Work Text:
"What was it like to come out?"
Hanna was never the type to be visibly nervous, but she was almost certain she was shaking at the thought of having this conversation with Emily.
"Where's this coming from?"
Emily looked shocked, and Hanna panicked.
"I just- I never really asked you. I mean, what was it like to stop being one thing and become something else?"
The only girl Hanna ever kissed was Mona. Most of it was for show - to be "cool" - and Hanna always went along with it. It was a bit of fun, a way to get attention, until it started happening more often while they were alone, and quick pecks turned into long make-out sessions and Hanna knew she was falling for Mona.
Then Aria came back, and the 'A' texts started up, and Hanna started noticing Emily. Properly noticing her, for the first time, and the thoughts of her with Maya, with Alison, with any other girl made her feel physically sick with envy and Hanna wasn't exactly sure what was happening to her, because Emily Fields was all she thought about during her free time, whether it be scenarios she imagined in her head before she went to sleep - cute, romantic moments she knew would never happen - or even just a quick thought, lasting barely a second, about how gorgeous her hair looked during school that day. And even though she'd never admit it to anyone - not even Emily if they ever did get together - during those private moments when Hanna's fingers found their way between her thighs, it was always Emily's name she whimpered when she came undone. All feelings for Mona had been destroyed.
Then Caleb came along and Hanna fell in love. Proper, 'I can't see myself without you' love. She told him everything. She told him about her feelings for Mona, for Emily (reminding him that they were both completely gone now). He just smiled and told her he was bisexual, and Hanna could've sworn she saw him smile to himself next time they saw Toby Cavanaugh.
But now, in this car, it's just the two of them, and Hanna's overwhelming urge to kiss Emily has come back but she can't because of Paige, and because of Caleb, so she just does nothing and listens to Emily's reply.
"I wasn't becoming something else. I was becoming who I really am."
And for a second, Hanna thinks she can do it. She can tell Emily that yes, she loves Caleb, she loves boys, but she loves girls too. She can talk to her about Mona, about her feelings for her, about who she really is. But she can't. She can't bring herself to say it. So she just asks her, stupidly,
"You always knew?"
She thinks that maybe if Emily always knew, maybe you were supposed to always know. Caleb said he always knew. Maybe Hanna was just going through a phase, it could be hormones. She wasn't bisexual. She couldn't be.
"I couldn't admit it.."
Hanna empathizes with her, that's exactly how she feels right now. But she has to be sure..
"But you always knew?"
"Yeah."
And that does it for Hanna. She's probably not bisexual, or pansexual, or whatever the dozen other sexualities she came across when researching online were. It was probably just a phase. But she gives Emily one last line, one last sentence that will subtly try and make her put two and two together and maybe, just maybe she'll grab her and kiss her and tell her she loves her too, has always loved her, like she used to in Hanna's dreams.
"Not me. I never knew who I really was."
Emily doesn't respond.