Archive of Our Own ^beta

Wylan had killed people. He’d rigged explosives, survived poison, blown up too many people and buildings to count. He’d fed his friends butterflies and willingly entered a relationship with one of the most unpredictable and dangerous people in the Barrel. And yet, none of those things scared him even an ounce as much as the thought of his father. Nothing scared him as much as the revelation that he was not only the richest merch’s son, but also that he was a useless son, so useless that Van Eck had sent people to kill him, multiple times. 

One of them had almost succeeded. He still felt the water envelop him, the darkness of the Ketterdam bay pulling him down. He’d been about ready to give up, when the assassin let go, believing that he’d killed Wylan. Wylan had been tempted to stay there, letting the water claim his freezing body, but then a small, defiant spark inside of him flared up. 

I won’t let him win, he thought, and for the first time, he’d meant it. 

What had come after was a whirlwind, that first night with Jesper, that wonderful, brilliant, delirious first night with Jesper, leaving in the morning, getting recruited by Kaz and then, upon the Crows’ return, getting recruited for good. 

Now, after everything, after Rollins and Ravka and Inej leaving, Wylan was a Crow. He was one of a band of five, minus one who was roaming the world to save people like her. And still, he was afraid. Afraid of what it would mean if Nina and Inej would find out, if Kaz would find out… if Jesper found out. 

Jesper, whose easy smiles made Wylan’s heart light up in ways he hadn’t thought possible, not after everyone he’d ever known and loved had ended up dying or abandoning him. He hadn’t planned for any of the things that happened to him in his years barely surviving in the barrel, but Jesper was the last thing he’d expected. Jesper had turned his life upside down and as he stared up at the ceiling, an arm wrapped around Jesper’s middle as the other’s head rested on his chest, breathing softly. Jesper had fallen asleep after another night of deep kisses, hot mouths and delirious pleasure, holding onto Wylan like a lifeline. 

And now, Wylan couldn’t sleep. The letters he’d hidden under the bed in his old workshop burned into his mind, even after weeks of not receiving any. He’d moved away and he’d almost hoped that his father had forgotten about him- or at least, decided that Wylan was most likely dead.

Kaz wasn’t exactly advertising Wylan’s presence as his new demolitions expert, and Wylan had been away in Ravka. So he’d hoped, beyond hope, that he would finally be free of his father, of the cursed Van Eck name and everything that came with it. Everything that he still hadn’t told Jesper. Jesper, who’d been so forthcoming about his own secrets, after everything. Who’d told him about the dream he’d had under the influence of the poison. About his mother, his power and why he was hiding it away. 

Wylan couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t tell Jesper that his father was so ashamed of him, because he couldn’t read and he couldn’t do anything and he was useless, if it wasn’t about music and chemicals. And what good were explosions outside of the work they were doing with Kaz? 

Jesper shifted in Wylan’s arms and Wylan wanted to cry. Suddenly, he missed his warehouse, even if he hadn’t slept there for weeks now. It would be so much easier to slip away into a corner and curl up, crying into his hands until his eyes were puffy. And he wouldn’t have to explain, especially not to Jesper, whose eyes were so deep and brown and beautiful that he’d see right through every single one of Wylan’s thinly fabricated lies. 

The air in the room was too thick and Wylan gasped, gently pushing Jesper off of him as he rolled out of the bed, thankful that the other was well and truly knocked out. He didn’t even spare a glance at his boyfriend sleeping soundly, which usually would’ve calmed him down, but now he just needed to leave, get out, breathe in air that wasn’t here, in this room that would only be welcoming to Wylan Hendricks and not Wylan Van Eck. 

Hot tears ran down Wylan’s face as he stumbled down the stairs, knowing that at this time, not even the Slat would have anyone awake. He walked into the kitchen, towards the kettle and methodically started making a cup of tea, his hands shaking and his vision blurry. He was cold and alone and his mind was running laps around him, his emotions going haywire and all he could hear was screaming - and the water, threatening to drown him, as it should have, that day in the bay, years ago now, when his father had first decided that he wasn’t worth living, that he didn’t deserve a second chance, not even in the Barrel, that he cared more about his reputation than the life of his son. 

‘You’ll burn yourself,’ a cold voice cut through Wylan’s internal monologue. 

