Archive of Our Own ^beta

Lord Voldemort,       

 

Hey bitch.  Remember me???  The kid you orphaned and sent to live with fucking abusive muggles??? It’s me again.  I cannot describe how fucking sick I am of you. First off, I didn’t know who the fuck you were till I was 11—I didn’t know shit about the magical world—and you turned out to be my merlin-damned teacher!!  The fuck’s wrong with you??? And don’t get me started about the shit you pulled my second year.  Keep!!  Better!!  Care!!  Of!!  Your!!  Belongings!!  So they don’t possess and try to kill people.  You made me kill a basilisk!  I don’t like killing snakes ! >:(

 

Anyway, I got off-topic.  Right!  Fourth year!  (You didn’t do anything memorable in my third year. Although technically you are responsible since you killed my parents which led to Sirius getting put in jail, but I'll move on.)  I got entered in that bloody tournament so you could fucking resurrect!  And you used the rat!!  He’s useless; you’re better off killing him.  Don’t get me started about the chronic fucking pain whenever you got the slightest bit angry.  What the fuck is up with that???  And that Moody guy was creepy as shit.  Always licking his lips and staring wayyyy too long.  Like, are all your followers weird as hell?? Also, as an aside, you used to be hot, and now you’re ugly, and that’s just mean.  If you’re dead set on making my life a living hell, at least give me some eye candy. 

 

Don’t even get me started on fucking fifth year. Do you get off on my chronic pain and constant visions??? It’s creepy as fuck and very violating. And that Umbitch.  Fucking hate her.  Pretty sure ‘Mione killed the toad.  And then that bitch Lestrange killed Sirius.  Wanted to Crucio her right there.  Couldn’t, but it’s the thought that counts.  

 

Then you had the audacity to fuck up my sixth year in its entirety! Fucking Malfoy and his bullshit.  Fucking Snape and his ‘lessons’ that tore my mind to bits—what a dickwad.  Fucking Dumbledore and his lessons that are just a whole goddamn invasion of privacy.  I did not need to know you were born under Amortentia, and your mom raped your dad.  The fuck???  Just say you’re a psychopath and be done with it! And the fucking ‘Battle.’  You’re such a pompous asshole.  Truly.  Fucking Horcruxes, too.  Ab-so-lu-te bullshit.  

 

To be perfectly honest, I don’t know why I’m ranting to you.  You aren’t even the person I hate most in the world.  That belongs to Umbridge— if she’s alive.  Maybe my Aunt and Uncle.  No, actually, now that I’m thinking about it, that honor goes to Snape.  What a fucking asshole.  Why is he even teaching???  He hates kids!!  He has no concept of boundaries, killed Dumbledore, and acts like he’s a fucking saint for helping me when he’s doing the bare-fucking-minimum.  Anyway, hope you enjoyed my letter even if this isn’t all I’m mad about in this stupid fucking world.  Don't bother fucking responding.  

 

-Harry Potter, Boy-Who-is-Absolutely-Sick-of-Absolutely-Everything

p. s.  Are you completely snake-like??  Like do you have a hemipenis and a cloaca and shit?  That’s pretty weird.  

 

Harry Potter, 

 

Could you imagine my surprise when I received this letter at no later than 3:07 am, from you no less?  And the contents!  Merlin, the contents.  You shan’t be afraid; I will address each concern individually.  Now, I definitely orphaned you, but I most certainly did not leave you with abusive muggles.  I wouldn’t wish that fate on any magical child— I have some empathy, after all.  That honor goes to Dumbledore, and I refuse to take credit for any of his actions.  You should have lived with a magical family, most likely your Godfather or Godmother.  There you would have been educated on all you need to know about being an heir to an Ancient and Noble House like House Potter, among other things.  

 

I do apologize for ruining your first year, but to be perfectly honest, I was far more worried about the Philosopher’s Stone than itty-bitty you.  And how little you were.  Why didn’t Madame Pomphrey give you nutrient supplements and potions to combat refeeding syndrome?  Could you explain a bit more about your second year, because I could have sworn that I left my diary with Axabras Malfoy in 1949?  And why don't you like killing snakes?  I dislike killing them due to me being a parselmouth, but I am unsure of your reasoning.  I am very disappointed you had to kill Aquitaine, but also very astonished.  You were what, twelve?  Color me impressed.  

 

I was getting very desperate in your fourth year, so I won’t apologize for my actions, but I apologize for the harm that came to you because of them.  And the rat does have his usefulness, but I could understand why you would dislike him.  Bartemius was an excellent, obedient follower, but Azkaban and Imperius tore his mind apart for the worse.  And he always had a penchant for younger boys.  I believe you will be happy to know that I have fixed my appearance and only use the snake appearance for battle.  Could you elaborate on your visions and whatnot? I have a few ideas, but I need more evidence to confirm them.  One of the Golden Trio murdering?   How very dark of you.  

 

I also won’t apologize for the actions of others.  I am quite angry at Dumbledore for those lessons.  Care to tell me exactly what you know?  Severus Snape has always been a bitter, foul person— one of my most loyal.  He was in love with your mother and had a rivalry with your father.  Fancies you a carbon copy of James Potter.  And I’m quite disappointed I just barely make the top 5.  Pity.  I enjoyed your letter, so I would not be opposed to further correspondence.  

 

Regards, 

Lord Voldemort

p. s.  Though I despise writing down such private information, I will indulge your curiosity.  I did, in fact, have such organs, but now that I am returned to my human form, I am back to human features.  

Lord Voldemort, 

 

Well, well, well, look who responded.  How’re you doing?  Torture anyone as of late?  How are your brainless sycophants?  And of course, I’m going to write late; my relatives hate magic.  Oh, Merlin, why did I tell you about them???  You did not need to know about them.  You have empathy?  I couldn’t tell.  Truly.  And what do you mean, Godmother? I only had a Godfather, Sirius, who Bellatrix killed.  Also, what in Merlin and Morgana’s name are you talking about regarding that whole heir business?  Why has no one told me??  Ancient and Noble???  Is that like the Black and Malfoy families??  Or that stupid fucking pureblood supremacist special 28 or some bullshit?? 

 

I’m pissing myself off.  Next topic!  I am little stop fucking talking about it.  And what are nutrient supplements??  The only times I’ve ever visited Pomphrey was when I needed serious medical attention (bludger incident, post-Quirrell, etcetera, etcetera).  What’s refeeding syndrome, too?  Is it where someone vomits after eating too much too quickly?  Not that I would know anything about that.  

 

I would love to explain, in excruciating detail, what happened in my second year.  First, some fucking house-elf named Dobby (don’t worry, I actually really like him, and he gets a happy ending) shows up at my house and tries to stop me from going to Hogwarts.  Apparently, something awful will happen, but I tell Dobby, “No fucking way I’m staying here,” and he tries to get me expelled.  Multiple times.  And tries to get me killed.  Multiple times.  Anyway, it turns out he was the Malfoy’s house-elf and was warning me about the diary that Malfoy Sr. put in Ginny Weasley’s cauldron after he got in a fistfight with Arthur Weasley.  

 

Yes, you read that right.  The pretentious, ‘I stick my cane up my own arse for good posture,’ Lucius Malfoy got into a muggle fist-fight.  

 

Anyways, then your diary began to possess Ginny and petrify people, etc., and then she threw the diary away in the abandoned girl's lavatory.  I found it because Hermione was making Polyjuice Potion in there, I took it, and then I chatted a bit with Tom.  Wonderful guy, truly.  Captivating and interesting and likes to possess people and then try to sacrifice them in the Chamber of Secrets.  He petrified a bunch of muggle-borns with the basilisk— sorry, Aquitaine— and Mrs. Norris, too.  Not gonna lie, I was very betrayed when I went down to the Chamber and asked him for help, and he revealed he was Lord Voldemort with a fucking anagram (you are the least cool person ever, like you’re such a nerd).  

 

After he did a swish, swish with the letters, he kept insulting everyone and me but also asking me to join him.  Now that I think about it, I get really a weird, ‘pulling on pigtails’ vibe—isn’t that the strangest thing.  I got off track. Where was I? Oh right!  Then he sicced the basilisk on me, and I had to kill her.  By the way, I don’t know how you didn’t know this, but I’m a Parselmouth too.  Thank you for the compliments, too.  I didn’t know you gave them out.  

 

Next topic!   First off, we’ve all killed at least once; get off your fucking high horse. Secondly, the rat has no uses, and you need better followers that aren’t fucking idiot pond scum.  Oh wow, so you’re hot again?  That’s good to know.  And sure!  I’ll tell you about my visions: I can see through you or Nagini’s eyes whenever you’re feeling especially ~emotional~ as in, you’re casting crucio after crucio.  Very fun, very lovely.  I also get chronic pain, like constantly in my scar, but you knew that.  And Snape can go suck off the squid in the Great Lake, that is NO FUCKING REASON TO BE A BITCH TO AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD!!!!! Anyways, great talking to you. I hope you’re miserable, don’t bother fucking responding.  

 

-Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Can’t-Believe-You-Tried-To-Kill-A-Baby-Over-A-Prophecy

 

p. s. You didn’t have to say, but I appreciate it? I guess? 

 

p. s. Thank you for the apologies.  

 

Harry Potter,

 

Of course, I responded, I pride myself in being well mannered.  I am doing well, thank you for asking.  And you?  I have not tortured anyone within the past four days, so no, not recently.  My Knights are doing quite well— as well as can be expected, that is.  And I am quite miffed to hear you consider them to be “brainless sycophants.”  I will have you know that before the war and Azkaban, they were quite intelligent and vicious.  It is also quite unfortunate that I lost my most loyal in the war.  I beg to differ, did you tell anyone of your relatives?  I cannot see anyone on your side standing for child abuse.  I recommend checking with the Goblins to see who your godparents are and for any other possible guardians.  

 

Do you truly not know you are the heir to both the Potter and Black titles?  I am sending you several books along with this letter that explains in simplistic terms this ‘heir business.’  It is not just stupid fucking pureblood supremacist special 28 bullshit,’ but that is a part of it.  I also recommend talking to the goblins as soon as possible so that you can receive your titleships and main vaults.  

 

Refeeding syndrome is a metabolic disturbance that occurs as a result of the improper reinstitution of nutrition in people who are starved, severely malnourished, or metabolically stressed because of severe illness.  Nutrient potions help with that, and at the beginning of your first year, like the other muggle-born children, you should have gotten a medical check-up as muggles can’t always heal and/or detect issues with magical children— magic interferes with most x-rays, CT-scans, and that sort of thing.  

 

You did provide excruciating detail, but I quite appreciated it and will address each issue.  The Malfoys are well known to mistreat their house-elves, much to my displeasure— in fact, I dislike slavery in all forms.  It is most detestable and quite out of place in modern society.  I am very concerned about how Dobby went about helping you, though.  It seems quite counterproductive and cruel.  

 

I am quite a in shock.  Did you say a fistfight?  I am at a loss for words.  When I punched Abraxas Malfoy at the beginning of my second year, he was quite stunned and did not know how to respond; I cannot imagine Lucius Malfoy willingly getting into a fistfight.  

 

And he gave the diary, my precious Horcrux, to an 11-year-old??  I am perplexed and quite livid.  We don’t have time to unpack all of the minute details (for instance, Polyjuice Potion at 12?  How impressive), but Lucius will be heavily punished for losing something so precious to me.  I will have you know that the anagram I Am Lord Voldemort took a lot of time, and it is quite clever because it is essentially French for flight (vol) from (de) death (mort).  It is not ‘nerdy’ or ‘uncool,’ rather it is a sign of high intelligence and cunningness.  I can’t say for sure if my Horcrux was actually flirting, but I do know he probably wanted you to join him, so he was most likely pulling your pigtails.  You’re a Parselmouth too? How intriguing.  You are so similar to me; it is incredibly astonishing.  

 

I don’t believe everyone has killed once, but, as the youth say, ‘whatever helps you sleep at night.’  My original followers were not ‘fucking idiot pond scum,’ but I will say the quality has degraded over the years.  Pettigrew has many uses, mainly being Cruciatus bait.  Again, I have some theories on why you are so connected to me, but I will have to research a little more.  Severus can most certainly do what you have stated so crudely. There truly is no excuse to bully children as a teacher.  I await your response and hope this letter found you in good health and spirits.  

 

Best Regards, 

Lord Voldemort 

 

p. s. You are most welcome.  

 

p. s. I will admit I had fractured my soul to the point of insanity, so when I heard you could be my equal and foresee my defeat, my lizard brain had quickly equated that to killing a baby.  I do so apologize for that, and I will not be attempting to kill any more babies.  

 

Lord Voldemort, 

 

Well mannered?  You?  I’m pretty sure murder isn’t very well mannered, so I beg to differ.  I’m doing alright.  Eating a little less, sleeping a little more, doing homework late at night, in the morning doing chores.  You know the vibes.  You had good followers?  Who?  Bellatrix? The Lestrange brothers?   And, of course, I didn’t tell specifics, but I believe a child asking begging to stay over for the summer speaks for itself.  And I didn’t know the Goblins controlled child welfare and all that.  That seems like a lot of power for a species people don’t even treat well.  And I did not know about heirships and all that, but the books you lent have been super useful as of late.  I finished the first one (Heirships and Lordships for the Muggleborn), and it was fascinating.  Wow, it really seems like the Goblins control a lot, so I’ll ask again, why do we treat them so poorly? 

 

I didn’t know magic interferes with medical instruments.  I wouldn’t know, though; I’ve never been to the doctor.  My magic always healed the worst of my injuries.  And I never got a medical checkup, now that I’m thinking about it, that’s really strange since I know Dean got one (he’s a muggle-born in my dorm).  

 

Wow, you and Hermione would get on really well.  She has something called SPEW (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare), and I actually think it’s useful, but Ron thinks it's bonkers, so I haven’t really been super interested.  I think you’d like her pamphlets.  Here, I think I have an extra. I do, so I attached it to the letter, let me know what you think and if you’d be interested in hearing more or giving feedback or something.  And Dobby did what Dobby thought was best.  He’s actually doing a lot better now.  

 

And yes.  Fistfight.  It was in the prophet and everything.  I think ‘Mione has it framed to show Ron and Malfoy Jr whenever she gets pissed off at them.  And Malfoy Jr. can’t fight either.  Hermione punched him a mid third year, and he went bonkers.  He’s a fucking whiny spoilt brat.  And you punched someone??? What a fucking mood.  I wish I punched Malfoy, but Hermione deserved to deck the ferret (I have to tell you the background of that nickname one day) since he called her the m-slur.  

 

Why yes, Lord Malfoy did.  Yes, he did.  You fucking nerd, it is not a ‘sign of high intelligence and cunningness.’ It's fucking nerdy, is what it is.  Anagrams have been and always will be nerdy, you little Ravenclaw (though I love Ravenclaws, they’re great).  And I bet it took a lot of time.  In fact, I spent some time creating a new anagram for you, and here are my favorites: Mr. Tom A Dildo Lover and Dr. Lit Vlad Romeo.  Do you like them?  I really like the first one, and it’s very fitting. Wow, thanks for the compliment, I guess.  And yeah, I thought everyone knew I was a parselmouth after the debacle in my second year when I stopped a snake in front of my whole year.  I was nearly in Slytherin, now that I think about it.  

 

And yeah, it does help me sleep at night — what about it?? And Cruciatus bait might be an alright reason to keep him around, so I won’t keep railing on you for keeping the rat.  And please let me know whatever you find.  It’s a little weird getting your thoughts and emotions.   Anyways I’m beyond bored, so I’m going to ask a bunch of random questions.  You can answer them or not: what’s your favorite food? Your favorite constellation? Your favorite color? The best type of tea, in your opinion? Most recent book you’ve read? Favorite and least favorite follower? Favorite song? Worst fear? Pen or quill? If you had to be in an alternate house, what would it be? 

 

I hope you’re miserable. 

 

-Harry James Potter, Boy-With-Such-A-Boring-Name-He-Could-Be-Anyone  

 

p. s. Thank you, I guess.  

Harry Potter, 

 

I beg to differ; murder is entirely well mannered — have you not read bodice rippers containing pirates, bandits, or any assortment of a suave, dangerous man who most partakes in murder.  I don’t believe you are doing alright, but if you say so, I shall move on.  Bellatrix is a wonderful follower, and she would be a good bedfellow if we weren’t both bent beyond imagination.  And what are these ‘vibes’ you are referring to?  Ah, asking to stay over for the summer never works.  Myself and several muggle-raised students all but got on our knees and begged to stay at Hogwarts during the London Blitz and WWII, but we were all refused.  If not even a world war allows you to stay at school, I highly doubt an abusive family will.  

 

You are absolutely right.  The Goblins have enormous power, and it is extremely, extremely foolish to cross them.  They control the banks, which means they control land and wills and that sort of business.  This means they control who children are meant to go in the off chance of an untimely death.  Goblins control much more than just that, but I don’t have enough time to fully explain how much sway they contain as a species, and it is appalling how poorly they are treated in regards to this power.  I am glad you are finding the books I sent useful — I know I did when I was younger. 

 

You have never been to the doctor or had a general welfare checkup? At all?  Ever?  Not even when you visited for more serious issues?  I find that quite astonishing and more than a little appalling.  

 

I am quite intrigued by this ‘SPEW’ organization created by your friend — Hermione, was it? I quite enjoyed the pamphlet, and if you could somehow, without disclosing my identity, put us in contact, I certainly wouldn’t mind joining.  And you base your decisions on what Ron thinks? I don’t believe that is a good measure of decision-making, and if you feel that pressure, I recommend talking to him and confirming whether or not that is the case. 

 

I must find a copy of that edition of the prophet and do as your friend Hermione has done; I do believe it might be more effective in keeping Lucius in line than the cruciatus curse.  Draco Malfoy is quite a spoilt brat and quite whiny, but all Malfoys are in their youth — and whether or not they grow out of that is a coin toss.  More and more, I find myself relating to Hermione, as I punched Abraxas Malfoy for utilizing the m-slur against me, fully knowing I was the Heir of Slytherin.  

 

I have … severely punished Lucius Malfoy for his oversight.  It is most definitely not nerdy and why you keep suggesting anagrams are nerdy is far beyond me.  That anagram took time and effort, and it was well worth it.  Lord Voldemort is a fearsome and inspiring name, not nerdy and Ravenclawish.  I am quite annoyed with the mockery you have made of my name, but I suppose I prefer Dr. Lit Vlad Romeo, as it shows my high intelligence.  And I am not a dildo lover.  I will have you know that I embarrassed Draco Malfoy when I asked him such because I did not know what a ‘dildo’ was.  You are fortunate I can no longer feel shame else; I would punish you quite severely.  

