Chapter Text
Sam and Cas have this habit together since Cas became human and no longer relied on the angelic factor to keep him healthy and preserve his “meat suit” the way he liked it, so they've been working out together and running together. Dean sometimes, when he's in the mood, does it together with them, just to not lose his physical shape and strength and try, as much as possible, to be healthy. Sam and Cas have been encouraging him to do this now that he's been worrying less because he's been gradually leaving the hunting life for the past few months. He never runs though, he hates it.
So runs has become just their thing, they make it even more fun than it really is, they play friendly races, which Cas almost always wins. Sam used to try to hide the fact how much he likes the winning smile he gets on his face afterwards.
They were running for like 50 minutes, that's usually their time limit, so Sam says.
—Wanna bet I'm leaving you behind today?— Sam says breathlessly running backwards and facing Cas who grins.
—Worth what?— he asks amused, very much enjoying Sam's highly provocative tone.
—I don't know…The winner decides if we kiss today or wait longer.— Cas is a little surprised by this answer and they both smile mischievously despite the palpable shyness in the air between them.
—Come on then!— Cas just says and Sam shoots in front of him. He gathers his breath to try to at least pretend he's competing today, he really wants the decision to be Sam's.
Cas has been dying to kiss him forever, and yesterday when they were in the kitchen, he was almost screwing up, he thanked god Dean showed up the moment he did. He felt stupid and guilty for even considering the possibility of kissing Sam without Dean's ok. He doesn't think he would have done it, likes to believe he's not such a disastrous creature anymore, that he's up to date with self-control, but now he's not so sure. Maybe things have changed because now he knows for sure that Sam wants him as much as he wants him. Cas doesn't know anymore, he can't think straight anymore now that he knows the two Winchesters want him in their beds, not only do they want to but one of them doesn't get tired of him and wants him all the time.
Sam didn't say he wanted it, but the idea didn't scare him, he saw the way he reacted when Dean teased him yesterday. Sam is going to burn so slowly in his hands, and when he's done he's going to wish for more and he has more to give, because he always has more to give.
Cas tries to push those thoughts away, and reminds himself that it's not about this, it's not about all the sex he can have with the Winchesters, it never was. It was much easier to focus on that though when he was an angel and his desires weren't as sharp and raw as they are now.
As an angel he could tell that his desire for humans was almost nil, it was easy to stay focused and divert his thoughts to something more productive and important and less carnal and visceral. Human, however, feels his insides bubbling with desire when Sam is so panting and running in front of him with his wonderful sweat-soaked hair moving in the wind. He imagines this is how Sam must look after a long physical activity in the bedroom with him. After he shows everything he knows about how to drive a man crazy in bed.
Another thing Amara helped him with was remembering what a "virgin" he was. He remembered his torrid indiscretions with Ishim, Balthazar and even Anna. Now he remembers why she was trying to appeal to seduction to get what she wanted that time. It was one of the triggers that made him remember what was right and try to warn Dean about the plans for the Apocalypse.
When Anna decided to fall, Cas had plans to fall along with her. The two had fallen in love with humanity and everything in it. But he was stopped and his memories erased again. It's amazing how his love for humanity, his love for Dean, love for Sam always remains, no matter how hard they try to stop it, it's in his essence. Amara says Chuck underestimated the power of it and so he fell down to never get up again.
In the end, it will always be about the love he has for the Winchesters, the love that doesn't fit in his chest and burns, the love that has come a long and painful way here and burns like a holy fire, the love that made him break free of Naomi's control when she ordered Dean's death... Now he knows that was the first time he loved so much to the point of being able to break the hold they had over his mind.
He's always going to love Dean, he's always going to be his first love in life, which doesn't mean Sam is any less significant or less intense to him, and it causes a knot in his head. He has been doing everything for both of them for a long time, fighting for both, he wants their friendship, he wants to be their family, he wants them both, he would sacrifice his life for both of them. They just mean too much to him in a way he can't measure, explain or quantify. It made him weaker at the same time it made him stronger. Complete.
