Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Bal?”

“No"

“Lester, then?”

“That’s not even his name”

“How ‘bout Ballie?"

“That sounds horrible and you know it”

“Well if you criticize, you gotta suggest!”

The sound of bickering has been filling Ballister’s lair (which recently became Ambrosius’s as well) for about two hours now. Nimona came to visit and, after hugging Ballister, immediately started arguing with Ambrosius. Considering the fact that they almost killed each other the last time they met, it was definitely an improvement. Still a big pain in the ass for Ballister to listen to their fights over nothing.

The fight you’ve read is about a perfect nickname for Ballister.

“This leads to nothing, really” Ambrosius sighed and put his hand to his forehead. “All you do is list the names which don’t suit Ballister at all"

“Well it wouldn’t be so hard if you suggested something!” Nimona replied smugly. She jumped onto the fridge. “But all you do is criticize. Was criticizing your job at the Institution too?”

“No” Ambrosius shrugged his shoulders. “Why would you get such an idea?"

“ ‘Cause it seems like that’s the only thing you're good at” there was a loud laugh and an eyeroll.

“I swear, young lady, you’re unbearable to be around”

“Not as much as you are, really” the girl stood up and took a step in the air, growing hot pink dragon wings seemingly out of nowhere. She tugged the man’s golden hair and snarled at his reaction. “I have no idea why boss would’ve settled down with you”

Ambrosius grimaced annoyance and gasped, wrinkles appearing between his eyebrows.

“You don’t get to tell me such a thing! Me and Ballister have a long history, we’ve been there for each other since childhood, we-“

“Yeah, yeah, star-crossed lovers blah-blah-blah love over duty n’ all that jazz” she closed her eyes and imitated Ambrosius talking with her palm. “You’ve known him since, like, forever, yet you still don’t know how to get him a nickname? Also didn’t you blow his arm-“

“One more word and I will end you”

“Up?” Nimona said with no hesitation, popping the “p”.

Before they’d try to kill each other again, Ballister came to the kitchen with a dirty mug in his hand.

“Could you please close your mouths? I’m trying to sleep” he mumbled and went up to Ambrosius. “Honey, you are an adult. Please handle the situation accordingly”

Ambrosius rolled his eyes and looked up at Nimona, who was grinning wide.

“She said we shouldn’t be together, how do you want me to react?”

“That’s not what I said”

“Oh, be quiet, I beg of thee”

“Why don’t you both go silent? For my sake?” Ballister pleaded and tilted his head.

Both the man and the girl stopped arguing as they tried their best not to incinerate each other (Ambrosius with his glance, Nimona with the fire from her mouth).

“Now that's what I’m talking about. Keep it up” Ballister smiled tiredly and pecked Ambrosius’s cheek. The latter beamed and closed his eyes, cherishing the tenderness of the moment. Nimona thought of mocking them but decided to simply smirk.

When Ballister went back to his (and Ambrosius’s) bedroom, however, the arguing started again – the only difference was the volume.

“You’re so head over heels for him that’s insane-e-e-e” the girl slurred and grinned, flying up to the ceiling of the room. Ambrosius shook his head and crossed his arms.

“That’s what you want me to be ashamed of?” he raised his eyebrows as he kept watching her. “I am not afraid to express my love, yes, and I surely take pride in that”

“Bo-o-oring!”

“We’ve been exchanging insults for so long yet still haven’t come to one conclusion” the man sighed. “And I don’t think we will”

“Do you have any ideas?” seeing the confusion on Ambrosius’s face, Nimona squinted. “Okay, what do you usually call boss?”

“I stick to pet names” he admitted. “My love, my soul, the moon to my sun, da-“ there was a fleeting blush. “-rling. Things like that”

"Cringy sappy lovey-dovey stuff, got it" Nimona finally decided to get down and made her wings disappear, landing on the floor and tumbling. She grabbed a sheet of paper and a red crayon. "If we really wanna get a cool nickname, we gotta capture boss's nature in one word"

The teen started writing. Her calligraphy was quite bad, Ambrosius having to squint to understand what she scribbled. Nimona put a big dot at the end to make a point.

The scribbles were read as

LORD BALLISTER BLACKHEART!!!!

(coolest best amazingest radest boss eva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And a quick drawing of a happy shark with hearts and stars around it.

"Now" she put the crayon away and turned to Ambrosius. "What do you see?"

"...a shark?"

"In his name, dummy!" she pointed at Ballister's name. "Write down everything that comes to your mind"

Ambrosius was given the red crayon. He took it between his index and middle fingers, shook it a bit, leaving little marks on the paper, and finally started brainstorming. A minute later few more words appeared on the sheet.

They were written in almost unreadable cursive.

Bali

Balfie

Balis

Bally

Dair

Badair

All of these were united with a } symbol, there was a note near it as well. 

Sir Ambrosius's ideas

"Old man, really? Dair? Badair? As in bad air??" Nimona read all options and laughed out loud. "Why do you mark these as if it's your intellectual property?"

"Because it is!" Ambrosius said. "You can't ask me to do something only to mock me afterwards"

"That's exactly what you did!"

Ambrosius and Nimona started fighting yet again, with insults and passive aggressiveness turning into open ones.

"Nimona, there are approximately 1,010,300 words in the our language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair" the man murmured crossly, covering his face with his palm. It seemed like he could blow up at any moment.

"What's stopping you?" Nimona grinned in her usual style, aka devilishly.

"Nothing, if I'm being honest"

The man stood up and rolled up his sleeves, his eyes concentrated on the girl in front of him. God are they gonna kick some ass!

...well, they would, unless Ballister showed up. Which he did, his eye bags as visible as ever. Both stood in awkward confusion.

"I don't care what you call me as long as you let me sleep" he whispered, his voice husky and deep. "I feel like you ought to sleep too"

"But boss! It's only" Nimona looked at the wall clock. "1 AM?"

"Exactly. Kids your age are all snoring in their beds right now. There's a couch you can sleep on" Ballister grabbed Ambrosius's hand with his metal one, pulling him out of the kitchen. "You should be in bed too"

"Darling, I'm an adult, am I not? Shouldn't I be responsible and handle the situation accordingly?"

"Yes, you should. But you don't"

Before going back to sleep, however, Ballister walked up to the sheet, grabbed the crayon and left his own note.

Anything goes. - B.B.

The conflict wasn't resolved but at least Ballister's (and Ambrosius's) lair stayed safe and sound.