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“I don’t want to go to Woody’s,” they said.
“Woody’s is all bachelorette parties and straight dudes trying to hit on bridesmaids,” they objected
“If you want to go dancing we can go to Tavern - upstairs Tavern is gonna be packed tonight,” they bargained.
“Or Voyeur,” someone suggests. (“It’s like ten o’clock - you don’t go to Voyeur at ten o’clock, you go as a drunk mistake at two AM.”)
“Woody’s is basically a gay-themed straight bar,” everyone agrees.
It's a warm summer's evening in the City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection. The party has gone on for several hours and The Door by the Ark plays in the background, carrying across the rooftop and into the neighborhood below.
Darcy stands up on a rickety chair on the roof deck of her and Tara’s factory loft in Callowhill, gesturing for everybody to be quiet with a screwdriver (really more straight vodka garnished with a splash of orange juice) in her hand.. She wears a sash that has BIRTHDAY GIRL written across it and a tiara with a “31” on it. Next to her a swaying David has been forced to wear an identical sash, while his tiara says “35.”
“WE’RE GOING TO WOODY’S!” she shouts. Everyone quiets down.
“I know what you’re all thinking!” she continues, “And, yes, the straights have taken our place! Woody’s is overrun, my people! My Gays!” Charlie, James, Daniel, Aled, Sunil, and Danny all let out a cheer.
“My absolute lesbians!” Tara, Raine, Becky, Pip, and a few others join in.
“My pansexuals!” Imogen, Sai, Michael, Melanie, Rooney.
“My beloved bisexuals!” Nick, David, Olly, Christian, Frances, Matt.
“My trans and nonbinary folx!” Elle, Aled, Callum, Ryder, and a few others.
“My acespec folx!” Aled, Isaac, Nick, Georgia, Jason, Sunil all cheer. Tori simply sips from a lemon-flavored White Claw.
“And Tao!” Tao looks around looking confused.
“WE ARE TAKING BACK OUR SPACE, PEOPLE!”
Everyone cheers.
“We are going to Woody’s! And there are gonna be bachelorette parties there! And there are gonna be straight guys there! And the gays are gonna flirt with the straight guys! And my lovely lesbians are gonna flirt with the bridesmaids! And they will TREMBLE BEFORE OUR POWER!”
The cheer is cacophonous, and it nearly drowns out the neighbor from downstairs poking his had out the window and shouting up “Shut the fuck up! It’s ten at fucking night!”
***
It had started several hours earlier. As a matter of coincidence, Darcy and David’s birthdays fell in the same week. Darcy would be turning 31 and David, newly out as bisexual and dating Oliver, a rising senior at Temple University, would be turning 35. When Nick brought this fact up, and mentioned that David and Olly were going to be having a quiet evening together, Darcy immediately decided that this simply wouldn’t do and called up David. A few back-and-forths later, along with the promise of free alcohol, and David agreed. Olly had just turned 21 in May, so she also decided they’d go to Woody’s afterwards.
David arrived with Olly an hour after everyone else had already arrived - and Darcy had indeed invited pretty much everybody.
Olly had chosen high-waisted charcoal pants and a black shirt tightly cinched around his narrow waist, along with round-rimmed glasses that complemented his dark curls. His cinnamon Puerto Rican complexion was sun-kissed in the August evening light. David…
“Is that a romper?” Olly’s roommate Oscar asked with amusement. It was powder blue and very tight and showed off David’s ass very prominently.
"Yeah," David snapped irritably, "I'm wearin' a fuckin' romper. Olly got it for me."
"Does that even fit?" Oscar asked.
"Yeah it fuckin' fits - you're just like this lady I saw goin' down the street: she's all like 'how'd you fit into that?' I don't fuckin' know, how'd you fit into your tight-ass pants?"
“Davey!” Darcy exclaimed, “You’re here! Quick, you have to wear these!”
It took some argument and the promise of sexual favors from Olly, but a little while later David was indeed wearing a tiara with the number 35 on it (he objected to broadcasting his age strenuously) and a pink and purple sash that proclaimed “BIRTHDAY GIRL!” on it, matching the one that Darcy was wearing (David objected to this as well, but less strenuously.) Tara apologized profusely.
As soon as David had arrived Darcy stood on what was the first of many chairs she would stand on.
“Attention!” she called “Now that both of the birthday girls are here it’s time to play flip cup!”
The party only grew more raucous from there. There are several rounds of birthday shots. There’s a cake that says “Happy Birthday Darcy!” with “and David!” scrawled in tiny letters right next to it. Nick and Charlie mysteriously disappeared for about an hour and when they returned the buttons to Charlie’s shirt were askew and Nick’s hair was very messy. Their daughter Olivia was enjoying a weekend at Grandma Sarah’s house in Port Richmond, so they had 36 hours kid-free and intended to enjoy it. Tao insisted on controlling the playlist and skipping past all the songs David had added.
