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It began with a burning behind his eyes.
No matter how hard Merlin tried, it wouldn’t go away. It was not because of lack of sleep, he’d actually had been resting well, which was a miracle of itself considering his hectic life in Camelot.
No, this felt as if… when you wanted to cry, but the tears would not come.
Merlin had actually tried to force himself to cry to see if it would alleviate the burning, but not even with the small droplets he managed to get out, the ache will not go away.
Gaius wasn’t able to give him answers either.
“Are you sure you’ve been sleeping well?” his mentor asked as he inspected Merlin’s eyes, “Your sight looks sort of glazy”
The raven hummed in response.
“I have”
The physician pursed his lips.
“Perhaps it’s been for working near fire” Gaius muttered, “Have you visited Gwen at the forge and stood too close to the hearth? Or even banked the fireplace in Arthur’s chambers while being in close proximity?”
Merlin frowned, thinking hard.
“I don’t think so” he admitted, “I’ve barely been to Gwen’s house lately, and I always try to get the fire in Arthur’s chamber going by magic when I can”
“Which I still think it’s stupid of you” the physician scowled before sighing and pulling away, “I can’t see anything wrong with your eyes, Merlin”
“But you just said they looked glazy!” the raven exclaimed with exasperation.
“Perhaps it means you’re getting sick” Gaius replied as he turned to look for a tonic, “You always do look teary eyed when you’re about to catch a cold”
“And I also feel extremely dizzy and exhausted, which I haven’t experienced” Merlin said, biting his lip with nervousness, “This isn’t a cold symptom, Gaius” he whispered, shutting his eyes as he felt the burning begin again.
Annoyed, he pressed the heel of his hands onto his eyelids, trying to alleviate the ache for a bit before opening them again.
His mentor looked worried too.
“When did this start, exactly?” Gaius asked, walking to his books, “And don’t you dare hide anything”
Merlin let out an indignant sound, but winced as the Eyebrow of Doom™ rose in his direction.
He sighed.
“I-” the raven looked away, “WhenArthurstartedtocourtGwen”
“What?”
“When Arthur started to court Gwen” Merlin mumbled, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment.
“Oh, my boy” Gaius said with a soft voice. The raven winced, he really didn’t want the pity in his mentor’s tone, “But I thought Arthur had broken the courtship” he added with confusion.
“I thought so, too” the warlock admitted in a small voice, hating how the burning seemed to intensify with his sadness, “But they been spending a lot of time together again, and the last time I was around Gwen’s house I saw Arthur leaving, but not before placing a kiss on her cheek. He looked flustered”
“It might have been nothing” his grand-uncle tried to console. But Merlin shook his head.
“I know what I saw” he said, “And even if it had been nothing, the next day Gwen went to Arthur’s chambers and when I came in they were talking about flowers, picnics and favorite foods”
And it had hurt watching that exchange. After the King had broken up the courtship, Merlin could have sworn he and Arthur had gotten closer, enough for the warlock to hope-
“He’s taken her back” Merlin whispered, resigning himself to the stinging behind his eyes, “I was just having wishful thinking if I even thought-”
He cut himself off, crying out when he felt the tears fall from his burning eyes.
It-
It had hurt.
Tears weren’t supposed to hurt when they fell!
Shocked, Merlin was further thrown into confusion when he heard a twinkling sound under his feet, like crystals do when they collide against each other.
Looking down, the raven found that there were shattered glass fragments by his feet, and was further thrown into unsettlement as more painful tears fell-
As tiny crystals.
Like the ones on the floor.
Making the same sound-
Merlin managed to catch one, numbly taking in the shining little glass.
“Gaius?” he asked, trying not to panic, “What-?” he looked to the ground again, where the shattered crystal lay, and to the small drop on his hand, “What’s happening to me?”
“Maiden, Mother and Crone” Gaius whispered, face pale. Merlin felt a stone of dread on his stomach as he took in the tone of fright in his mentor’s voice.