They are the reason he feels almost no lack of being an angel again. Those 5 months with them living a domestic life and making plans for the future was everything he dreamed of when he allowed himself to think of what true happiness would be for him when the deal with the Empty hovered over his head. It's better than he imagined now, as he no longer needs to imagine different scenarios with the two brothers, he is allowed to have and love them and he doesn't need to feel guilty about it anymore, even though this is still very much present in him. Present in a way he can't quite get rid of...
When Sam ends up winning this little friendly competition between the two it comes as no surprise to anyone. Both try to catch their breath. Sam spoke, still breathless.
—You didn't even try! You really don't want to help me make this any easier— He says referring to the conversation they had in the kitchen yesterday, his tone serious, he tries not to laugh even though he's obviously joking.
—I don't know what to say Sam, you're the one who has to feel comfortable to do this, I already dove in for a while! Do you know how many time I came close to doing this without Dean's permission?!— Sam looks surprised.
—But you never would! I trust you!— Sam squints his brows confused and still slightly panting. This is really a difficult conversation to have when you've just bet a race.
—I've done it a few times, not romantically, but I betrayed him, I already broke his heart when I decided I was going to stay behind when we were in Purgatory…And…— He pauses for a second trying to catch the rest of his breath. Sam indicates a break in this conversation until they've fully recovered and Cas nods.
Sam goes out for a minute to buy some water at a nearby kiosk and drinks half the bottle at once and then tosses it to Cas who has been waiting seated on a nearby bench. He grabs that bottle with gusto and drinks most of the contents. Sam watches him drink it as if he wishes he were that bottle he possesses with so much desire and thirst. Cas leaves about two fingers of water in the bottle and asks.
—Want the rest of it?— Sam smiles and nods "no" and then Cas finishes it by throwing it in his face moaning pleasurably at the refreshing sensation it brings, making Sam roll his eyes in desire he feels like he's burning more than he usually is used to after a run now.
—If I'd known you were going to do porn for me with that thing I would have drank it.— Cas laughs devilishly at that. He had no intention of making it sexy, he was just dying of heat and he always does, he didn't know though that it provokes Sam. He makes a mental note in his mind for this and says.
—I had no intention of being sexy,— Cas says when he stops laughing, Sam just covers his face with his hands and says.
—Dude, that's impossible, everything you do is adorable or sexy, sometimes both.— He looks him in the eye now sitting down next to him on the bench.
—How?!— he asks incredulously and finding this slightly amusing as he frowns.
—I don't know, just…focus, we were having a serious conversation, were you saying...?— Sam laughs nervously and Cas hesitates a bit and there's a moment of vigorous exchanges of looks between the two and then their breathing goes calming down to normal. He continues what he had to say.
—When we were in Purgatory, this last time, Dean… he... was full of regrets, longing to say everything he hadn't said yet. Do you know what the only thing I was thinking?— Cas asks full of emotion in his voice and Sam signals a no frowning, looking deep into the eyes that shine at him —”Hurry up, Sam needs us, you can do this later you son of a bitch, I'll have to leave you behind! Sam is in my head, Sam is in pain, I love that other motherfucker too. We are not going to die here, stop thinking this will be the last chance you have, it's worse than you think, you can never... I would never choose between the two of you and I can never be happy because of the deal that I did it to save Jack”— Cas' eyes start to form some tears at the corners of his eyes and this time he doesn't hold back any emotion and Sam just gets speechless as he watches him beside him, he can feel some tears wanting to sting his eyes too —I would never choose…— He repeats it quietly, but enough for Sam to understand what he means when he says he loves him too —…not if I really didn't have to. I died for him Sam, but if the situation were the other way around, I would have done the same for you— He says this exchanging a look with Sam, on his face some tears are running down his cheek. He cleaned it up quickly, not having noticed how much it made him cry. At this point he feels a little guilty also for being able to say all these things out loud, but he tries to shut it down inside his mind.
Sam just sighs in disbelief and pulls him in for a sudden kiss. The two are surprised, he also did not expect to do it like that. Cas just kisses him back feeling the salty taste of tears and sweat, Sam is crying too. The kiss is desperate, there is nothing erotic and beautiful about the kiss they exchange, there is only the need to get to know each other as they never could, the need for intimacy, for connection, to show the affection that has long been smothered by repressed feelings and crushed by fear and guilt. And now Sam crushes his lips against the angel's in an attempt to say everything he can't in words at the moment.
