Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sunghoon has known Jake since they were kids. They have been through thick and thin, everything you could want in two best friends. Sunghoon didn’t think anything could take them down, as long as they had each other. Usually, the passage of time breaks down relationships faster than other means, and Sunghoon has known Jake since they were 7. If time couldn’t stop them, then Sunghoon had no reason to think anything else could. That was his first mistake. He had found security in something that could change any moment. Friendships could be the strongest thing you can have with someone, but they all have a glaring flaw. Humans are humans, they can get hurt very easily. They waver, and with the supports of a structure shaking, no matter how strong of a building, it can tumble and shatter. 

Sunghoon would do anything for Jake, anything at all. He is his best friend, his ride or die, his soulmate. He‘s Jake, Sunghoon’s number one. If Jake simply wished for it, Sunghoon would comply without a single thought. So when Jake had asked Sunghoon one night, in Sunghoon’s apartment surrounded by the stench of weed along with beer cans, if he wanted to have sex, Sunghoon didn’t think twice before saying yes. That night was burned in Sunghoon’s memory, even though he was tipsy and high out of his mind, the taste of cheap beer still fresh on his tongue along with the strawberry from Jake’s chapstick. The next morning he tried to convince himself that it was the influence, but there was no influence the second time, nor the third, nor the 15th. 

It was obvious something had to be said, every arrangement done wordlessly with nothing but the soft tells of each other’s eyes and the trailing of each other’s hands. 

“Shouldn’t there be some rules?” Jake had asked one night. They hadn’t done anything, and Sunghoon didn’t think they were planning on it.

“Rules?” Sunghoon asked, grabbing a glass of juice from the fridge. Jake shrugged.

“Doesn’t that stuff usually have rules?” 

Sunghoon hummed, 

“I suppose so, but I can’t think of any.”

Jake rested his cheek on the coffee table, refusing to sit on the couch in favor of the floor.

“How about no strings attached?” Jake suggested. Sunghoon tilted his head.

“You don’t want one of us to fall in love?” Sunghoon clarified, and Jake sat up and nodded before sighing.

“I love you, Hoon, I really do, but I like what we have now. I don’t want…this to ruin it, you know? You’re my best friend, I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” Jake explained, a little bashful, but his words touched Sunghoon.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to lose you too.'“

They shared a couple laughs and Jake left a little after. Sunghoon didn’t think much of it at the time, but as time did its thing and passed with little regard, he started thinking about that day more and more. He lets out a bitter laugh.

How could he tell Jake that he did end up losing his best friend?

Jake was right, feelings would ruin their friendship and it did. Sunghoon was a fool to believe that he didn’t have feelings for Jake every time he let himself be taken in a bedroom by him. What idiot would believe that? Sunghoon’s heart wavered and shook, and as one of the pillars of his and Jake’s friendship, unbeknownst to Jake, their friendship broke. 

A lot of things that were so concrete before revert back to cement. Did Sunghoon always like Jake? Jake is his best friend but only a fool would agree to sex so easily. If he had laughed and called out his bluff, maybe he would believe he didn’t always have feelings for him, But he didn’t, not once. Maybe somewhere in his heart, he loved Jake more than just friends and the sex just made it click. That sounds horrible, but at the same time, it doesn’t sound wrong. Something in Sunghoon also wants to believe that the love he feels is lust or maybe infatuation, that maybe the passion of sex had made him think he was in love. 

But the urge to hold Jake’s hand isn’t fake, and Sunghoon desperately wants to share at least one kiss with Jake. He wants to be loved, and having sex with Jake somehow still feels cold even when he’s warm all over. It only got worse when Sunghoon found out about him.

Lee Heeseung.

It was embarrassing how Sunghoon learned of him, Jake moaning his name instead of Sunghoon’s, killing Sunghoon’s boner immediately because what the fuck? He was a guy that Jake had a crush on, the two of them in the same Advanced Physics class and Heeseung had asked him for help.

“He has the prettiest eyes, Sunghoon, god he’s beautiful.” Jake had gushed and Sunghoon tried his best, he really did. 

“He must be with how much you’re talking about him.” Sunghoon teased, punching Jake’s arm even though his teeth were clenched and his mouth tasted bitter. Jake blushed and Sunghoon felt sick. He even cheered him on, like a self-deprecating idiot. He excused himself to the bathroom, giving his heart a break after being battered over and over again. He couldn’t help but think, the bile building up in his throat that he forced down, how long has Jake known Heeseung? How long has he liked Heeseung? 

How long has he imagined Sunghoon was Heeseung when they were together?

Humiliation washed over Sunghoon like a scorching summer day, Sunghoon reaching over for the faucet and dunking his head under the cold water, but nothing could quell the embarrassment that engulfed Sunghoon’s body to the point he felt like he was choking. Sunghoon took a shower to excuse his wet hair, but he took the coldest one he could. 

It brings Sunghoon back to today, where he’s seated in front of Heeseung and Jake, a fake smile pressed on his lips.

“Sunghoon, this is Heeseung-hyung and hyung, this is Sunghoon, my best friend.”

Sunghoon reaches out his hand and Heeseung takes it, Sunghoon willing his grip to be firm and unassuming.

“Nice to meet you, Heeseung-ssi.” Sunghoon greets and Heeseung lets out a bubbly laugh.

“Please call me hyung, you don’t need to be formal with me.” he smiles gently and Sunghoon tries to match it with his own friendly one, hoping that his lips don’t tremble. 

“Alright, hyung it is.”

Heeseung is a hard person to hate. Sunghoon tried and couldn’t for the life of him. The love of his life is in love with this man and Sunghoon can’t find it in him to hate him. He was perfect, the definition of the perfect man. He’s tall, lean but muscular, pouty lips with a perfect nose, and Jake was right, he does have the prettiest eyes. He was funny, making Sunghoon laugh even when he didn’t want to, and Sunghoon wanted to die. Sunghoon hated himself more than he hated Heeseung, hated himself for being able to understand why Jake would leave Sunghoon in a heartbeat if it meant spending one  night with Heeseung. It hurt meeting the man that dropped Sunghoon to second place in Jake’s heart.

20 minutes in and Sunghoon can easily chalk up this day as one of the worst days of Sunghoon’s life. It’s painful to watch Jake look at Heeseung like he has the universe sitting in his eyes, It gets so bad that Sunghoon has to make up some bullshit and say that he has another arrangement.

“You’re leaving so soon?” Heeseung asks, and Sunghoon didn’t know how to say that he’s in love with his best friend who is in love with him, so the blatant heart eyes he’s giving him is making Sunghoon mentally unwell. 

“Yeah, I have to meet with a friend.” Sunghoon had no one waiting for him, but he would rather be in the deepest pits of a volcano than be here, so he gathers his things and leaves the café without a second to spare. 

Sunghoon finds out that night that Jake had a wonderful day with Heeseung, that the two hit the arcade and Heeseung even gave him his tickets so Jake could bring him a huge stuffed dog. Sunghoon thought the dog was cute but he still wanted to kick it to the curb because it was essentially the outcome of Heeseung and Jake’s pseudo date. Jake ended up giving the stuffed dog to Sunghoon, because he felt bad he couldn’t get Sunghoon anything after he left. Sunghoon is an idiot and a sucker for anything Jake related and takes the dog, even if it has remnants of Heeseung all over it. Sunghoon sat it at the end of his bed before he went to sleep and he woke up to it on the floor. He leaves it there and goes on with his life.

He fully expected Jake to stop sleeping with him, but Jake came to Sunghoon’s flat one night and wordlessly pressed himself against him, mouth searching for everything but his lips, and Sunghoon let him, pulling him close because he was chasing this from Jake. A simulation of what it would be like to be loved by Jake. Bitterly, he thinks that this is a fraction of what it would be like if he was Heeseung, and realizes that Jake is probably imagining Heeseung on top of him and not Sunghoon. 

“If you like Heeseung-hyung, why are you still up for this?” Sunghoon asks, rolling back his shoulders and leaning on his palms, watching Jake come out of the bathroom after just showering. Jake blinks and then shrugs.

“We’re not that serious, so I don’t see why we should stop.”

It seems so easy for Jake to say that, as if he isn’t crushing Sunghoon’s heart more and more. Jake is so unaware that Sunghoon sighs heavily and lies on his back. Jake sits beside him.

“What is it?” he asks. Sunghoon glances at him, face flushed from the shower and one of Sunghoon’s towels around his neck, He even smells like Sunghoon, the scent of his shampoo and conditioner shrouding Sunghoon’s senses. It is Sunghoon’s shampoo and conditioner, but it’s different when it’s on Jake. Sunghoon sighs again. He is adorable and Sunghoon is helplessly in love

“Nothing, you’re just dumb.” Dumb for not realizing Sunghoon’s feelings for him. Jake hits his shoulder and whines, but Sunghoon pays him little mind.

