Chapter Text
December 18th, 1977
The halls were filled with laughter and excitement, students barely being able to contain the joy the winter holidays brought with them. It had been the most discussed topic over the past few weeks, of what presents they presumed they would receive, or how they would try to sneakily get drunk on eggnog their parents hid. The ambiance was almost childish, carefree in a way.
It had been a rough start of the year, and everyone was just excited to go home and breath in the familiar scent of their home, hug their parents and be free of the school stress for a while. There were no worries except for what dish they would eat at Christmas Eve, or how many fireworks would erupt at New Year's. The students were sorrow less, just how they had been born to be in the first place.
Except for Regulus. It might not come as a big surprise that he was not eager to return back home, to the dark walls that could conceal screams so well the neighbors did not even bat an eye. To the mundane meals filled with the hysterical laughter of his cousin Bellatrix, and endless teasing and prying on his personal stories that begged not to be told.
Frankly, Regulus hated every single second he spent at Grimmauld's place. This summer had been horrible, but he knew, that the holidays during the year would always be much worse. It was like Hogwarts enveloped Regulus in a comforting, protecting blanket only to be ripped off him the second it felt like a layer of his skin. It was as if the world constantly wanted to remind him that he could be anywhere in the world, but security would never be granted to him.
Despite other people's believes, despite what you might think, Regulus liked to pretend. Yes, he was never one to keep realism out of his mind, but there was something oddly comforting to him about gaslighting himself that a situation was much more pleasant than it actually was.
And so, instead of dwelling on the fact that after months of comfort, he would return to the castle in two weeks, decorated with blooming colors on his arms, legs, sometimes even his neck, although that was generally avoided, he tried to think of Kreacher.
That poor elf was the closest and only thing Regulus ever had that was anything close to family, despite Sirius. Kreacher had been the one to bring him salves when the skin was peeling off, when he had needed stitches because the cut had been too deep. Kreacher would do anything for Regulus, something so unusual to Regulus, that he tried his best to smile at him even when he felt like he was dying. A smile was a rarity in the noble House of Black, and Kreacher was always one to cherish one.
Even if a smile or laugh caught by his mother would only result in more dark spots.
Regulus usually covered them with a couple of spells he had learned as a first grader after a guy had asked him whether he had fallen down the stairs. Regulus had never been more flustered and scared than in that moment, as an 11-year old who had been made fun of till he had learned to bite back and draw blood with it.
As he had gotten older, Regulus, however, had only put on temporary covering spells, renewing them every few hours. This was because, at night, when he did not have any energy left in his body to pretend, he would stare and stare and stare at his colorful bruises, till his eye lids would close. There were never any particular thoughts that arose from this staring, mostly just void. Deep, black void.
No amount of pretending could, however, deny that Regulus was scared. Very much frightened. And a part of him believed the cause of this fear he had thought himself immune to, was James Potter.
Regulus had only dreamt of Charlie thrice these entire months which was a blessing, as for Regulus' standards. Last summer, there had not been a single night without the pampering regret in his chest and the sobs he had to choke on to not be heard. He could not exactly recall when they had subsided, but he was guessing it was around the time they had started investigating. It had distracted Regulus from himself, reminded him that there were other people out there with fucked up lives, that he was not the only one who would get bruises.
And somehow, by having James on his side, Regulus would even go as far as to admit to himself that he felt comfortable in his presence. He did not have to watch his mouth, he could come up with the meanest comment he could master, and James would still end up laughing at it, shaking it off. No one he had ever met, reacted like that.
He liked that he did not have to control his impulses, he could just do whatever he wanted and James would let him. But most of all, Regulus liked that James trusted him with this investigation, and that they were helping people. Maybe even saving lives.
Because although Regulus had destroyed more than just one life, fixing at least one, made him not want to meet his end so soon.
All of this, was because of no one other than James. And a selfish part of him hated the boy for it, because now, there was fear settling in his stomach where there used to be void. Because now, he had to learn again what it was like to block out his feelings. Because now, he was back to being a frightened kid, who could not even protect his brother.
