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Arcee jolted upwards in a quick and frenzied motion, eyes darting around the room in a panic. Her fists raised and sparkbeat elevated, she looked all around her in a frantic search for an attacker that wasn’t there. After a few stressful seconds, Arcee’s mind slowly returned to reality and she began to relax at the familiar sight of her room.
Closer in appearance to a human bedroom than a cybertronian recharge suite, the blue-painted room was barely visible thanks to a blackout curtain covering the room’s window. Arcee debated on flipping one of the bedside lamps sat atop a nightstand, but ultimately decided against it. She was used to the dark, after all. Around the room was shelving decorated with various knickknacks and mementos from multiple worlds in multiple galaxies, very few of these treasures her own. She just… didn’t have much from her past worth holding onto.
A nearby shifting alerted Arcee to a presence at her side, though this caused her no alarm. She looked down at the sleeping form next to her and smiled. Aileron. Her Conjux Endura, and the greatest person she’d ever known in her very, very long life.
Arcee sighed and gently ran a hand across her wife’s arm, feeling her presence to reassure herself that she was there. That this was real. That they were truly safe and sound and what had broken her own slumber was nothing more than a terrible nightmare. Another terrible nightmare.
Trying to calm herself, Arcee placed a hand to her chest and felt her spark beating at a quickened and uneven pace. Trying to divert all her mental focus to the warm sensation of Aileron’s arm wrapped around her waist, Arcee willed herself to calm down, to take a step back and just breathe. She was okay. Aileron was okay. They were okay. Everything was okay. So why didn’t she feel okay?
She buried her face in her palm and quietly sighed. She was just too damn restless to sleep. As silently as she could, Arcee gently moved Aileron’s arm, got up from their recharge slab and left the bedroom, making her way through their apartment. She stepped into their small kitchen, opened up a cupboard, and grabbed herself a small glass. Setting it inside a small countertop energon distillery, she poured herself a light drink of the refreshing substance, then shakily pressed the glass to her lips.
The drink soothed her nerves, and slowly but surely she started to feel a bit refreshed. Just how dehydrated had she been? Sighing again, she stepped to a small two-seated table by a large window and sat down, pulling aside a curtain and looking outside.
From the window, Arcee looked down at the view from their high-rise apartment. As usual, the city of New Caminus was as lively as ever, with cars driving by on the ground and planes zooming by in the skies above, illuminating the otherwise dark night. It was a sight that never got any less beautiful. Their reward for correcting the mistakes of the past, she supposed.
Arcee sat by this window often, usually when she was looking over her students’ assignments, though sometimes when she just needed to look outside for the reminder that she finally had a home she herself had helped build. It was a beautiful city. She smiled and took another sip of her drink, watching people go by in peace.
So why couldn’t she feel so at peace now? She grunted and angrily closed the window curtain, then rested her head on her clenched fist and bit her lip. Her thoughts were all just… so confusing.
Arcee was of course grateful for the newfound permanent peace, but as much as she hated to admit it, without the distractions of hatred and warfare to occupy her, she occasionally found herself dwelling on far less simple thoughts. She looked down at her body and tried to decipher what she was feeling, and why. Cybertronians didn’t think much about gender, after all—certainly not like humans often did—but still she found herself plagued with thoughts that perhaps she wasn’t enough.
She didn’t understand it. To any average cybertronian, she looked perfectly female. Sounded so as well, though that was at great effort on her part. But despite this, sometimes her mind wandered back to earlier days, fighting alongside her brother in arena combat, surviving gruesome battle after gruesome battle for the pleasure of a cruel Prime. It was a bloody and violent part of her past that she’d long struggled to make peace with, but those early days before she knew who she was… those were the things she couldn’t help but still dwell on despite knowing better.
She growled and ungracefully chugged down the rest of her drink. It had been millions of years since her transition, so why did she sometimes still feel like she was just playing pretend? Her hand clenched into a fist and it took all her self-control to avoid crushing the glass in her hand.
“Arcee?” The voice startled her and made her drop her glass. Grateful her hand had only been just above the table, she quickly picked up the empty glass and set it back upright on the small table. She turned to Aileron, standing in the doorway looking tired and concerned. Arcee opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Aileron took a few small steps forward. “Are you okay?” she asked.
After a long moment of silence, Arcee answered, “No. No, I don’t think I am.” She turned to look back out the window only to be reminded she’d closed the curtain.
“I can move that for you,” Aileron smiled, in her voice a hint of that bubbly energy Arcee loved so dearly. Arcee turned back to her Conjux and smiled.
“That’s alright,” she whispered. She scooted her chair back, making room as if she was ready to stand. Instead she stayed seated, biting her lip awkwardly like she wanted to speak, but didn’t know how. Fortunately for her, Aileron knew all her non-verbal cues like the back of her hand.
