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“So now you finally know what it's like to be stood up. About time someone is making you check your ego,” Robbe says cheekily. It's accompanied with a gentle push of Jens' shoulder, probably in an attempt to lighten Jens' mood.
It's not working.
Jens simply scoffs and looks back down to his text messages with Lucas. His last one still unanswered even though he send it on Friday, three days ago now. He is staring at it maybe in hopes of Lucas finally texting back. All it does though is stare back at him, mocking him for his hope.
You could've at least send a text.
But Lucas didn't. There has been nothing but radio silence on Lucas' end for the whole weekend. The whole weekend Jens fought with the urge to send another one, wanting to ask him why he didn't just say no, why he agreed to a date when Jens had finally collected his courage to ask him out, after weeks of what Jens thought was mutual flirting. Not only that but Lucas' confirmation came with an excited nod of his head and an elated smile, that made his ocean eyes shine with anticipation.
He was so excited when Lucas has actually said yes, so happy that he didn't read the signs wrong, that the little dance around each other and all those stolen glances meant something, that Lucas was actually interested in him. Jens feels so stupid. Whatever feelings made him say yes must've vanished in the meantime or, as Jens has not allowed himself to really think about, must've simply never existed.
The first half an hour he was a little worried but still chill, Jens doesn't have the best track record with punctuality either. At the forty five minute mark he started to worry a little more and had send the first text, asking him if he was okay, if something happened. When he didn't get an answer to that after another hour Jens had finally accepted that Lucas simply wouldn't come, that he has been stood up. Which is when he send that last text.
He called Robbe instead, who immediately picked up with worry in his voice, knowing that Jens was supposed to be on a date with the boy who his best friend couldn't stop talking about in the last few weeks. They had a good old fashioned sleep over and even with Sander there, it was exactly what Jens needed to not wallow in self pity. He really, really liked Lucas. When he first saw him enter the classroom, introduced by the teacher as a new student from Utrecht, he felt this inexplicable pull and this inability to take his eyes off him. His pulse quickened when those eyes were set on him and a tiny, surprised smile pulled at the corner of Lucas' mouth.
The rational side of Jens can't make sense of it, especially when his brain supplies with him with enough memories of Lucas that made him so sure that there was something between them. The blush on the other boy's cheek when Jens had reached out to tuck that one curl behind his ear, claiming that he had something in his hair. The way Lucas' hand would brush against his one too many times to be a coincidence. The compliments that Lucas would accept freely and give back with a smile that made Jens want to kiss it off. That one time he almost did.
He is too lost in his thoughts to notice someone approach until he hears Robbe's voice next to him: “Look who's coming this way. The boy who broke Jens' hea-” Jens quickly slaps Robbe's arm to stop him from finishing that sentence. There is no way that Lucas needs to know how hurt he was by him.
Jens has a hard time trying to figure out what Lucas' expression could mean. He looks apprehensive, as if not sure what to do or say now that he is actually in front of Jens. What he settles on only infuriates Jens a little bit more. If only because the answer to the question is most definitely yes, despite how much Jens tried to forget about Lucas over the weekend.
“Hey, you miss me?”
Jens doesn't give him anything, tries to keep his reaction to a minimum. He raises his drink to his mouth and takes a sip, letting Lucas cook in the uncomfortable tension between them.
“I'm sorry I didn't come the other day. I can explain.”
At this point, Jens' disappointment, anger and wounded pride prevent him from actually wanting to know the explanation. He also doesn't want Lucas to think he still cares. It would be nice if he could convince himself of that as well.
“No need. I get it,” Jens says, voice cold and final. The pained look on Lucas' face momentarily makes him want to take his words back. But the memory of waiting for him in the skate park for nearly two hours makes him stick to his decision.
Lucas holds his gaze for a few more seconds, looking defeated and sad and Jens nearly breaks. But then he simply turns around and walks away. Jens watches his retreating form with a thoughtful expression, still fighting between the feeling of having done the right thing and the regret for not letting Lucas explain.
Robbe's “Maybe you should hear him out” is not really helping him sort through his confused feelings. “Shut up, Robbe,” Jens replies more irritated than he meant to.
“Jens, he looked really–”
“No, Robbe. Just drop it. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Are we going to skate or what?”
His best friend eyes him with a concerned expression, probably considering if it is a good idea to push right now. He must decide against it because he simply shrugs his shoulders, sets down his board and skates off, looking over his shoulder to check if Jens is joining him. Jens tries to shake off his confusing feelings and follows his best friend.