He flinched so hard he dropped his tea cup, the clang of the metal cup deafening in the silent night air. Wylan slowly turned around to see Kaz standing in the entrance way, leaning on his cane, dressed in a dark dress shirt and dark trousers, which Wylan guessed passed as sleepwear for his friend. 

‘K-Kaz,’ Wylan stammered, a hand coming up to frantically push away the tears from his face. He didn’t want anyone to see him cry, let alone Kaz Brekker, who would probably only see Wylan as weaker than he already thought he was. He shivered. 

‘Put this on,’ Kaz said, throwing an old, blue jacket at Wylan from across the room. ‘You’re freezing.’

Wylan blinked, too stunned to continue crying. 

‘W-what?’

Kaz raised an eyebrow. 

‘Go sit down,’ he grumbled. ‘You’re shaking too much to make tea, saint’s sake.’

Wylan methodically pulled the jacket over his shoulders, sitting down at the kitchen table, staring as Kaz made his way to the kettle, picking up where Wylan had left off and making a kettle of tea. 

‘What are you doing?’

Kaz’s eyebrow stayed raised. 

‘Making tea.’

‘I- I can see that,’ Wylan stammered. ‘But-’

‘I want tea,’ Kaz said simply. ‘And you were standing in the way.’

Wylan blinked some more, his heart still racing, but he was still too shocked by Kaz’s strange…. kindness to continue crying. The kitchen fell silent as the kettle started to boil over the fire and Kaz filled two cups with steaming tea, setting them on the table. 

‘Here,’ he said, gruffly, sitting down at the table opposite Wylan. ‘Drink.’

Wylan stared at Kaz for a few moments before he turned to his tea, breathing in the aroma. It was minty, with a hint of other herbs and spices. Even just a single lung full of the stuff settled something inside of him and in the quiet of the kitchen, both men slowly sipped the tea. Finally, Wylan felt steady enough to look back up, meeting Kaz’s gaze, who’d been looking at Wylan like he was an equation to solve.

‘Thank you,’ Wylan said, quietly. ‘What- what’s in this?’

Kaz’s face twitched into a barely-there smirk. 

‘It’s just peppermint and some valerian. It’s good for nightmares.’

Wylan frowned, remembering what Jesper had told him about what Kaz had said to Pekka Rollins that night, about two boys, dead in the canal, one reborn. Did- did Kaz have nightmares? 

‘Ah,’ Wylan said, unsure how to continue the conversation. ‘I didn’t- Sorry if I woke you up.’

Kaz scoffed silently. 

‘You didn’t,’ he said simply and the deep circles underneath his eyes told Wylan that Kaz didn’t exactly sleep much lately. Suddenly, he looked down at the blue jacket he was wrapped up in. It looked worn, fitting his smaller frame and he recognized the colour scheme. It must have been Inej’s. Wylan’s heart ached in sympathy for Kaz- he couldn’t imagine Jesper so far away from him and even if Kaz would never admit it, Wylan could see that he was suffering. 

‘Wylan,’ Kaz finally said. ‘He won’t find you here.’

Wylan’s heart stopped. 

‘W-what?’ he asked, desperately hoping he’d misunderstood. 

‘Your father won’t find you,’ Kaz repeated, his voice steely. ‘I’ll make sure of that.’

Wylan couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think - Kaz knew, but he couldn’t, he shouldn’t, now everything was destroyed and he’d be kicked out of the Crows and Jesper would leave and maybe he’d just been poisoned-

‘Wylan,’ Kaz said, his steady voice doing nothing to dissuade the onslaught of panic rising in Wylan. ‘He can’t touch you here.’

‘Y-you k-know?’ Wylan stammered, shaking, his voice cracking. 

‘I knew from the beginning,’ Kaz said, like it was no big deal, like he hadn’t just guessed Wylan’s darkest secret. 

‘W-what?’

Kaz sipped his tea. 

‘It’s why I sent Jesper to you. You were a good demolitions expert. And I was interested to see why a rich merchling would be living on the streets.’

Wylan grit his teeth. 

‘Well, maybe it’s because my father wants me dead.’

Kaz’s eyes narrowed. 

‘What?’

