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John didn’t mean for this be end so… intimate. It was meant to be the four of them- him and Rodney, sure, but also Teyla and Ronon- having a team picnic, on one of Atlantis’s balconies.
But that was until the bastard traitors changed their plans.
“I’m sorry John.” Teyla said as she handed him the large rug that was going to substitute as a blanket. “But Torren has been quite fussy as of late. I cannot leave him tonight.”
She looked sorry, too. Ronon, on the other hand, was looking more amused than anything.
“Yeah, and I’ve got to… train.” He said as he thrust the picnic basket at John.
“Train…” John narrowed his eyes. “Train what?”
Ronon blinked. “Me.” he said, then he turned and left without another word.
“Have fun tonight John.” Teyla said as she followed.
John glared at their retreating backs and tried to convince himself that he wasn’t actually hearing them laugh at him.
It wasn’t like he didn’t want to hang out with Rodney. They saw each other all the time- in briefings, on missions, in the mess hall. It was just that, after the effects of the Second Childhood, John was finding it harder and harder to be alone with him. It simply hurt too much.
He thought he’d buried his feelings for he abrasive scientist years ago. Rodney was arrogant and condescending, sure, but he was also kind and brave and kind of funny. And so painfully straight.
So John hid his feelings, convincing himself it was better to be Rodney’s friend that weird guy who hit on him.
But then the Second Childhood happened, and John had on of the best nights of his life. They sat on the edge of the city, overlooking the ocean, just the two of them. The bright lights of Atlantis were far behind them with nothing in front. It felt like they were the only two people in the world. Like anything was possible.
Then Rodney was saved and it was all thanks to Keller, and John was once again set aside.
Which was fine by him. Really.
“Oh, ah hey.” Rodney said as he barrelled onto the balcony. “Sorry I’m late, I got held up, Radek tried to recompress the…” he stopped and looked around. “Am I late?”
John shook his head. “No Rodney.” He dropped the rug on the ground and placed the basket on it more carefully. “It’s just the two of us tonight, so-”
“Oh, excellent!” Rodney rubbed his hands together.
“Yeah?” John asked, trying to hide the blossom of hope that was starting to grow.
“Yeah.” Rodney shrugged as he carefully and noisily lowered himself to the ground. He ripped the lid of the basket and started to ferret around inside. “More for me, uh, us.”
John sighed. Of course Rodney was talking about food.
He sat down next to him, making slightly fewer sounds, and he looked into the basket. Crackers, some cheeses, a bag of Doritos that Rodney was currently pulling out, and six bottles of “beer”, curtesy of the Athosians.
He grabbed a bottle, twisted it open and took a long drink. He was going to need it.
;;;
Rodney laughed so hard he snorted. John didn’t think his anecdote was that funny, but he didn’t want to interrupt him to tell him as much.
The temperature hadn’t dropped much, so soon after they started dividing up the food, making sure Rodney got the larger half ‘coz John wasn’t sure he’d actually eaten today, they’d both removed their jackets.
Despite the fact that they were wearing pretty much the same thing- expedition pants, plain grey shirts- John couldn’t help but think that Rodney looked far better than he did.
His arms and chest filled out the shirt quite nicely, and John had to force himself not to stare at his stomach. Instead he looked at the ocean, or the walls, or his feet. Anywhere but at Rodney.
Rodney finished laughed and helped himself to another cracker. They were almost out of food, and they were onto their last beers. Soon this evening would draw to a close, and John would go back to his room, alone, and lay in the darkness wishing he were a braver man.
“Did you want it?” Rodney asked around a mouthful of food. He held out the cracker. “It’s the last one?”
John cocked an eyebrow. “Rodney McKay sharing food? This has gotta be a first.”
Rodney huffed. “Well if you’re gonna be like that.”
He pulled his hand away, but John reached out and grabbed the cracker, his finger tips brushing over Rodney’s palm. Rodney tried to close his hand to stop John, but he was too late; instead of saving he cracker, he caught John’s hand in his own.
John forgot how to breath. It happened in the blink of an eye, so quick you could hardly count it. But here he was. Holding Rodney’s hand. Though really, Rodney was holding his hand. And Rodney was actually trying to hold onto the crack and not John, but John’s heart didn’t see it that way.
He looked up to see Rodney staring at their clasped hands, his expression unreadable. Was he upset? Happy? Annoyed?
Eventually Rodney looked up at John, and his eyes widened.
“Sorry.” He mumbled as he let go of John’s hand.
“Don’t worry about it.” John said as he rubbed his hand together, trying to brush off the tiny crumbs that stuck to his sweaty palms.
Nice one John he thought, the one time you hold hands with the guy and you’re sweating like a whore in church.
Rodney didn’t seem to notice, thankfully. He was staring straight ahead, like there was something dreadfully important way out to sea.
With most of the crumbs gone and lost to the wind, John grabbed his beer. It was almost empty, practically just the dregs left, but it felt nice to have something physical to do, to stop him thinking. The glass felt warm and wet in his hands, the condensation dripping onto his fingers.
“So.” he said, because he needed to break the impending silence. “How’s Keller?”
Rodney frowned. “Good, I guess?”
John turned to him. “You guess?”
“Well I don’t know.” Rodney snapped as he narrowed his eyes. “She’s, she’s Keller. I see her in the infirmary and that’s it.”
“Oh.” John said. “I, ah, I thought the two of you were, ah…”
Hope bubbled in his chest but he tampered it down.
“Oh, ah no.” Rodney winced. “It sort of, didn’t really, ah… what I mean is, the mechanics of it- not the mechanics! But ah, we didn’t really-”
“Rodney.” John interrupted.
