Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kokichi knows about Shuichi’s off-days.

To say they were stressful was sometimes an understatement.

There were days when Shuichi would be his normal, shy and anxious self, hiding behind that hat of his ever since after the game (He’s spiraled back into his hat, disappointingly), no longer allowing the world to see him as the beauty he was. But then there were also days where his mind would run…rampant. Times that he could barely keep himself together, where he couldn’t stay organized in that mess of a brain.

Kokichi has seen these off-days more than he was able to do anything about them, because Shuichi’s friends always ended up being one step ahead of him. And it frustrated him, because he couldn’t do anything, he didn’t know what to do. Shuichi just wasn’t the type of person he was used to taking care of, unlike people like DICE.

Shuichi pushed people away then, he chose to be closed off, he chose to not be a ‘burden’ as said person described it. And yet at the same time, he needed someone to be there, needed someone to keep watch of him.

Because when he’s off the deep end…things get a bit scary.

It’s hard to calm down a panicking Shuichi on his off-days, and Kokichi would have normally stood back and let the others handle him, again. But no, not this time. They weren’t there, a case of bad timing, if you will.

Kaede was in her room a whole floor up, Kaito off for therapy, Maki doing whatever bullshit he couldn’t care about. None of the doctors were even around to help. So it was just him and Shuichi, the panicked boy on the other side of the door, that Kokichi was having trouble getting the courage to go through.

It was anxiety inducing, even for Kokichi. Because he’s never seen more than a glimpse of Shuichi fully spiraling before his friends would take him to the safety of his room. He was inexperienced, he was clueless and didn’t know what he should even be doing.

He couldn’t help but flinch each time a crash came from Shuichi’s room.

This was one of his worst days, wasn’t it?

Inhaling a shaky breath, Kokichi steeled himself, fist curled tight as he knocked on the door briskly. The noise stopped in an instant, causing his breath to hitch inaudibly, twitching in his wheelchair.

Light footsteps, wobbly, uncertain. They made their way over to the door, knob slowly turning as it creaked open the slightest bit, Kokichi stretching himself to see through the gap.

“Saihara-chan?” He muttered, the darkness beyond not allowing to see anything at the moment. “What’s with all the crazy noise? If anything, I would have thought a bear attacked you or something-!”

The eye that shot open in the darkness almost gave him a heart attack.

Praying to God Shuichi never noticed the cut off of his speech, he could hear the taller one’s labored breath as he blinked that one bloodshot eye.

“...”

He didn’t say anything.

“Man, not even gonna greet me with a hello? Ugh! I feel so offended, y’know!” Kokichi puffed, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his wheelchair. His mind was drawing up a few blanks on what to do, Shuichi’s barely made any emotional reaction yet, he couldn’t do anything without something to base from.

“......” The other continued to remain silent, but he simply left Ouma’s sight, the door falling more ajar as the light footsteps moved away. It was the only indication Ouma was given to be let in, so he took cover with a covered up haste, pushing the door the rest of the way open and rolling inside.

Shuichi’s room was a mess. That’s the first thing he noticed.

The lamp was on the floor, the bulb shattered casting everything in near darkness, and the entire desk had gone with it. It’s a miracle how Kokichi, nonetheless Shuichi, could see through all this. The table was flipped and the bedsheets were strewn everywhere. Stray articles of clothing were messed up, some pushing into corners.

The entire bed was moved to the opposite side of the room, even. There were some papers that should have been used as some stress relief device, but they were torn up and chucked everywhere, along with the crayons, pencils and erasers that were supposed to go with it. And sat right there on the bed was Shuichi, laying down with his back to Kokichi.

He looked dead, almost.

Kokichi let out a short whistle, glancing around the room as he slowly approached Shuichi. “Damn, Saihara-chan! You really redecorated this place, huh?” He tried to smile, despite Shuichi being incapable of seeing it. It didn’t really work.

Once he was close enough, Kokichi leaned forward, tilting his head to try and see the expression on Shuichi’s face.

It was blank. Blank slated.

It actually surprised Kokichi for once, the fact that Shuichi had it in him to completely pull a blank on his face, and he had to wonder for a moment if this was what people saw whenever he didn’t know what emotion to drown in, and leave his own face expressionless as well.

He seemed to be staring into a whole other world, he didn't even seem like he was completely there. And maybe he wasn’t, maybe he really wasn’t there. He probably hadn’t heard Kokichi either.

What was even the main cause of Shuichi’s off-days? Was it the killing game? Well, that’s the most obvious answer, but…He felt like there was something more, something else he wasn’t getting at, something he hadn't yet seen. The gut feeling was strong, he needed to act on it.

