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He looked at himself in the mirror, observing every little detail that appeared wrong or out of place.
His chubby and rosy cheeks, his plump red lips, his big doe-like eyes. His double chin, his feminine shoulders, his small and gracious hands. His plush hips and stomach, his thick thighs, his soft features. His chest.
He looked like a doll and he despised everything about it.
He picked the bandages from his bedside drawer and wrapped them tightly against his breasts. His constant binding was starting to hurt the sides of his upper torso, but he didn't care. The relief of seeing a flat chest under his clothes was worth the pain. He threw on his baggiest sweats and shirt and went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. He drank it while looking outside the window. He cussed internally as he saw it was raining. He hated rainy days, they forced him to stay inside, they bored him and boredom could easily turn into a spiral of negative thoughts.
He felt two strong arms wrapping around his waist and a beautiful deep voice murmuring in his left ear.
"Morning handsome."
He stiffened. He truly wanted to believe that voice, but that day it felt impossible. The words inside his head were way too loud and way too harsh to be ignored.
"Morning Eddie" he replied with a timid smile while turning around.
"Did you sleep well, Gareth?" Eddie asked with a worried frown on his face, he could see his partner looked stressed.
"Uhm, yeah, I think I just slept too much and now I feel dizzy." He lied. He didn't want to talk about how dysphoria was torturing him, he just pretended it wasn't there. He thought that if he pretended long enough it would eventually go away.
Eddie wasn't too convinced, but didn't say anything.
They were interrupted by a third voice.
"Would you leave some space for me too?" Steve made his appearance, wearing nothing but a towel on his waist, his hair still damp from the shower and his skin covered with little pearls of water. He scooched between the two of them and pressed a kiss on both their temples.
It wasn't long since they moved in together but Gareth was loving every moment of it. It felt like living with two of his best friends, plus sex. He wasn't really sure how to call their relationship, he just knew they loved and cared for each other.
It started out on his and Eddie's last year in highschool. Gareth was a member of the Hellfire Club and Corroded Coffin so Eddie and him were close friends and they grew even closer after his coming out.
Steve came into their lives a few months later. They all started chumming around while looking after Dustin and his friends. He never would have imagined being friends with Harrington, the king of Hawkins high, he had always thought of the guy as a self absorbed pretentious fucker, but he was proved wrong.
"It's a bummer it's still pouring outside, I really wanted to do something fun." complained Gareth.
"What were you thinking of?" asked Eddie.
"I don't know, maybe a picnic at Skull Rock?"
"Well, we could still have a picnic inside, maybe watch a movie or something" offered Steve.
"Isn't it a bit childish?" asked Gareth.
"Do we look like adults to you?" Replied Eddie in a joking tone.
"You might have a point"
"Alright, just let me go get dressed. Me and Eddie will cook, you'll set the blanket and pick the movie" Steve commanded while placing another kiss on his forehead.
He sat on the couch after placing a black blanket on the ground and explored their videotape collection. They were mostly horror movies with a few exceptions for rom coms which were Steve's guilty pleasure.
He ended up picking Young Frankenstein, which was his comfort film.
He curled up on the soft pillows and watched his two partners working in the kitchen. They both looked glorious.
Steve was lean and toned, Eddie was skinny and agular. Steve's hair was always in place, Eddie had a scruffy mane. Steve's complexion was healthily tan, Eddie's was sickly pale. Steve had a sharp jawline, Eddie's was softer. They were complete opposites, but they both were naturally masculine. He envied how it took no effort for them.
Meanwhile he would try hard to pass and feel even more insecure for having to.
Sometimes his dysphoria hit so hard he would feel undeserving of being called a male.
He thought about suppressing his identity a lot of times, his social life would be easier at least. He wouldn't look like a butch lesbian and would go mostly unnoticed. He hated standing out so much, he hated the look people gave him when he told them his name, he hated how everyone could tell what was between his legs by listening to his voice.
He still didn't understand how two guys like Eddie and Steve could be with someone like him. He once confessed this to Robin and she started a whole pep talk on how beautiful he was and how it was just his insecurities talking.
His insecurities weren't a matter of beauty though, he actually thought he could be a pretty girl, he just despised being one.
The other two guys joined him a few minutes later, he put on the movie and they all sat on the floor.
Steve and Eddie had prepared some cheddar and tomato sandwiches, cut up a few strawberries, which were Gateth's favourite fruit, and made some fresh lemonade. He smiled gratefully, though his boyfriends could clearly see a veil of sadness in his eyes.
He silently munched on a few strawberry pieces, unable to eat anything else, and tried to focus on the TV.
