Chapter Text
If I could change
I'd keep away the rain
And the sun would shine every night
And I'll come meet you there someday
PROLOGUE
December 22nd, Cokeworth. 1978
“Lily, you are out of your mind!” Mary hissed as both of them struggled to fit under James’ cloak, “If James finds out—”
“He won’t find out if you keep your mouth shut!” Lily hissed back. “We are almost there.”
“How can you know he will be there? You two haven’t talked in ages! He’s a Death Eater now, it’s dangerous! He can hurt you!”
“He would never hurt me.” Lily scoffed and Mary rolled her eyes.
“I can’t believe how soft you still are for that boy.”
“I’m not soft, it’s just— he’s my best friend, we’ve known each other since before Hogwarts.”
“—and almost got the boys expelled!”
“They almost got themselves expelled.” Lily pointed out and didn’t add about Sirius almost getting Severus killed, “anyway, we are almost there.”
They walked in silence for a few minutes, Lily reminiscing about her childhood when she’d play on these same streets. She’d have missed him if it weren’t for Mary's gasp.
“He’s right there.” Mary pointed and Lily’s heart skipped a beat. She didn’t want to admit it out loud, but she was secretly afraid he wouldn’t come.
“I told you he’d be here.”
“How?” Mary asked incredulously.
“It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death. We always came here to pay our respects.” Lily explained, her voice a little bit choked. Mary's eyes softened considerably as she seemed to have finally decided that Lily wouldn’t be in danger.
“I will leave you two alone. Don’t be too late. You know it’s dangerous at night and James will be worried.”
“Okay. Thanks for coming with me.”
Mary nodded and after stepping out from the cloak, apparated away.
Lily watched Severus for a moment before joining him. They hadn’t spoken since their last fight when they were still at Hogwarts. Her heart was beating madly in her chest. She couldn’t believe her eyes.
She walked to him and he turned around at the sound of the crackling leaves under her feet. Lily removed the cloak and Severus' eyes widened in surprise when he saw her.
He hadn’t expected her to be here at all.
“Hello.” She said.
“Lily.” He said, his voice strangled.
“It’s been a while.”
“Yes.” She agreed. He still looked the same, even though he looked a little troubled. It was easy to see her best friend in him when they were both in the place where they always played. “I thought you wouldn’t come.” She confessed and quietly sat beside him on the trunk.
“You always said she hated being alone. I didn’t want her to be sad that we forgot her.”
“Thank you.”
They stayed quiet, just watching the two headstones in front of them. Mr and Mrs Evans.
“At least they died before the war turned too ugly. I was afraid something would happen to them.”
“You shouldn’t be here, you know it’s dangerous for you,” Severus said quietly. It dawned on Lily then, how much she had missed this tone of his, the watchful and worried tone he used to use when she replied to Barty Jr.'s and Mulciber's taunts. Not the drawling, patronizing one he’d use by the end of their school years.
“Are you going to tell on me?”
“You know I would never.” He replied and then with a look at the ring on her finger, scowled. “Does he know you are here?”
“No. He wouldn’t want me to come.”
“I’m glad you came.”
“Me too.” Lily answered and turned her face to him, only to find him already looking at her, “I wish—I wish you could come.” Lily whispered and she saw that at least he tried to mask the displeasure.
She knew he got the invitation because he didn’t ask what she was talking about. And some part of her, an ugly part of her, was glad because she didn’t think she’d be able to tell him.
Honestly, Lily was scared. Terrified really. She loved James, of course, she did, she loved him something crazy and something impossible. But she couldn’t help but think that everything was happening fast. She had barely left Hogwarts, people were dying left and right, her parents were dead, her sister wasn’t talking to her, and—Merlin, she’s getting married in two days.
“You know there’s no way I can go.”
“Petunia isn’t talking to me. She won’t come. My parents are dead, you—”
“You know I could never see you marry another man. You know my feelings for you.” Severus said, so different from the last time they spoke. He had no regrets now, no inhibitions.
“Sev—”
“You don’t need to say anything else. I don’t want to fight anymore. Who knows if I’m ever gonna see you again? I don’t want you to regret coming here.” Severus said quietly and Lily hated this ‘I don’t know if we will be alive tomorrow’ sort of speech. She hated that she kept hearing it everywhere she went. She hated that every day it seemed she lost more and more control of her life.
