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The orphanage was smaller than Light had expected. Truth be told, he didn’t know what he’d expected. L had given him so little to go on. That was fair. Light would argue that was the only thing about this that was fair.
“We’ll do the tour later,” L informed him as they entered Wammy’s House. “You’re jet lagged, you should sleep.”
“I’m fine,” Light said.
That was a lie and they both knew it. Light was confused. He was frustrated, and relieved, and scared at the same time. He was not fine.
“It’s better if you rest before you meet anyone,” L went on. “Trust me, you’re going to want to be at the top of your game when you do.”
“If you say so,” Light shrugged. If there was anything he’d gotten used to over the past few days it was going with what L told him. Right now, L’s word was the only thing he had.
“Our rooms are this way,” L lead him down the empty hall.
The house felt like something Light would have read about in one of those British novels Sayu had briefly been obsessed with. From the vine covered walls, to the stain glass windows, stepping inside felt like he’s stepped into another century.
It was almost comforting to see all of the computers and lack of decor that L’s room was furnished with. Light’s room was connected to L’s through an adjoining door. It didn’t look like it locked.
That was fitting for a convict. Light just didn’t understand what kind of prison this was supposed to be.
L hadn’t sent him to jail. Instead, he’d informed Light that he was going to be accompanying him back to England and that from now on he wanted Light to assist in the education of his successors. Light thought L was going to give him to the gallows, instead he’d given him a job.
Nothing here made any sense.
“I’m Kira.”
For a moment, Light didn’t know if L could heard him over the pounding for the rain. Then L looked at him and that expression silenced any doubts. Light could count on his hand the amount of times he’d seen this man genuinely shocked. This was one of them.
“Why?”
Why tell him this? Why confess now? Why when they both knew he was so close to winning—to actually winning after so long?
Light felt a smile break across his lips. It was the same smile he’d worn for every little victory he’d been able to succeed over this mental war. It was Kira’s smile.
“Thanks,” he said out loud.
Because even if he was surrendering, even if he was letting go of everything he’d worked so hard for, at least he’d be able to keep this with him. At least he’d know that at the very end, he’d stumped L.
That felt close enough to winning for him.
Light was sitting in what he had to assume functioned as L’s office. In the back of his mind, he’d wondered if L had instructed the staff here to add a second desk for him. It didn’t make sense for there to be two, Light was certain that whatever was going on with him was the first this had ever happened.
In front of him was the computer L had given him.
“You can’t bring any personal belongings with you,” L had said before they left.
“Of course,” Light had replied as if he understood any part of what was going on.
Light had just finished the lesson plan L had tasked him with creating. He had a few days before he was supposed to start teaching, but L had stressed that it was important for him to prepare since the children he’d be working with were high maintenance.
Well, no, that wasn’t right. L had briefly mentioned it. Watatri had been the one to give Light a solemn expression and tell him that this was going to be a very challenging experience. L hadn’t offered much guidance.
“Are you done?” L’s voice broke through Light’s thoughts.
Light turned his gaze to him.
“You look absent minded,” L explained the questioning. “I assume that means you’re either finished or bored.”
“Actually, I was thinking,” Light started.
“I’d be concerned if you weren’t.” L closed his own computer and focused his attention on Light.
After everything they’d been through, Light would have liked to think that he could read L. It was difficult task, but there were times when Light was certain that he knew what was going on in the detective’s head. He wouldn’t have gotten as far if he couldn’t understand his opponent.
Only, since the moment Light had waved the white flag he had no idea what game L was playing. Every time he’s reached for answers, L had brushed him off. It was infuriating, but he didn’t know how to get mad at the man who had made the choice to keep him alive.
“You’re concerned about the amount of trust I’ve placed in you.” L apparently had no trouble reading him.
“This place is important to you,” Light said. “These kids are your heirs—and even if they weren’t, Ryuzaki, they’re kids for fuck sake.”
“And?” L knew what he was thinking. Of course he was going to make Light say it.
“And I’m a murderer.”
“Yes,” L seemed disinterested now. That pissed Light off.
“How do you know this isn’t part of my plan?” He demanded. “How do you know you’re safe right now?”
“Well, the fact that we’re having this conversation goes at the top of the list,” L answered.
“L, I don’t know what’s going on!”
