Chapter Text
{Email}
From: Hermione Granger
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Holiday Gift Swap closes tonight!
Final reminder to sign up for the Holiday Gift Swap! The sign-up closes at midnight, so if you want to participate, make sure to sign up today. We’ll swap gifts on 22 December at the holiday party. Fred/George sent the invite out yesterday with their address.
Ronald, this is not optional for you!
HG
{TXT} Blaise/Draco
Blaise: Did you sign up for the gift swap thing?
You: Of course not. I wouldn’t be caught dead at a Gryffindor party.
Blaise: Do NOT leave me alone with the lions.
You: You’re the idiot who decided to date one. Don’t drag me into this.
Blaise: You know I don’t have a choice! Neville would kill me if I didn’t show up.
You: And that’s my problem, how?
Blaise: We’re Slytherins. Slytherins stick together.
You: We haven’t been in school for 2 years. Doesn’t matter.
Blaise: Where’s your sense of house loyalty?
You: Where’s your sense of house pride? You’re dating NEVILLE for Merlin’s sake!
Blaise: …
Blaise: you’re such a dick sometimes
You: You know I didn’t mean it that way
Blaise Zabini changed the group name to Draco is an arse
You changed the group name to Draco is an arse, but Blaise is dating a Gryffindor
Blaise Zabini changed the group name to Draco is going to get his arse kicked
You changed the group name to At least Draco doesn’t have to wear a red and gold tie
Blaise Zabini changed the group name to Draco just wishes he had a hot boyfriend of his own
You changed the group name to Neville, hot??
Blaise Zabini changed the group name to Don’t even try to lie. I know about that dream you had 7th year
You changed the group name to Blaise is an excellent friend
You: Let’s never mention that again. I’ll agree that Neville is a very nice looking man. But since you’re dating him already, that doesn’t leave me any incentive to go.
Blaise: You really won’t go?
You: Absolutely not.
Blaise: Fine.
Blaise: Remember that debt you owe me from when I helped you avoid Smith?
You: You’re going to call in the debt on THIS?
Blaise: Yep.
You: You’re kidding me.
Blaise: Nope.
You: Fine. I’ll go. But I’m not doing the stupid gift thing. The only reason I need an ugly Weasley sweater is for kindling on Christmas Day.
Blaise: Not. Optional.
You: Yes it is! I just read Granger’s email. It didn’t say we had to join.
Blaise: I checked the list. Everyone has signed up but you. You’ll be the only one not getting a gift if you don’t sign up.
You: And?
Blaise: It will look like no one wanted to give you a gift
You: Bloody
You: fucking
You: hell
You: FINE.
Blaise: 😀 See you on the 22nd!
You: 🖕
{Email}
From: Draco Malfoy
To: Hermione Granger
Subject: Re: Holiday Gift Swap closes tonight!
Granger,
Please sign me up for the gift exchange.
Sincerely,
Draco Lucius Malfoy
{Email}
From: Hermione Granger
To: Draco Malfoy
Subject: Re: Re: Holiday Gift Swap closes tonight!
Draco,
You drew Harry. Good luck!
HG
Chapter Text
{TXT} Blaise is an excellent friend (Blaise/Draco)
You: I’m going to murder you.
Blaise: ???
You: I drew The Golden Boy
Blaise: LMAO
You: It’s not funny!
Blaise: You’re so screwed 😂😂😂😂
You blocked Blaise Zabini.
{TXT} Theo/Draco
You: Theo. I need your help.
Theo: What’s up?
You: You’re going to the Gryffindor holiday party, right?
Theo: Yeah
You: Who did you draw for the gift swap??
Theo: I didn’t enter it.
You: What???
Theo: ?
You: Blaise said everyone signed up!
Theo: Well I didn’t
You: Shit.
Theo: Did you?
You: Yes
Theo: Who did you get?
You: …
You: Harry
You: Bloody
You: Potter
Theo: You’re joking.
You: Unfortunately the universe has aligned to royally screw me over this year.
Theo: Switch with someone
You: That’s why I was texting you!
Theo: Well I’m certainly not going to take it.
You: It wouldn’t work anyway.
Theo: Maybe Blaise will take him?
