Chapter Text
TW: talk of pressing charges; panic attack
Chapter seven
As soon as Keith felt a hand on his shoulder, his arms shot forward to defend himself. When he heard a man’s voice cry out, his mind started racing. He couldn’t place that voice. Who had gotten into his room this time?
As his vision started to clear, he was met by an annoyed glare. ‘James?’ Keith croaked out. Right. He wasn’t in his apartment anymore. He wasn’t there anymore. His heartbeat slowed.
James rubbed his nose, wariness replacing the annoyance. He contemplated Keith for a second, taking in the state his new roommate was in. ‘Sorry, your door was open so I thought… Never mind. I shouldn’t have touched you without permission, I’m sorry.’
‘I’m sorry I hit you.’ Keith offered in return. ‘Are you okay?’
James huffed. ‘Fine, you didn’t hit that hard.’ The two considered each other. Finally, just as Keith was about to ask what James wanted, the latter cleared his throat and looked away. ‘I made dinner.’
Frowning, Keith wondered if he meant for both of them or if he meant that the kitchen was now free for Keith to use. ‘Enjoy.’
James rolled his eyes. ‘For both of us. Hope you like spaghetti.’
Keith perked up. ‘I love spaghetti.’
James motioned for Keith to follow him. The small table had already been set, and James went over to the stove to carry the two pots over. Keith awkwardly waited. Did James have his own seat or could Keith sit wherever? Did James need help? Should he offer to grab drinks? Oh no, wait, there were already two glasses and a pitcher with water. Never mind then.
When James set down the pot with pasta, he noticed Keith awkwardly lingering. ‘Are… you gonna sit down or what?’
‘Oh, right.’ Still, Keith lingered, until James plopped down on the chair closest to him, leaving Keith only one other option. Much easier decision.
Already enthusiastically digging in, James suddenly paused. ‘Wait, oh my god, do you want to pray first? Sorry for being rude!’
‘No, no, it’s alright! I don’t pray.’
‘Then… how about some cheese? I can go get some?’
That left Keith stumped. It had been a while since someone had offered him that. Then, Keith being Keith, he simply blurted out: ‘I’m lactose intolerant.’
‘Oh.’ Silence. ‘Good to know.’
Filled with embarrassment, Keith shoved a forkful of spaghetti in his mouth, trying to ignore the rush of discomfort at that. His jaw locked tight, but his mouth was already filled anyway and he could feel it starting to slide down his throat. Trying to ignore the feeling of his throat working around the food, Keith sat as still as he could, hoping James didn’t notice. He was kind of hoping James had added some sort of dairy to the sauce that would kill him.
Unfortunately, the sucker had only added lots of oregano. Just the way Keith liked it. Asshole.
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Despite the dinner being a bit awkward, Keith was content with the James-situation. Even the following days, the two would have dinner together. Keith mostly spent the days alone, considering that James still had a job to go to. In addition, James was the one who went grocery shopping. Even though James had offered to get anything Keith wanted, the latter never added anything on the list. The only input he had was when James and he discussed what they wanted for dinner. Since James’s days were so busy, Keith had offered to do most of the cooking, so he ended up adding to the list anyway, but he never asked for things that were just for him. He was fine just the way he was. Still, Keith found that, whenever possible, James would get lactose-free or -reduced products, and he’d even found a box of pills that might help. While Keith appreciated it, it wasn’t like he wouldn’t have eaten a regular pizza or something. Yeah, he was lactose intolerant, but that wasn’t going to stop him.
James acted a bit careful around Keith, but it seemed like it was mostly because he didn’t really know the ravenette. Not because he knew what happened to Keith. And not because he felt bad, or angry. Not even because he was starstruck by living with an actor. He just treated Keith like a new roommate he had yet to get truly comfortable with. Which was a good thing, because James didn’t need to treat Keith like he was made of glass. He wasn’t.
