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[A/N T/W: suicidal idealation]

Concrete. I thought fuzzily, dancing somewhere in between hyperventilation and coherency. Concrete could work.

Staring blearally at the sad stack of objects gracing Bubblegum’s horridly pink comforter, I turned the idea over in my head. On the one hand, it could work… it would maybe hurt, and maybe the execution of it wouldn’t be as smooth as the scenario that my sleep deprived brain was procuring, but there was a chance it would work. Maybe, I thought as I ripped another piece off the dress, I would wake up back home in a hospital. Maybe a medical one, maybe a mental one, but a hospital none the less. Or, I mused running the fabric over the grated metal, maybe I’d wake up as something or someone a little more me friendly? Maybe as Hinata? I always liked her. Although… on the other hand…

I would… I would rather you didn’t kill us Wannabe… Inner muttered in my hissing mind, shifting uneasily.

Tossing the easily ruined piece of cloth beside the Mirror of Doom, Sakura looked back at me blankly. She looked… like hell. Fuck, I looked like hell. Our silky pink locks were less in a ponytail than they were haphazardly wrapped up in a limp piece of string I had no memory of procuring. Our pretty pale skin looked like it was colored in by a toddler. Underneath glossy green eyes were bags, bags under bags under bags, and honestly? For the first time that day (or what could be considered that day seeing as I hadn't actually slept yet) I saw ME in the mirror: 22 years old, sleep deprived, and aware. 

Leave it to me to unprettify someone so goddamned pretty….

"Right…" I hissed, no longer caring who could hear me, "Why waste the goddamn effort?!?"

You see, somewhere in between running away from my teammates like a terminator-esque Jahova's Witness was nipping at my heels, literally tripping over m- her two scrawny little chicken legs with no breath in my lungs and fear running through my veins, and honest to god slamming head-first into Bubblegum's (thankfully empty) home, I came to two realizations:

The first was that I had no idea what was happening anymore. Not in an existential way, mind you (like hell was I gonna touch that hornet's nest, especially not now) but in a logistical sense. More specifically, I was completly lost in a you're-being-tested-tomorrow-you-fucking-idiot kind of sense.

Because today (and yes, it was today, because I was awake and yesterday had somehow turned into today when I wasn't looking) I had a test with Mr. Military. We were to do something, the team and I, and there was something about the thing we were being made to do that had both of my boys (yes, even Mr. Cool) gaping at our sensei like a cold fish out of water. Now, what that was exactly- from the interesting factoid to the actual fucking TASK- could have been literally anything because while Kakashi was giving out the details of said thing, I was too busy staring a concrete slab obsessively creating and revising escape plans and trying really hard to breathe. 

And it wasn't as if I didn't have any sort of clue: I could remember that it was a test and we were to present ourselves in the morning and we were (probably) to present ourselves to training ground seven. Seeing as I was now a willing (willing… what the fuck was wrong with me…?) particapent of the murder child doctrine, I assumed that it would involve something murder child-ish.

So I- panic enthused and so fucking clueless- stumble into the Kitty Chamber to try an prepare for my questionable test (the one set for an undefined time in what I was only slightly sure was a designated place) like any normal person would do if they were trying to gain some semblance of control in thier lives. I scramble to find Bubblegum's militia stash, and you want to know what I find after several hours of searching?

         THIS.

I wanted to throw the kunai in my hands out the window. Like, literally chuck it across the tree that sat beside it, across the sidewalk next to it, and into the window on the other side of the fence because the sound alone would be oh so satisfying. And as much as that action would help me emotionally, I (thanks to one very dead pink-haired fictional character) couldn't afford it. 

        Because. 

        BECAUSE.

After scouring every corner of the Kitty Chamber and uncovering all kinds of horrors imaginable (there was a pair of boxers incased in a decorative box… just… just let that sink in for a second) I came to find out that Bubblegum's militia stash was, in fact, as follows: 10 rusted kunai I was convinced that Bubblegum had only touched once, 3 unopened packs of shuriken I found in the bottom drawer of her dresser by slicing my hand on the packaging, 2 spools of wire I found somewhere on her bookcase that I desperately hoped was shinobi standard, a basic medical kit she somehow managed to order in godamned fuckiNg PINK, and what was in her weapons pouch. And that, thank whatever god that'd take the appreciation, was actually stocked and standardized-

       BUT.

        BUT. 

My hands were shaking uncontrollably. The soft lush powder that caked every corner of Bubblegum's weapons pouch was everywhere. It was on my hands, on my face, on the ripped up pieces of dresses that I unthinkably started using as some sort of cleaning cloth- whether they could be used as that, whether this was right or not, I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know anymore-

It was probably blush. Maybe even eyeshadow? I didn't know anything about make-up. I didn't know anything about anything anymore. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know why I was doing it, I didn't know how I was going to survive on such a small little knife COVereD In POWder- WOUld NOT GET CLEAN-

        My hands… my hands were shaking too much-

       I DIDN'T KNOW-

My head skipped and thudded.

Might've been my chest.

     Wannabe- Wannabe, you need to breathe-

I wanted to laugh.

Wanted to cry.

       Pain through my chest pain through my limbs- tumbling to my fingers- shaking, they're shaking too much- how do I breath again how do I- I can't remember can'tremembercan'tremembercan'tlisten-

Inner was speaking and I couldn't hear her.

I could feel her. Could feel her panic. But I could only hear my throat catching, my chest heaving.

I could only see red.

      There was red, more red more red more red, what did I do what have I DONE -

And then I saw nothing at all.

The shaking of my hands became too much I realized later, as I used Bubblegum's med kit to wrap up more of my hand after pulling my shaking body off the floor. I wasn't a fan of the pink bandages that crossed against my palm, but it was better than red. I had apparently sliced myself again trying to put the cloth covered weapon down.

On my way out to training ground 7 (which I hoped was correct), I had to reassure Inner that I didn't do that often- you know… panic and pass out. I could tell she didn't believe me as I practically collapsed against one of the three logs impaling the ground in front of me, but I was too tired and strung out to try to defend myself further.

It was a rare thing for a panic attack to be so bad that I passed out. It's only ever happened to me twice. 

The first was from Before, when my best friend went to the bathroom after a particularly bad day, and never came back out again. Not alive at least. For the second to be because I realized while walking home that the Naruto world didn't have psychiatrics, and thus, didn't have psychiatric medication, then perhaps I should've revised my earlier thought.

I was lost in every way imaginable.

Chapter Text

Predictably, I lost the battle against my exhaustion within minutes (trees made for a much better aesthetic than the Kitty Chamber I found) and fell asleep against Vlad the Log. It was the one in the middle, and as thus, was intrinsically far more superior than the two standing (impaling) beside it, but it was also not the best place to sleep in. So when I woke up to a mixture of Naruto’s elated yelling and Inner’s borderline squealing, my first thought was, predictably, this: Ow.

Note to self: Vlad is bad.

“Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted from the other end of the field "You’re here!”

Trying to pull myself up without moaning pathetically (my neeeeccckkkk….), I shot my boys a small smile. After such a morning as I had, seeing someone as pretty and sunshiney as Naruto made me feel just slightly better. And if Naruto was followed by a slowly trudging Sasuke, who was for his part looking physically pained in his best attempt at ignoring the bouncing and flouncing orange clad ninja in front of him, well… who's to say that heathens such as myself couldn’t be blessed?

Sasuke-kun! Inner squeaked from my throbbing skull. She had been fluttering back and forth between her worry for me and her indignation all morning (leaning more and more towards the latter the more I ignored her), so I was sorta happy she had something else to focus on. Regardless of my personal preference, of course. Apparently ‘gay’ couldn’t detear the psychotic. 

“Mornin’” I mumbled. I reached behind me to try and discreetly message the back of my cricked neck, but stopped moving as soon as a hollow pain shot down my shoulder. Panic attacks and bad bedmates made for painful mornings, as it would seem. I would have to break it off with Vlad.

I’m sure he’ll be absolutely devastated. Inner drawled, ignoring my gay comment. She was good at that.

The more my boys made their way over to me, the more I could see that today was probably going to be a long day. Not because of Naruto, mind you. Naruto (bless that little man) was just the same as yesterday: happy smile, horrendous orange jumpsuit, and the energy of a thousand men. Predictably, it was Sasuke that made a chill creep up my spine. He was wearing the same clothes as the day before (white shorts, navy top with a rediculious looking collar, arm warmers that I couldn’t fathom the purpose of seeing as Kohona was friggin hot, the holy comfortable sandles of murder children) but his face… was weird.

Taking in his expression as he stopped in front of me (in front of me? Fuck), Naruto shuffled over to my side, I had to fight the conclusion my sleep addled brain gave me: concern.

Shit.

Naruto too, my peripheral vision told me, had gone solemn and worried; he stood hunched over himself a few feet away from Mr. Cool, fidgeting like a bunny tossed in a potato sack. It was the quietest I had ever heard him in Bubblegum's memory.

Double shit.

"Ah… problem…?" I ask slowly, forcibly pushing down the various 'what if' scenarios that suddenly sprung to life in my mind. Inner was, for once, thankfully silent. 

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably, moving his weight from one foot to the other. “Why are you here so early?” He rumbled. It was such a deep voice for someone so young.

I blinked up at him slowly, scrambling my brain for reference. “Early?” I was so sure Kakashi said 'morning' (I had apparently gotten the training ground right, three cheers for me)... 

“We were supposed to be here at 7.” Naruto chimed in, looking at me with an all too familiar expression. I was getting pretty tired of it. Inner's (non)face had been flashing it at me ever since I slammed my head against our front door last… night…?

My train of thought briefly skidded. That was right, right? Last night? Out of team intros by noon, revelations somewhere around noon-thirty… that would've put me at... after...noon? Was there such a thing as a ‘last afternoon’? Was that a word? (Focus Wannabe) Whoops… nevermind. So that, plus the search for murder weapons, coupled by my minor (Minor…? MINOR.) mental break down and the relative position of the sun put me about six… six… forty five?

“I take it it's not seven.” I guessed. 

Sasuke gave me a flat stare. “It’s 5:30”

Ouch.

I winced, rubbing my sandals against the grass. So perhaps I needed to practice more than just the physical aspects of being a shinobi? Wasn't that just an optimistic prospect...

“Oh…” I looked quickly at the ground, then at Naruto, my brain trying desperately to form a thought with the little sleep Vlad offered me. It was a familiar process: I was well accustomed to operating on very little sleep from Before. Although I could've made the argument that the concerned expression everyone around me seemed to be dotting was even more familiar, so it didn't matter that much (sleepless logic was like that) but as it was I was exhausted. So it was only after what was probably a minute of worrying silence that my brain caught up. 

“Then… why are you two here?” I asked.

They shared a look.

My anxiety flared.

They’re not yelling at each other. Inner stated dumbly. Distantly, somewhere between my chest tightening and telling myself to get a grip, I agreed, completely disturbed. Sasuke and Naruto never got along, and to neither Bubblegum's nor my own memory have they actually ever agreed on something.

Civility maybe? I hoped.

Even as I thought it, I knew it wasn't that. That wasn't to say it was something bad (like me tied to a chair subjugated to magical torture kind of bad) but it was clear it wasn't anything good. And as thus, my brain- my lovely, completely idiotic brain- decided I was going to die. 

I honestly hoped my own mental state didn’t affect Inner much. It was one thing to wish retribution on the possibly psychotic voice in your head, it was another to drag some poor unsuspecting bystander through a mental illness they weren't born with. ( Probably not born with, I silently amended. As it stood I had no idea what kind of mumbo jumbo Bubblegum brought to the table.)

“Uh, well…” Naruto squirmed, not looking me in the eye. He looked at anything and everything that wasn't me; his eyes darting to the ground, to Vlad, then to Sasuke and then back. “We just…”

“We wanted to make sure you wouldn’t bail.” Sasuke interrupted harshly, shoving his hands further into his pockets and shifting again. “You ran away from us yesterday.”

I blinked at how direct he was. I could appreciate that in a man.

Cha! SASUKE IS THE BEST!

“Sasuke!” Naruto squawked, shoving him to the side and waving his hands frantically in front of me. The motion was dizzying. “It’s not like that Sakura-chan! I know you’d never bail on us!”

For the sole sake of my health I reached out and forced his hands to stop, not really thinking about the action. Between the waving, the new waves of anxiety rippling through me, and the orange - I was starting to get nauseous. I was pretty sure this didn’t happen in the show. And Naruto, poor, poor, sweet and oblivious Naruto, turned red and started stuttering. 

“B-but you didn’t look so good when we finished team introductions and were acting really weird-” He continued. He looked so scared to offend me, it was almost endearing. Now if only he wasn't inferring worrying future possibilities for me… 

Just what did Kohona do with possible spies, I wondered. I was pretty sure they were the nice village, but regardless of niceness or moral rhetoric they had to have something naughty up their sleeve. Everyone did. And undoubtedly should that situation ever arise, their first question was bound to be the one I had no idea how to answer: Where is Sakura?

“-and you don’t…-” He went on, leaning toward me, his breath heating up my already flushed face. The air around me started to feel too thin, so I gently tried to push him back an inch or two. Off to the side, Sasuke's eyes narrowed. 

Please get out of my personal space. I mentally begged. Inside my mind, Inner wrung her non-existent hands.

Wannabe… are you... going to pass out again?  

I judged the hot and cold waves shuttering over me and the coolness filling my lungs. 

No. This is pretty standard. I replied calmly. In turn she just looked at me with alarm.

As much as I'd like to claim that I was lying to make her feel better, this was what constant anxiety felt like. Tight chests and trembling limbs running around a track engraved with racing thoughts. It wasn't an easy thing to deal with, but I'd had more than enough experience in carrying on my life despite this and no murder child hallucination was going to take that away from me. So slowly, ever so slowly with the determination that could make entire planets bow down, I started my exercises.

In, hold for three, out.

Repeat.

I had long ago promised to never break for anyone, and for neither hell nor high water would I ever allow that to includ myself.

“- look so good now…" Naruto finished. A...are you ok, Sakura-chan?” He asked.

The poor boy was looking at me like he couldn't understand what he was seeing, and it didn't take an expansive imagination to figure out what that was. 

He was seeing me. He was seeing everything Bubblegum had that I didn't, every skill she had that I couldn't pull off.

The normally infuriatingly pretty Bubblegum, prima goddess extraordinaire, did not look good. And I, the chaotic apathetic mess, was the reason why. Her bright green doe eyes had large bags underneath them because of my insomnia. Her silky rose-colored hair was scruffed and thrown into a haphazard bun because I didn’t know how to take care of long hair, despite how much I loved playing with it. Her pretty face was free of make up because I couldn't stomach to look at the stuff after seeing her weapons pouch, much less know how to apply it. Her clothes were whatever I could find in the tortured depths of the Hello Kitty Chamber (today it was those green short thingies and an undershirt, I realized looking down. I guess I didn’t get an actual shirt when I was running away from things I didn’t want to think about) and the hands that held Naruto’s worried ones, the hands that were holding Naruto's, weren’t soft anymore. They were covered in make-up and oil, with the right one in specifically layered in poorly administered pink bandages. Mr. Cool’s scrutinizing gaze hadn't left it since he came to a stop in front of me. Naruto too, I noticed, was extra careful with it, cradling it like you would a baby duck. 

Meeting their eyes, I took a deep breath.

Inner. What do I do?  

You have to tell them something. She said.

I looked between Naruto and Sasuke, coming to the same sad conclusion. Judging by their expressions and the fact that I wasn’t holding Naruto’s hands anymore- he was holding MINE (and just when did that happen?) -I wasn’t going to be able to evade giving them an explanation. What that explanation was, however, I thought as my brain scrambled at the fascinating pace of freezing molasses for something understandable, relatable, and more importantly something that wouldn’t land me in T&I, was beyond me.

Tell them you took up religion. Inner suggested (un)helpfully. I muffled a hiss. Sasuke was starting to glare from his position beside Naruto, and all in all I was becoming completely over this situation.

Religion? I scoffed, avoiding Sasuke's eyes. They were unnaturally focused for a twelve year old, and not at all scary. They were, however, intrinsically aggravating and my first impulse anytime I met them was to take off my shoe and throw it at him. Not a good idea for team building, I guessed. Are you fucking serious?

What?! People change for God!

Fuck God!

Wasn't I just the most eloquent thing ever?

A silence stretched between me and my boys, taunt and tense, the longer my searching went on. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears, in my fingertips, in my toes. My train of thought felt more like a game of hopscotch on meth than anything else. It was a good thing for outside-of-the-box thinking but not so much for believable lies. 

You could always tell them the truth. Inner cut in saucily. I sent her a fake laugh. 

Not a chance.

What? She asked Don't think they'd believe you?

Would you believe me?

Her non-answer was all the answer I got back. 

"Sakura." Sasuke barked, pulling me back into the present and the hole the universe dug for me. I swear that was its hobby: throwing me into ridiculous situations and watching me flail. And oh, how I was flailing so spectacularly at this moment. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it was at that moment, me with no ideas at hand and what was probably my life on the line, predictably, that is exactly when my ADHD decided to make its fabulous re-entrance. 

 Hoo-fucking-ray.

“I’m gay.” I blurted, curling towards the grass. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry at what my life was nowadays. (Provided, of course, I acknowledged Here as my life. I just didn't know anymore.) Inner, however, had no problem isolating an emotion for my wonderous solution. 

Wannabe! Inner shrieked angrily. The volume was physically painful. THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!

I told you I was gay, woman… I grumbled around my ringing ears.

NO YOU DIDN'T- YOU MADE A GAME OUT OF IT!!!

I had to swallow a laugh. She wasn't wrong.

In front of me Naruto flinched back slightly, letting go of my hands and tilting his head in a way that vaguely resembled my own bad habit. I hoped I wasn't rubbing off on him. Beside him, Sasuke blinked repeatedly.

“...Gay?” He echoed. He looked like I gave into my impulse and smacked him in between the eyes. It was a wonderful look on him.

What was our previously tense and worried atmosphere retreated into something more awkward. My anxiety retreated with it, because, predictably, I was a master at awkward.

In for a penny, in for a pound. I thought, tripping over myself to keep the explanation going.

Inner whined in despair. You weren't even British! You've never held a pound in your life!

I ignored her and nodded rapidly, sending an apologetic look to the less sunshiny blond in front of me. “Yes: gay. I am very, very, very gay and I have little crush on Ino so I acted like I liked you,” I said looking at Sasuke, who in turn blanched at me like I told him the secrets of the universe were held in Naruto's underpants “Because it infuriaited her and she looks really hot when she’s angry-”

“What.” Poor, innocent Sasuke looked traumatized. Inner looked even worse. Could non-existent bodies asphyxiate?

“And I was really mean to you," I plowed on looking at Naruto, because if I was going to be committed to this then by goddamnit I was going to be committed, "because I knew you liked me and I knew it wouldn’t work but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and am not very good at dealing with people " And holy hell was that true "so I just went with it thinking that I could apologize later" Lies, but if it worked, it worked "but then I was put on the same team as y’all and I knew I had to fess up and I was nervous so I didn’t sleep" Not a lie. I was so fucking tired "and was really scared you were going to be mad at me and I’m sorry and I promise I’ll shut up now but I’m really, really, really sorry.” 

Naruto sat on the ground, looking so dismal that I think I felt my soul leave my body. Sunshiney people weren't meant to look so blank.

"Gay?" He asked, his voice as blank as his expression. Sasuke looked back and forth between us, his face twisted into something indescribable. 

Stalked by a gay woman. I thought. It must be a hard pill to swallow.

Don't talk to me…. Inner sulked.

I mentally flipped her off. I wasn't talking to her to begin with and it wasn't my fault I was gay. If she wanted to blame anyone, she could blame the universe. And even if I wasn't gay, it also wasn't my fault Mr. Cool was so… him. 

You mean young? Inner seethed snidely.

I didn't respond. I wasn't supposed to be talking to her right now.

"Yeah." I affirmed. "Gay."

I took Naruto's hands again, trying to convey the guilt I felt over Bubblegum's actions. Even if I wasn't the one to hurt him, he still deserved an apology from this body. (I could always have my revenge later. As luck would have it, there were buckets of pink paint in the Kitty Chamber. I found them when I was looking for the militia stash.)

"I'm really sorry I hurt you." I said, smiling ruefully. "I'm just kind of awkward underneath all this fake confidence and didn't know how else to do it. It seems stupid now that I think about it, but smart people are stupid sometimes."

Bubblegum would be smarter by the time I'm through with her. I would guarantee it.

Naruto's eyes widened, his mouth opened into a little 'o'. I turned to Sasuke too, ignoring the indignation rising up in me. Childish as he was, he deserved an apology too… (Bubblegum's punishment would not be swift, I thought. Not for making me do this.) 

"And I'm sorry I sort of… stalked you." I added, hunching further. How humiliating. I wasn't even the one to stalk him! "It was Ino's idea. I can't really say not to her when she flips her hair like she does."

Mr. Cool didn't respond beyond a slow blink.

I might've broken him.

"Hey Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, interrupting wherever that hopscotch of thought might've taken me. I turned back to him, pleased to see some life had bled back into him. Sunshiney people really weren't meant to be so blank.

“Yeah?” I prodded. 

He met my eyes with an uncharacteristic seriousness, putting both me and Sasuke at full attention. “What’s ‘gay’?”

I stared at him, stunned. Behind him, Sasuke gave me a disbelieving look that I totally understood and met with complete sincerity. He couldn't be serious... could he?

“You…" I swallowed. "You don't know?”

All I got was a look of pure innocence. Pure fucking innocence. The grin that slid onto my face might've or might've not made Mr. Cool flinch in primal fear, but I was too gleeful to properly notice or care. 

He doesn't know.

From the depths of my mind, Inner laughed nervously.

Um. Wannabe…

He doesn’t…? The thought was finally taking hold. Ohhhhhh… the possibilities...

Wannabe, he’s innocent-

I might've crackled like a hyena on helium. Maybe.

Oh my god~ He doesn’t know~

Wannabe we WANt him innocent-

Oh I'm sorry, I thought giddily I'm not supposed to be talking to you, am I?

WANNABE!!!!!!!

“Sit down little sunshine, I’ll tell you all about it!”

Sasuke did flinch that time.

Chapter Text

“No way Sakura-chan, you can't do that! Sakura-chan is prettier than Ino, by like a thousand times over!”

“She’s too loud.”

“Ahh… well… she’s a bright flame for sure…”

From the darkest recesses of my mind, Inner paced back and forth like an aggravated hyena- obviously disturbed. 

Wannabe, I love you. I really do. But what the actual fuck?

I hummed amusingy in response, enjoying that for once Inner was out of the loop. The scene I found myself in was undoubtedly a strange one, certainly one she’d never considered possible back in the time where Bubblegum was still Bubblegum: my team and I were huddled against Vlad and the other nameless impaling rejects, curled up like little girls at a slumber party, talking about dating preferences. 

After explaining to both Naruto and Sasuke the wonders of the Gay Agenda (and after what must have been at least half an hour of Sasuke looking at me like one would look at someone who castrated a puppy without anesthetics- which truthfully wasn't my fault in the slightest, to properly educate anyone on The Gay one couldn't be discriminatory, and it really wasn’t my fault he asked how sex between two guys worked. If he didn’t want to know what anal was then he should’ve just left well enough alone. As it was, never before in my life Here had I wished for a camera so badly, their faces were hilarious!) and apologizing again to the blonde for dooming him to unrequited love, we hit it off pretty fast. Or rather, both Naruto and Sasuke were trying to figure out my infatuation with one Ino Yamanaka and poor Naruto just didn’t get the merits of such lovely hair.

Lesbains and straight men- brothers in arms since the dawn of time. I laughed to myself, carefully curling my limbs. I had picked the spot in front of Vlad for obvious reasons, but our escapade still left a mark. I was still sore.

“Sakura-chan should look for someone better.” Naruto continued to argue from his spot to my right. I pretended not to see Mr. Cool give a minuscule nod from behind him for the sake of his aesthetic and pride. No doubt if anyone were ever to ask him about that one time he debated the dateability of one Ino Yamanaka on the ground of Training Ground 7 while waiting for what was now unarguably our habitually late sensei, he would deny said moment's existence with his every last breath. Twelve-year-olds were like that: an insatiable amount of pride clung on to for the weirdest of reasons.

ChA! For real! Listen to the idiot Wannabe. We are not going to date Ino. Inner muttered with a glare. I still wanted to know how she could do that with no eyes (my list of things to investigate was only growing it seemed. Good thing I didn’t sleep.) but I took it in stride. Now that my boys weren’t looking at me so suspiciously, I felt a lot better. Actually… that wasn't all that true. I felt a whole lot better in general, yes, but...

“Ah, well I don’t plan on actually dating her, Naru,” I said, cutting off the blonde's name before the last syllable was formed with a slow drawl. I felt better now. More like myself than before but.... “I just have to admire her.”

Sasuke grunted from my other side. “Don’t you mean her hair?” I could almost laugh. Such a sharp one he was. I didn’t recall what he actually ended up doing in the series (those memories were getting more and more faded, much to my displeasure. Oh how I loathed not having proper information) but I felt the need to aid him in being more, doing more . I wanted to help Naru too, I realized, looking at these two small children with too bright eyes. (My pride for them was starting to climb into maternal territory, something I never got to experience Before. It was almost staggering how strong it was.)

I laughed anyways. “Mmmmm… same, same?”

Naruto groaned, gripping the sides of his head (gripping too tightly, I noticed. I would have to break him of that) as Sasuke 'tsked'.

“Sakura-chan…" he moaned, "that’s not the same thing…”

I only hummed back, fidgeting with the pink bandage on my hand. Oddly enough, neither Mr. Cool or Little Sunshine had asked about it beyond wordless staring. It was possible that they assumed it was part of my ‘existential crisis’ (I had to explain what that meant to Naru earlier, which he was all too happy about. Did no one ever explain things to him?) and thus not very important, but it was weird to not be constantly hounded about any and every injury I sustained. 

Perhaps shinobi don’t have time for that. I thought amusingly, looking out at the training grounds.

My inadequate practical application of determining the sun’s position aside, it was well beyond 7 now. Based on the heat now hovering over our skin I would’ve guessed it was around 11, but, then again, my time guestimations apparently sucked. Regardless: Mr. Military, sensei extraordinaire, was late… again.

“Do you think it'll happen often?” I asked, continuing my train of thought out loud. Both Naruto and Sasuke, who had been what they probably saw as 'subtly' glaring at each other, looked at me with a familiar 'what?' expression, so I expanded. “Sensei being late.”

Sasuke grunted against his unimportant log, no doubt burying a sulk. “Probably.” 

Next to him, Mr. Sunshine pressed his hands to the soles of his folded feet, glaring at nothing in particular. “I wouldn’t put it past him.” He grumbled, obviously not excited by the prospect that was our future team meetings. I too wasn't all that thrilled. I could feel what was probably my ADHD jitter up at the thought of sitting around for hours and hours with nothing to do. Or maybe it was just nerves I was feeling?

I sighed despairingly, looking up at the sky. 

I didn’t… feel like I used to. Before, when it was just me, myself, and I, I had everything down to a science. I knew when I was feeling anxious, I knew when I was feeling hyper, I knew when I was hitting a depressive spell, and I knew when my insomnia was raging outside of my ability to control. My body, my mind , was the one thing I understood the most. Even if no one else understood why I was being the way I was, I did, so I could deal. But now… 

I swallowed back a grimace. Now... I didn’t know what it was doing. The buzzing anxiety that I knew like the back of my hand was ongoing, unforgiving, and completely unrelenting. I felt calm, but if someone were to look at my fidgeting hands they would see that they were shaking just ever so slightly.

 And I really, really didn't like it.

“There has to be something better we can do with ourselves than just sitting here and waiting for him to show up.” I say, trying to dispel whatever thoughts were running about in my head. The more I focused on my nerves, I found, the more they seemed to grow.

Naruto perked up at the possible discussion. “Like what, Sakura-chan?”

On the other side of me, I could see Sasuke shirk away from the two of us, a scoff on his lips. I could feel the condescension from where I was sitting.

Uh, no.

Inner screeched as I struck out my hand, lacing my fingers around the cloth of his collar and dragged him back toward us. 

WANNABE LET HIM GO!!!

Naruto and Sasuke protested too.

“Oi! Sakur-”

“Sakura-chan!”

I ignored all of them with a buddest-like zen, forcibly pinning the too-cool-for-twelve twelve year old back in the position he was. Sasuke tried to struggle against me, but it soon became clear that I was stronger. 

“You’re a part of this team Sasuke,” I said as he clawed at my wrist. Naruto looked nervously back and forth between the two of us, hands half raised in the air like he wanted to help Sasuke, but was too afraid to try (Stronger than the number one rookie, I clinically noted. Strong enough to induce fear.) “You’re a part of the ‘we’.”

He glared at me, grinding his teeth and digging his nails into my skin. (It was bleeding, I noted. Not deep.) “I’m not a part of anything!” He gritted out, continuing to struggle.

My grip still wasn’t budging. Distantly, I wondered what the standard for strength was Here and just how Bubblegum managed to acquire something above it. After all, it sure as hell wasn’t me that brought this to the table. And Bubblegum, I hated to admit, was well below her peers in every other term of physicality. In no way did the girl ever exercise (something we had in common), so it made absolutely no sense that she (or me) could keep The Last Uchiha in place with no effort. (Unconsciously, I added it to the I Shall Investigate This List. That thing was getting long...)

“You have nothing to do with me!” He continued, struggling even more. 

Naruto tensed at my side. “What the hell do you mean by that you bastard?!?” He yelled, balling up his fists and jumping to his feet. (Such a bad word for someone so pure. I was so proud) “Aren’t we on the same team?!”

I watched both of them silently, struck by a memory that was almost faded. This was… like a dog fight. Like when a household that already had pets introduced another pet and they all had to come to terms with each other. Except… you know… with people.

That’s not what this is Wannnabe. Inner hissed, absolutely irate. And you, she continued, turning on Naruto that I dimly noted couldn’t see or hear her just what was she doing, don’t yell at Sasuke-kun!

It could be I thought. Naruto is baring his teeth at him.

And he was. Quite animalistically, I might add. There was a stray thought somewhere about rats and positive and negative reinforcement, but it flew past me before it could properly take hold. (I didn't give it much thought. I could always refind the stupid thing later.)

“We may be on the same team," Sasuke snarled, pressing his foot to my side trying to escape. It wasn’t the most pleasant of feelings, but it still didn’t move me an inch. "But we're not teammates you deadlast!"

Naruto snarled wordlessly.

“Why not?” I asked calmly amongst the growing fury, tilting my head. “If we’re on the same team, then we could be teammates. Defintionally speaking, we already are. Are you scared to have someone close to you?”

It seemed like a logical conclusion to me, given his history.

The foot at my side convulsed, mid pressure. Above us, Naruto’s predatory face froze. They both went stock still, completely mute, slowly turning to me in shock. 

“Scar..?” Sasuke sputtered, breaking the silence first. “I’m not scared! I just don’t want to be stuck with two people so useless!”

Personally, I took no offense to Sasuke's insult. It was hard to take such a thing seriously when I had him leached around my fingers like a dog. But Naruto did not take it so lightly. Whatever calm he had caught onto during his shock had vanished, twisting his sunny demeanor into something border-line demonic as he snarled. 

“USEL-?!”

I cut Naruto off before he could get started. “Why do you see us as useless?” I asked, readjusting my grip on his shirt. It felt like bees were making a nest in my epidermis. Not fun. 

“HOW COULD I NOT?!” He screamed, abandoning his effort to use his foot as leverage and reverting to downright kicking. The jittering feeling that seemed to haunt me wherever I went turned caustic, flushing heat down my center. It was only on impulse that I jerked him up to his feet, pulling him towards me, but it was probably a good thing I did. In that same moment Naruto had given up on talking (so long as you ignored his growl of 'WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY-?!' that didn't sound like it came from a person) and had aimed a rage filled fist at Sasuke, practically smoking at its edges. I artistfully ignored how hard it was to breathe (I assumed this was my life now), ignored Naruto’s odd transition into a little hell hound, and instead pressed on with the hurt little child caught in my grip. (He had all of his family killed, didn't he? Did he ever go to therapy for it?)

“Could you please expand?” I inquired as Naruto hit the ground ( he doesn’t know how to follow-up I noted), keeping my boys out of each other’s reach. Logical questioning often ended up hitting a brick wall when it came to emotional responses, but it was a good tool when trying to get a person to realize they were being emotional. My handling of the procedure wasn't the best, I'll admit, but, hey. I was trying. Sasuke was taller than me so the fist around his collar probably didn’t hinder his breathing any, but I kept an eye on his color anyways. And so far it was red . Very, very red. (I was 95% sure that was from fury). “How, specifically, are we useless?”

Whatever Sasuke responded with didn’t equate to actual words. It was a deep, vibrating sound that only boys seemed to know how to make, drowned in all hatred and no sense. Sneaking a peek at Naruto in the grass, I thought that if that sound had a look, then that was what he was. His skin was taunt and bunched, ready to strike ready to kill , and his eyes, his eyes, I vaguely noted as my bones melted and lungs melted and brain skidded, were red. 

Everything around us was so very, very red.

I knew it was anger. Anger and fear. Naruto was livid at how Sasuke saw us, and Sasuke, little child Sasuke, trying so hard to be so big while being so small- regardless of how many times he tried to convince himself otherwise- was terrified to see us as anything more than expendable ( it was easier that way a little voice whispered we could be gone as quickly as his family was ). 

It couldn’t go on like this.

I wouldn't allow it.

Dropping Sasuke unceremoniously with a motion my brain never truly registered, I dug into my militia pouch with the hand that Sasuke left bleeding and pulled out a kunai (there would be blood spots on my pouch now, would sensei notice?). It was perfectly polished thanks to my freak out the night before, glinting in the not-yet afternoon sun. I held it by it's blade, handle on the other side, and offered it to him gently.

“Ok.” I said with a soft smile. “If that’s how you feel, then fix it.” 

Sasuke looks at the blade, my hand, and then to me, his earlier defensive hate turning to true fear. He was such a lost little one, left all alone with no support and no help, and he doesn’t know what’s happening. And as if just to prove how lost he was himself and provide kerosene to my already building hatred to a people I do not know the names of but I will find out, Naruto is the one that understands first. ( Just what child should understand what I was offering? Something dark in me seethed. I buried away for the time being)

“SAKURA-CHAN NO!” He cries, jumping up to take away my offering. I dance just out of his reach with a grace and a dexterity that Bubblegum shouldn’t have, I shouldn't have and offer the kunia again.

Naruto lands in the grass, sobbing. ( I'm so sorry little one, I will fix it I swear) 

“Wha-?” Sasuke still doesn't understand, so I move closer, holding the metal nearer to him, making steel cover my eyes.

“Fix it.” I repeat, inching a little closer, kunia aloft. 

After what seems like an eternity, it finally clicks. His eyes widen impossibly, his face pales to the point where it rivals Naruto’s- who was crying silently into the grass, I move my ankle so it presses against his arm, hopefully providing some support, some comfort, some reassurance that I have no plans to actually allow Sasuke to end my life that everything is ok - and do not miss how his eyes stray from the weapon in my hand to the damage his own nails had carved to my skin. (It was staining the grass now. Such a pity… Kohona’s grass was so beautifully green.)

“You can’t…” Sasuke swallowed, shaking his head. His knees gave out with a soft 'thud'. “You can’t be serious…”

He looked like he was going to be sick. Naruto did too. I had expected Inner to jump in well before I put my power play into action, yelling at me for traumatizing the already traumatized child and for offering our life away without her consent, but she stayed strangely silent as I watched Sasuke desperately search for the bluff he thought I was making. Slowly but surely, the red bled out and turned to grey.

“I am.” I said, feeling strangely lethargic.

Naruto looked up from the grass, tear stained and so very, very lost and hurt, eyes begging me to reconsider or at the very least explain. I pressed into his arm more firmly. 

It's ok I try to convey.

And I, with the tranquil patience only one who has already died before could produce, waited for Sasuke to understand and to answer. As I suspected (hoped), he didn't take the weapon. He didn't move, didn't dare breathe, but he also didn't surrender. ( So much pride )

“Why?” Is what he asked instead, voice quieter then a leaf in the wind. 

And there it was: his bluff. He was so scared, wasn't he?

“It’s the only way you’re going to get rid of me." I state plainly. "You and Naruto are my teammates now, and as such, you are mine. So I’m going to be with you, I’m going to help you, no matter how useless you may find me or how much you don’t want the assistance. And it is going to be like that,” I say, staring at them both with all the conviction I possessed both Here and Before, daring them to challenge me, daring whatever gods put me here to try and refute me, “until I am killed or you kill me.”

They both stared at my declaration. I could see the fear, the doubt, but also the hope. They had been left alone for far too long.

“But…” Naruto’s broken voice begged from below me, breaking whatever vindictive I had before it could form (I would find that sucker later) “But why? ”

Plopping on the ground next to them both, smiling from around the kunia’s glinting edges as I shoved it into my pouch, I reached over and ruffled his hair.. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” I laugh, pulling my babies into a group hug. Naruto's flinch did not escape me, nor did Sasuke's nonexistent attempt to struggle. Such a smart boy he was. “I love you!”

“I thought you only liked girls.” Sasuke stated more than asked from underneath my neck. He was off-balance, which was understandable, but there wasn’t any red anymore and we all were sitting together like we were before so I called it a win.

“Ah, I do. Both sexually” Narutno meeped from under my arm, “ and romantically. But y’all are family, so that’s fair game!” 

“Sakura-chan …” Naruto breathed, near to tears and completely in awe, as if I was a goddess sent from the heavens solely for him. Sasuke had no such beliefs. 

“You’re nuts.” He grumbled. He also didn't pull away.

“Bastard!”

I laughed at the two of them, enjoying my new family. Precariously put together and questionably sane? It was like coming home after a long day's work.

 “You’ll learn to love it!”

Chapter Text

In hindsight, maybe I wouldn't have made it to be a psychiatrist- even if I hadn’t gotten run over. Because, you see, to be a psychiatrist you gotta go through a lot of school and get a doctorate, and to do that you had to be smart. (And, needless to say, you had to stay alive to make it happen) And, I, in all my glory, not only couldn’t handle the latter requirement for such an act but was also currently royally failing at the former like liberal arts major trying to solve high-end calculus.

Case and point: this had to be, by far, the stupidest idea I’ve ever had in my life.

“Sakura-chan!” Naruto gasped as the thin wire most notably not designed to be used as a lasso tightened around his foot. There honestly wasn’t anything worse in my little bag of tricks that I could've been using to maneuver such a delicate limb around, but it was what I had and good plans didn’t usually come from impulse. (That plan at the moment not being anything beyond get Naru away from that pervert .)

Honestly, I was perfectly ok with letting Naru do his little thing from my hiding spot as I tried to formulate some sort of half-assed plan that would help both him, me, and Sasuke get the two small bells hanging from Mr. Military’s waist. It was a rushed and sloppy process, but I was going off the premise that the test wasn't actually about the bells and more about something cliche like teamwork or patriotism or resolve or some shit like that (and I hoped to god it was because there was no way on this manga’s green earth we would be able to pass otherwise… Naru tried to attack earlier before the test properly began and was pinned by Mr. Military faster than I could track. The difference in strength between the four of us was laughable and as such I suspected winning winning would involve some tear-jerking sacrifice typical of these kinds of stories. As the girl of the group and the weakest of the bunch I was the main contestant. Like, um, no thank you?) so it was doable. Rushed, yes, but doable.

But that all went to hell when Naruto just had to rush in with all of his twelve-year-old I’m-invincible pride.

Honestly.

So here I was, completely out of my league, totally unprepared and arguably suicidal, dashing out of a perfectly good hiding place to use ninja wire as a lasso even though that has to be the last thing it should be used for , all in a impulsive attempt to save my stupidly confident sunshine child from sexual molestation. Ain’t life just grand ?

“Tuck and roll Naru.” I ordered, rolling my weight and studiously ignoring the bleeding of what was once my non-injured hand. Holy hell did that fucking hurt! Ninja wire was dangerously thin and ridiculously strong. It was designed to carry heavy loads and conduct chakra if need be (depending on what elemental nature, Bubblegum's inhuman memory told me, chakra could be caustic so apparently that’s why it was used in so many binding situations) but it was not meant for small bubblegum-like hands. It was like a paper cut on steroids!

Okay… ow. I thought, swinging Naruto towards the ground. Kakashi made no move to grab on to him or the wire (which was weird as shit because he totally could), instead turning his attention to me which Inner and I did not like.

DUCK! Inner warned.

I fell to the ground instantly, letting go of the ninja wire before Naruto had landed, mentally apologizing for the 'jerk' the line gave the moment I did. Over my head I heard the tale-tell ‘whisps’ of shuriken slicing in the air, prominent from Bubblegum’s memory as an academy student.

Throwing knives at a little girl. How rude. I thought, hastily unwrapping the wire from around my hand. The blood made it sticky and slippery and thus the most uncooperative piece of metal string I ever had the misfortune to meet.

Soft clanking noises came from above me informed me that Sasuke had noticed this, and, like the little genius he was, had come to my rescue before I could be impaled by the next round of sharp objects our wondrous sensei sent my way the second I fell.

Doubly rude.

“Deadlast, we were supposed to stay hidden .” Sasuke hissed, dodging the next volly while simultaneously yanking me to my feet. The wire had finally loosened and fell to the ground in a pool of thin metallic sheer and red. All round it were different variations of knives, graciously impaled into the soil. Our sensei had enough weapons to spare it seemed. I would have to ask him later about his dealer (if there was a later).

“Hidden?!” Naruto gripped, pulling himself up and tugging off the wire around his foot. I snuck a glance at the skin around it and was relieved when everything looked healthy and operational. I went for the leg because, while running might've been a bitch and a half, in the event I irreversibly fucked up my not-planned plan, Naru could still use his jutsu (apparently murder child magic only works through the hands and let me tell you how much I had no back up plans for that ) That being said, I really didn't want to cripple the poor kid. “How’re we supposed to get the bells from underneath some bush?!”

Impulsive my brain hissed.

Idiotic Inner seethed.

My hands shook only slightly as I pulled out a kunai to experimentally block yet another row of shuriken thrown at us. The force of them barreled through my arms (sending spikes of pain up and down my hands) but they caught the metal of the kunai beautifully, spinning out in some unknown direction. Bubblegum had once mentally debated whether or not kunai were shaped the way they were for the sole purpose of reflecting shuriken (They weren’t, she found out when she asked the teacher. They were shaped for the best usage. 'Convenience and usefulness, her sensei had said) and I could see why. The fact that I deflected them at all had to be a testimate to some faith of some form.

Before didn't have this kind of stuff.

“Maahhh.. come now," Kakashi mocked from in front of the lake. Naruto and him had danced around its edges far enough so that I couldn't see Vlad and his companions anymore, but not so far that I didn't know where I was. (Which was good, because I was so directionally retarded it wasn't even funny) "He has a point, you know. How were you planning to get the bells hiding in the bush?”

Both Sasuke and I sent him a glare, albeit for different reasons. Sasuke probably had his pride, but I had an excitable sunshine child that did not need any validation for his suicidal techniques, thank you very much.

