Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

San isn't sure if it's the drink that's making him dizzy, or if it's the fact that two ridiculously attractive men have glued themselves to his sides. The perfect, warm summer night, combined with the surprisingly comfortable atmosphere of the rooftop bar might have a small contribution to his state of euphoria.

Maybe it's the sweet perfumes his dates have bathed in, two different yet equally pleasant scents mixing together as his nose picks them up. 

Or perhaps, it might be the downright intoxicating viewing pleasure he is offered, as those two men lean in right before him to kiss each other. San bites his lip as he leans back to give them a bit more space, and to appreciate the visual. If he was a little hesitant about going on a date with an already established couple, by now there is none of that left in him. 

Wooyoung and Yeosang make quite the pair, they're full of parallels and San suspects at least some of them are intentionally enforced. In particular, their hair: black on Wooyoung and blonde on Yeosang, respectively, both of them have grown theirs out enough to sport lovely little ponytails. San really hopes at least one of them is into getting their hair pulled, as his hands itch to reach and touch. He holds back, for now. Even when Wooyoung gives him a knowing smirk as he bites Yeosang’s lower lip when they pull back. 

”Do you want one too?” 

What can he do but nod? San notes to himself that while Wooyoung asks the question and has been the one to tease him for most of the night, it is Yeosang who leans in to kiss him first. He’s the less talkative of the two, but he more than makes up for it in surprisingly bold physical touches and ridiculously cute smiles, and San feels like melting every time he meets those doe eyes. 

”Don’t be fooled, there’s nothing innocent in him besides the look”, Wooyoung had warned with a laugh during their first five minutes together. By now, San has to agree. It’s always the quiet ones that have the surprising freaky side that comes out after a few drinks or behind closed bedroom doors. Not that he minds. Quite the opposite. He’s eager to find out just how not innocent the blond in his lap is.  

But that has to wait for a bit. For now, he finds out that Yeosang’s kisses taste like aperol spritz and cherry lip balm. He only has a moment to sample the flavors, however, when Wooyoung shamelessly pushes his boyfriend out of the way in a hurry to park himself on the same spot. 

”Leave something for me too”, he huffs with an adorable pout, ignoring Yeosang’s protesting whine. San feels a giggle escape out of his throat. 

”There’s enough of me for both of you, I promise”, he claims just before Wooyoung smashes their lips together, shamelessly prodding at his mouth with his tongue. San complies in a heartbeat. Wooyoung is the one driving tonight, so instead of alcohol, all San tastes is sugary soda, along with what must be the exact same cherry lip balm that Yeosang uses. Of course.

”You’re gonna get us thrown out”, Yeosang giggles as Wooyoung does his best to steal all of San’s breath away, with great success. All of his kisses feel borderline filthy, just as if not more intoxicating than all the drinks San and Yeosang have had tonight. 

”Mmm”, Wooyoung replies as he pulls away. San is reluctant to let him go. He needs one of them, or preferably, both, to kiss him again. 

”Then perhaps we should take this elsewhere?”

They get to the elevator that takes them to the ground level, and San is pleased to have the chance to hold both of his dates by the waist, as they happily press against him. He must have done something incredible in the last century to be blessed with this. 

He was originally quite surprised when the duo approached him on the dating app he sometimes browses to waste his time. San isn’t that invested in finding a partner in the first place, he mostly uses it for hookups, and it is made clear in his profile. So no, he wouldn’t say he’s a romantic, like Wooyoung and Yeosang claimed to be. 

Then again, actual romantics rarely use dating apps, San reasons when he kisses both of them back, one after another. The elevator starts moving down. 

It’s one of the few times when he has actually talked a little more to his dates before meeting them. San thinks it might be because hooking up with a couple is something he hasn’t tried before. His dates, however, certainly have, given how from the very start they have done their best to answer any questions he has, and how seamlessly they have worked together the entire evening, without a shred of awkwardness. They’re a well-oiled machine and San is having a wonderful time in between their gears as they ground what is left of his mind into fine powder. 

And they’re only on their way to take him home. 

Yeosang climbs next to him to the backseat when they pack into the car and hands him a small water bottle. 

”Don’t want you to get dehydrated”, he chuckles and San shivers at the sound as he clumsily unscrews the cap. He would take part in a cryptocurrency pyramid scheme if that lovely voice told him to. Not that he needs much convincing to empty a tiny bottle of water, as he actually does feel a little parched. Must be the side effect of alcohol and smoking hot men. 

”Are we good to go?” Wooyoung asks from the driver’s seat and starts the car at his boyfriend’s nod. He fiddles for a while with his phone and the car radio to put on some music, before focusing entirely on driving them back to... actually, San isn’t sure if they’re going to his place or theirs. Not that it matters much. 

San downs the rest of the water, scrunching his nose at the unpleasant aftertaste. The bottle must have been in the car for a bit too long. Yeosang picks it up from him, letting it drop somewhere at their feet, and then he’s all over San once more, paying no mind to any traffic laws, such as making sure that the driver can see anything from the rear view mirror, or wearing a seat belt. 

Not that San minds. Well, he minds a little, because when he leans to kiss Yeosang again, the man pulls away. But he quickly placates him by placing a series of light kisses on his jawline and neck, while his hands wander around, mapping San’s torso. And there’s no way San would complain at the treatment. 

So yeah, San is doing amazing. 

Until he suddenly isn’t. 

Nothing in his surroundings really changes. He’s still sitting comfortably in the backseat as Wooyoung stops at traffic lights, humming along with what must be his ”sensual” playlist. Yeosang’s hands are still roaming all over him, kisses are still placed on his neck in rapid succession. The emptied water bottle rolls around at his feet. 

However, in the span of less than ten seconds, the pleasant dizziness he associates with being drunk and aroused, is replaced with a more alarming version, where he feels much less in control of his body and consciousness. The kind where all of his limbs have suddenly gained at least three tons of extra weight. He lets out a confused grunt and frowns when despite several attempts, his hands refuse to obey his brain’s commands.

”Are you okay?” Yeosang’s face appears in his view. If San was a little more coherent, he could likely pick up on how unconcerned he sounds. But even in his current state, he notices the strangely calculating look in the pretty man’s eyes. 

He tries to speak, but his tongue has joined the three ton club with the rest of his body, causing only incoherent mumbling to come out. 

”Did he empty the whole bottle?” he hears Wooyoung ask. Yeosang hums affirmatively. 

”Then he should be dead in a minute or two.” 

San is about to ask what they’re talking about, but he’s quickly distracted when Yeosang kisses his cheeks and slides his hand into his pocket, the one holding his wallet. He has no idea why the situation makes him think of something he read on the news yesterday. Something about a curious string of deaths, all caused by poisoning. 

... Ah, fuck. 

This must be the worst hangover in a while. San didn’t know it was possible to feel nausea with every single cell of his body. 

For some time, he’s even hesitant to open his eyes. When he does, he’s greeted with the sight of his dark bedroom, his blackout curtains doing the lord’s work and preventing the morning sun from flowing in. 

He doesn’t dare to move in fear that it will set off a very unpleasant chain reaction. He’s not even sure he can move right now. His body feels limp and way too heavy, like he’s dead. 

In fact, San is pretty sure he was dead hours ago. Yes, now that the memories from last night come back to him and he tries his best to focus on them to distract himself from feeling like absolute shit, he’s even more certain. 

However, he’s pretty sure he was in a car when he died. But now that he carefully moves his head to look around, he can see that the earlier notion of him being in his own bedroom still holds true. Looks like his sexy murderers were kind enough to bring him home and tuck him in. How sweet and yet incredibly mean of them, to seduce him like that and then get rid of him before the main event. To leave him wanting. 

Then again, they didn’t expect that he would survive. San can understand that. Most people have no idea when they meet him that they’re crossing paths with an immortal. 

It almost coaxes a tiny giggle out of him when he thinks of it. While death is never pleasant, there is some kind of spiteful joy to be found in surviving it, even if the process of regenerating and healing is usually very unpleasant. 

His phone vibrates on the nightstand once. Oh, how nice, it’s been charged overnight too. If a little odd, San has to admit. Why would they bother? Unless the plan was to stage his murder as a weird bout of illness. Which actually seems quite likely now that he thinks about it. Why else would have they bothered to bring him back and tuck him in?

But for what reason would they go to such lengths? The whole thing has been done so methodically and carefully that it doesn’t seem just a thrill kill. 

San decides he is going to look into it. But first, he’s going to try to get his body to work with him and get to the bathroom without throwing up on the way. He has never been poisoned before, so he doesn’t have much reference of how quickly his body will purge whatever they gave him out of him. 

Yeosang stirs at the undignified squeak he hears right next to his ear. It feels like Wooyoung is spinning next to him like a deceased artist in his grave when his legacy is getting disgraced. Where does he get the energy, they were out so late last night, covering their tracks...

”Wake up! This is serious!” Wooyoung makes it sound like he has tried to wake him at least five times already. Which he totally hasn’t, Yeosang would have noticed. He grunts in protest, curling up into a cocoon inside his blanket. Whatever it is, it can wait until noon. 

”No it fucking can’t! Now get up! You need to see this right fucking now! ” 

Oh, looks like Wooyoung has learned to read minds too. That’s new. Yeosang rubs his eyes. 

”What is it?” he mumbles as his loving boyfriend flips him over with more force than is necessary and thrusts his phone to his face. The offensive light makes him squeeze his eyes shut. Wooyoung is an absolute madman and a terrible person for not using dark mode. 

Eventually his sight returns so Yeosang can actually see what’s got his beloved so agitated this early in the morning. 

There are eight words on his phone screen. Or nine, rather, if one counts the sender’s name in. Which absolutely counts, as Yeosang is also suddenly feeling very awake and very shocked as he sees and slowly comprehends them. 

San

Did you try to poison me last night?

”Oh fuck.”

”You don’t say!”

Yeosang pushes himself up from beneath the blanket to look at Wooyoung, whose face is somewhere between disbelief and panic. 