Light never called him that. He always used the alias. Everyone did.
“While you’re here you’re under twenty-four hour surveillance,” L informed him. “Everyone is, it’s safer that way.”
Light didn’t ask what that meant. That was a conversion for another time—another time that he shouldn’t be alive to get. “Still.”
“If you try to hurt anyone in this building, I will kill you.”
L’s voice held no emotion. His eyes were the same cloudy gray that the sky had been the day Light gave up everything so he wouldn’t have to give up the only thing that mattered. It grounded him. Knowing that L wouldn’t hesitate grounded him.
“Is that what you need to hear?”
Light nodded.
“Well,” L sighed. “Now that we have that out of the way, let me see your lesson plan.”
Light hadn’t realized the building had a cell until now. He sat behind the metal bars, on the other side was L and the rest of the task force. He looked at his father’s face once. The disappointment there should have cut through him, but Light just felt numb right now.
He was just going through the motions he’d already calculated. Honestly, he just wanted this part to be over already. He wanted all of it to be over.
“The thirteen day rule is fake,” Light told the group and the running camera. “I had a shinigami add it so I would have an alibi.”
“Who is the second Kira?” L asked.
“There is no second Kira,” Light told the only lie he’d worked into his story.
He’d made Misa give up her Death Note and all memories of being Kira. Then he broke her heart. She’d stay away from him and anything having to do with Kira now. That was the only way he’d be able to ensure that Rem didn’t kill either him or L.
“There is another notebook,” Light said. “I made other people use it with my notebook. When their time ran out I gave it to someone else.”
“And the evidence we found in Misa Amane’s apartment?” L asked.
“Was planted,” Light lied. “By me.”
“You framed an innocent girl?” It was surprising that it had taken this long for Matsuda to speak. Light figured he’d be the most angry. He’d trusted him too much—they all had. There were all fools.
“As I said before, I think it would be best if I conducted this interrogating alone.” L only sounded mildly annoyed.
The shocked look had long since faded, but each time L met Light’s eyes (he was the only one of the group who seemed to have the stomach to do so) the question was still there.
Why?
Light’s first day of teaching was the most exhausting day of his life. His class consisted of only three students, all of which went by fake names. The youngest seemed to be around twelve, while the older two couldn’t be older than fifteen. The loudest seemed to make it his personal mission not to give Light a break.
That was fine, Light hadn’t expected one. He was slightly surprised when L informed him that he wouldn’t be monitoring the class.
“It disrupts their focus if they know I’m watching,” he had explained.
By the end of Light’s three hour class he was ready to pass out. The older students left the room as soon as they were dismissed—they at least gave him the respect of waiting til then—while the younger lingered in his seat.
“Everything alright?” Light asked Near.
He was the age Sayu had been when he would constantly help her with her homework, though Light doubted any of the skills he’d learned from teaching his younger sister would help with L’s successor.
L had given him a briefing on each of his students. Light knew facts about this boy, but that didn’t mean he knew how to talk to him.
“Mello will get used to you,” Near informed him. “He doesn’t like change.”
“Yeah, I got that impression.”
“He also doesn’t like his position as L’s favorite being compromised,” Near’s voice held no emotion. It reminded Light of L’s. Maybe that was why Light knew there was no point in arguing to this child that his mentor didn’t have favorites.
“I thought you were L’s favorite,” he said honestly.
“I’m the most likely to succeed,” Near replied. “There’s a difference.”
“I see.”
Light turned to the chalk board behind him and started to erase the equations he’d written on it through the course of the class. Dust littered the air, settling on his black shirt in little white clumps. Light had a theory that the other classrooms had dry-erase boards and L had purposely given his this room to torment him.
“Are you Kira?”
“What?” Light turned back to the boy calmly sitting at the little wooden school desk.
His expression was relaxed, he looked like he’d just asked Light what his favorite food was. Light hadn’t expected this. Maybe he should have given this was L’s successors he was dealing with, but why would this kid think that L would let a mass murder into his home? Well, that conclusion could only be ridiculous if it wasn’t exactly what was happening.
For a moment Light considered denying it. He considered calling this kid crazy or riddling this off as an attempt to upset him. But that would be pointless. If Near had the resolve to ask him, he was most likely already certain that he was correct.