“You know you never have to feel awkward for asking me to sit on your lap,” Aileron lightly chuckled. Sitting with Arcee, she wrapped her arms around her wife’s waist and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. “I’m always here for you, ‘Cee. Always.”
“I know,” Arcee spoke, her voice low and shaky, “I’m just… still not used to needing intimacy.” She lightly kissed Aileron’s head, prompting a contented sigh from the idealist. She rested her head on Aileron’s and closed her eyes, taking comfort in the closeness.
Long moments passed in silence, the Conjux Endurae gently rocking back in forth in their seat and holding onto each other like their lives depended on it. Every so often the sound of a passing jet would streak past their window, the momentary sound and vibration causing Arcee to flinch. With every slight tensing of her circuits, Aileron would nuzzle into her and place a soft kiss to her body, easing Arcee’s nerves and helping her feel safer.
“Aileron…” Arcee started, her voice uneven and not at all the usual calm confidence Aileron was accustomed to. “Do you… ever…” Arcee trailed off, her mouth opening and closing.
Aileron reached up her hand and cupped her lover’s cheek. “It’s okay,” she whispered, “I’ve got you.” Arcee closed her eyes and leaned into Aileron’s touch. She exhaled, her body shaking as she tried and failed to hold herself together.
“Aileron,” Arcee opened her eyes, “does it bother you that I… that I was forged male?” Aileron opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted. “Because lately I can’t stop dwelling on it. I just keep having nightmares of the Darklands, of Galvatron, Jhiaxus, the Thirteen, all of it. And I keep remembering how they used to call me ‘he.’ How I used to tell myself that lie as well so I wouldn’t have to face what the truth meant.
“And sometimes, I wonder if… damn it, I never was great with words…” Arcee sighed and pinched her brow. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m just fooling myself. I know what truly matches my spark, but…” Arcee let her voice drop, slipping into a much deeper voice that hadn’t been natural to her in millions of years. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s truly attainable.”
“Arcee,” Aileron spoke, her voice soft and warm as she reached up her other hand to hold Arcee’s head and angle her to face her. “You are the most amazing, valid and inspiring woman I’ve ever met. Your boldness and confidence bolsters everyone around you. Your initial body not being forged properly doesn’t change that, and it doesn’t make you any less of a real woman.
“I love you. I love your spark, I love your compassion.” Aileron took hold of one of Arcee’s hands and gently lifted it to her lips, planting a gentle kiss. “I love your body. I love your voice. I love your rare little laughs. I love every last thing about you.
“You’re my hero, Arcee, and I love you with all my spark. Whatever you were assigned at forging, it doesn’t make you any less the woman I love.” Arcee stared wide-eyed in silence, lightly shaking and holding onto Aileron as tightly as she could. Finally, she pulled Aileron into a deep, passionate kiss.
“I love you,” Arcee whispered between kiss after kiss. Three words she never thought she’d say, but somehow came easily to her with Aileron. “I love you so much. You’re my everything.”
“I love you, too,” Aileron whispered back. They pressed their foreheads together and clung tightly, taking comfort in the intimacy they shared. A small yawn escaped Aileron’s lips.
“Feeling tired?” Arcee asked.
“Yeah, but I can stay up as long as you need,” Aileron shrugged.
Arcee shook her head, “No, it’s alright. I… I think I can fall back asleep now. Let’s go together.”
“Good. It’s kind’ve hard to sleep without my tall, warrior Goddess,” Aileron coyly admitted as she stood up from Arcee’s lap.
“Goddess, huh?” Arcee grinned as she stood.
“You bet!” Aileron cheered. With a bow, she added, “I stand ready to cater to Her Holiness whenever She desires.”
Arcee snickered, “You’re such a dork. And you can ‘cater to’ me by coming back to bed with me. How can a Goddess be expected to sleep well without Her beloved guardian?”
“I’m your guardian?” Aileron laughed. “How many times have you pulled me out of the fire now?”
“And how many times have you saved me?” Arcee retorted as she took hold of her Conjux’s hands. “We protect each other.”
“Always,” Aileron smiled. A mischievous look flashed across her face.
“Darling, what’s that face mean!” Arcee was interrupted as Aileron swept her into a bridal carry, the short camien barely holding up her tall wife. “Sweetheart, what are you doing?” Arcee laughed hysterically, louder and harder than Aileron had ever heard, causing the guardian’s wings to flutter in delight.
“What I’m doing is treating my stunning wife like the beautiful princess she is!” Aileron giggled.
“First ‘Goddess,’ now ‘princess.’ Which is it?” Arcee laughed.
Aileron’s expression became deep in thought. Finally, she grinned, “Yes.” Arcee tried to lean up and kiss her, but the height difference between them was so immense Arcee simply towered too far above her love to reach down and kiss her.
“Damn, you are tiny,” Arcee teased. “Can’t even give you a smooch from this angle.”
Carrying Arcee back to their bedroom, Aileron laughed, “I thought you liked my height. In fact, I think I remember your exact words being ‘you’re the cutest, most precious being in the whole entire universe.’”
