Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A groan left Ryūko Matoi’s throat, stretching out for a good few seconds.

Ryūko Matoi was a woman whose body was infused with alien lifeforms called Life Fibers. Those same aliens attempted to destroy the world, but Ryūko fought against them with help from many allies. Along the way Ryūko met the girl she would fall in love with, connected with her sister, and was physically mutilated in several ways that would have killed a normal person. She had her mind controlled and had to battle her own mother, but despite all the hardships, Ryūko never gave up, and in the end she stopped the Life Fiber menace.

The woman named Ryūko was a hero.

Ten years later, Ryūko was a security guard.

Ryūko sat in a swivel chair inside a cramped security booth within a subway. Right outside were automatic ticket machines that swathes of people were passing through. The woman twisted her chair from side to side as she leaned her head on her hand and stared at the passing pedestrians through the window right in front of her.

The uniform Ryūko was forced to wear was an unremarkable dark blue outfit that she hated, though she hated wearing uniforms in general. She took solace in the fact that Mako thought the ensemble looked good on her, especially the hat.

Every hair on Ryūko’s head was tied back into a bun so tight it stretched her skin a bit. Even the red streak in her locks was pulled back and hidden under her hat. At least hiding it meant she didn’t have to dye it black to meet the dress code.

“Matoi, why aren’t you doing your paperwork?”

Ryūko’s back straightened as a senior guard appeared behind her, an older man with a deep frown.

“I’m sorry, I got distracted.” Ryūko immediately began sifting through the sheets of paper on the desk in front of her.

Timid. Ryūko had acted timidly. Such behavior would have been jaw droppingly out of character for her when she was teen.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened.” The older guard loomed over Ryūko.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep much last night.”

“Neither did I, as it so happens, but I’m still doing my job.”

“I’m sorry.” Ryūko’s fists tightened. “It won’t happen again.”

“You said that last time.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Ryūko bit the inside of her cheek.

A grunt from the older guard followed him exiting the booth.

Dull annoyance filled Ryūko, but not for the most obvious reason. She wasn’t annoyed at being talked down to or being reprimanded for a brief lapse in attention.

What filled Ryūko with annoyance was that she wasn’t angry.

“Why didn’t I talk back? I would’ve before.” In her youth Ryūko would fight against anything that she was bothered by, but now she had been trained to be quiet, keep her thoughts to herself, and accept whatever happened. Doing otherwise was what caused her to lose her last several jobs.

This security guard job had lasted longer than any of her previous ones and that’s because she had finally accepted she couldn't get away with the same things she did in high school.

Back in the day, Ryūko had to fight for her life. Now she was living in the peace she had earned by saving the world.

“The fighting was more fun.” Ryūko filled out paperwork.

Paperwork.

More paperwork.

Yet more paperwork.

The only excuse she could use to pause from filling out and organizing sheets of paper was to look out the window to watch for any potential disturbances. There weren’t any. Rarely did anything noteworthy happen.

“I should be happy about that.”

Paperwork.

Paperwork.

Paperwork.

Paperwork.

Paperwork.

Pa epr work

Papepr work

Pape rwor

Pap e rowk

Pa eprp perm

It was getting hard to focus and think straight. Ryūko was slowing down, her mind fogging up with stray thoughts. She had to erase the last few sentences she had written since they were borderline gibberish.

“How long have I been working?”

Disbelief arrived within Ryūko when she looked at a clock. She slumped a bit in her chair as she was pulled down by a newborn weight inside her.

“It hasn’t even been two hours.” Ryūko pulled out her phone to double check the time, the listed time matching with the clock.

The mountain that was Ryūko’s remaining workday felt impossible to scale. A pressure built at the back of Ryūko’s eyes, and that pressure grew even more intense when Ryūko thought about how after work she would barely have any free time at home before she had to got to sleep. Then she’d have to wake up and go to work again. She’d also have to go to work the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that.

She’d have to go to work for the rest of her life. There was no endpoint, no goal. It wasn’t like there was an enemy to defeat or anything, Ryūko was just living life now, and that meant having a job until she could retire or she died.

Ryūko had to keep living the same day for weeks, and months, and years, and decades.

What made things worse was that this wasn’t the first time Ryūko had thought about this; she had pondered the enormous monotony that loomed in her future dozens of times. Every time she hoped she’d come to some kind of ‘solution’. She wanted a way out of her current life, but she never found such a path.

“This is my life.” Ryūko spoke so softly that her words were nigh inaudible.

“Matoi!”

Ryūko spun around to see the senior officer had returned and was looking at her with a wrinkled brow. She stood up immediately.

“I’m so sorry! I swear I was trying to focus!” Ryūko bowed forward so far that her hat fell off.

It took a second for Ryūko to realize the significance of her losing her hat.

The red streak in her hair was now front and center in her senior’s face.

“I-uh-I’m sorry, I mean-I-I swear my hair isn’t dyed, it really is naturally like this! You can ask anyone who knows me, my hair just has a red part! Please, I-”

Ryūko stopped as her senior inhaled slowly.

The man exhaled even more slowly.

“I’m going to have to file a report about this.”

“Please, don’t! I’m so sorry, I’ll lose my job if you file another negative report about me!” Ryūko bowed so far forward that her upper body was parallel with the floor.

“You say that like you don’t deserve to be fired. The entire time you’ve been working here you’ve constantly failed to meet expectations. I expected little from you since you’re a woman trying to be a security officer, and yet you’ve still managed to disappoint. You’re lazy and incompetent. You can’t even fill out paperwork.”

“I swear I’ll improve.” Ryūko endured the insults even as her jaw clenched and her hands formed fists.

“There’s no reason for me to believe you. You constantly claim not to make the same mistakes or to get better, but you not only fail to keep those promises, but you always proceed to screw up even worse than you did before. It’s as if you’re trying to outdo yourself in terms of ineptitude.”

“I know. I’m so sorry.” Ryūko’s whole body tensed and her teeth grit.

“Honestly, I don’t get how you’re going to find a husband the way you are. You can’t even follow basic instructions.” The man sighed again. “I’m filing the report. I suggest you take the time to figure out an excuse for the higher ups that’s actually believable, that or researching other careers that aren’t as mentally intensive.”

Ryūko’s body was shaking. The emotion inside her was at a peak. She had to do something or she’d overflow. Instead of thinking, Ryūko had to act, to just do as her emotions told her to.

But like before, Ryūko wasn’t angry.

Ryūko got onto the floor and pressed her forehead to the ground.

It was a dogeza, for Ryūko wasn’t angry, she was scared of losing her job.

“Please, I can’t afford to lose my job! I promise that I won’t screw up ever again! I’ll work a double shift today to make up for screwing up, and I’ll dye my hair completely black as soon as I get home! Please don’t report me to the higher ups!”

“I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Why am I doing this? Why do I care about this job so much? Because I can't get another one. I’m too stupid. When did this become who I am? Why am I not mad? I should be mad. Be mad! I can’t. I just can’t.”

The senior guard was silent. Ryūko didn’t rise from her kowtow.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Fine, I won’t file a report, but if you screw up one more time, then you’re gone.”

“Thank you so much! You’re so kind!” Ryūko felt disgusting.

She continued to feel disgusting throughout the rest of her now double length shift. The dread Ryūko had experienced before upon recognizing how time crawled as she worked didn’t go away, it only grew more intense now that she had to work for twice as long as she normally would.

Time itself nearly petrified. Ryūko's only method of coping was to simply pretend that she would be at work forever. If she could not dream of going home, then that tantalizing eventuality couldn’t torture her with its distance. All Ryūko had to do was give up, to stop fighting, to submit, to conform despite having spent her youth fighting against a foe that embodied conformity.

It was frightening how a mere ten years could break a person down. No amount of individualism was going to earn one the money necessary to live half-decently. Life Fibers dominated a person all at once, but the gradual reprogramming of people as they tried to live in human society was far more effective in the long term, and certainly more terrifying. With humans you often didn’t know how you had been altered until long after the changes had become ingrained as a fundamental part of who you were.

When Ryūko peered at the window, she saw her reflection and it didn’t look like her anymore.

Eventually, after a sixteen hour work day, Ryūko finally left work. On her way home Ryūko bought some black hair dye.

By the time she arrived at the apartment complex where she lived, the night was deep and she was exhausted. Physically she was fine given her Life Fiber infused body was able to fight for hours on end without difficulty, but mentally Ryūko was struggling to not break down.

Ryūko unlocked the door to her apartment and opened it.

“Ryūkooooooooooooo, you’re home!”

Mako the human missile had locked onto Ryūko who didn’t have the energy to do anything other than take the projectile straight on. Ryūko was tackled to the floor, her limbs limp.

“Ryūko, how was work? How was your double shift? Did you have fun? Were there a lot of people? There always is, so I guess that was dumb to ask. Oh! Were there not a lot of people? That would be surprising! A subway with not a lotta people would be creepy! Like a ghost town, but for trains! Ghost trains! Imagine being haunted by the ghost of a train! You’d hear loud whistling in the middle of the night! Chooooo-chooooo! Now I wanna ride a train! Wait, I get to ride a train every day when I go to work! Yay!” Mako nuzzled Ryūko.

“Hi, Mako.” Ryūko couldn’t help but smile despite the long day she just had. Even when the world was sad and dull and monotonous, Mako was a ball of consistent chaos that Ryūko found comfort in.

“Hi.” Mako giggled and kissed Ryūko. She peppered Ryūko’s face with more kisses as they stood up, or rather Ryūko stood up while Mako clung to her like a sloth. “How was work?”

“Terrible. My senior’s a dick and I had to grovel to him just to not get fired over the dumbest crap.” Ryūko carried Mako into their home and closed the door behind them. The dwelling was rather standard for a Japanese apartment with little to differentiate it from any other. “Now I just wanna go to sleep.”

“Do you wanna eat first? I made croquettes!”

“Sorry, but I’m too tired. Can you put the leftovers in the fridge for me?”

“Sure!” Mako jumped off Ryūko and zoomed into the kitchen

“By the way, have you slept yet?”

“I was napping when you opened the door and I shot right towards you!”

Ryūko entered her and Mako’s bedroom, immediately falling onto the bed. She didn’t even bother getting out of her uniform or moving under the covers. The plastic bag that held her newly purchased hair dye was still in her hand.

“What are you doing? Where are your jammies?” Mako had appeared in the bedroom like a bolt of lightning. “You can’t sleep without your jammies!”

“I’m too tired to change.” Ryūko slurred.

“It doesn’t matter how tired you are, you have to put on your jammies, brush your teeth, and get under the covers! You can’t sleep right unless you do!” As Mako spoke, she proceeded to strip Ryūko naked, dress her in her pajamas, brush her teeth, and bundle Ryūko under the bed covers so tight it was like she was in a cocoon.

Mako then did the same to herself, though she slipped into the same blanket cocoon that she put Ryūko in. The pair were smushed into each other, which was how Mako liked it, and how Ryūko like it too admittedly.

“Thanks, Mako.” Ryūko snickered.

“You’re welcome! Goodnight!” Mako immediately fell into a deep sleep, a snot bubble growing and shrinking from her nose with each breath.

“Goodnight.” Ryūko closed her eyes, but despite her exhaustion, her body refused to fall asleep.

“I love Mako so much. If I didn’t have her, I don’t know what I’d do. Even with her I don’t know what to do. I hate my job. I hate every job. But I need a job. I have to make money, for Mako’s sake. We can’t live well unless we both work. I could try asking Satsuki for money, but I don’t want to leech off her. The only job I liked was MMA, but I got kicked out of every league because everyone thought I was doping due to how crazy strong I am. Then I went to underground fighting rings, but I won so easily that nobody wanted to watch, and I wasn’t good at faking getting my ass kicked, so I got fired from all those promotions too. Hitting stuff is the only thing I’m good for, and I can’t even do that right. I hate my life. I hate it so much. Even being with Mako isn’t enough to make me feel better.”

Ryūko felt choked up.

“I need some kind of break. When was the last time Mako and I had a break? We’ve been working so much. All I wear is my uniform most of the time. Didn’t I promise Senketsu I’d wear outfits so cute he’d be jealous? When was the last time I wore something cute? Is the life I’m living the one Senketsu wished for me? Was this what Senketsu died for?”

Ryūko had to force herself not to sob as she began to cry. She had to move her head away from Mako to not risk her tears dripping onto her beloved. There was no way in hell that Ryūko was going to let Mako know about the turmoil she felt inside. Mako would go crazy if she found out what Ryūko felt; she would insist Ryūko quit being a security guard and look for her dream job. That would be kind of Mako, but it wasn’t reasonable. They needed money or they wouldn’t have any chance at being happy. Ryūko couldn’t waste time searching for a theoretical dream occupation.

“But how long can I keep doing this before I break? What will happen when I break?”

It wasn’t a matter of if she’d break at the rate Ryūko was going, only when.

While feeling trapped by her life, Ryūko finally drifted to sleep. What she dreamed of was a mess of disjointed events. Getting fired, becoming homeless, Mako leaving her, losing her mind.

In the swamp of unfettered thoughts that formed her dreams, Ryūko said something she wouldn’t dare think, let alone utter, aloud. It was a wish for something that could simplify her life.

“I hope the Life Fibers come back.”

Chapter Text

“I can’t tell her. I want to so bad, but I can’t.” Nonon Jakuzure was rolling around in a pile of stuffed animals on her bed, her tiny body sinking into the soft hill. Her room was pink and frilly beyond reason. Plushies in myriad forms littered every otherwise open space. “I’ll go crazy if I don’t tell her, but I can’t tell her!”

“Just tell her, please! I’m sick hearing the same shit from you!” Uzu Sanageyama dropped onto a Nonon-sized pink chair that squeaked under his weight.

“If you truly hold feelings so deep for Lady Satsuki, then you must express them! You never know when she might find someone else to love, and then you’ll never be able to admit how you feel!” The giant who barely fit inside Nonon’s bedroom was Ira Gamagōri, and he certainly wasn’t speaking from experience when he talked about not confessing to one’s love before they found someone else to be their partner. There was no way he was talking about a certain brown haired, hyperactive girl who was now in a relationship with Ryūko Matoi. Definitely not…

“You didn’t even offer us tea.” Hōka Inumuta shrugged and sat on the edge of Nonon’s bed. “You’re a terrible host.”

“You can make tea yourselves, you know where the stuff to make it is.” Nonon’s voice was muffled due to her face being pressed into an eagle plushie.

“This isn’t how someone asking for advice should behave.” Inumuta spoke like he was addressing a child.

“Shut up.”

“Wow, you don’t even have the energy to come up with a witty retort. The snake’s a venomoid now.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Why won’t you tell Satsuki how you feel? Even if you don’t think she likes you, what’s the worst that could happen?” Inumuta poked at Nonon.

“She could be disgusted at the very idea that I imagined I could be in a relationship with her, disgusted that I’ve secretly had feelings for her since we were little and was basically leering at her for our entire lives.” Nonon sank deeper into her plushie mountain.

“You really think Lady Satsuki would react that way?” Gamagōri crossed his arms. “Lady Satsuki is too elegant and empathetic to react so harshly to innocent affection! She would never interpret your devotion to her as anything perverse! Anyone as loyal to Lady Satsuki as we are should know that.”

“That loyalty we all display is part of why I’m sure I’ll be rejected.” Nonon tossed and turned. “All four of us have been loyal to Satsuki, we’re all on the same level to her. I’m not special.”

“You’re not blaming us now, are you?” Sanageyama leaned forward.

“Of course not. My point is that Satsuki sees me the way she sees you three. I’m just her loyal friend, not a potential partner.”

“You can’t keep your feelings inside like this, it’s eating you up. Even if you’re rejected, you can still be friends with Lady Satsuki and you’ll have closure.” Inumuta stood up. “It’s scary, but telling Lady Satsuki how you feel will be good for you. And who knows, maybe she’ll reciprocate.”

“That’s impossible. None of us are good enough for Lady Satsuki.” The man from Kanto released a single chuckle.

“You aren’t helping, Sanageyama.” Gamagōri said.

“I’m sick of this. Just tell Lady Satsuki how you feel already! We all know how this’ll end, so just rip off the band-aid!” Sanageyama stood up and stomped right up to Nonon’s bed. “Tell Satsuki how you feel, or I’ll tell her!”

“No!” Jakuzure erupted from her plushie igloo. Even more terrifying to Nonon than admitting her feelings to Satsuki was to have someone else tell her. For Nonon’s feelings to be shared around like gossip, for that to be the way Satsuki learned the truth, it would be horrible. That would truly make Nonon’s attraction feel like some dirty, perverted secret she was keeping from Satsuki, something a third party had to expose.

“Sanageyama! You don’t have the right to share the secrets of others!” Gamagōri seemed to grow even bigger than he already was. His hand grasped the green haired man’s torso from behind.

“Jakuzure, tell Satsuki or I’ll tell her!” Despite Gamagōri’s attempt at intimidation, Sanageyama did not budge in his resolve.

“Okay, how about we all stop for a moment before someone does something they can’t take back.” Inumuta stepped between Sanageyama and Jakuzure.

“I know telling Satsuki is something that can’t be taken back, that’s the point!”

“Please don’t tell Satsuki! Please!” Nonon was on the border of hyperventilating as her body kept jittering.

“Then you tell her!”

“I-” Nonon was faced with an ultimatum that could not be escaped. In that case, the answer was obvious. Telling Satsuki was the only thing Nonon could do. There was no way she could let Sanageyama of all people do it.

And yet the obviousness of the answer didn’t make it any easier to follow through.