“How long have you thought that?” Light asked instead.
“I was suspicious when Roger said L was going to be staying for a while,” Near told him thoughtfully. “The timing is odd.”
“So that made you assume he was bringing a serial killer with him?” Light raise an eyebrow.
“No,” Near shook his head. “Meeting you did that.”
“I seem like a serial killer?”
“You seem like Kira,” Near said. “You’re not denying it.”
“L said I’m supposed to take you seriously,” Light shrugged. This was his new normal. He might as well get used to it. “Did you finish your assignment?”
“No.” Near glanced at the paper in front of him. Light had noticed him working on it at the end of the class. He hadn’t stopped him, knowing full well that some students could work and listen at the same time.
“You should be working on it, then.”
“I’m stuck.”
“Really?” That surprised him.
“It’s not that appalling.” Near deadpanned, the first emotion he’d displayed so far.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Light crossed the room to sit in the desk next to Near. “What’s confusing you?”
“I should be on trial by now.”
It was the fifth day since he’d given up. Light was still in the same cell. He was still waiting to die and L was still asking him questions he already knew the answer to.
“There’s more I don’t know,” L hummed. He was the only one on the other side of the bars. Light hadn’t seen the rest of the task force since that first day. He wondered how his family was, then had to stop himself from thinking about that.
“I confessed,” Light didn’t need to remind him. “You found the second notebook in my room. What else do you need?”
“You still haven’t answered my question.”
“That’s why you’re keeping me here?” Light was angry now.
“This could be a plan of yours,” L said. “Until I know why you’ve turned yourself in, it would be unwise to place you under arrest.”
“I’m sure the rest of the task force loves that,” Light spat.
“The rest of the task force trusts my judgment and is none of your concern.”
If there was one thing they’d all been forced to accept it was that L had been right from the start. Light was sure that stung their pride. No, they weren’t like him. It wasn’t their pride that had to be wounded right now. Light was sure that every member of the task force was disgusted—especially his father.
“It’s because I don’t want to do this anymore,” Light tried.
“And I don’t understand what lead you to that conclusion.”
“Maybe the fact that I don’t want to be a murderer,” Light said through his teeth.
“It’s unlikely that you would feel remorse now,” L mused. “After all of the lives you’ve ended to get here.”
“Fine,” Light closed his eyes. He didn’t want to do this. He thought that he’d at least be able to hold a little bit of his dignity. “You want the truth?”
“That has been my goal from the start, yes.”
“I’ll tell you everything, but I need you to come here.” Light doubted L would comply, even if he was handcuffed and L was as strong as him when he was at top form (given the strain the past few days had put on him Light doubted he’d last a minute in a fight even with his hands free).
He is chest tightened when L stood and walked to the bars. He produced a key from this pocket and undid the lock, sliding them open with ease. Before Light could say anything, L sat down on the cell bed next to him. They were inches away, but it wasn’t like L had ever cared about his personal space before.
“Satisfied?” L called his bluff.
“You’re insane,” Light breathed out.
“And you’re Kira,” L replied. “Will you answer me now?”
Light kissed him.
Near didn’t bring up Light’s past again. He didn’t act any differently. Light wasn’t sure if he should be concerned or relieved. He relayed the conversation to L, he knew if he didn’t L would find out some other way and he wanted to get talking about Kira over with.
“That was faster than I thought,” L had said.
“You knew he’d find out?” Light was offended. L could have at least given him a warning.
“Yes.”
“What about the other two?” Light asked. “Should I be expected the same confrontation from them?”
“I doubt it,” L brushed Light’s concern off. “It’s not a conclusion either of them would jump to.”
That didn’t stop Light from worrying. However, it was a different secret that Mello figured out.
“Here,” Mello slammed his completed homework onto Lights desk. Class had been over for twenty minutes, but Light liked to linger in the room in the off chance one of the kids needed something from him.
“That was fast,” he commented.
“Don’t act impressed,” Mello crossed his arms against his chest. “I’m just as much of a genius as the others.”
“I know,” Light said evenly. “You still did it fast.”
“Whatever,” Mello huffed.
In all of Light’s years as a teenager, he had never been this temperamental. Both L and Near had informed him that most of Mello’s attitude was an act. Light had yet to see any evidence of that. He glanced over the completed worksheet.
