Archive of Our Own ^beta

Consistency.

They said change is the only constant in this world. It could be a change for the better just like how the world went from manually doing things to having technologies and machines invented to lessen the work. But every change has the short end of the stick. With more machines involved the lazier the people get.

However, there will always be a change that people wished it never happened. Growing up changes people at most. Their feelings change, their mindset changes and their behaviours change. Which really sucks because it also causes the drifting away of two or more very close individuals. Even if they promised not to change a single thing, they still couldn’t help but break the promise.

“What if someday you lose feelings for me?”

“Darling, I wouldn’t let that happen. Nothing would change between us or my feelings for you. I promise.”

“Bullshit!” Ten blurted out with a slam of his shot glass. He has been word vomiting to Sicheng, the bartender, about everything happening in his life currently. It wasn’t the first time Ten spilling his guts out on the person behind the drinks. In fact, ever since Ten started getting tired of all the shit he does at home waiting for someone who is rarely ever home, he then decided to just drink his guts out instead of self-deprecating.

“Did you know? We actually met in this bar way back then.” Ten started again, this time his head lays down on top of the counter. Sicheng glanced at him, this is the first time he’s being told about this story, usually it’s just Ten ranting about how things have changed and randomly spouting metaphors about it. He does know that it’s about his significant other, although still unclear if they have broken up or not. The bartender rarely replies to Ten’s stories but he still listens and stops him from drinking when he knows he’s reached his limit.

“It was 6 years ago, I think.” Ten shook his head “I know it’s 6 years ago. I still remember the exact date” he laughs pathetically.

How could he forget?

February 28, 2016. The night after his birthday.

His best friend, Taeyong, surprisingly suggested that they go to a bar for a post celebration of his birthday party. His actual celebration wasn’t the most exciting but still cherished the moments as he and his closest friends, Taeyong, Kun and Doyoung watched movies in his own living room and ate the cake they baked. Being a junior in college and throwing off a whole party wasn’t really the best idea, Ten himself insisted.

Taeyong suggesting to go to the bar that day was a blessing in disguise for Ten. He couldn’t thank him enough for this.

He would not have met a pair of eyes, shining as the colorful lights reflected upon it. The man’s lips displayed a little smirk as soon as he caught sight of Ten. He was looking down a little, clearly a big difference in their height.

And Ten has a thing for tall sexy men with nice lips.

He couldn’t help but stare back and flutter his eyes towards the man leaning in the bar counter. Ten gave him the same knowing smirk, provoking the tall man more. He wouldn’t dare make the first move. If he wants him, then he should be the one coming to him, that’s what Ten always thinks. He checks him out some more, he notices his plain black buttoned up sleeves with a black pants, that compliments his long legs and thick thighs, it was simple but clearly visible that this man has his own sense of fashion from the way he carries out that simple outfit. Ten also noticed the way the tall man’s hair was styled, gelled on the side and some strands left in front of his face. After checking him out up and down one last time, his eyes went back to the other’s eyes, giving Ten a wink.

Confident. Ten likes that. Just like how he himself is confident in his nature, he has his own ways and what he wants, he gets. And maybe just for tonight or forever if possible, he wants that tall sexy man with nice lips that is currently ordering another glass of drink.

“Fuck! Just go to him, you look like you’re already fucking stripping him in your mind” Doyoung hissed beside him, pushing Ten lightly on the edge of their table seat.

“Oh you bet I’ll be doing that tonight” Ten slyly smiled, returning his gaze to the tall man. “If he comes over here and talk to me”

Taeyong looked over at the said man and squinted his eyes, he felt like he’s seen him before but their university campus is a big one so he’ll never know and he doesn’t have the energy to remember. He patted Ten’s back, “I approve, go for it”, wiggling his eyebrows.

While Ten was distracted, Kun eyed him clearly signalling him to look at where his eyes were pointed at. The former took a look at the direction Kun was pointing out and a grin slowly crept up to his face.

Finally. Took him long enough, Ten thought.

“Fancy getting a drink with me?” The man brought out his hand in front of Ten. “I’m Johnny”

Ten takes his hand smiling towards Johnny and looking back at his friends, giving them a small farewell, before standing up next to the latter. He is taller than he looks like from afar, Ten’s head barely reaching Johnny’s upper lip. He had to look up at the taller to meet eyes with him, which is a pain in the neck but worth it.

“I’m Ten” He introduces himself. Both of them started walking away from the table and towards the dance floor. “And yes just like the number 10”

“Not from around here, are you?” Johnny says next to Ten’s ear. Hands already at the shorter’s waist.

