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It happens when Dan is mostly asleep.
“And I told you I saw Jimmy there, right?”
“Hm?”
Phil huffs, rolling over just enough to squint at Dan in the dark. “At the thing. The radio thing.”
“Mhm,” Dan hums, just on the verge of sleep but not quite under. If Phil would stop talking, he’d probably be out within seconds. He feels something nudging him, and his eyes flutter open again. “Hm?”
“He asked me to lunch,” Phil says. His tone is annoyed, like he’s been repeating it and Dan’s just now listening enough to really hear it.
“Who?” Dan asks blearily.
Phil sighs. “Jimmy. From York? He’s over at one of the other stations now, and I ran into him by complete coincidence…”
Dan tunes him out, his voice a beautiful background for Dan’s almost-dreams. That is, until he feels that sharp nudge again. “Ugh. What?” He whines.
“I’m going to lunch with him next week.”
“M’kay,” Dan mumbles. He doesn’t even process the words, is too tired to care honestly. He just wants to sleep. “Love you,” he mumbles, pressing his lips to the skin under his mouth. He’s sure they’ve already covered that base for the night, but he’s been practically edging himself with sleep ever since Phil got home from whatever corporate benefit bullshit the BBC had him attending for the evening, and he’s honestly just ready to call it a night.
He’s awake and coherent long enough to feel Phil giggle and hear a quiet little, “love you too, baby,” before he finally falls into a peaceful sleep.
~~~
Dan’s forgotten about the whole encounter until approximately a week later, when Phil comes in the kitchen looking fit and gorgeous. Dan wolf-whistles at him, and there’s a chorus of giggles and groans from their children seated at the table. Phil flushes.
“Why hello there, handsome. Got a hot date?” Dan’s joking, obviously, but for some reason the question makes Phil squirm. “What? Did I forget an anniversary or something?” He turns to look at their calendar, and nope, it’s all clear for this month, so this must be something else. Dan looks at him expectantly, and Phil looks away, clearing his throat.
“I’m going to lunch with Jimmy, remember? I told you last week,” he says, fiddling with the cuffs on his button-down.
Dan blinks. “Jimmy? Jimmy who?”
Phil sighs, and Dan has a feeling he must have done that thing where he dissociates in the middle of a conversation again, if Phil is this agitated with him not remembering. “Jimmy Hill, my mate from York,” he explains. “Did you make coffee?”
Dan hands him his own mug silently, suddenly losing his appetite. “Right. Jimmy from York.”
Phil smiles, like Dan’s said the right thing, or maybe done the right thing by not freaking out, he’s really not sure. “Yeah. We’ve been meaning to catch up since the last time we ran into each other, but we were always too busy. Amelia, you’ve got jam in your hair, hon.” Phil slips back into his parenting role seamlessly, as if he hadn’t mentioned the Jimmy thing at all.
Dan knows it’s silly to be jealous. He knows this, and yet he can’t help thinking about everything Phil has ever told him about Jimmy, specifically the explicit stuff. It’s been years since they talked about it in any detail, but Dan remembers when he first met Phil, when they were in that weird state of maybe, and Phil would talk about his sexual escapades from university. Jimmy was one of the more recurring characters in those stories, Dan remembers.
“Does he know you’re getting married?” Dan asks, unable to help himself. He never did know when to quit poking a bear.
Phil sends him a look over his shoulder, still working on ridding their daughter’s hair from the breakfast that’s tangled in it. “Yes,” Phil says, more patiently than Dan probably deserves. “He knows I’m marrying you.” It’s not exactly the question Dan asked, but it’s the answer he was looking for.
“Huh,” Dan says quietly. “Okay.”
He pretends he doesn’t see the look that Phil gives him, going over to the pantry to start pulling out stuff for their children’s lunchboxes. He works quietly, letting the chatter at the breakfast table become pleasant background noise as he tries to keep himself from spiraling. It’s not a big deal, he tells himself. And yet, it feels like it is. Phil’s meeting up with his ex… his ex-something, and Dan worries if the ring on his finger will be enough to keep Phil from remembering what it was he liked about Jimmy in the first place.
