Chapter Text
It was another sleepless night for Beelzebub. Another night spent tucked as far to one side of the bed as he could manage, wondering why he even still shared a bed with the man he’d divorced. He could hear the soft snoring coming from Ao on the opposite side of the mattress; it was a sound he wanted to find grating, but all he could feel was the swell of chasmic loneliness upon being reminded that Ao was so physically close to him, yet far beyond his reach. Tossing and turning, Beelzebub was kept awake by the ceaseless thoughts pounding their fists against the walls of his mind.
*I’m surprised he didn’t banish me to the couch after the screaming match dinner turned into tonight. Why did I let myself get so worked up in the first place? What even started it tonight? The fact that I can hardly remember makes it even more ridiculous that we let things get out of hand. And in front of the kids, no less- I thought we agreed we wouldn’t let ourselves fight like that in front of the kids. That was supposed to be the one rule even I could follow… until I couldn’t. Damn it, what was I thinking?! Why did I fly off the handle like that?*
Thinking back on the tense meal that had taken place that evening, Beelzebub replayed the conversation in his head.
*Oh, that’s right. Tonight, it was because I made some stupid comment about the meatloaf being bland. I was right, but did I have to fucking say it? I should have known that would just piss him off, so I would have been better off keeping my mouth shut- …well, I did know. I did know it would piss him off, and that’s why I said it. All because I got bent out of shape listening to Houritsuka-san go on and on about how amazing Ao had been in helping him with that mythology project for school. I couldn’t stand that satisfied smile on Ao’s face, I couldn’t stand it feeling like one of the kids was favoring him, I couldn’t stand sitting there feeling like I should have helped him with that project, and so I tried to cut him down to size. I’m some piece of work.*
*Yeah, I started it tonight. I thought it’d feel good to make a dumb remark in the moment, but god, it got even more out of hand than usual. Sure, we fight all the time these days, but we had one rule, and I broke it. We were never supposed to go at it like that in front of the kids. Usually, Ao shuts things down before we get out of hand if the kids are around, but tonight he fed right into it. If he’d just- …no. I can’t pretend like he’s the only one capable of stopping things from spiraling. What happened tonight- I shouldn’t have let it go on like that. He’s always giving me shit and saying I don’t know how to handle responsibility, but at least tonight, he was right. I just figured that he’d be the mature one like usual and stop the fight.*
Beelzebub winced as the echoes of barbed words rang through his mind.
‘For someone who can supposedly do it all, you’d think you could at least know how to season your cooking.’
Regret twisted into a knot in Beelzebub’s gut, resulting in his tossing and turning worsening further.
*That stupid comment is what set him off worse than I’d ever seen him get. God, the look on his face… it wasn’t even that he looked mad. No, he looked hurt. And he knew that I saw that look on his face. That’s probably why he hurried to snap back at me, not wanting me to know how awful I’d made him feel in saying that. Can I even blame him? I wish he’d been the responsible one, but he wasn’t. Not this time. I guess I can only push him so hard before he snaps, but… still. I still hate how it all happened. I should have backed down. I shouldn’t have even opened my mouth to begin with.*
*Maybe I could have kept it together if I’d just taken a deep breath, or stepped out of the room to calm down. I shouldn’t have gotten wrapped up in the heat of the moment, but then it just kept escalating and then- and then he just had to go and say the one thing that’d make me stop thinking completely.*
Beelzebub bit down on his lower lip, feeling nauseous as Ao’s words struck him at full force, even when only recalled from memory.
‘I’ve had enough of your obnoxious commentary! All you do is jeer at me with your snide remarks, as though you’d be doing any better. At least I’m trying to keep this family afloat, while all you do is run your mouth with all of your useless, inane ideas of how you could be doing things so much better. Have you ever considered that I don’t want your suggestions? Have you considered that nobody gives a fuck about whatever fruitless idea you’ve gotten in that thick skull of yours when you won’t lift a finger to enact any sort of meaningful change? I don’t care about your ideas, so do me a favor- for once in your life, shut your mouth and just do what you’re supposed to!’
Looking up at the ceiling, Beelzebub broke into a cold sweat. A shiver enshrouded him, leaving him in quiet agony while he grappled with the recollection of such an explosive argument.