Ten shook his head, tip toeing a little. “Thailand. You?”

“Chicago” Johnny replies.

“You’re not really having a drink with me, right?”

“I just needed an excuse to talk to you.”

“Wanna get out of here?” Ten asked, in english. Johnny threw a surprised look at first then nodded his head yes, leading Ten towards the exit. Ten was impatient and Johnny was more than willing to comply.

They hit it off pretty quickly. No stripping naked nor lewd activities happened between them, instead they sat on a sidewalk getting to know each other at midnight. They were surprisingly attending the same university, just in different colleges so they rarely see each other. They talked about having left behind their family in their hometowns and how homesick they get sometimes. The both of them understood each other, it was like they were destined to meet that night. They shared a few kisses then and there with sweet words coming out from their mouths. Butterflies in their stomach erupted and they knew they fucked up.

Ten, who gets everything he wants, no longer wants Johnny just for the night.

That’s how their love story began. Casual meet ups turned into dates and eventually, one night when the moon was shining bright as the first snow fell, Johnny asked Ten to be his. And the rest is history.

The morning after Ten’s another episode of drunken nights. He sat in front of his TV, suffering from the headache he got from his hungover.

He likes the pain after every night he gets wasted. It at least makes up for the internal and emotional pain he’s been feeling for the longest time now, it was a temporary substitution that makes him forget everything and focus on how to overcome the ringing in his head.

He lowers the volume of the TV, he’s rewatching an episode of Haikyuu during the summer camp arc, and takes his hot tea from the coffee table, bringing it closer to his mouth. He let out a satisfying sigh as he sips from his cup, but still couldn't help but think about the lingering feeling of emptiness in his heart.

Ten looked around his house. Empty. Nothing but him and these furniture filled up the house.

His beloved boyfriend of six years is nowhere to be found, he hasn't seen him since yesterday morning and the only words they exchanged were nothing but hurtful ones. That led the older to go out earlier than his usual time of leave to work.

It’s these times that Ten wishes he’s currently doing his work right now. But he just has to be given 2 week leave for his excellent performance in his workplace, for some reason also he is much more productive when he’s had a couple of drinks the night before his work. If only they knew that that was just him distracting himself from the chaos in his home. He tried refusing his boss, Taeil, but the big man insisted more and praised him for being such a down to earth person. That’s how his supposed 1 week of vacation extended to 2 weeks. It’s already feeling like an emotional torture and its only been 3 days out of 14 days.

On the day he received his ‘gift’ from Taeil, his first thought was to call Johnny.

“Ten? Make it fast, darling. I’m in the middle of a meeting.” Johnny answered through the phone.

“Oh” Ten doesn’t know why but he could feel disappointment creeping on his heart. “Nevermind. I’ll see you at home”

He heard Johnny sigh on the other end of the line, “You should not have called”, then ended the call.

A certain bang of the door stopped Ten from reminiscing more, his head swiftly turned to where it came from. And there goes Johnny, still in his work clothes, walking up to him with a smile.

“Hi darling.” Johnny kisses Ten’s forehead, placing his coat on the standing rack before walking away again. “I’ll go sleep first, come to bed with me, please?”

Ten hates this. He hates how Johnny can just act like they didn’t fight before they parted ways just yesterday. He hates how he still greets him with that stupid smile. He hates that his heart couldn’t help but still beat faster for the younger. He hates how he couldn’t decline Johnny’s offer in coming to bed with him. He hates that after all of his frustrations, it’s still Johnny in the end. He hates that he loves him so much that he’s willing to stack up the negative feelings he has.

After Johnny took a quick shower, he laid down on the bed beside Ten, who was sitting up against the headboard and watching some random car videos on his phone, and positioned himself so he could put his arms around Ten’s waist. The younger’s hands subconsciously ran over his boyfriend’s hair making him release a slight groan.

“Keep doing that, honey.” Johnny said, voice slightly muffled as his face is nuzzled on Ten’s side. He knows that the older love him playing with his hair, he says it helps him calm down and relax.

Later that night during dinner, Johnny presented to cook for them. Ten accompanied him in the kitchen while his boyfriend cooked, he doesn’t know why but even with just looking at his back doing some domestic shits, he still felt sad.

“By the way, Ten.” Johnny started, his spoon is midway to his mouth,“Why were you here early in the morning? Do you not have work?”

Ten frowned. On the night that he received his vacation reward, although still mad at the older for being too snappy at him earlier that day, he still chose to inform him while they were in bed (“that’s nice” the older says). The next day, Johnny went out for work early and went home late at night just how he usually does. Even when Taeyong would tell him his boyfriend, who is Johnny’s workmate, already went home because they were dismissed early, Johnny is still nowhere to be found, no texts for updates.

