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the first time Yuta and Kun had met, it had been at an event when they were not yet properly introduced, but even so Yuta knew that this boy, younger than himself by a year, was Kun, as much as Kun knew the name of the exotic japanese that attracted the attention of anyone as soon as he walked into a room. this Yuta knew, he knew he inebitably attracted the eyes of plenty of people out there and perhaps it was the fact that Kun had not followed him with his eyes as many did which had offended him at that time. he didn't blame him in the end, Kun was new and Yuta hadn't seen him interact much with any of his friends at the time. maybe Kun was shy, but it wasn't a very possible explanation when his gentle, subtle presence demanded even more attention than Ten's, and Ten was truly a magnet. anyway, Kun did not look for him and Yuta did not look for him either, they limited themselves to knowing that the other existed and that was all, but knowing about Kun's existence was tormenting, all of him had been sculpted in the most harmonious way possible, no one could overlook him and it was the aura that he emanated that indicated that Kun was a free soul, because he immediately made people around him feel comfortable, that's what a free soul does.
the more they met at events because of mutual friends or running into each other in the hallways, the more Yuta could notice how soft his skin looked, how incredibly pale he was, everyone used the snow app but Kun didn't need it.
with stolen glances while chatting with his friends, Yuta averted his gaze from Jaehyun to the point behind him, where Kun reached out to take the hand of the little boy that Chenle was back then, Yuta couldn't hear what they were saying, but he could see their lips mouthing words in a language he did not know, forming a beautiful, bright white smile with dimples on each of his cheeks, it was frightening how perfect his face was.
they didn't coincide much, so most of the things Yuta knew about Kun were an open secret, when he heard Johnny say that Kun played the piano in the most sublime way, or when Doyoung commented that he had had practice with him and admitted that his voice was angelic, he had also heard Taeil say that his Korean was flawless (that's not fair, i've been here longer and i'm still not good at it, Yuta thought in his mind), Taeyong had applauded many times the way the children gravitated towards Kun naturally, Yuta knew that he was studying for a university degree and he also knew he composed, what could he not do?
Yuta thought that Kun was shy and that was why he did not get too close to people. during an improvised party, just between them and other artists, he had the opportunity to see that it was not like that at all. Kun thrived alone, people looked for Kun, he talked and his voice never dropped an octave, he did not hesitate, he laughed confidently, he walked as if on a catwalk, but he was calm and reserved. Yuta had landed next to him on the couch that time. Kun had acknowledged his presence by turning his head to see him and saying his name, “Yuta,” in a way he'd never heard before, come on, it was just a name, a name that Yuta had heard from thousands of people in dozens of different accents, but Kun took it and made it his own, like he was savouring it and only after that, he addressed him in the most direct way possible, not only acknowledging his presence, but also his being or something intangible that was found within. Yuta shuddered.
“Kun,” he replied. Yuta also had his own way of answering and Kun had taken a few moments to repeat the sound of Yuta's voice in his mind and to run his eyes over as much of Yuta as he could. the japanese man had felt naked and offended, he was the one who regularly intimidated people, not the other way around. he diverted his own attention by continuing to speak. “we have never really talked before,” he had stated.
Kun parted his lips just a few millimeters, Yuta saw the movement in the same way that he would appreciate an elaborate step in a choreography, only that it had been minimal and still had a great impact. “i suppose we haven't,” he confirmed.
Yuta's eyes danced back and forth across Kun's face, registering small details that he had never had a chance to see because he hadn't had him this close, such as the mole under Kun's eyebrow, the thickness of his lips, the long eyelashes that fanned his cheekbones curved very very slightly upwards, he had double eyelids barely visible like Yuta's own, and his eyebrows were wide and thick. too symmetrical, handsome no doubt, but also pretty and with no makeup on. Yuta almost threw up at how unfair it was.
“so,” Yuta's voice wavered in the way Kun's never did. he ignored it. “tell me about you.”
Kun raised an eyebrow in disbelief, the gesture could have offended someone else (in fact Yuta was very close to being offended) and replied. “you already know everything there is to know about me.”
