Chapter Text
It was Bumi that noticed it first. He had been the one to bring it to Lin's attention and now she was kicking herself for not making sure he was really alright especially after what she had dealt with after Amon. Bumi had seen him freeze up when he had sparred with Opal showing her how to do a move. Luckily Bumi had been around to see it. Tenzin had managed to dodge at the last second but Bumi had fought with his brother a million times. He knew that Tenzin hadn't moved with anywhere near the speed he should have and had been left motionless until it was almost too late. Tenzin, of course, had brushed off his brother's concern but Bumi had been concerned enough to tell Lin about it. Now here she was watching Tenzin teach with Bumi beside her.
"He hasn't sparred or fought or anything since we got back." Bumi told her. "Not that I've seen at least. At first I thought he was just healing and didn't want to push it. But now…" He let the thought trail off but Lin knew what he was thinking. But now it made sense that he was actively avoiding sparring as to not trigger… something, a flashback?
"You take over teaching." Lin told him. "Act like something official came up." she told him as they walked towards them. Tenzin stopped looking at his wife and brother questioningly as they approached.
" 'friad Bumi's taking over the class." Lin said by way of greeting. "Something came up, We need to go." she spoke to Tenzin ignoring the new airbenders around him.
"What? Surely-"
"Hey, this isn't how I wanted to spend my day off either. Come on Tenz, I'll explain on the way." Lin said turning promely on her heel and walking away trusting that Tenzin would follow her. He did, trailing after her for a little while before catching up to her with his long stride. Lin led them towards the stables. Tenzin had been quiet thus far, probably expecting her to offer up the information to him and she normally would but she wanted to wait until he was on Oogi before fighting with him about this. She hadn't been lying this wasn't how she wanted to spend her day off. She had been through her own struggles with trauma, shellshocked they called it. But she had been decently sure that he hadn't experienced any symptoms until today from his run in with Zaheer. It had been two month since Zaheer's defeat granted Tenzin had been too hurt to fight for the first month but she had been so sure. Or at least she had been hopeful, he had been spared from the pain she had experienced.
They were sitting on Oogi's head side by side before Tenzin's curiosity finally got the better of him. "What came up?" he asked her.
Lin had been trying to figure out exactly what to say since she had talked to Bumi. Big emotional conversations were not her strong suit. "We're going up to the mountains. I need to talk to you." She said knowing that wouldn't satisfy him.
Tenzin turned to look at her confused. "I don't understand. Why did you pull me out of that class? What is this about?"
"I'm worried about you." Lin said glancing over at him to see his brow furrow with confusion. "Bumi and I are worried that you can't fight." Lin said bluntly, deciding ripping of the band aid was the best choice.
About ten different emotions flashed across Tenzin's face. "What?" he asked. Lin only raised a questioning eyebrow at him asking silently if it was true. Tenzin sighed. "How did you figure it out?" he asked quietly looking down.
"Bumi saw you and Opal. You froze when she bent at you. He told me." Lin told him simply.
"I'm fine Lin." Tenzin told her.
Lin snorted. "Yeah I think I said that too." Tenzin inclined his head at her quip and went silent; they were approaching the mountains now and landed. No one was around, that's why Lin had chosen this spot.
"I really am fine Lin." Tenzin continued to protest after they jumped off Oogi.
Lin crossed her arms. "Really?" she challenged. "Then why didn't you tell me?"
Tenzin sighed. "I didn't want to worry you. It's nothing meditation can't fix." he told her.
Lin looked at him skeptically. She weighed her options, she really wanted to see it for herself but purposely hurting him emotionally wasn't something she wanted to do. "What happens when you try to spar?" she asked.
"I freeze up sometimes. Lin, it's nothing. Meditation, opening my chakras and clearing any negative energy will solve this." Tenzin said too assuredly.