“Just call Satsuki and tell her. Do it quick and brace yourself for whatever happens. No! I can’t tell Satsuki something so big over the phone, she’ll think I’m not being serious. I have to look Satsuki in the eye when I tell her my feelings. I’ll call her and tell her to meet with me, and then when we meet I’ll tell her how I feel. But that gives me time to chicken out and cancel the meeting to get out of the whole thing. No, I won’t do that, because then that monkey’ll tell Satsuki everything. Damn that dumb Kanto monkey! I’ll call Satsuki! I’ll do it right now! But hearing her voice in my ear while I’m feeling this way will be too much to handle. I’m never able to call her anymore. Text! I’ll text her! Duh! I just gotta do it…right now…right now…just text her…Stop hesitating! Just go! Do it! Right now! Don’t think, just do it!”

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!” Nonon snatched her phone from her nightstand and rapidly tapped up a message that she sent before she could even think about hesitating. “Here, are you happy now!”

Nonon held out her phone to show the text she just sent.

“Hey gotta talk to you about somthing importan really important. It’s personal Can we we meet up something soon so can talk ? Prefer a private place Sorry to spring this on you.”

The trio of men in the room read the typo filled message.

“Are you actually gonna follow through with this?” Sanageyama raised an eyebrow.

“I am! You aren’t giving me a choice!”

“We’ll see.” Sanageyama crossed his arms.

“You can do this, Jakuzure! All you need is courage! Prove the strength of your heart!” While Gamagōri’s encouragement was appreciated, it didn’t do much to make Nonon feel better.

A ding.

“She responded.” By the time Inumuta had finished saying those two words, Nonon had already spun her phone back around so she could see Satsuki’s punctual response.

“Of course. I’m here for you whenever you need me. When and where would you like to meet up?”

“She’s so nice! Aaaahhhhh!” Nonon was punched in the face by her infatuation with Satsuki and her every quality. “Respond quickly or you’ll try to double back!”

“Whatevs good fr you” Nonon sent the message immediately. “Why’d I answer so fast, now I seem desperate!”

Ding. Satsuki answered immediately as well.

“If you are sure, then how about your place on Sunday? My house is still being renovated. Does ten o’clock work for you?”

“Yes.”

“See you then. Feel free to call me if you can’t wait.”

“Thnks see you then”

“I did it, bitch!” Nonon pointed at Sanageyama as she spoke with a screeching voice full of both triumph and frustration.

“Just make sure you actually tell her.” The Kanto man leaned back and crossed his arms.

“My my. I’m honestly proud of you.” Inumuta’s complement was soaked in condescension, but he was nonetheless telling the truth.

“I did it. I did it. Now I just gotta…shit.” Now Nonon had to follow through and tell Satsuki her feelings. Dread had replaced Nonon’s sense of relief. “Now I have to tell Satsuki how I feel!”

The three men in the room all sighed.

The following days left Nonon in constant anticipation of her meetup with Satsuki. Never once did the thought of Satsuki actually accepting her feelings manifest in Nonon’s mind. There was only one way the conversation could end and that was poorly.

Nonon was the conductor of a popular orchestra, and normally she was able to let all her worries fade away while she and her fellows practiced for their next performance, but this time Nonon couldn’t focus at all. Instead of properly guiding her musicians, she just kept trying to figure out how she should handle her conversation with Satsuki, how she’d broach the subject of her attraction, and how she could convey her feelings in a way that won’t come off as creepy. She could never come up with any method that she was satisfied with despite how long she contemplated. All she accomplished were many chaotic practice runs for her orchestra’s next performance.

When the day of the meetup had come, Nonon woke up early, or she would have if she had actually managed to fall asleep the night before. Unfortunately Nonon’s nerves had made it their mission to ensure she didn’t sleep a wink. This left Nonon with bags under eyes that she refused to let Satsuki see, so she did her best to hide them with makeup.

The tiny woman cleaned and organized everything in her home to make sure that nothing was out of place for Satsuki’s visit, and she did so with such fervor that she worked up a sweat that necessitated she take a second shower. That meant she had to reapply her makeup and find a new outfit to wear.

The stress was starting to become hard to handle. Nonon was actually bordering on having a panic attack. If she couldn’t cool her head, then she’d be forced to cancel the meetup as to not show Satsuki her disheveled self, but then Sanageyama would assume Nonon had backed out of admitting her feelings, so he’d tell Satsuki that Nonon was in love with her.

It was when Nonon reached the peak of her exasperation that there was a knock on her front door.

“Not now! Why is she so early?” Nonon power walked over to her front door while trying to clear her head. She took deep breaths to steady the beating of her heart, but the shakiness of her exhalations made her more aware of just how unprepared she was for this.

Nonon grabbed the knob of her front door and took a moment that lasted not even a full second. In that instant Nonon allowed herself to stop. The choppy waters of her mind calmed slightly, enough that she was able to actually focus.

“I just gotta do what I gotta do. I can’t change this, so I might as well stop worrying and do it.”

Nonon opened the door and she lost her breath when she was Satsuki. She stood there with a black bob haircut that Nonon thought made her look gorgeous, though she was always gorgeous. Satsuki’s beauty nearly caused Nonon to lose her composure again, but she managed to keep it together.

“Hi, Satsuki, how are you? Come in!”

“I’m doing well, thank you. Pardon the intrusion.” Satsuki stepped into Nonon’s home with a smile on her face. Nonon’s eyes darted all over the room and specifically to all the things about it she wished she could change to make it closer to the standard of domicile Satsuki deserved. “How are you? Your text made it seem like you were troubled.”

“Damn it, she knows!” Nonon’s toes gripped the floor as she closed the front door. “I’m not troubled, don’t worry!”

“You can be honest with me, Jakuzure. If something’s wrong then I want to help you.” Satsuki saw right through Nonon.

“She still refers to me by my last name.” Nonon walked deep into her home. “I guess I’m kind of troubled. We can talk about it in a sec. Do you want tea?”

“Don’t trouble yourself.” Satsuki followed Nonon into the living room.

“It’d be no trouble, and I’m actually thirsty! Besides, I have some of your favorite tea! Sit down wherever you’d like and I’ll make some tea!” Nonon escaped to her kitchen where she immediately got to work making tea as perfectly as she possibly could. She couldn’t disappoint Satsuki.

“Satsuki knows something’s off. Shit. What should I do? Do I just spit it out? No, I need to lead into it. But, how? Satsuki wants to know what's wrong, she won’t let me dodge around the point of me calling her over for long. Sanageyama said I had to just rip off the band-aid. Maybe he was right. God, the fact I actually think Sanageyama might be right about something shows how messed up I am right now.”

Nonon carried a tray with the finished tea on it into the living room.

“Here you go! I made it just how you like it.” Nonon handed Satsuki her tea before sitting down with her own cup. Satsuki sipped her tea, a smile forming on her face.

“Wonderful.”

“Thank you!” Nonon drank some of her tea, but she couldn’t taste it as her senses were all focused on Satsuki. “So how have you been lately? Anything special happen?”

“Things have been the same as ever. I’ve just been living the simple life. What was it that you invited me over to talk about? I don’t mean to come off as impatient, it’s just that it seems like something serious is upsetting you.”

“She’s so persistent. That’s one of the things I love about her.”

After swallowing some spit, Nonon decided to do what she did before when she texted Satsuki. She would just act without giving herself time to overthink things, or think at all.

“I’m not upset, it’s just that there’s something I have to admit. Okay, so I’m-” It felt like an object was caught in Nonon’s throat, as if something had appeared in her chest and reached up through her neck. One last wave of anxiety tried to stop Nonon from finally admitting her feelings, but she mustered up the resolve necessary to follow through. “I’m in love with you, and not in a platonic way, in a romantic way. I’ve been in love with you since kindergarten. I’m sorry for not telling you, I was afraid of how you might react.” Nonon bowed her head, less as an act of apology and more because she wanted an excuse to avoid looking Satsuki in the eye.

But Nonon had to look up eventually. When she did, she saw that Satsuki was wide eyed, but otherwise hadn’t moved or said anything. She was just sitting silently.

“What do you think?” Nonon shrunk in her seat, bracing herself for the worst.

“I’m…surprised” Satsuki relaxed a bit. “I honestly didn’t expect you’d tell me something like that when I came here today. All this time I never had the slightest inkling that you felt that way. Part of me feels like it should have been obvious, but I also feel like saying such a thing would diminish you by implying all your kindness towards me was motivated by your self-interest.”

“Are you angry? Do my feelings bother you?”

“Certainly not. Why would I be upset with you?”

“For not telling you about my feelings, which is basically lying by omission.” Guilt overcame Nonon.

“I think ‘lying by omission’ is a strong way of putting it. You’ve done nothing wrong to me by having kept your feelings to yourself for so long. If anything, the only person you wronged was yourself given how much these feelings appear to have eaten away at you.” The compassionate smile on Satsuki’s face made Nonon’s heart melt. Nonon’s eyes became glassy. To have her feelings validated along with her struggle to hide those feelings for so long provided an emotional catharsis the likes of which Nonon had never known before. “As for if I can reciprocate your feelings…”

While Satsuki not hating her was what Nonon cared about most, she still felt tension throughout her entire being in anticipation of Satsuki rejecting her. It was simply impossible in Nonon’s mind for Satsuki to want to enter any sort of relationship with her. Satsuki was perfect and Nonon wasn’t.

“I’m not sure if I can or can’t. I’m honestly not sure.” Satsuki’s answer lacked her usual decisiveness. The fact that Satsuki didn’t provide an outright rejection was confusing to Nonon, as it implied that Nonon actually had the potential to be her romantic partner in Satsuki’s eyes.

“What do you mean? Why aren’t you sure?”

“How should I explain this?” Satsuki sipped her tea. “I began dating around after graduating high school, but nothing came of it. At first I thought it was a sign that I didn’t really want a relationship, but I felt a desire for companionship that contradicted that interpretation. My second idea for why those relationships didn’t work out was because I had only tried dating men. A little exploring by myself and I realized that I’m definitely a lesbian. This fact bumps up against a problem I have with being in a relationship with another woman.”

“Problem?” Nonon whispered.

“My mother abused me growing up, mainly sexually. While I’ve learned to live with any trauma that abuse has caused me, it has left me with a hesitancy to enter a relationship with another woman, particularly a sexual one. I fear that attempting to have lesbian sex will cause me to flash back to my mother’s…incestuous actions towards me.”

Nonon had been aware of the abuse Satsuki had suffered by her mother’s hand, Nonon was one of the few Satsuki confided in about such things, but she never thought about how the trauma such experiences would create could extend to Satsuki’s future sexual encounters. When compared to Satsuki’s ordeal, Nonon’s own anxieties felt paltry.

“I’m sorry, I never even considered that-”

“Don’t apologize for anything, you did nothing wrong.” Satsuki once again sipped her tea. “Despite my experiences, I don’t want to deny myself the chance to at least attempt to fall in love, especially when I might be able to fall in love with you.”

“What?” Nonon blushed.

“I think that, if I’m to fall in love with anyone, falling in love with you would be especially nice.”

“W-Why?” Nonon’s heart was beating against her ribcage.

“You’re cute, you’re creative, talented, intelligent, and you’re already my friend.”

“Oh.” Nonon felt like she was burning up.

“Considering my conflicting feelings, I’d like to at least try going on a few dates with you, and we’ll see what happens from there.”

“You want to try dating me?”

“I do.” Satsuki’s latest smile was far more…knowing in its attractiveness, more deliberate. “So does that sound like a good idea?”

“Yes!”

Satsuki chuckled at Nonon’s instant response, which made Nonon blush even harder than she already was.

Despite the embarrassment, Nonon was over the moon. She had the opportunity to date Satsuki, and if things went well, they might even become a couple.

Nonon kept her expectations low and her hopes high.

Chapter Text

“This is me now.”

Ryūko looked at one of the windows of a subway car and saw her dyed hair. Her red streak was gone, as per the dress code of her job.

Currently Ryūko was patrolling the subway and she couldn’t risk taking anything more than a micro-instant to dawdle by looking at herself, otherwise she’d risk getting reprimanded again. It had been a while since she last got in trouble, and that was because she’d learned that society would not allow her any leeway.

As such, Ryūko put her cap back on and returned to patrolling through the subway.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patroliing.

Patorling

Patroln.

Patorl.

Patrl.

“Focus! You can’t get in trouble for dozing off!”

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Once again Ryūko mentally bemoaned her life, but she only did so just enough to let out a smidge of her frustration. Ryūko had to stay focused. She couldn’t get in trouble.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

Patrolling.

“I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.”

Ryūko’s day was business as usual, even the fact that she was on the brink of flipping out was standard affair.

What wasn’t standard was the individual hidden in a bulky trench coat that stood in Ryūko’s path. Both Ryūko and the trench coat were standing next to a train dock that was empty of any cars at the moment.

“Excuse me, do you need help?” Ryūko spoke with a polite tone she had created after years of practice.

“Wow, you really have changed. You were way cuter when you were always yelling and getting mad.” A squeaky voice came from the trench coat. “This’ll be unsatisfying unless you act the way you used to.”

“Hold up.” Ryūko recognized the trench coat’s voice. It was too annoying and was connected to too many bitter memories to forget. “How are you…?”

“Hmm? Jeez, this really will be a snore.” The trench coat hunched forward, but then they shot up straight. “Oh well! Gutting you while you're alive should be fun no matter what!”

The trench coat was tossed away by the girl wearing it. She had blonde twintails as big as her body, and she wore a pink goth lolita dress. While one of her eyes was blue, the other was missing with dozens of Life Fibers sticking out of the open socket, wriggling. The girl’s skin was black and decorated with lines that constantly changed color. In her hand was a giant pair of scissors colored purple.

“Hi, Ryūko! I missed you!” Nui Harime had returned and she had the Scissor Blades.

“Is this real?” Ryūko didn’t yell, nor did she mumble.

“Of course this is real, silly!” Nui giggled.

“How the hell are you back?”

“I fused with the Primordial Life Fiber which Mama ate up! When you got rid of most of the Life Fibers on Earth by taking control of them, I managed to resist you thanks to having my own mind, and so I escaped in the form of a bundle of Life Fibers. I was super weak from resisting your commands, so it took my Fibers a long time to weave together into a proper body, but I managed to do it after ten years! Ten. Whole. Years.” Nui’s voice turned cold. Her eye was wide. “All I could do was sit and struggle as I put myself back together. Can you imagine what that’s like? Ten years of struggling all alone. I’m here to teach you what ten years of suffering is like using these scissors I dredged up from the Tokyo Bay. I’ll get revenge for myself, for Mama, and for the Primordial Life Fiber!”

Some civilians began to crowd around, gawking at the bizarre Nui and her rambling, while other people rushed away as soon as they spotted the giant pair of scissors.

“Lookie! We’ve got an audience! They’ll get to see what I’m gonna do to you!” Nui had a sharp toothed grin. “Sure hope they don’t get caught up in this.”

“Shit! Everyone, please disperse! It’s not safe! That girl is armed and dangerous!” Ryūko spoke deeply and loudly. Thankfully Ryūko was a security guard so there was a chance the civilians would actually listen to her orders.

Before the crowd could even think to run, Nui lunged at some of the people to chop them up with her scissors. She was trying to force Ryūko to focus on protecting innocents and thus neglect her own safety.

That plan failed as Ryūko appeared behind Nui in a flash and grabbed the girl's arms which stopped her from swinging the scissors. Nui’s arms were difficult to keep in place. The lolita was stronger than ever thanks to her having fused with the Primordial Life Fiber, but Ryūko hadn’t spent the last decade resting on her laurels. She had also gotten stronger after training for years in preparation for a potential second Life Fiber invasion.

The surrounding people began to run away, screams of terror echoing throughout the tunnel. As if to replace the escaping people, a train pulled up to the dock and opened its doors, people unaware of the danger in front of them filtering out.

Nui’s arms morphed, spikes forming out of them that stabbed Ryūko’s hands and reduced them to a few strips of flesh. With her arms freed, Nui tried to attack the new group of civilians. A risking kick from Ryūko got Nui right in the groin and shot her upward. The lolita’s body burrowed into the ceiling. Once again the surrounding people ran away in fear, but thousands of Life Fibers appeared from the hole in the ceiling and stretched towards the civilians to restitch their brains and make them attack Ryūko.

Ryūko’s hands returned to their proper shape and she zipped around the tunnel, grabbing each and every single thread before they could reach anyone. A yank ripped Nui from the ceiling and towards Ryūko who smashed her fist into the lolita’s face so hard the entire subway system quaked. The ground and walls crumbled while the ceiling collapsed. In less than a second the area would be buried in rubble.

Tendrils formed out of Nui’s amorphous body and wrapped around Ryūko like an octopus. Nui opened the combined Scissor Blades in preparation to close them on Ryūko’s neck to decapitate her. Her regeneration would be nullified from being cut simultaneously from opposite sides.

Right when the blades snapped together, Ryūko jerked her head back so hard her neck broke. This allowed her head to move beyond its normal range and thus pull out of the way of the Scissor Blades.

At the same time that she dodged, Ryūko slipped her arm free from her bonds and punched Nui’s forearm, breaking it and causing Nui to let go of one of the scissors. Ryūko grabbed that scissor and broke it off from its sister blade. A single slash was all that was needed to sever all the tendrils constricting Ryūko. Her neck fixed itself and she swung her Scissor Blade as it turned red. Nui used her remaining Scissor to clash swords with Ryūko. The collision of weapons created a shockwave, reducing the falling rubble as well as the entire surrounding area to mist.

Ryūko and Nui pressed their Scissor Blades into each other as they stood in the cavern they created. There were no sources of light and thus Ryūko couldn’t see Nui. In order to fix that, Ryūko ground her Scissor against Nui’s, creating sparks that provided a modicum of light and thus visibility. What Ryūko saw was that there was more than one Nui. The lolita had created an army of clones of herself that flooded the cavern.

