Archive of Our Own ^beta

             –Everyone has it inside them. A monster waiting to get out. Sometimes it’s good to the let the monster come out and play.

It’s hot and sticky and there are too many fucking muggles around to take out my wand and do anything about it. I’ve been dreaming about crossing the pond into America for as long as I can remember, but never once have my dreams resembled this hell that I am currently calling reality. I’ve been on the road with Albus for so long that I cannot remember what London smells like or what rain feels like on my skin. California summers are not something I enjoy, I know that now, and I have already made a very serious mental note to never return to this forsaken place at this time of the year again.

Los Angeles is like a putrid melting pot of every bad representation of muggle culture that you could ever imagine. It’s as if the entire city is slowly collapsing beneath the relentless weight of the sun and no one seems willing or capable to do anything about it. This is by far the worst stop on the American leg of the tour and I am silently counting the days until we leave this horrid place.

The White Lies have been zigzagging their way across the states as a supporting act who could probably stand on their own for the better part of a year now, quickly picking up steam and fans along the way. By the time we hit Los Angeles I am tired and the heat is making me cranky and the newness of being alone with Albus in the great big wide world has definitely worn off.

Of course I love being able to share this experience with him, and I am ridiculously proud to call him mine, but there is no denying that I secretly long for the lazy London afternoons together that we will never get back. What I wouldn’t give for a lie down in the grass at Malfoy Estate with Albus beside me. Hell, I’d even take Hogwarts at this point, as least we didn’t have to pretend to be something that we’re not.

Albus’ wrangler had made it exceedingly clear right from the get go that I was to outwardly appear as a best mate and nothing more. “Bad for his image” she had said, and although both of us had loudly protested, she was hearing none of it.

In the beginning it wasn’t so terrible, being classified as part of the ‘entourage,’ the un-famous friend who served as a reminder to the fans that Albus was just as ‘normal’ and ‘average’ as they were. Stolen kisses behind the curtain and sneaking between hotel rooms after hours, it was like a game that I was more than happy to play. The scars that Hogwarts and Scamander and Albus’ absence had left on me were still fresh and there was nowhere else that I would rather be, no matter the cost.

By the time Albus and his band came to Los Angeles they had gathered up enough momentum to be invited onto several local radio shows. Of course Albus drug me along with, although I am usually relegated to the lobby to wait since I am not part of the actual band.  I generally sit and leaf through whatever random magazines are scattered about and listen to the live feed filter through hidden speakers. I quickly began to recognize patterns in interview questions with every one that I listened to and at first it was easy to laugh off the innocuous questions about Albus’ ‘love life’ and if there was a ‘special girl’ that he was fond of. Of course, sexuality was another no-no with his manager. She had insisted that Albus keep that pivotal detail about himself private, as it may do him more harm than good.  Female fans liked to live in the illusion that their favorite musicians could somehow be theirs, and she didn’t want Albus alienating this viable and highly profitable market.

I’m listening to Albus’ voice filter over the airwaves and I know him so well that I can hear the smile in his words. The band was playing The Paladium tonight and the radio host was promising listeners it was going to be a show to remember. Before they were finished they gave fans the opportunity to call in and win tickets and even now, all this time later, it never surprises me how many people love Albus. I can relate to those people and I certainly cannot fault them.

Albus came to get me after he was finished and his bright smile made my lonely wait worth while. What I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and kiss him, but his manager’s warning glare ensured our interaction was relegated to a smile and a casual nod. 

I really hate his manager.

I could feel the weight of her stare on me as Albus leaned close and whispered, “Let’s get out of here,” in my ear, and I could only grin over my shoulder at her as he drug me out the station’s front doors.  I don’t know when it had become a competition between us, but every time she told me ‘no’ it only made me want to do it more.

Outside it was sticky and hot and with in a few minutes I was ready for my nth shower of the day. Albus wanted to explore and eat and I was happy for the time alone, even though I was melting. We walked randomly and without purpose, both of us content in each other’s company and the anonymity that only a large city could provide. At some point we had ventured into North Hollywood and stumbled upon a tiny hole in the wall hot dog joint. Albus giggled as we shuffled in and made a suggestive comment about American wieners and Vicious Dogs that had us both stifling laughter as we perused the menu. The man at the counter was an older gentleman who was super friendly and more importantly, not a fan. In fact, to this man we appeared nothing more than a couple of young blokes out to lunch. The place was small and we chose a seat by the window and I have to admit, that the hot dogs really were damn good.

