantly started to accept the fact that Jongho was, in fact, probably really a human, so he was not coming along either.

Yeosang seemed to notice Hongjoong’s nervousness, immediately offering to take the back seat, and Seonghwa’s hand that was resting on Hongjoong’s thigh for the entire drive was the grounding sensation he desperately needed. 

It was not particularly cold today, but Seonghwa and Yeosang were still dressed in long garments, with hats on their heads and gloves on their hands to shield them from the sun that was streaming in through the windshield.

The drive was surprisingly long, heading south for a couple of hours, until the city gave way for fields, and eventually cliffs that he could make out in the distance. It seemed to get warmer the further they drove, though that was probably just them leaving the grey city dust behind and exchanging it for a clear coastline sky.

The further they drove, the less nervous Hongjoong became, soon distracted by the beautiful view from the car window. 

„We will be there soon“, Seonghwa said as they drove past the first cliffs, the sun slowly starting to set over them in faint hues of pink and orange, and Hongjoong was practically glued to his window by then.

When they pulled up to the location though, the cliffs were quickly forgotten and ignored.

Because he had expected much - a fancy hotel in a city, an opulent house, maybe a villa. But certainly not what looked to be a small castle, built to face the seaside.

The stone of its walls seemed old, like he imagined medieval castles to look like, the building more high than wide, topped off by a set of towers on the side that overlooked the cliffs and the waves that crashed against them below. 

In front of the castle, a beautiful garden lay, interrupted only by a path that led up to the front gate. And beside it, dozens of cars were parked, some pulling up at the same time as them, and all of them looking just as expensive as Seonghwa‘s.

„Are you actually serious?“, Hongjoong said, eyes wide.

„We are here. Let‘s go“, Seonghwa only said, smiling.

When they got out of their car, they were immediately surrounded by multiple people who were dressed like staff - almost like butlers if he was being honest - that greeted them.

The staff that took their bags from the trunk of their car and made sure to quickly shield Seonghwa and Yeosang from the last sun rays with a pair of black umbrellas that they gladly ducked under.

Seonghwa offered up one arm and smiled at Hongjoong, the gesture looking old fashioned, like something from a movie, but Hongjoong nevertheless slipped his own arm through it, holding onto Seonghwa as they were guided through the gates of the castle.

„Is that actually Eden‘s place? Like, does he live here?“, Hongjoong wondered, eyes flickering around as he tried to take in everything at once.

„Yes, this is his place. Though, to be fair, it was much easier to come by something like this a couple of hundred years ago than it would be now. So do not give him the satisfaction later of being too impressed.“

It was hard to follow that direction though. Not when in front of them the space opened up into a great entrance hall, lined with deep red carpets over the stone floor, almost the color of blood. 

The windows were all barricaded or had heavy curtains drawn to not let the sun in, the only lighting in the hall the huge, intricate chandeliers that hang from the high, arching ceilings, and the candleholders that lined the walls. 

The space was bursting with people, guests in fancy dress and staff carrying around bags. It was mostly vampires from what Hongjoong could tell, judging from the pale skin, undeniable flawless beauty, and lack of deep necklines like he himself was sporting.

There were people in small groups conversing, and others on their way to their rooms or cars.

Many of them greeted Seonghwa and Yeosang as they made their way through the crowd.

Hongjoong could just grasp his arm tighter, trying to not get overwhelmed by all the sensations, and he was glad when they finally reached a set of winding stairs that presumably led them up one of the towers.

They were guided to their room, almost at the very top of the tower, Yeosang splitting up from them somewhere along the way to go to his own. When they arrived, their bags were already there.

It was a big, rounded space with a canopy-bed that had intricate grapevine carvings along its posts, and heavy dark red rugs thrown over the wooden floor. There were large windows that would have bathed the room in the light of the sunset were it not for the multiple layers of velvety curtains that were drawn before them to shut out the rays, leaving the room to only be lit up by another small chandelier on the ceiling.

Another door presumably led to the bathroom, and next to it, on the side opposite the bed, was a large, gold framed mirror that covered up half the wall.

„I am sorry everything is so dark in here“, Seonghwa said, eyeing the curtains. „Eden and some of the other older vampires have grown very sensitive to the sun so they tend to just shut it out entirely.“

Hongjoong didn‘t mind. „It’s okay, it’s probably more comfortable for you like this, too, right? We can open them at night maybe, to let some of the moonlight in.“

Seonghwa seemed to like the idea. 

They got dressed for dinner, Hongjoong putting on one of the more casual outfits - that was still way more formal than his entire wardrobe at home.

„Most people just arrived today, so this night is more informal“, Seonghwa explained. „You can expect a sort of get together in the lounge, giving people the chance to catch up with those they have not seen in a while. The big gala dinner is not until tomorrow, so do not be nervous about anything for now.“

Hongjoong nodded, looking in the mirror to fix his shirt that had a very low cut neckline. It made him feel self-conscious suddenly.

Seonghwa seemed to feel his anxiousness, taking one of his hands in between his and calmingly rubbing it.

„Really. Yeosang and I are always here if you feel uncomfortable.“

„I‘m not nervous“, said, a rather obvious lie.

Seonghwa smiled, looking at their hands. „I am.“

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow. „ You are nervous?“

„Yes, I actually am. I have changed quite a bit since many of them have last seen me, and I fear they have not done the same.“

Hongjoong didn‘t really know what he meant by that. But he still interlaced his hand with Seonghwa‘s and sent him an encouraging smile. 

„Then at least we can be nervous together.“

After resting for a bit and unpacking their things, they made their way downstairs, crossing the large entrance hall that branched off into a couple of different rooms.

On the way they picked up Yeosang, who looked absolutely stunning in his black suit that contrasted starkly with his white hair and skin, making him look a bit more unreal than usual.

Seonghwa had been right, the space they entered indeed had the feeling of a lounge to it, despite the obvious setting in a castle hall.

There were groups of sofas and armchairs where people were sitting together and conversing, and standing tables where others gathered. Faint music played in the background, and when Hongjoong craned his neck he saw a string quartet that sat on a slightly raised platform towards the end of the hall.

There were dozens of people in fancy clothing, some Hongjoong recognized from passing them earlier, and busy waiters in dark uniforms running between them. Some of them were carrying heavy trays, offering glasses of what would have looked to be red wine if Hongjoong wouldn‘t have known any better.

Hongjoong instinctively held onto Seonghwa‘s arm a bit tighter as they entered the room and mingled with the other guests, happy for Yeosang‘s presence on his other side as well. 

Especially when the first of them started looking.

He tried to ignore the stares, but it felt like all eyes in the room darted to them as they made their way through the crowd. First at Seonghwa, then at Hongjoong, and then ultimately gliding down to his exposed neck that showed off clear as day that he was not one of them.

And as he looked around, he did not see a single other person who seemed to be human as well.

„Seonghwa“, he whispered to him as people kept looking. „Didn‘t you say I wouldn‘t be the only human there?“

He placed his other hand on Hongjoong‘s. „Do not worry. I know you are not.“

Hongjoong didn‘t have any more time to ask him about it, because in the next moment they were approached by a group of vampires that recognized Seonghwa and Yeosang.

They exchanged greetings, and Hongjoong tried to stick to the background, still feeling self-conscious. 

„Here, have a glass, my friends“, the vampire waved a waiter over to where they stood. 

Yeosang took one of the heavy looking glasses that almost resembled goblets from the tray and thanked the waiter before taking a quick sip, but Seonghwa declined politely.

„Ah, no wonder“, one of them commented, looking at Hongjoong. „I see you have brought - company.“

„Yes, I have. This is Hongjoong.“

Another one looked surprised. „That I very much did not expect to see from you of all people. The Park Seonghwa, bringing a plus one. Interesting.“

The first one nodded.

„I should really get myself one as well. Makes life so much easier!“

They laughed, raising their glasses in agreement and taking a sip from the heavy looking goblets, deep red staining their lips.

Hongjoong just furrowed his brow, the comment feeling strange to him. He was glad when Seonghwa soon politely said he had to catch up with other people and left the group.

His face seemed a bit harder than before the encounter, clinging onto Hongjoong‘s arm stronger than before.

They made their way through the guests that all seemed to want to talk to Seonghwa, Yeosang soon splitting off from them to say hello to his own acquaintances.

Seonghwa tried to make him feel comfortable, introducing him to people and always having a hand touching him on the arm or the waist. 

But it did not help how Hongjoong noticed everyone eyeing him.

Especially not when they were taking heavy sips from their glasses while doing so.

Hongjoong saw the waiters constantly running back and forth, trying to always keep glasses filled, and it confused him. Wasn‘t there a blood shortage? How were they able to splurge like this?

He wanted to ask Seonghwa, but never had the chance as they were always surrounded by people.

Eventually they reached a rather large group that had assembled towards the end of the hall, all seemingly flocking around one figure that stood in their middle.

„The one everyone is trying to talk to is Eden“, Seonghwa warned him before they approached them. 

„Park Seonghwa“, a deep voice greeted them as soon as they joined the circle. „To what do I owe the honor?“

The man who spoke - Eden - looked like Hongjoong had always imagined vampires to look like. How the books and movies had made them out to be, back when he was younger and had never consciously met any of them in person. 

His hair was dark as the night and his skin so pale it made Seonghwa look like he had just come back from getting a tan. His fangs seemed to be longer than those Hongjoong had seen on others, poking out from his lips even when he wasn‘t speaking, and he had an undeniable aura of authority around him.

It made Hongjoong want to stick to Seonghwa‘s side even more than before.

„To living through a thousand years“, Seonghwa responded, and it sounded slightly sarcastic - like he would not be here right now if it were any other case.

And if Hongjoong had not already felt uncomfortable in Eden‘s presence, he certainly did now as he heard Seonghwa‘s tone.

„Congratulations, and thank you for the kind invitation“, he continued. „We are looking forward to the celebrations.“ He spoke with a smile on his lips, but Hongjoong saw the discomfort in his eyes as he looked over. 

„Speaking of we “, Eden said and his eyes wandered to Hongjoong.

He felt himself shrink under the stare that ran up and down his body, lingering at his neck longer than anyone else had done so before. As if he knew he would have no repercussions doing so.

„Who is that lovely young human by your side?“

His voice was dripping honey and Hongjoong hated it.

„This is Hongjoong“, Seonghwa introduced him.

Hongjoong cleared his throat before he spoke. „Hello Eden. You have a beautiful home. Thank you for the invitation.“

He had rehearsed the words in his head the whole way here, yet they seemed robotic on his lips. Artificial.

„And so polite, as well“, Eden answered.

He took a step towards them, too close for Hongjoong’s taste, and placed a hand on Seonghwa‘s shoulder. „It seems you have finally come to your senses again after this nonsense of refusing to drink from humans.“

He turned to the rest of the circle. „I have always said he would come back around, haven‘t I?“

The people around him agreed, some laughing, some sipping on the deep red contents of their glasses.

Eden had one in his hand, too, bigger than the ones his guests were holding, and decorated with gold around the base and rim. He was swishing the liquid around as he eyed Hongjoong up and down.

„He smells good, have to give that to you“, he purred, his eyes focused on Hongjoong‘s neck again. It made him gulp. „And so pretty, too. I have brought some for myself as well, of course, but you certainly made a good choice there with yours.“

Hongjoong felt Seonghwa grow stiff beside him, and he knew him well enough by now to know that the neutral look on his face was only a thin veil to cover up that the comment made him angry.

„Oh that is where we differ though, you and I“, he said, sounding nonchalant, but Hongjoong could see through it. „He is here as my companion, human or not, and I would love for him to be treated as such for the time we are here.“

It made Hongjoong look up to him in disbelief.

There was an underlying threat in his voice and Eden seemed taken aback for a moment, just like Hongjoong. But he quickly put up a smile again, laughing until the others around him chimed in.

„You have always had a rather unique outlook, Seonghwa, I sometimes seem to forget. But certainly. How about we have Maddox here accompany our guest to meet some of his own kind to settle in while we catch up?“

Seonghwa seemed hesitant. „Will that be necessary?“

Eden put a hand on his chest. „It is merely a kindhearted offer. Your - companion is surely tired from the travels, and hungry, and we have prepared food for our human guests in another room.“

Seonghwa turned towards Hongjoong. „Would you be okay with that?“

Hongjoong thought about it for a second, but eventually nodded. Even when the thought of being seperated from Seonghwa made him anxious, he was hungry, and it would be good to see other humans.

„Yeah, sure“, he said. „Go and talk to your people. You haven‘t seen them in forever. I will still be here later.“

Eden seemed pleased with the answer, extending an arm and wrapping it around Seonghwa‘s shoulder to pull him into his circle. He sent him one last look, but Hongjoong just nodded, signaling him to go, before one of the vampires - presumably Maddox - approached him.

„Hongjoong. It is good to have you. Please, let me show you the way.“

And with one look back at Seonghwa, he followed the man.

He led him through the lounge, past the groups of conversing vampires. On the way, he made eye contact with Yeosang, who sent him a concerned look as he saw him without Seonghwa and in strange company, but Hongjoong just nodded, trying to say that it was okay.

It was okay, right?

They went through a door that seperated the lounge from yet another, smaller room that had a cozier environment than the rest of the castle.

The room was circular, maybe it was the base of one of the towers, Hongjoong did not quite know, and it was bathed in a warm orange light that came from a large fireplace at the far end of the room. Arranged around it were sofas and armchairs, much like in the lounge.

Here, the staff did not carry the trays of heavy goblets filled with red liquid. Instead there were platters of food, filling the room with a delicious smell. 

Another smell was mixed under it though, just faintly, and Hongjoong could not quite place what it was. All he knew was that it stung in his nose if he inhaled too deeply. 

Hongjoong‘s stomach growling distracted him though, making him focus on the trays of food. He could see heavier meat and fish dishes, various kinds of fruits and cheeses, and on other trays there were desserts, chocolates and cakes and everything he could imagine wanting. 

But more importantly - there were humans in the room.

Hongjoong almost let out a sigh of relief when he saw skin that was not pale as snow, and deep cut necklines much like his own. It must have been at least two dozen of them, probably more.

„There we are“, Maddox said. „Why don‘t you make yourself comfortable? Get something to eat and drink, and settle in with the others?“

Hongjoong nodded, already feeling better. „Thank you for accompanying me.“

The other gave him a small bow and left the room again.

Immediately a staff came over to him and guided him to one of the sofas, where some humans were conversing, platters of delicious looking food on the table before them.

Hongjoong shyly introduced himself and they greeted him, too, but he was glad they immediately went back to their conversation, not making him the unwilling center of attention like the vampires had.

The staff offered him some from the tray he was carrying, and Hongjoong gladly took a couple of small plates from him. 

Only after he had taken the fist bite of his food that melted on his tongue, was he relaxed enough to actually look at the other people he was sitting with.

„Ugh, I am so drained“, one of them, a girl said, sighing and leaning back into the cushions of the sofa. She was beautiful in her dark dress, but she was skinny and looked rather pale, Hongjoong noted. Almost worryingly so.

„It will be worth it, don’t worry“, another girl said. „He said he‘d reward you, right?“

Hongjoong furrowed his brow, taking a closer look at them.

That was when he saw it. And his eyes went wide.

The first girl, the pale one who sat in one of the armchairs, had a needle in her arm.

A staff stood next to her, but instead of a tray of food, he was holding a blood bag that was slowly being filled with the blood that trickled through the tube attached to her arm.

It made Hongjoong freeze.

And suddenly he recognized the smell he had been wondering about. It was disinfectant.

As he looked around, he saw that she was not the only one. Multiple humans were hooked up to bags, some of them looking tired and pale, as if it was not their first time.

He wanted to ask, wanted to know what was going on, but he suddenly felt dumb. Most of them seemed to know each other and seemed content with the situation, as if nothing strange was going on, and he didn‘t want to stick out as the only one who was confused.

But the questions burned on his tongue. As well as the feeling that something was very, very wrong.

„You‘re here with Eden, aren‘t you?“, a young guy asked the girl with the needle in her arm.

She nodded, proudly. „I am.“

„Damn, what must that be like?“, someone asked.

„I am so excited“, she said, smiling. „He said if I do really well this weekend, he would turn me.“

Hongjoong suppressed a laugh. He had talked to Eden for maybe ten minutes, and he already knew that was a blatant lie. From what he had gathered from the conversation, she wasn‘t even the only human he had brought here.

Some others seemed skeptical, too, no one answering.

„Really!“, she defended herself. „He is in love with me, you know? He wants to be with me forever and wants to show me off to all his friends while we are here.“

Then why are you in here? , Hongjoong thought. Why are you in here, hooked to a blood bag, instead of out there by his side?

And at the same time, it made Hongjoong sad. 

What that girl thought her future would hold - that just did not happen. Could not happen. That was a line they did not cross.

The girl kept talking about it though, about how perfect everything would be and about how kind he was to her and it just made Hongjoong feel sick. He put the food away.

He was close to opening his mouth and saying something - telling her what he had heard Eden say, wanting to say something that would make her see, but he did not know how to.

Before he could speak, a staff approached him.

„You are Park Seonghwa‘s human, correct?“

He was looking at a list in his hands instead of Hongjoong directly.

The notion made him feel strange. Especially knowing Seonghwa did not appreciate people referring to Hongjoong as his.

„I am Hongjoong.“

He did not react to this further, simply nodding. „Are you ready for your contribution?“

„What do you mean, contribution?“, he asked. 

Some people around them had stopped speaking, looking at Hongjoong instead.

„Fresh blood, for the banquet. A present for Eden and his dear guests, to show your appreciation.“

Hongjoong tensed up where he sat. His eyes darted over to the pale girl that was just getting up from the armchair, a staff carrying away the now full blood bag and disappearing with it into another room.

„I - I don‘t know“, Hongoong answered, overwhelmed by the sudden attention.

The smell of disinfectant seemed stronger in the air now and made his stomach twist. The thought of a needle made him uneasy and he instinctively put a hand over his arm. 

Needles still gave him bad flashbacks and he was unsure if it would send him spiraling or not if it wasn‘t Seonghwa who took it from him.

He had even spiraled when it had been Yeosang. Kind and unintimidating Yeosang.

„What do you mean, you do not know?“, the staff asked and it made him flinch.

More people were looking at them now.

„Just, could I maybe talk about it with Seonghwa before?“

The staff frowned. „He consented to this by inviting a human here in the first place. It would cast a bad image on the vampire you are accompanying if you refused. It would paint him as greedy, not sharing to make a contribution.“

Hongjoong immediately shook his head. 

That was the last thing he would want, to taint Seonghwa‘s image, for people to think he was being greedy. 

But on the other hand, he could also not imagine Seonghwa agreeing to this, sharing Hongjoong‘s blood with the other attendees.

He would have at least talked with him about it before? Right?

Hongjoong bit his lip in doubt.

„It will just be one bag, it will not take long.“

He looked over his shoulder, at the other humans. Some had started whispering among them.

„I - I guess?“, Hongjoong eventually said, even when the thought of a needle piercing his arm made him dizzy.

„Well then, follow me“, the staff said.

The moment Hongjoong was about to get up from the sofa, the door opened.

„What is going on in here?“

It was Yeosang.

Hongjoong exhaled. He had never been so happy to see a familiar face as he was now.

„Yeosang“, the staff said. „We were just taking contributions, nothing unusual.“

„What contributions?“

Yeosang took a step inside the room and looked around. And apparently he didn‘t like what he saw, especially not when he saw Hongjoong being cornered by the staff.

„There you are“, he said.

„You know this human?“

„I am Seonghwa‘s best friend, of course I do. And I know very well that Seonghwa did not consent to our companion being held up here.“

The staff opened his mouth to protest, but Yeosang was already by Hongjoong‘s side, helping him up from the sofa with a gentle hand on his waist.

„Come on, let‘s go“, he said to him in a calming tone. Only then did Hongjoong notice he was shaking again.

The disinfectant was still so heavy in his nose.

„Let‘s take you to Seonghwa. I am sorry, Hongjoong, we did not know about this, I swear.“

He guided him back into the lounge and told him to wait by the door that led into the entrance hall while he fetched Seonghwa.

Hongjoong watched him approach a group of vampires that stood together, and tug on Seonghwa‘s sleeve. He said something to him, and Hongjoong could not read his lips to see what it was, but he did see how Seonghwa’s face fell.

His usual kind and polite expression gave way for a dark look that turned his eyes hawk-like. And even all the way across the hall, the sudden shadow that overtook his features sent a shiver down Hongjoong‘s spine.

In the next moment, Seonghwa was crossing the room with long strides, without saying goodbye to the other guests. He was dashing towards Hongjoong - and he was angry .

„I cannot believe what Yeosang just told me“, he growled, his voice deep and furious as soon as he approached him. Immediately his hand wrapped around Hongjoong‘s wrist, almost roughly, and he started dragging him behind him.

Hongjoong‘s eyes went wide.

The only time he had seen him this angry was when the guy had assaulted him at the club and he had had to step in to save Hongjoong.

„Seonghwa, it‘s okay, I-“, he started, but Seonghwa did not seem to listen, crossing the entrance hall and almost running up the winding stairs of the tower with him. Hongjoong could barely keep up with the pace as he dragged him with him, panting by the time they had made it upstairs.

The moment the door of their room slammed behind them, Hongjoong‘s back was pressed into it, Seonghwa‘s hands all over him, running up and down his torso, over the bare skin of his neck.

„How would they dare“, he growled, almost animalistic.