“Why?” Johnny looked up to him from his food, raising his eyebrows at the reaction of the younger in front of him.

“I’ll go out after we eat.” Ten informed, his voice stern.

“To where?”

“No need to know.”

“With who?”

“Myself”

“You’re gonna go out alone?”

“I’m always alone anyways”

“What do you mean?” Johnny asked, putting down his utensils to put his whole focus on Ten.

“Exactly what I said.” Ten took one last bite of his food, went to the sink and placed his plate. “Leave the dishes, I’ll wash it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be heading upstairs.”

Johnny was left there with his food, not even knowing what he did wrong for Ten to act cold. He really had no idea but he decided to let Ten cool himself down since he knows that all they’ve been doing is bicker. He’s afraid that it would grow again into a bigger fight, it wouldn’t be the first time that they’d have one. The last time they fought there were plates being broken and a scratch on their wall was made, Ten threw it on the wall out of anger. The time Johnny was the one who snapped, he spent his entire day on boxing with Jaehyun to let off some steam, he came home to blankets sprawled in the living room and fairy lights that were used during special occasions. He received an apology from Ten and spent their night watching movies until it got steamy between them. It’s not the same anymore for them, he doesn’t know what exactly was missing but there definitely is something.

Ten went inside of the bar again. Still alone. He was contemplating if he should call up Taeyong, Kun or Doyoung but they’re probably busy with their lives right now and don’t wanna add up to their burdens. He’s used to being alone anyways.

“Hi Sicheng.” he greeted the bartender as he sat down in front of him.

“The usuals?” Sicheng asked.

“Yes”

“It’s too cold, Johnny. Can we please go back inside?” Ten shivered, hugging his coat tighter to his body. He wishes he could go back to his own room, with the heater on and not outside suffering in the cold at night. If it weren’t for Johnny asking him to meet him outside of his dorm, he would have never taken a single foot beyond his door. He really can’t stand the cold but he’d willingly go for one man, he’s pathetic. He doesn’t even know where he stands in Johnny’s relationship with him, is he a friend? Are they dating? Mutual feelings for each other? All of the above but they have been sweet to each other ever since the start. For fuck’s sake they shared their first kiss on their first meeting one year ago but it’s completely a different story when there are now real romantic feelings involved.

“Come here.” Johnny pulled Ten towards him and engulfed him in a hug to share his body heat with him.

“Why did you call me?” Ten pouted, looking up at Johnny.

“It’s snowing.” Johnny answered, making Ten roll his eyes for stating the obvious.

“It’s freezing.” Ten countered. Johnny laughed lightly and Ten could feel the vibration on his chest which made him bury his head on Johnny’s more. The taller stroked the shorter’s hair then placed his hands on the back of his neck.

“I just wanted to spend the first snow with my boyfriend” Johnny whispers next to Ten’s ears, making the younger shiver with his words and the way his breath was warm and cold at the same time.

“But I’m not your boyfriend.” the younger smirked, “at least, not yet.”

“Well do you want to be?”

“Are you gonna ask me?”

“Ten Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul.” Johnny started, earning a light slap at the back from Ten. “Can I be the peanut butter to your jelly?”

“I hate you!” Ten groaned at Johnny’s attempt of completely ruining the romantic mood. But he eventually gave in, “As long as I can be the shoes to your laces, then yes”

The both of them bursted into laughter at how anticlimactic and unromantic their confession is. Johnny placed his hand on Ten’s cheeks and leaned in for a kiss. It wasn’t their first time kissing nor the second or third, but this time it was slow and sweet unlike the past that was quick and rough. This time it was filled with feelings and love that has been suppressed for the longest time.

“I love you, Ten. I’m serious about this, I have never felt this way to anyone before and you know I’ve dated a lot of boys and girls. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt that loving is really good, and I’m willing to do everything for you. You could ask me to do a double backflip right here and now, I’d totally do it.”

Ten’s phone rang but he was too dizzy to pick it up, so as always Sicheng would answer Ten’s phone with his permission of course.

“Where are you right now?”

“Good Evening, this is Sicheng. Ten told me I could answer the phone” The bartender informs the caller. “He’s at Neo bar right now and we both would appreciate it if you could take him home, sir”

The line ends.

The next time Ten opens his eyes was he’s already back at his house, laying on the bed, with comfortable clothes already changed from his jeans and shirt. It wasn’t too long since he was brought home so Johnny was still awake, playing on his phone beside him. He knew he passed out but he couldn’t remember Johnny bringing him home, he figured Sicheng must have something to do with this.