This process is numbing, Sunghoon wondering if the sex is worth it because all it does is hurt him. Jake has a ‘date’ with Heeseung, the word date in air quotes because Jake refuses to consider it a date. Sunghoon laughed when he told him, but he did wish he was the one to take Jake out to some nice place and be able to call him nice things, like calling him “pretty” because Jake is one of the prettiest people he has ever met. Sunghoon has seen every part of him and he can’t help but love him more and more, burning every detail to memory because he feels that one day he won’t be able to see it.

Sunghoon trusts Jake. Even if Jake ever gets to know of Sunghoon’s feels, he wouldn’t leave him. Jake is too nice, too soft to ever leave Sunghoon, but the fact that their friendship has cracked will be revealed and Sunghoon doesn’t know if it will ever be repaired.

Sunghoon regrets this a lot. He regrets agreeing to this, he regrets ever having feelings for Jake and breaking the one rule he was never meant to break. Something in him knows that he should stop, but at the same time, he doesn’t know if he can. This has gone one for almost a year now. Sunghoon was too far into the deep end to swim up, so he let himself drown. The tunnel is dark from both sides so Sunghoon could only wander blindly until he finds a way out, but he knows it’s going to take him a while. 

This has to end, but something cold stabs his chest when he considers it. Sex, as horrible as it sounds, seems to be the only way Sunghoon can stay close with Jake. His feelings burn deep until it sears his skin and brands it with the shame one gets when you fall in love with your own best friend. 

Sunghoon goes to the bar, the same night as Jake’s date, just so he could forget and lose himself somewhere else that isn’t his own head. He sits on a stool, listlessly staring into the crowd with an empty glass in his hand. He feels nice, muddled enough that the songs booming from the speakers drown out his thoughts perfectly. 

“I’d never thought I’d see someone like you here.”

Sunghoon looks over and he watches as a man slides up beside him. His hair is black styled off his forehead and his side profile consists of sharp eyes, a perfectly-sloped nose, and jawline that is just the right angle. He doesn’t sit on the next stool, but rather, standing in between the next stool and Sunghoon’s. Even so, there is still a comfortable amount of space between them. Sunghoon hums.

“And what would someone like me be?” he humors him, wanting to see what the man would say. Maybe if he’s lucky, he might flirt with him.

“Pretty, very pretty.” 

Bingo.

He looks at Sunghoon and smiles, only one corner of his lips quirked. His features soften out to be more boyish, and Sunghoon could tell he’s around his age. Sunghoon lets go of his glass and leans on the counter, eyebrow raised and cheek resting against his palm.

“Can a pretty person not enjoy a nice couple of drinks at a bar?” Sunghoon asks. The stranger shakes his head.

“Not alone, at least.” He gets a little closer and his hips bump into Sunghoon’s knees. Sunghoon doesn’t pull away.

“Then will you keep me company?” 

The stranger smirks.

“That was the plan.”

Sunghoon finds out his name is Jay, and Jay talks a lot. His previous cool exterior sheds off the more drinks he has, and he becomes more bubbly, spouting random bouts of knowledge and Sunghoon finds him cute and amusing. He gets a little handsy, though Sunghoon isn’t sure if he’s doing it on purpose, with how much his eyes are shining as he talks about how the egg came before the chicken. 

“Sunghoon, the egg has to have come first, reptiles were the first land animals and they laid eggs.” he said with his hand firmly on Sunghoon upper thigh. It made Sunghoon warm and tingly, and he even reached to hold Jay’s hand so Jay didn't try to grab another sip of his drink, subtly telling the bartender to take it away as Jay rambled. When his head becomes more clear, Jay notices their hands and he blushes. He pulls away gently and blushes.

“Sorry, I didn’t notice my hands.” he apologizes, eyes averted. Sunghoon has a hard time grasping that the guy who approached him and the guy that in front of him right now are the same person,

“It’s ok.” Sunghoon laughed. “Do you always get touchy when you drink?” Sunghoon teases, Jay smirking in response.

“Only with people I find attractive.” 

There he is.

“You think I’m attractive?” Sunghoon asks with feigned innocence.

Jay rolls his eyes but he plays along.

“I believe one of the first things I said to you was that you’re pretty.” Jay says. Sunghoon smiles.

“I know I just wanted to hear it again.”

Jay chuckles but he leans in closer, making himself room in between Sunghoon’s thighs before whispering into his ear.

“I can call you pretty all night if you’d let me.” 

Sunghoon’s legs trembled and he swears that if he wasn’t in a chair, his knees would’ve buckled and he would’ve fallen. Sunghoon rested his hands on Jay’s shoulders and leaned in those couple centimeters before pressing a kiss into his lips, pulling away quickly and leaving Jay wanting for more.

“Sounds like my kind of night.”

Sex with Jay was probably what Jake felt like when he had sex with Sunghoon. It was pure, unadulterated heat, nothing weighing on Sunghoon’s chest uncomfortably. No cold shivers from wisps of regret and sadness that he has to chase away with more heat. It was what sex without feelings ought to feel like, and Sunghoon can see why Jake finds it so addicting. 

Jay offers Sunghoon to spend the night, but it wasn’t much of a choice because Sunghoon couldn’t move. Sunghoon agreed and said he will be out of his way in the morning, Jay telling him there’s no rush. Jay is very nice, nice in a way that reminds him of Heeseung. Incredibly accommodating. Sunghoon tastes that familiar bitterness in his mouth.

“What’s wrong?” Jay’s voice shakes Sunghoon out of his thoughts. Sunghoon blinks up at Jay, who’s sitting on the side of the bed with a water bottle in his hand. 

“What do you mean?” Sunghoon asks. Jay shrugs.

“You made a face. Like you ate something really sour.” Jay explains.

Sunghoon blushes. 

“It’s nothing.” Sunghoon quickly covers up. Jay raises an eyebrow.

“I know we just met, but talking about your problems always helps.” 

Sunghoon considers it for a moment.

“I’m not drunk enough to trauma dump on a stranger yet.” 

Jay quirks one side of his lip.

“If you shower, we can crack open a couple more beers.” Jay offers. Sunghoon looks at him for a second before forcing himself to get up.

“Deal.”

Safe to say, it was not a good idea.

“Jay, you don’t understand, how can he be so oblivious to my feelings? God it’s so painful seeing him make baby eyes at Heeseung-hyung when I’m literally right here! I’m the one making baby eyes at him! Why can’t he see that?” Sunghoon bellows as he lays himself across Jay’s floor, a can of beer still in his hand. Jay takes a long sip from his can.

“Maybe because he’s too busy making ‘baby eyes’ at this Heeseung guy.” Jay replies, causing Sunghoon to tear up. Jay rushes over. “Shit, sorry, that was rhetorical, but I just had to answer.” Jay reaches over to his bedside table for his tissue box and grabs some to wipe Sunghoon’s face, who’s debilitated from sadness and alcohol.

“No, you’re right. He’s too focused on Heeseung-hyung to even notice my feelings.” Sunghoon pushes himself up and his lips tremble as Jay wipes his still falling tears. He’s too drunk to try and stop them. “He only uses me for sex and I let him because I’m fucking stupid and I-!”

“Ok!” Jay cuts him off. “This is starting to get self-deprecating so I’m going to have to stop you there.” Jay wipes the last of his tears, but Sunghoon’s cheeks are still damp and sticky. Jay carefully takes the beer can away from Sunghoon and eases Sunghoon up, leading him to the bed. “Let’s call it a night, yeah?”

Sunghoon only nodded. Jay laid Sunghoon down and even tucked him in, Sunghoon wanting to fight because he’s not a kid and he can bring the blanket up to his chin on his own if he wants to, but Jay smooths the blanket over him with enough pressure that makes Sunghoon feel relaxed. Jay gets up and starts to leave and Sunghoon watches as he turns off the lights and opens the door.

“Where are you going?“ Sunghoon calls before Jay can leave. Jay looks over and shrugs.

“To the couch?”

Sunghoon narrows his eyes.

“For what.”

“To…sleep?”

Sunghoon rolls his eyes before rolling over and lifting up the blanket.

“Get in, there’s enough room for the both of us.” The bed is actually huge, along with Jay’s apartment in general. How Sunghoon managed to score such a fine man through a hook-up is beyond him. Jay’s eyes widened.

“You want to share the bed?” Jay blushes and Sunghoon couldn’t help but snort.

“I mean we did like a couple hours ago.” Sunghoon lilted and Jay groaned. Jay shuffles over and pulls up the covers to slip himself under. 

Jay is still a distance away from Sunghoon, so Sunghoon grabs an extra hug pillow lying on the bed and shoves it between them.

“Is that ok? God- we were just chest to chest, dick to dick, and cuddling is your breaking point.”

Jay slapped his hand over Sunghoon’s mouth.

“I get it, we fucked, but I’m still nervous about basic intimacy, okay?” Jay grumbles and Sunghoon blinks at him before taking Jay’s hand away from his mouth.

“So you’re like a mega virgin.”

“We literally just fucked.”

“A mega virgin in anything moderately romantic.”

Jay sighed.

“Ok, you know what? Good enough, that works.”

Sunghoon laughs before closing his eyes, hugging the hug pillow close.

“Night, Jay.”

Jay sighs again but it’s followed by a low chuckle.

