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Space-Time Continuum Bandits

Summary:

Sort of A/U Earth 616 where Hank McCoy has decided to take a long walk off into the deep end, is playing around in space and time, and Tony Stark is so not cool with that. Not cool to the point where he even agrees with Reed Richards that something needs to be done about it. So he decides to beat Hank at his own game. Too bad he ends up actually giving a shit and making a new friend out it. Swearing, lolz, and hi-jinx ensue.

Honestly, this has ended up probably one of the funniest things I've ever written. So I'm serious about the lolz bit.

Notes:

I don't write original characters usually, but this idea wouldn't leave me alone. AvX vol 1 issue 4 left me with the head!canon that Abigail Brand was pregnant, probably by Hank McCoy. Nothing ever came of it in canon though, and then as usual, my head went strange places.

Please don't try to place this in actual current Earth 616. It will reference a lot of it, but some of the characterization will come from the movies as well. Just... sit back and enjoy it.

Title is a reference to the Terry Gilliam film, Time Bandits... Which my former crackpot dentist (now retired) who believed global warming wasn't real, and that Obama was a sleeper cell terrorist got me to watch. While so very wrong about other things, he was right about that movie.

No copyright infringement intended here. No profit being made. All our continuity are belong to Marvel. All creative rearranging of it is my fault. I take responsibility, but I make no apologies... Think of this as working with character archetypes, with continuity snippets thrown in.

Chapter 1: If I Ever Leave This World Alive

Chapter Text

"Reed, I just want to state here, that I am still totally against this. It is beyond extreme."

"I know it is. I know you don't want me to do this. But I've done as much research as possible. Very soon in that timeline, she vanishes. Either she dies, or she was meant to come here... She was never meant to be THERE in the first place." Reed Richards was making careful adjustments to his equipment in order to find the precise time and place he needed.

"Still, I can't imagine she's going to like us very much for ripping her away from her life. You said time works differently there. She's an adult with a life of her own."

"Sue, you are going to hate me for this for awhile, but frankly, I don't care. She's one person in her world. Here she could make the difference in our entire timeline surviving McCoy's leap off into the deep end." Reed said, and didn't bother looking up from his work.

"Sue, he's right." Tony Stark said, though it looked like it physically pained him to say so. Tony was here to make sure that Reed had consistent power levels to pull off what he was aiming for. "McCoy has had access to alien tech for years now, and with the all the infighting the X-Men have gone through, it gives him few reasons lately to use it for anything other than his personal interests."

"And you think this girl is going to make all the difference? What if she doesn't care? What if she just wants to go home? What if we damage her in the process of getting her here?" Sue asked. Her shoulders were square, and her hands were at her side in relaxed fists. She was determined that the plan made absolute sense before she would let them carry it out.

Tony however, was tired of McCoy's angling in the space-time continuum, and they had enough messes to deal with because of him. "Sue, Hank needs his mind to be brought back to Earth. He's already gotten away with too much. Just because we seem to be bouncing along just fine here, doesn't mean he's hasn't already irrevocably screwed up other time lines. Also, he and Brand thought they could get away with their kid not having to suffer here like the rest of us. I understand the need for a parent to protect their child at all costs, but why is their kid special? Why does she get a free ride?"

"She has nothing to do with this, Stark." Sue replied. "She probably doesn't even know we, and this world, exist."

"All the more reason for Hank to start giving a shit again." Tony said and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm good to go here, Reed. Where are you at?"

"So you're going to take your frustration with Hank out on her." Sue said, refusing to let the issue drop.

"Just... About... There. We can start at any time." Reed said.

"As distasteful as this is to say twice, Reed's right, Sue. If she vanishes in her own timeline, she may die soon there. And that would be far too young, even with time advancing more quickly there. In a way, we're saving her... And we're trying to save Hank too. He was an Avenger for a long time. It was nice to have someone around who spoke science. We didn't spend a lot of time together, but when we did, I liked him a lot. I liked that he was fearless of my intellect and his own. I liked that unlike every other damn mutant on the planet at the time, he didn't wallow in self-pity about his appearance, that he learned to enjoy his mutation... In fact he probably scored more often than I did in those days... The shit that him and Simon used to get into, I swear... So. Much. Weed. I would find their discarded roaches in with the coffee grounds most mornings..." Tony said and trailed off, smiling.

