Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

John wasn’t used to being blind sighted. Usually he had the upper hand, but he’d trusted Terry more than anyone else in the entire world. No. Scratch that. He’d been the only one John had trusted at all. He hadn’t figured he’d needed to watch his back, but apparently Terry had just been waiting for him to let his guard down: lulling him into a false sense of security until the perfect opportunity to strike presented itself. Had he been planning this all along?

So much for lifelong loyalty. Turns out everyone’s allegiance was conditional - everyone’s.

Kreese was furious, and his anger had only intensified over the course of the last two days. What the hell else did he have to do but let his rage fester? He’d never felt more betrayed in his entire life. Never in a million years had he thought that Terry would ever do this to him- that he was even capable of it. He truly hadn’t see it coming, and that part bothered him too.

He should’ve stuck to no mercy because the second he’d shown an ounce of sympathy his enemy- wearing the guise of a friend- had taken everything from him: his dojo, his freedom, and the last shred of desire he had left to ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

In the end, everyone turned on you. That was the only absolute in life.

John’s attention snapped over to the door when it was jerked open and his name was called. Apparently he was being released. The complaining witness had suddenly recanted.

After collecting his belongings, he stepped out into the obnoxiously bright sunlight. He narrowed his eyes to try and block some it out.

Once his vision began to clear and he could make out all of his surroundings, a familiar face fell into view- the absolute last person he wanted to see right now, casually leaning against his car that was parked a few yards away.

John considered pretending he hadn’t seen him because he knew how this was most likely going to end and he’d just gotten the last set of assault charges against him dropped, but Terry’s gaze had flicked his way. He knew he’d noticed him standing there. That still didn’t mean he couldn’t ignore him, but Terry could twist that into him running away from a fight.

He had to stand his ground.

“What are you doing here?”

“I thought you might need a ride,” Terry explained, recoiling slightly at the harshness in John’s tone.

“I’ll walk,” he replied curtly. “I can use the fresh air.”

“I can put the top down,” Terry offered- still unable to look John directly in the eye.

“I don’t want to go anywhere with you,” John spat before he spun around and started to walk away. Terry had some nerve showing up here, acting like they were still buddies.

He knew better than to fully turn his back on an enemy though. (Jesus, how had they ended up here?) So when he heard Terry take a step closer as he called out to him, John circled back so that he was facing him again- dangerously close this time.

Terry rocked back on his heels but caught himself and replanted his feet firmly in place as he emitted a weary sigh. “Please, I just want to talk.”

John scoffed. Oh, now he wanted to talk - as if they had anything left to discuss.

“Careful, Terry. Your weakness is showing,” he said with a snarl.

Terry’s shoulders slumped, but he didn’t say anything. Why wasn’t he fighting back? In fact, not only was he not rising to the challenge but he was eerily calm- almost like he was sedated, and his eyes appeared glazed over. He definitely looked like he was on something which would be most unfortunate because it would slow his reflexes. Maybe this wasn’t the best time for Terry to try and confront him.

But that’s the thing: Terry wasn’t confronting him. Where had that cold, conniving, backstabbing version of him gone? His true form…

No matter how long and hard he searched for it, John didn’t see that person standing in front of him now. He couldn’t find even the faintest hint of insincerity or hostility in Terry’s tone, expression, or even his body language. Then again, he hadn’t seen it before either. Was this just another deceitful game- another ploy? And if it was, what did Terry hope to gain from it?

John hadn’t forgotten his promise to make him pay. Did he really want to make this worse?

It made him uneasy, but he was also curious.

Finally John made a decision- one that came almost as much of a surprise to him as it did to Terry.

“If you want me to get in, you’re going to have to move.”

Terry instantly rounded the vehicle and slid behind the wheel, half expecting John to ditch him the second he did. But he didn’t… he climbed into the passenger seat.

It was a start.

____________________________________

For someone who’d said he wanted to talk, Terry hadn’t said much- or anything, really. John hadn’t either. They’d taken the entire car ride in silence.

When they pulled into Terry’s driveway, John’s frown deepened. He’d brought him here? He’d assumed they were going to the dojo.

Terry noticed the subtle change in John’s expression and felt a pang of guilt. He knew what he was thinking about. This was where he’d plunged in the knife, metaphorically speaking. But it was also his home (one of them, anyway), and they would have more privacy here.

“Are you hungry? I can have my chef prepare us something for breakfast. Or if you’d rather just shower and sleep, I had a room made up for you.”

John cut his eyes over to Terry.

“A bit presumptuous, don’t you think?”

“I just thought-“

“I can eat- as long as you don’t try feeding me any more of that tofu crap.”

———————

Terry watched John poke at his food with an unreadable expression on his face. What was the problem? He’d had them fix all of Johnny’s favorites. Surely he hadn’t changed that much over the years.

Whatever. If John wasn’t going to eat, he still was even though his stomach was all twisted into knots. Honestly, he didn’t have much of an appetite but it beat sitting here, just staring at each other. Neither of them wanted to be the first to address the elephant in the room- the elephant that right now felt like it was lying on top of him, crushing all the oxygen out of his lungs.

They sat there for a couple more minutes before it finally dawned on him, and God… he wished John would just let him have it already because anything would be better than this. Did he really think he would do that?

Terry pushed his chair back and rose to his feet as he grabbed his plate and reached over to swap it with John’s.