“Night, Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon woke up that morning with his face full of Jay and encased in a pair of arms. With much effort trying to extract himself from Jay, he finds the hug pillow thrown on the floor and sad looking. 

So much for that.

Sunghoon reaches over to the bedside to check the time on his phone, finding that it’s 7 AM, and Sunghoon has a 9 AM class. He looks up his location on his phone and finds that his apartment is a 4 minute drive away, Sunghoon calling up an uber to pick him up as he collects his stuff and puts it in a reusable grocery bag that Jay had prepared for him. Before he leaves, he looks around and takes a sticky note and pen from Jay’s messy as fuck desk and writes down a note.

Thanks for the company, I really liked talking and uh…here’s my number XXX-XXX-XXXX

talk to you soon? maybe?

p.s. the sex was nice too ig

-Sunghoon 

Sunghoon gets pinged that his uber was outside the complex and leaves quietly, quickly heading down to the main floor to go outside and leave. He goes home and gets ready, going to campus for his class. He’s a little disappointed that Jay hasn’t texted him, but he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up in the first place since it was just a one-night stand. You usually don’t hang out afterwards. 

Even so, Jay was nice and gave him a lot more of his time than he probably vied for, so Sunghoon was hoping they could at least be friends. 9 AM hits and Sunghoon waits for his professor to show up. The door opens and Sunghoon looks up, expecting a short, old man to come trudging in with his too big glasses and graying hair, but he is instead with a tall man with black hair and a familiar set of sharp eyes. Sunghoon’s jaw drop as they make eye contact.

“Jay?”

Chapter Text

Jay takes a long sip of his cola.

“So the Heeseung guy you were talking about was the same Heeseung as the guy in my philosophy class? The one with the flaming red hair?”

Sunghoon nods, head directed downwards because he’s embarrassed. Yes, he did want to see Jay again, but maybe not in this exact scenario. 

“And the Jake guy is the puppy looking dude that bounces around campus like a hyperactive golden retriever?” Jay asks further, tone more unimpressed the more he talks. Sunghoon once again nodded. Jay lets out a low whistle before reaching over to grab a french fry from Sunghoon’s carton. “Good luck with that.” 

Sunghoon slammed his head onto the table, startling Jay into almost choking on his fry.

“Thanks for the encouragement, asshole.” Sunghoon grumbled. Jay chuckles.

“I’m just being realistic. Your chances would’ve been better if hyung was a dick with a nice looking face, but Heeseung-hyung is like an angel who occasionally makes dick jokes.”

A long and suffering groan ripped out of Sunghoon’s throat, the noise akin to a zombie in one of those apocalypse movies,

“I’m up against god, great, pray for me, Jay.”

Jay raised an eyebrow.

“You want me to pray to Heeseung-hyung?” 

The joke was good, great even, but fuck, does Sunghoon want to punch Jay. 

“Jay.”

“Sorry.”

Sunghoon sighs again, his cheek against the Mcdonald’s table, to which Jay reaches over to pat his head a couple times.

“Your chances are low, but that doesn’t mean they’re zero. It’s better than nothing.”

Sunghoon shot his head up and glared at Jay.

“Not helping.” he huffs and Jay laughs. 

“Sorry.” But they both know he’s not sorry at all. Sunghoon can’t stay mad, Jay’s little smile makes it impossible for Sunghoon to be upset. He knows his chances are bleak already so it’s not like Jay voicing them makes it any worse(maybe a little). Jay checks the time.

“Do you have another class today?”

Sunghoon nods.

“One more, and then I’m going to go home and cry myself to sleep.” Sunghoon murmurs, finally eating a fry after not touching his food for the past hour. His carton is less than half full, Jay being the culprit. Jay nods.

“I’ll pick you up after class then. I’m free for the rest of the day.” Jay decides. Sunghoon raises an eyebrow.

“You want to hang out with me?” 

Jay shrugs.

“Is that so bad?”

Sunghoon was taken aback. It’s been a while since he hung out with someone that wasn’t Jake. Embarrassingly enough, it was very hard for Sunghoon to make friends. Hook-ups were fine because he could use his face to do most of the talking for him, but he doesn’t mind hanging out. 

As long as it’s Jay.

“No, it’s not.” Sunghoon stands up and grabs his bag. “Sure, we can hang out. Why not?” he says it mostly to himself, but Jay smiles. 

“I’ll see you later?”

Sunghoon smiles. Jay can be a little charming, he admits.

“Yeah, see you.”

Sunghoon couldn’t sit still when he was in class. The person next to him must’ve thought he needed to pee really badly or something along the lines, because he was constantly tapping his foot and fidgeting in his seat. He even asks if he needs to use it and tells him that the professor probably wouldn’t care if he went up and went unannounced, but Sunghoon reassures him that he didn’t need to pee and that he just had something to do after class. Even though he was skeptical, the student nodded and returned his attention to the lecture. A couple minutes before class ended, he got a text.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

xxx-xxx-xxxx: Hey it’s jay

Me: so now you decide to text me

jay: Look i was late to class

jay: I totally missed the sticky note on my desk until rn

Me: ok ok

Me: i see how it is

jay: i don’t think you do

Me: anyway

Me: whyd you text me

jay: Oh yeah

jay: What room are you in

Me: the one by the broken water fountain

jay: I’ll pick you up

Me: aw how nice of you

jay: My act of chivalry is being mocked

jay: Romance is dead

Me: were you trying to romance me????

jay: No?

Me: what’s with the question mark

jay: Anyway

Me: HEY

jay: see you in a bit

Me: i-

Sunghoon is the first out of class when the bell rings and he gets startled by Jay leaning on the wall next to the door. Jay looks up when he hears him yelp and Sunghoon takes his wrist to pull him farther away from the door to make way for the crowd spilling out of the doorway. 

“You scared the shit out of me.” Sunghoon drops Jay’s wrist and Jay pockets his hands, an easy smile on his lips as he shrugs. 

“Sorry about that.” Jay chuckles, and Sunghoon sighs but he smiles.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Ready whenever you are.”

“Sunghoon?”

Sunghoon flinches and he peers behind Jay to see Jake walking up to them alone. Jay turns around too, donning a certain air of indifference, a complete 180 from the warmth Jay usually emits. Jay doesn’t say anything as Jake stops before them. Jake glances at Jay before looking at Sunghoon.

“Who’s he?” Jake nods over to Jay and Jay cuts in front of Sunghoon.

“I’m Jay, nice to meet you.” he reaches out a hand and Sunghoon can’t see the challenging smile on Jay’s lips. Jake hesitantly shakes Jay’s hand, head tilted and confused.

“Hey there, the name’s Jake.” he introduces, smiling kindly even through the confusion. Jay lets go and stands beside Sunghoon, a little behind him so Sunghoon can’t see him stare Jake down with his height as an advantage. Sunghoon smiles softly at Jake.

“Hey Jake.” His tone is unbearably soft, like cotton candy and clouds, something he isn’t aware of because he’s always this soft with Jake. Jake smiles brightly at him.

“Hey Sunghoon, ready to go home?” 

Sunghoon stiffens, his back shooting straight and lips pressed thin.

“He’s hanging out with me.” Jay steps in and pulls Sunghoon closer to him. Jake’s eyes drop to how Jay’s fingers are now looped around Sunghoon’s wrist. 

“Is that so?” Jake asks, mostly directed to Sunghoon considering how his eyes flicker up to him. Sunghoon nods.

“Yeah, we’re hanging out.” Sunghoon considered apologizing, but he quickly realized he had nothing to apologize for. He was going to hang out with a friend, nothing more nothing less. Jake nods slowly.

“I see.”

Jay pulls Sunghoon away.

“We should get going, the sun is only up for so long, you know.” Jay drawls, tugging Sunghoon with him as he walks away. Sunghoon stumbles to keep on stride, turning back to wave goodbye to Jake. Jake stiffly waves goodbye back. Sunghoon huffs at Jay.

“Did you really have to go all bird of paradise on him?”

Jay frowns.

“Are you saying that because I look like a bird?”

Sunghoon rolls his eyes.

“No, idiot, I said that because you basically squared him out and puffed your chest like one of those birds who are trying to mate.”

Jay lets out a short laugh.

“Are you implying I was trying to mate you?”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow.

“Well if you want to go into technicalities, you already did.”

Jay chokes and stops, causing Sunghoon to bump harshly against his back. Jay whips his head to him, face flushed.

“Do you have to be so blunt?”

Sunghoon grins.

“You just make it too easy,” he sings. Jay lets out a sigh, continuing to walk Sunghoon out of campus. Sunghoon makes note of how Jay’s hand slips into his, whether it was conscious or not.

“Wanna eat?” Jay asks and Sunghoon raises an eyebrow.

“Didn’t we eat earlier?”

Jay shrugs.

“I ate. You just cried about how hopeless your love for Jake is.” Jay corrected and Sunghoon’s shoulders sagged.

“Right.” 