It is so easy to lose ourselves when we are together. I think that everyone forgets how young we still are and how tiring it is to act like adults all the time. We shared our food and some kisses and it never occurred to us that what we were doing was in any way, wrong. Of course, being in the heart of the city meant we were never allowed to be anonymous for very long and although we didn’t see the group of girls that all had their muggle mobile devices in hand, we would know all about them and the harsh reality of something that muggles called social media very soon.

Since Albus generally ignores his mobile and I have never even turned mine on, it wasn’t until we returned to the hotel that we discovered anything was amiss. His manager was waiting for us out front and looking murderous. Her hair was sticking out in several places and her eye make up was smudged and although I knew I should have had the decency to at least look remorseful, I couldn’t help but smirk smugly at her instead.

“Inside. Now.” Her tone was a low growl that completely erased any and all happiness I may have been feeling. She stood between us in the lift and escorted us back to our rooms. When I chance a glance at Albus it was his manager’s gaze that met mine and instantly stirred the first strings of anger inside of me.

When she stopped in front of Albus’ room and told him to wait inside I quirked a brow, and when she escorted me to my room I begrudgingly followed along. Instead of leaving me she entered my room with me, and before I could inquire as to the reason she pointed a stiff finger to the nearest chair and told me to, “sit.”

I slumped down in the chair like a petulant child and sat on my hands, narrowed eyes watching her as she paced back and forth in front of me. I have never been fond of authority and I had zero tolerance for this woman and her ridiculous rules. “What did we do wrong now?” My words hung in the air and for a long moment were met with nothing but silence and the muffled click of her shoes against thin carpet.  Each second that ticked by was like silent agony and I wished that she would simply get on with it and be done. Albus only had a few hours before he had to leave for the gig and I intended on being there.

Suddenly she stopped pacing and turned to face me, a harshly penciled eyebrow arched nearly up to her hairline. “I have just one question for you, Mr. Malfoy.” I blinked and inwardly winced at her favored name for me. Mr. Malfoy is my father, and I am not my father.

When I said nothing she continued, “Where do you see Albus in five years?” She was still staring at me and her calm evenness was unsettling.

“I imagine he’ll be a household name in five years.” My reply was near instantaneous, because it is how I’ve always felt. There has never been a doubt in my mind that Albus would be exceedingly famous.

She nodded slowly at me and a knowing grin was steadily curling her mouth upwards, making her look very much like a sadistic Cheshire cat. “I don’t believe you.” She replied in a tone so low that it was nearly a whisper, and although I frowned in confusion I had already begun to understand where she was going.

 Against my better judgment I opened my mouth and asked, “And why’s that?” even though I knew I would regret it.

“If you truly want him to be a big star you would follow the few simple requests that we ask of you.”

“I never said I wanted him to be a big star, I said that is where I saw him. What I want is for Albus to be happy, and if that involves becoming a massive rock star, then I support it.”

She quirked a brow at me when I spoke, as if she found great humor in my words.

“Mr. Malfoy, haven’t you realized that Albus can’t be happy with you here? Instead of focusing on his career and his music he is much too worried about pleasing you and making sure that you are all right. You’re a distraction, and frankly, I am afraid you are going to cost him everything.”

Her words hurt more than I would ever admit and I blinked rapidly and bit back an impulsive string of expletives that wouldn’t serve any purpose except making me feel better and further prove her point.  I averted my gaze as I turned her words over in my head, refusing to find truth in them.

I wasn’t distracting…Was I?

In mere moments I began second-guessing myself, just as this woman has hoped I would. She stood there watching me and waiting for the perfect moment to strike again. 

“Perhaps it would be for the best if you return to London. Aren’t you tired of being away from home? Don’t you have any dreams of your own you’d like to pursue?”

Of course I knew that her inquires were self-serving. She had loathed me from the moment we met and had been waiting for an opportunity to present itself to be rid of me. But what if she was right? From the moment I had left England I had been so wholly focused on Albus that I hadn’t even bothered to stop and think about me, and when it came down to it, I really didn’t have any clue where I saw myself in five years.  Would I always be just another member of the entourage? Destined to follow Albus around the world and stand in the background? I would never begrudge Albus his chance at success and fame, but would I be happy with nothing else but the knowledge that he was happy?

I chewed absently on my bottom lip as I sat there, refusing to meet this woman’s gaze. She was not so gently pushing for my absence and although I didn’t like the idea of her being right; I couldn’t exactly deny that she had a point.

“He wouldn’t want me to leave.” I muttered a bit miserably, head bowed like I was a small child all over again.