”How in the- you said he drank the whole bottle!”

”He did!” Yeosang snaps defensively.
”I don’t understand. He should be dead.”

But the text message says otherwise. The question stares at them in the face, as if to mock them. Yeosang is almost certain he felt San’s pulse fade last night as he held him on the backseat. 

How does a guy even survive poisoning? Did they miscalculate when they spiked the water, putting in just too little to leave a small chance for survival? Would they have gotten so careless? That would be a first.

It makes them both jump when the phone vibrates again, to signal the arrival of another message. Carefully, they peek at the screen, nervous of what’s coming next. 

San

Anyway, can I get my wallet back at least? I need that.

A somewhat deranged laugh escapes out of Yeosang’s mouth. Not only has San somehow survived, but is now taunting them as well? And this is what he’s concerned about? No more questions about poisoning, just asking to get back his wallet that Yeosang took from him in the car. Even if he survived, the poison must have affected him pretty badly. How has he even had time to notice his wallet is gone?

He looks at Wooyoung who stares back like he’s trying to convey a wordless message. Which he says out loud after a few seconds anyway.

”We need to finish the job”, he states.
”Before he goes to the cops.”

Yeosang nods.

They have never left any loose ends after them before. This is an abnormal misstep for them, but nothing that they can’t fix. Even if Yeosang doesn’t particularly like that they have to get messier than they usually do. 

He lifts himself out of bed completely and heads towards the bathroom. 

”Then we should do it right away. Hope he’s home.”

”And if he isn’t?” Wooyoung asks as he follows him, looking tense. Yeosang sucks in a breath. 

”Then we’re fucked and we have to go into hiding”, he offers an unhelpful shrug as he picks up all he needs for the speedrun version of his skincare routine. Wooyoung gives him an unamused glare as he follows suit. Even in a hurry, they refuse to forgo their morning routines. 

”Are you sure? I mean, we could just claim that we roofied and robbed him. No one knows we tried to kill him, and he’s not dead?”

”Still a crime. I refuse to spend even a month in jail, Wooyoung.”

”Just saying, I don’t think he can get us charged for attempted murder, at least”, Wooyoung hums as he beats the moisturizer into his skin.
”Not that it matters. Let’s just get rid of him.”

Yeosang nods as they pick up their toothbrushes. 

It takes them about half an hour to get ready after that, if only because they had to pick up extra outfits for them both and Wooyoung took unnecessarily long choosing the method for the cleanup they’re about to commit. Yeosang really doesn’t see the point. What does it matter what you use for murder, as long as it gets the job done? Preferably in the least bloody manner. Not because he’s squeamish about anything, but it just makes cleaning up after them so tedious. There’s a reason why they stick to poisoning as their modus operandi. It’s simple and clean, easy to slip to their chosen victims and leaves less evidence or reason to suspect a crime, and it’s still just as thrilling as any other form of murder. Or that’s what Yeosang believes, at least, as it is the concept of getting away with murder that is the most exciting for him in their.. work?

Yes, maybe it should be called work at this point, as picking wealthy victims and robbing them is their main source of income at the moment. Not probably the best thing to put in your CV, but he refuses to work in retail ever again. Maybe at some point they could consider a non-lethal sugar baby business. He should pitch that to Wooyoung at some point. But he can already imagine the response.

Where’s the fun in that?

Good question. While the chances of going to jail would be much lower, it probably wouldn’t hold the same thrill as what they do now. 

”He was really hot, though... is”, Wooyoung sighs when they have packed into the car and started driving towards San’s residence. Yeosang is glad the man lives in the suburbs. There are too many risks in an apartment building. 

”Why didn’t we fuck him first?”

”And leave all that DNA at the crime scene?” Yeosang huffs, amused.
”Sounds like you want to go to prison. You know they would probably separate us, right? We would have to settle for the ugly creepy cellmates they would stick us with. And there's very limited access to lube.”

”I’m glad that’s what you’re most worried about”, Wooyoung laughs, taking a turn to the left.
”Didn’t stop you from practically dry humping him in the car, though. I’m sure there were plenty of Yeosang germs left on him.”

”Fuck you. He’s hot.”

”And it’s a shame, because I don’t think he’ll agree on that threesome anymore”, Wooyoung laments. Yeosang has to agree. 

Sending the texts probably won’t do anything, but hey, at least San can say he tried. Wooyoung and Yeosang must have burner phones that they ditch right after they have their victims where they want them. They won’t see the messages, don’t feel any need to check, as they believe him to be dead. 

Yes, by now, as San sits at his desk and stares at the neat little notes he has made during the last hour or so, after puking the remnants of poison out of his system and treating the disgusting taste in his mouth with a cup of coffee, he is quite sure he just went on a date with a couple of serial killers. 

Last night is now a little clearer in his head, making it easier to recall details. Like how seamlessly they worked together, how they made sure San’s glass was never empty, and how they didn’t waste any time to offer him the water in the car. It was just innocent enough to not ring any warning bells, especially when he was drunk. A tried and true method, something they had no doubt done before. 

And the way everything was arranged in his home when he woke up... phone charging, him neatly tucked beneath his blanket. If anyone entered the house, they would have assumed he had simply passed away in his sleep. Only during an autopsy would it maybe have become clear that there was something suspicious going on. A bit of googling confirmed a passing thought San remembered from last night. Several people had been found dead in their homes, seemingly nothing else connecting them besides their cause of death: lethal substances. It was not enough to start an actual investigation, as the cases weren’t too frequent or there wasn't enough evidence to go further. Most of the victims were described as party animals. Sometimes alcohol and drugs didn’t mix well in one’s body. It could simply be a morbid coincidence. But San didn’t miss the detail of how most of the victims looked quite wealthy as well. Probably had all their wallets stolen as well.

Having lived a considerably long life, San has, after several mishaps, coached himself into a simple mindset. Don’t get involved if not necessary. He could do that. He could let it be, let Wooyoung and Yeosang assume they had succeeded in killing him and go on about his day. 

But he also really wants his wallet back. Not that he can’t get a new card, and he doesn’t even carry that much cash, but there were so many discount coupons he has been saving. And it’s a nice wallet, quality leather and all, it has served him for years and still looks like new. It might be petty, but San is immortal. He can afford to be a little petty. And for a moment he giggles at the idea of Wooyoung and Yeosang seeing his message. How would they react?

Not well, he finds out very soon. 

San doesn’t have a peephole in his front door so there’s no way for him to check who’s ringing the doorbell, but honestly, he should have expected this. 

Namely, his dates standing on his doorstep, wearing steely expressions and their body language screaming that this isn’t a friendly visit, or a promise of a second, less murder-y date. 

And if that isn’t enough to drive the point home, Wooyoung actually grumbles an order to let them in. It almost sounds threatening. But it also makes San want to laugh. He manages - barely - to hold it in as he steps back, even though he’s quite sure it’s a move no sane person would make, when the chance to slam the door shut, lock it and call the police is an option. He glances at Wooyoung’s hands when the man steps inside and - oh. That’s one wicked looking knife he’s holding.

San remembers one time he’s been stabbed before, when he hadn’t quite learned to mind his own business. It was not a pleasant experience, and he would rather avoid a repeat. 

He takes a look at them once more. Damn, it’s barely noon and he’s still a little hungover from everything he consumed last night... how do these two somehow look immaculate even when they’re dressed in sweatpants and black t-shirts? There’s no signs of fatigue on their faces, skin glowing in perfect condition and-

He snaps out of it when Yeosang pulls the door shut and Wooyoung shoves him a bit, to drive him further into the house. San retreats obediently, practically leading them into his living room. 

”So... I take it you’re not here to return my wallet like I asked.” 

Yeosang stares at the man, in disbelief. Not only is San somehow still alive, not only is he straight up taunting them with that fact, but he doesn’t even look all that rough, despite all the drinks and the bottle of diluted poison he chugged down last night. Sure, there’s a slight case of a bed head going on and he hasn’t switched out of the pajamas Wooyoung had randomly picked out of his closet to stuff him in, but he doesn’t even look like he has spent any time throwing up this morning. Which Yeosang is sure must have happened, considering what the poison does to the body. 

But San looks so cozy and inviting, standing in the middle of the living room. It’s almost annoying and Yeosang can hear Wooyoung’s earlier regret of not fucking him first ring in his head. He shakes the thought off with considerable difficulty. They’re here to finish the job and cover their tracks. 

”You must be really dumb to think that was even a possibility”, Wooyoung scoffs, spinning the knife in his hand. A trick he has learned just to show off, despite almost never having to actually stab anyone. 

”And even dumber to let us know you lived. Somehow.”

San gives them a sheepish grin as he shrugs. 

”Didn’t hurt to try”, he says, sticking his hands into the pockets of his pajama pants.
”And, well you guys look just as pretty in daylight, so I like to think I won something here.”

How can a guy in immediate mortal danger appear so chill is beyond Yeosang’s understanding. He doesn’t get how San still seems enamored by them either. If it was Yeosang, he imagines he would be rather pissed at the theft and attempted murder. 

Sure, he knows rich people are usually more or less weird, but this might take the cake out of all they have picked as their victims. How did none of San’s weirdness come up when they were chatting? 

He steps forward, next to Wooyoung. Just in case San tries to run, or attack. He’s got broad shoulders and, according to his messages, he’s an expert in taekwondo, but Yeosang is fairly confident he can overpower him if needed. After all, there’s two of them, he’s strong and Wooyoung is no slouch either. 

”Look”, San sighs, his posture still relaxed, like he’s the one holding the cards in the situation - which must be a bluff, unless there’s a police squad hiding under the couch cushions, waiting to jump on them, Yeosang thinks. 

”I just want my wallet back, and then we can all go on about our day, alright? Or I mean we can hang out too, I got good wine stashed somewhere.”

Oh, there must be a trap set in here. Yeosang and Wooyoung turn their heads at the exact same second, sharing a look of understanding. They’re both on the same page. San, however, must be reading a whole different book. His smile is way too genuine. It unsettles Yeosang. 