„Seonghwa“, he said, trying to calm him down.

„Did they touch you?“

„No.“

„Did they take any blood from you?“

He frantically ran his hands over Hongjoong‘s neck and over his wrists, as if to search for a puncture wound or a bite mark. He undid the buttons of Hongjoong‘s dress shirt, touching the exposed skin as if he would find any under the fabric.

„They were about to, but Yeosang was there before they could do it.“

„Were they forcing you?“

He shook his head. „No. I mean not really, I-“

His eyes went even darker. „Did you say yes to this?“

Hongjoong blinked in confusion. The situation gave him whiplash.

„They said you would have consented to this by bringing me here.“

He ripped off the last buttons of his shirt at that, one of them falling to the ground and rolling away. 

„I would never do something like this! How dare they assume!“, he almost shouted.

„They said it would make you seem greedy if I refused. That you - that you didn‘t want to share.“

And at this, a proper, deep growl escaped him. Almost like a wolf.

„Oh, they are very correct. I do not want to share“, he said, and it sounded dangerous. 

He buried his face in Hongjoong‘s neck and inhaled deeply, fangs scratching at the skin in the next moment. It made Hongjoong shiver.

„I will not share you with any of them. Only I can drink from you and they all better remember this“, he murmured into his neck.

Hands pushed at his shirt and took it off his body, the fabric falling to the floor.

Seonghwa pulled back for a moment, looking at Hongjoong‘s now suddenly exposed form, taking it in. Then he placed one hand on the door behind Hongjoong, caging him in, his eyes dark.

„Is that right?“

It made Hongjoong feel hot all over, the way he looked at him like now. He frantically nodded his head, blushing. „Yes. Yes, only you.“

He already sounded so desperate, and when Seonghwa captured his lips in a heated kiss, it made his head spin.

He pressed Hongjoong into the door, his hands running up and down Hongjoong‘s naked torso as their tongues danced together, all messy and uncoordinated.

His hands wrapped almost all the way around his waist, long fingers pressing into the flesh there. And then he buried his face in his neck again, fangs dragging against his skin.

„Smell so good. So perfect. Only mine.“

His words were incoherent, as if something dark had taken over the sweet, kind Seonghwa that was usually with him. The Seonghwa that asked him a hundred times before he did anything, never implying possession over him.

And Hongjoong loved it.

„Only yours“, he answered, panting.

And then, without warning, the fangs sank into his flesh, at the junction of his shoulder and neck, making his eyes roll back from the sudden wave of pain and pleasure alike.

The next moment he retracted his fangs and bit down at another spot, higher up his neck this time. And another bite, even further up, just below his jaw, where even the highest collar would not cover it up.

„God“, Hongjoong said, clinging onto the fabric of Seonghwa‘s suit as his knees almost gave out under him as the venom hit him, stronger than Seonghwa usually permitted.

„So sweet“, Seonghwa said in between bites. „So perfect for me.“

He kept biting Hongjoong, never drinking much, just sucking at the wound quickly before he moved on to another spot, as if he wanted to cover his entire neck in bites.

And Hongjoong could do nothing but stand there and take it, feel the waves of pain every time his skin was broken, and the wave of pleasure that followed immediately after.

It was so overwhelming.

When Seonghwa deemed his skin decorated enough, he pulled him into another kiss that tasted only of hot, heavy blood, one hand slipping in between them and undoing the button of Hongjoong‘s pants. 

„Off, all of it“, he said and Hongjoong could only nod. Roughly he shoved his pants down, along with his underwear, and Hongjoong found himself already embarrassingly hard as he stepped out of them, now completely naked. The venom making him feel hot all over.

Seonghwa pulled him off the door and in front of the mirror, making him lean his hands on the table in front of it.

„Look at you“, he whispered in his ear and Hongjoong could only gasp. 

The picture in the mirror was unreal. 

He was completely naked, a stark contrast to the ethereal figure that was Seonghwa, standing behind him completely clothed, grabbing at his hips to keep him in place. Hongjoong‘s skin was more pale than usual, yet his face was flushed. And his neck and chest were littered with bite marks.

Not the cleanly sealed, almost translucent scars Seonghwa usually left, but instead clear, open wounds in the shape of Seonghwa‘s fangs, blood trickling from some of them. All the way from his collarbones up to the underside of his jaw.

They looked perfect on him.

And Hongjoong‘s eyes were blown wide, his pupils swallowing his irises to leave them almost completely black, unfocused as they looked at his reflection.

Seonghwa leaned back again, running his fangs up and down his neck, keeping eye contact through the mirror.

A hand wrapped around Hongjoong‘s dick and he threw his head back against Seonghwa‘s chest at the feeling, a moan leaving his mouth.

„None of them will ever touch you“, Seonghwa growled against his neck and Hongjoong nodded feverishly as the pleasure took over. 

„If anyone dares to, if anyone even thinks to drink from you, I will rip out their throats.“

And as he said that, his eyes flashed red again in the mirror. Just like that last time, in the club, when Hongjoong had been so sure he had imagined it.

He definitely wasn‘t imagining it right now.

„Yes, please“, Hongjoong could only answer. 

The hand wrapped around his cock soon left it, two fingers instead being shoved in his mouth and he moaned around them, getting them wet.

He knew what this was leading to, saw it in Seonghwa‘s eyes that seemed to go back and forth between black and red.

And God, he needed it. Needed this new side of Seonghwa he had only caught glimpses of before.

As soon as he deemed the fingers wet enough, he retracted them again and began prepping Hongjoong. When the first finger went in, it stung and he groaned, but Seonghwa shushed him, and soon pressed against a spot inside him that made him go pliant with pleasure.

Preparation was rushed and hasty, both spurred on by desperation and clouded judgement, but it also felt so, so good. The burn as he dragged his fingers in and out of him with only spit to ease the slide.

„Seonghwa, please“, Hongjoong whined after a while, his arms trembling where he kept himself upright on the table. He already looked so fucked out in the mirror, while Seonghwa was still fully clothed.

„I‘m ready.“

Seonghwa slipped his fingers out of him at that and undid the zipper of his own pants. God, was he really not taking off any of his clothes? 

Somehow this made it even hotter to Hongjoong, him being so so undone while Seonghwa still seemed almost put together safe for the blood around his mouth and a few loose strands of hair. 

He spit in his hand and tugged at his dick that was already hard.

„I will show all of them that you belong to me“, he said and mouthed at Hongjoong’s neck again.

„Only to you“, he answered, blissed out from the venom and the fingers alone.

Seonghwa kept eye contact through the mirror, and then he bit down again. Hard.

And then he pushed in.

Hongjoong had to rise one of his hands to his mouth to muffle the noise that escaped him there. He didn’t know what stung more, the slide of his dick, or the pain in his neck, as he kept his fangs buried in the flesh as he entered him. 

Both burned, but both felt so good.

Seonghwa went slow first, inch by inch to ease him into it, but as soon as he was completely inside of him and Hongjoong gave him an encouraging groan, pushing back into him, he pulled out again and slammed back in.

Hongjoong moaned.

„God.“

Seonghwa grabbed his waist as he fucked into him, much much rougher than the first time they had done this, when it had all been careful touches and soft kisses.

And he needed it.

The room was filled with Hongjoong‘s moans and Seongwha‘s growls and the sound of skin on skin. Seonghwa stayed connected to his neck the entire time, and at one particularly strong thrust, Hongjoong felt the skin rip slightly under his fangs, a trickle of blood running down his skin. 

The sight before him in the mirror made him dizzy, because they looked so so good like this, even though the picture clouded over slightly at the edges from the amount of venom in his body and the blood loss.

„Mine“, he growled as he finally retracted his fangs, licking up the blood that trickled down Hongjoong‘s throat.

Hongjoong pressed his eyes shut. „Yours“, he agreed.

Seonghwa hit all the right spots with every thrust, as if he was driving a message home.

„Seonghwa, I can‘t hold on much longer“, Hongjoong whined after a while when the pleasure became too much and his arms were shaking from holding his weight up.

„Go ahead“, he whispered, wrapping a hand around his dick that made him see stars. „Show me how good I am making you feel.“

And only a few aimed thrusts later, Hongjoong came all over Seonghwa‘s hand and the table, pressing his eyes shut as the waves and waves of pleasure came crashing over him, almost knocking him out.

Seonghwa kept pounding into him as he rode out his orgasm, and soon he became oversensitive, gasping when he kept going, growing more and more erratic.

„So perfect for me“, he finally growled in his ear, and then he stilled, coming inside of Hongjoong.

And his eyes went from red back to black, as if the demon that had possessed him had suddenly left his body.

They both panted, and when he pulled out, Hongjoong‘s knees gave out.

Seonghwa caught him at the last moment, holding him up.

„Shh, I got you“, he said, his tone much too sweet compared to just seconds ago. „I got you, my love.“

Hongjoong was suddenly so drained, and so dizzy, that he didn’t even register the nickname properly. He had never called him that before, yet he did not have the energy to think about it in that moment, too busy trying to stay conscious.

Hongjoong‘s legs were trembling and he couldn‘t hold himself up, his vision getting blurry, and Seonghwa picked him up bridal style, carrying him to the bed.

The last thing he remembered was his back meeting the silky cushions, sinking into them.

And a kiss that was placed on his closed lips.

✦

When they awoke the next morning, Seonghwa did not stop apologizing profusely to Hongjoong for at least an hour.

And it was endearing.

Hongjoong hadn‘t expected him to fall asleep next to him in the first place, since he had no need to do so, expecting him to go back to the other vampires that were probably waiting for him to return.

Instead, Seonghwa had awoken next to him with the same bed head, looking just as sleepy as Hongjoong. And as soon as the previous night came back to them both, his eyes went wide.

„God, I am so sorry Hongjoong. I have no idea what that was“, he said, his eyes falling on the scars that littered his neck and chest.

„I did not even seal them, what was I thinking? Now it is too late to do so, these will take forever to heal!“

His hands were all over Hongjoong again, trying to examine all the bites.

It coaxed a giggle out of Hongjoong.

„I guess that was the goal yesterday. So the others will see them.“

Seonghwa shook his head. „That is no excuse. These must hurt.“

„I‘m okay, really“, he tried to calm him down, placing a hand on his to stop him from fumbling. „I will wear them proudly today. So everyone will know not to touch me.“

And that brought a small smile to Seonghwa‘s lips, a hint of the look he had in his eyes yesterday returning to them.

The bites did ache, especially the one far up his neck where the skin had ripped. But Hongjoong liked the feeling, the slight throb under the broken skin. Just how he liked the ache in his thighs and his arms that still lingered.

Seonghwa still fetched a first aid kit from one of the cupboards and insisted on cleaning them properly, gently dabbing the disinfectant over them.

The smell of it bothered Hongjoong more than the actual stinging, too many memories attached to it.

Seonghwa also had breakfast brought to their room.

„I do not trust them enough to send you with the other humans again“, Seoghwa mumbled as he did so and it made Hongjoong feel warm. He had always been attentive, and kind. But this was different.

After breakfast they got ready and made their way downstairs, Seonghwa saying his absence would have been noticed by now.

On the bottom of the stairs they met Yeosang, dressed in a flowy, almost translucent black dress shirt and tight slacks. His eyes widened as they focused on Hongjoong‘s neck.

Without a word he punched Seonghwa in the arm.

„What did you do?“, he said. 

Seonghwa flinched, rubbing his arm. „Ouch!“

„You did not have to maul him like this to get your point across!“ he vaguely gestured in his direction and Hongjoong suppressed a giggle.

„I am very much aware“, Seonghwa mumbled.

„And you call yourself a doctor!“

„Yeosang, the only one calling me a doctor is you.“

„I apologize on his behalf“, Yeosang turned to Hongjoong and Seonghwa groaned.

„Don‘t worry, he already did so about fifty times“, he laughed.

When they made their way through the castle, Hongjoong couldn’t shake the feeling that Seonghwa was showing him off, and it put a proud smile on his lips that he couldn’t conceal.

Hongjoong was holding Seonghwa’s arm again, and people stared at him.

But it was not the same stares as yesterday, the flirtatious, borderline hungry glances. This time they only had to look at his neck once and immediately took a step back, looking back and forth between him and Seonghwa, eyes wide in shock.

And Seonghwa seemed to like it. Seemed to like how every time they spoke to someone, they nervously tried to not look at Hongjoong for too long, a content smile dancing on his lips. 

Like he was off limits.

„What do you want to do today?“, Seonghwa asked after a while.

„I pried open the window this morning and it looks beautiful outside. Maybe I‘ll go for a walk, soak up a bit of sun.“

He nodded. „That is a wonderful idea. I will come with you.“

Hongjoong frowned. „Don‘t you wanna catch up with your people? You missed the entire night because of me.“

„There will be plenty of chances for that at dinner. Besides, I did not miss the night, I chose to spend it with you instead. Just like I am choosing to spend my afternoon with you, if you will have me.“

It put a smile on Hongjoong‘s lips once again. 

„But the sun?“, he said, remembering how it had streamed into the room when he had pushed aside the curtains. „Won‘t that be uncomfortable?“

He smiled. „I will make sure to shield myself properly.“

And so he actually ended up accompanying Hongjoong on his walk along the cliffs. 

Seonghwa was dressed way too warmly for the weather when he returned from their room, with his hat and sunglasses on, gloves to cover his fingers, and, to top it off, a beautiful light black coat over his suit, that was fastened almost directly under the chin with a bow.

But it fulfilled its purpose, shielding as much skin as possible from the sun. And Seonghwa looked delicate in it. 

The butler was confused when Seonghwa asked him for an umbrella to go out, and they once again got a handful of stares as Seonghwa exited the castle alongside Hongjoong. 

But they did not care.

The weather was beautiful, clear skies with not a single cloud anywhere to be seen, and the salty scent of the sea lingering in the air. 

There were a couple of humans outside, soaking up the sun just as Hongjoong did. Some sitting on benches in the garden, some walking along the cliffs. Hongjoong recognized some of them from yesterday.

But he was the only one who had company, the other vampires deciding to hide in the castle from the sun. He felt slightly bad for them, remembering the empty promises some of them had been brought here on.

The others looked at them judgingly as they passed them, but Hongjoong did not quite know if it was jealousy, or simply a reaction to the bite marks. 

He did not think about it too much, instead enjoying his time with Seonghwa until dinner.

Hongjoong had been dreading the gala dinner this whole time, knowing it was the night leading into Eden‘s actual birthday tomorrow, and that it would be quite formal.

There would be etiquette, and Hongjoong did not even know which century‘s etiquette. Not that that piece of knowledge would have helped him.

And he was dreading it even more, now that he had been in Eden’s presence and knew how uncomfortable the vampire had made him. 

They went into another hall to join the festivities when it was time, a different one from the lounge. Yeosang and Seonghwa were on each of Hongjoong‘s sides.

The room was decorated beautifully. It was a large space with huge, stained glass windows through which light in all colors of the rainbow streamed in, and it made him wonder if it had been a cathedral once. 

Hongjoong thought it must have been artificial light, seeing how the sun had already set behind the horizon and Eden was so adamant about having no sunlight enter his castle.

The hall was divided roughly into two, a bar in the middle separating the areas from one another. There were some humans who had already gathered at the bar to be served food and drinks by staff, only to retreat to the smaller half of the room after. 

He did not see a single human on the larger side to which Seonghwa was leading him right now.

Here, there were heavy wooden tables arranged in a semicircle with high chairs, padded with red velvet, enough to seat all of Eden‘s many guests. 

Eden himself sat at the table that all the others were facing, his chair a bit higher than the others, almost as if it were standing on a sort of platform. He was already sipping from his gold decorated goblet.

They were some of the last to join, and when they settled down, Seonghwa draping his coat over the back of his chair, people started whispering between them.

„Seonghwa“, Eden said as everyone had quieted down. „We missed you terribly last night.“

Seonghwa bowed slightly. „I am sorry I could not have been there.“

Eden looked at Hongjoong, at his neck.

„I see that you have found other ways to enjoy the night.“

Hongjoong blushed, trying to shrink in his seat.

„Why did you not come back after?“, Maddox chimed in.

„Oh, I ended up falling asleep“, Seonghwa said nonchalantly.

Eden raised an eyebrow. „Sleeping? That is rather… interesting.“

Maddox snorted. „It seems you spend a bit too much time with humans these days. Sleep? It is such an unnecessary waste of time.“

Seonghwa just smiled, not answering, and they quickly changed the topic. Butlers came to the table, offering glasses of blood to all guests who did not have one already.

Seonghwa and Yeosang both declined.

„It is for a toast“, Maddox insisted when they did so.

„Let them“, Eden waved him off. „For Seonghwa it is quite understandable he wants to save his thirst for later. His companion does smell so sweet after all. It is truly a shame we could not get to try some as well yesterday.“

At that, Seonghwa’s polite expression gave way for one that could kill. Hongjoong was just glad his eyes didn‘t turn red again.

Immediately he wrapped a hand around Hongjoong’s waist, pulling him closer.

Yeosang looked a bit nervous. „Maybe that is a topic we should rather avoid“, he suggested.

Eden laughed.

„Do not worry. I was merely curious to how you would react. I have never known you to be possessive, Seonghwa, but this time you really wanted to get a point across, did you not? It is a delightful change of character.“

Seonghwa looked at Eden, almost challengingly. 

„Well, things do change“, he said. „Not everyone sees the people they drink from as so exchangeable as to not be possessive over them.“

Eden laughed again, despite the slight threat in Seonghwa‘s voice. Hongjoong wondered if anything could ever intimidate him.

He also tried hard not to freak out over what Seonghwa had just implied.

„Well, this has been rather entertaining“, Eden said. „But now that you are done showing off your human, he is invited to go to the bar and get himself a drink, like all the others.“

He did not say it outright, did not tell him he was not welcome at their table.

But he didn‘t have to. It was clear as day to everyone present.

Hongjoong was the only human at the table after all.

„That will not be necessary. I am quite comfortable having him by my side.“

„Seonghwa, do not forget your etiquette“, Maddox chimed in, frowning. „He is only here to provide blood for you, is he not? You are free to keep him to yourself, but as long as he does not fulfill this purpose, he is better suited at the bar.“

„He is not here because-“

Eden interrupted him. „It is not customary.“

The exchange made Hongjoong shrink in his seat, unsure what to do. He did not want to cause a rift between them, did not want to be the cause of a fight.

But on the other side, there was a voice in the back of his head that told him to do something brave.

He silently smiled to himself as he got an idea.

Both Seonghwa and Yeosang protested, Seonghwa moving to get up from his chair, but Hongjoong stopped him with a hand on his chest.

„Hey, it‘s okay.“

„It is not“, he said, looking angry.

Eden smiled though, seeing Hongjoong was ready to comply. When he stood up, the vampire took a content sip from his glass, watching the movement closely.

„I apologize, Eden.“

The vampire nodded, as if it was generous of him to forgive Hongjoong.

He then turned to Seonghwa. „My dear“, he said, the nickname unfamiliar on his lips, almost mocking, and Seonghwa raised an eyebrow. 

„I feel a bit cold though. Would you be so kind to give me your coat?“

At that moment, Seonghwa seemed to realize what he was doing. A small smile spread on his lips.

„Of course, dear.“ It sounded just as sarcastic as Hongjoong‘s words.

He got up from his chair again, taking the coat he had draped over the back, and helping Hongjoong into it.

When he fastened the bow under his chin, even higher than necessary, to hide all the exposed skin, Hongjoong heard a few gasps.

Maddox got up from his chair, looking offended.

„You are aware that this is not allowed.“

Hongjoong placed a hand on his own heart, trying to make his apologetic look seem as sarcastic as he could.

„Then it is better I get a drink from the bar now as you requested. I am terribly sorry to disrespect your customs.“

He backed off from the table and turned to the bar that separated the vampires from the humans. Seonghwa followed him, trying to grab his arm.

„Hongjoong, don’t leave.“

He knew all eyes were on him.

„Oh, I am not leaving. Simply getting a drink like they want me to.“

As he stepped up to the bar, he did not even glance at the other humans. Just looked the barkeeper dead in the eye, that seemed a bit nervous at the attention.

„I will have a glass of wine, please“, Hongjoong said.

There were multiple people who started murmuring between them.

The staff opened his mouth in protest, then closed it again. He looked between him and Seonghwa, unsure what to do.

„You must have wine here?“, Hongjoong said. „I‘m not picky, any will do.“

He fumbled again. „We do, somewhere, surely. But-“

„Great, I‘ll have a red please.“

The barkeeper just looked at Seonghwa, as if he was waiting for him to interfere.

Seonghwa just stepped up next to him, a hand on his waist.

„You heard his order.“

He courtly nodded and got a bottle of wine from under the bar, filling up a glass, similar to the ones the vampires were drinking from.

„Thank you“, Hongjoong smiled and took it from him with a small bow.

But then he did not even think of going to the space where the other humans sat. Instead he turned around, walking straight back to their seats.

He gestured for Seonghwa to sit down, and when he did so, Hongjoong took a seat directly in his lap.

He was sure people were looking offended, shocked, maybe even impressed - he did not care about any of them though. Just looked at Eden, whose face was unreadable, a shield almost.

He looked him straight in the eyes as he raised his glass.

„To you“, Hongjoong said. „And to another thousand years.“

And then he took a deep sip of wine. 

No matter how satisfying the feeling was, Hongjoong came to slightly regret his actions later at night, when his anxiety caught up with him and he found himself without access to the remedy that could take it away from him.