“we haven't even talked,” he remarked. “i only know your name and that you are this perfect being." he didn't say it offended, but he did emphasise the obvious, moving the glass in his hand to bring it closer to his mouth.
“really?” Kun smiled like he wanted to laugh, he thought the way people perceived him was too unreal, but it was fine, he often saw Yuta that way too. “then,” he leaned forward, “that's enough,” and stood up.
Yuta let it slip thinking that he was fine, Kun was still new, he had to get closer little by little. there were people who felt attacked when someone wanted to meet them, perhaps Kun was one of those people, Yuta did not judge, but Kun really handled a very unreal version of himself so it wouldn't make sense to ditch the opportunity of getting to know him.
Yuta decided it was better to approach little by little, participating in conversations where Kun was also present, inviting him to join the others to go to eat, talking almost indirectly, following his movements which were always exact, calculated and that despite this didn't look rigid or like a programmed robot, they looked graceful, delicate, there was always a difference between the way Jaehyun, for example, dropped the bags of food on the table, or the way Taeyong did it, Kun oscillated between the two extremes and so much perfection, even for those mundane and activities, was dubious.
“how are you doing?” Yuta was limited to asking when they sat side by side in a van, he thought that asking about daily activities and not about his person might be a more suitable method to get closer.
Kun then only gave him a look, very similar to the one he had given him at the party the first time, and nodded. “fine,” he replied. “i'm still adjusting, but fine.” it wasn't much information, not even close, but he had answered and Yuta would consider it a victory. “how do you adjust your life?”
Yuta had discovered, little by little, how Kun turned the questions and twisted them so in the end it was Yuta who ended up speaking, it was not something that could be noticed immediately, normally it was after the conversation was settled that Yuta stopped to think and paid attention to his failed attempt, but Kun was so subtle that it was really impossible to see it or feel it, he had an irreplicable way of making a person feel comfortable, feel heard and feel very close to him, maybe Kun did take souls and brought them close to his heart, only Yuta didn't know how he did it, all he knew was that it was one of the best feelings in the world.
“Yuta,” he always pronounced his name as if it were the most important saving grace in the world, Yuta heard it when Kun called the names of Johnny, Taeyong, Renjun, Yukhei, everyone, Kun worshipped them as if their existences were everything. Yuta felt more dizzy from that than from the alcohol. “Yuta, look at me,” he shook his head and Kun chose to grab him by the face, cradling his cheeks. Yuta froze, so Kun could make his eyes jump from Yuta's left eye to the right one, looking at his pupils, “come on, you need water.”
Yuta remembers that time well, the time when all his emotions and burdens had gotten together and he didn't know how to deal with it and he just drank too much like sometimes Johnny got lost with some marijuana, everyone had their own way.
“okay,” Yuta mumbled drawlily, but Kun ignored him and Yuta found the way he dealt with his very drunk ass to be admirable.
Kun gave him water, made him a nice dinner, and took him out for fresh air until the alcohol in his body leveled off. Kun never asked him what was wrong, but Kun's soul was a refuge, Yuta did not need encouragement to tell him what was troubling him.
"it's too much,” he sobbed, "i'm tired and i don't know what i' m doing; i don't fit and i don't know how to change it," Kun just held him in his arms, calming him with his presence, with his heartbeat and soft caresses. "i miss my family.”
"i am not the best person to tell you how to deal with it,” Kun said and Yuta heard it through the vibrations in his chest. Kun didn't know how to deal with it? impossible, Kun knew everything.
Yuta slowly raised his head to look at him with still wet cheeks. “but you are you, you must know,” pathetic explanation, but there was no other way to put it.
