Chapter Text
Wannabe.
Inner's voice came from a place both intimately close and scarily far away. The air around us hung hard, thick, and heavy. Seconds ticked by with the backtrack of a time-bomb. The fingers laced in my lap felt like they belonged to someone else, still discolored and probably aching.
Like arms of a doll, just glued to the wrong socket.
Maybe the wrong doll.
I couldn't bring myself to look at them.
Next to me Kakashi was draped across the couch cushion: arms extended, legs half-crossed over my own, the pure picture of intimidation.
Wannabe, please.
A mere few feet behind us Tazuna shivered, reasonably on the edge of passing out. The bottle in his hands clattered softly like bones across glass.
Most of its contents were either on the floor or on him.
I wondered if I could get him to share.
The smell was smothering.
Tsunami and Inari, on a testament of said woman's supreme intelligence that I so sorely wish I had, were nowhere to be found. If I knew anything at all, I knew that smart woman was far, far, far away from the universe's newest bullshit.
Probably 'noped' the fuck out of here the moment the bastard knocked on the door.
Both Inner and I desperately wished we were with her, or at the very least had her survival instinct.
Inner keened pathetically. Wannabe, what the hell.
Across from us- across the invisible line that currently divided Tazuna's living room that separated friend from fuckery- Zabuza and the pretty girl I had yet to get the name of sat serenely: a smooth picture of calm and ease, leaned back and relaxed.
The girl was even drinking tea.
I didn't have the slightest idea where she got it.
Taking in Zabuza's mammoth of a sword- which, by the way, was totally more giant and intimidating up close- I carefully revised my opinion of Kakashi. Yes, he was deadbeat trash and still dead in my eyes, and yes: his decisions were not the smartest genin in the squad… but even I had to admit he had some things going for him.
The man apparently couldn't do 'delicate', which was... fair, all things considered. Having his hand forced by one very ticked off Uchiha and one very emotionally charged fox-child trying to destroy Tazuna's house in the wake of bad news was expected and something I really couldn't hold against him. But somehow having that pann out so that both my boys were conveniently unconscious when the monster wanted to talk?
I was convinced. Either Kakashi's timing was inherently bomb-ass or the God/dess of Long Term Planning fucking adored him.
From underneath a spiral of worn and torn bandages, I knew, I just knew Zabuza sent me a smirk. I couldn't prove it, but I was willing to bet my life on it.
I think my soul left my body.
"So, you have no intention of going after Tazuna anymore?" Kakashi asked suspiciously, laid back in an odd mixture of aesthetic ease and killing intent. It reminded me of a viper: coiled and ready to strike.
Zabuza nodded, leaning back languishly. He was similarly sprawled out: arm draped across the back of the couch and leg propped up on the table mere inches away from his death sword, but he didn't strike me as a snake- or even protective.
He reminded me of a cat: unbothered and untouchable- ready to play with his next toy.
A sneaking suspicion told me I was the toy.
"No need." He hummed merrily, offering a flick of his imaginary tail. "After all, little girlie over here already paid us."
Of course, he points at me as he says it- offering no delusion to which 'girlie' he was referring to. Which of course has Kakashi instantly turning to me for an explination because of-fucking-course this universal fuckery decided to happen before I could explain the injuries, sweat, and whereabouts of my person to the technical adult-in-charge. Why ever would I expect anything else?
Inner had started a rough draft of our will in my mind.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't following along.
Kakashi eyed me more intently when words didn't automatically come out. My entire thought process was a half-shaken etch-a-sketch: arguably completed once-upon-a-time, but completely useless now.
"The treehouse in the green..." I started, eyes flickering to Kakashi, Zabuza, the pretty girl and back.
Ping-pong: Russian Roulette style.
Inner prodded me back on track.
"I stopped by to say hello." At the word 'hello' Kakashi became very interested in the state of my knees, and I in turn became very interested in the state of Zabuza's headband. Banged up, battered, and bruised… it was a wonder how it hadn't rusted.
Kakashi turned to Zabuza, probably getting the (accurate) sense I wasn't about to make much sense anytime soon. "Treehouse?" He asked.
Zabuza preened like an apocalyptic peacock. "Our base." He explained, far too happily for my tastes. "Gato had a lot of flair for such an old man."
Zabuza wasn't the easiest to read. His chakra was largely still, and his tone seemed to be permanently stuck at 'the monster underneath the bed wants to eat you'. With most of his face covered in those worn-out bandages and his forehead lopsidedly veiled between his headband and his hair, I didn't have much expression to work from either besides his eyes. And his eyes by genetics alone didn't cover a lot of ground.
So you can imagine the 'nopenopenope' that went through me when his eyes slid over me practically screaming 'VICTORY'.
"She didn't trip the alarm."
Kakashi looked back at me, screaming 'EXPLAIN' just as loud. I tugged at my hair.
"Spiderman crawl." I whispered, hating the words as soon as they came out.
Inner angrily scribbled out something she was writing and put in a foot-note. I swear it was at the 'of able body and sound mind' part.
For the first time since this little chat began, the girl looked up from her tea. "Spiderman?" She asked in interest, her voice lusher than the softest puppy. Her eyes were gentle. The hands cradling her cup could've been made out of silk.
I raised my hands up, mimicking the crawl. "Yeah," I said hurriedly, effectively entranced and painfully oblivious, "you know- spider. But man."
Inner took the entire first page of our will and burned it.
Zabuza's eyes lit up.
