Chapter Text
“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, a touch too cheerfully. Remy sighs, already slightly suspicious of who it’s from. He puts his finger to the screen, sliding it around as he searches for the desired section.
“Voicemail.”
One finger down.
“Daniel Zurko. M-”
Double tap.
“Hey Remy. I don’t know- I don't know what you were thinking. Flying off to Florida like that- Remy you can’t do that that’s- you could have been hurt and you can’t just- You can’t do that, okay Remy? I don’t know what’s going I on. I know you and Logan are close and I can only guess you went to him but… We gotta talk about these things, okay? It’s fine this time though, not a big deal. Let’s get you home, I’m worried. It’s- you can’t handle yourself Remy and I worry about you being by yourself. I know you’re 18 but Remy you have to understand there’s things you just aren’t capable of. I-,” a sigh, “Just, call me okay? Let’s get you home, we can talk then. I love you Remy. Call me.”
Things are fine.
Remy has been staying with Virgil, Logan, and their boyfriends for a few days now, and things are still very new, but Remy is adjusting just fine.
Everything is great.
His dad keeps calling him which is sorta annoying, but it’s easy enough to deny the calls. In fact, he doesn’t just deny them but ignores them completely, pushing them to the back of his mind to not be thought about at all. So far the plan seems to be working. Not answering calls means he doesn’t have to talk to his dad and ignoring them completely means that Remy doesn’t have to worry about them.
It’s a foolproof plan, denying the gravity of his situation.
And really, he isn’t denying anything. This whole spontaneous ‘run away until I can go to college thing’ isn’t that big of a deal. It’s only for a few months anyways. Then, he’ll go to college and everything will calm down. It’ll be fine. Everything would be fine.
Remy doesn’t feel fine.
See, the downside of running away and going to live with your cousin, friend, and their boyfriends is that Remy’s life has no structure. Sure, he's starting to build some for himself. He takes Cha-Cha for walks, stops by Starbucks, but he still has a lot of downtime.
And downtime means a lot of time to ruminate.
Remy thinks about things a lot. Mostly things he doesn’t want to think about. Like the fact that he had just traveled across the country with zero support from his father. Like the fact that he ran away and is refusing to talk to his father because Remy hit a breaking point and he just can’t do this anymore. Like the fact that he knows he’s way in over his head except that he has no idea what to do about that so he’s just bullshitting his way through all of this. Like the fact that everything’s pressing around him and sometimes it makes it hard to breathe and-
He needs to get out of his head.
He knows he does. He does. He just doesn't know how.
“Lot on your mind?” Virgil asks.
“Hmm?” Remy responds, pulling his attention back to Virgil. “Oh. I dunno. No.”
“Right,” Virgil says and Remy knows that Virgil doesn't believe him at all.
Remy huffs and shrugs.
“I mean, I dunno? I guess. But I’m fine. I just-” he trails off. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ a voice in him internally screams, but he isn't dealing with that shit so he shoves it somewhere deep inside of him.
“Just?” Virgil asks, carrying the word, because of course Virgil won’t let him get away with anything.
“I- uh I get my roommate or roommates today,” Remy says in place of actually answering with what he maybe should.
Virgil doesn’t speak for a moment and Remy thinks that maybe he really is going to be forced to share.
“Yeah?” he says after a minute.
Remy doesn’t sigh in relief, but it’s close.
“Yeah,” Remy agrees.
“Still have no clue why you decided to do that. You do realize how easy it would be for you to get a single right?”
Remy does, and he’d rather die than be put in a single. Even if his roommate is a complete asshole, the minimum social interaction from their conversations has to be better than being completely alone. Anything would be better than being alone. Remy hates being alone.
He’s always been alone.
He doesn’t think he’s ever going to stop being alone.
“I know. I wanted to. Come on, roommates are like the college experience.”
Virgil breathes out huffed laughter.
“Okay,” he says, voice full of mirth, “I mean I’m of the personal opinion that roommates suck but-”
“No you’re not-” new voice joins in, startling Remy a bit. It’s Patton or Roman but he can’t differentiate their voices super well yet. Getting there but he’s definitely not at the point where he can identify them based on three words.
“Uh yes, sharing a room with you was the worst experience of my life,” Virgil responds.
Past tense. It’s Roman then.
“Two things. One, we currently share a room so that’s bullshit. Two, you were the first to even agree with the idea,” Roman argues.