Keith knew that, had he not been through what he went through, Keith would have been a lot more moody, aggravating and hot headed. Now, he was quieter, more withdrawn. Somewhere in the back of his brain, he realized it was because he didn’t want to make James angry. He didn’t know James, and he didn’t know how he acts when agitated.
Not that that mattered. He had thought he knew Shiro’s ex pretty well.
Maybe Keith should make James angry. Just so he knew what it would be like, what he could expect. Just so he wouldn’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop.
There was that one time, when James had been observing Keith while the latter was glued to his phone, that tensions had risen between the roommates. James had tried to casually mention seeing some blown up tweet badmouthing Keith, and had wanted to know more. Though the tweet hadn’t mentioned specifics, it had freaked Keith out realizing that the one person who didn’t know what happened to him could be finding out when Keith didn’t want him to know. To make matters worse, James was the attentive kind of person that immediately went over to his side to try to comfort him, but when James raised his hand, Keith had all but fallen off the chair to get away. James had begun apologizing profusely, but Keith had quickly stormed to his room. He couldn’t bare trying to calm down James as long as he wasn’t himself.
When he’d had the time to breathe, he sheepishly went back to James, who’d fortified himself on the couch with blankets and tea. Carefully, Keith draped one of the blankets around himself as well, silently taking his place next to James.
‘No touching?’ James kept staring at his tea, brows furrowed, as if he was trying to solve a very elaborate math equation.
‘No touching.’
‘No questions?’
‘Please.’
Leaning forward, James plucked the second mug off the coffee table and held it out for Keith as he leaned back. ‘Alright. I found a cool documentary about space, wanna watch?’
A corner of Keith’s mouth tugged up, but Keith made sure to hide it behind the steaming cup of tea. ‘Alright.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, about a week after Keith’s disastrous birthday, he was scrolling through social media again, though he made sure to do his hate-update in the safety of his bedroom nowadays. He knew he shouldn’t bother keeping track, since people were only insulting him anyway, and the people who didn’t were bravely starting to suggest things Keith didn’t want to read. Regardless, Keith scrolled through twitter, on a third account. He’d had to remove his second account after it was besieged by angry fans. That cover was blown anyway, so he didn’t know why he should keep it.
Although, his main account was also receiving hate every day. He didn’t remove that one, but only accessed it every once in a while, when he needed to look back at all the sappy posts about Lance he’d had there, all the pictures he’d shared. When those memories hurt too much, he went back to the more recent tweets, or switched to his other account to go through his friends’ accounts.
Though the words thrown at him weren’t new, the hurt they left grew with each comment. I think I’d rather have those sticks and stones right now.
Rolling onto his back with a wince, Keith put his phone down and stared at the ceiling. What was he even doing?
The ringing of his phone answered that question. Picking up the phone would probably be a good first step.
Groaning, Keith swatted his bed, trying to find the phone he’d had in his grasp only seconds ago.
‘Your phone is ringing,’ James supplied, ever so helpful, from where he left the bathroom.
‘Thanks, James, I noticed.’ Then, swiping to answer, Keith brought the phone up to his ear. ‘Hello?’
‘Who is it?’
‘I don’t know yet, now shush.’
‘Is it safe to talk now?’ The voice on the other side huffed, amused.
‘Ryan!’
James stumbled into the room. ‘Ryan?’ Keith raised his eyebrow.
‘The one and only. Hi James.’
As James dropped himself onto Keith’s bed, the latter twisted the phone away from himself for a second to relay the message. ‘Hi Ryan!’ James exclaimed in return, nearly pressing his ear against the back of the phone. Awkwardly, Keith scooched away a bit. James leaned over to bridge the gap, still, but kept a bit more distance. The ravenette rolled his eyes, but the other didn’t notice.
With a churning in his stomach, Keith focused back on the conversation at hand. ‘What can I do for you?’
‘Just wanted to check up on you, and I have some news later, when James butts out.’
‘Hey!’
Ignoring his roommate, Keith frowned. ‘News? Bad news? What happened?’ He could feel James’s eyes on him now, but ignored it in favor of keeping his dinner down.