“And I stand by every word in that statement,” Arcee declared proudly. “I still want a kiss, though.” Stepping back into their room, Aileron set Arcee down on their recharge slab and crawled into bed beside her. She pulled Arcee into a gentle, passionate kiss as they cuddled closer together.
“Better?” Aileron grinned.
“Hmm,” Arcee rubbed her chin in thought for a moment before smirking. “I don’t know, I think I might need a few more.”
“Happy to oblige!” And so she did. As Aileron pressed gentle kiss after gentle kiss to her lover’s lips, Arcee felt her anxieties slip away and the warm feeling of acceptance take its place.
Arcee cupped Aileron’s cheek and pressed their noses together, lightly rubbing as they smiled and laughed. “Thank you, Aileron,” she whispered.
“What for?” Arcee noted the genuine curiosity in her Conjux’s features. She was just too damn humble, but she supposed that earnestness was why she’d fallen so deeply in love.
“For putting up with my dysphoria, for starters,” Arcee chuckled, though Aileron seemed far less amused.
“Sweetheart,” Aileron started, “I’m not ‘putting up with’ anything. I love you, and I want to be there for you, just like you’ve always been there for me.
“Do you want to know something?” Aileron’s hand tickled Arcee’s chin.
“What?” Arcee asked.
Aileron smiled, “The first time I ever saw you, my first thoughts were ‘oh, sweet Solus, that is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.’”
Arcee giggled—truly giggled—at the praise. “You’re just being sweet,” she replied coyly.
“Nope, just telling the truth,” Aileron beamed. “I literally got full ‘gay panic,’ as the humans call it.” She pressed a small kiss to Arcee’s nose. “My love, no one in this universe or the next is more beautiful than you, and I’ll keep saying it as many times as I have to until you accept it.”
“Aileron, I…” Arcee trailed off. Somehow, her wife still knew how to leave her speechless.
“You’re beautiful,” Aileron grinned. “You’re beautiful inside and out and I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love y-”
“Okay, okay,” Arcee smiled and pecked Aileron’s lips, “you win.”
“I won the moment you first kissed me,” Aileron winked.
Arcee laughed, “Little did I realize you’d be such a romantic.”
“Are you complaining?” Arcee didn’t miss the hint of anxiety in her Conjux’s voice, or the way her wings stiffened slightly. Gently, Arcee took hold of Aileron’s chin and pressed a light kiss to her lips.
“Not even slightly,” she smiled. She was grateful when she noticed Aileron’s wings loosen into a more relaxed position, and the sight of her wide smile made Arcee’s spark flutter. Moving her hand to her lover’s waist, Arcee closed her eyes and leaned forward, lightly bumping Aileron’s forehead with her own and prompting a happy giggle from the flier.
Their hands moved up and down each other’s bodies, taking comfort in knowing the other was there. Such intimacy and affection was at times still unusual for Arcee, but out of everything she’d experienced in her long, long life, loving Aileron was by far the greatest. If her younger self could only see the life she had now…
“Aileron?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re the first person that’s ever made me feel truly loved, or even cared about at all. Do you realize that?” Aileron opened her mouth to speak, but Arcee placed a gentle finger to her lips.
She continued, “Since we first met, you’ve always been there for me, supporting me in a way no one else cared to. Where most people saw an antisocial lunatic, you were the first to truly see me as a person. You showed me I wasn’t alone. That I had friends I could rely on for the first time in my life.
“You’ve shown me nothing but empathy and compassion and love, and you showed me that I was capable of the same. I’ve been alive since almost the very beginning of our species’ history, and in all those millions upon millions of years, never have I met anyone more inspiring than you.
“You’ve brought out a best side of me I didn’t think was there. My truest self. The woman I was always meant to be. For that, my love, I can never thank you enough.”
The instant Arcee moved her finger, Aileron pounced on top of her, the pair joyfully giggling as they engaged in yet another passionate kiss. Together, they whispered, “I love you.”
Aileron lightly poked Arcee’s nose. “Boop.”
Arcee giggled, “Still a dork.” She suddenly found herself stretching her legs and yawning. “Think I’m about ready to fall back asleep. Been a lot of feelings tonight.”
“I know what you mean,” Aileron said, getting off from atop Arcee to instead nuzzle into her side. They closed their eyes and readied themselves for sleep.
“I’m really proud of you. Good night, Arcee,” Aileron mumbled, tiredness already overtaking her. Arcee stayed awake just a little while longer, watching her Conjux Endura’s peaceful slumber. After a few minutes, she gently kissed her forehead.
“You’re my hero, Aileron. Good night, my love.” And with that, Arcee drifted back into comfortable slumber, devoid of nightmares, but full of dreams of peace and happiness.
Together, the Conjux Endurae dreamed of the future. A future of change, of growing together and becoming better. And the story of that change? That was a story they would write together.