Archive of Our Own ^beta

It is as simple as that: Namjoon wants to die.

It’s not something he grew up with, to feel like this, and yet it’s something that has developed softly over the years, until it became an unbearable pain in his chest. So many little reasons that are nothing on their own, but together they have a voice that drowns every laughter and any happiness that might wait in the future.

It is as simple as that: Namjoon hates himself.

He knows there’s no one to blame but himself, it’s just the way he is. Which makes it an easy decision to go. All the reasons, they’re there when he looks in the mirror. When he stares at his hideous face long enough, a face that got rejected by society so many times for not fitting into any ‘norms’. When he grabs at the bit of fat around his stomach and his thighs that stretch his clothes when he sits down. When he spends time with people who would rather spend time with someone else but just stay out of pity. When he sees the disappointment in his parents’ eyes because he has a big brain and what does he use it for? Music.

It is as simple as that: Death is a relief.

He plans it carefully, makes sure not to leave behind any burdens for his family. They suspect nothing of course, since he has been like this since he was a teenager. Since the illusion that everything is possible crumbled like a sand castle. They are quite happy the last time they see him, because Namjoon is smiling more.

"The beach in Busan?" His father asks. "What for?"

"To finish my book, the one about hip hop culture in Korea and its origins."

His mother sighs. "If that makes you happy… when will you be back?"

Namjoon smiles. "When I’m done," he lies.

He sells his bike. He sells his furniture. He sells his phone. He sells the mirror that he can’t bear to look into anymore. He sells about everything he has, except for his clothes. His music equipment will be shipped to his best friend in a few weeks, a deal he made with the post office to send it accordingly. It’s a good plan, he thinks as he looks around his empty apartment.

It’s better this way. Simple as that.

The cottage he has rented sits on a rock at the remote area of Busan coast. There’s a clear view of the sea and he can watch the sun set on the quiet sea when he lies on the bed. Not his own bed. There’s nothing he really owns anymore and nothing to go back to. He doesn’t think he has ever felt this calm before. So many burdens are just gone.

He sets up his laptop and promises himself to write at least one page every day until he’s finished. He got stuck for a little while last year and it’s something he wants to do before he…

"Ugh."

He closes his laptop around lunch time and buys himself some kimchi ppang on the way down to the beach. Haeundae beach is always overcrowded with tourists but Namjoon has found a little secluded area near dongbaeksom, not far from his cottage. The noises of the city are drowned by the waves and Namjoon spends the rest of the day crab hunting.

He makes a happy noise whenever he finds a little crab that fits onto the palm of his hand. He has always felt drawn to the water, has always loved all sea creatures and begged his parents to visit aquariums when he was little. His bed sheets were whales when he was younger and he wonders why he ever gave up on those and changed them to plain grey instead. There’s so much to lose when you grow up. So much love and excitement in exchange for money and resentment.

"Bet you have a good life down there," Namjoon mumbles as he carries the crab back to the shore. He squats down and places it on the wet sand, crossing his arms over his knees as he watches and waits. The crab moves around a little, to the left, to the right, then it pauses, and soon enough a big wave washes over it and carries it back into the water.

Namjoon shoves his sunglasses up into his dark hair and licks the salt from his lips. The water moves strangely in Busan. Like it’s pulling, beckoning, a call Namjoon has never heard before. A song that is so compelling he wants to walk until he’s all swallowed up.

But not yet. Not yet.

The next day he drops by Dongbaek Park first to admire the greenlife and trees he loves as much as the beach. It’s warmer than the day before so he’s only wearing a tank top and swim shorts, sunglasses on his nose again. It’s strange how self-conscious he has felt in the past years, how he has tried to hide as much of his body as possible, no matter the weather, because he hasn’t felt… beautiful.

Beautiful is not something a ‘man’ is supposed to strive for in this kind of society but he has always wondered how nice it would be. To be beautiful that is. To not hide your mouth behind your hand when you laugh. To not comb your hair into your eyes. To not suck in your stomach when you go outside. To not hide your double chin under a scarf. To just… be. And be happy.

Namjoon shakes his head, sighing to himself. It doesn’t really matter anymore how he feels about all these things. He’s just here to finish his book and collect as many nice memories as possible. Like the mermaid statue at the coast that he likes to look at. People are lining up to take selfies with it and Namjoon curses himself for selling his phone. But then he remembers that he doesn’t need the picture anyway. He shouldn’t be thinking about permanent things, it’s a habit he has to let go of.

So he goes back to his beach where the only footprints he sees are his own and the ones left by crabs. Sadly he can’t find any that day, but instead picked up a pretty and shiny shell that was washed up to the shore. It’s stupid that he carries it to the cottage and places it on his nightstand. Just another habit. The next day he brings home another and wants to slap himself.

"Stupid," he mutters to himself the day after that too, picking up an even bigger one. It’s strange, he thinks. He always finds a new one in the exact same place, caught between two small rocks. Maybe it acts like a basin that stops things from rushing back into the sea? He doesn’t complain. They’re pretty shells after all. Still, he is curious and wades through the water in his swim shorts. Maybe there’s more shells in the deeper waters?

In hindsight it wasn’t a very smart idea. He knows the water isn’t safe here, that’s why it’s so secluded in the first place. The pull of the water is too strong, the rocks are slippery, and before he knows it, he’s underwater. He immediately loses his grasp of up and down. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to hold his breath as his feet struggle to find ground. The current throws him over, catches him out of nowhere and makes him gasp. Another mistake, as water immediately fills his mouth, his nose.