He kept spacing out though, he was angry. Angry at himself for being uncapable of being normal, angry at his body for being so plump and feminine, angry at God for creating him all wrong. Sometimes he wanted to skin himself, maybe that way he could get out of his flesh prison.
He was sad too. Sad because he really enjoyed living when he'd forget about his troubles. He loved life so much he could sense it beating inside and around him, rushing through his veins and whispering in the wind. He loved the people in his life, their beautiful souls, their witty minds, their charming personalities. Yet at times he believed all that was not worth his suffering and he felt ungrateful for thinking so.
They were halfway through the film and he still hadn't touched his food.
Eddie and Steve exchanged concerned glances and decided to turn off the TV.
He was caught by surprise, not that he was actually watching the movie, he was just staring at the scenes flashing before his eyes. He turned to them with a questioning look.
"You're distracted, tell us what's running through your mind" Eddie broke the silence. Gareth pondered on the idea of spilling his guts, but decided against it.
"It's nothing really, I'm just bored"
"Why aren't you eating?" Asked Steve.
"I'm not hungry. Guys come on, I'm fine. I'm just a bit spaced out, nothing to worry about." He tried to reassure them, but his voice trembled. His stupid high pitched voice.
"Gareth, enough is enough. You've been acting weird all morning, if any of us bothered you, just tell us. We can talk it through together" Eddie spoke again.
"It's not you guys. I just don't want to talk about it"
"Why though? We can help you" insisted Steve.
"But you can't!" Gareth snapped "You can't because you're normal and I'm not."
They were both confused.
"I'm not like you guys. I'm all wrong" Gareth said on the verge of crying.
He looked down and tears started falling from his eyes. He felt ashamed of crying in front of them.
He tried to smile "Fuck, look at me... I'm such a sissy" he said in a self deprecating tone.
"What do you mean?" asked Steve
Gareth gulped nervously. He found talking about his problems difficult, he felt as if someone was ripping out his organs.
"I've got a female body. Everyone sees it. And it makes me furious. You or Eddie could go out wearing a dress and fucking cha cha heels and maybe they'd call you fags, but you'll still be men in everyone's eyes. I put so much effort in my appearance and I still look like a girl playing with her dad's clothes."
"Gareth. Look at me. You don't look like a girl. Besides there isn't just one way of being a guy" Eddie tried to comfort him, but those words angered him even more.
"Dont you're-a-guy-in-your-own-way me, I just want to be like everyone else. And I know you're lying, because no one sees me as a male. Not even my friends. They respect me and my pronouns, but I know in their eyes I'm just a woman because that's what I see when I catch my reflection. Just a stupid girl" he replied in between loud sobs "what's worse is that this fucking voice in my head gives me hell for being so insecure. Guys are supposed to be tough and fearless and here I am, making a fool out of myself and being a whiny little bitch."
"Well I think you have a lot of masculine features" Steve tried another approach "for starters you're tall, like way taller than most guys I know. I mean, have you seen Jonathan Byers? You're a giant in comparison"
"But you mostly hang out with kids. Besides you're both taller than me"
"Only by what? Half an inch? Come on! Then you have wide shoulders and your arms are hella brawny from playing the drums. Your legs are quite muscular too" he went on.
Gareth looked up for the first time since they started their conversation.
"But I'm chubby"
"So what?"
"I don't know.. society thinks it's a girl thing"
"When have you ever cared about what society thinks?" Asked Eddie "Not caring about norms is pretty masculine If I do say so myself. It's fucking punk too" he added with a grin painted on his face.
Gareth hinted a smile as well.
"And being self conscious doesn't make you girly." Eddie reassured him again. "I'm insecure and scared like most of the times"
"And I use a lot of hair products" added Steve "Not sure if it fits with the conversation, but I guess it makes me girlier than you"
They all chuckled.
"Are you feeling better?" Eddie asked once Gareth had calmed down.
"I guess..."
"Your vague answers are so masculine I hate them" he teased him.
"I feel a bit better. I just know that voice in my head will come round again though." He explained.
"Well, when it does you can come to us and we'll tell you how we see you" Steve nodded approvingly.
"And how do you see me?"
"I see a brave young man, clever and charismatic. You're an amazing drummer, the passion you put when you're playing actually turns me on." Eddie admitted while blushing.
"I see a handsome dude and a great friend. Someone you can rely on, who knows exactly what to say and when to say it... kinda like a father... no wait, this is getting weird..." replied Steve making both of his partners laugh "But you're actually very wise, kinda like Gordolf or whatever the fuck that wizard's name was, I don't know, I was popular in highschool"
Gareth snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Thank you guys... I guess you make rainy days suck a bit less"
They ended up snuggling on the couch to finish the movie and Gareth felt happy and a bit more confident since he could pull not one, but two of the hottest men to ever walk on Earth.