Once he sat back down, he waited … hoping he was just being overly dramatic and had misread the situation. But his suspicions were confirmed when John, seemingly satisfied, finally stuffed a bite into his mouth.

“Wow, are you really that paranoid?” Terry asked in disbelief.

It’d just slipped out, but it had been a mistake to say it.

John clanked his fork down and leveled him with a look.

He didn’t need to open his mouth for Terry to know exactly what he was thinking. And okay, he deserved that. It’s not like he’d given John any reason to believe otherwise.

“I want to know why,” John demanded.

Well, that was the million dollar question, wasn’t it: why?

Truth is, Terry wasn’t sure. Everything had spiraled out of control so fast. There were moments that stood out to him- things that had happened… things that were said, but nothing monumental enough to rationalize his actions. There was no justification for what he’d done.

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly.

“You framed me for attempted murder, and you don’t know why? Bullshit. You’re just afraid to tell me.”

Could John really blame him? Anything he said would just sound like an excuse, and it’d only add more fuel to the fire. But not answering him seemed to have the same effect.

Terry’s brain felt fuzzy. What had he really hoped to accomplish here? God, he’d been such a fool to think that this could work: that they could move past this. Because clearly they still had a mountain of issues left to resolve and had seemed to hit an impasse.

There were so many things he wanted to say. He just… couldn’t get the words out.

Maybe John was right. Maybe he was just weak.

It was almost as if Terry had shut himself down, and John didn’t know what to do with that. Attacking him when he was like this felt like kicking someone when they were unconscious. He wouldn’t gain any gratification from it. However, if he wasn’t made aware of what had led them to this point, history was bound to repeat itself.

Fine. He would approach this differently then.

“What changed your mind?” Surely Terry could answer that, although he didn’t jump right in with a response to that either.

Terry disappeared from the room for a minute, and John considered leaving. This was going nowhere, and he couldn’t just sit here and pretend that nothing had happened. It simply wasn’t in his nature. In order to get past all this, he had to be able to make sense of it. If Terry couldn’t provide him with any clarity on the matter, then they had nothing left to discuss.

He was just about to take off when Terry returned and handed him a piece of paper. John recognized it instantly.

“You went through my things?” That was an invasion of privacy, and he didn’t appreciate it at all. Was that why Terry had locked him up: so he could snoop around and find leverage against him?

John pushed away from the table and started to pace. He was about to lose his temper.

He felt backed into a corner. It was his handwriting. Terry had found it in his desk. He couldn’t very well deny its existence or that he’d wrote it.

“Why didn’t you ever send this to me?” It changed everything.

All these years, he’d thought Johnny didn’t care about him anymore. He’d just vanished without so much as a goodbye. Then he waited 35 years to come back, acting as if no time had passed at all. They’d struggled to stay on the same page ever since which had never been an issue before.

It’d come across as more of a tactical move - the decision to bring him back onboard. He was just another pawn in John’s war against Larusso and Lawrence. That hadn’t sat well with Terry.

He hadn’t felt that way at first- not entirely. He’d still been clinging on to the hope that teaming up was what John wanted- that bringing back the
glory days wasn’t just a smokescreen. But as more time had passed, things became a lot less clear. John kept changing the rules.

The truth is he’d missed Johnny so much that sometimes it’d felt like he was losing his damn mind… that all that emptiness inside of him had slowly chipped away at his sanity, one torturous day at a time. He’d tried to forget about John: build a new life for himself. He had, but he’d never truly been happy.

‘I needed you too much.’ When Terry had first read that line, he’d bawled like a baby. Alright, so he’d also been a little drunk, but Johnny didn’t need anyone. At least that’s what he’d thought… So to find out now - all these years later - that John had to distance himself because he didn’t feel like he had any control over anything anymore and hadn’t known how to cope with that…. It made all the difference. It also explained why John hadn’t reached out. He couldn’t. He’d be too tempted to come back. That was in the letter too: a letter he’d addressed and stamped but never sent. Son of a bitch…

John had been in a bad place when he’d written that letter, but that didn’t make any of what he’d put in it less true. He’d almost mailed it… had come as close as making it down to the post office on several different occasions, but always lost his nerve at the last minute.

Terry had done quite well for himself. He’d built an empire - moved on with his life. John had kept tabs on him, of course. Wanted to make sure he was okay. He’d seemed to be: strong and successful and free- all the things John wished he could be. It’d felt wrong to reach out and drag him back down with him all over again. Sometimes the kindest thing you could do for someone was let them go.

… Not that he could say any of this now. He had some pride left. Besides, he wasn’t even sure if any of it mattered anymore.

After what felt like an eternity later, he repeated back the same response Terry had given him earlier.

“I don’t know.”

Chapter Text

The chef came back with some kind of custard and fruit combination, so they sat back down to finish their meals (not that they’d touched much of what they’d already been served).

John bristled when the man started clicking what he assumed was some kind of torch used for toasting… whatever refined dish this was supposed to be.

He felt his throat constrict and reached for his drink, hoping a little hydration would help clear his airway. That’s not really how this worked. He’d had enough of these episodes to know that, but it was worth a shot. At least it’d give him something to do.

John attempted to keep his expression neutral as he shifted his gaze over to Terry who had completely zoned out.

He recognized it: the panicked look in his eyes. It was almost like staring into a mirror.

“Terry…”

The first time John called his name, he didn’t seem to hear him. But when he said it again- this time more forcefully, it got his attention.