Suddenly, Wylan didn’t care anymore. Kaz already knew, so what was the point of hiding the last shred of his dignity. 

‘My father wants me dead,’ he repeated, spitting out the words like venom. ‘He hates me because I’m fucking useless and he can’t have a stain of a son like me who can’t even read besmirching his image. He’s tried to kill me countless times over the years- damn near succeeded in drowning me a few years ago.’

Wylan had looked anywhere but Kaz for the past few moments, but now that everything was out in the open, he looked back and the part of him that was well and truly a Crow, a criminal, hardened by his time with the Dregs was happy with the expression on Kaz’s face. 

It was downright murderous. A few months ago, that wouldn’t have meant anything to Wylan, because to the untrained eye, Kaz always looked like he was plotting to kill someone, but now, Wylan knew how to read Kaz’s microexpressions. Right now, Kaz looked like he did when someone had threatened to kill Jesper a couple of weeks ago. Right now, he looked like when Inej had been in danger in Ravka. He looked like he had whenever Pekka Rollins’ name was mentioned. He looked like one of his Crows was in danger and he was ready to burn the entire world to the ground to get revenge. 

‘He won’t find you here,’ Kaz repeated. ‘But that doesn’t mean we won’t find him. And make him pay.’

Wylan blinked. 

‘We?’

Kaz nodded, a sharp jerk of his head. 

‘Jesper. Nina. Inej, and I. Crows remember and communicate the faces of those who’ve hurt them. He hurt one of us. That’s enough.’

Wylan had no idea how to respond to that. A small, defiant part of him was screaming in retribution, but mostly he was just… lost. He’d never thought about what would happen if the Crows found out and… accepted him. Well, Kaz had, at least. 

‘Wh- that- I-’

‘Whenever you’re ready,’ Kaz said, finishing his tea and setting out another two cups. ‘We will bring him down. Brick by brick.’

Wylan pushed away the tears that were returning to his eyes. 

‘T-thank you,’ he mumbled. ‘You- you don’t have to-’

‘We do,’ Kaz said simply. 

Silence settled over the kitchen and finally, Wylan looked down at the two empty cups. 

‘Who are they for?’

Kaz didn’t say anything for a while. 

‘Jesper. And Nina.’

Wylan raised his eyebrow. 

‘Jesper was shuffling around when I left my room. He’s about two minutes from coming down and finding you. And I can hear Nina walk down the stairs.’

Wylan’s heart started beating. 

‘A-are you gonna tell them?’

Kaz shook his head. 

‘It’s not my secret to share. If I wanted to, I’d have done so long ago.’

Wylan was quiet for a good few moments. 

‘Do you- do you think it would change things?’

Kaz’s face changed minutely.

‘I don’t know,’ he said and somehow, that soothed Wylan more than the tea. Kaz wasn’t lying to him, he wasn’t pretending that everything would be okay. Wylan heard a soft knock at the door and looked around, seeing Nina in the doorway, wrapped up in what looked like a very soft bathrobe. 

‘Morning,’ Nina said. ‘Am I interrupting?’

Wylan shook his head. 

‘Kaz made tea.’

Nina raised an eyebrow. 

‘Hot and wet, I expect?’

Kaz huffed and Wylan couldn’t help but smile slightly. Then, he heard the tell-tale sound of Jesper’s walk coming down the creaky stairs. 

‘Wy?’ he said and Wylan’s heart opened up as his boyfriend rounded the corner. ‘Oh- are we having a midnight meeting?’

Jesper had seemingly just remembered that he should probably throw on a shirt before walking downstairs and Wylan felt heat rise to his cheeks as he took in the shirt that would’ve been loose on himself, but since it most certainly wasn’t Jesper’s, it looked… well, enticingly tight. Other than that Jesper was dressed in soft, loose pants that still somehow held his guns and one of his hands was fidgeting with the silk scarf that was wrapped around his hair during the night. 

‘Not really,’ Wylan said, smiling slightly as Jesper made a beeline towards him. ‘I just- I couldn’t sleep and Kaz made me some tea.’

Jesper stopped just before Wylan. 

‘Are you alright?’ he asked, gently, waiting for Wylan to reach out and indicate he wanted to touch him first and saints, Wylan loved Jesper so much. 