“You okay now?” Johnny asks from beside him, not taking his eyes off of Ten. Still worried at the younger since it hasn’t been long since he brought him home.

Ten didn’t answer and only stood up, which is a total failure cause his surroundings are circulating around him. He prepared to fall face first the moment he stumbled but he was tugged back on the bed with Johnny’s arms around his waist, supporting him.

“Babe. Come on, you gotta talk to me. Tell me what did I do wrong?” Johnny pleaded, grabbing Ten’s hands to link it with his own. “Please?”

Ten scoffed, “Maybe if you paid attention to what I was saying, you’d know that I got a 2 weeks leave as a gift. Maybe if you’ve been home during the past few weeks or months then you would have known what you did wrong.”

But those words only stayed at his mind, never really having enough energy to snap at the older nor enough care to tell him. He wanted him to realize what he did wrong on his own.

“Taeil hyung gave me 2 weeks off from work as a gift for my diligence” Ten replied. “I just wanted a drink”

“We should have drank here together then. You and me. Like the old times” Johnny says, now pulling the younger onto his lap and embracing him tightly, giving small kisses on Ten’s neck. “Let’s sleep for now, okay? Then we’ll talk tomorrow.”

Ten couldn’t resist Johnny. The younger turned around and faced the older, clinging his arms around the latter’s neck and giving him a peck on the nose. “You’re gonna be here tomorrow when I wake up?”, he raises his eyebrows at Johnny, tone sounding a bit expectant and questioning.

Johnny looked up to Ten with wide eyes and slightly open mouth, a sudden realization hit him making him feel guilty. “I’m sorry, I’ll come home earlier I promise.”

Ten hummed in response and pushed Johnny with him to lay on the bed, their limbs tangled together. Ten positioned himself on Johnny’s side, his arms draped over Johnny’s waist and buried himself on to the older’s chest.

Getting himself comfortable, just like he always did with him. The next thing he knows, he’s fast asleep, enveloped in a comfortable hug.

The sound of the door closing woke Ten up. He is a really light sleeper that could wake him up with any movement or sound. That’s when he knew Johnny probably left early again. Which is pretty disappointing for him again, he was expecting the latter could have stayed. Too much for getting his hopes up, he groaned as he rolled on the bed hogging the blanket to himself.

He tried going back to his slumber but his thoughts started bothering him. He couldn’t stay still with the thought of Johnny breaking his promise again, not even giving him a word of reassurance before leaving again for the day. Ten got up, his headache wasn’t as bad as he usually had, maybe it’s the way he cuddled with Johnny last night. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it, Johnny still gives him the comfort he needs, above all the stacked up negativity Ten has been collecting.

Ten forced himself to stand up and make his tea. But going downstairs, he was surprised by the sound of light music coming from their small radio, a sweet and appetizing aroma can be smelled. A situation he came to love but lost by the time passed, he felt the same excitement and anticipation again.

There he sees, Johnny half naked, only wearing a pajama and an apron that covers his torso. A sight he also got used to, 3 years ago when they first moved. Ten would usually back hug his boyfriend as he cooks their breakfast and prepare for their work, sometimes they’d take way too much time in the shower together but nonetheless everything works for them. They were fluid-like with the way they flow with each other, calm and flexible.

“Hi Darling. Been a while hasn’t it?” Johnny greets him.

“Yeah.” Ten proceeds to walk towards Johnny and snakes his arms around the older’s waist as he cooks, pressing his head onto the back he closes his eyes embracing Johnny and the feeling of having him again in his arms like this. He loves this so much that he wishes it won’t end.

“I love you.” Ten blurted out from behind. It doesn’t feel right. The words coming out from his own mouth, it doesn’t sound right yet so familiar. “I’m sorry” he followed.

Why was he apologizing? He doesn’t know either. Maybe it’s because he was being snappy at Johnny for no reasons at all the past few days or weeks, maybe it’s because he went out to drink last, maybe it’s because he disregarded his dear boyfriend’s feelings or maybe he wanted to do something dumb and wants to apologize in advance. There are lots of reasons why.

“It’s okay, love. I love you too, Tennie” Johnny finally turns around, quickly turning off the stove before he does, embracing Ten in a hug. “Everything will be alright.”

Ten hates this. He hates feeling guilty and once again, he doesn’t know why. He wishes he could have talked to Johnny that moment before he goes out for work, maybe he’d understand his thoughts. Everything about what went wrong between them. What took a turn and separated their ways.

