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2020-01-20
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giant rabbits cannot be pets

Summary:

“Uh…Lan Zhan, what is that?”

“It’s a rabbit.” Lan Wangji said plainly. “A giant rabbit.”

----

For Wangji Week 2020
Day 1 Prompt - Bunnies

Notes:

This follow the post-canon of the novel (and maybe the donghua, who knows what the future holds), since I am most familiar with them, but it could also be for CQL.

This was written for Wangji Week 2020~
One of the day 1 prompts was bunnies...so you get this oddity that my brain concocted at 3 AM...

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

When Wei Wuxian returned that evening from the night hunt, there was indeed something very off about the Jingshi.

 

For one thing, there was a black fuzzy lump just sitting there next to his husband, ever calm and serene in his sleeping clothes. It looked about the size of a dog but was definitely not a dog.

 

“Uh…Lan Zhan, what is that?”

 

Smoothly in one motion, Lan Wangji picked up the giant lump under its front legs with one arm, letting the animal steady itself on his other arm. He walked over to Wei Wuxian and held the animal so close to Wei Wuxian’s face that he could even feel the fur lightly brushing against his cheek.

 

“It’s a rabbit.” Lan Wangji said plainly. “A giant rabbit.”

 

Wei Wuxian just stared at his husband. After a beat of getting used to the idea of a giant rabbit, his teasing nature automatically took over.  “I thought pets were not allowed in the Cloud Recesses.”

 

“It is not a pet. It followed me back.”

 

Wei Wuxian smirked at his husband. “Lan Er-gege, you are so sly. It may have followed you back, but you could have left it outside. Of course I would not have to worry about you being stolen away by another woman or man, but a rabbit instead!”

 

“No one can replace Wei Ying.” Wei Wuxian could see that Lan Wangji was suppressing the urge to pout outwardly as much as he was inwardly. “It will leave in the morning.”

 

Wei Wuxian laughed. “No no, if Lan Er-gege wants a new bunny friend, I would not deny him that.” His husband was just too cute sometimes. “I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry.” He gave the giant rabbit a little ruffle behind its ears, enjoying the feel of soft velvety fur under his fingertips.

 

“Sooooo…now that I’ve agreed to keep it, are you going to tell me how you actually got this bunny?”

 

Lan Wangji just looked away, but Wei Wuxian could see his ears had turned a tad pink.

 

~~~

 

Indeed, one does not just happen upon a giant rabbit. At least one that was naturally large and not enchanted in some way.

 

But chance upon it Lan Wangji did.

 

He had gone down to Caiyi Town to pick up ingredients for Wei Wuxian’s homecooked dinner, a reward for what was probably a long and tiring trip. It was then he had caught sight of a bamboo cage in front of the butcher’s that was not normally there.

 

“I’ve got a special treat from a far off land! Just came in fresh from the traders! A giant, meaty rabbit—perfect for making one dish of stew and another of sautée meat! It’s so big you can salt it and store it as jerky even!”

 

Lan Wangji’s brow furrowed. He looked down on the cage and locked eyes with the rabbit. It seemed to call to him—Good sir, I am but a poor defenseless bunny, please save me!

 

Next thing he knew, he was back in the Jingshi with a new bunny friend.

 

~~~

 

It did not take long for a third person to discover the giant rabbit.

 

Fortunately for Lan Wangji, it was just his son, the bright Lan Sizhui.

 

Also fortunately for Lan Wangji, it required the discoverer be as observant to small details as his son.

 

It had started to become suspicious when Lan Sizhui noticed that the harvest from the vegetable garden was being depleted far too quickly. At first, it was only a few here or there, and he had thought perhaps some of the wild animals had gotten to it before him. But then it became twice as much as what he fed to Hanguang-Jun’s entire horde of rabbits in a day and he had to start expanding the garden plot if he was to have enough to harvest the next cycle.

 

His second clue he happened upon by luck. He had been on his way to the kitchen to take his emptied bowls and plates after he finished breakfast when he ran into his father.

 

“Hanguang-Jun! Good morning!” he bowed his head lightly, careful not to accidentally dip his hair into the used kitchenware. “Would you like me to take your empty dishes for you? I’m going to the kitchen anyway.”

 

“Mn.” Lan Wangji proceeded to stack his bowls and plates onto Lan Sizhui’s. He said thank you to Lan Sizhui before turning to the Library Pavilion to attend to his work.

 

It was only when washing Lan Sizhui realized there were a total of three sets instead of two. That’s strange, did Senior Wei wake up in time to have breakfast with Hanguang-Jun? Oddly, the plates were also picked completely clean, the rice dented into a crater in the middle, but it had hardly been touched.

 

The last clue was when he went to the kitchen to look for the large ceramic pot for making congee. Lan Jingyi had gotten sick and had asked for Lan Sizhui to make him something that required no effort to eat, as his strength had left him lying in bed, his limbs useless.

 

But the pot could not be found. When he asked the servant, she said she last saw Hanguang-Jun take it. Presumably for cooking something for Wei Wuxian.

 

So off Sizhui went to the Library to ask his father about it.

 

What he did not expect to find was both of his adoptive parents in the Library with a new fuzzy friend. The pot in question was off in a corner of the Jingshi, filled with water. Lan Wangji was focused on writing some scroll, while Wei Wuxian was sitting across from him, with said fuzzy friend in his hands, moving its front paws at his husband as if it were a puppet.

 

“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan! Look at me! I am a poor bunny that needs you to rescue me or I will be captured by the evil Yiling Laozu and eaten for lunch! Woe is me! Woe!”