The train would leave tomorrow morning, early as the birds, filled with laughter and excitement Regulus would nearly choke on.
Every year, it was the same.
And every year, Regulus wanted to die.
-----------------------
''So, you and Remus, huh? I really don't wanna say I knew it before you did, but, can't help it. Not my fault you were being such an oblivious twat.'', James joked, swatting Sirius on the head.
''Oi, stop it, would you! He was not being the most obvious, was I supposed to smell what he was feeling?'', Sirius fired back, shoulders touching with James where they were laying on the cold floor, underneath the Whoomping Willow.
The weather was stormy, bright white flakes coating the grounds in snow. Besides the point that it was absolutely freezing, James had forced Sirius to take a walk with him, just the two of them, to find out all the ''hows'' and ''whens'' and ''whats''. Although James tried very much to stop Sirius from blabbering about unnecessary details that he would need a WEEK at least to get out of his head.
''Not being the most OBVIOUS? Mate, I know that you are absolutely stupid, but that is even a crazy statement for you.'', James fired back, a laugh bubbling in his throat at Sirius' exasperated expression.
''He is like that with everyone. You know the flirty jokes and looks. Do you remember fourth year, when he was constantly flirting with Lily? Like what the fuck was that.'', Sirius reminded James, the pleased look on his face immediately growing sour at the reminder. James couldn't swallow another laughter.
''Are you seriously still jealous about that? When we were FOURTEEN?'', James asked, humor glinting in his eyes. And God, Sirius could do nothing besides admire the spark that had slowly seemed to find its way back into James' eyes. It was not as bright as it had always been, but it didn't have to. After loosing your spark, even regaining the tiniest bit of it, meant so much more than it had before.
Just as Sirius wanted to open his mouth to most definitely again disagree with Everything James was saying, James continued: ''And as if it was not clear as day that the only reason they even did that, was to get a reaction out of you. Oh my God, I remember you sulking for WEEKS after that. Whenever I asked you what was going on, you would just say ''schoolwork''. So yeah, excuse me for calling you stupid and oblivious, when THAT was your answer.''
''Well, yes, whatever, but you have to agree with me when I say that THAT must have been the stupidest way to get someone to realize you like them. I never understand why people try to make someone they like jealous, it just makes the other person feel like they do not have a chance anyway.'', Sirius stated thoughtfully, with snow flakes in his hair and on his lashes. He had never looked more like a kid than he did then.
James merely laughed at Sirius' statement, earning him a hit on his arm and an exasperated WHAT?.
''Nothing, it's just.'', James started smirking again. ''It's just that that was exactly what you were doing the entire YEARS, with the only difference being that you never realized WHY you did it.'', James continued, turning his head to face a rather composed looking Sirius.
They stayed in silence for a while, the kind of silence that gets you thinking of everything and everyone you love the most. The kind of silence where you can just let your mind wander without being scared of where it would end up at. Minutes must have passed before Sirius cleared his throat.
''I think I love him, James'', Sirius whispered quietly, as if saying it out loud scared him. As if Love scared him. Sirius finally turned to look at James, fear glinting in his eyes. James only laid there, waiting patiently for him to go on when he was ready.
''And that freaks the shit out of me.'', Sirius admitted, moisture collecting in his eyes. ''I don't- I don't think I know how to love, James. I am afraid I will just be shit at it, like everything else. And Remus, God, he is so perfect and I LOVE HIM, Fuck, I LOVE HIM so much it pains me, but he deserves someone who knows how to love him back. In the right way.''
James simply stared at Sirius for a while, taking in the view of his best friend, his PERSON, the one he would sell a kidney for. It occurred to James, in this moment, how someone could go from being a complete stranger to a person you would kill and die for, just to not live without them. In retrospect, James could not even remember how they had gotten this close, all he remembered was looking at Sirius and thinking: Yes, this is mine.