It’s one of the days where he feels extra gloomy despite having his time with Johnny early in the morning and he misses his friends. That’s how he ended up in Taeyong and Jaehyun’s apartment, a box of sushi in hand hoping he could eat away his problems. It’s always the best decision to go to your best friend for consultation, especially when they are someone who knows you like the back of his hand. Except for Johnny, it was probably Taeyong who knew him the best considering the amount of years of friendship and memories along with secrets they have collected and shared.

“He sounds just the same to me. What do you mean his feelings changed, Ten?” Taeyong asks after the younger vented out his problem.

“I don’t know. Lately it feels that he’s just not having enough time for me but when I say it like that it’s kind of childish because he has work and I get it. But there’s just something I can’t pinpoint, I know something has changed” Ten argues. “I mean yeah I’ve got stood up by my own boyfriend who I lived with but he makes up for it? Sexually speaking, nothing has changed. That I can proudly say.”

Taeyong furrows his eyebrows, still not getting what’s wrong. “It’s okay to demand affection sometimes, you know?”

“Yeah. But why does it not work when I finally get it?”

“You said Johnny changed, right?” Taeyong asks for clarification, getting a bite of his sushi. Ten nods in agreement, raising his brows a bit signalling him to continue.

“But he does the same things for you and it doesn’t feel right?” He asks again.

“Yeah. Why?”

Taeyong sat up straight leaning closer to Ten and placed his hand on top of the younger. He sighed in frustration, readying himself from what he is about to say and what the latter’s reaction would be.

“Ten. I need you to sit and think this through right now, okay?” He softly and carefully picked out his words. “Have you ever thought about you? Did you change? Was it really Johnny or you?”

“Oh my god, Johnny! You didn’t have to!” Ten exclaimed in delight. It’s the usual candles on the table, fairy lights above and soft music playing from the speakers, all for the romantic vibe.

Johnny decided to celebrate Ten’s birthday like this. A date inside of their house, with a different kind of look. It reduces the expenses he’ll pay and it’s sweeter and more comfortable as it is in their home. Ten never wanted an extravagant celebration anyways, this was more than enough for him.

4 years into their relationship and Johnny never fails to make Ten’s heart skip a beat. He could proudly call him his soulmate, his other half and every figure of speeches that described how perfect they fit each other so well. Just having each other’s presence was enough for the both of them, never asking for more but receiving what they knew what their other half deserved.

“I figured you’d only want to spend your birthday with movies again. I wanted to make it special at least. It’s what my bestest boyfriend in the world deserves.” Johnny moves closer to Ten, giving him a quick peck on the lips before pulling out the chair in front of them, offering the birthday boy to sit.

“You don’t have a choice, Darling. I’m your only boyfriend unless there’s someone else” Ten jokes, a way to mask the overwhelming feeling Johnny gives him. Johnny only gave him a wink in response, he trusts him so much that he’d never had the thought of Johnny having someone else besides him before. “But I have to disagree. You are the bestest boyfriend in the world. Don’t argue with me.”

“Well I know I am.” Johnny shrugs his shoulder.

“Boo, you whore.”

After their dinner date.

Both of them were sprawled on their bed, eyes half open. Bodies tangled together and a sentimental mood envelopes the atmosphere, both were too tired to talk but neither wanted to sleep first. Ten’s head rested above Johnny’s shoulders, face facing the ceiling. The older’s fingers play with the strand of Ten’s hair in a comforting way making the latter sigh in satisfaction. He presses a kiss on Ten’s forehead and pulls him closer to him, feeling the warmth externally and internally. Johnny is a big fan of cuddles which is a win for Ten because loves being small spooned.

It was as if Johnny could hear what Ten had been thinking when he asked, “A penny for your thoughts?”

“I think it costs at least a hundred bucks” Ten giggles.

The older caresses the younger’s cheek and made him look at him. “What are you thinking, Ten?”. He never fails to check up on him, he loves that he knows him too damn well that Ten couldn’t even get away with it.

Ten pouts, he’s too embarrassed to say what’s on his mind right now but when Johnny gives him that look where he feels like he can see right through your soul with his very sexy lips slightly puckered up. He couldn’t help but break.

“I was just thinking about the ‘what ifs’” Ten admitted.

“Oh no! Not the what ifs!” Johnny whisper-yelled as if he was a character in a Disney show and their generic type of tone. The both of them let out a soft laugh, the tension wasn’t that serious anymore.

“You know what if someday in the future you leave me for someone else? What if I’ll never feel again the type of love you made me experience?” Ten blurts out all of the what ifs he had in mind. Too many to answer all of them. But what caught Johnny’s attention the most was Ten’s last what if.