"Anyway, Hank deserves better than he's had to deal with recently. He needs to learn to hold himself to a higher standard again. Which sucks and is unfair for anybody. But his mind, with his knowledge of alien tech and biology could help humanity so much. I don't want to lose that. It's too valuable. He cured the Legacy Virus. What else does he have in that brain of his that could help save the world? I also don't want to see him go nuts and start killing the redheads or something."

Sue tilted her head at Tony, who was looking at her with idealistic charm. "I just think we're pushing our luck. How did she even get from here to an alternate dimension?"

"Abigail somehow sent the kid off while still in utero... I have no idea how that's even possible, but clearly Hank probably did." Tony said. "I found out about it when I was poking around in the S.W.O.R.D. database to gather up info on Hank. I really have no idea how they did it... I don't know what got them to that point, to send their own kid away like Clark Kent, but it was extreme enough that they did it. And the timeline they sent her to is much more stable than ours according to Reed's observations."

"Do we know her name?" Sue asked.

"Do you know how hard it is to get birth records from a society that wasn't widely computerized when she was born through a dimensional portal?" Tony asked.

"Probably better than you do, Stark. I also know much like Reed, you're nothing if not thorough and prepared at all times. She's going to need something to make her feel more comfortable here, so us knowing who she is will help. What's her name?" Sue said and looked at him in a similar way she probably did when explaining simple concepts about human relation to Reed. Tony already knew that guy needed all the help he could get.

"For the record, I am nothing like Reed. Thank Christ." Tony said. Sue glared at him. "Audrey." Tony gave it up easily in order to change the subject. He wasn't in the armor at the moment, and was in no way interested in engaging Sue Storm's ire. "I've been calling her Baby Auds in my head."

Sue smiled at Tony suddenly. "That is... Strangely endearing." She said.

"I know, right? JARVIS thinks I'm insane, but that isn't anything new. Isn't that right, JARVIS?" Tony said, and glanced over at Reed, who was doing his best to look impatient, but failing and being indulgent of Sue's questions.

"I have no evidence to the contrary, sir." JARVIS said as crisply as possible through Tony's tablet speakers.

"I, for the record, am still against this. I just want everyone to know." She said.

"Noted." Reed said. "If you would join Tony and I over here, that should keep you out of harm's way."

"She can generate force fields. She's always out of harm's way." Tony observed, failing to add MORON to the end of his statement for the sake of brevity. He wanted out of the Baxter Building as soon as possible. Sue smiled again, and moved out of the way at her own pace.

"I have one more question. Who will take responsibility for her when you bring her here?" Sue asked.

"I assumed she could stay here with us until we can locate McCoy." Reed said.

"To be determined." Tony interjected. "This place does tend to get launched into space often enough to be worrisome."

"Tony, we raised Franklin here with us. He's always been fine." Sue said.

"And yet you don't deny the building being launched into space is an issue... Sue you know I love you. Reed, I mostly tolerate you without stabbing you in the eye, which is good enough under the circumstances... But if that kid is perfectly mentally balanced growing up in this death trap, then Howard would have won Teetotaler of the Century." Tony said. "Seriously, let's do this thing. I have a board meeting tomorrow that I've been putting off for six months. If I don't attend, my dried nutsack will be hanging from Pepper's rearview mirror."

"This could so easily turn into a disaster." Sue murmured.

"Don't be so negative. I bet she's delightful. Let's just hope she got Abigail's practicality and looks, and Hank's smarts and people skills, and not the other way around." Tony said.

Tony hit the juice, and Reed tuned up the portal, and it slowly started to open. Reed started muttering to himself as he read out statistics, energy levels, and suddenly came up with a longitude and latitude. "There. That's it." He said, and stretched his arm from his station to the portal. It vanished through the brilliant swirling light. "Got you." Reed said and pulled his arm back. A human form was dragged through the portal, Reed's hand around her upper arm in a hard grip.

"Ow, what the fuck?" She said. They were greeted with a young woman who looked very much of their time. She wasn't heavy or lean, and her only distinguishing features were tattooed arms. Otherwise she looked incredibly average, except for the look of astonishment on her face. She then caught sight of Reed's stretched arm retracting, Tony and the arc reactor, and Sue with a barely visible, protective force field around the three of them. "What. The. Fuck?" The young woman repeated and the colour drained from her face.