One of the few things James had always despised about himself, was his possessiveness when it came to his friends, especially to Sirius. He loved Sirius so much, that he wanted to be the sole one to make him laugh and smile and squeal in the way he did. He had found him FIRST, so he should get to keep him.
With the years passing, his childishness did too, but that feeling never fully left him. It was different with Remus and Peter, of course. He never felt any jealousy when Sirius went out with Peter or Remus. In fact, he was just happy whenever Sirius was. But with others, he just had to resist the urge to scream: You do not know him the way I do! You do not know what he needs!.
James was more than aware that this was toxic and mean, but when he loved someone, he loved them with his whole entire being. He had never been able to do half-hearted things, especially not when it came to love.
So, James let himself simply stare at Sirius, for a second longer, cursing everyone who had ever made him feel like being loved by him did not feel like standing on top of the world. Cursing everyone who made him think that love could only be ugly.
''Sirius, I can't even count on both hands how many people you love. Remus, Peter, Mary, Marlene, Lily, Frank, Fabian, Euphemia, Monty, Regulus, Minerva, me. The List goes on. There are so many people for who your love is one of the reasons they get up in the morning. Do you really think they believe you love them in a wrong way? Is there even a wrong way to love anyone when we are all humans and learning? You have loved your entire life, even if you were not aware of it. Hate is love in a way too, Sirius. And I understand why romantic love might now scare you, but in the end it is as simple as platonic love. There is no guideline for ''How to Love''. You just have to allow yourself to feel fully, to embrace the bad and good thoughts.''
Sirius' tears were now flowing freely, sobs echoing through the silence of the woods. He had his hands over his face, and that made James crack. Because after all these years, no matter how much love James had given Sirius, showing vulnerability was still the worst thing for his friend.
You can't fix someone's problems by loving them blindly and intensely, you can only hold them through the pain they have no choice but to work through.
So, James scooched in closer to Sirius, his freezing arms holding Sirius close, who in turn buried his face in James' neck. They stayed like this for a while, ragged breathing being the only sound. It had stopped snowing quite a while ago, the sky getting darker and darker by second. They would have to go back in the dark, but the biggest problem was the sharp cold.
And Yes, they were obviously wizards, but neither of them made a move to cast a warming spell, embracing the cold that made your jaw cackle, embracing this sad moment.
After what must have been at least another half an hour, Sirius wiped his nose and sat upright.
''Bollocks, my balls are freezing off.'', was what broke the silence and caused them to go spiraling in laughter. James finally stood up and offered Sirius his already blue hand, who in turn made a disgusting look and got up by himself.
''Yeah, ain't no way I am touching those shriveled looking spinach hands, hard pass.'', Sirius joked, who in turn got hit by a hard snowball right in his face.
''You absolute wanker!'', he screamed in offense, successfully wiping the snow out of his eyes when he was hit with another one. ''Okay, you are SO on. There is no way you are getting back to the castle alive.'', Sirius threatened, all the amusement gone from his voice.
James' stomach started hurting from his nonstop laughter. ''Omg, you should see your face. You look absolutely ridi-''. James could not finish his sentence as the biggest snow ball he had ever seen landed right on his chest.
''Fuck you!'', Sirius screamed, running straight to the castle, when he slipped on a piece of ice.
And this time, when James offered him his hand, Sirius took it with the brightest grin in a while.
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''I want you to come with me.'', Sirius whispered breathless into the kiss, pulling Remus closer by the hair.
All that earned him was a deep moan from Remus, who was willing to go wherever Sirius wanted to. With an eagerness apparently, nearly throwing Sirius off the bench they were sitting on in a secluded corner of the castle. This was new to them, their relationship.
It had never been a question for Remus whether Sirius WANTED to be his boyfriend, he had just announced it to James and Peter as if it was a casual thing. Judging by Sirius' reaction, who had basically melted into the floor and thrown himself at Remus the second their friends had left, their relationship was the best thing that had happened to the both of them in a while. Maybe even in life.
