Chapter Text
The kitchen table was strewn with debris of another comfortable dinner, Dean had stepped out, leaving just Cas and Sam to clean the dishes.
Stepped out is maybe too kind a word. Stormed out is more like it. Dean could be like a storm when she was angry or upset. Her hands trembling like they’re caught in a gust of wind, her voice cracking like thunder, her hands lashing out like lightening.
So, Dean had stormed out. Cas and Sam knew she would take a drive. Knew she would try to calm down. Knew she would come back, still angry, but maybe it’ll be buried slightly better.
But left alone together, Cas had simply started cleaning. She began washing the dishes in the sink until Sam joined her, drying each one and placing them home in the cabinets. It didn’t take as long as usual. Without Mom and Jack, there were less dishes to clean now. Still, Cas found herself standing at the sink, scrubbing at the bits of dried pasta and red stains of sauce until those were gone too.
For a short while, Sam simply watched. She felt words blooming in her chest but also knew that Cas might not want to hear them.
“I’ve missed you,” Sam let herself say.
Cas seemed ridged suddenly. She carefully placed the sponge down and dried her hands on a nearby towel.
Sam tried again, “Cas. I don’t know what happened. But I know Dean missed-“
“You don’t know anything, Sam,” Cas said quietly. It should have hurt, it should have sounded like a stab, like an attack. Instead, it just sounded sad and true.
“Then tell me why you left? Why you wouldn’t answer our calls or prayers or-“
“I can’t hear your prayers,” Cas’s piercing blue eyes caught Sam. She looked fierce, but underneath that, scared, “My grace is failing and Dean… She doesn’t want me here.”
“That’s not true.”
“When she looks at me, she only sees the ways I’ve failed. The ways we’ve lost. I don’t- Sam, I can’t be that anymore. She doesn’t want me here.”
“Cas, you know that’s not true,” Sam’s voice was softer as she said, “Dean, she just. She feels responsible for everything. And sometimes she takes that out on people she cares about.”
“Not you.” Cas said suddenly.
Sam huffed slightly, “If you really think that you haven’t been paying attention.”
“That’s not what I mean. She takes things out on you yes. She gets angry at you, blames you, the same as me. But she forgives you. Even when she’s furious with you she can’t help but forgive you anyway. She forgives everyone.
“But this. When it comes to me and my mistakes. Sam, I still think she’s angry with me for purgatory, and for the leviathans before that. I don’t deny that I’ve done terrible things. I know now I should have told you both about my fears with Jack. But I also know that I did what I thought was right. I’ve always done what I think is right. But she only sees my mistakes as failures.”
“Cas we’ve all made mistakes. Dean knows that better than anyone.”
“Then why can’t she forgive me.”
Sam took a moment to watch Cas. The sleeves of her trench coat were still rolled up. The dark bags under her eyes were only exaggerated by the red and glassy look in her eyes. Strands of her dark hair slipped out of her ponytail and fell around her face. Sam realized slightly she’d never seen Cas’s hair look like that. Maybe something about her grace failing, something about becoming more human made her look more human as well.
Sam clenches her jaw for a moment, searching for the right words, knowing the impact they may have.
“I think, to Dean, I’m always going to be her little sister. Someone she has to protect. Even when we were kids and I would steal her brush or get nail polish on her bed, she’d never really stay mad at me for long. She’d stay pissed off, sure. But she was always able to forgive me. I just think… I think when it come to you, you’re different.”
Cas was quiet as she asked a simple question, “Why?”
Sam doesn’t know how to answer. Cas doesn’t seem to expect one anyway.