“This one’s wrong,” he pointed to the third problem.
“Really?” The annoyed expression vanished from Mello’s face.
“Yeah,” Light nodded. "But it was kind of a trick question.”
He motioned from Mello to sit so he could explain. To his surprise, Mello did without any complains. Light went over where Mello had gone wrong and broke down the correct answer.
“Oh yeah.” There was a concentrated look in Mello’s eyes. “That makes more sense.”
This was a completely different Mello than the one Light had been talking to moments ago.
“Listen, Mello,” he started. “You don’t have to like me, but I am here to help you.”
“Are you sleeping with L?”
The question caught Light as off guard as Near’s accusation on his first day had.
“What?” He gaped. “No, no I am not. And that is inappropriate.”
“You think I care about being appropriate?” Mello scoffed.
“I do not,” Light admitted. "But that doesn’t invalidate what I just said.”
Mello erupted into a fit of laughter..
“What?” Light was beyond confused. “Why are you laughing?”
“Normally the people they get to teach us quit by now,” Mello said. “I thought that would push you over the edge."
“I’m not a quitter,” Light lied.
“You’re in love with him though, right?” Mello asked. “I can tell from the way you talk about him.”
“That’s—”
“Inappropriate,” Mello finished. He was smirking.
Light found himself in the same place he’d been with Near. He could either lie when this kid clearly knew the truth, or he could level him with. Light chose the later. He’d gotten rid of his pride a long time ago.
“Is it that obvious?” He sighed.
“Wow, you’re admitting it.”
“Shut up,” Light shot him a glare. That seemed to quell Mello’s amusement.
“It’s not obvious,” he told him. “I’m probably the only one who knows. Everyone here is smart, that’s kind of a give in. Near’s like a fucking robot.”
“Language.”
"But that’s why I’m here too,” Mello leaned back on his chair. “He’s a machine that means he doesn’t understand emotions. Neither does L most of the time. I’m the off the walls one, but I understand what drives people. The adults here don’t get that, most of the kids don’t either.”
“Yeah.” That made sense.
“See you tomorrow,” Mello stood up.
“Mello,” Light said before his student could read the door. “For the record I never questioned why you were here.”
Mello smiled.
“Get up.”
L was unlocking the cell again. Light had expected this. He was ready for it. He finally gave L everything he asked for, and now he was going to be taken to his execution.
When L instead unlocked the handcuffs around Light’s wrists, Light was thrown back into the confusion.
“What’s going on?” He asked.
“You need to change and I think a shower would do you good as well,” L said matter-of-factly. He turned and walked to the door of the room and seemed surprised that Light wasn’t following him. “Come on.”
“I don’t understand,” Light wasn’t used to saying those words.
“I know.”
“Mello says he likes you,” L had entered Light’s room unannounced. Light would be annoyed if he wasn’t used to the interruptions. No matter how many times he’d tried to explain to L that it was rude to barge in, he hadn’t picked up the habit of knocking.
“He’s a good kid.” Light sat up from lying on his bed and closed the book he’d been reading a moment ago. “It just takes a while for him to open up.”
“I know,” L sat down on the opposite side of the bed. “But you’re there first instructor aside from myself to get through to him.”
“You don’t sound surprised,” Light pointed out.
“No,” L shook his head. “I am impressed with you, but I’ll admit that I hoped this would happen.”
“Is that why you gave me the job?” Light asked.
“No,” L answered.
Neither of them spoke for a moment.
“Why did you then?” Light asked. He’d been here for over a month and they hadn’t talked about Kira since his first day. “Why am here, L?”
L looked at him. His eyes still reminded Light of the rain. He’d been on the fence until he saw L standing out there on the roof. Sure, he’d made all of the preparations to confess. He’d broken up with Misa, he’d hugged Sayu and his mother one last time, but he’d also talked himself out of it a hundred times. He’d told himself over and over how stupid he was being for giving up his new world for a man who would never love him back.
Then he’d seen L standing there. He’d seen how human, and small, and real his rival really was. In that moment, Light had known he was making the right choice.
“Because you confused me,” L murmured. He wasn’t looking at him now. “And because I don’t want you to die.”
“Why?” Light echoed the words L had spoke on the roof that day.