Lin wasn't really buying about all of that but knew he had a better idea of what he was talking about than her. No, it was his nonchalant almost bravado like brushing off her concern that bothered her. "Then you'll try to spar with me?" She asked.
Tenzin nodded. "Sure"
Lin could see the glint of uneasy or even worry in his eye. That made her grit her teeth at going through with the offer though. They dropped into their fighting stances, circling each other slowly. Lin wasn't going to attack him first. Tenzin knew that and sent an air blast at her that she easily dodged and then ducked the follow up attack. She sent a rock at him and then just stood there watching. Tenzin did freeze. Lin saw how flat footed he suddenly stood and how it was like someone just hit the pause button on him then just in time his eye got wide and he managed to get out of the way just in time. Lin ran over to him.
"Are you alright?" She asked, concerned.
"Yes fine." Tenzin said, catching his breath. Tenzin must have seen the doubt in her eyes because he said, "Lin, really. Let's go again. I need to get through this, I know I can."
"Hand to hand" She offers. "No more bending not until you can do that."
He nods. This time Lin lunges at him first grabbing his left wrist and shirt. He doesn't freeze this time. If she was nitpicking she would say his reaction was a little slow especially since she didn't do anything but grab him. Tenzin broke her grip on his shirt and tried to twist his hand around to grab her but she darted out of the way and he had to spin fast on his own heel to keep her from getting behind him. When they were young they had often wrestled together especially before they got together. It was an excuse to be together, it became a sort of foreplay after they started dating. Tenzin struck out with his leading hand testing the waters, Lin slapped it away. She threw her own jab at him and Tenzin lunged at her. He grabbed the loose tunic she was wearing and threw his weight down and to the left dragging them both to the ground. That he should have known was a mistake unlike him Lin had actual training in ground combat. Lin went with him and pulled her knees up to push him away from her as soon as her back hit the ground. She used his momentum to flip them again so that she was on top. She pinned him and then saw that he froze again. There was a glassy look to his eyes that told her he wasn't with her in the moment.
She sat back shaking his shoulder slightly, "Tenzin."
"I'm fine." He told her blinking but his voice was dry and he had lost his early confidence.
"No you're not." She said rolling off him. "Tenzin-"
"I'm fine, Lin." Tenzin told her standing up next to her. "Like I told you it's a work in progress but-"
"No but Ten. You can't fight me without freezing up." Lin argued not having it.
"I was fine for awhile."
"Yeah until I pinned you." Lin rolled her eyes at him.
"Well, you're quite distracting, you know that." He said, stepping closer to her. His eyes are glued to her lips now and he slowly leans into her and kisses her. Lin lets him and gently kisses him back. But it's not enough for him she can tell right away by the way his fingers dig into her hips. Their kiss becomes heated and she goes with it. Part of her knew she should push him away, that it wasn't health right then and there. That they should talk- that he needed to talk. But she doesn't, she lets him deepen the kiss and pushes the worries and concerns to the back burner. Later, later they can talk about it.
Later is the problem, she doesn't talk to him 'later'. In fact she barely sees him because of a huge fire that she had to go supervise and doesn't get home until spirits know what hour of the morning. Tenzin lets her sleep in the next morning. She is aware of him getting out of bed and kissing her temple before leaving but she is too tired to respond. By the time she does wake up she's running late and has to run to the ferry. He then quiet deftly avoids her until late that night. She blocks him when he tries to retreat to his study after cleaning the kitchen.
"No, We need to talk." Lin says stepping in front of him.
Tenzin's gaze fell when she called him out. "Okay" He said and let himself be led to their room. Tenzin sat down slowly on the bed and Lin pulled the chair from the corner of the room to face him. They faced each other silently waiting for the other to make a move. The few feet separating them seemed like a vast chasm in front of them.
"What's going on Tenzin?" Lin asked, breaking the silence. Tenzin couldn't bring himself to look at her. He didn't understand the feeling of uneasy and shame he felt. He knew better to feel either with Lin. It was Lin, he didn't care about any weakness with her and knew she would be there regardless. Yet here he was hiding his problems and avoiding her. "You were the one pushing me on this." Lin reminded him gently after he didn't respond.