Terry mumbled something about going to grab a bottle of wine which seemed a bit unusual for breakfast (although it was five o’clock somewhere), but it was just a cover story: an excuse to leave the room.

John saw right through it.

The chef looked understandably confused. Perhaps Terry should’ve at least informed his staff that he’d served in the military (even though there wasn’t much to tell). But he probably hadn’t assumed it’d be necessary. Everyone coped differently. Some soldiers could come home and leave the war and everything that’d happened over there behind them- let it all become a distant memory. Others physically survived but never mentally escaped the battlefield or the horrors they’d seen. John liked to think he was somewhere in the middle. Apparently Terry was too.

John slowly rose to his feet, trying to play it casual. He assured the chef they’d be right back but paused when he noticed the prescription bottle that’d been placed on the table.

The chef looked nervous when he began examining it more closely.

“What are they for?”

“You’d have to ask him, sir.”

“Is he sick?” Terry didn’t look ill, but clearly something was wrong or he wouldn’t have these.

A doctor had prescribed it, so it wasn’t some kind of new street drug unless he’d just paid a physician to slap a convincing label on it. He certainly wouldn’t put it past Terry. Honestly, he’d almost prefer that to be true.

John asked where the wine cellar was (on the off chance that that’s where Terry had actually gone), but his gut told him that’s not where he’d find him.

As usual, his instincts were right.

Terry was out on the terrace, gripping on to the railing so tightly his knuckles were white.

As John stepped closer, he saw that his eyes were twisted shut and noticed Terry’s breathing was shallow. He was someplace else.

In hindsight, maybe he should’ve brought the pills. But he hadn’t… so he’d have to try to break him out of this a different way.

He tried just lightly clearing his throat, but his presence hadn’t seemed to register with Terry at all.

Reluctantly he reached over and placed a hand on the nape of Terry’s neck, giving it a firm squeeze. “Hey, look at me.”

John bumped him with his shoulder as he tightened his hold. “You’re safe now,” he reminded.

Terry dipped his head as the shame began to creep in. It really was the dumbest things that triggered him, and it’d started happening more frequently once John had come back into his life. He didn’t blame Johnny for it. It was just… harder to forget with him around.

Terry’s throat bobbed when he glanced back up, the corners of his mouth drawn down in a deep frown. “Do you regret it?”

John canted his head. He was going to have to be more specific.

“Saving my life,” Terry clarified.

“No,” John responded without hesitation.

“Why not? I don’t even know why you bothered. Clearly, I’ve never been anything but an embarrassment to you. Just a worthless puddle of piss-“

John shoved him back- not hard, but enough to jostle him as he pointed a finger in his face. “Shut your god damn mouth. What the hell’s wrong with you? Is that really what you think?” Christ, maybe he really had lost his mind.

“You said-“

“I know what I said.” And if he could take it back, he would. He had been out of line - hadn’t stopped to think about what kind of long term effects his words would have on Terry. He should have, but there was nothing he could do about that now.

“I’m not perfect, Terry. When you told my students I had a weakness…”

“That’s not-“

“Quiet!” He said sternly. “I could’ve overlooked that: let you off with a warning. But then you refused to tell me what you thought my weakness was.”

“So you brought up the cage, because you knew it was one of mine.”

“You want the truth?”

Terry nodded.

“I didn’t think you would survive. I wasn’t sure I would either, but I did know I could take anyone else in that cage.”

It may have sounded arrogant, but John was right. He could have. “I don’t disagree.”

“They were going to pit us all against each other until there was only one man left standing. They let me volunteer, so they didn’t care who fought as long as there were two of our men on that platform.” He paused there, waiting to see if it would sink in or if he’d have to elaborate some more.

“I still don’t get what-“ Terry’s sentence cut off abruptly when he figured out what John was trying to say in his own cryptic way.

“You thought it’d come down to you and me.”

John gave a stiff shrug. “It was always a possibility.” His primary objective had been to make sure that Terry was the last man standing. If that had happened to be his last mission, then so be it. It would’ve been worth it.

In retrospect, it might not’ve made much of a difference. If they hadn’t been rescued, even if Terry had won… what would they have done to him next? How much longer would they have even bothered keeping him alive?

But John had done what he could, and he would’ve gladly thrown the match in order to give Twig a fighting chance. Fortunately it hadn’t come to that.

“I have always looked out for you, Terry. Whether you understand my reasons or not, everything I have ever done has been for your own good.” That included his disappearing act. John had truly believed he was doing the right thing. Maybe to begin with, he had just been running away. But he’d stayed gone to spare Terry a lifetime of this.

Case in point: they’d only been back together a few months, and Terry already needed drugs just to get through the day. That’s how difficult it’d been for him … having him back in his life.

Terry’s shoulders started to shake, and shit. He was crying. John didn’t know what to do.

“I’m sorry, Johnny. I’m so sorry,” Terry sobbed.

“Me too.” It wasn’t much, but maybe it’d help if he started holding himself accountable for the mistakes he’d made or even just acknowledged that he had his fair share of regrets too.

“It’s going to be okay. You know why?”

Terry saw the shift in John- how his expression softened as he returned his hand to his neck and gave it an affectionate pat. “Because you’ve got me, and I won’t ever leave you behind again.”

“You promise?” Terry sniffled. It was almost word for word what he’d said last time…

“I promise.” He’d learned his lesson.