Kokichi let out a sigh, dropping his act momentarily to put a hand on Shuichi’s shoulder, shaking it slightly. “Saihara-Chan. Shumai. Shu-chan? Saiharaaaaa.” He continued, trying to grab the other’s attention.

It took a bit, maybe a minute too long for Kokichi’s patience. But Saihara finally responded, blinking slowly as he looked at Kokichi, only to look away again, hastily so. He was reacting a lot slower, floating in and out of reality, completely different to the wild crashing he heard before.

Was he always like this around people, and like that when he’s alone? God, what would Kaede do at this time?

“...” He wasn’t talking at all, not a peep out of him since Kokichi came, it was starting to grate on his nerves. Out of worry or frustration he still has yet to decide.

Leaning back a bit, Kokichi wracked his head for some kind of solution, something to switch Shuichi’s attention to. It would be best to not leave him in his own head, if he had to be honest.

Maybe he could show him something on the phone Kokichi was given last week? Sure, a lot of (very convincing) fake begging had to go into it, but if it could calm Shuichi down, he might as well try.

So, pulling the phone that sat in the pocket of his hospital gown, Kokichi placed it on the bed, struggling a bit as he hoisted himself up. All the while Shuichi refused to move an inch, once more lost in the void of his own mind.

Kokichi scrolled through his saved videos, humming a mindless tune as a small attempt to calm his own heart from being exposed to such a frozen, expressionless Shuichi. Was this how he coped or something? Or was he spiraling more as the seconds went by?

The latter thought made him scowl for a moment, grip on his phone tightening like the grip Shuichi’s poor condition had over his heart.

He stopped immediately when he found a video.

Maybe he stared at it for a minute too long, internally debating if this would be good or not. It was a stupid video, but one that he really liked nonetheless. He didn’t know if Shuichi would like it though, but he could still try, right? (But seriously, did he even like this stuff? Who doesn’t? Then again, Shuichi was almost as unpredictable as Kokichi himself.)

Kokichi huffed, pressing the video and setting his phone down next to Shuichi, using the extra pillow the other abandoned to hold it up. It was quiet for a few moments, Kokichi flitting his eyes between the screen and Shuichi, until…

“ Meow! ”

Shuichi flinched ever so slightly, eyes refocusing on the rampant meows and purrs of cats on screen. A funny cat video.

Kokichi grinned a bit, pulling his legs up with his arms as he scooted closer to Shuichi. “Wooow, a cute little cat video! When did that get there??” Kokichi mocked surprised, feeling his heart swell a little as Shuichi sat up just the tiniest bit more.

Kokichi let out an inaudible sigh, sitting behind Shuichi as he had the absent mind to also watch the little video, watching those little kittens be fools and get in stupidly funny situations, he couldn’t help but find it entertaining.

“Hehe…stupid kitty…”

Yup, Kokichi’s heart melted at that.

He desperately refused the urge to coo at that as Shuichi giggled quietly, leaning his head back into Kokichi’s thigh without much thought.

Kokichi glanced at him a few times, watching his little ahoge bounce every time his shoulders shook with a breathy laugh. At least the poor boy was finally showing some kind of reaction.

So this is how it continued for the fifteen minutes that the video was playing, even if it was at least an hour long, the two generally stayed in silence apart from a few stray chuckles here and there.

That was until he heard Shuichi hum, and lean back a bit.

…When had he started petting the other’s hair?

Shuichi’s eyes fell shut for a few moments as he sighed softly, Kokichi subconsciously combing through his dark locks. And maybe Kokichi didn’t mind this, if only to be a little closer to Shuichi, to help him and keep his attention off what was bothering him. He wouldn’t pry, that’s for sure. Because whatever the hell it was bothering him, Kokichi knew he wouldn’t get his answer that way.

But, it seems Saihara beat him to it.

“I’m sorry.” Kokichi glanced down at the other, who’s eyes stayed glued to the screen before him. “Sorry? You better be, Saihara-chan! I wasted aaalll my precious time for you, anyways!” Kokichi stressed his words, making it obvious it was all a lie.

“I’m still sorry though,” Mumbled the ex-detective, but made no attempt to move. “I didn’t…I didn’t mean to bother you. I-...I was…having problems.”

Kokichi remained silent, slowly beginning to braid a few bits of Shuichi’s hair as the other continued. “I couldn’t stop…couldn’t stop thinking.” He muttered out. “About the Killing Game?” Kokichi assumed. “Not just that. Just…thinking in general.”