Sasuke ‘tched’, surveying our opponent and trying to formulate a plan.

I did the same, and truthfully, wasn't getting very far. Such was the woes of the uninformed. Arguably speaking I should've had an edge with my 'other worldly knowledge', but that knowledge was vague to begin with and was only getting vaguer. I mean, even I couldn't come up with a fool proof, off the wall plan with just 'lightning jutsu and daddy issues ’.

Before I could try and wing something anyways, Naruto lost his patience.

“Well, I'm not going to wait around here!" He shouted, throwing his hands into a hand sign I was becoming all too familiar with: the plus. Sasuke and I shared a look. Did he only know one jutsu?

Inner grumbled. Knowing him he forgot there were others he could use.

I swallowed guiltily. Now didn't that line sound familiar?

In a flux of air and smoke, twenty or so Narutos filled the clearing, charging at Kakashi. Absolutely none of them were organized and had any sort of structured plan, but they were in masse and, as thus, so exploitable. Sasuke and I shared another look, and then he charged too, attacking from the flanks with more precision.

I don't have the stamina to charge like them… I thought, watching the disarray carefully. Kakashi dogged and weaved gracefully and expertly, further emphasizing how far ahead he was of us. It took no effort for him at all to catch one of the Naruto's punches and flip him on his side. I'll be more of a help from a distance.

I fumbled in my bag for a kunai, grimacing at the feel of rough burlap on my cuts. If a few tears gathered at the edges of my eyes, then that was only human.  

What I wouldn't give for a gun right now.

Kunai and shuriken were well and all, but they didn't have the accuracy or aiming capability of a gun. Were there any jutsu that did? I put the thought on the back burner before it could sweep me away. Best not get distracted now. 

Naruto's clones had surrounded Kakashi, with Sasuke taking on the position of our middle-range fighter. They chucked punches and kicks where they could get them, covering Kakashi to the point where I felt more than I saw our sensei fly through a series of hand signs, but the shift was undeniable.

"Naruto!" I warned.

"Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu!"

A shiver went up and down my spine as a dragon, a legit motherfucking water dragon made from actual water, burst out from the lack behind them. I wanted to laugh so badly. Before didn't have this shit either. The declarations were ridiculous, but Jesus who could argue with the results? 

"Dodge!" I shouted, jumping back as far as I could. Sasuke did the same. Naruto, predictably, did not.

"Gah!" He gagged as he was thrown back.

That idiot. I really had to teach that kid how to follow up. 

Water spurted everywhere, effectively destroying all of Naruto's clones. It drenched the field, the trees, and ourselves to the very tips of our toes. Maybe this was why we wore sandals, I thought, bounding over to Naruto and pulling him up to his feet. Because of the random elements being thrown at us. Just as Naruto went to thank me, Kakashi started to go through some more hand signs. There were undoubtedly a countless number of jutsu the man could throw at us, but I could only think of one thing: Lightning. Daddy issues and lightning .  

I threw the kunai at his hands, thinking less about aim and thinking more about trying to disrupt his jutsu at all costs. Lightning was one of the elements that needed more control when channeling in order to successfully pull off the jutsu, so maybe it would throw him off enough to give us time to escape. It was, I realized mid throw, yet another impulsive and stupid idea given who we were up against but hey, what the hell? Like hell was I going to be electrocuted today.

Wannabe, pay attention!

In my realization I threw it too hard.

The kunai took off in a swerve, lifting up until it went for his eye- the covered one. Kakashi threw his head to the side with ease merely watching impassively as my kunai 'thunked' into a tree a good ten or twenty feet away. On another note though, he did stop his jutsu.

If it works, it works I guess.

Kakashi turned back to us (no doubt having some sort of sassy comment on the tip of his tongue. Not even thirty minutes into our acquaintance I learned that Kakashi Hatake lived off of a level of sass, spite, and pettiness that was god-tier to one such as I. It was in that instant that I loyally strove to achieve his attitude by the time I finally got to his age, gods and fates be damned) only to find Sasuke appearing in front of him, a circle of fingers over his mouth and a plethora of chakra gathered in his belly.

That's my bright boy!

"Fire style: Phoenix flower jutsu!"

"What?!"

Heat flooded the clearing as a ball of fire spilled out of Sasuke's mouth, aimed at Kakshi's head. Kakashi kept back along with Naruto who was just readying another wave of clones.

"Youch! Watch where you're throwing that you bastard!"

"Naruto, keep on him!" I shouted, running up to his other side on the scorched grass. I pulled out another spool of ninja wire, mentally declaring my hands as unsaveable at this point and kunai as ineffective. It was another half assed plan, but if we let Mr. Military have even a second to breathe then we were done for. 

"You got it Sakura-chan!" He said, making 20 more clones.

Where does all this chakra even COME FROM?!

Kakashi hummed, dodging another strike. He was really dodging. "Don't you think going at me like that is kind of rude?"

Sasuke scoffed, another kunai in hand. (Was I the only one who had a spare amount? Goddamit Bubblegum!) He probably wasn't as invested in the banter as Naruto was (or at least I hoped he wasn't, I could only keep track of one excitable child at a time), but couldn't resist jabbing at our perpetually late sensei. "Say's the pervert."

"...Pervert?"

"Yeah!" Naruto cut in, pointing a finger at him with all the self righteous sass of a six-year-old. I instantly tapped into all my years worth of blending into the background, trying to be as unnoticeable as possible as I inched around to Kakashi's blind side as fast as humanly possible because I knew- I just knew -what my lovely child was going to say next. "You were going to anally rape me!"

Kakashi froze.

Oh, my sweet summer child how I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

"Eh?" Kakashi paused. "Anally what?"

I pounced. I threw all my strength into my legs (because at this point it was the only thing Sakura had going for her and the only thing that didn't hurt like a bitch), closing the distance left in between sensei and I in a heartbeat.

"Wha-?"

My arms went around his waist at the same time Sasuke threw kunai at his feet and Naruto number-whatever dove for the bells.

The shift in energy was the only warning I got before we all fell to the ground in a heap of limbs and wood.

Replacement Jutsu. Of-fucking-course.

"Ungh…"

"Well that didn't work…" Naruto grumbled from my side.

We scrambled to our feet with a groan.

"Of course it didn't work, you dumbass!" Sasuke miffed. "You just jumped in with no plan!"

"Hey! It works for me!"

"Guys! Guys, stop." I said, hands in the air. My hands were bleeding, my body was so sore, and I was pretty sure Kakashi's replacement left splinters in my legs. I was so not in the mood. "What works for some may not work for others. But Naruto, we tried it your way so now it's Sasuke's turn. Now. Sasuke, what do you think we should do?"

Sasuke opened his mouth.

"Doing it on your own is not an option." I cut in. Naruto snickered.

"I don't need your help." Sasuke argued.

"You're getting it anyways."

He glared at me with no effect. "Get lost."

"I'll place myself in the most inconvenient position possible if you try to go off on your own."

"You're so annoying!"

"I'll tackle you in the middle of a jutsu."

"I don't need help!"

"I could tie you up with ninja wire if that's more your speed."

"I don't need you!"

"I'll strip and do the tango if you say 'pretty please'."

"I-" Sasuke blanched. "What? What do you mean strip ?"

I grinned. "Nothing. Just making sure you were actually listening to me before you argued back. Statement still stands."

Naruto started outright laughing, his breath coming in and out in loud 'gwaffs'. "You're never going to win against Sakura-chan, bastard. Might as well give in now!"

I beamed with pride.

Aww… both my boys are so bright!

No, you're just so stubborn that even a complete idiot can see it. 

Did you not like the stripping plan?

Wannabe-

Whatever she or Sasuke were going to say was cut off by a shrill tone ringing across the entire training ground. The alarm.

Sasuke cursed angrily. I frowned. "It's not noon already, is it?"

Naruto looked up at the sky in equal parts mystified and slighted. "It isn't! We still have half an hour!"

That sounds suspicious .

"Doesn't matter anyways." Sasuke spit, stomping on the ground and shoving his hands into his pockets. "We failed. This entire thing was a waste of time!" 

I stopped him before he could stomp away. "Wait Sasuke! We still have half an hour."

"Didn't you hear the bell?!" He hissed, swinging his arms out in an uncharacteristic gesture of emotion. "We failed!"

"No, we didn't." I argued back calmly, unease prickling my neck. "Our test is until, and I quote, 'the alarm clock set for noon'. What if the clock was set to go off twice? What if the first one's a trap?" I proposed.

Sasuke paused at that. Naruto did too.

"You really think so Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked.

"It's a possibility. If you were going to try to lead all three of us in a trap at once…"

"You'd set up an area and throw out some bait." Sasuke finished, eyebrows furrowed. 

"Like the alarm clock." Naruto realized.

I nodded. 

"So what do we do?" Naruto asked. "Do we spring the trap?"

"It's not like we have much of a choice." Sasuke pointed out.

I shook my head. "There's a lot of what-if's we have to consider, and not enough information to go off of, but it's obvious we can't go in normally. So I propose a plan."

Sasuke huffed at me, looking almost like the twelve year old he should be.

Yes! Progress!

"I thought it was my turn." He sulked.

"Do you have something in mind?"

Sasuke concentrated for a second, then grimaced. "We'll go with yours."

I shush Naruto's laugh and tell them my plan. 

"Sakura-chan! That's GENIUS!"

"It's not genius," Sasuke said with a shake of his head, "it's NUTS. Just who thinks of these things?!?"

"Not me!" Naruto cheered with a dopey grin.

"And hopefully not Kakashi." I add in with a lazy wave. "Now stop being dramatic. Can you do it?"

Both boys look at each other and nod. 

"Alright. Let's do this."

I practically storm through the clearing, clutching two stones in my hands. The aura of seething rage radiating off of me was impossible to miss and may or may have not been procured by imagining someone forcibly cutting off all of Ino's hair (Something is seriously wrong with you Inner commented when she saw). Kakashi, who was standing at its center, looked calm as can be, obviously expecting this (that fucking bastard- ).

"Problem?"

"YOU LIAR!! YOU TOLD US NOON!!!" I scream. The action feels so weird and aggressive , but it was something Bubblegum did regularly so it wasn't suspect. Neither was throwing things when angered, so nothing was amiss when I threw both stones at the hopeless man as gently as I could (which was still pretty fucking hard… was Sakura supposed to be like this?), which he dodged as easily as I thought he would. 

"Maa, Sakura-chan. I'm the sensei, you know? I can change the rules if I wa- what?!"

Said stones being, of course, my teammates in a henge. 

Take that you pervert!

He couldn't dodge in time. 

"I GOT THEM!" Naruto shouted in glee, both bells in hand. On his other side Sasuke looked particularly proud of himself, which I allowed given his earlier state. Sure, let him think he did all the work. Why not?

"... the bell went off, you know." Kakashi muttered, slipping into his usual slouch. 

Sasuke sneered imperiously, which I also allowed. If Kakashi didn't want to be sneered at, then maybe he should try being less of a dick to children. (I still hadn't forgiven him for trying to stick his fingers in Naruto's ass. The fucking nerve ) "Not at noon."

Kakashi hummed, looking between the three of us. "So it didn't. Well… I guess I have to pass you… but…" he dragged on, "who gets the bells?" 

Naruto blinked at his hands. Sasuke flinched.

"There's only two bells and three of you guys." Kakashi went on.

I blinked too. Oh. Right. The one without the bell went back to the academy and didn't get lunch, didn't they? (I had to stop myself from laughing hysterically when I found out. I couldn't even tell you why. It just struck me as the funniest thing I've ever heard)

Whoops. Forgot about that tidbit.

"They can have them." I say.

Both Naruto and Sasuke look at me in shock. Kakashi looks like I've confirmed some unnamed suspicion, and Inner glares at me from my mind.

Would it kill you to expand a little before they get the wrong idea? She grumbles, taking in Sasuke's betrayed expression.

"But Sakura-chan!" Naruto cries, "It was your plan! You should pass!"

"It's fine Naru." I assure him with another lazy wave of my hand. "You go on and have the bells."

"But Sakura-"

"You said you wouldn't leave." Sasuke cut in quietly.

Naruto looked ready to cry.

Any day now Wannabe.

I shove Inner into a mental corner and give my boys a soft smile with eyes sharper than steel. "And I won't." I promise "It doesn't matter if the village calls me a shinobi or if sensei gives me the clear. I'm always going to be with you guys."

Sasuke looks unassured.

"You'll be in the academy." He says.

"I'll skip class." I quip.

"We'll be outside of the village."

"I'll follow you."

"That's against the rules."

"I make my own rules."

"It would be considered stalking."

I sneak him a grin and wiggle my eyebrows. "Would it?" I asked innocently.

And Sasuke, Mr. I'm-too-cool-for-twelve himself, starts laughing. "You're nuts ."

I laughed too, forcibly pulling him into a hug. (He doesn't struggle. YES! PROGRESS! ) "Yep. But you love it, right?"

Naruto joins in, throwing his arms around the both of us. "OF COURSE WE DO SAKURA-CHAN!"

From our side, Kakashi clears his throat.

"Maaaa… no need, no need… I guess I can pass you too." Kakashi drawled. 

I peek from beneath Naru's arms suspiciously. "Really?"

"Yeah, yeah. Restraining orders are a bit of a pain and I'd rather not have to fill one out if I don't have to. Congratulations. Team 7 begins their first mission tomorrow!"

Naruto cheers, squeezing us tighter. 

"YES!!!"

"DUMBASS I CAN'T BREATHE!!!"

Outside of my own suffocation, I breathe a sigh of relief. I meant what I said, but I was hoping that I wouldn't have to. Stalking was a lot of work. 

"Oh, and Sakura?" Kakashi motioned after Naruto had settled down and we all spread out to eat.

"Hm?"

"I'll have to assess you on your chakra skills tomorrow, though, since you didn't use any for the test."

I damn near choked.

    My… chakra… skills?

    Chakra.

    MY CHAKRA .

I wanted to scream. Forget a doctorate, how the fucking hell did I manage to do anything being this fucking stupid?! I forgot I could use chakra too!

Chapter Text

Soooo… I thought, bordering somewhere between being so surprised I was sure I was going to quite literally choke on air and being so resigned that if the ground decided to open up at my feet right at this moment I would probably laugh it off and make a home there, I know I'm a little... new... to this body… and my future knowledge is a little vague and all… but… ah… could she…?

No amount of delicacy could smother the ridiculousness toning my thoughts. Inner, too, was painted in air of complete befuddlement, not answering immediately as we both just stared at the doorknob completely crushed in my hand .

Uh, no.  She answered once she had found her voice. That- That would be new.

I stared at the thing blankly, not replying, with only two thoughts occupying my mind. 

First and foremost? I really, really, really hoped Bubblegum's parents were chill people. I didn't know anything about house ownership and the affection that came with it, but one couldn't be too thrilled with their front door being dented and crushed… right? Even if it was their not-daughter? I hadn't come across them yet (Inner said they were merchants or some shit like that so they bounced around a lot and were basically never home. I had to swallow down my irritation at that. Just what was with this world's adults? Did they not know they had a responsibility?) and at this point could only hope they were forgiving people and wouldn't lynch me for destroying their door.

The second but far more overpowering thought which occupied my mind went something like this: What the actual FUCK . 

Unclenching my tiny little child shaped fist, (which, by the way, for the record: wasn't actually clenched. It was wrapped around the knob gently as any normal person does when proceeding to open a door, and therefore had absolutely no business warping the metal like it was made of silly puddy) I stared at the fingered grooves. I just… went to open the door? I got the test thingy over with, had a come-to-jesus meeting with my boys, went home, and turned the knob? That's all I did? What the actual fuck????

Inner laughed nervously. Hah. Uh-Um… well. That's… uh… library?

I slowly blinked at my hands, then to the doorknob, then to the wall beside it. The door was framed in what I assumed to be drywall or something equally as sturdy. A small sliver of thought forming in my head, I lifted my hand with a calculative slowness and I (as gently as I possibly could) flicked the wall.

CRACK 

The small hairline fracture that snaked up the side of the doorway was unmistakable. The finger that did it barely even twinged. Spinning on my heel, I mimicked Inner's earlier laugh and mentally kissed any possibility of sleep goodbye. 

"Library."

Holy. Shit.

From inside my mind, Inner groaned. Wannabe.

I ignored her indignation, taking in the sight before me. It was so… beautiful. The Library of Kohona was an all-access, broad-spectrum library that first came to mind when thinking about figuring out the 'fuck' of the what the fuck. Bubblegum of course had many memories of the place because she was a smart, lonely little child with no friends (again, adults? Hello?? Do the words 'Parental responsibility' ring any bells???) but those memories didn't do the place justice.

I can't believe you let me entertain the thought of suicide this morning. I thought as I stood in the entryway in worshiping awe. The floors were thickly carpeted and meticulously clean, and the entire place smelled like brand new books.

Inner blanched. Excuse you. She sniped haughtily, One: I didn't. If you would remember correctly- I was trying to TALK YOU OUT OF IT. And two: Can we focus please? You're blocking the door.

But. But. You SEE this right?

The Library of Kohona was, simply put, worth every hardship and unconvince I faced since landing Here. The walls went up 20, maybe 30 feet, boxed up in an odd hexagonal shape that I personally didn't get and doubted anyone else did either, but every inch of them- every inch- were filled with books of all shapes, colors, and sizes. From the tippiest top shelf lined with uniform, maroon looking texts that I suspected to be a form of encyclopedia to the bottomest nook docked with short stubby books that could've contained literally anything, there were books everywhere. It was heaven!

I grinned at the receptionist, all but skipping in the main hall. For such a wide corridor it was practically void of life aside from the tired looking lady that gave me a small nod back, that is, unless they were hiding in one of the side isles that intersected it every ten feet or so. Either way I was beyond elated. Books and no people in sight? HELL YES!

You could've used this you know. I thought giddily, thumbing through one of the displays along the broad side of the isle. I selected the first book that I could reach. It was a hard back, newly printed and encased in a baby blue cover that bragged about it being the "most sought after novel in all of the Elemental Nations", most undoubtedly had the author's bio in the plastic sleeve covering the front and back in an inconvenient display of marketing that all new books seemed to bare, and holy fuck I thought I was going to cry. I flipped through the pages, high as a kite. A book! An actual book! I could live through anything now.

Inner sputtered from the back of my mind. Again, I TRIED TO STOP YOU. I'll have you know that your head was an absolute train wreck this morning, and you weren't listening to shit!

There was make-up in her pouch. I defended, not really defending. The book's font was something other than Times New Roman (I highly doubted they had that Here), although it was similar in style. I guess uniformity was a universal concept in book culture.

I'm aware. Now can we please focus? She begged, tacking off at the end a You're crushing the book in your hands, by the way.

Eh?

Looking down with an undignified 'eep', I realized with horror that she was right. The wonderful blue bound novel in my hand was concaving like a ceiling sporting water damage. Was I going to do that to every book I touched?! I instantly returned the poor little thing back to its place in the same fashion one might drop a hot potato: basically throwing it. The isle it connected to rattled underneath the force.

That's… not good. I thought, staring at the wood as it settled.

No, it's not. She griped. The focusing?

Right. Focusing.

Scanning the meticulously labeled isles, I tried to decide just what subject could be helpful in such a bullshit situation. You would think that given the sheer amount of bullshit situations shinobi seem to find themselves in there would be an actual section for it, but no. That would make my life far too easy. Going down them one by one, I tossed the obvious ones out. "History", "Geography", and "Politics" were undoubtedly a no-go. The signs for jutsu were probably not what I needed either…

I scanned the isles in the back. "Medical Texts" sounded promising. 

Shuffling over to the other end of the library, I noted yet again how few people were present. With each intersection I passed I peeked in to see if perhaps they were just quiet, but to my surprise the only one I found was a zombified young adult somewhere in the math section. (My bet was on 'student') I understood that not everyone was a nerd like I was… but didn't "knowledge equal power"? At the very least a murder child doctrine should be interested in power. How come no one was around?

It's always been like that. Inner verified, skimming the smaller sections with me. Even when Sakura visited as a kid. I think it's because most shinobi are more of a "do-er" type of people. You know… the 'watch a jonin do a jutsu and then give it a shot yourself' types.

I entered the Medical section with a frown, noting how big it was. This… might take awhile. Isn't that dangerous? I thought, pulling a book at random. "The Sexual Reproduction of the Modern Shinobi". Hah. Nope. I put it back (while artistfully ignoring how the shelf tipped like a motherfucking see-saw… Jesus… just what was my life right now?).

It's very dangerous, Inner said, but no one really cares. 

Wandering over to the more promising shelf labeled "anatomy", I gaped.

How can no one care ? I demanded. Chakra exhaustion is serious!

And, honest to god, it was . Apparently, even in the world of murder children and socially acceptable magic, the body had limits. According to Bubblegum's academy curriculum, when someone tries to push out more chakra than their body can give or use up all their chakra faster than their body could replenish: it was basically like gifting themselves with a giant, gaping wound that never actually happened. You see, chakra in general was a mixture of mental and physical energy. And people only have so much mental energy to give with no way to instantly change that value. So when you over extend the end result, your body goes into overdrive trying to compensate (That is to say, if C=M+P with chakra being C and M being 2, if you tried to make C equal 10 and P was 3, then chakra exhaustion was you basically killing yourself trying to make P equal 8 even though it probably won't happen). The heart strains, your muscles flood with acids and transmitters they can't keep up with, your body temperature goes out of whack all in hopes of pushing something out that isn't there, and if you enter hivobolimic shock you're pretty much screwed without a chakra transfusion. (Apparently the murder child body didn't care that it was magic being pushed out and not blood… such idiocy…)

Shinobi aren't very good doctors if you couldn't tell. Inner commented.

Unbiddenly, my mind went back to this morning when my hands were painting the green grass a nice little shade of maroon. I had asked Naruto and Sasuke to help me reapply the horrifically pink bandages because they were so sloppy when I did them, but as it turns out, my version of 'sloppy' was the best wrapping skills on the team… which... may or may have not... included Kakashi...

I might've noticed.

Taking in the rows and rows of perfectly aligned books, it was clear no one went over here much. The shelves were lined up so that each row had books of all the exact same height and were pushed towards the back so the spines laid rim-rod flat. If you've ever been to an actual library you'd know that no one ever put the books back so… perfectly. Not even the people paid to do it. I'd bet you anything that if I were to drag my finger across the top of the highest shelf it'd come back covered in dust.

Is it that they don't intrinsically make very good doctors? I asked, thinking that, while the Library of Kahona was all access, its clientele was almost exclusively shinobi. Like, is there a conflict with doctor jutsu and regular jutsu? 

No… I don't think so. Inner replied. It's just that you have to have a lot of control to use medical jutsu, and most shinobi don't have that.

My hand danced across the titles.

How does it work? The medical jutsu thing?

How should I know?

And that, my dear reader, is how I ended up on the floor for hours and hours, criss-cross applesauce, surrounded by medical texts that were oh so interesting but completely irrelevant to my primary bullshitary. There were books on the body, how it worked, how it could be exploited, what kinds of magical what-now could go in it, what kinds of kinds of magical what-how shouldn't go in it and everything in between , but there was absolutely to be found explaining why Bubblegum of all people became a she-hulk. And the longer I flipped through various tomes that I would be SO checking out later , the more worried I got. Looking out the overhead window across from the "Lore" section and into the night sky that had fallen, I fought the urge to bite my lip. It took the noble sacrifices of fourteen books for me just to hold one without breaking it. This strength... I had to do the chakra test with Mr. Military tomorrow, and me and my boys had our mission… how on earth was I gonna hide this? 

Maybe don't? Inner suggested, no doubt beyond tired of staring at long, latin sounding words all night (and how the hell did that work, I wondered. Rome wasn't a thing here!) Sensei might be able to help. 

I snorted, turning the page of the book in my hands with the gentleness akin to holding a butterfly's wings. The book in question was about chakra and its interaction with muscle. Apparently muscle was more fibery and less chemically, so chakra could slice and dice it but not dissolve it. If you wanted to dissolve it you had to shove (and I mean SHOVE) either lightning or fire chakra right where the muscle tendon met the bone. If done correctly, the target body then would go holy shit what the actual fuck is this I didn't make this and try to get rid of it (aka: dissolve) and then fail spectacularly because magic was way more badass than meger bodily enzymes. There were some small technicalities of course: if the target's immune system was shot then you just ended up killing them, if they were already a lighting or fire elemental in the first place then, congrats, you just gave them a small bruise and nothing else, and if your personal chakra wasn't very strong/ potent, then you were a weak ass bitch and, in the exact words of the author who I related to on a spiritual despite never having met them, 'why did you even try'?

Would he though? I wondered. Would he really help us?

Inner paused, thinking it over. Why wouldn't he? He's not the nicest person ever, but he is our sensei.

I grumbled into my hands, running them over my thighs to relieve some tension. He didn't say anything when he saw me this morning. I'm not in a T&I cell, yes, but even I'VE noticed I'm not doing a very good job at being inconspicuous. I mean, you saw me this morning. As a jounin… shouldn't he have caught on? Or at least asked about it?

Inner hummed. Well… yeah… I suppose so…. But isn't that what you wanted? Him to not catch on? It makes it easier for us and it's not like you can explain this.

I grimaced, closing the book. Yes this : being in a little girl's body in murder child world. Oh the joys of being me…

Yeah. I sighed. You're right. It just… worries me. How has he not noticed anything? I wasn't exactly in perfect form today. Or yesterday. Probably won't be for any day… ever… It's just… I mean, I don't know how the student-teacher system is operated here in Kohona, but I'm on a team with Naruto and Sasuke. Sasuke alone should've warranted a background check on me. Sensei had to have had some sort of expectations, right? I mean, regardless of what they were, there's no way I met them. 

Inner sighed too, hanging her non-head with me. There was a headache building between my eyes that I just straight-out ignored. We had enough problems. 

That is… true. She amended with a mumble.

Turning my head towards the ceiling, I allowed myself a moment of self pity. For one moment, I anguished over the lack of answers I had available, the lack of information I had at my fingertips, and for just not having a clue. Oh how I hated feeling lost… 

90 seconds later I sighed, pathetically groaned,  and then ungraciously slammed my book shut and dropped it on the floor. Moment over: time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing actual helpful things.

First one up? Accessing my chakra.

Probably a good idea to give it a go before Mr. Military sees , I thought, settling myself in a meditative stance. Taking a few deep breaths, I closed my eyes and looked inward.

Finding one's chakra actually wasn't as hard as you might think. If you've ever drank an ice-cold glass of water on a hella-hot day, you know the feeling of something being in your body that was different. And that difference, once you notice it, is fucking impossible to ignore. (I noticed it after I almost choked on my food earlier… do you know how hard it is to have a come-to-jesus meeting with two twelve year olds when you have a bucket of ice cold water sitting in your chest?) Once you find that 'difference', to find your chakra core you just close your eyes, relax, and follow the rabbit hole until you get a mental image of what you're looking at.

Bubblegum's memory had her chakra core looking like a kind of small pool-like water thing, rippling and wriggling when touched. My pool, however… uh… haha…. weeeeeellllllllll….

Inner. I whined, taking in the mental image in front of me. I could feel Inner's urge to hit her non-existent head against a wall.

I see it, Wannabe. She deadpanned. 

I swear I didn't touch anything.

I know Wannabe.

It wasn't my fault!

I highly doubt it Wannabe.

Resisting the urge to scream, I found I couldn't argue. The good news? It was still a water-like thing that rippled and wiggled when touched. The news that made me certain the universe hated me? My pool… was less a pool and more like a lake. Not like a big lake, mind you, but more like those little man-made lakes people put in parks. It rippled and swayed and twisted like those blobs in lava lamps, which was good, but it was so not supposed to be that size. Bubblegum's memory had her's at less than half the blue blob displayed before me.

What did I do?! I mentally cried. Experimentally poking at it, I sulked. The blob itself felt cool and crisp, like fresh spring water, and it sunk inward at my nudge: following my every wish and whim like a well trained puppy. The size, however, refused to adjust.

Maybe it's just compensating for your crazy. Inner muttered, poking at it from the other side.

I grumbled, watching it wiggle and giggle.

It is not. I argued. Chakra can't compensate for crazy because 'crazy' isn't… a part…-

My line of thought derailed before I could finish. 'Crazy isn't a part of the equation' is what I wanted to say, but I couldn't get it out properly as something else occured to me. I gaped, horrified as all the possible dots connected. Chakra was a combination of mental and physical energy. C= M+P. And M… was usually a fixed number. And P was the one to compensate. So if the usual values were 2 and 3, C was 5. But if 2 suddenly became 19… almost overnight... 

Inner shook her head numbly, catching on. There's no way .

I ran the numbers in every way I could imagine them. It… it wasn't completely… not possible… right? Mentally speaking, Bubblegum and I were in different ballparks… and I was so sure she wasn't this strong in the show...

Wha- Inner stuttered. You- you broke the doorknob!

It's just a theory! I said hastily, pulling out from my core. It was well beyond dark now and the library was most likely vacant save for me and the receptionist. As such, I allowed every expression I felt fly across my face. My current one? I call it the what the actual fuck face. The WTAF face, if you will.

You couldn't have had that much mental energy stored up! She cried.

I defended. How would I know?!? Before didn't keep track of that stuff!

You were only 22!! 

I was nuts!

And you still are! She declared. Do you know how much differentiation you'd need for our body to pick up this much slack?!? Not only that, but it'd kill us!

I already died!

NOT LIKE THAT YOU IDIOT!

I glared at nothing, reopening the book at my knees to a random page. Well, how am I supposed to know anything about it?! I seethed. It's not like there's a manual for these types of things!! I don't even know where Bubblegum started !

WELL NEITHER DO I!! Inner screamed. It rang in my ears like tornado sirens in the dead of night, startling me into ripping the page in my hands in half and forgetting whenever anger I was building up. 

I blinked, blankly staring at my newest sacrifice. RIP book number 15. I'm sorry Ms. Receptionist. You don't? I asked dumbly. Don't you… like… live there?

I could feel Inner shuffle uncomfortably. Sakura didn't… talk to me like you do. She admitted quietly. She ignored me.

Ignored you? I thought, amazed. HOW?

Hey! Inner whined. I'm not that bad!

I laughed. You aren't, you aren't. But still… I ventured, she never responded? Not once?

I don't think she could hear me. Inner whispered. She didn't see me like you do.

No? But you're so loud .

Wannabe! She cried.

Not sorry. I bantered.

I grinned at the shelf in front of me, sobering after I caught the beginnings of dawn peeking through the overhead frames. Looking down and taking in the ripped pages in my hands and the sheer lack of answers I had found, I had to smother a wave of self pity. It was such a depressing picture: me and Inner, a ripped book, yet another night with no sleep, and a long list of questions with no real answers.

What time is our mission tomo- today? I asked tiredly.

Seven.

I peeked at the large analog clock decorating the arch over the entrance reading "5:15" and then over to the other rows of books that had gotten no love. We needed something fun, I decided. 

Summoning or genjutsu? I asked.

… You're asking me?

Inner. I sighed. Come on now. We're supposed to be the smart ones. Just who else would I be asking?

Inner looked at me suspiciously. Are you... adopting me?

Just pick a subject woman.

You're actually adopting a voice in your head?

I'll give sensei a lap dance tomorrow. I promised threateningly. Do not test me.

Genjutsu! Genjutsu! I PICK GENJUTSU!

Chapter Text

By the time I finally managed to gather enough self control to actually exit the most beautiful place I'd ever seen in my life, it was time for our mission and I was only marginally less clueless about the she-hulk thing then when I went in. There were theories, yes, but only theories. It seemed that my problem was rare enough that whatever it was wasn't common knowledge. That, or I had the wrong section and would just have to go back again later with hopefully less destructive tendencies.

At least you didn't break the library's door. Inner commented cheerily. She was in a considerably better mood than before, which was nice, but I had reservations about exactly what had her so happy.

After several hours of combing through book after book with no answers in sight, Inner and I both collectively agreed for the sake of our sanity and our sleep to scrap the whole "why" part of the equation and just run with what was now our she-hulk life. Since I absolutely refused to live a life where I couldn't hold a book without tearing it to itty bitty pieces, we began on the "what now" portion instead- also known as Project: Can We not Break Shit Please?. Under the assumption that this was a chakra issue, (because, honestly, if it was anything else but a chakra issue I had no fucking idea what I was gonna do) we went into the 'chakra control' portion of the library and got started on the excersises listed in what I assumed to be a beginner's book. And Inner, my lovely, inescapable psychotic voice, had been high as a kite ever since.

Of course I am! She sang with glee. It was in an ugly falsetto and completely off rhythm to the sound of my footsteps (which I somehow knew she was trying to achieve), but it was bathed in so much pride I was sure it could've echoed across the entire street we were crossing had she had a voice. We were only a few feet from the training ground now. That chakra exercise should've taken a few hours but we did it in MINUTES!

Inner apparently had a hidden superiority kink.

Hours? I asked lazily, entering a suspiciously intact training ground and sending my already present boys a wave. It was just a leaf.

Stuck to our forehead with chakra . Inner corrected importantly. While standing up .

Ah. Yes. How could I forget?

I had almost questioned my ability to operate on no sleep when I first saw what the book described, but after flipping through the other both equally ridiculous and equally odd exercises recommended for after one walked around with leaves stuck to various parts of their person, I just accepted that Here was a weird place and maybe- just maybe- I should sleep tonight. And then, of course, completed the exercise.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto cheered. "You're here!"

He was perched next to an irate Sasuke, eagerly waving back at me from the vicinity of Vlad the log like a puppy greeting its owner.

"Shut it, dumbass. We were told to meet up here." Sasuke muttered into his palm, sending me a begrudging nod. I had started equating him to a cat: huffy and puffy that you dared intrude on his space, but surprisingly clingy when you tried to leave. It was illegally cute.

Taking note of the clearing as I went to lay against a tree propped at the edge of Vlad's less important sibling, I couldn't help but notice something important. 

"Sensei's not here?" I sighed with more of a statement than an actual question. We saw this coming, but it was still aggravating to experience in its actualization.

Sasuke and Naruto quietly grumbled, agreeing with the thought. "No…"

"I don't suppose either of you know how long he'll be?"

The sulking silence that followed was all the answer I needed. I huffed, sitting upright and doing my best to ignore my annoyance. Well, alrighty then: sensei was an irresponsible, habitually late person that was somehow in charge of our wellbeing while we were indoctrinated into a politically polite military state, but had no actual plans to help us be indoctrinated, only just to present us to the nearest authority and hope we don't die. Fucking wonderful. Jesus. Now what?

I mulled it over, playing with the grass at my feet. "Well…" I drew out slowly, "I guess we never did figure out what to do while sensie's off doing whatever it is he does the last time we talked."

My boys perked up.

"Let's train!" Naruto exclaimed, throwing a fist in the air with a bright grin. Sasuke dodged the flying appendage with a slight hiss (It was completely unfair how cute he was, I thought with a sigh. Perhaps I should swap his nickname from Mr. Cool to Mr. Kitty?) but looked almost slightly pleased by the suggestion. I agreed with an affirmative hum.

"How should we train?" I asked, thinking about the mission we had once the adult finally fucking showed up. "We can't be too excessive."

"Let's spar!" Naruto suggested.

I shrunk, a brief flashback of my unfortunate door knob flashing across my eyes. I couldn't conjure up the memory Bubblegum had of her parents buying it. What metal was that made out of again? Was it stronger than human bones? "Uuuuhhhh…"

"Dumbass." Sasuke broke in with his all important sneer. It was almost envy inducing how much pride a twelve year old could have. Just when did I lose that again, I wondered. What age? "You wouldn't be able to keep up."

"Hey! What do you mean by that?!" Naruto scowled, leaning to get in Sasuke's face.

I hummed from my pile of ripped up blades of grass (It was a compulsion. Sue me.), arbitrarily amused. They looked like a cat and a dog squabbling. "Mmm… same goes for me." I commented, not denying Sasuke's claim. Pride aside, he wasn't wrong . Sasuke had the greatest overall combat ability out of the three of us. "I probably wouldn't be able to if we tried… my physical condition is atrocious."

"Don't you ever train?" Sasuke snidded, subtly leaning further away from Naruto. Naruto didn't notice. 

"I do," I said, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. It was still in its poor excuse for a pony tail. "But more in a 'work-smarter-not-harder' kind of way. Last night it was chakra control exercises. Did you know if you have enough control you can mold chakra into a tangible weapon?"

"Really?" Sasuke asked, interested.

"Yeah." I said with a nod. After my time in the library I learned there were oodles and oodles of things one could do with chakra with enough control, many of them taking space on my Things to Investigate list. "I'm working to be able to do that one day."

"Whoa! Sounds cool!" Naruto fawned, gently hopping up and down in his seat. Sasuke looked still looked sceptical, the little asshole. "But... what's ca-kra?"

Eh?

My hand froze at the base of my neck. Together in a frightening display of unison, Sasuke and I stared at him, trying to judge if he was serious. He… was. Sasuke balked at the little orange man at the same time Inner and I mentally groaned. 

Your dog is a dumbass. Inner muttered, non-hands in her non-face.

Person , I corrected.

Same difference.

"How… the hell did you even pass dumbass?" Sasuke demanded, looking at Naruto like he was an evolved form of worm. 

Naruto bristled, defensive. "Hey! Iruka-sensei passed me fair and square!"

" Alright ," I cut in with a wave, stopping the impending argument before it could form. I had a sinking suspicion that this would become a large part of my life. "Alright. Let's dial down the theatrics, boys. Naruto's not an academic and probably won't ever be so there's no need to yell at each other."

"But Sakura-chan!" Naruto whined. 

Sasuke grunted into the palm of his hand, obviously declaring arguing further as a waste of his time. "It's ridiculous."

"But fixable." I interjected as soon as Naruto went to say something back. "Not everyone can be a genius like a certain grump I could mention."

Sasuke glared at me and grass twisted in my fingers. "... Grump?"

Naruto laughed at his obliviousness, settling back. "She's talking about you , bastard. Isn't it obvious?" Sasuke didn't reply so much as try to burn holes into his forehead, which only made Naruto laugh harder. "You really need to work on your people skills."

Sasuke sniffed, turning away. "I don't need them."

"You just say that because you're bad at them." Naruto jeered.

Turning my attention back to my growing botanical burial ground, I hummed. "Well… there's a thought." I said, scooping the small green pieces into a neat mound as compulsion dictates. 

"What?" They asked in unison. 

"Well… the things that we're bad at? We could work with each other on those. I could help Naru with academics, Naru could help Sasuke with his people skills, and Sasuke could help me with my physical condition." I elaborated, folding my legs in a diamond shape around my new creation. It looked great, but it needed a stick or something in the middle. For aesthetic. 

"My people skills are fine." Sasuke muttered, crossing his arms.

Naruto looked at him like he was nuts. "No they're not!" He said. "Just yesterday you made that girl cry!"

I blinked, looking up from my search. "You made a girl cry?"

Mr. Cool had the decency to blush, turning his face to the side. "It's not my fault!" He argued, oddly defensive. "If she didn't want me to say anything then she shouldn't have spoken to the dumbass like that!"

I blinked once more, hand hovering over the perfect size twig, startled. "What?"

"But that happens all the time, Bastard!" Naruto defended cilverously. My head bounced back and forth between the two of them completely lost. "You didn't have to make her cry!"

"Wait." I abandoned my creation with a sweep of my calf, hands half in the air.

"She called you 'it'!" Sasuke hissed.

"Wait, what? "

"It happens!" Naruto brushed off. "It's no big deal!"

"OO KAY " I shouted before Sasuke could reply, springing to my feet in a shower of green and physically inserting myself in between them. "Full story boys. Right now. Start to finish. What's this about calling you an 'it'?"

I looked back and forth between them, struggling to contain my expression. The way both Naruto and Sasuke looked at the ground guilty sounded alarm bells in my brain, and my maternal side rose up with a righteous fury. 

"It's not a big deal…" Naruto tried.

I looked down at him blankly, eyes dead.

Inner skirted to the furthest corner of my mind, shivering. Has it always been this murderous in here? She asked no one in particular. I ignored her in favor of the children at my feet. 

" Explain. "

Sasuke gulped in what could be objectively considered fear. "Dumb- Ah, Naruto" he corrected as my eyes strained on him, "followed me home yesterday-"

"I did not!" Naruto objected, flinching when I turned on him. "We... live in the same direction…" I watched him trail off in fear and turned back to Sasuke with a 'go on' motion.

"Well…" Sasuke treaded lightly, "he dragged me into that shit store by the herbal apothecary -"

"I didn't drag you!" Naruto squawked from behind me. "And they have a good ramen selection!"

"-and the ugly burnett at the countertop-"

"Her name is Yuki!" He yipped. "And she's not ugly!"

"-told him to get lost since 'it didn't belong there'-"

The hand at my side twitched, something both icy and burning racing through me. I carved the name Yuki into my memory. It? She referred to Naru as an it? 

"It- it's not a big deal…"

Sasuke sent a sharp look around me and continued. "So I asked her on what grounds she belonged there-"

"And he kept pressing her until she cried!" Naruto picked up, practically glowing in her perceived injustice. "Sakura-chan, you should've seen it, he was so mean!"

I looked at them in turn, blankly, and in a very calculated gentleness that I really didn't want to uphold, I backed away from them, hand resting on the tree I sat against just minutes before.

Calm thoughts. Calm thoughts. Calm thoughts.

"Naru." I asked, forcing my tone to be pleasant. Based on how both Naruto and Sasuke inched away from me in the same way a rabbit would inch away from a wolf, I wasn't sure I was successful. Inner laughed nervously from her corner. "Is this girl working today? Do you know?"

"... why?"

"I just want to talk to her."

Naruto averted my eyes, face pale.

"What?"

".... when you say it... with such a face…" he muttered, trembling.

"I'll keep my hands to myself." I promised.

Sasuke scoffed quietly at the ground, looking no less terrified. Inner started rocking back and forth.

It's… getting a little hard to breathe in here…

You don't breathe.

"You don't have to do that Sakura-chan." Naruto attempted to placate nervously. "It's no big deal."

"Treating a human as an object is a big deal, Naruto." I replied robotically. Fury, livid, burning, maternal fury, was making my voice shake to the point I couldn't recognize the sounds I was making. It sounded deeper than I was capable of.

"It… doesn't matter…"

"She's not the only one." Sasuke cut in the second my mouth opened. It was a good thing, too, since I wasn't sure I was calm enough to speak. Some cannon-fodder bitch referred to my child as 'it' and it didn't matter? "The whole first district calls him it behind his back."

My response was inhuman in its blankness. "Come again."

My anger was turning into something dark and ugly. It was a creature of pure malience and detached intellectual rage, hissing a screaming how easy it would be to make someone disappear in a world where death is a constant friend, how close our target was if I would just turn my working fists against the girl and not the air curled around my palm, and how dare they- I wanted nothing more than to hit the tree behind me. I wanted to rip it from its roots and use it as the perfect aesthetic for Yuki's torso. I wanted her gone .

"E-eh? That's not-"

"They call him a monster." Sasuke stated, watching me as if he was seeing me for the first time. "A demon."