Terry started to lean forward but stopped himself and shoved his hands into his pockets instead after wiping his face.

John shook his head and pulled him in for a hug. That’s what he’d wanted to do, right?

“I thought that you’d hate me,” Terry quietly confessed as he clung on to Johnny.

“How could I? You’re my only friend.” Their bond ran a lot deeper than that, but it felt a little too soon to tread into those waters. If they didn’t rebuild the bridge first, they’d drown in them.

Terry couldn’t help it: being this close to John… it reawakened something inside of him- something that had remained dormant for so long.

He tried not to get too pushy- force things too quickly, because he didn’t want to spook Johnny and drive him away again. But he did bury his face in the crook of John’s neck as he let his hand wander further down…

“I don’t get it. I thought you’d be a lot angrier than this. That you’d want to punish me for betraying you…”

John’s eyes drifted shut when he felt Terry’s breath brush across his ear, his heart hammering against his chest.

God, he’d missed this…

He wanted Terry just as much as he always had, and that scared the hell out of him. What if he messed this up again?

John’s own heart had started to race as he drew back just enough to make eye contact.

“Why would I want to do that when you’re doing such an excellent job of it yourself?”

He lifted his hand to swipe his thumb across a wet spot on Terry’s cheek.

“I didn’t know that my absence would affect you this much,” he admitted truthfully. Perhaps he should have, but he’d never fully understood Terry’s devotion to him. He was a difficult person to be around. And because he didn’t understand it, it was easier to trivialize his significance in Terry’s life.

“If you had, would it have made a difference?”

“Yes.” If he had known then what he knew now, John would have stayed.

“I love you, Johnny.”

John went completely still, and Terry visibly cringed. “I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Did you mean it?”

Terry gave a jerky nod.

“Then you have nothing to be sorry about.”

There were things they still needed to discuss- probably should before they even considered diving into anything too serious. But it really felt like he should say something here… He just wasn’t good at expressing his emotions, and he didn’t want whatever he did say to sound forced.

John decided to keep it simple. “I really missed you.”

Terry was hovering a few inches from his face and John could feel the heat beginning to pool in the pit of his stomach. It was times like these when he was reminded of just how much power Terry had over him.

It’d just been so long…

John’s breath hitched and his head started to swirl when Terry slotted his knee between his thighs and began a lazy grind.

He absentmindedly slid his hands to Terry’s waist.

“Terry, I..”

“What is it, John?”

“I could use a shower.” Maybe it was an odd thing to bring up right now, but he’d been sitting in a prison cell for the last two days. He needed to get clean before… before he became too exposed.

“Mind if I join you?”

“It’s your house,” John quipped.

Chapter Text

He’d gotten in first while Terry picked them out something to wear. Apparently he’d held on to his things… John tried not to read too much into that, although he couldn’t help but chuckle at the idea of Terry having a room filled with his personal belongings laid out like some kind of shrine.

The shower was huge, so there was more than enough space for the two of them. But for some inexplicable reason, he was suddenly having second thoughts about this.

It was a bit ridiculous, really. They had seen each other naked plenty of times over the years, and it’d never once felt awkward. John wasn’t a self-conscious person either. He was perfectly aware that for a man in his seventies, he was in excellent shape.

However, Terry hadn’t seen him like this before. Whenever he thought of him - indulged himself in one of his fantasies - he probably pictured John as he’d been then: at the peak of his prime. Those days were long past. He was beginning to look his age now (starting to feel it too). What if Terry looked at him and saw an old man, all scarred and withered? What if he didn’t want him like this?

Jesus Christ, when the hell had he started thinking like a girl? Terry was the one who’d wanted to get in with him. All he’d wanted was a cold shower. If Terry didn’t like what he saw, it was his own damn fault.

When the glass door slid open, John turned to face Terry who looked quite nervous himself.

He tried not to make it too obvious that he was sizing him up: silently noting all the minor changes about Terry’s physique. For the most part, he didn’t look all that different. His chest was still smooth (John used to joke about how it was all that silk he wore rubbing off on him) and his arms and legs that seemed to go on for days were still toned in all the right places. It was clear that he’d kept up his workouts.

John purposefully tried not to let his gaze drift too far down, but Terry had noticed him checking him out and boldly took a step in his direction. It was like he was trying to give him a closer view.. make sure he was seen.

John’s eyes snapped back up and his lips parted to say something, but that’s when he noticed it: the slight discoloration on Terry’s right side. He’d had it removed: his tattoo… their tattoo. Well, of course he had.

He remembered that day just like it was yesterday. He’d been so excited about entering their students (the students they hadn’t technically had yet) into the All Valley tournament. He’d thought that Terry would be too. But instead he’d dropped the bomb about how he was going to take over his father’s company instead.

It wasn’t fair to compare what Terry had done to what he had done when he ‘vanished’ for thirty five years. Terry hadn’t completely bailed on him. He’d still consistently paid more than his half of rent. He’d covered all the marketing expenses and had made sure that they always had top of the line equipment. He’d also dropped in whenever he could.

Terry had tried to make the best of a situation that was far from ideal. John acknowledged that. Without his money, Cobra Kai may not have been the instant success that it was. It just hadn’t been the same. It wasn’t what John had envisioned it to be. More than anything, he’d just wanted Terry to be there by his side. It was their dream. They were supposed to see it through together.

Maybe they had. Maybe he was just making a big deal out of nothing.