The light faded and was replaced with a chorus of giggles. Hundreds of unseen tentacles and blades assailed Ryūko. Her body went from perfect health to a mangled mess in a second, and yet she still fought back. Even without sight Ryūko dismembered hundreds of Nui clones. Ryūko’s senses and combat skills sharpened as the battle progressed, enough so that she eventually was able to fight perfectly well despite being unable to see. Her sixth sense allowed her to detect each and every Nui, and she could even tell which one was the real one. Despite having trained for ten years, Ryūko had been out of practice when it came to genuine life or death combat, but now she had her groove back.

“Geez Louise, you still don’t know when to quit, do you, Ryūko? But I guess that’s what makes you worth getting revenge on. It wouldn’t be satisfying if it was easy! I mean, I can't just kill you, y’know? I need you to know what my pain is like! You killed mama and got rid of the Life Fibers! You got rid of everything we cared about; everything I cared about!” Nui ranted as Ryūko felt the lolita’s Scissor Blade approaching. Ryūko blocked with her own Scissor, the two weapons once again creating sparks that lit things up enough that Ryūko could see Nui’s stretching grin. “You’ll learn what it’s like to lose everything when I-why are you smiling?”

“Huh?” Ryūko touched her face to feel what Nui had just seen in the light of the sparks. A smile had materialized on Ryūko’s face. “Why am I smiling?”

The answer was obvious. Nui’s reemergence necessitated combatting her, and Nui wouldn’t go down easy. It would be a whole new war like the one years ago. That meant Ryūko would have to ignore her job and all the other responsibilities in her life to focus on the war.

No more dull days. No more focusing on making money.

Just fight. Fight whoever was an enemy.

Easy. Simple.

Fun.

Ryūko’s dream had come true.

“Hehehehehehehehehe.” Ryūko was giggling uncontrollably.

“Why are you laughing?” Nui lost her own smile as she transformed her Scissor Blade into a double bladed scythe and chopped Ryūko in half at the waist with it. This was followed by all the Nui clones stabbing into Ryūko with sharp tentacles as the area returned to darkness.

And yet Ryūko kept giggling.

Then she began outright laughing. She was so happy.

Not just happy, she was manic. It was the kind of mania that Nui was accustomed to, the kind where you felt a sense of omnipotence as you received everything you wanted.

The blood in Ryūko’s veins boiled from the sheer excitement and passion she was feeling, so much so that her body became hot enough to ignite all the tendrils stabbing into her, and by extension the Nui clones. All the fake Nuis screamed as they burned away and lit up the cavern like the inside of a furnace.

“Wha…” Nui backed up as Ryūko’s skin turned red while her body put itself back together and the stone below her feet began melting into white hot magma. The rags that were once Ryūko’s uniform caught fire. Ryūko was now dressed in flames vaguely shaped like how Senketsu looked when he and Ryūko Synchronized. The air around Ryūko ignited into a blazing aura that forced Nui to jump to the edge of the cavern just to avoid getting burned. It was getting so hot that the oxygen in the cave would soon be depleted. Heat waves made Ryūko’s image distort. She held out her Scissor Blade which opened up into Decapitation Mode and was wreathed in more flames.

Ryūko’s hair left its bun and began to flow like a raging fire, the dye in it burning away to reveal the streak of red in it that now glowed.

“Infernal Regression Mode!” Ryūko was barely able to declare the title of her new state through all her giggling.

“Huh?” Nui had her back to a wall as her skin burned from radiating heat. Sweat evaporated as it left her pores. She wasn’t smiling, and she wasn’t angry. The teeth in her mouth chattered and her whole body trembled. The only thing Nui felt at this point was fear, that was inarguable upon looking at her face. It was at this moment that Nui learned how it felt to be on the other end of her own terrifying mania.

“Let’s go!”

Before Nui could react, Ryūko had grabbed her by the face and jumped up through the ceiling. The next thing Nui knew, they were both above ground as well as above the clouds. Nui shrieked in pain as the skin on her face bubbled and turned to vapor. Her whole body was consumed by Ryūko’s blazing aura.

Ryūko threw Nui one handed, sending her smashing into a distant desert, the Sahara Desert in fact. Nui coughed up blood from the impact, and she coughed up even more when she felt Ryūko’s heel punch right into her gut. Flames burned Nui’s internal organs while Ryūko’s heat turned the surrounding desert into a sea of burning, liquid glass.

There was no way Nui could win if she didn’t retaliate, so she stabbed one of the blades of her scythe into Ryūko’s neck. A quick twist and Ryūko’s head was lopped off.

But that didn’t stop Ryūko.

Ryūko kept on laughing and her blade swung wide, slicing right through Nui’s torso and a tidal wave glass behind her. The upper half of the wave burst into a flaming rain of glass that pierced holes into Nui’s body.

Threads connected Nui’s upper and lower halves, reconnecting them. Nui wouldn't die as long as she could keep regenerating, but said regeneration was under strain from having to constantly fight back against the inferno trying to burn her away.

As if skating on ice, Ryūko and Nui dance across the liquid glass, their blades slicing each other up. Every wound repaired itself, but in Nui’s case the repairs took longer each time. Her threads were getting eaten through by flames from all sides. Soon enough they would burn away completely, and Nui would burn away along with them.

“Noooo!” Nui jumped away from Ryūko and created another army of copies of herself that charged at Ryūko like living rockets. The manic woman happily cut and burned through the thousands of projectiles while running at Nui, laughing all the while as if she were a little kid playing tag with a friend.

A pair of bat-like wings formed out of the real Nui’s back, and she began to fly away at speeds so fast that the flames covering her were put out.

“No ya don’t!” Ryūko rapidly swung her blade, creating numerous arcs of fire that flew at Nui. The lolita zigged and zagged to avoid all the flaming waves, but as she did Ryūko propelled herself through the air using her flames, causing her to resemble a meteor. The tip of her Scissor Blade stabbed right into Nui, setting her on fire again from both the outside and inside. Nui couldn’t even scream, because all the oxygen in her body had burned away. Ryūko and the impaled Nui soared over dozens of countries before smashing into the peak of Mount Everest.

The tip of the mountain melted and caved inward, resembling a volcano. Standing atop the lava was Ryūko who still had Nui impaled on her Scissor Blade. Nui’s body was limp, she had no strength to fight back, so she just kept on burning helplessly. Ryūko took the purple Scissor out of Nui’s hand, the weapon returning to its original shape as well as going back to being red.

“C’mon, get up!” Ryūko shook the blade Nui was stuck on, the lolita’s limbs flapping about. “C’mon, we aren’t done yet! Move!”

Nui didn’t move.

“Move! Come on! You can’t have lost this easily! We just started!” Veins bulged against Ryūko’s skin. “You got my hopes up for this!”

Nui didn’t move.

“You’re my excuse! I can’t avoid doing normal work if you die now! Why are you this weak? You thought you were going to get your revenge when you’re this weak? Get up so we can keep fighting until I’m satisfied!”

Nui moved. Her charred face fissured and crumbled as her teeth gnashed.

“You mad? You mad I called you weak? Get mad! Get strong! We gotta keep fighting!”

Cracks formed in Nui’s teeth as she kept grinding them, but then she smiled.

“Ryūko!”

“That voice.” Ryūko turned and saw two people at the edge of the molten pit she had created in the mountain.

One of the people was a Nui clone with a toothy grin on its face. This Nui had morphed its body to be like a serpent that was currently wrapped around a certain woman.

“Ryūko! Help! Also, this is pretty nostalgic! Remember how I’d always get kidnapped when we were kids and you’d have to save me? You were always so cool! By the way, why are you on fire? Wait, you’re on fire! Ryūko, stop, drop, and roll!”

Mako.

“Lookie, Ryūko, I’ve got your girlfriend real snug right now! She’s so snug that I’d just have to squeeze a little more to pop her head off!” The Nui clone spoke for the real Nui who was soundlessly laughing as she continued to burn.

“But I need my head!” Mako tried to move but couldn’t.

“If you don’t want her to die, you’ll free the real me, put out your flames, give me the Scissors, and then let me do whatever I want to you! Got it?”

“Of course this happened. Why wouldn’t it? Mako always gets captured. How come, when I wished for the Life Fibers to return, I never thought about how Mako would be put in danger? No, I’m lying to myself, I did think about the danger Mako and other people I care about would be in, I just didn’t want to think about that. I wanted some world ending threat to come to Earth again and I got it, even though that could lead to millions of people dying, all so I wouldn’t be depressed anymore. What is wrong with me?” Ryūko covered her face with her hand. She wasn’t mad at Nui, she was mad at herself. She was utterly disgusted and horrified at herself.

Ryūko exhaled, flames coming out of her mouth. All her veins pressed up against her red skin, some even bursting and causing jets of evaporated blood to shoot out of her body in a way that resembled steam leaking from pipes. The blood vessels in Ryūko’s eyes erupted, causing her sclera to be dyed red. The inferno around Ryūko intensified to the point that they were comparable to the hottest flames of the Sun in temperature. The light Ryūko was giving off was blinding.

For so long Ryūko had not felt rage. As Ryūko learned to temper her emotions in order to keep a job, she lost the ability to properly feel certain emotions, and one of them was anger. Despite all she had to be angry about when it came to her current job and her life as it was, often she only felt sadness, revulsion, and emptiness. There was a wall keeping Ryūko’s capacity for anger away from her, but now that wall had fallen. Not only was Ryūko feeling anger over the current situation, but she was also feeling all the anger she couldn’t feel for so many years.

“What are you doing? I told you to put out your flames!” The Nui clone couldn’t look directly at Ryūko. She was about to begin squeezing Mako to get Ryūko to stand down, but she didn’t get the chance.

A glance. Ryūko glanced at the Nui clone, and that was all that was needed to kill the replica. Willpower alone reduced the fake Nui to nothing without harming Mako.

The real Nui was also reduced to nothing by Ryūko’s flames. Ryūko didn’t even bother to look at her.

Mako was about to fall now that she was free, but Ryūko caught her and landed on the pit’s edge. All the flames around Ryūko that had become a miniature star disappeared. Ryūko had returned to her normal form, her flesh turning cold as her anger faded into despair. The blood in her eyes trickled down her cheeks.

The diversion was over. Ryūko would have to go back to her normal life.

“You saved me! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Mako kissed Ryūko on the cheek. Ryūko didn’t react, she just stared absentmindedly at the mountaintops poking above blankets of clouds. Everything she saw was colored red. “Ryūko, are you okay? Are you hurt? You’re not dead, are you? Did you do the thing you see in tv shows where you die on your feet?”

“I’m not dead, at least not literally. Let’s go…home. I’m gonna have to dye my hair again.”

Chapter Text

A bowling ball plowed through ten pins. It was a strike, Satsuki’s second in a row.

Nonon clapped. She was sitting on a couch in the seating area behind the bowling lane she and Satsuki were using. Bowling was activity one of their first date.

“I never realized how satisfying bowling is.” Satsuki sat down next to Nonon, one leg crossed over the other and her hands in her lap. “I tried bowling once before by myself, and I didn’t care much for it.”

“I think bowling’s more fun in a group. By yourself the only appeal’s the anticipation you feel after you roll your ball and before you hit any pins. You can’t really get that appeal since you’re so good you just always get strikes.” Nonon got up from her seat and picked up her bowling ball from the ball return. It was an extra-light ball meant for kids given Nonon wasn’t very strong, at least not anymore. When she was at Honnōji she was surprisingly athletic, but those days were long gone.

“You may be right, though I don’t think I’m that good a bowler.”

“Says the girl who immediately got two strikes.” Nonon looked back at Satsuki as she stepped up to the lane. Nonon reared her ball back and then tossed it forward. The ball rolled right into the lane’s right gutter. “Shit!”

“Don’t worry, it’s just one gutter ball.”

“I always get gutter balls. I suck at bowling. The only way I can ever hit the pins is if I do that thing little kids do where you just place the ball on the ground and lightly push it so it slowly rolls to the pins.” Nonon grabbed her ball from the return machine.

“Do you want me to show you how I bowl?”

“It can’t hurt.”

Satsuki got up and walked over to Nonon. The two stood before the lane.

“When you start you should keep your body mostly straight. Your legs should be bent slightly. Hold your ball sitting on your palm.” Satsuki began repositioning Nonon’s body from behind. The pink haired girl felt a heat building inside herself. Having her crush touch her body all over was very intense. “Good. Hold this pose. Next you decide where to aim. Since the ball naturally curves, you shouldn’t aim straight down the middle.”

“‘Kay.” Nonon whimpered as Satsuki continued to guide her on the optimal bowling form, even moving Nonon’s body to show her how she should roll the ball.

“Okay, now try that out.” Satsuki stepped back, leaving Nonon a little hot and bothered, as well as disappointed that Satsuki stopped.

After a slow breath, Nonon did as Satsuki instructed her, rolling her ball while keeping in mind how it would hook. Nonon was like a statue as she watched her ball swerve away from one of the gutters and towards the pins.

The ball missed the frontmost pin, but rolled through some of the ones behind it. All but three pins were knocked over.

“Yeah!” Nonon jumped. “I actually hit the pins!”

“Good work.” Satsuki clapped.

“It’s thanks to you that I did it. Thank you.”

“I just gave you some advice.” Satsuki walked up to the lane, and as she passed Nonon she spoke into the small woman’s ear. “Do you want more advice like that?”

As Satsuki spoke, her breath touched Nonon’s ear. The smile on Satsuki’s face said she knew what she was doing to Nonon, and that made Nonon especially excited. Satsuki was taking this date seriously.

“I’d maybe like some more help.” Nonon stood stiff as a flagpole as she looked back over her shoulder at Satsuki. “Come on, Nonon, be sexy! Push your butt out! Seductive, Nonon! Seductive!”

“I’m happy to show you more, but first…” Satsuki readied herself to bowl, her butt sticking out as if she had psychically heard Nonon’s advice to herself.

Satsuki got another strike. The game continued with Satsuki bowling a perfect game and Nonon gradually bowling better over time. Every time Nonon stepped up to the lane, Satsuki gave her more tips and guidance, that guidance including Satsuki groping Nonon’s body and whispering into her ear. Each touch had a gentle pressure. It was so meticulous. The movements of Nonon’s body were guided by Satsuki, as if the tiny woman were a puppet on strings. Nonon was entranced by Satsuki and she liked it. She was getting worried they’d get kicked out of the bowling alley for public indecency at the rate they were going.

By the time the game was done, Nonon was ready to pass out as if she had just run a marathon. Satsuki considered Nonon’s current state as good justification to make the next stop of their date a café.

As for Satsuki’s choice of café, well it certainly signaled that she was in a cheeky mood.

Nonon and Satsuki entered the snake themed café. There were white walls with images of snakes on them along with hanging plants. The most noteworthy part of the eatery was the multiple glass boxes filled with live snakes. Upon being seated, Nonon and Satsuki were given one of the boxes which was placed between them on the table so they could admire the reddish-orange serpent inside. Both women quickly placed their orders and relaxed.

“Inumuta will have a laugh when he finds out we came here.” Nonon slurped down her iced coffee. “He’ll ask if the staff put me in one of the glass cases.”

“Apologies, this just felt too fitting.” Satsuki looked down at the snake which moved its head a bit before it began to slither around the box. “Snakes are rather cute. They're so simple looking, and the way they slink along is charming.”

“Most people are scared of snakes since they’re creepy and dangerous and stuff.” Nonon tried to sound dejected.

“Are you fishing for a veiled compliment out of my pity?”

“Whatever would make you think that?” Nonon smirked.

“Well in that case, snakes are adorable, especially the tiny ones with a lot of venom.” Satsuki rested her head on her hand, eyes meeting Nonon’s.

“You’re a lot more forward than I expected.”

“Does that bother you? Am I coming on too strong?”

“Not at all!” Nonon spoke louder than she intended. She hunched forward in her seat and watched the snake slither about its glass case. “This is honestly really great.”

“I’m glad.” Satsuki lowered her head so it was just above the table. She looked at the snake in the glass case, at least that was what Nonon initially thought, but upon inspecting where Satsuki’s eyes were actually pointed, it was clear Satsuki was looking at Nonon through the case.

Nonon didn’t know what to do, so she just waved at Satsuki.

Satsuki waved back.

“I don’t remember Satsuki ever being this playful before. Normally she’s so reserved. Why is she acting different? Is it because she likes me so I cause her to act in a way she normally doesn’t? No, we’re around each other all the time and she doesn’t act like this. It must be because we’re on a date. This is how she acts when she’s in ‘date mode’. Date mode is really hot, but in a different way to how Satsuki is normally hot. Oh, God. The gap. This is gap moe. I get what those otaku on the internet were saying now.”

A waiter approached the table with Nonon and Satsuki’s food in hand. Both women sat up straight as plates were placed in front of them.

Satsuki ordered cheese covered curry bread, while Nonon got sausages decorated to look like snakes.

“Satsuki got curry bread. Curry usually gives you bad breath. Did she not think of that when she ordered it, or does she not intend to kiss me today? Not that she has to kiss me or anything, it’s just a first date, but, y’know, it’s nice to dream. If we kiss, Satsuki’s mouth will taste like curry. I’ll need to be ready for that. I don’t wanna instinctively react to her curry mouth in a way that makes Satsuki think I don’t like kissing her. Am I overthinking this?”

Both women began to eat, conversation dying down as they both just enjoyed their meals and the atmosphere of the café, at least that’s how it seemed. In truth Nonon was in a constant panic internally as she fretted over every minor thing.

As they ate the building began to shake. Everyone assumed there was a small earthquake and didn’t dwell on it.