‘Oh no!’ Ryan was quick to reassure, ‘not bad news! Just… an update on official business, meaning it’s confidential, meaning James should remember the definition of the word “privacy” and leave.’
‘Don’t be so mean, babe.’
‘Don’t call me “babe”.’
James huffed, a smirk on his face. ‘Hate to watch me leave but love to watch me go. I get it, Ry.’
A long groan. ‘I can’t even see you.’
James winked at Keith, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes as he got up from the bed. ‘I’ve got an easy solution for that. I get it. All you had to do was ask, and you shall receive!’ Laughing, James left Keith’s room and closed the door behind him.
On the other side of the line, Ryan spluttered. ‘Wait, what does that mean? Jamie? James!’ He cursed, but even Keith could hear the laughter in his voice.
‘So…’ Keith drawled, stretching the last letter. ‘”Jamie” huh?’
‘Hmm? Oh yea. He’s… something.’
‘Something. Is there also… something… between you?’
Keith almost dropped the phone when Ryan started laughing. ‘Oh no! He’s a shameless flirt, but he’s harmless. He likes flirting, but he doesn’t actually mean for something to happen.’
A soft smile spread over Keith’s lips. ‘Harmless flirt. Sounds like someone I know.’
‘Sorry I didn’t warn you. He’s not into guys, anyway, so you’re good, even if he turns the charms on you.’
‘Oh, sorry for assuming!’
‘No problem. Anyway. Now that he’s gone, I just wanted to tell you that Ina recovered the audio.’ Keith fell silent, a shiver running cold down his spine. A hesitation. Then: ‘Have you… decided if you want to press charges?’
‘I’m, uh, not really sure yet?’ Keith really was a coward, wasn’t he?
‘That’s totally fine, take your time. You know there’s no shame in that?’ When Ryan got no response, there was a brief release of air. Did Ryan sigh at him? Was he done with him being difficult? ‘I didn’t want to bring it up yet, but… if you want to take Evan to trial…’
Keith gasped. ‘You know his name?’
Ryan huffed, but it sounded amused. ‘First of all, I wouldn’t be very good at my job if I hadn’t found that out by now, would I? And second, we kind of need it, if you’re going against him in court? And I mean, there was the stuff that Rolo collected. I had them tested, just in case we’d be lucky, and I found that even the hair he found was his. It matched with the fingerprints on the phone as well as the account who posted the pictures. Evan Hadlow, that’s him, isn’t it?’
Quietly: ‘Yeah.’
‘I’m sorry to bring him up, but as I was saying, if you decide you want to press charges, you’re going to have to see him. You’re going to have to look at the pictures, and probably hear the audio, and talk about it.’
‘I know.’
‘Just… It’s going to take a while before we get there, and I know the most important thing is your safety and health, but… it’s going to be really tough.’
‘I know.’
The line stayed silent for a bit. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I know.’ Sighing, the shaking boy tried to calm himself. ‘Thank you for all your effort. I’m gonna… go. Now.’
The voice on the other side had softened. ‘Take care.’
After trading a shaky goodbye, Keith dropped his phone on the bed and buried his face in his hands. He had known Ryan was building up evidence for a trial, but he hadn’t realized, really realized, what that entailed. He couldn’t possibly think he could actually do this? No one would believe him. What if the evidence wasn’t good enough? What if Keith had blown things way out of proportion? What if he was just kidding himself, or exaggerating or trying to get more attention?
Keith scoffed at himself. He sure got plenty of attention now.
The screen started blurring, or no, it wasn’t the screen. Fuck, am I really going to cry again? Fucking weak. I’m fine. I got out, didn’t I? I’m safe n-
You’re safe, making me feel so good.
Keith’s stomach lurched, he felt his muscles tense to the point of seizing. His body hurt so much that he couldn’t get himself to move to the bathroom. Breathing deeply, Keith closed his eyes tightly and buried his face in his knees, trying to get his stomach to settle. Breathing was really starting to hurt, which was both good and bad. Good, because the pain distracted him from his stomach until he was sure the carpet in the room would be safe. Bad for obvious reasons.