* * *
It's only in the evening when Robbe has already gone off to his date with Sander that he sees the messages. He wishes his best friend would still be here, so he could advice him what to make of it.
Jens, I'm really sorry.
Please give me another chance.
I swear I can explain, something happened but I don't want to tell you over text.
He sounds sincere enough, but what could've happened that he can't just explain over text? Admitting that he simply doesn't feel like that about Jens would probably be easier to text. Cowardly, but easier. So maybe it's not that? Maybe he is saying the truth and something did really happen. But again, he couldn't even write one single text message for the whole duration of the weekend to explain or even apologize?
Either way, the regret of not letting Lucas explain has won over the certainty of having made the right choice since the skate park. If Lucas is as sincere as his message seems to be he deserves a chance to explain and after some consideration Jens is willing to give him one. He just hopes Lucas doesn't break his heart a second time.
Tomorrow after school?
The answer comes immediately, even though Jens has responded nearly five hours after Lucas' initial message.
Thank you, Jens! I hope you can forgive me.
Part of him hopes the same thing and an even smaller part, not ready to be acknowledged or questioned, tells him that he already did.
* * *
It was nerve wrecking seeing Lucas at school the next day. They only have one class together so at least that made it easier to avoid him until the end of school today. But during that one hour Jens was so distracted by the presence of the other boy just two tables ahead of him that he has a hard time even recalling the topic they were talking about. It didn't help at all that Lucas has turned around to Jens every few minutes, catching him stare at him every time. Lucas had send him a shy smile the third time it happened and Jens was too weak to look away until the teacher called on him and he was at a loss of words. He tried his best to ignore Lucas the rest of the lesson after that.
When the last bell of the day rings, Jens reluctantly gets up from his seat next to Robbe, who sends him an encouraging smile and says: “It's the right choice Jens. Everybody fucks up sometime. He seems honest, I don't think he would have stood you up if he didn't have a very good reason. I've seen the way he looks at you. There is no way that he didn't want to go on that date with you.”
It does little to actually settle his nerves but it does give him hope. Robbe has always been way too perceptive for his own good and he trusts his best friend's intuition more than his own right now. “Thanks, Robbe,” Jens replies, his voice stronger than he expected considering his nerves. He doesn't even know why he is that nervous. All he has to do is listen to Lucas' explanation and decide if he wants to forgive him.
Robbe nudges his elbow into his side and nods towards the school gate, where Lucas is already standing, looking over at them, fidgeting with the sleeves of his pink jumper which stick out under his denim jacket. He seems even more nervous and that actually helps Jens to calm down a little bit. At least he is not in the position where he has to explain himself. He simply has to listen.
Jens turns to Robbe, says his goodbyes and makes his way over to Lucas, his pulse quickening with every step he gets closer to him. Once he reaches him he doesn't know how to start this conversation but he also thinks that maybe this isn't his responsibility right now. He looks at Lucas expectantly, raises his eyebrows, silently asking him to begin.
“Can we not talk here? We could go to the little park around the corner?” Lucas asks timidly, still fidgeting with his hands, avoiding Jens' gaze. Jens would actually rather not, would like to know sooner rather than later, but he guesses somewhere more private would be more comfortable for both of them. “Sure, lead the way.”
The walk there is unsurprisingly very silent. What is surprising though, is that it's not entirely uncomfortable or awkward. Jens did not realize just how much he missed just being in Lucas' proximity. He was in general a very chill person but, as every ordinary person, still had thoughts and anxieties haunting him. When he had spend time with Lucas though, his mind was completely quiet. With Lucas everything had felt so easy and uncomplicated and sure. Well, until now. Even though the silence is not uncomfortable, it isn't exactly comforting either, making Jens' thoughts race with possibilities of what Lucas is about to explain to him.
Lucas is leading them to a swing set and sits down on one of the seats, swaying back and forth with his feet on the ground. He looks up at Jens and motions him to sit down next to him on the other swing. Jens does, wanting to turn towards Lucas but choosing against it, thinking maybe it would make it easier for him to tell him, if he doesn't feel like Jens is watching him, maybe choosing the swing set for this exact reason.
“My mom is ill. She has bipolar disorder.”
Whatever Jens was expecting, it definitely wasn't this. Before Sander and Moyo and Robbe, he may have reacted differently, but he learned through them and has at least an idea what this actually means. Lucas has never mentioned his mom before, Jens notices now, not once in the four weeks they know each other now. He only knows that he moved here with his father and he figured if Lucas would want to talk about his mother he would someday tell him. A vague idea is developing in his head about how this relates to their situation now and he feels a sense of regret for how he reacted when Lucas first came to explain. But it's clear to see that the last thing Lucas needs right now is to make it about Jens.