Cas, almost out of breath in surprise, carefully invades his mouth with a curious and eager tongue, asking silent permission to taste his, breathing hard against Sam's mouth that opens hesitantly for him. Both hold each other's faces with both hands. At the moment this is a wet mess of tears, water and sweat. Cas interrupts the kiss to continue saying
—I didn't think I was coming back from the dead this time, I'm sorry…— he placed another brief, desperate kiss on Sam's half-open lips —I didn't think it would make you suffer if I went ahead with Dean, you were with Eileen, you've been so happy with her these past few months…— He says still holding his face in his hands.
—I wasn't suffering, I just thought I was over you, it's okay Cas, I swear! I love how happy you two are together!— Sam says sniffling a little of the tears he's been holding back at the moment. Cas smiles slightly and pulls him in for another kiss, calmer this time, less desperate, gentle and slow, enjoying the moment, surrendering to the calm and warmth it brings. Sam breaks the kiss and pulls on Cas's leg.
—Come, put that leg on top of mine, I want you closer.— He puts both of his legs on top of Sam's without hesitation, facing him more comfortably next to his body. A man passes by looking at them in disbelief at the scene and judgmental furrowed brows try to intimidate them both, but he doesn't dare say anything. Cas can't help but ask.
—This is a pretty public place, are you sure you want to date like two teenagers here?— He really doesn't care and Sam surprisingly doesn't either, he just says.
—I'm not doing anything wrong and I doubt that any homophobes will want to face two guys like us. We've even faced God, we can kick some ass— Cas laughs at that as she relaxes a little on the bench in that public park and Sam also relaxes and leans against the bench. Cas advances for another gentle kiss and Sam comments.
—This beard, I don't know if I love it or hate it.— He says running his fingers over Cas' face stroking his relatively short hair. —It sure is soft, but I've never kissed a guy with a beard.— Cas smiles and enjoys the touch looking lovingly into his eyes.
—You've also kissed and had sex with guys then?— Cas asks trying to sound casual, he's not trying to imply anything here, but Sam immediately gets taken aback and smiles shyly.
—Just kisses…I never did it out of curiosity, it wouldn't be nice, you understand…— He says hesitantly and Cas frowns a little at him and clarifies.
—I'm not assuming things between us, it's just a question, I want you to know that, we'll just do what you feel like doing, when you want to and if you ever want to— Sam gives him a kind smile. His Cas is so adorable even when he's talking about taking him to bed and rocking his world. If sex with him is as intense an experience as what he experienced in the kitchen yesterday, he's literally going to be fucked.
—Okay, so I'll just say. I don't know how to feel about the idea of having sex with you. Eileen gave me her ok, but Dean he... What did he say? He said he would be comfortable with the other things, this department he finds more intimate than declarations of love for some reason, I'll never understand.— He says sincerely and Cas agrees with him with an eyebrow movement. Dean is actually really complex.
—Dean's rules are pretty simple, he said he'll never know if we've already had sex or not because according to him I :"I look at you the same way I look at him when we're in bed together" so he basically only has two rules: Don't talk about…— He pauses, looking away from Sam shyly and giving a slight smirk —…Sam's big dick and never tell me the details about all the amazing sex you had with him— Sam stays immediately blushed and chuckled at Cas eyeing him mischievously, and Cas just doesn't know what to do at the moment so he tries to remain serious and neutral.
—OK! Jesus, Dean…Somehow I knew that would be one of the rules, of course for him me being bigger was going to be a problem..— Sam can't believe how stupid this is at the moment, he's met women who didn't even want to have sex with he because of his thickness at first and he had to be...creative. The only place that size matters is in porn, in real life sex, it's complicated, it involves a lot of calm, lube and sometimes he can't even do it the way he would like because it would hurt someone.
—I'll just say one thing, if you're really big as Eileen likes to joke when she thinks no one knows what she's talking about, you'll stay the hell away from my ass— Cas says flatly and seriously trying not to laugh and Sam just laughs no it's quite a surprise for him that, no one he met has ever let him enjoy anal sex, he doesn't even know if it's good as they say.