 

While 'everyone else’ knew, I have been kept in the dark — something I don’t appreciate.  But I did figure out what exactly you are.  And that is a Horcrux.  My soul was so fragmented when I went to kill you that when I killed your mother and father, my soul latched onto yours.  To truly defeat me, you will have to destroy all my Horcruxes which I have taken the liberty to move from their rather obvious places to less obvious ones.  That includes you.  

 

Onto more lighthearted subjects.  I don’t have a favorite food as I will eat everything.  My favorite constellation is either Delphine or Cassiopeia, as the story behind it is quite lovely.  If I ever had a daughter — which I won’t, do not worry — I would name her Cassiopeia or Delphine.  My favorite color is navy blue, and the best tea is Lady Grey, which is a lighter version of Earl Grey with lavender.  I recently finished a book titled Ravaged by the Duke. However,  I presume that isn’t what you would like to hear about, so I will tell you about the second most recent book I’ve read: Transfiguration’s Application to Limb and Organ Regeneration: A Study on Cohen’s Theory.  I am very aware of the title’s lengthiness; please do not remind me. 

 

My favorite follower is Bellatrix Lestrange.  She is instrumental and competent.  All others are below her.  Besides Bartemius Crouch Jr., but he is unfortunately departed.  I do not have a specific favorite song, but I enjoy Chopin, Saint-Saëns, and Liszt, among other romantic pianists.  My worst fear is Death, but you likely knew that. I much prefer fountain pens, they’re much more useful, but unfortunately, I have appearances to keep up.  While you might believe I would be in Ravenclaw, I would probably be in Gryffindor.  I possess a very Gryffindor ruthlessness, and I do not gain knowledge for knowledge’s sake: it has a use.  I -- believe it or not -- was very brash and loud in my youth.  What about you?  What would your answer to all these questions be? 

 

Best Regards, 

Lord Voldemort

Lord Voldemort, 

 

I am utterly befuddled.  You read bodice rippers and Harlequin novels?? Like the ones my Aunt Petunia reads?? And I looked through her collection of books, and I found the book you were talking about ( Ravaged by the Duke ), and oh Merlin, you read that?? It’s so bad.  The Duke is so possessive and unlikeable.  Sure it’s hot, but why doesn’t Catherine just leave him??  I will never understand.  Bellatrix is a vile, vile person who slaughtered my Godfather so excuse me if I’m not her biggest fan.  

 

Oh Mother Magic what a boomer.  A vibe is what it says on the tin: how something feels.  And what the fuck.  Why the fuck were you all sent back to a warzone?? We (my muggle school) learned about the London Blitz right before I left for Hogwarts, and I cannot imagine anyone sending children into that when it’s preventable.  It’s truly despicable, and I just have no words.  How did anyone think that was a good idea??   

 

I started on the second book ( Wizarding Traditional Holidays and Celebrations of Albion and Albania).  It was really interesting— why don’t we still celebrate them?  The more I stay in our world, the more I realized wixen are the dumbest fucking people.  Like Amortentia?  Bullshit.  The grading system? Wack.  The job opportunities? Small business owner, government employee, annoying rich person, or Dark Lord.  I didn’t know I had to go to the doctor.  How should I do that?  How do I get a job?? Like are their colleges/universities/trade schools?? Also, aren’t we technically in a war?  This is all a fucking mess. 

 

Hermione would love this irony, and I’ve disclosed her owl address that you can use to correspond with her and stuff.  Ron’s a great friend — really — he just has a lot of insecurities, and I feel like it’s easier to disregard some of my less important feelings and stuff to make him happy. 

 

Please do that would be so funny. It’s in August of 1992, if that helps. Did you go to school with a Malfoy? What was he like? I mean, we already know he’s a bigot, but besides that. 

 

Your anagram is totally nerdy and dorky. OMG, YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A DILDO WAS???  Prude. Are you like a virgin or something?? When were dildos invented?? Are you older than dildos????  Oh, Merlin Morgana and Mother Magic, are you pretentious. “I prefer Dr. Lit Vlad Romeo, as it shows my high intelligence.” Pretentious dickwad. Also. I would pay my whole Gringotts vault to see Malfoy’s face when you asked him what a dildo was.  And yes. Please punish me, daddy. Also, wtf my dude — you’ve already killed my parents and traumatized little 11 year old me — how much more could you punish me?? 

 

I will admit it took me a little while to process (as in a week, sorry for the late response), but you know what! It’s fine. This is fine. We’re good. We’re great. I can deal with this and the horrifying implication that we’re basically soulmates. Oh Merlin, I don’t want to die. We’re kind of at a stalemate. But also fuck you for doing this bullshit. You could have just become the Minister of Magic!! Like you didn’t need to become a blood supremacist dark lord. There was absolutely no need. At all. 

 

Looping back to the, as you put it, “lighthearted subjects,” here are my answers: 

 

I also will eat everything, though treacle tart has fond associations for me. My favorite constellation is Canis Major because of the star Sirius in it.  Cassiopeia is a lovely name, though Delphine reminds me a lot of dolphins. Not a bad association per se, but a little strange. Navy blue is a boring color. My favorite color is neon pink. No, I'm not kidding. It just makes me happy!!  I know what Lady Grey is, I’m not uncultured, and I prefer masala chai and other teas like those that Parvati showed me. They’re really nice and make me feel a little connected to my dad and the Potters.  I’ve learned a lot from Parvati, and I wish we were closer.  I’m going to skip the reading question since I already addressed it and also the whole follower thing. It makes me feel icky. I don’t know why I asked. 

 

Why are you so pretentious? I'm not gonna lie, I like Danse Macabre and Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff as much as the next gal, but that’s not my favorite by any stretch of the word. I really like the Fugees and the Spice Girls (listening to them makes Aunt Petunia really mad, too, so that’s a plus). Fountain pens and biros are so much better than a fucking giant ass feather.  Huh.  You as a Gryffindor would be really interesting.  And though the Sorting Hat wanted to put me in Slytherin, I would really like to be in Hufflepuff.  They’re right next to the kitchens, and they’re (for the most part) super fun and nice.  They’re so accepting too.  

 

Now some questions: 

 

What did you want to be before you found out you were a wizard? Have you ever been to other wixen communities?  Why is the wixen community so small?  Are there other wixen schools?  Why don’t I know anything about anything literally?? Also, what are core measurements, and why did no one tell me what an 89.7 J core means??  I love how I’m so ignorant I’m asking you for help. But it’s not like I have free time at school or access to a library at the Dursley house.  Why the fuck did you curse the DADA position?? I've literally learned nothing. And Binns is the actual worst teacher; how are we supposed to learn?? Who were you friends with at Hogwarts? Why did you spend so long in retail? To be honest, I see why you want to kill everyone.  I’ve seen Aunt Petunia yell at hapless, underpaid teenagers in department malls for as little as taking too long while checking her out, so I truly sympathize with you.  

 

And some more fun ones: 

 

What’s your favorite candy (muggle or wixen)?  Favorite drink? Have you watched any muggle movies, and if so, what’s your favorite one?  What’s your favorite place you’ve travelled to? Favorite animal? What’s the best weather, in your opinion?  There is a right answer, by the way, so just be wary of that.  What do you smell in Amortentia?  What’s your Patronus?  What’s your favorite flower? Favorite season?  Do you wear perfume (or whatever the hell the male equivalent is)?  Favorite place in Hogwarts?  

 

Anyways, I hope you're miserable.  

 

-Harry James Potter, Boy-Who-Is-Sick-And-Tired-Of-Everything

Harry Potter, 

 

I do, in fact, read bodice rippers and Harlequin novels, possibly like the ones your Aunt Petunia reads.  Ravaged by the Duke is a horrible horrible book, but it is so intriguing.  Especially since the male leads are quite like me (tall, dark, handsome, and powerful).  Catherine doesn’t leave the Duke for the exact reasoning you provided: he’s hot.  

 

May I ask what a boomer is?  I don’t want to scar young Malfoy, yet again, since I already asked what “Punish me Daddy meant,” and he looked quite horrified.  

 

We don’t celebrate most Wixen holidays in Albion and Albania due to Christianity.  I could go into the whole specifics, but we observe Halloween in lieu of Samhain (though that is more muggle-born influence), Christmas instead of traditional Yule celebrations, and Easter rather than an Eostre festival.  Wixens are quite idiotic, and that is the main reasoning I became a Dark Lord: changing the asinine laws, practices, and cultural ideals.  The best way to make an appointment with a doctor would be to floo-call or owl St. Mungo’s requesting three times/dates.  

 

We are technically at war until a cease-fire is called, which at this point seems unlikely for a long time.  It isn’t a war in the traditional muggle sense, rather a political war with sporadic battles and raids, more fear-mongering and symbolism than conquering land and whatnot.  That’s why Hogwarts was attacked.  Not because of any needed ground, but because it was a symbolic victory.  There are, actually, other options for jobs, but with the absurd events surrounding your time at Hogwarts, it makes sense you wouldn’t know of them.  There are hundreds of thousands of different jobs I could tell you about (and the process involved in getting them), so send back a list of a few strengths and likes of yours, and we can work from there.  

 

I have sent a letter to Hermione’s owl post — Ms. Granger, was it? I’m most excited to hear back from her.  I cannot and will not give friend advice.  My only friend was Hydrangea Lestrange (the Lestrange brother’s mother), and I was well acquainted with Orion Black, but otherwise, I had no friends, so I can’t give actual advice. 

 

I found the newspaper and lauded it over Malfoy Sr. in the most recent meeting — it was most amusing.  Abraxas Malfoy was about as refined as a 11-18-year-old could get, which is to say not much.  He was much like a peacock; all show no substance.  He was third in our year, after me, and a Hufflepuff Erica Bones.  This was mostly because he had prior training, could practice magic at home and had resources and tutors aplenty.  It always ground on his gears that I, a no-name mudblood, and Erica, a stupid Hufflepuff, were ranked higher than him.  He eventually grew to respect me when my heritage was revealed and was one of my best followers.  Abraxas was the one who designed the Dark Mark, actually.  He had quite the eye for art, but that was really his only talent, besides Dark Arts.  

 

I did not know what a dildo was, clearly, but that’s because I’ve never had any interest in sex.  Romance, perhaps, but sex is quite repulsive to me.  Yes, I am a virgin — what about it? And we can continue to argue about how my anagram isn’t, actually, nerdy and dorky, but I grow tired of this debate.  

 

I am not a blood supremacist; I merely take their money and make them grovel at a half-blood’s feet for my, as you would likely call it, ‘sadistic pleasure.’  But I have no excuses, and so I won’t say any more or offer any useless apologies or platitudes.  

 

I found reading all of your answers quite interesting, but I’ll only respond to the questions you asked.  

 

I wanted to be an engineer.  Not only was it a stable career option, but I was always quick at maths and good at drawing.  I have traveled the world, and to condense all my experiences into a singular letter would be unfair, so I’ll just give a very brief run-down of three: Chicago, Stockholm, and Paris.  Parisian wixen go to Beauxbaton, which you knew, and their main area is Place Cachée.  If you ever travel, go to Paris.  Their fashion and pastries are without parallel, even if their food is quite mediocre, and I much prefer foods found in, say Jerusalem, Mumbai, Buenos Aires, etc.  Chicago wixen and other Midwestern wixen don’t, actually go to Ilvermorny (there are too many people) and tend to go to small, local schools based on their heritage (in America there is an incredibly diverse range of all types of European magics, West African magics, Indigenous magics, etc.).  America is incredibly segregated and everyone lives in their isolated communities which is due to legal segregation, colonialism, and slavery.  The biggest community in Chicago is Horizon Alley. 

 

Stockholm wixen go to Durmstrang, and their biggest community is Avskild Stad.  They follow the wheel of the year, which includes all the holidays in the book I sent you.  They are much tolerant if not accepting Dark Magic, and if you ever travel there, go on Samhain.  It is a truly magical experience and one that everyone should be exposed to.  In answer to your other questions, there are hundreds of magical schools all over the world, and Hogwarts isn’t even the only one in Britain.  The other schools are day schools, some are witch-only, and some are more focused on healing, alchemy, etc.  I have added a parent-guide to all the schools in our area that you might find useful.  

 

I shouldn’t be, but I am extremely surprised you don’t know what core strength is.  Basically, it is out of 100, and it’s on a bell curve, so most wixen are within the 45-65 J range.  You are extremely powerful.  I had a core strength of 89.1 J at your age, and now I have stagnated at 90.02 J.  In our community, Dumbledore is the most magically powerful (most other communities don’t use the same scale) and he is at 90.8 J.  Merlin supposedly had the highest score of 100, but Dumbledore is the highest known core strength.  Followed by me, and then apparently you.  Your parents were in the lower 70s, and the teacher with the highest is actually Severus Snape, with a core strength of 80.1 J.  You are incredibly, incredibly powerful, and will only grow with age. 

 

I cursed the DADA position out of righteous and rightful anger and no, I will not undo it.  Binns is the worst teacher, I don’t know why he is still there.  It’s beyond disturbing — history is the most important class to have knowledge of.  

 

I was broke, poor, and a mudblood street-rat, of course I worked in retail.  I lived in Knockturn Alley with all the other Dark Wizards (poor people) and had to feed myself somehow.  Working in retail did fuel my anger towards the wixen community, but once I had saved up enough money, I left that hell-hole and traveled the globe.  

 

My favorite candy is Cua Cua, which is a Peruvian wafer/chocolate treat, and it was the first muggle candy I ever bought for myself.  My favorite drink is freshly made lemonade because it reminds me of all the times I could never have it at the orphanage, but now I can.  My favorite place I’ve traveled is a tie between Chicago and Paris and Jerusalem (I didn’t tell you about it because to do so over a letter would be immensely insulting).  November of 1939, I snuck into a movie theater because I had heard all the ruckus about this one movie, and before my eyes, I got to witness colored television for the first time, so my favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz.  

 

My favorite animal is, of course, a snake, but more specifically a Naga, which is what Nagini is (I know, poor naming choice).  The best weather is harsh rain, but only when one is inside.  Otherwise, then it's warm sunshine and a cool breeze.  I don’t know what I smell in Amortentia, but I did smell mint, hot chocolate, and something I could only describe as magic.  My Patronus is a runespoor, my favorite flower is a cherry blossom, my favorite season is spring, and I do wear cologne.  My favorite place in Hogwarts is a tie between the Library, or the Come and Go Room. 

 

What are your answers to the questions? 

 

Best Regards, 

Lord Voldemort 

Dearest Pansy, 

I am here to tell you absolutely horrifying news: t he Dark Lord has a sugar baby.  

Now, now, now, you may be wondering what on Mother Magic’s green earth made me think this, but I have proof.  I have been attempting to process this, which is why it has taken me so long to relay it over to you.  About a week ago, our illustrious Dark Lord asked me what a ‘dildo’ was.  I, suitably disturbed, asked why he wanted to know, and he was quite angry, and waved a letter in my face and continued to ask what a dildo was.  Once I relayed that information, he BLUSHED.  HE ACTUALLY BLUSHED!!  Then he strode away staring at his letter and muttering to himself.  

Then, today.  He asked me what ‘punish me daddy’ was.  I was drinking tea and, admittedly, spat it out all over myself.  He was once again holding a letter.  So, given how the author of these letters is clearly much younger than the Dark Lord, how he keeps sending books and just sent an envelope, and the sexual nature of their conversation, I have come to a singular conclusion.  

Please help.  

Yours, 

Draco

Draco, 

What the actual fuck.  My place at 3 pm tomorrow.  

— Pansy

Lord Voldemort, 

 

Morgana and Mother Magic are you conceited.  I could never stay with someone just because they’re hot; they have to have at least a few other redeeming qualities.  

 

What the fuck?? I can never go around Malfoy again! Why would you ask him that?? And a boomer basically means someone who is old and out of touch.  Like you.  <3

 

I don't disagree things need to change, but was subjugation and mass murder really the solution?? Seriously?? You’re smart. Be ingenuitive.  And thank you. I can't make an appointment right now (or at least until I’m 17 and a legal adult), but I just really appreciate it.  It… means a lot to me. 

 

The book you sent on Wixen Christianity was really fascinating and way more interesting than anything I’ve ever learned in History with Binns. I can't say I’m a fan of your reign of terror in the late ’80s (don’t look at me like that, of course, I researched you when I learned who you were).  But yeah, fear-mongering and murder are never beneficial to starting a lasting empire of any sort.  Nor am I a fan of the war in general. Or arguments. Or yelling. I’m definitely a pacifist.  War is fucking dumb as hell and makes no sense. Like money. Money is absolute bonkers and makes no sense (no, this isn’t an invitation for you to explain; I could really care less about economics).  I think what I’m trying to ask is how I would cause a ceasefire because I really don’t want more people dying? 

 

For jobs — and I really can’t believe you’re helping me out with this and like Professor McGonagall isn’t — I really like teaching,  I’m alright at Defense despite our shitty teachers, and I really like magic animals. I also don’t mind Transfiguration or Charms, but I want to do something different as my parents. Professor McGonagall said I should be an auror which I think is a magical policeman, but I don’t think that would be a good thing. I don’t really have a good experience with policemen, being darker skinned and all. I just don’t think I could do that.  Potions would be fun, but you know Snape and all — no way am I touching that whole subject.  

 

Again, how would I cause a cease-fire? Now that you’re more or less sane, I don’t see the issue with letting you just do your own thing politically.  I also have no trust in the wixen judicial system, given how they treated Sirius, so I wouldn’t hedge my bet on you going through the whole due process bullshit and not getting off somehow.  I propose you stop the war and everyone rebuilds — however that could happen.  I dunno. I just can’t stand war, and you seem to not be too keen on killing me anymore, so if you don’t kill anyone else, then I suppose I’m good.  To be perfectly honest, I’m sick and tired of revenge, and it’s gotten me nowhere.  

 

It is Ms. Granger.  Hermione Jean Granger if you wanted to stalk her.  Wow, you had a friend??  And I bet Hydrangea Lestrange was scary as fuck if she gave birth to the Lestrange brothers and was your only friend.  What was she like?  And Orion Black — who’s he?  He sounds familiar.