…. Kind of like now. It was just a tattoo. Yet there was something extremely personal about this one specifically. Then again, that was kind of the point, wasn’t it?

The message was clear: Terry had been shedding his weakness. Seems that had become a pattern for him.

John understood why he’d done it, but it still upset him.

It wasn’t so much the tattoo itself (or the lack thereof) that bothered him the most. It was the realization that even after everything, Terry still had the power to hurt him.

Terry was also unpredictable, overly emotional, and downright dangerous when he wanted to be. What happened the next time he did or said something Terry didn’t like? How would he purge him from his life then?

He decided against saying anything about it (for now). It was counterproductive to what they were trying to do here. Maybe it was time to just leave the past in the past but that wasn’t going to be easy, because sometimes it felt like the past was all they had.

John turned away from Terry as he began looking around at all the various bottles scattered throughout the shower. Jesus, how many shampoos and body washes did one person need?

“Where’s the soap?”

Terry sighed as he reached around and grabbed one of the containers, squirting a generous amount onto a washcloth for John (which he’d thought to grab because as much as he’d love to see John scrubbing himself down with a loofah, he doubted he’d go for it) before extending it towards him.

John arched a brow. Oh.

“Must be Cheyenne’s,” he mumbled.

“We’re not together anymore.”

Pity. She’d seemed nice.

“Did she make you happy?”

Terry thought it over. They’d had some good times together, but he’d never fully committed to their relationship for one simple reason. “She tried, but she wasn’t you.”

It just didn’t add up. Terry had tried to remove every memory of him from his life, and yet he expected John to believe that he couldn’t find happiness with anyone else because he’s the one Terry truly wanted?

“Right,” he responded dismissively as he began lathering himself up.

Terry frowned. They had been making progress, or at least that’s how it’d felt. Maybe John had just felt sorry him. It was ironic because as much as Johnny despised crying, he never could stay upset with him when he got all teary eyed.

There was one other possibility though.

“Let me explain about the tattoo.”

John huffed. Why? Why did Terry want to push this?

“I know why you did it. You wanted to erase me from your life,” he replied bitterly.

“That’s not-“ Terry started, but when John shot him a pointed glare, he decided it was probably not a good idea to lie directly to his face. It was like that, but there was so much more to it than that. He’d agonized over it for months before he’d finally decided to go through with it, and after it was gone… the first time he looked in the mirror, he’d felt so devastatingly empty. It was like he’d amputated a part of himself.

“We can get new ones,” he suggested - as if that would fix everything.

“We’re a little old for matching tattoos, don’t you think?” Besides, it wouldn’t be the same. It’d meant something before. It had been a symbol of their bond that like Cobra Kai, would never die. It was still too soon to tell whether that still rang true.

Terry had said he loved him, but talk was cheap- especially when everything he’d done contradicted that. Sure, he could accept that Terry had just reacted poorly to his behavior and that all this could’ve been avoided if he’d chosen a different path. But he hadn’t. This was where they were now. And the truth is John was afraid … afraid of lowering his defenses completely and allowing himself to feel everything he had suppressed for so long.

He knew once he opened that door, he wouldn’t be able to slam it shut again.

“Speak for yourself,” Terry quipped as he eyed John closely. He could practically see the wheels spinning in his head even though he was careful about keeping his face devoid of emotion. His guard was back up, but Terry knew why. It was a defense mechanism. He’d just have to work a little harder to break through.

When John started straining to reach a spot on his back, Terry saw his opportunity and seized it. “Here, let me.”

John muttered something about being perfectly capable of washing himself without any help, but he surrendered the cloth anyway.

Terry took his time as he began rubbing slow circles across John’s back: starting at the top between his shoulder blades before working his way down.

Maybe he was pushing his luck, but he didn’t stop there. Terry let his hand glide tentatively across Johnny’s left cheek as he sprawled out his fingers, lightly grazing his pinky across John’s hole.

John’s breath hitched and he felt himself twitch when Terry took it either further and slid his hand between his legs, swiping across his balls. Then he started fondling them, and John felt a shiver run up his spine.

He clenched his jaw to stifle a moan, but he hadn’t been very successful. Terry wasn’t playing fair.

“How long has it been for you?” Terry asked as he leaned in so close that he was sure John could feel his breath brushing across his neck.

John firmly pressed his lips together. He was not going to say a god damn word. It was too embarrassing.

But John’s refusal to provide an answer just made him even more curious.

Terry kept torturously roaming his hands across every inch of his body, and John tried desperately not to react but one particular part of his anatomy didn’t follow orders very well. Traitor, John thought to himself.

“Come on, just tell me.”

“Terry,” he warned. Why did he even want to know?

“This isn’t a competition, John. All I’m asking is…” Terry’s voice trailed off. No. There was no way… no way that he had gone all this time..

“Please tell me it hasn’t been thirty five years since anyone’s touched you.”

John refused to look him in the eye, but his silence pretty much gave him away.

Terry’s jaw dropped. “Johnny…”

John let out a heavy sigh. He knew Terry well enough to know right now he was like a dog with a bone. He wasn’t going to let this go.

“There’s never been anyone but you,” John begrudgingly admitted.

He didn’t get close to people- never had. It was a waste of time and usually ended in disappointment. Being in a relationship, no matter how casual, also required a level of vulnerability that he didn’t possess. Or maybe if he were to be completely honest with himself, he did. But once people discovered what your weakness was, sooner or later they would exploit it- use it to their advantage. The only way to survive in this world was not to give anyone anything.

