Chapter Text
And thus started a terrible string of days.
Everyday felt like a repeat of the last. Whether you had book club with Hongjoong or Seonghwa was really the only continual surprise. Everything else was pre-planned and done to a T.
How everyone here lived like this 24/7, 365, you had not even close to an inkling.
Without being able to go anywhere or do anything without San, it was quite difficult to manage any sort of entertainment. You still weren't even working. While it wasn't your favorite thing in the world, at least it could’ve got you out of the damn apartment and around some different people.
The way things are going now, you hardly have anyone that you can talk to besides San. That’s not to say that San is the worst conversation partner you’ve ever had (quite the contrary, in fact), but it’s getting to be rather… isolating.
You haven’t spoken to Mingi since your fight, the weight of which still bears heavy on your shoulders. Both the things that you said and the things that he said have been repeated hundreds of times over in your mind; you’d be able to reenact the whole exchange if asked. Of course you said things that you’ve come to regret, hell, you regretted saying the words as soon as they had escaped you.
You feel terrible. That is ultimately what that fight comes down to.
Terrible for the things you said, terrible for the things that you didn’t. Terrible over the things that Mingi said to you, terrible over the way that he cried and told you that he’s scared.
There are many things that you regret in your life. The decision to come to this farm is definitely one of them. But the decision to look for Mingi was intertwined with that decision. You can’t help but wonder if Mingi would be in a better position if you hadn’t come looking. He seemed perfectly happy when you arrived. He told you himself that he had never wanted you to come. Could things have been better for the both of you if you had just let it go?
Hindsight is 20/20. As upset as you are, you know that it doesn’t do well to dwell on the past. There isn’t anything that you can do to change your decisions, so there isn’t any reason to continue questioning them. Whether it was for the best or not, you’re here. And you can’t change that. At least not at your own discretion.
As rational as knowing that you can’t change the past is, and as much as you do believe it with the logical side of your brain… that’s not how it works. Instead, you spend most of your ‘alone’ time wishing that you could take back the entire thing. Wishing that you could go back to the first time Mingi had directly asked you about a romantic relationship— the day in the school cafeteria that had scared you so badly you were nearly sick.
When Mingi had asked how you would feel about being romantic with him, the answer felt so obvious. Of course your relationship wasn’t like that and never would be. Why would it? But the look in his eyes, the crack of his voice, his explosion of emotion, it had all scared you. Clearly, Mingi didn’t find the idea as ridiculous as you had, and it scared you. Not Mingi’s emotions, not really, but your reaction to his emotions. Had you ruined your friendship by laughing at his question? If you had thought for a second longer, would you have agreed that you could’ve seen your relationship being more than friendly?
You were nauseated by your thoughts. These questions had plagued you for the few hours following that conversation, the few hours that Mingi had ignored all of your texts.
But they quickly disappeared after Mingi called you to apologize for his outburst. He explained his feelings on the matter (that he didn’t want a romantic relationship, either, he was just a bit hurt by your decisive rejection) and your questions were shoved to the back of your mind.
Things between the two of you had been normal, then, if only for a little bit. Because he left shortly after. Or disappeared. You still can’t decide which is the more proper verb for the action. Saying ‘disappearance’ tends to imply an unwillingness from the participant; he had left willingly. But he had disappeared from your life, an unwillingness on your own part. So there’s a bit of truth in both.
You had been kind of hoping that this situation would work out like the last ‘fight’ that the two of you had. Unfortunately, this fight was exponentially worse than the last one had been, and it didn’t seem like your stalemate would be ending any time soon.
Though you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to talk to him in private anyhow, you had hardly even seen Mingi since the fight. It must be by his design; he manages to escape your perception at every turn. Everytime you think that you might catch a glimpse of his fiery hair, he disappears before you can even comprehend the flash. You can’t even count the amount of times that you’re flung your head around, hoping to find his bright head again.
Even finding him at service or in the cafeteria was difficult. Though you could typically spot him in service, San still insisted on seating the two of you at the very front of the chapel, and you couldn’t very well sit backwards for the entire service just to stare at an ignorant Mingi.
And it appears to you that Mingi had started taking his meals in his room. You might see him in the serving line if you were lucky, but rarely were you able to spot him sitting at a table. You did see Yunho around, and you had half a mind to plead with him to pass a message along to Mingi, but you haven’t reached that level of desperation. Not yet, at least.
One sure occasion where you could see Mingi wasn’t really an occasion at all. While cooped up in your apartment, you had realized that you could see out your living room window into one of the corn fields near the front of the property. Though harvest hadn’t started yet, you could often find Mingi (by hair alone) walking the perimeter of the field, sometimes disappearing into the stalks. You had no clue what he could possibly be doing, but that wasn’t the point. And, admittedly, maybe it was a little creepy of you to be watching him from your window, but you did it anyway. Because you wanted to see him.
You have so many conflicting emotions about the whole issue. You wish that Mingi wasn’t avoiding you, for many different reasons. You wish that you could apologize, that the two of you could have a civil conversation and work out your feelings.
…But you also wish that he was searching you out, only so that you could be as cold to him as he’s being to you. Maybe it’s childish, but Mingi had hurt you just as much as you imagine you had hurt him. Part of you doesn’t want to be the one to apologize first, doesn’t want to be the bigger person and admit to your mistake. Part of you wants Mingi to realize his own mistakes and own up to them first.
Yeah. Childish. That’s the perfect word for it.
Childish is exactly the word for Mingi’s behavior, considering he’s the one doing what you wish you could be doing. God, it almost makes you mad all over again! If he was just being an adult about all of this, if he had just been an adult in the first place, way back in university, maybe the two of you wouldn’t even be on this forsaken farm.
You reach to your left to slide the curtain across the window, maybe a little more aggressively than planned, blocking out the view of the corn field you had been staring at for God knows how long. Forget Mingi. Whatever.
Turning your attention from the window, you opt to look over at San. He’s typing away on his laptop. You know that, if you asked, he would say that he’s working on a spreadsheet. What spreadsheet is the true mystery. Though he typically told you that he’s working on a harvest spreadsheet, you had… maybe taken a couple peeks while he was otherwise indisposed.