“What if someday you lose feelings for me?” He says as he looks up at Johnny with teary eyes. It’s supposed to be a good day, he thought, then why was he saying all of this stuff to Johnny? He was afraid of what changes there is to come into their lives as time flies further into the future.

“Darling, I wouldn’t let that happen. Nothing would change between us or my feelings for you. I promise.”

Ten’s eyes closed, the last thing he hears is the promise from his beloved. A promise that would last for the lifetime they are together, a reassurance for him that brought a smile on his face as he finally drifts off to sleep

Ten was a fucking coward, Taeyong says along with Doyoung and Kun agreeing adding more words to Ten’s unreasonable actions. It was not like he did it out of impulse, maybe they were right. He really was a coward. But it’s still better than seeing Johnny, his boyfriend for 6 years that he gave all of his time and love for, cry in front of his face. He was a coward, yes but he wasn’t a sadist, maybe slightly, he wouldn’t have the guts to hurt someone, especially when it was someone he dearly loved, emotionally. It was better that he ran away.

After an eye-opener from his and Taeyong’s conversation that day. He gave a lot of thoughts on it and has come to the conclusion that he was the one who changed, it wasn’t the same feeling he had for Johnny when they were 19, no butterflies in the stomach nor chills crepting up to his bones every time their bodies touched. His fire simply lost its flame, only guilt on his heart after blaming everything on Johnny before he had an epiphany. So the first thing he does is gather up some of his clothes as fast as possible back on their apartment. It was in the middle of the afternoon, busy hours. He set his suitcase on the floor and gathered some of their shared things or displays that he bought to bring with, he gathered as much as possible not wanting to come back and see Johnny yet, he doesn’t have the courage to.

It was unfair. Just leaving without any words, Ten thought. So he opened his drawer and decided to leave a letter to Johnny. A goodbye letter.

Months passed by when he made that sudden decision. Naturally their mutual friends would update him about the older, which every time they do he’d feel his heart clenched tightly on his chest. Now he sprawls in his old apartment with his brother, Yangyang along with his boyfriend Renjun. Luckily enough, his old room still remained the same as it was when he left it to his younger brother minus the fact that there’s less Ten things scattered and displayed. It wasn’t like his room was left untouched for the 3 to 4 years he lived with Johnny, He frequently visits Yangyang and also sleeps in his room when he’d have a huge fight with Johnny. Although this time it wasn’t just a fight, instead it’s something he should get used to again, living without Johnny in his life.

“Ten hyung, do you want to come with us? Neo bar?” Yangyang asks, opening the door. “You need to get out too.”

“I do get out” Ten replies lazily, rolling onto his side, back facing his brother.

“Only for work. I’m sick of seeing you mope around here” there was a short pause before Yangyang hesitantly let out his next words. “It’s making me sad too. Please?” His voice is rather shy than his initial sassy tone earlier.

Ten felt the bed sink and a pair of arms, although awkwardly, surrounded him with warmth. Yangyang wasn’t someone who displays his affection well, except if it’s for Renjun, he just felt the need to hug his soulless brother. All he wanted was for his older brother to know that he cares and he’s not alone, a wordless comfort he could give to him.

“Why are you even going to a bar? Aren’t you like 12 years old?” Ten teased Yangyang, finally facing him as he hugs back at his younger brother. He could use some of his baby’s cuddles right now.

“I’m literally 21, I literally live with my boyfriend?”

“I know. I’ll go, okay?” Ten finally agrees, “Would that make my baby Yangyang happy?”

Yangyang groaned, pulling out from Ten’s hold and standing up from his bed. “That’s disgusting!” he exclaims.

“Just be ready at 10” Yangyang says, closing the door behind him.

Neo bar at all places. It feels like torture but he must suffer the consequences. He hasn’t stepped into that bar ever since that happened, memories he’d rather have stored in the basement than reminisce it all over again. It wasn’t because he regrets ever meeting the older more of a shame that he let go.

Ten knows he’s the shit when he actually tries. He wanted to feel good and take advantage of the night, maybe eye on some hot stranger or cry during his 2nd drink. He’s wearing a button up silver sleeves, sequences placed on some parts of his clothes that makes him shine literally. Tight black skinny jeans hug his legs perfectly and a little bit of make up on his face. He tried going all out for this, at least he wouldn’t look like the mess he actually is.

The moment he walked inside the bar, there were eyes already looking at him. Something he takes pride in, also one of the reasons why Johnny eyed him the very first time he saw his face.