Not yet, he thinks as the panic rises. This was not the plan, this was not--

Suddenly someone catches him by his arms and pulls him up up up, until he breaks the surface. He immediately coughs and wheezes, struggling to get out of something that he can’t get out of. He doesn’t mean to thrash around that much but he can’t help it, the horror is still there in his chest.

"Stop," someone hisses and keeps pulling him to the shore. He hadn’t even realised that he was that far in.

He only calms down when his back hits the warm sand and he can finally cough his lungs out. It burns as water spills from his mouth and every time he breathes in, a new coughing fit hits his lungs. The hands that have dragged him out of the water now rest on his soaked back, comforting.

"Thank you," he croaks and presses one hand down onto his chest as he curls in on himself. The burn in his lungs is going to stay for a while, he can already tell.

The person who dragged him out of the water seems to curl over him to rub his belly. A wave of salty air washes over him, a scent that suddenly calms down his breath and quenches the burning sensation in his lungs.

He slowly turns over to thank the person who saved him but breathing becomes even harder, for a different reason. The young man looming over him is so beautiful that Namjoon almost immediately has to avert his eyes. His eyes shine like opal gems and his silver hair like pretty fish scales.

But dropping his gaze makes his eyes land on a fish tail, a long tail of which half is still in the water, even though they’re on dry sand. He must have passed out, he must be dreaming, right?

"Fragile," the creature whispers, reaching out with one delicate finger to touch him.

But before that can happen, Namjoon finally passes out.

When he wakes again, he is not alone. He blinks his eyes open, ready to shield his face from the sun, but there’s no need. He looks at the inside of a yellow sun umbrella and feels quite confused. He slowly dips his head to the side, almost anxious to lay eyes on the beautiful creature again. But what he sees is only the most handsome guy he’s ever seen.

He’s tall, with soft brown hair and his hands behind his head, sunglasses on his nose. When he sees Namjoon move, he pushes the glasses down and sends a blinding smile in his direction.

"Finally awake? That’s good. We thought you might be dead or something but then you started snoring like a sawmill, so we decided to lie down next to you so it won’t be that embarrassing when you wake up."

Namjoon is still trying to breathe the nausea away. "Uh. Thanks?"

"It’s not healthy to fall asleep in the sun, you know. Did you even use sun blocker?"

"Sorry," he croaks.

"Anyway, we brought sandwiches, do you want some?"

"No, thank you. We?"

That makes the stranger smile again. "Me and my Jungkookie."

He introduces himself as Seokjin and then points at the sea, where a young man plays in the water like an excited puppy, screaming ‘hyung this’ and ‘hyung that’. It would be adorable, if Namjoon didn’t feel like passing out any second again.

"You should really eat something," Seokjin says and offers him the sandwich again, but this time holds it in front of Namjoon’s nose, kind of insistently. "Who knows how long you’ve been in the sun before we came? Come on, you’ll feel better."

Namjoon doubts that but still takes the sandwich. He hates eating in front of people. He hates eating in general. He can’t remember if he has ever felt a positive connection to food. Every breath hurts and every time he swallows it’s like he’s eating sand. It still hurts because he almost died. He almost died, but he didn’t, and now he’s here, eating sandwich with a stranger.

Tears well up in his eyes.

"There, there," Seokjin says. "It’s okay."

But it’s not.

It is as simple as that: Namjoon wants to die.

But dying is scary. He has planned everything so carefully but not the way he wants to go. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to drown. He doesn’t want to burn. He doesn’t want to suffocate.

Thinking about it hurts too much. So it is as simple as that: everything just hurts, has always hurt and Namjoon doesn’t know how to make it stop.

Namjoon spends the whole next day in his room, mostly sleeping and recovering. He writes half a page for his book, then goes back to bed. He kind of wants to stay here forever, right under these sheets. But he can’t, because he has plans. He returns to the beach the day after that, surprised to find Seokjin and Jungkook there again.

They greet him with twin smiles and Jungkook asks how he is, way too concerned for a stranger he just met. They don’t seem to believe him when he tells them he’s fine and panic rises in his throat. People that are this handsome usually don’t hang out with someone like him. They don’t care for his well being.

But he can’t bear to be alone right now, so he stays and even shows Jungkook the spot where he finds crabs.

"Do you want to hold it?" Namjoon asks and when Jungkook nods enthusiastically, he makes him cup his hands so he can place the crab in the center.

Jungkook makes a scared noise when the crab moves and it makes Namjoon laugh. Laughing is easy, it’s not witchcraft. Laughing is one of the easiest things in the world. But it’s so fleeting, so incredibly temporary in the pit of darkness he’s constantly struggling to get out of. He always thought that was the most frustrating thing in the world. That he knew how to be happy and could be happy for a short moment. But it didn’t change anything. It never lasts.

Jungkook on the other hand has done nothing but smile ever since they met. The tips of his long, dark, hair are red and always sticking to his face in some way. He thinks Jungkook maybe does it on purpose, because he preens under Seokjin’s attention and smiles so happily when the other takes his time to tuck the strands of hair back behind his ear. It’s interesting how they are so soft with each other and a moment later Seokjin scolds the younger man and they chase each other across the beach.

Namjoon’s gaze follows them for a while, but it hangs on to the sea and its shallow looking waves that have almost killed him. At this point he’s convinced that he imagined it. That the beautiful man with a fish tail was just something his brain came up with to process the trauma. The Little Mermaid was one of his favourite fairy tales back then, he even wrote an essay about it back in school. To die for love is something so incredibly toxic and yet in stories everyone craves it like air. This one kind of love that doesn’t even exist.