”Why would we do that when we can just make sure you won’t snitch?” Wooyoung asks, holding up his knife again.
”Sangie, make sure he doesn’t run.”

Yeosang approaches carefully. To his surprise, San doesn’t run, doesn’t try to kick him. Doesn’t really even struggle when Yeosang grabs him, restraining his arms. Instead, he has the nerve to look mildly inconvenienced.  

”This is really unnecessary, darlings”, he sighs. 

”I think it’s really necessary”, Wooyoung shakes his head. 

”But stabbing really hurts, and I don’t want blood on my furniture...”

Oh god, he has the audacity to pout. Yeosang squeezes on San’s arms with a little more force, it actually gets a tiny squeak out of the guy. 

”Get on with it, Wooyoung”, he almost snaps. The whole situation is starting to annoy him. San’s attitude is confusing and they’re wasting time. Cleaning up blood is such a time consuming task and every passing minute there’s a chance someone in the neighborhood will see something they shouldn’t. 

And he wants to get to the gym before lunch. 

Thankfully, Wooyoung obeys him. 

”C’mon guys, it really is useles-”

San is interrupted by Wooyoung when he takes a couple swift steps forward, grabs his shoulder, and stabs him in the chest. 

And he doesn’t stop there, San sees when he makes a noise somewhere between surprise and pain, even if he doesn’t actually feel the pain. 

One, two, three stabs turn into six, seven. Most of them hit his chest, like Wooyoung is playing a weird version of whack-a-mole and trying to locate his heart. In fact, San is sure he has already hit it at least once. This is a bit of an overkill. 

”Ugh! Wooyoung! You got blood on my face!” he hears Yeosang’s annoyed shout right next to his ear as his vision starts to get blurry. He feels the man holding him let go, and he falls on the floor with a loud thud. 

”Quit whining, you’re used to having a guy’s DNA on your face anyway. You think that’s enough?”

”Fuck you, now get the fucking plastic wrap!”

”No, are you sure he dies from that?!”

”You stabbed him like ten times! Now hurry before the blood gets everywhere!”

San would laugh at their bickering if his mouth wasn’t full of blood. Ah, Wooyoung must have got his lung too. He hopes he’s not bleeding on his carpet. It’s fairly new, and he bought it on sale. Maybe Yeosang is nice enough to pull its corner to safety in time. 

His sight goes all black and he starts to feel unpleasantly cold. He hopes the two won’t bury him very deep, or throw him into a cement mixer. It’s going to be a bitch to dig himself out. 

Well, looks like he’s not getting his wallet back today. 

Chapter Text

San returns to the books of the living fairly quickly. And wakes up a bit too early, to pain. He hoped he wouldn’t have to experience the indescribable unpleasantness that is his chest pulling itself back together. He grimaces as he tries to take deep breaths. Breathing is still kind of painful, Wooyoung definitely got his lung and it hasn’t fully healed yet. Regeneration is such a handy thing, but he would very much prefer to stay unconscious while it happens. 

If he could fall asleep for half an hour or so, that would be great. Yeah, a nap sounds perfect- ah, fuck. That’s the lung fixing itself, alright. Does it have to sting so bad? San whines pitifully inside his head, would do so out loud but all that comes out is quiet fizzling that somehow sounds even more pitiful. Thank god Wooyoung and Yeosang aren’t here to hear it anymore. At least San presumes they aren’t. He hears no sounds from the house. 

Perhaps he passes out somewhere in between, because the next time San can form a somewhat coherent thought, the pain has subsided considerably. Slowly, he tries to move his fingers, get his senses to work. Ah, there we go. His fingers meet a thick blanket of plastic. He tries to wiggle lightly, to feel and hear the rustling of the material. 

Looks like they wrapped him into a neat package. Well, that should mean that his carpet and floor are safe. At least he hopes so. Carefully, San opens his eyes, slowly adjusting to the light. The smell of blood lingers on his nose, making him grimace. His clothes must be soaked in it. Gross. 

When his sight agrees to cooperate, he is pleased to notice that his lovely killers have indeed wrapped him nice and tight in some kind of thick plastic wrap that has successfully prevented him from bleeding all over the floor, and have also cleaned up all potential stray blood there might have been. 

However, he is less pleased to notice that they have wrapped him so tight that he can’t get himself out. 

It takes a lot of wiggling, finger acrobatics and other uncomfortable moves but eventually he manages to pull his phone out of his pocket, dial one of his emergency contacts and put the call on speaker without accidentally hanging up. Thankfully, Yunho picks up quickly. 

” Hello? ”

”Hey man, are you busy?” San greets, a little strained as he has to lift his head a bit. 

” Not really, my shift is ending in like 30 minutes and that’s not enough time to be productive anymore. ”

”They put you to work on a Sunday? Yikes.”

” National security doesn’t care about weekdays ”, Yunho chuckles. San has to laugh along. It is true, he should know. Then again, he’s probably the only person in their workplace who always has his weekends free. 

”Anyway, I’m gonna have to ask you to come and free me”, he states. It’s better to get straight to the point, his position on the floor is quite uncomfortable for a casual conversation. 

” Did you get locked into the archive again? ” Yunho asks, and San can hear the confused frown that must be on his face. 
” Wait, have you been there the whole weekend and you’re only calling now? ”

”No, no”, San replies quickly. 
”I got murdered and now I’m stuck in a plastic wrap. And you’re the only one with a key to my house, so...”

” You got WHAT?! ”

”Yeah, so if you could stop by when you get out of work, that would be great.”

Yunho must have either left early or broken at least a dozen traffic laws, because San can tell it hasn’t even been 40 minutes since the call ended when he hears the front door open. He lifts his head once more as he sees Yunho appear at the living room doorway, mouth open in light shock. He can’t help but grin sheepishly. 

”Hey there.”

Yunho takes slow steps forward, scrunching his nose at the stench of blood when he squats down next to him. 

”... how exactly did you manage to get yourself into this?” he asks, his eyes scanning San’s current situation warily. 

”Wow, someone’s really feeling sympathetic”, San half scoffs, and is met with an eye roll. 

”You’re way too nonchalant here to convince me that this came to you as a shock so excuse me for not feeling particularly worried”, Yunho counters. 
”And I want to hear how this happened.”

”I will tell you after you free me. And I need to shower too”, San states. 
”The clothes are really starting to stick to my skin and I feel really gross, and I would love to move around a bit more.”

Yunho huffs and San isn’t sure whether he’s amused or not. But he gets to work and it only takes a couple minutes for him to be free once more. 

Ohhhh, that’s a lot of blood. Most of it has soaked into his clothes enough so he’s not dripping all over the place. Much. He doesn’t even bother standing up but instead uses the plastic wrap that now lays underneath him to slowly scoot himself towards the bathroom. He’s not sure whether the noise Yunho makes is out of amusement or exasperation. 

”Hey, I’m trying to make this as clean as possible!” he defends himself anyway. 

”You could have just asked me to bring you a towel.”

One long shower later, they sit down at the kitchen table and San gets to finally explain to his favorite coworker and friend what’s actually going on. And he would be lying if he said Yunho’s face isn’t absolutely priceless when he tries to process the story San has just narrated. 

And it gets even better when he explains the path of action he is about to follow next. To Yunho’s credit, he schools himself into a calmer expression within seconds and never once interrupts him like he half-expects him to. 

”I have a question”, is all he says. 

”Hm?”

”What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Yunho says it with such a deadpan voice that San didn’t know he could be capable of producing. It gets a giggle out of him. 

”A lot”, he admits. 
”But hey, they’re hot. What can you do?”

”Not provoke a couple of lunatics who already murdered you. Twice ”, Yunho offers with a sigh. 

”It’s not provoking! I just want my wallet back”, San claims with a pout he knows doesn’t work on Yunho anymore. Its effectiveness has worn off during the years. 

”They have all my hard-earned coupons!”

”Mm-hm, and you still want to fuck them, for some ungodly reason.”

”I haven’t thought that far yet, I was just going to ask for a second date.”

”I would call you a masochist, but I feel like that does not cover your nonsense well enough”, Yunho states. San sticks out his tongue in retaliation. 

”Whatever, will you help me or not?” he asks. 

”No.”

”Please?”

”No.”

”Pleaaaase?”

”San you know that’s kind of illegal, right? I don’t want to get fired if someone catches us”, Yunho protests, but he sounds like he has already given in. San grins victoriously. You can’t argue with an immortal for long. 

”I will take all the responsibility, and they’re not going to fire me. I’ve been there longer than anybody”, he says, knowing he’s right. Their employer would never even imagine getting rid of him, considering he’s been there for at least four decades now. Although there might be a small risk of getting actually locked into the national security service’s archive forever. Not that San dislikes his workplace, but it would get very boring eventually. They wouldn’t probably even let him out for lunch breaks, which meant Yunho would be deprived of his lovely company and have to settle for the other less fun guys from the tech support department. 

But that’s only a small risk. And they’re not going to get caught anyway, so there’s no need to worry. 

It only takes some token resistance and more whining, and finally Yunho sighs in defeat. 

”So, what are we looking for? Do you have any leads?” he asks. San hums quietly, trying to think of any. He picks up his phone to open the messages between him, Wooyoung and Yeosang. 

”... Yeosang said he goes to the gym a lot”, he says. 
”So I guess you get to sort through some security footage.”

Yunho raises a brow. 

”Do you know how many gyms there are in this city?” he asks, already looking like he regrets letting him out of the plastic wrap. 

”Many”, San nods. 
”But I think we should start with the 24/7 ones, I feel like those could yield better results.”

He has absolutely no idea how long this is going to take, but San is patient. And he has a lot of things to keep himself busy in the meantime, like going to the bank to get a new card before Wooyoung and Yeosang have used up all his money on whatever nefarious things they can think of. San hopes those things include cute matching outfits, maybe some bunny ears to go with them too. 