 

Merlin, I wish I could have seen Malfoy’s face during that meeting.  I would pay a whole Gringotts vault just to witness it firsthand.  Ah, so all Malfoys are just… like that? I thought it might have just been Draco and Lucius, but I can see how they must have gotten their entitlement from their fathers, etc., etc.   I bet it ground on his gears.  The top in our year last I checked was Hermione and then some Ravenclaw (Anthony Goldstein; half-blood).  Malfoy only just barely makes the top 5, but I’ve topped DADA every year, and that grinds on Hermione’s and Malfoy’s gears like nothing else.  It’s kinda funny how they don’t expect anything from me.  It reminds me a little too much of the Dursleys for comfort, but you know how it is.  

 

I dunno why, but I thought you designed the Dark Mark, so that was an interesting fact to learn.  I wish I could tell Ron he’d love to know that, given how much he hates the Malfoys and you. 

 

Have you put a label on your sexuality yet?  Dean taught me — I wanna say mid 6th year when I was questioning my sexuality — what all the different labels were.  They were kinda confusing at first, but after smoking a fag with Parvati and talking about our respective crushes (mine was Blaise Zabini, and hers was Lavender Brown, who, incidentally, was dating Ron, and Hermione was pissed beyond belief about it), I settled on the label bisexual.  There are tons of other ones, and it sounds like you’re ace/asexual, which just means you’re uninterested in sex (it’s a spectrum, by the way, so you could be repulsed or just apathetic to it).  You could also be homoromantic (you are interested in romance with men), bi/panromantic (you’re interested in more than one gender romantically), and heteroromantic (you’re interested in women romantically).  

 

I will never let your dumbass anagram go. It’s way too funny  <3

 

Engineering is definitely a career I see young Tom Riddle pursuing.  I really liked hearing about all of your travels, and I found them interesting, but I don’t have anything of value to add, so I’ll just say: thank you so much! 

 

The parent guide to schools makes so much more sense now, and I wonder why Hermione chose Hogwarts, over it all, and why Houses matter so much, if people go to other schools as well.  

 

I had to take a little time to process the whole core strength thing.  I didn’t know I was that powerful.  And you said I will grow with age. Is that like a skill sort of thing, or does it have something to do with the magical inheritance I’ll get when I’m 17?  I didn’t know Snape was that powerful, but I take much pride in being stronger than him.  

 

You little bitch undo the curse on the DADA position kids need an actual teacher.  Binns is the worst. I think Dumbledore kept him for shits and giggles and to keep us uninformed of history for the most part.  He was a politician, after all.

 

I think retail would make anyone want to commit mass murder, so I empathize greatly.  And I keep hearing how Knockturn Alley is so evil and stuff, but as you said, it just seemed to be poor wixen, so it’s weird that people treat them like scum under their shoes.  Even Hagrid was like that.  I mean, I knew the wixen world was classist, but hearing how everyone, even Hermione spoke about Knockturn Alley was exactly how my Aunt and her friends spoke about the poorer neighborhoods, so it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  

 

I’ve never heard of Cua Cua, nor have I ever tried it, but I really want to now.  Also, wow, is that little tidbit about lemonade depressing.  Both because I relate so much to it, but also the pettiness. I aspire to that level of fuck you, but I’m still trapped in here, so it won’t be for a while.  You watching The Wizard of Oz is so cute.  I almost forgot you were old as fuck for a bit, though, but thank you for reminding me that you were there for the invention of colored fucking television.    

 

Your inability to name things or be linguistically creative is so funny. I agree with your pick of weather, and I appreciate all your answers to the questions, even if you’re a fucking swot.  My answers to the questions (I can answer) are: 

 

I really like Maltesers since Dudley hated them, so on Halloween, I would always get them.  My favorite drink is the chai that Parvati taught me how to make in 4th year.  It’s so good, and it made me feel a little connected to my extended family (on the Potter side, of course).  I’ve never really traveled, but it’s always been a life goal of mine.  My favorite animal is snowy owls, specifically Hedwig, my owl.  I also think mice are super cute, and they kept me company in my cupboard, so that’s cool.  I smelled broomstick polish, treacle tart, and Ginny’s perfume, but I dunno if that’s what it still is.  My Patronus is Prongs, a big stag.  He’s named after my dad’s Patronus since we have the same one.  My favorite flowers are calla lilies, for obvious reasons. My favorite season is autumn, I don’t wear ‘cologne,’ and my favorite place in Hogwarts is the Room of Requirement.

 

Now for some questions, you have to answer: 

 

What’s your favorite constellation? What’s a happy childhood memory you have?  What’s your favorite spell?  Why are you so petty? What is your life's passion?  If you were to settle down and not do the whole ‘take over the world thing,’ what job would you do? Can you speak languages other than English and Parseltongue? I’ve always wanted to learn another language, but it’s not like we have that option at Hogwarts.    

I hope you’re miserable. 

 

-Harry James Potter, Boy-Who-Can’t-Stand-Anyone-Right-Now  

Harry Potter, 

 

I am most definitely conceited, but with good reason.  I am spectacular.  And if they were intelligent, then I think I could stand it, but attractiveness is not reasoning alone to stay with someone; on that, we agree.  

 

I am not old and out of touch!  Lord Voldemort is the embodiment of innovation and unconventionality.  Lord Voldemort invents and creates revolution; how could Lord Voldemort be out of touch?? 

 

I am glad you appreciated everything in my previous letter. I did take quite a bit of time to compile it all in a clear and concise way, but it reminded me of teaching, so I didn’t mind it at all.  

 

There are several things that need addressing before I answer all your questions (including the sexuality one), the first being my takeover path, the second is the cease-fire, the third is jobs, and finally, the last thing is telling you about Hydrangea Lestrange.  

 

First: 

 

As a dirt poor half-blood with incest-filled ancestry, despite my connection to Salazar Slytherin himself, politics was not made for me.  I may have had a silver tongue, but I wasn’t born with a silver spoon, nor could I line the pockets of my opponents with it.  That’s all that wixen politics boils down to: who has the money.  I had no money, but I had power and charisma, so I started a cult, and it was very successful until it wasn’t.  I do have some regrets, and you are right about the whole ruling with fear is a poor idea, but it was the best option for some of the massive renovations the wixen world needed, and frankly still needs.  I would have lived forever and that meant I would be able to implement all of the changes I wanted — and have them stick.  

 

Second: 

 

Representatives of both sides, that would be myself and a Death Eater, and you and a trusted adult would have to draft up an armistice agreement, sign it publically, and then work on rebuilding for it to work.  The details of the armistice would vary depending on who is with you and what we are willing to compromise, but I have a feeling we could come to an agreement.  This, however, is contingent on you being of age.  

 

Third: 

 

As you said you enjoyed teaching, I will tell you how to become the Defense teacher at Hogwarts, for example.  You would have to get a Defense Mastery, as well as 5 years of experience, and then pass the certificate of teaching exam (if I recall correctly, it’s called TREE, or the Teaching Rites and Education Exam).  I also recommend traveling the world prior to settling down in any job, though, so you would be about 30 by the time you could be a teacher at Hogwarts — and that is incredibly young for a professor.  

 

Fourth: 

 

Hydrangea Lestrange, or as she insisted I call her: Gea (pronounced jee-ah).  She was the child of Sterling Lestrange and Hortensia Bulstrode and had a brother, Aspen Lestrange, who tragically died from magic-wasting disease when he was 15.  Wixen twins have two options: magically twinned, wherein they share a magic core or genes.  Magically twinned twins don’t survive very long, and either one cannibalizes the other’s magic (and lifeforce), or they are both squibs, and to her great sorrow and her parent’s joy, Hydrangea cannibalized her brother’s magic and lifeforce.  As one can tell, her parents were not very kind.  This strongly impacted her, and while she was still humorous and passionate about herbology and (to the disdain of her parents) botany, she was a lot angrier and crueler.  

 

We sort of had a feedback loop; I learned new Dark Magick, and she pushed me further, and I pushed her further.  We were both so angry at the world, and if I could love a man and she a woman, we would have probably married and destroyed each other and the world as a whole.  Gea was incredibly powerful, but her brutality, which most resembles that of Bellatrix and Severus, made her a very fearsome opponent, and I admit in her later years, I was quite scared of her.  She actually would still be alive, but as my right-hand woman, Dumbledore had her killed in the middle of the war.  I was very, very angry after that, and that irrationality was the catalyst to my destruction and when the war really turned bloody and brutal.  I would be happy to share fun stories of the two of us as children, if you would like, though.  

 

Now, onto the questions.  

 

Concerning my sexuality:  I asked Malfoy Jr. to explain them a little more in-depth, and I have come to the conclusion that I am a sex-repulsed asexual, and I am also homoromantic.  Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I do enjoy having words to categorize myself as.  

 

For the love of everything magic, please let the anagram thing go.  For the last time, it isn’t nerdy and dumb; it’s fearsome and intelligent.  

 

The other schools also sort you into houses, though it’s much more informal, and instead of the sorting hat, they place a spell on the hat you bring with you that sorts you based on what you want.  It’s far less invasive and takes in much more of what the person values.  

 

As a whole, the Wixen world in the UK is classist beyond belief, but I would be lying if I told you other places in the world had their own issues.  

 

I don't particularly appreciate how someone as powerful as you is languishing away in a muggle household, so I will come and get you if you so wish.  But I understand you might not want that, so while my offer won’t be taken back, you are under no obligation to accept it.  

 

I am not ‘old as fuck,’ though.  I am middle-aged for a wizard! I despise how you keep calling me old, especially as I am technically immortal.  

 

Like you, I have nothing to really add to your answers, but I appreciate them nonetheless.  

 

And here are my answers to the new questions: 

 

My favorite constellation is Hydra (I included a little sketch of it at the end).  The happiest childhood memory I have, is probably when, in the middle of our second year, Gea and I stayed over for Eostre break, and we gorged ourselves on pastries from the house-elves in the greenhouses.  I have it in my box of important memories next to my pensieve, actually.  My favorite spell is accio, as it was the first one I mastered (as in could cast it wordlessly and wandlessly).  I am petty for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which the pleasure I gain from being petty; I’m a bit of a hedonist, I’ll have you know.  My life's passion is to take over the world and implement better structures.  Also to be the best in the world.  I would never settle down, but if I had to, I would enjoy teaching Defense.  I can speak English, Parseltongue, French (I learned that from Gea), and Spanish (I best understand the Peruvian dialect) fluently, but I am conversationally competent in Brazilian Portuguese, Ugandan Swahili, and Kashmiri (all places I have stayed extensive time in).  I know phrases from languages all over the world, though.  The best way to learn them is full immersion, i.e., travel.  

 

What are your answers to the questions? 

 

 

Best Regards, 

 

Lord Voldemort

 

p. s. This is the Hydra constellation: 

Dearest Pansy, 

The news keeps coming.  In the last time, we have spoken with each other, the Dark Lord has said he is thinking about going political now that he has taken Hogwarts and possibly fashioning a new identity for himself.  He has also asked me to explain all the different sexualities before COMING OUT TO ME!!!  THE DARK LORD HIMSELF CAME OUT TO ME!!!! 

I am truly and utterly befuddled.  

Yours, 

Draco

p. s. Though outing someone is never cool, I must tell someone, so I will tell you: The Dark Lord is asexual and homoromantic.  Isn’t that so much fun????

Draco, 

My place at 12pm tomorrow.  I’ll have firewhiskey.  

— Pansy

Lord Voldemort, 

 

Merlin you’re annoying, like fuck off. And oh my Merlin, “embodiment of innovation and unconventionality,” get off your high fucking horse and suck my dick. Pretentious mother fucker. Not going to lie, that was a lot less satisfying writing it out than it would be to just say it. 

 

Also, I want to preface this letter and say wow you’re organized like did u have to rewrite your letter or something???  

 

To your first point on why you chose to go down the Dark Lord path, I guess it makes some sense but I still don’t like what you ‘chose’ and the fact you had no choice in the matter. 

 

Then to your second point: when I come of age, we’re doing an armistice and having someone WHO ISN’T RITA SKEETER do an article to get public support and stuff.  I don’t know how I’ll convince everyone on my side, but who cares.  It’s 2 am — that’s a problem for Harry in the morning Harry. 

 

And finally to your third point, thank you so much, I’ll keep it both in mind and in a safe space since Merlin knows I’ll forget all the details.  

 

Now onto Hydrangea Lestrange: 

 

(By the way, sorry I formatted it weird, but I wanted to get all my thoughts out in a concise manner — look at me using fancy words.  Anyways back to the point). 

 

 

• I didn’t know magically twinning was a thing and honestly it’s really fascinating in a morbid sort of way.  What other weird magic phenomena are there like that?  Magic in general is so strange and I’d love to just explore that for hours on end. 

• Also I’m really sorry she and you warped as you aged.  You both seem really fucking traumatized (and very chill but that’s besides the point) and it just sucks, you know? 

• She’s kind of a baddie not gonna lie though.  Very chill, very cool.  

• And let’s go lesbians?? I know a crazy amount of Gryffindor lesbians if I’m being honest.  There’s Ginny Weasley (she’s dating Luna who’s panromantic), and Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown who are dating.  I know there are some more in the upper and lower classes too but that was just off the top of my head. Many, many lesbians. 

 

 

And on the toic of sexuality, thank you for trusting me with your sexuality but why the FUCK would you talk to Malfoy didn’t — I forbid it??? Oh Merlin I sound like a dom call me daddy .   

 

I hope you know that I will never let the anagram thing go.

 

Bitch.  <3 

 

Why on Mother Magic’s green earth would you offer to take me away.  Like no siree you will not take me away for I only trust you as far as I can throw you and I bet you’re heavy as fuck.   

 

By the way, I liked the little sketch! If I’m being honest, drawing is so much fun, and it’s so easy! 

 

Wow, I’m not gonna lie, Gea sounds like a baddie. I already love her. Sure, accio is great but you know what is even better? Expelliarmus . I think I wrote a whole essay on that once.  And this is besides the point, but I agree, being petty is so much fun like fuck everybody else, I’m gonna do what I want.  Not that I actually live up to that standard in real life, but still.  A boy can dream.  

 

Now onto your answers to my questions (I only have a few responses).  I think world domination is a pretty lofty life’s passion.  I mean good for you I guess?? If that’s your calling?? I dunno what to say.  And wow, who?? So inspirational haha.   

 

And onto the answers to the questions you asked.  My favorite constellation is Canis Major, for obvious reasons (the Dog Star *cough* *cough* Sirius *cough* *cough*).  A happy childhood memory I distinctly remember is when one of my primary school teachers gave us all popsicles.  I think I ended up with a cherry one, which is my favorite flavor.  As stated earlier my face spell is Expelliarmus and I will argue about that.   

 

I don’t actually know if I have a life’s passion.  Till I got my Hogwarts letter it was to become a doctor and leave the Dursleys, but then after that everyone made me focus on killing you.  Which is kind of crazy to think about because I was only, what, eleven??

 

E L E V E N 

 

I was a whole ass child! I had nearly forgotten that bit! I was 11! And then 12! And 13, 14, 15, so on and so forth.  I was a child (technically I still am) but like that’s wild.  Anyways.  

 

Here are questions I want you to answer because I came up with them at like 2 in the morning: 

 

Are you ever bothered by how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things?  Do you mourn for something (like a person or a place) you’ve never known in this life? Do you believe in reincarnation, and if so, would you want to be reincarnated?  Do you think our choices are our own or are they fated?  Some combination of them both? Are they predetermined, do we decide on our own, or do others decide for us? Is free will an illusion? Do you think opposites attract? Is your life what you expected it would be fifty years ago? Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them?  Are you superstitious and if so what superstitions do you believe in? 

 

Hope you’re miserable. 

 

-Harry James Potter, Boy-Who-Almost-Isn’t-A-Boy-Anymore-Which-Is-Weird

Harry Potter, 

 

I am extremely upset that you think I’m annoying because I am not. I am intriguing, entertaining, and brilliant; how on earth could I be annoying? You, on the other hand… 

 

And I did end up rewriting/reorganizing the letter to make it neater and flow better, as I suspect you did as well. I didn’t, though, this time as there was already a transparent way and format to which I had to respond.  

 

So, firstly: 

 

Of course, me being a Dark Lord makes sense; why else would I do it? Who do you take me for? Some amateur? I am THE Lord Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the fearsome You-Know-Who.  

 

Secondly: 

 

I do think you should perhaps do some critical thinking on the armistice thing; I would hate to take advantage of a sleepy, unarmed teenager. But it might be a good idea — one we would have to discuss much more, in any case. My side would be in happy agreement (Bellatrix aside, as she is a little more into the whole blood and battle thing), but yours and the general public would likely take some more convincing. Perhaps we could fake my death, and I would steal the political spotlight as his hidden son or something.  

 

Thirdly (that word is so strange, I quite dislike it): 

 

You are very welcome. 

 

And as you said, “Now onto Hydrangea Lestrange.”

 

(Also, concise isn’t a long or fancy word, it’s only two syllables.)

 

 

• Yes, I am formatting this the same way you did; it’s simpler like that. 
• Also, yes, magically twinning is a thing, and I’ve attached a book on it entitled Anges and Alexander: A Study on Magical Twins by Brancheron Malfoi. Creative, I know. Another similar phenomenon to magical twinning is all the shenanigans that magical cores can get up to.  
• Supposedly the magical core is just that, a core of magic in our spinal cord, and some people do have that, but that’s quite rare and found in people with fragile and weak cores. So weak, in fact, some are squibs, and it’s called ‘spinal bound cores.’ Then there’s the idea that magic is in the blood, which is true in some cases but is only really found in pure-bloods, and even then, not all the time. The most common way for muggle-borns to have their magic is in their skin, and nobody has any concrete ideas as to why, but there are some theories. There are, of course, other ways to store magic in one’s body, and I’ve attached another book on that titled Magical Cores by Timothea Timothy, again, an incredibly creative name. Let me know what you think, and if that’s a subject, you’re fascinated by because I am.  
• Though I had to ask Malfoy Jr. what a ‘baddie’ meant, Gea most definitely is that. In addition, I appreciate the sympathy.  
• I also had to ask what “let’s go lesbians meant,” to which Malfoy Jr. just mumbled, ‘wahlahwah, emelem solidarity and something about the Parkinson Heiress? So I’m not too sure what to think about that, but interesting, I guess? There are many lesbians in Gryffindor. The sexuality of the houses is an actual a recorded phenomenon, and the numbers round out to be: 
• Lesbians tend to go into Gryffindor and Slytherin. 
• Gay men tend to go into Ravenclaw. 
• Bisexual men tend to go into Hufflepuff, and bisexual women tend to go into Ravenclaw.
• Trans people do tend to go into Hufflepuff, but Slytherin closely follows that. 
• Yes, I did send a copy of the study. A few half-bloods did the analysis over four decades ago, believe it or not. The study is relatively outdated and somewhat relies on stereotyping, but it’s a fun little gimmick.  