It had been different with Terry. He had tried. Hell, he was still trying. He was here, wasn’t he? Naked and hard in front of the person who’d hurt him worse than anyone in his entire life… more than he’d thought anyone was even capable of. Not because of what he had done: John didn’t give a shit about the assault charges. He could easily forgive that. But instead of talking to him about what he was feeling, Terry had turned on him in an instant and he’d been quite proud of himself too.

It would be easier just to cut him out of his life- for good this time. But Terry was right. Everyone did have a weakness.

Terry was still reeling from John’s confession. Never in a million years did he think that he’d been the only one… but that’s what he was saying, right?

In a way, it made sense: why Johnny always seemed so eager to hang out. How even though sometimes he acted like he was annoyed by Terry constantly fawning all over him, he kept coming back for more. And John wasn’t an affectionate person- not with anyone with him. But when they were together, it was like he was a completely different person.

God, he’d made such a huge mistake… but there was still time: time for them to both have what they wanted. No more games. No more misunderstandings. If anyone could come back from this, it was them. They’d been through too much to give up on each other now.

Terry crowded in even closer to John as he crashed their lips together, cupping the side of his face with one of his hands while the other slid around to the small of his back, locking him in place.

If he resisted, Terry would let go. He wasn’t going to force Johnny into doing anything he didn’t want to do, but he really hoped John would give him one more chance to prove his devotion.

John’s lips were a hard line against his and he’d gone completely stiff, but he wasn’t pushing him away. He was also fully aroused and rutting up against him although his eyes were closed so Terry couldn’t tell if he was entirely conscious of it or if his body was on autopilot.

“For once in your life, stop fighting. Just let me make you feel good. Please Johnny … I need you.”

John felt himself twitch again and fill out some more as he plunged his tongue into Terry’s mouth. It’d been so long… so long since he’d felt this burning desire. His whole body was aching for release.

I need you too. He thought it. The words just got lodged somewhere in the back of his throat, but Terry must’ve seen the desperation in his eyes when he pulled back to look at him because he was already sinking to his knees and curling his fingers around his throbbing dick.

“You don’t have to do this,” John panted. If Terry was trying to pay his penance, there were other ways to do that.

“I want to. I want to so badly.”

John had to grip on to Terry’s shoulders to steady himself when he swiped his tongue along the underside of his shaft then started sucking softly at the tip. He could already feel the pleasure mounting in the pit of his stomach when Terry opened wide and took him all the way into his mouth.

“Fuck, Terry…” He groaned, sinking his fingers into his hair and giving it a sharp tug. He tried to keep himself still as Terry bobbed up and down, his moans vibrating his cock.

Terry ignored the heavy weight between his legs as he began deepthroating Johnny, digging his nails into the meat of his thighs which were trembling-signaling he was close.

“Wait,” John instructed through gritted teeth.

Terry obediently pulled off of him and rose to his feet when Johnny motioned for him to get up with his hand.

“But you haven’t-“

“I want to finish inside you.”

Terry felt his cheeks heat up and for a split second his brain short circuited. He hadn’t expected that- not this soon. He’d figured he was going to have to work a little harder for it.

Johnny was flushed too - all the way down to his chest which was heaving.

“If you’re okay with that,” John quickly added.

“Are you kidding?” Terry said with a laugh as he leaned in for another kiss.

Johnny spun him around and pinned him against the wall as he lined himself up and nudged against Terry’s entrance with the tip of his leaking member, smearing some of his precum around Terry’s hole before inserting a finger.

“I- I’m good. You don’t have to do that. I’m wet enough.”

Terry whimpered and slung his arm around so that he could clutch on to the nape of John’s neck as he rocked back, all but begging for it now.

John was quick to oblige.

He sank in one slow inch at a time as he reached around and splayed his fingers across Terry’s stomach, anchoring him in place before bottoming out with a forceful snap of his hips.

Terry jerked and let out a series of strangled moans when he began thrusting.

“Am I being too rough?”

“No, I … oh god, Johnny. Oh god, you were right. I missed this. I missed being this full. I felt so empty without you. Ah!”

Terry cried out in immense pleasure when John shifted his angle and started pounding into his prostate while he dipped his hand down and wrapped his fingers around his dick, giving it a couple of firm strokes. It wasn’t long at all before he was shooting spurts of cum all over the wall.

John set a punishing pace as he slammed into Terry, grunting heavily as he worked towards his own orgasm that came less than a minute later. He could still feel Terry clenching down around him when he started shuddering uncontrollably, biting down on his tongue so harshly that the familiar taste of copper flooded his mouth.

His knees almost buckled, so John shot out a hand to brace himself but Terry switched places with him and slid his arms around him to help steady him as he pressed their foreheads together.

“I got you,” Terry whispered.

Once John managed to catch his breath, he chuckled softly. “I gotta hand it to you, Terry. You really do know how to make a guy feel special.”

“Good. Because you are.”

John didn’t say anything, but he was smiling. That’s all that mattered.

Chapter Text

John had asked Terry what the medication was for. He hadn’t wanted to tell him- said it was nothing to worry about. John hadn’t believed him, but he’d seemingly let it go. There were other ways for him to get the answers he needed.

It wasn’t difficult. He’d already gotten the doctor’s name from the prescription label. All he had to do was look up the address.