"I don't know." Tenzin admitted to her rubbing his hands over his face. "I can't explain it. I just freeze up. I don't know."
"Is it like what I had with the nightmares and flashbacks?" She asked softly.
"Not really I just remember and freeze up. It's not a full flashback or anything, just the memory." Tenzin tried to explain to her.
"Then maybe it is the same." Lin said gently.
"But I haven't had anything else, no nightmare or any other changes other than I can't fight." Tenzin sighed. He had been trying to work this out for the better part of two weeks now and couldn't find an explanation. Well, one that he liked that is.
"You said it yourself, Tenzin. It's different for everyone, your trauma and the aftermath is different than mine." Lin said softly.
"I know. I'm sorry." Tenzin apologized, shaking his head. "I don't know why it's hard for me. I understand the healing process is long and challenging." he explained. It was annoying because he knew all of this and yet he still could quiet make those facts fit inside his head. He knew it was the flaw of human nature but it didn't make it easier to accept.
"Because you've never had to deal with that Ten." Lin shrugged. "I saw people die before, I killed before. You've never been forced into making that choose."
Tenzin looked down studying his hands. Lin was right, she was the one regularly dealing with life and death. He knew there were at least five or six things that she remembered badly. Haunt was too strong of a word but he knew that if she suddenly seemed to go to a dark place it was one of those memories. He on the other hand had spent much of his life dedicated to non violence. Still he had fought before but he hadn't killed anyone or even serious injuried anyone. "But why?" He asked her. "I don't have anything to regret."
"It's not about regret, Ten. You can do everything right and still not be able to stop it or save someone." Lin said quietly.
"But then why? I'm not scared of zaheer. I would have done it again and again. Hell, half the airbenders tell me I should be proud. That it was heroic. I don't have anything to haunt me." Tenzin said. He had been protecting the air benders that meant a lot to him and Korra who he had grown to love and Lin who he would do anything for. He would do that again and again if he had to.
Lin was looking at him with a sad look in her eye. "Doesn't matter." She shrugged. "It's never made me feel any better or anyone I know."
"No one else died. I have no reason to have survivor's guilt." Tenzin added. That was one of the first things that had popped up when researching explanations. "I've mediated on it and I can't see what's holding me back." he huffed out in frustration.
Lin bit her lip and moved her foot back and forth slightly. Both tells that Tenzin knew meant she was nervous or worried about something. "Are you ready to die?" She asked finally. She said it so matter a fact that he was taken aback.
"What?"
"You said you don't have anything to haunt you, well you came pretty damn close to get beat to death. So are you ready to die?" Lin said watching him too closely all of the sudden.
"I-'' he stuttered. "I would have been okay with dying if it meant you and Korra and the new air benders survived me, Lin." He told her softly.
Lin's face soured. "Don't say that, I'm not ready for you to leave me." she muttered looking away from him.
Tenzin reached out a leaned forward to take her hand and pull her out the chair to him. "I'm right here and I don't want to go anywhere. Just you and me always." He half whispered looking up at her.
"You and me." Lin repeated resting her hands on his shoulders. "That's how we're going to work through this. I don't know how yet but we'll go as fast as you want." She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. Tenzin let his eyes drift close. He couldn't help but worry she was wrong and he wouldn't be able to move past it like she had been able to do with the nightmares. After all she was stronger than him in a lot of ways.
"Don't think that." Lin said sharply knowing what he was thinking. "You will get through it. Besides you were the one that said, 'Time heals all wounds.' right?"
Tenzin laughed and ducked his head nodding. "Yes my dear. I did." he chuckled. "Have I told you how much I love you."
Lin smiled down at him. "You can always tell me again."
"I love you, to the moon and back." He said kissing her softly.