—I wasn't even thinking about it.— Sam tries to calm Cas down now that he just laughs at it. —And I would bet Dean is the one... you know,..— Sam comments offhandedly, he doesn't really think about it much, but Dean is so sensitive to the subject and tries to make up for so much by forcing a hyper masculinity and thickening the voice, and trying so hard to be the top of the relationship that Sam ends up thinking he's the bottom.
—That you'll never know for sure, I don't kiss and tell,— Cas simply says trying to get serious about it now.
—Literally, it's one of the rules.— Sam makes an observation.
—Exactly,— Cas agrees with a slight smile. —But I'm not ashamed to say I like to be a bottom. And I like it kinda rude...— He pauses, shrugs and wonders if he should say the next thing he's going to say, but just says, —I wouldn't be afraid to take you Sam…— He says seriously, lets the sentence hang in the air, in his thick, deep voice. He really doesn't fear, Dean is far from a small guy.
Sam swallows hard and blushes even more. He whines a bit as he finds this extremely exciting, he tries not to imagine what it would be like as this is just inappropriate for the moment. They're just kidding, Cas is just kidding and being a sassy motherfucker to make him break out in laughs, right?.
Cas notices that he may have gone too far. Sam is hard in a public place, he pulls his thigh and involuntarily squeezes it tight and tries to cover the evidence a little by pulling his shirt. Sam looks away from him shyly. Cas sighs and is immediately surprised to squint at the volume evident in Sam's tight jogging pants. So trying to avoid getting in a tight spot in public too, he says.
—A-and E-Eileen? W-what are her rules?— He tries to change the direction of the conversation, stuttering, clearing his throat a little and blushing shyly. Sam thanks him mentally.
—She doesn't have that many, she just made me promise that she's the one I'm marrying because 'You're the one who put the idea in my head, I didn't even want to' So I guess I'll have to marry her.— He says pretending dissatisfied with the idea and laughing at the thought of it and Cas smiles along with him. Eileen is the best, and she makes Sam so happy, he really thought Sam had gotten over whatever it was between them, with her in his life. They work so well together.
—The worst that could happen, Eileen, she's not even that nice,— Cas says wryly, feigning fake contempt that is hard to believe. And they both exchange a loving look as they remember her.
—For real now, she doesn't have many limits, she told me it would even be ok with the two of us in the same bed with her— Cas is a little surprised by this and looks shocked and Sam soon calms him down —She didn't mean it that way... although it is something that's definitely crossed that woman's mind, she thinks she's fooling me— Sam scoffs a bit as he remembers the things she said to him about Cas.
— Does she find me that attractive?— Cas doesn't like direct compliments to his body for obvious reasons, he doesn't like to notice his figure even though he feels more comfortable now and does everything to stay healthy. Cas has no idea how captivating he is to the eyes.
— You have a really piercing look in your eyes, she says it makes her feel naked and she said it to me trying to disguise how excited she is about it, it's funny.— Cas doesn't know how to feel about it, but appreciates Sam's care in not saying anything about your body.
He never thought of Eileen that way, though he wasn't blind to how beautiful and bright her almond eyes are, her smile that lights up the room, her sense of humor, her strength. Basically everything about her.
— Oh, ok I get it…hum, we'll see how this plays out, we're rushing things here— Cas interrupts her thoughts that are going a little too far for the moment and tries to focus on the now.
— Yes! We don't even know if we're comfortable with the two of us yet and the conversation has lost its way!— Sam says, getting slightly annoyed despite being nervously laughing along with Cas. The idea of taking him to bed is amazing, but many times he liked the idea, more than the act itself. They're really going to have to take things easy, he wants them to be special, and they're both comfortable, which may never happen. Sam can see Cas' guilt still present despite wanting it as much as he does, and his own guilt also there throbbing in his chest.
—Understandable, your girlfriend seems to be very open-minded, she's beautiful, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. You know how it is, admiration for a person doesn't always come with sexual desire, I never thought of her that way, until you brought it up— Sam knows, he understands, Eileen understands too.