"She's stable here. Shut down the portal, Reed." Tony said, looking at the monitors in front of him.

"Working on it." Reed said. As the portal started to close, the lab was filled with a single, monstrous bark, and a large dog came through the portal, his leash dragging behind him. He immediately went to Audrey and bumped her hand with his head. The portal closed in a rush, and then silence reigned over the room. Audrey looked like she was barely holding herself up, and the dog took point between her and the rest of the room's occupants.

"What happened?" She whispered. "Where am I?"

"Okay, don't pass out." Tony started, abandoning his station. Sue dropped the force field around them.

"That's not reassuring." The girl said.

"Fair enough." Tony said, and sighed. "Do over?" When the girl made no reaction he took that as a sign to proceed. "All right... My name is Tony, this is Reed and Sue, and we need your help."

"I think I'm going to throw up." She said.

"Not unexpected after trans-dimensional travel." Reed said. Tony and Sue glared at him. "What?"

"Way to keep it subtle there, space cadet." Tony said through gritted teeth. He slid the metal wastepaper basket over to her. Audrey sank to her knees and promptly lost whatever it was she'd eaten last into it. The dog, sensing the wrongness of the situation, got close to Audrey and started growling.

"Easy boy." Tony said quietly to the dog. "Nobody is out to hurt anyone." He reached for an unopened bottle of water at his station, and rolled it across the floor to Audrey.

"You promise?" Audrey asked, her voice hoarse.

"Yup. No on here has anything other than kindly asking for your help." Sue said. Audrey took the bottle and took the cap off. She rinsed her mouth, and then drank the rest of it down.

"Easy Mac. No worries." Audrey said, and reached out to massage the dog's sizeable skull, and in doing so silenced the animal's growling.

"Bullmastiff?" Tony asked, trying to distract Audrey from the strangeness she'd suddenly found herself in.

"Yeah. He's friendly." She said. "But if someone doesn't tell me where the fuck I am soon, he'll pick up on my tension and won't be so friendly anymore." She shoved the wastepaper basket away from her and toward the wall.

"Okay." Tony said, and sat down cross-legged on the floor about ten feet away from her, and did his best to ignore the smell, while Reed's wastepaper basket suddenly sprouted wheels, and rolled toward the door of the lab. "What I am about to say is going to sound in the realm of batshit insane, but I swear it's true and I can back it up with video evidence and solid science."

"Keep talking." She said, looking on mildly at the wastepaper basket leaving of its own accord.

"My name is Tony Stark, and we've collected you to help us save the world from your father."

"Tony. Stark." She said, and her eyes narrowed at him. "Sweet fucking hell... I'm dreaming. I've gone insane. I knew I would eventually... But seriously, I thought it would be more lucid than this."

"What's not lucid about where we are at the moment? You've got all your senses. You're seeing in colour. If the drool monster there would let me in close enough, I could pinch you. This is all quite real."

"It's not that, Tony." She said and shook her head. "You're fictional. You don't exist."

"What?"

"You're not real. You're a comic book character. And so is that half of the Fantastic Four over there." She insisted.

"Huh... Wow... Where you're from, perhaps we don't exist. That would actually make sense considering that Hank and Abigail would have wanted you as safe as possible. Trust Hank to find a place where you would still know about us. Fucking madman that he is."

"Tony, focus." Sue said from behind him.

"Right, right."

"And you insist you're nothing like Reed. That belief is built on a foundation of lies." Sue said.

"Just, do me a favour and don't let that get around, Sue... Anyway, Audrey, can I call you Audrey?" Tony asked. She shivered, and looked like she might pass out again.

"Yeah. I guess." She murmured.

"Look, I'm sorry about having to creep on you to get your details, but we figured it was better for all involved. Your Twitter feed is hilarious, by the way. And I learned how ridiculously under-protected your world is in terms of computer code. Sorry, right, I was making a point. The point is that while we may not exist there, we exist here... And we've brought you here."

"And if I am cracking up and this is all in my head?"

"How about trying to enjoy it?" Tony asked as if that was the only conclusion. "Here is... Well, we have problems... But there are some damn cool things to see. Ever wanted to explore?"