“Yes?”
“You can just say it didn’t work out.”
“Oh thank god.” Rodney breathed a sigh of relief. “It didn’t work out. I mean, she’s nice enough, it just would have been a bit weird.”
“She is your doctor. There’s probably a rule against that or something.” John said with half a shrug, trying to seem supportive and not happy. He took a sip of his beer, the last remaining drops clinging to the inside of the bottle.
“Well no one cared when Carson and I dated so-”
John gasped, and the beer went down the wrong pipe. The bubbles stuck to the inside of his throat as he scrambled for a breath.
“Jesus!” Rodney cried. He leaned over and wacked John’s back, harder than what was necessary.
“I’m okay.” John croaked out, though he wasn’t sure how true that was, because it felt like Rodney’s hand lingered on his back before quickly pulling away.
“You sure?” Rodney asked.
John nodded. “I was just, ah, surprised.”
“About Carson and I? John, you knew about that. Everyone knew about that… you did know about that, right?”
He shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. Rodney. Dated Carson. Who is a man. Rodney has dated a man in the past. Rodney is not as straight as his constant pining let on.
“Oh, well, it was only for like a minute, back in Antarctica.”
“I thought you guys hated each other back then?”
“Eh, hate is a strong word. Couldn’t stand working with the guy, but, uh, well, the cold makes for strange bedfellows as they say, or should say… you sure you’re, okay?” Rodney squinted at him.
He nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Oh god, you’re not homophobic, are you?”
“What!”
“I mean, I know your military has that insane don’t ask don’t tell policy, which is frankly just absurd when you think about it, because why is it okay for Sargent Willows over there to talk about his various and sundry sexual exploits but god forbid Lieutenant Brogan talk about his boyfriend back at home, no siree, coz that will be the one thing that will bring down your whole country-”
“Rodney.” He interrupted with a laugh. Truthfully, this was one of his favourite versions of Rodney- ranty-Rodney. A Rodney so focussed on being right, so passionate about what he was saying, that he could talk himself till he was blue in the face.
“And yes, okay, I know Canada doesn’t have the best track record with this kind of thing but we’re far more superior than you on this topic and that’s a fact, probably, and-”
“Rodney!”
“So you can take your homophobia and shove it up your-”
“I’m gay!”
Both John and Rodney froze. He hadn’t meant to come out like that. In fact, John had pretty much assigned himself to the fact that he’d never come out, at least not while he was in uniform.
But here he was, shouting it out for all the world to hear.
“You’re… what?” Rodney asked.
“I’m gay.” John said, much quieter this time.
“Are you serious?”
John rolled his eyes. “No Rodney, I came out to you as a joke- yes I’m serious.”
“Oh.” Rodney shuffled awkwardly. “I didn’t know.”
John chuckled. “That was kind of the plan.”
“You’re just so…”
“Ruggedly handsome? Suave?” he said with a smirk.
“Flirtatious.” Rodney said with a roll of his eyes.
John shrugged. “Eh, flirting’s easy.”
“I beg to differ.” Rodney snorted.
“Come on, you’ve got more game than you let on.”
Rodney shook his head.
“Rodney, out of the two of us here, you’re the only one who’s actually ever dated anyone since we got here. Not to mention the fact that you almost married Katie Brown.”
“That would have been a mistake.” Rodney mumbled.
“Coz you’re… gay?”
Rodney shook his head. “I’m bisexual, actually.”
“That means you’re into men and women, right?” he asked.
John didn’t know too much about the LGBT world. Once he figured out he was gay, he prompt tried to ignore the fact for years. He was already the family screw up; he didn’t need to add insult to injury.
“Men, women, that wraith in the simulator that one time, the one who looked like that hot Ancient…”
Rodney shrugged, and suddenly John was laughing.
“Oh God, I’m sorry…” he said in between breaths.
Rodney glared at him, then joined in.
John felt lighter and better than he had in a long time. He could smell the ocean, feel the light breeze, and hear their laughs as they echoed off the walls around them.
“But seriously, this flirting thing.” Rodney said when he finally stopped laughing. “How do you do it?”
John shrugged. “It’s easy, really.”
“Not for me it isn’t.”
“Well, if you ever want to, you can practice on me.”
Rodney’s eyes widened, before he turned away to stare at his leg. He picked at a loose thread, and John’s heart dropped.
He was about to apologise for saying such a stupid thing, but Rodney spoke first.
“Is that all it would be?”
“Huh?”
“No, no it’s fine.” He smiled sadly. “I can see why you’d only want me to flirt with you as a practice, and not… not for real.”
John’s mouth went dry. Was Rodney… was he really saying what he thought he was saying. Sure, John had had a few to drink, but he was in no way drunk enough to be hallucinating. It was as if Rodney wanted to flirt with him for real.
In a flash, the last 5 years of John’s life flashed before his eyes. All the banter, the bickering, the back and forth between them. The smiles and the shouting matches. How Rodney ran to him when he woke up alone and scared in the infirmary. How Rodney was always so annoyed when anyone else even so much as looked at John.
Could Rodney like him back?
John swallowed. “You, uh, can flirt with me for real.”
Rodney’s gaze snapped back to him so quickly John was sure he’d get whiplash. “Really?”
John smiled. “Yes Rodney. Hell, I might even flirt back.”
Rodney blinked at him for a moment more, before he sat up straighter, rolled his shoulders, and started to perform what could only be described as vocal warm up exercises, rolling his tongue and making popping sounds.
John shook his head and tried not to laugh out loud. I guess it’s a good thing the others bailed after all.