John wasn’t sure what he’d expected to find, but it certainly hadn’t been this. Suddenly he understood why Terry hadn’t wanted him to know.

Well, at least he wasn’t dying.

When the receptionist at the desk asked if he had an appointment, John shook his head- said he was just there to look around.

He began glancing over all the self help pamphlets lining a shelf on the wall. Jesus Christ, there was a resource for everything these days. No wonder people didn’t know how to handle their own shit. They’d become too dependent on others telling them who they ‘really were’ and how they should act, think, or feel.

A second woman stepped out of the back while he was browsing through all the material. Her assistant had notified her about there being some strange guy casing the place out. Generally they didn’t allow people who weren’t patients to wander around the lobby unless they were at least considering therapy. (Apparently he hadn’t offered much of an explanation as to why he was there.) It was a safety precaution. But the brochures were there for people to utilize them, so she gave him a few minutes to hopefully find whatever he was looking for before she approached him.

“May I help you?”

Kreese regarded her warily. “No. A friend of mine has been coming here. I just wanted to make sure he’s being well taken care of.”

“Well I’m Dr. Austen, and I can assure you he is. Who’s your friend?”

“Terry Silver,” he hesitantly replied.

Recognition flashed across her face. Even though she’d never met the man, she already felt like she knew him. Terry talked about him often during their sessions. “You must be John Kreese.”

John nodded stiffly. “In the flesh.” What had Terry told her about him? Because clearly he’d been mentioned.

“You know if you have any questions I can’t speak specifically about anything he and I have discussed, but I’d be happy to answer what I can. I have some free time before my next appointment,” she offered.

She patiently waited for him make his decision. He seemed to struggle with it a great deal.

Finally, he agreed.

She gave an encouraging smile before inviting him back to her office and motioning for him to have a seat.

“So, Terry told you he was in therapy,” she began when it became clear he wasn’t going to speak.

Technically he had (even though it had only gotten brought up once … when he was pretending his life was all sunshine and rainbows).

John nodded again.

“Good. I’m glad he has someone that he feels he can confide in outside of this office. A strong support system is an important part of the process.”

Silence.

Huh. Okay. Clearly she was going to have to lead the conversation.

“You’re not a very talkative person are you?” She observed, keeping her tone neutral.

Still nothing.

“You said you had some questions…” Perhaps they could start there.

“How long has he been coming here?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“I can’t tell you that either.”

Kreese scoffed. “Then this is a waste of time.” He knew the whole thing had just been an act to get him in the hot seat.

“Maybe we should talk about you instead,” she suggested. “About why you’re really here.”

“I already told you,” he replied brusquely.

He was defensive- and understandably so. She could see how the way she had presented that could make it seem like she was doubting his intentions.

Maybe if she rephrased it. “I believe you, but clearly you have some concerns. I’d like for us to talk about them.”

So she really wanted to know what he thought? Fine. He had no issue with letting her know. “I don’t like you filling his head with bullshit.”

“I can assure you that that’s not what’s happening here.” Her job wasn’t to tell people who they were or how they should live their lives. All she did was listen and provide a fresh perspective that might help shed some light on an issue someone was having. Self-reflection was the goal. She was just a sounding board- there to offer guidance on ways to get to where they wanted to be in life. It was a common misconception though, so she didn’t take any offense to it.

“You don’t put much stock in this, do you? Psychiatry.”

“It doesn’t work.” All it did was lull the weak into a false sense of security - make them think that they were in control. But it was just an illusion.

There was a shift in his demeanor. It was extremely subtle, but she caught it. “It’s failed someone close to you. Who?”

John tensed. He didn’t like being psychoanalyzed. That’s not why he was here. And if this woman thought he was going to rip open old wounds just to appease her, then she was the crazy one.

“I don’t want to talk about it. It’s a personal matter, and I don’t know you.”

“Fair enough. You don’t have to tell me anything.” She wasn’t going to push him, but his reaction did verify that she was right.

Dr. Austen decided to shift gears- steer the conversation back to its original course. “Have you told this to Terry? That you think this is a waste of time.”

“No.”

Well, in a way he had. He’d accused Terry of clinging to some bullshit happy ending, but it was a generalized statement. He hadn’t strictly been referring to the therapy.

“Why not?” She asked curiously. It was obvious he had some very strong negative opinions about it.

“Because he feels he needs it.” This lady had gotten inside Terry’s head: made him feel like he was damaged goods and needed to be fixed.

“You don’t agree.” It was more of a statement than a question. He’d made his position pretty clear.

John narrowed his gaze. Was she deliberately taking them around in circles?

“I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with Terry.”

She hummed.

“It’s interesting… you’ve brought that up twice now. I didn’t say that there was anything wrong with him. Some people just come here to get things off their chest. Because everything they say here is strictly confidential, it provides a safe space.”

Did she take him for a fool?

“If he’s just here to chat, why did you prescribe him the pills?” He challenged.

“If you know about that, why don’t you just ask him?”

“He wouldn’t tell me.” John still didn’t know why. After everything that’d happened yesterday, Terry still didn’t trust him with this. Maybe it bothered him more than he cared to admit. He didn’t want any more secrets between them.

“I see. You care about him a great deal, don’t you?”

“Yes,” John responded a little too quickly.

“I’m assuming he knows?”

He got quiet again. It wasn’t supposed to be a difficult question.

“You can speak candidly. I’m not here to judge you, and nothing you say leaves this room,” she reminded.