“Satsuki’s quiet now. Is it because we’re eating, or because she’s bored? We hang all the time though and she doesn’t get bored, unless she does! Has she been bored hanging out with me all this time? Was she only hanging out with me out of obligation or something?”

“Hey, Satsuki.” Nonon put her utensils down.

“Yes?”

“Are you having fun?”

“Of course I am. This has been delightful so far.”

“But are you really?”

Satsuki frowned.

“Why would I lie?”

“I just…I dunno. I’m just scared that you’re only pretending to be enjoying this for my sake.” Nonon poked at the last bit of her final sausage.

“Nonon, I would never lie to you about this or anything else for that matter.” The intensity of Satsuki’s voice was reminiscent of when she was young. Nonon got chills. “You are the one person I have always confided in. I trust you more than anyone else, and that includes my trust that I can be honest with you about my feelings. When I say I’m enjoying this, I mean it. I like spending time with you, and this date has been especially enjoyable.”

“I guess I gotta believe you when you say it like that.” Nonon was sweating.

“Do you want me to prove it?”

“Prove what?”

“That I’m enjoying this. That I’m enjoying you.”

“Uh-I-uh-what-I-exactly what do you mean when you say, like, prove?” Nonon leaned back into her seat, though it may have been more accurate to describe the action as Nonon retreating into the seat.

“I’ll show you.” Satsuki stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“You mean ‘where are we going?’’’

A love hotel. Nonon and Satsuki were now in a love hotel. The room they were in was very modern in its design, with blue and white walls.

“Why are we here?” Nonon shrieked.

“You waited until we were already in the room to ask that?” Satsuki crossed her arms. “I told you I’m going to prove I wasn’t lying about enjoying your company.

“This seems like a little much!” Nonon blushed. “Isn’t this a little fast?”

“If you aren’t comfortable with this, then we can leave. I suppose I’ve already proved my point.”

“I didn’t say that! I’m comfortable!”

“So you want to have sex?”

“Yes! If you want to! If you don’t and you’re only doing this to prove a point, then don’t! But, y’know, if you really wanna, then we can have sex.”

“I want to have sex too.” Satsuki’s smile and rosy cheeks made Nonon’s heart pleasantly pang.

A step. Satsuki had stepped closer.

“Holy shit, is this actually happening. Satsuki wants to have sex. We’re gonna have sex. This is real. This is really real. Are we moving too fast? I mean some people have sex early in relationships, I just wasn’t expecting Satsuki to go for that considering her trauma and everything.”

Another step. Satsuki was even closer.

“Wow, Satsuki’s so hot. I wonder how experienced Satsuki is. This isn’t my first time. I guess it depends on how much Satsuki fooled around when she was dating guys. That still would have been straight sex. Her only experience with other women was with her mom. Shit.”

A third step. Satsuki was right in front of Nonon.

“I’m worried, but I also really wanna do this. If Satsuki doesn’t want this or changes her mind or whatever then she’ll say something. Right? Maybe we shouldn’t do this. But I really wanna do this. Wait a sec, when did I get on the bed?”

Nonon was on her back. Satsuki had pushed her onto the bed and was now looking down at her. The taller girl’s arms were at the sides of Nonon’s head. It was like a cage, a cage Nonon felt comfortable inside.

The face hovering above Nonon began to lower towards her. It made sense to start all this off with a kiss. It would be Satsuki and Nonon’s first kiss with each other. First impressions were important, so Nonon double checked with her tongue that nothing was stuck in her teeth, and made sure that she wouldn’t burp or do anything gross.

So close. Satsuki’s face was only a few centimeters away.

Closer.

Closer.

Two beeps.

Both Nonon and Satsuki’s phones beeped. It wasn’t a standard notification sound. The sound signaled that both women had been sent an emergency alert.

They groaned at the same time at having their intimate moment interrupted. The fact that they had the exact same reaction simultaneously made them look at each other and laugh.

Continuing to laugh, they pulled out their phones to check the alert.

There was some kind of attack on a nearby subway. The alert wasn’t very specific, but there was a lot of damage apparently and everyone was being warned to stay away from even the streets above the subway.

What was most concerning about this news was that the subway station that was attacked was the one Ryūko worked at.

“I’m sorry.” Satsuki got off of Nonon and stood up as she called Ryūko.

“It’s fine, I understand.” Nonon couldn’t help but feel disappointed that her first kiss with Satsuki was going to be delayed, but she also wasn’t so heartless as to be upset with Satsuki considering her sister could have been hurt or worse.

After a few failed attempts at getting through to Ryūko, Satuski opted to try Mako next since she was always the first person Ryūko contacted when anything noteworthy happened. That was the correct choice as she got through on her first attempt.

Before Satsuki could even say anything, Nonon could hear a muffled avalanche of Mako’s usual babble coming from the phone.

“Mako, would you mind letting me speak to Ryūko?…Thank you.…Ryūko, what happened? Are you okay?…That’s good.…What?…She’s back?…So you killed her? You’re sure?…Did you make absolutely sure she’s gone for good this time?…Okay. I’d still like to double check.…I trust you, I just don’t want to take any risks.…She did all that in public? Of course she would. Are you really okay?…Good. And no one was hurt?…Good. You’re a good security guard. I’m proud of you.…I have to act like your big sister sometimes. Anyway, I’d like to double check that she’s gone right now. Could you come pick me up, and then Inumuta and Iori?…We’ll meet up at Shibuya Crossing; I can get there quickly if I run.…Alright.…Alright.…I’ll see you in Shibuya. Be safe.”

Satsuki hung up and headed for the door.

“I’m sorry, but there’s an emergency. We’ll finish this another time.” Satsuki grabbed the door knob and turned back to face Nonon. “I really am sorry.”

“It’s okay, go. This is an emergency.”

“Thank you. I’ll tell you everything later.” Satsuki opened the door, but then stopped short of leaving the room. “I really did have fun. This was a fun first date.”

“I had fun too.” Nonon smiled and Satsuki smiled back before she left the room.

And that was it. That was Nonon and Satsuki’s first date.

It was genuinely fun. Nonon felt blue balled at the end, but it was great up until then.

There was also a part of Nonon that was relieved that things didn’t get more intimate. There was chemistry between Nonon and Satsuki that implied that romance between them could blossom, but taking the plunge into the sexual left Nonon full of dread.

For some reason Nonon knew that once she and Satsuki got intimate, everything would go wrong.

Chapter Text

Part of Ryūko wished that more of her fight with Nui had been seen. When Nui first attacked the crowd, they all dispersed and were smart enough to not gawk too long. The same happened with the second crowd that left the train. Why did that have to be the one time people didn’t sit around filming everything on their phones? Not that their phones would have caught anything given how fast Ryūko’s and Nui were fighting, they were so fast that even the security cameras didn’t see anything. Well, it didn’t really matter; the security cameras were destroyed in the collateral of Ryūko’s and Nui’s rumble.

In the end, since the destruction was on such a large scale that there was no way anyone would think two people could cause it in a brawl, it was assumed that the damage was created by explosives. Nui was billed as a terrorist and her strange appearance was an enigma. Ryūko was praised for doing her duty as a security guard, but that was it. As for how Ryūko survived the chaos, she just said she got lucky and was outside of the blast zone when the ‘bomb’ went off. Nobody would believe Ryūko if she bothered telling the truth anyway.

Ryūko, Satsuki, Inumuta, and Iori performed a long and intricate sweep of everywhere they knew Nui had been to make sure there were no remnants of her remaining she could revive from. In the end they concluded Nui really was gone.

Given the damage to the subway, Ryūko was on vacation until it was repaired. That was the only silver lining to Nui’s attack.

Mako still had to go to work though, so Ryūko spent most of her recent days alone at home. Instead of enjoying her free time, she could only spend it dreading having to eventually go back to work. She sat on a couch, her head in her hands. Dryly sobbing, Ryūko desperately tried to think of a way she could escape her mundane life without facing negative consequences for doing so.

Like always, Ryūko couldn’t think of anything.

Ryūko rocked forward and back. The walls were closing in and the air grew thick. Hopelessness consumed Ryūko.

“I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.”

Now that Ryūko was temporarily freed from her job, she had absolutely nothing getting in the way of her facing the full brunt of her despair.

The misery Ryūko felt was born from a mundane horror, one so common that Ryūko felt guilty over just how unbearable it was for her when so many other people dealt with it without such a fuss. The lack of uniqueness in Ryūko’s suffering made her feel worse, like her problems didn’t matter. Other people were living far worse lives, so what right did Ryūko have to complain?

“I can’t keep doing this. I have to tell Mako how I feel. But what would I tell her? I’m sad? I don’t like having to do work? That I guess I’m just lazy? How could I say that to her? The worst part is that she’d think my concerns were valid. She’d drop everything and make any concession possible for me. She’d work three jobs if it meant I didn’t have to work when I don’t like to. She’s so nice.”

Both Ryūko’s legs were bouncing as she rocked her upper body more frantically than before. She couldn’t stop her tears from coming out.

The emotions inside Ryūko rampaged. She needed to do something other than sit around panicking or she’d lash out.

Ryūko was on her feet and grabbing her keys before she had time to question herself. Bursting through the front door, she scrambled to the bottom floor of the apartment complex. A rumbling was released from Ryūko’s motorcycle as she raced away on it.

Driving allowed Ryūko to focus on things other than her problems. She could be distracted by maneuvering her vehicle, following the laws of the road, and enjoying the feel of the wind against her skin.

As she began acting on autopilot, Ryūko felt something akin to peace. The universe became quiet, everything drowned out by the sound of the motorcycle’s engine.

The zen state Ryūko entered was almost euphoric. She was experiencing a waking sleep, a conscious dreaming.

Then Ryūko hit traffic and she had to stop in place. Now Ryūko had a moment to think, and thus a moment to be overcome by her worries again. The crawl that the drive became no longer served as therapeutic for Ryūko. It was getting difficult for Ryūko to focus on the road, so much so that when she did have a chance to drive more quickly, she nearly got hit by a truck as she tried to change her lane. The truck blared its horn, and Ryūko swerved back to the lane she started in. Nearly getting into a car crash made Ryūko feel even worse than she already did.

Eventually Ryūko stopped driving. She arrived at a closed off bridge that stretched across Tokyo Bay. It once led to Honnō City and Honnōji Academy. While it wasn’t legal to do so, Ryūko snuck under the bridge, parking her motorcycle next to one of the pillars holding the structure up. Ryūko walked to the edge of the water and inhaled deeply, sucking up a lot of air with her superhuman lungs.

With a jump and a dive, Ryūko entered the water before rapidly kicking her legs. Ryūko was a human torpedo that traveled parallel to the bridge. She remained underwater to not attract attention, though her great speed resulted in the surface of the entire bay becoming choppy, so it could be argued that her attempt at laying low was less than perfect. She should have swam more slowly, but she was compelled to reach her destination as quickly as possible.

Ryūko curved her path downward after a while, plunging deeper into the water. Soon Ryūko saw the ruins of a sunken island city. Buildings of varying degrees of opulence sat crumbled and shattered across the bottom of the bay. The ruins were split down the middle from Ryūko’s final attack with her Scissor Blades a decade ago. So much of Ryūko’s life was defined by events that occurred in this city.

Why did Ryūko come to this place? She couldn’t remember. Did she ever have a particular reason, or did she simply follow her instincts?

When Ryūko won her final battle against the fake Satsuki at Honnōji, she thought she had graduated and moved on from that place, but she was wrong.

Even now, Ryūko hadn't truly graduated from Honnōji Academy.

Descending to the sunken streets, Ryūko swam through them, tracing paths she once walked, often with Mako. Ryūko and Mako spent so much time together in this city. It was where they met and fell in love.

Ryūko traced her fingers across walls and the ground. Everything was eroded and muddy. Nothing felt how it used to.

The highest point of the ruins was a split mound, the remnants of the Honnōji Academy courtyard. Despite how unrecognizable it was, Ryūko was able to recall every battle she fought there as soon as she arrived. Images of those fights, echoes of Ryūko’s past enemies, overlaid with the courtyard and reenacted the battles from ten years ago.

Ryūko touched her feet to the mud as if she was standing in the courtyard before it sank below the waves. In front of her stood an imagined Satsuki, the girl wielding an unbroken Bakuzan and bearing Junketsu in its Life Fiber Override form. It was Satsuki from when she and Ryūko first fought.

The image charged at Ryūko and swung for her neck, but the blade was shattered between Ryūko’s fingers. A flick was all that was necessary to send Satsuki flying, and as it did it changed.

It became Ragyō Kiryūin who wore Junketsu and had a sewing needle-like sword in each hand.

Ragyō’s attack ended up being just as futile as Satsuki’s, Ryūko’s hand shoving into her fake mother’s chest and ripping out her heart.

Once again the image changed, this time becoming Ragyō wearing the final form of Shinra-Kōketsu. Multiple spikes of cloth thrust towards Ryūko with velocity beyond what Ryūko could evade, and with force that Ryūko could not endure.

Finally a true opponent, a challenge that couldn't be easily overcome. For a second Ryūko fell into her delusion and awaited having her body blown to pieces by her mother’s attack, but the spikes simply passed without mass through Ryūko’s body. Ragyō wasn’t really there, it was just a vivid memory stronger than the real thing that Ryūko got lost in due to her thirst for a thrill.

“I’m losing my mind. I shouldn’t have come here. What am I even doing?”

Despite positing a question, Ryūko knew why she came to the ruins. She felt the compulsion to return to the place where she spent what may have been her halcyon days, a place that made Ryūko feel truly alive.

But returning to Honnō City just made Ryūko feel worse, because it forced her to confront how impossible it was to return to her past life. Ryūko was torturing herself due to her inability to let go of the past.

She needed to leave. She kicked her legs to shoot herself back to the edge of the water, her body bursting to the surface which created waves that drenched the underside of the bridge.

Ryūko ran over to her motorcycle and drove off, heading back home in order to get away from the ruins that made her remember the life she could no longer live.

The problem was that Ryūko had just run away from her home because being stuck in her apartment left Ryūko with nothing but her dark thoughts. Both the ruins and Ryūko’s home made her feel terrible, as did every moment Ryūko spent on the road waiting at a stoplight or in traffic, every instance where she wasn’t distracted by the act of driving. No matter where Ryūko ran to, she couldn’t escape her own mind.

“I need Mako.”

The Sun had set. Mako would have been home from work at this point.

By the time Ryūko got home, she had a feral way about her movements. Her limbs whipped about as she went up the stairs to the floor her apartment was on. Her breathing was ragged and not from exhaustion.

Ryūko opened her apartment’s door.

“Hey, Ryūkooooooooooo! Where’d you go-wah!” When Mako launched out of the doorway to embrace her beloved like she usually did, she was met with a hug from Ryūko who ran at her. The two women hit the ground, Ryūko holding Mako tight and nuzzling her face into the crook of her lover’s neck. Ryūko’s body was still wet and salty from the bay, so now Mako was getting damp from Ryūko’s embrace. “Is it sexy time? Are we having sexy time in the doorway? With the door open?”

“I need to hold you right now.” Ryūko’s voice was uneven.

“Wuh? Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I’ll tell you later. I just need to hold you for a while. Okay?” Ryūko was shaking.

A brief pause. Ryūko sharply inhaled as she worried about what Mako might have been thinking, that Mako might insist that Ryūko spill her guts about whatever was upsetting her immediately.

“Take however long you need.” Even if Ryūko couldn’t see her face at that moment, it was clear Mako was smiling.

“Thanks.”

Ryūko carried Mako into their home and onto a couch. They held each other tight as they reclined on their sides, Ryūko just letting herself enjoy Mako’s touch as she was sandwiched between the back of the couch and her beloved. Neither woman spoke, instead they embraced the silence and the peace born from being in the arms of the one you loved most. It didn’t truly make Ryūko feel good, but it was a salve for her melancholy.

Her anxieties remained, and she had a new anxiety since she had to tell Mako later about what was wrong. Should Ryūko be honest? Ryūko knew what would happen if she was honest, and that was why she had been avoiding admitting that she felt like she was dying inside.

The couch was getting wet since Ryūko still had yet to shower after her dip in the Tokyo Bay. Hopefully the briny smell would come out, otherwise the couch might get unbearable to sit on. Ryūko really had a knack for ruining things, and that was why she didn’t want to involve Mako in her inner turmoil.

But it was too late to run. Ryūko had revealed that something was wrong. Would a lie work? Could she just make up a dumb and easily fixable reason for Ryūko’s current sadness? Maybe. It all depended on Mako. She hadn’t noticed Ryūko’s depression before now, or at least she never commented on it. Perhaps she did know, but then why didn’t she say anything? Did she not care? That was impossible. Mako was the biggest sweetheart Ryūko knew, she would never just ignore Ryūko’s misery. There was no way that Mako already knew in that case.

That didn’t mean Mako wouldn’t see through a lie from Ryūko now that it was established clearly that there was something wrong. Now that Mako had been prompted to be more aware, there was no sneaking the truth past her.

Ryūko knew she couldn’t run anymore, she couldn’t endure anymore.

It was time to just tell the truth and take things one step at a time from there.

“Mako.”

“Yes, Ryūko?”

“I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time.”

“Really?” Mako didn’t speak with her usual energy. Ryūko expected Mako to be bouncing around the room in a panic at hearing Ryūko wasn’t happy. Instead she was just…listening…waiting. “Why?”

“I think I have depression or something. Every day just feels…empty. I go do a job I hate and I barely have any free time anymore. When I do have free time I just spend it dreading having to go back to work. But I can’t quit or anything, we both need to make money to live half-decently. I used to get angry when I got yelled at during work, but now I just feel scared that I might get fired.”

“You could get another job.”