The next week is quite uneventful, but as said, San is patient. He goes to work like usual, with no one but Yunho aware of last weekend’s events. While he technically has several things to do, his work pace isn’t that hard. That means San has a lot of time to form plans in his head while he oversees the digital conversion of top secret documents from the 70’s. 

No one has shown up at his house to check on him so far, so he’s pretty certain those two are convinced they got him for real this time. While them coming to him would probably make things much faster, San does think it might give him a better position to negotiate for the return of his possessions if he manages to catch them off-guard somewhere else. Like at the gym, for example. 

Despite his grumbling, Yunho got to work immediately, sorting through definitely-legitimately-acquired security footage from different gyms around the city, in the hopes of seeing Yeosang or Wooyoung visiting. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack - something Yunho never stops reminding him of whenever they meet at lunch break - but they don’t exactly have any other leads at the moment. 

Of course, Yunho is probably enough of a tech wizard to be able to track cell phones, but San has a feeling that would be a bit too big of a favor to ask, considering how much he’s testing his friend’s patience already - over a wallet, coupons and morally questionable thirsting for hot serial killers.

It’s a slow process, and San is prepared to wait for a long time. Of course, they may have already moved cities to cover their tracks, but from the dating app he can see that their location hasn’t changed yet. So either they have stayed, or have decided not to try attracting new victims elsewhere just yet. But San has a feeling they don’t really do the skipping town move. He doesn’t know why, but it just doesn’t seem right, given that they usually don’t even leave any marks that would suggest murder. 

To his surprise and joy, San only has to wait for a couple weeks. And that’s without any news of a new case of poisoning, suggesting Yeosang and Wooyoung have decided to lay low for now. 

But on one Monday, Yunho texts him to haul his ass out of the archive and to the tech support department, because he finally has something for him. 

”I think I found one of your honey trap boys”, Yunho points at his computer screen which shows a looping clip of security footage. San leans over his shoulder to peer at the clip. 

It’s not hard to recognize Yeosang at the corner of the gym, in front of the mirror doing stretches. San’s face lights up in a victorious smile. He makes a quick note on his phone so he can remember which gym it is. 

”Perfect.”

”So... what exactly is your plan here? Trap him while he’s bench pressing?” Yunho asks, one eyebrow raised in a way that tells San there is no way he can ever accept any answer to his question as sensible, other than maybe just giving up and forgetting about his coupons. 

”Don’t tempt me”, San hums as he watches the seven second loop over and over again. 
”When is he usually there?”

”I’ve checked tapes from the past week now, he comes in daily”, Yunho replied. 
”Mostly midday, but also late evening last Thursday.”

San nods, writing the information down on the note app. 

”I can’t exactly sacrifice my lunch break to confront him, so that means I have to keep an eye on the place and wait until he comes in the evening”, he muses, ignoring the dramatic noise somewhere between a laugh and a scoff it gets out of Yunho. 

”If it weren’t for the fact that they literally murdered you I would probably report you to the boss for being a stalker”, he jokes, getting a grin out of them both. 

”You already helped me so that would be your job on the line too”, San points out. 

”I know, now can we move on and pretend this didn’t happen, and you can try not getting murdered again? I don’t want to have to dig you out of a cement mixer.”

”I promise you that even if it happens, I will try not to die inside one of those”, San agrees, placing a hand over his chest like he’s making the most important promise of his life. Though he does agree on the sentiment that dying and waking up in the middle of cement mass would be most inconvenient, and he would rather avoid that.

He hopes the gym isn’t located near any construction sites. 

As San heads to the gym that evening to see if Yeosang makes an appearance, he does spot one construction site on the way there. But it’s a couple blocks away, so perhaps it means he’s safe. 

He observes the gym for the whole week, and it turns out Yeosang is apparently a man of routines, because he shows up on Thursday again. San makes a note of his black car in the parking lot, makes sure to remember the plate number he wasn’t coherent enough to look at when the two took him home from the bar. 

San waits for a good while after Yeosang has gone inside. He’s not in a hurry, and he intends to catch the man by surprise, preferably in a situation where he can’t just run away. About 25 minutes later, he gets out of his own car and walks in. 

There’s not much crowd at the gym, mainly a few older guys gathered to a corner while one of them is lifting weights and roaring out what must be some kind of archaic mating call. And in another corner, San spots Yeosang and his cute little ponytail, alone, dressed in a tank top that shows off his arms and fuck he looks good- wait, back to business, and setting the weights on the leg press. In a perfect ambush spot, San grins as he quietly walks over and leans close before Yeosang can even realize he’s there. 

”Hi there”, he whispers, causing Yeosang to violently flinch and almost connect his shoulder with San’s jaw. When he turns around, he pales considerably, like he has seen a ghost. Which... is fair, San reasons. After all, he got thoroughly stabbed the last time they met. Maybe the other thinks he’s an actual ghost. 

”What the fuck?” Yeosang asks so quietly that he almost misses it, in obvious shock as his eyes have widened almost comically. San makes sure to flash him the sweetest smile he has in his arsenal. 

”I was wondering if we could talk a bit”, he says calmly.
”Since, you know, last time you were too busy stabbing me to listen.”

He sees Yeosang’s eyes dart nervously around, to make sure no one else is listening. San doesn’t particularly care if someone overhears them. It’s probably impossible anyway, considering how much noise the weightlifter behind them is still making. 

”Or do you want to finish your workout first? I can wait”, San offers amicably. Yeosang blinks slowly, once, then twice, like he has ceased to understand words. They share a silent eye contact for around thirty seconds, before Yeosang carefully continues setting the weights until there’s enough. San glances at the number and withholds a small whistle. Yeosang must have strong legs. 

”... are you going to stand there and stare the whole time like a fucking psychopath?” said man asks, and San can’t tell if he sounds more annoyed or terrified. It draws a giggle out of him. 

”Sorry”, he shrugs apologetically.
”I can wait at the parking lot if that makes you feel better?”

”... please do that.”

San hums affirmatively and turns around with a wave, heading back to the front door. 

It’s probably not a good decision, but he can humor Yeosang a bit, give him a moment to get over his shock. It’s easier to ask for his wallet when the other can actually hold a conversation. 

He proceeds to entertain himself by browsing the news app for a while as he leans against his car, waiting for Yeosang. For a moment San considers just waiting in the car, but from there he can’t see that well, it would give Yeosang a chance to escape. 

Thank goodness the night is warm, because he has to wait for at least 40 minutes, before a familiar figure steps outside and freezes when he notices him. San half expects Yeosang to bolt to his own car and drive away as fast as he can, possibly attempting a bit of a hit and run in the process. But instead Yeosang seems to have managed to get over the worst of his shock as he approaches him, though San notes he still has a slightly unnerved look in his eyes, even if he’s otherwise masking those feelings rather well. 

”How in the fuck did you live?” he snaps before San has a chance to say anything. 
”There was so much blood for me to mop on the floor after Wooyoung stabbed you, there’s no way!”

”Ah, yes, I appreciate that you cleaned up after yourselves, I was fearing for my carpet”, San chuckles.

” How? ”

”Regenerated”, he replies with a shrug, and he can tell Yeosang doesn’t believe him, so he decides to just move on to the more important matter. 
”Can I now have my wallet back?” 

Yeosang’s mouth drops open, like he’s utterly bewildered by the whole conversation, and San can see that the confusion is making him angry. It’s almost cute, if he ignores the fact that this is a man who has little to no qualms about murdering someone. 

”You have to be fucking joking. A wallet? What fucking game are you playing with us?” 

Wow, you wouldn’t believe someone so angelic looking to have such a foul mouth. San raises an innocent brow. 

”Nothing? I just want back what you stole”, he says. 
”Maybe a kiss to go along with it too, that would be nice.” 

”After you ruined my workout, you fucking demon maniac?” Yeosang huffs, takes a quick look around to see if there’s anyone else close by - there isn’t - and steps closer, invading San’s personal space. Not that it bothers him much. 

“Now, that’s not a very nice thing to say, is it?”

”I should just choke the shit out of you”, Yeosang grumbles, more to himself, but San manages to hear it. 

”Ooh, kinky”, he grins, unable to prevent himself from provoking the other. 
”I’ve never tried that before. Though I should probably tell you, again, that it’s not going to help you at all.” 

He can almost hear Yeosang’s mask crack as he leans in. The look in his eyes is now fully spooked and his whole body is tense as he finally seems to understand at least partially what he’s dealing with. It sparks somewhat sadistic joy in San to see it, making him giggle at his face. 

”So, the wallet, please?”

He doesn’t get his wallet back. 

He does get the shit choked out of him. Life too. Or maybe he just goes unconscious for a really long time, he’s not quite sure. But San does find out that being choked is nowhere near as sexy as he thought. 

Or maybe it’s that while Yeosang on top of him is a sight that he welcomes with pleasure, the fact that the man manages to look both scared out of his mind and bloodthirsty at the same time, and that he also just tackled San and caused him to hit his head to the ground kind of take away from the sexy atmosphere. The location being a parking lot doesn’t really do much to set an appropriately erotic mood either. 

At least he gets to feel and confirm that yes, Yeosang has absolute killer thighs as he sits on San’s chest, pinning him down. And his big hands are even deadlier. 

So yeah, San's final takeaway from this night is that he can move choking off from his kink list, to the ”never again” pile. It hurts a bit too much for his liking. That is his first thought when he finally regains consciousness. 

The second thought is that he’s stuck in a small, dark space, but the small tools digging into his calf tell him that he’s likely been put into the trunk of a car. Huh, at least Yeosang is efficient with the cleanup, and considerate enough to move him out of sight, so no poor gym goer has to witness him dead next to the car. They’re not moving, though, so maybe they’re just not yet heading towards a bay or a lake to dump San’s presumably dead body in. 

He digs out the key out of his pocket and presses the button that opens the trunk. Turns out he has been hidden in his own car, still in the gym parking lot, now mostly empty. San climbs out and takes a glance around. It’s very quiet for such a large city, it must be very early - or late. His phone confirms this, showing it to be a little past 2am. There is no sight of Yeosang’s black car anymore. Obviously. 