Wylan blinked away new tears, looking at Kaz whose face had turned passive again. And from somewhere inside of him, he gathered a courage he’d never felt before. 

Maybe it was defiance. Maybe it was the way in which Jesper looked at him, eyes wide and so caring. Maybe it was the fact that Kaz already knew and didn’t care, in fact he’d promised to destroy his father. Maybe it was the way that Nina’s presence soothed his heartbeat, although Wylan knew she wasn’t doing it intentionally. Maybe it was the warmth of Inej’s jacket around him.

‘No,’ he said. ‘There- there is something you don’t know about me.’

Jesper sat down next to Wylan, a hand on the table as Kaz wordlessly passed out tea to him and Nina. 

‘It’s- it’s about my father,’ Wylan continued, taking a deep breath. ‘And- I’m sorry I haven’t told you. Kaz- worked it out by himself but… yeah.’

He trailed off. He looked down at his hands, anxiously fidgeting in his lap and he felt bile rise in his throat. Was he really going to do this?

‘Wy,’ Jesper said, gently. ‘You can tell us.’

‘Whenever you’re ready,’ Nina added and Wylan felt tears fall into his lap. 

And then, he was talking. He told them about how he grew up, how when he’d been young, his father had discovered that he couldn’t read, how his mother had gotten sick and died and he’d not been allowed at her funeral or at her grave and how his father had gotten increasingly abusive, how he’d grown up alone, without friends, only tutors, all of whom didn’t take him seriously, how his father had loomed over him when Wylan had come of age, telling him he was being sent away to university, how Alys had replaced his mother and their unborn child had replaced him and how his father’s men had pushed him into the canal, trying so hard to drown him, and how he’d crawled out of the canal, surviving on scraps, getting a job at the tannery and working his hands raw to afford to live for the past few years in the barrel. Until Jesper had found him- and until Kaz had found him. 

‘My real name,’ he finished, still looking at his hands, tears freely flowing down. ‘Isn’t Wylan Hendriks- It’s- it’s Wylan Van Eck.’

The silence that followed was deafening. Wylan couldn’t bring himself to look up. Now that everything was out in the open, Wylan’s courage had abandoned him. 

Finally, he heard the soft clang of metal and the scrape of a chair against the floor. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see that Jesper had gotten up, his hands clenched into fists. 

‘I-I’m sorry,’ he whispered, automatically. ‘I should’ve-’

‘You,’ Jesper hissed, voice dark and Wylan shrunk back. ‘You have nothing to be sorry for, Wy.’

Wylan looked up at that, meeting Jesper’s eyes and his breath caught. 

And he’d thought Kaz looked murderous.

There was a fire in Jesper’s eyes as his hands twitched to his sides, closing around the barrel of his guns and Wylan knew that no one, not even Jan Van Eck would survive if Jesper’s sight was set on him like this. 

‘Wylan,’ Nina said and Wylan forced himself to look away from Jesper who was still fuming, almost literally as the metal in the cup next to him started to smoke. 

‘Thank you for telling us,’ Nina said, leaning forwards on the table, her expression a mixture of care and fury, akin to Jesper’s. ‘I- I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am.’

Wylan stared at her. He’d expected anger at him, disgust that they were friends with a useless merchling son like him – he hadn’t expected sympathy. 

‘Jesper, you’re burning a hole in the table,’ Kaz said, voice even and Wylan turned back towards his boyfriend, who was still standing in front of him, hands twitching. Kaz’s voice didn’t seem to shake Jesper out of his anger and suddenly Wylan needed to touch him, needed to know that Jesper’s righteous anger wasn’t directed against him. 

Shakily, he reached out a hand, placing it over Jesper’s heart, pulling at the fabric of his own shirt and Jesper looked down at him, too many emotions behind his eyes for Wylan to catalogue. Almost immediately, Jesper’s hands moved from his guns to Wylan’s hair and his back, pulling the shorter man against Jesper’s chest and Wylan started sobbing into his boyfriend’s solid form. 

Calloused fingers began to run through Wylan’s hair, the hand on his back rubbing gently and that only served to make Wylan cry harder, now that his secret was finally out and Jesper was still hugging him, still holding onto him. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Jesper whispered. ‘I’m so sorry, Wy. You- you didn’t deserve any of that.’