"Sure... But... Other than this vague concept of here, where am I? What do you need from me?" She asked. Her voice was steadier now. The dog had cuddled close and they seemed to be steadying each other.

"Here is a different dimension. Same Earth, but parallel to your own. Are you familiar with the concept?"

"Vaguely. I've read some Hawking and Feynman." She said.

"Oh good. No seriously, thank fuck. I hate having to go remedial." Tony said.

"I didn't say how much of it I understood." She replied. Tony cracked a smile and chuckled a bit.

"Oh, probably more than you realize... So glad that Hawking and Feynman at least exist where you're from... I wonder if Hank created a pocket universe to keep you safe with all the great thinkers, etc, intact. That would make sense."

"Who's Hank? And Abigail?" She asked before Tony could start rambling again. She met Tony's eyes, and he realized she had her mother's green eyes.

"They are your parents... Or at least they're the people who smooshed their genetics together to make you. Hank specifically is why we brought you here. He needs your help."

"I have parents. Back home. By all agreed upon parties, I exited my mother's vagina in a timely fashion twenty-six years ago... So unless this is the biggest hospital switcheroo fuck up ever, I'm still not buying it, Mr. Stark." Audrey said.

"Okay, look, Hank's a genius. I'm a genius. Richards over there likes to pretend he's one."

"Would you give it a rest, Stark?" Reed grumbled. "I didn't see you opening up a goddamn portal to another dimension. All you did was provide the power."

"Reed." Sue said and sighed. "Tony, what did I say about working him up? Are you both children? Because I will put both of you in time out."

"I provided the intel. And the tech. And the know how to get this catastrophe you call a machine wired up properly... Moving along... Audrey, there are plenty of smart guys and gals kicking around this dimension... So many in fact, that we've overcome dimensional and time travel here and there. Your dad, well your biological father, is getting alarmingly good at it. He's also good at exploring inside a human body using advanced tech. What he did to you is possible here. Now his behaviour is threatening to cause some major damage to our comfy little timeline. I've already merged with a teenaged version of myself through some weird, WEIRD shit, among other things. I don't need any more of this kind of crap happening. And Hank skipping around in times and places he doesn't belong isn't helping the situation. It's only going to be a matter of time before he does real damage, or he becomes malicious in his intentions for the world." Tony said.

"Hank... Comics..." Audrey reasoned quietly. "Pym or McCoy?"

"Wow, your world's comics even got around to Pym? That's awesome... But the answer to your question is McCoy." Tony said.

"So that would make me..." She trailed off, and looked down at the dog.

"A mutant? Yes. Well, three quarters mutant, and one quarter alien on your mom's side. The odds are astronomically poor that here you will be anything other than X-gene positive..." Tony said.

"Way to keep it subtle there, space cadet." Audrey said as she looked at her hands. Tony let out a sharp, surprised laugh. She looked up at him, and her smile showed some relief. Tony could already see that sarcasm was a coping mechanism for her, and that was a good sign. She was coping. The plan was going to work.

"That's it, you're coming home with me. The Avengers Tower is way more fun than the Baxter Building anyway."

"I am still working on believing all this." She said.

"Look, let me put it to you another way... You said we're comic book characters where you're from... If you were going to imagine yourself in a comic book by way of delusion, wouldn't you put yourself somewhere way more awesome than with the Fantastic Four right off the bat?" Tony asked. "They have something called a Fantasticar... Seriously. It's ridiculous."

"The thing that looks like it belongs on the tracks of the Cyclone at Coney Island?" She asked.

"Yes! Oh my... Fuck... Yes. So much yes. That's it. I'm keeping you. I'll get you set up in a spot at the tower until we can talk some sense into your bio dad... And there will be towels. So many towels for that gargoyle of yours." Tony said. He got up, and carefully offered her his hand, mindful of the drool monster. Audrey paused and took a moment to gather her thoughts.

"Question... Will I be able to go home again, or was that a one way trip?" She asked. The room got quiet again.

"It's... Going to depend. On several things." Sue said quietly.

"What would that be?"

"The nature of your mutation, mostly." Reed said. "Your father's is... physical."

"Blue and furry." She said softly, like a child remembering a fact from a fairy tale.