It’s Deja Vu all over again. Ten feels he was back in his younger self, that time he let the tiger within him take over his body. Same mood at the bar, more people than normal for some reason, an upbeat song playing with people jumping up and down on the dancefloor. The same feeling as someone’s stares eating him up, the same droopy eyes, same sexy lips.

Fuck, Ten thought.

Ten wishes he could get swallowed up by a blackhole rather than face his problem. God did he miss that face. More than he could ever admit.

He could feel himself gulping unintentionally as his eyes never got torn away from the other’s familiar ones. Luckily enough for the thai, the other was the first one to look away, his gaze going back to the girl clinging onto him, which Ten didn’t notice until now. He doesn’t even know where Yangyang and Renjun along with their friends went off to let alone a girl next to his ex-lover.

At least he looked like he’s having the time of his life.

That hurt.

“Hi Sicheng!” Ten forcefully smiles. He then takes his usual sit on the bar counter, a good view of where the bunch of bodies sweat from dancing around too much. A clear view of him.

“You’re back.” Sicheng raises an eyebrow at him. He turned around and brought out some bottles as he mixed the drinks and placed the glass in front of Ten. At least there was one thing Ten actually missed in this bar, not the older man he met nor the beginning of their supposed happy love story, he has grown fond of Sicheng during his times spent wailing at the bar. The kind of fondness that you want to take care of a person as a big brother.

“We broke up.” Ten casually says, his mouth bitter, not sure if it was from the drink or the words coming out from his mouth.

Was he always this pretentious? Maybe yes. Did he feel his heart break a little when he let out those words? A lot. Will he stop looking at his ex-boyfriend dancing another girl with the same damn smile he gave to him and pretending Ten doesn’t exist? No, he can’t bring himself to tear his gaze away, maybe with a little bit of jealousy.

The irony of seeing Johnny, a familiar face with his familiar figure and stance yet so unfamiliar when he’s not next to him. She wasn’t even that pretty, or so what Ten wants to think. He wasn’t blind to know the girl next to Johnny, hands gripping his arms as she looked up at Johnny, is attractive nonetheless. And Ten feels like he’s watching his own love story unveil before his eyes but this time, he wasn’t the one beside the older.

Ten couldn’t help but to think that this would have been the same scenario if he just ignored the older back then. He’d probably approach another man or woman if he simply just rejected, they’d stay as strangers to each other. Maybe it would have been better.

But right now as he watches the older, he realizes he’s just another stranger in the room. A stranger that shares a few secrets with him. A stranger that made unforgettable memories with him. A stranger he dearly loved before. Ten is just a stranger to him too, a stranger that broke his heart. Strangers that once shared the same heartbeat.

It definitely looks weird. He has been spacing out, head empty no thoughts as he follows their movements with his eyes. If looks could bore a whole then Johnny and his partner would totally have a big ass one on their foreheads. He snapped out of his headspace when he felt something wet run down from his cheek. And just his luck, Johnny decided to steal a glance from Ten, who is wiping a single teardrop from his cheek, stopping from whatever he was doing to take a better look at the younger.

He needs to get out. He needs to run away. Coming here was a mistake anyways, he could’ve spent his time watching The Notebook on his laptop for the nth time so he could have a reason to cry. Ten quickly went out of the bar, settling himself on the wall in between two buildings and brought out a cigarette. Something he uses as his stress reliever but knowing the limitations, a small habit he developed overtime he tries his best to cope from his cowardice. He himself never imagined that he’d be inhaling the killing thing but look at where he is now, leaning against the wall with a cigarette lit up in between his fingers. He could only stare at the ground as he inhales and exhales everything.

Footsteps nearing his place could be heard and once the tracks stopped, a clearing of the throat replaced the sound of walking. “Ten” a familiar voice trails, making Ten lookup as he sees wide eyes, looking back and forth at what's in between Ten’s hands and his face.

“Don’t say anything. Don’t come near me. Please.” Ten straightens himself, backing away.

“Why are you smoking?” His voice stern, worried.

“You don’t have to know, Johnny.” Ten frowns, “I told you to not say anything. Just leave please.”

“We need to talk” He persists but still not taking any step closer from the younger. “Baby, please?”

“You’ve got a girl wrapped around your arms earlier and yet you ran after me, calling me ‘baby’?” Ten replied with thunder in his voice, clearly pissed off. “You should not have. You should have had fun with her. Spent the entire night. I went out for a reason! Why the fuck did you have to go after me!?”

This time Johnny finally steps forward, his hands reaching for Ten’s. “How could I not?”, letting a tear escape from his eye.

“Because I left you. That’s enough reason not to.”