They were lying in bed, Seonghwa holding his trembling hands between his own, rubbing circles over the back of them to soothe him.

„I am so sorry Eden spoke like this. I had not seen him in years before coming here, and it seems my memory softened the edges and made him out to be a better person in my mind than he actually is. I now remember why I try to not keep contact with many of them.“

Hongjoong shook his head. „It‘s okay. It all worked out, right?“

Seonghwa smiled. „It did. I would have never thought that blatant disrespect for their customs would be the thing that earned you a spot at the table, yet it seems to have been efficient. Eden looked impressed by your courage.“

It made Hongjoong proud, thinking back. 

Maddox had looked like he was about to explode when Hongjoong had raised his glass, and for a moment he thought they would all get kicked out.

But surprisingly, Eden had actually started to laugh. And then he had raised his glass of blood as well, joining Hongjoong‘s toast.

No one had said anything about his presence after.

Hongjoong trembled again, instinctively shifting closer to Seonghwa in search of comfort.

„I just wish I would have come up with something different to annoy them. Then you could drink from me right now, if there was no alcohol in my blood.“

Seonghwa placed a kiss on his fingertips.

„It is a small price to pay for the satisfaction of seeing their faces. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Though I am sorry you had to do it.“

He shook his head. „It‘s okay. Now they at least know they can‘t mess with us.“

He laughed, deep and quiet. „That is true.“

And it was. The next day, he seemed to somehow have been accepted in all spaces, no one questioning him wherever he went, and some vampires actually approaching him to talk to him, instead of about him. 

It seemed like most of them were okay with the idea of sharing a space with a human, as long as Eden allowed it. 

Today, Hongjoong sat with them at the table for mealtimes, the only person in sight who had an actual plate of food in front of him instead of the heavy blood filled goblets. Some still eyed him sceptically, but no one dared to comment on his presence anymore, especially not with Seonghwa‘s protective hand always on his waist or thigh, or holding his own on the table.

They went for a walk out in the late afternoon sun again, Seonghwa laughing at how Hongjoong fascinatedly pointed at the cliffs and the sea below in awe from under his umbrella. After a while, Yeosang even joined them, similarly dressed to shield himself from the sun.

And it was perfect. Seonghwa was so loving, and Yeosang so caring, and he felt like he actually belonged here with them.

Again, Hongjoong thought that he would tell San soon, when he came back. Seonghwa and Yeosang had turned out to be so important to him. And Wooyoung was important to Yeosang. San was the missing puzzle piece, the one to tie them all together. 

Hongjoong could see the vampires doting on him, falling for his halo hair and dimples and his kind eyes just like everyone did. Maybe they could all go to the club together, not to drink, but to see Mingi and Yunho and Jongho. It would be perfect.

It will be perfect.

Since no one in the castle safe for the humans - and Seonghwa - slept, there was no way of really telling where one day ended and the next began. The festivities just blurring into one another.

What Hongjoong knew however was that the last night they were there was to be the main day of the celebrations. It was Eden‘s actual birthday ever since the clock had struck midnight, and he had decided to celebrate it with an actual ball.

So when their walk along the cliffs came to an end, they retreated to their rooms again to get ready.

It was the most formal event, and that meant it was time for the suit that had hung in the closet for three days now, waiting to be worn. The heavy fabric felt unfamiliar on Hongjoong‘s body when he slipped the jacket on, and he couldn‘t help but note again how deep the neckline of his vest splunged.

However, he was quickly distracted when he saw Seonghwa step up to him, dressed in the counterpart of his own suit.

„Oh wow“, it escaped Hongjoong.

They were matching in a mismatched way.

Where Hongjoong‘s suit only had velvet details, Seonghwa‘s was full on black velvet, both jacket and pants, that flowed along his body as if it was liquid. And where Hongjoong‘s neck and chest were bare, Seonghwa‘s dress shirt had an extra high lace collar that went up all the way to his chin, almost like a choker.

„I should be saying wow“, Seonghwa said, running his hands along Hongjoong‘s chest, smoothing out his jacket. „You look incredible.“

„So do you.“

He smiled at him and the fondness of it contrasted starkly with his dark look, hair meticulously styled in a comma style and a bit of makeup on to take the softness of his eyes away.

„Are you nervous?“, he asked, holding one of Hongjoong‘s hands in between both of his, as if to see if they were trembling. 

He let out a small laugh. „I just have no idea what to do at a ball. I know none of the dances.“

Seonghwa joined in in his laughter.

„Do not worry, I did not expect you to be knowledgeable in something that most people stopped doing many generations ago. I will teach them to you.“

„I think I would really like that.“

When they entered the ballroom, it took Hongjoong‘s breath away. It was the last of the big halls on the ground floor of the castle that he had not yet seen, connected to the dining hall by a double door that was now open, to allow for guests to come and go as they pleased.

And as soon as Hongjoong stepped into it, he decided the room was by far his favorite. 

It looked huge, but at second glance Hongjoong noticed that that was mostly due to the mirrors that covered the two long walls of the rectangular hall, reflecting the image over and over to make it seem infinite. The mirrors were framed by gold, or at least stone or plaster that was painted golden, and along with the candles that sat in the big chandeliers on the ceiling, it made the room look warm, like liquid treasure.

People dressed in intricate suits and beautiful evening gowns, some of them rather modern, some timeless, like what he and Seonghwa were wearing, some looking like they had been ripped right out of another century.

„What do you think?“, Seonghwa said. Hongjoong was holding his arm again as he guided him into the hall, all wide eyes. He had never in his life expected to see something like this.

„This is so beautiful!“ He looked at him. „Thank you so much for taking me here.“

He leaned into him the tiniest bit.

„Thank you for being here with me.“

And the night only got better from there on out. 

They danced to the music the string quartet was playing, Seonghwa teaching Hongjoong the basic dances, Yeosang teaching him others. They were dances no one really knew how to do anymore, from centuries past, yet here they were still alive.

Some vampires approached them and asked to steal Hongjoong away for a dance, and he was surprised, but not opposed to the idea. 

He ended up dancing with multiple people, whenever it was one of the easy dances he had memorized by now. It was strange, being so close to people who he knew were able to smell the blood under his skin, but the attention was also fun, it was exciting, and it made him feel accepted.

Seonghwa was being approached by many guests himself, and Hongjoong was happy to give him the space and opportunity to dance with them as well.

Though when he was being honest, he secretly wished he could have him all for himself, to be the only one who was allowed to touch him like this, the only one with Seonghwa‘s hand on his hip, guiding him over the dancefloor.

Their glances met through the hall multiple times, and there was always longing in them.

And after a while, Seonghwa stole him away from the vampire he was currently dancing with, and dragged him out the room.

„I feel like they have had enough of you“, he breathed and pressed Hongjoong into the stone wall outside, connecting their lips.

Hongjoong smiled into the kiss. „Are you jealous, Dr. Park?“

He kissed him again. „Terribly.“

They giggled as they ran along the hallways and up the stairs of the tower, like two highschoolers that were sneaking away from prom, hiding from the teachers to make out in a closet.

And when they were in their room, they kissed properly, quickly discarding their clothes, as if they would starve if they didn‘t touch each other right now. 

Skin on skin, and laughter between kisses. 

The laughter turned into moans as soon as Seonghwa‘s fangs sank into the tender skin of Hongjoong‘s inner thigh, drinking from him.

They had sex, hastely, quickly, before anyone would notice their absence. But it was as beautiful, as intimate as the first time. Maybe even more so. 

Seonghwa whispered compliments in his ears, and called him my dear and my love , and Hongjoong had never felt so cared for.

Almost as if they were one. The line where one ended and the other started becoming blurry. So, so blurry. The lines had been blurry ever since they had arrived here, but never like this.

When they went back to the dance, Yeosang sent them a knowing smile, seeing their slightly tousled hair and suits that did not sit on their bodies as properly as before.

They only danced with each other for the rest of the night.

✦

The drive home was peaceful. 

They had ended up staying much longer than they had planned, spurred on by the excitement of the night, and when they eventually got to their car, the moon was high in the sky.

Hongjoong was tired, but not the deep exhaustion kind of tired that only left him drained and dreading ever having to get up again. It was the kind of tiredness that had him lean his head against the car window, looking at the world they passed that was only illuminated by moonlight, slightly blurry before his eyes. 

A protective, grounding hand on his thigh, rubbing circles into it from time to time, and Yeosang’s and Seonghwa’s quiet conversation as a calming background noise that made him feel safe.

He wasn‘t sure, but he maybe drifted to sleep from time to time, too. His head still a bit fuzzy from the excitement and the impressions and the traces of venom that had left his body by now but still made his head spin in remembrance.

„We are almost home, dear“, a quiet voice eventually pulled him from his light slumber, and when he opened his eyes there were indeed the first signs of city life before them.

When they reached the city, it seemed unfamiliar. The lights, the noise, the cars, the people, strange and new, as if he had been gone much longer than only three days - as if it had changed while he had been gone, or as if he had changed. 

They dropped off Yeosang first, at the club, him wanting to check in with Mingi if everything had been going well at his business while he had been away. Hongjoong hugged him and thanked him for looking out for him during the weekend, and then they were back on the street.

For a second, Hongjoong contemplated asking Seonghwa if he could sleep over at his apartment for another night, the thought of leaving him and going back to his normal life a strange and unwanted one.

But he knew he had to go to university in just a couple of hours, and that Seonghwa had his own responsibilities that awaited him when the sun would rise.

It was the smartest thing to do to just go home.

They would be okay.

When they eventually reached Hongjoong‘s apartment building, Seonghwa opened his car door for him, offering up his hand to help him out like he always did. He accompanied him upstairs, and much too soon, they were in front of his apartment door.

They made for a strange pair, both still dressed in their expensive suits that made for a stark contrast to their surroundings of a simple hallway in an apartment building, where only really students and low income families lived. 

Seonghwa ethereal in his lace collar shirt, slicked back hair and dark eyes, and Hongjoong with his low cut vest and bites and bruises littered all over the exposed skin from chest to chin.

He would have to find a way to cover them up for university tomorrow, but for today he would enjoy their sight, would enjoy how they made him feel as Seonghwa now traced his fingertips over them slightly, delicately.

„I should have really sealed these up properly“, he said again, hints of guilt on his face. 

He shook his head, taking Seonghwa‘s hand that was tracing the bites and interlacing their fingers. „It‘s okay. I like them.“

„Make sure to wear something with a high collar tomorrow. I do not want you to get into trouble again because of me.“

„Don‘t worry about me.“

„How could I not?“, he smiled, but it was slightly pained.

And it felt familiar. Maybe they were more alike than Hongjoong sometimes thought, apart from the obvious differences that made him feel so separated from him sometimes.

They both worried.

Seonghwa brushed a strand of hair behind his ear. „Thank you, again. For accompanying me. Without you, this weekend would have been an unbearable string of formalities. With you there, it was more than just enjoyable.“

The words made Hongjoong blush. „I had a great time, too. Thank you so much for showing me all this.“

„I am glad you let me.“

For a moment, it was silent between them, no one wanting to be the first one to break it, to say goodbye, to put an end to this night.

Instead of a goodbye, Seonghwa eventually placed a chaste kiss on Hongjoong‘s lips, and he felt a smile on them.

„When will I see you again?“, Hongjoong asked after he drew back.

Seonghwa frowned. „Not for a while I fear. At least not until the weekend.“

Hongjoong‘s heart sank at that.

„It seems I have ignored my duties for a bit. I will not lie to you, things are rather tense at the bank with the ongoing blood shortage. So there are some things I have to get in order after having been away.“

Hongjoong nodded. „It‘s okay, I get it.“

And he did, but that did not stop him from freezing where he stood as dread filled him.

How would he last the entire week without Seonghwa drinking from him? What would he do when his anxiety overcame him again, when his mind couldn‘t come up with its usual coping mechanisms, like it so often failed to do these days?

He could almost feel his hands starting to tremble at the mere thought.

„Do you want to-“, Hongjoong started.

„What is it dear?“

Hongjoong swallowed, his eyes darting down to Seonghwa‘s lips.

„How about one last bite? As a goodbye, to set a proper end to the weekend?“

Seonghwa seemed conflicted, looking at the already many scars he had left in the past days.

„I do not know if that would be the wisest thing to do. I drank from you already today.“

Hongjoong looked up at him with pleading eyes. „Not much. Just a quick one. Just so I can sleep.“

That made him soften up.

„I usually always stay until the high has subsided though, to make sure you are being safe. You know the effects.“

He nodded. „I know them. But I am just going to sleep after this, nothing else.“

Seonghwa hesitated another moment, but in the way his eyes trailed down Hongjoong‘s neck, he saw that he had already decided that he wanted this, too.

„Only a quick one. And please, promise to go straight to bed after“, he whispered, taking Hongjoong‘s wrist in his hand and lifting it up to his lips.

Hongjoong usually preferred the neck, the wrist holding too many bad memories of scars in a hospital bed. But right now, with the prospect of this being the last venom he would get in a while, he didn‘t really care.

„I promise“, he said, and in the next moment, fangs pierced his skin there, opening up the old scar that lay beneath.

Seonghwa didn‘t drink much, just like he had said. Just lingered there for a moment, looking up at Hongjoong through his big, dark eyes as he drank from him. And then, just a moment later, he drew back again, thoroughly licking up the last drops of blood and sealing the wound.

The venom hit Hongjoong a moment after. The familiar dizziness creeping up his body until it reached his head and made it spin. His pupils were probably blown wide right now, his breathing slightly quickening.

And the trembles disappeared from his fingers, as he felt light, free - blissful.

Seonghwa drew him back into a copper kiss, and Hongjoong smiled into it, and he felt Seonghwa smile too. It was an innocent kiss, a proper goodbye.

And when they separated again, looking at each other where they stood, so so close, Hongjoong could only think one thing.

I love you.

His head was spinning and his inhibitions were low due to the venom that made his thoughts and movements uncoordinated. Allowed for thoughts he would never allow himself to think in any other state.

But this much was clear to him in that moment.

I love you, Park Seonghwa. I love you so much.

The words did not leave his lips, and he was grateful for it. He did not want them to destroy this peaceful moment. Did not want to cross this line, the one line more defined than all the rest of them.

Seonghwa didn‘t say anything either, just looked at him with the something in his eyes that Hongjoong had never quite figured out, that still left him guessing. 

It was maybe more intense than he had ever seen it, but that could also have been the venom speaking.

„Good night, Kim Hongjoong“, Seonghwa eventually said. He took Hongjoong‘s hand again and placed a kiss on it.

„Sleep well.“

And with a last look back, he left, leaving Hongjoong with feelings that confused him deeply.

As he turned towards his apartment and tried to unlock the door, he noted how uncoordinated he was. The venom was in his veins and it made the world spin and every movement more difficult than usual.

But he didn‘t care. Not when he was so happy right now, the feeling of Seonghwa‘s lips still on his and only one thought in his head.

I love you.

When he finally opened the door, he stumbled into the room, having to hold onto the door frame to keep himself upright. A giggle escaped him as he patted down the wall in search of the lightswitch. 

The bright light made him flinch as it suddenly filled the room and he slowly put down his bags on the floor, making his way to his bedroom.

A movement out of the corner of his eyes made him stop in his tracks and turn around.

From the sofa came a groan.

„Hyung?“

Hongjoong froze where he stood. 

No. No. No.

On the sofa was a figure, wrapped in a blanket, hair disheveled from sleep.

„San, what are you doing there?“, Hongjoong said, panic lacing his voice.

Anything but this.

San slowly sat up on the sofa, rubbing his eyes. „I was waiting for you to come back. I think I fell asleep while-“

Hongjoong only had time to hold onto the kitchen counter to stabilize himself as a new wave of dizziness overcame him, before San‘s eyes met him.

He stopped speaking as soon as he looked at Hongjoong, all tiredness seemingly falling off his body at that moment. He shot up, the blanket falling off of him as he stood.

„Hyung“, he said, his eyes focused on Hongjoong‘s neck.

No. This was not happening.

He tried to reach up, tried to hide the bites, to cover up the skin that was littered with them - but it was too late. The damage had been done.

San shook his head slowly, his face falling. He took a step back, flinching as if he had been punched in the gut. 

„San I-“, he tried to explain, but San just took another step back.

„Hyung, you‘re high.“

Chapter Text

„Hyung, you’re high.“

The words resonated in the air for a moment before they could properly register with Hongjoong. Like a hand drawn back, just to strike your cheek and send you toppling over a moment later.

A brief moment of oblivion, before the impact, before the words crashed down on him with all the weight words could carry.

And Hongjoong had to cling onto the counter he was leaning against as the words were accompanied by a new wave of dizziness, the world blurring at the edges.

When San’s eyes followed the motion, something changed in his face. 

Because even worse than his words, these words tainted by so much pain, was his expression, right then and there.

He looked like Hongjoong was the one who had struck him.

„Sannie, I-“

Hongjoong‘s mind was still outside in the hallway, just seconds ago when everything had been perfect. A different world where there was no pain, where everything was finally going to be alright, after so long. 

When there had been only bliss, the only thing clinging to his lips the unspoken words of I love you .

Now only an unspoken I am sorry clung to them, laced with the bitter taste of guilt.

„Please, it‘s not what it looks like“, he said instead.

San shook his head. His eyes were wide, unmoving as they clung to Hongjoong‘s neck. And they had tears in them. Tears of shock, threatening to fall if he only blinked.

„What else could this be then?“, he said, his voice fragile, breaking.

Hongjoong stabilized himself enough to not rely on the counter anymore.

„Please, let me explain, I‘m not high, I-“, he hurried to say, but San interrupted him.

„Are you serious?“ His tone shifted, almost angry now.

„Do you really think I don‘t know what it looks like? Do you think I could ever forget?“ 

Hongjoong shook his head, so quickly it made his vision blurry again. 

„Let‘s just go to bed“, he begged. „We can talk about this tomorrow, when we‘re both-“

„When we‘re both what?“, he interrupted him again, voice trembling. „Sober? Because I am. I always am. Always. And I deserve an answer now .“

He took a step towards Hongjoong.

„What is happening to you?“

Hongjoong‘s hands were still at his neck, trying to cover up the traitorous bites, even though he knew it was futile. San had seen them all.

„Nothing is happening to me. I have it under control“, he said, desperately almost.

He flinched at his own words. It was the same words he had said over and over again, back then. He had heard the words from the people around him, over and over again.

The words every addict had said one too many times.

But this was different. This time the words were true, they had to be.

He was not an addict.

„You have it under control?“, San repeated, slowly. 

„I do.“

And in the next moment, San grabbed him by the wrist, without a warning, and yanked at it.

Hongjoong yelped at the sudden motion.

San was never one to be like this - to be rough. Always soft spoken words and gentle touches, like everyone around him was a stray cat he didn‘t want to scare away.

But now, Hongjoong could only stumble behind him as he dragged him through the room, his ebbing high making him barely coordinated enough to stay on his feet.

They suddenly stopped, hands at his shoulders, grabbing him and keeping him in place.

„You have it under control?“, San said again, but this time he sounded angry. He sounded betrayed.

When Hongjoong‘s eyes focused again, blinking at the harsh neon lighting from above, they were in the bathroom. 

And when he looked in the mirror in front of him, the picture that reflected back at them made him suck in a sharp breath.

San was standing behind him, looking angrier than he had maybe ever seen him. 

And the Hongjoong in front of him, the version of himself that the mirror showed him, looked - familiar.

But not the kind of familiarity that came from seeing his image every day, in this very mirror. 

The scars all over his neck and exposed chest. The pale, almost translucent skin. The shadows under his eyes. And most of all, the dilated pupils that swallowed almost his entire iris, unable to focus on anything for more than a second before it became blurry.

They held a different kind of familiarity. 

And Hongjoong could see it. God, he could see the exact image San was seeing, and he knew what San thought it meant. Knew what memories it brought back for him.

How many times had he looked into the mirror to see a version of himself, with pale skin and black irises staring back at him? 

But it was not like back then. 

How could he make him see that it was not like back then?

„Sannie, this is - I know what this looks like to you“, he said. „But this is not a drug. You can‘t get hooked on it, I‘ve told you before, this is different!“

His stare in the mirror darkened. „This is different?“, he said.

One hand left Hongjoong‘s shoulder and forcefully pushed up the sleeve of his jacket, all the way above his elbow.

Hongjoong flinched when he saw the scars on his arm, so much more obvious in the harsh neon lighting.

„Look at yourself and tell me again that this is different“, San said, his voice breaking at the end as tears accumulated in his eyes that kept looking back and forth between Hongjoong‘s arm and his neck.

And Hongjoong felt exposed. More exposed than he had maybe ever felt. The lighting like that of an interrogation room, leaving no scar unseen.

„How long have you been doing this?“, San asked.

Hongjoong hesitated.

„I was only helping him“, he said eventually. „He needed the blood and there is this whole shortage going on, so I offered him one day like I told you. And after that we just kind of - kept going, because it wasn’t getting better, and-“

He grew quieter and quieter, not knowing what to say to make this right.

At that, sadness replaced the anger on San‘s face. 

„Hyung, that was weeks ago. That was months . You told me it was only twice. You told me you stopped.“ His voice broke. „Why did you lie to me?“

Hongjoong froze in place, opening his mouth to respond, but then closing it again.

I didn‘t lie to you , he wanted to say. But he knew that that would only be yet another lie to add to his list of guilt.

