Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rue’s POV

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

The alarm takes me out of my monetary stupor, and I look down at my phone 12:15pm. Just like clockwork, every day at 12:15 my alarm goes off letting me know it is time to take my meds. Who would have ever believed that I, Rue Bennett would try to finally take a crack at being sober and medicating myself for the right reasons. I had always placed my sobriety on others because I always felt I couldn’t do it for myself. Hell since my dad died, I felt like a burden to others and had no other reason to be here. I felt that I was the biggest fuck up and nothing but a drug addict who should have died after one of those many overdoses. I have tried for months to stay sober and doing everything I can to be happy with myself. I guess those therapy sessions aren’t that bad after all.

Knock

“Rue it’s time for your meds” my mom said as she walked in with a medicine cup filled with four pills and water. She seems happier lately now that I am doing all I can to stay sober. It’s more than I did before. I take the pills from her and down them all at once.

After she took the cup from me, she looked nervous and asked, “So what are you doing today, baby?”

“Um. I don’t know, I have to see Dr. Jameson at 2:30 and then probably going to hang out with Lexi” her brows frowned at me “Yes mom, I will let you know if my plans have changed”

My mom sat next to me. Great here we go, another lecture on making sure I keep up with my meds and going to therapy and all that other shit.

What I didn’t expect was “So. Jules called, she told me you haven’t responded to any of her texts”.

Jules. I haven’t seen her since Lexi’s play. I listened to her tell me how much she loved and missed me, but my anxiety wouldn’t let me respond back. I was trying to process everything all at once and I guess I was too chicken to tell her how I felt. I thought when I kissed her forehead, she would have understood that I felt the same, but I just needed time to fix myself.

“Yeah….so?”

“Rue, baby, I know your upset with Jules being there and helping me flush the drugs, but she only did it because she loves you”Should I tell her that if Jules really loved me, then she wouldn’t have fucked Elliot. She wouldn’t have been fighting for Jules, as hard as she was right now. My mother might still love Jules despite all that, she did help me stay sober the first time.

“Mom I’m not ready to talk to her yet. I will just not yet”

“Baby just remember, don’t push away the ones who love you the most” she said as she got up and left.

Could I even look Jules in the face? We haven’t spoken since the play and that was more than 3 months now. It hasn’t stopped her from texting me though. She would constantly text me. Telling me good morning, asking me what I am doing for the day, the constant I love you’s, the goodnights and even some random pictures of herself. I remember a time where I could never get enough of her, I never wanted to be away from her but now I constantly try to avoid her.

Bing

I look down at my phone. McKay has started a group chat with Maddy, Kat, BB, Rue, Jules, Cassie, and Lexi

McKay: Whatup!!
Maddy: Your alive?
Kat: seriously Maddy?
Maddy: 🙃
McKay: Alive and chillen. What are you guys doing on Saturday?
BB: IDK, chillen with you!!
McKay: I am throwing a partying and inviting everyone. So are you down?
Kat: Yes!
Maddy: count me in
BB: duh
McKay: Rue? Jules? Cassie? Lexi?
Maddy: why are you inviting your ex?
McKay: cuz I want to
Lexi: Hi McKay, how are you?
McKay: little Howard!! Are you coming?
Lexi: Rue are you going?
Rue: sure, why not?
Maddy: Not gonna get high right RueRue
Rue: I’ve been clean for 5 months girl
Kat: Wait seriously? Like no weed either, right?
Rue: Nope, nothing at all. Just meds for everything wrong with me, that is prescribed
Maddy: I’m so proud of you RueRue
McKay: Oh, shit Bennett congrats
Rue: 😎
McKay: Jules and Cassie, still waiting on ya’ll
Jules: I’ll be there
Cassie: yeah
Maddy: 😒
Kat: STOP!!
McKay: Am I missing something?
Lexi: You have no idea
Ugh! Great now avoiding Jules will be even more difficult than usual. Hopefully nothing goes bad and hopefully the attention will be on someone else for once.

Bing

Jules 👅💜: Hey Rue, I know you’re not going to respond but I just wanted to say how proud I am of you. 5 months!! I love you so much and hope we can get back to what we were. I hate that we haven’t talked in forever and I miss you so so much. Dad keeps asking about you and I don’t know what to say.

I hate to admit it, but I still feel giddy when Jules texts me. She was the first person I have ever loved… love but there is so much hurt that we must go through. For right now, every time I see her, I think of when she could have slept with Elliot. I know I have no right to judge her since I was high as a kite and numb but it’s hard to think that at some point, she loved me less and decided to feel that love from Elliot. I forgave that asshole thinking all he did was rat me out to my mom and Jules but clearly, he didn’t know how to control his dick. Funny, he always told us that just because we are attractive doesn’t mean he’s going to be swinging his dick around. I guess drugs just make us better liars.

Jules’ POV

It’s been 5 months since I last spoke to Rue and even longer since she told me I was dead to her. It broke my heart that in trying to help her, I lose her. But nothing was worse than the moment when she asked Elliot why he ratted her out. I couldn’t look at either of them but whatever Rue saw told her her answer. She looked at me with so much hatred and in that moment I knew. I knew that she realized something more happened between us and she was just scary. Her eyes held no emotion as she said I was dead to her and that we were done. I know I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life, but Rue was never one of them. Sleeping with Elliot was a mistake that I will forever regret. I felt that I was losing Rue’s love and looked for it in the one person who put those doubts in my head.

Elliot made it so easy to question Rue and her love for me, that I just fell for it. I knew he liked Rue, but I didn’t think he would ruin us. My biggest mistake was sleeping with him and allowing him to love me like I wanted Rue to do. I always wanted to go further in my relationship with Rue but with her being all drugged up it never went that way. The only time was in her backyard in which she made me cum. I have never had an orgasm like that before, I don’t even member the last time I could say it happened. The second time would be when I went down on her for almost 30 minutes before she faked her orgasm. At that moment I doubted her love for me and ran to the devil himself for help. Elliot tried to reassure me but in the same breath left doubts about our relationship. I have to fix us.

Laying in my bed I started scrolling through Rue’s Instagram. It has become some type of coping mechanism for me. I have tried to memorize every detail of her face. The way she would scrunch up her nose when she tried not to laugh.

Ugh. Why can’t I fix this, fix us? I touch my lips remembering our tattoo together. RULES. We can fix it.

A banging on my door, takes me out of my thoughts. “Jules, hunny, time for lunch”

I get up quickly from my bed. “Coming dad”. I wipe away the tears that I didn’t even know were there. Going to pretend that everything is ok, I don’t need my dad to worry. Dr. Weedman did say healing takes time. I will continue to be there for Rue until she can forgive me. I’ll take anything, even friendship at this point.

Chapter Text

Rue’s POV

(Phone dings)

Lexi: Hey Rue let me know when you’re on the way over from therapy!! 😊

I smiled; I don’t deserve a friend like Lexi. She stuck around and dealt with everything I put everyone through. I have been the worst possible best friend and she never left my side. Even at my lowest when everyone pulled back, she held on harder.

“Rue, Dr. Jameson is ready to see you,” the receptionist told me.

Here goes nothing, I guess.

I step into her office and was greeted by warmth and just a feeling of ease. It might be easy to deal with this. I have been relying so heavily on drugs and destroying everything around me. I take a deep breath and make it over to the couch.

“Hi Rue, how are you”

“Um… I don’t know, could be better I guess”

“What do you mean Rue?” I look over at her and just see her waiting patiently. She never pressures me to talk more than I want to. She just waits until I am able to talk freely. In a weird way, it just calms my anxiety even more. I promised my mom that I would keep up with our weekly sessions. This is another step in getting better.

“Surprisingly still sober and dealing with my feelings”

“What is surprising about that?”

“I always thought I wouldn’t get to see myself living past high school and now I’m thinking of a future for myself”

“It’s good to think about those things, to always want more. What is it that you want Rue?”

“I don’t know, to be something, someone. Someone who doesn’t hurt their mother or sister. Someone who has people that are proud of her and the choices that she’s made”

“I feel that you can still be that person”

“Sometimes I feel like I can but then a voice in my head tells me that I can’t. That I can’t be that person not when I’ve destroyed everything around me. I hate feeling this way and if I’m bipolar I rather deal with the mania instead of the depression part”

“Depression isn’t an easy thing to deal with and adding anxiety and OCD can be a hard thing to deal with”

“It is and the absolute worst part of depression is that even though I know I’m depressed; I can’t stop myself from getting worse. Don’t get me wrong doc I am trying but sometimes it gets too hard, yuh know?”

“Are you still taking your medications, Rue?”

“Yeah, I am but sometimes it doesn’t work and make me feel better and I just have a couple of wires crossed”

“Do you have a support system to help you when you feel like this?”

“I have my mom, Gia, Ali, and Lexi. They have helped me so much through all of this. My mom has seen me at my worst and has still showed me, love. I am hard to love, and I can see that sometimes in her eyes…that she just wants this to end. I don’t know if it’s my brain just coming with this or if it’s actually true”.

“I think your mother does love you. She wouldn’t be helping you stay sober if she didn’t”

“That’s true” I murmured.
“Rue everyone wants to see you win and become whomever it is that you want to be”.

“I guess you got a point there doc”

Before I can say anything else, her clock dinged ending our session. If someone told me I would be going to therapy of my own free will, I would have told them that I wanted whatever they were smoking. Now though I feel that this is a battle that I can eventually win. I just hope it would become easier. Ugh, baby steps Rue. You don’t want to run before you can walk. I thank Dr. Jameson for the session and promise to come back again next week. Walking out of her office and into the California heat felt nice. Being high all the time, I never really took the time to appreciate how calm mother nature could be.