I blanked, a familiar feeling crawling up from my bones. Hollow. Empty. Far far away from my incinerated body and shaking limbs.

Inner.

She flinched.

Y-yeah?

I forgot something.

Hah… Di- did you? Inner commented, curling as far away from me as my mind would allow. 

… Inner.

"Sakura-chan?" Naruto prodded nervously. 

I felt like I was digging a hole in a field of nothing. Searching for a space of air in a cloud of mist.

INNER. 

Inner locked her non-lips. Was it… perhaps... the plot?

… plot?

Yeah. She shook, It's- it's right here next to me with the lists…? You know… the People to Make Suffer list, the Things to Investigate list, and Fix it Later list… the ones you made, remember…? See? 'Naruto has the Nine Tailed fox in hi- HOLY SHIT!

My control snapped.

Visions, hundreds of visions of a life I no longer could have staring scene after scene of a life that wasn't mine- wasn't supposed to be mine- with a girl in love and a boy in pain and another boy holding the world on his shoulders cascaded practically collided with the forefront of my mind. The boy. The fox. The hate.

The bridge. The exams. The war.

The insects crawling around the woodwork. 

The prophecy.

The coup- oh god the COUP-

My body moved reflexively, lashing out at the nearest target, throwing all my fear and fury and everything I wanted out of me- get out of me get OuT of me- into a physical form for some hope of peace. My fist connected the tree with no resistance, concaving it inward and throwing it backward, raining splinters and bark and green as it took out everything behind it, striking down a sizable portion of plant life in a domino effect I could only hope didn't include human life.

"Wha-?!"

"What the-?!

Inner sighed at me, noting from her corner the numerous splinters of wood now stuck in my aching fist and the shell shocked teammates looking at me in something that wasn't quite fear but something close. Wannabe. Weren't we trying to hide this?

I peeked at the undeniable destruction behind me, feeling calmer and more centered.

"Oh. Oops."

Chapter Text

"-So in conclusion," I ended, trying very hard not to look at my boys or the throughly unnerved militia man that of fucking course had to make his fabulous entrance- his grandeous appearance after already being over half an hour late- the very moment I destroyed six fucking trees with the swing of one fist, "I, too, am going 'what the fuck' and don't have the slightest idea as to why that happens."

As I speak I wave a hand to 'that', as if the vague circular motion could somehow explain why what were previously six strong oak trees the size of buildings were now masquerading as firewood (to which, understandably, both my boys and Sensei said nothing- instead opting for looking at me like I told them I was reincarnated from another world where there was no such thing as chakra (insane, right?) or gaping at the mess I just made. All and all, I understood the feeling.)

Somewhere from her corner, Inner groaned at my commentary. She hadn't moved from her sanctuary, even after I'd calmed down, so the action felt almost far away. 'I woke up like this'? Really? You couldn't have put a little more effort into that explanation?

Just what else am I supposed to say? I demanded, rocking on the heels of my feet and smiling apologetically at Naruto who, for his part, was still shaking slightly. I ate a devil fruit? 

Inner glowered in response. We don't HAVE those. She hissed.

"And it started two days ago?" Sensei asked, tone severe and eyes focused. Suddenly, sensei appeared to be very invested in my well being and for a moment he almost felt like an actual responsible adult. Having such focus on me… I decided, instantly, on the spot, not to worry about it. Because not only did I not have the mental capacity to worry about his sudden attention on my person, I didn't have the time. Because- fuck me sideways, can you actually believe this shit- the anime that was now my life had a plot . An actual fucking plot. A plot, mind you, that I was not only trying to somehow scramble my existence somewhere therein, but was also a complete bitch to both me and my boys the entire way. Because really? Between the war, the pedophile snake man, and the doppelganger carrot top, it was just ridiculous . I mean… I had, what, a month until the big sword guy? Maybe more? Such nonsense came far far far above a lazy pervert that finally decided to pay attention to his charges. ( Death threats and destruction I noted silently. That's all that's gotten his attention so far .) 

Inner gently nudged my attention back into existence before it could run away too far. Sensei's still waiting for an answer. She muttered.

I pulled myself out of my half baked contingency plans with a slight sulk. There was so much to do.

"Ahh… I think so…?" I hummed, pointedly not looking anywhere near my mess and keeping my hands in sight. I tried looking at my boys instead, but their worried faces made my chest ache so I turned my attention to the blank space to the right of Kakashi's hair flip. (I tucked away the questionable physics that struck me immediately after. I didn't have time for that either, but it's worth mentioning that the way his hair flopped over shouldn't be possible given its mass. Like, what the fuck?)

"I only properly noticed after I crushed my doorknob yesterday evening," I explained, making a squeezing motion with my fist. I wasn't sure how to feel about the way Sasuke gulped as I did it. It wasn't like I was scary or anything… right? "It rumpled. Like clay."

An uncomfortable shutter went through the three of them. I would've been lying if I said it didn't hurt.

You're a tiny girl with she-hulk strength, Inner comforted. They'll adjust.

If you say so...

"You couldn't do that before?" Naruto asked, eyeing my fingers like they were liable to explode. It still stung, but I was objective enough to acknowledge that was, unfortunately, fair. I did just implode a tree after all… and human bones were surprisingly fragile. But even so, I didn't like the fear in his eyes. I didn't like his so very blue eyes looking at me, any part of me, like I was something dangerous. He was my child. It wasn't like I was going to hurt him. Sasuke, too, looked weary. 

Turning the feeling spreading around my throat over in my head, I assigned it the word "guilt". It wasn't the proper word, mind you, but it was close enough. After a moment's indecision I reached over and smoothed my hand over Naruto's hair, swallowing several feelings that rose up when he flinched. 

Like a dog I reminded myself, running my hand over it a few more times, enjoying how soft it was. It was like retriever's fur. The long haired type. With each pass Naruto relaxed just a fraction more. Slow and steady like meeting a frightened puppy. Don't take offense. 

"Not to that extent." I replied, looking over and beckoning Sasuke to us with my other hand. I wanted to pet him too. He gave me a disdainful look in response- such a prideful little boy- but moved to my other side, outside of arm's reach. It wasn't what I wanted, but hey: beggars can't be choosers. "I've broken things when I was angry, though."

In front of us Sensie hummed, hands stuffed into his pockets and obviously turning courses of action over in his head. The sun behind him had risen significantly, and if my sun clocking skills had improved any since yesterday then our mission was due to begin soon. 

"Huh. Well... this does warrant some investigation," he dragged out slowly, scratching the back of his head (another physics question had to be squashed- fuck me and my ADHD brain), "but since it's not hurting anyone right now… I guess we'll just leave it."

My hand paused, mid stroke.

"Leave it?" I asked disbelievingly with a long, slow blink. Sasuke, Naruto, and I sent each other telling looks around Kakashi's slumped stature, baring a silent exchange that went something like:

He can't be serious.

Not hurting anyone? Is he blind?

Welp. I'm screwed.

Sasuke's face pinched further.

Ignorant to our unspoken conversation (or just uncaring, it could be either at this point), Sensei flashed us a smile (or what I assumed to be a smile. As it was, the mask wasn't making my life any easier. Why did he wear that thing anyways? Wasn't he aware Kohona was hot?) and pressed onwards. "Time for our mission." He declared, turning on his heel and stalking off before we could even attempt to argue. His legs were long and, as thus, his stalk was fast.

Staring at his back then back at me, Naruto bit his bottom lip in worry. "Is it really ok, Sakura-chan?"

Taking in Sasuke's similar expression, I ran my hand through my hair with a tired sigh. To be truly honest, 'just leaving it' sounded like a horrible idea somewhere on par with that one time my brother decided to jump off the roof Before. But with Kakashi moving onwards and us effectively having no say in the matter, it wasn't like we had much of a choice. It's not as if I had any better solution. But Naruto was worried so I did my best to ease his concern, even if every word was a lie.

"Ah, not really love," I say, words thick on my tongue. I was a good liar, a great one even, but I've never liked being one. I'd much prefer both giving and receiving hard truths over pretty lies. I had to remind myself Naruto is young and still sweet to get it out properly, but it still tasted bitter. "But it will be in time. I'm getting better at keeping it under wraps with each passing hour, you know."

Sasuke, my wonderful little genius, catches on immediately and his eyes light up in understanding. "The chakra control exercises."

I nodded, trailing behind Sensei with a confidence I didn't feel. My boys stayed at my side, both curious and concerned. "Yeah. Since it seems to have something to do with chakra, that's what I've been doing. I've gotten pretty good, but it's still a work in progress."

Sasuke nodded in understanding. Naruto looked less assured.

"But still… Sakura-chan, don't you worry? What if something's wrong? What if you break something you're not supposed to? What if you can't control it?" Naruto asked.

As we made our way to follow our more-worrying-by-the-second adult, my mind flashed to the giant fox that I somehow forgot existed: full of hate, locked in a box with a questionably short leash, and under the security of a young and sweet twelve year old boy. 

Bijou have a terrifying amount of chakra at their disposal. Inner said softly. It must be scary for him.

I could only agree. Bubblegum's knowledge of the fox was limited due to the fact that she wasn't the type to investigate anything, instead just listening and memorizing, but the information she did give me had me likening Naruto's burden to someone attempting to hold a hurricane in a glass jar: destructive, overpowered, and precariously withheld. It had to be terrifying. 

"Then…" I trailed off, fishing for the words. I was never good at this whole comforting thing. "I will do what I can… and always strive to do better."

"It's not scary?" Sasuke asked unexpectedly from my left before Naruto could respond. He struck me as young: looking for assurance amongst the backdrop of collapsed foliage. I tried not to think too hard on his situation and the acts of the village I was now currently in service of. I would need at least 12 hours of sleep before I jumped that particular hurdle, and I could only worry about so many things at a time. 

"It is." I admitted, thinking of how that tree could've just as easily been Naruto or Sasuke or Ino or some random person that didn't sign up to pay the price for my lack of control, "but…" 

I sighed again, redoing my hair out of habit. I thought of the test and how it made me shake and panic to the point of slicing my hand. I thought of the headband wrapped around my neck and how the very implications of it was enough to freeze me with fear. I thought about the future held in store for us and the two little boys at my side, how much it scared me- and holy shit did it scare me , I was so SCARED- and what could happen if I ignored it and what could happen if I didn't.

"If I let that stop me…" I continued, gazing up at the open sky, "nothing would ever get done."

I didn't have time to be scared, I decided.

There was so much to do.

So in regards to our mission, I found out there was good news, bad news, worse news and news that made me think that maybe- just maybe - there was a kind god out there somewhere that I really needed to start worshiping.

You see, the good news was that our mission was simple, uncomplicated, and required little to no intellectual effort. As someone who hadn't slept for two days, I was so down for that.

The bad news? Said mission was to paint a really, really, really long fence (think miles ) an off-white color at the request of one very grumpy and outspoken old man who thought that the state of the Elemental Nations was deteriorating at a rapid speed and we children were to blame. 

The worse news was that Mr. Invested became Mr. Invisible the moment our mission began, and it somehow became my job to both keep my understandably disgruntled boys on task and keep them away from each other's throats while simultaneously keeping the old man's nephew at a polite arms length (like, yes, I know Bubblegum is irresistible but no thank you) and my own temper in check.

But.

But.

But .

It was ok, you see, because God was watching over me. 

Because.

Because.

BECAUSE.

Take three guesses as to who the old man's niece was.

Hands to yourself Wannabe.

No promises.

Chapter Text

[Author's note: As I'm sure you might decern from the comments, this chapter isn't for everyone. Truthfully, I got so excited writing gay panic that I 100% forgot about the age diffrence. And the implications. And yeah: my word choice got spicy. I'm still trying to figure out how to fix it 🙃. Please skip if your health demands it. I completely understand.

As an apology I present you this dino: 🦖

so so sorry I swear it wasn't on purpose and I'm working on it I'm not actually gay I'm ace and we don't think about these things]

As it was, I recognized the gift given to me by my newest deity (I've started referring to them as Artemis, and for every reason you're thinking. If that too-hot-to-handle hunter didn't enjoy some womanly love every now and again, I'd confine myself to the Kitty Chamber for all eternity). Really, I did. This right now? It was a gift! No bones about it. And it's not that I wasn't thankful (because holy shit was I THANKFUL- I was about to declare my undying allegiance to Artemis the moment I spotted those buns) but honestly… this would've been a whole lot better if I knew how to fucking flirt.

"Sorry about my brother," TenTen apologized shyly, rubbing the back of her neck. Her voice was softer than I'd imagined it being given how much badassery she had (will have?) going on, but I wasn't complaining. It was like fucking velvet. I nodded in response, consumed by gay panic. From her hands to her face to her neck to her pretty ass eyes, her skin was flawless. Absolutely flawless. And, somehow, some way, she smelled like incense . Like sage and sandalwood. God help me. "He has a thing for pretty girls."

From my position at the door I tried to remember how to speak. Part of me lamented my decision to all but shove my boys out the door the second our mission ended (I told them to go to the training ground because, get this: Mr. Military didn't actually tell us what we were supposed to do afterwards. Thanks to Bubblegum's info dump I knew we had to present our mission report to the Hokage, but that required the presence of our jonin sensei who was who-fucking-knows where. I know. Helpful, right?) but most of me was caught up on the word 'pretty'. She thought I was pretty? The Knife Wielding Badass thought I was pretty???

I flashed a look at myself in the window of her home, trying to find what she saw. My reflection looked like hell, as I assumed what was the new usual. Weird.

"But you did a great job keeping him away from you." She continued, flashing me a kind smile. She was a vision: standing in the entryway of a floral-laced foyer, colored in blue and grey and silver tones, sporting a soft smile like a goddess greeting her warriors back from battle. In that moment, I mentally decided I needed to build Artemis a temple like… yesterday. TenTen I-don't-even-care-what-last-name was sugar and spice. She was whiskey and honey and all soft edges and sharp curves and her eyes glinted with the promise of punishment for her brother- hell maybe even me- and holy shit I needed to get to know this girl better, like, yesterday. "Honestly, I was surprised how quickly he got the hint. Did you say anything to him?"

"I told him to keep his hands to himself or I'd break it and impale him with his own radius." I responded dumbly, numbed by the miracle drawn before me. If this was the type of karma I was gonna get by dealing with the fuckery that was shinobi life and Bubblegum's future, I was ready.

Somewhere in my fuzzed brain, Inner groaned. You gay disastor…

I wasn't listening, too busy with something far more important: TenTen. 

And TenTen insert-whatever-last-name-here was hot. Like, a five alarm fire in the middle of the Suna desert hot. Taking in her magnificence, I could only wonder how the fuck Before managed to make her look so plain?!? I mean, granted, brown hair and brown eyes weren't the easiest of features to draw like an earthen fae walking out of the woods, but com'on! She was so… so… so stunning! Her build was a little broader than mine, her skin a little darker (tanner, like caramel dipped in sunlight), but her hair wasn't just brown - it was chestnut and oak and shimmering chocolate. Her eyes were lighter too: pools of rough wood and flecks of amber and holy shit were they changing color??? Fuck. They were. Not fair. Too sexy for this earth. Jesus. 

Eyeing her easily effortless hairdo (which was, by the way, cute as all fuck), I mentally fanned my face. If her hair was as long as I thought it was wrapped up in those criminally unjust buns, I was going to legit die. Like, right now. In front of her door. Jesus.

She laughed (my brain scrambled. Laughed! At me? I did that, right? Good sign??), placing a hand on her hip in a flair of movement. 

That's not her eyes, Wannabe. Inner grumbled, watching where my attention strayed.

Oops. 

"Straight-foward," she said, lighting up like a tiger's stone thrown in a fire. It was beautiful. I'd live for it. "I like that! You know, sometimes that's the only way guys like him will get the message."

"Uh-huh." I parroted back. Her mischievous grin was an absolute sin.

"You did a good job at handling your teammates too." She complimented, pulling at her shirt slightly. It was well past noon and thank fucking god: Konoha was hot. God bless. Artemis bless. "I was sure they were going to destroy the fence."

Every part of me caught fire. Was this flirting? Friendly? I had no clue. But why, oh why, was she so hot?? There was a glistening on her neck. I wanted to lick it.

That's sexual assault.

Shit. Right. Sorry.

"They weren't." I said in an attempt to keep the conversation going. It was a complete lie. They totally were. But in their defense, they were twelve and Ms. Fae's grandfather was apparently an asshole with a gift for indirect insults. I had to all but threaten them into keeping the peace. "They're just… energetic."

TenTen shook her head with an understanding smile, pushing her bangs out of her face. "Yeah, one of mine is like that. Lee never stops moving. Although I don't think I've ever heard him use such… colorful words before."

I hummed guiltily. Outsiders would find Sasuke's and Naruto's particular brand of friendship worrying, wouldn't they? "They don't really mean it." I say with a fond smile. "I think it's their love language."

She giggled at that. I nearly fainted.

"I meant what they were muttering about grandpa."

My mind flashing back to the very long 6 hours I just had with what seemed to be an undying commentary, I drew back slightly. That .

"Oh. Sorry." I said. 

It was a complete lie. I wasn't sorry. Not in the slightest. That old man deserved every fucking word we threw to the wind and I'd fucking do it again.

"Don't be." She sighed with a wave of her hand. From her face I could tell this wasn't a new subject for her. Dropping her voice so the man in question couldn't hear her (which was, in my opinion, completely unnecessary. Yes, he was lounging in the loveseat not even on the other end of the foyer, but if today's shouting was anything to go by that man was deaf), "He's just like that- always going on about how we're poisoning the shinobi system with our childish dreams. I think it was the war, to be honest."

"Ah." I said.

In a way, I understood. It wasn't a new concept for me- one I was fairly certain was universal. War changed everyone, no matter where they were. That didn't mean he had to be a dick though. 

"I take it you're not a fan?" I asked.

She gave me a pained smile. "I love him, I really do, but I could do without some of his more... traditional views." She peeked back at the old man in the loveseat with a conflicted expression, one bathed in an underlying fury.

"The ones that say you should be preparing to support your respectable husband and not playing a man's game." I say more than ask.

She blinked, surprised. "How did-?"

"He told me that when I went to get him some water earlier." I explained. Clients weren't required to stay for the duration of the mission, especially for D-ranks, but that didn't stop this old man any. And, my burning anger and righteous fury aside, he was old and Kohona was hot. Knowing my luck he was probably going to suffer a heat stroke, and then that of course would become my problem so I offered. (I also broke the glass once I caught onto what he was saying and now had even more bandages across my poor little palms, but that wasn't important. It's the thought that counts.)

"Ah, yeah. That. Sorry."

"It's fine." I wave off. "If he's like that, then he's just like that. And it doesn't look like you listened." I continued, looking pointedly at the military pouch on her hip with a small smirk.

She sent me a grin, pointing at mine. "Neither did you."

I laughed, leaning back in sickeningly fake despair. "Oh dear." I cry, pressing a dainty hand to my chest. "It looks like we're outliers now. Whatever will we do? Surely no respectable man will marry us in such a state."

Tenten brought her hand to her face to cover a snort. It was beautiful. "Marry each other and beat them into the ground?"

"Pinky promise?" I asked gleefully, batting my eyelashes and leaning forward. "I'll give you their heads for our wedding vows."

"Oh no, no." She crackled with a wave of her hand. "Far too messy. Just their shattered pride will do!" 

"I'll get in writing." I promised. "Use it to decorate the venue."

"Tears decorating the paper?"

"Only the best for my queen."

We laughed together, TenTen crackling so hard that she had to lean on the doorframe for support. "I like you! My name's TenTen by the way." She introduced, sticking out her hand.

"Sakura." I introduce with a lavish bow and a sly wink. "Now, as much as I'd love to get to know my queen further," I say taking her hand and giving it a comically weak jiggle, "it seems I am needed elsewhere. There's smoke coming from our training grounds."

Her responding laugh made me really, really wish I was lying, but the reflection in her window was merciless. I could see it: black plumes and a future headache just for me.

"Best check on my boys." I continue with an apologetic bow.

When I'm about to round the corner of the street, I hear TenTen shouting from her front yard.

"Invite them to our wedding!" She says with a happy wave. I send her a salute and a cocky grin.

"I'll drag 'em if I have to!"

The moment I round the corner and am out of her sight, I double over, my face so hot it feels like magma on my knees.

Did I have a wifey now?

From inside my mind Inner banged her head against the non-existent walls of my consciousness, groaning in despair.

You goddamned gay disaster, you can flirt just fine!

Chapter Text

In the coming weeks I really, really, really, really wish I could tell you that I spent it in lovely lavish, properly perusing my queen and that that one instance was the last time the training grounds caught fire. Really. Because, I mean, for starters: it's TenTen. So, uh, duh. But also: none of us, and I do mean not one of us, knew any water jutsu. (And I found this out- yep, you guessed it- while the field was actively burning) And while I was pretty sure the damage costs were coming out of our pay, that might've been fair because I might've maybe been the cause for one or two of them…? Accidentally-on-purpose?

Ah fuck it. Who am I kidding? We were a fucking DISASTER. Team 7- as in Naruto, Sasuke, myself, and our sensei that for all intents and purposes might've as well been a goddamned ghost - was an absolute, 'complete destructive force of nature all on its own', literal disaster. And no amount of chakra training, Artemis help me, was going to change that. 

In the week following my indoctrination to my self-proclaimed religion alone, we set fire to the stupid thing at least 5 times. (In my defense for whichever of those I was responsible for: I was firmly corrected on my previous thought not even a day in- I did not have the stupidest idea of my entire life during the bell test, but in fact, had it after. Because, get this, Sasuke was apparently a sadist . Offering up a sort of team 'you scratch my back, I scratch yours' training regime? Moronic. Unforgivable. A mistake. Just who the fuck trains while being chased by wolves anyways?! And- real quick, just real quick here given the list of wildlife in Konoha and the notable absence of those particular fuzzy beasts on said list- where did he get them????? ) It was really getting to be a noticeable problem. And, as I was cheerfully informed a few moments after fire number 3, as the brain cell of the team- 'the smart one' if you will- it was my job to do something about it- apparently . 

In the words of our oh so lovely sensei (once he finally decided to show the fuck up and took in the carnage that was Naruto and Sasuke's love language with his creepy, hypocritical, so fucking dead the next time I fucking see him little eye) what we needed to do was to find a 'more constructive outlet' for our frustrations, and 'expand our horizens' (whatever that meant). And when asked on how we were meant to do that by our sunny little blonde, that task somehow, someway, yet again , became my fucking problem: as evidence by the way he pointed at me- fucking ME- and wished me 'good luck' before whisking away into a plume of dead-beat dad energy. 

Realistically speaking, I think I was taking it well.

I mean, yeah, ooooooohhhhh-ho was I pissed . All I wanted to do was to reject the responsibility, to make it clear that in no way was I going to become the psuedo-sensei for that man and drag that motherfucking coward back to do his fucking JOB, but really. What if I did? If I gave a hard no, and told that old man just where he could metaphorically suck it, just where did that leave my boys? Under the care of the cowardly, soon-to-be-dead-man who ran away from 3 little twelve year olds? Yeeeaahhh, no. No . Not happening. 

So yeah. I was taking it well, but not well. So please. Just… just keep that in the forefront of your mind and try to remember that twenty-two wasn't exactly adult adult, and I was trying my best.

You know...

Before you judge.

"THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING!" Naruto shrieked to the heavens, throwing his arms up with a loud WHOOP. The motion sent us skidding and rocking as bark rumbled underneath our feet. His hair and clothes rushed into disarray the more we picked up pace, becoming more and more alive with every second of speed we gained, flaying and fraying until both his and my hair were monsters all on their own. His eyes, I could see, were bright. Brighter than the stars, brighter than the practical sun I could feel underneath the cloth of his clothes and the flush of his skin. The heat he gave off was polarizing in its essence, loud and proud against the afternoon haze. His grin was frighteningly inviting, cracking and jeering with each guest of wind.

It was clear that Naruto was having the time of his life and I liked to think that maybe, just maybe, the fox was too. 

We were carving our names into the earth. We were Hansel and Gretel and the witch who took them in, plotting and sprinkling chaos in our wake, marring both a path and a banner loudly proclaiming that nothing in this world would and could ever contain us, and, as a general rule, I really shouldn't've been the one left in charge.

"THIS IS INSANE!" I heard from my left.

From in between my lashes I could see Sasuke twist his body into a flip, pulling him and the bit of tree bark we were using as surfing equipment into a completely unfair graceful arch, just nearly missing the tree that sprung to life on his right not even a second later in his launding. His laugh vibrated through the air, through both his chest and my own, for once looking young, looking happy , and as the blooming cloud of leaves and compost left us as quickly as it came, I found that maybe I wasn't too too guilty about what was happening.

At least they were having fun.

"But you love it, right?" I shouted happily, steading my hands on Naruto's hips and enjoying the scrape of air against my tongue. This entire thing was a bad idea- from the act to the location to the questionable position I was in: hands wrapped around Naruto's center in what was basically underwear (I refused to try the dress. Refused. No, I didn't have anything else to wear because I got too distracted to do laundry, but booty shorts counted as clothes right? I mean… I had a shirt on at least) mounted side-by-side on thick, dying scraps of wood kept together by chakra and willpower alone, careening down the side of the Hokage monument at death defying speeds… chasing one lonely little cat. 

But… I mean... at least we were learning?

"Naru," I warned as I felt a shift at my center and adjusted my grip. The more time I spent Here the more chakra became something almost tangible, like if I just reached out a little more I could feel everything it is and was, even if all that met my fingertips was air, "more chakra in your feet, you're gonna slip!"

"You got it Sakura-chan!" Naruto replied in a pulse of warmth. It was faith and trust and a sun born in a boy, and not for the first time I had to wonder just how I became 'the boss'.

My ascension to 'the one in charge' was a manner of default: Kakashi was the one to declare that what the team did was my problem and, nowadays, the man barely showed up anymore. After the painting fiasco, it became routine for him to arrive at our designated meeting spot long enough to tell us where we were going and what we were doing only to disappear once again. It was ridiculous (not to mention not allowed- like, by written rule. 'Regulations for Jonin Commanders' Chapter One, page 7, paragraph 3, line 2 states: "In the first 35 days of a genin team's formation, the Jonin may not allow missionary conduct without bodily supervision unless allocated to another qualified jonin by mutal agreement on both sides") but it is what it was and what it was was, ultimately, my problem. So I stepped up as the one in charge and kept us on track during our missions. (It took some squabbling to get Sasuke to understand I was the one in charge, but we got there eventually. And I didn't even break anything human!) The thing is though… the longer those D-ranks went on, the more boring they got. And I was not a fan. Do you know how hard it is to keep two twelve-year-old boys on task when the 'one in charge' was just as distractable? Let me save you some time and effort: it was IMPOSSIBLE! So after one particular mission where a lapse in attention and some shotty knot work led to all three of us down a waterfall and into a goddamn ravine, I came up with a brilliant idea: side quests (a.k.a. keep these fuckers- yes, I am fuckers- interested because never again .) 

Soooooooo… yeah… while we were technically supposed to be catching some noblewoman's cat… we could do that while surfing down the Hokage Mountain using only chakra… right? If we did so while chasing the cat?

Inner was loudly questioning my life decisions in a few choice words I could barely hear over the wind. It was a rather lovely thing.

"Sasu, you got eyes on the target?" I felt more than heard myself ask. 

Sasuke skirted around a large rock with admirable finesse, eyes zooming in on the yowling feline to our front. "Got him."

Tora wasn't having as much fun as we were. He barreled and skittered forward, all but rolling through a gap in two oncoming fallen branches, scratching at the wood. I reinforced the flow of chakra I had keeping Naruto and I upright as we hit it, thanking Artemis for his sense of balance. Tora fell further, half-running half-jumping towards safety.

"He's veering left!" Naruto warned, already shifting his weight so we could follow. He didn't catch on as quickly as Sasuke did when it came to sticking to the board (our first academic lesson was chakra control at Inner's request and, I'm sorry to say this about my little sunshine, but 'slow to catch on' was putting it gently) but he did have a natural instinct for steering. That and his trap work was amazing. Even Sasuke had to swallow his pride after he saw how quickly Naruto got Tora to the top of the mountain.

(Yes, we were catching a cat we were ordered to catch that we already caught but let go just so we could chase it down a mountain at terrifying, possibly lethal speeds just to catch them again. I was trying my best, goddamnit!)

Sasuke followed us without question, leaning forward to gain some speed. 

"You ready boys?" I yelled to the wind, gripping Naru's waist further. Up ahead, the thick growth of trees that had previously lined our path thinned into a shotty grove of mismatched patches of shrub and moss. Beyond that I knew were Kohona's equivalent of storm drains, made to line the merchant's street a handful of meters further. That was our Red Zone. If Tora made it there even Naruto's lures wouldn't find him, what with all those stalls and smells and more enticing distractions. So what we had was a plan in place to… encourage Tora to go the other direction.

Naruto and Sasuke grinned maniacally.

"Yeah!"

"Let's do it."

It was an awful, horrible, arguably simple plan: corralling this unholy, agressive cat like a cattle set for slaughter. But the execution of it was thrilling . 

A stray branch whipped across my shin, grazing along my skin and taking some for the ride with a harsh sting. Wind leapt across my arms and cheeks, pulling me forward like a vacuum, sucking me in until I could only beg for it to take me faster, take me further, until time was relative and my mortality was just an after-thought. It was addicting: this feeling of power and danger.

"Alright! Sasu," I yelled, "give it some gas!"

I heard no response, but I didn't need to. I could feel the way Sasuke obliged immediately, pumping chakra into his fists and letting it condense. I closed my eyes against the wind and observed the process carefully, tasting the shimmer in the air and feeling the thrum of his core. It was almost humbling, the way the world felt in such a state: like we were all but a dot of paint smudged beyond what our canvases could handle. And in much the same way you could smell sharpness in the air and cool breeze on your skin and know the clouds could hold no more, I felt Sasuke's canvas shutter and writhe. He was ready.

"Ignight!"

Sasuke nodded and sent a surge through his chakra network, tingling like lighting and catching with a hiss. Within seconds his fists were pushing out flame, propelling him faster and further with a jolt I felt down to my toes- 

Fire Style: Hand Signs Can Kiss My Ass no Jutsu.

The surge of speed shot him forward until he all but soared up and around Tora, cutting the feline off from his escape. The cat yowled and turned tail, jumping to our right. 

Even as I formed the words "Naru! Skid!", he was already on it, flicking his ankles up and pushing against me. I pushed back, trying to keep us upright as much as possible as we were bounced off of stone and mulch. Tora took a hard left, weaving around a summoned oak.

Sasuke 'tsked', following behind our curve.

"Goal: seventy-eight meters." Sasuke warned as we lined up. 

Peeking around Naru's shirt I could see that he was right: the Hokage's Office was a little over 70 meters out and gaining fast.

"Sakura. Narrow the pathway."

"Goin'." I said, wrapping my arms around Naru's torso and toeing off one of my shoes. It whipped away in clatter leaves and snapped twigs. I could feel blood oozing from somewhere, most likely  from somewhere on my shin, but that could be dealt with later. I eyed the new trail of targets soaring past me, mentally judging which tree would fall easiest.

That one! Inner suggested, pointing at a skewed trunk soon to be in our path, It's already half way down!

I nodded, shifting to one foot. "Naru, gimme some spin."

"Gotcha Sakura-chan!"

With a twist of his hips, we were pulled forward and I was sent swinging in its path. I threw my leg out in a formless but distinct roundhouse kick, trusting in my she-hulk poweress. I was not disappointed. It took almost no effort to turn its base into splinters, diving the already half fallen root towards the ground. At a thickness that surpassed several men's, it hit the soil with a thundering CRUNCH, edging the panicked cat even further towards Sasuke who dipped away from the rebounding oak and under its rolling tide. A quick glance around told me everything: 30 meters out and too many meters to the right. We'd gone too far and were going way too fast.

"We're not gonna make it!" I heard Naruto voice. We were trying to make the Orange Zone. It was where Naruto lined up his triggers near the base of the building to re-trap Tora before we presented him, but they were almost exclusively soft-triggers. They were meant to be activated when Tora paused to catch his breath by weight sensors and water bait. They needed a near stationary target to function. Naruto was right: we were going too fast to trigger them properly. 

"Plan B!" I ordered, ditching my other shoe to get a better grip. It flew in a flutter, lost for what was probably forever. Beside me Sasuke threw his arms out and readied himself to jump. Naruto dipped into a crouch. "On Sasuke's time!"

One second. Two. Five.

This was a horrible idea. Just who left me in charge again? 

"Ready…" Sasuke started as I ripped Naru's jacket off him and twisted it around my forearms, "... NOW!"

Naruto leapt off the board with a yelp. In a surge of momentum, I shifted my weight to my heels and fell backwards, impaling the board into the soil, skidding my descent in a fabulous combination of human brakes and she-hulk anchoring. Dirt and grime scraped and bit underneath my nails and across my face as soil and bark scattered around me. From in between the bits of foliage and locks of bubblegum-pink hair I could see Sasuke jump as well, using his superior chakra manipulation to become a physical barricade for Tora in just a few short flips. It would've almost been considered a graceful landing if Naruto hadn't all but slammed into him half a second later. I came to a shuttering stop just as Naruto got a handle on the evil cat's scruff (a move I taught him the moment I discovered that the 'Bane of All Genin' was a cat ), the flat of my still-stuck surf board standing not even a meter from the back of the mission hall.

Dust settled as I layed there panting. 

"Mission: Capture Tora-" Naruto grinned, holding out the yowling demon spawn caught in his arms like a prized fur, "Complete!"

From my place on the ground I weezed out a laugh.

You gotta love him.

Ditching his own board, Sasuke grunted. "Side quest: Coral the Hellspawn- Failed. We didn't get him into the trap."

Naruto's grin fell. "Oh."

As one, we all looked to the side where our soft traps were still peeking in the sun: slivers of shiny, unearthed, sensetive sheets of metal glinting against the soil. Unfazed and untouched.

Pulling myself up with a grunt and dusting myself off, I sighed. "Ah, well it's not a total loss… we herded the thing well enough." Looking more closely at the distance in between the two, I was actually pretty proud. It couldn't have been more than 20 meters or so away. Not too too bad. And we were right where we needed to be otherwise.

"And it was fun." I added, bracing against the building, still high from the adrenaline rush. To that both Naruto and Sasuke nodded, vibrating in glee.

"Yeah!" Naruto cheered. "It was a blast! What's our next side quest Sakura-chan?"

Sasuke grunted with a poorly hidden smile as he unwrapped the disarrayed, stolen garment looped around my arms and used it as a sack to confine the skittering feline bound by its own skin. He gave my bare feet a look. "Shoes?" He suggested knowingly.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I sighed. Right. Shoes. I peeked to the side of the mountain- my shoes were nowhere in sight. All I could see was the line gouged into the soil from our chakra and our recklessness: broken branches, upturned soil, and a tingle that hovered over the route.

Tora protested vehemently from the bag.

"Mmm… maybe later." I evaded, not having any plans whatsoever to do so later. Instead I turned my attention to my legs.  "First gotta do something about the bleeding."

Leaning forwards, I placed my hand on my open wound and pushed some chakra in.  After the first training ground fire I thought that while, hey- what the fuck, how come now one knows any water justu, just where the duck duck godamned fucking goose was that friggin adult- maybe learning some first aid would be nice? Especially given our collective shitty wrapping skills. 

I was pretty good at it, although how I learned it... was… not recommended… but I was the boss and I was in charge so fuck it . So yeah, after some questionable self harm (Naruto tried to volunteer once I told him about my idea but the fox wasn't having it. Even Sasuke tried to offer up his skin for sacrifice before I could try my own, but we quickly found out his chakra just did not like me. None of us knew why) I could now do some minor first aid and Bubblegum's skin was not as pretty as it used to be.

"How come you keep ditching your shoes anyways?" Naruto asked, slinging the filthy Tora Sack over his shoulder. I felt bad for ruining his jacket, but also not really. Because, first of all, that color was a crime against nature. Second of all, it wasn't like I took it for no good reason. The funny thing was, the wooden equivalent of road burn? Yeah, it didn't count as 'minor first aid', despite being a shallow wound. Actually, anything bigger than the size of my hand didn't count as 'minor' first aid. It was something about cell connections and chakra relations and surface area that made a wound minor or not, but essentially even if it was a papercut: if it was bigger than my hand I couldn't heal it yet.

So yeah. RIP pumpkin monstrostiy. My health thanks you.

I hummed, finishing the patchwork and using the ponytail that was wrapped around my wrist to throw my hair up. While Naruto's still looked like he stuck his finger in a lightning socket, he was also a boy . He could get away with such things without any annoying commentary. "It makes it easier to connect my chakra." I responded, working my way around the building. It was lined with shrubs and fluffy plants, so the progress was slow going.

From behind me, Sasuke shook his head. "That still makes no sense..."

I shot him an annoyed look from over my shoulder. "You're one to talk. You can manage to learn how to make fire spew out of your hands with no hand signs but can't make a proper knot?"

He glared at me with a pout. "That wasn't my fault."

Our feet crunched against the gravel as we worked our way through the shrubbery and entered the main street. We received a few questioning glances from the on-lookers and merchants, but weren't questioned. (Probably because we were essentially three wild, forest children holding a homicidal, yowling bag.)

"Oh?" I said with a raised eyebrow, entering the building and sending a mental apology to whoever's job it was to clean it, "Our dip in the ravine begs to differ."

I could hear Naruto laugh from behind him as we entered the lobby. "Aw, come'on Sakura-chan! It wasn't that bad!"

I turned and gave him a flat stare. "Easy for you to say. You're male. There's just some places in the female body that should never have mud in them. EVER."

The female receptionist nodded us through with an impressive poker face, having become used to our disheveled appearance after one or two side quests and already possessing enough zen to withstand our conversations. She was cute: short, bobbed honey-colored hair with light eyes and feather dusted cheeks, but she was also as straight my inevitable ticket to hell. My gaydar fell over like a limp noodle the first moment I laid eyes on her.

More's the pity, Inner drawled out sarcastically. 

Sasuke muttered unintelligently, blushing deeply at the memory. "We said sorry…" Naruto's face was equally red, for reasons you proabably suspect. 

Yes, it is as you think: I stripped. I pulled myself up and dragged myself to the nearest shallow water, I prepared to lecture my boys into oblivion with my hands on my hips with enough sass to make a middle-aged house wide proud, felt just where the mud settled in and around me, and noped the fuck out that shit quicker than Kakashi's adversion to responisbilty- childlike innocence be damned.

Fuck.

That.

A comfortable silence settled over us as we veered towards the stairs. 

"Man…" Naruto groaned, breaking it as we passed the second floor. The Tora Bag squirmed more insistantly the further up we got, as if he could feel how close he was from damnation. "I don't know how much more of these D ranks I can take. I mean, they're not so bad with Sakura-chan's 'side quests', but this is so boring! I wanna something more exciting!"

Sasuke nodded, coming up beside me. "I agree, but it's not like you can convince Hokage-sama to give us something better."

Naruto sighed bitterly with a droop. "Yeah…"

"Hey, wait!" He perked up, bounding over to my other side. "Can't you Sakura-chan? You're all convincing and stuff."

"Me?" I asked, subtly leaning away from him. The staircase was a tight fit with the three of us walking side by side, and Tora was an existinal hazard. "Convincing?"

"Yeah! Like with that one guy with the dog!"

I blinked as the memory clicked. Ahhhhhh. That. I knew what he was talking about. 

Mission: walk the dogs. 

Side quest: carrying out a conversation using one handed sign language where no one could see. 

Personal side quest presented by the universe: beat into some horn dog's brain that I wasn't into guys. Although… I wouldn't have called that convincing ...

"Dobe." Sasuke cut in, voicing my thought "She can't threaten the Hokage into giving us a C-rank."

Naruto tilted his head in confusion. "Eh? That was threatening?"

I laughed softly, ruffling his hair. I loved him to death, but Naruto still had a little ways to go before he wasn't completely clueless. Arriving at the office entrance, I patted his free shoulder. "I know you're getting impatient Naru, but you have a better chance annoying Hokage-sama into allowing us a C rank then you do convincing him. Just be patient, yeah?"

In a long, suffering groan aimed at the floor, he surrendered. "I guess…"

"I'm a ninja now and I want a ninja mission!"

From my position of attention, I bit my lip to hid my laugh. Inner grumbled in resignation. That fucking brat. Hell will freeze over before he learns to surrender. 

Well… at least he was listening? I comforted.

I was ignored.

Hey… wait… don't I know that guy?

Inner gave me a mixed look of pity and exasperation. The plot Wannabe, she sighed dispairingly. That would be the plot.

… oh.

Chapter Text

"Kakashi-sensei!!!"

Naruto's terrified tone rang through the clearing.

The sound of flesh and blood ground and tore, ringing at a high, fevered pitch I could barely translate. There was something distinctly familiar resting on my tongue: loose, shallow, and metallic. Somewhere beyond the contrast of red on blue on green I registered the sloshing sound bouncing around my ears as Mr Military decorated the drought-wrought soil, but the information was filed away- out the window, across the pond, and back into the distant memory fazing somewhere between my twitching psych and Inner's horrified scream: walking along a darkened street I thought I knew, only to be harshly corrected before I could register that I was in danger.

I was smeared across rain-soaked pavement.

Kakashi was slice-and-diced like a pound of meat at the market. 

“One down.” One of them hissed.

It was oil on water. Oil on water dipped in ink and too many colors to name. It was high beams in your eyes on a highway in a clown car set up not even inches away from the pavement. It was yellow on black and neon lights in the dark. It was an impossible-to-describe contrast: the speed of how I perceived what was happening and my line of thought in relation to it.

Shit holy mothere fucking double monkey MOthER FuCKinG SHIT-

It was a puddle. A bit of water pooled on a dirt road we’d been trudging on for hours on end with a drunk man who called himself our client. It was an unmentionable break from the awkward monotony we were marching to: my boys sticking to me and myself, and me religiously ignoring the tall, silver-haired man that actually showed up on time for once. It was a completely ordinary, unsuspecting puddle that, apparently, was silently housing two enemy shinobi with a Danger Kitty fetish. Two fast, ferocious shinobi who were all claws and bits of shredded cloth, decorated in metal and the element of surprise.

Inner screeched as Terror Number One barreled up in a splash of evaporated fake-water and around to Naruto. I was moving before I thought to make it happen.

“Naruto! Get your weapon out or so help me GOD!” I screamed, pulling out two kunai and pushing myself in front of the drunken fool that I was almost 100% sure was completely at fault for whatever was currently happening, and if he wasn’t then- whatever because then it had to have been Mr. Military’s fault and I couldn't exactly aim all my anger and fear and all the shit saying holy fuck holy mother fucking fuck I’m gonna die we’re gonna die at a goddamned corpse . Naruto jolted the moment I got into position, throwing his hand to his thigh and jumping back, away from his pursuer.

The man chuckled darkly and sneered, zooming into Naru’s personal space at the same time he leaned back. A flutter of the dark wrap donning his shoulders obscured Sasuke's moving form.

"Too late."

This is all your fault Wannabe! Inner screamed into my ears, echoing around like it came from several feet underwater. My heart pounded in every portion of my body and I swore I could smell and taste my own fear. 