A dark shape enters Remy’s limited field of vision, backlit from the light coming through the window. A moment later, Roman disappears as he traveled away from the light source and presumably towards Virgil.
“I remember conditionally agreeing,” Virgil barters back, “And I was the first to agree because you asked me first. If you think about it, I actually took the most time to agree to the idea even if I technically answered first.”
“Eh, semantics,” Roman brushes off, “Anyways you like me to much to get rid of me.”
Virgil grumbles but doesn’t deny it.
“So what’s this about roommates?” Roman asks.
A chair scrapes against the floor as he takes a seat next to Virgil at the table.
“I get my roommate or roommates today,” Remy explains.
“And I was saying that he should have gotten a single.”
Remy would’ve hated a single. He’s just hoping whoever he rooms with isn’t going to be a complete asshole.
“Oh come on, roommates are fun.”
“If they’re anything like you were- no they are not.”
“Oh! Hey! Speaking of single rooms, Remy did Virgil ever tell you how Patton and him met?” Roman’s voice gains an eager tone, humor hanging behind it.
Remy rolls his eyes because he knows exactly where this conversation is going.
“Roman,” Virgil warns.
“You see, what happens when you have a single is that you have no one to let you inside if you lock yourself out,” Roman starts.
“Hey Remy, did I ever tell you about the time that Roman gave himself a concussion and a bloody nose because he fell off his desk?” Virgil quickly interrupts.
“Okay no- that’s not fair. I was trying to make my point. It’s your fault I fell off that desk.” Roman bickers back.
Virgil forms his rebuttal and the two of them go at it, hashing out an argument they’ve had probably a billion times.
Remy has in fact heard both of these stories numerous times, as they seem to be Roman and Virgil’s favorite pieces of playful ammunition at one other. With the two distracted, Remy slips away to check his email.
The roommate assignment hasn’t come. He sighs, and reloads it. Nothing. He sighs, and reloads it again, ‘cause he’s got nothing better to do.
He blinks in surprise when his phone reports that he actually has just gotten an email from the university. Remy lets the screen read the information to him, quickly speeding through the parts that seem unimportant. He eventually finds a name, just one of them.
Kai Jacobson.
Okay, one roommate. Remy can work with that. He thinks about reaching out, getting in touch, getting to know whoever this “Kai” is. But Remy literally got this email five minutes ago and that seems a bit stalkerish so he decides to wait a bit.
He holds off until after dinner and then emails his mysterious new roommate, eager to get to know him. Now that he actually has a roommate college is starting to seem more and more like a reality. Something thrums softly inside of Remy, and he thinks it’s maybe relief.
Kai doesn’t respond that night, but he has an email that evening and a phone number. They switch to texting.
It’s Logan that finds him a week later, sprawled casually across the sofa, earbud in his ear as he listens to Kai’s last text before responding. Cha-Cha was at his feet a moment ago, though the last time he leaned his foot down to brush against her fur, she wasn’t there.
He’s on his phone in the first place because his Dad called and he ignored it once more. After, his mind kept buzzing, so he opened up his texts and reached out to Kai, hoping for a quick response and a distraction. He doesn’t want to talk to his dad, doesn’t want to ruminate in what Remy has done. But Kai came through, replying to his text quickly. They’d been talking for awhile now and Remy has barely thought about his dad at all.
The text finishes reading itself and Remy holds down the mic on his headphones, eager to reply when a voice interrupts him.
“What are you doing?” Logan asks.
Remy pulls his attention away from his phone.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” he snarks back.
Logan moves.
“I’m not sure,” he admits, as he comes closer.
“Talking to Kai,” Remy says, giving a real answer.
“Oh. Uh, who’s Kai?”
“A friend.”
“You have friends?”
The corner of Remy’s mouth twitches at the comment, not quite giving way to humor, but close.
“Sorry,” Logan immediately apologizes when he doesn’t respond. “Sorry. That was rude. I didn’t- I meant- I- I think that maybe sounded wrong. I’m trying to say-”
Remy let’s Logan flounder for words for a bit, giving him the opportunity to speak and clarify, but when nothing comes from it and Logan just seems to be angry with himself, Remy jumps in.
“You’re good Lo, you don’t need to apologize. Admittedly- don’t quite know what you’re trying to ask if your question isn’t ‘do you have friends’ but if that is your question, I don’t mind it and the answer to it is yes, yes I do have friends.”
Remy does. Most of them are from home but he hasn’t talked to any of them since he got here. He’s gotten a few texts and the group chat he’s in still carries on with spamming him constantly. (It’d probably be annoying if he didn’t constantly have it on mute). And it’s- his friends are good people. He just... doesn’t know what to say.