—She knows, she said 'joking' that it would be very lucky to come back from the dead and AND having sex with angels was one thing or another in her lucky.— Sam laughs as he says it and Cas laughs along with him.
.—I don't know huh…if she keeps being adorable like that she might end up stealing my heart..— He says it jokingly, but there's sincerity in his voice, and Sam appreciates it with a warm heart, because that's exactly how she and Cas won his hearth —The other day she called Dean a "bi disaster" and he's been using it for everything— Cas commented with a smile on his face.
—Yeah, it's amazing, he feels so comfortable with her. He told me yesterday she's a sister to him, and he meant it— Sam smiles at that as he remembers.
—Yes, he told me she was one of the rare people who didn't react weird when they found out he's not straight— Cas comments getting slightly sad now and Sam also gets a little sad, feeling the mood change.
—I never made it easy for him, I confess, when I noticed he might be in the closet I could only laugh or look at him in surprise waiting for the next gay thing he would say or do "Is this the moment? This is the moment my brother finally comes out of the closet for me?”— He laughs a little wistfully at that, he knows it wasn't the best approach to get him to open up. —He doesn't help with all that act for me either, I was in the closet a bit too, but I never care like he does, I'm not sure I ever was in the closet, actually— Sam looks sad, wishing he had done it differently, if he could he would have done, he wonders if this is also Chuck's fault. Cas reflects for a few moments and says sighing.
—It's always been like that with him, isn't it? "Don't ask, don't tell"— Sam and Cas exchange a look as if they understand each other's pain in that moment. The two feel guilt, a lot of guilt, for being so close at this moment exchanging caresses on that bench in the public park.
—Yeah…Bullshit, if you want to know what I think, but I understand. John...He was a son of a bitch, he screwed Dean, he got everything and I just got the splatters, John's homophobia never even got to me, and now tugging at the memory, Dean played a big part in that too. I remember him coming up to me and saying, when I was about 7 or 8, "Hey...Don't let daddy know you like that girly stuff, he doesn't understand you as I do"— Sam squints at Cas now as he feels the tears prick his eye and irritate his nose, he doesn't want to cry.
—He told you what no one told him. He should take his own advice about his father,— Cas says wistfully.
—He should, but for some reason he loved that man, he thought he owed him something...Dean practically raised himself and raised me!— Sam looks away from Cas now, because if the angel looks at him again with that look full of tenderness it may well collapse in this public place.
—He must have heard a lot of what I said to myself to make excuses for my own father "He's still your father, it's still because of him that you breathe, he allows you to breathe" and in my father's case it's literally, he could obliterate me from existence completely and I still don't understand why he never did, it's hard not to be grateful to Chuck, even though he's brought me back many times just to torture me,— Cas says trying to hold his ground.
—The last time I saw John, it didn't even look like him, remember I told you? It was because of the pearl.— Cas nods positively. —It felt more like Dean brought in another John from some better reality that Chuck created, he said all the right things, I for the first time felt like I had a father— Sam looks deep into Cas's eyes now, looking for that comfort. And Cas offers it to him kissing him with his eyes.
—That John had Mary, she was his soul mate, soul mates when they parted used to live in torment and that wasn't fair. It was one of the main reasons I asked Jack to scrap the concept. John and Mary didn't even really love each other, Chuck had just doom them together.— Sam frowns at that.
—It's so hard to determine what's real and what's not from the lives we lived when Chuck was in charge— He says lightly stroking Cas' face and beard, —I came to think that what I felt for you wasn't real, when the reality shock hit me and I found I was still longing for you even though I was with Eileen. I despaired— Cas pays attention to Sam's every word as he sighs deeply —And she notice, I can't hide nothing from her, she's been so patient for the past 3 months that I've been freaking out because of it— Cas smiles slightly at him and moves forward for a kiss again, but Sam hesitates, he's uncomfortable and then Cas stops and the smile leaves his lips, he pulls his legs off Sam now. He rests his elbows on his thigh and Sam follows him. They're still pretty close, though, shoulders pressed together and knees straight. Sam starts to miss the previous closeness, but he says.