Taking out my phone I quickly texted Lexi letting her know that I am on my way over and start walking. The walk took longer without my bike, but I know that it’s ok. I am able to take in my surroundings and process my session today. I relied on my bike as much as I had relied on drugs. For a moment I would feel invincible, and I would feel free. But being grounded and relying on my own legs to push me through, makes me feel that I’m slowly growing.

~~~~~~~~~

“Bitch are you listening?” Kat yelled at Jules.

“Huh, what? Sorry” Jules looked at her. Her mind has been on Rue. Being able to see her and hopefully being able to talk to her again.

“Girl what’s going on with you, you didn’t hear nothing I just said”

“Sorry Kat, my mind is elsewhere right now”

“Is it with a certain curly-haired girl?” Jules never understood how Kat could just read her thoughts without her ever having to say anything.

“Maybe” Jules said quietly.

“Have you guys talked since Lexi’s play?”

Jules just looked down at her feet “No. I’ve texted her like a dozen times a day since and she’s never responded back to me. I feel like some weird, desperate puppy trying to get her attention. I haven’t heard not one peep from her. I don’t know if she is even reading them yuh know”

“Girl, why are you even still trying?”

“Cause Rue is worth it. She was the first person to ever see the real me. The me under all the layers of not me and love me. I fell completely in love with her Kat, and I fucked it up so bad, that I understand why she won’t talk to me. I fucked up so bad and now she hates me”

“Hey hey it’s going to be ok,” Kat said as she wiped away the tears that Jules didn’t even know she had. Jules felt completely crazy to be balling her eyes out in the middle of the shopping mall.

“How? Rue won’t respond to any of my texts or calls” She felt underly defeated and lost. Jules has fallen in love before with every guy she’s met and even Anna but none of them ever hurt her like this. Not like Rue. That day at the play, where Jules pushed down her anxiety and made her way to Rue to talk and was left in limbo, broke her. She felt that she had not only lost her girlfriend but her best friend and that is what truly hurt her more than her body being used and left. She let Rue into the fabric of her being and she walked away.

“Maybe she just needs time to like yuh know to work on herself” comforted Kat.

“What if she moves on and I become nothing to her anymore. Before I felt suffocated thinking, I was the only thing keeping her from relapsing but Kat you didn’t see Rue. She chose herself like I am proud of her, but I never thought that I wouldn’t get to be there for her”

“I get it, but you have to give her time, you did like fuck her friend”

Jules just looked over at Kat, not understanding why she had to bring that up. She just wishes she could take that all back and maybe just maybe she and Rue wouldn’t be in this situation. She squared her shoulders, looked at Kat, and huffed “fuck you”.

“Sorry but it’s true. That’s a lot to deal with on top of trying to stay sober”

“Don’t you have a traumatic brain injury you need to deal with Kat?”

Kat just smiled at Jules and grabbed her hand, “Shut up bitch, let’s find you an outfit that not even Bennett could ignore”.

“See now you’re talking, let’s go”. Jules didn’t want to lose faith that she and Rue can come back from this. It’ll take time but she’s willing to work for Rue. She was always worth it.

~~~~~~~~

“So how did it go?”

Rue looked over at Lexi from her position on the floor. “It was ok. She helps me a lot and is making this a lot easier to deal with”

Lexi smiled over at her friend. She was happy that for the first time ever, her friend was trying to stay sober. Rue was smiling more and just genuinely happy and present. She hates that a part of her thought that her friend would never be able to function without the drugs and try to live. She still keeps thinking of when Rue came over last and they were able to comfort each other through the loss of their dads. Lexi always viewed Rue as her best friend and having her there to comfort her was the best thing Lexi could ever ask for.

“I’m glad you’re sticking through this. You don’t understand how proud I am of you Rue”.

“Shut up” Rue blushed.

“No seriously Rue, your so strong. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re my best friend and I just want you to be happy”.

“Thanks, Lex… so how are you? Have you like… talked to Fez?”

“Um a little bit but not much. You know just dealing with this crazy situation”. Rue felt bad looking at her friend just crushed. She was shocked when she found out how close Lexi was to Fez. She never knew that they were talking and hanging out daily. Rue felt that she missed a lot during her higher than a kite episode. She realized how bad of a friend she was to not have ever known. She had come over one day and just saw Lexi crying on her bed. She was shocked to find out that Lexi had a thing for Fez and that she was heartbroken. Not just for herself but for Fez. How he was sitting in a jail cell while his brother Ash was handcuffed to a hospital bed in a coma. Not knowing if Ash will ever wake up.

“Have you talked to him recently Rue?”

“Yea… he’s um hanging in there... but... um good news”

Lexi just looked over at Rue, “What is it”

“He’s supposed to be out on bail by August… I think”

“What!! Are you serious?” Lexi said as she got up from the bed. She sat down right next to Rue and looked at her, just waiting.

“Yea, they don’t have much on him since there were no drugs. They heard on the phone that Ash killed Custer and Ash killed the cop. They are only trying him for the guns but are letting him out. Fez said the first thing he was going to do was going to see Ash and then” Rue looked at Lexi “come see you”.

Lexi didn’t know how to feel. She was upset that Fez never came to her play, but she was heartbroken when she found out from Rue why he couldn’t make it. She felt her world fall apart that she may never get to see Fez. The only person that took the time to learn every little thing about her and not judge her.

“Did he really say that?”

“Yea he did, are you excited?”

“Yea” blushed Lexi.

Lexi thought for a moment deciding if she should even bring this up. She doesn’t know what Rue would say and she doesn’t want to upset her. After debating she decided to just ask. “So… have you talked to Jules?”

Rue didn’t look at Lexi. She didn’t know how to feel. She hated where she and Jules were but before she can even try to see if they can work out, she has to get better. “No, I haven’t”

“Are you guys like done for good?”

Rue thought over everything and realized that she doesn’t have a real answer to that. She doesn’t know what will happen in the future but for now, she has to focus on herself. She still imagines her and Jules in New York living together but right now it’s just a dream.

Lexi realizes that Rue isn’t going to answer her question, so she let it go for now. She decided to change the topic to something else to make her happy. “Want to watch Love Island?”

“Fuck yes!!”

~~~~~~~

When Rue left Lexi’s house it was almost midnight. She texted her mom letting her know she was at Lexi’s and will be home later. She wanted to give her mom peace of mind and let her know she was ok. It still feels strange to her that she’s trying to communicate better. One step at a time. By the time she walked in both her mom and Gia were in bed and the house was dark except for the kitchen light that her mom left on for her. She locks the door and makes it quietly to her room. She takes off her shoes and lays in bed and starts scrolling through Instagram. Looking at anything to keep her mind at ease. Somehow in the process, she ends up on Jules’ page. Jules hasn’t posted anything new since a couple of months before she broke up with her. She sees that Jules still kept pictures of them on her page. Rue really misses her and what they had but what they had was toxic and beautifully destructive. Half of the pictures of them, she couldn’t even recall the events that led to them. The drugs made her feel amazing but caused her to miss out on a lot of her relationship. What if without the drugs they would have never had what they had, that thought left Rue questioning if Jules ever actually loved her or if she just imagined it that way.

While deep in her thoughts, a message notification popped up on her screen. It was from Jules.

Jules 👅💜: Hey I know it’s late, but I couldn’t go to sleep without talking to you. I guess talking to myself since you never respond. I guess doing this brings me some kind of comfort that everything that happened didn’t actually happen. I know I’m being stupid and I’m just acting crazy. I went out shopping with Kat today and just like every day my mind was on you. Rue, I am so sorry, there’s nothing I regret more than hurting you. I hope that one day I would finally get a response from you. I just want to know that you’re getting my messages. I’m sorry to keep rambling, I should just go to bed now. I love and miss you, Rue. Goodnight.

Rue smiled. In some weird way, she loved that Jules still texts her even though she has never responded. She wanted to but in doing so they would have to talk about everything. Including fucking Elliot. She just wanted to forget that Jules ever slept with him. She wasn’t ready for that yet. Rue decided that maybe just letting her know she’s still there will give her some comfort. She took a deep breath and texted Jules back.

Rue: Goodnight Jules.

Chapter Text

Jules Pov

Rue 💍💜: Goodnight Jules

OMG!!! I didn’t think she would ever respond back. It’s been months with no response from Rue to the point I thought she had moved on. There’s hope, we can fix this, right? Ugh, I don’t know if I should respond back to her or go to sleep. Would she even respond back if I sent her another message, or should I just be happy that she even responded? It’s a lot more than I could even ask for. I guess I could just keep it simple and not really pry into her life. I haven’t earned the right to do that. Maybe if I do and she just tells me to stop texting her. I don’t think I can deal with that. Ok, Jules deep breaths and just text her back. She has to know you care about her, hell you’ve been texting her nonstop for months now. Don’t fuck it up. Ok, here goes nothing.

Jules: Goodnight, Rue 💜

Ok come on, please respond back Rue. I look at the clock on my phone, 2 minutes have passed. I’m being really desperate right now, just counting down the minutes waiting for her response. It hasn’t even been that long, but it feels like a lifetime. Then 2 minutes become 5 and my chest starts to constrict, did I just fuck this up? I should have left it how it was. I should have just been happy with her response. It isn’t easy for Rue to open up. I remember when she first showed me, she liked me by kissing me in my room and then running away. She didn’t talk to me until the carnival or even that time she came to my house during Christmas. I had just come back from the city. Well, I didn’t come back, more so my dad came and grabbed me from Anna and TC’s. Rue still came over, even though I was the one to leave and she refused to talk to me after she abruptly left. We didn’t talk until the New Years' party. I have to be patient.

I decided to just lay my head down and try to get some sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, I heard a ding on my phone. I have never moved so fast to try and grab my phone. It was Rue. It was simple but so Rue.

Rue 💍💜: 😴💜

I’ll take that. She’s responded twice already, more than I thought she would. This gives me hope that we work out our problems. I just have to go slow and let Rue lead. I have to be patient with her. I have to be patient with us.

`````

Jules spent the rest of the week trying to be patient. She thought that after their brief conversation, she and Rue may have been in a better place but no such luck. Since that day Rue hasn’t really responded to her messages or answer her calls. The only real improvement was that Rue had turned on her read receipts so Jules can see that she is reading them. Even though they are moving slowly, she’ll take what she can get.

Jules was so deep in thought as she makes it towards the bathroom, that she doesn’t see another person walking out. She collided hard with someone and felt herself tripping back but before she could feel the cold hard ground beneath her, warm hands wrap around her.

Still in shock and looking at the ground, she mutters “thanks”.

“Are you ok Jules?”

She knows that voice, she has been wishing for months to hear it. She looks up and comes face to face with Rue. She studies every inch of Rue’s face. Clean, empty of blemishes, vibrant, and still Rue. Her face no longer looked tired with dark circles and vacant eyes that were miles away. No, now they had life, they were beautiful and mysterious. They pulled Jules in, and she was more than okay with that. It felt like time had stood still and they were the only two people there.

Jules was too focused on Rue to realize that her name was being called at first. She was paralyzed until she felt her fingers making small circles on either side of her waist. It was hot and took her right back to reality.

“Jules?”

Jules shakes her head and responds “huh, yeah?”

“Are you okay, you kinda like spaced out”

Jules blushes “Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry for running into you, I wasn’t paying attention”

“It’s okay, are you sure you’re, okay?”

“Yeah, perfectly okay”. She said as she looks at Rue. She looks amazing, her hair in a messy bun, crop top with an open button-up short-sleeve shirt, and black loose shorts. What surprises her is the lack of the red oversized sweater. She always has it, like some sort of comfort blanket. She doesn’t realize that they are still close together and Rue’s hands were still on her waist until Lexi came over.

Lexi smiled at Jules until her gaze traveled down to her waist. Rue follows Lexi’s eyes and quickly removes her hand and puts them in her pocket, rocking on her heels back and forth. Jules just stood there slightly upset, missing Rue’s warm hands. Jules grounded her emotions and forced a smile toward Lexi.

“Hi, Jules” and she looked over to Rue “Um… you ready to go?”

“Yeah, let’s go,” she said quickly as she rushes past Jules making her way to Lexi. Rue looked from Lexi to Jules “see you around” she quietly said before turning and walking away with Lexi.