 

 

Will you shut the fuck up about the anagram thing? It’s bright, and you’re dumb. Leave me alone.  

 

And on Draco Malfoy: 

 

He is helpful! Unlike you! So leave me in peace with my ‘youth dictionary.’ Also, he’s so traumatized that his good friend, the Parkinson Heiress, had to send a letter pleading with me to leave him alone and that she would happily answer any questions. So now I traumatize both of them.  

 

In fact, I sent a letter to her asking all about the slang you utilize in your letters, and she gave a helpful definition for all of them, unlike the whimpering Malfoy Heir.  

 

She’s quite hilarious, to be honest. Again, much better than the Malfoy Heir. Not that I’ll leave him alone.  

 

Expelliarmus is so weak and dull I cannot believe that’s your favorite spell. Fuck you.  

 

And yes, you were a child. And still technically are no matter what you say in your ‘outro’ or whatever Malfoy Jr called my dramatic exit to the Parkinson Heiress. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s gone on her even though it’s well known she’s quite bent.  

 

I cannot believe you called us insignificant. We have a prophecy; we are the exact opposite of unimportant. When I was younger, I definitely mourned for my parents even though they were a squib and a mudblood, and I also mourned for a home. I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I don’t wish to be reincarnated. I wish to live forever. Our choices are a mix because of that pesky prophecy, but I definitely made my own choices. Free will is an illusion for the sheep that populate our earth and for the ‘heros,’ but I have no such limitation — I choose to do whatever I wish. My life is infinitely worse than expected. I thought I would be ruling the world by now, but alas, I am not. Meeting a clone of myself is my definition of hell. One of me is more than enough, and though you could make a silly argument about my Horcruxes, HOW DO YOU THINK I FOUND OUT!?

 

And I’m not superstitious but before meals I always pray — force of habit, I guess.  

 

What are your answers to the questions? 

 

Best Regards, 

 

Lord Voldemort 

Dearest Pansy, 

I’m going to cry, I’m so stressed, I cannot believe this is happening to me.  He asked me what a baddie was and what "let’s go lesbians" means.  My mother walked in on me crying hysterically.  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT. 

Yours, 

Draco  

Draco, 

How did you respond?? Our Lord sent me the same question but I don’t even know where to start. 

— Pansy 

Dearest Pansy, 

I said a badass person, usually a woman, and mlm wlw solidarity. 

Yours, 

Draco 

Draco, 

 

THAT’S WHY HE ASKED ME WTF EMELEM AND WAHLAHWAH WAS I WAS SO CONFUSED TuT

FUCK YOU!

— Pansy 

p. s. If this wasn’t so funny I would cry too. 

To Our Illustrious Lord’s ‘Sugar Baby,’ 

 

Salutations! I don’t believe we’ve ever spoken on our own terms, so a warm introduction is in order, I suppose.  I am Pansy Parkinson, Parkinson heiress and schemer extraordinaire, pleased to make your acquaintance.  

 

Now that we know each other, I have to say I am rather concerned about your interactions with the Dark Lord.  I do believe you are ‘good’ for him, but I hesitate to consider any sort of romantic relationship with our Lord to be a good thing, whatever that may mean to you.  

 

I am not writing to dissuade you from your amorous intentions rather to heed caution, and perhaps not use such slang as I fear my friend Draco Malfoy, Malfoy heir and whiner extraordinaire will explore.  

 

May this letter find you in wonderful health, 

 

— Parkinson 

Heiress Parkinson, 

 

What a surprise to hear from you! I can’t say I was expecting this, nor was I expecting such a kind introduction.  I fear I can’t extend the same courtesy, but I’m sure you will understand.  In addition I haven’t used my personal owl for the best anonymity, and have taken the liberty of requesting use of Lord Voldemort’s owl.  I hope you don’t mind.  

 

I also hope you don’t mind that I have no intentions of stopping my slang usage — it’s much too entertaining.  

 

Sincerest apologies for the emotional distress caused, though. 

 

Sorry, 

 

Lord Voldemort’s FRIEND IM NOT HIS FUCKING SUGAR BABY

Lord Voldemort, 

 

You’re annoying.  Suck it up buttercup.  And I’m annoying too, I’ll readily admit that! 

 

And why would I rewrite letters?? That’s such a waste of parchment and I have a very limited amount of it.  I don’t have sheaves to spare!

 

I'm going to respond in a similar fashion, though, since it just makes sense.  Mother Magic, I sound like you.  What the fuck.  Must be since I wrote that letter to Parkinson.  Don’t worry, I stayed anonymous, which reminds me: can I borrow your owl to send her the letter? Thanks! Anyways.  

 

Firstly: 

 

You calling yourself (direct quote): “THE Lord Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the fearsome You-Know-Who” has to be the cringiest thing I’ve ever read what the fuck. 

 

Secondly: 

 

Faking your death sounds fun — I’ve always wanted to try that.  And obviously I’d think about the whole armistice thing.  That’s just called common sense, which I DO HAVE HERMIONE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  

 

Thirdly (it isn’t a weird word, it makes sense, like Thursday or eggs):

 

Now for the fucking bullet points.  Merlin, you write a lot.  And I get off track a lot.  But that’s besides the point, bullet points! 

 

 

• Magical twinning is so fascinating!! And is that ‘Malfoi’ some French version of the Malfoys? He sounded like them LOL. 

• I wonder where I have my core — where do you have your core ??  Is there any way to test it? I feel like that would be a really fascinating thing to learn and the book didn’t really touch on that.  If I had to guess, though, I have a feeling I have an ‘abdominal web core’ because of the way my magic feels when I’m channeling it.  

• If I had to guess where your magic was it would maybe be an ‘arterial core,’ though I couldn't tell you why.  

• Of course Gea’s a baddie, I say so which means she is.  

• Wahlahwah….. Emelem…. Sir…...  He means WLW (women loving women) and MLM (men loving men).  I’m going to cry.  That is how you will have murdered me.  Not because of anything serious, but because of how out of touch you are with the youth (we are not rehashing that argument, though). 

• I didn’t know there was a study! You were right, it’s a little reductive and stereotypical, but again it is very entertaining.  Still doesn’t make sense why there are so many Gryffindor lesbians.  There are so many.  

 

Anyways.  No.  I will not shut up about the anagram thing.  You never should have told me I’m never letting it go.  This is honestly the most joyful part of my day — it’s been a while since I’ve laughed so hard.  

 

On your thing about Draco Malfoy: 

 

He is a jerk!! Do you prefer him over me?? Is he better than me?? Maybe you should just be penpals with Malfoy then if he’s such a helpful ‘youth dictionary.’  And if you’re so hell bent (Morgana’s tits don’t make the joke) on traumatizing the both of them, at least let me in on the fun.  I bet you’re having so much fun toying with them (without me, I might add) so I want in. Now, preferably, though I did write the letter to Parkinson.  So I guess I’m already toying with them.  Sort of.  

 

Too bad Malfoy would recognize my handwriting otherwise I would send a letter to him.  It would be a lot of fun fucking around with him.  

  

If Expelliarmus is so weak then how come I keep beating you with it? Are you saying you’re weak? Are you saying I’m so skilled with such a weak spell I can overpower even you, the Illustrious Lord Voldemort?? Is that what you’re saying?? It certainly sounds like you are.    

 

I may legally be a child but I certainly haven’t felt like one in a while.   That was depressing.  I apologize.  Wait.  Why am I apologizing to you???? Ignore that unnecessary and unneeded apology for something YOU caused.  Ugh great now I’m spiraling again.  Next topic! 

 

What do you mean Malfoy is gone on Parkinson?? I’m like 82% sure that boy is in the dictionary definition of a ‘closeted, non-practicing homosexual.’  Which is such a hilarious phrase that I can't believe I came up with it.  I probably didn’t come up with it.  Maybe Aunt Petunia or Uncle Vernon did, though they said it unironically, unfortunately.  

 

We are definitely insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  And a prophecy will never change that — I mean tons of things have prophecies about them.  Hell even the weather prediction could be considered a prophecy, and that’s incredibly insignificant outside of context.  Someone from South America wouldn’t give two shits about the weather here, nor about you.  

 

I think that everyone mourns their parents, alive or not, to some extent, for what they didn’t do.  My parents died before they could raise me, so I mourn, Hermione’s parents are so far apart from her world they might as well be dead, so she mourns, and Ron’s parents can’t give him the support he needs, so he mourns.  I think to some extent everyone mourns for what they couldn’t have and vows to do better if they have kids.  

 

Reincarnation is a very soothing belief for me.  I would hate to live forever — it would get lonely — but I also don’t want to die, so the idea I get to live on in new lives is very comforting.  Free will is definitely not an illusion. Everyone has some modicum of choice, and though we are all tied to certain expectations and responsibilities, there’s always something to choose, something to change.  

 

Clones of me would be an interesting experience, I honestly think I would like it, but who knows. 

 

I’m not religious in any sense of the word, but I’m definitely superstitious (throw salt behind your left shoulder if you spill it sort of thing). 

 

And now questions! 

 

How was your day? How have you been? I feel like those are proper questions to ask in a letter, but we never do so.  I guess we’re past simple ‘pleasantries’ or whatever the word is.  Kinda strange to ask the man who’s been hunting and tring to murder you your whole life ‘hope you’re doing well, how’s the wife, how’re the kids’ sort of thing normal people engage in. Feels absurd.  

 

Now for the real questions!

 

Do you have any hobbies? What’s a strange muggle talent you have? What’s your favorite holiday? When’s your birthday? Has your favorite song changed at all? How are your followers doing — I haven’t checked in on them in a while.  Wow that is such a weird sentiment now that I think about it.  Have you heard of origami? I found a book on it in the public library in my neighborhood and so I’ve been making tons of stuff! I attached a butterfly and a paper crane out of scrap paper to this letter so I hope you like them.  Maybe you could try your hand at it haha.  

 

And some more questions because I have a little bit of space left and I hate blank space: 

 

What do you do when you have a bad day? How’s Nagini doing? How do you even pronounce her name (everyone seems to have a different answer, so I was wondering if you could ask her for me).  What’s your favorite thing to wear? And now that I think about it, why are you always barefoot?? That seems so gross.  I heard some wacky statistics about foot fungus and warts and stuff (something like 70% of people have them) and that’s why I refuse to take my shoes off outside of my room/Aunt Petunia’s house.  

 

Now.  Final question.  Who was your first crush? 

 

Hope you choke on your spit, 

 

Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who’s-Sick-And-Tired-Of-The-Wizarding-World

Harry Potter, 

 

I had never heard of the phrase ‘suck it up buttercup’ before, but I loathe how condescending it sounds.  It also seems as if you are quoting, is that true? But that is all beside the point: I am not annoying, that is all you, as you admitted.  

 

In addition, I had no idea you were low on parchment, so with the extra owl I sent several sheaves of it.  Let me know if you wish for more, I have plenty and I am always willing to share.  

 

Firstly: 

 

I was unsure of what ‘cringey’ meant, and then when I had to ask Heiress Parkinson and Heir Malfoy what it meant, they asked for context.  Well, Heiress Parkinson did and Heir Malfoy looked like he swallowed a particularly bitter lemon.  She (being Heiress Parkinson) then looked rather squeamish when I showed the letter.  I think I may have scarred them a little too much.  

 

In fact, I know so, as Narcissa Malfoy herself asked me to lay off malfoy Jr (just not in such words, she phrased it much more eloquently and subserviently).  I might listen — I do enjoy my manhood right where it is.  

 

Secondly: 

 

Faking one's death requires much more work than anyone expects.  In the wizarding world it means you have to ‘kill oyurself’ using believable implements, and then since it’s so insular, create a new identity from another country, preferably multiple.  Next you would have to create the proper documentation, haggle with the goblins, and take potions to permanently alter your voice, features, and accent.  There are, of course, other details that would need to be smoothed over.  Now, disappearing into the muggle world is much easier.  You just need forged documentation and to move to any big enough city; muggles leave their families behind to start new lives all the time, and it’s much easier for wixen to create forged documents.  

 

That comment towards Ms. Granger seems very pointed, may I ask why she doesn’t think you have common sense? And yes you should definitely think on the armistice thing, especially since we have several more options. 

 

Thirdly (It is a strange word, and the words you gave as examples are also strange.  It also reminds me of Thursday and egg in Spanish, which are jueves and huevos, and they sound quite similar):

 

You do get off track a lot and I write a lot, but yes that’s entirely beside the point.  And yes, time for bullet points: 

 

• The Malfoys are French, and they changed the spelling of their name when they came to Britain.  I can send more of Brancheron Malfoi’s work, if you would like.  It’s all about the topic of Magical Cores as it was his life's work, so let me know if you would be interested.  

• There is a way to test and I’ll explain it in the step by step process.  So, you will meditate, keeping your breathing deep and even, for as long as it takes to get ‘floaty’ and ‘relaxed’ or whatever that means to you.  Then, at that state, you will cast the spell revalre meumkore (pronounced reh-veh-lah-reh meh-em-koh-reh and it’s bastardized latin for reveal my core), waving your wand in a slow circle above your head.  If channeled correctly, golden sparkles will begin to fall over you.  Eventually the golden sparkles will form a model of your body, and will light up red where your ‘core’ is.  In all honesty it’s an incredibly fascinating piece of spell work, and I’ve attached a copy of the research documents.  I’m not sure you will understand as it’s incredibly advanced, but just in case you wanted to learn the process behind the spell.  

• How did you know I have an arterial core? I think that’s very interesting how you guessed it right out of the two or so dozen of options

• I know now what WLW and MLM mean, however I was incredibly confused.  I am glad I have finally killed you, though.  It has been one of my life goals for quite some time.  

• And yes we are rehashing the ‘out of touch’ argument. I firmly disagree and find it very disheartening you think I am ‘out of touch.’  

  

While I am glad I can bring you a little bit of joy, I am aghast to hear how you will not let the anagram thing go.  It is frustrating and I will spell my thoughts out for you clearly and succinctly since you seem to not get it: 

 

MY ANAGRAM IS NOT STUPID. IT IS NOT.  END OF STORY.  IT ISN'T!!!!!

 

On Draco Malfoy: 

 

...Are you jealous? Of me asking Malfoy to translate your letters? I find that hard to believe, but I cannot come to any other conclusion.  So are you? Because if so, you have nothing to worry about.  He is far less competent than you, and fears me much more.  He would be a rather awful ‘penpal,’ unlike you.  I find that you are engaging and you ask intelligent questions, so I don’t understand where your feelings are coming from. 

 

And yes, toying with the Parkinson Heiress and the Malfoy Heir is something I highly recommend and I am glad you are joining in on that bit of fun.  In addition, I highly disagree with the fact that Malfoy Jr. is bent.  He can’t be, he’s much too interested in the Parkinson Heiress.  

 

Since you pointed out that I shouldn’t make the joke, I now feel obligated to do so.  Of course I get ‘hell bent’ as I’m already ‘bent like hell.’ Hah, there.  

 

You are an outlier.  You are exponentially more powerful than the spell Expelliarmus which is why you get such incredible results from it.  I enjoy you calling me the ‘Illustrious Lord Voldemort’ — keep doing that.  I do wish you would broaden your spell repertoire, though.  You are very powerful so it would be a shame to waste it.  

 

I will not validate your opinions on our insignificance with my comments on it, just note that I vehemently disagree.   I also somewhat disagree with the statement that everyone mourns their parents, there are those with parents who ‘love and care for them’ and I cannot see them mourning for their parents in that case.  

 

Now for your questions.  My day was alright, there’s quite a bit of paperwork involved in being a Dark Lord for whatever reason and I had to intimidate some minions whilst they were training.  Fear is a powerful tool, not as much as loyalty, but it works for the lesser of my minions.  I have yet to find a quick way to inspire deep loyalty such that I don’t have to rely on fear tactics as much.  

 

I do think it’s a little odd for us to exchange pleasantries, but no more so than the entirety of what we are doing.  So I will ask the same of you, how are you doing, how are your friends, your ‘family,’ etc.  

 

And the ‘real’ question:

 

I have plenty of hobbies ranging from drawing to learning to exploring to gardening.  I find that having a well-rounded life, especially since I was a shade for over a decade, is very soothing and keeps me in high spirits.  I wasn’t sure what you meant by ‘strange muggle talent’ but I can braid hair? That wasn’t meant to be a question of my ability, rather I am unsure if it counts.  I truly cannot think of anything else.  

 

My birthday is December 31st and I was born 1926.  My favorite song hasn’t changed as far as I know and my followers are going alright.  

 

I have heard of origami before, but I had never tried my hand at it.  You’re quite good at it and though I attached a few of my creations I fear I am not as talented as you.  My folds are rather sloppy.  I appreciate the thought that went into your creations; they now rest on my desk and I’ve stared imperiously at any follower who dares glance at them with curiosity.  They are mine.   

 

Now, what I do when I have a bad day depends on the type of bad day.  If it’s a busy one, I just continue whatever I do and pay it no mind.  If it’s a lazy bad day, I make myself some hot chocolate and research something that’s caught my eye.

 

Nagini (nah-gee-nee) is doing quite well, which is to be expected as she doesn’t have any responsibilities.  All she does is sleep, eat, and terrorize my followers.  My favorite thing to wear are plain black robes.  Though I enjoy theatrics, I am not one for ostentatious outfits if unnecessary, and so I usually just wear plain black robes (with underwear for I was not socialized the same way purebloods were and find it incredibly uncomfortable to go pantless with company). 

 

I am barefoot because it anchors me to the ground.  That isn’t some ‘spiritual, divination’ thing, more like an emotional crutch I allow myself.  Being a shade for over a decade was a very troubling experience and having the permanence of ground beneath my feet is very soothing.  Fear not, though, I have charms for both the safety and the cleanliness of my feet.  

 

And to your final question, my first crush that I fully realized was a boy named Billy at the orphanage.  He was very attractive and I wanted to both punch him and kiss him till he passed out.  It was very infuriating.  

 

What are your answers to the questions? 

 

Best Regards,

Lord Voldemort

Draco, 

 

You will never believe what happened to me.  I sent a letter to the Dark Lord’s ‘sugar baby,’ and he sent one back .  I have attached a copy I made of it and I am heading over to your house.  I cannot believe what is happening.  AND HE WAS USING THE DARK LORD’S OWL TOO!!!

