Chapter Text
I can fix this, I can still put everything to rights. Please, I need you.
Ever since he’d seen Crowley sauntering towards the bandstand, a grim look on his face and a downward cast to his shoulders, Aziraphale had wanted to tell him everything. There was nothing he wanted more than to lay out his cards and show Crowley that everything was in hand. He had faith, he knew it would be OK just as soon as he could get the right people to listen to him. Crowley was acting up, blasphemy falling from wounded lips.
“May you be forgiven.” A benediction, an olive branch, a hope.
We can still pick sides. Pick mine, Crowley. Don’t make me go through this without you.
“Unforgivable. That’s what I am.” Crowley shrugged, refusing to understand Aziraphale’s meaning.
“You were an angel once.” It’s almost a question, almost a plea.
Aziraphale fretted, worrying his fingers around themselves and frowning so intently that his face hurt. A lot of him hurt. Saying these things out loud was impossible, his tongue tripped over itself trying to push forbidden words past his teeth only to find his lips locked tight against them. It wasn’t safe to meet in the middle any more. The risk to Crowley was too great.
“This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous.” Crowley practically spat the words.
I know, I am, but I’m trying. Why can’t you try too?
“Enough, I’m leaving.” Crowley turned and walked away, ripping Aziraphale’s heart in two as he went.
“There isn’t anywhere to go.” Aziraphale panicked, relieved to see Crowley stop.
The end of the world, the end of the universe, the end of creation. It would all boil down to the same fact: there was nowhere they could go that would be beyond the reach of their superiors. Crowley had to know that, he had to know that running away simply wouldn’t work. Aziraphale wanted to believe it was possible with all his being, but he couldn’t. It could never be. Not alone or together.
“We can go off together.”
If only we could. I would, in a heartbeat, please know that. Do you know what I would give up to see you safe and happy?
“Listen to yourself.”
Please, listen to me. Hear what I can’t tell you.
Crowley became agitated, more animated than usual, spitting words through bared teeth. Tears prickled Aziraphale’s eyes until they threatened to overflow on to his cheeks and into the open. He blinked, looking away and upwards, trying to disguise his heartbreak whilst hoping beyond all reason for Crowley to see through his act.
“I don’t even like you.” His voice was thin and petulant, even to his own ears.
“You do.” Crowley wasn’t trying to convince Aziraphale, he was simply stating a fact that they both knew.
Millennia of never giving it voice, of never thinking it too loudly, of never even imagining a world where such words could be exchanged, and Aziraphale still know the truth of it. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Crowley, nothing at all. There was nothing in Heaven nor on Earth more important to Aziraphale than Crowley’s safety.
He steeled himself as best he could, knowing that what he had to do would hurt far more than anything he had ever endured before.
“There is no ‘our side’, Crowley. Not any more. It’s over.” At war with himself, Aziraphale forced out the words.
I’m sorry. I love you too much. If you can’t come with me, go back to your side. I won’t give up on fixing this, but what is the point if you aren’t safe?
Aziraphale bore unwilling witness to Crowley’s reaction, a punishment inflicted on himself as penance for the wound he inflicted. He saw hope leave Crowley’s face, fight leave his shoulders, and determination flee from his will. The sight of a heart breaking was not new to Aziraphale, but he had never been the one to deliver the blow before now. It crushed him into dust, ground finer with each retreating step that Crowley took.
His tears fell in earnest now, unseen by infernal eyes. A gamble he’d never wanted to make could now not be undone, his hand had been forced and he would have to see it through to the end. Whatever that end might be. Aziraphale knew, deeper than his corporeal form allowed, he knew that he had pushed Crowley past their breaking point.
Unforgivable. That’s what I am.