Jules heard a whispered “what was that” before they were completely out of view. Jules did not know how to feel. She was finally in Rue’s arms and Lexi fucking Howard had to come and burst their bubble. Jules shakes her head as she made it into the bathroom.

`````

The rest of Rue’s Day went uneventful since literally bumping into Jules as she left the bathroom. She never expected to see her or even touch her for that matter, but she doesn’t regret it. Feeling Jules’ bare mid-drift felt like warm silk and Rue wished she never let her go. As she laid back on Lexi’s bed staring at the ceiling, she could not keep her mind from replaying what happened earlier. Rue wished she didn’t get nervous and practically run away from Jules. It’s not easy for her to share how she feels without dying inside. The drugs were able to relax her and give her the feeling of euphoria. Without the drugs, she doubts she would have ever introduced herself to Jules and gotten on her bike to go to her house. She was a stranger, but it was an instant connection and the drugs had helped quiet the noise that would be her anxiety.

“Earth to Rue” Lexi said while shaking Rue. Rue looked over and saw a look of panic in Lexi’s eyes.

“Oh sorry, what did you say”

“I was asking if you were going to talk to Jules tomorrow night at the party”

Rue looked back towards the ceiling counting how many times the fan goes around. After counting several times and losing count twice, she turned back to Lexi.

“I don’t know Lex” Rue whispered. She was afraid to put herself out there again to Jules. She was afraid to trust and lay everything out on the table. She was dreading seeing Jules, not because she didn’t want to see her but because she didn’t know if she was ready to talk.

“Rue maybe you guys just need to talk or yell it out”

“It… it’s not that easy”

“What are you afraid of? Jules has already told you she messed up”

Rue sat up on the bed and looked at Lexi. She didn’t understand why Lexi is trying to stand up for Jules and make it seem as though what she did was a harmless mistake.

“Lex, she did more than messed up, she fucked Elliot and pushed me away”

“No Rue, you did that. You did that to everyone, but Jules is still there. She’s still there waiting for you. Even seeing you guys together, I could see it. You guys are still in love”.

Rue didn’t want to focus on Lexi anymore. The conversation causes her heart to speed up letting her know she’s slowly losing control of her body. Rue felt as though the room was collapsing around her. Her hands clenching hard at her sides, eyes closed hoping she can regain her control. She tries to concentrate on picturing her mom and Gia’s face, taking slow deep breaths. She pictures their laughs during dinner with Ali. How everyone was happy and making jokes. The comfort in that memory slowly allows her to unclench her fingers and move her body. She finally opens her eyes and focuses them on Lexi. “I don’t know how to love” she whispers.

At that moment Lexi realizes how broken and alone Rue felt. Even though she wasn’t alone her mind still caused her to believe that. Her heart broke for her friend. She rushes toward Rue and hugs her. “Rue, loving someone is as easy as breathing. You just have to decide who’s worth it. You have to decide if you want Jules in your life or not”. Rue didn’t respond back; she just hugged her friend back.

After a moment or two, Lexi’s phone rings. She pulls away from Rue and looks at the screen. She was surprised to see Maddy’s name. she raises her index finger to Rue, signaling for her to give her a moment.

Rue sat on the bed and watches Lexi walk back and forth from one end of her room to the other. Saying quiet “Mhm” whenever needed. She didn’t look too excited during the call but before Rue can analyze her further, Lexi hangs up and turns back to Rue.

“So that was Maddy”

“What did she want?” Rue asked surprised. She still talks to Maddy but after the whole Cassie and Nate situation, Maddy has been distant. She was one of the first couple of people she went to apologize to. Maddy told her that she was thankful she told her, and they had made plans to hang out, even though they haven’t yet.

“She wants us to go get ready at BB’s with her. Kat is going to be at Jules’ house, and she wants us to help her with her outfit”

“But um Lexi neither one of us knows fashion. Why didn’t she call Jules?”

“Rue I think she just wants her friends there with her. After the play she and Cass haven’t talked”.

For the first time, Rue looks toward Cassie’s bed. Usually, her bed would have clothes all over it but lately, her bed looks as though no one has slept on it. Rue looks at Lexi and calmly asks “Where’s Cas?”.

“Um… she hasn’t been here unless it’s to grab clothes. She’s been staying at Nate’s. I guess they are back together”.

“Wait what the fuck! Why would she go back to that asshole?” Rue asked shocked.

“I don’t know Cas just wanted to be loved or whatever else she said to justify her actions”.

“Um… Lex, do you think Cas is going to bring Nate?”

“I hope not”.

`````

On the other side of town, the girl in question, Cassie was laying on a dingy motel bed with the strong hands of Nate Jacobs pinning her to his chest. Cassie never felt so alone, even when it was Maddy in her position, she still had her friends. She hates that Maddy was able to finally able to walk away, while she stayed stuck in this endless cycle. She knows it’s her fault, she had fucked Nate in Virgil’s bathroom. She crossed that line and she understood why all her friends left her, but it still sucked. For a while, she blamed Rue for all her problems but even in her drugged-out state Rue was ruthless even if no one wanted to hear it. She wished she could take it all back but then she still would have been alone. It’s better to feel alone and have strong arms around instead of in bed by yourself. But she couldn’t shake Maddy’s words from her head “it’s only the beginning”. She thought Nate and her were over, but I guess every other week they are. She has tried for months to be the image of a perfect girl, but it keeps changing. At first, she thought he was dressing her like Maddy but now it’s short schoolgirl skirts and edgy makeup.

Cassie tries to keep her thoughts to herself. She closes her eyes and prays that there won’t be too much drama at McKay’s tomorrow, but with Nate no one really knows.

Chapter Text

On the verge of waking up, Jules feels warm kisses on her neck. They were soft, barely ghosting, slow, teasing, and deliberate. They felt too good to be true. Yet she feels a callous hand journey down from her collarbone, past her breast, slowly down to her waist. Just as teasing as the kisses were. Jules slowly opens her eyes and turns toward her assailant. She is shocked to see the one person she’s wanted more than ever to wake up next to.

Rue...

Her hair was illuminated by the sun. Golden brown halo of messy curls that Jules just wants to run her hands through. Deep brown eyes that she felt could peer into her soul and soft pink full lips that she wanted nothing more than to kiss. Jules doesn’t remember how Rue ended up here but couldn’t say she was upset about it.

Rue gives her a devilish smirk and leans forward and whispers in the shell of her ear “Do you want me to stop Jules” before nipping at the lobe. Jules can feel her warm breath and every part of her body is wakened. She feels Rue’s rough fingers running slowly against the top of her underwear. Jules wants this, she wants to see how far Rue would go. She looks at her and whispers “No, Rue”.

Rue smiles and continues with her teasing while she lays there enjoying every moment of it hoping Rue would just push past her underwear. Rue is right there, all she needed to do was push past the unknown barrier that was there. Jules felt restless, she wanted more and before she could catch herself, she whispers “Please, Rue. I want this”.

She looks at her pleading for more, but all Rue does is stop. Jules no longer feels Rue on her. All she feels is her body shaking and she looks towards the ceiling and then back toward Rue. She sees no one.

“Bitch wake up!”. Jules’ eyes started to get blinded by the light growing more and more into the room until it was gone. She looks up and comes face to face with Kat.

Fuck it was too good to be true she thought. Hating herself for her wet dream and the uncomfortable feeling straining against her underwear. Fuck me she thought.

“Earth to Jules”

Jules shakes her head and pulls the covers up to her neck and looks at Kat “What time is it?”

“It’s two in the afternoon”

Jules picks up her phone and her phone screen shows what Kat was saying. It is 2 pm and here she was hiding her arousal underneath the covers. She puts her phone down and looks back up at Kat and yawns “how long have you been here?”

“Long enough to hear you moaning Rue’s name” Kat smiled suggestively. Jules feels her face getting hotter and she grabs the pillow and covers her face with it. Great just great she thought. She didn’t need Kat knowing how desperate she is and having wet dreams about her ex-girlfriend. “Jules, I get it, you’re horny for daddy Rue” Kat laughs grabbing at the pillow.

Jules looks at Kat confused, waiting on her to elaborate. Kat shakes her head and walks over to her couch. She sits down and looks back at Jules and smiles. “It’s not the first time you’ve dreamt about Rue. You said it before when I was sleeping over”. Jules looks over at her horrified.

“You kept going on and on about ‘yes daddy’ and ‘fuck Rue’ and ‘yes fuck me, Rue!” Kat moaned as she grinded her ass into the couch laughing. Jules does the only thing she could at the moment. She grabbed a pillow and chucked it at Kat and grunted “Fuck you”.  

“You don’t want to fuck me, you want to fuck Rue,” she said continuing to laugh at Jules.

“Ugh, why are you here Kat?”

“Let’s go eat and then start to get ready for the party”. Shit, it’s Saturday Jules thought. She waits a second making sure any proof of her arousal is gone before pulling back the covers and telling Kat “Let’s get this shit started”.

Kat smiles and gets up making her way to Jules’ door before turning around and moans “Yes, for Daddy Rue!”. Jules grabs another pillow and throws it at the closing door. She huffs and flings herself on the bed, hoping that the day would only get better.

~~~~~

“Ugh, I have nothing to wear!” yelled Maddy from BB’s closet.

Rue, Lexi, and BB just laid in bed looking at Maddy looking at herself in the mirror, flinging clothes to the side. Rue didn’t understand why girls have to be so complicated and get brain aneurysms trying to look good. They have been laying on BB’s bed for hours looking at Maddy deciding what to wear. She doesn’t want to tell Maddy that she looks good in whatever she wears, she fears her wrath when she gets like this. Rue never focused much on how she looked but to be fair most of the time she was higher than the clouds.

She came in dressed in shorts, a cropped top, a jacket, and her trusty chucks while Lexi came in a below the knees short sleeve dress and sneakers. Rue thought they looked fine, but Maddy refused to go out with them dressed like that. She wanted to dress comfortably and now she realizes why she doesn’t get ready with Maddy. Without Cassie, Maddy has made these girls her best friends. Constantly checking on them and planning movie dates and shopping trips. Rue cringes when she thinks about the shopping trip where Maddy had gotten her into a tight dress. Safe to say Rue felt completely uncomfortable and refused to leave the dressing room. She’s just hoping that whatever Maddy picked wouldn’t be a dress.

“Come on Maddy, you look fucking amazing” BB whined before taking a puff of her vape. As she blew out the smoke, she passes it over to Rue. Since giving up on drugs this is the only vice Rue has. She inhales as she looks at Lexi who looked as uncomfortable as she did.

“What do you guys think?” Maddy said as she came out of the closet in a low cut, high slit dark purple spaghetti strapped dress. Rue thought that she left nothing for the imagination but that’s Maddy, you get what you get.

“You look like a million bucks” BB said, while Rue and Lexi shook their heads in agreement. The comment made Maddy happy and ready for the night. She turned to Rue “your next bitch”. Rue grunted and wished that she could be anywhere else but here.