Namjoon carefully takes a step closer to the water, until the water reaches his toes. He notices then another seashell in the same spot he has found all the others in. It’s bigger and shinier than all the others with a spiky texture.

Namjoon leaves it.

The day after that, Seokjin and Jungkook are not around and Namjoon sits on the edge of a rock that leads to the deeper water. He lets his legs dangle, watching the current pull at them, knowing they’re not strong enough to pull him under again.

It happens when he's watching a seagull disappear inside a white fluffy cloud. It’s so fast, he doesn’t even have time to be scared. There’s just suddenly a pair of hands wrapping around his calves and a head popping out of the water between his knees. Namjoon tenses up to the point that he’s unable to move and blinks down at the familiar face.

"Oh," is all he’s able to say at the small smile he’s being greeted with.

Now that he didn’t almost die and the sun isn’t blinding him as much, he realises that this creature is even more handsome than he had thought. His skin is almost iridescent, shimmering like the inside of a seashell and his silver hair is reflecting the light so beautifully he wants to touch it.

But he’s still frozen in place, only able to stare at the creature’s fingers holding on to his legs, his eyes so curious as they look at him.

"Better?" the creature asks in a silky voice, revealing a row of sharp teeth as he speaks. Namjoon just nods, unable to look away. "Good."

He sinks back into the water, disappearing in the blink of an eye. Namjoon is almost ready to believe that he’s hallucinating but then he breaks through the surface again, with a seashell in his hands. The seashell from yesterday that he had left behind.

"Did you not like it?" He asks with the tiniest pout.

Namjoon carefully takes it with both hands, already in love with the smile he receives in return.

"Did you… was it all you? Every seashell?"

The creature nods.

"Thank you." He swallows as he cradles the seashell to his chest. "What’s your name?"

"Jimin. Yours?"

"Namjoon."

"Namjoonie," he repeats to himself softly. "Pretty. It’s pretty, like you."

Namjoon feels a heavy weight gather in his stomach. He isn’t pretty. He’s anything but that. He tries to ignore it and puts the seashell on the rock beside him.

"Can I ask what you are? I don’t wanna be rude, I just…"

"Siren. I sing and humans die. But you didn’t hear my song, did you? It was strange." Jimin folds his arms over Namjoon’s knees and rests his chin on top of them. " You didn’t hear it, but then you walked into the water when I didn’t even sing and..." he frowns to himself. "I couldn’t let you die."

Namjoon should be frightened of what he’s hearing, but somehow he is not. Jimin frowns up at him, like Namjoon is a puzzle he’s trying to solve.

"What do you long for? I can make it happen, I know it. I can make you happy before you die."

But Namjoon doesn’t have an answer to that question. He doesn’t know what could possibly happen to make him feel different from the way he feels now.

"I.. I don’t know," Namjoon settles on. "I don’t know what would make me happy."

This makes Jimin frown, like he’s not able to understand that. And it doesn’t make sense, does it? He can smile but not feel happy. The slightest bit of positive emotion makes him want to cry. His brain is a mess, so Namjoon doesn’t blame him.

"You don’t have to make me happy," Namjoon adds. "I can die either way."

But Jimin shakes his head. "That isn’t the right way. Everyone should be happy before they die."

Namjoon smiles at him, reaching out with a shaky hand to touch Jimin’s silky looking hair. It’s damp from the water but still soft to the touch. Both their breaths are hitching and then Jimin carefully pushes his head into the touch, as if no one has ever touched him like that before.

"Maybe I am right now," Namjoon mutters. "Maybe that’s the happiest I can be."

It’s an invitation, a dare. Do it. Pull me under and let it happen. Don’t leave me with a choice, because my body is still trying to survive.

But Jimin doesn’t do it. He sinks back into the deep, granting Namjoon one glimpse of his long tail that matches the colour of his hair.

Namjoon can’t help but start to cry, letting sobs shake his body.

Even death is rejecting him.

"And that’s why we weren’t here yesterday," Seokjin finishes the story of why they weren’t here yesterday. Jungkook ate so much that he got sick and spent the whole day in bed. Apparently Seokjin had told him to stop eating but of course Jungkook didn’t. That boy is eating whenever Namjoon sees him and yet he still looks ripped. Namjoon feels like he’s gaining several pounds just from watching him eat.

"Hyung," Jungkook whines around a mouthful of Gimbap. "Do you always have to embarrass me in front of everyone?"

"Embarrass you? Everything you do is embarrassingly cute and I love you embarrassingly much."

Sometimes they do that and then they’re suddenly kissing and Namjoon feels awkward. He didn’t visit the spot on the rocks on purpose this time, but he thinks he saw Jimin’s head above the water a few times. But it was so fast, he cannot be sure.

"You’re so quiet today," Seokjin sighs and bumps their shoulders. "Is your vacation almost over?"

"Almost," Namjoon says. "Yes."

"I feel you, that always dampens my mood too," Jungkook laments. "I hate uni, but I love my professor so I stay."

"Literally," Seokjin laughs. "He loves me."

"Is this some problematic student/teacher relationship?" Namjoon chuckles.

"Yup," Jungkook says and offers the box full of Gimbap to Namjoon.

"No, thank you," Namjoon says with a small smile and ignores their concerned expressions.

They all heard his stomach growl.