He was a little bitter. Not at Jay, but rather at himself. He feels bad for dumping everything onto Jay when they have only just met recently. He wanted to get to know Jay, but everything happened too fast and time did that cursed thing where it didn’t give Sunghoon time to think. Jay stops and Sunghoon bumps into his back, startled out of his own thoughts. He looks at Jay and Jay is frowning and his eyes shift around. Sunghoon can feel his hand tighten around his for a second and it starts getting damp.

“Sorry.” Jay purses his lips. 

“For what?”

Jay sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to poke fun at your love for Jake, even though I, out of all people, know how hard it is for you.” 

Sunghoon wants to laugh but Jay looks too sincere and it tugs at Sunghoon’s heart just the right way so he settles for a small smile. Even though Jay’s hand is sweaty and a little gross to hold, Sunghoon pulls Jay a little closer and Jay’s breath hitches.

“Jay, did you think you upset me with what you said?” Sunghoon asks gently and keeps a close eye on how Jay’s cheeks flush a little out of embarrassment. 

Jay turns his head away from Sunghoon and nods. Sunghoon chuckles. 

“I wasn’t upset at you, I promise.” 

Jay glances at him from the corner of his eye.

“Really?”

Sunghoon nods, a fond smile pressed on his lips,

“Really.”

Jay’s cheeks are still flowered pink, but he smiles and his eyes brighten.

“That’s good.” Jay looks like he wants to say something else but he doesn’t and turns away, leading them to some place Sunghoon doesn’t know. Sunghoon wants to ask for what Jay wanted to say, but he doesn’t, letting other words spill out of his lips instead.

“Can we wipe our hands, they’re kinda gross.” 

Jay yanks his hand away and wipes it on his pants, but his hand immediately looks for Sunghoon’s after.

-

Jay took Sunghoon to this hole in the wall ramen place that looked hella shady, but ended up being the best food he has ever tried in his life.

“I found this place after messing around with some friends one night back in high school. I locked myself out of my car and decided to eat here while I waited for the cops to get my keys.” Jay explained when Sunghoon asked. The owners gave Sunghoon a complementary plate of fried dumplings and Sunghoon considered living there, 

“Where are we going now?” The sun still hasn’t even begun setting yet, and Sunghoon felt like Jay wasn’t planning on letting Sunghoon go home early. Jay points to some off direction over his shoulder.

“Wanna go to the arcade down the street?” Jay suggests and Sunghoon nods.

“Sounds fun.”

It was fun. For Jay.

“Wow you’re actually shit.” Jay snarled after watching Sunghoon fumble with a basketball. Sunghoon had missed the hoop five times in a row, and Jay is having the time of his life. “The space is so narrow, I don’t know how you are able to mess up so many times.”

Sunghoon huffs and chucks the ball at Jay’s direction.

“You do it then.” Sunghoon steps out from in front of the machine and Jay takes his place.

“Gladly.”

Jay wasn’t necessarily good at the game. If anything, he was pretty average, but compared to Sunghoon, he was godly. This gave Jay the biggest ego boost.

“Did you see that? I tripled your score.” Jay hums, waiting for the machine to dispense their tickets. Sunghoon rolled his eyes.

“You’re good at a game made for kids. Good for you.”

Jay grabs their string of tickets, neatly folding them to make a little stack in his hand.

“It’s a game for kids, yet you’re atrocious at it.” 

Sunghoon kicks the back of Jay’s knee and Jay stumbles. Sunghoon got a little giggle out of Jay’s expression.

“Let’s go to the whack-a-mole machine.” Sunghoon says before Jay could yell at him. Jay follows behind Sunghoon, standing beside him as Sunghoon slots some coins into the machine and waits for the game to start up. He grips the hammer tightly and glances at Jay. Jay meets his gaze and flinches when he sees Sunghoon’s knuckles whiten from how tight he was gripping the rubber hammer. He holds his hands up in surrender.

“Don’t hit me, hit the moles.” he half jokes, but a bead of sweat drops down the side of his head.

Sunghoon looks down at the machine.

“You look like a mole.” he murmurs. Jay squawks.

“Excuse me?!”

The game starts and Sunghoon drowns Jay out by slamming the hammer onto the moles. Jay watches in mild fear, the force and speed of which Sunghoon was hitting these moles was almost frightening. A minute later, Sunghoon gets the highest score and the machine starts spewing out tickets, enough for it to start curling on the floor.

“Christ, what did the moles do to you?” Jay asks, coming back from getting a ticket bucket from the front. Sunghoon yanks the last ticket from the machine and grabs the pile from the floor to shove into the bucket. 

“They looked at me funny.” Sunghoon quipped. 

Jay snorts.

“Well I don’t think they can do that anymore, I think you whacked off their faces.” Jay held the bucket under his arm and took out the end of the ticket to start folding the tickets over themselves. Sunghoon laughs and Jay counts the tickets they have accumulated so far, taking out the tickets he had stored in her pocket from the previous games they played.

“I think we have enough for a prize.” 

Sunghoon crossed his arms and gave a triumphant smile.

“It’s all because of me, of course.”

Jay turned and made his way to his the prize booth, waving his hand in the air to dismiss Sunghoon,

“Whatever you say.”

Sunghoon let out a laugh and made his way over to stand beside Jay, who was looking at the prizes with a lot of thought, much too serious for someone browsing items that ranged from bouncy balls and nerf guns. Sunghoon looked at the prizes too and his eye caught the ones of a beady eyed dog, one Sunghoon recognized immediately.

It was just like the one on the floor of Sunghoon’s room. 

He didn’t need much time to put two and two together to realize that this was the same arcade Jake went to with Heeseung. It’s near campus and Sunghoon has no reason to suspect the two of them going to some other arcade, the only other one somewhere downtown and nowhere near where Jake lives. It’s like no matter where Sunghoon went, he isn’t allowed to forget the needle Jake stuck in his heart, every little thing pushing it further and further into his barely beating heart. 

“How about that one?” Jay’s voice rings in Sunghoon ears and Sunghoon snaps his attention away from the dog to Jay, who’s looking at him expectantly while pointing at the wall. Sunghoon follows the direction of his finger and he sees what Jay is pointing to.

A black cat plushy. One small enough to seat neatly on a shelf or desk.

“We don’t have enough tickets for anything bigger.” Jay scratches his head. “Did you want the dog one? We’re gonna need to play more games for it.” 

Sunghoon immediately shook his head.

“No. The cat is fine.” Maybe Sunghoon’s tone was too abrupt, because Jay blinked at him a couple times like he was spooked, and then nodded slowly.

“The cat it is. Excuse me-?” Jay calls over the clerk and Sunghoon watches as he points and exchanges the tickets for the cat, the clerk delicately handing it to him and Jay thanking them kindly. Sunghoon notices how the clerk blushes and stutters their “your welcome” and Sunghoon looks away.

He gets it. Jay is friendly and attractive, the perfect material for love at first sight or something along the lines. Sunghoon feels something touch his cheek,

“Here,” Jay presses the cat’s nose into Sunghoon's cheek and Sunghoon reaches up to take it from him, “it’s for you.” 

Sunghoon looks down at it. The cat looks at him with its big, black eyes, the mouth stitched on so it’s always smiling cutely. With it in his hands, it looks smaller than it was on the shelf, small enough to fit in one hand. Sunghoon looks at Jay curiously.

“What?”

Jay rolls his eyes.

“I literally asked you for your opinion on it, of course it was for you.”

Sunghoon looks down at the cat and presses its round paw between his fingers. He smiles. 

“Thanks. It’s cute.”

Jay rubs the back of his neck.

“No problem.”

Sunghoon grinned before bringing the cat up to hide his mouth, the smile growing the more he held the cat.

“All thanks to my whack-a-mole skills.”

Jay snorts, but he breaks into a soft smile.

“Of course.” 

Sunghoon is really glad he’s covering his mouth. Jay would surely tease him if he saw how big his smile is. Jay lifts his wrist and checks the time.

“We should get going, it’s already getting late.” Jay announces. Sunghoon frowns and checks the time on his phone, the time reading 8 PM. Has it really been three hours? 

“Yeah we should.” Sunghoon murmurs, pressing the back of the cat’s head against his lips to cover his frown. Despite that, Jay smirks at Sunghoon, and leans in.

“You sound disappointed. Don’t want to part with me so soon?” 

Sunghoon narrows his eyes and tilts the cat forward so Jay ends up kissing the cat’s forehead.

“In your dreams.” Sunghoon snarks. Jay straightens his back and lets out a laugh.

“Right, sorry.” He doesn’t sound the least bit sorry, but he doesn’t let Sunghoon say anything before he starts making his way out, leaving the ticket bucket at the counter for the clerk. Jay leads them to his car. “It goes without saying that I’m driving you home.” 

Sunghoon chuckles.

“Oh how kind of you.”

Jay playfully brushes off imaginary dust off his shoulder.

“It’s nothing.”

Sunghoon let out another round of chuckles. He tells him his address and Jay turns on the radio. He hums along to all the songs, and Sunghoon almost falls asleep to his voice. Jay shakes him.

“I know I have the voice of an angel but you should sleep in your bed instead of my car.” 