~~~~

*Loud music*

Cause you know the timing I'm on

I want she and she and she

And they love them some me

I can't even speak to all of 'em

So I call her on the FaceTime

She gon' pick up on the first ring, uh

Oo, I got her wrapped around my damn finger

I will never tell a soul, oh, no, no

Mmm, girl, we grown

Both Kat and Jules were moving to the song. McKay always has some of the best parties. At least this time she won’t be cutting her arm to escape Nate, Jules thought. The base seemed to be drowned out by her beating heart. She was nervous to be waiting on Rue to arrive. She stood by Kat in the kitchen watching bodies everywhere, grinding and keeping to the beat of the music. To Jules, it felt like everyone was fucking and just making her more nervous.

 She was deep in thought when Kat grabbed her arm. “Bitch, look at fucking Rue”. Jules looked everywhere trying to find the curly head girl but didn’t spot her anywhere. She looked over to Kat who was holding her phone up for her to see. On her phone were videos on Maddy’s Instagram post more importantly a video of Rue. Jules grabs Kat’s phone and inspects the video, it was taken an hour ago. It was just a simple looped video of Rue’s face and Jules couldn’t look away. Rue’s hair was wet and curly, she had some sort of golden eyeshadow and subtle pink lip gloss on. In the loop, Rue is looking at the camera and as she looks away and pulls her hair out of her face, Jules catches her blue nail polish and wonders when Rue has ever painted her nails.

Before she can ask Kat, she is nudged again. She looks up from the phone and sees Kat pointing to the dance floor. She follows where she’s pointing and sees Maddy and BB making their way toward them. As they get closer, she sees Lexi and Rue trailing behind them. Maddy moves out the way and gives Jules a chance to glance at Rue. Her heart stops, Rue looks better in person. Her hair is out in tamed curls, and she looks beautiful. Jules glances down Rue’s body and is surprised at what she sees. Rue is wearing a short sleeve black bottom-up that has several buttons left open allowing Jules to see her chest. Her eyes move down lower to see her in fitted black jeans and her black chucks. She looks different but definitely the epitome of the Daddy Rue in her head Jules thought.

Jules tries to calm her racing heart as the girls make it over to her and Kat. Maddy and BB are the first to greet them followed by Lexi. She sees Rue hug, Kat, before she turns to her. She didn’t know how to say hi to Rue. How do you say hi to the person you want to be with but lost? They stare at each other awkwardly before Rue smiles at her and says, “What’s up?”.

“Um… nothing. You?”

Rue thinks for a second before responding “you know… living in the moment”.

Jules looks at Rue and realizes she has nothing to say. They just stand there standing at each other before Maddy grabs their attention. “Let’s take a shot!”.

Jules looks down at her cup and realizes that another one might give her the courage she needs to talk to Rue. She sees Lexi grab two sodas and hand one to Rue. She’s happy to see Rue staying completely sober even if she doesn’t really get to enjoy it.

After four more shots Jules sees Kat and BB dancing with two football players while Maddy was trying to get Lexi to dance with her. She could see how awkward Lexi felt but she was trying. She looked over to Rue whose staring at the crowd. She takes a deep breath before grabbing Rue’s hand and trying to bring her to the dance floor. Come on liquid courage she said to herself.

“Come on Rue, just one dance” she tried to sound as sober as she can. Rue looked like she was going to say no but then quickly shook her head and allowed Jules to bring her to the dance floor. Jules was beyond excited that she could at least have one dance with her. She brought them to an empty wall and had Rue on the wall before she could change her mind. She placed her back on Rue and tried to get into the rhythm of the song. She was thankful that the music allowed her to be this close to Rue. She closes her eyes and starts to sway to the song when she felt Rue’s hands on her waist. She smiled to herself and continued to move.

Girl, I wanna, wanna know what it feel like

What it feel like

Make I know as e bе for real life

For real lifе

Inna my condo

Lovin' up your body, in fast and slow mo

If I hit you with my combo

Girl, you will never ever let me go, hold on to me, oh no-oh

Kiss me through the cellular, kiss me through the phone

Can't you see I'm into ya? Can't you see I'm in love?

Kiss me through the cellular, kiss me through the phone

You're messin' with my medulla, highkey, I don kolo, oh no, no

They continued to dance closely until the song ended. She wished they could dance longer but she could already feel Rue pushing her away. Lord, I need another drink she thought as she followed Rue back to the group.

One more shot and I’ll ask her to go talk Jules thought. She eagerly took the drink from Kat and gulped it down. She took a deep breath and made it over to where Lexi and Rue were talking quietly. Lexi was the first to notice her and said something to Rue that her turn around. When Jules was in front of both of them, she turned to Rue.

“Can I talk to you?” she asked nervously,

Rue looks toward Lexi who shakes her head for Rue to go. She turns back to Jules and points for her to lead.

~~~~

Maddy looks towards the other girls and said “Finally, they were basically fucking on the wall”. They all shook their heads in agreement. All hoping that they either leave each other alone or work it out.

“Well shit, look Maddy. The bitch and her puppy are here” she heard BB exclaim.

She looks towards the dance floor and sees Cassie and the devil himself Nate making their way towards the kitchen, not realizing that the girls were there. They weren’t paying attention to anyone and from what Maddy could see, Cassie had her down. She didn’t think that Cassie had the guts to show up since what happened at the play. They haven’t spoken since Maddy’s last words in the bathroom.

As Cassie finally looks up when they are in the kitchen and comes face to face with Maddy. Before Maddy could say anything, BB beat her to it. “Look at what the skank brought in”.

Maddy laughed in agreement “Yea he brought his cunt”. Maddy didn’t want to ruin the night with any drama but seeing Cassie on Nate’s arm just had her blood boiling. She was beyond hurt and the fact that Cassie hasn’t said anything to her, not even to apologize but had the gulls to show up to her ex-boyfriend’s party with her leftover was the breaking point. Before she could even think about her actions, she grabbed Kat’s drink and threw it in Cassie’s face.

“You looked thirsty” she yelled.

~~~~

*Moments before*

Jules and Rue made their way toward an empty bedroom. They both sat on the bed and look at each other quietly for a moment. Jules didn’t know where to begin. How do you apologize for cheating?

She takes a deep breath “you look really good” spilled out of her mouth before she could stop herself. That is not what you needed to say she thought to herself.

Rue gave her a small smile before saying a quiet thanks. They sat in silence again before Rue stated the obvious. “What do you need to talk to me about Jules?”

At that moment Jules decided to just let her feelings out. She felt that it would be better to just lay her cards out and let Rue decide what where they go from here.

“I’m so so sorry Rue. I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

Rue cuts her off “Bullshit, why did you do this?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t feel love from you. At the time that’s what I felt, I didn’t know you and Elliot were getting high together. I felt that you were pushing me away and didn’t love me. I get it my choices weren’t that great, but I promise you Rue it only happened once. Everything became a game of truth and dare, and I wanted to get closer to you, but I felt that you just wanted it with Elliot. I regret that day every day and you will never understand how sorry I am” Jules says as she starts to cry. She looks toward Rue who’s sitting there waiting for her to continue.

“I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I don’t want to lose you. Please Rue tell me we cam fix this”

“I don’t know” Rue whispered.

“Please, I thought about telling you if we can be friends again, but I don’t want that. I don’t want to see you with some other girl or person. I want it to be us again”.

“What do you want me to say Jules?”

Jules rushes over to Rue and grabs her hands as she gets on her knees. “I want you to say that we can try again”.

“Do you think it’ll be easy to forget that Elliot fucked you before I could?”

“Rue we can do therapy, we can try, I don’t know anything please. I wouldn’t be begging if I didn’t think we could get past this”.

Before Rue could even respond. They hear the music cut off and yelling. They stare at each other before they heard Maddy screaming “Fuck you, Cassie”. Their eyes go wide, and Rue looks at Jules and silently lets her know they’ll talk later. Rue helps Jules to her feet as they rush towards the noise.

Chapter Text

*McKay’s Party*

As Rue and Jules raced back down to the kitchen, they start to hear the commotion louder and louder. They didn’t know what was going on, but they wanted to make sure their friends were okay. When they rounded the corner to the kitchen, they saw Kat trying desperately to remove Maddy from Cassie’s torso. Rue was frozen in her spot, watching Maddy’s fist connect with Cassie’s face over and over again. Cassie was no longer fighting back but instead tried desperately to protect her face. Rue didn’t know what to do and looked over to Jules for guidance but just like her Jules was frozen in her spot, but Jules wasn’t looking at Maddy and Cassie. Jules was staring straight at Nate. Rue follows Jules’ line of sight and is shocked to see Nate standing there doing nothing, just watching the girls with an amused smirk. He was finding some sort of enjoyment in watching Maddy physically beat Cassie. He was a disgusting human being; he knew what would happen if they came and he enjoyed the aftermath of the damage he caused the former best friends.

As Kat was struggling to pull Maddy away, McKay showed up. He didn’t understand why the girls were fighting, they were best friends. He grabs Maddy by the waist and pulls her away struggling as she’s screaming “You fucking cunt” and “puta”. He had no clue what happened, but he was going to find out. He pushed Maddy to the opposite side of the kitchen trying to calm her down.

“Maddy what's going on?” he asked holding her back from trying to strike Cassie.

“This puta didn’t tell you?” she screamed. McKay looked toward Cassie who whispered, “Please don’t Mads”. He was beyond confused about why these girls were no longer friends. He turns back to Maddy.

“Tell me what Maddy?”.

Maddy looked at him trying to figure out if he knew but his eyes only showed confusion. Maddy realized at that moment that Cassie was selfish enough to not only ruin her friendship but also her relationship with someone that was never hers to take.

“This stupid cunt started fucking Nate,” she said loudly enough for everyone in the kitchen to hear. No one moved. McKay doesn’t believe Cassie would hurt him like that. Yes, she’s had a past of sleeping with several of his classmates but she’s not a cheater. He looked at Cassie, who looked down ashamed. At that moment he knew that Maddy had good reasons to hurt her. A thought popped in his head; he could just let Maddy go to finish the job, but he isn’t that type of guy. He still loves her and just wants her and could never hurt her.

He looked toward Maddy again and whispered, “was it just a one-time thing?”.

She turned her attention from Cassie and looked at him sadly “No, that’s when it started but from the looks of them showing up here together, they’re still fucking”.

McKay finally brought his attention to Nate. How can the person he called his brother, his friend, sleep with his girl? He texted him as if he wasn’t screwing Cassie and hung out with him as if nothing happened. He was furious, Nate joked with him as if he wasn’t burying his dick in her. McKay felt the anger start to rise and he was trying his best to keep it leveled. He couldn’t lose his cool, but he just had to know why. He looked at the girls around him, Rue and Jules looking between him, BB scared, Kat looking at him sadly, and Maddy looking at Cassie as if she wanted to throttle her. Cassie wouldn’t look at anyone, she stayed sitting on the floor staring at her hands. Doing everything in her power, not to look at him.