He might not have heard Jimin’s song, but he still feels drawn to the siren, even after he promised himself not to visit their spot again. But he wants to talk to him, wants to see him, and Jimin does not disappoint. Always gently touching his foot before he breaks through the surface. They smile at each other and Jimin uses his lap as an arm- and headrest again. Namjoon is reminded of how he must look from that angle. Jimin probably sees what he would see if he accidentally opened the front camera on his phone.

"Pretty," Jimin says instead and reaches out to poke Namjoon’s dimple.

"You are pretty," Namjoon mumbles, all embarrassed, and revels in Jimin’s cute giggle.

"You weren’t here yesterday. I saw you at the beach with other humans. I didn’t like it, I wanted to be close to you."

Namjoon’s lips part. "Why? I’m not... " fun? A joy to be around? It doesn’t seem to be something Jimin prioritises.

"Because you’re pretty and I like looking at you up close," Jimin explains. "And you like what I like. We both like seashells. You like to play with crabs, like I do. Just not the big ones, they can be mean. Do you like to sing?"

Namjoon feels like his heart is hurting, because yes, he enjoys all of that. "I like to sing a little but I’m not good at it. I like music though, all kinds of it." He licks his lips. "Sing for me? Please? Maybe your song will work on me this time."

Jimin tilts his head. "To lure someone in has to be done with intention. I can just sing for you."

Jimin’s voice when he sings is even softer than when he talks. It’s just a melody, without words, but it hits Namjoon deeply and he finds himself wanting to kiss Jimin. It’s not a spell, just a desire creeping up on him.

Jimin sways softly with the current, his eyes lingering on Namjoon as he hums quietly. Namjoon closes his eyes and listens to the melody that fits the sound of the waves so well. It somehow calms the storm in his heart and a small smile steals itself on his lips. It’s still there, even when Jimin stops singing to him.

"Namjoonie?"

He keeps his eyes closed. "Hm?"

The weight on his knees increases, as if Jimin is pushing himself up on them. He feels the brush of lips against his own and almost gasps, opening his eyes. Jimin is so close, closer than he has ever been. He smells of seawater and his lips taste salty when he leans in again.

Namjoon can’t remember his last kiss but he knows it felt nothing like this. He kisses Jimin back, one hand on his neck and his thumb running lightly along his gills. He waits for Jimin to grab him and finally pull him into the sea.

But instead Jimin holds on to him. Keeping him safe.

The day after, he sits on a stool in Jungkook’s and Seokjin’s hotel room as they bustle around him in the bathroom. His hair is almost white now from the bleaching they’ve done and Namjoon is amazed how well it worked. His parents always scolded him when he wanted to dye his hair but it doesn’t matter now anyway. It feels good to just do what he wants now.

"Man, now I want to dye mine again," Jungkook sighs. "Maybe I should go all red this time."

Seokjin stares at his boyfriend, eyes squinting. "Not before you improve your grades."

Jungkook makes a disgusted noise behind Namjoon. "Who are you, my dad?"

Seokjin makes a wounded noise in return. "Too soon."

"Sorry Hyung." Jungkook is hugging Seokjin from the side and pressing kisses to his cheek. "Just get us some food, please?"

"Fine, I’ll be back. Don’t burn off his scalp."

"I would never. Namjoon-ssi is in good hands."

While Seokjin is gone, Jungkook pulls out his bag with all kinds of hair dyes. "So which colour do you want, hyung? The red dye is almost empty but we still have green, blue, purple and something that could be pink but I’m too scared to try it. I think purple would look great on you… but also blue. Hmm." He holds up both bottles in front of Namjoon. "Which one do you want?"

"Hmm..." He points at the right bottle. "That one."

Jungkook grins. "Blue it is."

He quickly strips out of his T-Shirt so he doesn’t get dye on it and motions for Namjoon to the same but he quickly shakes his head.

"Don't worry, it can get dirty. I have more t-shirts with me."

"Okay," Jungkook says with a frown. "If you say so."

As he works on Namjoon’s hair to massage the blue dye into it he probably notices how Namjoon’s eyes are glued to the excessive love bites on his shoulder and neck that was mostly hidden by his t-shirt before. He’s only wearing a tank top now.

"It’s okay," he answers Namjoon’s unspoken question and grins. "Hyung likes to bite. But so do I."

Namjoon immediately blushes and looks away, scratching his arm. "Not my business. You seem to care a lot about each other, that’s all that matters."

"Jin-hyung is my soulmate," Jungkook declares, so very sure of himself and his love. It’s almost impressive.

"Oh… it’s good that you have him."

Jungkook hums and then makes eye-contact with Namjoon through the mirror.

"You remind me of myself, you know," he says carefully.

"Do I now? I think I’m older than you."

He tries to make the conversation a little more light hearted, but Jungkook’s face is suddenly very serious.

"There was a time when I was hiding from everyone I loved. I thought I had to go through everything alone and that I shouldn’t burden others with myself. I… it ended miserably."

Namjoon swallows. "I’m sorry to hear that."

"It’s okay," Jungkook says a little teary-eyed. "I got a new chance and I realised that life is too short to be miserable. I had help."

Jungkook moves around him with a wet towel to clean up his hairline, leaning in closely.

"Jungkook, I..."

The boy in front of him stops his movement. "Do you need help, hyung? Do you want to talk?"

The weight in his stomach is almost unbearable. He has a plan and he knows he can’t give up on his plan.

He shakes his head, smiling. "It’s okay."