Shut up! I swore, flipping one kunai into a defensive position facing the ground and twirling the other so it rested at the base of my wrist.

“Naru!”

Both Terror One and Terror Two weren't from Konoha. They wore a metal claw around their (possibly) dominant hands, trailing around chains spiked in maliance, sadistry, and possible/probable non-friendly substances. They moved in practiced synch, Terror One zeroing in on Naruto and Terror Two targeting Tazu-something (and by extension, me). Terror One wasted no time, going in for the kill, reaching his clawed hand towards Naru’s neck-

He jerked, hand and chain ripped backwards by Sasuke- pulling out two shuriken and throwing them perfectly in time to pin the mesh of the chain and the shuriken in question to a nearby tree. My mind fizzed and popped like grease on a fire in the middle of the largest sea, only seeing the opening presented in front of me and not allowing anything else to register. I felt nothing- thought of nothing - as the hand not already curled up in a defensive position pulled backwards and flicked forwards: shooting the kunai across the space between us and against Terror One’s angled neck- up and aimed too far to the left. It hit the thick bit of cloth connected to his shawl and mask with all the strength I could muster, slicing through it, the muscle around his clavicle, and the bone itself with ease as he screamed. 

( I was strong enough to cut through bone ) 

Terror Two cursed and jerked, pushing against the ground, changing what was once his playful, baiting pace into something more sinister: bounding towards me at a speed that mirrored Kakashi’s during the bell test.

( I had aimed to kill without trying )

He appeared in front of me in an instant my body registered before my brain-

( I can do it again )

 -clawing away at where my neck once was: half a head away and an inch or two too far up. I was moving-

(Naruto too- over to me, closer to me)

-curling downward and pulling my leg up and swinging my hips with everything I had in me- abandoning control and abandoning thought and hearing nothing but my beating heart the ghost of my name on Naruto and Sasuke’s lips- connecting with Terror two’s side- his liver, his spleen, his spine that was his spine- with a sickening crunch. 

I felt the vibrations of whatever sound he made. I didn't hear what it was.

He shot upwards and out: connecting with another tree in a series of sounds I could only guess. 

Terror One's body spasmed. He shrieked wordlessly, disconnecting the chain that bound him, surging forward as I stumbled, buzzing with power and adrenaline. 

“You bitch!” 

He pulled his arm back, readying and preparing and salivating for the attack that my body did not move for, did not react to- would possibly kill me, was I ready to go?- only to freeze as he met Sasuke- arms out ready to defend- Naruto -unused kunai held steady, ready to attack- and… Ka...ka...shi?

“Ungh!”

He skidded. Jerked. Forced into a direct stop. I couldn't think- could only blink wordlessly as Terror One fell limply- restrained just inches away from Sasuke's chest, Naruto's kunai resting even closer, hog tied into a choke hold by what I was sure was a ghost. The change in pace had my boys staggering- had me staggering - weapons half raised and a name half formed on our lips.

“Kaka…?”

The silver haired man- completely fine, completely unharmed, not a drop of blood on him- gave us a lazy, two fingered salute.

“Yo.”

He… HE- Inner stammered, too infuriated for words. I had enough presence to glance at where his corpse was- where his corpse was supposed to be, please tell me that wasn't a bluff- but the mass of logs didn’t really click for me. Nothing was. I could only see one thing, zero in on one thing: a heap of over-folded limbs and shredded cloth collapsed somewhere in between Naruto’s back and another disassembled tree. Far enough away that I had to strain my neck to see, close enough to pick out the bits of major arteries and bone splinters and the major lack of breathing when I did. 

A familiar feeling of cold washed over me as my legs shook and saliva pooled in my mouth.

I killed him. I realized as my vision swam shakily and something wet dripped on my cheek. He's dead.

“Sorry it took me so long guys,” Kakashi said from far, far away. I saw him say it. I didn't hear the words. His apathetic gaze slid from the body- my body, my fault, I did that- and then over to me as a knife of indescribable fury- he left us, he left us- and grief gutted through me. "I didn't think you'd react like that."

I barely heard him ask if we were ok before I scrambled to the nearest tree and threw up.

It was a ploy.

A game.

Kakashi was the chess master, information was king, and we were only pawns.

The chess master and the drunk were arguing.

"I needed to know who they were after-"

"So you leave it to a little girl-"

I'm not little...

"It was faster that way-"

"The poor thing's cryin'!"

"She is a shinobi and is well prepared-"

A lie. That was a lie. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't prepared-

"You left grown, dangerous men to three little kids!"

He did. He left us.

"Well perhaps I wouldn't have to if you had just told us-"

"You told me you were an 'elite jounin'! What kind of elite jounin leaves three kids all by themselves-"

"As you can see, you're fine-"

From my spot on the ground, I sniffled, clinging to Naru's jacket a little tighter. It was still warm from when Naruto wore it and honestly wasn't as bad as I made it seem to be. Yes, it was a god forsaken shade of orange, but it was also thick and plush and good for hugging. I was only sorry that I was getting tears all over it and possibly tearing it in the force of my hug.

"Sakura…" Naruto murmured, hands half raised as if he wanted to hug me but wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not. Sasuke hovered awkwardly a few feet in front of me, placing himself in between myself and the arguing 'adults'.

I shot him a watery smile in gratitude.

"I'm fine," I whispered, voice hoarse and keeping my eyes on the orange and pointedly not looking anywhere near the… body. Or the adults. Or anything except the orange and my boys. "I don't suppose you could get them to stop yelling at each other? It isn't helping."

My voice sounded so small, even in my own ears. It was the first time I spoke in the hour they'd been arguing, once Tazuto's story had been pried out and Terror One had suspiciously disappeared for questioning with Kakashi and conveniently never returned. 

The detached, clinical side of my brain could only blankly review the memory of Terror One's bleeding all over Kakashi's arm and compare it to what it knew about how much blood a body could lose. 

I smothered the voice saying it was highly probable that I killed two people today. I could only handle so much at once.

Sasuke nodded solemnly, like a knight sworn to service. "On it."

Naruto inched nearer once Sasuke had gone, hands fidgeting. He looked down at them as if he hated them, hated how clean they were. (I could've helped, a voice whispered, if only I moved faster ) 

"It's not… it's not ok, is it?" He asked seriously.

I shook my head, half laughing and half sobbing at his purity- at his open eyes and set jaw. What I did to deserve them, I'll never know, but I was so glad I had them. They were a soft velvet tether: holding me to earth and promising it would be ok. 

"It's not." I sighed, clutching the orange monstrosity closer to my chest. The sobs had all but subsided, leaving me both exhausted and refreshed. "It's really not."

"We should go home then." He suggested, dropping down in front of me in a crouch. A glow erupted around him as Sasuke fulfilled my request in his typical pyromaniac manner: throwing a giant fireball in between Head One and Head Two. I heard Tazu-blank squawk as Sasuke's fiery chakra filled the air and my shivering form warmed.

I really do love them. I thought fondly as I caught Kashashi's muffled curse. Best little ones a girl could have.

"Would you actually be ok with that?" I asked knowingly, rubbing away my tears with the back of my hand and forcing myself to my feet. 

Naruto's face screwed up comically, prying a laugh out of my sore throat before he could attempt to agree.

He's such a terrible liar. 

"Yeah…" I sighed tiredly, pulling out my messed up bun and throwing in up another. "Me neither."

Sasuke trotted back up to us in the sound of light footsteps, smelling a little of ash and glowing in satisfaction.

"I got them to stop." He declared formally with an undertone of pride. Like a kitten who just caught its first bird. "Kakashi wanted to know if we wanted to keep going, I told him yes."

Naruto grumbled from the ground, running his hand through his hair. 

"You didn't even ask us…" He sulked.

Sasuke grunted, crossing his hands over his chest and semi-descreetly side eying me. 

"Was I wrong?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

I took a shuttering breath, steadied myself and shook my head. "No, you weren't." 

Once Naruto pulled himself up with a heave, I tried offering the folded and rumpled make-shift stuffed animal back but he wasn't having it.

"No, you wear it Sakura-chan!" Naruto protested, shaking his head vehemently. "It's yours now!"

Sasuke made a noise of disgust, sneakily sliding past him so our shoulders touched just briefly. "Deadlast," He said slowly, as if talking to a two year old. "It's orange ."

Naruto bristled. "What's wrong with orange?!"

I pulled the sleeves over my shaking hands and coughed out another laugh, feeling lighter and lighter with every word thrown. It was comforting: the way they clawed and wrestled with each other, the smell of something not quite burnt paper but something close, and the warmth of Naruto's presence. 

"It's a bright-ass color." I huffed, swiping at my cheeks some more. 

Naruto turned to me with a pout, feigning feeling betrayed. "But Saaaaakuuuura-chan," he whined out, looking up at me with those two too blue eyes. From behind him, Sasuke rolled his. "You like me bright, right?"

Taking in the image of my two boys: alive, happy, whole - I could only smile. "Yeah, I like you bright. Both of you."

Sasuke's offended noise had me laughing further.

And I'll do whatever I have to to keep you that way, I silently promised, joining them and taking their hands, Even if my hands will never be clean again.

I was too distracted to notice Inner's smug grin as we made our way forward. 

I never noticed how quiet she had gotten.

Chapter Text

What…?

My fingers twitched on the side of our crummy little convict boat, heart pounding a mile a minute. The water around us sloshed almost rhythmically, charading as some kind of ironic backtrack to my anger, terror, confusion, and fear. From the depths of my mind, Inner laughed in a mixture of false bravado and pained comfort.

We were in a similar state of mind for once.

N-now… let's just calm down here a second… she placated, non-hands wringing in front of her tightly. Naruto and Sasuke, who had all but barricaded me away from Kakashi-sensei the moment we boarded the dock, looked at me in open concern, but kept quiet. Crossing the river was meant to be a sneaky affair, which only made my strained, painful sounding exhale more prominent.

Calm? I mentally hissed, biting my tongue to keep from screaming. Any harder and I'm sure I would've drawn blood. No. No calm. Calm is gone now. LOST. Tell me how the EVER LoVING FUCK I CAN BE CALM-

Inner scurried back to her corner, curled up in what I somehow could perceive as a tight ball. Whether it was because of fear or guilt, I didn't care . I was gonna kill her. Physical limitations could kiss my ass. Who cared if she didn't have an actual body, I would find a way.

I know I didn't tell you but- She tried. I was having none of it and cut her off harshly.

It was kind of IMPORTANT YOU FUCKING-

She scrambled to defend herself, but it didn't have the same effect as it should have 

I just wanted to make sure you'd still-!

Why would I want to 'still' if I don't fucking know-

B-But it's a mission with Sasuke-kun-

My teeth were clenched so tight my jaw popped.

Don't you 'Sasuke-kun' me you moronic piece of psychosis-

Naruto made a small noise of distress as the wood creaked ominously in my fingers, and it took every ounce of my self control to keep them from clenching.

I'm sorry! She squeaked, hugging her non-knees to her chest, but it's not like we can do anything about it! I don't know how it happened either-

It's my head you sorry excuse for a poltergeist! I mentally screamed, heaving out a sharp breath. Kakashi gave me an inquiring look with a raised eyebrow and everything, but said nothing.

I swear I didn't see anything! Inner defended.

YOU FUCKING LIVE THERE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T SEE-

I don't know, I don't know- She cried.

INNER-

"Sakura-chan…?" Naruto stage-whispered, breaking my rage filled rant before it could properly begin. There was fire running through me. Lava. Magma. An inferno. 

I was going to kill someone.

Inner. Military. Taz-wa. I didn't care. Someone had to die.

"You ok?" He asked in concern.

My response wasn't so much words as it was a closed-mouth moan caught in the back of my throat. The migraine pressing against my skull was relentless: squeezing around my eyes and twisting through my neck. The searing, gaping hole in my memory refused to refill.

It made no sense. Absolutely NO SENSE.

Butchered phrases danced around my mind and dusted my tongue. 'Carrot Top', 'plot', 'coupe'. They were formed just as if I had thought them myself, as if there was an armed, ginger-haired man set on a plot of land right in front of me and that's what my gloriously distracted brain came up with. They were there, I knew they were, and I knew they were real- but much like the disembodied ghosts in a haunted house, I couldn't figure out where they were coming from. And the more I dug and dug and scraped and clawed my way around that fucking hole, the more it seemed to scream. 

There was a list. I knew there was because I remember thinking that I really should start paying attention to that thing, and that I was probably going to die a traditional ADHD trademark death: death by distraction. I remember Inner berating me, telling me that I was hopeless for forgetting it so often and like hell was she going to go down with me, but I was sure- so SURE that conversation ended with me apologizing without really meaning it, and looking at said list after.

And now, it's just… not… there?

I… I didn't forget it. I'll be the first to admit that my memory has to be the worst one on the planet, ever, but that isn't… it's not possible!

That list, that metaphorical item that I had housed in my brain- made by my own thought, that… intangible thing was… it was gone. 

It was gone like an oasis in the desert or a mirage in the sand. It was blurred out like water color painting dipped in oil. It was smeared and scraped out and all evidence to its existence was kept just 6 feet away from my few feet arms, all except the few so fucking unhelpful words I couldn't quite seem to catch.

And the list- the thought, this was a thought, this shouldn't be possible it was a thought- wasn't empty. It had words on it. Words I didn't make. Words Inner didn't make.  

(HAVE FAITH, LITTLE BIRD it said in florush word art. Old penmanship and quill-like strokes. Bold letters and branded implications- how…? How how how how-)

It shouldn't have been possible. It. Was. A. Thought. It was a product of my own making. I made it and thought it and knew it existed because it was there. I knew I made it. I knew it was about my future. I knew it included what was dancing around the forefront of my mind but why oh why could I not figure out what it said? 

Why was I drawing up blank? Why was there a hole? How could it be taken and how could something else be put in its place- it's not possible it was just a thought-

( Why 'little bird' a feral side of me whispered How did it know? How how how- )

I could almost feel my boys and Mr. Military share a 'look'. I could almost hear the interrogation I'd be getting the moment we hit shore, and I could almost taste the useless words twisted on my tongue: half formed with nothing behind them. From the other side of the boat, Tazu-other gave me a pitying smile.

"We'll be in my home soon enough little girl." He assured. I had to swallow back the string of curses that rose up in my chest. He was only trying to help.

( He didn't know I wasn't always so little)

"Yeah Sakura-chan! We're almost there!" Naruto comforted with a small smile. I wanted to punch it off his face. 

( That wasn't fair to him, the kind part of me soothed. He didn't know that wasn't always my name )

Warring with my rage, I forced down my nausea and bit out a smile. "Yeah…."

It was all sharp teeth and no warmth. I almost felt guilty.

( They had no way of knowing, did they? How were they supposed to know?) 

HAVE FAITH, LITTLE BIRD

(How did it know…?)

Before I was taken from her, Momma named me Raven- after the tortured poet she loved and the large, black bird thought to transcend Pluto's shore.

"GET DOWN!!!!"

My mourning for Mr. Rabbit was short lived. It was an innocent creature, one I hoped didn't suffer. Not like we were probably going to. 

I crashed to the ground, dragging the bridge builder with me with my all too small arms. From the corner of my eye I could see Sasuke pulling Naruto down with him, falling to my side in a puff of speckled dust. The whizzing sound that swept above us cradled with it a specific kind of intimidation, and my head was screaming in agony, digging and digging for something that wasn't there.

('Big sword guy' my brian whispered shakily, we thought that, right? Didn't we think that? Was that him? Do we die here?')

Peeking up from scrunched eyebrows, I made the only mental log I was capable of: short, choppy, and simple. 

Sword wedged in tree. Man on sword. Tall, maybe 6'3 or 6'4, muscled. Traditional wear for Hidden in the mist. Mist headband slashed. Sword big enough to stand on. Long range. Powerful. Dangerous. Predator.

I pulled myself to my feet in a lightheaded stupor, covering whatever I could of the bridge builder's body with my small form. A kunia was in my hands before I remembered to pull it out. I wanted nothing more than to be the one being covered.

Naruto shivered in excitement next to me, leaning forward and bracing, readying to run at the threat we knew nothing of- all powered by the thrill only he and Sasuke seemed to know.

"Stay back!" Kakashi ordered, hand held out to stop him. He was met with nothing as my hand had already lashed out to Naruto's wrist, forcibly pulling him back with me and into a Manji formation.

Time was skipping over me like rocks over a flowing creek. One second all I could register was pain, the next was hyper fixated on the men in front of us- one to harm and one to help- and with a pounding of my head the cycle would start again.

I took the forefront. Sasuke took the left, Naruto took the right, and Tazu-so shook behind us.

Thump

Kakashi held the foreground, looking the most severe I'd ever seen him. "This guy's in another league."

The air shuttered with the man's feral grin, hidden by bandages and false nonchalance.

Thump

"Kakashi Hatake of the Sharigan, it is an honor." The man mocked in a low, gravelly tone. His feet made no sound as he jumped down from his perch. He yanked the butcher out with ease.

Sasuke flinched. Naruto tensed. My vision started to blur.

It's just the mist my mind murmured, just the mist...

The Land of Waves seemed to be forever plagued by it, much like The Land of Fire was with heat. This mist, however, was only building: weaving together like fairy-floss, wrapping around us like a tunnel.

"Zabuza Momochi…" Kakashi intoned. I committed the name to memory, hoping I'd be able to find it again.

Naruto's voice shuttered as it cut off, vibrating deep in his chest. "Who…?"

My lungs filled and filled and filled the longer we stood. It was in an almost comical slowness that I understood: like a villain cut in half, unsure of how they ever could have lost to such a child.

I can't breathe. I realized dumbly. The kunia looped in my wrist twitched like the ticking of a clock. My vision unfocused and refocused to the same time.

You can, Inner promised. The sound went in and out like a truck's horn on a passing highway. You will.

Syrup coated my throat and smothered my airways. 

Sharp and suffocating. 

All-encompassing. 

Agonizing.

Something was wrong.

"He's an A ranked missing-nin from The Village Hidden in the Mist, nicknamed The 'Demon of the Mist'. Stay back you guys, I'll have to deal with him."

The man's taunting laugh chilled even the smallest of my capillaries. My mouth popped open in desperate, small huffs.

"So news of me has reached even a man of your level? I am honored." He rumbled. "But I've got a job to do, so I'm going to need to kill the old man now."

His hands came up in a few hand signs, balancing the cleaver in his grip. I couldn't track which ones he flew through, only registering once they were done.

The mist came down on us to the point where I couldn't see anything: not Kakashi, not Tazu-po, not even my boys who I could hear panting just beside me. Chill turned into icy-hot spray peppered across anything it could touch, and just like that, Zabuza was gone and I was drowning.

Inner… I whimpered silently, straining to take a breath- to open my airways to take anything that wasn't the enemy man's frigid aura. 

It was… oh god it was everywhere. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I was shaking, so sure I was shaking, but I couldn't connect the thoughts to the dots and pick them apart outside of me. There was only the man that had promised the bridge builder's demise and what he left behind. 

It was tension. 

Suspense. 

Intent.

Killing intent, Inner shuttered almost inaudibly. Zabuza's voice cut through the abyss: a lance lodged in the chest of an already poisoned victim.

"Heart." He cooed sadistically. The tang of his tongue slithered sluggishly down every part of my skin. "Spleen. Liver. Kidneys. Spine. So many locations. Where to go first?"

He left the question hanging, as if relishing how something unanswered tore us down so quickly. There was a clinking of plated metal to my left, ricocheting between my frayed neurons, and I started as a shout echoed across the blind space.

"Sasuke!" The name jolted me back even though it wasn't mine. Like an electric shock to my brain, Kakashi's drawl kept me painfully present, pinning me to the earth. 

"Calm down." He said from all around us. "I'll protect you with my life, so don't worry."

It was meant to be a comfort. I could only see it laid out as a wonderfully exploitable taunt.

"Oh really?", the air hissed.

A shiver went down my spine and pin pricks rippled over my back. My stomach lurched- sharp turned into fine, fine then into ice, and then ice into water and salt caked across my skin- painfully cracking and croaking and molding- turning Inner's soothing assurances into a terrified scream.

I spun on my heel: an impulsive, nerve-laced action armed with deadly gripped kunai- and hoped to Artemis I wasn't wrong.

Metal sliced against skin.

Skin slipped into water.

I wasn't wrong.

The water clone that had appeared in between Tazu-wata and myself exploded in a spray of lukewarm water, dousing the side of my arm with PG-representation of arterial flow.

His stance is open when he prepares to swing, I noted dizzily, sparing a glance at Tazu-fu's gobsmacked expression before spinning unsteadily back into position. From the expansive mass of nothingness, Zabuza's eyes met mine.

"Oh~? What's this?" He drawled out gleefully. "Kohona finally pushing out some real shinobi now?"

A shift at my right had Naruto just within my vision, mirroring the same action at my left. 

"What do you mean 'real' shinobi?" Naruto gritted out loudly, calling the man's attention to himself. My joints spasmed like a puppet fitted with the wrong limbs. I wanted to take his tongue and shove it back in his mouth. Tape it in there forever. "I'M A REAL SHINOBI!"

Zabuza chuckled darkly.

Shut up shut up shut up-

"No…" He mused. "You're nothing more than children."

Somewhere out in the sea I was being cast out on, I could only agree.

"But you…" His eyes slid over me, sending shooting, stabbing pain through my temples. The mist hung in front of me condensed with the soft ' hah' that slid through my lips. "You're interesting. Tell me… did you aim for the neck on purpose, little girl?"

Suddenly Kakashi was in front of me protectively, blocking me from Zabuza's sight.

I take it back, I thought desperately, taking a step back, nearer to the client. No don't do that, don't block my line of sight, I need to see-

"This is between you and me Zabuza." Kakashi threatened lowley.

Zabuza chuckled, deeply amused. "As you wish."

His hand went up again, and I braced myself for the impact.

"Water Style: Water Dragon no Jutsu!"

The surge brought me to my knees.

Blinding pain exploded behind my eyes. A small "Fa-" sound made it past my lips in an attempt to curse, but that's all that made it out.

Fuck. I thought as I hit the ground, kunia clattering beside me. FUCK. Fuck fUCk FUCK FUCK it HURtss fuck it hurts fuck IT HURTS -

Blurred forms passed in front of me, and Naruto's voice came from far, far away.

"Sakura-chan? Sakura-chan!"

Water dripped down my cheeks. Down my chin.

My mouth hung open in audible gasps.

There was pressure on my arm, but my vision was blacking out. My feet, my body, my head, my fingers- they chittered and chattered and something thudded next to me but I couldn't make out what it was.

"Sa-k-"

Pain seared across every thought and branded flashing, rapid lights against my fluttering lids, strobing and stretching and pulling and dragging me down into unconsciousness kicking and shaking and moaning and screaming.

Just as I was pulled under, four beautifully scripted words lit up in front of me- like a lasered message on a rotting plank of wood:

HAVE FAITH, LITTLE BIRD

"Wannabe…?" Inner's voice drifted to me slowly, hovering just outside of what I could ignore. I turned over with an audible groan, doing my best to try and block it out anyways. Every part of me hurt- like when Sasuke got trigger happy with the wolves. "Wannabe," she tried again, "you up?"

I curled in on myself, refusing to open my eyes and acknowledge my new found consciousness.  "Not now Inner," I mumbled into my arm. "Not good time." 

I heard a small pained sound above me. Like, directly above me.

"Uh, no." Inner emphasized a tad hysterically, her tone effectively disintegrating my desire to keep sleeping and encouraging me to get the fuck up.

"No, I think this is actually the perfect time."

I tried to ask just what she was talking about, but as I opened my eyes and saw exactly what she was referring to, all that came out was "What do?"

And honestly. What do?

Pulling myself up and turning in sloppy, half formed circles, I gaped at the scene in front of me.

We were in… a field, I suppose you could say. A space of land that went on and on and on, not really having a visible beginning or end. The ground at my feet wasn't made of any definable substance, only charading as foliage in a series of interwoven petals and blooms, much like how old paintings will pass on blotches of color as a pretty woman with far away eyes. The longer I stared at it and the more I tried to focus on it the more it peacefully changed: going from lilies to burlap in the literal blink of an eye. The sky hanging above it was stunning- no clouds or planets to be seen, but a constant, transitioning color wheel: like someone melted the sunrise and sunset together and told them to share. Everything around me was cast in one of two ways: either it was vibrant in proper color, or it was interlayed in soft tones befitting of a chapel ceiling.

And then there was Inner.

What the shit.

I rubbed my eyes in deliberate circles, even shaking my head once or twice to try and throw off the image.

Inner stared at me, unamused.

"Are you… in black and white?"

"Not the issue here." She replied flatly.

I took her in slowly: she was… Sakura, basically. The same unfairly plump lips, the same long, full hair… she looked like Bubblegum did before I got to her. She was even wearing the evil dress. But…

I walked a circle around her, trying to shake off the effect. It was like a moving Polaroid. Her body was in some ways real: moving in real time and reflecting light as any 3-D object does, but the light didn't adjust with her. From behind to the side to her front, her body had the same shadows and the same highlights- regardless of where the actual light source was. Like she was literally colored in.

Puzzling over the phenomenon, I drew a blank. "How... is it not?"

In a 'oh my god, how are you so stupid' motion I was becoming all too familiar with, she gestured to the space behind me. I turned.

"Holy-!"

There, sitting on a regal throne made of ornate vines and thick, strong branches that totally wasn't there a second ago- I swear, was a… being. They were tall and lithe, broad and sturdy, and so ridiculously pretty and devastatingly handsome that I was having a hard time figuring out if they were within my flirting parameters. They wore a delicately draped wrap that could've been anything from a dress to a cloak to a toga, but it was made from a shimmering, fluttering material that distinctly reminded me of butterflies. They wore no shoes or any other clothing other than that. Their hair was both wild and silky, coming down their shoulders in bunches and waves made of both roasted brown, burnt red, and aged black. Their skin was a dark, olive tone that went up from their toes to their hands, and if I were to have to bet my life on guessing whether they were young or old I'd probably tell you to save yourself some trouble and just shoot me.

"Hello little bird," They greeted softly, echoing like windchimes. "I've been waiting quite a long time for you. Isn't it time you've given me thanks?"

Inner nudged me into speaking, I was so dumbstruck.

"Who…." I asked, my voice rough, looking around in confusion. The outlandish quality of wherever we were made it hard for my mind to catch up, but it didn't take long for me to notice a very important, notably absent fact. "Wait… where the fuck is this? Where are my boys!?"

Inner hissed at my rudeness, but the being didn't seem to take any offence. 

"They are well." They assured, serenely. They had a Zen-like quality to them that I found both comforting and infuriating. "You will see them once you wake."

"Wake?" I echoed, looking around once more. "What do you mean wake? Am I knocked out?"

"Ah, yes." The being sighed forlornly, propping their cheek on their chin. Even their movement had a 'nothing but chill' effect. "You have my apologies for that. I wasn't aware how fragile your mind was before I began the process."

"Process." I repeated blankly, dipping my head into a tight lipped bob. The being smiled back gently, eyes hooded in a half lid stare, clueless to the unspoken question.

After a long, awkward moment of silence, I drew out a breath. "Right. So….?" I stared at them expectantly, waiting for them to expand. They did not. No, what they did instead was run their fingers through their hair and start humming.

"Ok!" I cut in abruptly, shrugging off Inner's harsh nudge. "Ok, ok, ok. Hah, so let's back up a second here. I am… where exactly?" I asked.

"You are here." They answered simply, beginning to braid their hair.

I pressed my palms together firmly, trying to distract my irritation. "Yeeeeaaaahh…" I drew out slowly, taking a long deep breath, "and here is…?"

"With me." They said.

"No, no. I got that. But here is where specifically?"

They paused their fingerwork with a tired look, one that felt well-used. "Does it matter?"

"YES, IT DOES."

The being sighed almost pitifully, leaning back into their throne. "You mortals and your logistical habits. I had thought I picked you well for your- as you mortals say 'outside the box' thinking, but I see a human is a human after all."

"Picked." I echoed flatly, looking at Inner, to the being and back again. The hysteric edge Inner had when I first woke up had now seeped into my tone, and I was starting to understand just how much deep shit I was in. "Um. Just. Can we- yeah. Let's just start over, yeah? So I am here," I said, pointing to the patterned ground, "with you," I pointed at them, "and here is…?"

The being chuckled, like a parent amused at their toddlers inquisitiveness. "Such an interesting question." They hummed, twirling a lock in their fingers. "Let us say… the burning bush."

"Bush."

Inner and I shared a look at the vaguely familiar, yet distinctly Christianic reference. Oh god. 

"Yes…" The being mused, "Well, human labels are often frivolous and inaccurate- not to mention socially biased - but you may call me God if you so wished."

I tensed. I was completely skipping over the fact that they heard that from my thoughts for the sake of my sanity. Really, I was. But that didn't stop the dead "What." from spilling out of my mouth.

The being blinked at me innocently, sincerely. "What what?" They asked. 

Words failed me as I slowly and painfully connected the dots.

"You're… god." I said more than asked. The colors around the being rearranged and danced, as if pleased for the formal recognition.

"I could be," They allowed. "I am in some circles. Although I am sad to say that your world has lost sight of me in favor of more monotheistic practices."

I swallowed, digesting that information in a tangible pause.

"So…. not god?"

Beside me, Inner hissed underneath her breath. "Wannabe!"

She was ignored.

"Perhaps." The perhaps-god appeased.

It was in the stretching, zen-filled, suffocating silence that followed that I decided that- god, not-god, or otherwise- I was done.

"Uuuuuummmm… yeah. So. Yes-god, no-god- whatever- could I maybe wake up now? Back to my boys? Zabuza and Military were-"

The being cut me off fluidly, as if I wasn't talking at all. "Their altercation has already ended, little bird." They assured. "And I am still waiting to hear your thanks."

I bit down the sassy comment on the tip of my tongue, putting my boys in the forefront of my mind. "Thanks…? For what?"

The being leaned back further with an imperious flair, raising their head in clear, unmistakable pride.

"Your ascension." They answered calmly with a raised eyebrow.

"My…? Wait… you- you put me here? " I stuttered back, far less calmly.

"You lack the capital."

"Ca-?" I faded off, burying the implications and all but SHOVING my train of thought back on track. Inner came to stand behind me, hovering with unanswered questions of her own. "The- that's… no. No no. NO. Uh, back to the subject. You," I ground out clearly, pointing to the king/queen/god/thing, "as in you, put me," I continued, pointing to myself, "as in me me, Here, as in a military murder-doctrine fun-time manga?"

Their eyebrow inched up further. "Odd choice of phrasing I must say, but that is correct. And I will have thanks for it."

I gaped at them, trying to funnel my multiple lines of thought into a coherent question. What came out in the end was: "Why?"

The being frowned, growing irritated. "You think I do not deserve thanks for what I've done for you?" They asked dangerously.

My illogical, emotional, stupid monkey brain didn't pick up on the tone. "I'm trying to figure out why you did it at all!"

Perhaps-God hummed deeply, settling further in their throne. "I was merely breaking the cycle, little bird. Reincarnation is a methodical process, and it takes unprecedented methods to alter its course."

"Reincarnation." I repeated dumbly, not hiding my aggravation. Perhaps-God nodded sagely, turning their head to look off into nowhere like an over dramatic piece of shi-

Inner slapped my thigh in warning.

"Yes…" They sighed sadly, as if they were sorry to have to deal with me at all, "The Moon Godess's grandchildren never end well for me, I'm afraid, no matter how many times they are reborn. With this turn being their third life, I'll admit I had gotten slightly desperate."

The hole in my memory throbbed dully. 

"Moon what? Please tell me you're kidding."

Perhaps-God gave me a surprised look, then relaxed into something more apologetic. "Ah, yes. You don't know anymore, do you? That would be my fault. I overstepped my bounds in how much I was allowed to interfere and was forced to adjust. It is of no matter."

"It kinda is." I argued angrily. Perhaps-God glared down on me, sitting higher and straighter.

"You think it is your place to decide that?"

At that point Inner hastily put herself in between us, raising her hands nervously.

"U-um… Kami-sama….?" She asked carefully, blocking me off from going any further. "If you put Wannabe here…. then does that mean you know where Sakura is?"

The being tilted their head in confusion. "Sakura?" They asked.

"The body I'm wearing." I seethed loudly. In one smooth motion Inner had me in a head-lock, her hand covering my mouth, smothering what I had to say next, the little traitor. 

"Mmph-!"

Perhaps-God watched us greedily, as if we were an interesting show to keep them entertained. "Ahhhhhh… yes. You mean the original soul. My deepest apologies, but she's gone."

I fell to the ground as Inner lost her grip.

"Gone…? Wha- WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S GONE?!" She cried, stomping her feet and nearly missing my hands as I shoved myself up in shock. The being watched on detached, heaving a long suffering sigh. 

"Her soul was sent back into the cycle when the other was inserted." They explained slowey, as if talking to an ape. "It's only natural after all."

"Natural?!" I shrieked, taking over when Inner choked over her grief and couldn't find the words. "This- this isn't natural! Why the fuck am I where her soul is supposed to be?!"

"It was necessary." They explained hotly, bristling at our fury. "The girl's fate wasn't enough to maintain the balance. She wasn't meant for it."

"She's a part of the friggin series!"

"She was wrongly suited and far too weak." They argued. The vast space echoed with my scream.

"SHE WAS TWELVE!!! " 

The being glared at me disdainfully, standing up and bringing themselves to their full height. "I daresay…" they began in a soft, predatory coo, stalking down toward us, "I hear anger in your tone, mortal. I have done you a great service. I even bestowed upon you gifts. Is this how you show your thanks?"

Inner drew back. I didn't.

"Gifts?"

"To be a child of The God Tree is no small feat." They lulled out gently. "To be connected to its fruit is an even greater honor."

Pretty words in a pretty tone, I mentally hissed At what cost? 

"What does that even mean?!?" I demanded, circling them as they were me. Inner drew back further, keeping out of our way.

"I will not use the term you mortals have chosen for it." They grumbled. "To have the great gift and honor of being One With the Land and then to go and call it something as plebian-sounding as 'sensor'-"

"Well, you didn't seem to have any trouble handling us 'plebians' directly, did you-"

"It was necessary-"

"Necessary?! " Inner skreiched, finally finding her voice, "YOU TOOK HER--"

Perhaps-God threw out their arms, stilling the ever changing scenery and cutting off our voices as they formed in our thoat. 

"SILENCE!" 

Inner flinched, stumbling backwards. I held my ground, conveying the words they took from me with a firey glare. They held that proudly, taking on that same greedy expression as earlier. 

"I have done you a great service Raven-born," they seethed, coming in front of me and staring me down, "and I will have thanks for it. You were born of another world and gifted to this one by my hand and I will not stand for you or your shade to spit on that! NOW," they yelled, shaking the scape with their fury and cutting off the magic holding my tongue. "THANK ME."

I coughed out a scoff, raising my fist. "Thank you? You're NUTS! I'M GONNA-!"

"Wannabe-!"

The being cut us both off, baring their teeth in animalistic glee. "Good. Good. Now you may wake."

At that declaration the edges of the space turned inward, like a piece of paper over an open flame.

"Wait wait wait," I cried out hurriedly, hopping away from the curling edges inching near me. Inner did so as well, hugging me to escape their conquest. "HOLD UP hold UP HOLD UP! I ain't suited for this either! WHAT THE FUCK!"

From across the smoking and wilting haze, Perhaps-God grinned harshly at me, eyes filled with glee, greed, and amusement. Their voice echoed ominously around me, like wind chimes in the middle of a blizzard-storm.

"Make no mistake Raven-born, you are perfectly suited for this role. Unstable and unpredictable as you may be, your possessiveness is unparalleled and you do not fear death. It's the perfect combination to fight a god, don't you think?" They intoned with an evil grin. "I cannot wait to see how you do knowing nothing but this."

"Wait just a fucking minute-"

The fire ate up all the paper. Both they and I were gone before I could finish. 

I woke up to a notably not pink ceiling, gently covered in a horrendously comfortable pumpkin jacket and the wonderful, sunshiney blonde by my side.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried tearily, noticing I was back by my sorry attempt to sit up. "You're awake! You-" 

He cut off as soon as I managed it, eyes wide and scared like Sasuke's was just across the room. "Wait… your eyes… h-how come they're brown?"

".... Brown?"

( Momma swore up and down I was gonna come out with my dad's hair- black as night and sleek as silk. I came out with hers: an old-oak brown three shades darker than my eyes)

Carefully and slowly I held up my hand in a 'hold on' motion. I gently eased myself out of the bed I was laying on, tiptoed around Naruto and Sasuke's concerned comments and on to the outside balcony, balanced my waist against the railing with a princess-like delicacy, double checked that there was no one I would disturb, and then screamed as long and as loud as my body would physically allow.

Chapter Text

"So… just to make sure I got this right…" I drawled out tiredly, rubbing small, firm circles in the base of my temples with aching fingers. I felt like the belle of the ball with all the attention I was getting: being propped up at the head of the bridge builder's table by his very persuasive daughter the moment she heard me scream to the heavens, layered in what was probably every spare blanket the woman had to offer, and then subsequently offered in no particular order: water, food, medicine, and a friendly act of homicide to whoever I deemed fit. My boys had trailed after me as she dragged me away, both just as overbearingly caring as the daughter was but also politely (threateningly) insistent that absolutely no one get near me other than them- something which I could only be grateful for. Because, while I was sure I had more wonderfully fun gifts in store due to they-who-I-fucking-refuse-to-name (and also, now that I think about it, didn't actually have a name for) something had become glaringly obvious after I mentally came back from my mini-break down: what was ALMOST tangible chakra touching at the base of my senses with every jutsu or chakra pulse cast before the whole god-fuckery thing (a subject which I was so not touching for at least another week) had of course  turned into an absolutely tangible and BLINDINGLY colorful onslaught of every fucking sense my poor little body could register with nothing, and I do mean absolutely nothing held back.

In a stunning picture of beauty, eloquence, and grace, the moment I lifted my head and caught the tail end of the natural chakra coming off the trees- which was, by the way, dizzying as all fuck. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life but if you ever fancy giving hallucinogens a try in a 6x6 room covered in splatter paint, you might get a clue- I damn near fell off the railing. Naruto and Sasuke had all but hauled me back inside by my shirt like a ragdoll- probably fearing my imminent demise. (Which, now that I think about it, was probably the reason why none of these people were letting me stand up. Did they think I was gonna pass out again?)

"Zabuza went all full-force badass and I passed out," I continued, running a hand over my forehead in an attempt to ease the pressure. The migraine was absolute murder. "So then Kakashi got serious and also went full-force badass, but didn't get very far because he... got caught in a bubble?"

"Water Jutsu." Sasuke corrected from in front of me, pushing yet another glass of water across the space between us. So far he'd forced me to drink at least 7 of them, and hadn't shown any signs of stopping.

 "Right." I allowed, nodding seriously and poking at the smudged surface with a slight sulk. I get that he was trying to help, really, I did, but if I drank any more water I was going to turn into a fish and fly away along this place's Artemis-forsaken climate. "Water Jutsu Bubble . And you and Naruto had to go get him?"

"We broke the bubble all by ourselves!" Naruto claimed happily, keeping his voice low as he wrapped yet another blanket around my shoulders. The hand near my cheek was a bright blend of deep blue, pale yellow, and- I can't believe I'm actually saying this- orange that burned hotter in his pride. The offset of heat didn't quite come from his body, instead coming off him like an object that was left in the sun too long, and it was bright as all hell. I fought the urge to squint my eyes. I knew from what little experience I had that it didn't help. "Using what you taught us in the bell test!"

Buried underneath the mountain of blankets and carefully thumbing the trigger to what I swear was going to be my newest evolution, I thought back to the bell test. Did I actually teach them anything?

"Insistent hammering?" I guessed with a cringe. The air around him tasted of a warm rain front. The actual non-chakra air was humid and muggy. The combination left an unpleasant sensation on my tongue.

"Henging as an object." Sasuke corrected again, looking at the glass gracing my fingertips significantly. Looking around the blues and greys running over his form like a rippling creek, I pouted but nevertheless picked up the stupid thing and started drinking.

If Naruto's chakra was a mass of heat and energy, then Sasuke's was a hollowed out well: vast, deep, and constantly moving and fluxing so I couldn't be sure what tone I was looking at at any given moment. It was both soothing and terrifying in its own way, kinda like those rivers with water so pure you have no trouble seeing the bottom- and have no idea how far it goes until you dive under.

"Right," I said after a few gulps, feeling it roll around in my stomach. "That. And then we won?"

Naruto grumbled as he plopped down next to me, our thighs touching. His chakra was affectionate and eager: nuzzling along the both of us with playfulness of something that felt safe. "No, not really. This really weird kid in a mask came in with a couple of needles and killed him and took him away like it was nothing!"

"Hunter-nin." Sasuke interjected, pointing at the glass and staring me down. I groaned in the back of my throat and gulped down the rest, slamming it against the table once it was empty and laying my head down next to it. Say what you will about crummy, old wooden tables and just why would you want that in such a humid environment- the cool, almost cold (if I imagined hard enough) feeling it gave me on my forehead was everything .

It's always been the little things in life, hasn't it? I thought sluggishly. The silence that met me was both welcome and disquieting. It'd been like that since I woke up: Inner's been in what I've come to think of as her 'room', silently grieving over the loss of Bubblegum. I could still feel her in a sense, but she wasn't as present as I was used to. I let her have at it, too busy confronting my own mental hurtle to be of much help, but the echoes of my own thoughts weren't doing me many favors.

Oh, to be a quiet, young gay waiting at the table for my crazy to come back from the war...

"Convenient..." I mumbled into the surface, relishing the feel of my lips as they dragged on the polished surface. If you don't know what I'm talking about you've either been stupidly lucky in the mental department or you're a goddamned liar. "Don't trust it."

My eyelids slowly fluttered as I felt Naruto start running his fingers through my hair, much like I did with him. 

Thank Artemis for different love languages… I sighed to myself. His chakra practically snuggled against mine, warm and full and abundant, easing my pain like a well placed hot-pad. I could get used to this.

"Kakashi-sensei said he was gone." Naruto said carefully.

"Don't trust 'im either." I replied shamelessly, not missing a beat. Peeking up from Naruto's fingers and unto the ceiling past them, I squinted. Seeing past things like walls was harder than seeing past things like, I dunno, distance or air, but I could vaguely make out a pitiful mass of blues and whites before my eyes noped out and got all fuzzy. I propped myself on my chin, burrowing deeper in my mountain and blinking repeatedly until my eyes refocused. "Is he still out?" I asked.

Sasuke glared at the same spot, taking my (empty!) glass without looking and switching it for another. The water sloshed around and over the rim, splattering across the shined, aged surface. A fleck hit my cheek. "Yeah. Chakra exhaustion."

"Probably from the Sharigan." I hypothesized, pulling at the memories delicately. It was a fray of pain and chopped up sequences, but the name still lingered. I eyed Sasuke from around the stupid mass of liquid, remembering just where that particular brand of eye came from. "Wanna talk about it?"

Sasuke scoffed, settling back in his seat, crossing his arms, and sending me a pointed look at the brown being reflected back at me that had nothing to do with tables or wood. "You first."