You: I am NOT asking him.
Theo: Pansy?
You: She’s going?
Theo: pretty sure
You: Thanks, I’ll ask.
Theo: 👍
{TXT} Pansy/Draco
You: Are you going to the Gryffindor holiday party?
Pansy: Unfortunately. Luna did that thing where she pretended I was joking when I said I would rather kiss a thestral than hang out with the Weasley’s for a night.
You: Are you in the gift exchange?
Pansy: Yes
You: Who did you draw?
Pansy: Ugh, Granger
You: Perfect, can we switch?
Pansy: Who did you draw?
You: Potter
Pansy: LOL, no. I’d rather have Granger.
You: Why?
Pansy: I can literally walk into Flourish and buy the first book I see and she’ll be ecstatic.
You: You could do that with Potter too! Just buy him some glasses or something.
Pansy: Not after what happened last year LOL
Pansy: good luck LMAO
You: I hate you
{TXT} Blaise is an excellent friend (Blaise/Draco)
You unblocked Blaise Zabini.
You: I need help brainstorming gifts for the Boy Who Lived to Torment Me
Blaise: Do you have any ideas yet?
You: Hair gel?
Blaise: LMAO no, he’d be so offended
You: And???
Blaise: Pretty sure that’s not what you’re going for :D
You: Shut up
Blaise: Is that supposed to be a secret?
You: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Blaise: Sure you don’t
You: So not the hair gel?
Blaise: No
You: What about one of my family’s peacocks?
Blaise: WTF is he going to do with a peacock?
You: Keep it as a pet at his manor!
Blaise: He lives in a flat!
You: Oh right
Blaise: Besides, a peacock doesn’t exactly say “I’m handsome AF, wanna shag?”
You: Peacocks are REGAL and a sign of the Malfoy name and superior bloodlines!
You: And I don’t want to shag him
Blaise: Right of course. My mistake.
Blaise: See, I thought the reason you bring him up in every conversation, track his every move when you’re in the same room and drool when he gets near was pointing to your desperation for him, but I was simply mistaking hate for a crush.
You: I do not DROOL!
Blaise: whatever you say
You: … is it that obvious?
Blaise: not to him
You: fuck
Chapter Text
{TXT} Blaise/Nev/Pansy/Theo/Granger/Female Weasley/Ronikins/Draco
Blaise Zabini changed the group name to Draco Needs to Get Laid Brigade
Blaise: Draco needs help buying a present for Potter so they can finally get together
You: !!!
You: WTF Blaise
Blaise: they already know
Female Weasley: did he draw him for the exchange?!!
Blaise: yes
Female Weasley: omg it’s perfect
Nev: F I N A L L Y
Theo: LMAO
Granger: honestly, I can’t believe you still haven’t told him
You: HOW DID YOU KNOW??
You: I mean, told him what?
Ronikins: Ugh, this is so gross
Ronikins: but seriously, prat, it’s obvious
You: fuck all of you
Blaise: we’re just trying to help
Nev: yeah, Draco. Don’t worry. We’ll help you
Pansy: LMAO. I just want to watch you crash and burn
Blaise: Pans, shut up
Pansy: what? You know it’s going to be a spectacular dumpster fire
Blaise: not with our help
Granger: it will be fine, Draco
Theo: Pans, shut up. You’ve been scheming to get them together for months
Theo: stop pretending you’re a bitch
You: Excuse me, Pans has been doing *what*?
Pansy: Darling, I was getting tired of the staring
You: fuck off
You changed the group name to Draco Needs New Friends
Ronikins: well don’t ask me to be one of them
Granger: Ronald, can you not be civil for 4 seconds
Theo Nott changed the group name to Draco + Harry 4Ever
You left the group
{TXT} Granger/Draco
Granger: Draco, I promise we’ll help you
Granger: I can’t promise Harry will respond the way you want him to, but it’s not a hopeless cause
Granger: In fact, I might even say there’s a good chance this will go well
You: Did you purposefully give me his name?
Granger: No! I would never
Granger: I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. You can switch with me if it really bothers you. But I hope you don’t.
You: Why?
Granger: This is an easy opportunity to try and make something happen. You may not have an easy chance like this again.
You: Fine.