Wow breathing was really hurting, was there even any air here? Wait, was he dying?
Would sure solve a lot of problems.
Wait no-
He was really lightheaded now, was he even still breathing?
‘-eith?’
What was that? Keith looked up, but his vision was really blurry. There was someone in front of him. A brunette. Keith’s first instinct was to propel himself backwards, into the wall, but his mind then whispered Lance?
No, don’t be stupid, he would never.
Because you cheated.
Because you couldn’t stopitstopitIdon’twantthisithurts.
Peppermint.
That was peppermint. Why was he smelling peppermint? Blinking rapidly, Keith saw someone unfamiliar sitting in front of him. Also male, with long, light hair falling down his back – really, was that white or just really light blond? Keith didn’t recognize him.
Oh, that questioning noise was Keith’s.
‘You’re safe,’ The new guy whispered, You’re safe, making me feel so good, and Keith’s vision tunneled. Maybe he fell over, maybe he was already against the wall, Keith couldn’t remember. Through the haze, he could hear this new man making soothing noises. When the stranger noticed he got Keith’s attention, he switched back to talking. ‘I’m Lotor, a friend of James. I will not hurt you. You are in your room, in James’s apartment. It’s October.’ Somewhere, this process of repeating the same statements seemed familiar to Keith.
With the smell of peppermint still around – a small vial, in Lotor’s hand – and Lotor’s soothing voice repeating things Keith could understand, he could feel himself return from wherever he had been. He could hear quick breathing, and realized with a start that it was his own.
‘You’re doing great, Keith.’ Lotor murmured, still kneeling low in the ground, in front of Keith’s bed. ‘Is it alright if I touch you?’
A whine left Keith’s lips before words did. ‘NononopleasestopIdon’t-‘
‘Alright, I won’t touch you. I won’t, I promise.’ Seeing Lotor actually staying where he was kept Keith from teetering back over that edge. In the same low voice, Lotor’s eyes still trained on Keith’s, he asked something. It took a few more tries before Keith’s mind registered the question. ‘Can you tell me five things you can see?’
Not understanding, Keith kept staring at this stranger in front of him. Why was he… but he was looking so inviting. ‘Carpet.’ Keith managed to stutter. Upon Lotor’s encouraging nod, Keith moved his eyes a bit. ‘Dresser.’ Wait now he couldn’t see the stranger anymore. ‘Purple shirt.’
‘That’s right, what else?’ Lotor encouraged, his hand slipping to the purple shirt he was wearing.
The movement of a hand startled Keith a bit, but he’d also found the next thing to focus on. ‘James.’ When he heard his name, James startled a bit, even though he had seen Keith’s focus shift to him.
‘One more.’ Lotor encouraged, bringing Keith’s gaze back to him.
‘Lo-tor?’
The man’s smile grew, making his eyes crinkle. ‘Very good, Keith. Now, can you name four things you feel?’
‘Scared,’ Is what slipped out immediately.
Oh, that was a wrong answer. The man looked confused. ‘That’s okay, Keith. It’s completely fine to feel that way. Can you tell me physical things as well?’
Keith blinked at him. What was he feeling other than scared? Overwhelmed? No, that’s not physical. What’s a physical feeling?
‘What are you leaning against?’ Lotor decided to help him. ‘When you trace your fingers over it, what do you feel?’
Oh, right. Arms. Muscles. Moving. Those were things Keith could do. Slowly, Keith reached behind him. Huh, he really was leaning against something. Something hard and sturdy, kept him from falling over. Where did Lotor say he was? Right his room, so this is a… ‘Wall. It’s hard, and coarse and… scratchy.’
‘Good, and what are you sitting on?’
His hand fell down to something… ‘Soft. And crinkly, and moveable… blanket.’