And he has a lot of spreadsheets. Some are definitely harvest related. But most of them are much weirder than that. Recruitment spreadsheets. Excursion spreadsheets. ‘Ascension’ spreadsheets. Contact spreadsheets. Some of them had absolutely no discernable purpose, cleverly coded to ward off anyone that could be snooping, like yourself. Why San would be working with information that’s so sensitive that it needs to be in code… you don’t want to consider.
It was unsettling, to say the least, when you had found them. Of course, you never brought them up to San, despite how badly you wanted to hear about these so-called ‘excursions.’ The spreadsheet had dates, names, prices, and an inventory of sorts, and you’re sure that it must mean that there are groups that go into town. That could be a very valuable bit of information to have.
“San.” You call to catch his attention. You have an idea in mind for relieving your boredom.
He turns quickly toward the sound of your voice. “Yes?”
“I’m bored.”
San frowns, “Why’s that?”
“There’s nothing to do.” Sighing, you stand to go join him at the table. You slide into the seat next to him, trying to subtly take a glance at his screen.
He smiles as you fold your arms over your chest. “You could read The Answer.” He nods his head toward the living area, your copy of the book sitting precariously on the arm of the couch.
You squint at him, raising an eyebrow in response.
“No?” He smiles wider, a playful tone in his question.
You shake your head.
“You could…” he looks around the room, searching for something to offer you. “Take a nap?”
That idea is tempting, but not the one that you’re looking for. You shrug your shoulders.
“I could dump you with Seonghwa?”
You speedily shake your head. “That would be worse than being bored.”
“Hmmmm,” he closes his laptop as he starts. “We could go for a walk? I have some errands to run, anyhow.”
Bingo. “Perfect! Yes!” You smile in excitement, both by the prospect of getting outside and that you managed to get San to propose just what you had wanted. “But can we swing by the infirmary?”
San had started to stand, but halts when you ask. “Are you okay?” His concern is immediately evident in his voice, his eyes searching you up and down for any sign of injury.
“Oh, yeah, yeah,” you stand with him, ushering with your hands for him to continue moving. “I’m fine, yeah. I, uh, just wanna talk to Nayeon.”
San nods in understanding then, sliding his chair back under the table once he’s fully stood up. He ducks into the bedroom as you start toward the door, emerging with two jackets. He offers one to you, mentioning that the weather is getting colder.
But you deny the jacket. It’s really not that cold. It’s only cold in the way that fall feels a bit chilly after the extremes of summer, but it’s not anything that you can’t take. Really.
San tries insisting that you take it, but you keep denying. “Really, San, I’ll be fine. We won’t be outside for that long, anyhow, right?”
He shrugs, finally conceding that you’ll probably be okay. He puts his own jacket on, however, shrugging it over his shoulders as you open the apartment door and head into the hallway. San emerges right after you, shutting the door behind himself.
The two of you don’t make it very far down the hallway before you have your first interruption.
“What are you two kids up to?” Seonghwa’s voice cuts down the hall, stopping the both of you in your tracks.
It’s annoying how much authority Seonghwa commands. And how well he does it.
You swing around to face him. “Just going on a walk.” San is slower to turn around, though he follows suit, nodding his head.
Seonghwa smiles. “Sounds romantic.” He’s clearly teasing, but it makes you mad anyways. “Do I need to tell Hongjoong that your relationship is reaching a new level?” That one really makes you mad. Seonghwa and his fucking power-trips.
Before you have the opportunity to say what you really want to say, though, (something along the lines of ‘fuck you you’re a freak you don’t scare me’ etc.), San takes the lead. “Absolutely not, Seonghwa, but thanks for watching out for us.” To his credit, San doesn’t seem too happy about Seonghwa’s antics, either. A certain sarcasm clings to his words. “We wouldn’t want (Y/n) punished over any misunderstandings.”
Seonghwa’s eyes widen a bit with San’s response. “You sound defensive, San.”
San scoffs. For a second you can hardly believe that the sound came from San and not yourself. “Seonghwa, honestly, you can’t intimidate me. And I won’t stand for you trying to intimidate (Y/n), either. You know what she is to us.”
The smile quickly fades from Seonghwa’s face, replaced by a scowl. “You sound just like Hongjoong.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you need anything else, Seonghwa?” You ask, a bit exasperated with the direction of the conversation.
He frowns, looking like he wants to say something but is able to think better of it. “Have fun on your walk .” Seonghwa opens the door to his apartment, slamming it shut behind him once he’s inside.
You turn to San, an impressed look on your face. “That was kind of badass, San.”
He only looks at you for a moment, quickly turning away as the two of you start walking down the stairs. You could swear that his face looks a little flushed. “Thank you, (Y/n).” He clears his throat. “But, really, you shouldn’t let Seonghwa mess with you, ever. He’s a dick.” San sounds sincerely angry as he says this, as if his mind is off in another place.
You’re nearly stunned into silence as he says this, your mouth falling open for a moment. “Wow. Okay.”
Though he’s not facing you, you can see a sheepish grin spreading across his face when you glance over at him. “That was kinda cool of me.”
You wack his shoulder gently, laughing with him.
There’s a comfortable silence between you as you reach the front door without any other interruptions. Ever the gentleman, San pulls the door open for you, gesturing for you to go ahead of him. You do, stepping outside only to be greeted by a blast of autumn air. Though the wind isn’t strong, it certainly contains a briskness that makes a shiver run over you. You restrain the impulse, however, remembering how insistent you were about not needing a jacket. No going back now.
San puts a gentle hand on your back, urging you further outside as he also steps out. You’re aware of the fact that he’s loath to lay hands on you without your permission, but he’s also got to listen to Hongjoong. Not that you would try to run right now, but, if you did, San would get his ass handed to him for not holding onto you. He gives you an apologetic smile as you turn your face toward him, though you shrug to show that you don’t mind. Truly, anything is better than the way that Seonghwa would be yanking you.