He hasn’t even worked up the courage to text them, and he feels pretty guilty about that because they probably have no clue what happened to him. They were going to go out to the movies a few days ago and if they hadn’t been concerned then, they certainly are now. Remy knows that. But he still doesn’t talk to them.
What do you say after you make an instinctual decision to fly across the country three months earlier than planned with no explanation or goodbye? What do you say when you run away from home and, sure, you’re an adult but you have no fucking clue what you’re doing and something deep inside of you hurts and you’re scared and lost and alone and you don’t know how to deal with that, how to even begin addressing that?
Luckily, Remy doesn’t get to ponder those distressing thoughts any further, because Logan speaks up.
“I meant-” Logan tries after a moment, but he just cuts himself again with another sigh. He takes a seat on the couch, leg pressing into Remy’s feet. Considering Logan’s the one that initiated the physical touch, Remy throws his feet onto Logan’s lap. One of Logan’s legs bounces as he continues to ponder his question.
“Y’know it’s fine if you did just want to ask if I had a friend or not,” Remy said. He can’t tell with Logan sometimes- when Logan regrets saying something because he realizes it’s maybe not considered ‘socially appropriate’ or when Logan regrets saying something because it’s not quite what he meant and he’s not getting his point across.
“No, no,” Logan says. His leg bounces faster. “I meant more- you have friends as in I’m interested in them? Tell me about them. Who are you talking to?”
“Kai,” Remy says.
“Who’s that?”
“My roommate.”
“You got your roommate? And just one? And you’re hearing this late? What about priority?”
“Mhmm,” Remy agrees, “I signed up for the gender-inclusive dorming which is why I didn’t have priority. I think I maybe told you that. But yeah- the freshman dorms are generally less roommates because they’re tiny apparently.”
“Oh. Yes. I remember that now. Patton’s dorm was very small.”
“Yeah. So it’ll be just the two of us.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
Remy shrugs.
“Dunno yet,” he admits, “Kai seems pretty cool though. They actually live locally so we’re planning to meet up. And that should be nice- getting to know them a bit before I meet them.”
“Oh. That’s good.”
“Yeah. They were very disappointed when I admitted that I didn’t play any video games. Joking disappointed,” Remy amends so Logan is aware that it wasn’t a real issue, “Or well- he was a bit disappointed but short-term it's not really a big deal disappointed. But I sated him with picture of Cha-Cha.”
He recalls the conversation fondly. Maybe he should talk to some of his friends back him if this minimal interaction between him and a practical stranger gets him this hyped up. Remy’s always been an extrovert. People around him- good people, friends- have always had a recharging effect on him. He’s been lonely without them.
Or he would be lonely. But he’s not. Because he’s fine.
Remy pushes those thoughts away.
“Oh! And give me a second,” Remy pulls his phone back out, searches for the pictures that have been sent. “Kai said that Cha-Cha was yawning in one of them and that it’s very cute, look.”
Logan takes the phone from him. He struggles with the voice commands for a moment.
“Double tap,” Remy reminds, when the same description is being read off over and over again.
Logan gives a hum of acknowledgement.
“Very cute,” he observes after a moment, “I didn’t know she had spots on her tongue.”
As if summoned, Cha-Cha comes over from wherever she was, collar jingling slightly as she settles her head on Logan’s leg, panting ever so slightly.
“Oh yeah,” Remy says, “Totally forgot about those.” He directs his next sentences at his dog, “Yeah, Cha-Cha? You have little spots on your tongue?”
Cha-Cha doesn’t reply, but does shuffle over to Remy’s side, settling her snout under his arm and nudging him slightly.
“I know, I know, you want a walk we can go in a minute,” he promises. She noses him once more and then stops, presumably settling on the floor again. Remy reaches a hand to check absentmindedly, fingers curling into her fur.
“Phone,” Logan offers, finished looking at the pictures.
Remy lets go of Cha-Cha and extends his hand towards Logan. Logan presses the phone against his fingers and he grabs it, settling it on his chest.
“I’m going to take Cha-Cha for a walk,” he says. At the words, Cha-Cha shoots to her feet in and instant. “Wanna come?”
“Sure,” Logan agrees. Remy nods, and throws his feet off of Logan. The action causes his phone to fall of his chest and clatter to the ground. He makes a face and takes a minute to find it on the floor before standing and pocketing it.