“Daddy?” Dan hears from the table.
“Yeah, hon?” Dan says on autopilot.
He hears a chair scrape the floor and a couple seconds later Amelia is looking up at him with a little frown. “You didn’t put any Teddy Grahams in my lunch box,” she says, pointing at the still mostly-empty box on the counter.
“Oh,” Dan says, looking over at where he’s placed two bags in Jaiden’s box, and none in Amelia’s. “Sorry, honey, I just wasn’t paying attention. Here,” he says, placing the extra bag from Jaiden’s into Amelia’s and then rifling through to see what else he forgot.
“Fruit snacks?” Amelia says helpfully.
Dan looks down at her with a weak smile. “Thank you,” he says. “I’m starting to think maybe you ought to be in charge of all this instead of me,” he jokes.
Amelia giggles. “If I’m in charge, can I have an extra sweet in mine?”
Dan can’t help but laugh at that. “Nice try, missy, but no.”
His daughter sighs dramatically, like she’d really expected anything different. “It was worth a shot,” she says before returning to the kitchen table to finish her breakfast.
The interruption is a welcome distraction from Dan’s spiraling thoughts for sure, but now he feels bad for being jealous and for the way that apparently turns him into a shit father. He wonders if that’s really the type of guy Phil really wants to hitch his wagon to. Probably not, he reckons.
“Hey,” Phil says from beside Dan. It almost makes him jump. “Why’re you weird?” He asks.
Dan can sort of appreciate that Phil sounds genuinely perplexed, but the bitter part of him is just pissed off by it. “I’m not,” he lies, avoiding Phil’s gaze. Phil knows him too well for Dan to be able to lie to him straight to his face.
“You are,” Phil argues adamantly. When Dan doesn’t reply, Phil huffs. “You’re not seriously upset about the Jimmy thing, are you?”
Dan doesn’t say anything. His face is surely flushing a horrible shade of red by now, but he doesn’t want to admit to what he’s just been rightly accused of.
Greeted with nothing but silence, Phil makes an exasperated sort of sighing noise. Dan flinches, waiting for the chastisement or whatever it is Phil clearly wants to say. He’s tense, zipping up the lunch boxes methodically just so his hands have something to do except for shake. He waits for the anger, the hurt.
But it doesn’t come.
Instead, Phil reaches over, gripping Dan’s wrist gently. “If you really don’t want me to go, I won’t,” he says quietly.
And that makes Dan feel… really shitty, actually. He decides then, that he doesn’t want to be that guy, the guy who makes his partner feel like he’s untrustworthy or something. That’s not them.
“No, it’s fine,” Dan says, and he tries to make it true. Unfortunately, jealousy doesn’t disappear just because you’ve decided to try being a better partner.
“You’re sure?” Phil says, sounding apprehensive.
Dan nods. “Positive,” he lies.
Phil bites his lip. He looks uncertain, and Dan hates that he put that expression there. “Okay,” Phil says slowly. “Can I ask you something?”
There’s a clatter at the table then, and they both look over to see the kids giggling over some bottle-flipping trick that Levi is trying to teach them. “Guys, it’s time to get dressed for school,” Dan says, mainly so they can have this conversation in private.
If the kids are annoyed about being dismissed, they don’t show it, the twins racing down the hall to their bedroom while Levi stacks their dishes up.
“Thanks, Levi,” Phil says with a smile when he puts the dishes in the sink.
“No worries,” Levi says. He hesitates then, giving them a searching look. “Is everything okay with you guys?” He asks.
Dan curses himself again for letting his own stupid, petty jealousy get out in the open like that for their kids to notice it. “Yeah, bud, we’re fine. Just having a chat about something.”