Sunghoon slaps his hand away. 

“Whatever.” Sunghoon grumbles before he gets out but then pauses, holding the cat close to his chest before taking a deep breath. He goes back inside the car, Jay tilting his head as he lifts his knee on the passenger seat and holds onto the head of the seat.

“Did you forget something-?”

Sunghoon presses a kiss on his cheek, briefly, but it’s there and it lingers enough for Jay to raise his hand and let his fingers dance on the tingling area on his cheek. Sunghoon pushes himself out, hits his head on the roof of the car which causes Jay to startle to which Sunghoon raises his hand before he asks anything.

“It’s thanks for taking me out…and for him.” Sunghoon raises the cat up, his cheeks on fire. Jay nods, each one slow and delayed, like he’s still trying to process what happened. 

“No problem…”

Sunghoon stands there awkwardly for another three seconds before he yells bye at a volume inappropriate for 8 PM and slams the door shut. He power walks to his apartment building and he swears the ride up the elevator was longer than usual. He slams his keys into his door and locks it behind him, running to his room and jumping onto his bed face first, the cat pressed uncomfortably between his abdomen and the mattress. Even so, his heart and head was racing too much for him to bother to move the cat from suffocating under him.

That was his first date(???) in years and it was way more invigorating than it was the last time.  He simultaneously feels the energy pumping through his veins and drain from his body as he is both exhausted but still reeling from his time with Jay. God, when was the last time he felt like this? He thinks and he realizes it was when Jake smiled at him after he beat Sunghoon in FIFA for the 10th time that day. 

Jake. 

Sunghoon’s heart bleeds from the needle again. His heart slows and he feels his eyes close as his heart aches. That should do it, the energy leaving Sunghoon as the blood leaves his chest. He takes the cat out from under him and looks at it, rolling to his side. He rubs the area under its eye and brings the cat up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss on its forehead. It brings him a small amount of bliss, like morphine to a wound. He lets his eyes close once again, and lets his chest bleed until his pulse stops.

-

Sunghoon wakes up at 12 AM. It was actually getting closer to 1 AM according to Sunghoon’s digital clock, the one his mom gave him after he told her he didn’t own one, much to her mortification. He considers shutting his eyes and sleeping longer, but a long growl comes from his stomach and he gets reminded that the last thing he ate was the ramen Jay bought him. With a borderline slither out of bed, he walked into his kitchen even though he knows his efforts to look for sustenance will be fruitless. He grabs his house key and coat and walks out of his unit, and goes all the way down to go to the convenience store nearby. He walks in, makes his way to the ramen section and picks out a bowl and grabs a drink from the refrigerator. He drops his things on the counter, having enough mind to greet the disgruntled 7/11 worker working the night shift. He doesn’t get much of a reply back, maybe a grumble if Sunghoon listened closely enough, but he was distracted by the looming shadow over his shoulder.

“Oh I like that brand too.” 

A hand reaches over his shoulder and points to his cup ramen, and Sunghoon can recognize that voice from a mile away. He freezes, hand stilling over his wallet as he forces himself to turn around. There he was, blinking down at him with a sweet smile, flaming red hair that looks beautiful even under the store lights that blink every now and then. 

“Hey Sunghoon.”

Sunghoon’s breath hitches, and he flails when the cashier clears his throat. Sunghoon shoves his hand in his wallet and pulls out a couple bills and hands them over, the cashier glancing at him confused before taking a singular bill from the pile because he was obviously over paying. 

“Hey hyung.” Sunghoon murmurs, feeling his chest ache and his body grow uncomfortably hot. Heeseung smiles, putting his things on the counter as well as the cashier bags Sunghoon’s things without asking and Sunghoon doesn’t find the voice to say he can go without the bag.

“I didn’t expect to see you this late at night, what’s up?” 

Sunghoon takes the bag, puts the extra bills and change back in his wallet, and wonders if it’s ethical to leave one of the nicest people in the world by making a break for the door, but Heeseung pays quickly and is already taking his bag. Sunghoon stands there awkwardly as Heeseung stands in front of him, Sunghoon not making an effort to look up, and Heeseung hums.

“You wanna go outside?” he suggests and Sunghoon nods, following Heeseung out and they stand by the window, Heeseung digging into his bag and cracking open a can of beer, taking a long sip before letting out a breath. “You never answered my question.” Heeseung says. Sunghoon sputters.

“I woke up in the middle of the night and was hungry.” he trips over his words a couple times, in a rush to speak. Heeseung chuckles, and Sunghoon starts to hear the tiredness in his voice.

“Me too. Well, I was always awake. Couldn’t sleep.” Heeseung hummed and Sunghoon looked up at Heeseung, and he found Heeseung already looking at him. His heart stutters before clenching. Heeseung did look tired, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent than the last time Sunghoon saw him. Even so, Heeseung still smiled gently, and Sunghoon couldn’t look away.

“School?” His voice cracks from him suppressing it for so long and Sunghoon fights the blush growing on his cheeks. Heeseung chuckles into his beer can before taking another sip, the chuckle low and barely there.

“No, something else.” Heeseung says vaguely but his eyes are trained on Sunghoon, not looking away even as he tilts his can to drink his beer. Sunghoon feels trapped, locked in Heeseung’s gaze, and how it is so captivating. Sunghoon feels his skin pinch, like someone is twisting the skin on his back. He reminds himself who he’s looking at, snapping himself out of Heeseung’s spell. 

He feels almost nauseous, his throat closed up and his head betraying him. He fell for a trap. Jake appears in his head and he blinks and he sees Heeseung. He understands, understands, he understands terribly well. Without a warning, Sunghoon felt something drop down his cheek. He couldn’t tell what it was at first. Maybe it was rain or even his imagination, but Heeseung’s eyes are blown wide and his mouth drops in shock. 

“Sunghoon?” Heeseung reaches his hand out and Sunghoon flinches away, another drop falling down his cheek, and he wipes his eyes, surprising himself when his eyes feel incredibly damp. He backs away and he waves his hand, sniffling and taking a deep breath, willing everything in his body to stop shaking and to stop crying.

“I’m fine, I just-,” I understand why Jake loves you. I understand why he would leave me for you. I understand. I understand in a way I wish I didn’t , “something got in my eye.” Sunghoon lets out a humorless laugh, checking his wrist for the time even though he couldn’t care less about what time it was and was just looking for an excuse. “It’s getting late, I should go.” Sunghoon announces and Heeseung opens his mouth to say something but he closes it for a moment. Instead, he gave Sunghoon a small smile and waved his hand goodbye.

“Bye.” he manages, and Sunghoon knew he wanted to say something else but was courteous enough to not. Sunghoon nods and walks away, his throat tight and it’s so hard to breathe.

Chapter Text

Heeseung knows in a way. He knows something is up with Jake and Sunghoon. He has never been the most observant person in the world, not by a long shot, but he can tell something is up when someone you have almost no relation to other than a single mutual friend starts tearing up in front of you after a simple conversation. He had people react adversely towards him, but not burst into tears because of him. He knew something was up when they first met, when Jake introduced them to each other. Sunghoon was tight-lipped, fidgety, and visibly uncomfortable, but Heeseung chalked it up to nervousness. Maybe he wasn’t good at meeting new people and this whole situation was odd to him, but what didn’t sit right with Heeseung was how Jake didn’t pay him any mind.

Aren’t friends supposed to look out for each other? Especially considering how Jake introduced him as his best friend.

But Jake never said anything, just adamantly making conversation and carrying on in a way Sunghoon couldn’t keep up with. Sunghoon seemed half into the conversation and half into his own mind, and Heeseung was worried? Is worried the right way to describe how he felt? Maybe it’s because he’s a people pleaser, but he wanted Sunghoon to feel more comfortable around him. Jake had always told him about what an amazing person Sunghoon was, how he looks a little scary at first, but he liked making corny jokes and laughing at them, because he’s the only person that finds them funny.

“But that’s what makes him cute.” was what Jake said.

However, every time Heeseung tried to include him into the conversation, Sunghoon only became increasingly more uncomfortable. It came to the point he made an obviously flimsy excuse to leave, something Heeseung isn’t sure Jake noticed. They parted and Heeseung couldn’t help but think about it all day. He thought about it when he hung out with Jake that afternoon, when he was working at his part-time job, and then he went to bed that night.

It didn’t help that Sunghoon just kept avoiding him, no matter how much Heeseung tried approaching him. Heeseung really hoped that it was because he had a hard time talking to people, something Jake said when Heeseung asked, but he saw Sunghoon walk with Jay, his classmate in Philosophy, having an adamant conversation and smiling and laughing, something Heeseung had never seen.

Were they friends? Heeseung wasn’t particularly close to Jay, but he has a general idea of his social circle, and he had never seen Sunghoon anywhere near him before. Heeseung realized that the problem did not lie in Sunghoon, but in him.

Sunghoon doesn’t like him.

Heeseung doesn’t know why. He mulled over it all night, thinking back to every possible interaction he had with Sunghoon that could’ve possibly put him in a negative light, but he couldn’t think of anything. Was it a personal grudge? Did Heeseung do something that he doesn’t remember? Heeseung couldn’t come up with anything, and it’s nearly 1 AM.