He looks over at the nearest window, checking the light. It isn’t too bright outside, but it was raining earlier and Remy learned a long time ago that while the light flashing off of puddles was very pretty, it also hurt like hell and was generally very disorientating.
“Lemme grab sunglasses and we can go,” he says.
“Okay,” Logan agrees and Remy darts away.
A walk will be nice. Remy really needs to get out of his head.
There’s someone at the kitchen table.
Remy is not expecting there to be someone at the kitchen table.
“Uh, hey?” he offers.
He gets no response.
The whole gang’s supposed to be at work. No one’s supposed to be home right now.
“Remy?” a quiet voice asks, sounding completely and utterly terrified.
“Hey Virge, yeah it’s me. Mind if I sit?”
Virgil doesn’t respond. But his breathing is even, and he doesn’t seem to be hurt or anything, so Remy lets the worst of the worry leave him. He’s been friends with Virgil for years. He knows how to handle this.
“Okay. Well I’m going to keep making breakfast then,” he says after a moment, and continues into the kitchen. He throws a bagel in the toaster and pulls out what he’s pretty sure is jam. The contents catch in the light, which is a good sign, but Roman and Patton aren’t super great at putting things back in the same spot (though Remy knows they’re both trying) and it’s still a pretty unfamiliar kitchen to Remy.
He gets the jam- and it is jam- on his bagel and let’s Virgil know that he’s going to join him at the table.
He walks over slowly, waiting to see if Virgil gives any indication that he doesn’t want Remy coming near him. But he doesn’t really respond in any way so Remy takes a seat across from him.
“Hey Virgil, not a great day?”
It’s obvious that it isn’t, considering Virgil isn’t at work, but Remy still asks. He’s not really sure where Virgil’s at right now, but the question can’t hurt and should be an easy one for Virgil to answer.
“No,” Virgil confirms.
Remy nods, but he isn’t super happy about how short that answer was.
“I- Do you need help with grounding or anything?”
“No,” Virgil answers, “No I- I know I’m here. I know I’m in the kitchen. I- just- I’m really scared,” he admits.
“Okay,” Remy says, “Do you need or want anything from me?”
“No- I- it’s okay. I’m okay. I know I’m okay.”
“You’re sure?”
Virgil sighs roughly.
“Yeah,” he says, and his voice seems a bit clearer, “Yeah, yeah I’m good. I’m okay. I’m safe.”
“Alright then. Well I’m leaving a bit to meet up with Kai.”
Virgil knows that information, Remy and Kai had planned to meet-up two weeks ago. But, with Virgil where he was at now, Remy thinks the reminder can’t hurt. It’ll give Virgil time for him to be okay with Remy leaving the house.
“You’re leaving the house?”
The fear is obvious in Virgil’s tone, even as Remy knows he’s probably trying to hide it.
“Yeah,” Remy says, “In about an hour. Don’t really know how long we’ll stay.”
Be as specific as possible, Remy remembers. Give Virgil space to respond. Acknowledge his fears, validate. Don’t let those same fears control decision making. Adapt, adjust, but keep moving forward.
“Do you want me to drive you?” Virgil offers. His fingers drum on the table.
“I was planning on taking the bus,” Remy says. He’d spent and hour last night trying to figure out the times online. It had been a frustrating experience, but he thought he’d finally figured it out.
“Oh.”
Remy knows Virgil, so he speaks up once more.
“Do you want to drive me?”
Remy doesn’t know what’s going through Virgil’s head right now. But he’s obviously scared- scared enough he hasn’t gone to work today, hasn’t left the house. It’s because Virgil hasn't left the house, that Remy is surprised Virgil even offers to drive him, but Remy also understands that Virgil probably doesn’t want him somewhere he isn’t positive Remy’s going to be safe at. And right now, Remy doubts there’s many places Virgil’s considering safe.
It had taken a while for Remy not to feel offended. When they were younger, Remy was insistent on being independent even as more and more people took that away from him. When he had first met Virgil, Virgil had seemed to do the same thing, not wanting Remy to be alone, go out by himself, etc. And Remy had hated it.
They fought about a few times before finally talking about it. Remy shared that he felt that Virgil was stealing away his independence instead of letting Remy come to him when or if he needed support. Virgil had apologized and shared that it had nothing to do with Remy, it was Virgil, and it was trauma, and he was working on it but sometimes he just got so scared and had to make sure Remy was safe. He couldn’t let Remy get hurt.