"Never heard of it." He purred.
Kakashi blocked me off further, pushing me into the corner of the couch. "The treasure?" He prompted harshly.
"Gato's stash," Zabuza explained, ignoring how the girl tensed and looking not in the least bit threatened. "Wrapped up in a personally made seal."
He said it like that was something important. Based on the shocked/afraid/alarmed/what-the-actual-shit-you-pink-haired-lunatic look Kakashi shot me, he might've been right.
"Kakashi…" Zabuza rumbled, lazily picking at the loose strands of his pants, "I am very interested to know how your little genin managed to open it and keep her arms."
Kakashi's eye narrowed, his chakra strung up and ready to strike. Tension overrode the smell of alcohol. There was a 'thud' from where I'm pretty sure Tazuna fainted.
Inner shuttered in dismay. Wannabe, she muttered, rubbing at her temples and smearing non-existent ink all over her hair, when I said I wanted two handsome men to fight over me one day, this isn't what I had in mind…
I thickly swallowed down my nerves.
Become a lesbian? I offered.
The middle finger she sent in my direction was 100% earned, not even going to lie.
I turned my attention to the brewing storm in front of me.
"Ah, to be fair," I offered casually, holding up my discolored limbs halfway with a rueful smile in an ambitious endeavor to get these murder people to chill, "I didn't get to keep my arms as is…"
Zabuza waved me off, easing the air just slightly. "You managed to heal them pretty good," he praised just as casually, "Not many shinobi out there can pull off medical ninjutsu."
His eyes slid over Kakashi, then back at me- like a panther assessing his prey. "Who taught you?" He asked.
"Me?"
The word came out as more of a question than an actual answer, and there was no thought behind just why I answered in the first place, but I could be forgiven for that… right?
The feeling of being hunted once again bit at my heels.
Zabuza's head tilted in a fashion I was all too familiar with.
A sinking feeling that dropped from my chest to my stomach to my toes overtook me.
"I'll tell you what, Hatake." Zabuza said, settling back with the air of someone who had already won and who was oh so very pleased. His attention strayed briefly to the door just behind us: the only thing besides ourselves standing in the way of him, the girl, and my boys. My hackles raised as I caught the threat.
Zabuza's pleased air intensified as the deal was laid out on the table.
"I have the deeds to Gato's company," he started, pulling out layers and layers of paper from who-knows-where and setting them by his foot, "ready and waiting for a new owner. With Gato out of the way, your little Wave people will probably need some revenue, don't you think?"
The way Kakashi stiffened told me that was probably true. I personally had spent too much time in the green-hellscape to know just how true, but the visceral reaction wasn't a good sign.
"I'd be happy to give them to you…" Zabuza continued with a smirk, "free of charge."
Even I wasn't so ignorant to believe 'free of charge' meant 'completely free'.
From her position the girl watched us carefully, her pale chakra pool inching out further and further like a lake just iced. The action was hesitant and methodical- she wasn't in on this deal.
"For what favor?" I piped up, ignoring the alarmed 'Sakura!' coming from the peanut gallery. By all rights I shouldn't've been the one playing negotiator, but at this point it didn't matter.
A sneaking suspicion told me Kakashi wasn't a part of this deal either.
An even sneakier suspicion said that this deal wasn't a deal at all, but rather a dramatic indulgence. And really, what were we going to say? 'No'?
"It's a small thing…" He purred politely, "You just have to be Haku's playmate until it's time to go."
Haku blinked in surprise.
A sadistic dominatrix at the toes of a hardcore sub could've said 'playmate' with less leer.
"Define." I demanded, cutting Kakashi off from (hopefully) doing the same.
The newly named Haku sent me an apologetic look at the same time Zabuza nodded in appreciation of my gall.
I was starting to see something here.
"He means training partner," she explained gently, setting her tea cup beside the papers with a delicate 'clack'. Her entire demeanor was at odds with everything: Zabuza, the atmosphere, and the very distinct memory of Naruto praising her strength. "Zabuza-sama wishes to train you."
I turned to Zabuza, the half-assed picture starting to become clearer and clearer.
"And why…" I hedged, leaning forward on my knees and feeling like a businessman who just got tricked into a thousand-year contract, "would you want to train me?"
Zabuza pretended to think it over, rubbing at his chin.
"Well, you're interesting…" he started out, moving his hand to the back of his head. It must've been some character tick Here: men scratching at their head when they were feeling sheepish. To his credit, he didn't even blink when I motioned for him to continue, not at all believing his bullshit. "And… what can I say? I have a bit of a thing for pretty things with sharp teeth."
I deadpanned.
Of course he did.
"If and only if Kakashi is in reach at all times." I countered.
It really was a testament to how much of a dumbass I was that I could see his responding grin through the cloth.
"Deal."
Hey, Wannabe?
Yeah?
I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to make things worse, but since we're already screwed and you seem to make it your life's mission to hate me- I decided I might as well.
What?
You remember when you interrogated Kakashi, freaked out, dissociated, and got lost in the woods because of the 'week to live' shit?
… Vaguely. Why?
Well... I did the math. Between the 68-hour guard shift and Kakashi's 5 day recovery period... you had, at most, like, 5 more hours left before the deadline then.
…
You freaked for nothing.
…….
And because I'm feeling particularly vindictive today due to some idiot's newest impulsive decision involving murder people and apprenticeships, your pretty playmate?
…………
He's a boy.
…
SONOFA-!