But how can one tell, when in love such simple things as remembering a time before that love becomes so difficult and biased?
Love truly is the most deceiving and loyal emotion, either causing pain or joy, sometimes a sting of both.
''Remus, did you hear anything I said?'', Sirius tried again, using all his power to form correct sentences because, given how eager Remus was licking into his mouth, his brain was in a short circuit. Still, there was barely anytime in the past few days since they had been dating that they had kept their hands off each other. Which made sense.
If you spent so long longing after someone, even unconsciously, there is no way in hell you will let it get out of your eyes, even if it's only for a split second. It was nice to Sirius, to know that whatever you are doing, someone is doing it with you.
''Nope. And don't plan on it. Quite busy right now, actually.'', Remus argued, biting on Sirius' lip as if to make an emphasis, earning him a groan from the boy.
But Sirius, the mood swinging boy he was, firmly pushed Remus away. ''Stop looking at me like that Remus'', Sirius exhaled exasperatedly, retaining his composure barely enough to keep himself from throwing Remus against a wall when the boy bit his lip.
''What are you talking about? I am not doing anything'', Remus replied, eyes faking innocence. But how could Sirius resist from touching and kissing and loving Remus when he was right there and looked like THAT. Pupils blown wide, lips red. Sirius thought to himself: this was why manhood built churches and building so beautiful you could barely take your eyes off. To cherish and worship the breathtaking beauty that was Remus Lupin.
Present Sirius felt the immense need to punch Past Sirius once again, an urge that was growing by day. Because in what world could Sirius have woken up every day next to Remus and not fallen on his knees immediately? He hated Past Sirius. He even hated Present Sirius a bit. But that's besides the point, no?
Besides the point Remus was definitely intend on making, lips crashing onto his, taking his breath. ''Seriously, Remus. You can't just look so divine and then shut me up with a kiss. It won't work.'', Sirius stated, lying quite obviously, as his hands threaded through Remus' hair, chasing a kiss just like he had chased happiness. And there it was, right in his palm. But Sirius was not, for once in his life, afraid of breaking this good thing. He knew, no matter how hard they tugged and fisted at it, it would not break.
That was the comforting thing about Remus. He was all scratches and teeth, but somehow in a way that left you longing for more. And maybe it had something to do with his upbringing, but roughness had started growing on him. Something that reminded him of the here and now, of the pain love brought with it. Sirius was not sure if love was inherently supposed to also mean pain, but all he had ever experienced in his life was agony, so why would you blame him for hoping that he had at least experienced a bit of love, even if it was in the form of pain?
Because being loved and being in pain, was better than not being loved at all.
''No, but Remus, seriously. I want you to go to the Potters with me. I have already asked James, he also wants you to. I - I really want you to be with me.'', Sirius admitted, a blush creeping on his cheeks. Remus had stilled, his hands floating where one second ago he had just been stroking Sirius' hair.
''I- I mean if- if you think that's a- a bad idea, we- we definitely don't have to-'', Sirius started, scratching his hair in embarrassment. But he barely had a second to once again want to punch himself for saying that, when Remus interrupted him with a kiss, so different from their others. It was slow, and warm and so full of feeling, Sirius' inside warmed up. It was coming inside from the freezing cold to find the chimney on. It was a long-awaited storm after a beautiful summer day. It was perfection.
When Remus pulled away, something vulnerable was visible in his eyes, something so pure Sirius was afraid to look at it. ''Of course I want to, you idiot.'', Remus replied, a shaky laughing coming out his throat, shortly joined by a rather relieved looking Sirius.
''God, that was top ten most scary moments in my life. Why exactly I am scared, like we are literally dating. Why are you scaring me, Moony?'', Sirius asked, faking offense.
''Because love is a scary thing, Padfoot'', Remus replied, shock showing on his face at the realization of what he had just said. ''I did not mean to- ti say that out- out loud, that was- stupid- I - I mean'', Remus started stuttering, pure dread on his face.