I groaned softly, both pleased and annoyed that Sasuke was the least destractable out of the three of us. On the one hand it was great because if he wasn't the one on track then I had to be and most of the time I wasn't, but on the other hand I really didn't want to be on this track. The heat stroking around my neck shimmered in poorly disguised interest as Naruto's petting slowed.

"Right…" I muttered dejectedly. "Me first. I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said God came to me in a dream and bestowed me with gifts?"

Sasuke watched me slowly and calculativally. "Did he?" He asked.

"Perhaps."

He turned it over, pursing his lips. "I wouldn't." He said finally.

I thumped my forehead back into its previous position with a sigh. "Thought so."

"But Sakura-chan," Naruto cut in innocently, laying his head in his arms and settling next to mine. His eyes went over mine just as slowly and calculativally as Sasuke's did, probably taking in every shade of chocolate my eyes had to offer. "Isn't that a dojutsu? Like Kakashi-sensei's eye?"

Now wasn't that just the question of the hour?

"I dunno, could be," I said tiredly, blinking against his metaphorical glare. I thought about turning my head to avoid it but then thought better of it. This was something I'd have to get used to. Also, turning my head would involve work and Artemis, I was so tired. "It's possible. But Haruno's don't generally got that."

"You're a civilian." Sasuke stated from somewhere above me, somehow making it sound like a question but not. 

I hummed in agreement, feeling the vibrations travel down my cheek. Thankfully, Bubblegum's memories were rather clear on that particular issue. "Very. Momma's a merchant and Daddy's a fool in love."

Naruto bounced in his spot, eyes excited. "Really Sakura-chan? That's so cool! What do they sell?"

I shuffled through the memories, intrigued. Now there's a question. 

Predictably, I was denied. 

"Don't know." I answered glumly, internally grumbling, "They sell stuff outside of Konoha and never take me with them. Something about me being an 'occupational hazard'."

Tazuna's daughter- who, as I'm sure you've probably surmised, I had no idea the name of- made a pained sound from the kitchen.

"Sounds suspicious." Sasuke commented, ignoring her.

"Sounds stupid." Naruto added.

I hummed noncommittally. "Sounds like my life."

Peeking around the living room and the silently fuming woman hovering a few feet out, I noted another absence a little more close to home. "Where's Tazu-ko?"

"Tazuna." Sasuke corrected offhandedly, softly poking at the water glass in a move I pretended not to see. "He's at work."

"Mm. Guess the bridge isn't gonna build itself. We have something on him?"

Naruto raised his hand excitedly, like we were in class and for once he actually knew the answer. "I got a clone, Sakura-chan!"

"Good job," I praised, eyes closed, practically melting into the wood. "Anything so far?"

"Nope! Just long hours of lugging around heavy stuff."

I nodded absentmindedly, opening my eyes again. That sounded pretty standard, if not concerningly exploitable. Clones weren't very sturdy, were they?

"And the adult?" I went on, absently clicking all the pieces of information together like a puzzle. "Any idea how long he'll be out?"

Naruto propped himself on his elbows, looking away guiltily. "Uh, no… we were… actually gonna ask you that Sakura-chan." He admitted, looking thoroughly ashamed for some reason. 'We don't know enough about it."

"You can do it later though," Sasuke interjected importantly, leaning forward on his knees. "It's not like he's dead."

"Checked his pulse yet?" I asked simply.

"No…"

"Breathing normally?"

"Yep!" 

I pulled the blankets around me with a long, drawn out sigh. "Close enough." 

Tazuna's home was small, quaint, and honestly the most lived-in place I'd seen since waking up Here. There were scratches and scuffs along the walls and the furniture, but they were in places where a child might play or where many hands had passed over. Holes along the stairwell spoke of many pictures and memories hung, all rotated to fit the newest season. The appliances of the home were cracked and faded: all with time and use. The kitchen window had plants lining, all well looked after, properly nurtured, and loved.

It made my skin crawl. The very homey-ness of it, the peacefulness of the house and the air and the obvious care gone into each floorboard sent an itch up my skin, begging for a break from the monotony. It was nice, but it was also highly suspicious- like a little old lady standing on the end of the street handing out homemade cookies for free.

"So what's our plan?" I asked no one in particular, pushing the feeling away.

This time Sasuke joined Naruto in looking guilty, clenching his fists and glaring at his lap. Naruto trailed off uncertainly. "Um… we don't…"

"Don't got one?"

"... No."

I pulled myself up back into a sitting position, already missing the coolness across my temples.

"It's fine, Naruto." I assured lightly, at odds with just how heavy I felt. "I can come up with one for us real quick."

"But it's not fine Sakura-chan!" He argued, grasping my hand in his. Sasuke nodded in agreement.

"But…" I started in confusion, feeling a vague sense of deja-vu at our positioning, "It is. It's just a plan. It's not that much."

Actually, I already had several mental rough drafts going in the time we were talking, but I wasn't going to tell them that. I was supposed to be, as the daughter phrased with emphasis, 'resting'.

"But you're sick!" Naruto argued more passionately, "And pale! You shouldn't have to do so much!" 

I sent him a small smile, touched by his concern. "Someone has to Naru. And it'll be just this time, ok? Next time we can do it all together. I can show you my process and I can teach you how. Sound good?"

His hue shrank and ruffled in defeat, his shoulders drooping. "Can't we do it today?"

I shook my head sadly. "Sorry love, I don't think we have that kind of time."

Sasuke glared at his lap harder, as if it were to blame. The daughter warded off in the kitchen shuffled awkwardly, clasping her hands to her chest.

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" She asked in obvious worry, looking at me up and down.

I shook my head again, hair flinging around me.

If only, if only. 

"No…" I said decisively, for once being absolutely sure of one of the 'what-if's running across my mind. "Big Money Man's already sent out two squads in the last few days to get your dad, and it sounds like he has plenty of money to hire another. We have to be prepared for the possibility of another attack before Kakashi wakes up."

It only made sense to attack the enemy at their weakest, and we were in some rough shape. And… I thought dimly, flashing back to just how exactly I left the Big They. I may have also pissed off a god…

I wasn't sure how petty they'd be.

Sasuke grunted in agreement. "She's right…" He said, ignorant to my deity delima, "With Kakashi out of the picture we have to be on our toes."

I nodded along seriously. Aw, he's so smart!

"First thing we should start with is an inventory of our arsenal," He continued, pinning me down with a stern stare. "So. Any idea what those eyes of yours do?" 

I shrunk, dismayed to be forced back into the conversation I had briefly avoided. Little shit. Why's he got to be so smart?

"So far it seems to make chakra visible." I drew out slowly, concentrating on him, my chakra, and the pool around my eyes. I pulled and prodded at the flow, trying to ebb away the supply, but it wouldn't budge. "And doesn't really turn off… Nothing else?"

I squinted at him in an attempt to see deeper, like how you squint to see better when you need glasses but don't have them on, but it had no effect. The colors fluttered and flexed around him in his curiosity, but essentially stayed the same.

Naruto flared beside me in giddy interest. "Really?!" He asked, much like a child, "What color's mine Sakura-chan?!"

I bit my tongue lightly. No, I wasn't going to tell him. It'd take his obsession to a whole new level.

"Blue. Yellow." I said shortly.

He drooped lowly, like flower deprived of water.

"Just that?" He asked disappointingly, sitting back.

Oh Artemis, I am so whipped.

I caved after all of half a second. "..... and orange."

He sprung to his feet with a wide, elated grin, knees almost knocking over my ignored offering as he hit the table.

"HELL YES!" He exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

As he was celebrating, Sasuke carefully raised his eyebrow- silently questioning me. I responded with a grim shake of my head. While making it up in order to cheer Naruto up was something I'd do, the universe was unforgiving. His chakra was orange, and he was going to be insufferable for the next few days.

Sasuke sniffed, completely disgusted. "Of course it is…."

I smiled silently. I agreed with his revulsion, but it wasn't as if I could say much without sounding like a complete hypocrite. I mean, I was still wearing the pumpkin jacket after all.

My smile grew as I caught Sasuke side-eyeing me not-so sneakily. 

"Yours is greyish," I offered offhandedly, like sharing that information was my idea to begin with, "with lots of blue."

Sasuke leaned in in interest, huffing when Naruto piped up before he could ask anything.

"Really?" Naruto said in surprise. "I thought for sure it'd be red with his fire fetish."

There was a choking sound from the kitchen.

"... fire fetish?" Sasuke asked, annoyed.

"Pyromania." I supplied importantly.

Sasuke bristled with a grunt. "I don't have a fire fetish."

"Whaaaa…. It's something else?!" Naruto exclaimed with an over exaggerated swing of his arms, causing me to giggle. "But Teme, you throw it around, like, all the time!"

"I don't have a fetish." He hissed, eyes flickering to me. While it was totally in my power to save him from Naruto's line of questioning, I had 8 glasses of water that needed answering for.

"Everyone has a fetish." I chimed in evilly.

Sasuke shot me a betrayed look, arms half outstretched to probably strangle one of us, but the daughter cut in before we could really get into it.

"Fetish?!" She shreiked in alarm, turning all eyes on her. "How do you kids even know that word? You're much too young!" She turned to each one of us, hands on her hips in self-righteous fury. "Do your parents know about the kind of things you all talk about on missions?"

All three of us stared at her blankly. 

"My parents are dead." Naruto said finally.

"Mine too." Sasuke added.

She gaped at us in the silence afterwards, clutching at the countertop and looking paler than I was.

"Mine aren't." I added helpfully. 

She looked incredibly alarmed, turning a subtle shade of green I could only empathize with.

Welcome to my world. I thought with pity. The poor woman only got paler and paler- probably only have had proper, healthy adult-child relationships in her life prior to meeting our train wreak of a family. Good luck.

"Ah. Well." I hummed, getting back to the task at hand. "Plan? That's what we were doing, right?"

Naruto settled back down beside me with a frown. "I thought we were checking on Kakashi-sensei first."

I hummed again, this time deeper and more lethargic. "Hmmm… True…" I admitted, snuggling my mountain around me like a cacoon. "Ya think he'll kick the bucket before I get the chance?"

Sasuke huffed in amusement, propping his chin on his palm. "Che, we're not the ones who would know."

"Also true."

I sighed, relishing in the feel of comfort and warmth. Naruto had started playing with my hair again and it was making me terribly sleepy.

"It's about… a 5 percent chance, by the way," I yawned, dipping my head to rest on Naruto's shoulder. It was warm and his chakra was snuggly. Great plan. 20/10. "Under half of a percent with a proper pulse… did we check that?"

"Nope!"

My consciousness warred with me. "Ungh… Decisions, decisions… is falling asleep on this wonderful table an option?"

" No- " The daughter cut in, words tripping and getting lost on her tongue. We waited for her to finish, but whatever else she had to say seemed to have gotten twisted there, coming out instead as a choked keen. 

"Mmm. So the lady speaks…" I declared, refocusing on the problem at hand and the ceiling nestled above me. The sorry pool of blue and white was still moving and still present, so I mentally declared Mr. Military probably ok for the moment.

"Option A has stairs involved." I decided. "B doesn't."

"So plan?" Naruto asked.

"Plan." I agreed.

The daughter looked conflicted. "What if your sensei wakes up?" She asked. 

Sasuke scoffed at her concern. "He's suffering from extensive chakra exhaustion. Even if he does wake up, it's not like he's going anywhere. The mission takes priority."

"Priority over a man's life." The woman clarified rigidly.

I nodded into Naruto's neck, sighing in exhaustion. "Prioritizing your dad's life over his, actually, but basically."

She stiffened, another cat hanging off her tongue. "We…" she choked out, "We never asked for that."

"You asked for our protection." Sasuke reminded her simply, as if that told her everything she needed to know. "You gave us the job."

Naruto nodded along enthusiastically.  "Yeah! We're gonna protect Tazuna no matter what!"

"The Kitty Chamber has no place for me." I muttered, sitting up straight. "Evolution calls."

Her eyes went over each of us fearfully, as if she couldn't understand what she was seeing or wasn't sure if we were serious. "Tha- That's not right!" She argued. "You shouldn't have to do that! You're just kids!"

I blinked blandly up at her. "Shinobi rhetoric doesn't give a damn about age." I said.

Her mouth popped open wordlessly, then closed only to open again. "There's an adult upstairs-" She tried desperately, searching for something I couldn't quite name.

I shut it down harshly. We didn't have the time.

"Yeah? And which one of the two is sitting at your kitchen table, fully conscious and capable of helping protect your dad?"

At that she started crying, and for the life of me I couldn't pinpoint why. Didn't she ask for us to be here? Weren't we here to save her from the grief of losing her father?

"It… it isn't right…"

I cut the conversation off before my own twisted feelings could get in the way.

"Yeah, well. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Who fucking knows? But you can't beg the devil for mercy and cry when he doesn't send out a saint. Now" I emphasized strongly, turning my back on the weeping woman and focusing on my boys, "what do we have left over?"

Chapter Text

[Quick author's note: this chapter is the cursed love-child of hours of extensive googling, a generous portion of artistic liberty, and telling a few choice laws- mostly of the physical and/or chemical nature- to, quite firmly and deliberately, suck it. Would any of this realistically work given the situation? Dunno. I'd advise against trying anything out though. There are much easier, far more cost effective ways to screw yourselves over- trust me. ]

"Alright," I sighed heavily, kicking off my wonderfully soft mountain of blankets and knocking back a chakra pill with enough force and flair to make a hardcore alcoholic proud. The snapping sound of the pair of powered-blue, comically patterned cleaning gloves against my skin echoed around us, causing the civilians that had been forcibly corralled in the corner to flinch. "Let's do this bitch. Got the vinegar, Naru?"

On the other side of the kitchen, Naruto shot me a backwards thumbs up- throwing his hand over his shoulder and hiking his haunches further in the air. "Sure do, Sakura-chan!" His voice came from under the kitchen sink. "You want the bleach now too?"

I shook my head sadly, absentmindedly throwing my hair up in a bun and dismaying at my life choices. The rubber of the gloves pulled painfully at the bubblegum strands. "One hazard at a time."

Carefully, I laid out an old, used towel across the even older wood table. Inner, who had finally come outside her room, eyed the whole set up dubiously.

This looks inadvisable. She muttered.

Reaching up and slipping on a cloth mask that I totally didn't lift off of my unconscious and currently ill teacher, I hummed softly. 

Which part? I asked calmly.

A clamouring in the hallway distracted me from her flat, you're-seriously-going-to-ask-me-that stare. I poked my head around the corner.

"Did you find anything suitable, Sasuke?" I asked, slightly muffled.

The mask smelled like something sharp and something smooth. Like ice-cold sparkling water that had gone flat, sprinkled over static fuzz. (While I was getting better at filtering chakra, describing what it felt like was a whole 'nother story. Before didn't have shit like sensors. )

Sasuke emerged from the half opened closet door, holding up two thickly lined, clear plastic tubs from the closet in question. They were medium sized, with dimensions I didn't give a damn enough to guess, but they were big enough. I sent him a thumbs up.

"Yeah, that's good." 

Sasuke gave a pleased grunt, taking the two buckets and depositing them unceremoniously on my towel-lined table. I quickly ditched the pumpkin jacket, folding it carefully and placing it near the stairs.

"What was his pulse?" I asked, returning back to the table.

Sasuke took one of the buckets to the kitchen, filling it over halfway with water. "Still around 70." He answered.

I hummed as I emptied the rest of Naruto's pouch into the seat next to me and started wrapping up any exposed skin I had showing on my arms from my biceps down. The feel of medical bandages rubbing against me was becoming far too familiar for my tastes.

Assuming Mr. Military kept in shape (which I hoped to Artemis he did because, A: I wasn't an actual doctor and was guessing the shit out of this and B: I sure as hell wasn't anyone who could account for such specific things like pre-existing conditions while shamelessly bullshitting the universe), 70 beats per minute was still a pretty high pulse for an athletic body at rest.

I had done a physical exam of course- checking whatever I could in whatever way I knew how (can you believe that underneath that fucking mask the man was actually pretty? I went to check his lip color for signs of oxygen deprivation and almost punched the man for it. The man had a mole. A I'm-a-rich-bitch-pretty-boy mole with a chiseled chin and soft-as-silk snow-white skin. The sheer fucking audacity.): he was still reactive, his breathing was proper enough, no signs of oxygen deprivation and there wasn't any inflammation around his neck so his endocrine system probably wasn't shot. His thyroid was alright at least, so with any luck there wasn't fuckery going on with his brain.

The thing was, though, that the general symptoms of lethal chakra exaustion paralled that of a stroke- slurred speech, general confusion, loss of moter function, etc, etc- and to do a proper field examination like I actually knew how to fucking do I needed the man awake. And we, the collective we of me, myself, and I because I was the only one in the entire house that had even the slightest medical clue, had no fucking idea when he'd wake up . 

"We'll check again in a few hours." I said, taking the two large gallon containers of vinegar Naruto presented me. Why anyone needed that much vinegar for one household was anyone's guess, but I was taking what I could get. Screwing off the lid and scrunching my nose, I started pouring. Even with Kakashi's mask on, the smell bit at my nose and scraped at my throat.

That's some good vinegar, Inner coughed out harshly.

That's just what we need.

Through pursed lips I tried to judge just how much to use. Dulling metal, especially thin metal like nin-wire, was more of a matter of how long you soak it for than how much you soak it in. And I had absolutely no intention of compromising the composition of the stock we had available. Speaking of which…

"How many spools of wire do we have left after setting up the zones?" I asked Naruto, stopping at 3 or 4 inches deep. The wire had to be unspooled anyways and I had other uses for the rest.

Shuffling through the pile that was once his weapons pouch beside me, sorting out the smoke bombs from the slime bombs and picking out the miniscule fuses and triggers with a familiarity and grace that both made me slightly nervous and so goddamned proud , he sticked out his tongue in thought. "Uh… like…. Maybe 2? I had to go through most of it for the Lure Zones by the bridge."

I grunted in both understanding and displeasure, setting down the jug beside me and re-screwing the cap. Of course we did. 

"Hand me whatever you can spare."

He tossed it across, not looking up from his task. His usually clumsy fingers shifted through the pile with ease, and within seconds it was reduced to several smaller ones: tabs marked with either a red or a blue dot no bigger than my pinky nail, nobs and circuits made to the size of those tiny little screws put on glasses that no one can ever find once they fell off, and honest-to-Artemis miles of minuscule wiring. I blinked dumbly at the pile, trying to metally play tetris with its size, the size of the pouch, and trying to remember how the hell he managed to make it all fit together , before abandoning the effort and focusing instead on unwinding the wire in my hands.

"Am I using handmade fuses for the bridge or are we using the tasar?" Naruto asked over his vaht of mechanically inclined genius. 

I thought it over as Sasuke moved next to me, setting down his own personal bucket and grimacing at the smell of mine.

"Handmade." I decided eventually. "Even if Big Money Man wants to use the daughter-"

"Tsunami." Said daughter cut in from the corner. I nodded. 

"That. Tsu-" Hand wrapped lovingly in loops of silver, I paused- distracted. A mental image of a giant wave popped up in my mind. "Wait, really?"

Sasuke reached over my paused hands, gathering Naruto's slime bomb pile carefully and gently within his own, and nodded.

I hummed.

Not very original. I thought idley. 

Inner snorted. You're one to talk.

"Well, ok. Tsunami. Why not?" 

Tazuna sent me an annoyed look from his marked spot on the floor where he'd been told to sit, stay, and shut the hell up , obviously offended by my comment. The one bearing the actual name just smiled tiredly, as if she had heard such things everyday of her life and knew exactly what I was talking about. The kid just glared.

"If Big Money goes after her or the kid" I continued fluidly, reaching the end of the spool and ignoring the indingant 'My name's Inari!' sent my way, "it's only as collateral. He might go after them if he has resources to spare, but he's gonna save the big guns for Tazuna- his actual target. I don't want anything bulky and obvious in the main zone."

Naruto nodded in understanding, already picking out what he'd need. "Makes sense. But the handmade ones are gonna have more of a punch, what if we start a fire? That can happen right?" 

Plunging the loosened spool in the burning liquid with a silent groan, I hung my head tiredly. Of course even Naruto could find that flaw in the plan. That's all The Plan was : flaws after flaws after flaws.

Staring at my reflection in the searing liquid- pink hair, pale pale skin and goddamned fucking brown eyes- I buried my urge to cry.

You're working with what you have, I reasoned with myself firmly. You're trying your best and that's all you can do.

It was a shitty plan, but it was what I had.

And The Plan wasn't even a plan, per say. It was more of a patchwork of 'just-in-case's that I truly hoped we could use just in case. Because, honestly? There was no way we'd be able to protect this man, his family, and his home for very long if Big Money Man decided to invest interest before Mr. Military woke up. 

I had drafted up a watch shift somewhere in between being harassed with several glasses of water- one tailored specifically to keep Sasuke and his superior combat skills with Tazuna during most of the workday, Naruto and his unending stash of clones free, ready, and available, and myself playing Comrade General and relief staff for the two. That plan was an actual plan, a physcially feasible plan given the lack of one more fucking person we had going on, but it overlooked one major aspect of Tazuna's life- the same one that scared the living shit out of me when I went to go check on Kakashi upstairs: the kid. 

Inari, Tazuna's grumpy, little eight year old grandson that seemed to pop up and around whenever he felt like it was one very concerning detail that I chewed the absolute shit out of Tazuna for not telling me about. 

Children were a fucking goldmine for Mercenaries. Need the girl to shut up so you can take her quietly? Tell her if she makes a sound and you'll kill her kid. Want the big man to stand down without a fight? Tell him if he moves an inch and the kid decorates the floor. Want your target to come to you without a fuss? Take his grandson and tell him if he wants the brat to live then he better willingly walk to his death- and not to tell his bodyguards where he was going when he did.

Obviously I was not amused and promptly rearranged The Plan to accommodate a body with Tazuna and one with Tsunami and the kid at all times. It was tight, it was short-term, it was undoubtedly going to be exhausting, and it was entirely dependent on whether or not we could handle whoever Big Money sent next- specifically if 'we' was just one or two of us.

If we were to rely on just our chakra and physical skills there was no way. Big Money Man hadn't sent anything under a B-rank missing nin so far and I wasn't counting on him underachieving anytime soon. So: The Plan.

The first part of the plan consisted of Lure Zones.

As you could guess from my super duper imaginative title, the Lure Zones were sections of land around the bridge and the house laced and triggered to be highly unfriendly to whatever poor sap that got tricked/led/dragged through them.

The Main Lure Zone was centered around the bridge and a 20 meter radius outside of it, littered with traps and fail safes chosen by Sasuke under Naruto's advisory.

Our presents were of course varied- ranging from smoke bombs to slime bombs to wire traps to poisoned wire traps (courtesy of The Land of Waves and memories of the very lovely Ino Yanamaka fangirling over plants) to electrified wire traps to paper bombs- all placed specifically so that if we were take any number of the text-book perfect escape routes available around Tazuna's work and/or home and some smart cookie might want teach those newbie genin's a lesson and try to exploit that, they might run into some… inconveniences . I mean, those were the types of routes we were going to use after all. You know… being newbies and all that.

The house had the same set up, just more thoroughly mapped out for the sake of the child and loppsidedly heavy in and around the tall trees lining the balcony that I swear were made with a fucking sniper in mind. 

The use of the Lure Zones was on an 'as needed' basis, and the electrified portions in particular were labeled as a 'if you don't gotta, please fucking don't' because, as pointed out by my lovable blonde, it could start a literal forest fire .

Fucking semantics…

"Then we'll put it out." I said dryly, mentally counting out how long the wire had been under.

Natuto looked up from his foraging, alarmed. "But Sakura-chan," He cried, "we don't know any water jutsu!"

From beside me, Sasuke made a long suffering sound.

"Deadlast," he groaned, ditching his own arm coverings and sending a pleading look to the sky like it might actually save him. In one hand he held a slime bomb provided by said deadlast, in the other he held a kunai. " We're surrounded by water. "

Naruto gathered up his fuses and wrapped them in a small, white cloth he had stashed in his pocket, returning it there and scratching at his cheek bashfully. "Oh." He laughed lightly. 

Eagerly, he watched Sasuke dip the rounded capsule underwater and pry at the sides to set it off. With a small 'click', HISS, and a round of laughter at Sasuke's grossed out face, the water filled with oozing slime and the canister emptied.

Sasuke grumbled at Naruto's delight. "Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. You're the one lining the nightshade wires." 

"Eh?" Naruto asked, shocked. "WHY ME?!"

"Because you heal." I answered in amusement. Mentally declaring it long enough, I plunged my hands back into the vinegar. Pulling out the wire and draping it over a towel, I started tugging at different portions of the long metal- testing its durability while patting it and myself dry of acidic liquids. The smell was complete murder, but the wire was sucessfully dulled and in no danger of accidently shining and giving away it's position.

Fucking mist and its sheen…

"Did we get the logs cut up yet?" I asked as I patted.

"I got the pile out back." Sasuke said, rinsing out the now empty cartridge and setting it out to dry with the others. "Any preference where to put them?"

After double and triple checking that the excess liquid had been removed, I briefly removed the gloves and started stripping the damp bandages.

"Run some simulations," I said, running over to the sink and washing my hands and arms. "Any situation you can think of where we're trying to get away and can't. We're going to be using them for substitutions, so don't be afraid to employ different variants of the same scenario, and keep the focus on the main zone. We can always cut more."

Sasuke nodded seriously. "I'll do that then," he said, standing up.

While we could technically use substitution with just about anything, The Plan called for whatever edge we could get and the jutsu was easier to use when you knew beforehand what you were switching with. Besides, the logs we were using were large and unnaturally cut so there was also a chance of them raising suspicion and spurring hesitation in the next Big Bad. 

I paused, hands under the running water. Could we use that suspicion? If we lined them around the lures? Like wards or something? 

"Make them suspiciously patterned!" I called as he headed out the door.

Sasuke nodded, heading out without looking back. I sighed fondly.

He could've at least asked why before agreeing.

Drying my hands and re-applying the gloves, I lined the now dry cartridges in a neat line, sealant at the ready.

"Alright, Naru," I said importantly, once everything was lined up and ready and my goddess was properly prayed to, "Hand me the bleach, and get them outside."

I pointed at the family. The them that had been watching us in interest eyed the bottles of cleaner in clear confusion, shuffling in doubt.

"What is that for?" Tsunami asked, hugging Inari to her chest protectively. She had been increasingly weary of me since the whole 'devil' comment, and I could only hope it wasn't a religion thing. Was there such a thing as evangelicals Here? We'd never gotten along well. "Why do we have to go outside?"

I grunted, pulling the mask more tightly around my nose and starting to circulate chakra through my lungs. "You're going outside because I'm making chem bombs," I explained simply, twisting off each cleaner's caps, "and I don't want to accidentally kill you."

Big Wave Daughter shreaked shrilly, her body spasming. "CHEM BOMB?!" She yelped. She hugged Inari closer to her (as if that would actually help in a toxicity situation…), gaping like a fish out of water and coiling away. Tazuna backed away from both of us, edging nearer to the door.

"Only as a last resort." I assured hastily, sensing their growing fear. I recapped the bottles and started to explain. "It's just in case Tazuna gets captured and we can't get to him. The men Big Money Man hires are just as human as you and me, and the human body doesn't like toxic gas and chemical burns."

Tsunami eased slightly at how I stressed the words 'last resort', and I continued, figuring that this was about a good time as any to fully explain The Plan to them, seeing as I had them all in one place and their undivided attention.

"Ideally," I addressed Tazuna clearly, halting his inching escape with an unimpressed stare, "you would be killed from behind. It's easier that way, and it makes it harder for you to defend yourself."

He froze, paling drastically. I plowed on.

"So this is in case of that. If we can't get to you and you get held up from behind, you set this off as a last resort. Only as a last resort, you understand? And you hold your breath the moment you do. Ok?"

He nodded dumbly. His blank expression wasn't all too convincing, but I figured I could write it down later if I had to.

"Chemical warfare works best in an enclosed space, or directly on their person. It's not friendly fire- so it will burn you too, but you'll be alive to feel it. This is what we'll be putting it in. It's pressurized, and it's activated by hitting a flat surface hard or by being pierced right along here." I held up the dried bomb capsule, bringing over to him and showing him the ridge along the surface I was referring to. "If you can, aim for piercing it. You builders always carry around a pocket knife, right?"

Tazuna nodded, surprised that I knew, fumbling through his pockets and procuring the tool. It was more decorative than I was expecting: the handle was embedded with sections of white seashell and pale blue plastic, held together by shining steel. But more importantly it was small, standardized, with a thinly lined blade made to get into tight spaces. I inspected it thoroughly, nodding to myself. Perfect .

"Use that," I instructed. "It's small enough to get an angled hole, and if you're lucky enough to make that happen you'll be able to aim the spray at your attacker and avoid some damage."

Turning to the kid severely, I held the same capsule all but three inches in front of his face.

" Do not touch this ." I warned, waving my hand with every word.

The kid gulped, nodding in understanding and fear.

"We've set up traps and lures around your house and your work." I continued, gently waving the already fidgeting Naruto to be patient with my free hand and standing back up. "And there are a couple of 'holes' we've made for you. The holes are safe spaces meant for you to hide in if we need to focus more on attacking than defending. They're hidden, and lined with powder meant to hide your scent. So that's what the white stuff will be if you end up using being shoved down there, and it's in your best interest to keep it there, yes?"

Tazuna nodded both sagely and sheepishly, pink lightly coloring his cheeks. "I understand."

I smiled happily. " Good . Now, in the event that we have to use either of those, whether it's the lures or the holes, we'll need your cooperation. If we say run left, even if the right makes more sense to you, that's what I need you to do. If we say hide and don't come out, then I don't care what the fuck you hear, you stay. Understand? Shinobi like to use tricks to get their targets. We're going to need your trust to do our jobs."

Both Tazuna and Tsunami smiled at that, one resigned and bitter and the other haunted and knowing.

"I wouldn't worry about that, little girl." Tazuna rumbled shyly, eyes far away and uncomfortably soft. "We trust you." 

I smiled awkwardly, at the very least relieved that I had one less battle to fight. "I'm glad," I said in a rough squeak, cursing my 'feels skills' and getting back on track, "Because there's some things I'm going to need you to do for me, starting right now."

The dad and daughter shared a determined look, bobbing their heads once more. "What do you need?"

I almost beamed. Why couldn't all our clients be this cooperative?

"Ok," I listed quickly, trying to get the ideas out before they ran away, "so starting right now, we're only using the first floor of the house. We'll move Kakashi down here, and your bed things as well. It's not going to be comfortable, but it'll be easier to keep you safe if we have less ground to cover, and we can trap the staircase with things from the house. I'm going to need to stay away from windows the best as you can as well. We'll need to move some things around to accommodate the space, but I promise we'll move it back where you want it when this is all over."

They agreed easily, even the kid who I expected to kick up a fuss. Which reminded me- "And Tsunami?" I cut in harshly.

The woman in question flinched. "Y-yeah?"

I drew next to her, stressing this as much as humanly possible.

" Inari stays with you ." I said slowly. "I have only one body to offer for your protection, if you want that to include him as well then he has to be with you. Do you understand?"

Her eyes widened and flickered to her child. When they met mine again all the fear there had dissolved, hardened with resolve of a mother. 

"I understand." She vowed.

The kid writhed, a hateful frown slitting across his face.

"What if I don't want your protection?!" He shouted, leaning toward me threateningly. Naruto tensed at his tone and I swallowed back a curse, damn near losing my eyes to the back of my head with the force I rolled them.

Oh for the love of-

Kind of an uppity brat, ain't he? Inner chimed in with all the amusement of a spectator. Tsunami clung to him fiercely, her former fear returning with a vengeance. 

"Inari!" She cried, "DON'T SAY THAT!"

The tiny little eight year old roughly jerked out of her grip, advancing on me more aggressively and ignoring his crying mother.

"What's the point?" He raged on, throwing out his all too short arms and craning his neck to glare at me. There were tears gathering at the corners of his cheeks, but he seemed to be ignoring those too. "You're all going to die anyways!"

Morbid. Inner commented.

Hurt child. I sighed back.

Fuck this place and its lack of therapy.

Naruto gritted his teeth and heat filled the air. My body shivered as his once orange aura twisted red, pearling into dark peals of clotted scarlet. "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED-"

I blocked the boy from Naruto's rage, throwing out my hand like the kid did and inserting myself between them.

"Naru." I cut him off firmly, resting my palm on his chest. It twittered in the same way a snake's head would twitch when stalking its prey. "Stop."

I watched and waited as the red faded, calming and easing until it hovered just above a summer's day, before turning back to the shaking boy who, to Inner's surprise, didn't run away.

Internally sighing and setting down the cartridge, I walked over to the boy and knelt down to his angry and teary face. 

I had my suspicions before, what with the lack of a father figure, isolating behaviors, and the torn picture gracing the mantel place, but holy hell was it written all over the kids face- he was terrified.

Gnawing at my lip I debated how to proceed. Maybe start with the parent that hadn't abandoned him? 

"Inari," I started gently, firmly and carefully placing my hands on his shaking shoulders, "please don't say things like that in front of your mother. She loves you very much and wants to see you grow up and live. You'll make her sad if you say you don't want to be protected by people who might want to hurt you."

He sniffed and jerked his shoulder, trying and failing to escape my hold. Tear drops gathered on the floor panel and pattered on top of my knees as his whole body drooped and his head hung.

"Doesn't matter…" He muttered bitterly, rubbing roughly at his face. Above us, his mother muffled a sob. "You won't make it. You can't help us."

This time I audibly sighed, looking to the ceiling and then to the floor for help. Just how was it that I was more qualified to be a butcher than I was to help some sad, eight year old kid? Was this karma? 

"You could be wrong." I hedged softly, dipping my chin so I met his eyes. He scowled indigently, his lips wobbling around his rebuttal.

"So could you." He challenged.

Discomfort and general uselessness aside, I had to smile. A certain dark haired grump came instantly to mind as I took in his set jaw and pinched nose. Ah yes … The defiance of youth.

"Yeah…" I reluctantly allowed, placing a hand on his head, "Yeah, you're right. I could be wrong. You could be right. I might not be able to protect you and your grandpa like I want to."

The kid looked at me shocked, like he wasn't expecting me to admit it. The mother tried to protest, but I steamrolled over her.

" But, " I stressed calmly, cupping the boy's unsure face in my hands lovingly, "I've made the decision to try. And, Inari… that's my decision. It's a choice only I get to make. Whether I succeed or fail has nothing to do with you, and what I do isn't your fault."

Inari hicupped in my hands as I tried to wipe the tears away. 

"I've decided to help," I continued, "So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to help you- I'm going to protect you and your family from the people after you in every way I know how until there's no one trying to chase you or I can't try anymore."

At this Inari cried even harder, openly sobbing around my fingers. After a minor internal debate I kissed him softly on the forehead and sent him a cheeky grin, adding a "Whether you like it or not" on the end. I flushed as Naruto snickered behind me, undoubtedly remembering the same lecture I gave him and Sasuke.

"Sakura…"

Tsunami got all teary, one hand shakily covering her mouth in some sort of sentimental gush of emotions that I knew for a fact was going to make me want to crawl in a hole and die.

"OKAY," I cut in loudly, bolting to my feet and fleeing back to the table with the little bombshell with all of the grace of a drunk goose, pointing importantly towards the door, "Now out. I ain't about to poison y'all and make Big Money Man's life any easier."

"But what about your sensei?" Tsunami asked, leaning around from where Naruto had begun herding them with a concerned expression.

I waved a dismissive hand.

"He'll be fine," I answered lightly, ( probably ) "he has a mask on too. And who knows? Maybe the smell will make him wake up sooner."

Tsunami's eyes softened in understanding. "You must be anxious to examine him." She said emotionally, "I remember you saying you can't do a proper one until he's awake…"

Naruto laughed, saving me from answering and ushering them out the door with gentle shoves. "Don't worry," He declared confidently, "Sensei's in good hands! Sakura-chan is the best!"

I sent them a wave as they crossed the threshold, humming an old lullaby once I was sure they were gone. Inner came back to life as I began mixing up the bleach and vinegar.

Fiddle-dee-dee, oh fiddle-dee-dee, the fly ran off with the bubble bee~

Not going to correct them? She asked conspiratorially. I screwed on the first cap, running sealant around the canister's ridged sides.

It's the same thing really. I thought back.

Oh, won't you come and play with me~?

Suuuurree… She drawled, not convinced in the slightest, You know, a proper medic wouldn't take advantage of their patients inability to move to interrogate them on their teaching habits.

I snorted, coughing out the fumes that came my way. 

Said the fly~

Hey, don't look at me. I haven't taken any vows.

To the bubblebeeeeee~

Chapter Text

I did briefly debate on how to go about interrogating Kakashi without further aggravating his already weakened state- really, I did- for, like, a whole 2 seconds. Two completely compassionate, lovingly gentle, medic-ethic-in-the-forefront-of-the-mind seconds. But after those long two seconds had passed, a very insistent voice in my head that wasn't Inner said that, hey, my man : you and your boys have been working a nonstop shift change/guard detail for 68 hours while the pansy actually got to sleep. You've been playing sensei for the last three months while the fucker did who-knows-what. This is the longest you've seen the man in any amount of time and that's because he was unconscious . So, really- really- A) What the frickidy fuck are you trying so hard for and B) are you really going to expend more energy for this priss by pretending like you care? Like… really .

They were such good arguments. Arguments to which the answers were A) I was trying to at least pretend that I was a decent human being- let me live my lie, goddamnit and B) Ha! NOT A FUCK-ING CHANCE.

Kakashi's slated eye gaped openly at me, his stupidly pretty lips partially open in shock. The fingers at his side jerked, brushing briefly against my progress thus far and the blotched, bruised skin covering my knee. His chakra fizzed and glitched, popping across his bed bound form like millions of white, black, and grey pixels framed in glass. From my kneeling position beside him, I raised an eyebrow imperiously.

"Your static is cha-cha-ing no so smoothly there, pretty boy." I commented idley, raising my kunai to meet the lock of hair in my fist. Pink strands littered around me and there was a banging noise from the mental time out room I trapt Inner in. "Problem?"

The man blinked dumbly, drinking me in. His face moved sporadically: cheeks and jaw stopping, pausing, and restarting. Horror haunted his eyes once he registered that not only did he have no mask on- I was fucking wearing it .

I smiled innocently, the soft material caressing my cheek. I didn't give a damn that he couldn't properly see the action. I had his mask .

To him, I probably looked unhinged. I mean, I was unhinged, but not because I was sporting a half-finished chop shop butch haircut that I was determined to do myself. That shit was a godamned gift and appeased multiple warring states inside me- mental, lesbian, or otherwise.

No, I was unhinged because of reasons.

Many reasons.

All the reasons.

And now I probably looked like it. 

And, you know, maybe cluing in the iffy-adult on just how much teeter was working with my totter wasn't the wisest of choices, but I already had one foot in the water and as the non-Inner voice pointed out: I didn't care. So yeah. My mind had been long gone, but now that my last fuck decided to go and join the stupid fucker, this man- this ghostly, absent, infuriating slab of electrified meat mush that was now bright-eyed, bushtailed, and fucking awake - was going to have to deal with it. 

Prominently.

A long silence drew out as his mouth worked through possible responses, opening and clenching with his jaw only to be swallowed down a second later. His eye bounced between the kunai in my hands, the strands on the floor, and the room we were in- probably noting the kitchen to his left and the distinct smell of bleach that still hung in the air. I'd like to think it also lingered on the blotches of irritated skin peppered across my hands, but I knew better than that.

"Your eyes were green before." He said finally, tone shallow and weak.

Sunlight filtered through the window, highlighting the gleam of the knife and the flecks of amber embedded in my unimpressed stare. Birds chirped outside, positively delighted to see a new day. I hummed in disinterest.

"God gave me the finger and left them as a gift." I said, switching hands and showing him without a shadow of a doubt which finger I spoke of with flourish. "This finger, here."

The newly awakened man flinched as I boldly flicked him off, blinking both slowly and rapidly as I shoved the raised appendage in front of his uncovered nose and started waving it side to side. The left over smell of ammonia wafted between us- sharp, hard, and heavy.

His chakra shuttered.

"Can you follow this finger with your eyes," I asked simply, waving my hand faster and pulling the waves of white along like a puppet on a string. To my pleasure, Kakashi's chakra was almost as responsive as Naruto's. "So I can figure out if you fucked up your brain when you bottomed out?"

Kakashi twitched, annoyed. "My brain's fine." He said with drawn eyebrows and dipped lips. His eye narrowed toward his nose as he attempted to focus on my blatant 'fuck you', his sky-toned well painfully crawling away from his core.

I laughed, the sound coming out as more of a crazed bark than any laughter I'd ever heard as I watched the tension surge, snap, and recede- his body couldn't take the strain. Mr. Military Badass couldn't manipulate his chakra . 

Two spots of light darted along the wall beside him as I flipped the dagger to and fro lazily, twirling to just beside my cheek and back again like a cat's tail once it caught sight of a canary. 

"Oh? Is it?" I asked gleefully, leaning in so we were but just inches apart. Hatched lines of pink dusted his cheeks and sprinkled over the duvet, fluttering off me like snow. "But how would you know ? You passed out , remember?"

Looping the kunai loosely on my index finger, I held it just over his nose menacingly- satisfied at the way he tugged at his chakra once more. It was nice to know I was being taken seriously.

"As the responsible party of Team 7-" I continued a tad hysterically, noticing the tone but doing nothing to correct it, " the one in charge, if you do so remember correctly- I can't just not check."

Kakashi shifted uneasily underneath his blanket, his lips worked into an apathetic swallow. He kept the rest of his face relaxed- everything else about him calm, collected, and conditioned- but the lips betrayed him. Infuriatingly pretty, big and full and pale as they may be, they were extreme ly expressive. Distantly, I considered that maybe the man didn't wear a mask just to fuck with us but instead used it as a tool. After all, you couldn't exactly be a badass liar if your kissers were always giving you away.

Of course it could also be an Option C situation- killing two birds with one stone and all that. 

He hummed nervously, lip line twisting into barely definable squiggles and his visible eye trained on the tip dangling over his nose. "Ah, no need, Sakura. I'm fine. No worries."

A completely foriegn sound came out of my chest in response, wind whistling from my lungs and the taste of bitter metal scraping across my tongue. Repressed emotions cascaded through my limbs and shook my hands. The fingers holding the deadly weapon trembled. 

Kakashi's white on grey on blue squirmed. 

If only the motherfucker could see my face.

"Ah? No worries ?" I echoed, baring my teeth like a rabid animal and readjusting my grip. His chakra jumped just below the tip. "I'm so sorry, sensei , but you will find that I am, in fact, full of worries. MANY WORRIES! Most of those worries orbit around trying to figure out how the fuck" - the metal moved with me, coming dangerously close to his shivering skin as I seethed- "I'm supposed to keep my boys alive and safe these days when our sensei never comes out to play , buuuuuut" -the word drew out long, high, and playful- "we'll save that for later, yeah?"