Which is how he ended up here.

All he wanted was a beer in hopes of getting a little tipsy so he could pass out, but he ran into Sunghoon, so he felt the need to approach and start a conversation only to make the guy fucking cry.

Heeseung continued to stare at where Sunghoon disappeared off to, feeling his head punch itself as pain shot through his skull. He chugs the rest of his beer and crushes the can, throwing it away and bitterly kicks the ground.

He just wants to be his friend, why is that so hard?

Heeseung walks home, the cold air cooling his warm face, mulling in his own thoughts. In the corner of his eye, he sees a shadow move and he yelps and jumps, startling the shadow which ended up being a stray dog. He calms down and laughs at himself, before going back on his stroll.

He thinks about Jake, because dogs equal Jake and Jake equals dogs.

Jake.

Wait.

Jake?

His thoughts come to a screeching halt, and so does he, as he quite literally stops in his tracks. 

He lays down mentally what he has about the situation.

Something odd is going on between Jake and Sunghoon.

The problem is presumably Heeseung.

Jake seemed to not notice what was going on with Sunghoon when they hung out together.

Jake has been hanging out with Heeseung a lot more, presumably not giving him enough time to hang out with Sunghoon, his proclaimed best friend.

Now how could any of this play out for Heeseung to be the problem and for Sunghoon to not like Heeseung.

Maybe it has to do with the softness Sunghoon uses when he utters Jake’s name, or the gentle eyes that are used to look at him. Even so, what does that have to do with Heeseung…unless…

Heeseung gasps and his breath gets caught in his throat, causing him to choke.

Jake likes him?

-

Heeseung feels guilty. 

He’s holding onto secrets that he isn’t supposed to know, but it involves him and it’s not like he probed people for the answers, so he’s not in the wrong. He just wants to make sure, ask Jake if he likes him, and if he does? 

Heeseung wets his dry lips and taps his foot. Heeseung doesn’t like Jake like that. He thinks Jake is a great friend, but nothing more. Jake is someone that could have anyone. He’s kind, sweet, handsome, athletic, smart, all in all the perfect guy. Hell, he even wooed his best friend. 

But Heeseung doesn’t see him like that. He likes them being friends, and he wants them to stay that way if he can help it.

He’s sitting in his Philosophy class, waiting for the professor to come, when the door opens and Jay comes in cautiously, looking around as if to see the coast is clear. Heeseung laughs softly in his palm, looking down at Jay from where he leaned up against one of the desks with his elbows on the table and his chin in his hand. Jay lets out a breath of relief and Heeseung couldn’t help but find him amusing. Jay looks up at the desks and for a short second, they make eye contact and Heeseung flinches.

Jay’s gaze was intense, the way his cat-like eyes flitted across the desks before they made their way towards him. Jay started making his way up the stairs, towards Heeseung, and Heeseung could only watch as Jay dumped his bag in the seat next to Heeseung.

“Mind if I sit next to you?” he asks, voice gruff, and with a glance at his hair and his outfit, which can be summarized by the word ‘messy,’ Heeseung could tell he checked the time after waking up and realized how late he was.

Heeseung only nods, his voice failing him, making him gape dumbly because his mouth opened to let words spill out. 

Jay lets out a hum of acknowledgement, sliding into the booth, his bag in between their thighs to create a comfortable amount of distance.

Heeseung hears giggling and laughing and looks towards its direction, seeing a group of guys and girls laughing behind their hands. Jay snaps his neck towards them and words them curses that cause them to laugh harder, their laugh poorly stifled,

Heeseung had a small moment of realization.

Jay didn’t sit next to Heeseung because he wanted to, but because he was late and all the other spots were full.

Heeseung pauses, and then he lets out a small, long breath, a sigh quiet enough Jay doesn’t hear. He keeps the fact to himself.

The professor comes in, makes a comment about Jay’s hair by saying, “looks like you were late as well,” and Jay lets out a comically loud groan and everyone laughs. Jay’s cheeks tint pink from embarrassment, but he’s also laughing—his glasses sitting low on his tall nose, a detail Heeseung couldn’t help but notice.

The class resumes when everyone goes quiet, and Heeseung zones out. Next is Physics, which is where he’ll see Jake, and once he sees Jake, he’ll tell him. He’ll ask first and then tell him. Should he do it before class? After? Heeseung doesn’t know if he could hold in his words when he sees Jake, Hell, Jake might not like him at all and he’s fussing over nothing.

“Hey, what’s your number?”

Heeseung jolts, the faintest pressure from where Jay tapped his shoulder still lingering.

“What?”

Jay made this face, confused but increasingly becoming more annoyed.

“For the project? The one that the professor just assigned?”

Ah.

Well.

Heeseung knows what happened. The professor gave out a project while he was dazed and said to work with the person next to you, and Jay happened to choose this exact day to not sit with his friends.

“Right, sorry.” Heeseung rummages through his bag for some paper when Jay hands him a stack of sticky notes.

“Here,” he says shortly. Heeseung stares at the baby blue sticky notes and snorts a laugh, taking out a pen and grabbing the sticky notes. Jay raises his eyebrow.

“What?” 

Heeseung scribbles down his number and hands him back the sticky notes, his number sitting messily on top.

“It’s just,” he bites back a laugh, “who carries around sticky notes?” he explains, and Jay rolls his eyes.

“My bad, I just can’t help but feel that they’re convenient to have.” Jay says, condescendingly and a little too rude for someone younger than him.

“Is that how you’re supposed to talk to a hyung?” Heeseung says, but he’s joking and his voice is light. Jay glances at him before he smirks.

“I’m sorry, hyung . It won’t happen again.” Jay gives Heeseung a little bow and does a little twirl on his hand. The honorific falls out of Jay’s mouth so nicely, and Heeseung doesn’t hear him say the term often, as Jay usually hung out with people his age. He likes it from Jay, he likes the sound of Jay’s voice, how it’s mellow and deep.

“I haven’t heard you call me that in a while.” Heeseung notes. Jay shrugs,

“We talked maybe 3 times? Before this? You’re awfully nice to people you only just met.” Jay laughs, tapping his fingers on the desk and fiddling with the sticky notes in his other hand. Heeseung hums.

“Perhaps.”

Heeseung remembers when they first talked. Jay was a freshman getting bombarded by club flyers, to the point the paper grocery bag he was using to hold them all broke, causing the flyers to fall on the floor. His hair was brown and it was longer, falling over his eyes and constantly getting swept back by his hands. Heeseung helped him, got him a new bag, and walked him around campus. Heeseung thought he was cute. Starry-eyed freshman finally making it to college, and he does admit, he has a knack for taking care of those younger than him. The suggestion for Jay to call him hyung came easy, and Jay agreed. It was a little conversation, and they only ever talked when Jay was lost and Heeseung happened to be a familiar face floating around. 

Jay is friendly and funny, allowing him to quickly make new friends, and cutting his need for Heeseung short.

Jay checks the time on his watch, a minute before class ends, and packs his things. He gets up and slings his bag over his shoulder.

“See you next class.” he says before briskly leaving, getting jabs from his friends on his way out. Heeseung watches as he leaves, head going still before he remembers with mild horror that Physics was next.

He sees Jake next.

-

He’s got this. 

“Do I?” he mutters to himself, fingers interacted and elbows on the table, staring straight ahead and burning jokes into the wall. He doesn’t want to be like other assholes who self-proclaim themselves as ‘nice guys’ but he does think he is one. He doesn’t want to hurt Jake’s feelings, and he doesn’t want Sunghoon to get hit as collateral because of whatever Jake feels for him. He wants to believe he’s minimizing damage. Like the saying goes, “better sooner than later,” but he doesn’t know the blast radius of the bomb he’s about to drop on Jake. Is it better to just let Jake like him and hope Sunghoon gets over him to save himself or let Jake down into the River of Styx himself? Jake might not even like him that much so this might be Heeseung blowing this way out of the water.

In a perfect world, Heeseung rejects Jake, and Sunghoon comes swooping in to console him, and the two of them live happily ever after. In an even more perfect world, Heeseung is invited to their wedding, but let's not get too hasty here.

A thud is heard next to him and he flinches when he sees Jake’s bag on the desk, Jake sitting down next to him. Heeseung never noticed the lack of personal space before, but their elbows were knocking against each other and their thighs had a gap so small that a piece of paper would barely slip through.

“Hey hyung!” Jake smiles, or well, Heeseung assumes he smiles. He was wearing a mask, only his eyes crinkling a little and the cheery tone in his voice indicating his smile. Jake blinks before laughing, pointing to his mask. “It was dusty today, and my nose is pretty sensitive.” 

Heeseung realizes that he must’ve been staring and laughs to himself.

“Just like a dog.” he says thoughtfully with a small hum. Jake tilts his head to the side as he chuckles.

“People say that a lot.” he almost giggles with how bashful he is, and Heeseung has the urge to pet his hair. 