Levi nods, but still wavers. “Is it about us?” He asks, snapping the hair tie around his wrist.
“No, hon, it’s not about you guys. I promise everything is okay, you guys just go get dressed so Dan and I can take you to school,” Phil says.
Dan’s not sure who is more surprised to hear the last part, him or Levi, but nevertheless, their son nods and leaves the kitchen. In the silence, Dan turns to Phil, quirking a questioning eyebrow.
“You’re riding with us this morning?” He asks, confused. Phil usually takes a car to work in the mornings, since Dan works at the same school their children go to.
Phil shrugs. “If that’s okay?” He asks, sounding timid. “I’ll take a car from the school to the radio station, obviously.”
Dan feels his heart squeeze when he hears Phil’s nervous tone. “Of course that’s okay. The twins will be thrilled,” Dan tells him, turning back to the counter to pack his own lunch for the day.
Phil places a warm hand on the small of Dan’s back. “I’m not doing it for them,” he says gently. When Dan doesn’t reply, he continues, “now, can I ask you something? And will you be honest with me?”
Dan almost bristles at that, but then the fight drains out of him and he just nods. “Of course.”
“Look at me, babe.” When Dan does, Phil gives him a fond little smile and wraps his arms around his waist in what is almost a proper hug, if Dan were reciprocating. “Are you actually upset with me meeting Jimmy for lunch?”
“What? No, I-“ Dan starts, feeling flustered at being asked outright.
“You said you’d be honest,” Phil reminds him quietly.
Dan sighs, relaxing in Phil’s grip in defeat. “Fine. I’m not thrilled about it, no. Happy?” He doesn’t mean to be sharp, but he feels gross and guilty and jealousy has never looked good on him.
“I’m happy you told me,” Phil replies sincerely. “But I wish you would communicate with me about why, so I could understand. Do I need to cancel or is this something you’re going to be able to get over?”
Dan hates how he asks that question, how it makes Dan feel like a child, but he realizes that’s exactly how he’s acting. “I… I don’t want to make you cancel. I know you were excited to see your friend,” he says carefully. He’s not sure how to navigate this. Surprisingly, this isn’t a bridge they’ve had to cross before, since their actual romantic relationship is still relatively new.
“Well firstly, you can’t make me do anything. If I cancel, it will be because I think it’s what’s best to protect our relationship and make sure I’m not crossing boundaries that make you uncomfortable.” Phil says this so succinctly, so calmly, that Dan can’t help it when he tears up, all the feelings he’s had this morning compounding on him at one time. “Secondly, I am excited, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to make you feel bad, okay?”
Dan looks down, feeling guilty for even meeting Phil’s eyes when he’s being this gentle with him, but Phil doesn’t let him get away with that. His hand comes up to cradle Dan’s chin, tilting his head so that their eyes are meeting again. “I’m sorry,” Dan blurts.
Phil shakes his head with a little laugh. “Babe, what for? You’ve not done anything wrong.”
“Haven’t I?” Dan asks sarcastically. Before Phil can interrupt him with more of his poetic, wise bullshit, Dan continues. “It feels really bad to be this jealous about you having lunch with a mate from uni, and I hate that I feel that way, but here we are.”
Phil’s quiet for a moment, considering this. “Can you explain why you’re jealous? Is it because he’s gay or because he’s a guy from my past, like… what is it?”
Dan tries not to cringe. “Uh, probably all of the above. And because I know far too much about your sex life with him.”
He really didn’t think it would, but Phil blushes like it embarrasses him to hear it. “Er, sorry,” he mumbles. There’s a pause, and then he asks, “do you think not knowing about all that would’ve made you feel better or worse?”
Dan doesn’t want to think about it, since he does already know about it, and there’s definitely no way of undoing that. “Worse, probably. Because I know Jimmy is fit, I’d still be thinking about you two together anyway,” Dan says. Then he feels stupid because it’s weird to admit to his partner that he’s thought about him with another man at all.