“Since New Years Cass?” she didn’t look up at him but started to shake. He took a deep breath and realized that if it happened at the party, that means he may have talked to her either before or after. Was that why she was crying? He thought. He had to know even if it kills him. “Cassie, did you fuck him before or after our talk?”

Still, no response but she started to silently cry, there was his answer clear as day. The one person he’s ever been in love with slept with his friend. He just stared at her for a moment or two before Nate cut in.

“I had already fucked her by then bro”. He looked up at Nate smirking. This person in his kitchen wasn’t his friend nor his brother. If he cares for their friendship Nate should have never done that. He would have never done that. The way Nate was looking at him, smirking as if he had the upper hand reminded him of their conversation on New Year. All the questions knowing that he already fucked Cassie before McKay did.

McKay slowly walks over to Nate and furiously asks “I thought you said she’s only someone to fuck and move on from?” Cassie looked at Nate shocked about what he told McKay about her. She thought he loved her; she ruined her life for him. As if Nate could feel Cassie’s eyes on him, he looks down and smirks, and looks back toward McKay.

“Bro, I’m not done with her yet,” he said calmly. Everyone in the room just looked at him in shock. Nate didn’t care whom he hurt as long as he got it his way. Nate moved closer to McKay and said as smug as he could “I see why you liked her; Cassie has a real tight ass pussy”.

“Shut the fuck up Nate”.

“Bro, when I asked if you fucked her at the party was not cuz I was curious. I wanted to make sure we didn’t cum in the same place”.

McKay looked at Nate in total disgust “there is something seriously wrong with you”.

“Nah I don’t think Cassie thinks that when she rides my dick every night”.

That was the last straw for McKay before he could even think he started hitting Nate in the face. For a little while Nate was fighting back but even though McKay was shorter, he was the strongest of the two. He overpowered Nate and ended up on top of him, continuing his blows to his head. “I should have let Fezco kill you, you sick fuck”, he yelled in between punches.

As he was assaulting Nate, Rue just stood there and watched. She shouldn’t enjoy someone getting beaten but she doesn’t feel one ounce of pity for Nate. He deserved this. She couldn’t prove it yet but always felt that Nate was the reason Jules left her at the train station and pushed away from her. Jules was afraid of Nate and at this point, she hopes that he just disappears or ends up 6 feet under, whichever comes first.

While everyone watched Nate bloody and beaten, no one was watching Maddy until it was too late. She had already run to Cassie and landed a punch square in the nose. Rue heard the crunch and knew that Maddy had broken Cassie’s nose. Before anyone could stop the fight, they heard the music get turned down and saw some of the football players getting in between the two fights.

As they held McKay, they heard him screaming “Why did you fuck her Nate? Why did you have to fuck Cass?”.  All the football players looked toward a beaten Cassie and Nate trying to process what happened. They looked toward McKay trying to figure out what to do.

“Guys get them out of my house” he looked at everyone else “Matter of fact, I need everyone out”. Slowly the football players got everyone out and walked to their cars. McKay looks over at the girls to see if everyone is ok.

Jules walks up to McKay and quietly asks “Do you need help cleaning up?”

“Yeah, thanks Jules” McKay looks toward Maddy “can I talk to you for a second”. Maddy just shook her head and headed out to the pool with McKay while everyone started to pick up the trash.

By the time they had gotten everything pretty much in order, BB grabbed a bottle of tequila and shouted, “who needs a drink!”. Every hand in the room went up except for Rue. After the night they had, anything was needed. Kat looked out to the pool to see that Maddy was having a deep conversation with McKay and didn’t feel she should bother them.

She looked at the time and back at the girls “Is everyone ready to go?”. Everyone nodded their heads, but BB just looked at Maddy. “BB, do you need a ride?” Kat asked since it didn’t look as though Maddy’s conversation was ending soon.

BB thought of her options but ultimately realized that she couldn’t just leave Maddy after everything that happened. She turned to Kat and shook her head “Nah, I'm going to wait on Maddy”.

“Alright girl, we’ll see you later”.

Everyone waved bye to BB as they made their way to the car. Lexi decided to sit in the passenger seat to allow Rue and Jules to have some time with each other. The ride to Lexi’s house was quiet. She kept sneaking glances back at Rue and Jules in the back seat. Jules had her head leaning against Rue’s shoulder as she slept. Rue was up but in her own world as she leaned her head toward Jules. Lexi is hopeful that they can move on from their situation. Even in their sleep, they gravitate to each other. Early on in their relationship Lexi always felt like she was pushed off to the side. That she no longer had her best friend, but after being with Fezco she realized that a person can be focused on their relationship but still consider their friends still at their side.

“Lex... Lex, we’re here” Kat said loudly. Kat’s voice woke Jules up and she realized she was laying on Rue. For a moment Jules was happy before she looked over and saw Lexi’s house. She didn’t know if Rue was staying with her or going home. She wanted to finish their conversation from earlier, hoping she could get Rue back.

Lexi turns around to face the girls and asks softly “Do you want to spend the night Rue?”.

Rue turned her head to look at Jules contemplating what she should do. Rue could easily have this conversation another day, but her therapist did tell her to face her problems. Not facing her problems is what has caused her to lean on drugs heavily, she wanted to change and with change comes challenges and Jules is her biggest one.

Rue looked back at Lexi and shook her head “Nah I’m good”.

“Alright, goodnight, guys” Lexi smiled as she made her way to her door. As soon as she stepped inside Kat drove away.

The drive to Rue’s house only took 5 minutes for Kat. She was desperate to go to bed and realized she still had Jules to drop off. Rue looks at her house as they pulled up. All the lights were closed. As she opened the door Jules grabs her hand. She turned and saw the pleading look in Jules’ eyes. She wanted to continue with their conversation from earlier and was hoping that Rue would agree. Jules felt Rue’s hand pull her out of the car and Jules couldn’t be any happier. Rue wanted her to go in with her and hopefully allow her to stay.

They closed the car door and waved to Kat before she drove away. Rue walked to her door holding Jules’ hand in one hand and the key in the other. As she places the key in the lock she turned back to Jules. She could see how excited she was. She slowly opened the door and ushered Jules inside. Rue quietly closes the door and grabs Jules's hand to bring her to her room.

Once inside Rue went into her closet to change into someone more comfortable. After putting on a long t-shirt over her boxers she grabs a shirt for Jules. She turns and sees Jules sitting at the edge of the bed looking uncomfortable not knowing what to do. Realized that they could no longer avoid this conversation. She hands Jules the t-shirt and turns around while Jules gets comfortable. She knows that she didn’t need to turn around, she’s seen Jules with a lot less but since it’s been months since they last spoke and she didn’t want to make anything more awkward.

Jules whispered a soft “Rue, you can turn around”. Rue turned and made her way to the bed. She looks at Jules waiting for her to talk but she just stares at her head. Rue decided to ask her instead.

“Why are we here Jules?”

“I wanted to finish our talk, I felt that we were getting somewhere,” she said timidly.

“I don’t know how we can move on from this Jules”.

“Can we at least take it slow? See if we can make it work? I don’t want to lose you, Rue, you are my best friend. I love you”.

“And what if that doesn’t work out?”

“At least we gave it a shot. Please Rue” she pleaded.

“Umm. H-how slow is slow?”.

“As slow as you want to go Rue. I’m willing to do anything to make this work”.

Rue looked toward Jules and realized that this may be the only time she can ask the one question that’s made a permanent residence in her head. “Anything?”

“Yes, anything”.

Rue takes a deep breath “Tell me what was going on with you and Nate”.

Jules didn’t expect that question and honestly didn’t want to talk to Rue about it but if this is the only thing in the way of them working out, she was going to do it. Jules takes a huge breath before spilling out a secret she wished stayed in the closet.

“Um the night after the carnival when I met with Tyler, I told you he didn’t look like his picture. He didn’t because he was Nate. He told me he had feelings for me and kissed me, but I pushed him away. He took the rejection hard and told me if I ever told anyone about him meeting me, he would go to the police with the pictures I sent ‘Tyler’ and have me arrested for child pornography. He left me alone for a while until the whole police thing with Maddy, he needed me to say that the real Tyler was the one that left the bruises. I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t want to go to jail so I did it. I felt so sick afterward and got drunk at the Halloween party”.

Rue looked at Jules and said, “Well that explains why you acted the way you did”.

“Yeah. I felt horrible for how I acted with you, and I didn’t want you to kiss me cuz I was ashamed that I put someone who didn’t do it in jail”.  Jules takes a deep breath before continuing “the last time he approached me was to give me the video his dad recorded of us in the hotel room. He promised me that was the only copy, but I don’t know. Then I found out he got his dad arrested for child pornography and spent the rest of the school year thinking the cops were going to come and ask me questions”.

“So, nothing else happened between you two?”.

“No Rue, that’s the extent of our meetings”.

Rue nods at her and gets up and makes it to her side of the bed. Jules looks at her confused, but Rue gave a small reassuring smile. “Are you coming to bed?”.

“Umm... yea”, Jules said breathlessly as she made it to her to the bed.

Rue pulls back the cover as they both got it. As soon as Jules was comfortable Rue pulled the covers over them. She was slowly falling asleep when she heard Jules whisper “Rue?”. Rue turns her head in Jules’ direction.

“Yea?”

“You never answered my question. Are we going to try?” she asked shyly.

Rue grabbed Jules and laid her head on her chest. “We can take it slow”.

Jules tried to look up at Rue, but Rue held her head to her chest and mumbled “Go to bed Jules”.