He didn't respond past a half lidded, bored stare- all his focus still on my left. I followed it, dragging my attention over where the blade had settled unintentionally- loosely gripped, sharpened edge resting down and up: just one easy motion away from his unprotected neck- up and along his near frantic chakra, and back up to his disinterested expression.

I understood instantly.

Kakashi Hatake, the dead man after my own heart, was bluffing. He was scared shitless, acting like he wasn't, hoping to whatever god he prayed to that if he bullshitted the universe long enough he'd get to live.

It was as infuriating as it was understandable.

My empathy reared its ugly, annoyingly compassionate head.

Reluctantly, I flipped the metal back towards my palm- internally grumbling at how my patient's chakra calmed.

This whole thing would probably be easier if I was a sociopath… I sighed, ignoring the muffled, alarmed screech that came from the time out room.

I prodded him again, flicking him off more gently. "Follow the finger." I ordered.

With one last look at the knife, the finger, and me- his unfocused iris burying his fear, his uncertainty, and his completely unnecessary and ineffective attempt to corral his chakra once more, like, dude stop doing that before you fuck yourself over more than you already are - he did. I slipped out orders to him as I moved the curse around- 'up', 'left', 'cross your eyes'- only relaxing my finger and returning to my hair once I was confident that his tracking was good enough. 

Did I actually know how the human eye was meant to track moving objects and what was supposed to be good enough? No. Not at all. But whatever . I tried.

"Wonderful." I praised without really meaning it, hacking off another lock with a flick of my wrist. Kakashi watched me like an injured wolf, like I was liable to lash out at him if he poked me the wrong way. I ignored his accuracy. "Now, who's currently Hokage?"

His half-lidded eye drooped.

"Is this really necessary?" He sighed. The motion had more expression to it now that I could see his cheekbones.

I grunted, giving him the Stern Doctor Stare ™ and pausing my task. Blankets crinkled audibly as he shrank back.

"Ho-ka-ge." I repeated slowly, drawing out the vowels more than what was strictly necessary out of pure spite and lopping off another lock in a clear, harsh motion. "Now. Who?"

Kakashi averted his eye in a sulk, lips puffed out in a groan. His chakra practically curled .

My eye twitched sporadically. What are you, two?

Muffled agreement came from the time out room.

I glared down at him until his resolve faltered. "Sarutobi-sama." He muttered lowly, picking at the covers, childishly mutinous.

I resisted the urge to stab him.

Patient mentality I repeated to myself firmly, cutting off another strand with deadly force. White waves shuttered at my knees. Patient mentality.

" Coolio . Now count backwards from 100 in intervals of five."

The man looked at me like I asked him to kick a puppy and then feed it to a snake . I deadpanned in horrible, horrible resignation. 

And once again I mourned not so gracefully, settling back on my ass, I am the closest thing to an adult in the room. Fucking precious . 

I decided to switch tactics.

"If you want to pout that's fine." I hummed boredly, cleaning the hair out from underneath my nails in slow, smooth motions and looking at him importantly from underneath my lashes, "I got all the time in the world and only one of us here is stuck to a bed."

The overgrown child sighed, looking down at himself and attempting to flex his toes. The blanket moved with a slight twitch but the motion was miniscule at best and delusional at its worst. I dusted the bits of hair off my lap, smug.

"So it seems…" he murmured distractedly. He looked around at the house again, his neck craning to see around me. "Where are Sasuke and Naruto?"

I smothered the beast that hissed in return.

Why wasn't that his first question? Why was the color of my eyes more important than the other children under his care? Why was I spending the time I was meant to be sleeping to ask THIS FUCKING MAN-

Running my fingers eagerly through my locks and just preening at the length, my fingers flicked expertly and giddily as I went to clean it up. It was an uneven haircut- one meant to look like I went at it with a broken buzzer and just never cared enough to fix it- and it just screamed me .

For the first time in for-fucking-ever, my soul felt at ease.

"Sasuke's with Tazuna, his shift ends in an hour. Naruto's with Tsunami and Inari at the market with a similar eta. I got a clone playing relay, and the meat suit playing medic." I answered pleasantly, ignoring the alarmed look he gave me at the words 'meat suit'. It wouldn't make any sense to him- or to anyone Here for that matter- and I was 100% A-Ok with that. 

I was so fucking done trying to make things make sense. 

"Are you going to start counting?" I asked.

He sweatdropped, head thudding back on the pillow. "Mah… my student is so uncute." I nodded in understanding.

I tried.

"I'm translating that as 'fuck you'." I declared, running my fingers over the ridges and measuring them up. Three inches on the left and about six inches on the right, just long enough to brush my jaw and just messy enough to make people wonder if I did it on purpose or if I had one hell of a night. It was perfect . "How long do we have until you're mobile?"

Kakashi blinked at me, taken aback and knocked off kilter. His gaze ranked over me, more thoroughly and with more weight than before- scanning my features, glaring into my soul, and more likely than not scavenging for whatever train of thought I just lost. 

"... I didn't say that…"

"It's what you meant." I supplied bluntly, under no impression of anything else and not willing to waste my time pretending otherwise. There were more important things to address. 

"You're evading." I said airily. "Is it going to be long?"

A sinking feeling punched me in the gut as the words crossed my lips and he looked away. Oh Artemis. Was it going to be long? The Plan was only a temporary measure! What the fuck was I gonna do if he was out, for like, a month? 

His stammering pulled me out from the hole I was inevitably digging for myself. "I- uh, maybe 3 days?"

Relief crashed through me. Ok, so not that long.

"So 7." I stated, brushing my thumb over my lip in thought and spitting out the bits of hair that stuck there. 

We... could hold out that long, I thought, running the numbers. It would fucking suck, and we'd more than likely be at the end of eachothers throats by the end of it, but… maybe if we picked Kakashi's brain for more substantial traping ideas and got an inventory of what he had with him...

"I said three." Kakashi corrected severely, breaking my train of thought. I looked up blankly, pausing my revisions.

"I don't believe you for shit." I said honestly, brushing off hair from my ear.

He frowned, his shoulders and chakra tensing, twisting in a weird way I didn't yet recognize. "I'm your sensei." He argued confidently.

"And I'm the one who's been doing all the teaching." I retorted simply. Guilt crossed his face and discomfort rippled through his body, spilling all around him like globs of oil paint yet to be mixed. 

Ah… so he WAS aware he was doing it, I thought shakily. I was toeing a fine line somewhere in between eruption and disassociation. Like a citizen from Pompeii just first taking notice of the dark clouds hovering over their mountain.

I shoved the thought aside.

"But, hey, I'll tell you what: I'll compromise on 5 because I'm a nice person."

An odd silence followed as we stared at each other, him in a calm he didn't feel and me with a smile I didn't mean. It was both charged and awkward- what with him digging for what I assumed to be an explanation and my fragile composure clattering off the edge at a concerning pace and the gratingly happy birds twittering outside. Burning bile rose to my throat as I tried to swallow down the tsunami of repressed emotion I had locked away. Exhaustion- both mental and physical and existential- whithered away at my defenses.

Please just tell me why , I mentally begged, feeling every inch of the bruises painting my skin. 

"You've done a good job." Is what he finally said.

My defenses crumbled like rice paper in a hurricane. 

I laughed. It was an ugly, angry, breaking laugh that I was so grateful my boys weren't around to hear and it had Kakashi instantly writhing . 

His colors struggled under the tone.

It was mocking. 

Twittering. 

Feral.

I honestly forgot where I was and what I was doing.

"Oh, I have," I heaved through upturned lips. I could've been anything from amused to livid to tiptoeing around a psychotic break. I didn't know anymore and holy shit did I not care. "Haven't I? But I do have to wonder just why that has been my job- 'cause- 'cause ha- I'm hardly qualified, yeah? Care to weigh in sensei?"

My chakra coursed around me like a coiled snake. It usually kept near me, like a well trained puppy pleased to be with its master, but now it was out: hackles raised in tones of blue, purple and opal- underwater, under pressure, and mixed with crude oil. Glopping together, tantalizingly beautiful, and practically begging to spark.

Kakashi feigned indifference. His chakra cowered like a puppy underneath the wrath of a barbed belt.

"Does it matter?" He asked, bored. 

The weight of the kunai became more prominent. Embers licked at my edges. I didn't allow myself to humor the first impulse to pop up.

Compartmentalize, Raven. I ordered myself through no small amount of effort, hand tightening and twitching with need. Idiot brain impulses in one box, reactions and consequences in another. Breath in, try again.

I drew in a ragged breath.

The tightened grip didn't loosen.

" Hatake, " I began slowly. My chest strained with the effort of keeping my tone sweet. It dripped across my tongue like poison. "Logically, I understand you're deflecting because you're uncomfortable . Emotionally, I am fully prepared to slit your throat, leave Tazuna to his fate and drag my boys back home declaring the mission a failure and you an unfortunate casualty. So ," I emphasized strongly as his eye narrowed dangerously and his body tensed, holding a finger in the air in the universal gesture of wait one goddamned fucking minute , "Let's start again, shall we? Here, I'll try to do better too."

I forced myself to relax and push aside my fury. I gestured to myself, hand on my chest. 

"I," I started out, trying desperately to remember just how those stupid 'I Statements' worked and keep my burning seething feral beast out of my tone, "am feeling overwhelmed and could use some comfort. I feel like an explanation would give me the comfort I need. Kakashi-sensei could you please, in a clear and concise answer that I can understand given the mental state I am in, worded in a way that might help ease my worries that I have so many of, explain to me why I have been shouldering the weight and responsibility of being Team 7's sensei when I- myself, am just a student?"

The man looked away, sweat dripping down his neck. His chakra twisted again and again- evading and running when the man's body could not. "Ah, well, the term student is open to interpretation..." He hedged.

The anger I had pushed aside nudged at me, the same one that I had leeched from my tone not even a second ago.

The he-child wouldn't look at me.

"That's a non-answer." I darkly intoned, anger already back in my lap and so snuggly at home. A soft ringing noise went off in my ears.

Why was he making this so hard? I seethed, grip on the knife becoming painful.

He flinched. "Mah, mah. So direct-"

"Evasion." I hissed, nerves bunching up, so ready to strike.

He looked at the ceiling not at my eyes- why not MY EYES- 

"Ah, Naruto and Sas-"

I cut him off.

" Distraction ."

His lips pursed, eyes meeting my own- finally, but they were blank, blank and empty oh so empty- expression rearranging to something more severe. "Sakura," He warned seriously, "What I do with my team isn't for you to question."

Fingernails bit into my palm and my knee and teeth ripped away at my lower lip as I watched not his face, but his chakra. His twisting, melting, practically screaming chakra.

It was nervous.

He was nervous.

Erratic. 

Scared. 

Ashamed.

I cooed as the meaning clicked, stalking around him like a black widow waiting to ease its prey into its nest ( It'd be so easy to make him pay, the beast purred he can't run, he can't fight, he can't move) " Oh? And now you're going to try and use your completely untouched authority to threaten me into submission, all to save your pride . How low. "

White, blue, and grey folded in on itself.

I was right.

I was fucking right.

" Haruno- "

My control snapped. My body lunged. Kakashi flinched as the knife hurled towards him, embedding itself in the wood laid just near his cheek at a speed I couldn't track, thrown with all the force I could gather.

A memory from Before hovered somewhere in the middle of the proverbial storm: me, when I was young, settled on Momma's lap. 

" Bottling up your feelings ," she had said, " is like shaking a bottle of coke. If you keep doing it and doing it without releasing some of the pressure, you're going to explode ."

I hated how she was always right, even when I was dead .

( So easy, so easy, so easy, the beast begged can't get up, can't defend- )

"NO!" I screamed. The sound scraped red and raw, and to who it was aimed for could've been anyone's guess. Tears dipped across the wood, the covers, his face. I started openly sobbing- one of the glorious merits of being a frustrated crier. The bed-ridden man shook minutely, eyes wide with fear and all false bravado gone. "You do not get to evade this Hatake!"

Practical steam came out of my ears as I jerked the kunai out of the wood, surging to my feet unsteadily and gesturing wildly with every word that came out of my mouth that would just not fucking stop . The world shook and swam as my bottle burst- my body cursing me for ever thinking my volcano was only a mountain. 

"I have spent months-" I ranted uncontrollably, legs shaking with effort and rage as I stumbled and paced, "- months ! High strung and in way over my head just to fill your shoes. I have spent more nights in the library than I have my own home-"

Her home I corrected silently through the haze taking over me, the home isn't mine, it's HERS.

"-just so I'd have something to give my boys the next day! I've spied on Jonin training seminars, risking my shinobi license, just so I'd know what our next lesson was supposed to be so we didn't fall behind! I have given myself scars-" my arm bust out at its own accord, displaying those pale, thin lines in the afternoon sun. Kakashi openly flinched, openly gaped at them- I thought he was watching us on our missions. I didn't know how to feel about being wrong. "- learning how to heal minor wounds because we keep getting hurt and I'm the only one they can turn to. I've broken into the general administration building, illegally , to prepare and pre-approve our missions to fit our skill set. I've spent every paycheck thus far on my boys, every fucking paycheck , because they have nothing -"

My arms flew up to the ceiling. I couldn't see straight, I was crying so hard.

"-Nothing! Do you know what was in Naru's fridge before I got to it? Ramen. That's it. "

My heart clenched at the memory. My head swam. It was supposed to have been a team dinner- basically a let's-patch-ourselves-up post-training shindig under the guise of a healthy team activity. Naruto had all but thrown himself to volunteer as host and Sasuke was cool with it just so long as his place wasn't orange.

And it wasn't.

It was just empty.

"That's all he's been eating!" I shouted both in anger and in shame. My chest heaved with guilt. How had I not noticed? "His home had no heat, his pantry had no food, and he had no help. And Sasuke?-" My voice broke at the name and the resounding self blame attached to it now. How had I not noticed? "-Have you ever even been to that godforsaken compound?"

I demanded to visit the minute I saw Naru's fridge, terrified that Sasuke was living in similar conditions. 

Oh how I was wrong .

"There's no furniture anymore." I hissed. "Some places don't have walls. I had to learn how to get blood out of wood because some of it was still fucking there . I have had more mental breakdowns in these last three months then I've ever had in my entire life. I have given everything to be the sensei of Team 7. And then you-" I jabbed my finger in his direction, chakra slithering across my form. The fear was in his eyes now, I noted. He couldn't keep it off his face. " Fucking you- have the nerve - the fucking AUDACITY to sit there from where you've been lounging on you ass all this time and claim my team as yours, to tell me it isn't my place to quesiton how you do things- all because I'm making you uncomfortable? Because I demand to know why? HA!"

The harsh sound echoed throughout Tazuna's home, ricocheting across the walls and the ringing in my ears and the pounding of Kakashi's heart across his chest. 

" No . Nonononononoooooooo…" I crooned, wagging my finger and shaking my head and wobbling over to him as he froze. Arguably, I'd officially lost it. In my defense: I tried. "You do not get that no more. No more, no more . You will explain to me where you have been and why, and you are going to explain to me right now. " 

I stalked up to him, brandishing the knife in an obvious threat that I had every intention of making a motherfucking promise , holding it over with intent.

" START ."

He gaped at me, stunned.

"I…" He whispered, eye shining as if seeing me in a new light. One might've even made the jump and said it was shining in tears . His fingers shook. "I wasn't aware…"

" You haven't been around ."

He drew back like I had actually hit him, pulling in on himself: curling and curling like a turtle in his shell- full of discomfort and self loathing and shame. I watched as his chakra mourned. My magma caked over and cooled.

… goddamnit.

"Is it that you don't want us?" I questioned harshly, lowering the weapon just slightly. All I wanted to do was be mad, but how the fuck was I supposed to stay homicidal when the grown man stammered over his response in his rush to get it out, chakra twisting wildly like a child hands when telling you about thier favorite toy, eager to ease and to please? Like… how ?

"It- it's not that I-"

His lips were actually trembling . Are you fucking kidding me? I sighed, lowering the weapon completely. Well... Whatever… Naruto probably wouldn't be happy if I killed him anyways. 

"Were we forced on you?" I asked.

"N-Not forced…" He muttered, eyes to the side and chakra squirming once again.

Translation: I groaned silently, I want to run away but can't .

Figures.

Tossing the kunai into the corner, I mentally roll called the possible hazards of my team, trying to figure out what big bad would be big enough to scare a one-man army into running away. I was the Pandora's Box of the team- who knew what oodles of fun I had locked away?- but I was also new . Nothing he could be pre-scared for. Sasuke seemed to have the mad-eye-red-eye gene pool at his disposal, but so did Kakashi- apparently . I inevitably ended up at the last box.

"Is it the fox? Does it scare you?"

His chakra froze. Shuttering. Surging.

Translation: It scares me a whole fucking bunch, but that's not why I'm running away from you .

Cool beans.

"How do you know about that?" He asked severely.

I all but snorted.

"God's middle finger lets me see chakra." I hummed, running a hand through my hair. "He's got a practical vortex of chakra and hate swirling around in his belly and his birthday does line up."

Kakashi flashed me the WTAF face. I decided to be merciful.

"And the first district can't whisper for shit." I allowed, anger simmering down to nothing but fatigue and a vague sense of being fucked over by god.

Kakashi sighed with a similar expression, rolling his eyes at the ceiling in a dramatic fashion I could totally relate to. "Of course not. Does Sasuke know?"

"It's not my place to tell."

I watched him silently, waiting for him to continue. He didn't. 

"And it's not the fox that scares you." I prodded.

He stayed stubbornly mute while his sky-blob bent over in guilt.

"But you are scared."

I sighed as he avoided me, staring at the wall.

I'm… going to have to be the mature one here, aren't I? I guessed tiredly. His chakra shuttered uneasily, inching around in words Kakashi either had too much pride to say or not enough therapy points to force out.

Artemis, I was so tired of being mature. 

I plopped down on the floor with a graceless thud, not even trying to smother the fall. Soreness vibrated through my ass as I rested my head in my hands, eyes sneaking a yeaning gaze to the abondoned murder method.

Artemis, I was so tired.

I sent a prayer to my palms, longing for my goddess to hear me.

Please Mighty Huntress, goddess of the moon... If I die again, please make me a sociopath. This empathy shit can't be worth this fuckery.

"I've never heard you talk about family." I hummed, moving to rub small circles in my temples. The fucker kept his eye on the ceiling.

"Technically, I've never talked to you about anything." He threw out lazily.

And wasn't that the goddamned truth.

"Ah… yeah… hard to do that when you always run away. Is it because of me? Is that why?"

Kakashi made an offended noise. "You don't scare me."

I eyed his terrified chakra. Yeah… sure I don't.

"But something does." I said to my fingers, pressing where my cheeks met my jaw. "I can see it." His chakra squirmed. "And you're not going to tell me what it is or why you keep running away… are you? Even if I gut you."

He hummed softly.

"Most likely."

Turning my eyes to the ceiling as well, I could only stare at the old wood that made out its frame. It was withered and worn, dark and scuffy, but it was also thick and strong- made for what it was used for. The panels that lined it were just as big, just as withered and worn and as dark and scuffy, but they weren't thick and they weren't as strong. If Tazuna ever switched them out, his home would be liable to cave in.

And what other reason would he have to do that, then that he had no other choice?

How long would it last?

I started talking to the open air between us, feeling much like a panel forced to hold the weight of a frame.

"I don't think I'm worth much sometimes." I said, tracing the wood's ridges with my eyes. The older limbs had almost nothing to see, but the newer ones- most notably the ones docked in the upper right corner where I think a storm had once blown them in- still had remenets of natural chakra hanging over them: a rusted fog of teal, green, and frost.

"And sometimes I don't think my head is on right. I stand taller than I am, I take on more than I should, and I bullshit the universe more often than is advisable. I do that because I feel like if I ever stop moving, if I ever stopped standing up to things I shouldn't or held up others when I can't even keep myself up, then I'd forget how… and then I wouldn't be able to when I really needed to. I try not to worry about the details, but… my greatest fear is that one day I won't be able to stand up anymore. That maybe one day my head will be screwed on so loose that I'll be walking around without realizing it fell off."

The dark wood of the ceiling stared back at me. Maybe I'll be pretending to be a frame so long that I'll forget that I'm not and all I'll be able to do when my house caves in is mourn.

"Why are you telling me this?" Kakashi murmured quietly. I turned the question over in my mind, along with what I just said, trying to find the point my brain was zig-zagging to get to.

I'm just a panel.

I'm not a frame.

"Because right now… I'm holding too much. I know that. But… I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to let go."

I reached over and picked up a bit of hair, twirling it between my fingers.

My team needed a home.

Even if it was unstable.

"I will," I took a deep breath, facing reality in the only way I knew how: headfirst, logistically, and with no cushion, "probably run myself into the grave trying to help them if I don't get any help. And I'd rather… die than not help them at all. I don't know why you're avoiding us, I don't know why you're scared…" I took another breath, letting go of what I wanted and faced what was reasonable "And you're not going to share… and I don't have a way to force you. It's just... how it is."

I sighed, as if trying to convince myself that the what if 's that followed that didn't exist. Naruto would most definitely not be happy if I tried to torture answers out of a unwell might-as-well-be child.

So. No answers for me.

"But I can't keep going like this." I continued, eyeing the tossed metal and meeting his eyes, trying desperately to convey how serious I was about this. "I can't . So whatever reason you have for running away, I need you to decide if you can be bigger than your fear…" I trailed off, pushing myself up and getting shakily to my feet. He watched me carefully as I stood over him, warmth and cool water brushing against the edge of my senses. "Or if you're holding too much. You have three days."

He stayed quiet, gnawing at the bottom of his lip and making some kind of mental judgement, before asking softly "And if I don't?"

A clattering came from outside the house, Inari and Naruto's voices vibrating around in an argument that I swear I heard was about ramen. Tsunami's laugh followed, light and cheerful.

"Then I can't trust you, and it'll be up to me to keep me and my team safe… whatever the cost. We'll abandon the mission, and we'll go home."

Kakashi started.

"You can't abandon the mission." He said. "The bridgebuilder will die."

The front door opened as my cornered beast hissed.

I raised my eyebrow. "Why would he die? You'll be mobile in three days, won't you?"

All of Kakashi stilled- his face, his body, his chakra.

I smirked ferally from behind his mask.

"Let me know sensei."

Chapter Text

Alright, I'll throw this out here right now: seeing as they were dead, it was a dick move.

I mean, it's not like there was ever a right way to deal with grief or the loss of a loved one. Personal reactions were recorded to be wide and varied, and I was thankfully inexperienced in the subject. Except for the wonderful, epic failure of me, myself, and I, all my family Before was still arguably alive. 

Grief interactions were more simple when you were being told of someone else's loss- usually requiring some sort of awkward empathy and a serious I'm-sorry-for-your-loss expression, but of course, as I'm sure I've said on multiple occasions: I hate dealing with people and comfort really wasn't my thing.

That being said, social convention certainly says that there's a wrong way to deal with death and, ah, well…

Y'all know exactly where this is going, don't you? 

So, yeah. Was I supposed to be laughing?

No. Not in the slightest. It was a total dick move.

Was that stopping me any?

Absolutely not.

"Sakura." Sasuke warned lowley, eyes closed in the proper empathetic reaction to the long list of dead people Kakashi apparently had. His hands clenched at the base of his knees as his body sat in rigid, respectful seiza position, and I daresay I saw actual aggravation color his tone.

Snorting through the hand pressed firmly and harshly against my mouth, I nodded rapidly- trying my damndest to swallow down the laughter that just would not stop. Tears dripped over my fingers as I struggled to breathe and smother down my totally inappropriate snickers at the same time. My face heated and flushed with the effort.

And holy hell was I failing miserably.

Laughing was a dick move. It really was. I shouldn't have been doing it and Kakashi's wraiths deserved more respect than what I was giving them. They were people once, just like me, and even a cowering asshole like Kakashi didn't deserve to be laughed at for having them ripped away from him.

But.

You know, um...

That being said.

It was ABANDONMENT ISSUES!

Can you fucking believe it? Abandonment issues! The man left me, left us- not because he was afraid of the fox or the responsibility or my crazy bitch ass- but because he was scared to get attached. Specifically- specifically he was scared to get attached because we might die- just like his dad, his friends, and sensei and whoever else kicked the bucket before he entered his whole 'hands-off I-don't-care coping phase' that I honestly wasn't listening to.

And dude, my personal vendetta against the man aside, I got that. Avoiding intimate relationships after losing someone special wasn't exactly rare- hell, it was practically prescribed! There were literal libraries on the subject.

But when you took the whole notion into context: us on a mission being stalked and hunted by a big ass sword guy that was apparently still alive (because of course the monster that haunted my dreams was still alive, why ever would he be conveniently dead- unable to hurt me or my boys?) with only the skills and knowledge of an unhinged, sorta-twelve-sorta-twenty-two little girl to help us. If you took the proverbial reaper just leering over our shoulders and the little, simple fact that we were so far out of our league we might've as well been hung up to slaughter- and then you added in the fact that Kakashi's whole goal was to keep us safe because apparently he was bad luck and a danger to those around him (he said this with confidence like he wasn't even dimly aware that Team 7 was THE bad-luck danger-danger extraordinaire- like, dude. You were practically hand made for our fuckery!) then FUCK ME if this wasn't the funniest shit I'd ever heard. 

"Sakura." Sasuke hissed through his teeth.

I pitched forward, damn near knocking Naruto over in my attempt to shove my laughter back inside- scrambling into a lopsided, incredibly amused, shivering ball of person. I could feel the disapproving gaze of Bubblegum's ancestors as I high jacked her body to commit blasphemy.

Oh, the irony.

Oh, the sweet tasting, contradictory, funny as all fuck IRONY.

So what if I went to hell for it. This needed to be laughed at.

"I'm trying!" I wheezed out, covering my face with my hands and biting my lip until I tasted blood. Even the wooden floor looked mildly disapproving as I coughed out half formed gawfs- trying and failing to ebb away my dickery. The poor man just laid his heart out in front of us, confessed his greatest fear and shared what I suspected to be his greatest regret, and here I was laughing like a dick. The sharp taste pricked at the back of my throat and did absolutely nothing to stop the mirth shaking my body. 

Sakura Raven Haruno, I thought, you are a dick.

Inner sighed.

You come by it honest enough.

"I- ha- ah, I swear I'm- mmh- I'm trying! It's just-!"

Hysterical giggles bubbled up and out of me, coming faster and harder the more I tried to cage them in. My chest ached wonderfully. I could only imagine how long it had been since I laughed so hard. 

Oh, Artemis we were so fucked up.

"He- ha- aha-," I rocked back and forth, my forehead gently thumping against Tazuna's floor with each motion. I really should not have been laughing! "It's like putting out a fire with kerosene-! HA, w-we, ah- just- pfft mmmhm- we should start a-a fucking psych ward- fwa, ah- like, raise yo-your hand if you- ha- you don't got a daddy-!"

Efforts were abandoned.

I could go no further.

The bridge builder's home was plagued by high-pitched shrieking laughter, vibrating through every corner of the space and every inch of my body. In the corner of the space, right where the living room met the kitchen, a very tired looking Tsunami held her hands over Inari's ears- already one with the program.

"Sakura, sweetie," she sighed, tone smoothed over as one who had said these three words more than she'd care to admit. Underneath her hands, Inari squirmed. "Your child filter?"

I nodded into my squeezed knees, showing I heard. Right. The child. Bad Sakura.

Somewhere in my head space, Inner sighed again, this time in resignation. There's no saving you now, Inner guessed, words smoothed over in a similar fashion. Is there?

I choked on a snort.

Bold of you to assume I could be saved.

Warmth sparked and a tingling sensation traveled down my spine as Naruto's fingers found the space in between my shoulder blades, ever the physical affectionist. The more time I spent with his chakra the more active I found it: how it always crept to the very edges of his skin anytime it got near another, always actively vying for a visceral connection and begging to be touched. In the same way I was becoming more familiar with Kakashi's too- how it swept and swayed at the smallest of stimuli, speaking longer and louder than the man probably ever did in his life. I could feel it even now, shuttering and fluttering as he tried to decide on how he should be taking this.

Naruto caught on to it too- although probably because he had the pure, essential empathy of a goddamned saint.

"Don't worry about Sakura-chan too much, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto assured fondly, tracing the back seam of my shirt. His chakra snuggled against my own, just as fond.

Although, technically it wasn't my shirt… it was his. I picked it up somewhere between shift 5 and 9, unable to find my own and just not caring enough to ask for assistance. I had a sneaking suspicion if it were anyone else but me Naruto might've raised a fuss, but with my inability to keep track of what I was wearing and my boy's insistence that I be covered at all times, we didn't really keep track anymore and they never fought my thieving tendencies. Hell, for all I knew, I could've been wearing Sasuke's pants. 

"She's just like this." He continued.

At that Kakashi's eyebrow drew inward, lips furrowing into a line of thought I had no trouble predicting, even from my position. From his own position, Sasuke decided to call me out and share.

"I'd call it worrying…" Sasuke muttered, eyes averted to the wall.

I uncurled myself, pushing gently against Naruto and whipping at my eyes- still giggling in spartom. Very carefully, slowly, and deliberately, I flicked him off. "Fu- ah- fuck you, pyro." I gasped out, fanning at my face with my free hand. "Call me when you get- ah- out of your- mmm- self imposed social isolation."

The man on the bed shifted in discomfort, either still getting used to our family dynamics or recalling a very distinctive moment when my little genius child threw a fireball at him. I wondered if perhaps he was forming a healthy dose of fear when it came to us. It could only do him good.

"Pyro…?" He asked nervously.

Naruto beamed beside me, entirely clueless to Kakashi's discomfort and more than happy to share.

"It's what Sakura-chan calls him," He offered our increasingly concerned now-sensei helpfully, sporting an adorable, dopey grin. "I'm sunshine and I get to call her when I stop 'emotionally masking', whatever that is." 

Kakashi's eye darted in between Sunshine and myself, looking more and more like a man who was starting to understand what they were in for. And yes, I took immense vindictive pleasure in it. 

"Does this mean you're gonna start teaching us stuff?" Naruto asked hopefully.

Kakashi hummed, body stiff and chakra shivering. "It's… probably for the best."

I heaved out a few more harsh breaths, forcefully rubbing my face with the palms of my hands as I felt myself finally calm down. Pressure built in my chest and bubbled. I pushed it down. 

"Ya?" I asked, tapping at my cheeks lightly to ease the soreness building up there. "Even if- gah- you- you're not cu-cut out for it?" 

My pitch rose at the end, choking on the need to laugh again. Because that's how he started his little I fucked up, I'm sorry, I'll stop being a coward speech: 'I'm not cut out to teach'.

That's also when I started laughing.

"Ah… I… I'm sorry about that…" he murmured, looking away in guilt.

Sasuke grunted, rearranging himself in his seat. A ripple went through his river. Sadly, his chakra wasn't as talkative as Kakashi's or as active as Naruto's. So far the only thing it clued me in on was when Sasuke was agitated. "Do you actually plan to stick around?"

Kakashi shrunk, pursing his lips. "I do." He said, averting his eyes.

It wasn't the most confident of declarations, but his sky blob remained true and steady- so I could only assume he meant it.

That's not to say there weren't already plans in place if he didn't.

But they didn't need to know about that.

Blankets shuffled and shrugged as Kakashi readjusted himself- undoubtedly searching for a way to keep us talking as a comfortable silence came over us. Well… comfortable for me and Sasuke anyways. Naruto intrinsically wasn't a fan of anything that could remotely be considered 'still' and I think I made Tsunami nervous anytime I kept quiet. Even now she kept her hands over Inari's ears, not trusting me in the slightest.

Kakashi hummed.

"I guess we should start on a plan to deal with Zabuza…" he offered slowly, probably thinking that was a good place to start.

Naruto perked up instantly, happy that the talking had come back and eager to brag. "Oh! Oh!" He said with a raised, waving hand. "We already have some of those!"

Kakashi's chakra bowed in confusion, his eyebrow raised. "You do?" He asked, turning to me for obvious reasons.

I nodded, hand through my hair and finally serious again. "Yeah," I admitted sheepishly. "Had several going since I woke up."

I offered the information as an explanation, but it only served to confuse him further. His lips twisted in a frown as his head drew back. "Didn't... you think he was dead?" He hedged.

I could only laugh at how careful his tone was, like he was trying to avoid setting off a landmine. Inner found it amusing as well.

I give it a week. She bet, throwing out a mental stack of bills out of absolutely nowhere. I immediately threw on two more, and then a third because that actually offended me.

Bitch. I grumbled, mentally showing her where to metaphorically shove it. Honestly, was this the kind of faith she had in me? I'll have him one with the program in a fucking DAY.

An ache echoed through my chest and cheeks as I leaned back on my ass and braced myself against my arms. "Yep!" I chirped with an impish grin. "But I didn't trust it one bit."

Naruto nodded along in agreement.

Sasuke sighed in unfortunate understanding.

Kakashi only stared- adopting the expression he seemed to be sporting anytime it came to me: I called it the Melon expression. 

You see, Before both my dad and my older brother were dyslexic. They mixed up words and numbers unwillingly, and in general it was a pain in the ass because everyone else in the stupidly big world read normally. But when they got together, when it was just them and words and whatever they were trying to do- holy hell did they vibe off of each other and leave us in the dust. I had so many fond memories of me and Momma running in circles around each other, scrambling to decipher just what the fuck they were reading and trying to figure out how the ever loving fuck does one go about making lemonade out of melons that Kakashi's face could only remind me of that time- like I was living off of something he kinda knew but wasn't sure if he read it correctly.

"God hates me, you know." I added on cheerily, propping my hand up on my cheek and preening over how the man's chakra wobbled.

He was confused.

Understandable, all things considered.

A long, loud snore came from the table before we could lapse into silence again. Tazuna had been slumped over the table- bottle in hands and three inches shy of dead to the world- since the moment he got home. It had become a routine of sorts: one he'd been following closely ever since Zabuza stopped by to introduce himself.

Looming reapers must be stressful. I mused, eyes flickering to him in pity.

Inner scoffed, her non-arms crossed and non-hip cocked. Is that some self awareness, I hear? 

Isn't that your job?

From the bed, Kakashi blinked up at me. Slowly. Dumbly.

Predictably, it was Sasuke who understood first what the problem was.

"You'll get used to her." Sasuke offered stoically, propping his own head on his hand. Even though it was the same motion I was doing, he somehow made it look more smooth and purposeful. I stuck my tongue out at him, the appendage pushing against the mask that I totally still had on.

Kakashi gave me a once over, painting a mental picture of me and my insanity. He sweatdropped. "Will I?" He asked no one in particular.

Sasuke didn't even have the decency to hide his rueful smile as he sighed in amusement- running a hand through his hair and rolling his eyes towards the ceiling.

"Well, it's not like you have a choice otherwise." He muttered shrewdly.

I was thankful Kakashi's mask covered my pout. That little brat. Did he have to say it like that?

Naruto agreed readily- completely ignorant to my inner grumbling- nodding along seriously. "Yeah!" He declared with the finality one might use to deem someone dead, "Sakura-chan's like a bull!"

Wait, what?

My pout turned into a frown. "Wait, bull?" I asked, sitting up and pulling at my shirt, "Why a bull?"

Naruto beamed at me, all sunshine, roses, and twelve year old confidence.

"Because you're stubborn and you smash things!" He answered with a smile.

"Wha..? I'm not-" 

My mouth froze as I started to object. An image of a bull rose up in my mind- strong, single-minded, undeterred, and arguably destructive and sort of scary. I thought it over.

Objectively speaking, I... suppose I could resemble a bull at times… I was sure was stubborn enough, but what did that have to do with Kakashi?

"What does that have to do with this?" I revised, huffing against the mask. Naruto beamed at me, like I just passed a milestone towards self-acceptance.

"Because you smash things Sakura-chan!" Naruto chirped back.

Collectively, the entire household shivered, no doubt remembering a different she hulk moment. I scowled. 

"That doesn't answer anything." I mumbled, twisting a lock of hair in my hands. The sunshiny stupid little saint had the balls to gape at me as if I told him I had no idea what two plus two was.

"Of course it does!" He insisted innocently.

Annoyance expanded in my chest.

"Sunshine-"

From the other half of Kakashi's bedside, Sasuke muttered something into his palm- something that sounded suspiciously like 'adjust or perish'. My eyebrow twitched as I zeroed in on him. 

"What. Was. That?" I asked him (not) calmly.

His face was a porcelain mask for its blankness. "He'll learn to love it." He parroted flatly. 

The man in question shuttered in silent opposition, his chakra cowering.

My eye twitched. Why did they have to make me sound like a homicidal maniac that kidnapped them? They joined the family of their own free will!

On the other side Naruto bobbed up and down, a light bulb over his head and hand waving in excitement. "Oh! Oh!" He cheered, practically vibrating with excitement. "Does that mean we're adopting sensei? Are we? Are we Sakura-chan?"

I bristled, the twirling of my hair turning into a sharp tug. "Eh?!"

Naruto twinkled at me hopefully, proving I hadn't misheard. Nausea rippled through me. Adopt the ghost? The one that left us?

"I'm not adopting shit!"

Naruto pouted. "But it'll be fun!" He argued, ignorant to how Kakashi's sky blob begged to differ, "He can come to our training sessions!"

"He was supposed to be going to those anyways!" I hissed.

Kakashi's chakra moped.

"But Sakura," Sasuke chimed in with a knowing look, "our friends are getting lonely."

A shiver went through me, our training sessions flashing before my eyes. Blown pupils, drawn fangs, and bristled fur haunted my back. 

"Those aren't friends!" I cried, hugging myself protectively and scooting away from the resident sadist, "Those are evil, vicious flea-bitten beasts that you summon to punish me!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, his eyes arguably stone slabs for all of the life they had in them. "What do you mean?" He asked (NOT) innocently. "Is there something you should be punished for, Sakura?"

Bubblegum's previous life choices once again slammed me upside the head.

"I apologized for the stalking!"

Kakashi's eye darted between us, becoming more and more and more concerned. "Stalking…?" I thought I heard him echo. Tsunami squeaked.

Sasuke hummed, making a show of scooting away from me slowly with the fakest plaster of unease I'd ever seen in my life. "You stalk people, Sakura?" He gasped, "How crude."

I didn't register jumping up until my hands were barely three inches from his neck- leaning in, ready to strangle him. "And I don't summon them." He added as my fingers took hold of the front of his shirt.

"Bullshit." I hissed, pulling him so we were nose-to-nose.

Naruto hummed merrily, playing with his fingers and totally unconcerned with the family antics. Kind of like that one relative who actually has their life together and still comes to the holiday diner to cook, even though the family's a wreak and someone's probably being arrested in the front yard. Kakashi eyed the door he couldn't walk to in desperation.

"I don't." Sasuke insisted importantly. "I don't know how to summon."

I scoffed.

"What does that have to do with anything?" I huffed. "You didn't know how to lockpick either and that didn't seem to stop you any!"

A week and a half before this not-a-C-rank fuckery, I had to drag both Naruto and Sasuke out of training ground forty something- some giant, evil looking forest with big sounding animals with no doubt so many teeth. The brats apparently made a bet on who could pick the lock the quickest despite Sasuke's ignorance on the subject, and Sasuke- being the stupidly talented genius that he was- won. And, you know, that was all well and good and all, and it's not like I expected anything less… but why there ??? I got six feet away from the gate and something roared at me!

Sasuke blinked, unaffected and unashamed. "That was a door. These are wolves." He said like it explained everything.

"Wolves….?" Kakashi may have whispered in horror. PTSD breathed along my spine. I could swear I saw the flash of the big grey one's eyes- that one liked chasing me the most- glinting in the corner.

"So I've met."

Sasuke looked away bored, inspecting his nails. "I don't summon them." He insisted. 

I had to hand it to him, he only slightly started when I started shaking him by his collar. 

"THEN WHERE DO YOU GET THEM!"

From the bed, Kakashi raised a weary and trembling finger. "Ah… aren't we getting off track here…?" Tsunami nodded her head in the corner, eyeing my fingers twisted in Kakashi's shirt in worry.

Naruto laughed, throwing his hands behind his head in a relaxed stretch. "Silly sensei! We don't have one of those."

If you've ever seen anyone be rudely and cruelly informed of a fear they didn't know they had- like someone with a height phobia figuring that out while looking down the railing of a skyscraper: that was Kakashi. 

"But really!" Naruto scrambled quickly, saint instincts pointing to assure Kakashi but misunderstanding his source for concern. "It works for us, and the wolves aren't as bad as Sakura-chan makes them out to be."

"You can only say that because they like you!" I seethed.

Kakashi looked away, understandably weary and unconvinced.

Naruto continued on, determined to make him feel better. "And it's not like you have to do anything, so you really don't have to worry, sensei." Naruto assured oh so kindly. "Sakura-chan's really good at taking people as they are."

I flinched, jostling the trapt Sasuke with the action. "Did I not just say I wasn't adopting him?"

From my mind, Inner snickered, still pissed off about the hair. Ask him what he has in his pantry, she jibbed, It'll save you some time.

Sasuke sighed longley and forlornly, dangling from my fist like a mermaid tied to a mantle of a ship. "Welcome to the psych ward, I guess…" He muttered, river rippling.

A tick formed on my forehead.

"Oi! Boys! Listen to me when I talk!"

"Sakura…" Kakashi sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "It's just a talk…"

I waved my arms to the space between us in open invitation. "I'm not stopping you. Go ahead."

"You're... twenty feet away…?"

I smiled sweetly.

"It's a reasonable distance, sensei, seeing as you waited until you were mobile and able to access your chakra before having this talk."

His sky blob shuttered in guilt.

Offhandedly, I wondered if reapers could be ghosts.

"So. ¿Qué paso, mi amor? Problem?"

Chapter Text

I'd like to say I was surprised the world was such a dick to me, but we all know that's a lie.

So, on this week's Fun Fact of the Day (starring your resident, loveable crazy person): You know how Rome wasn't a thing Here and yet Latin seemed to be surviving just fine? Yeeeeaaahhh… apparently Spain wasn't given the same certiousy. 

Kakashi's chakra broiled and spilled over, tinging the air with something both sharp and cold- like a glass of water pooled over peppermint. His eyes narrowed in suspicion.

I cast my eyes to the sky, sending a brief, exasperated prayer to Lady Artemis.

True to the 'Screw You' doctrine of the universe that we all know and love, Spanish didn't exist Here. 

Wonderful.

"It means 'what's up'." I offered slowly, shuffling my feet and twisting my fingers. "In, uh… in Spanish."

Kakashi stiffened, drawing himself up taller. I have to tell you, he was much less menacing when he was bedridden and afraid. Static slithered over my tongue.

"Spanish?" He echoed hauntingly. It reminded me of one of the few ghost stories I knew: a little girl got trapped in a well and died, and then spent every year after luring others to join her by calling their names softly- begging for help.

"Yeah," I forced around the thick lump coagulating at the back of my throat. "Spanish."

He said nothing; a handful of leaves spiraled between us, twisting and eroding away in the mist. Inner built and braced herself. Escape routes flew through my mind and fell away- much like a man perched at the side of the Brooklyn Bridge, ready to see it all done.

"Tell me about your god." Kakashi ordered suddenly, his tone softer than I predicted it being. It was firm and undeniable, but there was no harshness. No anger.