“Do you still think you have feelings for me?” L asked back. The question shocked Light. He’d assumed that after he’d kissed L, they had both silently agreed they would never speak of the reason Light gave up being Kira again.
“What?”
“The way I see it,” L started. “Is that you never fully realized the strength of your crimes, and when it became too much you needed to give yourself an out. So instead of remorse, you convinced yourself that you’d developed romantic feelings for the one person you would have to kill in order to be Kira.”
Light laughed. The reaction surprised himself as much as he could tell it did L. Once again he received that shocked expression.
“Sorry to disappoint you, mister world’s-greatest-detective.” Light said when he could breathe again. “But you’re wrong.”
“Light, I—”
“I liked being Kira,” Light meant this. He meant this so fucking much. “And, you know what, I still think I was right. I did what I had to do to save the world. I didn’t stop because I got cold feet, I stopped because something I never could have predicted happened to me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I hate this,” Light was laughing again. It didn’t feel right. “I hate you so much.”
“Okay.”
“No, shut up,” Light closed his eyes. “I hate you because you had to become more important to me than the world.”
Light looked at L. He looked at the man he’d given everything up for.
“I love you,” he stood up from the bed. “So don’t you dare try to tell me that I’m lying to myself or I’m using this as an excuse to give up, because you’re wrong, L.”
Light left the room, leaving L sitting there on his bed, completely dumbfounded.
“We’re leaving in the morning,” L said to him. “If you want to say goodbye to you family, Watari can take you to your house now.”
“What if I make a break for it?” Light had no intention of running.
“He’ll stop you, but we both know you’re not that foolish.”
“I don’t need to go home,” Light informed him.
“You’re sure?” L asked. “Your father—”
“Probably wishes I died.” Light finished. He didn’t have the heart to see his mother or sister again either. It was better this way. “I don’t have a family anymore.”
L just looked at him for a moment.
“If you change your mind, you have the rest of the day.”
Light knew he wouldn’t.
Light went to the garden. It was the only place he could think to go. He needed to clear his head. He needed the words he’d just said to sit with L. He didn’t expect to find his third student picking tomatoes.
“Hey, Mr. Yagami!” Matt waved at him.
“I told you just to call me Light,” Light made a face. “I’m not that much older than you.”
“I know,” Matt shrugged.
“You garden?” Light was surprised.
“Roger says I need an activity that doesn’t involve screens.” It was Matt’s turn to make a face.
“That is healthy,” Light commented.
“The amount of plants I’ve killed isn’t,” Matt said back. “But I got the hang of it now.”
Light sat down on the wooden bench next to the floor beds. Matt followed with his basket of tomatoes, sitting next to him. Light watched Matt clean a particularly red one with his shirt before biting into it.
“You eat tomatoes like that?” Light blinked at him.
“I like them raw,” Matt shrugged.
He took another bite. It reminded Light too much of the way Ryuk would eat apples. He looked away, pretending it was disgust at the idea of biting down on a raw tomato, not the past he hadn’t really left behind.
“Are you okay?” Matt asked.
“I needed some air,” Light said.
“Right,” Matt didn’t seem to believe him. “Did you get in a fight with L?”
Light look at him.
“Sorry,” Matt said sheepishly. “Mello kind tells me everything.”
“We didn’t get in a fight,” Light sighed.
“No, you had a ‘disagreement,’” Matt drew air quotes around the word.
“I don’t know what Mello said, but there’s nothing going on between me and L,” Light tried to clarify.
“Yeah, yeah,” Matt waved him off. “I get it. It’s none of our business, blah, blah.”
Matt jumped up from the bench, apparently done with gardening for the day.
“It’s just been a while since he’s stayed this long,” Matt smiled slightly. “And with you here everyone seems happy.”
“I don’t think that’s my doing,” Light tried.
“You don’t know what he was like before,” Matt said. “It’s the same with Mello and Near. Sometimes they get bored, but I think they just use that word because they don’t want to say they’re depressed.”
“I think it comes with being a genius,” Light voiced.
“No,” Matt shook his head. “It comes with being lonely.”
Light hadn’t thought about life like that. He hadn’t thought about his own boredom like that. It made sense. Even though he’d given up being Kira, ever since he’d gotten here he hadn’t felt the boredom that used to suffocate him creep back in.