But Heeseung has a mission and he can’t get side tracked.

He doesn’t know how to bring it up still. Is class even an appropriate place to say it? Should he wait it out? If shit hits the fan, Jake is going to have to sit with Heeseung an hour and some minutes, a situation that is going to be so awkward and borderline painful.

God, what if he cries?

It wouldn’t be the first time someone cried because of him, Heeseung thought bitterly back to Sunghoon, but Heeseung wasn’t trying to start any records or anything.

“Uh Jake?” he asks after a couple moments of silence. Jake hums, sifting through his back for something. “Do you, uh, how do I say this,” Heeseung licks his lips. Well, he started it, there’s no turning back now. “Do you like me?”

Heeseung considered slapping a ‘romantically’ in there to clarify, but the way Jake flails around with the pen he was looking for, the pen dropping sadly onto the ground, and how his ears were bright red, Heeseung is sure he got the message.

Jake opens his mouth and closes it over and over, his mask moving and his lips making small popping noises for Heeseung to hear. 

“I-,” Jake looks down, his fingers coming up to fiddle with the hair at his nape, “I- uh, yeah, I do.” he admits quietly. Heeseung feels bad. Jake looks utterly pitiful, his mop of brown hair making him look like a sad puppy, figurative dog ears drooping and everything.

“Ah.” 

Heeseung wants to slap himself, but maybe plastering a sticker that says, “royal class idiot,” on his forehead is better. He brought this onto them and that’s all he has the brain to say. All of that intense thinking amounted to a single sound, not even a word. Jake peeks at Heeseung through his bangs, before looking down again.

“I’m assuming you don’t like me back.”

And to make matters worse, Heeseung made the guy he’s rejecting say that he was rejected, just to rub more salt on the wound.

“Yeah…sorry.”

Social Skills: 0

Heeseung swears that he was better at talking like this. It’s not like it was his first time rejecting someone. He got plenty of confessions during high school and even some now, but it never got easier. Like stated before, he’s a people pleaser, but when there are times where he can’t please someone for the sake of his own well-being, he’s nothing more than a shell of a human being. 

Jake sits up, no longer hunched into a ball, and scratches his nape sheepishly.

“Oh no, it’s cool, really.” Jake smacks his lips, maybe to lick them, Heeseung can’t tell, “Glad you told me before, you know, I pursued you further.” he laughs to himself, the laugh dull and sad, like he was trying to ease the tension but the tension was much stronger than him. 

Heeseung nods awkwardly.

“Can we still be friends?” Heeseung will say it over and over again, but he does think Jake is a nice person. He’s a wonderful friend and a joy to be around. Heeseung thinks he’s sweet, kind, and lovely, but just not in the way Jake wants him too. 

Jake stares at him for a moment, before his eyes crinkle to show that he’s smiling again.

“Sure, friends.” Jake says finally and Heeseung smiles.

“Good.” Heeseung faces forward, mildly content, but he misses the way Jake’s eyes water, and the mask makes him unable to see how Jake’s lips tremble behind his mask.

Chapter Text

Sunghoon didn’t know how he managed to walk home. 

It was a five minute walk from his apartment complex from the convenience store, and another minute going up the elevator and down the hall to his unit. But it felt like the walk was thirty minutes long, his legs taking him to every back alley and every unnecessary turn he could possibly take, even though he knows he took the usual route home. He did forgo the elevator for some unknown reason, his head in another place as he couldn’t think like he normally could. He opened the door that led to the stairs, and he accidentally stepped on the second step from the bottom instead of the first, causing him to awkwardly clamber up and push himself up with the railing. He does it again when he makes it to the second flight of stairs. He went all the way to his floor, the fourth floor, and opened the door to get out of the stairwell, his legs aching more than they have to and his head still fogged. He walks down the hall and to his room, goes to turn his key into the keyhole but he misses and then that was enough to make him collapse. One missed keyhole made the tears he was subconsciously trying to keep under wraps explode. He opened the door and only sobbed harder once he closed the door behind him. He feels nothing but hot shame, drenched by boiling water. 

He cried in front of Heeseung. He cried in front of Heeseung. How is he supposed to confront him in the future? This has got to be one of the most embarrassing moments in Sunghoon’s life and he’s only 21. He desperately wipes his tears and fumbles to grab his phone from his back pocket, his hands wet from tears and he presses around in his contacts for anyone who would listen. He presses something, hopes to god it isn’t someone like his mom, and the phone rings before the other end picks up.

“Hello?” The voice is muffled and rough, but Sunghoon heard it loud and clear. He cries.

“Jay…” he croaks.

“Sunghoon?” Jay sounded louder, more awake, and there’s rustling like he’s moving to sit up, “Are you ok? You sound like you’re crying.”

Sunghoon wipes his tears again and sniffs.

“Because I am.” he mumbles, crouching down and hiding in his knees to make himself smaller, hoping that if he curls up enough, he would disappear.

“What? Why? What happened? Do I need to come over?” Jay asks a bunch of questions, and the last one was phrased as a question but Sunghoon can hear him grabbing his keys with how something jingled on the other end.

“No, Jay, I’m fine.” he tries to say but his voice becomes more choked up as more tears fall down. He wipes them pathetically.

“Yeah, sure, I believe you.” Jay snarks and Sunghoon grumbles.

“Hey, don’t be mean to me, I’m fragile right now.” he whines, falling to his side with a thud. Jay lets out a small laugh.

“Right, sorry, I shouldn’t be mean. Anyway, what’s your room number?”

Sunghoon mumbles.

“204.”

“Ok, I’m coming over. I’ll be there in a bit, keep me on the line.”

Sunghoon laughs a little.

“You should really be paying attention to the road.”

Jay follows suit.

“I’m a good driver.”

Sunghoon smiles.

“I’m sure.”

The line goes quiet and Sunghoon loses himself in the sound of Jay driving, the rumbling of the car, the little sounds the wheel makes when he makes a turn, all of it. The gear shifts and Jay unbuckles his seatbelt. 

“I’m coming up.”

Sunghoon hums, staring at his off white ceiling.

“I’m waiting.” he whispers faintly, unsure if Jay heard him.There’s some rustling on the other end and Sunghoon hears footsteps outside his door, Sunghoon getting up to open the door but Jay opens it before he can touch the doorknob, making Sunghoon realize he never locked the door when he went in. His arm remains outstretched as Jay frowns at his sorry state, Jay closing and locking the door behind him. Sunghoon smiles sadly, Jay taking Sunghoon’s hand and getting on his knees beside him, the two of them sitting in front of Sunghoon’s front door. Jay reaches up with his free hand and rubs Sunghoon’s cheeks, his cheeks sticky from dried up tears as Jay wipes away the fresh ones.

“What happened?” Jay whispers, searching Sunghoon’s face for more tears with only the faint moonlight as his guide. Sunghoon shrugs and closes his eyes, leaning his head into Jay’s touch. Jay cradles his cheek.

“A lot and yet so little.” Sunghoon laughs dryly to himself. Jay frowns.

“Well? I’m here all night.” Jay says. Sunghoon smiles, this one small but grateful and genuine.

“Let’s move somewhere else.” 

Jay nods, and he pulls Sunghoon up, taking Sunghoon to the living room even though it was Sunghoon who owned the place. They sat on the couch, sitting face to face and their hands still linked, Jay watching Sunghoon lay his cheek against the back of the couch. Sunghoon rocks their hands a little as he takes a shallow breath to prepare himself.

“I ran into Heeseung.”

Even under the pale moonlight, Sunghoon sees how Jay’s eyes widen. Sunghoon laughs.

“Yeah, only I would meet the last person I want to see when I least expect it.” He closes his eyes, recounting how his last couple hours went. “I woke up a while ago. I wanted to go back to sleep but I couldn’t because I was hungry. I went to go get food at the convenience store and that was where I ran into him.” he recalls. 

Jay is rubbing his thumb over Sunghoon’s knuckles and humming to show his attention.

 “He tried to make conversation, taking us both outside for some privacy but—,” Sunghoon’s voice cracks and Jay is immediately alarmed, “I started fucking crying.” Sunghoon feels more tears about to form and he wills them to not fall, his eyes downcasted as he refuses to let Jay see him look more pathetic than he already did. “I don’t know why, he’s just- he’s just so fucking perfect!” Sunghoon cries. “It’s suffocating how it all makes sense. Why Jake likes him, why Jake would choose him over me, why I became second place, why I wasn’t good enough- it just hit me all at once, and I couldn’t stop myself, and I—!”

Jay shushes him.

“You’re going to start choking if you yell that much with all of these tears.” 

Sunghoon realizes that he’s crying again, that his face is flooded with new tears and that Jay’s sleeve is damp. Sunghoon trembles and he tightens the grip he has on Jay’s hand.