Just as he feared. Droplets of tears started flooding Johnny’s face, the look he doesn’t want to see that made him resort to leaving him a letter of goodbye. He can’t stand seeing him cry, he’ll break so Ten closes his eyes in frustration as he runs his hand through his hair.

“Don’t do this, Johnny. Just go back inside and forget about me.” Ten begs, “You shouldn’t be crying over a person as cruel as me.”

“I love you.” This time Johnny was the one begging, Ten still trying his best not to look over at Johnny. “I love you so much, Ten.”

“I don’t.” Lie.

“You wouldn’t tear up earlier if you didn’t”

Ten couldn’t handle the suffocating atmosphere he’s in, he tries to stomp his way out of the alley only to be pulled back again. In a tight embrace, back in Johnny’s arms. That’s when he breaks, hugging back Johnny as he finally lets his cries be heard, face buried on the taller’s chest.

“You don’t deserve someone like me. You deserve to have a nice wife take care of you and have children running around your house. Not someone like me who only knows how to be mad at you. Get married and have a beautiful life, forget about me.” Ten says although his words are pretty much mumbled. “You don’t cry over shitty people. You only cry when you marry someone, the day you’re absolutely happy. Save your tears for that time and not for someone who hurt you.”

“Ten” he whispers, one hand on the younger’s waist and the other on the head. “I want you to be the one I marry, not someone else. You.”

“Johnny….No.” he sobs, “I can’t do this with you, I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“You never did, baby.” Johnny tightens his grip, “it was my fault too, I let stress take over me that made me forget a lot of things, I lost the reason why I was doing my job. But that day, I got you home from the bar then the morning after, I remembered why I was doing all of the extra work as usual. Then I came home to find the letter and your things gone, I thought we were gonna be okay but I was too late. Yeah that one you hurt me but I’m sorry I didn’t apologize earlier”

“I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m sorry I changed, my feelings changed. I’m sorry for not facing you or my emotions well. I’m sorry for everything I said before we broke up.”

“As long as we can work this out together again, we’ll figure it out” Johnny looks at him in his eyes, both are puffy and red.

“Johnny, I don’t want to. I’ll let you go now, maybe we’ll meet each other again in the middle. But not right now, I can’t.” Ten pulls away.

“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind, right?” He laughs bitterly, “I’ll wait, Ten.” He reaches at the back of his neck, fiddling with something. “When you come back to me, wear this.”

The object finally appears before Ten’s eyes. Johnny removed the ring placed on the necklace and put it on Ten’s hands instead. “I promise, I’m willing to wait.”

“What if I don’t ever come back?”

“Then, I’ll do what you said.”

“Be happy, Johnny.” Ten says, giving him one last kiss on the cheeks and walked away just like he did the first time, leaving Johnny alone in the alleyway.

Ten doesn’t need to know the moment he left, Johnny finds himself sitting against the wall bawling his eyes out. He doesn’t need to know that the ring he gave has always been hidden on their bedside drawer, waiting to be used for the day he finally pops the question. He doesn’t need to know the amount of money he saved so he could give the both of them a better house and a better life after they get married. Ten doesn’t need to know a lot of things and Johnny, when the time comes, maybe he’ll be able to tell him all the things left unsaid between the two of them.

Dear my darling, Johnny.

I have three things to say to you.
I love you.
I’m sorry.
Thank you.

I love you.
I have been loving you for the past 6 years we’ve been together and I don’t think you’ll ever be out of my heart. I love you so much that I want you to always be happy for the things you do and your future. I could never unlove you, Johnny. Remember that always. I love and loved you with all of my heart. You are my soulmate as cliche as it sounds, however

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry if I haven’t been the best boyfriend these past few months. I’m sorry if all I did was fight with you. I’m sorry for being the one you don’t deserve. I’m sorry if I’m gonna leave you just like this, without even telling you. I’m sorry for everything, hate me all you want after reading this. I’m sorry if my feelings have changed. I’m sorry for being the coward that I am for not confronting you. I am truly sorry because at one point, I blamed everything on you.

Thank you.
Thank you for being my happiness for the past years we’ve been together, I hope I was yours too. Thank you so much for putting up with my fucking annoying and bratty ass. Thank you for staying with me despite all the flaws I have, despite you being the most perfect human being and as a boyfriend in the world. I truly don’t deserve you, Thank you for always taking care of me. Thank you for everything you did, you’ll be getting rid of a menace in your life now.

Please be happy without me. Go out and have fun with different people. Go do the things you never did when you were with me. We should learn how to live without each other now, don’t contact me for the sake of both of us, don’t ask about me, please? I guess this is goodbye. I love you. Love, Ten.