Jungkook doesn’t say anything, but he looks sad for a moment, then determined, and puts extra care in helping Namjoon wash out the dye. He loves how it looks in the end and Jungkook can’t stop running his hand through it, telling him how good it looks on him.

Compliments are still an irritating thing and he suppresses the need to ask for an essay on why exactly Jungkook thinks that way. It just needs to stop, all of it. But for the first time in ages he also feels his stomach swoop in a good way. His smile isn’t as forced and when Seokjin joins them with all kinds of street food he picked up, Namjoon feels good enough to eat with them.

He even feels the urge to go back to the beach, even if they spent all day there together. He wants to show Jimin what he looks like now, wants to hear what he thinks about it, even though it shouldn’t matter. But old habits die hard and dying seems to become harder every day.

He waits until next morning to sneak back to his rock and Jimin is already waiting for him. He gasps when he sees Namjoon’s hair and begs to touch it.

"So pretty. Always pretty," Jimin tells Namjoon, who swallows down the need to cry. How can simple words of affirmation always make him want to cry? It’s ridiculous.

"It won’t stay forever. It will grow out eventually."

But Jimin still smiles, tugging on his own hair. "Now we are blue and grey."

Stolen kisses behind a rock, strands of silver grey hair brushing against blue hair. That’s all they are in this moment and Namjoon finds that he doesn’t want to stop. If he could, he would stay here and hang on to Jimin’s lips forever. If he could, he would ask Jimin to never let go of him.

You could, a voice inside of him tells him, a voice that has been silent for such a long time. It sounds suspiciously like Jungkook.

Seokjin and Jungkook find out about it eventually. It’s two days later when they find the two of them making out against the rocks, with Jimin pressed against Namjoon and his arms wrapped around his neck.

They’re surprisingly calm about it. So calm in fact, that it makes Namjoon slightly suspicious.

"If you only knew," Seokjin sighs dramatically. "The shit I’ve had to see in my long fucking life."

"Okay boomer." Jungkook rolls his eyes and proceeds to bury Jimin’s tail in the sand like an excited child that gets to bury their grandpa.

Jimin seems unfazed as he burrows into Namjoon’s arms, obviously much happier here than having to hide with Namjoon behind a wall of stone. He makes almost purring noises against Namjoon’s neck, throwing weird glances in Seokjin’s direction. He only stops and relaxes when Seokjin removes his hand from Namjoon’s knee to unpack more food.

They watch Jimin munch on a grilled fish while telling them that it would taste better raw. He offers some of it to Namjoon though and when he declines, he pushes the food against Namjoon’s mouth with a scowl.

"You should be eating, Namjoonie."

"I agree," Seokjin says.

Namjoon briefly feels the panic rise up in his chest. He never liked eating in front of people. There was a time he even felt nauseous from eating, only to binge eat later that day. Food just hates me, he thinks, but he knows it’s not like that. It’s just him.

He opens his mouth and takes the bite Jimin offers, chewing slowly and quietly. It’s not the end of the world, he supposes. He’s still alive.

And that’s the fucking problem.

That night he can’t find sleep. He rolls around in his bed, taunted by the unfinished book waiting by the desk. He only re-read the last chapter he wrote and it’s been like that ever since. He’s running out of time and should focus on the important things, but all he can think about is Jimin, Jimin, Jimin.

Maybe his name is the only song he listens to.

So he crawls out of the bed and slips into his swim shorts and t-shirt like he usually does when he goes to greet Jimin. The sand is soft under his feet and the air is still warm. Instead of the rocks he sits by the quiet shore where it’s almost completely dark. Only the moon reflects on the water.

He stays there with his arms folded over his knees but gives up on it eventually. With his stomach in the way it’s a quite uncomfortable position and he just drops backwards into the sand like the potato sack that he feels like.

He doesn’t even flinch when he feels the familiar touch against his leg. He just didn’t expect to meet Jimin here, it’s not the time they usually meet at. He slowly sits up and his breath gets caught in his lungs when he sees Jimin. He has never witnessed it during the day but right now his skin is glowing. Not completely, just dotted lines all over his body and face that shine like fairy lights. Like the stars.

"Jimin," he whispers when their hands meet. "You’re… glowing."

Jimin smiles as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. "I live in the deep sea, down in Naranda. Light is necessary when everything is dark."

"Naranda? I know that name from an old folk tale… so it really exists, huh." Jimin hums as he lets Namjoon run his hands all over his arms and body, lets him redraw the beautiful shiny lines. "It’s so beautiful… You’re so beautiful."

Namjoon can’t help the sob that tears itself out of his throat. Jimin’s face twists in concern immediately, cupping Namjoon’s face with both hands.

"Namjoonie, my Namjoonie, why are you crying? Where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere," Namjoon whimpers. "Everything."

"No, no," Jimin strokes his cheeks with his hands that feel so wonderful against his skin. "What can I do?"

But Namjoon shakes his head and grabs his wrists with both hands. "You’re so beautiful Jimin. Why do you like me? Why do you kiss me? I’m not… I’m nothing, compared to you."

"Nothing," Jimin echoes. "No, that’s wrong. You’re everything. You’re my pretty Namjoonie."

"Jimin… please don’t. Don’t lie, don’t say that, don’t… I know I’m not what anyone would want, so why do you keep saying that?"

Jimin tilts his head to the side, obviously overwhelmed by the situation. Namjoon shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t have opened up to whatever this is. All he can do is bring Jimin pain. He’s the one who will drown Jimin in the sea of his own misery.

"Are you saying..." Jimin begins slowly. "That I should not find you pretty? That I should not want to kiss you?"