San presses his neck slightly as he shuts the trunk and hisses. Oh, there are some nasty bruises, aren’t there? With luck and his regeneration working fast, they will hopefully be gone in the morning. It’s too hot to wear a turtleneck at work and Yunho will give him judging looks. Well, he might get those no matter what he does, since he’s going to have to beg for help again.  

Even though Wooyoung hears the car pull to their front yard, to say he’s startled when the door is pulled open and loudly slammed shut right after is a bit of an understatement. It’s not something that happens often in their household. He tries to peek out of the kitchen, but he’s a bit too slow, as when he gets to the doorway, rapid steps have already stormed through the entire house, to the bedroom. Where he hears Yeosang scream into a pillow. Now that happens in this house more often, though usually Wooyoung would be there too, as the one drawing those screams out of his boyfriend. And he has to admit, Yeosang sounds more frustrated than usual, and not in a good way. 

So Wooyoung slowly makes his way to their bedroom and peers inside, to see how Yeosang has barely bothered to kick his shoes off and has thrown himself on the bed face down, the screams now having warped into more of a strange wail. His hands are shaking, too. Wooyoung is not sure if it’s intense trembles, rage or exhaustion. Or a weird combination of all three.  

”Baby?” he calls softly as he slides into the bedroom, gingerly approaching the bed. Yeosang wails some more but from the small movement of his head Wooyoung can see that he’s been heard. He sits down on the edge of the bed, giving Yeosang a pat on the head. 

”Did you pull a muscle?” Wooyoung inquires. Yeosang is acting really weird, and he can’t really come up with many reasons for him to be so frustrated after going to the gym. Isn’t working out supposed to blow off steam and all? Release the energy, sweat the stress off your body or something? Not that Wooyoung knows anything about it. While he does work out sometimes, he can’t remember a single time when it hasn’t made him feel like shit afterwards. Whoever claims exercise makes you feel good is a filthy liar and should be immediately stabbed with a really dull knife. 

Yeosang finally falls silent, and Wooyoung tries again. 

”What happened?”

He gets a frustrated groan in response. 

”Sorry, I still don’t speak caveman, sweet pea”, Wooyoung sighs, ignoring Yeosang’s half-hearted swipe at him when he finally pushes himself to sit up. 

When Wooyoung sees his boyfriend’s face, he’s in for a surprise. While the sounds he’s been making are indicating nothing but frustration, Yeosang’s face speaks of another emotion. He looks almost... frightened? That’s... unusual. 

”You’ll think I’m fucking crazy”, Yeosang mumbles. Wooyoung raises a brow. 

”I’ve been thinking you’re fucking crazy for the past six years, you’re a little late”, he retorts, getting a little impatient. 
”Now out with it.”

”I saw San again.”

What.

”You heard me”, Yeosang says, despite Wooyoung not uttering the question out loud. Huh, he has learned to read thoughts. That’s new. 

”You’re fucking crazy.”

”Didn’t you just say that has been the case for six years?” Yeosang quips, shaking his head. 
”Woo, I don’t know what the fuck he is, but he’s not a fucking human.”

Okay, every third word is fuck, meaning Yeosang is actually terrified, Wooyoung notes. He quietly draws a breath, exhaling slowly. He hates having to be the calm and sensible one, but looks like it’s his turn. 

”Ok baby, now explain what happened, alright?” he prompts, taking a pillow and placing it on Yeosang’s lap so he has something to grab. He looks like he wants to wring heads off of some plushies. They don’t own any, so a pillow will have to suffice in case he goes through with the urge. 

”He ruined my fucking workout”, Yeosang whines as he squeezes the pillow, then proceeds to recount how San surprised him at the gym, how he told him to finish and meet him outside, after which Yeosang obviously couldn’t really do anything because he couldn’t focus, and then at the parking lot he said some shit about the wallet again, before apparently grinning like a demon and telling Yeosang killing him again wouldn’t do anything. Wooyoung sucks in a breath and nods along as Yeosang explains how he escaped after strangling said demon and hiding his body. 

”So...” he starts, but doesn’t quite know how to continue as he watches Yeosang’s fingers work the stuffing into tiny bits that will render the pillow unusable. 

”I don’t get it, people don’t just come back from the fucking dead”, Yeosang hisses, looking up at him, dead serious. Wooyoung has to agree. 

”So you’re saying... we seduced a demon?” he says slowly. It sounds ridiculous when said out loud. But he believes Yeosang when he says he met San again, despite knowing full well they killed him a few weeks back. Wooyoung made sure to check the guy wasn’t breathing anymore when they left his house. And no one survives that many stabs to the chest. 

Except a demon, apparently. Is this karma? No, Wooyoung refuses to believe in karma, mostly because they have a bit too impressive of a body count to repent anymore and look good in front of whatever divine power that rules over such things. 

”What do we do?” Yeosang asks, despite knowing full well Wooyoung is just as lost as he is. That doesn’t stop him from grabbing Yeosang’s head gently and bringing him close. 

”I mean it’s not like he knows where we live”, he says, kissing his boyfriend’s forehead. 
”Maybe he gets bored eventually... let’s be careful, and if it starts looking bad, we’ll skip town or something. Or stuff him into a cement mixer. Let’s see him get out of that.”

Even weird sexy demons have to get tired of chasing their prey eventually, right?

Chapter Text

”No.”

”I didn’t even say anything yet”, San pouts. 

”You have the face that tells me you’re about to ask for something stupid and try to act cute when I tell you no”, Yunho deadpans, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans back in his work chair. San glances at said chair briefly in envy. The tech department has way nicer chairs than the archive. Maybe he should make some requests. 

”Yunhoooo”, he whines, batting his eyelashes, even if he knows it doesn’t really help. But that’s alright, he knows he can and will eventually wear his friend down. Yunho knows that in the end it’s easier to just go along with whatever he’s about to request, but he just has to resist at first, on principle. San can appreciate that. 

He leans on the other’s desk, careful to stay at a safe distance from the computer monitors. Yunho would probably strangle him if he would even nudge them. Tech guys are always so serious about their equipment. Or maybe it’s just that he gets on Yunho’s nerves and he knows he can’t cause any lasting damage to him. 

”Pleaaase?”

Yunho scoffs and San swears he has never seen anyone roll their eyes so dramatically. 

”So, how was your gym stalking operation?” he asks, already expecting the worst by the sound of it. 

”Got choked and dumped into the trunk of my own car”, San shrugs. 
”So not too bad. And!”

He raises a finger when it looks like Yunho is about to make another snarky comment, effectively silencing him. 

”I got more information! So now I just need a tiny little favor from my favorite person!”

Yunho raises a judging brow as he leans on his palm. 

”Funny”, he states. 
”I thought your favorite people are two psychos who have killed you three times.”

”I can have many favorites!” San defends, wagging his still raised finger. 
”But if you keep being a bitch you will lose that favor very soon!”

”You promise?” Yunho asks, hopeful, and laughs at San’s dramatic protests.  

From there, it only takes about five minutes until Yunho finally caves.

”Fine, you absolute masochist. What is it that you need?”

”An address!”

”Ah, great. Transitioning from a gym stalker to pure stalker. You know this is illegal, right?”

”So is murder, even if the victim is immortal”, San retorts. 
”This is the last attempt, I promise!”

Yunho raises a disbelieving brow. 

”Last before the next?” he asks. 

” The last ”, San emphasizes, his voice serious. 
”If this doesn’t yield any results I can go and buy a new wallet.”

And find another hot couple to insert himself between, he adds in his mind, and by the look of it so does Yunho, who sighs and nods. 

”And do you have anything that can help us find their address? I can’t exactly pull it out of my ass”, he asks. 
”I mean I guess I could just search with their names, but I can’t really guarantee anything. Serial killers might not have all their info up to date, you know?”

”That’s a start”, San nods and fishes his phone out of pocket, opening the notes app. 
”I also got their plate number, that could help?”

He shows the number to Yunho who is quick to write it down for himself. 

”Alright. Now don’t bother me until lunch, I’ll let you know if I find something.”

”I’ll be sure to come back and bother you in a few hours then~” San promises with a sickeningly sweet tone, satisfied as he walks back to the archive. 

Maybe it will be his last attempt, maybe not. Wooyoung and Yeosang are quite amusing, not to mention unbelievably hot, but San has to admit that getting continuously murdered isn’t all that pleasant. But maybe, just maybe, he can make them listen by appearing on their doorstep. Catching them off guard like that, and not making the same mistake as at the gym and giving them time to think of an exit strategy, could give him an opportunity to clear things up and come into a lovely agreement. 

He has to wait for that opportunity for a few weeks again, but that’s alright. Maybe it will make Wooyoung and Yeosang think that they truly got him this time, or that he at least gave up. 

Honestly, San is a little surprised he hasn’t caught them stalking his house or anything. He thought they would have done so, and learned from their past mistakes. But no, he gets to spend his evenings in peace, with no one coming to knock on his door with a knife. Even though he, well, not outright stated but at least heavily implied that he would just keep coming back. 

The more San thinks of all of their encounters after the date, the harder it gets to avoid the conclusion, that despite appearing like everything is in their control at first, his killers aren’t actually all that smart. 

But that’s okay, San likes his men a little dumb. If anything, it makes him feel better for all the times he makes bad decisions. Which, lately, has been quite often. 

He drives by the gym on Thursday night but there’s no sight of Yeosang. Looks like he ended up changing his routine a little. San doesn’t blame him. He must have scared him enough to make them keep a low profile for a while, perhaps to change to another gym altogether to do his daily squats. There’s no way he would abandon the routine completely. 

After San finishes his work on Friday, making sure all the freshly converted files are in the right place and appropriately locked behind passwords, he stops by Yunho’s workstation to pester him a little, getting mostly tired looks in response which tells him his friend is approximately 126% done with his bullshit. He doesn’t feel too bad about it, or the fact that Yunho is obviously not in a hurry to track down the killer couple’s address. They both have their actual jobs to do as well, he understands his little hunt isn’t the number one priority. But maybe it could still be done a little faster. San makes a note to himself to bring Yunho some coffee on Monday, maybe a pastry to go along with it, as a bribe.