Kun's laughter reached his ears and pierced his entire being like an antidote to all pain. “if you yourself don't know, much less me. i only know i can help you.” was all he said. he never told him how, he never told him the secret, but he complied and in no time Yuta learnt to deal with his emotional burdens on his own. it always seemed strange to him that Kun admitted not knowing how to cope with his emotions but that he knew perfectly how to mentor Yuta and everyone else into finding out about themselves.
after that time, Kun brought him to Taeyong and left because there was no way Kun could stay, it was inappropriate, they did not know each other and it could be dangerous. Yuta found himself wanting to put a shield in front of himself for protection from the way Kun possessed to make his way, dangerous and very prone to attack without actually doing so. Yuta had to come up with his own way of attacking and counterattacking.
he thought he found a way when one night they lost Kun in the dorms, Yuta had no reason to look for him, but Taeil asked him to because it was worrying that Kun would suddenly disappear without warning, maybe he had returned home or someone had stopped him outside (highly likely and it made their hair stand on end because they were never safe). so Yuta obeyed and went to look for Kun until he found him on the roof, resting on the worn out railing Yuta could tell received little to no care. he found him with his back turned to the door of course, he was bent over, his elbows resting on the rail, his back was impressively straight, if Yuta concentrated well he could see the line of his spine outlined through his shirt, his shoulders moved to the sound of his breathing and Yuta frowned when in one of those breaths he saw smoke coming out. Yuta took a step forward.
“Kun?” he muttered.
Kun did not turn to see him, but he recognised his presence and Yuta knew it because he heard him say his name. “Yuta,” calm and gentle.
“what are you doing?” he questioned, it was impossible not to, because Kun had never even been seen lifting a bottle of alcohol, his face did not give him away, on the contrary it protected him, no one would think that Kun would accept vices, but he had never seen him restrict or judge nobody, so no, he really wasn't as puritanical as his image sponsored, and if Kun drank the times everyone partied, he must have had an enviable control over himself, because Yuta had never seen him out of his mind. “why aren't you downstairs?” he disguised his previous question so as not to look so intrusive, the least he wanted was for Kun to feel judged when he never judged anyone.
“just breathing,” he said, releasing the last breath of air and smashing the cigar in his hands against the metal of the railing, he did not throw it away immediately, he kept it between his fingers in an elegant and not at all vulgar position, his fingers separated like the hand of a ballet dancer, slightly bent, his thumb almost touching his middle finger, the index rose proud as well as the little finger, and there lay the cigarette. Kun moved and that forced Yuta to look up at his face again. Kun's own gaze glued to Yuta's face longer than necessary, Yuta felt that he was finally accomplishing something, but Kun spoke. "i'm going home, tell them i'm fine."
Kun withdrew before Yuta could try to strike up a conversation and Kun didn't seem willing to start one himself. Yuta was left holding onto the railing, breathing the lingering smoke and the faint scent of Kun's perfume. Yuta decided that Kun was not perfect, because he had seen him bend to something, an unspoken or admitted pressure, which was by no means enough to say that Kun was imperfect, much less when Kun executed even that stumble with the best of his postures.
Yuta did not follow him and tried not to think about what made up Kun's being, he knew that an extremely good soul filled his person, but there were other elements, as in all, that Kun did not dare to reveal. he only avoided thinking about it that night, though, because later he did an analysis that was uncalled for, but it was weird, Yuta might not have a close relationship with everyone, god, it was impossible to relate to everyone so closely when there were so many people, but no one hid, everyone shared something, Kun often did not.
it wasn't something that people usually wasted time figuring out, in fact it wasn't something that should take time at all. Kun seemed to be there to serve and that was how he perceived himself, he liked to be there and help others, he often pushed himself to meet people's expectations. Yuta began to notice it when he saw Kun practise and he saw him analyse each of his peers and mentors, absorbing the best qualities like sponge and uniting them in the end in the perfect entity that was Kun; Yuta also saw him bow his head and agree to absolutely everything that they told him he should change or improve, it was like Kun knew when and how to subordinate himself to his superiors to earn a place, which instead gave him a long-term power and independence that Kun did not use in his favour, but in favour of his people, to instruct them, to guide them, he couldn't be that perfect, Yuta concluded.