“Are there even any other jobs left I could try? I’m too stupid to actually be good at anything. I’m not smart like you. You’ve always been good at normal kinds of work, like when you ran the fight club back in the day. I just know how to hit things.”

“You’re good at other stuff.”

“Like what?”

“You’re good at rescuing me.”

“I don’t think I could make a career out of that. In the end the problem really isn’t the specific job, it’s that I have to work at all, and I know that sounds super dumb and entitled. How could I be upset that I have to work for a living? There are people who’d kill to have a job like mine, one where they can make enough money to buy food whenever they’re hungry. What’s wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with what I have? Why can’t I be appreciative?”

“You’re depressed, and being depressed is, like, a brain disease. It’s not that there’s something wrong with you as a person, you just have a sickness. When you're sick you go to the doctor, so you should go to a doctor.”

“You mean a psychiatrist or whatever?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know if that would work for me. I doubt I’d jive with anyone trying to unravel how my brain works, and I don’t know if any medications would even work on me since I’m a weird Life Fiber person.”

“It’s worth a shot though.”

“I guess so.”

‘You should also keep looking for a new job.”

“But there’s no job that could make me happy.”

“You don’t know that. Your dream job might be right around the corner. Even if it takes years to find it, you should still look for it.”

“I don’t even know if I’d have time to look for a job, get psychiatric help, and also keep working as a security guard. I barely have any free time as it is. If I did figure out how to fit everything in, I’d have to sacrifice spending time with you, and moments like this with you are the only reason I haven’t lost it completely yet.”

“You could take a leave of absence from work, that would give you some extra time.”

“I doubt they’d let me do that with my track record at work. I’m already on thin ice and we’re currently on a forced break right now because of the crap Nui did. Once the subway’s up and running again, they aren’t gonna give me a break in a long time.”

“Then maybe you should just quit. I can support us both if I pull extra shifts.”

“No you can't, and even if you could I don’t want you to suffer for my sake.”

“We could get a loan, or we could ask some of our friends for help.”

“Getting a loan would cause more problems in the long run, and I don’t want to drag the other people in our lives into this.”

“We could ask if we could move back in with my parents in exchange for helping to pay their bills.”

“I don’t want to inconvenience them, especially after they took care of me for so long with no charge when I was basically a stranger.”

“You wouldn’t be inconveniencing them, they love you! Plus dad would be extra happy to have someone helping with the bills.”

“That’s true.”

“So let's ask them!”

“…Okay.”

“Great!” Mako put her hand on the back of Ryūko’s head and began petting her. “We’ll figure this out.”

“I’m sorry, Mako. I’m ruining everything.” Ryūko wasn’t sure when she began crying.

“No you’re not. I want to know when you’re facing problems so I can help you. It would hurt me way worse if you kept pretending things were fine when they weren’t. You’re allowed to not be happy and to say you aren’t.”

“…Thanks, Mako.”

“You’re welcome!”

“I love you, Mako.”

“I love you too, Ryūko.”

Despite Ryūko having little faith that things would work out, some of the tension in her was released. Her body was so loose it was like she had turned liquid.

Sleep stole upon her in seconds.

Ryūko dreamed of nothing in particular.

Chapter Text

“I can’t believe that guy, he just couldn’t take a hint.” Nonon grinned as she was wrapped around one of Satsuki’s arms. They were walking back to Nonon’s house after a night out on the town. Nonon was wearing a long black evening gown with an open back, her hair down.

“He didn’t understand at all when you said you were on a date already.” Satsuki was smiling just like Nonon was. She had a white cocktail dress on with thin strings holding it up.

“He was like ‘with who?’ Then when we told him we were together, he was all ‘come on, really?’ and was throwing his head back and crap. He really thought I was just playing hard to get.” Her manner of speech along with the pink in her cheeks revealed Nonon was still a little tipsy from doing some bar hopping earlier, though she had mostly returned to sobriety. Meanwhile Satsuki seemed unfazed no matter how much alcohol she ingested.

“Thankfully the bouncer was there when he started getting forceful, not that I couldn’t have stopped him myself.”

“That jackass was lucky the bouncer stepped in or you would have broken his skull.”

“I wouldn’t have gone that far. Throwing him across the bar would have been satisfactory.”

“Now I wish the bouncer didn’t show up.” Nonon giggled.

“I’d never let anyone take you away, you’re mine after all.”

The pair arrived at Nonon’s front door, the short woman fishing in her handbag for her keys.

“Do you wanna come in?”

“I’d love to.”

Nonon opened the door and stepped aside so Satsuki could enter first. The two girls entered Nonon’s home which felt especially cozy after a whole day spent out in the city.

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“No thank you, I’m not thirsty.” Satsuki’s face twitched for a second. “By the way, I have a question to ask.”

“What is it?” Nonon tensed up.

“I just felt like I should ask this now so expectations are clear. Do you want to continue where we left off last time?”

“What do you mean?” Nonon knew what Satsuki meant.

“Do you want to have sex?”

Nonon’s body suddenly felt heavier.

“Well do you wanna have sex?” Nonon parroted.

“I would like to, but only if you do.”

At first Nonon tried to think of a way to avoid having to give a direct answer, or at least stall for time, but nothing came to her.

Nonon wanted to have sex with Satsuki, really badly in fact, but she was still uncertain of how it would go if they did. There was an ever present bad feeling that Nonon had whenever she considered having sex with Satsuki. And yet…

“I wanna have sex.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. If I’m being honest, I’ve been dying to have sex with you, and I’ve felt pretty pent up lately, and that’s with me masturbating frequently. Whenever I think of you, it really gets me going.” Nonon’s filter faded away as she continued to talk.

“I’m flattered to hear I have that effect on you.” Satsuki walked up close to Nonon, her hand stroking Nonon’s cheek. The touch made the short woman get goosebumps. “Do you want to do it right now, or would you like to prepare?”

“Right now, please.” Nonon squeaked.

“Where would you like to do it?” Satsuki’s face got close, her voice breathy.

“I, uh, I-I’m not sure. My bedroom’s cramped because of all my stuffed animals. We could try the couch, but it might be a little awkward if we d-did it there, especially for our first time. I guess we could make some room in my…room.” Nonon could hear her own heartbeat.

“That sounds good.”

Suddenly Nonon was no longer on her feet. She had been scooped up by Satsuki who held her in a bridal carry.

“I see.” That was all Nonon could say as she turned red. Looking up at the smiling Satsuki, Nonon felt a sense of safety as well as possession. It was like she was Satsuki’s and Satsuki’s alone, and she liked that. Nonon’s arms wrapped around the back of Satsuki’s neck.

Satsuki carried Nonon into the bedroom, placing the shorter woman down onto the bed. Nonon looked around at all the stuffed animals on the bed and immediately started pushing them all onto the floor.

As Nonon cleared space, Satsuki got onto the bed, looming over Nonon with her arms at the sides of the shorter woman’s head. It was the exact position they were in when they last tried to have sex. They really were picking up where they left off.

Nonon curved her torso, crossed her legs, and fluttered her lashes in an attempt to be sexy. While Nonon couldn’t tell if she was coming off as sexy, she was definitely feeling silly.

“Ready?” Satsuki’s eyes pierced into Nonon’s.

“Ready.” Nonon swallowed some spit.

Closer. Satsuki’s face came closer. It was lowering towards Nonon’s. A part of Nonon wanted to turn her face away, to avoid having to follow through with this moment. She anticipated an interruption like the phone alert last time, but there were no signs that such an intrusion would come. Nonon couldn’t run away, that would hurt Satsuki, and Nonon herself wanted to make love to Satsuki.

Centimeters separated Nonon and Satsuki’s lips, and soon the gap consisted of mere millimeters. Nonon’s jaw quivered.

Their lips connected. They were kissing. This was really happening.

Nonon felt Satsuki’s soft lips. Their bodies were connected. Kissing was such a simple action, and yet Nonon felt so much as she kissed Satsuki. Her first feeling was shock at the fact that Satsuki was really kissing her. Following shock was catharsis at finally kissing Satsuki after fantasizing about doing so for over a decade. Next was bliss because kissing Satsuki felt so good.

Kissing turned to making out as Satsuki pushed her tongue into Nonon’s mouth. Heat built up between Nonon’s legs and she became more sloppy as she tried caressing Satsuki’s tongue with her own. She wanted to try and use technique to ensure Satsuki would enjoy this, but Nonon was too drunk on her own lust and passion to be precise.

Satsuki pulled her head away, and Nonon tried to reach her head forward to close the distance and continue making out, her tongue lolling out of her mouth in need.

“How do you want me to fuck you?” The smile on Satsuki’s face as she slowly spoke those words made Nonon nearly squeal. So many of Nonon’s fantasies came to her mind. Would Satsuki really do whatever she asked? In that case, which of the scenarios she came up with should she choose? Which was her favorite? Which would be a good baseline for their first time?

“I wanna be able to see your face since it’s our first time.”

“In that case how about fingering?”

“That sounds good.”

Both girls undressed quickly, Nonon trying to come off as sensual in how she did it to arouse Satsuki.

What came next was ecstasy. Satsuki’s hand teased Nonon’s crotch before slowly penetrating. Each individual finger carefully caressed Nonon’s folds and clitoris. It was all so precise. Nonon was left drooling and curving her back to the limit. Every inch of the shorter woman’s body solidified in response to the pleasure, it was like she was being frozen by the all-encompassing joy that left her trapped in a block of euphoria.

This was what Nonon had wanted for so long. It was so wonderful that Nonon was struggling to believe she wasn’t dreaming, but the pleasure was too great to be something she imagined. She actually started to tear up a bit from how overwhelming it was to have Satsuki really have sex with her.

Nonon looked up at Satsuki who was still smiling, but it wasn’t a smile of sexual pleasure. Well, perhaps it was, but it wasn’t one of arousal in the traditional sense. The closest expression Nonon could liken it to was the way Satsuki grinned when she was the student council president of Honnōji Academy and acted as a tyrant to make sure her mother wouldn’t suspect she was planning to double cross her. Actually it really resembled how Ragyō would smirk. It was scary yet exciting.

Currently Nonon wasn’t participating much in the sex beyond thrusting her hips into Satsuki’s hand. Nonon didn’t want to just receive, she wanted to make sure Satsuki got pleasured too.

“Satsuki.” Nonon exhaled. “I want you to feel good too.”

“I’m already feeling good.” Satsuki’s fingering became a little rougher.

“Are you sure? If you don’t wanna be fingered then…” Nonon bent her knee so it was raised and her shin was right next to Satsuki’s groin. “I can just push this into your pussy. You can grind into it. Actually, I can do the movement myself since you’re already focused on fingering me.”

“No, thank you. I want to do the fucking, not get fucked.” There was a harshness in how Satsuki spoke as her fingers continued to be more forceful.

“O-Okay.” Nonon inhaled sharply through her teeth. “Can you be a little softer?”

Satsuki didn’t respond.

The sex continued, or rather, Satsuki continued to fuck Nonon.

Despite Satsuki not communicating much, Nonon couldn’t complain as everything Satsuki did made her feel amazing. The way Satsuki played with Nonon’s breasts made the shorter woman groan out like an animal. Each one of Satsuki’s touches had a purpose, it was as if she was playing Nonon like an instrument, using Nonon’s erogenous zones to create a song of her moans. At this point Nonon had orgasmed multiple times, but Satsuki never let up, she kept on playing with Nonon.

It was starting to hurt as Nonon’s body grew raw. While she was still enjoying the sex, Nonon wasn’t fond of the pain. Nonon wanted to keep going, but Satsuki wasn’t giving Nonon any breaks to recover.

“Satsuki, can we stop for a sec. I need a break.”

“You get a break when I say so.”

“No, seriously, we gotta pause for a bit. It hurts.”

“Just a little longer.” Satsuki wasn’t looking Nonon in the eye anymore. She was looking at Nonon’s body as a whole, like it was all just one thing she was having fun with. Right now Satsuki was looking at Nonon like an object and not a person.

“Please, Satsuki!” Nonon winced in pain.

A sharp inhale came through Satsuki’s teeth and she pulled her hands away from Nonon. Satsuki was shaking while her teeth grit.

Nonon was splayed out on the bed, her body drenched in sweat. Echoes of Satsuki’s touch and the pleasure that accompanied it left Nonon reeling. At the same time she felt like she had just gotten the beating of her life. She couldn’t even move.

Satsuki sat at the edge of the bed, facing away from Nonon.

“I’m sorry.” Satsuki sounded frustrated, but Nonon couldn’t tell what she was specifically frustrated about.

“It’s okay, you got lost in the moment, I get it. I just need a break. It was starting to hurt too much since you just kept going and going. Besides that you were amazing. That was the best sex of my life.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Satsuki? Is something wrong?” Nonon looked towards Satsuki who was gripping her knees tightly.

“I went too far. You were asking me to stop, but I wouldn’t.”

“You did in the end. You probably just didn’t really process that I was serious.”

“That isn’t an excuse.” Satsuki put her hand on her face. “This is what I worried would happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“I…” Satsuki’s body hunched forward. “At first I was worried that entering a relationship with another woman would cause me to have flashbacks to what my mother did to me, and I can’t say there were no moments where I was slightly triggered, but it was never anything I couldn’t handle. The real issue is something even worse. I started acting like my mother.”

“How were you acting like your mother? If you mean being sexually abusive, you didn’t force me to have sex with you. The only thing you did wrong was ignore me telling you to stop briefly, like, for less than five seconds. You made a bad decision and the fact you’re upset about it proves you know you need to improve and want to do so. That’s more than your mother would ever even think of doing.”

“It’s not just that. The reason my mother molested me was because she wanted to possess and control me, it was an assertion of dominance. She wanted to prove she could fuck me and that I couldn’t do anything to stop her. All throughout us having sex, and even before then when we went on dates, I was constantly looking at how you were infatuated with me, and how you’d do what I’d say so easily, and that made me feel good. It made me feel like I owned you, that you were mine and nobody else’s.”

“Most people feel a little possessive of who they’re in a romantic relationship with.”

“But it wasn't just possessiveness, it was a sense of ownership. I subconsciously felt like you were my property. That’s exactly how my mother would think.”

“It wasn’t like you were telling me I had to do what you said or anything, right?”

“That’s true.” Satsuki’s grip on her face loosened.

“You might have some dark thoughts, but you didn’t act on them in any way. You didn’t even have sex with me until I consented, and you double checked that I was really sure I wanted to have sex with you. I understand that you’re worried you might be like your mom, it makes sense that you would be, but you aren’t like her. If she was in your shoes, she would have probably forced me into a closet and fucked me after we went to the bowling alley on our first date.”

“You’re right.”

“So don’t beat yourself up about this, as long as you’re conscious of what you're thinking and how you act, everything will be fine.” Nonon gathered her strength into her arms and neck so she could push herself up into a sitting position. “I trust you, Satsuki. I trust you more than anyone else. I…I love you, Satsuki.”

Satsuki sat up straight again and turned to face Nonon. The way Satsuki’s face creased and stretched wide, it was a look that Nonon had never seen before on Satsuki.

“I love you too, Nonon, but that’s why I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to be in a relationship. Like you said, as long as I keep a leash on my urges, then things will be fine, but what if they slip free? They did when we had sex just now, and it could happen again. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m okay with risking getting hurt as long as I get to be with you!” Nonon felt panic surge through her entire being as soon as Satsuki said she didn’t think they should be in a relationship.

“You might be okay with risking it, but I’m not. There’s no way I could forgive myself for seriously hurting you. I already hurt you, you said so yourself.”

“I’m just a little raw from getting fingered for so long, it’s not a big deal! None of this is a big deal! I mean, not that your trauma isn’t a big deal, it’s important to acknowledge what you went through and be careful and everything, but my point is, uh, I just…please, I’ve never been happier than when we’ve been together lately! I don’t want this to end!”

“I know. I know. But…I’m just scared. I can’t end up like my mother. I can’t risk it. I’m sorry.” Satsuki turned away again.

“Please, we can figure this out! If the problem is having sex, then we can just never have sex again! I’m fine with that! I love you for who you are, not your body! We don’t even have to kiss or touch each other, as long as I can be with you, then I don’t care!” Nonon was filled with ardor that let her move as if she hadn’t been drained of all energy mere moments ago. She crawled over to Satsuki and reached to touch her back, but then her hand stopped short of making contact. “Satsuki, I want to be yours.”

“I’m sorry, Nonon. I just can’t do this.” Satsuki’s voice was weak.

After finally making love with Satsuki, something Nonon always dreamed of, she was now being rejected. No, Nonon wasn’t being rejected, Satsuki was rejecting herself. Nonon understood Satsuki’s concerns, she accepted those concerns, but it still hurt to be told that they couldn’t be together.

Nonon began to cry silently. She curled into a ball, clutching the sheets of her bed as she lost her long held dream.

That was the end of Nonon and Satsuki’s first time making love.

Chapter Text

In the back alleys of Tokyo sat a wooden shack that looked to be on the brink of collapse, and yet most of the house's occupants were far from dour as they enjoyed their first meal of the day.

“It’s so good to have you two back home! It feels like old times, and having some help with the bills sure don’t hurt either!” A large bespectacled man with graying hair was sitting in his underwear, scarfing down as much of his wife’s cooking as he could. He was Barazō, the father of Mako Mankanshoku and patriarch of the Mankanshoku household. “Mataro, why don’t you help with the bills too? Where’s this month’s rent, and last month’s, and month before that’s? You’re old enough to get a job, so get one!”

“I ain’t got time for normie jobs, I’m too busy working on schemes to hit it big! Just you wait, we’re gonna be rolling in dough.” Mako’s younger brother was just as voracious as his father. He was a scrawny man who wore a cheap suit. “This guy I met online told me that if I buy in early for-”

“The last time you bought into some scam, it was you who got scammed! We had to sell half the house to make up for the losses! Also half your organs.”