The walk to the infirmary is not a long one, but it is past the chapel, farther than you’ve been from the compound since… well…
The jaunt takes only a minute or two, which, again, passes mostly in silence. When you spend nearly 24/7 days with someone, it’s natural for your conversation to lapse. Or, at least, that’s what you’re telling yourself. Maybe San finds the silence unbearably awkward, but you don’t mind it at all.
As you walk past the nearest field, you can’t stop yourself from trying to spot the bright red of Mingi’s hair. He had been in this area only, what, 15 minutes ago? You try to not make it obvious, but San senses your motivations anyhow.
“He’s probably in one of the barns.” His statement doesn’t hold any connotations. It’s simply that: a statement.
You nod, only slightly embarrassed that you were seen through so easily. The embarrassment doesn’t last long, however, as you’re soon pulling the door of the infirmary open and letting yourself in.
The space is just as you remember it. The long hallway with its few doors and even fewer windows. You poke your head into the first room, pleased to see that there are no patients holed up on any of the beds. You’re equally as pleased to see Nayeon’s back as she stands on her tip-toes, attempting to reach one of the highest shelves in one of the cabinets.
“Nayeon!” You call, knocking on the door as a way to act as though you’re not intruding on whatever she’s doing.
She immediately drops flat onto her feet, smoothing her pants as she turns to the sound of your voice. “Oh,” her face lights up as she recognizes you, “(Y/n)! And San!” She looks at the both of you, still trying to smooth her pants. “Are you guys alright?”
Nayeon squints, walking across the room to get a closer look at the two of you.
You and San both open your mouths to quell her worries, mumblings of ‘yeah’ and ‘totally yeah’ messily combining to convey the message that you had meant.
“I just wanted to talk to you…” you let your sentence hang as you slowly turn toward San, knowing that he won’t like the next part. “In private?” You smile up at him, trying your hardest to look convincing.
San just gives you an exasperated look. “Do you remember what happened last time I left you alone?” His eyes are wide as he whispers the question, clearly not trying to have Nayeon know that he had left you alone in the past.
Unfortunately for him, Nayeon picks up on it anyways. “Last time? Hmmm?” She has a giddy smile on her face as she rubs her palms together in front of her.
“San,” you ignore Nayeon for the moment, trying to lay it on thick. “It’s just girl talk, it’ll be okay!”
San folds his arms over his chest. “Are you sure?” He doesn’t sound too pleased with the idea, but he also doesn’t seem like he’s going to oppose it, either.
You nod enthusiastically, already trying to turn him around and push him back into the hallway that you two had come in through.
“Same deal as before, got it?” He asks once he’s outside of the room, watching in vain as you swing the door shut. You give him a thumbs up through the closing door, hoping that he caught a flash of it before the door clicked into its frame.
You turn back toward Nayeon, who is looking very expectantly at you. “What was that?” She asks, pointing to the wall where San most likely resides on the other side. “Since when is he so protective of you? You’ve got half the leadership on your tail!”
Two isn’t half of six, but you don’t correct her. You shake your head, waving your hand in the air to dismiss the notion. “He’s not protective of me, just… yeah, whatever, that’s a whole different story than the one I came to tell you.”
“Oh?” Nayeon looks at you like she might explode if you don’t get a move on with the conversation already. She takes a few steps backward, sitting herself down on the edge of one of the patient beds.
You blink at her, trying to think of the best way to phrase… everything. Because, really, not telling anyone about what happened with you and Mingi is starting to be suffocating. Though you and Nayeon hadn’t really interacted with each other very much beyond her, well, possibly saving your life/nursing you back to health after being stabbed, she seemed like someone that you could talk to. Someone that would understand or, at the very least, give you some good reactions.
“Mingi told me he loved me.” You blurt out.
Nayeon slowly tilts her head to the side, reacting in just about the opposite manner you had expected. “Did we not already know that? Because I thought everybody knew that.”
You throw your hands up in front of yourself. “ I did not know that!”
“Huh.” She frowns. “Was that it?” She seems disappointed that this could be the only thing you came to tell her.
“Well, no…”
Nayeon looks at you expectantly once more.
“We also got into this huge argument and I said something really bad— but, but he also said some bad things— and I feel terrible, but he’s completely avoiding me now and I have no idea how I’m supposed to fix things when he won’t even be in the same room as me!” The words spill out faster than your brain can contain them. “And, beyond that, I’m mad at him! And I don’t know if I want to apologize or continue being pissed until he apologizes to me!”
Nayeon nods, her eyes wide. “Well, what started the argument? And what did he say? And what did you say? And how did it end? And-”
You stop her before she can go on asking questions. “Mingi told me that he had been in love with me when we were in university and said something about me ‘refusing to see it’ or whatever and I said that it wasn’t fair for him to say that and that’s about where it took off.”
“Back up.” Nayeon raises a hand in front of her in a ‘stop’ gesture, closing her eyes. “Mingi said he was in love with you, as in, like, past tense, no longer in love with you?” She opens her eyes, a desperate question behind them.
You nod, confused.
She brings her hand up to her forehead, her fingers spanning the width to rest along her temples. “Oh my God.” She sighs, inhaling deeply after. “First of all, (Y/n), Mingi is in love with you. Currently. At this moment. I know that you were, like, in a coma and all when I was taking care of you, so you couldn’t see Mingi, but I definitely could.” Nayeon rolls her eyes. “And he’s definitely in love with you. So, basically, you have three hot guys fawning after you, not to mention that one of them is literally the most important man alive.”
You don’t enjoy the title she bestows on him, but you know who she means. “I wouldn’t say that Hongjoong is ‘fawning’ after me, or, or San either, for that matter,” you correct her on that point before addressing anything else, “but, anyways, Nayeon, that’s not what Mingi said.”
“Yeah, well, you couldn’t see him until you woke up.” She says this like it’s the most obvious thing in the world (which, you suppose, it kind of is). “He was at your side for days, (Y/n). Like, all day, everyday. He didn’t work, he didn’t eat, he would hardly speak to anyone, and he reluctantly started taking naps only because I insisted. He would just sit there all day and all night. And stare at you. That’s, like, textbook love.”