Kokichi raised a brow at that, but simply hummed as a way to tell him to continue. “...I can’t organize my thoughts. It’s hard.” He finally revealed, slowly turning his head to Kokichi, the little liar letting the braided strand go as Shuichi turned around, the noises from the video slowly seeping into the background.

“Do you know what it’s like? To be so…scrambled?” Kokichi….he doesn’t know. He really doesn’t. Having been a Supreme Leader, sure some things can get difficult, but his mind was like a web of endless possibilities. Stringing together probabilities, routes like a videogame for the taking. Everything he could think of, sorted into categories, a second nature he takes pride in.

The fact that Shuichi doesn’t have that is more than concerning, seeing as he used to be a Detective and all. So, for once, Kokichi shook his head no, because no, he didn’t understand, even now, his thoughts weren’t all over the place. He was collected, not calm, but collected nonetheless.

Shuichi sighed, pressing his face into Kokichi’s hip as tears pricked his eyes. “It feels like my thoughts are screaming at me. I can’t…I can’t-can’t focus. Everything’s a mess and it hurts…my head hurts.” The taller one rambled into Kokichi’s side.

Funny to start feeling sympathetic now of all times, but Kokichi did.

Rubbing his back in a half-assed attempt at comfort, Kokichi glanced at Shuichi’s tears, his heart swelling for the other just a bit more as Shuichi shuddered.

“In…In the Killing Game. I had a...coping method…I think. Maybe.”

Kokichi rose a brow.

“It…it was stupid. Really stupid.” Kokichi didn’t try to say anything about how self-deprecating those statements were. “A…s-stupid little game. Psyche Taxi..’n Logic Dive…Hangman’s Gambit, too. Can’t explain it…it’s hard.” Psyche Taxi? Logic Dive? At least he’s heard of something similar to Hangman’s Gambit before.

They were confusing sounding games to say the least, but Kokichi definitely isn’t the one to judge that, considering his own confusing games.

“Woooow, you’re totally right! That sounds like the dumbest stuff I’ve ever heard!” Kokichi tried to sound genuine, but he honestly sounded more dead than he’d ever thought he would. Maybe it was because Shuichi no longer had his coping mechanism, that he didn’t want to overwhelm him, maybe he was stupid enough to not have the heart to sound anywhere near realistic.

Oh, the things he did for love.

Shuichi huffed, clutching onto the sheets that Kokichi drew over them to the best of his abilities. Letting out a sigh himself, Kokichi spoke up. “So, let me get this straight, or gay if you will-” Shuichi snorted lightly at that.

“You have these little games in your head that you used to organize whatever crazy thoughts entered that ever-running brain of yours, but now you can’t use that and it’s fucking with you?”

The only thing he got in response was a little nod. Okay, that’s good-not the situation, obviously not seeing as from what Kokichi could deduce, these things were really important to him, but at least Kokichi knew why he was always so scrambled, even when they first got medical care and Kokichi saw Shuichi for the first time.

Honestly, he felt stupid for not noticing it earlier. The way Shuichi was always going in and out of…something, like he’s trying and failing to think, to collect his thoughts. He stuttered more often, was caught off guard easier, hell, Kokichi should have suspected something every time Shuichi went silent like that for extended periods during class trials!

But now that he did know…what was he supposed to do?

“...Sorry for rambling.” Shuichi was the one to break Kokichi out of his musings, the other looking down at him in confusion as the other only clutched the sheets tighter. “Shouldn’t…shouldn’t have…have r-rambled.”

It was getting harder for him to talk as the seconds passed, no doubt those chaotic thoughts he didn’t seem to have control over were acting up again, clouding his head and disorienting him from reality.

And for once, Kokichi wasn’t going to let this slide.

“That’s a stupid thing to apologize for.” Shuichi scrunched his face when hearing that blank tone, but if Kokichi tried to even so much as speak a little happier, he didn’t think it’d sound the least bit truthful. Shuichi always seemed to take him more seriously with a blank tone of voice, in which he’d never admit he appreciates.

“It ain’t even your fault, Saihara.” He muttered, tilting his head back to stare forward, not risking looking Shuichi in the eyes for the comfort of his beloved. “I…I don’t know what to do…though. Heh, surprising huh?”

He absentmindedly took in the way Shuichi curled his legs around his own disabled ones.

Kokichi just continued.

“This is gonna be the most truthful shit I’ll ever say to you, so get comfy and listen well, Saihara.” he sighed out a breathy laugh as Shuichi scooted closer with hesitance, one hand slowly beginning to play with Kokichi’s fingers. It was…reassuring, oddly enough.