“Of course he wouldn’t, and herein lies the problem. Do you love him enough to make a sacrifice that he never could?” She took a step closer to my chair and peered down at me with a gentler expression that I did not see. She knew she was winning and if she got her way she would see me on my way back to London before the day was done.

I lifted my head to meet her gaze, a deep frown etching my features and giving them the appearance of being much more sharp than they normally were. Of course I wanted to tell her she was crazy, but I was so tired of traveling and hiding and sweating that I just sighed instead. The thought of leaving Albus and returning to London alone made my stomach turn and when I opened my mouth to protest she held up a hand to silence me before I could finish. 

“Why can’t we just—“

“Mr. Malfoy, I’ve been nothing but honest with you, now it’s your turn to be honest with yourself.”

She smiled at me then, a mildly condescending expression that set my nerves on edge. When she patted my shoulder I wanted to shy away from her but I remained rigid instead.  “I know you’ll do the right thing.” She added sweetly, and then she was gone. Out the door and undoubtedly back to Albus to break the news to him.

For a long time I remained exactly where I was, my fingers were numb from lack of blood flow and I hardly noticed. My mind was racing with confused thoughts and uncertain half-decisions that I couldn’t bear to make. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Despite my lack of enthusiasm lately, it was never ever supposed to end like this. 

The longer I sat there the more agitated I became and by the time I was up and out the door of my hotel room I was fuming.  I marched down the hall to Albus’ room and didn’t even bother knocking. I slept in his bed every single night, usually sans clothing; I didn’t exactlyneed to extend the courtesy of knocking.

Both of them glanced up as I burst into the room, Albus looking a solid mixture of confused and relieved and his manager looking perturbed.

“What’s going on, Scor?” Albus was frowning and it only served in making me angrier. I didn’t take shit from anyone, least of all pretentious muggles who thought they knew what was best for me. This woman had no idea who she was dealing with, but she was going to find out very soon.

Perhaps I’m a bit more like my father than I like to admit.

“She said I should leave.” I nudged my chin in her direction and she sneered at me and shook her head. “Surely we have misunderstood one another, Mr. Malfoy.” She was smiling sweetly at me and shaking her head at Albus as if to insinuate that I was overreacting and it was just about my breaking point.

“You said he couldn’t be happy with me here, not much to misunderstand there.”

Her eyes narrowed just a fraction after that, and although I was smirking smugly, my expression faltered when I glanced at Albus, who was still looking rather perplexed.

“Why would she tell you to leave? You don’t want to leave do you? Are you unhappy here with me?” Albus was doing that thing again, the one where his honest questions hurt him to voice and killed me to hear. 

“I wasn’t unhappy, until today. She needs to go Albus, if you think she has your best interests at heart, you are mistaken.”

Albus glanced between the both of us, still frowning. He shook his head and closed his eyes and it was clear that he was overwhelmed.

“I need her Scor, and I’m sorry that there was a misunderstanding between you, I am. But I need you too, and I need you to be on board here.”

I started blankly at Albus for a long moment because I couldn’t actually believe what he had just said. Of course I knew that he thought he needed this woman, but what about what she was trying to do to us? I had assumed that he would have my back on this matter, but perhaps I had been too quick to jump to that particular conclusion.

“You need me to be on board?” I blinked several times before continuing, still in shock.  “What do you think I’ve been doing here with you for the last year, exactly? I’ve supported you every step of the way Al, even when it hurt me to do it. But I will not support this. It has to stop. Now. Make it stop.”

I was gesturing between his manager and him, trying to make him understand me. It maddened me that he could even entertain the idea of keeping this woman on; much less that he was taking her side.

When he spoke his words were like cut glass against my skin and I winced despite myself. “I wish you could see things from my perspective.”  He was looking at me like I was a stranger, and it hurt worse than anything I’ve endured in my entire life up until this point.

“I wish your perspective wasn’t fucked.”

It was the last thing I said to Albus before I walked out of his hotel room and out of his life. They were the heaviest steps I ever took and my muscles still ache from my lack of exit strategy.

Never before had I felt rage like I felt it at that moment. I blindly punched a papered wall on my way down the hall towards the lift and the pain that shot through my split knuckles was like a new friend that I was about to become extremely familiar with.

                                                ~@~

It was easy to let the anger take the wheel after that. I had no real reason to behave myself anymore, and who knows self-destruction better than a Malfoy? I didn’t go home, there was no way in hell I would give my father the satisfaction of returning to London alone and broken. For all I knew my family was still under the assumption that I was touring with Al’s band, and I went with it. I disappeared into the hell-city known as Los Angeles and I never looked back.