These are all things that you can rationalize easily enough without the explanation of Mingi being in love with you, and so you do, “Nayeon, he’s my best friend. I’m his best friend. Would you not do the same for your own best friend?” There are different types of love. You would be willing to accept that Mingi currently, at this exact moment in time, loves you platonically enough (despite the argument) and you would be inclined to say that you feel the same way about him. But this romantic love or romantic attraction that everyone is so obsessed with… it’s just not how your relationship is.
Mingi said he loved you, past tense. No longer. You’re sure that he meant he was romantically in love with you in university. And he made it clear that that was all in the past. So, yes, Mingi sure as hell might care a lot about you, but that doesn’t mean that he wants a romantic relationship with you like is being insinuated by nearly everyone.
Nayeon looks more exasperated with you with every passing second. “Sure, (Y/n), I would and I have done that for friends in the past. And I guess that I could be misinterpreting your relationship with Mingi, but I know that I don’t look at my friends like, I don’t know, like I’m in love with them!”
You sigh at her explanation, becoming a bit tired of this conversation yourself. “We just, I, I don’t know how to explain it. We’re really close, just not… not romantically, and this isn’t even the part of the argument that I wanted advice on.”
“Okay, I’ll drop it, I’m sorry,” Nayeon takes a deep breath. “What in particular do you want help with?”
You have to take a second to think about her question. In reality, you didn’t really need advice, you had just needed to tell someone what had happened. “Well, just, what do you think I should do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want things to be better with him, that’s all. But, like I said, I’m still kinda pissed at him myself, so I’m not sure how to get over it.”
“Hmmm,” Nayeon thinks out loud, “well, my money says that he feels exactly the same way as you do, but he’s just too embarrassed or hurt to approach you yet. If you give him some time, he’ll come eventually.”
“You think so?” It’s hard to hide the hopefulness in your voice. As much as you want this little feud to be over with, you also don’t want to have to be the one to finish it. Maybe giving Mingi his space will allow things to settle enough to the point where you’ll both feel ready to talk again.
Nayeon nods her head, answering your question. “But, in other news, San? What’s going on there? Are you guys…” She raises her eyebrows. “Is this why you’re so adamant about Mingi not loving you?” Nayeon gasps with her brilliant connection.
“No, no, definitely not.” You shut her down immediately. “Just Hongjoong playing matchmaker, I guess. Except…” you wonder if you should tell Nayeon this tidbit of information, and decide that the only harm that could come from it is, like, minor embarrassment. “Hongjoong literally said to our faces that we couldn’t have a sexual relationship.” You whisper-yell, trying to minimize the chances of your voice carrying into the hallway.
Nayeon’s mouth falls open. “Seriously?”
You nod, solemnly.
“Well, are you listening? I wouldn’t, if I was living with San.” Nayeon winks, a teasing smile on her face.
“Nayeon, obviously we aren’t having sex. Have you met San? He would never go against Hongjoong like that.”
She purses her lips, her head tilting again. “I wouldn’t be so sure. He can be quite… assertive… when he needs to be.”
“Please shut up.”
Nayeon giggles, “Okay, shutting up.”
“Well, I dumped on you. Do you have anything you need to talk about?” You ask, suddenly feeling a bit bad for talking only about yourself this entire time.
Nayeon slides off of the bed, placing her hands on her hips as she thinks. “I… surprisingly don’t think so. But, you know, I could use San for something real quick, are we done with the private stuff?” She asks, already scooching past you to reach for the door.
You nod as she pulls the door open, sticking her head into the hallway. “Sa— oh, you’re right here, huh, uh, anyways, could you do me a favor?” She leads San into the room, beckoning him to follow her to the cabinet that she had been digging in when you first arrived. “Can you reach that blood pressure cuff up on the top shelf there?” She points upward.
San, though not the tallest man you’ve ever met, is still almost half a foot taller than Nayeon herself, and is able to grab the cuff with ease. He hands it down to her, shyly brushing off her thanks as he does.
Sheesh. Nayeon should see the way that he looks at her. According to her logic, maybe San is in love with her. What about that?
…
… … … … …
…Why does that thought make you… feel… something…? A bit of a queasy feeling in your stomach, partnered with a bit of sudden anger. It’s definitely an emotion that you can place, one that you’re no stranger to, but… Why is this scene causing—
Your eyes widen and you frown. Nope. Nuh-uh. You won’t even justify the emotion with its name. Not when it’s San that you’re emoting to. As in, the weirdo cult freak, San . Nope. Not gonna happen.
You avert your eyes away from the pair, scratching at the back of your neck as San asks if there’s anything else he can do for her. Ugh, gag.
God. You try to think about literally anything else. Hongjoong. Yeah, Hongjoong. What about him? He sure makes you mad! Haha, that weird guy….
You glance back over at San and Nayeon.
And then look away as quickly as you had looked. What is wrong with you? Why should you care if they’re having a conversation? They could be best friends for all you know. And you shouldn’t assume that just because a man and a woman are interacting that they’re flirting. Heaven knows that that assumption drives you mad. So you would be quite bold to make the assumption yourself!
… But Nayeon did say that she would sleep with him if the opportunity arose. And you had just told her that you absolutely cannot be involved with San like that…
No, seriously, you need to stop. Like, this is crazy. Who are you? Have you forgotten the situation that you’re in? Who San is? Like, sure, he’s really hot. Like, extremely hot, but that doesn’t change who or what he is. This is a cult. He is part of the leadership of the cult. He is part of the reason that you’re trapped here. San . And you’re jealous that he’s talking to another cult member? Yeah, absolutely not. Not on your watch.
Plus, are you really that easy? You live with a man for, what, like, five days, and you already have a crush on him? Yeah, no. Not gonna happen. Even if San is hot and respectful and has amazing proportions and is nice to you and is flexible with you and treats you with more kindness than anyone on this forsaken farm… does NOT mean that you have to like him. And so you won’t. Because you say so. And that’s how emotions work.
“(Y/n)? Are you okay?” San asks, suddenly at your side.