Sirius only started outright barking from laughter. ''Now, who is the one stuttering, huh?'', Sirius teased, trying to distract from his blush with a smile so bright, even the sun was jealous. Remus only rolled his eyes at his comment, pinching Sirius in the side, resulting in them falling to the ground in a cloud of laughter and tickling.
And although you, dear reader, might be surprised at this early love confession, I can assure you, some things in life are just clear as day. Why this might be accelerating too fast for you, remember, there were people being murdered brutally, people they knew and had learned to love.
It is kind of ironic, actually, how we people only get to courage to speak up about who or what we love, in the moments death has come knocking on our door.
And yes, death was indeed close by, but together, living on was not so much a burden for neither Sirius or Remus anymore, it was something to look forward to.
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James could barely contain his excitement to go back home.
He could feel his insides warming up at the thought of hugging his mother again, the scent of ajiaco coating the kitchen. James had not seen his parents since September, not even at the funeral where he had needed them the most. Dumbledore had refused him this support, saying he couldn't make an excuse for anyone.
What bullshit. What kid was supposed to lose his close friend, and then only be able to talk to his parents, out of all people through letters? What were you even supposed to write on them? How there was this hole inside of you you were afraid of never patching up again? How you felt guilty for tearing down the mood whenever he was with his friends?
Words were and will never be adequate to describe grief. It is something that is rock deep within you, a part even. One can only show it.
So, in a way, James was also a bit afraid of returning back home, returning to a place that would remind him of a past self were he had not come to know pain as a constant companion. But, James was healing, as much as he could be, and he was grateful every day for that. It does get better.
Yes, it had been months since the incident, and yes, he had still very much bawled up mere days ago in Regulus' presence, out of all people, but he was moving onwards. That had to count for something.
So, instead of focusing on his fears, he inhaled the scents of cinnamon and cloves drifting through the Great Hall, vibrating with the excitement of the holidays. Everything was perfect.
Except for this certain new development which Peter and he liked to call ''the old married couple''. This said, long-awaited couple was throwing literal GRAPES in each other's mouths at the moment, but not in a platonic, funny way, no, in a I-am-fucking-you-with-my-eyes way.
God, spare him.
''Open your mouth wider'', Sirius demanded, his eyes roaming over Remus' face when he did as he was told. The grape landed right into Remus' move who crushed it in a second, liking his lips of the juice. James was fairly sure Sirius was two seconds away from fainting.
''Can you guys survive one fucking second without eye-fucking each other? Would truly appreciate it.'', Peter complained, rolling his eyes and turning back to his chicken, who he had apparently sticked to abusing with his knives before speaking up. James had never loved Peter more.
Was James enormously happy for Remus and Sirius? Hell yeah. Did it make a part of him want to rip his skin off in pure jealousy? Again, hell yeah.
He, of course, would never say anything, not daring to interrupt their little public displays. That is why everyone needed an honest friend like Peter. Thank the Gods for him.
Before Peter could even take a single bite off his chicken, Sirius had thrown one of the grapes at Peter, which escalated at an impressive pace into a big grape fight. But James was too busy staring at the person that had just entered the Great Hall, no one other than Regulus Black.
Regulus Black, the alleged mean and feared boy of stone and void of emotion, at least to some people. To James, however, Regulus hid his emotions as well as a child begging for candy. Somehow, he knew him, or at least he liked to think of it that way.
Cause the few times Regulus had comforted him, been there for him and vice versa, that is what makes you see another person. Regulus could try to convince himself for as long as he wished that he did not feel anything, but James knew better. And it was clear as day that this Regulus, who was currently making his way to the Slytherin Table, was the furthest away from fine one could be.
James' hands fisted at the thought of someone hurting Regulus. His anger was sharp, burning, always threatening to slice skin.
People generally thought of James as walking sunshine, a golden retriever, but hell, if you ever hurt someone he held close to his heart, running would do you no good. You would already be dead.