So he stayed quiet, and that in itself felt like a betrayal.

„If you knew it wasn‘t a drug, if you were so sure you were not getting addicted. Then why did you lie to me? What was the reason, if there was nothing to worry about?“

Hongjoong could just look at his reflection in the mirror. And he found no words, not as the proof was there, not as the image reflecting back at him told him all of San’s words were true.

„I was so happy for you, hyung“, San said. „Whenever you talked about him, you seemed so happy. But now I know the reason why you were so happy. And why it never looked quite right, why you seemed so off.“

He backed off, taking a step back to bring distance between them. Hongjoong immediately pulled down the sleeve of his jacket, to at least cover some of the scars. 

„I thought that after all these years you had finally found yourself someone. Someone who could be for you what Wooyoung is for me, that someone you needed.“

San shook his head.

„But it seems like you only found yourself a dealer.“

Hongjoong turned around to face him, his eyes heating up. 

„That‘s not what he is“, he pleaded. „He means so much to me.“

San took another step away from him.

„Is that what you‘re telling him? Or what you‘re telling yourself, so you can keep doing what you‘re doing?“

San just turned away, leaving the bathroom, and crossing the living room.

Hongjoong ran after him.

„Sannie, please. Don‘t leave!“

He stopped in his tracks in the middle of the room and turned back to glare at him.

„Don‘t call me Sannie right now.“

Hongjoong took a step back. He had always called him Sannie, ever since they had decided to give life a last shot, together.

„What?“, he said, sounding defeated.

San took a deep breath.

„I would have followed you anywhere, you know? You are - you were like a hero to me. Like nothing could ever get you away from the right path. I always thought, if I just work hard enough, if I just suffer a bit more, then one day I‘ll be as strong as you.“

He swallowed, as if he was trying to contain his anger, or his tears, or both.

„And all the while, while I tried so hard to be good, to stay sober, to stay alive even though it was killing me every single day - you went and got high. And you lied to me about it. Lied in my face.“ 

Please, no. This was all so wrong, all of it.

„I only lied to protect you. To prevent exactly this from happening.“

„Protect me? Why do you always think you have to protect me?“, he shouted. „You always tell me what I can and can‘t do, what is or is not good for me, in what ways I have to give up on having a life in order to stay sober. And I always listen, because you have me convinced that you know better what I need than I know it myself.“

He shook his head.

„If Hongjoong can do it, so can I.“ 

San laughed, but it held no humor. It sounded almost like he was embarrassed.

„What a fucking joke.“

Hongjoong shook his head, dashing forwards and reaching out. Burying his hands into San‘s shirt, clinging onto it as if it were a lifeline.

„Please, let‘s just sit down and talk it through. I swear, I can explain.“

But San just took Hongjoong‘s hands and detached them from his shirt, turning away to walk towards the apartment door.

„No. I can‘t - I can‘t talk to you right now. I can‘t even look at you right now.“

Hongjoong followed him. He couldn‘t let him go right now, not like this. Not without making sure they would be alright.

He ran after him, out the apartment and across the hallway.

But he was only met with a door that shut in his face.

✦

Hongjoong woke up freezing and with a sore back.

And he only did wake up because the single mother who lived on the same floor as them tapped him on the shoulder because she couldn‘t get the stroller through the hallway with him lying there.

He scurried out of the way, embarrassed.

God, he must have made a strange, pitiful sight. Asleep, on the floor in front of San‘s apartment, still in his suit.

But he couldn‘t have gone home, even when it was just across the hall. He just couldn‘t. Not without talking to San first.

He rested his head on his knees, letting out a deep sigh.

What a mess he had created. 

He didn‘t know how long he stayed like this, too drained to even take his phone out of his pocket to check the time. But after a while, the sound of the door opening next to him made him jump.

He immediately hurried to his feet, straightening out his clothes. But as he saw who stood in the door, he deflated again.

„Woo“, he said as their eyes met.

„You’re still here.“

He sounded strange - court, almost mad. And he didn‘t look him in the eye.

„Please, can I speak to San?“, Hongjoong said. „It‘s important.“

Wooyoung leaned against the doorframe, not opening the door more than necessary, as if he was ready to shut it in Hongjoong‘s face any second.

„You missed him. He left this morning. While you were still asleep.“

Hongjoong frowned. „But - if he saw me, why didn’t he wake me up?“

„He didn’t seem happy to see you in the hallway“, Wooyoung said. 

Hongjoong ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the strands.

„I still need to talk to him. What time is he coming back?“

Wooyoung still avoided his eyes. 

„Not for a while. At least not today.“

„Wait - what do you mean, not today? He lives here, where else would he go?“

„He said he would go and spend some time with his mother.“

Hongjoong took a step back as the words registered with him.

„His mother ?“

„Yes, his mother“, he repeated

„You have to be kidding me. They haven’t been in contact forever! How is he suddenly staying at her place?“

„They have been in contact“, Wooyoung said quietly. 

Hongjoong shook his head. None of this made sense.

„When - when did that happen?“

And at that, Wooyoung looked at him, finally. But he didn‘t look - he glared.

„While you weren‘t looking, hyung“, he spat. „While you were out with Seonghwa. While you‘ve been too busy-“

„Too busy with what?“, Hongjoong said.

„Too busy getting high.“

Hongjoong froze.

„Not you too. You are the last one who can judge me. You are doing the exact same thing.“

„I’m not you, though. I don‘t have your history.“

„You told me it would be good for me in the first place, told me to try it out!“

„I didn‘t know it would change you like that!“, he exclaimed. „That you would become so distant.“

„I‘m not distant. I would do everything for San!“

Wooyoung shook his head, looking disappointed.

„He doesn‘t need someone to give him everything. Just someone who is there.“

The words hit Hongjoong, because he knew deep down they were true. He hadn‘t been there. Not really. And he had missed something this important.

„Why would he go to her ?“, he said, like it was an insult. 

„They have been talking for a while now, on the phone. She is working on herself. Getting sober.“

Hongjoong scoffed. „You can‘t seriously tell me you believe that. She is a notorious liar. She has made promises like these so many times.“

Wooyoung threw up his hands as if he had been defeated. 

„I don‘t know what to believe anymore, okay? And I am sure it‘s even worse for San.“

Hongjoong hesitated.

„What do you mean?“

„He trusted you, you know? He was so sure you would never, ever lie to him. When he told me what happened - he wasn‘t mad about you getting high. We could have figured that stuff out together. He was mad about you keeping secrets from him.“

And there it was again, the guilt. The guilt for lying to him, for getting them in this situation in the first place.

„I was planning on telling him the truth soon“, Hongjoong pleaded. „Just a bit longer and I would have told him.“

Wooyoung turned away. „Yeah, sure.“

„Please, Woo“, he said, grabbing his arm to keep him from closing the door. „This isn‘t about me. I‘m worried about him. And I don‘t believe you for one second when you say you aren‘t, when you say you‘re okay with him being gone.“

Wooyoung glared at him.

„And what if I am not okay with it? What if I am worried sick about him? What would I do? Hm?“

„Talk to him, please“, he begged. „Tell him to come back.“

„And why would he listen to me?“

„He will, I mean he is your-“

Wooyoung just cocked his head, challenging. „He is my what?“

Hongjoong grew silent.

And Wooyoung smiled. A smile that looked so deeply sad. Defeated.

„I was planning on telling him soon too, you know“, he said. „That I love him. Maybe that would have changed something.“

„Wooyoung-“

He shrugged.

„Seems we both danced around the truth for a bit too long, haven‘t we?“

When the door closed in his face yet again, Hongjoong‘s eyes were burning.

✦

By the time he made it back to his apartment, unshed tears were blurring his vision so he could barely see.

He immediately dashed towards the fridge and tore off the bucket list that had been pinned there.

If Hongjoong can do it, so can you.

The words were laughing in his face, were mocking him, and he promptly crumpled the list up and shoved it into a random drawer. 

Out of sight, so it could not remind him of his failure again. 

He thought it would help him breathe again, would help the trembles in his hands die down, but it did nothing. The catharsis of the words disappearing under his fingers only there for a fleeting moment.

He sat down on the kitchen floor, burying his face in his knees that he had drawn to his chest.

San hated him.

Wooyoung hated him.

They hadn‘t said it to his face, but he knew it was true. Had seen it in their eyes, had heard it in the way their voices had trembled with barely contained anger.

They hated him.

And as he sat there, he felt so, so alone. He needed someone, needed a familiar voice to tell him things would be okay, even if it was a lie. He‘d gladly take a lie, accept it with open arms. 

Instinctively his hands reached into his pockets and pulled out his phone, which was almost dead.

He needed Seonghwa. 

His fingers almost couldn‘t press the contact with how badly they were trembling. 

God, he needed to hear his voice so badly. 

His thumb pressed call.

San hates me.

Wooyoung hates me.

I just need someone to tell me they - 

Hongjoong froze as the implications of his thoughts registered with him. And he immediately hung up the call, before Seonghwa could even pick up.

He tried to exhale slowly to keep down the tears. He would not cry.

You won‘t hear these words from Seonghwa , he thought to himself. No matter how badly you need to hear them. Just because you love him doesn‘t mean he loves you. Why would he? How could he ever?

He pressed his hands to his chest to keep them from trembling as he tried to control his breathing.

We‘re just mayflies to them after all.

Eventually, his phone vibrated against his chest.

Seonghwa:

Is everything alright? I think I had a missed call from you.

He took another deep breath. He couldn‘t tell him the truth. Couldn‘t drag him into this. He‘d figure it out himself.

Hongjoong:

Yeah, everything is good. I was just bored, but I remembered you‘re probably busy at work.

Seonghwa:

That is a relief. I am sorry I am so busy this week.

Hongjoong:

It‘s really no big deal!

Seonghwa:

Are you sure you are alright, Hongjoong?

Hongjoong:

Why wouldn‘t I be? :)

Seonghwa:

You never text with correct punctuation or spelling.

Oh shit. He hadn‘t even noticed how off his messages sounded while he had been typing them out.

Hongjoong:

oh whoops. caught me I guess. It's probably just the uni stress haha.

Seonghwa didn‘t have to know that he hadn‘t actually gone to uni today. Which was a horrible idea considering exams were around the corner. But university was the least of his concerns right now.

Not when everything was in shambles.

Seonghwa :

Text me when you need me. I mean it. Even when I am busy, I will always make time for you, dear.

Hongjoong didn‘t respond. He tried, but his fingers were trembling too much to type out a coherent message. So he just put his phone away and tried not to cry.

For some reason, it hurt, reading these words. Now that he knew that he loved Seonghwa, things had changed. It made these words hurt, knowing Seonghwa would never mean them like Hongjoong meant them. 

That was the main reason Hongjoong didn‘t contact him during the week. No matter how hard it was.

He would wait for Seonghwa to ask him to meet up. He wouldn‘t be the one to drag him away from work, wouldn‘t give in to his spiraling thoughts.

San didn’t come back that day. He also didn‘t come back the next day. Or the next. And suddenly, a week had passed.

Whenever Hongjoong tried to call him, no one would pick up. And after two days of constant calling, San eventually blocked him.

Hongjoong‘s phone now had a crack across the screen from how he had thrown it at the wall when he had noticed. Because now he was truly out of his reach. The only thing he could have done was show up at his mother’s doorstep - but Hongjoong wasn’t even sure if she still lived at the same address he remembered from all these years ago, and he knew that even if he were to find the place, he surely would only be met with yet another door shut in his face.

But the worry for San was eating him alive.

Hongjoong got worse with every day that he didn‘t come back.

He was nervous all day long, constantly at the brink of an anxiety attack. He called in sick at work and was a mess at uni, barely able to focus on his lectures. At night, he lay awake for hours, unable to fall asleep with his spiraling thoughts keeping him up.

And worst of all, whenever they weren‘t occupied with his worry, they could only focus on one thing.

The solution to his mind that was plaguing him. 

But he couldn‘t call Seonghwa. 

No matter how hard it was, how much his body ached for a bite, for his scars to be opened up again and filled with the familiar feeling of fangs and the burn of venom. For it to enter his bloodstream and take all these terrifying thoughts away from him.

It would make everything so much easier.

And Seonghwa would do it for him. He knew it. He just had to press call, say the word.

But if he did, it would make what San said be true. 

And it wasn‘t true. He could do this without the venom. He was not addicted.

He had left all of this behind.

It took a week to break Hongjoong‘s spirit. 

Because that was when the paranoia kicked in.

The anxiety, the spiraling thoughts, the tremors - they had been bad enough. But he was used to them to a certain extent.

But the paranoia rendered him completely incapable of doing anything, even after all these years of dealing with it. Because it tampered with his perception of the world around him. 

It kicked in while he was at university.

Everyone in the lecture hall suddenly seemed to be looking at him. Seemed to see his scars, the ones on his arms and the ones on his neck, no matter how many layers of fabric were covering them.

And all the murmuring voices he heard around him, he was sure they were talking about him.

Have you seen the addict? He‘s even worse of a mess than usual.

He‘s a liar. Lied to his best friend.

You can‘t trust an addict, everyone knows that.

He tried to shake his head, to get rid of the voices, but it didn‘t work.

After one lecture it became so overwhelming, the noises buzzing in his ears, that he decided to go home before he had a proper breakdown. 

The bus ride was horrible, Hongjoong always looking over his shoulders to see who was behind him, even though the bus was practically empty.

And when he walked through his neighborhood, he swore he saw someone hiding behind a building, peeking at him.

Wait, had that been one of Chan’s men? He was sure he had recognized the face from somewhere. Had he been at the restaurant that day?

The alley was a typical spot. Near a busy street, but hidden enough. A perfect location to position a dealer. Or someone to keep an eye out for someone.

Hongjoong froze in his tracks. He had to look. Had to confront them now and tell them to leave him alone, that he was done with that life, before they would start terrorizing him any more.

But when he rounded the corner of the building, the alley was completely empty.

He shakily exhaled.

Get it together, Hongjoong.

He turned around and walked to his apartment building. When he took the keys out of his pocket with shaking hands, he was barely able to keep them between his fingers.

Just as he tried to unlock the door, a sudden movement in the corner of his eye made him jump.

He dropped the keys as he flinched back, looking around him to see where the movement had come from.

A meow made him look at the ground before his feet, where his keys lay.

And there was the source of the movement - a cat. One that he had seen a couple of times already. The siamese one that sometimes hung out around the apartment, waiting to be fed.

„Go away, Byeol“, Hongjoong said, as if the cat were the sole reason for this mess.

She didn‘t move, just meowed again. She was probably hungry, and confused no one was here to feed her.

Hongjoong felt his eyes burning up. He balled his hands into fists.

„Go away you stupid cat!“, he shouted.  „San is gone. He’s not coming back.“

When he entered his apartment, the tears spilled.

And he knew he couldn‘t do it anymore. He just couldn‘t.

He pressed call on Seonghwa‘s contact.

✦

That same day, Hongjoong found himself in front of Utopia again.

When he looked at the red neon sign, it seemed too bright for the dark alley he was in. It almost hurt his eyes.

He was dressed for a night out, but barely so. He hadn‘t put in the energy he had put in when he had gone with Wooyoung, simply putting on the first black clothes he had found in his wardrobe, and not even bothering with makeup.

He didn‘t want to party. Not when his paranoia was at an all time high. Just wanted - needed - to see Seonghwa.

Seonghwa had sounded concerned on the phone, when Hongjoong had called him. He had tried to hide his trembling voice, and sound as unbothered as he could. But Seonghwa knew him too well by now.

He had offered to come to Hongjoong‘s apartment, or for Hongjoong to come to his.

But Hongjoong had declined. Because the intimacy that these places held scared him.

It hadn‘t ever scared him before. But now it did.

Because he was afraid of what he would say, if it was just the two of them, in the safety of their home. Afraid of these words that had been on the tip of his tongue for a week now, scared of them to fall and destroy everything they had.

He couldn‘t tell Seonghwa that he was in love with him.

That would cross a line. Maybe the most important line that was between them. A line that would send everything crumbling down around them if he so much as stepped on it.

And he could not lose Seonghwa, too.

So he had opted for the club, as a safe middle ground. 

Seonghwa had drank from him here before. He associated Utopia with sharp fangs and bruising touches, and the rush of the venom, all while the faint noise of the base and people kept them grounded in reality.

And that was exactly what he needed today.

Needed Seonghwa to drink from him, to take all his pain away, and nothing else. 

He knew this location was the right decision, but it didn’t change how much it was feeding into his paranoia.

When he passed Jongho, he was scared for a second that he wouldn’t let him in. Jongho eyed him, eyed his trembling hands and shortness of breath, how he turned around every couple of seconds, because there were just so many people and he felt like he couldn‘t trust any of them.

Jongho‘s eyes went slightly wide as they met the numerous bite marks that were on full display in Hongjoong‘s low cut shirt, but eventually let him go in without further comments.

And Hongjoong didn’t even bother going to the bar or the dancefloor. Avoided the people as much as humanly possible in a packed club, and went straight to the staircase that led to their room. 

When he tried the door, it was already unlocked.

And when he opened it, when he stepped inside and his eyes fell on the familiar figure, standing in front of the open balcony door, his back turned to him, silhouette illuminated by moonlight - it was as if for a moment, everything was okay again.

All his worry, all his pain, almost disappeared.

„Seonghwa“, he breathed.

He turned around, and God - he was so beautiful.

In the way his eyes met Hongjoong‘s, there was this something again, this something Hongjoong couldn‘t name. And it made him even more ethereal than he already was.

„Hongjoong“, he answered, and a smile graced his lips, as he rushed towards him.

When he pulled him into a hug, let Hongjoong‘s face rest against his chest, it almost made Hongjoong cry out of relief right then and there.

„I missed you“, Seonghwa whispered into his hair.

„I missed you too“, Hongjoong said, knowing these words could never convey what he actually felt.

Seonghwa tilted Hongjoong‘s face up and then connected their lips. They tasted sweet, just how Hongjoong would have loved it, were it any other day.

Today, the sweetness scared him. He was yearning for the familiarity of the copper. A clear drawn line.

When they drew back and looked at each other, Hongjoong gasped.

His hands flew up to Seonghwa‘s face to trace the shadows under his eyes, purple against white.

„It‘s only been a week“, he said. „How-“

The last time he had seen him with shadows like these was months ago, when he had been starving himself for quite a while already. He looked drained, his eyes a bit too dull.

Seonghwa shook his head, forcing a smile. „I‘m okay. It‘s just - that is the downside of overindulging I fear. I forgot how much quicker my thirst returns once I get used to drinking directly from the source, instead of from the blood bags.“

The comment made Hongjoong feel slightly guilty, knowing he had been part of the reason Seonghwa was looking like this.

He immediately let his hand fall again and tilted his head to the side, exposing his neck slightly.

„Drink from me, then. It‘s been a week, I have more than enough blood, there‘s no need for you to be thirsty right now.“

With a flinch he noticed how desperate he sounded. Almost as if he was begging him.

And Seonghwa seemed to notice, too, taking his hand and smiling at him tentatively.

„There is no rush, my dear. I am completely fine. We have all night.“

He pulled him to the sofa with him and they sat down together, Hongjoong trying to hide his hands so Seonghwa could not see the tremors. They got worse as he realized he would not bite him immediately.

„How are you doing?“, Seonghwa asked, taking one of Hongjoong‘s hands anyway and rubbing it between both of his. „You seemed distraught when you called.“

Hongjoong considered lying to him for a second. But then he remembered what had happened the last time he had lied to someone he loved, and the guilt started gnawing at him again.

He sighed. „I - had a fight with San.“

Seonghwa furrowed his brow. „I am sorry to hear that. I know you two are very close. Was it severe?“

Hongjoong nodded. „Very. He is mad at me. The fight, it’s all my fault.“

„But you have been through much together, have you not? I am sure he will forgive you, whatever it is. Maybe you simply need to give him time.“

How could he explain to Seonghwa that it was not one of these fights? That it was not that easy? That he had truly ruined everything for good?

„He won‘t. He won‘t ever forgive me“, he whispered.

Seonghwa pushed a strand of hair behind his ear, caressing his cheek. „Do you want to tell me what happened?“

Hongjoong thought about it. But then he shook his head. 

He wanted to. But he knew that he couldn‘t.

„Okay“, Seonghwa said. „That is alright. I am always here to listen if you change your mind.“

„I know.“

A kiss against his temple. „What do you want to do instead?“

Hongjoong shifted in his seat. He knew exactly what he wanted - what he needed. But he had just asked Seonghwa for it, he couldn‘t do it again without him truly thinking something was up.

„Can you - can you kiss me?“, he asked instead, looking up at him tentatively.

Seonghwa seemed worried for a moment. But then he smiled at him, softly.

„Of course, dear. Come here.“

And then he pulled him into a soft kiss, a hand resting at his lower back.

Hongjoong melted against him. They let their hands and lips trail, exploring each other without a rush. Safe, in their space that contained nothing but them. 

It was perfect.

Until a noise, a yell, ripped Hongjoong out of the moment and made him flinch away.

Where had that yell come from?

His eyes were wide as he frantically searched across the room for the source of the noise, his hands beginning to shake again and breathing quickening.

„Shh, everything is alright“, Seonghwa said, stroking his hair, looking confused. „It was just someone outside. Should I close the door?“

Hongjoong nodded, tears suddenly in his eyes as he trembled.

„Yes, please.“

Seonghwa got up and shut the balcony door, locking out the noises of the outside world with it.