You startle, taking a few steps away from him in the process. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine?”
San looks at you a bit weird, a strange smile on his face. “Okay…” He looks over at Nayeon, presumably giving her the same weird look. “Well, are you ready to continue our walk?”
You agree, though you’re not entirely sure that the place you want to be right now is at San’s side. Not with all of this… confusion you suddenly have running through your veins. What you really need is some quality alone time, but you realize that that is quite the ask for the situation you find yourself in. So you instead say your goodbyes to Nayeon, thanking her again for her advice as yourself and San excuse yourselves from the infirmary.
You step outside (the cool air hitting you with a surprising chill once again) not entirely sure where San plans to take you next on this walk. You let him lead the way as he sets off through the lawn.
San matches his pace to yours, falling back a bit so that you’re walking side by side. He puts his hands in his jacket pockets, fluttering the sides of his coat for some circulation. “So…” He sounds serious, and you’re worried for a moment that he might’ve picked up on your… emotions from earlier. Insead, he says something much worse. “You’ll tell Nayeon your boy problems, but not me?”
You stop in your tracks. “You were listening!?”
San stops as well, turning around to face you with a sheepish grin on his face. “I may or may not have heard some of the conversation. Through the very thin walls. The very, very thin walls.” He shrugs. “I tried to walk further down the hall, but that didn’t help much. So I tried to just not listen. But I still heard the first part, and, for that, I’m sorry.”
You’re honestly speechless. On one hand, you guess that it doesn’t matter that much if San knows what happened between you and Mingi. Like Nayeon said, apparently everyone (besides you) knew the little tid-bit about Mingi’s feelings, so it’s not like he heard some big secret. And you really had only gone to Nayeon because you wanted another woman’s perspective, not because she was the only person you could trust with the information… You definitely could’ve just told San everything… but still.
And the last part of the conversation. Not that you had said anything incriminating, but, like, still.
“What did you hear?” You ask, wanting to clarify what he counts as ‘the first part.’
“Just that Mingi loved you and that you guys had a fight about it, but I kinda gathered that already.”
You stay silent, though you do concede that he’s right by shrugging a bit and nodding.
“Again, I’m sorry for accidentally eavesdropping.” He genuinely does sound sorry, even if the information was stuff that he basically already knew. “I do feel bad.”
“It’s alright, like you said, it’s not like you didn’t already know.” You’re honestly not upset knowing that he heard. On the contrary, its almost a relief to know that you don’t have to hide the emotions anymore.
San regains his normal smile, giving you a thumbs up. “Cool, I’m glad you’re not upset. And, uhm, for the record, you can come to me with stuff like that, if, if you want to! I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to, or like you can’t tell me certain things.”
You provide San with a tight smile as a response. “Thanks, San.” You leave it at that, knowing that you still probably wouldn’t be telling him such things. Even if him knowing doesn’t bother you as much as you had thought it would, it would still probably be pretty awkward to talk to him about… your relationship problems.
The wind gusts hard then, your button up pressing to your skin and offering you little to no shield. San’s bangs flutter across his forehead as he steps closer to you, opening the side of his coat to block the direction of the wind.
“Sheesh,” San waits until the gust dies down, not stepping away from you. “Are you sure you’re not cold?”
“Well I wasn’t until just right now.” A shiver runs through you despite the wind waning.
San is shrugging his coat off before you can get a word in. “Great, because I’m really hot. Like, I’m boiling in this thing.” He holds it out to you, smiling.
“Oh, San, no, you don’t have t—”
San retracts the coat, repositioning it in his hands in order to drape it over your shoulders. He drops it on you, smoothing the arms down over your own. “Hold it for me, at least?”
You frown, if only to resist the smile creeping up on you. Over your own dead body will you smile over a romantic gesture from San.
Of course, that’s if this is a romantic gesture. It could just be a regular gesture, a friendly one. And if it’s just a friendly one, then… there really wouldn’t be any problem with sliding your arms into the jacket and allowing its insulation to warm you up.
“If you insist…” You squint at San, putting your arms into the arms of the coat.
He nods, “I do.” He turns away from you, starting forth on your walk once again.
It’s only then, as you take in your surroundings, that you realize where the two of you had paused your walk. You had stopped a considerable distance from the entrances of the barns, but close enough to be able to see in at a somewhat awkward angle. As the two of you begin to walk toward the barns’ entrances, you’re able to see Mingi. Looking at you for the first time in days. He simply stares as San and yourself approach, the twine of a bale of hay clenched in his gloved hands.
His gaze makes you want to stop walking. You want to stop and stare back, send him a message with your eyes that you’re giving him time, that you’re giving him space, and that he can come to you when he’s ready. But, of course, that sort of communication is a bit complicated to be sending through eyes. You’re not able to say those things. As you’re genuinely about to freeze in place, Mingi drops his eyes, turning around to walk deeper into the barn, leaving you to wonder how much of your exchange with San he had just seen.
… Not that you care, of course, because you know that San just gave you his coat in an entirely friendly manner, and you don’t care what Mingi thinks of your relationship with him. You had told him the truth, and, if he didn’t believe you, then that’s entirely his problem.
San seems to have entirely missed Mingi’s presence, not faltering for a second as he continues into the barn. Exactly why San is taking you here, you still don’t know, but you follow behind him anyhow. The air in the barn is strikingly warmer than outside, the heat of the animals raising the temperature. San falls back in his pace once more, walking with you in-step past the various animal enclosures.
You try looking around for Mingi, but his knack for completely disappearing has come in handy for him. His bright head is literally nowhere to be seen, despite the majority of the barn in your sights.
Though you can’t see Mingi, you can see a more formidable presence lingering in the back of the barn, hauling hay as Mingi had appeared to be doing.
Jongho turns as he hears the pair of footsteps approaching, a scowl immediately planting itself on his face.
“Jongho! Good afternoon,” San greets him, ignoring Jongho’s clear annoyance.
Jongho nods his head in acknowledgement, turning back around to grab another bale of hay.
San gives you an awkward smile. “Um,” He turns to face Jongho’s back again, “Say, we’re planning a trip into town. Did you need anything?”