“Trust me, I’m tight with the guy setting this whole scam up.”

“That’s what you said last time!”

“Oh, quit fighting, you two. Mako and Ryūko are back after so long, they don’t want to hear you two argue.” The silver haired woman who spoke was Sukuyo, the mother of Mako and Mataro. She scooped a plentiful helping of rice into a bowl. “Here you go, sweetie.”

“Thanks, mom!” Mako took the bowl and inhaled its contents.

“Ryūko, would you like some more too?”

“No, thank you.” Ryūko sat at the table with her laptop, scrolling through multiple different employment websites for any job listings she wanted to apply to. Well, whether she wanted to do any of the jobs was the least of her issues given she didn’t have any chance of getting most of them anyway. “Why do these companies list jobs as entry level in the title, but then the requirements say you need multiple years of experience in the field? That isn’t entry level.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll find the right job eventually.” Mako’s positivity didn’t make Ryūko feel better, in fact, it was starting to make her feel worse.

“I don’t even know what the right job is. No matter how hard I think or how much research I do, I can’t even find a type of job that I’d be able to get, be good at, enjoy doing, and make decent money doing.” The series of walls that had to be scaled made job hunting a despair-inducing affair that left Ryūko with her forehead on the table.

“See, getting a job is impossible, so there’s no reason for me to bother.” Mataro snickered, and then Mako hit him upside the head. While Mataro was incapacitated, the Mankanshoku family’s wrinkly old pug, Guts, began digging into Mataro’s meal.

“Maybe you should take a break. Can’t go driving yourself crazy,” Barazō said.

“But I have nothing else to do. I feel guilty whenever I’m not doing something to try and get a new job.” Ryūko rolled her head from side to side on the table. “It’s either look for jobs, or sit around with my thumb up my ass.”

“Ryūko, when’s the next time you can take your pills?” Mako’s question referred to the medication Ryūko had been prescribed by her psychiatrist to help with her depression and other mental hang-ups, of which there were too many to list. While Mako certainly asked that question out of concern for Ryūko’s mental state, the depressed woman couldn’t help but partially interpret Mako’s question as an implication that Ryūko was being bothersome due to her current despairing, and that she’d be more tolerable if she was medicated. Ryūko knew that wasn’t what Mako meant to imply, and Mako probably didn’t even feel Ryūko was being annoying at all, but that didn’t stop Ryūko from feeling a sting that made her wince.

“I already took my morning pills, so it’ll be a while before I can take them again.”

“How have those pills been working for ya?” Mako’s dad continued to stuff his face.

“They’ve helped a little, but not a whole lot. Same with talking to the psychiatrist. It’s doing what it’s supposed to, but the progress is so slow,” Ryūko droned.

“Slow and steady wins the race. As long as you're patient, things will work out.” Mako’s mom was as positive as Mako herself, and just like with Mako, the optimism only made Ryūko more upset.

“I don’t have time for slow and steady. If I don’t get my shit in order soon, then we’re gonna have a problem. It won't matter if I get my dream job if my mental bullshit makes me unable to do it without having a breakdown.”

There was no direct response to that. Instead, everyone continued with breakfast, bantering as usual. What else could they do? It wasn’t like they could provide anything that could help Ryūko at this point.

“Oh! I gotta go to work!” Mako began bouncing around the room so fast it looked like she was in multiple places at once. She kissed Ryūko on the cheek before zooming out the door, her voice trailing behind her body. “I’ll be back! Love you!”

“She really never changes.” While the comment Mako’s mother made was meant to be nice, it bothered Ryūko.

“Mako hasn’t changed. I’ve changed. Is it good that I changed? Would it have been better if I hadn’t? Have I changed? Why is this bothering me? Because I wish nothing had changed. I wish we were back at school. I’m jealous of Mako. Why didn’t she change? What’s different between her and me? We both went through the same experiences, so why can Mako move on when I can’t? I should ask Mako. Will I remember to ask by the time she gets back home, or will I be too busy feeling sorry for myself at that point?”

Suddenly, Ryūko snapped back to reality. For the last half hour, she had been staring at her laptop screen, not actually applying to any jobs. She hadn’t even been scrolling.

Ryūko felt disgusted with herself. She was slacking. Why couldn’t she just focus? Did she have ADHD? Yet another thing to ask her psychiatrist about. There was always some new problem to talk about.

Despite attempting to refocus and continue job hunting online, Ryūko’s mind kept wandering. As soon as she began reading a new job listing, she’d latch on to some small detail which would be the catalyst for a mental tangent that would burn away several minutes. Then, upon realizing she had gotten distracted, Ryūko would wallow in guilt for another few minutes before attempting to get back on track. This cycle repeated for an hour and a half.

“I can’t.” Ryūko rubbed her face. “I can’t do this. Why can’t I do this?”

Ryūko accepted she was wasting time and shut her laptop. She needed a break, even if taking one made her feel like she was being lazy.

“I’m gonna take a nap.” Ryūko crawled over to her futon and lied down over the covers.

“Okay, Ryūko. We’ll make sure to be quiet,” Sukuyo said while scrubbing some clothes. That made Ryūko remember the first time Senketsu got cleaned. At first he was freaking out, but then he changed his tune when he started getting ironed.

“I miss you, Senketsu.” Ryūko set a timer for thirty minutes on her phone before placing it right next to her head.

When Ryūko closed her eyes, she felt her mind get immediately pulled into sleep. She hadn’t been sleeping well lately due to her anxiety.

The dreamland Ryūko ended up in was a replica of Honnōji Academy at night, back before it was destroyed. Ryūko’s body, back in its teenaged form, was wrapped in Life Fibers, almost none of her appearance beneath showing through. Those threads stretched down to the school, attaching to the courtyard where Ryūko would have fights every day, and to the top of the tall tower where Satsuki would often perch herself. It was thanks to those tethers that Ryūko didn’t fall upward into the starless night sky.

Ryūko looked at her own body from the outside, as if she were looking at a different person.

It didn’t take a genius to decipher the symbolic meaning of this dream.

All Ryūko felt was frustration. This dream wasn’t telling her anything new; all it did was rub in just how much Ryūko couldn’t stop thinking about the same few things.

Ryūko wanted to punch herself, but she couldn’t, for she had no body. Instead she just stared daggers at her tied up form.

“Why can’t I just get my shit together and move on? Why?” Ryūko’s voice was a deep rasp. “I’m so stupid! What’s my problem? Why can’t I just figure out how to fix this? Why can’t I fix myself?”

“Are you broken?”

That voice.

Ryūko’s thoughts froze.

“Senketsu?” Ryūko couldn’t see Senketsu, but that was his voice that had spoken just a moment ago.

“I’m just a dream, but I’m here.”

“Why? I never dream of you. I’m too ashamed to.”

“And what do you have to be ashamed about?”

“I haven’t been wearing cute clothes like I promised you I would. I’ve been too busy with working and failing to sort my shit out. This isn’t what you wanted me to be.” Ryūko kept staring at her bound self.

“I just wanted you to be happy, to move on from me and do your best.”

“But I haven’t done that, any of that, I’ve just been miserable, and stuck in the past, and lazy, and I’ve been making my problems into other people’s problems, and I’m just shit!”

“I understand you’re upset, but blaming yourself like this doesn’t achieve anything. You need to accept that you’re in the situation you’re in, and then focus on doing what you can to fix things.”

“I’ve tried doing that, but I can’t even manage to look for a job without my mind wandering back to this fucking school! Over and over this stupid school keeps appearing in my head, because it was the one place where I felt alive! I wanna be alive! I’m a piece of shit who wants to be alive, even if it ruins the lives of those around me!”

“If that were the case, then you would have abandoned Mako a long time ago. The fact that you feel guilty about these thoughts you have proves you are self-aware and want to improve, and you’re putting in the effort. You just need to be patient and accept things as they are. You have to accept yourself.”

“I know! You think I don’t know! I got all that, but it’s a lot easier said than done! This is so fucking annoying! I know what I gotta do, and I’m trying to do it, but I can’t for some reason! I know I gotta move on from the past! I know I gotta accept what my life is! I know I gotta just do what I can to fix things! I know I gotta stop rejecting myself! I fucking know! But I just can’t! Why? Why? What’s getting in the way? Can I just not do it? Do I not want to? Am I hoping somehow things will just go back to how they used to be? Am I crazy? Is that it? Have I finally gone crazy? Maybe that’s it. I’m just too far gone.”

The school below grew larger, as did the night sky above.

“Ryūko, I know that everything you’re dealing with feels like so much, and it is, but it isn’t too much. All you need to do is be patient and take everything one step at a time. It’s okay if progress is slow, it’s okay if it takes years. There’s no end goal, and though that means there’s no point where you can finally stop, that also means there’s no limit to how much you can improve yourself. You can always become even better.”

“Can I? How? Nothing I’m doing is working?”

“It is working, the progress is just slow.”

“But I need to get better now! I have to get a new job, otherwise I’ll be a burden on Mako! She doesn’t deserve to suffer because of me!”

“All you can do is the best you can. If Mako truly loves you and accepts you, then she’ll stand by you through this. If not, then you simply aren’t meant for each other, or perhaps it would be better to say that you wouldn’t be ready for each other yet.”

“But I need Mako! I can’t get through this on my own! Mako’s the only reason I haven’t given up!”

“You want to be with Mako, because she’s your rock, but you also don’t want to be with her, because you might cause her pain.”

“Yes.”

The school and the night were both getting closer.

Ryūko waited for the imagined Senketsu’s response, the answer to her impossible problem.

What would the solution be?

“I can’t give you a magic answer to your problems, Ryūko. In the end, there is no answer other than doing the best you can. Your battle is one you’ll have to fight for the rest of your life. You’ll be faced with impossible choices repeatedly. That’s how life is. You know that, because I’m you.”

That wasn't what Ryūko wanted to hear, but she knew Senketsu spoke the truth, and she didn’t like it.

“Can’t I pretend in my dreams that everything will fix itself? Can’t I even do that?”

Ryūko was crushed between the school and the sky.

She opened her eyes. She was awake. Her body felt stiff. Her head turned to her phone which hadn’t gone off. It wasn’t her alarm that returned Ryūko to consciousness; she woke up naturally.

At first Ryūko thought she had woken up before her alarm had gone off, but then looked out a window and saw the darkness of night. It had been morning when Ryūko went to sleep. She grabbed her phone and checked the alarm she thought she had set.

She had misclicked, accidentally leaving the alarm off.

She had slept through the whole day. Instead of spending her time looking for jobs, or working on her mental health through meditation, or doing anything productive, Ryūko had slept.

“Fuck!” Ryūko rose to her feet so fast that she became dizzy.

“Are you okay?” Mako’s father said as he stuffed his mouth with croquettes.

“Ryūko, you’re awake! We’re having dinner! I bet you’re hungry!” Mako waved at her beloved Ryūko who was currently less than a foot away. The Mankanshoku family was having dinner. A portion of food had been set aside for Ryūko, said food being within a locked metal cage so nobody would steal it. “Mom made-”

“Why didn’t any of you wake me?” Ryūko yelled and everyone’s attention left the food.

“You looked like you needed the rest, honestly.” Mako’s mother said as she placed her hand on her cheek. “We know you haven’t been sleeping well lately, so we figured you needed to catch up.”

“You can’t focus without sleep. Trust me, I’m a doctor.” Mako’s father said.

“But I need to keep job hunting! I was gonna go door to door to some businesses today and ask if they had any openings! Now I’ll have to do it tomorrow!” The beating of Ryūko’s heart became so loud she could hear it.

“What’s the big deal? You missed one day, it ain’t the end of the world.” Mataro kept on eating.

“But I need to find a job! I can't waste time!”

“Ryūko, you don’t need to rush. The point is for you to find a job you’d be happy doing, not quickly find any job you can.” Mako’s facial features drooped down.

“But we need more money! We can’t live like we are right now forever!” Ryūko’s breathing became irregular.

“Yeah, but we have time. Rushing into a new job will just lead to the same problems you had as a security guard.” Mako shot to her feet, a smile returning to her face. “How about we go out somewhere tomorrow? We’ll take your mind off of things! Then you can return to job hunting completely refreshed!”

“Mako, I don’t have time! I need to make up for sleeping through today!”

“But you need to relax.” Mako sweated a bit before bouncing back to full cheeriness. “Listen, we can spend the whole day together tomorrow and consider it a date! We haven’t gone on a date in a long time! Come on, Ryūko, it'll be fun!”

“I don’t need to have fun, I need to get a job and get my shit together!”

“You will, but you just gotta be patient! Everything will work out eventually, just-”

“Stop saying things will work out!” Ryūko screamed at the very top of her lungs. Mako froze in place, her expression becoming dour. Everyone was silent. “Quit being so positive! It isn’t helping! Let me be upset! Let me be frustrated! The situation we’re in is shit and it’s because of me! Am I just supposed to forget that? Am I supposed to not care? Just-I don’t-I don’t-I-I don’t know, this just sucks! Everything is terrible and it’s my fault, and yet you’re acting like everything’s fine! It’s making me feel like I’m crazy! I’m sitting around, going crazy, and everyone around me is acting normal! I feel like I’m completely alone! I-I-I don’t know what to do, and you’re not helping! All you're doing is making me feel worse! You’re making me miserable! You’re making me hate everything! So, stop telling me things are gonna be okay, because they’re not! We’re fucked!”

Ryūko only stopped her ranting because she was completely out of breath. Her body hunched forward, her eyes closed as she recovered from her outburst. The only sound was her own wheezing and the thumping of her heart.

Nobody said anything. The silence dragged on and on. Ryūko didn’t look up, or even open her eyes.

A sniffle.

“I’m sorry.” Mako said in a quavering voice. “I’ll leave you alone.”

Ryūko peeled open her eyes only to see a teardrop hit the tatami. She shot her head upward to see Mako’s face, but she had already turned away.

Mako sped out of the room, whimpering out another ‘I’m sorry’ before she was gone.

Her mother chased after her. Mataro, Barazō, and Guts sat in stunned silence.

Ryūko wanted to run after Mako, but her legs wouldn’t move. Even if she did go to Mako, she’d have no idea of what to say.

It stayed quiet in the Mankanshoku household for the rest of the night, and the morning after.

Chapter Text

Nonon stared at the wall next to her bed, her eyes barely open and her mouth agape. It had been a week since she last showered. Her hair was a mess and her clothes were covered in stains as she was prone atop her bed. Stuffed animals formed walls around Nonon.

Satsuki, out of the fear that she might become an abuser like her mother, had decided that she and Nonon couldn’t be together. After waiting for so long, after finally getting a taste of what it would be like to be in a relationship with Satuski, and learning it was even sweeter than she imagined, Nonon had her dream ripped away from her.

Ever since then, Nonon had felt like a zombie. She was empty, drained of all energy or emotion beyond a dull, droning sadness. Nonon couldn’t bring herself to go to work, or eat, or even get up for the last day and a half. There was no spark inside Nonon to get her moving. Falling off cloud nine and crashing into a sea of hollowness left her unsure of how to move forward. No longer could she remember why she would get up every morning before she started dating Satsuki.

“Was it Satsuki? Was it always Satsuki? Ever since we were in kindergarten, we were always together. She was always what I was thinking about. She was always who I was trying to impress. Who am I without Satsuki? Do I even know that? Even after we stopped the Life Fibers, we always spent time together. Satsuki’s always been my reason for being. I really am nothing without her.”

A whim got Nonon’s body moving, despite the stiffness of her limbs and the pain in her chest. She reached over the barricade of stuffed animals and grabbed her phone off of her nightstand. Receding into the confines of her fort, Nonon tapped her phone a few times, starting one of her favorite music playlists.

Booming throughout the tiny room was Antonín Dvořák’s Symphony No. 9 in E minor. It was an intense orchestral piece that brought to mind a grand battle that spanned the whole world, and the bittersweet triumph at the end of the conflict. This was the kind of symphony that got the heart pumping to such a degree that most heavy metal music paled in comparison.

And yet Nonon’s heart remained so very slow, so she raised the volume to the max. She’d get in trouble with the neighbors for blasting the music, but she needed to let the sound immerse her. Nonon wanted her heart to race, to get her blood pumping so she’d feel alive again, but it still wasn’t working.

Music was one of the few things that Nonon was passionate about that was completely detached from Satsuki, but one interest does not make a whole person. Perhaps Satsuki really had trapped Nonon, though she certainly hadn’t done it intentionally.

Tears dripped down Nonon’s face. She was trying and failing to cling onto the one thing she had that was entirely her own. Was it even her own? Perhaps Satsuki had somehow incidentally influenced Nonon to become interested in music. Everything that defined Nonon was now something to second guess.

How did it come to this? Why was a simple rejection from a crush so soul shattering for Nonon? She wasn’t a child who didn’t have a broader perspective about the world. Nonon knew what true horror was, and yet she felt worse about a break up than any previous pain she had personally experienced.

It wasn’t as if she could never see Satsuki again, they just couldn’t be together romantically. Why was that so bad? In the end, all Nonon wanted was to be around Satsuki. At least that’s what Nonon told herself.

Perhaps this was just the breaking point for something that was a long time coming. The scaffolding of Nonon and Satsuki’s relationship was toxic, not that either woman was a bad person, but there was an unhealthy imbalance between them.

“Maybe we really shouldn’t be together.” Nonon’s voice was an airy whimper.

What now? Nonon had always tailored her life to fit into Satsuki’s. To move forward now, while having no clear direction to follow, was daunting.

“What do I even want?”

The future was a void. There was no path. Some would have found that freeing, but Nonon found it terrifying.