"Yes, but he did that to himself. Before he had a mostly human appearance. Somewhat simian. Your mother's mutation is radiant heat, so far only observed from her hands. Hot enough to melt metal. However, her physical attraction to Hank is openly based on what her father's alien race looks like." Reed explained. His voice was attempting tenderness for the sake of the others. "It depends on how the X-gene expresses itself on if you will be able to return."

"Any timeline on that?" She asked. "If I went back right now, would it matter?"

"Most likely not. Coming back to your point of origin should be enough to activate it, but I don't know when that will be." Reed said. "And sending someone back who knew they had superior capabilities to other humans, to a world without a system to help you control your power, or that will foster a good moral base in you, is irresponsible."

"Dude, I'm a grown ass adult. I have a retirement fund. I floss. Hurting other people is wrong. Don't do it. What's the fucking problem?" Audrey said, her temper rising.

"And what if you went home and discovered you could melt your way through the walls of Fort Knox, or into a nuclear missile silo?" Reed countered.

"Hey, time out." Tony said and stepped in between them. He offered his hand to Audrey again, and this time she took it and got to her feet. "I wouldn't have agreed to this if I thought Hank would listen to anyone else. Even Abigail's tried, not that she's got any more people skills than your average coat rack... You'd think he'd listen to her, I mean I still listen to Pepper, mostly because she'd destroy me if I didn't, and she's somewhat less terrifying than Brand... Sorry, point, yes I have one... You could literally save our world, and all you would have to do is talk. We're not asking you to fight for humanity like we do. We're asking you to appeal to a man's sense of good."

"And most likely be stuck here forever with an ongoing sense of body horror. Sounds fucking great. What if it doesn't work?" She said and let go of his hand.

"Okay, gonna do something weird, don't freak out and sic Ghostbusters Terror Dog on me here." Tony said. He undid the top three buttons of his shirt, and exposed his chest. "This... This is body horror right here. I didn't choose it. It's cold, and it hurts all the fucking time. But it keeps me alive." He let Audrey get a good look at the arc reactor, and then carefully buttoned his shirt back up. "Reed and I have done some digging around, and we've come to the conclusion that you sort of... vanish from where you were. There's no record of you after a certain point."

"When is that point?" Audrey asked. Her jaw was tight, and she was keeping careful control of her expression and movement.

"About now. We discovered that there is no record of your future death there. There is no marriage record, no health record, nothing... It's... Look, you're from here. You were always meant to be here, so even if it doesn't work, you're where you should be in the universe... You're allowed to hate us for this. I get it. But I'm begging you here. This world is limping along as it is, and I can't stand to see one more person fucked with because of someone's selfishness." Tony said.

"What gives you assholes the right to fuck around in time and space, and not Hank McCoy? What gives you the right to be selfish about my life?"

"God, I already love the questions you ask. Fucking amazing." Tony said. "Seriously, you even think like him in regards to morals... Anyway... I have no answer for that. I, we... this world needs help. We need someone to get through to McCoy. All other efforts have failed. Hank has left both factions of the X-Men for who knows where. He's on Earth, but that's about all we know. We have to appeal to him to come to the table and talk."

"What has he done, exactly?" She asked, calming down.

"You want to get a beer or something and we can discuss that?" Tony asked.

"Fuck yes." Audrey said.

"Do you trust me enough to come back to the Avengers Tower?"

"No Fantasticars?"

"Fuck. No. I have a couple Audi R8s that are worth a look see though." Tony said. Audrey grinned, but her eyes were large and sad. Then a spark lit up in them, and she looked to Reed and Sue.

"Okay, I get it, possible scary powers, can't go to a world that doesn't know how to handle them for fear of fucking it up... But from the way you spoke, it's possible to go back... Could I visit? I have family and friends... Really good family and friends. Well, my brother is sort of an idiot, but everyone's brother is sort of an idiot."

"Tell me about it." Sue said, and rolled her eyes.

"Oh, in this case, I AM the idiot brother... Well, adopted brother. It's... confusing." Tony said.

"Again, it depends. They would have to be extremely secretive. They would also have to understand your status as mutant. Which can be difficult if the mutation is physical. But I wouldn't rule it out completely by any means." Reed said. Audrey nodded.

"Okay." She said, and his words gave her the spark of hope she needed.