You turn to San in shock, your eyes wide open upon hearing his sentence. Since when is this happening?
San pays you no mind, however, waiting for Jongho’s reply.
“You’re taking her into town?” Jongho turns around as soon as he’s moved the bale to where he wants it (which, by the way, is approximately 10 feet to the left, for whatever reason). He looks at San with a twinge of disbelief, though it’s hard to read his expression. “Good luck with that. Though I’d be happy to send her off.”
You hardly hear the insult at the end of Jongho’s statement, a rush of excitement running through you. Into town? You? Yeah, more like into the arms of some kind police officers. You could practically jump for joy. You reach a hand out to grab San’s arm, wanting to get his attention for some sort of confirmation that he’s not just joking.
The hope dies not too long after. “Oh, no, I’m not taking (Y/n) into town. By ‘we’ I meant Hongjoong and company. (Y/n) and I are just on a walk, and I figured I’d come ask you.” San still doesn’t look at you. “So, do you need anything?”
You bite your lip, trying to not be too disappointed. Really, what did you think? Even thinking for a second that you might possibly be let off of this farm is… foolish. Your hand falls off of San’s arm, dangling at your side.
Jongho rests his hands on his hips, sighing as he thinks. “This is more of Yeosang’s thing, but lots of gas. And we could use some more chicken feed, I guess.”
“Any personal requests? Bleach? Hair dye?” San eyes Jongho’s fading red hair as he asks.
Jongho rolls his eyes, turning back to his hay. “No.”
“Great!” San leaves the conversation at that, turning on his heel to return to the barn door. You follow along behind him, trying very hard to not look as dejected as you feel.
You walk in silence as you exit the animal barn, but you don’t make it to the machine barn before being able to stop yourself.
“San,” You stop between the barns, getting his attention. He stops as well, turning back to face you in a way reminiscent of your earlier exchange. “I, I, what? You’re going into town? Since when?”
He takes a step closer to you, a pitiful look on his face. “Yeah, in a couple days. It’s been planned for, for really only a day or so.”
You’re not able to hide the sadness from your face. You look up at him, a pleading look in your eyes as you don’t say a word.
“You know that you can’t come, (Y/n).” San whispers this, leaning his face closer to your own.
“Why not?”
San looks at you as though you’ve just told a particularly bad joke. “Really, (Y/n), why can’t you go into town?”
“Listen,” He sighs deeply when you don’t respond, opting to continue looking at him with your best doe-eyes. “I know that you don’t like it here, okay? I understand. But, between you and me, you have to just accept it.” He glances around as if to ensure that no one can hear him blaspheme to you. “Even if you don’t believe in The Answer, and even if you don’t believe in Hongjoong. It will be so much easier for yourself if you simply… get used to the situation. And going into town would only make it more difficult for you.”
“San, I-” He cuts you off by reaching up with both hands to rest them on your shoulders.
“I’m saying this to you because I care, (Y/n). I care about you, and seeing you so… upset is, is hurting me. I know that we haven’t known each other closely for very long— maybe you wouldn’t even consider us close now— but, please. I can’t bear to watch it. Your acceptance of your situation would make you a lot happier.”
It’s disconcerting to hear San’s speech, even though you had just reminded yourself that this is San. Cult San. Brainwashed San.
You frown up at him, processing what he just told you. You won’t lie to yourself and say that it’s not something you’ve ever considered, even if just by your subconscious. Sure, you could just give up and spend the rest of your life as Hongjoong’s hostage. Maybe that would be the easy thing to do. But there’s literally no fucking way that that would ever happen.
Even if giving up would be the easy thing to do, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to do it. You’re sure that San is right; you probably would be a lot happier if you simply accepted this to be how your life will remain. There wouldn’t be so much emotional turmoil or upset, and you’d probably get used to it pretty quickly. Like, sheesh, think of all the other adults here that are perfectly content. That could be you, except for the fact that it absolutely couldn’t be you.
There is no version of yourself that gives in. There is no version that is okay with this life.
Whether it hurts San or not is none of your business. You will be getting off of this farm, and you will not give up until your freedom is guaranteed.
“Please? Just try?” San’s eyes glimmer and for a second you’re concerned that he’s crying again. His grip tightens on your shoulders, though not so tight that you’re uncomfortable.
“San, I…” You search his face, looking for any sign that he’s presenting a facade. You can’t find one, so you look down at the packed ground beneath your feet, taking a step backward so that his hands fall from you. “No, I won’t… I won’t accept things as they are, San.”
San sighs again, though it’s more of an exhale than a true sigh. “It’s your choice, (Y/n). I just wish you would choose to be happy.”
“That’s what I’m doing.” You don’t appreciate his tone, though you’re sure he must genuinely mean what he’s saying. You return your gaze to his face, wanting to see his reaction.
He smiles, then, though just barely. “If you see it that way.”
“Um, are you guys just gonna stand there all day?” Someone yells at the two of you from the machinery barn. “It’s getting weird.”
You peer over San’s shoulder to find the source of the voice to be none other than Yeosang. San spins around as well, your conversation seemingly forgotten.
“Yeosang!” San greets the man now leaning against one of the huge door frames of the barn. “Just who we were looking for.”
Yeosang greets him back, beckoning for the two of you to follow him inside, which you do without complaint. As much as you want to continue grumbling with San, the warmth of the barn isn’t something you can pass up.
You follow him deeper into the barn, which is as full as ever. Unlike the day that you had met Yeosang, there actually seems to be quite a few others milling about, working on certain vehicles and having discussions amongst themselves. In turn, Yeosang looks impeccable. His blonde hair is unmarred by any grease, his clothes as pristine as can be.
He leads you to one of the far back corners of the barn, where there’s a small seating area set up. “Please, sit, sit.” He insists, gesturing toward the folding chairs arranged in a strange, semi-circle formation.
You do so because you feel that it might be rude to deny, San following your lead. Yeosang pulls up a chair, spinning it around to sit backwards with his arms resting on the back. “What’s up?”