A future of uncertainty, and a past of bittersweet memories. No matter where she looked, Nonon found nothing she could take solace in.

What about the present? Could Nonon focus on the here and now? Was there anything she wanted to do at the moment?

“No.”

There was nothing Nonon wanted to do. The only real hobby she had was music, but that had already proven ineffective in Nonon’s current malaise. What else was there to do? What else was there to Nonon?

“Maybe that’s what I should figure out. I’ve got nothing inside me now, but could I fill myself with…stuff? Could I find a reason to live? I could try out some hobbies, and there are probably important causes I could get behind.” Nonon shifted to speaking out loud. “Is there anything out there that could make me happy like Satsuki could? Probably not, but I guess it’s worth a shot anyway. What’s the worst that could happen? I’m already feeling about as shitty as I possibly could without my entire life falling apart. Fuck, Satsuki was my life, so I guess it has fallen apart. Fuck.”

Despite her melancholy persisting, Nonon managed to steel her resolve to look for a reason to keep living. She looked up ‘common hobbies’ on her phone, and began writing down all the listed options she thought were worth a try. She avoided any suggestions like fishing that were rather quiet and introspective activities, the kind that would leave Nonon with her thoughts.

Dancing, gardening, video games, cooking, yoga, martial arts, acting, photography, blogging, youtubing, blacksmithing, collecting, activism, swimming, DJing, stand-up comedy, glass blowing, going to zoos, and much more. Nonon’s list was packed with possibilities.

Nonon showered, shaved, and got dressed before leaving her home.

First up was dancing. Nonon began taking dance classes and going to dance clubs. From tap dancing, to jazz dance, to pole dancing, and every other kind of dancing, Nonon tried them all to see if anything clicked with her. She spent a whole month exploring this potential hobby, her body burning from the constant strain. Trying to move her body the way she needed to in order to follow any given dance routine was a pain in the ass. Even when trying to freeform dance in clubs and the like, Nonon found that she lacked precision in how she moved her limbs. Also, Nonon wasn’t having fun. Dancing was a no go.

Gardening was next. After taking a while to find an allotment she could use, Nonon bought all the materials she needed according to online guides. She got to work tilling the soil, and very quickly decided that tilling was painful and soul crushing. Nonon shifted gears to raising plants that didn’t require tilled soil, but found the whole gardening process to be tedious the more she learned about it, so she gave up.

Video game time. Inumuta and Iori liked video games, so Nonon asked them about getting into the hobby. The couple introduced Nonon to the wide world of gaming, but the issue of which genres to try quickly reared its head. Nonon didn’t want to spend a month trying to get into a specific genre, only to realize it wasn’t for her and have to try something else. Thus, Nonon, on the recommendations of Inumuta and Iori, played all the most critically acclaimed and famous games rather than focusing on any specific genres. She was surprised that she didn’t hate as many of the games as she expected. There were even times where she had fun, but she was mostly filled with only mild interest. Video games weren’t for Nonon.

Next on Nonon’s plate was cooking. She began taking cooking classes and watching cooking videos online, and she found them surprisingly fun. Making food was engaging for reasons similar to why video games were engaging; they were interactive and required conscious thought, but cooking had the benefit of allowing Nonon to walk around a kitchen which was more stimulating to her. Also, there was a catharsis in gradually making tastier and tastier food as her skills improved. Getting to share the food she made with others was nice, especially when she saw people enjoying what she created. Seeing them happy made Nonon happy. Cooking had earned its place as the first of Nonon’s new hobbies.

Yoga? Enjoyable, but left Nonon with her thoughts too much. Martial arts? Too tiring, and Nonon was sick of fighting after participating in a war. Acting? Nonon found the process interesting, but didn’t have the chops for it. Photography? Calming, fun, and it got Nonon to explore new places as she looked for good shots, so it was added to the hobby list.

Nonon kept on trying out new activities to find passions to fill herself with. It was scary how much space her obsession with Satsuki had taken up, as there was so much room inside her now.

Initially Nonon was trying to distract herself with these passions, and even when she found a new hobby she resonated with, it was only masking her sadness, but that changed over time. Instead of having to actively ignore her melancholy to engage with her pastimes, Nonon was fully engaging with the activities, and she’d only think about how she lost Satsuki when something actively reminded her of that fact.

To Nonon’s surprise, she was actually beginning to move on from Satsuki, and so quickly at that. Quickly really meant a year and change, but that was briefer than an instant to Nonon.

But there was one thing that made that year feel long in retrospect.

Nonon hadn’t seen Satsuki at all in that year’s time. That was because Nonon was actively avoiding seeing Satsuki, and Satsuki herself hadn’t been making any efforts to bridge the gap Nonon was creating.

Things were just so tense between them now. After decades of time spent together, such a harsh and intimate encounter like the one they had when they last saw each other was especially painful. It was impossible to tell what would happen if Nonon and Satsuki met up again. Nonon might break down in tears, Satsuki might avoid Nonon, or it might only be really awkward between them.

It felt like a meeting between Nonon and Satsuki was destined to end poorly, but it would be hard to achieve true closure without at least one more conversation between them.

What would Nonon say? What did she even want to say? What needed to be said?

Nonon pondered what to say for a few days. It didn’t take her long to reach her answer, as it was really a question of what Nonon and Satsuki’s relationship could and should be moving forward.

Figuring out what to say was the easy part, the hard part was actually meeting up with Satsuki.

It took another few days to build up the courage necessary to text Satsuki. Even as Nonon did it, her fingers trembled, causing her to misclick multiple times and thus have to delete incorrect letters. The difficulty she was having made Nonon frustrated and more anxious, causing her to misclick even more. Words were substituted with garbled messes that made Nonon want to throw her phone against a wall every time she made them.

Right as Nonon really was about to throw her phone across her bedroom, she stopped, took some deep breaths, and let her mind calm. After that brief meditation, Nonon typed out her text and sent it.

“Hi, Satsuki. Sorry for not contacting you earlier. Can we talk, just the two of us?”

Nonon stared at her phone, waiting for a response. She continued to meditate as she did.

A read receipt appeared. Satsuki had seen the message, but how would she respond?

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

It was taking a while for Satsuki to respond. Would she respond? Was it taking her a while to type out her message because it was long? Was she trying to think of what to say? Was she not going to respond?

The meditation was becoming less effective. Nonon’s breathing was shaky. Had Nonon avoided Satsuki too much, to the point that it hurt Satsuki's feelings? Perhaps avoiding Satsuki for so long had caused her to think that Nonon meant to permanently break ties. Maybe Satsuki was still worried she might hurt Nonon in some way, and so she wanted to avoid Nonon for her protection. All these ideas made Nonon regret trying to contact Satsuki.

A ding. Satsuki’s response appeared.

“Where do you want to meet?”

Nonon regained her composure, though she was still anxious. Her fingers steadied, and she typed.

“Somewhere private and where you’d feel comfortable.”

After Nonon sent her next message, there was another pause, this one even longer than the last. Once again she worried that Satsuki wouldn’t respond.

Ding.

“Do you remember that small temple near the kindergarten we went to? Could we meet there?”

Images of an old Shinto temple flashed through Nonon’s mind. It was one of the places Nonon and Satsuki would play when they were lucky enough to have some free time as little kids. Well, play was a strong way of putting it, it was more that they would just spend time together there, enjoying each other’s presence.

“Absolutely. Would this Sunday work for you?”

“Yes.”

“10am?”

Yes.”

“Good. I’ll see you then.”

“I’ll see you then.”

Air puffed out of Nonon’s nose as she pushed out her chest with pride. She had done it, she had set up the meeting. All that was left was to actually go to said meeting and tell Satsuki what needed to be said.

Nonon felt a trembling in her chest, but it wasn’t only due to fear and anxiety, it was also due to exhilaration. Something about the conversation to come made Nonon happy beyond her ability to fully internalize. Perhaps it was because there would be a chance for closure now. Maybe part of Nonon was excited that she’d get to meet face to face with the love of her life at least one more time. It could have even been a simple adrenaline rush due to the intensity of the moment.

Time passed, days disappearing on the path to Sunday. Despite how personally significant that Sunday would be, Nonon wasn’t in a daze or anxious. She was able to go about each day as if they were normal.

Once Sunday came, Nonon woke up early, double checked the quickest route to the temple, and hopped on the subway. It was a bit of a slow ride, but it wasn’t unpleasant.

When Nonon arrived at the bottom of the steps leading up to the temple, she was hit with a tidal wave of nostalgia. It had been so long since she had been there. As she ascended steps and passed through a series of torii gates, Nonon was overcome with emotion. The shadows the gates cast on her felt heavy.

At the top of the stairs was a cramped and run down Shinto temple. Everything was small and a shade of brown so dark it was nearly black. A musty smell filled the air. Puddles full of leaves were everywhere, and the ground was covered in a layer of dirt so thick that it would be easy to mistake it for having not been paved. If a place could look dead, then this temple certainly did.

“That's unfortunate.”

A series of clinks brought Nonon’s attention to the offering box which had just received a good number of coins and bills courtesy of Satsuki. Despite Nonon’s best efforts to show up early, Satsuki had still managed to arrive first.

“Is there any point in donating? This temple seems abandoned.” Nonon said.

Satsuki turned to face Nonon.

“Hello, Nonon.”

“Hi, Satsuki.”

Nonon forced herself to smile, even if she looked awkward doing so. Satsuki’s smile appeared more genuine, but her eyes were drooping in a way that made her look more sad than happy.

“How have you been?” Satsuki closed the distance between Nonon and herself by a few steps, but then stopped, her expression tightening. She took a step backward. “I hope my…I hope the way we left things off wasn’t…”

“I’m fine. I’m doing great. How have you been? I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, I just felt like…if we tried to get together again, it might not go well. I was paranoid.” Nonon rubbed the back of her head.

“I understand, and I’m doing well. Honestly, I’ve been worried that you’ve become afraid of me, because of how I acted, or that the way I broke things off hurt you so much that now you hate me.” Satsuki’s smile gave way to a slight frown.

“I’m not scared of you, and I could never hate you!” Nonon took multiple steps forward, though there was still a noticeable distance between Nonon and Satsuki. “I was afraid you might hate me after avoiding you for so long!”

“That’s silly, I’d never hate you for avoiding me. After what happened, I think that keeping away from me is an appropriate response. I objectified and used you, I ignored your consent-”

“For like two seconds, and then you realized I was being serious and you stopped.”

“Right.” Satsuki inched backward. “I’m still worried about that. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I understand, and that’s okay.” Nonon took a few more steps forward. “The reason I called you here is because I wanted to tell you some things, and ask you something. Now that I think about it, there isn’t actually a lot I have to say.”

“Well I’m all ears.” Satsuki smiled again, but it looked even more sad than before.

Nonon took a quick breath and looked Satsuki right in the eye.

“First and foremost, I want to say that I understand why you feel the way you do, and that it’s okay. I don’t think you’d ever hurt me, but your concerns are valid. You probably have a lot of feelings to work through, and if, after you worked through them, you change your mind and want to try restarting our relationship, then I’ll happily give it another go with you. If not and we really can’t ever be together romantically or sexually, then that’s also perfectly okay. I can happily accept either result.”

“Would you really be okay either way? I don’t want to make you feel like I led you on when we were dating, or that-”

“I’ll be okay, don’t worry. Before now, I was a bit obsessed with you. A lot obsessed with you, actually, but this time apart has helped me introspect. It’s helped me figure out who I am without you, and it’s helped me find meaning in life without you. This isn’t to say you were at fault or anything before, this was a me problem. My point is that we’re both individual people, and we can find individual happiness.” Nonon took several steps forward. There wasn't much space between Nonon and Satsuki anymore. “Do whatever you think is right and will make you happy. Okay? That’s what I want the most for you. I want you to be happy.”

For a moment, Satsuki’s eyes went wide and she just stared at Nonon, but then she smiled the first joyful smile Nonon had seen on her face all day. There was a glassiness to Satsuki’s eyes, though only briefly.

“I want you to be happy too, and thank you for being so understanding. You’re too kind.”

“I do have one question slash request.”

“What is it?”

“I’d like it if we could stay friends and still hang out like we used to. Would that be okay?” Nonon’s confidence, which had stayed strong as she spoke of her self-actualization and declared her acceptance of Satsuki’s wishes, started to waver. Her arms hid behind her back, and her legs began to fidget and press into each other.

“I wanted to ask you that same question.” Satsuki chuckled, and Nonon perked up.

“You mean…”

“I’d love it if we could keep being friends.”

“Great!” Nonon had spoken louder than she intended, which was especially noticeable in the quiet shrine. A blush painted across Nonon’s face as Satsuki laughed, the shorter woman quickly joining in. The pair laughed like there hadn’t been any tension between them mere moments ago.

Eventually the laughter ended, and when it did, Nonon and Satsuki completely closed the distance between them. They hugged each other tightly, happy that they could remain friends.

Whether the pair would end up romantically involved again or not didn’t matter. As long as they could spend time together, they would be okay. Even if they couldn’t stay at each other’s sides for some reason, they would still be okay, for they were their own people with their own lives.

Chapter Text

“I hate my life.”

The sunlight beat down on Ryūko, the inside of her jumpsuit functioning as an oven to cook her body, but her resistant flesh made it so she wasn’t even sweating. A temporary reprieve from the light arrived when she lifted two dozen I-beams above her head with one hand which blocked the Sun’s rays. There weren’t many who stared at Ryūko as she carried around such a large weight with ease, only some people passing by the construction site. All the actual workers had long since grown used to Ryūko’s herculean strength.

Ryūko carefully placed the I-beams on the ground next to the skyscraper that was currently under construction. She picked up a beam and jumped, rising several stories before landing on the current highest level of the building which was only a metal skeleton of a structure. Ryūko put the beam in place and two other workers got to work shooting bolts into it. After jumping back down to ground level, Ryūko picked up another beam and repeated the process until there were no more beams left and she had to go get more.

“You’re doing great, Matoi! Seriously, you’re a godsend!” The foreman yelled from across the site.

As Ryūko received a couple pats on the shoulder as she headed to get more beams, she forced a smile to form on her face. It actually looked believable thanks to all the practicing she had done.

Every day as she worked, Ryūko was constantly met with kindness and acceptance. There were also bonuses and raises aplenty given Ryūko’s strength made her an invaluable asset to the construction company she worked for. Finally, Ryūko had found a place where she could make good use of her specific skill set and earn decent money. Thanks to how quick and easy the work was, given Ryūko’s might, it wasn’t even stressful.

It was perfect.

“I hate my life.”

It should have been perfect.

What was the problem?

This was the job Ryūko was looking for, wasn’t it? Ryūko was being respected and didn’t feel overworked. She could even keep the red streak in her hair. There were no downsides, but Ryūko still dreaded waking up every morning and going to work. She still broke into sobs when alone, and sat around disassociating occasionally. It wasn’t as bad as when she was working security, but it was still bad.

“Why? I finally got a good fucking job so why? Why am I still miserable? What do I want? Do I wanna be rich? Do I want to not have to work? Do I really just wanna go back to fighting stupid alien clothing?”

As she continued to work, Ryūko was shivering. Her teeth chattered, her hands trembled, and her breathing was ragged. Despite all these signs that Ryūko thought were obvious indications that she wasn’t okay, nobody asked if she was alright. Nobody commented on Ryūko’s strange behavior. It was as if everything was normal.

Did they not notice? Did they not care? Ryūko felt like she was screaming at the top of her lungs, yet nobody could hear her. Never did she feel more alone and helpless than when she was having a panic attack while nobody reacted.

If Ryūko was so desperate for someone to talk to, then why didn’t she speak up? The answer was that she was terrified people would think she was crazy, or that she’d inconvenience them, or that there would be some other dire consequence. Even when it came to her psychiatrist, Ryūko struggled to open up to them.

The one person Ryūko used to be able to consistently talk to and be honest with was Mako, and even then she would hide her feelings from her a lot.

And Ryūko couldn’t be open with Mako at all anymore.

After work ended, Ryūko went drinking with her coworkers on the foreman’s tab. She chugged down so many mugs of beer that even her inhuman biology couldn’t prevent her from becoming drunk.

Ryūko was barely able to walk straight as she returned home. In the year since becoming a construction worker, Ryūko and Mako had managed to move out of the Mankanshoku household and into their own apartment again.

It took an inordinate amount of time for Ryūko to find her keys and get them into the keyhole to open her front door. When she stumbled into the apartment, she reflexively anticipated Mako tackling her, but that didn’t happen. That hadn’t happened in a long time.

Upon bumbling her way into the dining room, tripping over the same pair of shoes three times along the way, Ryūko saw that there was a covered plate of curry on the table, as well as a note from Mako.

“You can reheat the curry if you want. It should only take two minutes in the microwave. Love you.”

The message had been rather verbose for the standard Ryūko and Mako had set in recent months. It was rare for them to speak more than ten words to each other a day.

It wasn’t that they were mad at each other, there was simply a tension keeping them cautious and timid.

Ryūko had apologized to Mako for yelling at her and using her as an outlet for her frustration back when they were still staying in the Mankanshoku household. Despite the apology, Mako still avoided doing anything that she thought might potentially bother Ryūko, and Ryūko felt too ashamed to have a proper conversation with Mako.

“Thank you for the meal.” Ryūko sat down and started eating. The spiciness of the curry was balanced with a touch of sweetness. Each vegetable was minced finely and there was a complexity to the flavors thanks to an assortment of spices. It was exactly how Ryūko liked her curry. Even after this last year of awkwardness, Mako never failed to be considerate of Ryūko’s wants and needs.

By the time Ryūko finished her meal, she was squeezing her spoon so tightly that the metal began to bend. She sniffled.

“I’m a piece of shit.”