When he returned to him, Hongjoong was crying. And he didn‘t even know why, why this simple noise had scared him that much.

„Hongjoong, what is wrong?“

„I‘m sorry. I just - I am such a mess these days, Seonghwa. I am so anxious all the time, and I don‘t think I‘ve ever been this paranoid, and I can‘t sleep and-“

Seonghwa pulled him against his chest, trying to calm him.

„You’re okay, you’re safe. Is this because of your fight with San?“

Hongjoong nodded against his chest.

It was half of the truth. 

„San left and I haven’t been able to reach him in a week. And I‘m so worried about him, I can‘t even think straight. I‘m so scared he will do something, that he is a danger to himself.“

His tears were dampening Seonghwa‘s shirt, but he couldn‘t stop.

„Everything is a mess. Everyone hates me. I can’t do it anymore without - I just need-“

He didn‘t finish the sentence, his thoughts and emotions in complete disarray. Instead he just straddled Seonghwa, pushed himself against his body and feverishly connected their lips.

Seonghwa froze up underneath him, overwhelmed, before returning the kiss. But he did so only for a second, before he gently pushed at him. 

But Hongjoong didn‘t budge that lightly. He craned his neck slightly, the way he knew would drive Seonghwa insane.

„Please, drink from me“, he begged. „I can see that you‘re thirsty. It will make all of this right again. We can talk after, just-“

But Seonghwa just shook his head and looked at him.

„You’re confusing me, Hongjoong“, he said, his brows drawn together. „You are obviously in distress. I cannot drink from you when you are like this. What happened to you?“

He squirmed on his lap, frustrated that Seonghwa wouldn‘t give him the one thing he needed more than anything right now. 

„It doesn’t matter. I can’t think about that stuff right now.“

When he tried to lean in again, a hand on his chest stopped him. He pushed him off his lap, sitting him down on the sofa beside him instead.

„Tell me what is going on with you, please. Where is San? Why did he leave?“

Hongjoong shook his head. „I can‘t tell you.“

Hands on his hip, drawing circles in the skin to soothe him, but it didn’t help.

„You need to tell me what happened so I can figure out a way to help you, Hongjoong.“

He shook his head again. 

„No'', he said. „I have to figure this out myself.“

Seonghwa pushed a strand of hair behind his ear again, but it only made him squirm more. He was getting more and more impatient.

„Hongjoong, please. We can do this together. Let us talk this through, we will find a solution. I can help you. I can-“

„I don‘t want your help!“, Hongjoong exclaimed, the words louder than intended. „The only thing I want from you is some venom, don‘t you get it?“

And then, it was quiet. It was quiet for quite a while. 

And as he looked at Seonghwa, and saw how his face fell, how he retracted his hands that had been so tender on his skin just a second ago - the weight of what Hongjoong had just said hit him with full force.

„Wait, Seonghwa“, he said, reaching out to him. „I didn‘t mean to say that.“

Seonghwa‘s expression was so pained, it was hard to look at him. He looked almost as if Hongjoong had punched him in the face, betrayal and shock written all over his features.

„But you did“, he said, quietly. „And you meant it.“

Hongjoong grabbed at him, tried to be as close as possible to Seonghwa as his eyes started burning, even when Seonghwa leaned away from the touch as if it was burning him. 

„No, please listen, I‘m sorry I said that. I don‘t know why I did.“

Seonghwa just kept looking at him, unmoving despite Hongjoong’s attempts to pull him closer. As if there was a line suddenly between them.

„Why did San leave?“, he said. „What was the reason?“

He shook his head. „Please, I can‘t tell you“, Hongjoong begged.

„He saw that you were addicted, did he not?“

Hongjoong flinched back.

„That‘s not - I‘m not-“, his voice gave out as tears blurred his vision.

And at that, Seongwa‘s expression of betrayal shifted to one of sadness. Of pity - and almost of guilt.

He slowly extended a hand and caressed Hongjoong‘s cheek, who himself was frozen in place.

„God, Hongjoong. I am so sorry.“

„What - what do you mean? I am not addicted. I can‘t be, it‘s not a drug, I can‘t get hooked on it.“

He frowned. „How did I not see it, even now? How was I so blinded by what I wanted to see?“

His thumb swiped away a tear that ran down Hongjoong’s face.

„I should have known better. I should have known the very moment I saw you step inside the blood bank, the moment I recognized your face.“

„What - what do you mean, recognized my face?“

„I knew you had an addictive personality, and yet I ignored everything my mind was telling me. Everytime it told me to stay away from you, that this was a horrible idea, I was just too selfish to listen. My selfishness told me it was okay to want you, and because of that, I didn’t see what it was doing to you.“

What was he talking about? What did he mean? 

„The venom doesn‘t have to be physically addicting. Your addictive tendencies are enough for you to mentally latch onto anything that would give you a high - and I should have known that. Should have seen it before it was too late.“

He caressed his cheek a last time, and then let go, as if it was a farewell. As if he had lost him.

„What do you mean, you recognized my face?“, Hongjoong repeated, unable to formulate any other words.

And Seonghwa didn‘t answer him first. Just looked at him with this deep sadness again, as he took his hand.

He turned it around, so his wrist was facing upwards, and took a thumb and swiped it over the faint scar that lay there. That old scar, that had become almost invisible with age until Seonghwa had opened it up again.

„You looked so lost in that huge hospital bed“, he said. „So thin, so pale. I had never seen anyone look that far gone. And all the while, even as you were dying, you were still so beautiful. “

Hongjoong froze as the words registered with him.

Because they didn‘t make any sense. None of this made sense.

„When the doctors called me in - I was scared I wouldn‘t be able to save you. I had done the job for years at that point. Because no one else would. No other vampires were willing to suffer through the pain, just to save a human, especially an addict. I thought I would do it forever.“

He brushed over the scar again. „But then you came. I had never seen a human with this much poison in their blood, a human who looked so fragile, like they had suffered though so much - and I had never been this scared I would not be able to save someone.“

He shakily exhaled.  „Seeing you, it broke me. And I quit the very next day. Left the hospital after I heard you had woken up, and never returned. I just couldn‘t do it anymore.“

Hongjoong‘s ears were buzzing.

„What are you saying, Seonghwa?“

He sighed, and with a last brush of his scar, he let his wrist go.

And then he looked at him.

„It was me, all these years back. I was the one who saved you.“

Hongjoong blinked frantically, blinked the tears away that blurred Seonghwa‘s face before him.

„You - what?“

„I should have known. I had seen how far you would go for a poison. How much you would let it destroy you. I just had never thought I would be the one to hand you the poison that would get you there again.“

Hongjoong didn‘t know what to say. Too shocked by his revelation. To know that the one in front of him, the one he loved, was also the one he owed his life to.

How could he ever express his gratitude? How could he convey his feelings for Seonghwa, who had given him a second chance at life, and then went and filled it with love and tenderness, after so many years of darkness?

„I was initially drawn to you simply because I remembered you“, Seonghwa continued. „And then, because your blood smelled so alluring to me. That is the exact moment I should have stopped. When it was all simple. Before I went and…“

He laughed, and it sounded pained, through layers of unshed tears.

„And all the while I really thought it was different this time. I thought you were maybe also-“

He stopped himself and shook his head. And then he let go of Hongjoong‘s hand, and got up from the sofa. Put distance between them.

„But you just used me to get high. You just kept me close, because I was giving you the drug you needed. Used me, like everyone else had.“

The words were so painful. Because Seonghwa looked like he actually, deeply believed in them.

„Seonghwa, that‘s not true“, Hongjoong said, getting up as well. „I care for you so much. I-“

„Don‘t say it“, he said. „Please, don‘t lie to my face just because you pity me. I could not bear it.“

„I swear to you, I am not lying“, he pleaded, taking a step towards Seonghwa.

But Seonghwa just shook his head, and his eyes were full of tears as he did so. Hongjoong hadn‘t even known vampires could cry. Yet here he was, looking so utterly broken.

„How did we end up destroying each other?“, Seonghwa said.

A tear fell down his cheek. „Why did I have to go and fall in love with you?“

And Hongjoong stopped in his tracks. Flinched away as he heard these words.

„You - what?“

Seonghwa wiped his tears away that kept falling down his face.

„I am in love with you, Kim Hongjoong.“

For a second the words made no sense to him. They couldn‘t be true.

Hongjoog had kept his feelings to himself, because it was impossible that Seonghwa returned them. How could he ever love Hongjoong back?

And yet here he was, claiming exactly this was true.

„What are you saying?“, Hongjoong said, after the silence became too thick between them.

Seonghwa stared at him, so intensely, with that something Hongjoong now had a name for. 

It was love.

But now, now that he finally had a name for it, it was already tainted. Tainted with betrayal.

„I was naive, and reckless, and fell in love with a human. Fell in love with you . And for a moment I thought - let myself hope-“ He took a deep, rugged breath. „That you loved me, too. That you didn‘t want me just for what I could give you.“

Hongjoong reached out to him, but he flinched away. He felt tears fill his eyes.

„But I do, Seonghwa. I love you. I was too afraid to tell you, because I thought I would destroy everything we had if I did. I‘m so, so in love with you.“

„No you aren‘t“, he spat at him, suddenly mad. Angry. „You don‘t love me. You just love the poison. You love the high I can give you. The rest is a lie we are both telling ourselves. An artificial paradise we built together, because it was less painful than reality.“

He walked backwards, as if he needed to put distance between himself and Hongjoong, until his back hit the door.

„I let myself think it could be true.“ He shook his head. „But it turns out you are just an addict after all.“

And without any other word, without a look back, Seonghwa left.

And Hongjoong broke down. 

✦

One time, back before Hongjoong had been to the clinic, before he had ever even worked for Chan, his old dealer had skipped town without warning and left him without any supply.

Hongjoong hadn‘t had any connections then, still a rather fresh addict, without knowledge of how to get the poison that he needed once his usual source was gone.

That had been the first time he had ever gone through withdrawal. 

The first of many, some forced, some voluntarily, but each more painful than the last.

But that had been years ago. Hongjoong had locked these memories far, far away. And over the years, he had forgotten what withdrawal symptoms felt like. 

Had thought it would never be like this again.

And yet here he was.

After his confrontation with Seonghwa, Hongjoong hadn‘t left the house. He had tried, once, to go to the grocery store, but the moment he had stepped outside his apartment, his paranoia had overcome him worse than ever before. And it had sent him right back into the familiarity of his own four walls, panting, and on the brink of tears.

So here he was now, curled in bed for most of the day, his curtains drawn to not let any light in. Because it only hurt his eyes.

He had thought he‘d never go through withdrawal again.

And in a way, he wasn’t.

Because the physical side of his symptoms was almost completely lacking. 

Wooyoung had been right - the venom was not physically addicting after all. All the horrible things he remembered from his previous withdrawals - the cramps, the fever, the nausea. Those were all absent, almost mockingly so.

But the mental side of it had never been this bad.

He was scared, paranoid, seeing people out for him behind every corner, even when he was all alone in his apartment. 

Faceless threats, and his mind gave them claws that reached out to him, trying to grab him and pull him back into a life he had run so hard to escape from.

He had run and run and run and he was so tired. The shadows his past was casting into his present were getting longer and longer and he just couldn‘t run anymore, couldn‘t outrun them. 

They were covering him, until it was dark, completely dark.

It had been dark back then, too. All the time. Even when he was out in the brightest summer sunlight - the shadows of his addiction had made everything dark.

With Seonghwa, everything had been so bright, he thought for a moment.

Even when Seonghwa couldn‘t go out into the daylight with him, couldn‘t lie in the summer sunlight. For some reason, it had always felt as if they were, even when they had been in the artificial red light of a club or the dimness of a library.

Those parts were the worst moments of his withdrawal.

When he thought of Seonghwa.

Because for a moment, it felt like everything was okay again, like they would be happy together, spending eternal days in the sunlight.

He could almost feel his gentle touches on his skin. His fingertips drawing circles on his hip bones. His soft trails of kisses, of lips along his jaw, before they connected with his own. Tasting so sweet, no traces of copper on them, only love.

Whispered names of affection, only for Hongjoong to hear.

My dear. My love. I am in love with you, Hongjoong.

But then, like a punch in the gut, he remembered. And suddenly, thinking of Seonghwa hurt, made his eyes burn and his stomach clench as he tried to hold back a sob that was stuck at the back of his throat.

He had lost him for good, hadn‘t he?

Had lost everyone he cared for, in just a fraction of a moment. Everyone he loved.

Everyone that had loved him. Didn‘t love him anymore.

Wooyoung hadn‘t contacted him ever since he had shut the door in his face. San was gone, had blocked his number, and had told him he didn‘t want to see him again.

And Seonghwa - Seonghwa had told him he loved him.

Hongjoong curled in on himself in pain, as he thought back to his expression as he had uttered these words. 

He had told him he loved him. And then he had taken it all away.

Because Hongjoong was not capable of being loved. He was only capable of destroying things, destroying everything good in his life and the life of the people around him.

But it turns out you are just an addict after all.

He was just an addict, and nothing more, and he would always be one.

A sob overcame him suddenly. Wrecking his whole body.

The shadows he had run from, they had finally caught up with him, and their claws had wrapped themselves tightly around Hongjoong, digging into his skin enough to draw blood.

And as he lay there, not knowing if it had been days that passed, or weeks, he knew he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t even know when he had last slept, the nights passing without him being able to close his eyes, because the nightmares that would follow were the only thing worse than his waking mind.

God, he needed something. Something to take the edge off. 

He needed venom.

But once again, he felt like he had felt all these years back, when his dealer had left him without supply. Cut off from the one thing he needed most.

Seonghwa would never give it to him. 

He was so desperate, he almost called Yeosang, but he knew that Seonghwa would have told him everything by now. And going to the club, to pick up a random vampire to give him what he needed, was impossible.

He couldn‘t even leave the house with how paranoid he was, let alone go to a club. And the thought alone of a stranger touching him like Seonghwa had touched him - it made him sick to his stomach.

So venom was out of the question.

But he needed something .

His mind went to the alcohol he had at home. Some beers, and a bottle of vodka.

But that wouldn‘t cut it. It was too slow, too dull. It would first make it hurt more , before it would eventually maybe help. 

No, he needed something stronger.

An old, familiar friend.

His hand shot up to cover the inside of his arm, where the old scars lay, just screaming to be opened up again. God, how good it would feel. How much easier it would make everything.

Only bliss. Paradise.

But he had been out of this world for so long - he didn‘t even know where to start, who to ask. Had no connections anymore, no one he could go to to get the supply he needed.

He pressed his fingernails into the scars until he broke the skin, the burn accommodated by another sob. Frustrated, crying as his mind came up blank.

And then it hit him.

Almost robotically he stood up from the bed, as if someone else was controlling his body, his hand still on his scars. 

He walked towards his desk and pulled out the drawer where he remembered putting the small paper.

He didn’t know why he hadn’t thrown it away the moment he had come out of the restaurant that day. It was as if a tiny voice in his head had told him to keep it. Just in case. It was just a harmless piece of paper after all, nothing more.

It was not as if he would ever call the number scribbled on it.

Yet here he stood, the paper in one hand, and his cracked phone in the other.

If you want to properly catch up again. Or ever need anything. Whatever it is, no strings attached, Chan‘s voice rang in his head as he looked at it.

And he knew it was futile fighting it any longer. 

So he sat down on his bed and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, stop crying so he would be able to speak.

His fingers were shaking as he typed in the number, digit by digit. Messing up over and over again as he was just shaking too much.

But eventually, he had typed it all out.

His finger was hovering over the call button.

He sent a silent apology, asking for forgiveness. From who, he wasn‘t quite sure. 

And then, right before he could press call, his phone vibrated in his hand.

Hongjoong almost dropped it in confusion as the screen lit up with an incoming call. And he almost dropped it again, when he saw the name on the display.

He immediately accepted the call.

„Sannie?“, he asked, pressing the phone to his ear.

The other side of the line was quiet for a moment, and Hongjoong feared the call had been by mistake.

But then he heard a rustling sound through the speaker.

„Hongjoong-hyung?“

He exhaled as he heard his voice. That voice that he had missed so much, that he had needed to hear so desperately.

„God, Sannie, it‘s really you“, he said, tears shooting into his eyes suddenly and making his throat close up. Long forgotten was his plan to call Chan. 

„Are you okay? Where are you? God, I‘m so sorry I can‘t even begin to tell you, please, let‘s talk about everything.“

It was quiet again, longer this time.

Hongjoong shifted in his seat. 

„San?“

More rustling, the connection not quite stable.

„Hyung, do you believe in paradise?“, San eventually said.

His voice was strangely quiet. Fragile, almost.

„What are you talking about? Where are you, San?“

He frowned, pressing the phone closer to his ear.

„I wanna believe in it“, he said, barely above a whisper. „I really do. Even if it’s all made up. It is still a nice thought to have, right? That there’s something better waiting?“

The words made Hongjoong‘s stomach sink. 

„San, you‘re really scaring me right now. I need to know if you‘re okay.“

Suddenly Hongjoong was hyper focused. There were no tears in his eyes. Even his hands had stopped trembling for maybe the first time in a week. 

„I will be, hyung. Don‘t worry. Please, promise me you won‘t worry about me, okay?“

He sounded urgent. It made alarm bells ring in Hongjoong‘s head.

„You need to tell me where you are. I will come and pick you up, okay Sannie? We‘ll go home.“

He was quiet again.

„I don‘t blame you for anything“, he said, and now it was clear he was crying. „Please, don‘t ever think I do. Don’t ever think I hate you. I could never, ever hate you, hyung, you know that right?“

Hongjoong shushed him through the phone, trying to calm him down as his sentences became more incoherent as he started crying. 

„Of course, Sannie. Of course, I know that.“

„I wanna tell Woo, too. Tell him how much he means to me. But I don‘t think I can call him right now. I wouldn‘t know what to say. How to say it.“

He took a deep breath to calm his voice.

„Can you please tell him, hyung? Can you let him know?“

Hongjoong shook his head, trying to make sense of what he was hearing. „I will come pick you up right now, and then you can tell him yourself, hm? How does that sound?“

He tried to sound happy, while on the inside he was breaking apart. 

And it was even worse when San didn‘t answer.

„We both thought we could make it, didn‘t we? Made it quite far too.“ He laughed, quietly. Painfully.

„San, please-“

„I’m so sorry I screamed at you. I should have helped you instead of blaming you. Tell me that you don’t hate me for it, please.“

Hongjoong shook his head, frozen in place.

„Of course not. Sannie, I could never hate you.“

A quiet sob at the other end of the line.

„Please, whatever happens - don‘t ever blame yourself, hyung. It would hurt too much if you thought any of this was your fault.“

„What are you talking about? Whatever you‘re about to do, don‘t. Wait for me, I‘ll come to get you.“

The connection was more unstable now, the rustling becoming louder.

„I‘ll hang up now, hyung.“

„Sannie, no-“

„Goodbye.“

With these words, the call ended.

And as Hongjoong sat there, staring at his phone, the world crumbled around him.

Chapter Text

It was raining as Hongjoong ran down the street that was only illuminated by the few flickering street lamps that were still working. The space in between them almost pitch black since the sun had set.

His shoes were soaking through where they met the cracked open concrete that hadn’t been repaired in years. At least not since the last and only time he had been here.

It had been raining, too, back then. 

It hadn‘t been more than a drizzle hitting the pavement under his and San‘s feet as they had stood here, on the opposite side of the street from the house with the dying apple tree.

Today, there was a downpour.

But Hongjoong didn‘t care, didn‘t care about the rain that plastered his hair to his forehead and had long turned his white shirt almost see-through where his thin jacket that he had haphazardly thrown on before dashing out the door didn‘t cover it.

He didn‘t care about the rain that ran down his cheeks, that maybe also had tears mixed into it, that he tried to ignore just as much.

Hongjoong checked his phone again, the droplets on the cracked screen making it hard to see anything. Thirty minutes had passed since the call. That‘s how long it had taken him to get from his apartment to the dodgy suburb he remembered visiting with San once.

He had tried to call him at least a dozen times while he had been on the bus, but to no avail. 

Hongjoong tucked his phone away, looking down the street in both directions as he kept running. 

God, what if he couldn‘t find the house anymore? What if he didn‘t remember the address correctly?

The thought made Hongjoong run faster.

„Hyung, I think I need to go back there. Just, one last time“, San had said, just a couple of weeks after they had left the facility.

„Why would you want to go back there? You know she‘s the reason you ended up here in the first place. Don‘t let her drag you back into it, not after you‘ve worked so hard to get back on your feet.“

„I know“, San had said, looking deflated. „I don’t wanna see her, I swear. I just - I think I need closure. I need to look at that house one last time and know that I‘m never going back again.“

When Hongjoong had hesitated, San had looked at him with these huge, kind eyes that were so, so much younger than he actually was. As if all these years he had lost didn‘t count for them. And there was something restless in them.

„Is that - is that stupid of me?“

Hongjoong had softened at that, as he always did when it came to San. And he shook his head, slowly reaching out and taking San‘s hand in his.

„No, it‘s not. Just - let me come with you. Please.“

San’s face had been unreadable as he had stood on the opposite side of the street from where the old, run down house lay with the yellow-tinted walls and the garage door that was more rust than metal. And the tree, that apple tree in front of the window that looked like it had seen its last days. 

It had rained and he had looked, just looked at it, for so long that Hongjoong grew concerned. His face a mask, not displaying at all what was going on in his head.