Namjoon’s face is covered in tears as he nods. He wants to hide himself away but Jimin is still not letting go of him, his nails that shine like his scales digging slightly into his skin.

"How would you have to look like then, so that I’m allowed to call you pretty? What would need to change?"

"So many things… you saw Jungkook, You saw Seokjin. You probably saw… many people. Do I look anything like them?"

"You have two feet, like them..."

"That’s not what I--" Namjoon sighs in frustration but he has an inkling that Jimin might be just as frustrated as him.

"I know how my Namjoonie treats himself. But this is the only way I want to treat you. The only way I can. The honest way. I think you are so pretty. You might see a million different ways you could look like, but all I see is my Namjoonie. And I couldn’t imagine you any other way."

His tears have subsided, but the dark feeling remains and Namjoon closes his eyes. Jimin is probably right. He looks at himself in the mirror and thinks of how his nose could be different. He grabs at the fat on his body and imagines how he’d look like if it was gone. How much better it would look if he had a proper jawline. But Jimin doesn’t know about all of this. He only sees Namjoon exactly the way he is. He has accepted him like that and likes him like that.

"If I could… I would bring you all the crabs, even the big ones that I’m scared of," Jimin goes on. "All I ever wanted was to sing for humans and watch them drown. I make them see the thing they want the most and they’re so quick to die for it. But not my Namjoonie. I thought, does he already own everything he wants? Is there nothing else in his heart that he desires? And then you almost drowned for a seashell and I couldn’t bear it. Do you hear me, my Namjoonie? I wanted to know more about you and you told me so many things. I thought that would satisfy me but each time we parted I found myself wanting more."

Namjoon stares as Jimin trails his fingers over his cheeks and down to his lips.

"I think you’re the one singing for me, and now I want to walk with you by the trees that you told me about. Ever since I met you I keep wanting things. I want you. Is that so hard to believe? I thought all humans ever do is believe."

"God, Jimin." New tears run down Namjoon’s cheek and Jimin immediately leans in to lick them away.

"You taste like the sea. I think you’ve been calling to me for a long time. If you left, I think it would tear me apart."

The kiss that follows Jimin’s word is desperate and it’s Namjoon who initiates it. He opens his mouth to sharp teeth and a long tongue, finally giving in to the deep craving in the pit of his stomach.

Jimin is ready to give everything to him, he can feel it in the way he’s touching him, so intimately, in a way they haven’t done before. The siren drags himself further out of the water and Namjoon spreads his legs for him, cradling him closely to his body as they keep kissing. Jimin’s body is heavy, especially where torso meets tail and it rubs against Namjoon so deliciously that he can’t stop the moan that bubbles up his throat.

"Yes, that is a good sound," Jimin tells him. "That’s a pretty sound that I always want you to make. Show me all the ways that you can be beautiful, Namjoonie."

He’s too aroused to be embarrassed or anxious when Jimin pulls at his clothes, demanding to get them off, to see and feel Namjoon just the way he is. His mouth and teeth explore every bit of skin, kissing and biting softly.

"Jimin," he gasps. He’s losing his mind in the way his hard dick rubs against rough scales. "Jimin, please."

"It’s alright. I won’t let it hurt anymore."

Namjoon feels unable to open his eyes, he’s already overwhelmed with the sensation of Jimin touching him. And then he feels something cool and wet engulf him. He holds Jimin close in his arms, feels the other’s breath against his neck.

"Good?" Jimin asks.

"Y-yes..."

Jimin moves against him, forces one moan after the other out of him. When Namjoon dares to open his eyes, Jimin’s face is looming over his, freckles of light all over his cheeks. He stares at Namjoon like he’s beautiful, like he wants him and he can tell that this feels just as good for Jimin as it does for him.

"My Namjoonie," he whispers. "I knew you’d feel good inside of me. Next time I will take you apart in a different way. So many ways. I want to keep you so bad, please don’t leave me?"

It’s a question that Namjoon doesn’t know how to answer.

"I… Jimin. I don’t want to leave, I want to… god."

"Promise me," Jimin moans, increasing his pace as his lips press kisses to Namjoon’s mouth, as if they could coax the words out of him.

"Jimin..." He groans, legs wrapped around his waist now and fingers buried in his hair. So close, he is so close.

"Namjoonie, Namjooonie, Namjoonie..."

Namjoon comes with a broken promise on his lips.

"I made a mistake," Namjoon tells Seokjin while they’re buying ice cream together. "I made a promise I can’t keep."

"Aigoo," Seokjin hums as he eats half of the ice cream he bought for Jungkook. "I know that feeling. I always promise myself to read everyone’s paper at the beginning of the break but look at me now, going on a vacation instead. But I can never say no to Jungkookie. Plus, I’ve promised to go to the beach with him since forever. So I think some promises just take some time. What did you promise?"

I promised to stay when all I planned for was to leave.

"Uh… something similar. It bugs me though… Hyung, I… sometimes I just really hate myself."

Seokjin puts his arm that is holding the other ice cream cone around Namjoon’s shoulder as they walk.

"It’s so easy to hate ourselves for our mistakes and broken promises, huh? Believe me, I know what you’re talking about. I fucked up so many times, you don’t even know. But I’m here now, with the best boyfriend I could ever hope for. If it was up to me we’d already be married but I don’t want to come off as too whipped, you know?"

Namjoon snorts out a laugh. "Didn’t you just agree to walk 10 minutes for ice cream just because Jungkook mildly complained about the heat?