“how do you do it?” he had asked him directly once, Kun looked at him through the mirror for a couple of seconds before deciding that it was not enough and that Yuta's face was to be seen in person and up close, so he turned around.
Kun licked his lips. “do what?”
Yuta lowered his gaze, realising that he didn't even know what he was going to say, he had to think before speaking. “i don't know,” he admitted. “live the way you do, i guess.”
they both already had their bags in hand, with the zipper still unzipped, it was easy for Kun to take a look inside Yuta's bag where a plastic bag with white powder lay, Yuta saw it and moved to put the bag behind his back. Kun looked away at Yuta again until he met his eyes. “we're not that different,” he said and took a couple of steps closer, Yuta may have been intimidated by the closeness, as much as Kun was intimidated by him, but they both plucked up their courage and neither looked away. Kun bumped his nose against Yuta's, only a slight tilt was enough to close the space between them. none dared to in the end. “i'm just like you.”
in what aspect? Yuta was left thinking, in his opinion they were not similar at all, he considered Kun something not even human, as much as he considered Johnny or Jaehyun two different versions of Adonis, as people considered Yuta himself an androgynous entity out of reach.
it wasn't until a meeting at Chenle's house that Yuta saw a flash of skin glow under the almost yellow lights of the living room, his clavicles sticking out sharp to the center of his chest and even through the fabric that covered his shoulders so very thin that the tip of his clavicle joining his shoulder was prominent.
there were many bodies, all male and all the same and different at the same time, yet Yuta found that none could match Kun's, nothing ever in any way could match him. lie, Kun told him at some point in the night, i cannot reach anyone's standards. it was natural, he supposed, Yuta had always been intrigued by him, a feeling that he could not really explain because he knew it was complicated, there are things that are simply not named and others that could not be externalised, this just happened to be both.
Kun turned around and the loose strand of hair on his forehead not caught by the spray, probably styled that way on purpose, danced just like him and the liquid inside the glass he was holding, a simple gesture that did not carry much meaning, but with Kun being Kun, it probably did hold a meaning, i mean, not that Yuta knew, after all almost everything he knew about Kun was an open secret and his own assumptions, the man was terribly reserved and damn if that wasn't sexy. it had been a long journey, Yuta never perceived Kun as someone insecure of himself, but there was a considerable evolution in his way of dressing over time, something that Yuta would call adaptation, we all do it, but nobody did like Kun. you're joking, had been the answer received, have you seen yourself?
Kun laughed at something that Ten had told him and that was a sound that must have been impossible to go unnoticed, there was no way that someone in the room had not heard it and stumbled, it was music, it was art that was only appreciated from afar and It couldn't be understood, everyone attributed a different interpretation that Kun never bothered to clarify, simple hermeneutic that Yuta wasn't sure he handled well even in japanese. but then again, Yuta did not know Kun and his mediocre interpretations and ideals had to suffice.
“i am not kissing you, Ten,” Kun said, Yuta didn't have to turn around to know that Kun was frowning in that way that made him look more handsome than pretty and it was perhaps that duality that drove everyone crazy. “what will you teach the kids?”
Yangyang was quick to reply from his spot near Yuta, under Donghyuck's outstretched arm. “nothing we don't already know, gē,” fast and effective, that's how Yangyang was and Kun or Ten took longer to put him in place than it took the 20-year-old to leave orbit again. Yuta envied him, because his young eyes had seen more of Kun on a day-to-day basis, because his ears heard things that Yuta might never hear.