At his sternum his chakra slumped. Static melted until all I could taste on my tongue was numb.

Fear crawled around in my gut.

That wasn't the order I was expecting.

"Lady Artemis?" I asked wearily, scanning every part of his core for any clues as to where this conversation was going. It was practically caving in on itself, and I hadn't the slightest idea what that meant.

Does she even allow boy followers? Inner muttered, trying her best to ease our rising tension.

I swallowed down the pinpricks flushing up and down my spine. Dunno. Maybe if he hunts?

"She's the goddess of the moon-" I said as calmly as I could. I had no idea if Kakashi could hear the shake in my tone I could feel, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways. 

I mentally cursed as nerves pried my mouth open and kept my tongue loose. Inner facepalmed.

I was rambling again. 

"- hunter of beasts," I continued, waving my arms and hating myself for every second of it, "hater of men, patron to all lesbians everywhere. Well. I mean. Probably. I decided so. She has these Hunters, right? Hunters of Artemis. All women and no men. So I take it she's more of a girl's girl if you know what I mean… like, all the way around. I mean, that's not to say you can't join the religion but I don't know exactly where you would fit... " I gasped as a thought occurred to me, hand covering my mouth. "Aw shit. I'm so sorry, was I assuming your gender? I can address you differently if you want."

A disgruntled grunt and loud splash sounded from farther behind us as Kakashi sighed in despair and ran his hand over his uncovered face.

His mask had… mysteriously disappeared sometime after our come-to-jesus meeting. And no, I had not the slightest idea where it went.

… Really.

She set it on fire.

"That… won't be necessary." He assured blandly. His eye dragged upwards, hollower than the well he softly called from. "She gave you your eyes?" He asked.

I misinterpreted, blinking at him in an award-winning performance of dumbass energy. "Sensei…" I started slowly. "That's ridiculous. I've always had eyes."

A leaf twirled between us. Inner banged her head on the side of my mental wall.

Oh my god… Wannabe!

Kakashi was merciful, reconnecting the dots for me.

"Not brown ones." He corrected carefully.

I flushed, embarrassed that that just flew over me. Ohhhh.... Right . Of course he wasn't asking if Lady Artemis gave me eyes… that'd be stupid wouldn't it? All people had eyes.

Inner groaned pitifully, fisting her hair in frustration. WANNABE, She moaned in dispair at my irremovable stupid, HE'S ASKING ABOUT THEM.

Them?

It took a few seconds. The Big They flashed across my mind.

Oh. Them .

The implications took a second longer.

Oh. OH SHIT.

My heart leapt into my throat.

Oh. We were… we were finally having this conversation, weren't we? Fuck. Oh fuck. Uh, well… Jesus, what the fuck was I supposed to do? Um. Ok. Alright. Cool. Ah…. Ok! New T&I survival plan: I am the Luna Lovegood of this godforsaken therapy-less murder manga, and fuck it all to hell and back- if I die, I die.

"Oh no, " I answered seriously, for once letting my thoughts bounce and doing nothing to put them back in order, "No, that was the they-dey and they are only a god to believers. I'm a bird."

Inner slammed against the back of my eyes, very opposed to my plan.

Of course I'm opposed! She shrieked angrily, That's NOT A PLAN!

Kakashi sighed tiredly, running his hand through his hair. The grass at our feet rustled in the wind. Riding its back was Naruto's voice, yelling at a tree for hating him still.

"Do you know why I called you out here, Sakura?" Kakashi asked, his expression collapsing in a way that mirrored his core: drooping jawline, downturned lips, and dead, empty eyes.

Resignation , I realized. That's what his chakra's doing .

I shuffled backwards, tugging at the strands of hair resting near my face and praying desperately to Lady Artemis. "Something Sakura-friendly?" I asked hopefully.

His chakra sank.

Holy fuck, I was gonna die, wasn't I?

"What do you know about kekkei genkai?" He asked softly.

I hummed, shoveling through Bubblegum's vaht of knowledge determined not to start freaking out until it was absolutely necessary. "Ah, other than that I shouldn't have one… it's important? Coveted? Feared?"

I twittled my fingers as he stared me down, backing away a few steps more.

"Konoha is all about the bloodlines," I continued, mentally hoping that would work in my favor. He hadn't moved yet… "But there's a lot of grey in between. Hidden in the Mist had a thing about them, right? It was a death sentence?"

Kakashi had a lot of chakra. It wiggled and wrangled to the tips of just about everything , and at the words 'death sentence' it shrank to the point it could've fit in my fist.

I made a soft, keening, pained sound before I could swallow it down. It was only by sheer luck that I hadn't started crying.

"Yeah" He sighed. "The blood wars." 

He took a step forward. "No one in your family has one?"

"Ah, no. No, I'm pretty sure they don't. Mamma's a merchant, Daddy follows her around everywhere and no siblings to speak of for any of us really. And it's not like we have a Mary Sue cousin in the basement." He took another. I scrambled back. "I mean, we might, but it's not a cousin and I don't think we have a basement. We have a shed, does that count?"

"Sakura," Kakashi warned heavily, "I need you to be serious for a moment here. I need you to pay attention, ok? It's important."

A shiver went down my spine and I kept my hands in front of me protectively. Just in case.

"Ok," I breathed, "Serious. I can do that."

Kakashi put his hands in front of him as well: flat-palmed and facing me.

(- I won't hurt you it said I promise- )

"Have you noticed anything odd physically," he asked, keeping his hands where I could see them but creeping too close for comfort, "Other than your change in strength?"

"Odd." I echoed, moving so the space between us stayed the same. "With me, you mean."

He nodded.

I swallowed. "I mean… I can't sleep for shit, but that's normal. It's always been like that. I mean, not always always- I swear I sleep sometimes-"

His eyes narrowed. I trailed off, adjusting twenty feet to twenty-two. "Um. Nothing else…"

"Sakura..." He sighed.

My qwirk presented itself: full, front, and center.

"I mean, my muscles are getting bigger, like extra extra big! And I've lost some weight-" Kakashi's eye widened, alarmed, and I was left scrambling. Rambling and rambling and scrambling. "-but I've had training for that, you know? I mean, not training for that but you know what I mean. You see, Sasuke says he doesn't know how to summon-"

"Sakura."

"-Which is total bullshit because there's no way he can have all those wolves otherwise , I mean. I know because I looked it up at the library- a wonderful place to go, by the way, if you haven't been- and while yes there are some wolves that live in surrounding area -"

" Sakura. "

"-But they're contracted. Left over from the last shinobi war by the Hatake Clan- which, I mean, you already know, or at least you should. It's your clan- so I know it's not them. And then after that the most dangerous four legged thing Konoha has indigenousally is-"

" Sakura! " 

Kakashi's voice cut through like an obelisk in a sheet of snow. My hands hung limply from where I was waving them. 

"-Foxes." I finished quickly.

Kakashi held his hands up higher, spreading his fingers and making his gesture of peace more obvious. 

"Sakura?"

"Yeah...?"

"Focus."

I flushed again, putting my arms back in front of me. My heartbeat reached to the tip of my fingers and the very ends of my toes. "Right," I wheezed. "Sorry. Focusing."

Kakashi inched forward further, something I really wish he wouldn't do. Spikes of electricity bolted through my legs as twenty-two became twenty. My hands twitched as the leaf he stepped on snapped in half. 

"Anything else?" He pressed. "Muscle pain, weakness, headaches? Any fevers?"

The murder migrane I had at Tsunami's table crossed my mind. 

"Uh, perhaps?" I answered, backing away further and pressing my hand against the nearest tree. The dusty, rustic feeling of the bark went all the way into my lungs- green, teal, and frost drifting from my fingers to my core to my lips. They tingled as I continued. "Although I'm pretty sure that was the they-day being pissed I didn't say thank you. They were really insistent on it but I was more concerned about Big Money Man and his Big sword guy and the floor burning. I mean, I think it was a floor. It could've been. In any case I wasn't exactly going to thank them-"

The tingling spread out- to my throat to my fingers to my toes. It vibrated. Etcha-a-sketched. Smeared. Color smudged and spilled and overlapped and overlayed and I was so sure I could hear someone soothing, someone whispering-

(- use us little sister they sang, a siren on the footfalls of rain call on us- we will help you, we are one- )

"Sakura!"

I took a deep breath, took my hand off the tree. The feeling faded. The whispers dissolved.

"-which really doesn't matter because I am focusing right now and have had a migraine since then." 

Kakashi was frozen with one hand half out-stretched.

(- please let me help it said please please please- )

"No, um… no fevers." I smiled awkwardly, curling away from him and ducking underneath a branch.

He followed slowly, hands still raised in faith.

"Have you had any strange visitors?" He asked.

Adrenaline crashed through me. My beast rose with a violent hiss.

(- he dares play cat and mouse it seethed he dare assume us to be prey- )

"You mean of the pedophiliac variety? Because there's a store clerk a block from my house that's one good reason away from meeting god."

( -to dare prey on younglings, how dare he prey on younglings -) 

"I meant personal visitors."

I found myself hunching further, slinking backward like a cat being stalked. Foliage crackled underneath my feet.

"Like… when?"

Kakashi followed easily- a well trained hunter with a mission to fulfill.

"Anytime between the team selections and now." He answered calmly.

His displayed hands no longer gave me comfort. Every instinct screamed at me to run.

(- not without what is ours the beast snarled we will not leave our younglings we will not -)

"Team selections?" I threw back emptily. "Nothing comes to mind. I mean, I had a very invested tailor come to my door last week but Sasuke says that's because I went to the library with no shirt. Why do you ask?"

Shade covered him. Chill covered me.

We stood at attention. 

Ready. 

Waiting.

"Come here." He said.

My beast refused.

(- never it hissed a trick, he uses tricks -)

My eyes flickered to the space between us. "Uh, no thank you."

"Sakura-" 

Kakashi tried to move closer. We struck- fist crunching into the tree we had abandoned-

(- the one that called us sister, the one that offered themselves to aid us, the one that called us one- )

-watching coldly as it fell at our feet: a safe barrier between us and our hunter.

In a brief moment of disassociation, I noted the plural. Collectively, we decided it was irrelevant.

"If you want us to go anywhere near you," we warned, "you're gonna have to explain first, pretty boy."

The hunter fell back, fear tinging the taste of the air. We readied ourselves as he bowed- hands up, nearing the ground in submission.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He said softly. Slowly.

We tasted no lie but held our suspicion. Fight or flight eased. 

"We don't believe you." We say honestly, pulling up from our crouch. The hunter stays vulnerable- now on his knees, low to the floor and easy to attack.

"It's a routine check up Sakura." He placated softly. The name tears at us, prying me away from my beast and soothing the thundering storm galloping through my veins. My vision splinters: prey and boys and Kakashi and younglings. From very, very far away I could hear Inner swearing to get us an appointment with a Yamanaka when we get home- even if she has to do some 'voodoo, symbiotic shit' to get there. 

Kakashi eased up from his kneeling position, hands still raised.

He's treating me like a rabid animal, I thought, annoyed. 

"I'm just going to check your chakra." He continued, nearing the tree we(...?) struck down. (This was just ridiculous. I was dealing with far too much to be going through something as stupid as an identity crisis. Like, what the actual shit?)

The words registered rather quickly. As did my response.

"My chakra ?" I echoed, both alarmed and afraid. My arms instantly wrapped around my middle, hiding it away from the delusional man in front of me as I backed away. "Um, no offense to the newly reformed, Mr. Ghostie… but you can't even wrap up a pair of bloody hands! Why in the everloving fuck would I allow you near my chakra?!" 

Kakashi followed urgently, hopping my (our?) barrier with little to no effort and only pausing when he caught sight of my hand placed on another one. 

"And also," I added, prepared to take down as many trees as was needed to keep him away from me and shamelessly switching from defense to offense, "I do believe I required an explanation not a pleasant reassurance."

He inched nearer to me, his chakra vibrating in fear. "Sakura, please. You're not well -"

"I'm well enough for consent!" I attacked mercilessly, curling my hands into a fist. "Being a teacher doesn't give you the right to refuse that! So either give me an explanation as to why you want to check my chakra or I reserve the right to break anything I can reach."

He held his hands up, like that meant anything.

"I'm trying to help you!" He cried.

My hands went up in a position capable of much more violence, fists ready and fully prepared to protect myself.

" Then explain ."

Various splashes rang between us followed by Naruto's bright laughter. In the distance, I could hear Sasuke curse.

Kakashi was the first to fold.

"I... don't want to alarm you until I know for sure." He murmured, lowering his hands and taking a step back. His chakra quivered in a pattern I was becoming all too familiar with: fear, guilt, and shame.

Another familiar friend bubbled up as I lowered my hands as well- trying desperately to convince myself that I did not need to murder my teacher and to give the man a break since he was trying. "That's a nice sentiment," I grumbled, taking a step back and tugging at Sasuke's shirt, "But your chakra seems to be plenty damn sure already. Stop with the theatrics."

Kakashi slumped. "Sakura…" He began, no doubt beginning some sort of 'I am a Teacher' speech that would inevitably end up in pity-party territory.

I wasn't having it.

"I don't do this whole 'protect the princess of the group' bullshit Hatake." I said, crossing my arms and cocking my hip. "I don't have time for that. Ditch your unappreciated cilvery and lay it on me: what's wrong and how bad is it?"

The man looked to the side, his sky blob drowning in self-loathing. "It's… not good."

A tick formed on my forehead. I swallowed down my first response and rearranged it into something more friendly. 

Something told me this relationship of ours was going to need a hell of a lot of work.

" Yeah, so I've gathered ." I said, gesturing at myself in florish. Never let it be said I wasn't self aware. "Now: give it up. Since you sent the boys away it's either nothing too concerning or something that would freak them out. Given that you wanna play doctor, I'm banking on the latter. So?"

I waved him on in encouragement. The man shrunk.

I'm getting the sense that adults are just a myth here...

"Are you sure?" He asked quietly.

I sighed in aggravation. "I'm a big, smart girl, ghostie- I've killed a man and everything. I know it's not good. Go on ."

He hesitated, rubbing at the back of his neck. I felt like I had waited enough.

" Hatake, I swear to Artemis-"

"Ok!" He sighed, hands up in surrender. "Ok. I'll tell you."

He looked at me and I motioned for him to get the fuck on with it or so help me-

"Your chakra…" He began, his own slumping further and further with each word, "is erratic. It has been since the day of team selections, and we didn't know why. We had you under surveillance for the first few weeks in case you were a spy-"

" Did you now."

"But the Hyuuga assigned to you assured us you were still Sakura."

I somehow managed to school my expression. Inner gaped openly, her non-jaw hitting the non-floor.

What. The. Shit . She whispered in disbelief, They noticed ? They noticed and you still passed?

I nodded, determined to pay attention. "Ok."

"We launched an investigation: talked to your family- or at least tried to- to see if there were any deaths in the family or any traumatizing events…" His sentence drawled off slightly, and predictably I could already feel my auditory processing crashing. I cut in, trying to move us along.

"I sense that this explanation could go faster, sensei," I mentioned bluntly. "You're finally putting faith in me, which is cool, but that faith is really misplaced if you think I can pay attention like this. Can I get the short version? ¿Por favor?"

He nodded, bracing himself in a visible preparation of what was to come. I held my breath, prepared for the worst.

The seconds felt like hours.

My heart pounded anywhere it could reach.

My fist tightened as he opened his mouth- ready.

Waiting.

Prepared.

"You've awakened a kekkei genkai." Is what he finally said.

Oh for the love of-! Inner threw an imaginary bowl of popcorn at my mental wall, pulling at her hair. If he chased us around a forest just for that, I'm going to fucking kill him!

My train of thought ran a similar track as I artfully resisted the urge to smack him.

You've got to be kidding me...

"Uh, yeah ." I said, rolling my eyes and praying to Artemis for strength. "We already established this."

Kakashi ran a hand through his hair, frowning in equal frustration. "Sakura," He sighed, throwing his hand out in an uncharacteristic show of emotion, "you don't understand -"

I cut in, so not about to be lectured on my apparent ignorance by the man meant to explain it away. "Then teach me sensei. That's why we're out here, right?" 

He sighed again, rubbing at his face and coming back up serious. 

"Kekkei genkai are bloodline traits ." He explained, stressing those two words with deadly severity. "They're generally inherited, and always unique, but they're meant to emerge from an old or strong shinobi line- not a random civilian with no shinobi blood."

My patience with this talk was diminishing rather quickly as I shuffled my feet and glared at the setting sun.

" Please tell me we aren't out here for some political xenophobic bullshit, sensei." I begged hotly.

To my surprise, he laughed. "I wish. You'll certainly encounter some when we get back home, but I have a feeling you can take them."

I raised an eyebrow. "So what's the problem, then, if it's not that I'm a civilian?"

He looked at the ground, somber. "It's that you're the first." He said. "I've gone over all the records… anything the village had available. The first one to awaken a new bloodline…"

He trailed off, looking at the setting sun as if it might give him strength. After a moment he finished the thought. "It… doesn't usually end well for them."

"Politically?" I asked.

He shook his head sadly. "Sometimes yes, sometimes no, but I'm talking more in a physical sense. Awakening a kekkei genkai disrupts the flow of chakra. In an inheritor the body adjusts according to the genetic code they were born with, but with the first…"

"It has to figure it out." I finished, catching on to the point of this talk and why he-who-couldn't-wrap wanted to play doctor. A sinking feeling settled in my stomach. "I can only assume there are consequences to disrupted chakra." I guessed.

Kakashi nodded, for once looking every bit the sensei I was: exhausted, worried, and lost.

"Yes, but they're varied. History has listings for everything from blindness to psychosis. We can't predict it. Under different circumstances I'd order you not to use it until we could get back to the village…" 

His eyes met mine: grey clashing against brown.

The realization dawned.

"But mine doesn't turn off." I said, the implications sinking in. " Fucking hell . And since it's new… we don't have a time line either, do we?"

Kakashi nodded in guilt- so much guilt, it twisted and gutted him and wrung him dry, I could see it, I could taste it, he was drowning in it - but offered nothing else by way of explanation. Instead, his mouth opened once, then closed, then settled in determination. "I don't know how you got this bloodline-" He began.

I cut in again, annoyed and slightly detached. "The They-day, I told you."

He waved me off.

"Sure, sure."

My eye twitched. That sounds like a dismissal...

"But I promise I'll find out. I'll do everything I can to help you Sakura, but I'll need you to keep me updated on your physical state. If you feel sick or anything out of the ordinary, I need you to tell me- immediately ." He said it so severely, he had my full, undivided attention.

My attention strayed downward.

(- downing, writhing, twisting, breaking, it's my fault, I'm to blame, it's all my fault -)

My eyes narrowed. 

"You're skipping something." I declared.

I watched his sky freeze. Wobble. Collapse.

"What is it?" I demanded.

Fear permeated his entire being. Blues and whites begged for me to stop. 

"Sakura-"

Somewhere far off I could still hear echoes of what was waiting for me when I tried to sleep tonight.

Blindness?

Psychosis?

" Kakashi . I do not have time for your weirdly discovered protectiveness. You're freaked the fuck out- I can see it. It's my life, it's my body, and it's my bloodline. What's the problem? "

How much worse?

How bad does it get?

His lips shook as he answered, eyes closed in the shame his chakra screamed.

"Those varied side effects… are if you last in the long term. There's also a 40-50% chance that in the first week your body won't be able to take the strain… a- a-and-"

His voice broke.

The dots connect. 

I blanked, wide-eyed and empty.

The thought refuses to sink in.

I'm left detached.

Empty.

Abandoned.

"I die." Someone with a bell-like voice says.

It's monotone.

It's mine.

"You were going to keep that from me." She says brokenly. Tears are building at the base of her eyes and she doesn't want the one in front of her to see them fall. She doesn't think he deserves to be with her in her pain. "You weren't… going to tell me."

This is too much.

For her.

For me.

"It's all my fault." 

The one in front of her swallows. She can see his grief. Can see how he despairs over his inaction. Over his cowardice. 

"I just wanted to make it right." He says.

Her head shakes slowly.

Her chest heaves.

She feels betrayed .

"That's… not how you make things right." She chokes out. "Keeping me ignorant, keeping us at an arm's length… you're… you're running away ."

The earth at her feet shutters.

Her chakra reaches out beyond her shaking body.

Her brown eyes glow gold.

"I was trying to protect you-"

She's screaming.

Quietly screaming.

Screaming without making a sound.

"No you're not… You're… protecting yourself . I told you I didn't want it, Kakashi. I told you I wanted to know."

Her tears fall with the force of hailstorms.

She can't take any more.

"I don't care if I die." She says to the air in front of her. 

She doesn't look at anything in particular. 

She can't see through her tears. 

"It happens . People live. People die. Some people kill people because they don't wanna die and other people die because someone wants to live. Other people die for no reason at all."

She faces the man in front of her.

She hates how she understands.

She loathes how she can't properly hate him.

"I can forgive that. But I gave you my trust when you said you'd teach us. You promised you wouldn't run away. You lied ."

She wishes she didn't break for other people.

"Forgive me-"

She wishes her heart was so much smaller.

" No ."

She inhales shakily.

The forest shutters with her.

"You will have my forgiveness when you man up and face your mistakes. You abandoned us when we needed you. You neglected us. Lied to us. You ran away . And you know what Hatake? YOU are going to explain to Sasuke and Naruto I might be gone in a week, not me."

She's loudly sobbing when she turns and runs.

She doesn't hear her family crying her name.

She doesn't stop.

She should.

She shouldn't be alone right now.

I watch her collapse on the ground all alone.

I sigh as night falls.

Hypocrite. Inner murmured softly, holding my hand tightly.

I lean into her, head lying on her shoulder as I watch myself break.

"No… " I whisper. " That's only human."

Chapter Text

You know…. I understood as a general rule that decisions made whilst in the middle of an emotional breakdown and/or dissociative episode weren't exactly going to be smart, but emotional me really needed to get a clue as to regular me's limits.

I mean…. really. 

Just. 

Just look at this shit.

Well, Inner sighed, rubbing her hands against her non-face in both exhaustion and understandable frustration, It's official. We've been here before.

Her voice rang in between my ears like one of those cave echoes we humans were so fond of forming: repetitive, inconsequential, and downright inescapable. 

The palm of my hand stung softly as I stumbled forward- arms out. Touch was the only sense properly cooperating in the green-dripped nightmare I found myself in, and that seemed to come with its own dangers. 

I snorted, bracing my hand against the nearest tree (the same tree I was only slightly sure I hadn't passed already) and blowing a puff of wind in the misty air.

Have we? I muttered back sarcastically, eyes flicking to the darkened dirt at my feet.

Memory had the soil sitting at a dark, rustic brown color- like something you'd see bagged as fertilizer if we were in a better world- but now I couldn't see any of it. If the natural chakra hovering over the trees during the day was dizzying, then the natural chakra hovering over the trees during the night was practically blinding. It was like a fog: hazy colors layered on top of one another obscuring anything and everything in my line of sight.

I could barely see my own two feet.

How can you be sure?

I've seen that shade of green before. She grumbled around her fingers, following my line of sight.

I squinted at the shade she was referring to with a scrunched up nose. It was hovering over what I assumed to be the ground given where my feet were, but honestly my spatial awareness was total shit right now. Everything was so fuzzy!

That's literally the same green as that green, I thought back, motioning to the green dusting my fingers from what had better have been a goddamned tree.

She frowned, leaning in to take a closer look.

No… she argued slowly, pulling up a comparison, that green isn't GREEN green like the other green is. That one's less green.

My eyes ping-ponged between the two, a pulse building between my temples. Even with my head tilted slightly and eyes crossed, I swear to you it was the same fucking green.

Everything was the same shade of cursed, kekkei genkai green.

I groaned, shaking the trees around me with the sheer force of it. Bird shuffled and twittered from somewhere high above me, one flying across the hung moon like a shadowed monster circling its prey's campfire. 

The moon was the one thing I could make out properly.

Despite the never ending mist that plagued the land of waves' soil and the torrent of clouds that always hung around in the daytime, this place had the most beautiful skies during the night. 

Dear Artemis, the stars were bright. They were bright and visible to the point that I couldn't count them all if I tried. They were an aurora on top of a galaxy on top of a picture I'd only seen before spread out in paint, and it was the same no matter where I ventured to. Kohona too, had the most beautiful skies. They were ripe with stars and so big and wide- and, unfortunately, the land below them was just as big and just as wide.

My forehead smacked the nearest flat surface. Artemis, I thought, we are so lost.

Inner nodded in reluctant agreement, peering out into the never-fucking-ending green. Yes, she hummed in defeat, so very, very lost.

The forest night around us hummed with her: vibrating in a cacophony of content wildlife, loose leaves, and muttered curses (provided by yours truly). It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once- murmuring around us without any set origin. 

It reminded me of a horror movie in a way… like we were the stars and the score had just begun.

It was doing wonders for my stress levels.

Wonders, I tell you.

What do you think are the chances you ran in a straight line?

Stumbling over a root that cuffed at my foot and oh so gracefully stubbing my toe on the nearest hard surface, I yelped something incomprehensible. My foot throbbed from my toenail to my Achilles. 

Straight? I coughed, hopping around in pain and mentally cursing the forest in all its entirety, Nothing I do is straight.  

I was given no response beyond a tired sigh.

I'd been out here for hours. Fucking hours. How many hours, I couldn't say, but it was all spent blankly staring at foresty-colored blotches spelled out in a devine, fuzzed-up 'fuck you' that just wouldn't go away. And no matter how much I scrunched up my face, no matter how tight I squinted, no matter where I turned and what angle I stumbled around in- I couldn't make out anything else. Even Naruto's sun was lost to me, and there were no words to describe how giant that thing was.

All I see is green. I muttered, tapping at the ground with my foot like a blind man's cane and inching forward. 

Artemis, I hoped this was an adjustment period. I hadn't the slightest idea what I was going to do if forest's left me blind when the sun went down.

What kind of green? Inner asked shrewdly. I pretended not to see her wiggle her eyebrows. It'd been a bit of a day, if you know what I mean.

It's all the same green woman. I pointed out hotly.

Inner crossed her arms in defiance. It was just to spite me, I swear.

Is not. She argued.

A tick formed on my forehead and no, there was no cracking of innocent forest life anywhere near me, I swear.

Is to. I argued back, dusting bits of bark off my palms. (They got there magically, honest!)

IS NOT.

IS TO.

IS NOT!

I grunted, doubling over in agitation and running my hands across the ground. Half-dead and aged foliage tumbled in between my fingers as the Land of Waves crackled at me, poking at odd points across my palms. I pulled at the first piece of plant life that seemed long enough and waved it around in front of me where Inner could see.

How is that a different green?! I demanded, flipping and flopping the little strip of green around in the equally green air.

Never one to disappoint, Inner jumped at the chance to, ah… educate me.

She pointed at the green tip of the green grass importantly, drawing out her words like she was talking to a two year old. That is jade green, she informed me with flourish, then moving her finger to point to what was probably a tree in front, and that is forest green.

I compared the two to say I cooperated.

I cannot express enough how they were the same fucking color.

I decided to adjust my approach so she could see how moronic she was being.

Well, yeah. I drawled out, painting a glorious 'you dumb-ass bitch' with every syllable and twirling around my weed like a rose in the hands of one of those dick-prince types, We're IN a forest…?

Inner bristled instantly, and let me tell you: it was everything.

That , she ground out, has nothing to do with the green.

Actually… I sang out, fully aware of what I was doing, I should think it has everything to do with the green. Care to educate me on what in the ever-loving-fuck a 'jade green' is?

She gestured to the grass in my hands in exasperation. YOU'RE HOLDING IT!

It was, and I cannot stress this enough, absolutely no different than the green we were referring to before. 

I waved it around, morbidly interested in how I could feel it bend without seeing it happen. I blinked slowly and deliberately, preening at my new game. It felt like I hadn't had one in forever.

I will have you know I'm holding a weed.

Probably.

Whatever response Inner had for me was cut off harshly by an animalistic shriek vibrating through the air around us. I flinched and looked around for the source, eyes flickering up to the canopy above me and below me to the grass hitting the floor. 

All that greeted me was green upon green upon green fuzz. Inner tensed.

What… was that?

I shivered.

Something green? I offered with no small amount of spite.

Another shriek answered the first, louder and much closer than Green Fuzz Monster number one. Patches of black flew across my line of sight as birds around us fleed. The canopy shuttered.

Wannabe. Inner said shortly, understandably unnerved, Get us home. Now.

I laughed softly, cuffing at the grass of the floor and rubbing at my aching foot with the other hand.

Home, I thought sarcastically, Riiiiiiiigghhht. And I take it you think I'm wandering around this god-forsaken forest for fun?

Inner was having none of it.

I don't care, she demanded. Get us out of here.

We could wait for the green. I offered lazily. See if it wants to eat us or not.

Inner scrunched up her nose. Proposition DENIED.

I sighed, defeated. Yeah… thought not.

Hands up, I started feeling around the bark and scuffing my feet against the soil like a blind man. The ground was solid, thank Artemis, and damp like everything else in this place- but there didn't seem to be any discernible difference between Step One and Step Two. There was nothing pointing to me being on a hill or around any protruding vegetation, which sucked because shrubs were the "WALKING PATH THIS WAY" sign of the ever-growing Land of Waves. I could see the stars well enough- which was a little cool because they were the same as Before, so I knew where north was- but seeing as I had no idea where north was in relation to Tazuna's house… that was… useless. Any type of 'forward' was equally as useless. All I got was green. I couldn't see Sasuke and Naruto's chakra either (Kakashi was dead in my eyes). Given how beacon-like Naruto's was, either I was too far away to properly see them outside of the green or I had been out for awhile. 

So, yeah. All unfortunate options for me. 

Now… assuming I didn't run too too far away, I always had the option of ah, actively getting their attention. I mean, it wouldn't be hard. All I had to do was hit a few trees and make a racket- and holy shit was I down for that on more than one identifiable level- but there were also the other occupants of the forest to consider. You know, of the non-friendly variety.

This would be a good hide-out space, wouldn't it? Inner mused, glancing up at the trees and how far up they went. The fuzz went up for a while. Like little tree houses at the very top.

An image of a chibi Zabuza in a children's tree house came to mind, asking for a password in that 'die, motherfucker, die' voice of his.

It was unnerving.

I deadpanned. Also good for surprise attacks from above…

Right now I was relying on the They-dey being an indiscrimatory asshole and only that. I happened to remember very vividly that Zabuza had a sun-sized core of his own, so with any luck I could see that coming and not have to deal with a sneak attack.

Hopefully.

I mean, not that it would help me much.

Yeah… Inner admitted ruefully as I sized up the nearest piller of green fuzz. Direction was shit and sight was damned, so my next option was- sadly- to climb up. Maybe green-hellscapes had a radial limit or something? That would screw us over pretty good if we were attacked right now, wouldn't it? Do we have any weapons?

I ran my hands over Sasuke's shirt and my mini shorts, feeling for tools. It would certainly make climbing the fuzz piller easier, which, of course, meant I didn't have any. Patting at the fabric and taking a full inventory, I decided I hated myself.

Dude… I don't even have shoes.

Inner blanched. What the- again? What is with you and losing your clothes? You had shoes yesterday! Where did they even go?

I shook my head, reaching for the nearest protruding thing hoping to Artemis it was stable. It should've been… all the trees in the Land of Waves were hefty boys.

You're asking the wrong me, I huffed, pulling myself up in a delicate balance of gentle force. It was just enough to get me up, but not enough to crack the branch (hopefully).

Inner scoffed. If you're telling me to ask emotional you, you can go fuck yourself.

Fuzz gritted into my palms as I felt my way up. It was an… odd sensation for something so fuzzy looking to feel so rough. Almost as if I went to pet a cat and it came out as a snake.

Don't be too angry with her, I placated tonelessly, heaving up on another branch. The green was getting brighter the closer I got to the leaves, but it was also hugging closer to the actual tree. A thrill went through me. I might be able to fucking see!

She's usually busy.

Inner huffed, crossing her arms and wordlessly celebrating with me. She didn't like this blind-man shit either. Should you really be seperating yourself like that? It can't be healthy.

At that I openly laughed, hiking a leg over a branch. Yes, because I am totally the poster-girl for mental health.

Inner grumbled. Improvement is always an option.

Tiny twigs scratched against my head as I popped out of the top of the canopy, a shit-eating grin on my face and so ready to face the day. Like how you can make a picture focus by turning the lense, the green fuzz caved in on itself- turning it into recognizable, definable shapes. The taste of victory coursed through me. 

Haha! Operation Escape the Green Hellscape? Success! Sight? Acquired! Direction? WHO KNEW, but whatever I could see! 

I started humming a victory march to myself, proudly bathing in Inner's WTAF expression only I could see. 

Aw, I weedled happily, you don't mean that, do you? If I suddenly got all put together, where would you get your entertainment from?

Inner started to roll her eyes only to freeze once they passed our lower left. The space she held hollowed out as she laughed- a shiver running up her non-body and down mine. I-uh… I think the ridiculous situations you somehow get yourself in will be more than enough.

I blinked, confused at the change in tone.

Situation?

Looking over the buffed-out shrubbery I was nestled in, the first thing that struck me was the treeline. Each treetop jutted up and across into the next one like it was one continuous mass, and the very edge of it reminded me of those water paintings portraying distant mountains. It kept going and going and going all around me…. And then it dipped.

I squinted, leaning in further.

What… is that?

The dip was like… a tooth gap: natural enough to not be a problem but impossible to ignore once you noticed it. It was… like a few trees were missing? Were trees missing? 

I inched as far out as my perch would let me, trying to focus on it as much as possible.

The dip… had… wires. Wires zig-zaging where there should've been trees… and… lights. Like little fairy lights... or fireflies? But bigger. Much bigger. They were lined up, like up and down, and were… moving sideways.

Methodically.

I traced the route they were pacing, lining them up with where the ground should've been. It didn't make any sense…

My eyes went to the zig-zags. 

Oooooooh . The wires were holding up a building, weren't they? 

Like a little treehouse.

....

Oh.

OH SHIT.

My heart jumped into my throat. Stuffing my chakra as far down as it would go and practically melding myself back into my fuzz pillar, I prayed it would have a camouflage effect.

Or that I wasn't noticed.

Or that I was wrong.

Ah… treehouses. I laughed nervously. Good call.

Inner paced in a panic. What should we do?

I peeked over again to the 'fairy light's, trying to pry out a clean line of thought outside from my pounding chest.

None of them were big enough to be Zabuza. They were probably on the back-burner: no-name mercenaries Big Money Man bought off to keep him safe. Zabuza was probably the big-guns, meant for evil-assassin stuff.

The tree house was, I was 97% positive of, Big Money Man's base. Based on the security, Big Money was home. Based on the amount of fairy lights, he bought a lot of help that would be thrown at us later.

Based on the size of the lights, their chakra cores were… laughable, actually. Like… tiny. I was going to guess that they were civilians and put their faith in strength-in-numbers, but my train of thought veered off slightly:

Tiny. 

Tiny like child. 

Child breakable.

Tree breakable?

I break trees.

Oh no. 

My lips twitched, pleased Inner caught on so quickly. She knew me so well!

Inner scrambled up, scraping at the walls in desperation. No. No no! No no nonono- we are NOT. NO WAY!

It's saving us some time, I argued, completely ignoring her and already shimmying down the tree. You'll thank me later.

She gaped, dumbfounded.

Wha-? What- are- are you insane?! She screamed, scratching at my mental walls more insistantly. No, no- scratch that. Are you- are you SUICIDAL?! Wannabe, WE HAVE NO WEAPONS!

My feet hit the floor silently.

I'll figure it out. I promised. 

I contemplated ditching Sasuke's shirt before heading out. While it was rather baggy and would probably get in my way, Sasuke would get SO mad if I left it in the forest to rot.

And if you don't?!

I decided against it, keeping my boys happiness in mind. His clan symbol was rather special to him, after all.

I… die early?

Inner became hysterical.

No! NO NO NO! This is NOT how one goes about dealing with a life threatening diagnosis! Your boys would NOT approve!

I paused, surprised.

Really? A half assed plan born out of impulse and borderline suicidal? I would've called that their love-child...

IT'S A BAD IDEA!

I laughed, nodding along.

That too.

Inner rammed herself against my head as I began tiptoeing out.

GODDAMNIT, THIS IS WHY I TOLD YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF! EMOTIONAL YOU DOESN'T LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY!!!

Chapter Text

If you've ever tried to inadvisably peruse the neighborhood while under a dense fog, you know what it's like to have something come at you slowly and obviously- and then have it smack you in the face.

Looking down at my busted knuckles, the pile of alarmingly-easy-to-defeat men at my feet overlapped in a mushed-mollasass montage of barley operational chakra networks, and the very breakable treehouse caging me in on every side that I maybe-mayhaps broke: you could say it hit me like a fire hydrant in the fog.

I was a dumbass, and Inner was right. 

This really could've been thought out more.

I smothered a laugh on reflex.

Holy shit, I needed therapy.

The goonies around me refused to move.

So… I, uh… don't suppose you know... which one of these guys was Big Money Man...?

Understandably, I got no response beyond a pitiful groan.

It was in wonderful harmony with the men who were also groaning- or, should I moaning? Some were whimpering. Like, kicked puppy kind of noises. Some were just silent. 

Does it count that I was gentle with some of them? I mean, depending on where they were during my rampage I was. Like, some of them were still ok. 

Sorta.

Some needed a doctor?

Ok. Fine. I fucked up.

Scanning the mass of chiseled, busted, and bruised faces, I tried to pick up the pieces of my latest impulsive decision. 

They… all kind of looked like the same person to be honest. Like, not the same same person, but close enough for Lack Of Sleep Me. I could see some had short hair and some had long hair, some were inked up more than the guy next to him (or on top of him, you know, whatever), some were more tasteful than others (RIP to the midget with the tacky round glasses that offered me money and women if I spared him. A+ for inclusion buddy, but F- for basic human decency), and I could tell they had some differences between them, but honestly they all looked the same guy to me. A pumbled-up, utterly defeated, stereotypical gangster. 

And you know, hey. Bad guys in no shape to fight? Awesome. Bad guys boss no shape to send out more? Enough of a blessing to call this horrible mistake an actual plan!

Now if only I knew which one was which. 

(It wasn't as if any of these guys were in any condition to tell me.)

Sighing in regret, I went to work on pillaging the nearest mass of muscle.

Restraint, thy might've eluded me once again but I shall not and will not let your sacrifice go in vain!

Besides, if Zabuza showed up I would very much need actual weapons.

And probably a will.

Inner, who had at some point given up her struggle to make emotional me see sense and lied flat on her back in a dramatic show of powerless despair, grimaced at the thought. We are not writing our will here, Wannabe. Who knows where any of this has been.

As if to prove her point the hand I had sliding down one beef-boy's pocket came back slimier than when it went in. Blinking at the clear liquid coating my middle finger, I decided it was sweat. And no, I was not talking any criticism, thank you very much.

It's a will, I responded back calmly, wiping my hand (semi) clean on the nearest guy's shirt. It was also covered in… stuff, but at the very least it was solid stuff. Probably dirt or something like that. Probably. Does the paper matter that much? We'll be dead anyways.

The thought was much more serene than I expected it to be, probably due to my most recent workout. 

'Beating the ever-loving shit out of thugs' wasn't on my coping skill list Before, but hey- you make what you got work, right?

Inner deadpanned. I just got strong-armed into a probable suicide mission, Wannabe. The very least you could do is write our will on pretty paper.

I tossed an unwrapped condom I found to the side, pocketing the nine explosive tags from Thug numbers 1-5 in my bra.

That's fair.

Gathering the nearest man's collection of pocket knives from his cargo shorts, I took a peek around the mass of broken wood and flatted furniture.

Thankfully the they-day eye bullshit decided to chill itself out when there were actual people about, so I could semi-sorta see around the neverending green fuzz and the mullish blotches of chakra.

Not so thankfully, the decor was ridiculous. 

I own up to breaking most of it in the heat of the moment, but now that I could properly see, I wasn't sorry in the slightest. 

There were furs, guys. Honest to god FURS. Like, bear-rug and tiger-curtain FURS. I could make out the head (head!) of one splayed out in the room next to me, and holy bejezzus did it creep me out. The poor thing was just gaping at me like I just cannibalized its child! 

And the lamps! Dude. The broken one on the floor was of a woman's leg! There weren't even fishnet stockings on it!

The whole place was dressed up like some sorry excuse of a 70's-era memorial! There were overtly fancy fabrics dawning every horribly styled furniture in horribly chosen designs, and holy shit were there far too many fake plants for a place with actual real plants available.

And the floorplan, based on my they-day eye deduction, made absolutely no sense. There was no main hall- no living room or lounge room or evil meeting room or what have you- just a bunch of hallways zig-zagged together in some maze type  bullshit. I amend it was probably meant to serve a purpose- maybe it was good for hiding one's nefarious deeds?- but it wasn't helping me any. Not in a structural sense.

The wood around me creaked ominously.

Better be quick with the looting.

Looking around further, I also noted the distinct lack of helpful items around, like a sack or a sheet. You'd think it wouldn't be such a stretch for such a fluorescent place to have a tote bag laying around or maybe a pair of parachute pants I could work with, but no. No bag-like items were to be seen. 

And I, Sakura Fuck-My-Life Haruno, forethought and planning extriodinare, had no pockets.

Inner stared on, completely unsympathetic to my plight. You don't have any shoes, either. She commented to the ceiling. In fact, I'm pretty sure that guy behind us is drooling on our foot.

I paused, distracted by the feeling of slime oozing in between my toes that I had been happily ignoring.

That's sweat. I commented, not bothering to check. 

A metallic taste hung in the air and I wasn't unaware of the handful of men yet to become responsive.

Inner crinkled her nose, purposefully staying silent about my negligence. I'm pretty sure that's drool.

We were both toeing a delicate line between ignorance and delusion for the sake of my health. If one were to say there were less lights than before, then I'm afraid we have no idea what you are talking about. 

And the liquid pooling in between my toes and along my calves was most definitely sweat.

It's too liquidy to be drool. I argued half-heartedly, running my hands over the last sleeping man. Nothing of note to pillage, sadly (unless I was about to pick up a drug habit. As it happened Inner gave me a HARD 'no' on that one without even opening her mouth.)

It's ICKY. She insisted snippily, crossing her arms. Any chance here we can loot the actual hide-out? I don't like their body liquids on us, whatever they are. 

Sweat started gathering at my knees. The treehouse groaned once more, prying at the floorboards as it did.

Sounds like a plan, I agreed.

I rose up, careful to keep my eyes above waist level and not step on any of the men as I felt around the side of the walls.

Explosive tags and knives were more than I had, but it would've better to find something a little more substantial. A long sword, perhaps?

The floorboards shifted lazily under my feet and not for the first time I thanked Artemis Sakura was so tiny. She weighed absolutely nothing, and it was so working for me here.

Splintered wood brushed up against my fingers as I worked my way further and further away from the men.

Many of the halls were rendered inoperable by one broken limb or another I didn't particularly remember breaking. Door frames and support beams jutted up, over, and out- layering themselves with the hovering blanket of 'forest green' that I was seriously coming to hate. With the growing lack of active chakra networks in the vicinity distract it, my eyes blurred over again: blotting my vision with patches and strokes of green after green after green.