The physician turned back to his books, taking out the ones Merlin knew that contained information about magic, scanning through them with near desperation.
The warlock, in the meantime, tried to dry any stray tears he might have on his face, and was further shocked to discover that there was no evidence of wetness on his cheeks, no residue moisture on his eyes except for aching behind his eyelids.
A sharp intake of breath from Gaius’s side brought his attention to his mentor, who’d seemed to finally find what he was looking for.
“As I suspected” the physician said, sounding older than he was, “Star Tear Disease”
“What?” Merlin whispered as he walked to Gaius’s side to look over the text.
‘Star Tear Disease.
Magical illness that is born on subjects suffering of unrequited love, in which the patient will start to cry glass tears which gleam similar to stars; therefore the name.
Along with the tears, there shall be present a crystalline sound when a tear shatters on solid ground.
Although not deadly, the disease is dangerous as it affects the victims eyes, first by making them turn color blind until-’
He felt his breathing hitch.
‘Until eventually, the victim shall lose their sight forever.
No cure is known’
Merlin rose his head to stare at Gaius, shaking his head in denial as he felt overcome with distress.
“No, no” he mumbled, “This can’t be- I can’t!” he cried out, “There has to be a way to prevent this!”
“You just saw by yourself, my boy” the physician said sadly, “And you have also admitted to feeling this way ever since you saw Arthur and Gwen courting” he shook his head, “There’s no treatment. No one has ever founded it, not even the most powerful of the sorcerers. It’s too late”
The raven felt like screaming.
He always knew falling in love with Arthur meant having his feelings unrequired.
But this-
This was cruel.
“What-” he struggled to breathe, feeling tears forming in his eyes again. He angrily tried to keep them back, “What do I do now?” he brokenly whispered.
Gaius walked over to him, engulfing his nephew in a strong hug.
“Appreciate the world while you can still see it” he murmured in Merlin’s ear, who could only keep shaking his head in denial.
“I don’t want this” Merlin said, “What of my destiny? What will I tell everyone when I no longer see? I can’t say that my magic has turned against myself because I fell in love with someone who doesn’t return my feelings!”
“We’ll figure something out” Gaius replied, “But for now-” he broke the hug to properly look at the raven, “For now, just enjoy the little things”
They both tried to ignore the new twinkling sound that was falling of Merlin’s eyes.
Just because you know that you’ll eventually go blind and there’s no cure for it, doesn’t mean that Merlin tries to find some way to save his eye sight.
He tries looking over his books on magic, all the ones he can find. Nothing.
He tries the Druids, but they can only shake their heads at him with sorrow and murmur condolences.
He summons Kilgharrah, and the fucking dragon has the audacity to laugh at him once Merlin finishes explaining his dilemma.
“Ah, young warlock” Kilgharrah said once he’d come down from his fit, “I’m afraid no one will be able to help. This is ancient magic, triggered by mere human emotions. The disadvantages of mortals”
“But there has to be something! Anything!” Merlin screamed with outrage, blinking back the burning in his eyes, “You’ve been around for centuries! Surely you must know!”
“I’m afraid not” the dragon replied, giving some sort of shrug, “Ancient magic triggered by ancient emotions can only be cured by ancient magic and ancient emotions”
“Could you please make sense for once in your life” the raven hissed.
“I’ve given you all the answers you need” and with that said, Kilgharrah took off.
“YOU DIDN’T SAY SHIT!”
Eventually, Merlin resigns to his fate.
He reads all the books he can get his hands on, hating that the little crystals will prevent him from enjoying one of his favorite escapes-
He follows Gaius’s advice, takes time to memorize every single thing he can see.
Merlin takes into memory his friends faces, Gwaine and Leon’s facial hairs and beards; Percival’s broad figure and gentle face; Gwen doe brown eyes and warm smile; Elyan’s looks of concentration as he works on the forge; Arthur golden hair and sapphire eyes, the glint of chainmail, the shimmer of golden crowns-
The raven also happens to find a small flower clearing which possesses his favorite flowers, the forget-me-nots, alongside an assortment of peonies, roses and lavenders with a great view of Camelot’s castle.