“Work things out, okay?” Matt told him. “This is a weird family, but I think you make sense in it.”
Light watched his student go.
“Ryuzaki, I have no teaching experience.” Light said for what felt like the hundredth time.
“I’m aware of that.”
“I’m not qualified,” Light stressed.
“For a regular teaching job, yes,” L hummed. “For this job in particular, no.”
Light wanted to cry—out of confusion, out of frustration, out of the fact that he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in days—but he’d held out this long without letting tears leave his eyes. He wasn’t going to let go of this last but of dignity yet.
“I guess I’m just going to have to trust you then,” Light uttered.
“It would be easier if you did.”
“Light?” L stood awkwardly next to the bench. Light had watched him walk all the way over here without either of them saying anything. “Can we talk?”
“Do I have the right to refuse?” Light asked back.
“Yes,” L looked even more uncomfortable now. “I never meant to give you the impression that you had to do anything against your will here.”
“You know, it’s kind of hard not to think that when we both know you’re the only thing keeping me from prison right now.” Light was being harsh, but he’d been nice and accommodating ever since L had led him out of that cell. He’d had enough.
“Would you rather I had arrested you?” L asked.
“What am I supposed to say to that?” Light glared at him. “Of course I’d rather be here doing something I surprisingly enjoy than waiting to get executed.”
“I’m glad you enjoy teaching,” L said. “I think you’re making a positive impact on all of them, and I’m happy to have you here.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t understand why you’re protecting me,” Light didn’t want to fight, not really. It was just that fighting with L felt familiar, it was easier than having to be open with him. “Sit down, already.”
L did.
“I didn’t mean to offend your earlier,” L said.
“I know,” Light let out a sigh. “I’m sorry I lashed out.”
“You don’t need to apologize, but can I at least explain why I reached the conclusion that you deemed incorrect?”
“It is incorrect,” Light needed to say. “But, sure, go ahead.”
“I have never had time for a relationship in my life,” L told him. “For a long time I thought I was incapable to attraction.”
“Look, I get that you don’t feel the same way,” Light blurted. “You don’t have to reject me, okay?”
“I’m not finished,” L met his eyes. “I thought this until I met you.”
It was Light’s turn to feel shock.
“Which was unfortunate,” L smiled slightly. “Since you’re Kira.”
“Should you maybe not say that out loud?” Light asked but L ignored him.
“When you kissed me I told myself that it was impossible for someone like you to return my feelings,” L’s smile saddened.
“Because I’m a murderer,” Light knew it shouldn’t sting but it did.
“Because you’re beautiful,” L whispered. “And you could have anyone, Light. Why would you want me?”
“You’re serious?” Light stared at him.
“Yes,” L looked embarrassed now. “I know I’m not attractive. Everything I do or say seems to upset you. I don’t have the best social skills and—”
Light kissed L for the second time.
“I think you’re beautiful,” he murmured when their lips parted. “And sometimes you upset me, sure, but you’re the first person who’s ever understood me.”
“You’re sure about this?” L asked softly.
“If you can actually trust me after everything I’ve done,” Light wince. “The yes. I’m sure.”
“My name is L Lawliet.”
“You shouldn’t tell me that,” Light breathed out.
“I already did,” L smiled that cocky smile that made Light want to kiss him again. “And that’s my olive branch to you. We’re on equal footing now.”
This time L started the kiss. Once of Light’s hands found L’s waste, the other tangled in his hair. Light deepened this kiss, taking the lead he knew L was still hesitant to. Part of him still couldn’t believe this was happening. He couldn’t believe that he was allowed to have this.
“Get a room!”
The shout from the door of the house broke them apart. For the first time, Light saw L’s face turn red as he stared at the three boys watching them.
“Ha, I told you!” Mello was grinning ear to ear. Matt looked mildly embarrassed, while Near just seemed annoyed.
“I’m giving all of you so much homework tomorrow,” Light warned.
“Sorry, we’ll leave you alone!” Matt blurted before dragging the other two away. Light couldn’t help laughing.
“Well, they were going to find out at some point,” L mused.
“Yeah,” Light hummed.
He took L’s hand in his. L looked at him. For the first time, Light saw the clouds in his grey eyes clear.