—Should we really be doing this?— Cas pauses a hand on the back of Sam's neck. He enjoyed the heat of it on his skin in an electrifying way, closed his eyes when he felt Cas pause his forehead against his in a pacifying and caring gesture, almost brotherly if not for the fact that they were on fire for each other. Noses touching briefly and lovingly. Cas gathers his strength not to try to kiss him again now.
—We can take it slow, we can never go through with it, we can have sex like two crazy monkeys, it doesn't matter to me.— Sam laughs at the way Cas says it with so much love, calm and raw conviction. Cas says the same words he said to Dean because their weight doesn't change, they're still true and it comes from the bottom of his heart that beats for Sam at the moment —We're family, I never want to lose that— That puts a sore smile on Sam's face.
—Promise me that if Dean shows any sign, the slightest bit, that he wants this to stop. We stop forever— Saying that hurts his heart, but he needs to say, he never wants to get between Dean and Cas after all they've gone through together to get here. He would never forgive himself, he still doesn't know if the kiss he just exchanged with Cas was the right thing even though it felt right.
—If he makes me choose I'll leave. Forever!— Cas says in a tearful voice trying to sniff some tears that want to leave. He never wants to have to make that decision in his lifetime.
—Don't say that Cas, he's crazy about you! You'd just really hurt me if you left him, I'd never forgive you!— Cas gives a slight sigh at that. Sam just doesn't make sense to him right now, who gave the keys to the doors open was Cas, the only one who should feel guilty here isn't Sam. He was the one who didn't cut the idea right away and let it get to that point, he's the one being a disastrous human who will possibly break Dean's heart again, he's the one who can't handle feelings. Why did kissing Sam have to feel so good? Why couldn't he just see him as brother the way he should? Why does it have to be so hard even though it feels so right?
—OK! I promise, never leave Dean.— He promises, trying to make the promise live in his heart, he doesn't want to have to break that promise, and he doesn't want to have to keep it either. Cas could forgive almost anything from Dean, unless he made him choose. He knows how much it would hurt him. —It's such a weird thing to promise while my mind is on you and how much I'd like to kiss you right now,— Cas confesses laughing a little and Sam can't help saying relaxed.
—So weird, such a boner killer, I probably messed up for the rest of my life.— He pulls back to look into Cas's eyes now and they stare at each other smiling lovingly.
—I can help with that if you want,— Cas says sassily, making Sam blush.
—Hold that thought, when I'm ready I'll let you know,— Sam says calmly trying to ignore his racing heart, Cas smiles tenderly at him and says.
—I'll always be with you, even if I never take you to bed. Knowing you love me as much as I do is more than enough, it means I'm not crazy about loving you both so much,— He says as he looks at him fondly. Sam smiles shyly at the way Cas eats him with his eyes and seems to see into his soul.
—I know what you mean, you and I, in love... It goes against the tide, it was supposed to be wrong. It shouldn't happen, we shouldn't allow it. But it feels so right. I want this, Cas. More than you can imagine, more than I should— He says lightly stroking Cas's beard, sinking his fingertips there making Cas almost purr as he closes his eyes and leans on his shoulder, enjoying it.
—I'm going to melt, you're going to have to take me home in a bucket.— He says, smiling satisfied, Sam smiles back.
—My Sunflower,— he says lovingly.
—Why sunflowers, Sam?— he asks curiously, frowning.
—First because I love sunflowers, they're graceful and haughty like you, and well, when I got the meaning online they reminded me a lot of what you symbolize to me.— He taps his nose briefly against Cas's affectionately and smacks his nose against his cheek —And they look like the sun, and you're the sun in our lives, so…— Cas is so enamored of it that for me at the moment he thinks he might actually melt.
—Kiss Me!
He asks laughing, he was just kidding, that's evident and Sam knows it, but he looks at his sun and can't resist its glare, he indulges in a kiss, slowly approaching. Cas lets him break all the distance between them, he's surprised, he wasn't expecting Sam to let him kiss him one more time today, and when it finally does it feels like a million butterflies dance in his stomach. Sam's kiss is slow, gentle and warm. His tongue dances with his as if he's in no hurry and at the same time it's urgent and takes both of their breath away. They part slowly and Cas smiles shyly.