 

— Pansy 

Dearest Pansy, 

 

I have cleared my schedule.  

 

Yours, 

Draco

To the Dark Lord’s “Not” Sugar Baby, 

 

Your addressment of the Dark Lord was as fascinating as it was telling, so we (Draco and I) fear you have given yourself away.  The use of the Dark Lord’s owl was essentially useless, and for that you only have yourself to blame, Potter.  

 

It is quite unfortunate that you refuse to halt your usage of slang, but we do understand.  We do hope you will continue this correspondence, however, as it does provide some relief.  

 

May this letter find you in good health, 

 

P. Parkinson 

Parkinson,

 

I hope you choke and die.  Stop making my miserable existence even more wretched.  I understand that’s your life’s mission, but putting a stop to that would be much appreciated.  

 

With incredible frustration,

Harry

Lord Voldemort,

I was, in fact, quoting when I said “suck it up buttercup.” My maths teacher used to say that all the time— I’m pretty sure it’s an American muggle thing, since she was American.  In addition, you are annoying and I will say that till I am old and grey and dying.  

 

Thanks for the extra parchment, I used a lot of it to send little drawings since I went to the aquarium, but I’ll get to that later.  

 

To respond to your first thing, please stop bothering Malfoy and Parkinson, they don’t deserve to be your “youth” dictionary.  Please listen to Mrs. Malfoy. 

 

On your second point, wow that’s a lot of work.  I really didn’t expect that faking your death took all that work— especially the goblin part.  If I ever need to fake my death I’m moving to Australia and becoming a muggle.  No more wizarding Harry.   

 

We can look more into the armistice thing, but definitely when I get back into the wizarding world and move out of the Dursleys.  Only a few weeks till I get kicked out and can return to the wizarding world.  They said that they’ll keep me till I reach muggle majority and then no more, their duty is fulfilled, and whatnot.  So! Only a few more weeks.  

 

Aaaand now time for bullet points (yes I did need to write out all the a’s). 

 

• I would love to read some of Brancheron Malfoi’s work, so maybe send a couple books over? 

• I did not understand the research behind the core-revealing spell, but I got what was expected— an arterial core.  Gotta say, that was the only core I knew of because that’s the one I have.  I didn’t know there were others (that’s why I guessed you had that core).  Fascinating how we have the same core type.  I wonder why.   

• Of course killing me is one of your life goals.  That is one thing I will never get over: how you tried to fulfill a self-fulfilling prophecy instead of ignoring it like any sane person would.  But we aren’t rehashing that argument.  

• YOU ARE OUT OF TOUCH!! I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL!! 

 

Your anagram is stupid.  

 

On your thoughts on Malfoy: 

 

I can’t believe you complimented me sandwiched between insults to Malfoy.  He isn’t that bad… I find it hard to believe you think that I’m leagues ahead of Malfoy, to be honest.  Kind of funny that you say so, when most everyone else would disagree.  

 

Malfoy is not into Parkinson what the fuck?? They are totally each other's beards.  

 

More weird compliments and insults.  I wish I could expand the amount of spells I know, but for some reason it’s so hard to memorize them? Like I look at the words on the page and they just swim all around.  And I can't ever figure out the right way to channel them.

 

How the fuck is there paperwork involved when you’re being a Dark Lord? Why can’t you just… not do it? What do you even fill out papers for???

 

I’m doing alright, I guess.  Two weeks till I’m 17 and I get kicked out, so that’s fun.  The Dursleys are as Dursley-like as usual, and I don’t really interact with anyone 

 

For some reason I couldn’t picture you having hobbies, but it makes sense that you would explore the world.  

 

I love how your birthday was at the very end of the year and mine was at the very middle— peak of summer and dead of winter.  Probably some fate action going on, but I’m not sure. 

 

Why are you such a liar.  You said your origami wasn’t good, but it’s way better than mine.  And there’s no need to compliment me, but I appreciate it.  

 

Hot chocolate is so good but I rarely get to have it.  I’m sure I’ll have it more when I ‘move’ out.  

 

Nagini is who I aspire to be.  

 

Also you’re telling me pure bloods don’t wear pants?? Like underwear?? Not a slip of fabric down there??? What the fuck????

 

I guess I get the barefoot thing if you’ve been incorporeal for over a decade.  I still stand by the fact it’s gross.  

 

You liked… Billy? The boy who’s rabbit you killed??

 

Anyways I wanted to tell you all about my day as I have no one else to tell.  To summarize, I went to the aquarium and it was so, so neat.  I wanted to tell you a little about some of the species I saw.  First off I have to say how cool fish are.  They are so incredibly fascinating I don’t have enough adjectives (it’s adjectives right? Not adverbs? They don’t really teach that in wizarding school…) to describe.  Now! Onto the fish!!

To one H. Potter, 

 

How cruel of you to tell a woman to choke and die.  Why I ought to speak to your guardian of this cruel injustice.  And how could I, “  Stop making my miserable existence even more wretched,” or rather, stop making your miserable existence more wretched when it’s so perfectly entertaining? What do you say to that, hm? Anyways, I can see wonderful things coming from this partnership— I do so hope you will continue to speak with me.  

 

This humble one wishes you the best of luck and best of health,

 

P. Parkinson 

H. Potter, 

 

Sorry about Pansy.  She’s a bit much.  I won’t say she’s harmless, but she’s currently not out for your blood so I wouldn’t worry too much.  

 

Sincerest apologies, 

D. Malfoy

Harry Potter, 

 

You will not be saying that I am annoying till you are old and grey and dying because I refuse to let you die.  Immortality is nonnegotiable now that we are no longer at odds.  

 

I will give you whatever supplies you may require.  It is such a shame you are unable to get them on your own.  The drawings were a wonderful use of the parchment, I must say.  

 

Malfoy and Parkinson “can deal,” as you might say.  

 

Thank you so much for telling me your plan for faking your death.  I’m sure I was the best person to be made aware of such a plan.  Wonderful idea.  Bravo, truly, bravo.  

 

The armistice can definitely wait till you reach the muggle majority.  Do you have a place to stay once the Dursleys are moved from your presence or are you just winging it?  

 

Now for the bullet points. I don’t think it was necessary to write out all the a’s. Four is excessive.  

 

 

• I sent a few of Brancheron Malfoi’s work, I do hope you will enjoy it. 

• I think it’s very intriguing how you also have an arterial core given how rare it is, but I suppose it makes sense.  

• And you may perish.  I am not out of touch.  

 

My anagram is not stupid.  

 

My thoughts on you thoughts on my thoughts on Draco Malfoy (what a wordy sentence).  

 

Harry.  You are my magical equal. As you might be well aware, I am quite conceited (though it is not entirely undeserved).  In what world would I consider Draco Malfoy to be more powerful than you— even if it happened to be true? To put it in simple terms: you are leagues more powerful than he is.  It would be insulting to the both of us to imply or state otherwise.  

 

I may have made a mistake in believing that Heir Malfoy and Heiress Parkinson to be “into each other” and for that I sincerely apologize.  

 

There might be a reason you find adding spells to oyur repertoire to be difficult and that is simply because our education system is shit.  It focuses on one style of learning and only one, and for people with different core types it’s almost impossible to succeed.  I suggest visualizing what you wish to happen and use the word and movement to channel that massive amount of energy into a small tip.  

 

Think of it like a basin of water and you need to let out a little bit through a faucet.  The faucet handle is the specific phrase.  Of course tutoring would help you (I presume that is how you learned the patronus at such a young age), so I do recommend one on one tutoring.  

 

Of course there is paperwork involved in being a Dark Lord.  Mostly I am sending letters, drafting battle plans, and documenting all of my followers.  In addition I have to control all the finances I have been gifted (willingly or otherwise) and keeping track of all that requires quite a bit of paperwork.  

It is quite fateful how our birthdays are in the peak of summer and dead of winter.  I quite like the symmetry of it all.  

 

My origami is passable.  Thank you, though. 

 

Hot chocolate is wonderful and everyone should aspire to be like Nagini.  The world would be better if we were all snakes.  

 

Regretfully I must inform you that pure bloods (the older ones, at least) do not wear fabric down there.  It was quite the culture shock when I moved to the wizarding world, I must say.  Your pureblood friends are not likely to go pantless, but their parents likely do.  It’s certainly something.   

 

How do you know I killed Billy’s rabbit?? And of course I liked him in a very strange, childish manner, but I liked him nevertheless.  

 

I quite enjoyed all of the explanations of the fish (and various other things within the aquarium), so I took it upon myself to go there.  Quite an entertaining experience, I must say.  

 

I did not, unfortunately, draw anything for you (nor did I take such elaborate notes), but I did have a wonderful time, so thank you for that.  

 

As you did not add any questions to your most recent letter, here are a few I came up with: 

 

• What is the best soup? This may depend on the seasons for you as it does for me, so what is the best soup per season?

• Worst song to listen to during a romantic candle-lit dinner?

• If fruits had a monarchy, who would be the king?  This question made me ponder a lot more: if they had a democracy who would be the prime minister? What about an oligarchy? Would fruits be socialist? So many questions.  

• What is the best (non-wand) weapon to bring to a duel?

• What is the worst place to find unexpected yogurt? Any specific reasonings?

• What is the superior stationary in your opinion? Does that depend on the usage?

• What is the worst bird to get transfigured into and why?

 

I await your response with bated breath.  

 

Yours, 

Lord Voldemort

Harry, 

 

I believe You Know Who has been writing to me.  Please owl back as soon as possible.  

 

- Hermione 

 

What the fuck was he going to do now??

Ms. Hermione Granger,

Greetings. I am an anonymous benefactor who agrees on your standpoints regarding house elves and elvish rights. I currently have a seat in Wizengamot, and I know you are unable to gain one. If you would be amenable, I would be interested in starting up a conversation to hopefully forward my political goals towards creature inequality. I believe that this could be a fruitful partnership.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for expressing interest, but I can’t help but be a little concerned. How did you get my address? How have you heard of me and my political beliefs? Why have you now just decided to contact me? What is your aim? I apologize if I sound brusque, but I can’t help but be concerned as to your motives. I hope you can forgive my wariness.

- Hermione Granger

Ms. Granger,
I applaud your caution; I believe the muggles warn their children of something called “stranger danger,” and they are well to do so. I understand I may seem strange and a bit of a cause for worry, but I mean you no ill. I simply heard of your political beliefs from a dear friend of mine. I believe he knows someone at Hogwarts in your year, and thought they meshed well with mine. I simply would just like to hear more about them. In regard to how I found your address, I haven't. I simply asked my owl to find you.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Anonymous,

Well, if you are as interested in creature rights as you claim, I can explain a little bit of my ethos. House Elves are one of many issues wrong with the wizarding world. I’ve attached a few treatises I’ve written on the subject. Now, you may say, a muggleborn (if you’re kind about it) coming into a brand-new world and imposing all of these new changes? Preposterous! While I completely understand that there are substantial cultural roots in many of these practices, some are incredibly inhumane. I argue that the muggle world is far more advanced than the wizarding would like to admit. My thesis is that creatures and muggleborns should have equal rights to purebloods and halfbloods. I was honestly taken aback when I realized how bigoted this world that was supposed to be full of people like me turned out to be.

- Hermione Granger

p.s. I apologize for how grimly this letter ended, but I found myself unable to continue after…

Ms. Hermione Granger,

I entirely empathise with your plight. Though I am a halfblood, I was raised as a muggleborn and suffered much the same treatment (constant use of the m-slur, bullying, lack of consideration for jobs I was more than qualified for, etc). The wizarding world, in many aspects, is backwards and stuck in its ways. They would prefer to cling to old bigotries than move forward and make moves to preserve our collective culture. By isolating muggleborns, the pureblood families are not only losing power, but they are destroying eons old magic in the process. I have mailed you a book on the history of Darke Magickes, and I highly recommend you read it. Let me know what you think. I believe the preservation of magic should come first, but I know many disagree.

Regarding your essays:

I believe your essay entitled “Foals, Fillies, and Half-Human Children: Schooling for Creatures” brings up many good points, but I would argue that Hogwarts is both inaccessible for nonhumans and that many creatures have their own cultures around schooling. I suggest talking to many beings from the species you are attempting to fight for. Perhaps focusing more on Half-Human children rather than just creatures would prove to be a more fruitful approach. Think of it as a steppingstone; progress is not linear nor is it fast.

Your essay “Wear-Wolves; Clothing and Dignity for Werewolves” contains some fascinating magic. I had never thought about transformation “proof” clothing. The possibilities are endless— think of the indestructible features and all their applications. In addition, framing such innovative magic, and hinging it upon the acceptance and dignity of some of our world’s most abused is frankly, quite genius. You mention runes being a large part of the magic, but is there a way to commercialize it? Runes are expensive and time consuming, and the individual's body composition and magic must be taken into account. Perhaps there are swifter ways of achieving the same result? Perhaps patches could be sold that could be sewn into preexisting clothing.

And finally, your essay simply titled “House Elves” raises very good points, but I do think you should consider the pureblood perspective on house elves. They simply don’t care unless it benefits them. How do you convince people like that?

To conclude: calling you intelligent is such a gross understatement I would consider it an insult. Don’t stop with your work. Post-graduation please propose some ideas to Wizengamot, and I’ll see about getting them passed.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Anonymous,

When I had learned that the wizarding world had “banned books,” I didn’t think much of it as I was eleven and not very cognizant about the danger of restricting information. Thank you, though, for giving me access to that restricted information. Burning, banning, and otherwise restricting books never is for the “greater good,” but instead ends up helping dictatorships. I see now why Darke Magick has been banned— it is extremely powerful. Despite the dangers of ending up like You Know Who I see no reason to ban Darke Magick. I don’t wish to tell too much in case my owl gets intercepted even though I’ve inscribed runes on the back for privacy. I guess what I do want to say is that Darke Magick is extremely fascinating (the possibilities of sanguine-based magickes, bone-marrow magickes, and as a whole, emotion-based magickes are endless…). I wish we had more opportunities for either private study (oh how I despise the underaged magic rule) or even class time. Darke Magick is so much more than the unforgivable, and I wish that Defense against the Dark Artes was much more in-depth. It can’t be helped with that dratted curse, though.

You said, “By isolating muggleborns, the pureblood families are not only losing power, but they are destroying eons old magic in the process.” Could you elaborate on that? What do you mean by destroying magic? Are you referring to pureblood traditions or something else?

As you said, I might shift my political focus to half-human children. In all honesty, their plight reminds me of my own, of muggleborns. We’re both choosing between worlds as it becomes simply unsustainable to have one foot in both. There should be steps made to ease the transition at the very least, or even ways to make the balancing act a little more achievable. Who wants to pick between their family or magic itself? And the balancing act itself is divisive. I can’t tell my parents half of what I wish I could—I couldn’t worry them like that. We’re heading towards war: how do I tell people I love I’m going to be a child soldier soon enough? I shouldn’t borrow trouble, but I know that these things are quickly and unstoppably coming.

Back on more light-hearted, academic topics. Transformation clothing! I understand that runes are pricey, so I was thinking about how to mass produce them. Essentially what I would need is a piece of human hair and then a piece of werewolf fur to balance the chemical and magical compositions. Fur and hair are made of keratin which is also what teeth and nails are made of. So, I can treat them the same, chemically speaking. I read a rune circle that used teeth as a base. To have the same intent as hair and teeth are magically different, I would have to add a vial of saliva. With the hair, fur, and saliva, I could form a thread and then stitch the runes halgalaz, gebo, and eshwaz in a triangle onto the collar or waistband of the clothing. Halgaz accounts for the force of a transformation, gebo offers an exchange, and eshwaz is reliability and keeping the same. Though it would be difficult to start, we could do it with animagi at first as they suffer much the same problems.

When you bring out house-elves, you ask how to convince the purebloods, but what you’re missing is that it’s not about convincing it’s simply doing what’s right— better to ask for forgiveness than for permission for they will never give it.

If I may, we have corresponded for some time, may I have your name? I understand you wish for privacy, but I would appreciate not having to address my letters to “Anonymous” every time.

- Hermione Granger

Ms. Hermione Granger,

Many rules and restrictions in the wizarding world are purely means of control, and not for any rational reason. Wands, for example. Anyone can learn wandless magic—in fact it’s quite common in other cultures, such as in West Africa, Southeast Asia, and Central America. Still others use staffs or other types of conduits. A wand is technically unnecessary. However, we only can receive our wands from one source, and we only learn wand-based magic. We are taught that wandless and wordless magic is far too difficult and advanced: this is a lie. Anyone can learn if given enough tutoring.

The fear of Darke Magick is due to how it is difficult to learn, easy to make mistakes in, and can lead to Blackest Magick, which is dangerous and addictive. These are the unforgivables, the truly demonic magickes. We aren’t even taught of them because what could be worse than Dark Magic?

What I mean by losing magic is just that: we are losing resources to learn magic, our population is dwindling, and we are having more and more squibs. Incest is well known as one of the worst killers of magic as it leads to infertility and squibs. The notion that pureblood is better ignores the fact that the purebloods are dying off. What is happening right now is the slow death of many olde families, which means we lose their family magic and their resources. The way to prevent this is by marrying halfbloods and muggleborns and bringing them into the fold instead of preaching for blood purity. They are targeting the wrong issue.

As I have no family (I was raised in a muggle orphanage), I cannot empathise with your plight, but I can sympathize and understand. It’s near impossible to have a foot in each world, which is much the same issue half-humans face. They must choose between their human side and their creature side, and when faced with such hatred from both sides, it’s a difficult choice, to be sure.

Would it be possible to send over the original rune circle for reference? I find it difficult to learn modifications if I haven’t first seen the original text. Also, please forgive my ignorance but what is keratin? I tried researching for it in the Malfoy Manor and came up with zilch. Now, if we are using hair and saliva to create the same magical and “chemical” intents, can we be sure it does, in fact, do that? Again, leading back to keratin, what is it about that which ensures hair & saliva and teeth are equivalent. I would also suggest swapping gebo for nauthiz which reacts better with eshwaz. Gebo might change the clothing as well instead of supporting haglaz, especially if it’s on the left. Nauthiz will invoke a similar meaning but will instead be a stronger bond between eshwaz and haglaz.

You misunderstand my point in turn: you must convince the purebloods as their have the majority on Wizengamot. I understand what you are saying, but you need to convince at least a few.

And you may. I believe we have established enough of a rapport that I may introduce myself. I am Lord Vladmir Deomet (day-oh-may).

With that, I bid you until next correspondence.