Everyone had a good time, and then it came time for Darcy’s speech…
***
They file out of Tara and Darcy’s building giggling and laughing together. Charlie makes the decision to mount his husband…’s shoulders, and clings koala-style to Nick’s back when that turns out to be a bad idea. They walk together down 13th Street over the Vine Street Expressway and through Chinatown, under the Convention Center to Market Street.
Olly’s friend Danny has the same idea as Charlie, though the size difference works better, and picks up his boyfriend Matt and perches him on his shoulders. The two giggle.
The crowds pick up as they approach the Gayborhood, queer and otherwise, out enjoying a late summer’s night that’s not too warm or too humid. Tara and Darcy walk hand-in-hand, giggling and skipping, while Elle and Tao (both of whom volunteered to be sober for the night) follow the crowd at a more sedate pace, Tori and Michael alongside them.
As they cross Walnut Street an aging Corolla makes an attempt to run the red light, nearly running David and Darcy over. Amidst irate and totally hypocritical honking an already very drunk David turns furiously and, “35” tiara still perched on his thinning blonde crown, slams his fist down on the chipped silver hood.
“Hey fuck you man, we’re the fuckin’ birthday girls!” he shouts.
“Hey fuck you, man!” the driver shouts in retort.
“Fuck you, go birds!” David replies,
“Go fuckin’ birds!” Nick echoes, equally inebriated. Cars behind the man honk in impatience as they held up the now green light. Charlie and Olly dissolve into giggles while Darcy shouts at the man as well until Tara pulls her away.
The Corolla speeds away, driving off far faster than a one way street in Center City should allow, only to come to an abrupt stop as it comes to a red light at Broad and Walnut.
They line up to get into Woody’s, chattering and joking about, one by one handing IDs to the bouncers. The cover is highway robbery and Joan of Arc is playing on the first floor, and Darcy stops everyone before they go upstairs.
“One last birthday shot!” she announces, passing around a suspicious blue liquid in plastic shot glasses.
“Do you even know what’s in that?” Tao asks Isaac. Isaac shrugs, and downs it along with everyone else. Tori looks at it for a moment before handing hers off to Michael who downs both.
Then the file upstairs to the dance floor.
Hot and Cold is playing when they arrive, and Darcy immediately pulls Tara up onto the little platform in front of the lights that change in time with the music. Nick clears the dance floor to show off his awkward dad shuffle he does when he’s had too many, while Olly leads David with more finesse than either of their brothers. Tori stands off to the side with her head bobbing to the music, while Aled’s face lights up as he drags Daniel onto the platform next to Tara and Darcy. Daniel looks around awkwardly as his husband dances before finally letting loose and joining in. The crowd starts to pick up as the usual requisite bridesmaids and straight guys looking to hit on them start to appear, mixed in with a surprisingly good turnout of actual queer people.
Everyone makes room as Isaac steps into the middle and twerks low to the ground to raucous cheers. A circle forms, cheering and dancing along Isaac, before he pushes himself up with his hands on his knees, taking a step back and slightly out of breath. Isaac was the last of their friends apart from Aled to end up on the wrong side of 30.
Matt Greene, whose older brother had just posted an instagram story of him honeymooning in Bali with his third wife, leans over onto the bar. While he waits to order an inebriated man dressed in Vineyard Vines and Sperry's looks at the shorter man's mesh shirt and tight booty shorts.
"The fuck kind of faggot-ass shit are you wearing?" he slurs.
Matt looks at him unamused. "You're at a gay bar, honey," he replies, "Though to be honest you look the part pretty good to me."
The inebriated man steps forward. "You fuckin' calling me gay?" he snaps.
"So what if he is?" a voice behind him asks. The man turns around to see Olly's friend and Matt's boyfriend Danny looming over him. "Is that a problem?"
Somehow a 6'6", 300+ pound offensive lineman for Temple University isn't as easy a target as a 5'5" twink with a fake ID. Not even when he's wearing a crop top and a mesh undershirt that matches his boyfriend's. The man mumbles something and slinks off with his tail between his legs.
Matt steps up onto tiptoe to kiss his ginger bear of a boyfriend. "That was incredibly hot, babe."
"I try," Danny replies.
The music switches once again, this time to Raise your Glass. Tori and Michael have already left, Tori having had her fill of people. Jason and Georgia are dancing together, friends and only friends. He picks her up ans spins her around, setting her down with a giggle, while Pip and Rooney make out passionately, lost in their own bubble as everyone dances around them.
Darcy stands on the stage, twirling around one of the poles, proclaiming "happy birthday to me!" Tara leans in and, her wife hanging upside down, attempts a Spider-man kiss with her. Darcy looses her grip, falling to the ground with a thud.