"...Well, you got me there. But what I’m saying is: this is not the end, Namjoon-ah. You have so much time left to improve your life and relationships."

But I don’t, Namjoon wants to say.

Needless to say, the ice cream is mostly gone as it melted in the sun and when Seokjin sees Jungkook’s pout he just huffs and walks back to get more ice cream, this time from the store, with a cooling bag.

Seokjin isn’t the only whipped one, Namjoon thinks when he sees Jungkook’s besotted smile following a cursing Seokjin.

"So, how is Jimin?" Jungkook suddenly asks. "Haven’t seen him in a while."

Just the thought of Jimin forces a blush on his face, the memory of the night before still making his skin tingle in a beautiful way.

"He’s well. I saw him last night. He looked like a glow stick, it was really pretty."

"Ohh, like one of those lantern fishes?"

"Prettier."

"I figured," Jungkook giggles with a scrunched up nose. "You seem happy. You’re head over heels in love, aren’t you?"

Is he?

"Don’t worry, nothing rivals what you and Seokjin-hyung have going on."

"Ahh, I told you, we’re soulmates." Junkgook takes a sip from his water bottle. "Our love is epic."

Namjoon is amazed. "How are you so confident about it? I don’t… think I would be able to handle a love like that."

"Why not?"

"It’s just... it’s not as easy for everyone."

"Who says it was easy?," Jungkook asks him. "There were a lot of obstacles in our way."

Namjoon hums, remembering now that they’re a student and a professor at the same uni. They must have faced a lot of stigma.

"I feel like I’m missing a step though," he tries to explain. "Everyone says you need to love yourself before you can love someone else, but… I’m not there, you know?"

"Ah… I mean. Love isn’t the ultimate solution, but it’s a start. Maybe you just roll with it and figure out the rest along the way? Like, excuse me, hyung, but we’re all hopping on the ‘I don’t need love to be complete’ bandwagon so fast that we sometimes forget about human nature. We’re pack animals. Of course we have friends and family but wanting love? That’s valid. You’re allowed to miss it and want it and you’re allowed to let it heal you. You’re allowed to want him." Jungkook looks at him. "It is about Jimin, isn’t it?"

Namjoon takes a deep breath and nods. "Yeah… yeah it is."

"Maybe he’s your soulmate."

Jungkook sounds so convinced that Namjoon has to meet his eyes to find out if he’s actually serious.

"Soulmate," he repeats when Jungkook frowns at him. "Do you really think that?"

Jungkook licks his lips and inches closer. "Just think about it, hyung? A love that is so strong that it lasts several lifetimes? Someone made just for you, who fights fate just so he can be with you… A love like that, hyung. Can you imagine?"

Namjoon stops breathing as he thinks about it and loses himself in Jungkook’s eyes. His eyes… one of them almost black, while the other glows in a fiery red colour.

Has it always been like that?

"For you."

Jimin makes a happy noise and picks the yellow flower out of Namjoon’s hand.

"Seen them from afar", Jimin mumbles. "Never up close."

"It won’t survive the water but I still wanted you to have it..."

Jimin’s smile is beautiful and Namjoon leans in to kiss him.

Who is whipped now? He can hear Seokjin in his head.

The worst thing happens to him the day after. It’s already late and he just took a shower when someone starts banging on the door of his cottage. It’s insisting, desperate, and it doesn’t stop.

"What the..." He opens the door, thinking it’s maybe Jungkook or Seokjin, but it’s worse. So much worse.

"Namjoon," Hoseok croaks. "Oh my god, Namjoon!"

He suddenly has his friend’s arms wrapped around himself and he spots a crying Taehyung behind him, with Yoongi who looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks.

No, no, no! He was so distracted by Jimin and this place that he forgot about time. Over two weeks must have passed and of course the shipping company has delivered all his equipment to Yoongi. He probably wondered what happened and contacted his parents.

"We looked everywhere in Busan for you," Yoongi says quietly, exhausted.

"We were so scared," Taehyung adds and it’s… it’s just so much.

"Let me go," Namjoon wheezes.

"Namj--"

"Let me go, I can’t… I can’t breathe."

Hoseok lets him go. And he runs. They scream his name but he doesn’t stop. He’s never been the fastest runner so they’re already close on his heels when he reaches the beach, still yelling his name. The sun has just set and this part of the beach is still as deserted as ever. He must look like a mad man when he wades into the water, screaming Jimin’s name so desperately.

"Namjoon! What--"

Jimin doesn’t disappoint him. The water only reaches his hips when the siren emerges from the water and gathers Namjoon in his arms, who is wrecked by sobs and tears. He can hear Jimin hiss at his friends before he curls himself around Namjoon protectively, nosing at his fading blue hair.

"Jimin," he whimpers. "Take me with you, make it stop. Please? I can’t… can’t anymore. It hurts."

"Where does it hurt?" Jimin asks, still so innocent.

"Everywhere," he answers the same way he did last time but it’s not really true. All that hurts is his heart and he cries for it. He wants to die and he hates that he wants to die. Death is not a relief anymore because he doesn’t actually want to die. He just wants to stop hurting, he wants to stop feeling miserable. He wants to be happy without having to work hard for it.

But he isn’t and it breaks him. There’s so many things that are wrong and for the first time Namjoon lets himself cry about it. About the disappointment his parents must feel, about how much he hurt his friends who apparently still care for him, even though he never understood why. He cries about the fucked up society and the fucked up standards he grew up with that no IQ could satisfy. But mostly he cries about how he has treated himself. He wants to stop hating himself, even though he doesn’t know how.