When Albus’ band left California for their next destination I was left behind and to my own devices. It didn’t take me long to slip into city life; it was easier when I had an endless supply of muggle cash always in my wallet. Of course my father would eventually begin to question the heavy with drawls from the Malfoy vault, but I didn’t care. Not even a little bit.

The first night I was on my own was an interesting one. I wandered aimlessly with my hands in my pockets, ignoring the garish neon signs of the storefronts I passed by. It seemed that things like pizza and bail bonds were never in short supply and by the time I realized I was being followed it was too late.  There was three of them and one of me and they made the mistake of thinking I was an easy target. They wanted my money and I wanted a fight. I had never been in a real altercation in my entire life, but that didn’t stop me from jumping in headfirst. I quickly learned that physical confrontation was an excellent way to expel excess anger and went out of my way to engage it.

The black eye I sported for a solid week was the first of many wounds I would carry around with me; visible or otherwise. They served as a harsh reminder of what I’d left behind and only fueled the burning fire inside that was driving me to my own self-destruction.  Days passed without me really knowing it and I had lost all sense of time and space. When I wasn’t provoking the locals I was slumming it with street kids and club hoppers who were more than willing to buy me drinks when I was supplying the funds. I felt as ugly as the city that had swallowed me up and I didn’t even pause long enough to care.

                                                               ~@~

By the time Albus found me I had abandoned Los Angeles in favor of one of the beach cities that California had to offer. I was stretched out on a blanket on the sand, hiding behind a large pair of Ray Bans. It had been a long and lonely string of weeks and I had honestly lost count. My anger had eventually faded away like the rolling tide lain out before me and I was really just tired and unwilling to admit defeat.

“How’d you find me?” I muttered without opening my eyes, a faint smile twitching the corners of my mouth.

“GPS locator on your mobile.” He sounded as weary as I felt and I instantly felt guilty for the way things had transpired between us.

“Finally found some use for the thing.” I really did smile then, and although I was leery of what he might say, I knew that if he was here that we would be okay.

“Scor, I just want to say—“

 “You don’t have to say anything.” I interjected before he could finish, quickly reaching for him and tugging him down over me.

His weight was such a welcome relief that I ignored the protest of a cracked rib in favor of wrapping my arms around him. He was rigid in my arms for only a moment before he melted against me and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling again because I finally felt like I was somewhere I belonged.

“She’s gone, please come back. Mum hired a new one, muggle born this time.”  His words were muffled against my throat and the sensation set goose bumps all up and down my arms and the back of my head.

When he lifted his head to peer down at me my smile faltered just a little bit and I quietly ached for the time that we had missed together because we are both too stubborn and too stupid for our own collective good. “I’m sorry,” He murmured as he gently removed my sunglasses, and when he caught sight of the fading yellowing bruise beneath my left eye he gasped slightly.

I reached up and smoothed away the fringe obscuring his gaze, a soft smile tugging the corners of my mouth. “You don’t ever have to be sorry for living your dream.”  His expression splintered my heart and I knew right then that I would have nothing at all if I didn’t have him.

“What about your dreams?”

“My dreams are just sleep if you’re not in them.”

When he kissed me it was like the first time all over again. His soft mouth and tender touch had the power to soothe every single one of my aches and just like that, it was like no time had passed between us at all. 

There were so many things that still needed to be said and so many experiences that needed to be shared, but right here in this moment, I couldn’t think of a single one that didn’t involve kissing this impossible boy that I loved enough to destroy myself over. But love is like that, isn’t it? Its messy and painful and beautiful and fulfilling and everything in between.

I have taken so many things for granted. I know that now. 

Our lips part and he lingers right there and laughs breathlessly, which is just enough to pull a wince from me, which he notices immediately.  “What’s the matter?” He asks, suddenly on alert, and when I assure him that it’s just a light fracture, nothing serious, he narrows his eyes at me and makes me promise to never do it again because he cannot bear the thought of someone hurting me, physical or otherwise.

It’s much later, in a hotel room in Malibu that I reacquaint myself with his body. I take my time with him, feasting on him like he’s the finest delicacy and I’m positively starved.  His rapture is like music to my ears and it is later still when he intertwines his fingers with mine and brings them to his lips. “What. Is that?” he asks rather suddenly and I don’t even look, I just emit an amused laugh because I know exactly to what he is referring.

“Tattoo. Uncle Theo is going to kill me.” I don’t sound in the least bit remorseful, which pulls an amused grin out of him.

“Don’t ever leave me again.” He says a bit quieter and when I fold him up and rest my head against the top of his, I know that there is nowhere else in the entire world that I’d rather be than right here. Right now.