Sincerely,

Vladmir

Lord Deomet,

Though I do not recognize your name, I thank you deeply for entrusting me with such information.

I had never thought about wands as anything more than a tool, but you have showed me a new perspective. Wandless magic being not only possible, but the norm, in some cultures is quite mindboggling to me. You are quite radically changing my beliefs! Do you have any resources you could send on wandless magic, especially pertaining to other cultures? Or how to learn wandless magic? If I could practice without a wand, there would be no trace on me. Which, now that I think about it, is rather strange and invasive. What else am I missing about the wizarding world simply due to the fact I haven’t explored it enough?? Quite a conundrum!

In addition, could you explain more about “Blackest Magick?” I have never heard of it, but it sounds dangerous…

I’ve attached a copy of the original rune text as well as a diagram of my changes. If you grew up in an orphanage, it’s unlikely you would have had an extensive chemistry background. Essentially keratin is the muggle way to categorize certain organic compounds. I can’t go into too much detail since you don’t really have any chemistry background, but that’s the best way to explain it. Biologically speaking, teeth, hair, and nails all are made of the same thing, so theoretically we could swap them out for each other. The addition of saliva adds the magical intent of “things from mouths,” to put it bluntly. I will keep in mind your recommendations when I have the opportunity to test my theories.

I see what you mean about convincing. I’ll have to think on that. I will get back to you regarding house elf liberation when I have a specific plan.

I’d like to learn a little bit more about you, if that would be permissible. We’ve corresponded quite frequently, but I know nothing of you! So please, tell me about yourself.

- Hermione Granger

Ms. Hermione Granger,

You may simply refer to me as Vladmir—there’s no need for fancy titles.

I’ve sent along three separate books: Ugandan Magicks by Nasiche Thomas, Staffs, Wild Rice, and Palm Magic: The Ojibwe Nation’s Approach to Magic by Arthur Fieldman, and The Basics of Wandless Performance by Master Pine and Mistress Nimbar. You may find them interesting. Let me know if you’d like more resources.

I’ve also attached a treatise on Blackest Magickes. You may have difficulty reading it as it’s in Middle English, so feel free to ask any questions or concerns as they arise.

I took a look at the original diagram, and I think you’ve made proper changes by accounting for intent, material, and runic balance. However please do take my recommendations into consideration as I believe they would be best. I didn’t get an O on my Runes NEWTS for nothing! When making the thread with the fur, hair, and saliva, you may wish to bind it with the potion Weaver’s Gold which will act as a binding agent and as a way to make sure the intent is there. I would swap out the unicorn hair for the human hair in Weaver’s Gold. Otherwise, I have no recommendations until testing begins.
You asked about myself, but if I’m honest I don’t find myself that interesting. I enjoy snakes, reading, and strong cups of tea. I was a Slytherin, and my favorite subject was Arithmancy when I went to Hogwarts which was (Merlin-forbid) eons ago. I have few friends, and even less family. I’m not sure what else to say. I apologize for not having more information and for this being such a short letter. Next will be better.

Sincerely,

Vladmir

Harry,

I believe You Know Who has been writing to me. Please owl back as soon as possible.

- Hermione

Harry,

 

I believe You Know Who has been writing to me.  Please owl back as soon as possible. 

 

- Hermione

Hermione,

I apologize for the late owl; you know how the Dursleys are. Just one more week! And I would ask how you know that, but I have a confession to make. I’ve been in correspondence with YKW for the past oh I dunno, eight weeks? Nine? I’m not sure, but I don’t know how to explain. I can explain, though! Basically, I was proper pissed at the beginning of summer, and sent him a rather rude letter. I don’t even think rude covers it really. It was quite scathing. I was just so angry and couldn’t do anything. We’ve been owling back and forth, and he’s actually good company when you forget that he’s the reason I’m stuck here. I dunno it’s been nice talking to someone who understands and I’m so lonely here. He reminded me of you, though, and so I thought perhaps you would enjoy owling him. Was I wrong? I’m sorry if I was.

I shouldn’t have had him owl you…

I hope you can forgive me. Can we meet up sometime after I leave? I think we should talk about this in person.

-Harry

H. Potter 

 

Sorry about Pansy.  She’s a bit much.  I won’t say she’s harmless, but she’s currently not out for your blood so I wouldn’t worry too much.

 

D. Malfoy

 

Parkinson, 

I still dunno why you insist on calling me his sugar baby. Quit it. I will also not be continuing this correspondence as it is tedious and unnecessary. 

 

Suffer and die,

- Potter 

 

P.S. To Malfoy: Parkinson sure seems like she’s out for my blood. 

 

LV, 

 

What if I don't want to live forever? Eternity sounds lonely. They even both end with y’s. Everyone dies, and I’ve spent enough time being special for not dying that one time, so I can’t imagine never dying. I’d be even more special. The Boy Who Lived Forever sounds terrifying.

 

I would appreciate some parchment. Ink, maybe. I’m “moving out” in a week, so not too much. I won’t have anywhere to put it. I’m fairly certain I’m filthy rich, though, so I should probably see if I can rent a flat or something. I will fully admit I’ve never thought of an after the Dursley’s. I was so focused on getting to the next day that I truly never fathomed what I would actually, physically do. I’m totally unprepared, but I usually am. Winging it has mostly worked so far, so it shouldn’t go too wrong this time. I think every young adult goes through this at one point or another, so it can’t be too hard. I can just like… figure out wizarding real estate or whatever it's called. It’s probably called something stupid like domum casa searching. I think domum is Latin for house. There’s a spell for finding your house: domum dulsioma, so I’m sure it’s something like that.  

 

And thanks for the compliments on the drawings. I really tried. 

 

How do you know my life faking plan was real? Anyways if I wanted to disappear for real, you wouldn't find me. I’m very good at being invisible. 

 

I haven’t had the chance to sit down and read the books Malfoi wrote, but I will let you know by the next letter what I think. 

 

I’m sure an arterial core is rare. Everything about me seems to be odd or connected to you. My wand, my visions, my core, my life. It’s not surprising to me that I have an arterial core, and it’s even less surprising for me that you have one as well, given that I have one. 

 

Your anagram is stupid. I went to the library and checked five different languages to tell you that it’s stupid, so here it goes: 

 

 

One: The anagram is stupid

Two: El anagrama es estúpido (Spanish) 

Three: L'anagramma è stupido (Italian)

Four: L'anagramme est stupide (French) 

Five: Das Anagramm ist dumm (German) 

Six: Anagram jest głupi (Polish) 

 

 

I hope that covers that!! 

 

Ignoring what you said about me and Malfoy. 

 

Moving onto the education system. I couldn’t agree with you more. Any school that insists Dolores Umbitch the bloody awful slag is an actually qualified instructor is bonkers in my mind. 

 

I’ve learned more by teaching myself than I have in my entire Hogwarts education. I don’t know how anyone learns anything. Or maybe I’m just bad at school, but it’s not like Hermione learns much from class. She spends all her free time reading catching up to all the purebloods who seem to already know everything. I feel so behind all the time, and I know she does as well. 

 

Once the trace is off my wand, I’ll be sure to try out your tips. It seems a lot easier than just rote memorization. Turning on a faucet sounds easy.  

 

 Battle plans??? I wasn’t aware you were still plotting battle plans… 

 

I am still quite shocked that all the pureblood adults I’ve met are entirely pantsless. Not a single stitch under the robes. I couldn’t imagine.  

 

I know a lot about you, Voldemort. I know near everything there is to know about you. 

 

Now, onto answering your questions. 

 

 

• I’m a big fan of potato and leek soup. Molly makes the best potato and leek soup. 

• Worst song to listen to would probably Mr. Vain by Culture Beat. I dunno, Dudders loves that song. He plays it all the time. Makes me physically ill to listen to it now. 

• Why are you talking about the governmental system of fruits?? Also would different fruits not be different species? That would mean that each type of fruit would have different systems? Would they be like countries? 

• A gun. I would bring a gun to a duel if I could. 

• I like lined paper. It’s a lot easier to write on than plain old parchment, I’ll tell you that. 

• I would never want to be transfigured into a penguin. Can’t fly, I’m in the wrong environment. I’d just be so miserable.

 

 

I’m not sure how to end this letter, but I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

Yours, 

Best, 

Bloody hell 

Regards, 

Harry. 

Harry, 

 

I counted, and this letter should be five or so days before you leave the Dursleys. Please tell me you have a plan. And yes, I do believe we should discuss the matters in your most recent letter over coffee. Does Bungalows Cafe (80 Mare Street, London) at 10am on August 1st work? It’s a muggle cafe. 

-Hermione 

Harry Harry Harry, 

 Hope you've had a good summer. I know the Dursleys (those twats) aren’t letting you stay past the muggle majority, so I wanted to know if you wanted a ride or even a place to stay. Mum says we’d be delighted to have you if you haven’t got a place yet. I’ve missed you loads this summer. Let me know soon. 

Love, 

Ron (and Mum and Dad and Ginny) 

 

p.s. Fred and George are reading this over my shoulder and say you should definitely come at least for a short while they miss you want to discuss business proposals with you.

 

Harry, 

 

You haven’t witnessed death until you are shaking in a bunker with dozens of screaming and pissing children as bombs ransack the only home you’ve ever known, and you pray to a God you know doesn’t exist to please let you live for one more bloody day. Forgive me for not agreeing with your stance on immortality. 

 

That was cruel, I admit, but I won’t restart the letter. I’ll pick it back up when I’m slightly calmer. 

 

Real estate mostly works through the goblins. I would go straight to the bank, see if your parents left you any property, and if not, see what you can buy that is fully furnished and very isolated. It shouldn’t be an outrageous price, and I’m assuming you’re fairly wealthy. 

 

I’ve sent a bit more ink and parchment, but send a notice when you move in, and I’ll send more your way. 

 

I’m sure you are good at being invisible, but I guarantee you cannot hide forever. I will find you. 

 

Your dedication to being wrong is as admirable as it is foolish. My anagram is not stupid. I would send it in all the languages I know, but I would embarrass you. 

 

Turning on a faucet is very easy, and though that’s putting magic very simplistically, I have a feeling you will find it to be quite easy once you can visualize it. 

 

I am always plotting battle plans, contingency plans, etc. It would be un-Slytherin of me not to. 

 

When I read those sentences, “I know a lot about you, Voldemort. I know near everything there is to know about you,” I have to say. I was quite stunned. You truly know how to sweet talk a woman. But really, that’s a little excessive. You don’t know everything. 

 

I listened to Mr. Vain by Culture Beat, and I have to agree with you. Muggle music is sometimes very good, but that is not a shining example of muggle culture and music. 

I believe each type of fruit is more akin to a racial or ethnic group, and so there would be different systems similar to us in combination, working together as groups of nations. 

 

Would a gun simply not work in a duel? I have seen some rather intense American weaponry, but I can’t imagine it holding a candle to even a sword would. 

 

You have yet again neglected to add questions, but I will chalk it up to the fact your life is on a precipice. 

 

I look forward to hearing from you —with questions, this time. 

 

Forever Yours,

Lord Voldemort 

LV, 

 

You think I haven’t faced death? My whole life has been centered around death. I dream of death every night. Friends, my own, strangers. My waking moments are spent trying not to die. My truest desire is that I want to live life.  I want to travel the world, have a family of some sort, I want to love, I want to live. And part of that comes with the idea that nothing is certain and every day is a gift. 

 

Onto less depressing topics. 

 

I’m going to the Weasley’s tomorrow, and then I’ll go from there. I’m gonna make an appointment with my account manager at Gringotts and I’m meeting up with Hermione, so I do have something of a game plan. 

 

I shouldn’t really be telling you this, but I have an invisibility cloak. It’s really, really good. You can’t summon it, you can’t use any spells to find it, etc. It’s a family heirloom from my Dad, so I’m assuming it’s quite old. With it on nobody can find me. People can guess by footprints in dirt and stuff, but with a few charms I’m completely and totally invisible. I’m fairly confident in my ability to evade you for a very, very long time. 

 

I obviously haven’t been able to practice magic yet so I can’t advocate for your faucet technique, but I’m technically an adult now, by the time I’m writing this. So I’ll try it soon. 

 

Of everyone alive, I can guarantee I know the most about you. I know your entire history, which is more than most people can say. Also you’ve told me a lot about yourself through our letters. How many have we exchanged at this point? Dozens? 

 

I don’t think I ever thanked you for responding to me and actually taking my letter seriously. I really, truly, don’t think I’d be as sane as I am now without your letters to keep me company this summer. You’re very entertaining and funny and actually really thoughtful. It’s kind of insane to think about how much I look forward to your letters. Please don’t stop them, I really don’t know what I’d do without them. Without you.  Ignore that. Anyways. You’re a lot better than the whole Dark Lord schtick (is that how you spell that????) makes you out to be. I’m not sure if that made a ton of sense, but I just wanted to express my gratitude and stuff. Thanks. 

 

I’m fully ignoring your weirdo fruit nonsense question. Weirdo.

 

And for as much as you quote the dangers of muggle weaponry (like bombs) you seriously think a gun isn’t dangerous?? Didn’t you live through WWII???? I’ve seen American films and that weaponry is real crazy. I dunno how a shield charm could hold up against an automatic rifle, but I don't want to find out. 

 

Sorry I forgot to add questions the past few times. I tried to come up with some interesting ones. 

 

Questions: 

 

• Who is your favorite muggle musician/artist? 

• Do you read fiction books? Poetry? If so, what are your favorites? I have a poetry book from Remus. I’ve attached my favorite poem to this letter. 

• Has your favorite color changed? I think I liked the not-quite-blue sky at dusk right now. Peaceful. My life hasn’t been the most peaceful, so I search for it when I can.  

• What’s been your favorite decade and why? I’ve only lived through (more or less) two and I can say for certain I like the 90s more. 

• What do you usually eat for breakfast?

• Have you ever seen a theater performance before? In primary we had some actors perform some Shakespeare play and it was fairly boring, but it seems like something you would enjoy. 

 

 

Anyways, I’m all out of questions. Hope to hear from you soon. 

 

Kindly, 

Sincerely, 

With affection, 

Best, 

—Harry 

 

The poem: 

 

Under the wide and starry sky  

Dig the grave and let me lie:  

Glad did I live and gladly die,  

And I laid me down with a will.  

 

This be the verse you ‘grave for me:         

Here he lies where he long’d to be;  

Home is the sailor, home from the sea,  

And the hunter home from the hill.

 

To the Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eater Faction, 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix extend an olive branch to create an armistice. Below there are the preliminary terms of contract, the desires of the approaching faction, and the bargaining terms. 

Terms: 

 

I, Harry James Potter, formally agree to never raise my wand against Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) in battle. 

 

The Order of the Phoenix agrees to formally dissolve, but retains the right to informally meet. 

 

The same requests are placed upon Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters. 

 

Desires:

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for a permanent ceasefire. Any violence on behalf of Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) or any Death Eater is considered a deep violation of the peace treaty. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for Hogwarts to be rescinded and all marked Death Eater faculty to be removed and replaced with qualified and non-allegiant staff. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for all members of the Death Eater faction who were previously incarcerated to return and finish their sentence. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for any muggle baiting, muggle hunting, or any such violence and brutality against muggle citizens to be stopped and any further action against muggle citizens will be considered a deep violation of the peace treaty. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for the name, title, and position of the “Dark Lord Voldemort” to be retired permanently. 

 

With these terms in mind, Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for an armistice. The bargaining may begin, so mote it be. 

Harry,

 

I think our conversations on death are better revisited in person. I feel as if that topic would be best discussed over firewhiskey in a lounge late at night. It’s one of those topics that are incredibly sensitive to the both of us but for drastically different reasons. 

 

 

I can sympathise with the desire to “live” life, as you say. I disagree though, that impermanence makes something all the more beautiful. I highly doubt you have ever been to the states, but the nature preserves are like nothing else. The redwood trees make powerful wands because they are these stupendously large trees, spanning hundreds of metres, thousands of years old. The rock formations are monumental—a true testament to time and permanence. 

 

It has been a few days, so I’m presuming you’ve made some progress regarding the housing and future “game plan.” Any word on the armistice? My followers have grown antsy. 

 

The invisibility cloak you mentioned rang a bell, and so I’ve attached both the Potter family tree, the one that is public knowledge, at least, and a copy of the children’s book, Tales of Beedle the Bard. 

 

How has the faucet technique proven? Any use to you?

 

I believe the muggles call it the “mortifying ordeal of being known.” That was the feeling I felt reading your letter. Though, I should say, being known is a two way street. I would hedge that you haven’t told your friends or peers much of what you wrote in your letters to me. It’s far easier being vulnerable through parchment instead of face to face. I have ten letters from you, so I would say we’ve exchanged twenty letters in the past few months. From late May to early August, that’s a letter more than once a week. 

 

I’ve enjoyed our correspondence, Harry. I am equally grateful for the company over the summer. My goals have certainly changed because of it, I feel more clarity, and I have something to look forward to besides conquering the world. 

 

I did a little bit of research into muggle weaponry and its advancements. I didn’t pay any attention to muggle news after my graduation, and I seem to have missed a few very important advancements in the weaponry area. Namely the invention of the atom bomb and nuclear warfare. It’s stunning what atrocities muggles will commit.  

 

Onto your questions. 

 

I am partial to Debussy when I am relaxing, and Rachmaninoff has some wonderful pieces. I read very little fiction (besides my bodice rippers). If I do, though, I much prefer philosophical texts such as Kafka’s Metamorphosis. I admit that I don’t read poetry, but I did think the poem you attached was interesting even if I disagree with the theme. 

 

I much enjoyed the red of the cabernet I had last night, so perhaps that is my current favourite colour. 

 

I was a child in the 30’s, in Hogwarts or working at Borgin and Burke’s in the 40’s, so neither of those were my favourite decade. I spent nearly all of the 80’s as a wraith, so not that. The 90’s haven’t been much enjoyable either. The 50’s I travelled the world, and the 70’s was my height of power and terror, so either of those I would consider to be my favourite decade.  

 

I do not indulge in breakfast. If I must, I have a slice of toast. 

 

Thinking of it, I actually have not seen a theatre performance before. I simply never found enjoyment in it. 

 

A few questions for you are listed below. 

 

 

• What birds do you think are most elegant? Many would say swans, but that is simply incorrect. Swans are devilish creatures. 

• What is your favourite part about magic? Not spell, necessarily, more concept or item. 

• Are you partnered with anyone amorously? Or do you wish to be? 

• Are your favourite flowers still calla lilies? 

• Dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

• What landscape would you consider the most beautiful? I am partial to a tundra, but forests also hold much power, so that is equally interesting.

 

 

I await your letter patiently. 

 

With affection, 

L.V.

LV, 

 

I think I’d enjoy late night conversations with you. We’ll have to set that up. 

 

I didn’t know what about the second paragraph about impermanence that irritated me so much, so I showed it to Hermione, and these are her thoughts: 

 

“Neither of the things he mentioned are actually impermanent. Redwood trees are old and large, but they still have to grow from saplings. That’s what makes them so magnificent, their ability to grow from seeds to skyscrapers. Canyons and rock formations are made, they don't instantly form. They were made over millennia, yes, but they were formed by water: rain and oceans and rivers. They are still ever changing. Nothing in our world can truly be classified as impermanent.” 

 

What she said. 

 

On my future plans, I’ve reached out to Gringotts, and I expect to hear back from them soon, actually. I’m still with the Weasley’s and that’s been very relaxing after a summer with the Dursleys. Ron, Hermione, and I are all going to self study for the NEWTS. I will be taking Potions, Transfiguration, Defense, Charms, and Creatures. I figure it’s a little late to get a NEWT in Runes or something, and I’m not really fond enough of Divination to take it as a NEWT.

 

An armistice agreement is in the works, so be on the lookout for that.  

 

Are the Deathly Hallows real?? Do I have a Hallow??? Can the coat REALLY protect from death???? So many questions. 

 

I tried the faucet technique with a few spells and it actually was really useful. I tried it with protego and muffliato and tempus, but I overpowered them way too much, so I’ll have to learn how to make the faucet a little less powerful. 

 

The fact that wizards as a whole don’t know anything about muggles or muggle history is actually insane to me. And the fact that history class is taught by a ghost. Hermione has ranted a lot about it. Something about “people who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.” I think her parents say that a lot. 

 

Onto your questions. Some were a little weird, but I answered them regardless: 

 

• I think that swans are the most elegant birds. They mate for life and I think that’s really romantic. 

• I love the freedom I have with magic. 

• I dunno why you’re asking me about my romantic life. I’m not with anyone currently, though. Dunno how I could at the Dursleys. 

• I do still love calla lilies, but I also love the sunflowers that Luna’s family grows. They’re very pretty. 

• Milk chocolate, if I had to pick. Dark chocolate is just far too bitter, and I despise white chocolate. 

• I honestly couldn’t pick a favourite landscape, though I wish I could go to the sea. 

 

 

I only have a handful of questions for you, and they’re listed below. 

 

Sunset or sunrise? Do you have a favourite pie? What is a muggle invention you would introduce to the wizarding world? What meal are you craving right now? (Mrs. Weasley is cooking dinner and it smells so, so good.)

 

That’s all I have— I’ve been quite busy with the armistice, house buying, and NEWTS nonsense, so sorry the letter is a little brief. 

 

Can’t wait to hear from you! 

 

Affectionately,  

Harry

To the Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the associated cabal (the Death Eaters), 

 

One Harry James Potter and the associated cabal (Order of the Phoenix) extend an Olive Branch regarding the creation of an Armistice. 

 

Terms and conditions of the Armistice are as stated below. 

 

I, Harry James Potter, formally agree to never raise my wand against Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) in battle. The Order of the Phoenix agrees to formally dissolve as a cabal of political means, but retains the right to informally meet. 

 

The same requests are placed upon Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters. 

 

Desires and motivations of the Armistice are as stated below. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix call for a permanent ceasefire. Any violence on behalf of Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) or any Death Eater is considered a deep violation of the peace treaty. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for Hogwarts to be considered a neutral territory for here on out and all marked Death Eater faculty to be removed and replaced with qualified and non-allegiant staff immediately. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for a new election of a Minister to be held as soon as treaty negotiations have completed. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for any muggle baiting, muggle hunting, or any such violence and brutality against muggle and muggleborn citizens to be stopped and any further action against muggle and muggleborn citizens will be considered a deep violation of the peace treaty. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for the name, title, and position of the “Dark Lord Voldemort” to be retired permanently. 

 

With these terms in mind, Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for an armistice. The bargaining may begin, so mote it be.

Lord Potter, 

 

We at Gringotts are pleased to hear from you regarding the Potter and Black vaults. Enclosed are the titles to all the properties owned by the Lord of the Potter family and the Lord of the Black family. Please schedule an appointment at your earliest convenience to discuss with your property manager which of the houses you wish to reside in as well as an appointment with your account managers. 

 

Potter Family Vault: 

> James & Lily’s Home. 37 Lions Lane, Godric’s Hollow. A quaint family house in a wizarding area. Likely in a state of disrepair. 

> Potter Manor. Unplotted land in Ireland. The ancestral home of the Potter family. Likely in a state of disrepair. 

> Fleamont’s flat. 202 Union Street, London. A bachelor’s flat in North Southwark, London. Likely well maintained, if not empty. 

> Euphemia’s Summer Home. Unplotted land in Whitby. A lovely summer home right on the coast. Likely well furnished and in a mild state of disrepair. 

> Deerhyde Dwelling. 4 Strawberry Road, Tywyn. A small muggle home in Wales near a wizarding community. Likely well maintained and furnished. 

 

Black Family Vault: 

> Grimmauld Place. Under Fidelius charm. An ancestral family home. Likely in a state of disrepair. 

There are other properties associated with the Black family, including seven homes, two summer homes, and an ancestral manor, however many of those are occupied by other family members. Usually Gringotts has a stringent privacy policy, but as the lord of the family, you are privy to information of the residents. Bellatrix Lestrange nee Black, Narcissa Malfoy nee Black, Andromeda Tonks nee Black, Alphard Black, and the Selwyn family use and maintain the properties. Please communicate with the current residents if you wish to reside in one or more of the properties. If there are any issues, contact Gringotts, and we are able to evict the residents. 

 

Again, please make an appointment with your account manager, Yellowteeth di Ygz and the properties manager, Claysword di Trurk to move forward with selecting a home and assuming the duties and responsibilities of Lord Black and Lord Potter. If none of the homes fit your needs, the purchase of a new home is also possible, and should be a topic of discussion during the appointments. 

 

May gold flow smoothly into your coffers and fill the caverns to the brim. 

 

Ironclaw di Argore 

Director of Account Management 

Second Councillor of the King

Gringotts, Bank of the United Kingdom

 

Neville, 

I hope your summer is going well! Sorry I haven’t really written to you over the summer, but you know the Dursley’s. I was at the Weasley’s home for a while, but now I have my very own home! It’s called the Deerhyde Dwelling on 4 Strawberry Road, Tywyn, Wales. It’s a really nice little house on the west coast. The furniture is all old and dark wood—really cool. I think someone was a painter here, because there are tons of muggle-style paintings signed by S. Potter. I wanted to let you know that I’m connected to the floo network, and if you ever want to visit or floo call, I’m Deerhyde Dwelling, Wales. 

 

Are you going for your 7th year at Hogwarts? Me, Ron, and Hermione are self-studying. You also might see some strange stuff in the papers about some new political figures that might raise some alarm bells & some faculty/rules and stuff getting shuffled around at Hogwarts. If you have any questions about that, owl or floo call me! 

 

We really should catch up sometime since I’m not going back to Hogwarts. I can come over for a Hogsmeade weekend or you can floo over during breaks or something. Please stay in touch. 

 

Cheers, 

Harry

 

To one Harry James Potter and the associated cabal (Order of the Phoenix), 

 

The Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the associated cabal (the Death Eaters) take the Olive Branch, thereby agreeing to Armistice discussion and formation. 

 

The terms and conditions set are agreed upon. 

 

The agreed desires of Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix are written below. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix call for a permanent ceasefire. Any violence on behalf of Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) or any Death Eater is considered a deep violation of the peace treaty. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for any muggle baiting, muggle hunting, or any such violence and brutality against muggle and muggleborn citizens to be stopped and any further action against muggle and muggleborn citizens will be considered a deep violation of the peace treaty. 

 

Written below are the desires of Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix that Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters disagree upon. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for Hogwarts to be considered a neutral territory for here on out and all marked Death Eater faculty to be removed and replaced with qualified and non-allegiant staff immediately. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for a new election of a Minister to be held as soon as treaty negotiations have completed. 

 

Harry James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix calls for the name, title, and position of the “Dark Lord Voldemort” to be retired permanently. 

 

Suggested changes for each desire are written below. 

Hogwarts may be considered a neutral territory for here on out but marked Death Eater faculty may maintain their current positions if the Board of Governors votes to allow so. 

 

A new election of a Minister to be held after the four year term of a Minister is completed. 

 

The name, title, and position of the “Dark Lord Voldemort” shall not be retired permanently unless another possibility is given. 

 

In addition, Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters have their own desires and motivations, which are detailed below. 

 

Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters wish for the full pardoning of all marked members of the associated cabal. 

 

Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters wish that any political endeavours of marked members shall not be penalised or stopped for the sole reason of a dark mark. 

 

Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters wish that no mention of this agreement shall be posted in the papers. 

 

With these revised terms in mind, Lord Voldemort (Tom Marvolo Riddle) and the Death Eaters call for an armistice. The bargaining may continue, so mote it be.

 

Moody, 

 

I’m not going to stop LV from pursuing political angles. You forget, I have two lordships. I am more than capable of stopping him politically. Stop harassing me about the armistice. I will do as I very well please. I don’t want any more bloodshed so bugger off. If you keep harassing me I won’t let you come to more Order meetings. 

 

HJP 

 

Mrs. Weasley, 

 

I’m very sorry for losing my temper at Moody during the meeting. I’m just feeling very frustrated with how the Order is treating the armistice and constantly treating me like a baby. I know that I’m young and I haven’t lived through war, but I’m really trying here, and I feel like sometimes they’d prefer me to just duel it out with you-know-who. I am really sorry, though. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. Please forgive me. Can I still come for dinner on Sunday? 

 

Sincerely, 

Harry

Harry Dear, 

 

Of course you can still come for dinner! I understand your frustration, and I’ll speak with some of the members. I must caution, though, that yelling (as much as I too succumb to the urge) isn’t truly a way to get people to listen to you. Dinner will be at 7, this Sunday, but please come early if you’d like to help out or spend time with Ron—he misses you lots! 

 

Love, 

Molly

 

P.S. Are you settling into your new house well enough? I hope it’s not too lonely out there! You can always floo over to the Burrow if you’ve a hankering for some company. 

Harry, 

 

After the armistice agreements are finalised, we simply must have dinner together. While it vexes me how long discussions have been going on for, I understand that each party must fully agree before sending back a response. It is mildly frustrating, yes, I do understand that it may take a few months for a response. Or I may just be attempting to convince myself that it is reasonable to have started discussions in August, and still be discussing in December. 

 

I also must sincerely apologise for the large gap in our correspondence. I have been attempting a massive restructuring of my Knights, my political plans, etc. It truly is no excuse, and I hope you will forgive me. I know you are also busy, but this is the largest gap in our correspondence. Looking at the dates, you sent your previous letter in early September, so a four month gap is unconscionable. Please forgive me. 

 

While I will not argue that Ms. Granger is an intelligent and well-spoken young woman, I find myself hard pressed to agree with her philosophy on impermanence. Is impermanence not something simply long-lasting? Permanence is not the physical state of being, but rather the perception of it. We cannot see the water eroding the rocks. They are permanently etched. The erosion cannot be done. I would argue that while things may be changed, the changes made that cannot be undone create permanence. To sum: permanence is modification that cannot be reversed. 

 

I hope your new home (I presume you are not still with the Weasleys) is treating you well. In addition, I hope that the NEWTS self-studying has proven productive and fruitful. You sit for the exams the first week of May, yes? 

 

I believe that Grindelwald, my predecessor, was quite enamoured with the Hallows, so you’ll have to visit him in prison to get an accurate look at those. I highly doubt that anyone else would know much of them. 

 

History is a crucial subject that is treated with disdain by Hogwarts students. It is the most failed OWL and the least taken NEWT—even Divination has more NEWT students. Truly, it is a stain on the Hogwarts curriculum. 

 

Answering your questions: 

 I prefer the sunset. I enjoy vinegar pie. I don’t have any muggle invention I would introduce necessarily, though I do think that electricity is quite amazing. I wouldn’t say I’m craving any food right now, but I do enjoy a good pot roast, and I haven’t had one in quite some time. 

 

A few questions for you; 

 

 

• Do you wear jewellery? 

• Gold or silver? 

• What holidays do you celebrate? I don’t observe any, really, but I do perform a few rituals for the solstices. 

• Have you been to the sea lately? I desperately need to be away from my Knights, at least for a few days. I am residing in my own manor, yes, but it seems like one of them always needs something or has a question. 

• What is your most favourite gift you’ve ever received? 

 

 

Eagerly awaiting your response, 

LV

 

LV, 

 

I cannot believe you made me wait four months for a letter! While I will not debase myself and say I missed you… I believe you can draw your own conclusions. Thankfully with the new year, I believe we can finalise the armistice. Just in time to revise for NEWTS! Merlin, sometimes it’s a little bizarre. I’m studying for exams and also negotiating peace treaties. Insanity. 

 

I accept your apology, and as an informal, just between us, uncapitalised olive branch, I’m inviting you to dinner. I think the official armistice signing date is mid February, so March first, you’re invited to my home for dinner. 

 

Speaking of my home, I live in Deerhyde Dwelling in Wales, and it’s the most lovely thing ever. It has three bedrooms and two bathrooms. There are two floors and the dining room and kitchen are connected. It is simply wonderful for having friends over. There’s a big living room. Big enough that Mione said I might as well put a piano there. Right now there’s just another sofa and a bunch of plants. I have tons of plants in my house. Neville and I have been spending some time together over the hols and so we’ve been putting tons of plants in my home. 

 

First it was because he didn’t have enough space for all of them in his grandmother’s home, but then it was because he realised I liked them. Neville is wonderful! 

 

Mione and Ron helped me redecorate, and so the house is mostly blue and gold, but there are so many plants and gifts and rugs and just nonsense all over, that there isn’t really a theme anymore. I love it. I have never felt so comfortable anywhere. 

 

I got a snake. Her name is Coy and she’s a beautiful milksnake. She’s very shy and quite funny. Very good company. 

 

Studying for the NEWTS is going well. My head is swimming in theory, and I don’t think I’ve ever known quite this much about human transfiguration in all my life. I’m quite close to my animagus transformation, and I’ll let you know when I achieve it. I’ve gotten a partial transformation a bunch of times. I had antlers for a while, and one time I shifted everything except for my feet! It was very odd, apparently, to see a stag with human hands and feet instead of hooves. I can feel it, though. I’m so close. 

 

Hermione is going to send you a letter on permanence. Philosophy really isn’t my thing, but she’s all properly pissed about what you wrote. Good luck! 

 

I think the Hallows and visiting a Dark Lord in prison is a project for another day. Thanks for the tip, though. 

 

Hogwarts really needs to fix up history. Maybe you can make your pet Death Eater Malfoy Sr. fix it. 

 

Onto your answers. What on earth is vinegar pie? Electricity is pretty neat. And a pot roast does sound good. 

 

And then on your questions (which are very odd?? What are they about??): 

 

 

• I actually got my ears pierced recently. I like the look. No other jewellery, though.

• Gold. I'm a Gryffindor, obviously gold. 

• Doing rituals for holidays sounds like celebrating them. And I don’t really know either. I guess Yule and Eostre and Samhain? Not super intensely or anything. Just casual observance. 

• Deerhyde is actually on the coast! I love going to the beach even now that it’s freezing cold. Nothing a warming charm can’t fix right up.

• A photo album of my parents. Or my firebolt. 

 

 

I’m fresh out of questions since I figure we can ask them in person at dinner. Oh, wait. I do have one question, what do you want for dinner? Just owl the answer quick for that and I can plan a menu. The longer response can wait. 

 

Cheers! 

 

With affection, 

Harry

 

Harry, 

 

I would enjoy anything you cook. I am partial to cornish hens and roasted potatoes. What time should I arrive?

 

LV

 

LV, 

 

Any time after 5 would work! Bring a bottle of wine, please. 

 

Harry 

Menu: 

Cornish hens 

Roasted potatoes

Parmesan crusted asparagus 

Apple turnover 

Whatever pickles/chutneys I have (prob snow peas, radishes, and a pumpkin chutney)

…this should be enough 

Grocery list:

• Cornish hens (get 2, check butcher) 
• 5 apples
• Potatoes (maybe the colourful ones)
• Bunch of asparagus 
• parsley
• eggs
• parm?? 
• Chicken bouillon 
• Vinegar probably 

Lucius Malfoy, 

 

I am behoved to ask for your expert opinion on wines. What would pair well with cornish hens for an intimate dinner? Your discretion is advised. 

 

Your Lord Voldemort

 

To the revered Dark Lord Voldemort, 

 

I am stunned and delighted at your letter. Fear not, this humble Malfoy has just the information you need. It is often recommended to serve light to medium bodied reds with higher acid, and particularly red burgundy with chicken. I have taken the liberty of sending along several of the Malfoy cellar’s finest wines that fit such standards. 

 

Your ever most humble servant, 

The one and only Lord Lucius Malfoy

 

Hermione, 

Please help. I accidentally asked ykw on a date. I’m about finished cooking and I just realised I need help. Immediate help is required. I don't know what to wear. He’ll be here in like… an hour and a half

 

HJP

 

 

m

HARRY JAMES POTTER 

 

WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU DONE AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN THINK TO INFORM ME AT LEAST TWO HOURS BEFORE??? I AM FLOOING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE THIS VERY INSTANT. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOULD WEAR BUT I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD GIVE ME SO LITTLE TIME TO FIX UP YOUR HAIR AND EVERYTHING!!!!! 

 

SERIOUSLY RETHINKING OUR FRIENDSHIP!! NOT REALLY BUT UGH HARRY I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!! 

 

— hermione 

 

Hermione, 

 

You told me to owl you how the date went, so here goes it! 

 

I wore the deep blue robes like you said but I added some teeny tiny gold hoops instead of the studs like you suggested. V couldn’t keep his eyes off my ears, though, so I count that as a win. 

 

And oh Merlin’s beard is that man is beautiful. He wore red robes so dark they might have been black over a very loose white top. He looked like bloody Dracula. Why did that do it for me?? 

 

It must have been the red eyes. Ugh. 