But then, eventually, he ripped his eyes away from the house and smiled at Hongjoong, the light that fought its way through the rain clouds making his hair look like a halo. And he seemed - lighter.

„Let‘s go“, he had simply said. 

„Are you ready? Did you get your closure?“

He nodded, smiling. „Yeah. I swear, I will never make you come here again.“

The memory of these words cut deep into Hongjoong‘s skin, as his feet met the same cracked concrete again, years later now. In the same rain.

And as he looked up from the cracks, he froze in his tracks. 

The yellow house. That was it.

The tree was still there somehow where the light emitting from the dirty windows hit it, as if trying to prove its resilience against its long-impending death. 

But there was no relief to the sight, just more anxiousness creeping up Hongjoong‘s neck. Because if San wasn‘t here - he had nowhere else to go. No way of finding him.

With a deep breath, he crossed the street, making his way through the line of cars that were parked in front of the house. 

Why the hell were so many cars here? He counted at least six of them, all old models with faded or scraped varnishes, barely holding themselves together, some only with tape.

When Hongjoong reached the front door and rang the doorbell, he noticed how much his hands were shaking, almost missing the button. Though he wasn’t sure if it was from the anxiety or the deep chill that was rattling his bones in the frigid night rain.

No one opened. 

He rang again, impatient.

Still, nothing.

Just as he was about to kick in the door if no one was to open it in the next five seconds, he noticed the noises, perking up.

It was music, dull, as if it was coming through a wall, and a mix of voices along with it. As he turned around, following the sound to the side of the house, it led him to the garage, the metal door even more rusty than all these years back.

There were definitely people behind it. And it sounded like some sort of party. 

Rage made its way up Hongjoong‘s body as his hands balled into fists, banging against the rusty metal so hard it scraped his skin.

„Open up!“, he shouted, and a second later, the door disappeared under his fist as the door flipped up.

A middle aged guy in dirty, ragged clothes blinked at him, disoriented.

„Huh?“

By the way he was holding onto the garage door for dear life and from the state of his pupils, it was clear he was high.

„Where‘s San?“, Hongjoong snapped, getting right to the point.

„Who‘s there?“, a female voice shouted from further into the room.

The guy almost toppled over. „Some drenched kid.“

„Well get him to close the fucking door, I‘m freezing!“, someone else shouted.

Hongjoong shoved the guy aside, making his way into the garage. The door fell shut behind him.

And the sight in front of him enraged him even more, if that was even possible.

There were at least a dozen people crammed into the space of the garage, illuminated by harsh neon light, crouching around a heater that was on the concrete floor. Some were sitting on camping stools, some lying on mats on the floor, and a couple of them looked to be sleeping - or passed out rather.

There were bottles of alcohol in between them, as well as a heavy smell of smoke permeating the air, making Hongjoong‘s eyes sting, along with the rap music coming out of a cheap set of speakers in the corner that was making his ears ring.

The few people who were coherent enough turned to look at him, eyeing him questioningly. 

„Who are you, kid?“, a woman said, her voice rough from what sounded like years of smoking, as she took a sip of beer from a can.

He crossed his arms. „Where is San?“, Hongjoong repeated.

The woman took a moment to register his words and then perked up. „Oh, are you a friend of my Sannie?“, she smiled. „He never brings any around. If I had known I would have - uhm - cleaned up a bit.“

As she slurred those words, Hongjoong tensed up. 

And when he looked at her properly, he could see it. Though it made him absolutely sick, he could see the resemblance, through the pale skin and puffy face and too-bony body he knew too well from all the addicts from his past.

She almost looked how San had looked back in the facility.

Hongjoong took a step towards her, rage spurring him on.

„You‘re San‘s mother?“

She seemed oblivious to his anger, smiling at him with a smile only someone high out of their mind could muster up. „Yes, Sannie is my baby. I‘m so glad to have him back, finally.“

„He‘s here?“

She nodded, looking around. „Uh, yeah, he should be here somewhere.“

„You need to tell me where, right now“, he snapped. 

She laughed, and some others did, too. „Come, sit down first and have a drink with us. Or something else - we have all kinds of stuff here to make you relax. You‘re looking way too tense.“

She handed him her own beer can, and Hongjoong saw red.

He slapped it away, the can hitting the wall and exploding upon impact. The sound of it made everyone in the room that was awake flinch, now finally giving him attention.

„I don‘t want your fucking beer. You will tell me right now where San is or I‘ll call the cops on you.“

San’s mother got up from her seat, slightly unsteady on her feet as she did so. 

„Woah, relax, will you. No cops in here.“

„Then tell me where I can find him.“

She shrugged, pointing towards a door behind her. „Went into the house a while ago. Said he wanted to go to the bathroom, but it‘s been a while, so he probably went to sleep or something.“

Hongjoong stepped up to her.

„Did he take something?“

„Like what?“

He buried his hands in his drenched hair in frustration, ripping at the roots. „I don‘t know! Anything! Did you give him any drugs?“

Her once friendly, dopey face, shifted into an angry one now, as if he had flipped a switch. 

„Are you implying I would give my own baby something like that? What kind of mother do you think I am?“, she screamed at him, poking him in the chest.

„I know exactly what kind of mother you are“, he spat at her, all the pent up rage from the years collecting at once. 

And when his eyes fell on her arm, he saw the fresh puncture wounds there. A sight he was much, much too familiar with.

When her eyes followed his and met her own arm, she snapped.

„You‘re getting out of my house right now. And don‘t you dare call the cops. He is safe here, with me!“

He took a step back, trying to stay calm. There was no use to this.

And then he pushed her aside, opening the door that led into the house.

She was right behind him, screaming at him while he tried to not trip on the bottles and garbage that were all over the floor in the narrow hallway.

He opened all the doors he passed, but to no avail. Until he came across a locked one, that had light coming out from under it.

„Leave my house right now“, San‘s mother shouted again, holding onto the wall so as to not fall over.

But Hongjoong drowned her out. He knew that San was in there. It was the last room. 

„San, open up, it‘s me, Hongjoong“, he said, knocking on the door.

No reaction.

„Sannie, let’s go home, please. Open up.“

Still, only deafening silence, and the music from the garage.

„If you don‘t open the door I will kick it in.“

„You will not kick in any doors in my house!“, his mother screamed, but Hongjoong ignored her, already drawing back and kicking at the door.

Fortunately it was old, fragile wood that was barely holding up anymore anyways. It quickly gave away under his weight, opening up to the sight of the dirty white tiles of a bathroom.

He rushed in, ignoring the screams of protest behind him.

The bathroom was old and as dirty as the rest of the house, the mirror above the sink broken and a lighter and spoon lying in it, tinted black with ruse - a sight that he tried his best to ignore as it made bile come up his throat.

But that was not what made Hongjoong‘s breath hitch and his knees give in.

Because in front of him, on the tiled floor, lay San.

He was unconscious, and pale as a sheet, the line between child and corpse long crossed. 

Hongjoong was frozen, not knowing what was happening in front of his eyes, until a rippling scream pulled him back into reality. It was San’s mother, behind him in the doorway.

„My baby!“

And Hongjoong could only stare. For a terrifying, horrid second as his knees hit the floor with a thud, he was fearing the worst.

But then he saw San‘s fingers twitch, as if electricity was running through them, and when he held his hand under his nose he felt a shallow, barely there breath. And that was all he needed.

„Sannie, please, wake up“, he begged, turning his face towards himself. But his eyelids only fluttered, not opening. 

„Please, what happened?“ His voice broke as he panickely ran his hands across his face and shoulders, shaking him. 

And then he saw the needle, still in his arm. And now the spoons and lighter in the sink made sense, did not belong to a random person anymore. But San - his Sannie.

His phone was on the floor next to him, as if it had slipped out of his hand, cracks along the screen.

And as he pulled the needle from the flesh, he couldn‘t deny the signs any longer. Knew them too well, remembered them vividly. Remembered seeing exactly this happen to one too many of the people he had surrounded himself with - faceless people whose names he had tried to forget as soon as they were gone, yet their fates had followed him in the form of nightmares. Sometimes they still did.

And worse - Hongjoong remembered how it had felt when it had happened to him.

„San, you‘re having an overdose“, he said. Not because San would be able to hear them, but because he had to say these words out loud to snap himself back into reality, to remind himself this was not a nightmare, but actually happening.

It was dead silent around them as he hoisted San‘s limp body up and against the wall, trying to stop his hands from shaking and his thoughts from running wild.

That was when Hongjoong noticed that San‘s mother had stopped screaming. And when he turned around he saw her crouched on the floor in the hallway, holding her legs to her chest and simply staring into the distance. As if she was a zombie - as if she wasn‘t even here at all anymore. 

He had to do this alone.

Hongjoong took a deep breath, trying to suppress the tears that were blurring his vision, along with the panic that made him shake.

He didn‘t have time for them. He needed to act now. 

„San, stay with me please“, he said, surprised at how calm and collected his voice was.

„I will get you out of here. You‘ll be okay, I swear. Don‘t give up on me.“

He brushed San’s hair, damp with cold sweat, out of his face, before dashing out of the bathroom.

He blindly picked up one of the car keys that lay on the kitchen table, probably belonging to one of the passed out guests in the garage, who were completely oblivious to what was going on in here.

And then he grabbed San under his arms, dragging his limp body out of the bathroom and out the front door.

He pressed on the key, and one of the cars lit up as its doors unlocked.

The rain was pouring down on them, drenching them, drowning them. But Hongjoong ignored it as he took all his strength to pull San onto the backseat of the old car.

And when he backed out of the driveway, he knew exactly where he had to go.

He had no other choice.

✦

They made a strange sight as they crossed the lobby of the high-rise apartment building - both of them drenched and in dirty clothes, Hongjoong shaking and panting, on the verge of tears as he tried to carry San‘s completely limp body on his back. 

He let out a sigh as he saw the receptionist wasn‘t there this time of the night, knowing she would have immediately kicked them out.

„Please, Sannie, we‘re almost there“, Hongjoong said, more to himself than to San, as he stepped into the elevator. His body almost slipped from his grip as his hands started to cramp, their wet clothes making it hard to grasp him properly.

At least he could still feel San‘s breath against his neck.

It was concerning how shallow and uneven it was, but at least it told him it wasn‘t too late.

„Come on“, Hongjoong murmured as he pressed the key card he still had in the pocket of his jacket against the panel at the side of the elevator, exhaling as it finally started moving.

By the time they made it to the top floor and to the apartment door, Hongjoong was sure he wouldn‘t have been able to take even one more step.

With his last strength, he took one hand off San’s body and rang the doorbell. Praying he would be home. Praying he was not at the club or at the clinic or anywhere else. And after a few aching moments, the door opened.

„Hongjoong? What-“

Seonghwa’s eyes were wide as he took a step back from the door.

And the sight of him, the sight of Seonghwa standing there, all in black and looking ethereal as ever, made something shoot into Hongjoong‘s chest. Though he wasn‘t sure if it was hurt or relief.

„Please“, Hongjoong said, his voice breaking as he almost toppled over, tears burning behind his eyes. „I didn‘t know where else to go.“

And then Seonghwa looked from him to San who was still slung over his back. And he stepped aside, letting Hongjoong stumble the last step into his apartment, the door falling closed behind him.

Just as he knew he was about to drop San, about to collapse on the floor, the weight of his body was suddenly gone from his back.

When he looked up, trying desperately to catch his breath, Seonghwa was holding San‘s limp body bridal style, quickly carrying him to the sofa and carefully laying him down.

„What happened to him?“, he said, his voice neutral and professional as he kneeled down on the floor next to the sofa, his fingers finding his wrist, pressing down to measure his pulse. Like a doctor in the emergency room. Without any emotion behind it, only the urgency to act.

„Is he alive?“, Hongjoong panicked.

He managed to take the last few steps towards the sofa, sinking down to the floor next to Seonghwa. 

He nodded. „His pulse is unstable and shallow but he‘s alive.“

Hongjoong exhaled, but his words only brought little relief, not when San was looking so fragile like this on the cushions of the sofa.

„What happened?“, Seonghwa repeated.

„He, San, he-“, Hongjoong tried to say but his words were interrupted by sobs that suddenly overcame him. He couldn‘t stop his hands from roaming San‘s body, clasping his wet shirt as if to make sure he was still there. „This is all my fault, all of it.“

„Hongjoong, breathe“, Seonghwa said sternly, without looking at him. „I need to know what is going on.“

„Overdose“, he managed to press out. „I found him with a - with a needle in his arm. I thought he was dead, God, I was so sure of it for a second.“

„What did he take and how much of it?“

San‘s body had taken on a strange color since he had last seen him properly in the light of the bathroom. His skin was pale, almost turning blueish, and when Hongjoong clasped his cold hand in between both of his, he saw the tips of his fingers had a purple tint to them.

God, that couldn‘t be a good sign.

And it was all Hongjoong‘s fault.

„Hongjoong!“, Seonghwa‘s voice ripped him out of his state, making him flinch. He had never heard him raise his voice against him like that. 

He blinked, disoriented. „Heroin, at least that‘s what it looked like. But I don‘t know how much, I didn‘t see, I-“

Another sob shook him.

„Please Seonghwa. Please tell me you can do something.“

And for the first time since he had opened the door for him, Seonghwa looked at him, their eyes meeting. Hongjoong saw hesitance in them. Doubt.

It was a punch in the gut.

„Why did you come here? Why didn‘t you take him to the hospital?“

Hongjoong shook his head. „I panicked. I couldn’t think of anything else, I just remembered what it was like when I overdosed and I had these horrible flashbacks the entire car ride here and - I could only think of you, could only think of the fact that I know if you saved me you’d be able to save him, too.“

Seonghwa‘s eyes were unreadable as he looked at San’s body, unmoving and unresponsive, and then back at Hongjoong.

And Hongjoong was terrified he would say no. Would tell him there was nothing he could do for them. Would send them back out into the downpour that would finally drown them.

Hongjoong‘s hands were shaking where they clasped San‘s.

„I‘m begging you“, he whispered, his tears blurring his vision. „I know you hate me, and I know that you never ever want to see me again after everything. And I swear, I‘ll - I will stay away from you, forever. But please.“

He took a deep, rattling breath. „I can‘t - I can‘t go on without him. If he-“

The rest of his words were swallowed by a sob, his throat constricting before he could get them out.

„You love him a lot, do you not?“

Seonghwa‘s tone was as unreadable as his face.

Hongjoong nodded, unable to use his words.

„I don‘t know what I would do without him“, he eventually managed to get out.

For a second there was conflict written all over Seonghwa‘s features. As if he was fighting with a truth that was ripping his world apart. And only now did Hongjoong notice how bad he looked. How rough.

It made him freeze.

Had he ever looked this drained before? Was this worse than back then, at the club, where he had almost collapsed in on himself because of his thirst? Hongjoong couldn‘t remember, and couldn’t explain how he had gotten to this state this quickly. It hadn‘t been that long since he had drank from him, right? Or had Hongjoong‘s world blurred so much that he had not noticed the passage of time?

But the way Seonghwa‘s skin was almost as pale as San‘s and the shadows under his eyes almost matched the color of his deep black irises made him look more dead than alive, and showed Hongjoong how much he was suffering. 

All because of Hongjoong.

San and Seonghwa, the two people he loved the most in this wretched world - they were both suffering because of him. Only because of him.

There was silence between them as Seonghwa visibly fought with himself.

„I can smell the poison in his blood, it is overpowering everything else. This is - I do not know if it is not too late.“

Hongjoong desperately shook his head. 

„Please. Please, try. I‘ll do anything.“

For a second, Seonghwa‘s gaze softened. 

And then he nodded.

„I will do everything I can.“

Hongjoong almost collapsed to the floor as he heard those words. But he didn‘t have any time for relief, because Seonghwa‘s hand clasped his shoulder, pressing down so he looked at him.

„Hongjoong, it is very, very important that you listen carefully to everything I tell you now.“

Hongjoong‘s eyes widened and he nodded.

„I will have to suck the toxins from his blood. I have a lot of experience with it, so I will be able to filter out the poison and let the clean blood circulate back into his body. But that will not be enough.“

He placed a hand on San‘s heart. „When I am done, you will need to get him to a hospital as quickly as possible so they can stabilize him. He will need a transfusion to make up for the blood loss that I cannot avoid.“

Hongjoong nodded as he spoke, desperately trying to retain all the information.

„Tell the nurses that and make sure to keep him breathing and his heart beating until they take over“, he said. „Did you get all of this? I will not be able to tell you again.“

Hongjoong frowned, confused at his words. „What - what do you mean by that?“

Silence, for a second.

Seonghwa only shook his head, and his lips suddenly curled up into a smile. Maybe the most pained smile Hongjoong had ever seen.

It showed resignation.

„There is something else you need to know. The most important thing of all“, he said, with that smile, that pained smile on his lips.

„What?“, Hongjoong whispered.

And then Seonghwa‘s hand wandered from his shoulder to cup his cheek, his thumb brushing over the skin damp with rain and tears.

„I wish things would have been different. I wish we would have had the time to talk things through. I wish we could have had a second chance. But since time has run out for us, it is necessary for me to say it like this.“

He swallowed, and their gazes met, intense, burning. „I need you to know that I have never stopped loving you. And I never will.“

And in the next moment, his fingers buried themselves in Hongjoong’s hair and he drew him into a kiss. Chaste, sweet. And achingly painful - almost like a farewell.

As they separated again, Hongjoong could only blink at him in confusion. His head spinning from the whiplash.

But he didn‘t have time to ask any of the questions that were burning on his tongue. Because a second later, Seonghwa ripped his gaze from Hongjoong‘s and took San‘s hand from his grip. And he buried his fangs in the flesh of his wrist.

The following minutes were maybe the worst minutes of Hongjoong‘s life. Worse than when his parents had kicked him out. Worse than when he had been stabbed. Worse than when he had overdosed.

Having to watch San‘s pale body as the blood was sucked out of him, and not knowing if he would make it or not, the seconds stretching into minutes stretching into eternity - it was torture.

When Seonghwa finally detached his fangs from his wrist, a bloody indent of his teeth now fresh on his translucent skin, Hongjoong held his breath.

And for a moment, for a terrifying moment, nothing happened.

Not even San’s chest was moving anymore.

But then, he coughed. And his chest rose as he drew in a rattling breath.

„Oh my God“, Hongjoong said, a mix between a sob and a laugh escaping his throat as he took San‘s face in his hands. He felt warmth in his cheeks, and a pulse under his fingertips where they brushed his neck.

His eyelids fluttered, but didn‘t open. But that was all he needed.

„He‘s alive Seonghwa. Oh my God. You did it. You actually did it.“

Hongjoong turned around to where Seonghwa was kneeling and drew him into a tight hug, pressing their bodies together as relief overcame him. Overwhelmed him, drenched him completely, like a downpour.

A laugh escaped him, a true, genuine laugh.

„He‘s alive, you did it.“

Seonghwa‘s hand came to rest at his hips, gently, the touch barely there.

„I am glad“, he whispered in his ear. It sounded weak, fragile. Almost as if he was crying. „I am glad I could do this for you, my love.“

And when Hongjoong moved back to see what was wrong, why he sounded like this - Seonghwa weakly smiled at him one last time, before his eyes fluttered closed. 

And then he collapsed in his arms, falling to the ground.

The laughter died in Hongjoong‘s throat.

„Seonghwa?“

He kneeled down next to him, cupping his cheek, shaking him to get a reaction, but he was unresponsive. And he looked even worse than before, if that was even possible.

„Seonghwa, what - wake up, come on.“

It was clear something was very, very wrong.

Immediately, Hongjoong pulled his phone from his pocket, his fingers finding Yeosang‘s contact on instinct.

„Hongjoong?“

„Yeosang, help me“, he breathed.

„Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?“

His voice was drowned out by the sound of a bass, making it clear he was at Utopia right now.

„It‘s Seonghwa. Something is wrong with him.“

He quickly told him everything that had happened, from San’s overdose to the instructions Seonghwa had given him, to how his body had collapsed in his arms as he had held him. Hongjoong tried to keep himself from stuttering, doing his best to stay coherent as his thoughts were running, but he found himself stumbling over the words, as trembles shook his body.

„Yeosang, what is happening to him?“, his words sounded desperate, and they were.

For the first time ever, he heard Yeosang release a string of curses.

„It‘s the toxins“, he said, his voice clearer now as if he had stepped outside, away from the sounds of the club, but trembling. „They sent him into a shock.“

„But they - they can‘t really hurt him, right?“, Hongjoong said. „I mean - he‘s a vampire, he’s immortal. He will wake up in a bit and be okay again, right?“

For a second, there was silence on the other side of the line.

„There are things that can even damage us so much that there is no recovery.“

Hongjoong froze. „What - what do you mean?“

„How did Seonghwa look before he cleaned San‘s blood?“

„He - he looked rough. He had been-“

„He had been starving himself?“

Hongjoong looked at his pale face, cold under his fingers. „Yes.“

Yeosang shakily exhaled. „That means he was completely drained and took on the toxins equivalent to an overdose. God, why would he do this? Why would he be so irrational?“

His words turned into a shout at the end and then there was the sound of a motor, as if he had gotten into a car.

Hongjoong swallowed, still unable to move.

„Because I asked him to“, he whispered. „I didn‘t - I didn‘t know.“

His eyes flickered back to San‘s body, where his chest was now rising and falling steadily.