—I want to feel like this forever…— He says, his emotions taking over, he never imagined he could have it all in his life. He will never get used to it.
—And I want to make you feel like this forever.— After so much repressing feelings, Sam is now unable to not let them flow.
—We should go back, I'm starting to feel sticky, I don't know how you can love me after a run,— Cas says as he prepares to get up.
—I'm kinda gross right now too, I don't know how you put up with me— Sam says, arching his eyebrows as he smells his own sweaty scent, which although mild, isn't the best of fragrances.
—You're a sexy sweaty mess Sam, only be 'worse' if you take your shirt off now.— Sam smiles and runs his eyes over Cas's body. Making him immediately uncomfortable.
—Look who's Talking…
—Sam, please...— He smiles but is slightly saddened for the next thing he has to say. Sam has noticed the change of mood between them, he remembers something even before Cas starts to say what he has to say and immediately he knows he's say some bullshit —Don't talk about my body, it's a delicate subject, compliments to my piercing eyes, the sound of my laughter and the beard I'm growing I feel… good. Like myself, because these things are mine.— Sam narrows his eyes at Cas now, he already knew that, of course he knew, but in the heat of the moment he couldn't help it. —But I already warned Dean, and now I have to say to you: Avoid body compliments, it's not entirely mine, it's Jimmy's. I'll never be able to completely let go of it, it's impossible not to remember Jimmy every time I look in the mirror— He says, closing his eyes and pursing his lips in discomfort, melancholy hits him. Sam pats him on the shoulder gently getting his attention, trying to get him out of this spiral of guilt he knows Cas is in now.
—I know Cas, it was bullshit, heat of the moment, I swear to pay more attention to it, it was silly of me. Sorry— Cas turns his gaze to Sam.
—It's okay Sam, I get it,— he says with loving sincerity in the tone of his voice. —When that happens with Dean, we just let go and avoid the subject. One of the reasons Dean agreed to go to therapy was that I promised to work on this trauma in my sessions, he said he wanted me to be able to see myself through his eyes. "You and Jimmy are completely different people, twin brothers who grew up apart" he says— Cas tries to smile at that, Sam squeezes Cas shoulder a little tighter and says.
—And it's true Cas
—I know, but saying this to myself and making it true are completely different things.— Cas narrows his eyes in discomfort.
—I know, come here— Sam pulls him into a hug now —That son of a bitch told me you convinced him to go to therapy because you promised him something dirty, I knew he lied, I knew it was something much more intimate.— Cas smiles against Sam's chest.
—From what I heard you asked to be teased.
—Okay, maybe a little bit, I didn't phrase the question correctly, but even so, you know the answer would be the same— He says pulling away from the hug now and searching her gaze.
—Yeah, I know, I know,— Cas says almost uncomfortably.
***
When they arrive at the Bunker, they first go straight to the kitchen, the thirst takes care of them both. And they find Dean there, having coffee with Eileen. Sam gives them both a “good morning” and a light kiss on Eileen who smiles at him. Cas does the same to Dean.
—There are the lovebirds, we were wondering where the two were— Dean says laughing a little.
—I wasn't wondering anything, I knew today is the day you usually run just the two of you,— Eileen says a little too defensively, taking a questioning look from Sam and Cas, they look at each other, slightly worried.
—We were running, obviously.— Sam looks down at his clothes as he drinks a glass of ice water almost in one gulp.
—You two smell like two jocks who ran, really, but you know how it works…— Dean says with a slight smirk and takes his mug to his mouth. Cas just rolls his eyes at Dean and puts his glass down in the sink.
—I'm going to take a shower, see you guys later,— he says a little impatiently, stomping hard and shooting Dean a questioning look. —Want to come along Dean?— Dean is slightly unanswered for a second.
—It's not a good idea. Hey Sammy...— Sam huffs a little and looks at his brother already knowing what he's going to say next.
—Yeah, Dean?— Eileen right now, doesn't know if she wants to laugh or drink her coffee. Cas is rolling his eyes so hard at the kitchen door that maybe he'll go blind at some point.
—I won't say any more, my audience is in a bad mood today,— Dean says forcing a smile and sipping his coffee.