*Why did he have to say that, of all things? As soon as I heard it, it was over. I lost any reason I had left in me, and my mouth just started moving before I could think. I forgot the kids were sitting right there at the table with us. I forgot about the one rule. After hearing something like that, all I could remember was the past. That’s not his fault, but I still took it out on him. The way I acted- god, I’m so fucking ashamed. Even with what he said, I had no right being that way.*
Hours had passed since the incident, but Beelzebub remembered the intensity of his emotion with more clarity than he wanted to. He recalled the moment he’d abruptly risen from his seat in the dining room, slamming his hands down onto the table with such force that splintered shards of wood scattered where his palms had made impact. Clenching his jaw and screwing his eyes shut, Beelzebub tried to cut the memory short. He didn’t want to think about how he’d gone on to react. However, he would not be granted any sense of peace that night. His mind marched onward with little regard for him.
‘You- what do YOU know?! You have the fucking nerve, the goddamn audacity to talk to me that way?! You always act like you’re so wise, so perfect, so much better than everyone else with how you know just what to do and just how things should be- don’t make me fucking laugh! You’re just like everyone else, you know that? With that self-important attitude of yours, dismissing the things I say because you’re too much of a small-minded sycophant to ever see things outside of your own narrow viewpoint. For Christ’s sake, I’m sick of it! I thought you were different, but I can see it now- I see now that you’re just the same old shit I worked so hard to get away from in the first goddamn place!’
With a jolt, Beelzebub curled inward toward himself, gnawing on his lip until he tasted blood.
*I never should have said any of that. What the fuck is my problem? Fuck, and I was shouting at the top of my lungs. I don’t think I’d ever raised my voice that badly when fighting with Ao. He didn’t deserve that. And to make matters worse, that was when…*
Beelzebub inhaled sharply, sucking air in through his teeth as the scene flashed in his mind in such vivid detail that it made him want to heave.
He remembered their faces so clearly; five children, his children, wincing in unison and shrinking back into their chairs. Five bodies of Beelzebub’s own flesh and blood, cowering in silence upon hearing their father scream with such vitriol, the confusion and fear evident in their eyes.
That had been the sight to snap Beelzebub back to his senses, but at that point it had been too late.
*The way they looked, like they were afraid. Afraid of me, and how angry I was. They saw the kind of man that I really am, and they were terrified. How the fuck can I even live with myself after seeing them all look like that? I’m the reason they were scared. I’m the reason they didn’t feel comfortable in their home. It’s all because of me. They’re my own damn children, and they looked like they wanted to run and hide. No kid should have to feel that way. No kid should feel that way because of a parent, for fuck’s sake.*
When Beelzebub next opened his eyes, he listlessly gazed toward the wall. There, he would see something that had once been a source of inspiration for him. Now, though, it left him feeling hollow.
Framed on the wall of the bedroom he shared with Ao were the blueprints they’d designed together so many years ago, when Beelzebub had first dreamed up the concept of Rainbow Road. Seeing the plans he’d made, the hopes he’d had, brought tears to his eyes. He gritted his teeth, refusing to make even a single sound and risk waking Ao. Swallowing down the lump lurching up his throat, he buried his face in his hands.
*This wasn’t what I wanted. This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. They all trusted me, too. They trusted me when I said this would work. When I said that this would be what we all really wanted. They followed me here, I led them into this, and… and look what I’ve done. Look how I’ve ruined it. How I’ve ruined everything again. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, so why? When I first came up with the idea of moving here, of starting a new life and a new community with everyone, I was so sure it would be everything we’d ever wanted. I was so sure, and they trusted me. What have I done?*
Guilt clamped down around Beelzebub, consuming him and threatening to draw a raucous sob out of the desolation. Tears pooled in his eyes and blurred his view of the blueprints on the wall, until they were nothing more than a meaningless blob taking up his vision. Barely three feet away, he could feel the subtle movements of Ao rolling over in his sleep and was once again reminded of the one he had forgotten how to properly love. Beelzebub choked back his emotions long enough to slip out of bed, noiselessly floating across the room and toward the door. With a shaky exhale, he snuck into the hallway and left Ao to remain asleep in bed.
*It all went wrong because of me, didn’t it? The other houses are still happily married, still as in love as they’ve always been. But not me. I ruined it. I tried so hard to find happiness, and for a while, I thought I did actually find it. A wonderful husband and five happy, healthy children… that’s the dream, right? I was given everything I could have ever wanted, so why did it turn out this way? Could I have stopped it from getting to this point? Or…*
*Or is it that I was never meant to have these things? Maybe I was never supposed to come here- well, I know I wasn’t supposed to. What I was supposed to do… I know what I was supposed to do. I had a role, I had meaning, I had status. I had it all up there. I had everything when I was Lucifer, and I threw it all away anyway. It wasn’t enough. Sometimes I feel like my original sin should have been gluttony all along, because it’s never enough for me. I wasn’t happy being the literal right-hand attendant to God Himself. I was defective from the start.*
*That’s where it all went wrong, isn’t it? I acted out, wanting more than everything I’d already been handed on a silver platter, and I was struck down for my hubris. I’ve been the problem all along, haven’t I? Is that it, then? Is that why things turned out this way? I thought I had all these great ideas, all these dreams that could do so much good, but that’s just not true. I was wrong. Every idea I’ve ever had has only resulted in tragedy and suffering for the very people I was attempting to help.*
As Beelzebub listlessly floated through the halls, he would suddenly be stopped dead in his tracks by a crushing realization.