“Don’t talk like that.” She said and to her surprise, her voice was choked up, “I came here because I thought you might be here. I wanted to come because I wanted to see you before my wedding. I wouldn’t regret coming here.” I came here because this is my last chance of bringing you back. She didn't say.
“Lily—” Severus hesitated. He took a long breath and sighed. “Why are you marrying him so soon?”
And Lily respected the ‘so soon’ because it meant that, at least, Severus had finally accepted that she loved James.
“Because—” because she’s scared she will die tomorrow; because she loved James so much that the idea of losing him terrified her; because she wanted to at least pretend that things could still be good even in times like these; because she wanted to feel happiness again. “Why wait?” She asked instead, but by the look Sev gave her, she knew he probably knew all her reasons anyway. He still knew her the longest, after all. Before James, she'd say he knew her best.
“Remember summer before 6th year? We’d come here and tell your mother everything that happened the previous year. Your father would come to find us and say—”
“Can you at least let her rest when she’s dead?” Lily finished and they chuckled.
“We’d spend hours talking to her,” Sev remembered.
“I don’t think she’d like to hear about this year.”
“Me neither.”
“Your father is resting with her now; I believe she liked that.”
“Yeah.”
Lily looked ahead of her, to where her old house was, just after the hill. She almost couldn’t remember what it looked like inside. She hasn't returned home since graduation. With the war and everything happening, she knew it wasn't safe for her father. In the end, it didn't matter anyway.
In the end, it was Severus who warned her of what the Death Eaters were going to do. In the end, it was the only reason why she knew she had to try one more time. She also wanted to see her old room one last time.
Severus seemed to be able to read her mind because he said, “I made it safe for us to go there.”
“You did?” She asked, voice small as the first time he told her what she was. He nodded and with a devilish grin, she hopped off the trunk and offered her hand for Severus to take.
They walked silently to the house; Lily pretended she didn’t notice the way Sev kept caressing the hand he was holding. Lily’s not foolish, she knew she had feelings for this boy, even if they were confusing and not as clear or as overwhelming as her feelings for James.
She also knew today was probably their last day together.
Inside the house, everything was the same as the day she came to collect her father’s things, a few months ago. Lily let go of Severus’ hand and climbed the stairs to her room. He stayed behind, leaving her to have a few moments on her own.
Lily sat on her bed, looked around, and let her tears fall shamelessly. She cried for her mother, for her father, for her sister that refused to talk to her, for all her friends that had already died, and for the friends that would die, she cried for her and she cried for James. When Severus appeared at the door, she cried for him as well.
Lily didn’t think that the hardest thing she had to do was say goodbye to him. She knew he understood because he sat close to her on the bed and held her in a hug. Lily cried even harder, shaking under his arms while Severus soothed her.
She hated herself for being this terrified. She hated herself for thinking that marrying James tomorrow means she would die soon. She hated that the Gryffindor in her made her willing to take the biggest risk, to play the strongest card.
It all happened fast, one moment he was wiping her tears and in the other, she was sealing their lips together. Severus hesitated for a full second before kissing her back desperately. He slowly lowered her on the bed, giving her plenty of time to put a stop to this, but Lily could only grab him with her, determined to try everything.
They kissed and kissed, in the beginning, it was soft and tender, like the beginning of their friendship, with just an edge of desperation, but then it got urgent and Lily thought that the world would end if she stopped kissing him. Sev must have thought the same because his hands were roaming her body and she was nodding even before he asked.
Lily missed the thrill, she realized. The feeling of just being alive, of doing something reckless. She missed when explosions meant people would be laughing afterwards and not staring back at her with glass eyes.
Their bodies met like the old friends that they were: shy and uncertain at first, but just like their friendship, it quickly became overwhelming. Their touches got soft when they’d remember the days when everything was still good and happy and naïve; her touches got rough when she remembered the names he called her and around the end, got sad when she realized that they would only see each other from different sides of the battlefield.
She pushed him away and they locked eyes. It hadn't been enough. He wouldn't come back with her, she wouldn't need to ask Dumbledore for a safe place for him.
“I love you Lily, and I might hate him, but I’m glad you are marrying him because he makes you happy and you deserve it,” Severus told her before Disapparating away.