Merlin begins taking daily walks onto the forest so he can admire the castle from the distance, trying hard to commit in his mind the white stone and the red flags with the golden dragons and the shapes and colors of the nature around him.
He sneaks into the small little haven so much that Arthur follows him one day, looking completely exasperated as they met just when Merlin is returning home.
“Are you sneaking off to see a girl, Merlin?” the blond asks with a strange tone the warlock can’t put a finger on.
“No” Merlin answers as he begins the trek back into the citadel, listening to the King follow soon enough.
“You don’t have to lie to me, Merlin” Arthur says, placing his arm over Merlin’s shoulder, “Tell me all about her”
“There isn’t a girl, sire”
There’s a boy, and it just happens to be you, the raven thinks to himself, resigning himself to the eventual burning behind his eyes.
They sting with more vigor every time he thinks of Arthur.
Or talks to Arthur.
Or sees Arthur and Gwen together.
The maidservant lately leaves the King’s chambers with a pleased face.
It’s a miracle no one has noticed the fallen crystals in his eyes by this point.
“Merlin”
The tone in his dear friend’s voice make him turn.
Arthur is looking at him with worry, and gods, that not the look on the blond’s face that he wants to remember.
“What’s bothering you?” he softly asks, “You been acting strange lately”
Merlin looked away.
“Nothing’s wrong” he whispered.
“Please don’t lie to me” the blond begged, “You been bumping into things more than usual, as if you didn’t see them in the first place. Your choices for my clothes have been unusual- you tried to convince me into wearing a gold and white outfit just yesterday, claiming it was blue and black-”
The raven stilled.
“I did what?” he asked in small voice, trying to conceal his growing horror.
No, no, no-
“You confused the colors in my wardrobe” Arthur stressed out, “I even heard you compliment Guinevere’s new pink dress-”
“Because it was-?”
It was pink, Merlin was absolutely sure it had been a soft pink-
“Merlin” the blond’s voice was concerned, “It was green”
The warlock’s breath hitched.
Color blind.
Now it was only a matter of time-
“Guinevere is concerned for you as well” the King kept on saying, seemingly oblivious to the raven’s distress, “We’ve been discussing postponing the announcement as you seem unwell-”
“Announcement?” Merlin asked in a faint voice.
Oh gods, had Arthur proposed to Gwen?
“Er-” Arthur now looked nervous, “Can you forget I said that? It was mean to be a surprise-”
He had.
He must have.
Merlin couldn’t see why the King would be asking to keep it a secret at the moment. Perhaps they had wanted to be a big reveal-
“I have to go” he said, turning away at he began to feel the tell-tale painful tears wanting to fall.
“Merlin, wait-!”
But the raven ran away, unaware that his starry tears had begun to fall until he arrived home and was made conscious of the horrible sound that was following him.
Merlin couldn’t help but be horrified at himself.
Here he was, speeding up the process.
The warlock wanted it to stop, didn’t wanted to cry anymore-
And yet the tears of heartbreak kept on coming.
Everything goes to the seven hells a sennight later.
It’s the bandits fault, really.
It’s always the fucking bandits fault.
Merlin has been struggling lately with his sight, bumping and stumbling more than Arthur had complained the last week, and today he’d woken up with a blurry vision-
And yet that didn’t stop him from managing to spot the bandit with the bow and arrow, pointing at Arthur-
He doesn’t hesitate to stop the arrow in midair.
The whole forest seems to go silent.
“Merlin” Arthur’s voice was monotone, his face an unreadable blur, “What the fuck was that”
Merlin swallowed.
“I think you know” he whispered, trying to blink some focus onto his sight.
He faintly swears to see Gwaine (or perhaps is Leon?) approaching him, but the King stops them.
“You’re a sorcerer?”
Merlin can’t help but flinch at the tone in Arthur’s voice.
Cold.