*If there is a paradise in this universe, I was never meant to be a part of it.*
Isolation and despair surged through Beelzebub, spreading to every atom in his body until all he could do was drop to the ground, collapsing to his knees. He shivered and wept in a heap on the ground, forced to confront what he believed to be the excruciating truth.
*All I wanted was a place to belong, a place where everyone could be themselves and live as they pleased. A place where we weren’t forced into some status quo, a place where we could dream and grow and make things better than anyone thought would be possible. I dreamed of true paradise, I tried to make it a reality, but there’s just one problem. For a genuine paradise to be possible, I cannot be a part of it. My presence only ruins everything we’ve built here. My bitterness and misery are a blight on the neighborhood; I’m weighing everyone down by being here.*
*When Ao and I split up, I still stayed here for the kids, and for the other princes. I thought it would be better if I was still around to be a part of their lives. I mean, I founded this neighborhood, so surely it was important for me to stay here- that’s what I thought. How naive I was. How foolish I was. How completely and utterly wrong I was. In sticking around, I’m only making it worse for everyone. The way the kids looked tonight, when I lost my shit… I never want to see that again. I never want them to experience that or feel that way, ever again. I can’t put them through that. That would be too cruel, even for me. Haven’t I hurt everyone enough already?*
Beelzebub trembled, sniffling and hastily wiping away as many of his tears as he could before coming to a stand. He didn’t have the will to float, too weighed down by negative emotions to the point where it physically grounded him. He took an unsteady step forward, feeling an immediate ache traveling up his leg and burning across his lower back. It hurt terribly, but he continued walking down the hallway until he idled at the top of the stairs. He glanced at the large mirror mounted on the wall behind him, though his reflection didn’t look like someone he recognized. He squinted at the reflective surface, not liking what appeared to be looking back. Heaving a sigh, he began to turn away.
Just as the mirror was about to leave his peripheral vision, he was certain he saw a flash of long, blue hair. He whipped his head back toward the mirror, his heart stopping in his chest, but the reflection still present was no different than what it had been when he last looked. He spent a lengthy moment inspecting his appearance, studying his features as though examining the craftsmanship of a costume designed for a stage show. With a weary sigh, he shook his head and slowly descended the staircase.
*Enough is enough. Lucifer, Beelzebub- whatever I call myself, I can’t run from the truth. I had the chance to be perfect, to have it all, and I gave it all up because I thought I knew better. I thought I could do better. Well, it turns out I couldn’t. I’m a fucking joke, but I’m not even a funny one after I roped everyone else into this. If I was going to be a fool, I should have had the decency to only drag myself down. Instead, I selfishly coaxed everyone to go along with my ridiculous whims. I set all of this up, thinking I’d finally reached the end of my searching and agonizing for something better, for paradise. Maybe it could have been paradise, if I hadn’t had the nerve to stick around. What it could have been doesn’t matter now, though, because I’ve tainted it beyond repair. For Ao, for my kids, for everyone… I’ve turned what would have been paradise into Hell on earth.*
When faced with the guilt and the perceived weight of his sins, Beelzebub was overcome with anguish. He couldn’t fathom a better future- at least, not one that involved him. He had convinced himself that his presence was the source of the problem, as much as it ached and stung to consider. At the foot of the stairs, he saw the most recent family photo hanging on the wall. It had been taken shortly before Ao and Beelzebub’s divorce, depicting a much happier family than the one currently residing in the House Of Blue. Beelzebub gazed at the portrait and wept, mourning all that he was certain he’d ruined.
It was then that he knew there was only one way to remedy the situation.
*I have to leave. I can’t stay here and keep making everyone miserable. I can’t put them through that. I stayed after the divorce because of my own selfishness. I didn’t want to lose touch with my kids, with my family. Despite how badly I’ve fucked everything up, and how much I should have left the day we finalized the divorce, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I love my kids so much, and I didn’t want to miss them growing up. I still wanted to have my paradise, even though me staying probably made things harder for Ao and for everyone. I thought I could get away with being selfish, but I can’t keep playing pretend. I can’t keep acting like I’m not making things worse for everyone by being here.*
Fresh tears flooded Beelzebub’s eyes, agony tearing through him and leaving nothing but desolation in its wake.