—Thanks!— Cas exclaims from the doorway and heads off to the showers. Sam watches Cas leave. If it were other times they would take a shower in the same room and it wouldn't be embarrassing, the Bunker has enough showers in the same room for 10 men. They always do this after a run, but today things are especially tense and awkward.
—You should take it easy on Cas, Dean. This hasn't been fun,— Sam says after a moment. He goes to the fridge and gets some more water.
—You should make this more fun then, Sam. You guys need to take out this entire oak tree you two have up your asses I already told you I'm fine,— Dean says trying to sound sincere.
—Okay Dean, just promise me that if you have a problem you'll talk to me. I think of all of us the one who can get hurt the most is Cas, and I want to preserve what he has with you.— Dean is slightly confused by his brother and wonders what he knows he doesn't know yet.
—What are you talking about Sam? Stop talking in codes,— Dean frowns and Sam simply says.
—He's feeling guilty, and so am I, but I've noticed he's on another screwed-up level of the head. If you make him choose he'll probably want to go back to being an angel and isolate himself in heaven to punish himself— Dean is still confused.
—Why are you afraid this is going to happen?— He wonders if all the jokes he's been making on the subject are getting the wrong effect and Cas thinks it's him bothering him about something. Sam just sighs and starts to say calmly.
—I don't know Dean, but just... I owe you one, I shouldn't get in between you guys. If you want me out of the picture I'll back off.— He says it softly, looking away from Dean's gaze. .—I'm maybe just being a spoiled brat who wants your toy because you're having fun with it..— He says hesitantly, it sure isn't what he's doing, it's so much more than that, his feelings aren't shallow. But he feels that this is what he is doing. Which is what Dean might think he's doing..
.—I doubt you see Cas as a toy, Sam. And I don't think you're a spoiled brat, you're a grown man..— Dean says trying to get the attention of his brother who is now running away from his gaze. .—We're adults in an adult relationship. It offends me that you think I'm a delicate princess who didn't think this through. Cas and I talked most of the night last night, if he still feels guilty it's his problem with him that he's going to have to solve. We can only give him love Sam, that's all we can do— Sam now takes the courage to look into the eyes of his brother who looks at him with the most sincere regret.
Dean is sad, but not for the reasons he should, he's sad because Sam and Cas still feel they owe him something, something he didn't ask for, something he didn't even think about asking. He knows they're both loyal to him after everything they've been through together, he knows if he asked, Cas and Sam would just forget about that story and go on with their lives free and happy. But they love each other, if he asked that of them, could he still say he loves them? Deep in his heart he feels that it shouldn't be a problem if there is love.
Dean knows that a part of Cas's heart will always be his. Cas knows that a part of Dean's heart will always be his. They will always be family, they promised each other that. Maybe he needs to reinforce that for the two idiots in love to just live it without fear.
—Sorry Dean, I was trying to avoid this, avoid this whole mess,— Sam says, after a silent minute between them, Sam noticed the sadness in Dean's eyes as his mind went places.
—I know, the two princesses are freaking out because I arrived at the wrong time in the conversation yesterday. Cas must be tormenting himself because you guys probably kissed today, but kept things pretty PG-13, of course. Jack could have gone running with you guys. —He smiles at it looking at Eileen who smiles back at him —They probably kept talking and whining about how they are two “bi disasters” that shouldn't be doing this and that Dean, who is another “bi disaster”, will be upset when he realizes things are getting real— Dean says with sincere humor looking at his brother while drinking his coffee. Eileen, who so far has only been watching this conversation, says.
—Were you by any chance hiding in a bush? Because it's pretty accurate and it sure sounds like them— Sam smiles a little at that and exchanges a loving look with her.
—I know them...Eileen, I should be more bothered about this right?— Dean asks looking for an honest answer from someone more objective, but maybe he's asking this question to the wrong person, after all she is as calm as he is about it
—Should I? I don't know Dean, why should you be jealous and possessive? I don't think that answer you'll find with me, you're asking the wrong person— She says laughing graciously and Dean rolls his eyes at her, regretting the fact that she was right, he knew it would be a dead end the minute he opened his mouth.