„Hongjoong, you need to dilute the poison right now. Before it’s too late, every second counts. He needs clean blood in his system, as much as he can get“, Yeosang instructed him. „Go to his fridge and look for blood bags.“

Hongjoong nodded, forcing his aching body to stand up, his legs carrying him to the kitchen on autopilot.

When he opened the fridge, he was met with nothing.

„It‘s empty.“

„Keep looking.“

Out of panic he ripped open all of the cabinets, frantically searching for something, anything, but there was not a drop of blood in any of them.

„Yeosang, he doesn‘t have any bags here. We both know he hasn‘t had any in months.“

He let out a growl on the other side of the line, more aggressive than he had ever heard friendly, calm Yeosang be.

„Stay on the phone, I‘ll be there.“

„Utopia is on the other side of the city, there‘s not enough time.“

The sound of a car speeding up.

„It’s the only thing I can do!“, he shouted.

And then it suddenly all made sense to him. Why hadn‘t he seen the obvious solution all along?

„I‘ll do it“, he said. „I‘ll let him drink from me.“

„Hongjoong, don‘t“, Yeosang hissed. „He will take too much, this is suicide.“

Hongjoong had already crossed the room again, sinking on his knees next to Seonghwa‘s unconscious body. He cupped his face again.

„Seonghwa would never hurt me.“

It was the only truth in the world to him at that moment.

„Hongjoong, listen to me! This is not about him wanting or not wanting to hurt you. His body is in survival mode, he will physically be unable to stop once he bites down“, Yeosang said. „He’d be like a shark once it smells blood in the water. Do you have a death wish?“

Silence.

„Hongjoong?“

„Call an ambulance for San. I will make this right again, I swear“, he said. And before he could hear Yeosang’s response, he hung up.

Hongjoong checked on San again, making sure he was still breathing, still with him, praying he would stay stable long enough until the nurses or Yeosang got to him. And then, he turned and kneeled down next to Seonghwa again. 

He looked relaxed, almost how he had looked asleep next to Hongjoong. Back when everything had been okay.

Beautiful, even as he was dying.

He hadn‘t known he could die. Just as he hadn‘t known he could sleep. A thin line running between the two.

Hongjoong ran his finger along his lips and nudged his mouth open until his fangs lay bare. A stark white, and razor sharp at the edges.

Slowly, he pressed his finger against one of them, carefully first, and then with more pressure, until his skin broke and a bit of blood started pooling on it. He watched it, mesmerized, as it formed a droplet that ran down the tip - watched it as it fell onto Seonghwa‘s tongue.

And then, as if the taste of a drop alone had flicked a switch - his eyes flew open. A bright, scarlet red. More red than he had ever seen them, his animalistic side completely taking over, leaving nothing of the sweet, caring Seonghwa he knew. 

And he grabbed Hongjoong‘s wrist, janking it down almost painfully. And before Hongjoong knew it, he sank his fangs into the old scar there, a sharp pain shooting up his arm as he opened the skin and drank.

„There you go“, he whispered as the pain subsided into the sweet ache he knew and craved so much. „Take as much as you need.“

And he did. He drank and drank, draining the blood more quickly from his body than he had ever done before, in deep, desperate gulps. And that was when Hongjoong realized how tenderly he had always treated him, as if he would break apart under his touch - how much he must have held back every time he had drank from him.

Hongjoong almost started crying out of relief as a bit of color returned to his cheeks.

Seonghwa would be okay. He would make it. Him and San both.

They would be okay.

That was the last thing he remembered thinking, before his vision started blurring at the edges.

And then, the darkness took over.

✦

Hongjoong awoke to the beeping of a monitor and the smell of disinfectant, the deep ache of deja-vu in his bones.

It would have made him flinch, would have triggered his fight or flight response, too many memories attached to the burning scent and the sensation of a needle in his arm. But the feeling of fingers buried in his hair grounded him enough to know he was safe - softly, gently, brushing the strands out of his face.

When his eyes fluttered open, the first thing they saw, the first thing he could focus on through the blurriness in his vision, was Seonghwa.

He was sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed, leaned over Hongjoong‘s body with deep worry settled in those dark, kind eyes of his. The emotion so strong it seemed to drown them both, overwhelming in its intensity.

The stark neon lighting from above made him look otherworldly, and if the scent of disinfectant and the needle in his arm hadn‘t been signs enough for him that this was real, Hongjoong would have thought he had entered paradise.

„Thank God, you‘re awake“, Seonghwa whispered, his voice trembling. For a short moment, the fingers slipped from his hair to cup his cheek instead, a thumb brushing over his skin. But then, like a child that had been caught, Seonghwa quickly drew it back, straightening up with a cough.

And all of a sudden, his face was a mask. A statue. As if all the emotion his eyes had just held was gone with the snap of a finger. 

Seonghwa pressed a button next to the bed, leaning over to speak into the device.

„He is awake“, he simply said, his voice neutral.

Hongjoong pressed his eyes together to try and get rid of the blurriness, of how everything seemed to be spinning slowly around him. It helped, a bit, but it didn‘t help with how disoriented he was, how confused.

„Is San okay?“

It was the first question that burned on his mind, and the first he forced out his hoarse throat. He sounded like he had smoked a packet of cigarettes.

Seonghwa nodded. „He is. He woke up yesterday morning and is recovering quickly.“

That made Hongjoong exhale in relief. But it also added to his confusion.

„Yesterday morning?“, he frowned. „How long was I out?“

Seonghwa avoided his eyes. „Almost three days.“

Hongjoong tried to sit up at that, but the tubes in his arm made it difficult, so he just sank back into the cushions. „Three days? What happened?“

„How much can you remember?“

He shook his head, trying to scrape together his memories. „Not much after you bit down. Just, that you were starting to look better, and that I was so relieved. But then I suddenly got so dizzy and… yeah.“

Seonghwa was visibly clenching his jaw. He looked almost angry. But whatever he wanted to say, whatever he had on his lips, he kept it to himself.

„The nurses gave you a blood transfusion as soon as we got you here. It was just in time. They said you should have technically woken up not long after.“

Hongjoong blinked again.

„Why didn‘t I?“

Seonghwa pressed his lips together. „They said it was probably a trauma response. Your body shutting down from the anxiety and the distress your mind was put through, even after you were physically okay again.“

It sounded like a diagnosis. Impersonal. Distanced.

Hongjoong so desperately wanted him to talk to him normally - without this fake mask on. But Seonghwa still didn‘t look at him, simply staring at the white sheets of the bed.

„Please, Hwa“, he whispered. „Please look at me. Can we talk this through? I need to-“

„The nurse is here“, Seonghwa interrupted him, and a second later, a young woman in white scrubs entered the room. As soon as she did, Seonghwa got up from his chair and greeted her with a court nod, turning around to leave. As if he couldn‘t wait to get out.

„Seonghwa“, Hongjoong called out, and he hesitated. „Don‘t leave please.“

Maybe it was the vulnerability in his voice, almost quivering, but it made Seonghwa hesitate. 

„I just - need some fresh air.“

And then he left Hongjoong alone with the nurse.

She introduced herself to him, giving him a run down of what had happened during the time he had been asleep, and checking his vitals. When she adjusted his arm that still had a needle in it that attached him to a bag, he flinched, turning his head so he wouldn‘t have to look at it.

It made him want to rip it out.

„Is it“, he said with a shaking voice. „Is the needle still necessary?“

When he looked at her, her eyes were soft, almost pitying. If she understood his situation, if she was able to infer from seeing the scars, she didn‘t say. 

„I‘ll take it out in a minute, don‘t worry. You‘re stable enough“, she just said, and Hongjoong‘s chest filled with gratitude.

As she detached him from the bag and moved to take out the needle, she chatted with him, as if to distract him.

„Your boyfriend must love you a lot“, she said, smiling to herself as she worked.

The words were said in a cheery tone, but only made him feel empty. 

Hongjoong shook his head. „He‘s not - we‘re not. Together.“

„Does he know that?“

She chuckled, but Hongjoong was just confused.

„No seriously“, she continued. „I mean, must admit, I have never seen a vampire and a human together, but have also never seen someone be this protective over another person. And believe me, we get a lot here.“

Hongjoong frowned. „What do you mean by that?“

She pulled the needle from his arm and Hongjoong flinched. But the relief was also instant.

„He carried you in himself, refused to let anyone else touch you until you were in the emergency room. Even growled at one of the staffs who tried to take you from his arms, with these freaky red eyes.“ She laughed, shaking her head. „He apologized to my colleague profusely afterwards, but we all found it endearing. And since that, he hasn‘t left your side once, not even when we had to run checks on him too to make sure the poison in his body was diluted enough.“

The memories of Seonghwa passed out on the floor made guilt creep up his neck. He quickly blinked them away.

Hongjoong didn‘t quite know what to make of her comment. What to make of the knowledge of how Seonghwa had acted, protecting him. It didn‘t fit the mask of neutrality, the distance with which he had just treated him.

But thinking about it only made his head spin, so he changed the topic, asking about San instead.

„He is awake, just across the hallway. He‘s doing well but he is still weak and needs to stay for a couple of days longer - and his boyfriend might be the only one who can beat yours in terms of clinginess.“

„Can I see him?“, Hongjoong asked, perking up. „Please?“

She checked him again but eventually cleared him to go over and visit San, as long as he took it slow and only stayed for a couple of minutes in order to not overwhelm either of them.

When Hongjoong looked through the window in the door to the room, he saw the silhouettes of San and Wooyoung in bed together, cuddling as tightly as the tubes sticking out of San‘s arms allowed them.

„Are they allowed to do that?“, Hongjoong asked.

The nurse sighed. „We tried stopping them. It didn‘t work.“

She reminded him again that she would pick him up after ten minutes, leaving him to go in by himself.

When he stepped inside, he was greeted with a stern looking Yeosang, stepping in his way as if he was Wooyoung and San’s personal bodyguard with the job to let no one in - just to soften up and drop his facade the second his eyes met Hongjoong‘s, recognizing who was standing in front of him. 

„Hongjoong“, he exhaled, staring at him in disbelief for a second. „I thought I had smelled you but - I wasn‘t sure. The blood transfusions, you know?“

At that, Wooyoung perked up where he was laying, lifting his head from San‘s chest.

„Hongjoong-hyung is here?“, he screeched, much too loud for the somber atmosphere of the hospital room.

„He is?“, a more quiet, fragile sound came from San, and it made Hongjoong‘s heart ache.

Yeosang was still staring at him, and in the next second, he was pulled into a hug. 

„I am so glad to see you awake and well“, he said to him in a low voice. „It was a rather scary sight when I arrived at Seonghwa‘s apartment.“

Hongjoong hugged him back. „I‘m sorry“, he said. „I didn‘t listen to you.“

„It is okay. I should have known you would go this far for him. I am just glad Seonghwa knew when to stop, even when it still baffles me he was able to fight his instincts like this.“

Hongjoong had so many questions. But he didn’t get to ask any of them, because the second Yeosang released him from his soft embrace, he was yanked into another, less tender one, Wooyoung‘s arms pulling him so tight into his chest that it knocked the air out of his lungs.

„You fucking scared me, hyung“, he said, holding him tight. 

„Thank you for saving him“, he added, more quietly, as if he didn’t want San to hear him. „I don‘t - I wouldn‘t know what I would have done if you hadn't found him.“

Hongjoong just nodded. „Me neither.“

Wooyoung drew back, scanning him from head to toe as if to make sure he was actually okay.

„Tell me everything that happened. How did you know where to go? How did you get him to Seonghwa in time? How-“, he started his parade of questions. But thankfully, he was stopped by Yeosang‘s hand on his shoulder.

„Maybe we should save the interrogation for later“, he said in a calm tone. „I think the two of them need some time to talk through some things, right?“

Wooyoung glanced from Hongjoong to the bed, where San was. And reluctantly, he nodded.

„I‘m sorry about everything I said last time. It was emotional and unfair and - we‘ll talk about everything later, okay?“, Wooyoung said, and Hongjoong smiled at him encouragingly.

„It‘s okay, Woo.“

When they left the room, it was too quiet suddenly. Slowly, Hongjoong made his way over to the hospital bed, where San was laying and staring at Hongjoong with huge eyes. He sat down on the chair that was next to the bed, much like Seonghwa had sat next to him when he had awoken, and looked around the room - anywhere but at San.

Because looking at San hurt too much. Just the glimpse he had gotten of him had been too much - awake, alive, but so pale. So fragile, with tubes coming out of his arms and another one for breathing in his nose. 

It brought Hongjoong‘s mind right back to how he had looked lying on that bathroom floor, lying on Seonghwa‘s sofa, so close to being gone.

His eyes eventually fell on his bedside table.

„Gone with the Wind?“, he asked as he saw the book there.

And when he looked up at San, he nodded with a small smile on his lips. „Woo brought it for me. He thought it would give me some familiarity maybe. I‘ve actually been reading a lot  since I woke up. I don’t know why, but I can somehow finally focus on the story.“

Hongjoong returned the smile.

„That sounds great“, he said, placing a hand on San‘s, just to feel his warmth, just to banish the memories of his cold and clammy skin when he had last touched him.

„How are you feeling, Sannie?“

„I‘m good“, he said. „The nurses all treat me really well, and they even let Woo stay here even though he’s not officially family or anything.“

Hongjoong rubbed his thumb across the back of San’s hand. „That’s great.“

For a bit, they just looked at each other, their tentative smiles still on their lips, as no one seemed to want to break the silence. But then, for seemingly no reason and with no warning, San‘s smile twisted into a pained look.

And the next moment, he curled into himself, the tubes in his arms stretching as he started sobbing.

„Hyung, I‘m so, so sorry.“

„Shh, it‘s okay. You‘re okay“, Hongjoong hurried to say, freezing, overwhelmed by the sudden change of demeanor. 

„I didn‘t want to - I swear, I wasn‘t trying to - to take that much, that I would-“, his words were interrupted by a sob. „Please, believe me.“

Hongjoong took his hands in his, rubbing them, like he had when he had been lying on Seonghwa‘s sofa, dying.

„I believe you. Of course I do“, he assured him in a hushed tone, hating to see his pained expression, to see the sobs shaking his form.

San shook his head. 

„I just, couldn‘t do it anymore. I needed something to take the pain away, to stop these nightmares. So I stole some from my mom. She didn‘t give it to me, I just knew where she hid hers and - I used the amount I had back then, out of habit. I didn‘t even think, I should have known my body wouldn‘t be able to handle it anymore, but I. God, I must have scared you so much.“

Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he looked young. So, devastatingly young.

„I put you through so much pain. And Seonghwa, too - you both could have died. Just because I couldn‘t handle it anymore. Just because I was selfish and relapsed, and dragged you down with me.“

Hongjoong desperately wanted to draw him into a hug, but he was too scared to hurt him where he was connected to the monitors.

„San, don‘t say that. Please, that‘s not true.“

„It is though!“, he said. „We made a promise. We said we would never go back, that we would never relapse.“

Hongjoong shushed him, waiting until he had calmed down a bit, until he stopped sobbing uncontrollably. 

„None of it is your fault, none of it would have happened if I hadn‘t triggered you. I feel“ - he inhaled -  „I feel horrible about it.“

San shook his head. „No, don‘t say that. You - this would have happened sooner or later. I was just too weak, I have always been.“

„You are not weak.“

He frowned. „But I am. I felt it coming. I knew I was struggling and close to a relapse, and I didn’t tell anyone. Not you, not Wooyoung, no one. Instead I bottled it all up and blew up in your face when I found out about the venom.“

Hongjoong leaned closer to brush the hair out of his face. 

„You are not weak“, he repeated. „We both are not weak. We messed up, and we hurt each other in the process, but the important thing is that we get back on track, hm? And we can do it together. We‘ve done it before, haven‘t we?“

San had doubt in his eyes, looking so lost in that hospital bed.

„I don‘t know if I can. I don‘t know if I have another one in me, if I‘m not too broken.“

Hongjoong squeezed his hand.

„You‘re not broken. And you don’t have to do it alone. I think - I think we both need help.“

He shook his head, almost panicking. „I don’t want to go back to the facility. Please, don’t make me go back.“

„Shh“, he calmed him. „We won‘t go back there, I promise. But we can‘t do it all on our own again, it will only make us hurt more.“

„So what should we do?“

Hongjoong hesitated. „I don‘t know yet. But I will figure it out. And this time, it will be easier - we have a support system.“

He glanced through the glass of the door, behind which he could see the silhouettes of Wooyoung and Yeosang, trying to not look too suspicious as they were clearly watching the two of them.

San followed his eyes and what he saw put at least a tiny smile on his lips.

„The nurse called Wooyoung your boyfriend?“, Hongjoong changed the topic, raising an eyebrow.

The comment made San giggle, though it sounded strange through his still teary voice. „Yeah. He - he kind of confessed right after I woke up. There were a lot of ugly tears and way too many people in the room with us watching us kiss after, but I‘m glad he did.“

Hongjoong smiled at that. „So that makes it official?“

He nodded, looking shy but happy. „I know, we‘ve been dancing around the topic for a while. I was never ready.“

„I‘m happy for the two of you“, Hongjoong said, and he meant it. 

„And apparently you met Yeosang, too?“

San nodded and his eyes lit up at the mention of his name. „I did! He is here most the time, too, organizing everything with the doctors so Woo and I don’t have to. And - you were right. He‘s great. They both are. I get why you like them so much.“

The comment made Hongjoong freeze.

„Both?“, he asked tentatively. „You - you met Seonghwa?“

He laughed. „With the way he has been absolutely glued to your side, almost growling at everyone who comes too close to you, it was kind of hard to. But I managed to chat with him for a couple of minutes yesterday after I woke up. I wanted to thank him, for saving my life - especially after Yeosang told me how dangerous it was for him to do so.“

Hongjoong was quiet, the confusion making his head spin. 

I need you to know that I have never stopped loving you. And I never will.

If these words were true, if what San and the nurse had said was true, why had Seonghwa avoided him like this after he had woken up?

When he looked back at San, he seemed to be able to read his thoughts with how he looked at him.

„I think you need to go talk to him. You two need to figure things out.“

Hongjoong could only nod. Because he knew he was right - but that didn‘t change how terrified he was of what would await him once he went and faced him.

When his nurse brought him back to his room, Seonghwa was already there, sitting in his chair and staring at the white sheets of the bed, as if he had anticipated his return.

The short trip to San’s room had somehow exhausted Hongjoong, showing him he was still more fragile than he would have liked to be, and when his nurse moved to help him back into the bed, Seonghwa stood up.

„I will take it from here. Thank you“, he politely said, replacing her hand on Hongjoong’s waist with his own. She shot them a small smile before leaving them alone, shutting the door behind her as she did so.

Seonghwa‘s gentle touch on his waist as he helped him into the bed burned through the layers of fabric and it made Hongjoong blush as he suppressed the urge to draw him closer, to feel him pressed against his body just like Wooyoung and San had been.

But as soon as he was settled back into bed, his back resting against the pillows stacked against the headboard, Seonghwa‘s hands left Hongjoong‘s body again. 

And Seonghwa returned to his distanced self, only staring at the sheets, and not at Hongjoong, as a heavy silence fell around them. It was drowning him more than the downpour had.

„Hwa, please talk to me“, Hongjoong pressed out after it got too much.

He still only stared at the bed, his shoulders tense.

„Please, I need us to be okay.“

Seonghwa stayed like this - a statue.

„You could have died, Hongjoong“, he finally said. „I could have killed you.“

Hongjoong could only blink.

„I knew you would stop.“

„What if I hadn‘t?“, he snapped. „When I came back to myself and saw how far I had gone, I was absolutely terrified. I was sure, for a terrifying moment I was so sure that I had killed you. And I could have never lived with myself again if I had. Do you know that? Do you know what that would have done to me?“

The sudden outburst after so much silence had Hongjoong taken aback. As Seonghwa spoke, his voice quivered - fragile, broken. And when he finally looked up, his eyes meeting Hongjoong‘s, there were tears in them.

It was a dagger in his chest, turning slowly to cut his flesh.

„Why?“, he could only whisper. „I‘m just - me.“

„Did you not listen to a word I said? Do you really not see the way I look at you?“

Seonghwa laughed, but it was full of pain, looking up as if he was trying to not let his tears fall.

„I am so deeply in love with you, Hongjoong. I don‘t think I have ever loved someone like this, in all my time being alive.“

Hongjoong didn‘t know what to say for a moment. Didn‘t let himself believe it.

„Even after everything?“

They were just mayflies to them. Here and then gone again. That‘s how it had always been, that was the truth he had accepted as universal.

Yet somehow, Seonghwa nodded. „How could I not?“

Silence, again.

„Why did you do it, if you knew what would happen to you?“, Hongjoong said to break it. „You - you didn’t even really know San. He is no one to you.“

„You love him. That is all that matters.“

Hongjoong frowned, confused.

„But - why didn‘t you tell me? If you knew what it meant for you, that by saving San you were sacrificing yourself - why didn‘t you tell me?“

Seonghwa looked at him, a pained smile on his lips. 

„Because in telling you I would have made you choose. And forcing you to make that decision - it just would have been too cruel.“

Hongjoong opened his mouth in protest, but then slowly closed it again. Because he thought about it - how could he have ever made a choice? How could he have kneeled there on the apartment floor and looked at the two people he loved the most and known that he had to decide who would live and who would die? That he had the power to save San, but only by telling Seonghwa he had to die.

Just the thought ripped him apart.