Ryūko’s inebriation made her unable to restrain her emotions. Not only did she begin to cry, she wept like a child. Her guilt was even more vast than her depression, and both emotions were overflowing. All her bittersweet sorrow at her inability to return to an idealized image of her past, all her melancholy at the mundane life she was living, all her regret over her cruelty towards Mako a year ago, all of her sense of impotence at her inability to fix her problems, all of it came out at once. It happened in this moment, a moment without any particular significance, because it just so happened to be a perfect storm. Drunken inhibition mixed with the simple trigger that was Mako’s casual kindness.

Moans echoed throughout the apartment as Ryūko fell apart. Her head dropped into her crossed arms that slammed into the table in front of her, the cleaned off plate getting pushed away loudly. For minutes upon minutes, Ryūko just cried. She wallowed in her misery and did nothing else. Not once did she try to think of a solution to her problems, all she did was bemoan her existence. It wasn’t cathartic, and it didn’t make Ryūko feel better. It wasn’t an ejection of sorrow, it was immersion in it. Nothing about Ryūko’s feelings changed from how she was before she broke down, the only change was that her emotions were now at the forefront of her mind. Ryūko could no longer ignore her problems, much like how she couldn’t after Nui’s reappearance.

“Ryūko, what’s wrong?” Mako stood at the edge of the dining room. She was in a nightgown, and she had wide eyes.

Despite the distance between them, Mako had arrived upon hearing Ryūko crying. Her concern for Ryūko’s well-being superseded all else, and that made Ryūko feel even more guilty for having pushed her away. Ryūko’s crying intensified as she tried to speak to Mako, the words that came out being completely unintelligible.

“Ryūko!” Mako ran over to Ryūko. “Do you need something? You’re not hurt, are yo-ah!”

Ryūko pulled Mako into a hug, her face burying itself in Mako’s chest which muffled her continued crying. To touch Mako so intimately made Ryūko feel better, especially because it had been so long since they had last made skin contact.

What made Ryūko feel worse was her recognition that Mako wasn’t hugging her back. Ryūko didn’t know if Mako was afraid, or confused, or possibly even angry, but no matter the reason, the lack of reciprocation made Ryūko feel like shit.

Then Mako wrapped her arms around Ryūko. The latter woman’s moans stopped. Warmth and comfort filled Ryūko to the brim. Mako wasn’t rejecting her. Ryūko hugged Mako tighter.

Love, that was what Ryūko felt. She loved Mako, and Mako loved her. Despite Ryūko yelling at Mako, and the year of tension that followed, they were still in love.

That was it. Ryūko couldn’t take it anymore.

“I-I-I-” Ryūko spoke through her sobs. “I’m s-s-s-sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I said to you a year ago. You don‘t bother me, I was j-just a-a-angry. I was angry at myself and the world, and I too-I took it out on you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I miss you. I want to spend time with you. Please don’t avoid me. Please.”

Mako’s hand began to pet Ryūko’s head.

“I forgave you a long time ago.”

“Wuh?” Ryūko pulled her face back from Mako’s chest and looked at her face. Mako was smiling wide, waterfalls streaming down from her eyes.

She hiccuped before beginning to bawl like Ryūko was just a few moments ago.

“Ryūkooooooooooo! I missed you too! I missed spending time with you! I was so worried that I would upset you if we did stuff together!”

“I’m sorry! I'm sorry!” Ryūko and Mako hugged, both of them continuing to cry their eyes out.

It had been so long since the couple had been open and honest with each other, so Ryūko was relieved that it was still possible for them to share their feelings this way. All it really consisted of was the two stating why they were sad and then crying together, but sometimes that was all they needed.

This moment of them crying together allowed the lovers to exchange more of their feelings than words ever could. They both knew what it meant to see each other crying like this. For Mako to cry like this showed she was no longer keeping her distance from Ryūko, that she was accepting Ryūko’s apology and desire to be close to each other again. Ryūko crying meant she was ignoring her fear of telling people how she really felt, and was putting all her love and trust in Mako’s hands.

The two cried for half an hour, and even after they had no more tears or sobs to share, they kept on holding each other. Neither of them said anything, they just sat together on a chair as they embraced. All they wanted was to enjoy each other’s touch and presence. It was a reunion between two lovers who never left each other.

Mako’s breathing gradually slowed, her hug becoming gentle. She had fallen asleep.

Ryūko smiled and lifted Mako into her arms, carrying her into their bedroom. First Ryūko tucked Mako into bed, and then she got in herself. She continued to hold Mako. For the first time in years, Ryūko felt truly and entirely at peace. All her problems felt miniscule in the face of how happy she was to have reconciled with Mako.

It felt so good to just not worry for a while. Ryūko could just lie there with the woman she loved in her arms and be happy. She was so relaxed that it didn’t take long for Ryūko to fall asleep.

Instead of nightmares or nothing at all, Ryūko dreamed of going on a date with Mako to a clothing store where they tried on a bunch of different outfits. It was a simple, happy dream; it was an example of what Ryūko wanted to do with Mako. That was what Ryūko’s subconscious was focused on rather than paying bills, or how much she missed fighting with Senketsu.

The sleep was refreshing for Ryūko. It was restful in a way that was rare for her. Normally she felt like her sleeping did nothing to help her recuperate from the previous days’ struggles. She wasn’t better rested, if anything she felt worse the next morning, but this time she could feel herself being filled with energy as she dreamed.

When Ryūko woke up, she didn’t open her eyes. Instead she moved her arms a bit to check if Mako was still there. She was. It was Sunday, so they both had off from work. They had no responsibilities they had to deal with, which meant they could spend the day together without distractions.

Ryūko didn’t try to get up, she just continued lying in bed, holding Mako close. There was no way she’d end this moment before Mako had woken up. She wanted to savor it. Due to being so at ease, Ryūko oscillated between being awake and sleeping for brief moments.

Ryūko left her liminal state when Mako began to move a bit in her arms, a few groans coming from her. Mako opened her eyes which met with Ryūko’s. Both women smiled at each other.

“Morning, Ryūko!” Mako kissed Ryūko repeatedly all over her face. Despite the peaceful calm Ryūko had been indulging in now going away, she was far from unhappy about it. Seeing Mako return to her old manic self nearly brought a tear to Ryūko’s eye.

“Morning, Mako.” Ryūko grabbed her beloved’s face and kissed her on the lips. “What do you want to do today? I want us to have some fun together.”

“That sounds great! How about we go to the zoo?”

“Let’s do it. Also, let’s stop by some clothing stores. I want to look for some cute outfits for me, and we might as well eat out while we’re at it.”

“Awesome! I’m gonna get ready!” Mako shot out of bed and into the closet to get dressed.

Chuckling to herself, Ryūko got up and began getting ready to. She showered, shaved, brushed her teeth, took her medication, and got dressed in the cutest outfit she could put together. It was a pair of jeans shorts with a thick jacket and a tank top.

Mako was still getting ready by the time Ryūko was set to go, so she scrolled through her phone a bit, checking her social media and planning out the route she and Mako would follow for their date.

As she began to mindlessly scroll through her phone while she sat on a chair in the living room, Ryūko felt a scratching at the back of her mind.

Ryūko was coming down a bit from the high she had been on since reconciling with Mako, and her meds had yet to kick in at all, so Ryūko’s anxiety and depression were hitting her.

“Even if you have fun today, you’re gonna have to go back to work tomorrow. You’ll have to do a job you hate, and you’ll have to do it for the rest of your life. You can’t go back to Honnōji Academy. You can’t go back to Senketsu. You can’t go back to when you were truly alive. You have to keep working a job you hate, and all it’ll take is one wrong move for you to get fired. What if an accident happens and you’re stuck with a bill you can’t afford to pay? What’ll you do then? No matter what, there are always problems you have to face. You can never be free. You can never be happy.”

Ryūko had begun bouncing her leg as her upper body rocked back and forth. Right when she had felt at peace, her baggage peaked its ugly head out to ruin things. It was like a ghost that was haunting Ryūko, a spirit that couldn’t be exorcized.

“Am I really gonna have to live the rest of my life like this?” Ryūko said.

“Like what?” Mako appeared, sitting in Ryūko’s lap.

“Like with my depression and anxiety and shit.” Ryūko didn’t hesitate to state how she felt. “It’s all hitting me pretty bad right now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for.”

“Is there some way I can help?”

“I don’t think so.” Ryūko pursed her lips. “Hey, Mako, why aren’t you depressed, or anxious, or, like, why don’t you constantly think about when we were in high school like I do?”

“I dunno.” Mako put her finger to her chin as she stared up at the ceiling. “I just don’t feel depressed because I don’t. Same with the anxiety. Those are, like, brain chemical things. Plus, I just think there’s tons of stuff about life to love.”

“So your repetitive office job doesn’t crush your soul?”

“Nope. I get to talk to people, and the work can be kind of fun if you think of it like a game.”

“Do you think it was better when we were at Honnōji Academy together?”

“I dunno. It was exciting, but we were also in danger a lot. You were really cool and sexy when you’d save me, but I also think you’re cooler now, and you’re definitely sexier now.”

“What makes me cool?”

“You have so many problems you have to deal with, but you don’t give up!” Mako pumped her fists. “It’s like you’re fighting a battle like the ones we’d have back in school, but you have to fight it forever, and it’s against your own brain, and also society and stuff! Those are the hardest battles, and you haven’t lost! You fight not just for you, but for the people around you! What’s cooler than that!”

“But it’s a fight that never ends, I can never be free of it.”

“Yeah.” Mako didn’t say anything more for a few seconds, but then she clenched her fists. “But it’s the same for everyone! Everyone has to struggle with stuff their whole lives! Not that your problems aren’t important, but everyone has problems, and so many people find happiness despite those problems! In fact it's because there are problems that we feel happy!”

“How does that work?” Ryūko sat back.

“Because there are bad times, we appreciate the good times more! If we never had any problems and we were always happy, then we’d never be happy at all, because there’s no sad times to make the happy times happier by comparison!” Mako was waving her arms around.

“But why do I need to have such big problems? Why couldn’t they be ones that were easy to deal with. Right now it’s a struggle for me to be happy at all.”

“I-uh-I-um-” Mako looked in every possible direction as she struggled to come up with something to say. Eventually she stopped and just looked Ryūko in the eye. “I don’t know what to say. It’s unfair you have to struggle with so much. Life’s unfair. I’m used to life being unfair because I grew up super poor and stuff, so it doesn’t bother me, but most people who grew up like me are probably bothered by stuff a lot more than I am. I dunno.”

“Mako.” Ryūko mumbled.

“I don’t think there’s an easy solution to your problems, or an easy way to cope with them, or anything. You got unlucky, and now you have to struggle for a long time. I’d be lying if I tried to tell you that your problems will go away any time soon, or even ever, but it feels cruel to tell you that you have to suffer.” Mako had begun crying at some point, Ryūko wasn’t sure when. “I’m sorry. I wish there was something we could do. But don’t give up! Never give up! Please! Even when things seem horrible, don't give up! The bad times won’t last! Good times always come, and even if they’re followed by more bad times, we’ll get through them! We will! We saved the world, so we can get through this too!”

Ryūko was crying too now.

It was not out of sadness that Ryūko cried, but out of happiness and love.

There was no avoiding the obvious truth that Ryūko, while she may gradually lessen the intensity of her problems, might never free herself from them. But that didn’t mean she had to give up. She couldn’t give up, for Mako, and for herself. It was as simple as that. As long as she persevered, things could always get better for Ryūko, but if she gave up, then she’d never be happy again.

It wouldn’t be easy, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a fight worth fighting, and Ryūko would have Mako at her side. Mako was so kind. Having someone who’d cry for you is a blessing.

“Thanks, Mako.” The sides of Ryūko’s mouth rose upward.

“Huh? For what?”

“For being you.” Ryūko kissed Mako. “I’m feeling a little better now. I think my meds are kicking in.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I am for now. I might not be later, but we’ll deal with it when the time comes.” Ryūko kissed Mako again. “Are you ready to go?”

There was a pause before Mako smiled and hugged Ryūko tight.

“I’m ready when you are!”

“Then let’s go!” Ryūko stood up with Mako in her arms. The couple left their home, ready to have a fun day out.

The future might be painful, but the pain doesn’t last forever. Neither does the joy, to be fair, but such is life. It can be unpleasant, but it’s all we have. We might as well make do, for the alternative is far worse. And in the end, there will always be someone out there who cares about you, even if you have to search for them.

Chapter Text

Twenty years after the destruction of Honnōji Academy…

“I love my life.”

In the middle of a busy construction site, as the Sun dove toward the horizon, an excavator had fallen into a ditch. It dropped onto its side, so there was no chance it could drive out of the pit.

Yet the surrounding construction workers were unbothered. They just watched as one woman walked on over and slid down the side of the pit. She got right up to the excavator and grabbed it with both hands.

The woman picked the vehicle up as if it were weightless, walking up the slope with the excavator and putting the vehicle down right side up. Some of the workers clapped a bit or cheered, but most were so used to this kind of thing that they just kept going on with their work.

“Thanks, Ryūko.” One of the workers, a young man, jogged over to Ryūko. “The foreman would have bit my head off if you weren’t around.”

“No prob, just make sure you pay attention more, kid.” Ryūko was smiling.

“I know. Sorry. I was distracted ‘cause I was thinking about personal life stuff.”

“I get it, I’ve been there. If you need anyone to talk to, or if you need help, don’t be afraid to come to me.” Ryūko put a hand on the young man’s shoulder.

“Thanks, that means a lot.” The man had a small grin. “I gotta get back to work. See you later.”

“See you later.” Ryūko removed her hand and she walked off to continue her own duties, humming all the while.

Ten years ago, Ryūko hated this job, and every job. Even now, there were days where Ryūko felt like she hated her job and her life. The issues Ryūko had were so deep seeded that it would still be a long time before she would achieve complete closure. Slow and steady and all that. Most days were good days thanks to a mix of medication, meditation, psychiatry, and more. Ryūko focused on those good days, while enduring the bad days. That was life, and it was a life Ryūko could be happy with.

Ryūko continued to hum all throughout her workday, and even as she clocked out and headed home. Upon reaching her apartment, she already had her keys out which she spun around her finger. She was about to open the door when-

“Ryūkooooooooooo!” The door opened and an airborne Mako shot out like a cannonball from a cannon. Ryūko snatched Mako from the air and pulled her into a hug. “Ryūko, you’re home!”

“Yes, I am.” Ryūko kissed Mako.

“How was work? Did you have fun? Did anything exciting happen? Did any aliens appear and attack? Isn’t it crazy that it isn’t weird for me to ask that? Y’know, because we fought aliens before. Wait, you’re kind of an alien ‘cause you’ve got Life Fibers in you! My lover’s an alien!” Mako's mouth moved a mile a second as Ryūko carried her into their home.

“Are you ready for our double date?” Ryūko said as she put Mako down and headed towards the bathroom.

“Yup, ready as can be! I’m so excited! It’s been so long since we’ve had a date night!” Mako kept on talking as Ryūko showered and got dressed in a cute bodycon dress.

“Alright, I’m ready. Shall we go?”

“Let’s go!”

And thus Ryūko and Mako were off into the night. It took them a while to get to their destination, but that while felt like an instant when they were together. Mako could make anything fun, even traveling through the subway and taking a taxi.

The location for the double date was a high rise restaurant, and the meeting spot was the lobby of the skyscraper the restaurant was in.

Upon entering the spacious and fancy lobby stuffed with people, Ryūko and Mako spotted Satsuki and Nonon who were all dressed up for their double date.

“Satsuki! Nonon! Hiiiiiiii!” Mako called out from across the room. The two couples closed the distance, everyone but Mako feeling a bit embarrassed from the stares Mako’s shout had attracted. “How are you two! How’s it been dating again?”

“We’re good, and dating’s been good.” Satsuki brushed some hair behind her ear as she looked down at Nonon. The short woman blushed, but she didn’t look away.

“How are you two?” Nonon said.

“Great!” Mako wrapped herself around Ryūko’s arm.

“Things have been good. I got a raise recently.” Ryūko grinned.

“That’s great to hear. How’s your depression?”

“I mean…it’s depression. There are good days and bad days, but lately there’ve been way more good than bad, so I’d say that’s progress.” Ryūko shrugged.

“It definitely is.” Satsuki spoke firmly.

Ryūko felt warm. Satsuki was right, Ryūko had definitely made progress. Even if there were times where she’d still look back upon her time at Honnōji Academy and fantasize about returning to those days, Ryūko could shake off those thoughts and live in the present.

Fulfillment. That was what Ryūko had finally achieved. She was able to find purpose and joy in the little things in life, and that collected purpose made Ryūko feel whole. Originally Ryūko’s purpose was avenging her father, then it was saving the world. After she achieved her goals, Ryūko gradually became aimless, and that was the catalyst for her downward spiral. Ryūko was waiting for some grand meaning to come to her, something that could give her direction. Now she knew that she could grant herself meaning, even if that meaning was as simple as being someone that helps others and lives life to the fullest.

“Is everyone hungry?” Ryūko said.

“Oh, yeah.” Nonon leaned into Satsuki. “We’re starved.”

“Then let’s get to the restaurant, I’m starving too.”

And that was that. The two couples made their way to the restaurant for a delicious meal and a fun night.

There would be no more grand battles, just mundane days, and Ryūko was fine with that.

“I love my life.”

Chapter Text

Hey all. It's been a while! I recently released the first chapter of my first original web serial, TransWaifu. You can find it here on AO3, and a bunch of other websites. It's about a prostitute who dies and is reborn into an anime she hates, and specifically as the main member of the overpowered and generic protagonist's harem. If you liked how depressing and introspective this fanfic could get, then check out my new series!