Phil must be thinking the same thing, because he gives Dan a long look. “Okay. Is that, like, in a sexy way, or…?”
Now Dan’s the one blushing, checking to make sure their children haven’t snuck back in the room to eavesdrop. “No,” he admits, which he thinks is mostly true. “I just… god, I don’t know. I’m the only one making this weird. I’ll stop, I promise.”
Dan turns to finish packing his lunch, and he thinks that’s probably where they’ll leave the conversation. He doesn’t know how to communicate his feelings apparently, but he knows he doesn’t want to make Phil feel bad. He’s just selecting a granola bar for later when he feels two arms wrapping around his waist and warm breath on his neck.
Phil sighs. “I love you,” he says.
And that’s never not Dan’s favorite thing to hear. “I love you,” he replies softly, dropping his lunchbox to squeeze Phil’s wrists gently.
They’re quiet for a moment, and then Phil kisses the back of his neck, just at his hairline. “You know I’m not upset with you for being jealous,” Phil says quietly. When Dan starts to protest, he squeezes his waist tighter. “Listen, bub, I get it. I know it’s been a while, but the last time you went on a date, I was so jealous I thought I would explode.”
“Really?” Dan asks, thawing a little at that. But then, he registers that Phil just compared him meeting a friend for lunch to Dan going on a date, and Dan’s mood sours again. “But this isn’t a date,” he says, petulant.
Phil has the audacity to laugh at that. “Obviously not. I think Jimmy has a boyfriend.”
Dan squirms, turning in Phil’s arms to face him. “Well you almost have a husband, so.”
That makes Phil grin, and Dan can’t help but mirror the look of joy. “Yes,” Phil says. “And I’ll probably talk a lot about you, and the kids, and the wedding. Jimmy will be proper sick of me.”
“Jimmy’ll be the jealous one then,” Dan mumbles, but he’s smiling. He feels a little more settled now, a little less raw. He definitely needs to make a call to his therapist and workshop some ways to deal with his jealousy issues, but he feels okay now.
Phil smiles at him, leaning in and pecking his lips. “I’m sure he will be,” Phil teases. He gives Dan another kiss, then pulls back to study him. “Are we okay now?” He asks. Dan is obsessed with how it’s always “we” these days.
He nods. “Yeah. We’re okay.”
“Good,” Phil beams. “I’m gonna go check on the kids and make sure they’re ready to go. Need any help with anything?”
Dan shakes his head, turning back to finish his final touches on his lunchbox. “Nah, I’m about done. I didn’t pack you a full lunch, since, you know,” Dan says, gesturing absently. He’s already tired of how much space Jimmy has taken up in their morning already. “But I did pack you some snacks, in case you have to stay late today, or in case he wants to go to a place you don’t like.”
Phil kisses Dan again as soon as he turns to look at him, and that’s definitely something Jimmy doesn’t have. “You’re so good to me,” Phil says, his voice dripping with fondness.
Cracking a smile, Dan shrugs. “I know I am,” he says smugly. He kisses Phil again, this time just a little peck on the corner of his lips. “Go check on the kids, I’ll be there in a minute.”
As Phil leaves the kitchen, Dan lets himself breathe and take stock of how he feels. Surprisingly, the guilt and gross feeling from earlier have mostly subsided. Sure he’s still a little nervous about what might happen, but he trusts Phil more than anyone, and he knows that what they have means the world to both of them. So with a lighter heart, Dan finishes up his work and goes to get the rest of his family ready for the day.
~~~
In the end, Dan worries for nothing.
Phil shoots him a text after lunch with Jimmy, a selfie of the two of them, Jimmy holding up his left hand while Phil points exaggeratedly at the diamond ring that adorns his ring finger.
Phil: Double wedding with Jimmy and his fiancé??
Dan smirks, relief settling deep in his bones.
Dan: not in a million years bub, I’m an attention whore and we both know it
Phil: 😂❤️
Dan: 😌🖤