“Okay. And how is she now?”
Lucas turns to him, seeming surprised at that reaction. “Do you know what that means?”
“Yeah, Moyo's mom is bipolar, Sander too. I thought he already told you?” Lucas turns away from Jens again, seeming confused and caught off guard at the revelation. Jens gives him a minute to adjust this to the picture of Sander he is sure Lucas already had in his mind. Out of all the brothers Sander was probably the one closest to him (excluding Jens). “No, he didn't,” Lucas simply states, seeming a bit lost now.
“So, how is your mom?” Jens asks, trying to get the conversation to what is was originally about. Lucas looks up with a calculating gaze as if to try and figure out what to make of Jens' reaction.
“She had a manic episode on Friday. She called me and from the sound of her voice alone I could already tell that she was manic. But what she said made me freak out even more. She said that she misses me, that she doesn't have a car right now but that she could simply walk to Antwerp, that she only called to let me know that she was on her way. I…, I managed to avert her from that idea, promising her that I would make my way over there right now. By the time I arrived she was mostly out of it, but… but then the depression has already hit. Harder than I have ever seen with her before. I tried to take care of her as much as I could but I just … I just couldn't do it alone and I had to call the hospital where she had already stayed once. They came to pick her up on Sunday which is when I went back to Antwerp. I just left her there all alone.”
Lucas' voice sounds thick and heavy with emotions and when Jens looks up, his eyes are filled with tears, not yet ready to fall. A heavy feeling overcomes Jens, seeing Lucas so sad and overwhelmed with guilt. He wants to reach out, comfort him in any way but he is not sure if Lucas needs that right now. Instead, he tries to recall a conversation he had with Moyo once.
“Lucas, it's not your responsibility to take care of your mother. You did the best you could do in a situation you shouldn't even be put in. I'm sure your mom knows that and wouldn't want you to beat yourself up about something that isn't even your fault. You could not have prevented your mom from getting an episode.”
“It is my fault though, Jens. Don't you understand? She had a manic episode because of me, because she missed me and because I haven't been there to take care of her when she needs me. I –”
The tears have started to roll down Lucas' face. Jens reaches across the distance to take Lucas' hand in his, making him stop mid-sentence, eyes shining with vulnerability.
“Luc. Stop.” Jens tries to make his voice soft and understanding, but firm enough that his words will get through to Lucas. “She is not your job. She is your mom. You shouldn't have to be there just in case she has an episode. It's her illness, not yours. Whatever triggered her episode, it wasn't your fault. You shouldn't be her caretaker.”
Lucas meets his gaze, looking conflicted and looks down again at where Jens rests his hand on his. Jens is about to take his hand away, interpreting this look as discomfort but then Lucas is slowly turning his hand around so they lay palm to palm and gently intertwines their fingers. He shudders at the cold feeling of Lucas' simple silver ring on his skin and his heart starts beating faster but he simply squeezes Lucas' hand softly and sends him a reassuring smile.
“That's what Kes is always saying,” Lucas admits quietly and with his free hand he brushes away the fallen tears on his cheek. Jens smiles at that, who knew Lucas could be this stubborn.
“And we are both very right. This is too much for any teenager to handle.” This wins Jens a soft scoff but there is also a small smile tugging at Lucas' lips so he counts that as a victory.
“How do you know so much about this?”
Jens thinks about how much he wants to say because it doesn't really portray him from his best side but Lucas has been so honest with him and it's the least he could be in return. “Well, I don't know if you know this, but last year Robbe's mom got admitted into a mental health facility. It was pretty bad, I think even worse for Robbe. He had to stay over at my place a lot of times, even before that happened and even though we spend a lot of time together, I didn't really…, well I didn't really notice how much Robbe was suffering. And then the shit with Sander happened and I realized what a shitty friend I have been the last year or so. And then when Moyo told us that his mom is also bipolar I was so shocked that I didn't even know that about one of my best friends. I tried my best to make up for that, tried to show my support, googled a lot and asked Moyo if I could ask him some questions. He basically told me what I told you.”
Lucas' prolonged silence is making him a bit anxious and when he is finally meeting his gaze he looks at him with an expression Jens is not sure how to interpret. But then Lucas smiles fondly, squeezes his hand and says: “You are an amazing friend, Jens.”