{TXT} Draco + Harry 4Ever (Blaise/Nev/Pansy/Theo/Granger/Female Weasley/Ronikins/Draco)
Blaise Zabini added Draco Malfoy to Draco + Harry 4Ever
Blaise Zabini changed the group name to Help Draco Get Laid Brigade
You: Ok. Let’s do this. But stop with the jokes please.
Ronikins: can’t promise anything
Female Weasley: no problem Draco
Female Weasley: grow up Ron
Granger: What ideas have you had so far?
Blaise: *eye roll*
You: Apparently not good ones
Nev: What about a nice plant?
Nev: A Wiggentree would be useful
Blaise: Nev, honey, I love you, but not everyone loves plants like you do
You: maybe not a plant…
Pansy: Perhaps a venomous tentacula?
Theo: Or a Bubotur lol
Granger: *Bubotuber
Ronikins: Seriously, no plants
Ronikins: He’ll kill it
Granger: that’s not entirely true, but maybe not the right feel we’re going for here
Nev: But Wiggentrees help protect from dark magic!
Theo: May as well give him a card that says “Stay away from Draco!”
Nev: alright, fine. It was just an idea
Blaise: It was a good idea, love. Just not for this situation I think.
Female Weasley: Yeah Nev, but feel free to get me a plant if you drew me! I like the pretty, but dangerous ones
Ronikins: why not just some quidditch gear?
You: strikes me as impersonal?
Granger: Agreed. Functional items, but not a good lead in for “Would you like to go on a coffee date with me?”
You: why is this so hard??
Theo: That’s what Potter will say :D
You: shut UP, Theo!
Pansy: ROFLMFAO
Pansy: Just get him some lube
Blaise Zabini removed Pansy Parkinson from the group
Blaise: she was being unhelpful
Ronikins: Merlin this is awkward. Please don’t make any more sex jokes about my best mate
Theo: why? Are you jealous?
Blaise Zabini removed Theo Nott from the group
Blaise: Helpful
Blaise: Suggestions
Blaise: Only
Female Weasley: I honestly don’t know what you should get him. Have you two had any good conversations lately?
Ronikins: Mostly they just glare at each other when they think no one is looking
You: Not particularly…
You: Well
You: We did kinda have this one…
Granger: and?
Female Weasley: ????
Blaise: Do tell
You: I’m not sure how it would help
Granger: Maybe it can give us an idea of what you could give him. Any detail could be the one we need.
You: You would say that
You: We just talked about our mutual upbringings.
Blaise: What, like you talked about growing up a pure blood and he talked about his relatives?
You: Sort of. He was a little cagey about it now that I think about it. Mostly he talked about things after Hogwarts.
Ronikins: I wouldn’t go there
Granger: I don’t recommend that conversation as a starting point.
Female Weasley: Don’t use that one. Merlin no. Any other conversations you had?
You: Why not?
Ronikins: trust me on this
Granger: just don’t
You: fine.
You: everything else has been pretty surface level. Quidditch games, work anecdotes, etc.
Nev: why don’t you just ask him?
Blaise: Let’s take a break for now…
Blaise: Do some thinking and if anyone has a bright idea, send it here.
Female Weasley: 👍
Granger: 👍
Ronikins: 👍
Nev: 👍
{TXT} Blaise is an excellent friend (Blaise/Draco)
You: I’m fucked aren’t I.
Blaise: We’ll figure it out mate. Party’s not for 10 days. You have time.
You: Kill me now.
Chapter Text
{Email}
From: Fred Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Holiday Shenanigans
5 Days left before the epic end-of-year party that will go down in Wizarding legend.
BYOB. Granger says don’t forget the gifts either.
Forge
{TXT} Help Draco Get Laid Brigade (Blaise/Nev/Granger/Female Weasley/Ronikins/Draco)
Blaise: Any luck mate?
You: No
Blaise: Anyone have any bright ideas?
Ronikins: What about some hair gel?
You: hair gel, Weasley? Really? What kind of suggestion is that?
Blaise: Don’t worry Weasley, Draco’s just mad cause he had the same suggestion last week.