“Yukhei, then,” Ten sounded like he was about to throw a tantrum but settled for his second option, Yuta wondered if Ten was in the same situation and Kun was also unreachable for him, or if on the contrary, he had already had the opportunity and that is why he asked for more and more. he didn't know and he wasn't going to ask.
it must have been sad the way they lived locked up in a world that was not their own and yet they had forced themselves to accept it as such, no one had forced them, after all, to follow a steep, rocky path, full of obstacles and no way out at the end. somehow it was not as sad as it should be, people create illusions when reality is not enough, their reality was sufficient in different aspects, but the essential thing, what was fundamental in the human being, sometimes they could not possess, great antithesis that was. it didn't reach mediocre because at least there was someone to share pleasures with, the only thing they could satisfy, because spiritual or emotional ends were not easy to achieve.
thus he found himself sharing it for the first time with Kun that night, when the house was full of glasses and drinks, wrappers and food, clothes and bodies here and there. only a few lights in the house were on and the expensive designer clothes were visually colliding, there were flashes of sweat soaked skin, Jisung had already thrown a can of beer on the floor, there was absolutely no order anywhere, the house reeked of alcohol and cigarettes and marijuana, and it was all too much, but not enough.
this is what the life of people who have everything looks like, it is often so abundant that one does not know what to do with it and that, mixed with strong social pressure, often became unbearable.
“you won't let it go, will you?” Kun asked him when Yuta caught up with him in the yard. “there's so many people, why are you after me? i belong to this elite as much as you do.”
Kun spun around and Yuta saw his pupils dilated as soon as their gazes collided, completely intoxicated and still remaining immovable as no one outside of his five senses should be.
“see?” Kun hissed. “i am not some mighty being, stop seeing me as such because i cannot stand it.”
Yuta's gaze only sharpened on the words, he ventured to reply. “everyone else does.”
“well, you're not everyone else,” Kun clarified in case he didn't know. “you're the only one who hasn't stopped questioning me. tell me, what is there to see?”
well, there was a question Yuta didn't know how to answer. “i don't know.”
Kun laughed. “we're just as messed up,” his hand flew to wrap around Yuta's throat, Yuta wasn't scared because Kun never exerted pressure, but he did alert him in a way he never had before. gentle and sweet Kun losing his delicacy, it truly was mesmerising. “all of us are.”
drowning in pain, Yuta completed in his mind.
Kun released him and even though he did nothing to walk away, Yuta stopped him. “don't go,” he was just barely starting to see through and it was Kun's custom to cut it off when he was going to take another step.
“just tonight,” he whispered. “i won't leave.”
he had given up, maybe. or it was a trap. whatever it was, Yuta took the keys to a car that he shouldn't drive after having done a couple of lines and Kun shouldn't have allowed him either, but the pills were also clouding his system and no one noticed their absences.
Yuta slammed Kun against the wall as soon as they reached the first dorm they managed to get to, no one was there, what difference did it make if it wasn't their own?
“no, sweetheart,” Kun licked into Yuta's mouth, while Yuta grabbed Kun by the bare waist that the croptop, which Ten had probably chosen, couldn't cover. “here you do what i say,” he sentenced. Yuta didn't question it, because from the way Kun pulled his face towards his own with his index finger and Yuta followed him without losing the spark of determination that characterised him, Yuta knew that Kun had guided him to that very place, right now just because he wanted to.
here is the thing, Kun could make everyone follow him, he could attract attention, it was one of his abilities, but he decided how and when to do it, he could either go unnoticed or he could be the brightest star, but above all, Kun was prudent and knew how to use that attribute to do good, to guide people, to exercise leadership, but there was something inside him that lived angry with the world, they all had it, only Kun never let it out, and it was a coincidence that Yuta volunteered himself for all of Kun's suppressed sensations to fall on. Kun had chosen him meticulously, Yuta was the only one who seemed strong enough to withstand a push and pull, and he was very handsome, Kun had no bad taste after all.
“want me to devour you?” Yuta asked, approaching to tangle his tongue with Kun's malicious in nature, they kissed hard and prolonged, without any touch, Yuta stopped being afraid that Kun would break, because he did look like porcelain, but he had the same if not more strength that himself and if Kun wanted he could turn the matter around and fuck Yuta against the wall. but no, Yuta wanted to take and Kun always knew how to give.
Kun bit down hard on Yuta's lower lip without bothering to run the tip of his tongue afterward to ease the stinging pain. “only if you can do it better than me.”