I cursed as my foot hit something hard.

I suppose this is my life now, I grumbled, carefully stepping over whatever the fuck just send jolting pain up toe with no small amount of vindication. Blinded by fucking trees. 

Inner slumped, eyeing around us in similar distaste. We'll figure something out. She assured tiredly. We always do.

I returned my hand to the wall, 'tsking' as a splinter made its way in my index finger. 

Not everyone is as lucky as us, she reminded me carefully, watching me suck the scrap of wood out with my teeth. Some people can't see at all, and we have a lot of help.

I spit the tack of wood out with a sigh. 

I know, I thought back, inching slowly around the nearest corner. We were coming up on the very side of the treehouse, and the space between us and outside was less than a few feet thick. If I wanted to, I could've very easily parroted the actual Hulk and smashed through it, but we were also several stories above the ground. 

I know we have help. I'm just a little overwhelmed.

Inner smiled softly as I came to a stop in front of the last available doorway at the end, one that miraculously managed to stay intact.

My eyes swept up and down its surface in fascination.

Yeah… Inner sighed almost sadly. Yeah, me too. But we have our boys, and our boys need us. So we're going to figure this out, and then we're going to go home. Agreed?

My fingers ran up and down the framework carefully, tingling at the current vibrating through it.

Wannabe?

I pulled at my own core, easing it to my fingertips and prodding at writing engraved in it. Blue met with white and ignited- shocking me painfully with a spurt of lighting.

"Shit-!"

Inner scrambled to attention, finally registering the lite script adoring the frame that caught my attention.

Wannabe! What the-? Don't poke at it!

But… it's not green. I thought distractedly, motioning to the door in question and the odd glowing that just attacked me. My hand burned and hissed in agony as tears gathered in my eyes. A detached portion of my brain congratulated me on electrocuting myself.

So smart.

It's obviously a seal you dumbass! She grumbled, rubbing at her temples in frustration. Probably meant to keep outsiders out!

My arm spasmed. My eyes lit up.

Treasure? I asked in interest.

Inner froze.

NO, Wannabe. NO.

Yes, Wannabe, yes.

WANNABE-!!!

I was already reaching out, hands and arms coated in as much medical chakra as I could muster.

The writing ran up and around the framework in a form of singularity that made me feel like it was in it's own type of language that would take forever-and-a-day to figure out on my own. Decoding it would be impossible, I knew that right off the bat.

But the way it was situated around the handle: wrapped around in a circle of off-white squiggles, interchanging in values of potency around its circumference in a very familiar pattern I was quite well acquainted with said that- weird language be damned- the non-green glow was a lock.

And I could pick a lock… just so long as the stupid thing didn't electrocute me again.

Medical chakra was the most neutral chakra in existence. It was a good bet.

Inner whimpered as I prodded at the door once more, slipping my chakra to the very center of the circle and then easing it outwards fraction by fraction until it met the innermost portion of the writing. Heat slithered up my fingertips to the point of pain, but no lighting came forward. I pushed more chakra to the center, solidifying the shape it morphed into. My arms shook with effort.

Wh-what's the plan if it doesn't turn? Inner muttered anxiously as I raised my elbows and flattened my palms.

It was probably cruel to laugh at her, but to be fair: she asked me if I had a plan. 

I twisted at the latch quickly and firmly before I could lose my concentration.

Good news was that the door opened. 

Bad news was that I now had first-degree burns half way up to my elbows.

"FUCK!" I yelped, hopping into the room and bathing my arms in as much medical chakra as I possibly could. Everything trembled in shock as I stumbled to the middle of the room and face planted on the floor, sobbing out curses as mild relief slowly made its way to my fingertips.

"HOly- ah- MOTHer FUCKING- SHIT- TH- thaAT HURTS- hah- GoDDAMN- haa- FUCKING SHIT foR FUCKS SAKE SAKURA WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS-?!"

I could've gone a lot further, had my eyes not caught what the contents of the room were as I writhed on the floor.

You cannot blame me for laughing.

Inner gawked.

Is… that… gold? She asked in between my heaving sobs and loud gawfs. 

The pain was lessening to a manageable level- to the point where I could think and somehow manage to get myself back on my own (albeit, shaking uncontrollably) two feet, but… 

I double checked that I saw what I saw, just in case it was a pain filled delusion or something like that.

No change.

It was, in fact, gold. Piles of it. On a couch. In the middle of a room. Just… sitting there. 

Inner squinted at it, double checking in her own way.

What the shit.

I cradled my injured hands against my stomache, shaking my head.

It's… a weird place?

Inner gaped. Weird… place? Wannabe, IT'S GOLD! 

I opened my mouth to respond.

Frost bit at my tongue and sent goosebumps up my spine.

Nothing came out.

"Well, well, well…" A familiar, raspy voice crooned from behind me- sounding like every nightmare I'd had for what felt like weeks. Pressure exploded in my chest and my blood turned cold as I turned around slowly, almost robotically.

Zabuza grinned down at me- all teeth that I couldn't actually see. 

Somewhere I registered the very pretty girl at his side. 

Most of me registered his sword.

"If it isn't the little shinobi," he continued creepily, effortlessly herding me against the outer wall. I backed up without thinking, scarily aware of the hands currently screaming at me. "You keep getting more interesting by the minute."

His chakra core was a practical typhoon, all pushed and condensed until it could've fit in a glass jar. The girl's was just as hidden.

My mouth opened and closed, gaping like a fish out of water, struggling for some form of thought.

Some sort of response.

My neurons skipped over each other and fried.

He prowled over me, like a panther with a new toy. 

"You know that room was sealed shut, right?" He taunted. "No one but Gato was supposed to be able to open it."

My eyes darted between him and the money.

"Now… what should we do-"

"TAKE IT, I DON'T WANT IT!" I blurted out, spinning on my heel.

Predictably, I didn't remember the whole 'several stories up' tidbit until after I hulk-smashed through the tree trunk. 

Inner screamed at me the whole way.

GODDAMMIT WANNABE, YOU'RE GETTING ME A WILL!!!

Chapter Text

Wannabe.

Inner's voice came from a place both intimately close and scarily far away. The air around us hung hard, thick, and heavy. Seconds ticked by with the backtrack of a time-bomb. The fingers laced in my lap felt like they belonged to someone else, still discolored and probably aching. 

Like arms of a doll, just glued to the wrong socket.

Maybe the wrong doll.

I couldn't bring myself to look at them.

Next to me Kakashi was draped across the couch cushion: arms extended, legs half-crossed over my own, the pure picture of intimidation.

Wannabe, please.

A mere few feet behind us Tazuna shivered, reasonably on the edge of passing out. The bottle in his hands clattered softly like bones across glass.

Most of its contents were either on the floor or on him.

I wondered if I could get him to share.

The smell was smothering.

Tsunami and Inari, on a testament of said woman's supreme intelligence that I so sorely wish I had, were nowhere to be found. If I knew anything at all, I knew that smart woman was far, far, far away from the universe's newest bullshit.

Probably 'noped' the fuck out of here the moment the bastard knocked on the door.

Both Inner and I desperately wished we were with her, or at the very least had her survival instinct.

Inner keened pathetically. Wannabe, what the hell.

Across from us- across the invisible line that currently divided Tazuna's living room that separated friend from fuckery- Zabuza and the pretty girl I had yet to get the name of sat serenely: a smooth picture of calm and ease, leaned back and relaxed.

The girl was even drinking tea.

I didn't have the slightest idea where she got it.

Taking in Zabuza's mammoth of a sword- which, by the way, was totally more giant and intimidating up close- I carefully revised my opinion of Kakashi. Yes, he was deadbeat trash and still dead in my eyes, and yes: his decisions were not the smartest genin in the squad… but even I had to admit he had some things going for him.

The man apparently couldn't do 'delicate', which was... fair, all things considered. Having his hand forced by one very ticked off Uchiha and one very emotionally charged fox-child trying to destroy Tazuna's house in the wake of bad news was expected and something I really couldn't hold against him. But somehow having that pann out so that both my boys were conveniently unconscious when the monster wanted to talk?

I was convinced. Either Kakashi's timing was inherently bomb-ass or the God/dess of Long Term Planning fucking adored him.

From underneath a spiral of worn and torn bandages, I knew, I just knew Zabuza sent me a smirk. I couldn't prove it, but I was willing to bet my life on it.

I think my soul left my body.

"So, you have no intention of going after Tazuna anymore?" Kakashi asked suspiciously, laid back in an odd mixture of aesthetic ease and killing intent. It reminded me of a viper: coiled and ready to strike.

Zabuza nodded, leaning back languishly. He was similarly sprawled out: arm draped across the back of the couch and leg propped up on the table mere inches away from his death sword, but he didn't strike me as a snake- or even protective. 

He reminded me of a cat: unbothered and untouchable- ready to play with his next toy.

A sneaking suspicion told me I was the toy.

"No need." He hummed merrily, offering a flick of his imaginary tail. "After all, little girlie over here already paid us."

Of course, he points at me as he says it- offering no delusion to which 'girlie' he was referring to. Which of course has Kakashi instantly turning to me for an explination because of-fucking-course this universal fuckery decided to happen before I could explain the injuries, sweat, and whereabouts of my person to the technical adult-in-charge. Why ever would I expect anything else?

Inner had started a rough draft of our will in my mind.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't following along.

Kakashi eyed me more intently when words didn't automatically come out. My entire thought process was a half-shaken etch-a-sketch: arguably completed once-upon-a-time, but completely useless now.

"The treehouse in the green..." I started, eyes flickering to Kakashi, Zabuza, the pretty girl and back.

Ping-pong: Russian Roulette style.

Inner prodded me back on track.

"I stopped by to say hello." At the word 'hello' Kakashi became very interested in the state of my knees, and I in turn became very interested in the state of Zabuza's headband. Banged up, battered, and bruised… it was a wonder how it hadn't rusted.

Kakashi turned to Zabuza, probably getting the (accurate) sense I wasn't about to make much sense anytime soon. "Treehouse?" He asked.

Zabuza preened like an apocalyptic peacock. "Our base." He explained, far too happily for my tastes. "Gato had a lot of flair for such an old man." 

Zabuza wasn't the easiest to read. His chakra was largely still, and his tone seemed to be permanently stuck at 'the monster underneath the bed wants to eat you'. With most of his face covered in those worn-out bandages and his forehead lopsidedly veiled between his headband and his hair, I didn't have much expression to work from either besides his eyes. And his eyes by genetics alone didn't cover a lot of ground. 

So you can imagine the 'nopenopenope' that went through me when his eyes slid over me practically screaming 'VICTORY'. 

"She didn't trip the alarm."

Kakashi looked back at me, screaming 'EXPLAIN' just as loud. I tugged at my hair. 

"Spiderman crawl." I whispered, hating the words as soon as they came out. 

Inner angrily scribbled out something she was writing and put in a foot-note. I swear it was at the 'of able body and sound mind' part.

For the first time since this little chat began, the girl looked up from her tea. "Spiderman?" She asked in interest, her voice lusher than the softest puppy. Her eyes were gentle. The hands cradling her cup could've been made out of silk.

I raised my hands up, mimicking the crawl. "Yeah," I said hurriedly, effectively entranced and painfully oblivious, "you know- spider. But man."

Inner took the entire first page of our will and burned it. 

Zabuza's eyes lit up. 

"Never heard of it." He purred.

Kakashi blocked me off further, pushing me into the corner of the couch. "The treasure?" He prompted harshly.

"Gato's stash," Zabuza explained, ignoring how the girl tensed and looking not in the least bit threatened. "Wrapped up in a personally made seal."

He said it like that was something important. Based on the shocked/afraid/alarmed/what-the-actual-shit-you-pink-haired-lunatic look Kakashi shot me, he might've been right.

"Kakashi…" Zabuza rumbled, lazily picking at the loose strands of his pants, "I am very interested to know how your little genin managed to open it and keep her arms."

Kakashi's eye narrowed, his chakra strung up and ready to strike. Tension overrode the smell of alcohol. There was a 'thud' from where I'm pretty sure Tazuna fainted.

Inner shuttered in dismay. Wannabe, she muttered, rubbing at her temples and smearing non-existent ink all over her hair, when I said I wanted two handsome men to fight over me one day, this isn't what I had in mind…

I thickly swallowed down my nerves. 

Become a lesbian? I offered.

The middle finger she sent in my direction was 100% earned, not even going to lie.

I turned my attention to the brewing storm in front of me.

"Ah, to be fair," I offered casually, holding up my discolored limbs halfway with a rueful smile in an ambitious endeavor to get these murder people to chill, "I didn't get to keep my arms as is…"

Zabuza waved me off, easing the air just slightly. "You managed to heal them pretty good," he praised just as casually, "Not many shinobi out there can pull off medical ninjutsu."

His eyes slid over Kakashi, then back at me- like a panther assessing his prey. "Who taught you?" He asked.

"Me?" 

The word came out as more of a question than an actual answer, and there was no thought behind just why I answered in the first place, but I could be forgiven for that… right?

The feeling of being hunted once again bit at my heels.

Zabuza's head tilted in a fashion I was all too familiar with. 

A sinking feeling that dropped from my chest to my stomach to my toes overtook me. 

"I'll tell you what, Hatake." Zabuza said, settling back with the air of someone who had already won and who was oh so very pleased. His attention strayed briefly to the door just behind us: the only thing besides ourselves standing in the way of him, the girl, and my boys. My hackles raised as I caught the threat.

Zabuza's pleased air intensified as the deal was laid out on the table. 

"I have the deeds to Gato's company," he started, pulling out layers and layers of paper from who-knows-where and setting them by his foot, "ready and waiting for a new owner. With Gato out of the way, your little Wave people will probably need some revenue, don't you think?"

The way Kakashi stiffened told me that was probably true. I personally had spent too much time in the green-hellscape to know just how true, but the visceral reaction wasn't a good sign.

"I'd be happy to give them to you…" Zabuza continued with a smirk, "free of charge."

Even I wasn't so ignorant to believe 'free of charge' meant 'completely free'.

From her position the girl watched us carefully, her pale chakra pool inching out further and further like a lake just iced. The action was hesitant and methodical- she wasn't in on this deal. 

"For what favor?" I piped up, ignoring the alarmed 'Sakura!' coming from the peanut gallery. By all rights I shouldn't've been the one playing negotiator, but at this point it didn't matter.

A sneaking suspicion told me Kakashi wasn't a part of this deal either.

An even sneakier suspicion said that this deal wasn't a deal at all, but rather a dramatic indulgence. And really, what were we going to say? 'No'? 

"It's a small thing…" He purred politely, "You just have to be Haku's playmate until it's time to go."

Haku blinked in surprise.

A sadistic dominatrix at the toes of a hardcore sub could've said 'playmate' with less leer.

"Define." I demanded, cutting Kakashi off from (hopefully) doing the same. 

The newly named Haku sent me an apologetic look at the same time Zabuza nodded in appreciation of my gall. 

I was starting to see something here.

"He means training partner," she explained gently, setting her tea cup beside the papers with a delicate 'clack'. Her entire demeanor was at odds with everything: Zabuza, the atmosphere, and the very distinct memory of Naruto praising her strength. "Zabuza-sama wishes to train you."

I turned to Zabuza, the half-assed picture starting to become clearer and clearer. 

"And why…" I hedged, leaning forward on my knees and feeling like a businessman who just got tricked into a thousand-year contract, "would you want to train me?"

Zabuza pretended to think it over, rubbing at his chin. 

"Well, you're interesting…" he started out, moving his hand to the back of his head. It must've been some character tick Here: men scratching at their head when they were feeling sheepish. To his credit, he didn't even blink when I motioned for him to continue, not at all believing his bullshit. "And… what can I say? I have a bit of a thing for pretty things with sharp teeth."

I deadpanned. 

Of course he did. 

"If and only if Kakashi is in reach at all times." I countered.

It really was a testament to how much of a dumbass I was that I could see his responding grin through the cloth.

"Deal."

Hey, Wannabe? 

Yeah?

I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to make things worse, but since we're already screwed and you seem to make it your life's mission to hate me- I decided I might as well.

What?

You remember when you interrogated Kakashi, freaked out, dissociated, and got lost in the woods because of the 'week to live' shit? 

… Vaguely. Why?

Well... I did the math. Between the 68-hour guard shift and Kakashi's 5 day recovery period... you had, at most, like, 5 more hours left before the deadline then.

…

You freaked for nothing.

…….

And because I'm feeling particularly vindictive today due to some idiot's newest impulsive decision involving murder people and apprenticeships, your pretty playmate?

…………

He's a boy. 

… 

SONOFA-!

Chapter Text

Far enough away to give a semblance of cooperation yet close enough to intervene if Zabuza decided to be a little less than friendly, let me tell you something: Kakashi Hatake was a picture. Specifically, he was the picture of a man that just realized that not only was his smartest little soldier only smart under very specific circumstances, but also that those very circumstances were apparently heavily dependent on the other two dumbasses of the team.

With his hands laced comfortably yet tensely, with his knuckles resting gently on his upper lip and his body folded over itself on a rock trying and horribly failing to look like someone who wasn’t about to barrel across our wretched little training field at the slightest sign of ill intent- I could see everything as I hit the floor.

Our eyes met briefly in the air, and I could see it.

The realization.

The accusation.

The epiphany.

In those barest of seconds, brown met grey in a flurry of dust and despair- and I understood.

You’re only smart when others need you, his eyes said in dragging mortification. On your own… you’re an imbicile.

I shot him a thumbs up as I made love with the forest floor. I think he flinched.

“Not bad, not bad.” My newest bad decision rumbled happily, like I actually did something worth praising instead of being beaten to a bloody pulp. While we had a general agreement going that there would be no murder swords allowed (if only for the sake of my mortality), let it not be said that the man needed it. I was pretty sure Zabuza was perfectly capable of being a living, lethal weapon as a multipalegic. “You almost saw me coming that time.”

Coughing out whatever shrubbery that landed in my mouth, I shot him a glare.

“As if,” I grumbled roughly, shoving myself to my feet. The process was starting to become wobbly: everything from standing to defending to reapplying whatever chakra I could to wherever I could reach.

My use of chakra had become quite organic over the last few hours thanks to my newest playmate. Not because he was teaching me how, of course, but because Zabuza Momochi was one fast motherfucker. 

One majorly fit, so very lethal, Flash/Dash/Quicksilver-hellspawn motherfucker.

There was no jutsu. There was no process. Hell, at this point hand-signs might’ve as well been dead! If I managed a flow going before the sadistic bastard backhanded me, then I was already ahead.

“You appeared behind me like motherfucking Batman…” I wined.

Zabuza laughed, sending shivers down my spine. His squinted eyes gleamed.

I’d be lying if I claimed that the manic glee that entered his eyes anytime I offered otherworldly refrences didn’t scare the absolute shit out of me, but fuck it all: it kept him interested. And Hatake’s welcomed vigil be damned, I was going to keep this homicidal panther interested.

“This ‘Batman’ of yours as fast as me?” He asked, raising a non-existent eyebrow and firing alarm bells in my head. 

Both Inner and I braced ourselves as I shook my head. “Heh… not even close.”

One heartbeat and a breath later he was gone, his smothered, demented grin searing an after image against my retinas.

(-shitshitshit where did he go where did he-)

Instincts surged within me, ones I had never had to use before I became Sakura, ones polite society didn’t often touch-

(-the hunter sees us he knows us knows where we are-)

The jittering panic had almost become something I knew now, something I could think through. My heart leapt into my throat but my arms still moved where I wanted them to go- up to my neck, up to the easiest kill with the least amount of fuss-

(-protect us defend us don’t go down without a fight-)

I didn't have to ask for the power anymore. I didn’t have to reconsider retaliation after a defense. I wasn’t covering anything, I wasn’t defending. I was attacking. Hitting against the flash of murderous intent that materialized just to my right-

(-the spike of cold, the brush of ice, follow that follow thatfollowthat-)

A thunderous roar rang out as my fist met Zabuza met air met trees met bone.

His form exploded at the same time I doubled over: crashing downwards yet again as the original appeared on my right- kneeing me in the stomach and freeing me of whatever breakfast I had left.

Water Style: Water Clone Jutsu. 

I wasn’t able to pick apart Zabuza’s core from his jutsu in time.

I could see Kakashi stone-cold frozen as I puked, acid burning up in my nose and inside my throat- torn between action and allowance.

I waved him off, scrambling to my feet.

Zabuza bore down me imperiously, arms crossed over his chest. “Your mistake?” He prompted in that low, gravely rumble of his.

I commited it to memory for… fantasies later.

Of the less than friendly kind.

I spat out the last of the saliva lining my gums, almost used to the metallic taste it was tinged with. “I assumed,” I panted out, “that one opponent meant one body.”

Zabuza nodded, pleased. 

Behind me, Naruto let out a painful groan. Part of me was vindictivly pleased that Zabuza and his protege had similar teaching styles. Most of me was still trying to figure out how the fuck I got the homicidal maniac and Naruto and Sasuke got the playmate that still had a friggin soul.

But… 

I took in Zabuza in all of his entirety: from his body to his height to the years he had under his belt. 

The muscles wired around his arms were bulked and toned, speaking of years of use and service. His hands were rough, callused, and practiced. The dark, exposed skin of his chest had no scars. Underneath that his pants were roomy, fitted and bottom heavy- if he had other weapons aside from the murder sword like I suspected, I couldn’t tell you how many or what they were on sight alone. And given how many times I ate dirt so far, he probably doesn’t need to use them.

I swung myself into a defensive position, ignoring how much my body protested.

Zabuza was a killing machine, there was no doubt about that. But he was also a killing machine willing to bat around a couple of children without actually killing them because he wanted to play. Next time, we might not be so lucky. 

“Again!” I demanded.

Inner crossed herself like one of those old Catholics. 

I'd like it on record that I didn't sign up for this shit.

[Quick Authors Note/Question: Am I... supposed to be responding to the comments? Like, I read them. I totally do. Religiously, actually. Like. It's my only serotonin some days. But was I supposed to be commenting back? How does this work? This thing's gotten so long I keep forgetting it's my first fanfic on this site.]

Chapter Text

For the record, my body had betrayed me and I signed up for none of this. I was happily asleep, my bladder went fuck you, and I figured since I was already up and down the god-forsaken stairs- hey, might as well get some some water. Nowhere in that plan of action did my concious have a part to play.

Coincidences and stray attention span aside, this was all Kakashi's fault.

Do you... think I was too hard on him? I asked Inner quietly, perched at the living room entryway in delicate, fragile silence- as if the man in question could hear my thoughts. 

With Zabuza’s newest cooperation, Tazuna’s home was as it was before: dining room devoted to the table, living room half filled with an old sofa, and the long, open balcony situated between the kitchen and that. Those living arrangements should have had everyone upstairs at oh-my-god in the morning- which it was and as thus my misery should've been a private affair- but no: the universe hated me.

The way Kakashi was draped morosely across the balcony floorboard reminded me of a renaissance painting. Specifically, he reminded me of one of those paintings that had a pretty girl in a flowery dress- melodramatically sprawled across an old, wooden window frame- looking off into the distance with large, sad eyes in what my old art professor swore up and down was ‘otherworldly contemplation’ (and what I called just straight-up depression).

Honestly, the man was already so pretty… all he needed was the dress.

He warned you against a bad decision and you called him a heratic. Inner reminded me sleepily from her cozy mind-bed. He told you Zabuza was evil and you told him if he wanted to start being useful that he should ‘revisit point A and go pound the D’.

My mind echoed this last play session like an old, war-time flashback. Squatting agony settled itself down to my very bones, and I was pretty sure if I took the effort to find a mirror I would have more bruises than skin.

Needless to say, Kakashi was correct: the eyebrowless panther was the embodiment of evil and mistakes were made.

I hovered over the threshold, unsure of what to do. If Kakashi heard me stalking him at all, he made no motion suggesting it. On closer inspection he looked just as I assumed: lost in his thoughts, stressed to the point of visible weight caught on his shoulders, and straight-up depressed.

My conscious sprung up from the depths like summer-spring chicken.

Cock-a-doodle-do motherfucker, it chimed merrily, guess what you're doing today?

Mentally, I slaughtered the chicken and fried it up like a fatass- cursing the universe and all it entailed. Physically, I padded over to him- careful not to make too much noise or startle the man.

“Not going to bed?” I asked in a stage whisper. He looked up from his renaissance stance, eyes tired and conflicted in a sense I knew all too well.

Three-something-in-the-morning seemed to be the only proper time for moral conflicts.

“Aren’t you?” He asked in return.

I gently sat next to him, expertly swallowing back the small moan caught in the back of my throat. Everything hurt. Everything. If you think of one of those demon chiwawa dogs (you've met one, don't lie to me) just shaking with built-up, unrepressed rage, those were my muscles. They were so very over my poor life choices. Bubblegum’s body wasn’t made for maniac training. Not at all. I don’t even know how I made it down the mother fucking stairs in the first place.

“Chronic insomniac,” I huffed, pointing at myself (and then instantly regreting the thought to ever attempt to move any muscle of any form). It was a half-lie, yes, but like hell was I gonna tell him I probably couldn’t get back up the stairs.

Kakashi looked away, fingers gliding over the wooden framing in a way that mirrored ripples over a pond. The wood had its own pattern to it- cracks and crevices telling a story of an age-old wood from somewhere I'd probably never been- adding to effect. Kakashi's fingertips never followed it to the letter, always swerving before he could reach the end of the crease.

“... I am too.” He said after a moment. 

I looked up from my scrutiny of his pajama top- a plain blue t-shirt that somehow made him look younger, blanketed just at the end of the last crevice lining his own stories: thin, pale scars reflected in the moonlight like lines of silver on mercury- in peaked interest. 

Kakashi was in a sharing mood? Well, I could certainly work with that. 

I leaned back on the balcony piler, wincing at the pain echoing off and around my limbs.

“I think,” I began, slowly stretching my legs over his own like young couples do when they want to be all lovey-dovey (or how children do when they want to be a little shit), “that I owe you an apology.”

Kakashi tensed as I made contact, his chakra flickering in the jumpy way it always does- wired and ready to attack ready to defend- but nothing came at me. 

The lighting stayed in the bottle. 

My legs settled across his and he made no move to eject them.

I warmed in satisfaction, pulling up a mental tally. Success one of the night.

Inner flipped over in her bed, eyeing me dubiously from underneath the covers. I feel the need to inform you that you’re currently in the process of adopting him. She muttered slugishly.

I smiled dangerously. Your need is pleasantly ignored.

Kakashi squirmed when I didn’t immediately expand, his chakra shuttering like a uncertain child.

“Ah, for?” He hedged carefully, probably concerned about setting me off. In that moment it  occurred to me that Kakashi probably thought my smile (*cough*threat*cough*) was meant for him.

Oops.

I raised my hands in neutral surrender. 

I had every plan of being a proper adult here, and let it not be said that I was incapable of letting go of at least some of my pride.

“For pushing you.” I explained, lazily propping my hands behind my head. My shoulders, neck, back, and everything hissed angrily- begging me to reconsider what kind of pride I should be holding on to. 

I ignored the thought that said Kakashi would probably carry me up the stairs if I asked.

It was a moment of weakness… that's all.

“It has recently occured to me that maybe me not knowing about the whole ‘dying’ thing would’ve been better in the long run.”

Outside, wind happily weaved in and out of the skyline- ignorant to the time of night and the kind of come-to-jesus meetings it was sporting. In front of me, Kakashi shriveled up like a wad of paper seasoned with water like Salt Bae. It didn't take a person cursed by They-day to see he was severely uncomfortable.

It took a second for me to understand why.

Ah, I sighed to myself, I probably could’ve phrased that better… 

Kakashi worked around his discomfort, not noticing my inner reflection.

“You… don’t have to apologize.” He said slowly, his chest heaving like it was physically painful to get the words out. After giving it a bit of distance and some time to cool off, I found that I understood Kakashi better if I started equating him and the term ‘emotion’ like the terms ‘dude-bro’ and ‘menstruation’. Like, he was epically failing, yes, but at least he was trying?

At the very least the intent was pure.

“If it were me I’d want to know too.”

I tilted my head, surveying the man. Head bent forward, hands nervously folded and legs underneath me quivering, he was… more human like this. The hard exterior he showed the world was no where to be seen, and like this I could see him as less untouchable and easier to forgive.

Lips quirking upward, a thought occurred to me. If Naruto was a puppy and Sasauke was a kitten… 

Ah, yes... Kakashi could be the socially awkward lizard! It made perfect sense.

That makes no sense.

It made perfect sense. 

“You were trying to save me some panic.” I allowed gracefully, half-heartedly joining him in tracing the wood nearest my leg. The wood was so smooth. “And I wouldn’t let you.”

Kakashi's responding sigh was long and haggard, at odds with the delicate way his fingers danced with my own. 

“I didn’t have any right to keep it from you.” He admitted, tone rough like a man who had actually looked back and reflected on his actions. His chakra stayed calm- guilted but true.

I mentally allowed him another tally. 

Success number two.

“Even as a sensei…,” He continued softly. There was a pause as he struggled with something- in which those moments held I swear to Artemis another horrific shriek from the green-hellscape-eat-me monster somewhere beyond the treeline- but before I could freak out he leaned forward rigidly. 

In a blurry blink- nope I didn't hear anything, did you, hellscape monster, what hellscape monster-  I realized the man was bowing. I readied my tally mark. 

“Something…" he admitted to just me, the monster, and the wind, "that I haven’t been. I owe you an apology as well, Sakura. You shouldn't have had to bear that burden all on your own.”

Success number three! Fuck yes!

I hid my approving smile by turning to the side, docking on that third tally mark with pride. Finally , we were making some progress. 

“You’re almost forgiven,” I allowed giddily, doing my damndest to keep the happy out of my voice. Can't get distracted just yet… “But I could forgive you a hell of a lot quicker if you would just train your team. Maybe even spend some time with them? We don’t bite...”

As the words left my mouth a certain afternoon argument flashed through my mind- one where Naruto was certain humans could transmit rabies, Sasuke was sure that they absolutely did not, and nothing I said saved me from getting a crash course in oral flora and epidermal disinfectant techniques. 

“... much."

Just when I thought we were making some actual, honest-to-god progress progress, Kakashi had the gall to sulk. 

“Isn’t Zabuza training you?” He muttered jealously.

Taking in his twittering fingers, it only then occurred to me that perhaps Team 7 had no adult to begin with. Maybe Kakashi was just a big child? Although… if that was true… then the only plan of action going forward I had on me was us four children playing hot-potato with available brain cell and praying the competent one was 'it'. 

I snorted, pushing that depressing thought away and focusing on the 'here and now'. “I wouldn't call that training more so than 'playing'. There's a bit of a difference.”

I was trying to offer peace. Kakashi wasn't having it.

"Then why did you agree in the first place?” he asked hotly, crossing his arms over his chest. They were… weirdly pleasing in an aesthetic kind of way. Like, nicely defined but not too bulky?

“It wasn't smart,” Kakashi insisted importantly, "and it’s not safe.”

“It was the safest option for Naruto and Sasuke at the time,” I reminded him just as importantly.

I preened as he flinched. 

Hah. Got him.

“We could’ve taken them…”

I laughed so loudly I feared waking the boys. 

Yeeeeeeaaahhh… right. Me and him take on two A-something-maybe-S rank shinobi in a tiny little living room with a civilian and two unconscious dependents? With me a wee bit crispy already? Sure, dude. Sure we could.

The tone must've translated.

Kakashi huffed in defeat. “Okay… maybe we couldn’t…”

“It’s good experience,” I offered peacefully once again, “and he’s playing nice.”

Kakashi gave a pointed look at the bruises lining every available bit of my skin.

Touché.

“I seem to still have all of my appendages?” I tried instead. 

Kakashi's deadpan was more suited to a corpse than a pretty boy such as himself. 

"You're not easing my worries here." He commented casually. 

I stifled a snicker. “Yeah… sorry, but I can't help you out with that bro. It comes with the territory.”

“You’re not going to tell me not to bother?”

I laughed. 

“Why? Because I’m perfectly safe as the main amusement to a sociopathic missing-nin?” I asked sarcastically, waving my hand in whimsey. “Or because I am the absolute best at making decisions with my self-preservation in mind?”

“... I was actually going to say because it wasn’t my place to.”

I tilted my head in question. “Sensei’s can’t worry about their kids?”

Kakashi’s chakra plunged. “I’m not your sensei.” He commented bitterly.

I raised my eyebrow in fake curiosity. 

I had a target on his trauma now. I was unstoppable. 

“Yeah? How come?”

He struggled to respond, mulling it over and chewing it down.

“Because it can’t be 'cause you’re losing sleep over us, worrying over our futures and our safety.” I threw out just to be a little shit. “I can say from experience that that is a very sensei-ish thing to do.”

Kakashi shot me a dirty look from over our piled legs. "You don't have to play dumb," he muttered, “I already know I’ve failed.”

Whooop, there it issssss~  

Good evening to you, Kakashi's Need For Therapy. Won't you join us?

“Ooooooooh, you failed, did you?" I drawled out in amazement, propping a hand on my cheek- biceps searing. "Somethin' happen while I was being a shitty red-riding hood that I don't know about?”

Tension and guilt vibrated through him- shuttering up and down his frame and across the edges of his core.

“Don’t say that like it doesn’t count!” he snapped in frustration, whipping his head to the side like if he couldn't see me then the self-blame eating at him couldn't touch him.

With the hush of the night and soft blanket of moonlight draped over his face, I could see the ghosts of every person he couldn't save carved in his eyes. Their weight pulled at him until he couldn't breathe. Their faces would never go away.

I watched him, heavily reminded of what his greatest fear was.

“... It doesn’t count.” I whispered to the wind.

My comfort was treated as a catalyst, setting off whatever ticking time bomb Kakashi had hidden away.

“You got hurt!” He cried, tensing up and coiling over. Unlike me, his voice didn't get louder with emotion- it got rougher. More young. Like a child forced to swallow sandpaper, then told to address the nation in a language he didn't understand.

“I let you go and didn’t follow a-and I couldn’t protect you-”

If all my years of mental fuckery taught me anything, it was how to sense an impending breakdown. And we were so not doing that with a manic panther and his slave fanatic one flight of stairs away. 

Fuck that.

I launched forward, ignoring the groan my body gave and snatching up Kakashi's hands in my own- squeezed them and pinning them as firmly and as gently as my she-hulk poweress would allow. 

“ Kakashi,” I intoned, chaining him to me by both his wrists and his legs. His fingers began to turn red in between my own, and while I had his undivided attention- frightened eyes seeing nothing but the dead, see us dead, it was only a matter of time- he did not quiet.

“I- it’s- I’m supposed to protect-”

I could feel his heartbeat in everything I touched. 

I abandoned gentle and yanked.

“Kakashi-" I hissed harshly, " Kakashi, look at me. ” 

I pulled at him until his eyes were a mere inches away from mine, his lips still working out apologies.

“It’s- I-”

I ripped one hand away, smacking him on the mouth like a child eating something they weren't supposed to.

“ No! ” I barked dangerously.

His big- stupidly pretty now that I could see it properly- eye blinked in shock, his lips caught half way open.

"I-"

I pointed at him in warning, fingertip just on the edge of his upper lip.

"No." 

His mouth stayed open like a gaping fish, but he didn't continue. After a few moments with no other sound coming out, I returned my hand and squeezed his fingers more harshly- delivering an undeniable message: listen to me you motherfucker.

He swallowed nervously, nodding in consent.

I gave him, like, four more tally marks.

Good lizard.

“As a sensei," I began carefully, loosening what had to have been my painful grip slowly and cradling his trembling hands, "as our sensei, you fail when you stop promoting our growth- Ok? That's all. You cannot and will not blame yourself for whatever else we do. That nickname we have? 'Psych-ward'? It's not a joke. I make self-inflicting life choices. Sasuke picks fights. Naruto has the weirdest polarized luck I have ever seen in my life, and is probably liable to self-explode one day. You are going to bury yourself in the ground if you try to take responsibility for that shit, understand?" 

His eyebrow furrowed, irises clashing in conflict. 

"But as a sensei-" 

"Nah-uh." I interrupted clearly. "None of that. You are a sensei to three kids, Hatake. Not just me. If I run off into the woods like a dissociated hob-goblin while the other two play with chakra and water, I will not allow you to be guilty for leaving me the fuck alone. You had other kids to think about."

Slowly his tension ebbed away, like bits of sand washed from the bank of a river. The hands I held stayed silent. The only face looking down at me was his.

"But…"

And he was a stubborn bastard.

"No buts." I cut in. "You were working with what you got. You did a good job. Now stop holding yourself accountable for the packages we came in- something that isn't your fault, mind you, nor your job- and start blaming yourself for the lack of involvement you have with your team. You know, the thing you're actually here for?"

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Kakashi gave me an actual smile.

".... a twelve year old shouldn't be so wise." He sighed softly.

I almost laughed.

"Wise?" I asked, removing my hands before the universe decided to screw me over with additional company and they got to see me and Kakashi all over each other. I wouldn't put it past it. "Me? Are you sure we're talking about the same girl here, because I'm pretty sure yesterday you called me an imbicil."

Kakashi's lips quirked further.

"You… caught that?"

I gave him another tally- just for shits and giggles "Among other things…" I admitted smugly.

Seeing how well it was going so far, I decided to take the plunge. 

"Look… Kakashi: I'm not saying I can change the package you came in any more than you can change mine, but from an outsider's perspective- this is getting rediculious. Anyone with two eyes and a brain can see you already got a foot in the water and your clothes are half-soaked. We're all a little fucked up already, and it's not like the team's gonna be 'healthy' or 'well adjusted' anytime soon. Your own fuckery aside, I'm telling you dude: at this point you might as well swim."

In accordance to the universe's fuckery, Kakashi  did not take my advice and swim.

The man fucking DOVE.

[Quick Author's note: Thanks for all the help! Y'all have been so nice! As much as I'd love to reply to everyone's comments, I think my social anxiety will kill me if I try. So if y'all have a question/comment that you WANT a reply to, or are looking for a reply in general, leave a 💀 with your comment por favor. Thanks!]

Chapter Text

Before, I was used to battles being scored by theme music. The base of the drums, the riff of a guitar… 

Here wasn't like that. 

Here, battles were scored by your heartbeat, and the only riff you had was the sound of your lungs heaving for air.

I should've left the depressing renaissance man alone. 

"Sakura-chan!"

Ice splintered across my toes, across my cheeks- gathering and consolidating in a harsh sting of opaque intent. Cold bit at my tongue. The taste of fresh mint struck at my teeth.

I never saw him move.

It was as if he was mirage: one 'thump' of my ears Haku had his arms up- open stance ready, yet still at a safe distance- and the next had piercing ice showered upon me and that same distance abandoned. By the time I could blink off the crystals dotting my lashes Haku was already front and center: hand pulled back- fist pulled back- a line of sebon comfortably nested in between his fingers.

Sebon were often comfortable there, as I found out.

The fridged feeling didn't even have time to settle.

Before I could pull my arms closer- protect your neck, protect your chest, he can do less with your arms, don't let him near- a furnace expanded in my chest.

I had moved all but an inch before Haku was gone.

Frost cracked under my soles as I shifted.

Shuttered in between the spaces of my frosted fingers- hands up, arms up, defend if you cannot attack- was now Sasuke: leg out, back-gripped kunai perfectly balanced and carefully placed to do the most damage. Cooled soot dusted his pale skin. Scratches and bruises littered anything it could reach. 

These days I could see a dragon brewing in him.

Deliberate.

Focused.

Unforgiving.

Haku twisted out of the way, falling further back from the area declared to be ‘ours’. I forced myself out of my frozen prison before Sasuke could make landfall, lynching my legs away from the biting frost in a slightly panicked frenzy.

It burned like a bitch, and getting them to leap directly after was like trying to pull cheap-ass taffy, but it was for the best.

No one, and I do mean no one on Team 7 knew the meaning of the word 'restraint'.

Embers splintered. 

The ground ruptured.

Sasuke's curled fist impaled the flat surface it reached, as if mother earth was merely a wad of paper shaded green.

On reflex, my foot dipped- hooking underneath the wreckage. I could feel Kakashi’s pride as I roundhoused the flaming slab of earth in Haku’s direction- a pitious example for a proper roundhouse kick and an even sadder attempt at proper aim- the leftover ice caking my ankle melting like sludge.

A ‘crack’ thundered across the forest.

It didn't matter if I was a terrible shot. 'Proximity' was close enough when one utilizes enough force to qualify a piece of rock as a cannon.

“Good job, good job!” I heard Kakashi praise, piggybacking on the footfalls of Sasuke’s roar. 

His chakra was alive, hissing and spitting as he twisted back towards our target- another attack already ready to be launched. 

It was a greek fire swimming in circles. 

A riptide buried underneath a well.

The fireball that erupted before me held no bias, sindgeing anything it could reach. Steam hovered over my braced arms.

My lungs heaved, choking on the change in temperature.

“Don’t forget what’s in front of you,” the ringing in my ears lectured, falling in and out of Kakashi’s baritone. To the side I could see his seated form blurred somewhere in the smoke. “Don’t forget what you can use. Your weapons are more than your body and jutsu. Your allies are more than your comrades or friends."

A beat of the heart and a second lost. 

"Never stop seeing what’s around you."

I was on the ground now.

"Never stop thinking ahead.”

Haku was in the air.

My brain scrambled to fill in the gaps as I weaved around the small patches of fire growing near our feet. Unhelpfully, it found it both hilarious and befitting that we were currently setting fire to 'our' area. There was a brief thought that it took after its owners, but I forcefully abandoned it after I got a mental image of a dumpster fire being presented by a loli-nurse.

'It's got your eyes!' She says as I wonder how the fuck I haven't died yet.

Honestly…

"Sakura!" Sasuke's voice cut in harshly.

'Pay attention you useless lesbian' his tone said.

As I looked up Haku was caught mid-frame: teetering between shooting forward, rolling to our flank, or bounding back. Plumes of heat and smoke caged his left like a gothic picture frame- their creator ready and waiting. 

Naruto blocked his right, his new toy happily laced in his grip.

He named the poor thing Shiro-chan.

It wasn't even white!

Shiro-chan (may it ever rest in peace) was a double-edged short sword found in Gato’s treehouse by yours truly. It was one of those ones with a reverse grip that let you switch it back and forth however you wanted, and it was the only one that came with a sheath so I didn't impale myself bringing it back.

To add insult to injury the handle was lacquered and dripped in red- red red, like a ruby melted, fitted, and spit shined- the blade newly polished and cared for.

Absolutley no part of it was white.

Zabuza said he was born for it.

The last hour and a half made it hard to argue.

A flux surged down Haku’s core, chittering like a bird nesting at dawn as Shiro-chan's blade caught the light of Sasuke's fire. 

Weariness understandably ate him down.

Naruto had just dipped his toe into the basics- only going so far as to not kill himself following a short explanation/ beat down by one Zabuza-sensei, kenjutsu extraordinaire and training tyrant that obviously didn't have time for any of our psych ward shit- so one couldn’t claim the boy knew how to use the blade right.