“I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t help you the way your friends do-I don’t know how to. But if I did know, I would have done so in a heartbeat. You’re an interesting person, one I…wouldn’t want to see suffer. I never…n-never knew you’d be in this kind of pain.” Kokichi licked his lips, resisting the urge to scream out ‘it’s a lie!’ to say something ridiculous- anything .

Shuichi didn’t deserve that. Not at such a time as this.

“Whatever you need, I’ll provide for you. You might not notice, I don’t…don’t want you to notice. But for tonight, I’m all yours. There’s no reason to hide that anymore, but it’s not like I’ll stop. Just…just tell me what you want, and I’ll do my best to provide…f-for you.”

It was silent for a much longer time than Kokichi would say he felt comfortable with, beads of sweat running down his brow as he waited for a response.

“Anything?” Saihara finally asked.

“Anything.” Was his response.

“Even if I ask you to stop lying?” He could hear the doubt in Shuichi’s voice, and for that, it was understandable. This was Kokichi, the lying, tiny bastard of a man who sent three people to their deaths indirectly and lied about it, lied about how he felt, about being the mastermind, about not caring for any of them. And yet…

“I’ll try.” was his response. He’d give up so much, even if it were impossible, he’d give up as much as he could for Shuichi, and even if it meant giving up lying-

“Oh noo…don’t do that.”

Kokichi paused.

“I like your lies.”

He could feel his face burn.

Shuichi liked his lies, his lies of all things. Why? Didn’t it give him a headache? Wasn’t he always exhausted having to sift through all his misbeliefs to find the truth he was so determined to grab?

“Aww, have you gotten better at lying, Shumai? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Kokichi uttered, his voice just a few notches louder than Shuichi’s.

“No...no, no. I like it. I like it a lot.” Shuichi babbled, yet he didn’t seem to have enough mental energy to come up with a convincing speech as to why, so he simply continued to babble on about how he ‘liked it’ and preferred for Kokichi to ‘keep lying to him’.

And Kokichi had never wanted to cry so many happy tears in his life.

“Alright, you need sleep, Shumai. No more eyebags for the detective!” Kokichi huffed, taking his phone that was still playing and finally pausing the video, a soft whine of ‘but the kitties..’ from the taller being the only complaint as he placed it on the nightstand.

Kokichi prepped himself to move back into his wheelchair, only to be stopped by an arm limply wrapped around his waist, tugging uselessly as if it would do something. But the smaller boy stopped anyways, looking over at Shuichi who was hesitant staring up at him, gambogeish gray eyes reflecting in tints of blues and golds as a soft whisper of wind rustled the curtains from the open windows, finally allowing more light in to see each other properly.

God, why did Kokichi love this man so much?

Those glorious glowing eyes in the moonshine, cheeks rosy red as Shuichi tugged a few more times, trying to get the message across to a Kokichi who was stunned-silly by such a beautiful sight. Those beautifully long eyelashes batted against his cheeks as Shuichi tilted his head, opening those pure lips for a moment as he tried to find something to say, scrunching up his face so cutely as he struggled a bit.

Kokichi knew, he just knew the next words that would come out of the detective’s mouth, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to say no, he knew he wouldn’t be able to bullshit his way out of it, not when the love of his life is laying there, giving him the opportunity of his lifetime . A choice Kokichi never thought he would be able to experience.

“Stay with me, please..?”

Kokichi didn’t think twice.

“Hah, you really thought I was just gonna up and leave my beloved? All alone in this darkness?? I ain’t a monster!” Kokichi spoke excessively as he buried himself under the sheets with Shuichi, the other smiling a giggly smile that turned Kokichi to nothing but lovesick putty.

The taller boy pressed his face into Kokichi’s chest, a face that looked so content, so finally at peace as Kokichi softly stroked his hair, ghosting over the messy braid he created before as one other arm wrapped around Shuichi.

He watched Shuichi slowly lose himself to the concept of sleep, his breath evening out like the pulses of his heart. And Kokichi couldn’t help but think that he did it. He helped Shuichi. He did something good for once. Shuichi benefited off of Kokichi, as did Kokichi benefit off of Shuichi.

Now, he knew what to do. Now, he knew the problem. What was constantly keeping Shuichi up at night, forcing him to spiral.

“Your Mind’s Your Enemy, Saihara-Chan.” Kokichi couldn’t help but mumble. “But you know I’m going to help you. You…know that…”

And so, with a heart full of love, full of achievement, his mind rewarded him with dreams of honey-lavender giggles and beautiful gambogeish eyes, reflecting every color imaginable.

And Kokichi couldn’t ask for anything more.