Yuta could, Kun knew, Yuta was reckless and every possible definition of sin, how many people wouldn't want to fuck Yuta or to be fucked by him. it was impossible, he knew, no one could have any of them and they couldn't have anyone either, this attempt at consolation should suffice.
they walked without stumbling into a room, any room, who cared? they did not separate from each other's mouth until they considered the clothes a hindrance and the first thing they removed were their blouses, Yuta's piercing shone in the almost non-existent light and Kun strongly bit his shoulder while caressing it. Yuta did not stay behind and almost pushed him to separate him from his body and be able to pass his gaze without a hint of sorrow over all the bare skin without even a tattoo or piercing, Yuta adored these ornaments, but in Kun he discovered that he was not looking for them. they shared similar dimensions of height, waist, shoulders, but there was something about the way their skins contrasted that made him lose his mind even more, not all the milliliters of alcohol in his system, not the smoke that he inhaled, not the drugs, nothing was as intoxicating as this.
“you're so perfect, Kun,” Yuta muttered, licking his neck until the hairs stood on end, running his palms across the surface of Kun's stomach, while Kun's fingers fiddled with the earring on Yuta's belly button.
the answer Kun gave him kept Yuta from feeling envious. “i'm not,” he ran the tip of his tongue over Yuta's lower lip, outlining the shape without actually kissing it. “that's just the idea you have of me,” Yuta squeezed Kun's waist. “the one that has taken me my whole life to build.”
Yuta turned around, burying his nails in the tender skin at the movement, Kun did not complain even when Yuta threw him on the bed with a hard push, he responded, rather, by pulling Yuta with him and making them rotate positions so easily that it seemed they weighed nothing.
“why do you do it?”
quickly and deftly undoing the belt and trouser button, Kun put his mouth close to the elastic of Yuta's underwear with a prominent tent and toyed with it. “because i am afraid,” he admitted without shame. “i'm not like you,” his hand snaked up to the tattoo Yuta had acquired not so long ago, scratching the area with his fingernail and sending a shiver through Yuta. “my mind is not strong,” he didn't really say what he meant, but Yuta looked into his eyes almost without blinking, just as Kun looked at him, he didn't even notice the moment Kun tore off his underwear. “in this aspect, i differ from the rest.”
it was a very strong barrier that covered Kun and Yuta began to think that maybe it was only the outside, that the inside could be as fragile as a house of cards, but that did not matter, because Kun managed to drive away every possible threat with the façade, there was no need to built stronger walls.
Yuta moaned when Kun interrupted him abruptly by sticking out his tongue and sliding it down his length, from below to the head, passing the tip of it all the way around the circumference, Kun did not hesitate at all to play with his foreskin or tongue at the small hole of his urethra. he was dangerous, a man who knew what he was doing was dangerous.
“tell me,” Kun said and his breath caressed the damp skin with his saliva making Yuta shiver. “do you understand who we are?” he gave him a few seconds to answer, Yuta did not know what to say, because he didn't know, he could know who he was and he would not even dare to affirm it, because he was still in the process of defining himself. Kun got it. “do you understand who i am?”
Yuta began to feel his face heat up and not precisely from the way Kun wrapped his lips around his dick, which felt wonderful and looked even better, but it was not that but the way Kun used himself to make him reflect, that's how Kun worked, he used himself as a means to reach out and move others for good, with Yuta, though, Kun wasn't looking for that. Yuta's earring wiggled as he shook his head and grabbed Kun by the hair to bring him to his level, Kun winced due to the pleasurable pain in his scalp.
“what are you trying to do?” he spat, not letting go of his hair. “huh?”
“you wanted it, didn't you?" Kun ran his tongue over his lips to moisten them, in something that looked threatening. “to know me, yeah? do you wanna know?" he pulled himself out of Yuta's grasp as best he could and put both hands on his chest to lay him down on the padding, Kun rushed to climb on top of him until he positioned his still clothed ass on Yuta's bare pelvis. Yuta hissed, the fabric felt very rough against his member, but there was friction and that had been liberating. “well, i'm angry,” he confessed. “isn't it ironic, how you can have everything and anything money could buy, but you cannot have the simplest of things?” he was rocking his hips as he spoke, making it almost impossible to focus on his words, Yuta persisted. Kun leaned down and almost pressed his chest to Yuta's until his ear was within reach, he licked the lobe. Yuta shook his head from side to side, it shouldn't be like that, Kun was stealing the spotlight and he found it very difficult to complain. “i didn't want to let you get close to me, because it is something we can't have.”