San clears his throat. “Do you need anything from town? We’re going out in a couple days and should be able to grab just about anything.”
Yeosang drops his chin in surprise. “You two?”
You shake your head, closing your eyes so that you don’t have to see his look of relief. San explains the situation for you.
“Ahhh, that makes more sense…” Yeosang pauses, frowning as he thinks. “Well, I know we definitely need gas— diesel and unleaded. And I could use a few various ratchet sizes, a couple of whatever you can find.”
San holds a hand up, signaling for Yeosang to wait. “Uh, (Y/n), there should be a little notebook in the right pocket of that jacket, could you-”
But you’ve already reached in, pulling out the notebook and handing it over to him so that he can start taking note of Yeosang’s requests. He nods for him to start again, a tiny pencil in hand.
Yeosang raises his eyebrows. “You guys sure are getting to be close, huh?”
You simply look back at him, neither confirming nor denying. You honestly have no idea if you would consider yourself close with San, especially not after… whatever that little speech was. Sure, he’s been quite a good friend to you, and his company isn’t… bothersome. But he is a brainwashed cult persona, so, you know, is it possible for you to be close with him? You don’t really think so… but that little feeling in your gut earlier sure said otherwise.
You banish the thought as quickly as it had come. Now is decidedly not the time to be thinking about such feelings, and, frankly, there never will be a time.
San doesn’t say anything either, but you can see him shrug in your peripheral vision. “Anyways… gas, ratchets, anything else?”
“Uh,” Yeosang glances between the two of you, a small smile on his face. “A few flashlights, batteries, double and triple A, please. The usual oil, degreaser, some hydraulic fluid— only if you’re going to the tractor supply, otherwise it should be fine—”
And so Yeosang goes on, giving San quite a laundry list. San notes each request, having to flip the notebook page more than once. When Yeosang trails off, seemingly done, San asks again. “Anything personal?”
Yeosang purses his lips. “Hair dye, please. Dark brown.” He tips his head forward to show you his scalp. “Look at my roots! This blonde is… difficult to upkeep.”
San shuts the notebook, shoving it into his back pocket and clapping his hands together as he stands (apparently quite eager to escape before Yeosang can add anything else). “Noted, dark brown hair dye!” He looks down at you, where you’re still sitting. “Ready?” He offers his hand out to you, but you stand without taking it.
“Good to see you guys,” Yeosang stands as well, walking with you as you head back to the doors. “Especially you, (Y/n). You look… healthier, lately.”
An awkward smile spreads across your face. What kind of complement is that… But you thank Yeosang anyway as you excuse yourself from the barn with San.
San leads you away once more, leaving the barns behind the two of you to head toward the main building again. “Just one more,” San turns to look at you over his shoulder, “then we can head back…” He faces straight ahead, though he continues addressing you. “I’m sorry if this is all boring, too, and I’m… I’m more sorry if I upset you. It’s just my opinion, and I shouldn’t push it on you.”
You stare at the back of his head, his black hair brushing against the nape of his neck rhythmically with his footsteps. You suppose that San really hadn’t meant to make you upset. Can you really blame him for trying to push the cult agenda on you, when he is, in fact, a member of said cult? He’s just as brainwashed as the rest of them, and he probably genuinely means what he said. That doesn’t mean that it was right of him to try and tell you how to behave or feel… but it is an excuse for why he probably did.
You’ve come to learn over the past few days that San is harmless enough. He’s a perfect gentleman, treating you with respect in his every action. He’s kind to you, indulging in your requests of him even if they’re a tad bit ridiculous. He’s never done anything that you would remotely consider harmful… minus the part he played in abducting you. But, again, that can also be explained away by him simply being a faithful member with not a question in his mind when it comes to Hongjoong.
He’s clearly smart, being trusted with most of the administrational tasks of the commune cannot be a small thing. He gets along with everyone that you’ve seen so far, not paying any mind to even Jongho’s attitude. He’s great for talking to, whether he’s offering you information or just keeping you company.
… In essence, San is a good guy. And you won’t hold a minor, genuine slip-up against him.
Though you’ve been silent for longer than he probably anticipated, you respond anyhow. “It’s alright, San. I know you didn’t mean to make me mad. I just,” you search for the right words to describe your situation, “I just can’t stay here. If you want me to be happy, this is how I’ll do it.”
San nods his head in acknowledgement, allowing the conversation to end there. You appreciate it, never one for the more awkward conversations that come along with relationships.
He takes you all the way back to the main building, holding the door open for you once you arrive. You thank him as you step over the threshold, stopping to wait for him to close the door before starting off again. If there’s only one more person that San needs to discuss the trip with, it must be Wooyoung.
You’re not surprised when San sets off in the direction of the cafeteria, headed toward the kitchens. Your walk continues in silence and the two of you reach your destination in no time, pushing past the entry to the kitchen with ease.
Wooyoung is easy to find, as he’s currently quite near the door, cutting up… a zucchini? You don’t care enough to take a clear look at the fruit, simply glad to see Wooyoung again.
San makes your presence known, clearing his throat and saying hello. Wooyoung doesn’t startle as you might have, instead gently setting the knife in his hands down before turning to face you.
Wooyoung takes a few seconds to process who he’s looking at, his eyes flitting between San and yourself before he breaks into a smile. “(Y/n)! Are you back?”
You offer a sad smile. “Sadly not.” You’re a little surprised to find that you genuinely mean the sentiment. Again, work wasn’t your favorite thing in the world, but it at least gave you something to spend your time doing.
“Oh.” Wooyoung frowns, wiping his hands down the front of his apron before putting them on his hips. “Then, uh, why are you guys here?”
San explains the trip into town, pulling the notebook out of his pocket as he asks what Wooyoung needs.
“Putting me on the spot!” Wooyoung smiles despite the protest, apparently wracking his mind for anything that he may need. “Well, the usual provisions, of course. Whatever fresh food is in season, minus corn, obviously. Our meat stock is quite okay…”
You tune out the rest of Wooyoung’s various requests as you had tuned out Yeosang’s. Apologies, but you just don’t find the lists very interesting. You suppose that they might be talking in some sort of code, considering your presence, but… yeah, no. They’re not that careful. You’re fairly certain that each of the items is simply exactly what is being asked for, and they’re not that exciting. Probably.