Jules was beyond excited. Rue has finally decided after months of hoping that they can try again. Granted they’re taking it slow and have to talk about what they are. At the moment Jules was happy about the future for them. She listened to Rue’s heartbeat and starts to feel her eyes getting heavy. She closes her eyes and cuddles into Rue, intertwining their legs together. This is the first time in a long time that Jules is happy to wake up.

~~~~~~

Rue laid in bed thinking about last night with Jules in her arms. She was beyond happy to wake up to her. It’s been months since she’s had the warm butterfly feelings in the pits of her stomach. She hates to say how much she’s missed Jules and having her. She has gone through some much to get her in the first place, but the drugs came first. She chose Jules over the fentanyl but with her leaving she spiraled back into her comfort zone. With the help of her therapist, she’s realized that she switched her dependency from drugs to Jules. It wasn’t fair to Jules, and it showed when she was so suffocated that she left. But when she left, Rue went back to being dependent on something that was always there for her but destroyed her body and almost every friendship she’s had.

By finally realizing the damage she caused, she finally chose the only real person who wouldn’t leave her. Herself. It was hard for her to make that choice and sometimes she felt that Lexi was to thank for that revelation. She’s spent months staying sober and some days were harder than others, but she had to do something with her life.

She always thought that Jules would be her first love and she was coming to terms with just remembering her as such. But every time she saw her, the feelings were still there. She knows that for months she kept her distance. Rue wasn’t trying to avoid Jules but knew that there was too much pain and remorse to try to at least salvage a friendship.

But Jules was persistent. She refused to give up on Rue, for months she tried to talk to her and when that didn’t work, she called and texted her daily. Jules felt that their relationship was worth it and maybe Rue should give it one more chance. No drugs and no dependency on Jules, maybe this time it’ll be different.

Rue was deep in thought when there was a knock on her door. She looked up and saw Gia pop her head in. “what's up Gia?”.

“Mom made breakfast, you coming?”.

“Yea, just give me a sec”.

Gia closed her door and Rue hears her steps fading away. As she was moving to get up, her phone pinged letting her know she had a message. It was from Jules Good Morning Rue 😉😘. Before she could stop herself, she smiled at her phone and texted back quickly good morning 😴 Rue pulls back the cover and makes her way to the kitchen. She finds her mom and sister already eating.

“Morning,” she said as takes her seat at the table.

As she starts filling up her plate her mother asks, “What are you girls doing today?”

“Me, Gia, and Lexi are going bowling in a little bit,” Rue said shrugging her shoulders.

“I’m glad you guys are spending more time together” Leslie beamed.

They ate in silence for a moment before Leslie looked over at Rue. “So, Jules slept over last night?”.

Rue shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her toast. “Yeah so?”.

“Are you guys back together?” Leslie questioned.

“Umm… we are taking it slow”.

“Are you sure, baby you’ve made a lot of progress and I don’t want you to lose your way”.

“I won’t mom I promise”

“Ok baby, but I want to talk to her, bring her over tomorrow night for dinner”.

“Yes, mom,” she said and turned to Gia “go get ready”.

~~~~~

Jules woke up this morning so excited and she was upset that she had to sneak back to her house this morning but waking up next to Rue was amazing. She couldn’t be happier that she and Rue were going to try. This time will be better she promises herself.

She was deep in thought when her phone started to ring. Thinking it was Rue, she grabbed her phone. It was Kat, Jules tried to hide her disappointment as she answers her phone.

“Hey Kat”

“Hey girl, where are you?”

“I’m at home, why?”.

“I thought you’d still be in bed with Rue” she laughed.

Jules just rolls her eyes “No, I got back early this morning”.

“Did ya’ll fuck?” she yelled.

“No Kat, it wasn’t even like that, we just talked, and Rue is willing to give us another shot. We are just going to take it slow. I’m honestly happy to get another chance with her, it’s more than I deserve”.

“Finally, bitch, you guys have been skating each other for months now”.

“Shut up” she smiled.

JULES!  Her dad yelled from downstairs.

“Shit, sorry Kat me and dad are going to the diner to eat. I gotta go”.

She barely waited for Kat’s enthusiastic bye before she ended the call and went downstairs.

~~~~~~

Lexi was eager to leave the house and was thankful she could quiet her brain for a little while, Rue has been a better best friend in the several months since her sobriety than she has in their whole friendship. Lexi never blamed Rue for the decisions she made, at that point, Rue’s world had shattered, and she lost the one person she loved most in life. Rue has taken this sobriety relatively better than the last. She did it for herself and she tried to do it for herself, and Lexi couldn’t be any happier she had her best friend back and right now she really needs her. Ever since what happened at Fezco’s, Rue has made sure Lexi wasn’t alone. A part of Lexi is afraid that Rue would go back to the Rue who was completely dependent on Jules and checked out of their friendship. She didn’t want to lose her but at the same time, she was allowed a choice, and Lexi would never take that away from her.

She really enjoyed the time she got to spend outside of the house with the Bennett girls. It gave her the chance to check out of her life. Her mom was still drinking and spent most of her day on the couch with bottles of wine. Cassie was barely around, spending her time with Nate. He had completely changed her sister and she often felt that she may never get her back. Having Rue and Gia gives her the ability to fill in the void that Cassie and Fez have left.

She was happy that Rue and Jules decided to try at a relationship again, but Lexi was afraid that they would push her out again. She didn’t want Rue to leave her especially when she just got her back.

She didn’t want to dwell too much on that because even though they were giving it one more go; Rue chose to hang out with her today. She was happy that they had the chance to hang out and she was happy that Rue gave her full attention to her and Gia.

Even now, as they rode their bikes to the Bennett house, Rue was just cracking jokes. Lexi looked at Rue, who had the biggest smile on her face, and realized she hasn’t seen her this happy, not since her dad passed away. Maybe this time everything could be different.

When they finally arrived, they placed their bikes against the wall. Gia lets them know that she’s going to her friend’s house leaving Lexi and Rue as they headed to Rue’s room. She closes the door and turns to find Rue sprawled out on the bed.

“I had fun today Rue” Lexi beamed as she sat on the edge of the bed. Rue lifts her head and turns to face Lexi with a wide smile.

“I did too, we should do it again” but before Lexi could respond, Rue’s phone chimes with a new message. The first thing she taught was that it was Jules, cutting their day short. She knows that she shouldn’t be upset but she hated being alone lately and she knows that she’s been dependent on Rue. “Shit it’s Maddy” she groaned. That wasn’t who Lexi expected. She leans over Rue’s shoulder to look at the message.

Chicks B4 Dicks

Maddy has added BB, Kat, Lex, Rue, and Jules to chat

Maddy has changed name to Chicks B4 Dicks

Maddy: Sup Whores!!!

Kat: Hey Maddy

BB: Hey Bitch

Rue: What up

Jules: Hi ☺️

Maddy: Last night was crazy!! I can't believe that cunt showed up and brought that dick with her

Kat: understatement Mads

Jules: How did it get that bad so quickly?

Maddy: I just got pissed when I saw them. Bitch I saw red

BB: u should have fucked her up worse

Maddy: well I would have if someone didn’t try to stop it 🧐

Kat: We were there to have fun not fight. She isn’t worth it

Rue: naw fuck her

Maddy: why the fuck is Lexi not responding?

Rue: cuz she’s sitting right next to me reading our group chat

Maddy: oh, ok just checking

Lexi grabs her phone from her back pocket and texted the chat just so Maddy knew where she stood.

Lexi: Just so you know Maddy, I don’t support what Cassie did and she has to deal with it

Maddy: That’s why you're my favorite Howard

Rue: so why did you create this group chat

Maddy: I was getting to that RueRue. What are you guys doing later?

Rue: shit I don’t know, what we doing?

Maddy: that’s what I like to hear

Rue: 😎

Maddy: McKay wants us to go over and chill

Kat: another party? Didn’t we have enough fun yesterday?

Maddy: no bitch, just us and him. We would just be hanging out

Rue: Fuck it me and Lex are down. If one of ya’ll wants to pick us up

Kat: I’ll pick you up after I pick up Jules

Maddy: Great, I’m here with him, so let me know when you’re here

Jules: Wait, you’re there with him alone? How long have you been there?

Maddy: I left this morning to drop off BB and went home to shower and stuff and just came back like not too long ago.

Kat: 🤨

Jules: 🧐

Lexi: 🤓

Rue: 🤔

BB: 🤗

Maddy: what?!!

Maddy: what's the problem?

Rue: He kept it in his pants?

Maddy: wtf it’s not like that Rue

Kat: yet….

Maddy: fuck off you cunts!

Maddy: just let me know when you get here

Rue turned over to Lexi “You down to go Lex?”

“Yeah”

“Ok let me just change really quick,” she said as she made it over to her closet trying to figure out how to dress. In the pits of her stomach, she can feel the butterflies and the self-doubt start to present itself. She didn’t know if trying again will cause her to relapse, it was the last thing she wanted. She couldn’t let her mind tell her she was not good enough; her family and friends have shown her every day that she is worth it.

She takes a deep breath and grabs a pair of long black shorts and a crop top to change into. She decided to wear her trusty chunks and put her hair in a bun. California heat can be completely unbearable, and she just didn’t want her hair to puff up. She didn’t want it to be how it was during her drug use, chaotic, messy, sometimes not even washed. Showing a glimpse of her life then and the choices she used to make.

“Hey Rue” she heard Lexi saying getting her out of her thoughts.

“Yea”

“Kat and Jules are coming to pick us up, they’ll be here in a second,” she said showing Rue her phone. She looks at herself in the mirror. One word came to mind. Clean. She was clean and unless you knew her, you couldn’t tell that she was a recovering addict. Right now, she just looks like a normal teenager.

Before she can continue with her thoughts, she heard a car beep and knew it was time to get the show on the road. She grabs her phone and quickly texts her mother where she’s going. It was her way of trying to rebuild the trust in their relationship. She understood that her mother is putting more of her attention on her sister, but it showed Rue, that she has to do it for herself now.

She and Lexi made their way outside to see Jules hop out of the passenger seat, smiling happily at the approaching girls. She gestured for Lexi to take her seat and seats with Rue in the backseat. Jules just wanted to be as close to Rue as possible and right now seeing how good she looked she had to try and keep her hands to herself.

She and Rue sat close together as Lexi and Kat were having an animated conversation trying to give them a little bit of privacy.

“How was bowling?”

“It was good, Gia beat us”

“I’m glad you had fun. You look beautiful by the way Rue” she smiled seductively.

Rue looked down; a blush noticeable on her cheeks “Thanks”. She takes a deep breath and turns to Jules. “My mom wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow night”.

Jules just looks over at her excitingly. It’s been a long time since she’s had dinner with Rue’s family. She missed how warm and inviting Leslie was to her. “That’ll be amazing, I’ll let my dad know”.

Jules's excitement soon drains from her face when realization hits. She looks at Rue’s eyes “Does your mom know about everything that’s happened?” Rue nods her head at Jules. “Like everything, everything?” already knowing the answer.

“Yup”

Jules looks out of the car window now dreading for the conversation tomorrow. “Shit” she whispered.

Chapter Text

Night of McKay’s Party

The drive back to the motel was tense and quiet for Cassie. She looked in the mirror and had already seen bruises forming. She always knew from experience that Maddy’s punches were brutal. The first one she ever felt was during Lexi’s play. In picking Nate, she didn’t realize she would lose everyone she ever called a friend. Her best friend hated her, Kat would ignore her, BB would whisper slut to her whenever she would pass her in the halls or at the mall and her own sister avoided her at all costs. She couldn’t blame them at this point she voided them too. She’s never felt so alone and all for Nate. She turned to look at him driving. Hands gripping the steering wheel in a vice to the point they were white. From his profile, she could see a black eye forming and dried blood on his nose. She knew he deserved it for egging on McKay, what did he expect, for everyone to back down from him? She could see he was angry, trying to keep his anger at bay. So, she did all she could to stay quiet and be the perfect girlfriend.

All too quickly they made it. She wasn’t allowed to stay at his home after he kicked her out of his house the first time. They had gotten into a heated argument in which his mother stepped in and told her to leave. She should have left and never looked back. Went back to her friends and beg for forgiveness but here she was basically living in this motel waiting for him to show up.

Breathe, she tells herself. Stay quiet. Be his peace. Be a perfect girlfriend.

That is how she had gotten herself through the final months of school. He’ll learn to control his anger and they’ll eventually be happy.

As they got into their room, everything was quiet. Then she sees Nate reach for the bottle and gulp down about half of it. She tells herself to just get ready for bed. Be asleep before he turns it on her. But it’s too late and he’s too angry.

He smashes the bottle against the wall. “This is bullshit, I’ll get them all for this. That bitch Maddy and her stupid friends and McKay. He’s mad he lost, he’s mad I took his precious slut from him”.

He turns his focus to Cassie, “Isn’t that right Cass, you were his little slut”. He slowly starts stalking towards her. “You’re just a slut, you made this problem”. He’s right in front of her and she looks down at her feet, refusing to speak, and doesn’t dare to look up at him.

He wants her to look at him, he wants her to see that this was all her fault. She was supposed to remain a secret but now everyone knew, and everyone hated him. No one wanted to associate with him. Everyone believed he was a monster, that he did hurt Maddy, that he ruined her and Cassie’s friendship, and because of her stupid sister, they believed he was a closeted gay just like his father whose rotting in jail. This was all because of Cassie. She’s the problem.

Before he can think, he grabs her hard by her throat pressing down. He could easily fix his problem. She’s the problem. “You’re a fucking slut Cass, you slept with your best friend’s man, cheated on your own boyfriend. You did this”. He says as he continues to squeeze hard.

Cassie claws at his hands, she can’t breathe. She tries he hardest to whisper “Nate” pulling at his hands “you’re hurting me”.

He throws her to the bed, half her body on the bed. Cassie was coughing and trying to get control of her breathing. Trying to convince herself that he loves her and that she could fix this. She hears his belt hit the floor and hears his zipper going down. Maybe it’ll be quick, and he won’t be mad at me. She hears his footsteps coming closer to the bed. She feels him lift up her backside. Rips down her skirt and underwear in one fast movement. She turns and faces the mirror and watches him forcibly enter her. She watches him as he pushes her torso further into the mattress. She sees her face bloody and bruised. He yanks her hair hard causing it to lift from the mattress. She can see herself. She keeps telling herself this is love.

But she doesn’t know if she can believe it anymore.