“have what?" Yuta panted. “a good fuck?”
Kun shook his head. “you tell me you don't feel attached to a guy who fucked you good,” he ordered, Yuta couldn't say that, because even though Yuta was a professional and knew how to keep things to himself, that would be a lie, he did feel something for the boys with whom he sometimes shared nights, especially because they were his own friends, people very close to him, there was no more. Kun was right, outside of this their circle, they had close to nothing, take away the money, the fame and the glory, and there was much to look forward to. Kun took his silence for an answer. “you see?” Yuta growled and spun them around, fiercely ripping the remaining clothes off Kun's body and holding onto him. “i knew you would get attached to me-”
“wouldn't you do the same for me?" he interrupted Kun, the illusion bent. Kun shook his head and stretched out his hands to draw him closer and kissed him once.
“i already do,” he hugged Yuta with his legs. “but we cannot, we are meant to be alone,” as much as Yuta wanted to say no, he knew Kun was right, he just never let it cloud his judgment, apparently Kun's mind was always foggy. is that why Kun was the way he was? that his thoughts were so many and so dense that it was impossible to ignore them and he had no other choice but to listen to them and follow them, appropriate them and transform them into the best he could, something positive that would not allow him to fall so low into a hell that would end consuming him.
“not even all these drugs or wine can make you forget, huh?” Yuta asked without waiting for an answer because he already had it, the same thing happened to him, he could swim in alcohol, he could do something simple like sleep and nothing took his longings out of his head, life was not as ideal as people attributed to them and all that idealism only damaged them a little more and more every single day, they all feared that one day they would disappear. “can i try?” he was just an instrument, Yuta now saw it, Kun always kept his composure even though he was drowning inside like they all did, the difference was that Kun succeeded, he never lost it, except now, he needed an escape and perhaps Yuta needed one too.
he lowered down to bite and suck almost every inch of Kun's skin, filling it with the reddish and purple marks that painted so beautiful on his chest and thighs. Kun wanted to fight at one point to be in command, but Yuta put him in his place by anchoring his wrists under his hands on either side of his head, Yuta's full weight preventing Kun from getting away, effectively calming him down. and the way he had so pathetically sought friction by thrusting into Yuta's own dick told him he had won. Yuta didn't let go of him immediately, he stared at Kun with the same impudence that Kun used, only then did he move a hand to caress the line of his thin and outlined waist.
“pretty,” he murmured.
Kun denied. “i am not,” he shook his head. “it is not enough. don't you find it tiring? how will we never fit the standard?” Yuta understood it, the realisation fell heavy in his mind every time, but he had stopped rambling about it, deciding to do whatever the hell he wanted because of himself only and that was what he had realised Kun envied.
“shut up, would you?” Yuta growled, using his hands to spread Kun's legs by grabbing them by the knees so abruptly, that if Kun hadn't been a dancer and wasn't as elastic as he was, it probably would have hurt.
Yuta moved away to open the drawer of the bedside table, right now it was very convenient for him that everyone had some version of lube on hand, any sexual satisfaction was satisfied between them, Yuta understood Kun, there were things that he wanted with all his heart and could not have so easily.
he carelessly dropped some lube into his hands and didn't even bother to warn, he landed on his elbow on the side of Kun's head, distraction enough to insert a finger without warning, Kun swore, Yuta swallowed the word with his lips, their teeth clashed at the unstable position. Yuta did not wait a minute to warm Kun when a second finger was already making its way between his walls, warm and tight, like Kun reserved his body way more than Yuta did, he now knew the reason and that is that Kun was afraid of falling deeper. Yuta didn't care, deeper or not, the place he was in couldn't be given up after all it had cost him.