Maybe that’s exactly what was needed, because the very next day, after San’s generous incentive, Yunho calls him over and presents him with an address. 

”Outside the city”, he chuckles when San slides next to him, pointing at the screen which has Google Maps open. 
”At least they got one serial killer staple right.” 

San nods as he looks at the pin on the map. It’s not actually that far if you measure it in straight line distance, but from a city dweller’s point of view, the house might as well be located in the middle of nowhere. When they check the street view, they see a house that’s on the smaller side, and it must be at least 40 years old. It must have been cheap, San guesses, briefly wondering if the pipes even work all year or if they freeze during winter. And he has to admit that Yunho has a point: the house looks exactly what one would imagine a serial killer’s residence to look like. 

He writes the address down. 

”So... do you have a plan that isn’t stupid this time?” Yunho seems to think for a good while before actually speaking the question out loud, not sure if he wants to entertain what he perceives as San’s lunatic quest. The shrug he receives probably does not soothe him at all. 

”Not really. I have a stupid plan, though”, San replies with the truth. 
”Go there, knock on the door and present my case, hoping they won’t just stab or shoot me on sight. If I’m lucky, I can get there when one of them is out, it’s probably easier to talk to just one of them.”

”Last time that ended with one of them choking the shit out of you and stuffing you in the trunk”, Yunho points out. San rolls his eyes. 

”I thought we agreed not to bring that up again?”

”We didn’t.”

”Whatever, that’s the plan anyway. And if it doesn’t work, consider me defeated, I guess”, San states. Yunho scoffs, half amused, making him pout. What is he expecting, a miracle? San is immortal, not a mastermind or superhuman! There are only so many things he can do and coming up with idiot proof plans isn’t one of them. 

”Fine, just let me know when you’ll do it so I know when I have to start checking nearby bodies of water for your corpse”, Yunho shrugs, closing the tab and returning to his puzzle game. 

”I can swim”, San points out over his shoulder, having already turned away. 

”That doesn’t help if they dress you in cement block shoes.” 

San really hopes Yeosang and Wooyoung aren’t smart and cruel enough for that. 

When the time comes (and he is patient enough to wait until the weekend arrives), San actually does text Yunho that he is about to make his attempt. Maybe it will help him somehow. Maybe not. But it’s nice that someone cares about his well-being, despite his spectacular lack of self-preservation. 

Yunho leaves him on read for at least an hour, before finally replying with a ”try not to get murdered”. San promises to try, but if he’s being honest, he’s probably not going to try very hard. 

He decides to do it on Sunday, around noon. Since Yeosang usually goes to the gym around that time, meaning there’s a good chance Wooyoung will be left home alone. As talking to Yeosang alone didn’t end that well, San figures it’s better to try the other this time, even if Wooyoung seems to be the even more unhinged one of the two. 

He spends almost an embarrassingly long time getting himself ready that morning, taking his time to make sure his hair looks just right and choosing his outfit like he’s going on another date. Which, of course, he wouldn’t mind. Maybe the stars will align, Wooyoung will listen to reason, give back San’s wallet and then allow him to take the couple out for a Sunday brunch. He knows a few spots that they would absolutely love. 

That would be San’s ideal chain of events, he muses as he hops into his car and sets the killer couple’s presumed address on his GPS. He knows exactly how dumb his optimism is, considering his track record, but a man can dream. Especially since he has an almost one hour drive ahead, he has to entertain himself somehow. Daydreaming and blasting questionable music sound like good options, distracting enough but not as much that he will crash the car.  

He switches off the GPS when he gets close enough and slows down before taking a turn to the left. The house isn’t glued to the larger road, but not too deep in the woods either, which San is thankful of. Not every serial killer cliche is attractive, and too remote a living spot is a bit of a minus on his list. It’s way too inconvenient to live like that, he has no idea why Wooyoung and Yeosang have made such a choice. Maybe one of them inherited the house from a distant relative, or they just murdered the former resident, probably some old man who no one bothered to check on for the last decade or so. San stops the car on the side of the road a little before the house and climbs off. It might be for the best that he doesn’t alert them of his arrival by parking right in front of the door. 

The street view has likely not been updated in at least five years either, but San is pleasantly surprised to see that the house seems to be entirely intact when he gets to the front yard. No glaring holes in the roof, not a single broken window and the paint isn’t scraping off, as far as he can see. Even the yard itself is almost neat, with a bit of overgrown grass and bushes that reveal the residents aren’t really into gardening, but at least there are no death traps, dangerous tools carelessly tossed aside or animal carcasses lying around, so that’s something. 

San spots a garage, and he can also see that it has likely been never used for its intended purpose. But there’s no car standing anywhere in sight, which means at least one of the guys is out of the house for now. Just like he wants it. Or if they’re both out, he can just break in and wait until they come back. A little bit of criminal activity like that won’t hurt anyone. And it would be quite hypocritical of them to complain. 

But first, he will try the polite approach. San walks to the front door and presses the doorbell, then stands and waits.  

The sound is almost foreign when it pulls Wooyoung out of the drama he’s watching. They rarely - okay, never - have guests coming over. Every time they meet someone, they insist on going over to that person’s place instead. Usually it’s accepted without complaints, given that their house is in a bit of a remote spot. No one wants to drive for that long. 

Yeosang would never ring the doorbell. No, if he forgets his keys, he would just bang the door, try and see if it’s open and maybe call Wooyoung and scream to let him in. But none of those things are happening. Just a single, polite ring. 

Wooyoung hoists himself up from between the couch cushions that are doing their best to swallow him whole and rolls to the front door, annoyed that they don’t really have windows that would grant him the view of who’s waiting behind the door. That’s a truly glaring flaw in the house if there is any, since the front door doesn’t even have a peephole. Maybe they should renovate a little, how hard can that be? Especially if he focuses on planning and makes Yeosang do most of the work. He doesn’t need to break a sweat and his boyfriend gets to show off his strength and muscles and how good he is at listening to instructions and hammering nails to a wall or whatever. It would be a win-win for them both. 

His mind gets to conjure a rather titillating, if a little hazardous and more than a little unrealistic scenario relating to Yeosang and renovating, but he snaps out of it the second he opens the door. 

And comes face to face with a smiling San. 

Wooyoung’s first instinct is to scream like a demon. His second instinct is to slam the door shut at the demon’s face as fast as he can. 

”Wooyoung?”

Why is he at their house? What the hell?!

”Wooyoung?” the devil beast calls through the door, and while his voice is pleasant as always, it makes Wooyoung suddenly want to pray to a higher power to save him. 

”Please, darling, there’s no need to act like this. I just want to talk.”

Oh, no. Hell no. Wooyoung backs away from the door, hoping it is locked when he slammed it shut. Why now? When he’s home alone, with no Yeosang by his side to calm him down and tell him how to approach this rationally? Wooyoung’s eyes dart wildly at every corner. 

He needs a weapon and he needs it now. 

”Wooyoung, please. Open the door? Let’s discuss this like adults”, San tries. He gets no answer. 

Well, this isn’t going as well as he hoped. He didn’t expect Wooyoung to scream at his face like a banshee and slam the door shut without even hearing him out. Oh, well. That won’t stop him. Though maybe he shouldn’t try to break the door. That might send the wrong message. 

He knocks again. 

”Wooyoung? Could you please open the door? I promise I won’t hurt you, darling”, San says calmly, but loud enough that he can be heard through the door. 
”Look, I’m just standing here unarmed and everything. I’m not going to do anything. I just want to talk. I don’t think I explained myself to Yeosang well enough the last time I saw him.” 

He knows he’s sliding into rambling mode, and makes no move to stop himself. 

”And I would really like my wallet back too, you know. I know I canceled my credit card, but I’m sure you noticed I had quite a bit of discount coupons I’ve been saving there, and some other important stuff I need, you know? And I really like that wallet, it has sentimental value. So could you please, sweetheart? I only need five minutes of your time. And maybe-”

He’s cut off by a loud noise, a boom , to be exact. A gunshot? He recognizes it a little late. 

Though you can't really blame him, since at the same time, part of the door just bursts into pieces. There’s another boom , and something hits him, sending him a few meters back. He lands on his back on the grass, the world around him is going dark really, really fast. 

Oh, right, that’s what a shotgun blast sounds like. 

San isn’t granted many thoughts after that, but he thinks that there might be a hole in his chest.  

Is it weird to answer your phone when you’re standing in the locker room with only a towel covering you? Maybe, but Yeosang doesn’t bother to feel embarrassed these days. If someone wants to stare at his body, they’re welcome to do so. He has more important things to do, such as finding out what his boyfriend wants, since he has already tried to call twice while Yeosang was in the shower. 

”Hello?”

” GET YOUR ASS HERE ASAP WE’RE IN DEEP SHIT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! ” he has to bring the phone further away from his ear, due to Wooyoung not knowing what speaking in a normal voice means. Though even without seeing him Yeosang can sense the full blown panic that has swallowed his boyfriend and is now in the process of digesting him. 

”Wooyoung, what’s going on?” he asks while quickly scurrying to the bathroom - still in nothing but a towel - and locking the door. He has a feeling this is not a conversation suitable for the ears of any curious bystanders. 

” THE FUCKING DEMON CAME TO OUR PLACE! ”

... oh. Oh fuck. 

”... San is there?”

” YES HE CAME KNOCKING! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?! ”

”Tell him to fuck off?”

” TOO LATE I ALREADY SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST AND NOW THERE’S A HOLE IN THE DOOR! ”

Oh. That’s... well, a very rash, very Wooyoung way to solve a situation. Wait, hold on...

”Where did you get a gun?” Yeosang frowns. He doesn’t recall buying one, and Wooyoung has never mentioned it either. Guns aren’t really their thing, and getting one, let alone a permit, is a pain in the ass. 