He was once again rewarded with a smile. Very soft, curled ever so gently. ‘Very good,’ Slowly, the man reached out his hand, and offered it, palm up, to Keith. ‘And this?’
Keith stared, but the movement had paralyzed him. That was a hand. What was it trying to do? Hit? Choke? Caress? Grip? He shook his head, staring at the tanned limb, wishing he could become one with the wall.
‘That’s alright,’ Lotor reassured, lowering his hand back down. ‘You don’t have to. We can find something else. What is your hand touching right now?’
Keith’s hand? It was clutching the sheet, wasn’t it? It was pushing him away. It was bound. It was-
-in his lap. Flitting his eyes, briefly, down, he saw his hand, scratching. ‘Jeans?’
‘Excellent. Now, can you tell me three things you hear?’
Ironically, that made Keith fall silent for a bit. ‘James.’ His gaze went to his roommate. ‘Tapping his foot.’ Immediately, the sound stopped. James looked sheepish.
‘It’s alright, that was good.’ Lotor reassured, which automatically made Keith say Lotor’s name as well. ‘Yes, you can hear me talking as well. One more thing?’
Frowning, Keith tried to focus. What else could he hear? He felt like he was starting to float again, raising higher, as if he would melt into the ceiling and into the apartment above him where there was a… ‘Dog. Barking.’
The blonde (was he?) in front of him looked a bit surprised, before he blinded Keith again with his encouraging smile. ‘Very good! You’re doing great. Two things you smell?’
‘Peppermint.’ Lotor laughed, oh so gently, murmuring he could’ve expected that one. ‘Your cologne.’ It was true, there was a soft lingering smell of cologne, the kind that has already been worn an entire day and could only be traced faintly.
Nodding his head, Lotor asked for one more thing. ‘Last one, you’re doing perfect. One thing you can taste?’
That stumped Keith. Blinking in confusion, he ran his tongue around his mouth. Honestly, he could taste nothing. But would that disappoint Lotor? He looked up at Lotor through his lashes and hesitated. Maybe he would get mad? But really, what was he supposed to say? So finally, he admitted that he couldn’t taste anything in particular.
‘That’s okay.’ Lotor reassured. ‘You’ve done great. Would you like some chocolate?’ Where he got it from, Keith didn’t know, but Lotor had pulled out a bar of chocolate and offered Keith a freshly broken off piece. Wordlessly, Keith took it. It really was good chocolate. The way it melted in his mouth was nice too, warm and soft.
Warm and soft and wet and stretched-
‘Alright, you’ve done spectacular, Keith.’ Oh, still a conversation. That he was participating in. Not really knowing what else to do, and still sitting with a mouthful of chocolate, Keith nodded. He kept watching as Lotor sat there, observing the rise and fall of his chest. He found himself matching the breathing pattern, and forced himself to focus on the taste in his mouth and the low rumble of Lotor’s voice, banishing any lingering thoughts of wrong and danger.
Slowly, James approached. ‘Can I sit?’
Keith nodded, suddenly feeling embarrassed. James hadn’t known what happened to him, but if he kept this up, he would probably figure it out soon. If he hadn’t already, with the media exposure and all. ‘I’m fine.’
James sat, but didn’t respond to Keith’s statement. After a bit of silence, with Lotor silently observing the two but not interfering, James whispered: ‘You weren’t responding when I came home. It was kind of scary.’
Keith quickly looked down, angry with himself. He hadn’t even noticed James had come in. ‘I’m sorry.’ That was really dangerous. He had to be able to keep his head, had to know what was happening around him.
Quickly, James looked up at Keith again, holding up his hands. ‘No! Don’t be sorry! Just, I didn’t know what to do? And Lotor lives across the hall, and I know he has experience with these things so I went and got him and I’m sorry for bringing a stranger into your room without asking…’
Keith, though wary at James’ hands at first, managed to smile at the words. ‘It’s okay. Really. Thank you. For helping.’
With a start, James halted. He looked at Keith, almost scrutinizing, before smiling back. ‘No problem.’