‘None of it,’ Nina said from somewhere behind Wylan and Kaz hummed in accordance. That only made Wylan cry harder. 

‘You’re safe here,’ Jesper continued, the words spilling out of his beautiful lips as Wylan clawed into his shirt, holding onto Jesper like a drowning man – only he finally wasn’t drowning anymore. ‘You’re safe and he’ll never find you, he can’t touch you, he will never touch you again and if he tries, Kaz will break all of his bones and Nina will stop his heart and Inej will fillet him like a fish and I will turn his blood into lead- if he even thinks about hurting you I will make his life a living hell-’

‘J-jes-,’ Wylan whispered, the words pushing a weight off of his shoulders he’d long forgotten about. ‘You- you don’t have to-’

‘We do,’ Jesper said, his voice steady and closer and Wylan felt a soft kiss being pressed against the top of his head. 

‘We will,’ Nina added. 

‘Brick by brick,’ Kaz added. 

Wylan stayed where he was for long moments, his sobs slowly ebbing out as Jesper held him close, his hands soothing and warm and sure and as his tears started to dry, Wylan felt strangely light, like he was floating – no longer in the dark waters of the Ketterdam canal – no, this wasn’t floating. 

This was flying. Soaring, high above the canal, where his father couldn’t reach him and even if he tried, there was his flock, his murder of crows around him and they’d never let Van Eck touch him. 

Finally, Wylan looked up from his place buried in Jesper’s chest. 

‘I’m sorry for not telling you,’ he rasped, voice tired from crying. ‘I-’

‘You weren’t ready,’ Kaz said, getting up, the clack clack of his cane on the floor deafening in the silent Slat as he boiled another kettle of water. 

‘It’s okay,’ Jesper said and Wylan turned towards him. ‘You told us now.’

Wylan’s lips twitched slightly. 

‘Thank you,’ he whispered, looking up at Jesper, whose facial expression had morphed into something soft and careful. The anger was still there, deep in his eyes, hidden for now, until it would come forth, one day. 

‘All of you,’ Wylan continued, looking around the room to Nina, who was sipping her tea and Kaz, who was making another round. ‘I- I wasn’t sure if you’d- kick me out because of this.’

Kaz grumbled something about having known from the beginning but Wylan watched as Nina smiled softly. 

‘Wy, we’re a runaway Grisha in love with a Drüskelle, a touch-averse mob boss, a gymnast turned slaver hunter and a mess of a sharpshooter. I think a runaway merchling son fits.’

‘Perfectly,’ Jesper said and Wylan looked back as Jesper’s fingers came up to brush some of his tears away. ‘Besides. I’d miss your pretty face way too much.’

This time, Wylan actually smiled. Slowly, he leaned up, pressing a kiss against Jesper’s lips and revelling in the fact that Jesper still wanted to kiss Wylan Van Eck.

Then, they pulled apart and Wylan took a deep breath, finally stepping back and settling down on his chair next to Jesper, their hands intertwined under the table as Kaz served them all more tea. 

They were silent for long moments, sipping their hot tea and Wylan could finally breathe again. Then Kaz hummed. 

‘Hot and wet,’ he mumbled. ‘You were right.’

Nina, Wylan and Jesper stared at him. 

‘Did you just make a joke,’ Nina said, flabbergasted. 

‘I think he just did,’ Jesper murmured. ‘Wy, you heard that, right?’

Wylan stared at Kaz, at the unimpressed glare and saw the smallest quiver in his face, the tiniest crack in his armour. And then, Wylan started laughing, loud, giddy, because he was sitting in the Slat kitchen with a cup of tea, holding hands with his boyfriend, the deadliest and most handsome sharpshooter in all of Ketterdam, with the most lethal Heartrender across the table, and Kaz Brekker, notorious Bastard of the Barrel, had just made a joke about tea. 

He leaned against Jesper as he and Nina joined Wylan in his hysterics and Kaz raised an eyebrow, smirking slightly and Wylan knew that for the first time in years, he was safe. He was home, in Jesper’s arms, in the Slat kitchen, in Jesper’s room, with the Crows. 

And not even Jan Van Eck could take that away from him. Wylan wouldn’t allow it.