Virgil had worked on those fears, that lingering trauma and Remy had worked on not taking it personally and giving Virgil extra reassurances.
“I-” Virgil attempts, and right, Virgil’s offering to drive him. “I want you to be safe. I don’t want to leave the house.”
“I’m going to be safe,” Remy promises, “Do you want me to give you the address? I can also text you when I get there and when I leave if you want.”
“I-” Virgil hesitates, “Can you?”
“For sure,” Remy confirms, “I’m going to go get ready now. You good?”
“Eh,” Virgil offers, and Remy’s willing to take that.
He slips away to take a shower and then get dressed.
It’s getting dressed that trips him up, and he’s not even sure why. He doesn’t really care if he looks nice or not, he’s just meeting his roommate for the first time. He genuinely doesn’t feel a need or desire to look a certain amount of presentable. It’s more- it’s more his body he thinks. How his clothes look on his body. He’s all sharp edges. He’s tall and thin and rectangular, and his clothes show that. And when Kai sees him, they’re going to think…
Kai’s going to think what?
Kai’s just going to think he’s a guy wearing clothes. That’s literally it. Remy knows that. He doesn’t think that Kai’s going to pass judgement on him for what he’s wearing or not. And they wouldn’t pass judgement on Remy’s body intentionally, Remy knows that. But they- what if they pass judgement on his body unintentionally?
And why does that even matter to Remy? His body’s fine. He’s- he knows it’s fine. He’s fine with it. He likes his body. But Kai’s going to think…
Kai’s going to think he’s a guy.
But that’s right isn’t it?
Remy’s heart pounds in his-their-her-xyr-eir his chest.
He takes a deep breath.
“You’re a guy,” he says out loud to himself. “Kai’s going to see you and they’re going to think you’re a guy, and they’re going to be right.”
Remy pushes everything else to the side, stops worrying about how he looks. (Or more- he starts ignoring the fact that he’s worried about how he looks and what that means) and he moves to leave the house. He wants to talk to Virgil again first, so he doesn’t have time to be worrying about anything so it’s fine.
It’s fine.
He’s fine.
He.
“Virgil?” Remy calls when he’s back in the living room.
“Couch,” Virgil replies, “What’s up?”
“I’m headed out now.”
“I-” Virgil hesitates for just a second, “Okay.”
Remy knows how much strength it takes for Virgil to say that.
“Can I have the address?” he then asks.
“Yeah,” Remy says. He gives it to him, as well as which bus he’s taking, and promises to text him when he gets there and when he heads back.
“Okay, I gotta go,” Remy says eventually.
“Okay. Can-” Virgil cuts himself off. Remy waits. “Can I give you a hug?” Virgil eventually asks.
“Yeah,” Remy says, and then he’s being wrapped up in Virgil’s arms.
Virgil gives really good hugs. They’re firm and securing and loving and nothing like how confining his father’s have always felt. Remy lets himself melt into a moment, before slowly pulling away.
He gets Cha-Cha in her harness, calls out a goodbye, waits for one in response, and is out the door.
Remy arrives there perfectly on time and gets in line because coffee. He quickly texts Virgil to let him know that he's arrived and then texts Kai as well to tell them the same thing.
He’s just had someone show him to a table when a figure leans over him and speaks.
“Remy, right? I’m Kai.”
“Yeah,” he says with a smile, and reaches a hand out. Kai takes it and shakes it before dropping the hand and then sitting at the table.
“This Cha-Cha then?”
“Yeah,” Remy tells them, “You can say hi if you want.”
With permission Kai greats his dog with some cheerful cooing and pets. After a moment they stop and fall into semi-awkward silence.
“So,” Kai drawls.
“So,” Remy responds.
“I’m sorta awful at socializing,” Kai admits with a small laugh.
“That’s okay,” Remy says, “I don’t think I’m much better.
Five minutes later and they’re talking like they’ve known each other for years, initial awkwardness gone.
They talk about their dorm a bit, and Kai brings up their excitement at a gender-inclusive dorming option. Remy agrees with them, a smile on his face. Kai’s excitement is easily explained, the use of changing they/them and he/him pronouns making it clear why they picked it. Remy knows that he himself has to be hard to place. Kai probably assumes he’s just an ally. Which he is (isn’t he?). Remy almost wishes that Kai would ask him why he chose these particular dorms.
Except maybe not, because Remy knows what he’d answer.
He’s a guy. He’s cis. It’s fine.
He’s fine.
He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine.
He. He. He.