*I have to leave. It’s the only way they can finally be happy.*
Beelzebub wiped his eyes, unable to deny himself one last look at the family portrait. He gazed upon the smiling faces of his children, of Ao, and of his past self.
*I don’t want to go. God, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to say goodbye to my kids, or to think about all that I’ll miss. I won’t see Monroe’s choir concert next week- she even has a solo this time that I couldn’t wait to hear. I won’t see Houritsuka-san’s middle school graduation later this month, and I won’t see Karami get her permit to start doing hero work. I won’t see how Mallow’s science fair project turns out. I won’t get to take Mafia to target practice, even though I’m the one who okayed him to get a BB gun for his thirteenth birthday. I’m going to miss so much. I’m going to miss them. And…*
*And I’m going to miss Ao. Our relationship may have fallen apart, but I know how I feel. I’m still in love with him. I was still in love with him when I signed the divorce papers and I’m still in love with him now. I know I am, but I also know that I can’t be what he needs me to be. I can’t be what anyone needed me to be- I never could. And that’s why I need to stop dragging everyone down and just leave. It doesn’t matter what I want. I’ve been selfish for long enough, so it’s time I do one responsible thing in my life and let everyone move on and be happy. They can have their paradise if I just leave, so why am I still here, holding them back? Where’s the fairness in that?*
Mourning all that he was about to leave behind, Beelzebub wept in front of the family portrait a while longer before he wearily paced toward the front door. He paused, his hand outstretched and about to grasp the handle. He resolved to do what he believed was the right thing, for his family and friends, but he still couldn’t stop himself from hesitating. His hand froze, not yet taking hold of the door handle. Somewhere, deep in his heart, he hoped that someone would see him leaving and stop him. He longed to hear someone, anyone, calling out to him and asking him to stay.
*...no, they wouldn’t ask me to stay. If anyone saw me here right now, I don’t think they’d be anything other than relieved.*
Fresh tears overflowed, staining his cheeks as he completed the action he’d started and opened the front door. The light of the moon was cast over Rainbow Road, giving the neighborhood a peaceful look in the dead of night. Beelzebub was sure that they would finally know genuine peace once he had vacated the premises, prompting him to step onto the porch. Slowly and silently, he closed the door behind him. As the door clicked and slotted into its frame, Beelzebub shuddered. His feet had not even left the porch before the deep, torturous longing kicked up in his chest. More than anything, he wanted to turn around and go right back into the house, rescinding his attempt to leave. However, he had decided to no longer entertain the things he wanted, no matter how fiercely the throbbing of his yearning heart tried to convince him to reconsider.
*This was supposed to be paradise, what I’d been searching for after so long… I can only hope it can still be that for everyone else once I’m no longer around to taint it.*
*Where will I go now? I could return to Hell, I suppose… but would they find me there? That is, if anyone even were to look for me. No, why would they? They’ve likely been waiting for me to call it quits and finally leave them be. I don’t think anyone will come looking for me, because nobody in their right mind would want me back.*
*Even still, though, I don’t want to go back to Hell. The mansion is still there, but I don’t think I deserve to have any amount of my former glory or status. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I suppose it doesn’t exactly matter. All that matters is that I’m not here. What happens to me beyond that isn’t important. I could turn to dust and cease to exist altogether, for all I care. At least then, there wouldn’t be any trace of me left to continue to poison everything that comes near me.*
Beelzebub spurred into motion, conducting a dreary, grief-stricken march down the driveway and away from the House Of Blue. His heart ached and wailed in time with his steps, though he kept his gaze fixed straight ahead. He would not afford himself even one more look at all that he’d built, assuring himself that he was finally doing a good deed in removing himself from the idyllic life he’d been the one to dream up two decades prior.
*This isn’t the first time I’ve fallen from paradise, but…*
He took one more step, finally having arrived at the outskirts of Rainbow Road.
*But it hurts a hell of a lot worse this time around. Back then, when I got ousted from Heaven, I was kicked out by force. They wouldn’t let me stay. This time, though, I had to realize for myself that I don’t belong here. That I really am the one ruining everything, and that the only way to fix this…*
Beelzebub planted his feet firmly on the ground, idling at the mouth of the main road leading into town.
*...is to disappear.*
Embarking on his moonlit trek, Beelzebub kept his sights set toward the horizon he would soon vanish into.
The last remaining evidence of Rainbow Road’s founder, the tears that had reached the ground and left damp spots on the concrete during his egress, would evaporate before the sun even began to peek over the horizon.