“And, personally?” San finally asks, having, once again, flipped multiple pages of the little notebook.
Wooyoung shakes his head. “I don’t need anything, just (Y/n) back!” He beams at you, grabbing his knife once more as he returns to cutting the mystery fruit. “I need help cutting all of these damn zucchinis that Jongho insists on planting every year! (Y/n), you don’t know any zucchini recipes off the top of your head, do you?” You shake your head, crushing the hopeful glance that Wooyoung had given.
With that, San bids your goodbyes and the two of you, once again, set off alone.
“San, who gets to make requests for things to bring back?” You ask as he leads you back toward the entrance, where the stairs are located.
He glances at you briefly before falling back to keep in stride with you, seeing as you now are confident in your destination. “Well, all us bigwigs. And the other, smaller leaders. Like Nayeon with the infirmary or Soobin with the daycare, but I typically don’t reach out to them. There’s sign up sheets for them. There are sign up sheets for the average followers, too, of course, but we normally don’t make any promises when it comes to those items.”
You tilt your head at his statement. “Why didn’t you ask Nayeon if she needed anything, since we were there?”
San gives you a puzzled look. “I… did? After reaching up the shelf…? Huh, I thought you seemed a little out of it, but you really must’ve been.”
You hope that San doesn’t notice the flush that runs up your face at his comment. Had you really been so deep in your own head that you completely missed him saying anything about going into town? Really? Jesus…
“I was feeling a little weird after talking with Nayeon, yeah,” you try to nonchalantly provide an explanation. “Another question. Where do I fall in that… ranking?”
“Ranking?”
“I mean, am I… just an average follower or…?”
San chuckles. “I wouldn’t dare to guess your status with Hongjoong… but I don’t think so, no.”
A small sense of relief runs through you, though you’re not sure why and it immediately revulses you. Why the hell should you care how Hongjoong thinks of you? You don’t . You shove the feeling away, as you had earlier. There are certain things that are simply so outlandish that you don’t need to waste your time thinking about them. Such irrational feelings are a perfect example.
---
The rest of the day passes with little fanfare. Mingi ignores you at dinner, as per usual. Hongjoong and Seonghwa bother other people, apparently pleased enough with themselves and their now daily torture they get to put you through. Which, speaking of, book club had been conducted shortly after your walk with San finished. It was with Seonghwa, which meant very little actually happened.
He had only made you read a few pages out loud to him. You apparently have quite the knack for wearing Hongjoong down, because he had conceded into letting you read much smaller amounts than had originally been planned.
Seonghwa was clearly pissed about this development, but he wouldn’t dare bring up his frustrations to Hongjoong… so instead he just stared at you. Which, to be fair, is still pretty creepy, but it’s a lot better than him bitching at you or the experience of being alone with Hongjoong, so you honestly didn’t mind so much. It certainly made the process faster.
And, thankfully, only reading a couple pages at a time has proven manageable. You’re pretty much able to read out loud without really comprehending what you’re saying, so while you’re technically reading The Answer and technically following Hongjoong’s instructions… you’re not exactly learning anything. You hadn’t even made it to the second chapter yet with the pace that you’ve set, and the first chapter is a whole lot of repetitious bullshit about parallel universes.
And that was that. But… things with San remained a little… tense for the rest of the day. As much as you would like to think that it entirely had to deal only with his little piece of advice… you’d be lying to yourself if you said so. What’s really bothering you is clear enough, but you still are abashedly refusing to acknowledge it.
Though you aren’t afraid to realize that you really can’t hold your own, random, confusing emotions against San. Like, really, it’s not his fault that he’s making you feel… emotions… so you know that it’s a bit silly to be upset with him. And so you’re not upset with him. Just… awkward. Because how the hell are you supposed to keep acting like things are entirely normal when they’re definitely not? You’re just supposed to sleep next to him, knowing that you… ???
Nope. You don’t know anything. Nothing.
And so you lay motionless on your side of the bed, your hands tucked neatly under your pillow with your eyes squeezed shut, praying that San thinks you’re sleeping (despite you having only entered the bedroom approximately three minutes before he did).
You listen attentively as he gets ready for bed, trying to picture his movements to keep up the appearance that you’re sleeping. You’ve gotten a feel for his routines by now, and you essentially can keep up with him in your mind. You can picture him well enough in your mind, brushing his teeth and washing his face and putting on his godforsaken chapstick that makes his lips so… AH! SO NOTHING! You clench your hands underneath your head, fighting the thought.
You’re so distracted by the sudden intrusion that you lose track of San, and you nearly jump when the covers beside you are pulled back.
San crawls into bed beside you, making himself comfortable with as little movement as possible. You take this as a good sign that he thinks you’re asleep, but you must not be very convincing as he whispers only a moment later.
“(Y/n)? Are you asleep?”
You don’t respond, attempting to control the rise and fall of your lungs as though you are sleeping.
“I don’t think you are, for the record, so I’m going to tell you this anyways.” He pauses, flipping onto his back. “I’m really sorry, again if I, if I made you u-upset or angry. I genuinely meant what I said, about you being happier if… yeah. And I’m not telling you this as some ploy from Hongjoong or as some brainwashed cult member, okay? I’m telling you as, as someone that cares. If not being here would mean that you would be happier… then I want that for you. But I can’t help you get there. I’m sorry.”
He flips again, facing your back. “Do you want anything from town? Anything at all?”
You open your eyes in the dark of the room, knowing that he can’t see you anyhow. You continue your steady breathing, though you do think about his offer. There are plenty of things that you want from town. Starting with, but not limited to, a cellphone or something with the ability to connect to cellular data would be wonderful. Maybe a new car, since yours has disappeared? Maybe another sane person that can help you ? A police officer or an EMT or something? Christ.
You won’t waste the opportunity to get something, though. “A book, please.”
San sighs, and you feel him roll back onto his back. “Which one?”
“Anything you think I’ll like.”