James had to bite his cheek so hard he could taste copper from restraining himself from jumping up and rushing to the younger boy. It would be stupid, yes, and certainly rise many questions, but fuck, Regulus was not alright and James felt the sudden urge to change that.
But making their alliance, friendship, or whatever you would call them, known, would do the both of them more harm than good. So, James merely allowed his gaze to follow Regulus, not ashamed of the fact that he was bluntly staring.
And consider this his Christmas present for Regulus: making sure that he would never have to see a hurt Regulus ever again.
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If eyes could make you turn into puddle, Regulus Black's knees would give out.
What the fuck was James Potter doing? Regulus could practically feel holes being stared into his face.
It wasn't as if Regulus wasn't used to people staring at him. I mean, he was the heir to the Black Empire. So, quite naturally, being inspected was old news to him. But whatever James was doing, it was robbing Regulus of his breath. He had never felt more unsure of where to put his hand, God, even of how to hold a fucking fork.
This was going to be the death of him. James was gonna be given a long lecture later about not staring at people so directly. Fucking rude, this man.
''Why is James Potter staring holes into your face?'', Dorcas commented, voice thick. Regulus did not dare to look up, fearing his face might reveal too much.
''Got no clue what you are talking about.'',Regulus replied, dead-panned, taking a sudden interest in slicing his potatoes into tiny cubes.
''Yeah, no, not buying that'', Dorcas replied, tone rising. Regulus could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. ''First, Potter turns up out of nowhere and throws you against the fucking wall, and then he hasn't taken his eyes off of you for the entire duration of our meal. So, don't give me your bullshit.''
Regulus merely swallowed, feeling like he was gonna be sick. Not now, Dorcas, he wanted to beg her. Anytime, but not now.
Evan seemed to sense his internal struggling, opting for a quick: Let it be, Dorcas. Which apparently was not the right choice of words.
''Why aren't you saying anything about this? Like Evan, there is obviously something going on and he is not telling us.'', Dorcas replied, now agitated. However, when she registered the look on Evan's face, she went quiet.
''Oh, he told you, didn't he? You know about whatever the FUCK this is? And I- I don't?'', she forced out, voice breaking. Regulus felt his chest clench at the pure hurt in her voice, was too afraid of looking Dorcas in the eye.
''We are a literal team. It is Evan, Regulus, Pandora and Dorcas. Always. Since fucking Day One. We KNOW each other. How the fuck could you, Regulus? And then lie in my face as if I am some stupid chick? FUCK you.'', Dorcas practically cursed, bench scraping. The sound was what finally made Regulus raise his head, although he regretted it the second he did.
Dorcas' anger had seeped into something so much worse than fury: disappointment. If there was one thing Regulus hated the most in this cruel world, was someone he loved being disappointed at him. And Fuck, it was too much.
Seeing Dorcas visibly hurt, standing there with hope in her eyes that maybe, maybe once Regulus would jump over his shadows and apologize, that maybe he would forget his own struggles and just talk, merely talk to her. But every cell in Regulus' body was screaming at him, screaming to leave this god forsaken place, to curl up in a ball and beat himself up about this later.
Regulus could count on his hand how many times he had apologized in his life. He wasn't proud of it, if anything ashamed, but a piece of him always held him back when the syllables of ''sorry'' had touched his tongue.
Except for...
I am so sorry, Mike. I did not want this to happen. Please forgive me. nothing but empty words over an already dead corpse.
Sirius, Sirius, I am begging you, please stay. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry of watching her beat you. I didn't know what else to do.. nothing but void apologies whisked away in the cold wind of a door shutting.
Pandora, I am sorry for having to do this. I do- I do not want to leave you, I just- I can't take this anymore. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. I don't know how to make it stop..this time, desperation turned into hope.
Regulus had long stopped hating himself for this imperfection. But now, staring into Dorcas' eyes, full of hope, he couldn't bear to see this hope turn into disappointment again. He would collapse.