~~~~~~

Can I trust you to take the wheel?

Can I put you inside my whip?

Oh, baby, you fine-fine

They don't know that we wine and dine

Call your phone like a hotline

We go up and get sky high

Mix together like tie-dye

I get selfish with you, babe, you mine, all mine

Keep it solid, don't tell lies

She one thousand with me and the best of all time

Rockin' one-of-one high-curl line

Eliantte, that VS shine

The music was ringing loud through Kat’s speakers, everyone deep in their own thoughts. The song resonates differently for everyone. Kat’s thoughts drifted to how alone she’s felt. She realized that she was what pushed Ethan away but didn’t know how to come back from it. Maybe they were just too different from one another. She looks in her rearview mirror and sees Jules laying her head on Rue’s shoulder while Rue’s was leaning against hers. They look in a better spot than before, but she was still jealous of them. With everything, they’ve put each other through they still found their way back. She was happy for her friend Jules but now it meant she was spending more time alone. She gives Lexi a quick side-eye, knowing that even though her drug dealer boyfriend wasn’t there, she still had someone. Little Lexi Howard had a boyfriend.

Lexi’s mind drifts to her last couple of days with Fezco before everything fell to shit. She was so happy a couple of hours before the play. Spending time with Fezco felt like a dream. He was attentive and saw her, made sure she was always good and made her feel as though she was always his first choice. It seems foolish but with Rue spending her time between Jules, Elliot, and drugs, there seemed to be any room left for her. She loved Rue, sometimes more than she should. She was confused for a while about what those feelings really were, but she was never brave enough to act on them. In some ways she’s happy that she never did, she would have never been introduced to the enigma that is Fezco. He made her always feel beautiful and loved, made her feel seen, but now he she is waiting for that collect call once a week. She missed his voice, calling her fearless and giving her what she wanted. Someone who made her feel powerful and, in a way, sexy. She’s hopeful that he’ll be released soon but she’ll always wait for the chance to be with him. She could not wait until the time when she could be cruising with him in his car. One hand on the wheel and the other holding her hands, turning occasionally to look at her.

The music wasn’t helping, and the silence was too defining for Kat. “Are you guys gonna like you know... talk”.

“Um… I like your music”.

“Seriously Rue? What the fuck kinda comment is that?” she laughed.

Rue shrugged her shoulders “what kind I say… I’m a woman of many talents?”.

“What are your other talents?” Jules laughed as Rue’s face grew red causing everyone in the car to laugh at her.

“Shut up, y’all suck” Rue stated as she crossed her arms. At moments like this Jules finds her so adorable. She leans over and hugs Rue.

“I’m still waiting for Daddy Rue to come out and play” Kat laughed.

“KAT!!” Jules yelled. Both Rue and Lexi turned to face Jules as Kat continued focusing on the road and laughing.

Rue asked quietly “Daddy Rue? What is she talking about Jules?”.

“Um, it’s nothing Rue”. Both Lexi and Rue looked on convinced but decided to drop it as they were pulling up to McKay’s driveway.

Once Kat parked, they all got out and heard music coming from the back. They made their way towards the back gate. Kat went first followed by Lexi. Jules grabs Rue’s hand and threads her fingers through as they followed behind.

“Well look at who finally showed up. Took y’all bitch long enough” Maddy stated with a smile on her face.

Maddy, BB, and McKay were lounging by the pool in the lounge chairs. More so BB and Maddy were sunbathing while McKay sat up and was on his phone. Maddy got up and sat next to McKay so Lexi and Kat can sit and left the empty seat for Jules and Rue. Rue sprawled out and Jules laid between her legs.

Maddy looked over at them and smiled “so I guess you bitches finally fixed y’all’s shit”.

Rue looked over “um… we’re working on it” she smiled.

Lexi looked over to McKay “hey how are you?”.

“I’m straight, I guess. Still processing everything”.

BB finally interjected “Shits crazy, I didn’t know that bitch would show up and to show up with that dick no less”.

“I’m glad I got to beat her ass again”.

“Stop Maddy. I think something was off about her last night” Kat proclaimed.

“What that she was scared I was gonna beat her ass? Guess that came true”.

“No like, she was obedient or some shit. She kept looking at Nate like he was her dad and was waiting for him to let her talk or something”.

“Kat you just reading into it too much”.

“No think about it Mads, even when she was afraid of you, she still ran her mouth. In the halls, she would keep her head high but now she looks at her feet and won’t talk until after she looks at him. Shits weird”.

Maddy thought for a second about what Kat. Cassie always did voice her opinion, sometimes when it wasn’t needed. Maybe there was something going on.

“It’s her bed, she can lay in it”.

McKay turned to Maddy and said quietly “Kat’s got a point, somethings off”.

Maddy turned to Rue “What do you think Rue Rue?”.

“How would I know?”

“Well, you were the one to notice that she was fucking Nate”.

“I’m sorry I got involved but I was coming from a withdrawal and needed more drugs. I didn’t want to listen to anyone, and she just had to make a point and I attacked” she shrugged.

“Still, you saw, so what do you think?”.

“I didn’t see her come in. Me and Jules went upstairs.

“To fuck?” BB laughed.

“No, we just went somewhere quiet to talk” Jules stated turning her head to BB.

Before the conversation could switch McKay looked at Lexi and asked “What you think Lex? Cass is your sis, did you notice sumthin?”.

“Um yea… usually Cass is so confident but at the party, she just looked so down. I didn’t know if it was because she was uncomfortable or what”.

“Have you talked to her?” Kat asked.

“No, she’s barely home and when she is, it’s just to grab clothes and leave. I don’t know where she sleeps”.

“It’s not at Nate’s because her car is never there and sometimes his car isn’t either”.

Kat looked to Maddy, “Stalker much?”.

“No bitch. I was just curious”.

At that moment BB gets up to make her way to the kitchen. “Anyone want a shot?”.

Everyone nods their head, but Rue says no. “I’ll take a soda tho”.

“Alright, coming right up”.

Kat turns to the group “I feel like something is wrong with Cass and Nate is up to something”.

Before anyone can say anything, BB walked up with a bottle of tequila, cups, and a soda for Rue. “Let's have some fun bitches”.

~~~~~~~~

Jules enjoyed spending time with her friends especially being able to be with Rue. She enjoyed how Rue let her lay and cuddle with her in front of their friends. There’s no hiding, not anymore. Even though it was progressing slowly for her, she still enjoyed having moments like this with her. Months ago, she would have wished she could even get that. Rue avoided her as much as possible until the end of the school year. She ate lunch with Lexi outside, quickly went to class, and quickly left. Even in their shared classes, she would sit as far away from her as possible.

She looks in the mirror fixing her hair before going downstairs for dinner. She couldn’t wipe the smile on her face. She was truly happy and felt like nothing could ruin it. She walks happily down to the kitchen where her father was waiting for her.

“Hi, sweetheart did you have fun today?”

“Yeah dad, it was good hanging out with everyone” she smiled.

“What’s got you so happy?” David questioned.

“So, I got to see Rue today” she smiled.

“So are you guys like a thing this time?”.

“Yes dad we are a thing. We are taking our time though”.

“Because you wanted to or because Rue did?” he asked knowingly.

“Rue wants to, but I like get it. We moved too fast before, and being apart from her showed me that I don’t want to lose her”.

“That’s good. Is she still clean?”.

“Yes dad. I think like 5 months now. She’s going to her NA meetings and her and her family are going through therapy”.

“That’s great. Maybe we can finally have that family dinner with them then?” he asked.

“Yea, we can. Tomorrow night her mom invite me over for dinner. It’s the first time in a long while”.

David nods his head and is deep in thought for a minute before asking “are you guys being safe?”.

“What do you mean?”.

“Like having protected sex and –“.

“Oh my god, dad! We are taking it slow!” Jules yelled, not allowing him to finish his comment. She did not want to have this conversation with her dad. She and Rue haven’t even kissed yet and he’s already moving to that. Jules does want to go there with Rue, but she has to be patient.

“Can we just eat without the embarrassing questions?” she whined.

“Ok sweetheart”.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was a quiet day for Rue. She had gone to another therapy session, promising Dr. Jameson to bring Jules whenever she’s comfortable. She had gone straight to Lexi’s right after. She didn’t want to make the same mistake she had last time, where she had to push her to the side and give Jules all her attention. She had to make room for everyone and in doing so she’s not sitting there waiting on one person to come to be with her. She refuses to make the same mistake twice, hell maybe even three but she had to make it work. It kept her busy and her mom is happier with her progress. They are talking more and she’s trying to keep her mom in the loop about certain things. It’s a way for her to give her peace of mind.

Even though it’s been a good day, it can all change. She sits at the kitchen table waiting for Jules to arrive. She isn’t stupid she knows her mother is going to basically interrogate Jules over everything that’s happened. Things that she couldn’t get into since she couldn’t read Jules mind. She just hopes that her mother still likes Jules after this.

She busied herself by tapping on the tap. Three taps, three times, three fingers. Sitting there with Gia waiting for her phone to notify her. As soon as her mother places the final plate on the table Rue’s phone vibrates.

Jules 👅💜: I’m here, should I go through the window or the front door 🤣

Rue: 🤔 I’ll open the front door.

Rue made her way over and opened the door. Jules looked beautiful in every meaning of the word. “Hi” she stated shyly smiling at her.

“Hi, Rue… are you going to let me in or are we going to have dinner at your front door?” she said jokingly.

“Oh yea, sorry” she opened the door and stepped to the side so Jules could come in and closed the door. They stared awkwardly not knowing if they should hug or kiss each other. They were still trying to figure out where they stood.

Jules decided to take a leap and quickly kiss her cheek.

“Let’s go have dinner with Gia and your mama”.

“Alright”.