The crying and the screaming doesn’t stop as he clings to Jimin like a lifeline. Beautiful Jimin, who wants him, even like this.

"Namjoonie, Namjoonie," Jimin murmurs into his hair and holds him close. "I will protect my Namjoonie."

There are two possibilities for what happens next. He either passes out from exhaustion or Jimin is finally taking pity on him and drags him down into the deep.

Because all he sees is black.

He wakes up to the sunlight in his cottage, warm and cozy and… rested. He is in someone’s arms but all he smells when he pushes into the person’s chest is the scent of his own detergent. He angles his head upwards, pushing into their neck instead. Now he’s hit by a full wave of sea and he blinks his eyes open, moving away from the body. It’s Jimin. But Jimin looks human. He looks just like Namjoon now, gone is his shimmering skin. His hair is dark instead of silver and his tail has turned into a delicate pair of legs..

The quick movement seems to have woken Jimin up and when he opens his eyes, they’re as plain dark as everyone else’s. It’s almost hilarious how Jimin is still the most beautiful man he has ever seen.

"Namjoonie," Jimin murmurs, cupping his face with one hand. "My Namjoonie woke up."

"Jimin..." He falls forward and Jimin immediately catches him in his arms again, pulls them both down and drags the thin blanket over their bodies. "What happened?"

"You fell asleep, right in the water. Silly Namjoonie."

"But you’re..."

Jimin grins. His teeth are probably the only thing giving him away now, they’re still slightly pointy.

"I have legs, yes. Happens when we’re out of the water for too long. Still a bit wobbly. I can swim and I can walk, but I will never fly."

"That’s okay," Namjoon says and pushes his face back into Jimin’s neck.

They stay like that for a little while, both silent as Jimin plays with his hair. It’s Jimin who breaks the silence in the end.

"Can’t do it, Namjoonie. Couldn't let you die."

Namjoon takes a deep breath. "Okay."

"I think I love you too much. I want to stay with you."

He can’t cry. He can’t cry again. There’s no tears left in him, he spent them all the night before as he cried his heart out.

"I think I love you too. I will keep my promise."

He frees his hand that was trapped between them and rolls onto his back, hooking his pinky around Jimin’s and pressing their thumbs together.

"That’s a promise, Jiminie. I promise you and myself, okay? I will stay… stay alive. You don’t have to do all this just so I keep my promise. You don’t have to stay with me just because you think you have to. I don’t want you to give up the sea for me."

It only makes Jimin frown and he presses his thumb harder against Namjoon’s. "I’m not giving up the sea. But I’m not giving you up either. We can come back some time and play with Seokjinnie and Jungkookie. And then I go home with you. It’s what I want. Do you believe me?"

It’s hard. Maybe it will always be hard. But he wants to try with Jimin. "Yes, I believe you."

"Good." Jimin smiles brightly. "We should see the others. I made them stay with Jungkookie. They were so loud, yelling about you the whole time. Annoying."

Namjoon laughs. Yeah, that’s his friends.

Apparently Jimin has borrowed a few clothes from Jungkook and they fit him well. He’s indeed a little wobbly on his legs though and when they leave for Jungkook’s and Seokjin’s hotel, he has to carry Jimin on his back most of the way. But that’s okay, because it means Jimin is holding on to him and humming sweetly into his ear. It makes him feel good.

The reunion is not as dramatic as it was the day before. His friends are not as scared or worried, even though they eye Jimin nervously the whole time.

"I’m sorry," Namjoon says and means it. Some of the things he did weren’t fair to them.

"We’re sorry, too." Yoongi mutters and Namjoon can only imagine how he must feel. He has also struggled a lot and it was Namjoon who had dragged him to see a therapist back then. But Namjoon has always been a born hypocrite. Of course his advice has never applied to himself, only to others. "We love you, you know?"

"... you shouldn’t," Namjoon can’t help but say.

"Yeah well, you’re stuck with us," Taehyung huffs, ever so stubborn.

The dark voice in the back of his head says They like you? They must have bad taste. They shouldn’t bother with you, are they stupid? and then there’s Jimin, smiling, my silly Namjoonie. I love you too much. So many voices in his head, and what about his own? He lost it somewhere along the way. He used to find it in his music but when was the last time he actually produced something? He promises himself to get back into it again.

He makes a few more promises that day. That he will talk to them more about how he feels, that he will see another psychotherapist, maybe someone different this time. That he will tell his parents, his poor parents, where he has been. He promises them that he doesn’t want to die anymore and it’s the truth.

"I realise now that I never wanted to die," he explains. "But it was the closest thing to what I actually wanted. To get away from everything."

"I feel that," Jungkook pipes up from the bed he’s sitting on, with Seokjin squeezing his hand. "But man, isn’t that a shitty solution."

Namjoon chuckles, because of course he’s right. Jungkook has always been right.

There’s more he promises, but those promises are all for Jimin and Jimin only. Some of them include the footnote till death do us part and he’s fine with that too. He’s fine with everything, as long as Jimin is by his side. He can’t wait to see himself the way Jimin sees him and who knows? Maybe he’ll love himself too one day. But for now he’s content with loving Jimin, year after year after year.

"Selfie!" Jimin squeals when they visit the busan coast for the second time this year.

It’s not a happy ending. Namjoon is not happy yet. Just happier. And maybe that’s a great beginning for him. But this story finds its end here now, with Jimin’s and Namjoon’s hands fatefully intertwined.