So, he did what he was best at.
He ran out of the Hall before Dorcas' tears even touched her cheek.
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James often felt stupid.
For example, when he failed Transfiguration class only to see Lily getting a perfect score. Or When Remus had to explain Muggle objects to him. Or when he did not know how to shut up the mandrake that was biting scars into his hand. So, to put into simple terms, roughly half of the time.
But, never has he ever felt unsure of what to do or say. Except for now, a very agitated Regulus running through the hallways as if he was running away from something. Or rather someone.
One second, regulus had been peacefully eating his dinner, not once looking up at James, to his disappointment, and the other he is storming out of the hall, leaving a rather broken Dorcas Meadowes behind. James had not missed the pure fury in Marlene's eyes as she stared after Regulus.
James, however, had started moving before he was thinking, telling his friends he needed to go to the loo. So, here he was, sprinting after Regulus, scared his next move would break him.
''Regulus, Regulus, wait!'', James screamed after him, the other boy's body visibly tensing in alarm. However, after a mere second, he decided on ignoring James, picking up his pace.
''Regulus!'', James merely shrieked, sprinting as fast as he could. But Regulus was tall and slim, and one of the fastest players on the quidditch team. James, with his bulky body type, could not catch up.
Still, there was hardly a time when he gave up. So, he continued running, rounding a corner until he heard a choked sob behind him.
And there, cuddled up in a tiny puddle along the wall, was a ball of curly black hair. Regulus had never looked more than just a kid. Slowly creeping closer, James knelt down on the floor in front of the boy, unsure of what to do next. It was always like this when he was with Regulus. No one had ever made him question his words or actions before, no one had ever made him scared of embarrassing himself a jock before.
Regulus' words and actions were so unpredictable, it intrigued James. Like he could know more but never enough.
Well, except when the former crying Regulus jumped up and pushed James against the wall, teeth baring. James had to close his mouth in awe, staring down at the younger boy. And again, for something that was occurring quite frequently in those past weeks, James looked at Regulus and saw pure beauty staring right back at him.
Regulus shone like a mad knight in a war, fury gloating his very being. Regulus had never looked more beautiful.
''How can you dare coming after me? We are not fucking FRIENDS.'', Regulus yelled, pupils blown wide. And James, he really should stop finding being pushed against something attractive, especially when Regulus is the one doing so, but God, forgive him for being human. One look in Regulus' eyes and James knew that it was a lie.
''Keep telling yourself that. See where it gets you'', James came right back at him, showing his teeth as well. If Regulus wanted to fight dirty, James would gladly oblige.
At his comment, Regulus merely shoved James harder against the wall, earning a groan from the boy. James tried really hard to suppress his grin, knowing him finding this situation amusing, especially since he could push Regulus off him anytime, would probably end him a black eye.
He knew Regulus well enough to be aware that even his friends were not safe from Regulus being ridiculed.
''I know you are angry and sad, and you don't mean whatever you are saying. But if you wanna let your feelings out, have a go at it. You can punch me.'',James offered, challenge shining brightly in his eyes. At that, Regulus removed his hands from James' body, and God, he felt so empty now. Please never stop touching me, he wanted to scream.
Regulus, however, had overcome his fury and now looked as close as ever to having a mental breakdown. ''Please leave me alone'', he whispered, all the energy having left his body. He looked so destroyed, so tired and worn out, James wanted to yell.
''No'', he answered before he could stop himself. He was already unsure of what to do or say anyways, and fairly certain everything would turn out the wrong way, so fuck it.
Regulus stilled at his word, looking at James in disbelief. ''Fuck You! Fuck You with your savior complex! You CANNOT SAVE ME, James!'', Regulus screeched, agitation and frustration in his voice.
''Like Hell I can.'', James merely replied, shrugging his shoulders.
Regulus seemed close to exploding, furiously pointing at James. ''How the fuck can you say this as if it is like doing FUCKING HOMEWORK! For once in your life, take something serious!''