“I’m not a paying customer,” he pointed out.

“I’m still bound by the same rules that apply to all of my other patients.”

“But I’m not your patient.” Therefore she wasn’t ethically required to keep his secrets.

“You’re right,” she acknowledged. How to put this in terms that he would understand…

“You served in the military, correct?”

John sat up a little straighter. “Special forces.”

That explained a lot, actually.

“I’m sure you had a strict set of rules to follow. Once you were discharged, did you still follow them?” He didn’t immediately respond, but she could tell that she had his full attention.

“We all live by a certain code. It becomes a part of who we are. I don’t protect people’s secrets because they open their checkbooks. Logically speaking, if I betray one person’s trust then I lose my credibility. No one would come here if they thought their secrets weren’t safe.”

John had to hand it to her: she was good at this. She was establishing a connection. Terry must’ve mentioned that they were both soldiers.

“Point taken.” That still didn’t mean he was entirely comfortable with this. What was she gaining from all this if she wasn’t doing it for the money?

“How long have you two been friends?”

“Fifty years.”

“Wow. That’s a long time.”

“We’ve had our ups and downs,” John remarked.

She leaned forward slightly. “Would you like to talk about them?” He had brought it up.

John shifted in his seat. “What for?”

“Are you asking me what’s the point?”

“I guess.” Wasn’t that what he’d just said?

“You’ll never heal from what you refuse to confront.”

“Did you find that on a bumper sticker?” He sneered.

“No, actually- the plaque on my wall.” She gestured towards it.

Kreese chuckled. Alright, so she had a sense of humor- could poke fun at herself. He liked that.

Well would you look at that: he was finally starting to relax.

“Now that we’ve broken the ice, I want to remind you that I’m not your enemy. All I want to do is provide you with the clarity you need to live your to the fullest or at least offer you the tools you need to figure it all out for yourself. This is just a trial run. You’re not locked into anything. You can leave at any time, but I’d really like for you to stay.” The choice was his, of course.

John still thought this was stupid, but he wanted to understand its appeal, for Terry’s sake. It’s not like this would become a recurring thing. Besides, if Terry insisted on coming back here, he wanted to have a good read on his doctor just in case she started filling his head with lies.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“Go with your gut. I told you, I’m just here to listen. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about.” He was the one in control. That was important to him, right?

John was still a little combative, but he did make an effort.

Several minutes later there was a knock on the door, and her receptionist informed her that her one o’clock appointment had shown up.

It looked like they were done here. Hopefully he decided to come back, but she wasn’t going to hold her breath. He’d bolted out of there pretty fast.

John didn’t like drudging up the past. He never had, unless it worked to his advantage. He didn’t like being reminded of his mistakes or his moments of weakness. That’s not exactly what had happened, but it easily could’ve veered in that direction.

He was a bit distracted as he rounded the corner, nearly colliding with someone coming from the opposite direction.

Fortunately Terry had heard footsteps and had swayed out of the way quickly enough to avoid bumping into the other person. When he realized who it was, he froze.

“Johnny… ? What are you doing here?”

This was because he didn’t give him a straight answer about the medicine, wasn’t it? He should’ve known John was going to look into it himself. He’d dropped the subject way too fast.

John realized that this could be perceived as in invasion of privacy. Then again, Terry had taken it upon himself to snoop through his personal belongings as soon as his back was turned, so he didn’t have much room to talk.

That wasn’t why he’d come though: as some twisted form of payback or to gain information to use against him if they ever had another falling out. He’d been genuinely concerned about Terry’s well being.

“I thought you were sick.”

Terry was actually kind of touched that John had gone through all this trouble to make sure he was okay.

“I’m not,” he confirmed, just in case it wasn’t obvious.

“Good.”

They both stood there awkwardly for a moment before John slipped his hands into his pockets. “Do you want me to wait for you?” He offered.

“No.”

John nodded, hoping he was successful at masking his disappointment. It was a rather ridiculous thing to get insulted about. They’d see each other at home.

Jesus, when had he started thinking of Terry’s place as home? This man really was going to be the death of him.

Dr. Austen had joined them- probably wondering what the hold up was.

Terry’s fingers were twitching as they all just kind of stood there staring at each other before he finally blurted out, “Can he sit in?”

“That’s completely up to you. If that’s what you want, and he’s comfortable with it.”

Johnny was already here, and clearly they had some things to work through before they’d be completely back on solid ground. This way they could reveal a bit more about themselves and why they did the things they did (in general, but more importantly in relation to each other) in a controlled environment: one where there was a neutral third party who could intervene if things started to take an ugly turn. It could be good for them, even though it was also terrifying. He wasn’t sure how John would react.

He already didn’t look very crazy about the idea, so Terry immediately tried to backtrack. “If you have somewhere else to be-“

John cut him off. “I don’t.” Terry knew that. “If you want me to stay, I will.” He was willing to put in the effort if Terry was too.

If this was what it took to make things right, he’d try despite how much he detested the idea.

The corners of Terry’s mouth tugged up into an appreciative smile. “I do.”

“Great! Why don’t you guys come on in and make yourselves comfortable, and we’ll get started.”

John shot one final glare in the doc’s direction because she sounded way too chipper all of a sudden. But Terry looked … well, he looked like a big ball of nerves but that was typical. He was also grinning from ear to ear though, and it felt nice to be the reason he was smiling again.