He hears Wooyoung draw a breath so deep that it sounds like someone attempted to bury him alive and he has just finished clawing himself out of the dirt seconds before suffocating. 

” There was one when we moved in, remember? The shotgun!”

Maybe he remembers, if he tries really hard, but honestly, Yeosang isn’t quite sure. It’s then that the last part of an earlier sentence registers in his brain. 

”Wait, you shot him through the door?!”

” I PANICKED!” and Wooyoung’s back to screaming again. 
”THE FUCKING DEVIL BEAST WAS TRYING TO GET IN! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?”

”Not shoot him through the fucking front door, you psychopath!”

” SAYS THE FREAK WHO STRANGLED HIM ON A PUBLIC PARKING LOT! NOW GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HERE RIGHT NOW! I NEED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH HIM!”

Yeosang inhales and counts to ten. 

”... is he dead?” he asks then. It sounds like a stupid question, considering Wooyoung apparently shot San to the chest with a goddamn shotgun, but this is San they’re talking about. They’ve tried to kill him three times - four now - and every time he has come back without a scratch on him. 

He hears Wooyoung open the door and step outside to check. 

”I mean he’s not moving and there’s a big ass hole in his chest?”  

A confirmation of death can’t get much clearer than that, but Wooyoung still manages to sound unsure. Yeosang doesn’t blame him. 

”Well, he can’t stay there, I don’t want a corpse staining our yard”, he states. Someone knocks on the bathroom door. He ignores it. 

” What am I supposed to do, dump him into the bushes? You have the car!” Wooyoung protests. Yeosang wishes audible eye rolls were a thing. 

 ”Bury him. There’s a shovel in the storage and a lot of space and softer ground in the backyard”, he instructs, and gets whiny noises in return. He’s having none of it. 
”Oh don’t give me that, you know how to use a shovel!”

” Can’t you just get here?”

”I will, but I’m fucking naked in a gym bathroom, so it might take a while!”

” Yeosang, baby, we need to have a talk about your exhibitionist streak.”

”Oh fuck you, this is your fault for calling me when I barely got out of shower!”

” Just get your ass here, naked or not! And don’t get arrested on the way!”

”Get to fucking work, I’ll be there as soon as I can!”

Yeosang sighs and ends the call, still ignoring the knocks on the door that grow more and more insistent every second. This is... not a good situation. And Wooyoung being whiny about having to do the heavy lifting for once isn’t helping. He should know by now that the helpless act doesn’t work anymore. 

But maybe, this time at least, they will see that San won’t come back to haunt them once again. They just have to make sure they put him into a package so tight and bury him deep enough that he has no chance of crawling out. Unless he has weird demon powers that will undo all their work instantly...

Yeosang really hopes San doesn’t have any other weird demon powers. 

He finally leaves the bathroom, staring down the guy who first gives him the stink eye, which quickly turns to visible unease when he notices Yeosang’s state of undress. He raises a brow as he steps past him. Has this guy never seen abs before? 

San isn’t feeling very hot right now. In fact, he feels sick. 

He remembers the one time he has been shot before. It was... not pleasant. But it also wasn’t enough to kill him, and he remembers how he had to dig the bullet out of his side himself, which was just nasty. But San has the habit of avoiding hospitals and sharp doctors who would raise eyebrows at his condition, and he just doesn’t want to deal with that anymore, it’s always such a hassle. Medical professionals freak out so easily, even when his body is just making their job easier by regenerating a wound faster than they can operate on him. 

Yeah, the first time he got shot was a very unpleasant experience. San thinks this time is even worse. Why is he feeling nauseous, of all things?! Must be the smell of blood that has made a home inside his nostrils and refuses to move out. 

His shirt feels sticky against his skin, too, gross. There’s a hole in the middle, exposing some of his chest that must have just finished sewing itself back together, as there’s no pain, but rather an uncomfortable feeling San is used to experiencing every time he has finished regenerating.  

Well, this really didn’t go according to plan. But in San’s tenuous defense, he did not expect Wooyoung to whip out a fucking shotgun and put a hole in his chest. And leave him to just lay on the yard, apparently, because San can feel the light wind tickle his face, meaning he hasn’t been buried, nor has he been dumped into the trunk of the car or any nearby river. 

It is that moment when his ears pick up a sound next to him. Somebody’s digging. And cursing under their breath. 

Very, very carefully, San cracks one eye open. And squeezes it shut immediately when the afternoon sun assaults him. 

Huh. He must have regenerated extremely fast today, the sun is still quite high up. That’s interesting. 

San opens his eyes once more. After quite a bit of squinting, and carefully lifting his head, he sees Wooyoung’s back, and that he’s the one digging the ground next to him and mumbling something to himself. 

Ah, he is only now making the moves to bury him. San has not been buried alive before, and he’s not particularly enthusiastic about experiencing that, or having to dig himself out. 

After his toes agree to move, he slowly drags himself a little further away from Wooyoung, who doesn’t notice, then sits up and watches him for a good minute. In addition to making a pile of dirt and a shallow pit, Wooyoung has somehow managed to shovel a good amount of dirt on himself and his rolled up sleeves and still has the audacity to look sexy. One man should not be allowed to look good cleaned up and covered in dirt! That is just unfair, San thinks. On the other hand, he wishes Yunho would witness this. Maybe he would then understand why San is head over heels for these two men, despite the multiple successful attempts on his life. 

When Wooyoung keeps digging the hole deeper and fails to notice that San has moved, San decides to stand up. Maybe this is his chance. 

He tiptoes behind the man, leaning over his shoulder. 

”Is that for me?” he asks, nodding at the hole in the ground. 

In hindsight, that maybe wasn’t his greatest idea. Wooyoung’s startled scream almost bursts his eardrums on the spot. 

And the swing of Wooyoung’s shovel actually breaks his nose on the spot and sends him right back on the ground. 

San roars in pain, but the noise quickly warps into more of an agonized wail as he holds his nose, which feels like it’s pointing the wrong way. Ugh, this is just the worst! It hurts, he is already covered in blood and now his face is going to be all bloody as well! 

He looks up to see Wooyoung, who is holding on to the shovel for dear life, but surprisingly, doesn’t look like he’s going to swing again to finish the job and bash his face in. Which San honestly appreciates, he would rather avoid the fate of becoming a shovel face. 

However, that doesn’t mean he will not complain. 

”Why did you do that?” he whines, but it comes out quite garbled. Wooyoung probably has no idea what he said. The man blinks in confusion, his brows furrowed together. For a moment he looks like he’s about to say something, but they’re both distracted by the sound of a car driving to the yard. San tries to fight through the pain and squints to see Yeosang step out of the familiar black car.

Yeosang freezes at the curious sight opening in front of him. Wooyoung is standing holding a shovel, right in front of a very much not dead San who is holding his nose. Yeosang can see that both of his face and chest are covered in blood. And somehow, despite all that grime on him, he still manages to look hot. Both men turn to look at him almost simultaneously before he even gets out of the car. Beside them, there’s a pile of dirt and a hole dug on the ground. 

”... Wooyoung, I said to bury him in the backyard! ”

Both Wooyoung and San stare at him with what must be the most incredulous looks mankind is capable of. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say first, Yeosang can admit that. 

”That’s what you’re concerned about here?!” Wooyoung screeches, waving the shovel in the air. Yeosang sees San dodge by rolling in the ground. 

”Among other things!” he yells back and gestures at San. 
”Why is he not dead?!”

”He was an hour ago when I fucking shot him!” Wooyoung defends. 
”Why the fuck did you take so long?!”

”I had to wage psychological war with some annoying freak at the gym! What the fuck happened just now?!”

”Um.”

It’s a relatively quiet sound, but it manages to cut off both of them. They turn to look at San, who has stood up, still holding his nose. 

”Please calm down, dolls”, San says, and he sounds surprisingly clear and coherent for someone who, by the looks of it, just had his nose broken with a shovel. 
”Now, what we’re going to do is that Wooyoung, you put down the shovel, and then you two sit pretty and finally listen to me.”

Yeosang glances at Wooyoung who looks both exhausted and unwilling to obey, but eventually, almost after a whole minute, does put the shovel down and takes a few steps away from San. Yeosang hurries to his side, clasping his hand to wordlessly ask if he’s alright. It’s totally not because he’s terrified of what the demon is about to do to them. 

Oh, finally. His nose has fixed itself and he can hopefully speak without sounding like a mosquito. San watches the couple as they hold tight onto each other, looking at him in confusion, anger and fear. He’s surprised that they actually obeyed him when all he did was use a slightly more authoritative tone. It’s actually kind of cute. 

”Ah, that really hurt”, he sighs as he lightly taps his nose, giving Wooyoung an accusing look, which causes said man to huff. 

”You sneaked upon me, demon! After I fucking shot you dead! What did you expect?!” he retorts, and, well, he kind of has a point. 

”Alright, that was my mistake. By the way, I’m not a demon, I’m just immortal”, San calmly replies, facing their skeptical looks. He smiles as he looks at Yeosang. 
”I already told you I can regenerate, so I’m going to come back to life no matter what. And while I still find you guys very charming and attractive, your continuous hurrying to find a new way to kill me is kind of getting old and I wish we could move on from that.”

He doesn’t get an immediate response this time. Instead, Wooyoung and Yeosang stare at him like he has grown tentacles out of his back, but San can see that the tiny gears in their pretty little heads are slowly starting to turn and process the information they’re fed. 

”... what do you want?” Yeosang finally asks, sounding wary. San sighs. 

”I’ve told you a million times, I want my wallet back”, he says. 
”Maybe a second date too. And right now, a shower, a glass of water and something else to wear would do nicely as well.”

”A fucking wallet?” Wooyoung can’t believe his ears. 
”If you’re immortal, shouldn’t you be like, loaded?”

”I’m pretty wealthy, yes. And? You still have my coupons!” San tilts his head. Why do they have to have such thick skulls? 

”Why the fuck do you even need those back? You’re rich, why are you being cheap?!”