 

Engrossed in whatever weird play this was, they had not noticed Lan Sizhui come in until he voiced a delicate cough, trying hard not to laugh.

 

Wei Wuxian whipped his head around at the sound, turning with him the front half of his fuzzy friend (ah yes, a new rabbit, that makes sense…wait why is it so large, Sizhui thought). “Ah! A-Yuan! Come say hi to your new brother!”

 

Gently closing the door behind him, he joined his parents at the table and let him fingers touch one of the long floppy ears of his new “brother.”

 

“Senior Wei, are you going to tell me you gave birth to this one too?”

 

“Nope!”

 

“Then, perhaps it grew from the radishes?”

 

“Also nope! This one is Lan Zhan’s, not mine!” he laughed. “You can ask him!”

 

Lan Sizhui looked surprised at his other father. Well, that’s a surprise. He tilted his head in confusion, not entirely expecting an answer from his taciturn father.

 

“It was in some bamboo,” was all Lan Wangji said before Wei Wuxian dissolved into even more laughter and almost crushed Lan Sizhui under the surprising weight of the giant rabbit.

 

~~~

 

“Lan Zhan, did you think of a name for our new child yet.”

 

“Mn. Wei Ying.”

 

“…what.”

 

“That is the name. Wei Ying.”

 

“Lan Zhan, your naming sense is almost as bad as Jiang Cheng’s! You cannot name our child the same thing as me like you did your guqin for yourself. How will I be able to tell apart if you are calling to me or him then?”

 

Lan Wangji paused for a moment, seeming to take in the point. “Then the bunny can be Da-Ying.”

 

Wei Wuxian almost choked on his tea. “Lan Zhan, you might want to rename it.”

 

“Why?”

 

Leaning in close to his husband’s ear, Wei Wuxian softly whispered. “Because when I wreck you, that’s what you call something else you like a lot.”

 

Lan Zhan’s ears immediately exploded into a flaming red, lips settling into a long wobbly frown of embarrassment. He turned his head away and pushed Wei Wuxian back from him a little. “Then we will just call him Tu-Er.”

 

Wei Wuxian chuckled. It was still so easy to tease his dear Lan Zhan after so many years.

 

~~~

 

Jin Ling buzzed with excitement as he quickened his steps to meet with Lan Sizhui. He had just finished attending to a joint Lanling Jin and Gusu Lan night hunt and was looking forward to spending some time with his friend without having to worry about getting murdered by a surprise fierce corpse.

 

Lan Sizhui had told him to come to the back mountain where Hanguang-Jun’s rabbits were kept, around dinner time when there was hardly anyone around. Perfect for some alone time.

 

However, those expectations were crushed when he could hear the laughter of one Wei Wuxian.

 

“Jin Ling! Come on!” He could see the excited wave of Lan Sizhui and quickened his pace once again.

 

What he saw confused him so, so much. There was Lan Sizhui and Wei Wuxian both sitting among a pile of rabbits, with Lan Wangji sitting a little off to the side…supervising what looked like a black rabbit the size of a dog while it sniffed at its smaller compatriots.

 

“Why is there a giant rabbit here?” he finally managed to say.

 

“It’s my new brother!” Lan Sizhui said fondly as he reached over to tie a red ribbon around one ear.

 

“It looks fatter than Fairy.”

 

Wei Wuxian looked insulted. “You take that back! That’s our child you’re talking about!”

 

Jin Ling whistled, a familiar enough call that Wei Wuxian’s eyes started to widen.

 

“Don’t you dare call your beast here!”

 

Too late. Fairy was already running towards them.

 

Wei Wuxian leapt into the air, scattering some of the rabbits gathered around him. “Ahhhhh! Lan Zhan! Save me! Lan Zhan!” He reflexively hid behind his husband.

 

Jin Ling sat down next to the giant rabbit, signaling Fairy to join him. “See? It’s fatter than Fairy.”

 

Wei Wuxian looked indignant from his perch upon Lan Wangji’s shoulder. “What! How can you insult our child? Tu-Er, defend your honor against that beast!”

 

The giant rabbit merely continued to sniff and hop around with its other rabbit friends.

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

Meanwhile, Fairy merely licked a friendly tongue at his new friend’s face.

 

~~~

 

Eventually, it was no longer a secret. There were many whispers around Cloud Recesses about how Hanguang-Jun had a second child. Probably because Wei Wuxian kept talking loudly about what they were doing with this second child all the time. One that no one else had seemed to have ever met. No one had seen either Hanguang-Jun or Wei Wuxian with a newborn so it could not have come from one of them. Was it a secret love child of some sort that had finally come to be recognized by his father?

 

Lan Qiren had finally had enough of the rumormongering and called both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian to settle matters, rage barely suppressed. Lan Xichen joined them to mediate should things get too heated.

 

He did not expect that the two of them would show up with a giant rabbit.

 

“Say hello to your grandnephew!” Wei Wuxian said, lifting one front leg to wave merrily.

 

Lan Qiren just wordlessly buried his face into his hands. Perhaps an occasional “ugggh why” could be heard.

 

Lan Xichen laughed. “So does that make me a bobo again?”

Notes:

The breed of rabbit in this story is the giant continental rabbit. Some people do keep them as pets, and they are sometimes larger than a dog.
LWJ also keeps feeding the bland vegetarian food that WWX doesn't want to the bunny. No point in wasting food since WWX gets special homecooking anyway. (but rabbits can't eat rice, so please don't feed your pets that)

兔 (Tu) 兒 (Er) is literally “rabbit” and “son.” 兒is also used at times as a suffix to one’s son even if it’s not in their name.
伯伯 (bobo) is a father’s older brother.