“Jay, I…it hurts so much. I’ve known Jake for so long, I gave him everything. I gave him everything I could offer. I even let him use my body, I wanted him to, and yet, my everything was not enough. My everything couldn’t even amount to hyung.” Sunghoon’s voice quivers and trembles, his head lolling forward. Jay calls his name softly, his name laced with sadness and sympathy. Jay parts their hands to reach out, pulling Sunghoon for a hug and Sunghoon falls into it seamlessly, his head buried in Jay’s shoulder and his hands making their way to cling onto his shirt. “Jay…what can I do? What can I do when I already gave Jake my everything? My past, my present, all the years I thought ahead for our future?” 

Jay rubs his back.

“Sunghoon…I think it’s time you break it off with Jake.” Jay says. “The whole friends with benefits thing…it isn’t doing either of you any good.” 

Sunghoon knows, he knows this more than anyone.

“I know…” 

Jay doesn’t say anything more, as if he said that to voice the thought into the air, something Sunghoon has always been afraid to do. He cries and clings onto Jay until he runs out of tears and his sobs become hiccups. His bones weigh heavily underneath his skin and he says he will rest his eyes momentarily, but his hiccups soon quiet down as well as his breathing. Jay holds him close and gently picks him up. He doesn’t have the heart to wake Sunghoon up to tell him to go to bed, so he takes him to his bed himself, tucking Sunghoon in and he starts heading over to the couch to sleep on for the night. Before he could fully part from him, Sunghoon whimpers and a tear falls from the corner of his eye. Jay sits back down and wipes away his tears, pursing his lips as he brings his hands together to cup Sunghoon’s cold one. He brings them up to his lips and kisses them softly, hoping that some of the warmth Jay feels for Sunghoon reaches him. It does, he wants to think, because Sunghoon stops crying and his face relaxes.

-

Sunghoon wakes up and immediately looks for a point of escape, maybe even a point of death. He considers the window, playing with the idea of jumping out from the second floor and hoping to land on his neck to ensure death, but then he hears a small knock on his bedroom door.

“Sunghoon? I made breakfast but it’s just ramen with an egg…for one.” 

Sunghoon realizes two things at that moment.

1. Jay is still in his apartment.
2. Jay saw how desolate his apartment kitchen was.

If there was a god, can they please smite him down from where he lays in his bed? 

“Yeah, wait I’m-!” To make matters worse, Sunghoon was so professionally tucked into his bed that he tripped during the attempt of getting out of bed. He falls and lands with a loud thud against his floor, narrowly dodging the coffee table in the middle of his room, and he groans. 

“Sunghoon? Are you ok in there?” Jay, with the kindness of any saint, asks out of pure unadulterated worry. If it were someone like Jake, Jake would slam the door open, and laugh at Sunghoon while helping him up.

God, Jake.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Sunghoon replies, pushing himself up and rubbing his elbows to fend off the carpet burn . He opens the door and Jay pulls his hand back from where it was hovering over the doorknob and stares at him wide-eyed. In an instant, Sunghoon watches as his eyes soften, the corners of them scrunching, and he breaks into a grin and an airy laugh. He brings his hand up and pats down Sunghoon’s hair.

“Do you normally fight wars before leaving your room?” he laughs, pointing at Sunghoon's red elbows and his messy hair. Sunghoon huffs.

“If that blanket wasn’t so masterfully tucked in, I wouldn’t have had such a hard time getting out of bed.” he huffs and Jay rolls his eyes before moving in the direction of the kitchen.

“That was my bad. I didn’t know tucking someone in could cause such irreparable consequences.”

Sunghoon follows him to the kitchen, the smell of ramen luring him in like a fish to a hook. Jay stands on one side of the bar and Sunghoon takes a seat on the stool across from him. Sunghoon wants to comment about how Jay is only sipping on a glass of water while there is a hot pot of ramen for Sunghoon, but Sunghoon was then painfully reminded of the sad state of his fridge. Instead, he keeps his mouth shut and eats quietly. They sit in silence, Sunghoon eating while Jay pointedly looks away, probably so he doesn’t make himself hungry, which makes Sunghoon feel a little bad. Sunghoon looks down at his pot, and he sees that he has maybe two and half spoonfuls of food left.

“...You want the rest?” he asks. Jay looks at him, looks at the pot, and then his stomach gurgles. Jay blushes and Sunghoon laughs. “I guess that’s a yes?”

Jay nods timidly.

“Please?”

That was all Sunghoon needed to pass him the pot and the chopsticks. Jay wordlessly takes the pot and chopsticks and scarfs down the remains of the pot. He even brought the pot to his lips and drank the broth. Sunghoon wants to make a comment about how they used the same chopsticks, but then he remembers that they swapped more than just spit, so the words die in his throat before Jay can even think about bringing up that little fact. Jay finishes the pot and he goes to wash it before Sunghoon can even offer. It’s the small fact that Jay came to his house and started treating him as a guest. Something about it tickles Sunghoon’s chest as he gets up to go to the bathroom. 

Moments later, he walks out and Jay is sitting where Sunghoon once was, staring at the wall in contemplative thought. Jay looks over to him, gives him a small smile, and gets up from the stool.

“I’m going to go back home and freshen up before class starts.” he says, eyes downturned for some reason as he walks past Sunghoon. Sunghoon nods, not that Jay can see it, and follows him to the door. Jay puts on his sandals, and Sunghoon takes the time to fully look at him. When he first came, it was dark, and Sunghoon was in tears so he couldn’t truly look at him. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and red pajama pants, dark hair tousled and Jay keeps fiddling with the strands by brushing his hair back. Sunghoon almost chuckles when Jay struggles with the buckles and straps of his sandals momentarily before he gets them on. Jay stands straight up, looks at Sunghoon with his cheeks lightly flushed, and nods his head towards the door.

“I’ll get going then.” He turns and twists the doorknob, and he steps out.

“Jay.” Sunghoon says. Jay looks up and stares at him, waiting for him to continue. Sunghoon takes a deep breath and smiles, his hands fiddling with each other behind his back. “I’m going to break it off with Jake today.” he declares.

Jay stills for a second and then he chuckles before smiling. He reaches over and caresses Sunghoon’s hair reassuringly. 

“Good luck.” he says simply, before turning and leaving without even another glance his way. 

Sunghoon closes the door to his apartment with his chest a little warmer than usual. He still feels Jay’s casual touches and he sees the blanket that is folded up on the foot of his sofa, and he feels warm. He takes a deep breath and he truly believes that with this warmth, he can face the cold that is waiting for him when he breaks it off with Jake.

-

Jay drives home and he is using both hands on the wheel because god, this trip almost put him in deep shit. He knows he should not be allowing himself to feel this way about Sunghoon, but he does and he feels horrible. Sue him for being gay and falling in love with a pretty boy.

Love?

God, it is love. 

He clutches the wheel, and finds himself considering the possibility of making a hard right into a tree, but he won’t because he has to be there when Sunghoon inevitably breaks it off with Jake and cries, and it is horrible. He hates that he sees this as a moment of chance for him. He hates that he is taking this momentous moment for Sunghoon as a chance to whisk him off his feet. It is just how it is, something dark and ugly in his chest hoping and almost enjoying the idea of Sunghoon coming to run back into his arms, something twisted that Jay desperately wishes he can wring out of his body. 

Jay still remembers the feeling of Sunghoon’s body against his own, how he shook and how his voice trembled, questions falling from his lips wishing to be answered but Jay knew that only one person could answer them and it wasn’t him. In his heart he wanted to be the one to give him the answer to those questions. In his heart he answered each one that made his own heart ache with how much he knew these answers would not satisfy Sunghoon in any way. He wanted to say that Sunghoon should give his future to him, that he will keep their future together alive and that he could be the reservoir for all of Sunghoon’s unconditional love. He wanted to give back his everything to Sunghoon, give him everything he had to give away, give him everything he wanted and desired and more. Jay wanted to say all of this, his heart screamed and begged to say these words for Sunghoon to hear, but Jay betrayed his heart and said the words that Sunghoon needed to hear, not the words he wanted to say most. Even if it is a little, Jay wanted to help Sunghoon, and even if it’s just a little he wanted Sunghoon to know he was there for him. The longing in his heart only grew the more Jay remembers the warmth Sunghoon emitted, how he fit in his arms so nicely, how Sunghoon let him hold him so easily. Jay feels horrible for thinking this way when Sunghoon was vulnerable, but love is like a sinkhole that takes anyone that unexpectedly falls in, but maybe Jay is the same type of fool Sunghoon is, because he lets himself fall in undoubtedly.

It happened quick and fast and took the wind out of his lungs and he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind because if the air in his lungs could become a source of life for Sunghoon, he would allow himself to be hurt again and again, and it is so stupid and dumb, how willing he is to give everything to this man, but that is love, and love is stupid and dumb.

He takes a deep breath, rounds into the parking lot of his apartment complex, and parks. He sits back in his seat and he wonders if he managed to keep his cool around Sunghoon just enough, his mind replaying how cute Sunghoon was when he woke up and how pretty he was when he freshened up. He couldn’t even look at him fully without feeling the blood rush up to his cheeks, something that is so pathetic and Jay never knew how pathetic he was when it came to love. 

He got out of his car and locked it, going up to his apartment to get ready, offhandedly reminding himself that today is the day he has to see Heeseung for the project.