”I got rich by being cheap! I’m a goddamn archivist and I’ve had the same job for decades, my salary isn’t that high!”

They fall silent again for a while, staring at each other. 

Eventually, after what must be at least two agonizing minutes, Yeosang opens his mouth. 

”How about...” he starts. 
”We go inside and talk?”

Finally, a sensible proposal. San steels himself. Now, he needs to make sure they won’t play any more tricks. 

”Sure. But neither of you is going to touch that shotgun or any other weapon anymore.”

Oh, Yunho would be proud of him if he saw him now. Or maybe just relieved that he’s not being a complete idiot. 

”Um...”

Yeosang’s mouth is forgotten open when he steps into their bathroom and sees San already in the middle of the process of stripping down. The man lifts his head up, but doesn’t stop unbuttoning his jeans. 

”Yes?”

”... I brought you a towel. And a shirt”, Yeosang gathers himself, placing said towel and shirt on a small stool they keep in the bathroom. San doesn’t seem to mind him staring, so stare he does. San’s chest is miraculously uninjured, despite the gaping hole in his shirt (that is now laying in the trash) and the fact that his entire upper body is covered in blood. 

San nods and thanks him as he slides his pants down. Yeosang stares a little longer than what can be considered polite. He only snaps out of it when the other chuckles. 

”Wanna join me?” San asks with a teasing smile, proceeding to grab the waistband of his underwear. Yeosang swallows, slow and heavy. 

”We’ll wait in the kitchen”, he replies, more high-pitched than usual. 

”Alright then. Remember, keep your hands off of anything lethal!” San reminds him when he turns on his heels. 

Yeosang is quick to escape the bathroom and into the kitchen, where Wooyoung is already sitting, holding a mug of hot coffee in a death grip. He’s going to burn his hands. 

”What the fuck do we do?” he asks quietly when Yeosang sits opposite him, but there isn’t much bite in his voice. Looks like they’re all equally tired of the cycle they’ve been repeating. 

”Maybe we just give him what he wants?” Yeosang suggests. They, in fact, do still have San’s wallet stashed somewhere, he’s pretty sure. Wooyoung raises a brow. 

”Are you sure? What if he’s fucking with us and is just waiting for a chance to get us arrested?” he points out. 

”I don’t think he is”, Yeosang states, shaking his head. It wouldn’t make sense to him, at least. 
”He would have shown up here with the cops in that case, don’t you think?”

Wooyoung has to agree with him, as he mulls over it for a while before he sighs, and finally seems to remember that his hands aren’t impervious to heat damage, as he quickly lets go of the mug. 

”I guess...” he nods. 
”So, you wanna do this?”

”Yes”, Yeosang nods and leans closer. 
”Unless you don’t want to? But you said it yourself that you wouldn’t be opposed?”

”Yeah, I said that. And I guess this is getting a little ridiculous.”

”Mhhm. So let’s do it.”

”It’s cute how eager you are about him.”

”Woo, I’m tired of killing the same guy and getting jumpscared by him being alive over and over again”, Yeosang leans on the table. 
”Besides, he’s cute, he’s rich and I just discovered his dick is huge. Don’t you think we should keep him?” 

Wooyoung snorts and almost spills his coffee. 

”You’re a slut. I love you”, he laughs, patting Yeosang’s cheek, to which his boyfriend sticks his tongue out and scrunches his nose. 

”Just wait until you see it, you’ll agree with me”, he states with unwavering confidence. And Wooyoung doesn’t doubt him at all. In fact, Yeosang’s idea is making a lot of sense, now that he thinks of it. And San is hot...

Hot, and probably pissed about all the murder and theft and nose-breaking. But let’s see, Wooyoung thinks. 

San appears in the kitchen about ten minutes later, scrubbed clean of all the blood and dirt and dressed in the shirt Yeosang gave him. The couple sitting around the kitchen table look up at him, and San notices that Wooyoung seems to stare at his crotch for a prolonged amount of time. He chuckles. The sound seems to snap them out of it again. 

”Um, you want coffee?” Wooyoung asks, raising his own mug. San shakes his head. 

”Just water, and I think I’ll just help myself”, he says, raising his hand when Yeosang makes a move to stand up. 
”I’m sorry darlings, but I’m not going to accept any drinks from you for now.”

That stops the two in their tracks, and looks like they see where he’s coming from. San goes on to open a few of the kitchen cupboards, before Wooyoung helpfully points him to the one where they keep glasses. 

After San helps himself to a few glasses of water - gods, he’s just parched, regenerating really drains you - he leans into the sink and crosses his ankles, looking at the couple who carefully follow his every move. 

”So”, he starts. 
”I assume you have something to say to me?”

The two look at each other, like they’re silently trying to decide which one should speak first. Eventually it is Wooyoung who shrugs. 

”Sorry for killing you like four times?” he offers reluctantly, sounding like a petulant child, but San is willing to look past that. He gives him a pointed look. 

”And for breaking your nose”, Wooyoung quickly adds and has the grace to sound actually apologetic. It’s kind of hilarious, considering murder is a more serious crime than assault with a shovel. 

”And for stealing your wallet and blue-balling you”, Yeosang continues, batting his lashes. 
”We have it here somewhere, you can have it back.”

San nods approvingly, cracking a satisfied grin. 

”That’s good. I guess I can forgive you two, since you’re cute”, he says. 
”And there’s really no point for me in holding grudges. No lasting harm done, as you see.”

He gestures to his body, huffing a quiet laugh as they stare shamelessly, now that they’ve been given an invite. 

”So, how about that second date?”

Despite the fact that San already said it earlier when he made his list of demands, Wooyoung and Yeosang still somehow look surprised. 

”What?” he asks. 
”I just said I don’t hold grudges, and you’re hot. I wouldn’t have put up with this otherwise.” 

Yeosang opens his mouth, but seems to be at a loss of words. 

”I mean... we wouldn’t mind”, he eventually manages. 
”It’s just...”

”What the fuck is wrong with you?” Wooyoung cuts in, staring at San, but there’s no real bite in his words. If anything, he sounds exactly like Yunho did when San first explained his situation. 
”You really wanna date two guys who already murdered you multiple times? What are you, a masochist?”

”I mean I’m not letting you do it again”, San replies with a huff. 
”And why not? You two are quite lovely, if you take out the murdery bits and the unnecessary bickering, and I can keep you away from your serial killing ways if you date me.”

”You can fix us?” Yeosang raises a brow with a snort. 

”Not really”, San shrugs. 
”Just gently remind you that I got enough dirt on you to get at least a couple years in jail, maybe a life sentence, so dating me is less of a hassle? Unless you really really really don’t want to, then I just have to blackmail you guys into not killing innocent people, I guess.”

”Blackmailing is kinda rude, you know”, Wooyoung points out. 
”What if we just keep you here in our basement?”

There’s no actual threat, San can sense that, so he just laughs.  

”Well, a friend of mine knows that I’m here, so if he hears nothing, he might show up with the law enforcement and/or our employers, which also means you’re fucked, and not in the good way”, he says. 

”Wait, how did you know where we live?” Yeosang interrupts. 

”Same friend did some digging. That’s how I knew what gym you go to as well”, San replies. 

”Wow, blackmailer and a stalker”, Wooyoung laughs, shaking his head. 
”Your track record is just marvelous, Choi San.”

”You’re literally a serial killer, Jung Wooyoung, you have no room to talk”, San grins back. 
”So, what do you say, dolls?”

Wooyoung and Yeosang look at each other for a couple seconds. Then they both stand up simultaneously. 

”How about we just skip the date?” Yeosang suggests as he slides closer. San happily welcomes him as he sticks to his side. 
”You can buy us dinner later with your discount coupons.” 

”Please excuse him, he’s insatiable”, Wooyoung grins as he follows suit. Yeosang makes a face at him. 

”Shut up, you’re just as bad.”

”Now now, let’s not fight”, San hums, allowing them to lead him further into the house. 
”Ah, that shower was really for nothing, wasn’t it..?”

”Nope”, Yeosang states firmly. 
”I would never have let you bring all that filth to bed.”

”You have your boyfriend to blame for that, darling.”

” Our boyfriend! He’s going to be your problem now too!”

”Hey, I’m right here! Besides, Sangie, it’s not like things don’t get filthy in the bedroom anyway.”

”Shut up, you freak.”

”Says the freak.”

”Please, this is not the dirty talk I signed up to”, San sighs. 
"And I think Wooyoung is also in need of a shower."

"You're right", Yeosang nods after checking out his boyfriend. 
"Woo, go clean up. We'll be in the bedroom, getting to know each other."

"Not fair!"

"Then I suggest you fucking hurry up."

The phone rings about five times before his call is picked up. 

” Hello? ”

”Hey, are you alive?” Yunho asks. 

”Well I answered the phone, didn’t I?”

”In your case that tells me nothing. Have you been buried alive?”

”Nope. I’ve only been buried in between a glorious set of pecs and had my soul sucked out of my body, but I feel better than ever!” San chirps, sounding way too smug and way too satisfied. It makes Yunho consider installing malware on his work computer. 

”... sounds like it went well then?”

”Perfectly, I’d say! Well, I mean, I did get shot and Wooyoung broke my nose-”

”Hey, I panicked!” a voice in the background pipes in. 

”Hush, I’m talking! Anyway, other than that, I think I’m golden.”

Yunho sighs. These guys, Wooyoung and Yeosang, must be even crazier than San is, and that’s an achievement. Though they are serial killers, so maybe that is a requirement to reach the level of an immortal when it comes to questionable decisions. 

”Good for you, I guess. You owe me big time, by the way”, he says. 

”I’m aware. By the way, I know I have a lot of savings but I don’t think I can provide for three people alone... do you think our agency would have a job for one or two poison experts?”

Yunho can’t help the slightly deranged laugh San’s question punches out of him. 

Well, they’re already employing an immortal person in their archives, so what’s a couple murderers sprinkled in to serve the greater good and all? 

”You could always ask, I guess.”

”Yeah, I’ll get back on that on Monday. What do you think, darlings?”