You: traitor
{Email}
From: George Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Re: Holiday Shenanigans
4 DAYS!
Gred
{TXT} Female Weasley/Draco
You: Merlin I still don’t know what to get for Potter
Female Weasley: I’m sorry, I really don’t know.
You: What do you usually get for him?
Female Weasley: I got him a singing valentine once… I wouldn’t recommend that one
You: what about when you dated him?
Female Weasley: I never dated him during the holidays or his birthday
You: Fuck
Female Weasley: Sorry :(
{TXT} Loony/Draco
You: Say you had a crush on someone. What would you give them?
Loony: ooooo
Loony: Probably a ward against nargles
You: nevermind.
{Email}
From: Fred Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Re: Re: Holiday Shenanigans
3 Days!
Forge
{TXT} Narcissa Malfoy (Mother)/Draco
You: What gift would you get for someone you wanted to court?
Narcissa: Have you finally decided to pursue Harry Potter?
You: Mother!
Narcissa: Honestly, Draco dear, it was getting embarrassing. Malfoys do not PINE.
You: I’m mortified.
Narcissa: Nonsense. Now then. Tradition states you must declare your intentions before you begin courting, so I recommend a well-crafted letter, befitting a man of your class.
You: That’s not really an option. What sort of gifts would you give once you were courting?
Narcissa: Usually flowers, jewelry, handkerchiefs, gloves, perhaps a dress if you planned on escorting them to a ball
You: Mother
You: Harry is a man
Narcissa: Yes, well, courting rituals are a bit outdated.
You: Nevermind. I’ll try something else.
Narcissa: Let me know if I can help.
{Email}
From: George Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Holiday Shenanigans
2 DAYS! Anyone without a gift gets to try out our new joke products!
Gred
{Email}
From: Fred Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Holiday Shenanigans
Don’t worry, none of them are expected to have lasting side effects :D
Forge
{TXT} Potter/Draco
You: Well Potter, I find myself in the terrible position of having signed up for the gift exchange, and I’ve been assigned a Gryffindor. As you are one of those brave idiots, surely you have some ideas.
Potter: Of course you’d wait until the last minute.
Potter: What are their interests?
You: Quidditch
Potter: That’s it?
You: Mostly
Potter: Ron then?
You: I’m not supposed to say
Potter: Ron’s the only one I can think of that is mostly made up of Quidditch thoughts.
You: I can neither confirm nor deny…
Potter: Ok, well he also really likes Wizard’s Chess and could use a new set
You: Fine, it’s not Ron. Just, how would you go about picking a gift for a Gryffindor?
Potter: Idk… I’m not used to gifts so I appreciate everything, but I really like to give meaningful gifts, you know? I don’t want to give someone something that will just end up in the trash. So I guess start with what you know about them, and think through who they ARE rather than WHAT they want.
You: I’m not sure I can do that…
You: but thanks for the advice
Potter: No problem. If all else fails, I bet if you email Hermione, she can tell you who might know what to get the person you drew.
You: Good idea, I’ll try that.
{Email}
From: George Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Holiday Shenanigans
Party is tomorrow! See you all there.
Gred
{TXT} Help Draco Get Laid Brigade (Blaise/Nev/Granger/Female Weasley/Ronikins/Draco)
Granger: Did you get a present yet for Harry?
You: No
Chapter Text
{TXT} Potter/Draco
You: What did you mean yesterday when you said you weren’t used to getting gifts?
Potter: Er, I just didn’t get a lot of gifts growing up
You: How is that possible? What did you do for your birthday?
Potter: Just the usual
You: Like go to Fortescue’s?
Potter: Er… no. But I did do that a lot before 3rd year when I stayed at the Leaky Cauldron for a few weeks
You: I have so many questions…
You: So if not Fortescue’s, where did you get ice cream?
Potter: Actually I didn’t have ice cream before I got my Hogwarts letter
You: What?? Do muggles not have ice cream??
Potter: No they do. I just didn’t really get to have any
Potter: I mean, I wasn’t supposed to
You: lactose intolerant?
Potter: No no, just
Potter: Nevermind. Just drop it
You: Ok
You: So what about birthday and christmas presents? Did you go on trips instead?
Potter: I guess you could say we went on a trip one year for my birthday
You: oh ok, that makes more sense.