~~~~~~~~~

After a relatively easy dinner, Leslie wanted to understand how much Jules really knew about her daughter and how long she was willing to try. So far, she’s had her doubts. The first time Jules left it had destroyed her daughter and she thought about how it was a struggle to get her daughter back. During those moments Leslie felt as though the girl she had called her daughter wasn’t her daughter. Just a shell of a girl who was lost once more.  She has finally gotten her daughter back and she did not and could not deal with the lost again. By anyone. Not even Jules.

“So, Jules, Rue told me that you’re giving your relationship another go” Leslie stated looking to her left.

“Yes, we are. I’ve missed her so much, but I had to let her work through things on her own. I’ve never stopped loving her” she turned and shyly smiled at Rue.

Leslie looked at Jules, looking for any signs of doubt. She found none. She wanted Jules to understand how Rue is, and how she functions and if she cannot handle that, she wants her to let her go before they get too deep.

“Did Rue ever tell you why she grew a dependency to drugs?”

“Um… not really, I didn’t want to pry”

“Mom, what are you doing” Rue interjected. She looked at her mother trying to figure out why she would bring this up during dinner. She shifted her gaze to Gia to see if she knew what their mother was trying to do. But just like her, she was shocked. Rue shifted back to her mother.

“I want us all to be transparent with each other. I do not want you reverting back to before. Baby, you’ve been sober for months now and I’m so proud of you” she stated looking at Rue, smiling. “I just want to know if Jules is ready to handle that or give her an out now”.

“Your right Ms. Leslie. During the whole train situation, I did feel suffocated. I did not want Rue’s sobriety dependent on how available I am. So, when I left, I realized my mistake, but it was too late to take it back.  I wanted to come back to Rue but I knew that I already damaged our relationship. When I came back all I could think of was Rue, but I didn’t know how. When she came to my house right before Christmas, I thought that was my chance to fix it, but she left before I could even think. She was ignoring my calls and texts at that point and avoiding me. I took my chance on New Year’s and I didn’t care that she relapsed, I just wanted Rue back”.

Leslie nods her head before she opened her mouth and stated, “If you wanted to be with her so much, why Elliot?”.

“Mom can you just drop it?”

“No Rue, she has the right to ask that. Um, Elliot was a mistake. When Rue started to pull away from me, I thought I was losing her, at the time I didn’t know she was doing more drugs. Elliot became someone to talk to, he gave me the attention I had wanted from Rue. He made me question if Rue really loved me or if I was someone, she could just seek comfort from. It took me a while to realize that he didn’t want us together and I felt that he just wanted it to be just them two:”.

“When was the last time you spoke to him?” Leslie questioned.

“The day we came over, when um... everything happened”.

Leslie nodded her head. “First and foremost, I want to thank you, Jules. You saved my daughter’s life, and I will forever be grateful. As a mother, my greatest fear is losing one of my daughters. They are the only things left in this world that I have, and I can’t have you coming and going and not knowing what it is you want from my daughter. She is delicate and you need to understand my fear in your relationship”.

“I understand completely, and I am deeply sorry for any hurt I have caused this family, but I love your daughter and refuse to lose her”.

Rue just sat there listening to the conversation going back and forth. She was surprised that Jules was fighting for their relationship. Sometimes her mind creates these scenarios where it tells her this is all a lie. That Jules doesn’t really love her, and she isn’t worth saving. Maybe this time things would be different. Maybe it could work between them. She turned back to the conversation, preparing herself for the inevitable, Jules knowing how fucked up she really is.

“Rue’s father was diagnosed with cancer and had gotten very sick. We couldn’t afford the cost of chemo and medical expenses and stay afloat. I had to have in-home care instead of keeping him in the hospital. We had a nurse take care of him while the girls were at school and then when Rue came home, she would take care of him. I had to work extra jobs so we would be able to afford everything, and I wasn’t able to take care of him. It hurts that I had to make my girls grow up quicker than they had to, but we didn’t have any other option at the time” Leslie wiped her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. “Since it was home care, all his medications were present in our room, and I guess Rue started to use them. At the time I would be too tired to realize what she was doing. The day their father died was the day I had lost Rue. She lived in his clothes and still did even when you guys met. It became some sort of security blanket for her, especially his red hoodie”.

Recognition flashes in Jules’ eyes. The red hoodie. She always thought it was her favorite sweater. She never asked Rue why she wore it. She had always thought that was her aesthetic. She realizes that she never looked, really looked at Rue. Rue never really depended on her to stay sober, she just wanted some assembly of love.

Jules turned back to Leslie. “When you say that you lost Rue, do you mean to drugs?”.

“Yes and no. Rue’s mind is very special. It doesn’t react like a normal teenager. It’s intensified. She’s always needed medications to quiet it”.

“What my mom is trying to say, Jules is that my brain and emotions think differently than what I want. Sometimes it feels like I have this person in my head making me feel things differently than I want. It consumes me and makes it difficult to function. The drugs helped me get the quietness I’ve always wanted. It never lasted long, and I would hate myself later and then my body would crave it again”.

Leslie waited until Rue finished before reaching into her pocket to pull out the piece of paper. The one she could never part with. “Jules I’m going to read a letter from when I spoke about Rue’s addiction. I have held on to this letter and always hoped that Rue would get better”.

Jules nods and Leslie takes a deep breath. Looks across to see Rue with her head down. Most likely trying to keep her emotion in check. Her hands shake as she brings the letter out in front of her, and she starts to read.

“Dear Rue,

I couldn't stop thinking about the day you were born. Holding you in my arms for the first time, looking down at you,

your sweet, beautiful face... I had never felt so much love and joy in my entire life. And I thought that... what if in that

moment I heard a voice, some omniscient narrator who said, "Here's what's going to happen. Your daughter is gonna

be funny, and smart, and outgoing, You'll see it instantly, from a young age. She’ll be charismatic and make friends

easily. She’ll be kind and sensitive. Maybe too sensitive. She won’t be an easy child. She’ll struggle and in turn, you’ll

struggle to understand her. To understand what’s going on inside her head. The night terror that can’t be interrupted.

The times after dinner where she’ll just sit at the kitchen table and count the tiles over and over, until she hyperventilates.

To fight to hold her in your arms, to tell her it’s okay. To calm down. The kicking. The screaming. The anxiety of being

harmed. The transitions from day to night, from home to school, from meal to meal. Of losing her mother or father or

little sister. Of being alone. The panic attacks, mood swings, confusion, disorganization. You’ll feel as helpless to help

her as she does herself. You’ll make mistakes. Small ones and big ones. You’ll look for help from people who aren’t helpful.

Or who don’t actually understand what’s happening. And the guilt will never leave you. But if you remain calm and patient,

if you listen closely, you’ll begin to understand her more. The counting, the repetition, the need for symmetry. That if you

kiss her left cheek before bed, you have to kiss her right cheek. And her forehead. Then her chin. That it’s about balance,

stability. The need to organize her feelings and thoughts, so… she can breathe easier. And there will be a moment of

relief… in her and in you. Moments that feel so normal and calm and rewarding that you’ll find yourself praying they last

forever. Even though she’s only a child, and all the hard parts have yet to even come”.

Leslie took a deep breath and placed the letter on the table. Everyone sat there quietly refusing to move their eyes away from the kitchen table. “So, you see Jules, Rue needs stability and if you can’t be in her life, you can’t stay. I have to pick up the pieces, I have to make sure she doesn’t quit on herself when her brain tells her it’s easier. I don’t need it to get so bad that she has to go back to relying on drugs”.

“I understand and I promise you and Rue and Gia, I’m not going anywhere”. Jules grabbed Rue’s hand under the table and gave it a quick squeeze. She turns back to Leslie. “When you talked about counting and the highs and lows, what do you mean”.

“At a young age, Rue was diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and anxiety and later was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This is why I wanted to know if you could handle being with my daughter. She will always have to rely on her medications to function”.

“I didn’t know about this, but it still doesn’t change my mind. I am willing to make it work”.

Leslie smiled “I’m glad to hear that Jules”.

For the first time since the start of the conversation Gia spoke up. “Alright can we get dessert mom?”.

“Yea I agree with G, where’s the dessert mom?”.

“Coming right up girls”.

For the first time that night, everything was lighthearted. Rue looked over to Jules and Gia laughing and hearing her mom lightly humming to herself. Maybe there can be some sort of peace in her life.

~~~~~~~~

Laying in Rue’s bed

“Well, Rue that dinner went better than I expected” Jules voiced as she sat up, bringing her knees up to her face.

“I’m sorry about my mom”.

“No, she had every right to worry, but Rue why didn’t you tell me any of this?”.

“I didn’t know how to bring it up. I can’t just say ‘oh yea Jules, I’m mentally fucked up in the head”.

“Don’t say that. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your brain just works in its own beautiful way”.

Jules was silent for a second before a thought crossed her mind “was this why you were in the hospital last year? You said that you’ve been like this your whole life”.

“Um yea, I had gotten so depressed and struggled to get out of bed for a couple of days. I couldn’t even use the bathroom and ended up having a kidney infection”.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Jules said quietly, tears starting to blur her vision. This revelation just made her feel worse. She realized that she never knew the signs and was ultimately a bad girlfriend. She focused more on herself than on Rue. She has to try better this time, they both do.

Jules didn’t realize she was deep in thought until she felt moving her hair behind her ear. “Hey… hey Jules come back to me”.

“Oh sorry, lost in thought”.

“About what” Rue questioned.

“Rue I want it to work this time. We both need to work with each other and be honest. Like Rue if you need me, I’m a text away and I’ll come as fast as my bike can take me, okay”.

Rue smiled “Okay, promise”.

“Okay, good”.

Rue gets up from the bed and makes her way to her closet. She turns back to Jules “Do you want a shirt for bed?”.

“Yes please”.