"Fuck, are you okay?' Tara asks, kneeling by her wife. Darcy giggles hysterically and grabs Tara's face, pulling her down and kissing her upside down while lying on the ground. Then her wife helps her up and they dive into the crowd.
The lights change to a strobe that makes everything look like it's moving in slow motion. One of Sperry Man's companions is making out with James in a dark corner of the dance floor. Born This Way comes on now, and everyone cheers. Raine and Frances are dancing together, until Aled grabs Frances' hands and twirls her around while Daniel takes a break from the crowds.
The night is getting longer, midnight has passed and the carriage is still a carriage. Tao and Elle are dancing together - well, Elle is dancing, she's not entirely sure what Tao is doing - before he grabs her hand and becomes the next person to dance on the platform by the wall. He leans back with no support, totally trusting Elle to catch him. She does with a raucous laugh, then pulls her husband in for a kiss. She puts her hand on his hip and wiggles hers suggestively, leaning over and murmuring something in his ear. His eyes widen and he abruptly hops down from the platform.
"Darcy, happy birthday," he calls, "everyone else, sorry but we have to go. Urgent 1 AM movie and/or fashion business."
David is dancing with Olly. Olly has since opened his shirt, revealing a smooth shaved chest corded with lean, ropy muscle. The zipper of David's romper has somehow mysteriously slid down, revealing a dusting of blonde hair and a muscular torso marbled with softness.
"We're heading home, too," he says. Home for him is a townhouse in Fishtown (new construction by a developer, which Olly gives him endless shit for.) It's rapidly becoming Olly's home as well, rather than the cheap college apartment in Cecil B Moore he shares with Oscar and a few others.
Olly pouts. "But the night's only just started," he whines with a grin.
"For you maybe, I'm old as shit and can't be out this later and function on Monday."
"Old," Olly teases.
"I just fuckin' said I'm old," David snaps.
"Pleeeeease?" Olly begs, "I can make it worth your while. One more song?"
David thinks for a moment. He looks at his boyfriend in his open shirt. "One more song, and we go get Gay Pizza afterwards. I'm fuckin' starving." The pizza shop on 13th Street with a sign proclaiming it "the Homo Hut" has been a staple of nightlife in the Gayborhood for as long as anyone can remember.
"Fine," Olly agrees, "but you're buying."
"Fuck, you think I'm made of money? That shit's highway robbery."
Olly kisses him, then plants a few along his jawline before taking his earlobe between his teeth. "Perks of having a boomer boyfriend," he murmurs.
"Fuckin' brat," David mutters with a grin.
The music and lights change as the DJ switches gears once more and Clearest Blue by CVRCHES plays.
A young woman stops for a moment, then calls over to Nick "Mr. Nelson!"
Nick looks over and is surprised to see the mother of one of his students. "Ms. Kepner?" he asks. Dressed in gargantuan heels and a dress so tight her skin is spilling out, one of the moms at the elementary school where Nick works beams at him from across the crowd.
"Outside of the school you can call me Natalie!" she calls with a wide grin. She dances her way over to him, sidling up in front of him and getting just bit too close. From where she's standing he can smell her cheap perfume. She puts her hands on his chest unbidden, feeling up strong pectorals wrapped in the layer of softness that comes from having played football for Penn State in college and then moved on to baking afterwards. "I'm celebrating my friend's engagement. You know Jessa, Kaeighleigh's mom?" She stands on tiptoe far too close now, squeezing a love handle in her hand. "So are you with anyone?" There's a wiggle of her hips that promises something risque in stock depending on what his answer is. She's practically pressed up against him.
"He is, actually," Charlie calls from behind. Nick turns, his expression relieved, as Charlie pecks him on the lips. Nick decides to go for broke, cupping his husband's cheek and kissing longer and deeper.
Ms. Kepner - Natalie - looks slightly taken aback. "I didn't know you were gay," she says with just the teensiest hint of disgust.
"I'm bi, actually," Nick replies. He glances at Charlie. "Now if you'll excuse me,"
Without any further preamble he grabs his husband and hoists him. Charlie yelps and then giggles as Nick carries him over his shoulder with the strong quarterback arms that attracted him to Nick all those years ago, snickering at the back of Father Reed's religion class at Roman Catholic High School near Broad and Vine. He carries Charlie over to the platform, depositing him and then stepping up himself, ignoring the slight twinge of his hip as he does so.
Nick looks intro Charlie's eyes for a long moment, Charlie gazing back. Then as one they both lean in. As the song reaches a climax, illuminated by lights flashing in a dazzling rainbow, they kiss, long, deeply, and just a bit indecently. Charlie cups the back of Nick's head while Nick brushes his thumbs along Charlie's prominent cheekbones. They remain attached, lost so much in each other the world simply falls away, reveling in the pure, unadulterated, unselfconscious queer joy that every queer person, young and old, regardless of background or history deserves.
A cheer rises up from among their friends and everyone with them as they dance the night away.