„I will never be able to repay you for this“, Hongjoong said. „Especially after I hurt you so much, after letting my addiction get out of hand and make me use you for - for a high. I‘m so - God, I‘m so sorry, Hwa.“

He shushed him, gently placing a hand on his, rubbing circles in his skin. 

„Do not apologize, for it is not your fault. I should have known better. I should have never let us become this close and saved you this pain.“

Hongjoong turned his hand around, the one with the still almost fresh looking bite wound on its wrist, and interlaced their fingers.

„I would go through it all again in a heartbeat if it meant being with you.“

Seonghwa sighed, and slowly retracted his hand, leaving Hongjoong‘s cold and empty.

„And that is exactly why this has to end here.“

Hongjoong froze, the words not registering with him for a moment. 

„What - what do you mean?“

„Hongjoong, I was the reason you turned back to addiction after having been free from it for so long.“

Hongjoong reached out to him again, to interlace their fingers again, but he was out of reach. „We can be different. We will just be more careful.“

Seonghwa shook his head. „I cannot endanger you any further. Being around me right now - it means we will just start using each other again. It is inevitable. And I cannot start using you again, just as much as I cannot let you use me.“ 

Hongjoong‘s eyes grew hot with the familiar feeling of tears. „But - I love you, Hwa“, he said. „I don‘t want things to change. I want to be with you.“

Seonghwa looked at his hands that were now folded in his lap. His face expressed conflict.

„I want to be selfish, so desperately“, he said slowly. „I want nothing more than to say yes and be with you. But I can‘t. Not when deep down I will never be sure if you love me for me or for the poison I have been willing to give you.“

It was a punch in the gut, his words. Especially because Hongjoong knew he deserved them, that they were all true.

„You don‘t believe me?“, he said.

Seonghwa frowned. „It is not that. Everything between us, it has just become too convoluted. I do not know where your love for me ends and the one for the venom begins, just as much as I do not know where my love for you ends and my desire for your blood begins. It all became too entwined, we let it grow too messy too fast.“

Hongjoong blinked, wishing the tears away that began collecting in his eyes.

„So what does that mean for us?“, he said. „Does that mean we can never be together again? That this is a farewell?“

Seonghwa shook his head. „I do not think I could ever be strong enough to stay away from you forever. But I do think we need some time apart. To heal. To give us time to figure out what we want, and what we really feel.“

For a moment, Hongjoong let the words sink in. Tried to ignore how much they clawed at his skin, the thought alone that he would not leave this hospital with Seonghwa at his side making him feel a kind of desperation he had not known he was capable of.

But he also knew that Seonghwa was right. If they just continued like they had been, ignoring what had happened, they would just continue down the same spiral they had been stuck in.

So Hongjoong pressed his lips together and nodded. And he knew what to do.

„I will work on myself“, he said. „I swear. Sannie and I - we will go to therapy. We will both get help. And I will work things out, I will get better.“

He hesitated. „But - I‘m also scared.“

Seonghwa nodded. „I understand. Getting help, it is a scary thing.“

„No. I am not scared of that“, he said. „I am scared that when I am ready, you will be gone. That right now I am letting my only chance to be with you slip through my fingers.“

At that, Seonghwa leaned in closer again, brushing his hair out of his face, stopping briefly to caress his cheek as he looked into his eyes, with so much tenderness in his. And then, he took his hand again.

„I will always be waiting“, he whispered. „When you are ready, say the word, and I will be right here.“

„You will be?“

He nodded. „I swear it to you, my love.“

And then he placed a kiss on the back of his hand. Tender, soft. It felt like a farewell. But it also felt like a promise.

✦

Hongjoong‘s hands were trembling where they clutched his index cards as he stepped behind the podium in front of the large lecture hall.

He could feel countless pairs of eyes on him, towering above him in the ranks, more students than he had ever seen attend this class. Every spot was full, and some who hadn’t arrived early enough to get a seat were even sitting on the stairs that led down the side of the hall. 

As if the entire university had heard the rumors that today was the day. The day everyone‘s curiosity would finally be quenched.

„Are you sure you are ready to do this?“, his professor had asked him when he had come back to class after getting discharged again. „I have the letter from the hospital, it is reason enough to give you an extension if you need one.“

He had shaken his head. „Thank you, professor, but no. I need to do this. I have something to say.“

He set his index cards down on the table in front of him, noticing the chill that ran down his arms. It was cold today, as winter was finally upon them, but he was still wearing a t-shirt, as if to tell the world: here, look at me. Look at my scars, look all you want, and ask the questions that are burning on your tongue. I am not scared of them anymore. I will answer them all.

He cleared his throat, and when he looked up, all eyes were glued to him, complete and utter silence in the room.

„Hello everyone“, he started. „You might know me already, or you might have heard of me. My name is Kim Hongjoong, and I have been an addict since I was a teenager.“

Immediately, some students started talking in hushed voices, the surprise at his blatant honesty audible in the hall. 

He read these first words from the cards in front of him, even though he knew them by heart by now. They were like an anchor for him.

„And I know what you all expect. I know my reputation at this university, and I know what you came here to hear - how I got to the point that I had to go to rehab. The deep dark secrets of being an addict. What it is like inside one of these facilities, and how it saved my life.“

He looked up from the cards, putting them aside. 

„But I have to disappoint you, if that is what you came here for.“

Another round of murmurs, louder this time, until someone shushed them.

„Because rehab - it was a step in my life that brought me towards where I am today, yes. But it is not what saved me.“ 

He shook his head. „No, there is something - or rather someone else I owe my life to, who saved me not only once, but twice. Once by saving my life, and the second time by making me live again. And today, I am here to tell you that story.“

✦

The biting scent of disinfectant filled Hongjoong with a sense of calmness.

It was strange, seeing the clinic like this - nothing like the mostly empty waiting room and barely occupied beds he had come across when he had first come here. 

And definitely nothing like the fully abandoned halls he had become familiar with recently, when he secretly had started to come here during closing hours, to meet up with Yeosang.

Today, it was a stark contrast to this - full of life, with people even standing in the waiting room to be called in, as all chairs were occupied, and busy looking staff running around with their hands full of files and equipment, rushing to accommodate everyone.

As Hongjoong walked inside the hall and looked around, he saw a couple of new faces - nurses he hadn‘t seen before, staff that seemed unfamiliar and had probably been hired in the last months to make up for the new demand. It made him feel warm and content, seeing the clinic like this. 

So alive.

And as his eyes wandered around the room, searching, he finally found what he had been looking for, stopping in his tracks with a smile.

Seonghwa was talking to a staff member, his brows drawn together as he pointed out something in a file to her, concentrated on his work. 

Seeing him like this, for the first time since the hospital, it made his knees weak, as he suppressed the urge to simply run to him and draw him into an embrace.

But Hongjoong knew he couldn’t allow himself that.

So he just looked at him for a bit, from a safe distance, as Seonghwa helped the staff, completely focused and professional, oblivious to Hongjoong‘s presence.

After a few moments, someone stepped up to him, a girl he somewhat recognized.

„Hello, thank you for deciding to donate“, she greeted him, looking stressed, but healthy, without any shadows under her eyes. „We have a bit of a waiting time at the moment unfortunately though, so I would have to ask you to take a seat in the waiting room.“

Hongjoong smiled at her. „Actually I just came here to see if-“

And as Hongjoong looked past her, to where Seonghwa was standing, he saw him perk up. His gaze left the file the girl had been showing him and looked around the room, searching. 

And finally, met Hongjoong‘s.

As it did, the world seemed to freeze for a second. The busy room around them coming to a standstill, as if someone had hit a pause button.

„Hongjoong“, he saw him mouth, his eyes growing wide as he pressed the file back into the girl’s hand and rushed over to where Hongjoong was standing.

„Thank you Yeji, I got this“, he said, touching her shoulder as he squeezed past her, and she nodded, turning around to go back to work.

And then he stopped, a few feet away from him, as if he was scared to come too close.

For a bit, they just looked at each other, no one daring to say a word as the world continued rushing around them. Not daring to speak, not after all these weeks, that had blurred into months, each day of them filled with longing for this moment.

Hongjoong took his time to really take in the details of Seonghwa’s face, as if he would never have the chance again, noticing how much he had missed it. 

His huge, kind eyes. The way his hair was slicked back, but how a few strands always managed to sneak out and fall into his face. How delicate his features were, so beautiful they were almost intimidating.

And his skin - it was pale, but had a rosy tint to it. Healthy, without any shadows under his eyes. 

„Hongjoong“, Seonghwa said again. „I didn‘t expect to see you here today.“

„Is this a bad moment? I can come back another time if-“

„No!“, he hurried to say. „Not at all. Can we just-“

He pointed behind himself, in the direction of the hallway where the offices were.

Hongjoong nodded, following him as he led them to a less busy area of the clinic.

When they were finally alone, Seonghwa turned around with a sigh to look at Hongjoong, surprise still evident on his features.

„You came back.“ It sounded hopeful.

„I did“, he said. „It‘s good to see this place so lively.“

Seonghwa smiled, his gaze softening. 

„I have wanted to thank you for a while now, but I was not sure how.“ 

He shook his head. „I know that this is your doing, though I am not quite sure how you did it.“

Hongjoong raised an eyebrow.  „How did you know?“

„One day, a lot of students suddenly started to come in to donate. And they all spoke of you - they still do. They say you are the reason they decided to come in, that something you told them inspired them to do so.“

Hongjoong shrugged, leaning against the wall of the hallway. „I just gave them a little nudge in the right direction. Curiosity makes word of mouth travel fast. This time it seems to have worked in our favor.“

Seonghwa frowned, seemingly trying to decipher his words, but then gave up.

„No matter what you did - I cannot thank you enough.“

His words were heavy with gratitude, but Hongjoong could just shake his head. „It was the least I could do. Give back. Maybe now, I have finally somewhat done it. Maybe I can finally cross it off my list for good.“

Seonghwa didn‘t answer. Instead, he looked at him again, his eyes trailing up and down Hongjoong‘s form as if he was carefully trying to take him in.

„You - you look great, Hongjoong“, he breathed eventually, and the cleared his throat, as if to cover up how genuine it had sounded.

It made him smile. 

„You do, too“, Hongjoong said, noting his rosy cheeks again. „You look - alive.“

Seonghwa‘s eyes dipped to his neck, resting there for a moment too long, before he ripped them away, even the hint of a blush forming on his face. 

„Ah“, he said, rubbing his neck. „That is another thing I should probably be thanking you for.“

Hongjoong smiled. „You noticed?“

Seonghwa let out a laugh, shaking his head. „How could I not recognize that taste? Even in the form of a blood bag - nothing has ever tasted more divine to me than you, Kim Hongjoong.“

Hongjoong blushed at the remark. 

„So Yeosang did not get into trouble for letting me coax him into my little plan of not letting you starve yourself?“, he joked.

„Oh I definitely scolded him for it the first couple of times he planted the bags in my fridge. But turns out I am weak and self-indulgent and give into desire a bit too easily.“

It made Hongjoong chuckle.

„You and me both“, he laughed.

„Though it also helped me realize something else“, Seonghwa added, taking a step closer.

Hongjoong looked up at him, the sudden proximity making him want to reach out and touch him. „What did you realize?“

„That though I might love the taste of your blood - it makes me feel rather empty, knowing my true desire is for something else entirely. And that the thing that actually makes me feel alive is not the blood running through my veins, or the rush its taste can give me.“

For a second, Hongjoong was almost sure Seonghwa would lean in to kiss him, or to let his teeth graze his neck - but he only tilted his head and inhaled, before leaning back again, sending him a pained smile. 

Silence, for a moment.

„So - Yeosang says you are doing well?“, Seonghwa asked after a while.

Ever since the hospital, Hongjoong had been seeing Yeosang a lot. Not only when he came here to donate blood for Seonghwa. 

He was at San‘s and Wooyoungs apartment more often than Hongjoong was these days. The two of them were technically in their honeymoon phase, now officially boyfriends after dancing around one another for so long, and Hongjoong had thought giving them space to finally explore their twosomeness was what they needed. 

Yet somehow, Yeosang seemed to be an exception, slotting himself perfectly in their relationship dynamic. He still drank from Wooyoung and had quickly become heavily protective over San. 

And he was maybe the reason they had finally adopted Byeol as their proper housecat, having fallen in love with her the first time San had taken him with him as he had gone to feed the stray cats, and then frantically looking for loopholes in their apartment contract that would allow for pets.

Whatever they had - it worked.

And watching the three of them, it was endearing. But it still made Hongjoong‘s heart ache sometimes. 

„I am“, Hongjoong answered. „Or at least I am getting better. It‘s not easy but - I kept my promise. San and I, we are both back in therapy. No more relapses. And it helped me work through some things that I had tried to bury in the past.“

Seonghwa smiled at him.

„I am glad to hear that. You - you deserve closure. You deserve to be at peace with yourself.“

Hongjoong nodded. Though it was painful, ripping open old scars, scars that had so much pain buried under them, closed away and forgotten. But he knew his fair share about scars by now.

Sometimes, when he stood in front of the mirror, he still longingly traced the ones along his neck.

„I even - I reached out to my parents. I wanted them to know I was still alive.“

Seonghwa‘s eyes widened. „You did?“

„It was tough. They were pretty overwhelmed. I mean, who wouldn’t be, after learning your son you had thought to be dead for years was still around, and living in your city.“ He shook his head at the memory of the phone call. „And when I told them I was sober again, they wanted to meet up. They wanted me to be back in their lives.“

Seonghwa stepped closer, bringing his hands up to brush a strand of hair out of Hongjoong‘s face and the touch brought so much familiarity to Hongjoong that he almost sighed, leaning into it instinctively.

„What answer did you give them?“

„I said no. I can’t - can’t pretend like we can ever be a happy family again. Not after what they did to me back then. But still-“, he exhaled, „they deserved the same closure as I did.“

Seonghwa‘s fingers buried themselves in Hongjoong‘s hair, gently holding him, as if he wasn‘t ready to let go just yet.

„That is very brave of you. Not many would be strong enough to do so. I am proud of you.“

Hongjoong nodded. Because he knew he could be proud of himself as well.

„I have done a lot of thinking“, he said, slowly, carefully. „About who I am. And about what I want. About who the people are that mean something to me, that make me happy.“

He looked up at Seonghwa, who was looking at him carefully, listening to every word.

„And what conclusion did you come to?“, he asked.

Hongjoong inhaled.

„Are you still waiting, Seoghwa? Have you ever stopped waiting for me?“

And then, slowly, Seonghwa closed his eyes and let his forehead touch Hongjoong‘s, leaning against each other, breathing the same air. Hongjoong let his eyes fall shut as well, indulging in the tenderness of the moment.

„How could I ever have stopped waiting for you“, he whispered, his words breath in the air between them. 

„I missed you, my dear“, Seonghwa said, and his other hand came to rest on Hongjoong’s hip, as he gently pressed Hongjoong against the wall, caging him in. 

„I tried not to allow myself to miss you, tried to tell myself this was the right thing to do - but as soon as you stepped through the door and my eyes met yours, I realized how much my heart had ached to have you again. Like this“

His fingers buried themselves deeper in Hongjoong‘s hair.

„Seonghwa?“, he breathed.

„Yes?“

„Can we start again?“, he asked, his voice fragile. „Can we pretend we never hurt each other? That we never destroyed each other?“

Seonghwa slowly shook his head as he leaned against Hongjoong.

„I cannot pretend, just like you cannot wish away scars that have already been cut.“

He leaned back, and for a second, Hongjoong felt lost, defeated. Bracing himself for a rejection. But then, Seonghwa smiled at him, so tenderly, with so much love in his eyes.

„But I am willing to make things right again“, he said. „And I can promise I will do everything I can to make sure we never hurt each other like this again.“

And in that moment, Hongjoong swore he would have cried, if it hadn’t been for Seonghwa’s chest that he quickly buried his face into before the tears could spill.

Holding him close, because he could.

And when he drew back again, Seonghwa placed a finger on his chin, tilting his head up so they could look at each other.

„How selfish would it be to ask you to kiss me right now?“, Hongjoong asked.

„Just as selfish as it would be for me to say yes.“ He brushed a thumb across his bottom lip. „Thank God I am bad at keeping my resolves when I am around you, my love.“

And then, he closed the gap between them.

No trace of copper on his lips. Only love.

✦        ✦        ✦

Hongjoong knew he should have been nervous. He knew this was a big step that they had thought about and discussed for months now. He should have been terrified, but somehow a deep calmness had settled into his bones and made a home there. When he looked at his hands, they were still. No tremors making them tremble - they hadn‘t in a while now. 

„Are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure you are ready?“, Seonghwa whispered.

He looked at him with wide eyes where he was hovering over him as they were lying in bed together, his thumbs rubbing circles into Hongjoong’s waist where he was holding him down, keeping him close, keeping him safe. 

And Hongjoong smiled at him, nodding.

„My therapist said it was the next step. That I am ready to - to allow myself this. To allow myself to be close to you.“

He ran his hands up and down Seonghwa‘s arms as if to calm him.

Seonghwa bit his lip. „There are other ways you can be close to me. I have told you before, it can wait. I will love you, even if it never happens again, even if we stay exactly how we are.“

They had found a peaceful equilibrium in the last months. Taking it slow, step by step. Dancing around each other and the hurt that lay between them in the form of lines that had once been crossed too quickly. Opening up old scars so they could heal properly, instead of covering them up with fabric and lies.

And they had found a way of being together, without destroying each other. 

It all felt perfect - when they stood on Seonghwa‘s balcony, overlooking the lights of the city and sharing their worries, and their hopes, and their thoughts on life. When they lay in bed together, kissing. When they touched each other, skin on skin, nothing separating them, until the pleasure made them both see stars. When they fell asleep next to each other, knowing they would awake just the same.

But there was still something that was missing.

A deep ache when Hongjoong looked at Seonghwa taking sips from his wine glass that he knew was filled with his own blood that he regularly donated at the bank, just for him. An ache - not for the venom to fill his veins and take his pain away. 

He had learned to rid himself of that pain without the venom. He didn‘t need it anymore.

But an ache for that one last boundary to fall. The knowledge that they would never truly be okay if they still had this between them. That there was a line he felt like he could never allow himself to cross again.

„I know“, Hongjoong said. „You’ve never made me doubt that, ever. But I - I don‘t want to have to hold myself back anymore.“

Seonghwa looked so kind, and so unbelievably beautiful in the moonlight that fell through the glass walls of his apartment. Touching Hongjoong as if he was the most precious thing on this earth. 

„Are you absolutely sure?“, Seonghwa insisted. „Do you actually feel ready? This is a big step.“

Hongjoong nodded. „We’ve talked this through so many times. I have the clearance as long as we start off slow - and I promise, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t want to.“

Hongjoong put all his dedication into his words, but Seonghwa‘s eyes still carried worry in them.

„Do you not want this?“, Hongjoong said, frowning.

Seonghwa immediately shook his head, grasping his waist tighter. „God, I do. So much. But I am scared.“

„Scared?“

He exhaled. „I never want to see you hurting again. I never want to be the cause again of you throwing your life away, in the search for a shortcut to heaven. Not when you have worked so hard to get to where you are.“

Hongjoong smiled up at him.

„Why would I ever be looking for a shortcut to heaven, when I can take the slow path instead - with you?“

Seonghwa took one hand off his hips to brush a strand of hair out of his face at that. And then he slowly leaned down to place a chaste kiss on his lips.

„You would be willing to do that?“, he breathed, only drawing back enough to be able to look deep into Hongjoong‘s eyes. „Even if it might take an eternity - even if we might never get there at all?“

Hongjoong cupped his cheek, smiling up at him. „That is the only way I would want to spend eternity. Paradise can wait.“

And then, the last worry seemed to finally fall off Seonghwa’s body, as his lips twitched up into a soft, caring smile.

He leaned down again and they kissed, properly this time. Their lips moving together calmly, their hands roaming each other’s bodies, as if they had all the time in the world. Because they did. 

They interlaced their fingers, Seonghwa placing them above Hongjoong‘s head so he would arch his back, and then leaned down so their chests touched. Pressing him into the mattress so there was nothing around Hongjoong anymore but Seonghwa, his presence the only thing he knew, the only thing that mattered anymore.

A kiss on his lips. A kiss on his jaw. And finally, a kiss on his neck, that made a gasp and a breathed please escape Hongjoong‘s mouth.

As Seonghwa‘s lips moved down, they brushed his pulse point, hesitating there. Something he hadn’t allowed himself to do ever since everything had happened.

A silent question. 

Hongjoong instinctively let his head fall to the side, exposing his throat to give him access.

A silent answer.

„I love you, Kim Hongjoong“, Seonghwa whispered into his pulse point.

I love you too. So, so much.

The words were lost in Hongjoong‘s throat, lost in the air between them, as Seonghwa placed another open mouthed kiss there.

And then his fangs sank into his skin - not deep and bruising, but tender and caring. As if he desperately tried not to hurt him as he drank from him. Only a bit, only for a few moments, burying his face in his neck, as a deep sigh escaped Hongjoong. Their bodies slotting together as if they were one, as if the last line that had separated them had finally been crossed.

He felt the venom in his veins, but it held nothing of the heat and flames that Hongjoong remembered. Nothing of the desperation. Only love.

And when Seonghwa drew back, Hongjoong buried his hands in his hair, pulling him down into a searing kiss. Not because he needed to, but because he wanted to.

And when his lips met Seonghwa‘s, they tasted of paradise.  

✦         ✦         ✦