''I have never been more serious. See, I refrained from cracking a Sirius joke right there.'', James informed a very close to strangling him looking Regulus who had taken a step closer to James in his fury. ''But, what I want to say is that I care. About you. Whether you like out or not. There is no getting out of it now. Seems like you are gonna be stuck with me for the rest of your life. Once I like someone, I will never leave them. So, I know I can save you from whatever is plaguing you, and I am most definitely not leaving.''
James had never seen Regulus look this speechless in his life. Ah, he had discovered a way of shutting THE regulus Black up. All he had to do was say he cared about him. Noted.
''So, be my guest and try running away again. But this time, I won't hold myself back.'', James stated, putting his hands on his hips, challenging the young boy.
''Oh my God, trust the notorious James Potter to be a prick even in a moment like this. Truly an achievement.'', Regulus teased, rolling his eyes, but visibly swallowing, when James only winked at him.
Suddenly James was reminded that they were in a very opened space still, anyone that walked by could hear them. Sp, after gesturing for Regulus to follow him, James led him into a quiet, dark classroom.
''Ready to talk?'', he merely asked Regulus as he shut the door.
''Fuck you''.
------------------------
Marlene's eyes had not once left the Slytherin table, checking every two seconds for Dorcas as if she was afraid she would evaporate away.
Whatever had passed between Regulus and Dorcas, Marlene had already thought of multiple ways to show Regulus just how much she thought of him after their fight, which basically EVERYONE in the Hall had heard. It was a wonder, truly, how Dorcas had not fled the room.
Instead, she was pushing trough her dinner, tears already long dried on her face. She was strong, and Marlene admired her for it. Not many would sit with their head still straight after that.
So, can we really blame her for staring at Dorcas? It is not as if she had anything better to do anyways, as Sirius and Remus had resumed to their usual bickering, Peter was basically staring at the floor so he would not have to see Sirius' tongue down Remus' throat and the girls... Too busy talking about the newest boy with a glow up that she bothered to listen.
That was, until, a very alarmed looking Dumbledore stepped onto the podium. As if in alarm, all the conversations ebbed as soon as the food disappeared with a swing of his hand.
Marlene was suddenly hit with a kind of deja vu. His facial expression, his stance, the way his glasses lay on his nose. It all looked like it had in September.
''Dear Students. I will try to keep it as short as possible.'', he had said. What he had not voiced was how his next words broke people's lives in half.
''Dear Students. I am afraid, I have terrible news for you.'', he says now, same grave expression, same tone.
Marlene had never been a person to wish she could turn back time. Always felt as if it was stupid.
But in this moment, she wished she had more time. Wished Dumbledore would take more time in between his breaths, would let the syllables run off his tongue for longer, would spare Marlene last moments of peace.
She could not do this again. Not so soon. Never again.
Even before the words left his mouth, tears fell down her cheeks. Because she did not have to know what was to be said next, to be aware that it would hurt. Always hurt.
But she could not stop time, not now or ever, and so the words left his mouth, with no possibility of ever taking them back again, of ever making them unheard.
''The murderer has struck again. There were a series of murders in the Ministry last night, all in connection to our school. For this reason, no one shall leave this castle, not even for the holidays. We are now officially on lockdown''
The ringing in her ears became louder. So loud she barely even registered the chaos that erupted around her. So loud all she could hear was her heat cracking in two. Because she knew what that meant.
'I am sorry, Catherine.'', was all she whispered into nothingness, tear spilling after tear.
Being sorry is a funny thing. There is such an emphasis on it, people often fail to realize, that an apology never solves anything.
An apology does not breath live back into Mike's body, does not make Sirius turn around, does not help her sister.
Apologies are nothing but empty words.
Nothing but void words to make us feel better about our choices.
But in the end, when you go to bed at night, you have to live with what you did, with what happened, and being sorry is just sticking a band aid on an internal wound.
It is bound to kill you.