“fuck,” Kun sighed and his body spasmed a little, “go faster, please,” he whimpered, his hips trying to keep up with his rhythm and Yuta was just as impatient, he made them both settle for just two fingers and he lubed himself, Kun propped himself up on his elbows to watch the moment they connected, as if wanting to inspect that everything would be alright. Yuta was rude, yes, but it didn't mean he was hurting him.
“faster you said,” Yuta took his cock between his fingers and lined up to slowly push inside. “faster you shall get.”
Kun's abdomen tightened even more, partly from the effort he made to see and partly from the invasion that his body didn't recognise right away. “careful, careful,” he repeated, his eyes closed and his chest rose and fell as if he had run miles.
“pain makes you feel alive,” Yuta said, starting to move his pelvis, Kun dropped his head onto the pillow and sighed. “tell me this doesn't tame your anger.”
it did. Kun had had a chance to torment him and Yuta would respond by making him bow down. judging by the broken moans and rapid breaths, he accomplished it.
“ah, i'm gonna come,” Kun gasped. his dick danced on his belly and it looked tremendously red, even Yuta was hurt to see it so neglected.
“so soon?” he asked and smiled. “no, babe,” he wrapped his hand at the base of Kun's length and squeezed, Kun almost cried due to the overwhelming sensation of being so close but not quite enough.
“ah!” he sobbed and tried to curl his body but Yuta used the palm of his hand to keep him from doing it and restricting his movements. it was hypnotising, Kun could look like the most delicate flower or like a frat boy, Yuta was almost sure that if they fought Kun could easily beat the shit out him and that was the secret of feeling powerful, truly, having someone strong and self-sufficient whimper underneath him, having a someone who did not lose his composure letting go and letting go of all the emotions held within. Yuta enjoyed it like he had enjoyed few things in his life.
“give me more, come on,” Yuta said starting to move faster, Kun around him was impossible to ignore and he had to hold on to it as long as he could because this would probably not happen again, not with how little they agreed on. a world as alien as their own, as far away as it is near. “cry,” he demanded, burying his fingers in the extremely thin layer of fat that covered Kun's hips, an area that hurt when squeezed and could bruise so easily. he slid down until he could put a hand around Kun's white white neck, threatening him. “isn't that what you wanted? to make me see your being? show me then.”
Kun did, he spread his arms and drowned Yuta in his being, in languid kisses and suffocating hugs. it was easy to pretend in situations like this, not just with each other, but with anyone, that they had everything, that they were in the arms of a person they loved, that they were accepted, that they were respected, that they could return to a family and start a new one. it was easy for them to pretend to be human. they were not. it was a huge sacrifice, sacrificing their humanity to become a product and achieve their dream, losing other things, they both knew it, everyone coped with it differently. Kun drowned him in his being as he always did with everyone and Yuta found it mystical and wonderful.
“faster, fuck me harder,” Yuta complied and in barely a breath Kun was coming untouched on his dick, clenching deliciously, Yuta came too.
it was far from perfect, they both knew, but it had been with Kun and Kun never failed to do everything pristine just because he was afraid, because he was weaker than all of them, and that somehow made him stronger, because his mind would falter and it could fail and twist wicked images in his head, but it pushed him further, and he, in turn, dragged every person along, making them reach new goals and heights, it must be tiring, Yuta thought aloud. Kun pushed the cigarette away from his lips and it took exactly four seconds for the smoke to come out. “can you really see through me now?” he asked.
Yuta believed he could do it in much the same way that Kun could see through everyone. “yes.” he was more drunk than he had been when they left the house to get to the dorm.
Kun turned his head to watch the clock ticking away their lives. Kun thought about his answer before deciding. “i have got to go.”
he took three steps forward until he was as close to Yuta as possible, their noses almost colliding and in that high hour of the morning, Kun sentenced him before leaving:
“just tonight.”
and he left.