Jens has to duck his head to hide the small smile, pleased that Lucas still sees him like this. He has never been good at accepting genuine compliments, ones that are about his personality instead of his appearance. Mostly because he is probably still struggling with the guilt of not being there for his best friend and the whole mess with Jana. “Thanks,” he mumbles softly.
Lucas doesn't respond and the silence stretches on for a few peaceful minutes. They swing gently back and forth on the swing, both of them seeming to have no intention of letting go of the other's hand.
“I'm sorry for how I reacted when you came to talk to me yesterday. I should've let you explain. I was…, well, I guess my pride was quite hurt that you stood me up,” Jens admits after a while with a small deprecating laugh and looks over at Lucas even though he is worried about the reaction.
“Jens, you have no idea how much I wanted to go on that date with you. I was over the moon when you asked me. Believe me, the last thing I wanted was to ghost you, I'm the one who is supposed to apologize here,” Lucas says disbelieving, as if Jens doubting Lucas' feelings for him was the most stupidest thing he heard today.
It makes Jens smile uncontrollably, unable to hide it away from Lucas fast enough. He gets up from the swing to stand in front of Lucas, takes his other hand in his as well and pulls at his arms, motioning Lucas to stand up. Lucas looks up at him smiling but with questioning eyes. Jens simply pulls again and doesn't step back when Lucas enters his space. Their faces are close and Jens is tempted to close the distance when his eyes track the motion of Lucas's lips falling open slightly. But then he tears his eyes away from Lucas's lips and moves on to his eyes. They are still a bit wet from the tears and it makes his blue eyes sparkle like sunlight on a clear mountain lake.
“So, about that date. Wanna have a second chance at that tomorrow?” He can see Lucas trace the movement of his lips with his eyes and it makes Jens' pulse quicken. When Lucas finally meets his gaze again he looks hypnotized and a little breathless he asks: “Sorry, what did you say?” It makes Jens laugh, happiness overflowing with how obviously Lucas is distracted by him. He is scared that Lucas is hurt by the laugh he couldn't stop from bubbling out of him but he just looks up at him with a smile that is so beautiful it makes Jens' heart skip a beat. He lets go of one of Lucas' hand to brush a stray curl away from his face and it has the desired effect of the lovely blush spreading over Lucas' cheeks.
“Do you want to go on a date with me tomorrow?” Jens repeats and lets his hand fall to back of Lucas' neck, gently caressing him with his thumb. The smile he gets in return is almost as blinding as the very first time he asked Lucas that question. It makes Jens feel giddy with anticipation.
“Yes. I absolutely want to go on a date with you tomorrow,” Lucas answers and even though Jens was pretty confident that the answer would be yes, the actual confirmation makes him even giddier. This time it's his eyes that can't leave Lucas' lips and he finds himself closing the distance as if pulled in by an irresistible force. Jens' nose brushes against Lucas' and he feels his eyes fluttering shut when he feels a warm gush of breath across his lips. The moment their lips finally touch Jens lets out a quiet satisfied sigh and he barely has time to feel embarrassed about it, because Lucas simply puts his arms around Jens' shoulders and pulls him even closer. The movement of his lips against Jens' is soft yet urgent, careful yet demanding and Jens melts into his arms. He buries his hand in Lucas' hair and gives it an experimental little pull. The reaction he gets nearly makes Jens forget that they are still in public. And even though the playground is empty he gives Lucas a few lingering pecks before he takes a step back, ignoring the quiet sound of protest from the other boy, moving the hand from Lucas' hair to gently stroke his cheekbone.
He can barely take his eyes of Lucas' kiss swollen lips but he knows that he should go now, otherwise he won't have the strength to let go of Lucas. “I should go,” he whispers quietly into the little space between their mouths. It looks like Lucas wants to protest but then he purely gives him a last gentle kiss, nothing more than a soft press of lips and steps out of Jens hold. “I'll see you tomorrow then?”
Jens smiles and nods, takes a step back as well, their hands still holding on to each other not wanting to let go. With each step back he feels their palms sliding together, then their fingers and lastly their thumbs before Jens pulls back for good, making him trip a little bit on his last step back. He sends Lucas a giddy smile, not feeling even slightly embarrassed and Lucas lets out a small huff of laughter, shaking his head slightly before he turns his back on Jens and walks in the direction they came from. Jens watches Lucas' retreating back for a few more seconds before he makes his way home as well. Somehow, he can't stop smiling for the rest of the day.