Potter: sure
Potter: anyway, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.
{TXT} Help Draco Get Laid Brigade (Blaise/Nev/Granger/Female Weasley/Ronikins/Draco)
Blaise: I’m here to save you. We’ve all talked and here are our ideas:
Blaise: A cashmere blanket, so you can cuddle under the blankets together
Blaise: A tailored pair of pants (Granger got the measurements for you)
Blaise: Tickets to the opera
Blaise: And then my favorite idea
Blaise: And the one I think you’re gonna go for…
You: Thanks, but I have it covered
Blaise: What??
Granger: Really?
Ronikins: Are you kidding me? We’ve spent hours today on this.
You: Yes, I took care of it this morning
Female Weasley: Well??
Blaise: Spill the beans
You: No. You’ll find out tonight anyway.
Blaise: It better not be something stupid
You: I’m fairly certain my tastes aren’t that bad, Blaise
Nev: I bet it was the Wiggentree
You: *eye roll*
Blaise Zabini changed the group name to Draco is gonna get Laid
{Email}
From: Fred Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Holiday Shenanigans
Today is the day. Lee’s bringing spiked eggnog. Pansy’s bringing whiskey. Padma’s bringing some puddings.
Contribute something or we’ll throw you out after the presents.
Forge & Gred
{TXT} Harry/Hermione/Ron
Harry: Thanks for helping me figure out Draco’s gift. I think he’s really going to like it!
Ron: No problem, mate.
Hermione: Of course, Harry! I’m sure he’ll love it.
Harry: Wish me luck!
Chapter Text
{TXT} Draco is gonna get Laid (Blaise/Nev/Granger/Female Weasley/Ronikins/Draco)
You: you ABSOLUTE TWATS
You: why didn’t you tell me he was gifting me, too!
Granger: It was a secret!
Female Weasley: honestly, Draco, you’re not hiding your smile very well
Nev: why are we texting when we’re in the same room?
You: shut up, Ginny
You changed the group name to You are all traitors
Blaise: LMAO, I can’t believe he got you the *same* damn jumper you’re wearing
You: I know :D
Nev: seriously, why are we texting??
Blaise: “Well I’ve seen you in it before, so I knew you’d like it”
Blaise: Honestly, I don’t know why you like him
Ronikins: Hey, that’s my mate you’re talking about
You: I think it’s perfect. He clearly knows my taste is better than his
Granger: We’ll see about that. You’re up next.
{TXT} Potter/Draco
Potter: Hey
You: Eloquent as usual
Potter: thank you so much. this means a lot to me.
You: Well, you said you didn’t have any when you were younger
You: I just thought…
Potter: No, it’s perfect
Potter: Seriously
You: It’s not very expensive…
Potter: I don’t care
Potter: thank you
You: maybe I could come over tomorrow and we could break it in?
Potter: I would love that.
{TXT} Harry/Hermione/Ron
Harry: We’re meeting up tomorrow!!
Hermione: See! I knew he’d like the jumper. Good idea!
Ron: Why am I not surprised
Hermione: Not sure why he decided to get you an ice cream scoop and ice cream, but you seem happy with it?
Harry: I love it
Ron: weird gift, but as long as you like it…
Ron: I guess it’s ok
Harry: I couldn’t have come up with a better gift even if he asked me
{TXT} Harry/Draco
You: Where did you go?????
Harry: to my flat
You: You LEFT? You coward!
You: You can’t just kiss me like that and LEAVE!
Harry: Well, I wanted to make sure you would come tomorrow. It’s taken you so long to get up the courage to ask, I figured I’d give you some incentive
You: YOU KNEW???
Harry: Of course :) You didn’t seem ready so I figured I’d wait
You: Are you kidding me? How long would you have waited?? Why didn’t you just ask ME?
Harry: Not too much longer I think. Good thing I know how to rig name drawings, or you might never have been ready
{Email}
From: George Weasley
To: Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, Pansy Parkinson, Ronald Weasley, Theo Nott, and 11 others…
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Holiday Shenanigans
URGENT: Anyone that ate the dragon-shaped holiday cookies with the green icing, floo (do NOT apparate) back here IMMEDIATELY. There were some unexpected side effects.