 

Anyways. He showed up at a quarter past five with a fancy bottle of wine. He called it a “Châteauneuf-du-Pape” and wrote it down in case I wanted to purchase more. That’s the only reason I know how to spell it haha. I would’ve been fine with a boxed wine, but I have to admit that it tasted really good with the food. He also brought me a stunning bouquet of sunflowers that had a note attached that said, “for loyalty and longevity.” 

 

While it may be too soon to say I’m in love… the things I would let him do to me … Sorry! I know you don’t want to hear about that. 

 

The conversation was really lovely, and while it was a little awkward in the beginning, we really got into the flow of it. After we finished eating, we just hung out in the living room and I cracked open one of the nice ass bottles of liquor I pilfered from Grimmauld Place. I have no idea what it was, but he did and hummed so I call it a win. 

 

He didn’t end up leaving until way past one in the morning, and we were both properly smashed by that time. He had to floo home because he was too drunk to apparate. But before he left, and don’t judge me, Mione, I kissed him. 

 

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!! But he looked so cute! And sweet! He was standing by the fireplace, making sure he had everything, and he looked me in the eyes and really stupidly earnestly said he enjoyed our date, and he hopes to see me again. And I couldn’t take it! So I just asked if I could kiss him, and he blinked and nodded. 

 

All things considered, it was really chaste, but I think that’s because we were both a few too many drinks in. It was so sweet, though. And then he blushed and stammered and ended up leaving. I’ve never felt so giddy, Mione. 

 

UGH 

 

There are hundreds of thousands of reasons to not fancy him or let him buy me flowers or bake him an apple turnover, but Hermione, he makes me happy. And I haven’t had someone do that for me in a very long time. I love you and Ron, but you have each other, and it’s nice to have someone treat me romantically who really understands me. 

 

I feel like I’m trying to justify it to myself, but that’s my summary of the date. Sorry it’s a mess. I’m kind of a mess. Can I come over to your flat this weekend? I just need to really process everything. 

 

HJP 

 

Harry, 

 

Of course you can come over. Just floo call before you come! I’ll give you my thoughts then. 

 

- hermione 

Dear Harry, 

 

I realise it has been two weeks since we last saw each other, and I simply must start the letter by conveying how much I enjoyed our dinner together. It has been a very long time since I was simply able to enjoy dinner with someone whose company I am quite fond of. You are a wonderful cook and I hope you enjoyed the flowers. 

 

 You must send me the recipe for the pumpkin chutney. It was simply delightful. Your house is equally delightful. The clutter is purposeful, the decorations thoughtful, and it truly feels like a home. 

 

Coy was very sweet, and I see what you mean about her being shy. I could barely get a full conversation before she ran away. And after that was dinner, so I was much more preoccupied with other conversations. 

 

Given that the ink on the armistice contract is quite dry, I’ve been exploring political avenues. I’ve created a new personage unknown to everyone, even my most devoted followers. The Dark Lord Voldemort as you all know, will simply not exist anymore. I am now Meritt Vaughn Gaunt, Australian offshoot of the Gaunt family, coming overseas to claim my lordship as I have just turned one and twenty. 

 

As we discussed, I have many changes I’d like to pursue, and I truly hope we can be allies on the political side of things. Of course, Meritt Gaunt is a handsome young man, so it would not be remiss for us to perhaps… discuss legal matters over dinner. 

 

It has taken quite some time to make my backstory water tight, but I am positive no one will sense something is amiss. 

 

With NEWTs only, what? One month? Two months away? I hope your studies are going well. Have you finally achieved an animagus transformation? If so, I urge you to both register, and use that as your practical in your transfiguration NEWT. That will guarantee you at least an EE, an O dependent on your grasp of theory. 

 

I know you said you’re not interested, but once your NEWTs are over, we should pay a visit to Grindelwald. I believe it is your birthright to know of such things. 

 

Lord Gaunt has several reforms he’d like to propose to Wizengamot, but given that he is a foreigner, perhaps one Lord Harry James Potter would prefer to propose such a bill. Included would be curse breaking on the DADA position, an exorcism on the History position, and hiring more faculty such that there are multiple teachers for each subject. It is absurd for professors to be expected to teach 6 years for 4 groups. That amounts to 12 different classes per week—a simply unreasonable amount. 

 

I propose that there be three teachers per subject. One for years 1-3, one for years 4-5, and one for years 6-7. Truly, it is preposterous looking back at how overworked our poor professors are. No wonder Severus was so miserable. I too would be miserable if I was to teach twelve classes a week. 

 

While normally I would add questions below, I only have one pressing upon my mind, but I will wait until after your NEWT scores are released to pose the question. Do not fear, it is nothing that cannot wait. 

 

I await your response with bated breath, 

 

LV 

(though perhaps I should start signing with my new name, Merrit Vaughn Gaunt? I find myself wanting to have a name between simply us that has no strings attached. Not Lord Voldemort, not my father’s name, not my new one. I enjoy when you call me V. It feels new. Untainted. Enough rambling for now, though. I shall not bore you with my weariness of nomenclature.) 

V, 

 

NEWTs are administered the last week of May to the middle of June. I have a different date for most of my exams, blessedly, and I’ve written them below. 

 

Potions Practical — May 28th, 10 am

Potions Exam — May 29th, 2 pm 

Transfiguration Practical — June 2nd, 10 am

Transfiguration Exam — June 4th, 2 pm 

Defense Exam — June 5th, 10 am

Defence Practical — June 5th, 2 pm

Charms Practical — June 8th, 10 am

Charms Exam — June 9th, 10 am

Creatures Exam (this one doesn’t have a practical) — June 9th, 2 pm 

 

I believe when you were in school, OWLs and NEWTs were administered the same, but now NEWTs are the week after. I have roughly 9 weeks left until NEWTs. Frightening. Unfortunately this does mean that I will be going fairly radio silent (is there a wizarding equivalent to that?) until after we take the exams. Expect to hear back from me as soon as exams are finished. 

 

I loved the flowers, thank you so much! The preservation charm worked beautifully, so they’re still pretty and yellow. 

 

I appreciate your compliments on my home, and Coy says you’re welcome back any time. I say so as well. Though I may not be able to send you long letters as per usual, feel free to owl or flop call or stop by for a short visit for the rest of April. 

 

The education reforms you’re proposing sound interesting. We can discuss more about that after my NEWTs, but I really am interested in them. I also want to point out that primary school should be offered. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and though I’d have to take more time to properly present my thoughts, I’d like to create a primary school option for everyone, but especially muggleborn children. 

 

I dunno I’d have to give the proposal more time, but I figure Sirius would be happy to have his fortune be given to a primary school. Or if not happy, at least proud. I could spend it all on strippers and booze, I really don’t think he’d mind either way. I wouldn’t, in case you were worried. 

 

Also, Meritt Vaughn Gaunt fits you so well, it’s a little funny. Merit? According to the dictionary it means, “ quality of being particularly good or worthy, especially so as to deserve praise or reward.” And then obviously Gaunt is a family name. And Vaughn to keep the V, so it isn’t odd if I call you that. Very thoughtful, but I can’t say I expected anything else. 

 

I’m really deeply curious about your question, but I guess I’ll put it out of my mind until after my NEWTs. 

 

Please take me up on the offer to stop by, just for a little while. 

 

Affectionately, 

Harry 

Harry, 

Does the 8th at half past 7 work? I’ll bring takeaway. Does Chinese work? 

 

V 

V, 

 

Merlin, yes. You have no idea how good that sounds. Just floo over whenever. 

 

HJP

V, 

 

I’m on the last section of potions theory, and Hermione is in a tizzy because she doesn’t understand how boomslang venom can possibly have an adverse effect on the potency of slivered pine needles, but it increases the potency threefold when they’re roughly chopped. Please help. Floo ASAP!!! We have some other questions too. 

 

HJP

Harry, 

 

I’ll be over at 11.

 

V

V, 

 

When doing object/human to snake transfiguration do you think it would be more powerful if I spoke in parseltongue? Mione says that’s cheating, but I don’t even know if it’s possible. Pls help. 

 

HJP

Harry, 

 

I’m a little busy at the moment, but I can be over in time for dinner. Shall I bring takeaway? 

 

V

V, 

 

I love you so much you’re a life saver.

 

HJP

V, 

 

MERLINS BEARD I'M SORRY I CAN’T BELIEVE I SENT YOU THAT IGNORE IT 

 

HJP 

Harry, 

 

…Did you not mean it?

 

V

V,

 

No, no, no. I did. I do. That’s why it was so inappropriate of me to send it in a letter for the first time. Ugh. I’ll talk to you when you come over. Please come. 

 

HJP

I’ll be there. Don’t worry. 

V, 

 

I can’t believe my first NEWT is tomorrow. I don’t feel prepared. Ugh I’ve never been so anxious before a test before. Probably because it’s the first time I don’t have to fight for my life and instead I have to actually prove myself. Sorry for bothering you so late at night. 

 

HJP

Harry, 

 

You could never be a bother. You will do very well; you’ve been preparing intensely. Focus on getting a good night's sleep, set an alarm, and eat breakfast. You will do well. 

 

V

V, 

 

Thank you. 

 

HJP

Hermione, 

 

I cannot believe how relieving it feels to have finished our NEWTs. I don’t want to hear one question about the exams from you!! You’re invited over to Deerhyde Dwelling on June 21st at 8pm to get absolutely smashed. It’s gonna be me, you, Ron, Neville, Seamus, and Dean. Parvati said she might come & she’ll bring her sister. I think Gin might show up with Luna? And Neville’s gonna bring Hannah Abbott. A few other people might show, but it shouldn't be too much. Just bring yourself! (And some muggle liquor if you can!!!) We’ve made it!!! Yes I know it’s the day before graduation, but it wouldn’t be a proper graduation if we didn’t all get smashed beforehand. 

 

HJP

Neville, 

 

I cannot believe everyone showed up to graduation hung over. I mean everyone . Who knew all the ‘puffs partied like that?? Whatever “grass” they brought over had me messed up. I think our whole graduating class ended up in my house. I saw Malfoy puking in my bathroom. Gross. Who invited him?? Luna and Gin disappeared… to my bedroom… I’m still mad at them for that. The ‘claw Patil twin totally left with Zabini. Good for her. He’s hot. I also think Lavender and Pavarti got together? I didn't know my party was such a matchmaking event. 

 

That one blonde Slytherin Greengrass totally tried to hit on me, but Parkinson told her it was a bad idea and whispered. Then she kept bowing to me and calling me milord the whole night. It was weird. 

 

Hannah’s real sweet, and I think you two would be good together. I’m real happy for you, Nev. Even if I’m positive she stole one of my plants. Can she please give it back??  

 

I was also told I tried to floocall Meritt Gaunt… I can’t remember if he ended up coming over, and I’m far too embarrassed to ask him. Mione won’t say, and Ron just keeps laughing every time I bring it up. 

 

You’re my only friend, right now. 

 

Please help. 

 

HJP 

Harry, 

 

…Do you really not remember? You floocalled Lord Gaunt crying, saying how much you missed him and how much you wanted to kiss him and hold his hand and cuddle—your words not mine. He ended up coming over, like a good boyfriend, and he kicked everyone out. I think it was like 2am or so when he came over. There were only like 15 or so stragglers (plus Luna and Ginny in your room). He kicked them out and then the rest of us. Ron got Hermione home—she was so trashed. Hannah, Susan, and I left together. The ‘claws (minus Luna and Padma) left together, and I don’t know what else happened. 

 

I bet he took good care of you, though! You were clinging to him like a koala, muttering all about how much you love him. I didn’t know you were together, but I’m glad you’re with someone who’s treating you right! 

 

When me, Susan, and Hannah left, we all went to Susan’s place, and us and a few other people (Dean, Seamus, Ernie, Sue Li, and Tracey) smoked some more. That’s why we all looked so rough. 

 

I had a great time, though, and I hope your place wasn’t too messed up. 

 

Hannah said sorry, and that she’ll drop off the plant tomorrow around noon. She’ll pop it through the floo I think from my place. 

 

Congraduation! 

Neville 

Neville, 

 

Morgana’s tits. I can’t believe that all happened. Thanks for being my one true friend. Besides Hermione. Apparently she was just too blackout to remember anything and didn’t want to admit it. Tell Hannah thanks for the plant. 

 

HJP

Harry, 

 

No worries! And will do.

 

Neville

V, 

 

I really don’t remember much of the party, but thank you so much. I appreciate it, even if I’m rather mortified. 

 

HJP 

Harry, 

 

There is very little I wouldn’t do for you, Harry. And if that means fending off drunk graduates and putting you to bed, well so be it. Perhaps let me know you’re having a party, though, so I am a little more prepared next time. And that I’m not in my sleep robes kicking out girls from bedrooms in precarious positions. 

 

V

 

V, 

 

Still. Come over tomorrow at 7 and I’ll make us an apology dinner. Does steak frites sound alright? 

 

HJP

Harry, 

 

It sounds wonderful. 

 

V

Ron, 

 

I hope you’re faring well. NEWTs come out tomorrow. How is Hermione doing? I don’t want to owl her in case she panics and thinks it's the ministry. 

 

HJP

 

Harry, 

 

Not well. It was good you didn’t owl. She’s stress baking. She’s never done it before and she’s awful at baking. She won’t let me help, though. I might need to owl my mum. Stay safe. And don’t you panic either! We all did very well, I’m sure. I hope. Ugh. 

 

Ron

 

Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test Results for one Harry James Potter 

 

Pass Marks: O (outstanding), EE (exceeds expectations), A (acceptable)

Fail Marks: P (poor), D (dreadful), T (trollish) 

 

Care of Magical Creatures — O

Charms — O

Defence Against the Dark Arts — O

Potions — O

Transfiguration — O

 

Notes from the Examiners: While the number of subjects taken are certainly not impressive, Mr. Potter, you are one of the most astonishingly powerful wizards we have had the pleasure of examining in a long while. The combination of the Patronus charm, the fully reversed animagus transformation, and raw duelling talent thoroughly impressed the examiners. Congratulations, and good luck. 

 

Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test Results for one Hermione Jean Granger

 

Pass Marks: O (outstanding), EE (exceeds expectations), A (acceptable)

Fail Marks: P (poor), D (dreadful), T (trollish) 

 

Ancient Runes — O

Arithmancy — O

Astronomy — O

Care of Magical Creatures — EE

Charms — O

Defence Against the Dark Arts — O

Herbology — O

History of Magic — O

Potions — O

Transfiguration — O 

 

Notes from the Examiners: Ms. Granger, you are an incredibly impressive witch and your grit, talent, and intelligence is highly admirable. Your perfectly brewed Polyjuice Potion as well as perfect marks on the Ancient Runes and History of Magic exams thoroughly impressed the examiners. Congratulations, and good luck. 

 

Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test Results for one Ronald Billius Weasley

 

Pass Marks: O (outstanding), EE (exceeds expectations), A (acceptable)

Fail Marks: P (poor), D (dreadful), T (trollish) 

 

Charms — O

Defence Against the Dark Arts — O

Muggle Studies — O 

Potions — EE

Transfiguration — EE

 

Notes from the Examiners: In contrast to many wixen, you demonstrate a deep passion and knowledge for muggle studies and a brilliance for Charms. While you only managed a partial animagus transformation, your Patronus charm was bright and powerful.  You have thoroughly impressed the examiners. Congratulations, and good luck. 

Hermione, 

 

Head over to my place ASAP!! 

 

HJP 

 

Ron, 

 

Come over to my place as soon as you can!

 

HJP

 

V, 

 

I am finally, finally free from NEWTs!!!! I made O’s in all my subjects!!!! I’ve also copied down the examiner's note. I’m especially proud of it: 

 

“While the number of subjects taken are certainly not impressive, Mr. Potter, you are one of the most astonishingly powerful wizards we have had the pleasure of examining in a long while. The combination of the Patronus charm, the fully reversed animagus transformation, and raw duelling talent thoroughly impressed the examiners. Congratulations, and good luck.”

 

Mione got 9 O’s and one EE. Ron got 3 O’s and 2 EE’s. We’re all very happy with our scores. 

 

Now. I can finally ask. What was your question??? 

 

HJP

 

Harry, 

 

The question I want to send will be in a separate letter. I have to make some arrangements. I believe congratulations are in order. 

 

V

V, 

 

Now I’m so curious??? When will I know???

 

HJP

To Harry James Potter, Lord Potter, Lord Black, Vassal of House Weasley: 

 

I, Meritt Vaughn Gaunt, Lord Gaunt, Lord Slytherin, request formal permission to court you with the intention of marriage. 

 

To prove that my desire is pure, motivated only by love, I have sent along three gifts. 

 

An everlasting bouquet with letter attached; 

A necklace of gold, embellished with rubies; 

 

A swan of chocolate; 

 

Please take these gifts and accept my request to court you. 

Dearest Harry,

 

I have started and restarted this letter countless times, and I’ve finally pinpointed what I can’t say.  I wish to qualify you into a little box, perhaps compare you to lilacs or paper cranes, but I find myself unable to pick.  You are both freshly ironed button downs and damp earth underneath my feet as I walk through fields of wildflowers.  I have numerous associations for you; from the clinking sound of brassy coins to the curlicues of steam from piping hot tea.  Everywhere I look, something will remind me of you. 

 

I wonder what you associate with me. As you are a burning wick to me, am I the melting wax to you? Or would I represent something far different, something I couldn’t even think of.  I hope you think of me, as I think of you. 

 

So I will keep looking at the world through glasses tinted by you, as absurd as the notion might sound, but the happiness it elicits in me has no par.  For everything is better with you in it.  You have bewitched me, body and soul. 

 

Will you let me court you? 

 

Ardently yours,

V

 

Lord Meritt Vaughn Gaunt, 

 

Yes, yes, a thousand times over: yes. 

 

Yours always, 

Lord Harry James Potter Black 

 

Draco, 

 

Guess who knows something you don’t! 

 

Pansy

Dearest Pansy, 

 

What are you talking about? 

 

Yours, 

Draco

Draco, 

 

The (retired) Dark Lord is getting married! Well, he’s courting Potter. But with the intention to marry. So I’m basically right. 

 

Pansy 

Pansy, 

 

He WHAT??? Come over right now. 

 

Draco

 

To the Moste Esteemed Lord Gaunt, 

 

May Draco and I pretty please with sugar on top help with planning the wedding? 

 

Heiress Pansy Parkinson

Parkinson, 

 

I’m obviously the one planning it. He hasn’t proposed yet, though, so tell him we can plan when I have a ring on my finger. 

 

Potter

p. s. We can discuss planning later. You’ll have to talk with Hermione. 

Hermione, 

 

You and Ron need to come over right now. 

 

HJP