Dreary.
Indecipherable.
“Yes”
“Since when?”
“All my life” Merlin answered, pressing the heel of his palm onto his eyes as they began to burn again, “I was born like this- I’ve only ever used it for you, Arthur-”
He took away his hands-
And his breath hitched.
He-
The warlock couldn’t see anything.
“No” Merlin whispered in horror, trying to rub at his eyes to blink out the blackness, “No-no, no, no-”
He sobbed, heaving as he felt more of the crystalized tears burning out of his eyes.
It was all darkness.
Faintly, he was aware of the surrounding Knights yelling as the tears fell onto the ground with their cursed sound.
“The fuck?!”
“What’s wrong with him?!”
“Merlin?!”
The distressed raven wept harder as he felt Arthur shaking him.
“I’m blind” Merlin said in a quiet voice, feeling broken, “I’ve gone blind”
The Star Tear Disease had finally won.
Merlin doesn’t remember the ride back to Camelot.
The warlock had gone into such a state of numbness that he doesn’t even recall if someone talked to him or shackled him as they journey back onto the citadel.
What he does registers, however, the horses’ hooves clicking on the stone ground, the Knight’s dismounting and-
A familiar pair of callused hands gently taking his and guiding his steps onto the castle.
“You’re taking me to the dungeons?” Merlin asked with a tired voice. If he was to die, at least he wasn’t going to see the disgust in everyone’s faces.
The silver lining to blindness, he supposed.
“What?”
Was it him or did Arthur’s voice sound horrified?
“No, you idiot!”
“No?” the raven questioned with confusion.
“I’m taking you to Gaius so he can fix you-” the King said in an angry tone, “And later we can have a proper conversation about my servant being a sorcerer all along!”
Merlin abruptly took his hands away from the hold, feeling just done.
“Gaius can’t help me” he said, hating how his eyes felt like burning again, “No one can help me”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin-” now Arthur’s voice sounded nervous, “Surely you must have accidentally done this to yourself with whatever was that magic trick you just pulled. Gaius will fix it”
If he weren’t feeling so miserable, Merlin would have laughed, because how could Arthur be so right and so wrong at the same time?
“You’re welcome to try, my lord”
The thing about becoming blind is that his hearing seemed to define itself better, because no matter how much Merlin tries to block all sound, he can still hear the frenetic murmur of the conversation between the Court Physician and the King of Camelot.
He doesn’t know what they’re talking about, exactly, but he has a good clue of it. He’s even sure that Gaius is telling Arthur the real reason why Merlin’s suddenly gone blind.
It’s further confirmed when he hears the door to his room being slammed open, Arthur’s loud footsteps a prelude to his desperate voice.
“Who is it, Merlin?” the King asked, almost wild, “Who’s the one you love? Who did this to you?!”
Merlin simply snorts with unamusement before turning his head to the direction the voice is coming from.
“Even if I told you” he began to say, “You can’t fix it”
“Hell yes I can!” Arthur shouted. Merlin could imagine his face, brows furrowed and lips thin.
“You can’t” the warlock repeated, “There’s no cure, Arthur” he swallowed, “Believe me when I say I looked everywhere”
He turned away, feeling his eyes burn with a new wave of tears.
“I wish to be alone now” Merlin whispered, sensing the glass fall, “Please go away”
“Merlin-” he felt a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off.
“Please, Arthur” Merlin begged, “Leave me alone”
The twinkling and his sobs lull him to sleep.
Merlin refuses to leave his room for a fortnight.
People visit him, bringing condolences about his sudden ‘curse’ (he glared in Gaius’s direction when Mary from the kitchen came to see him and bemoaned it) and small gifts.
Gwen and the Knights come to visit too, regardless of their knowledge of his magic.
“You’re our friend”
“Yeah, and you’ve probably saved our lives lots of times, Merls”
If he cries again, no one mentions on it.
Arthur’s visits are the most comforting though.
He never comes bearing sadness for Merlin’s lost sight, instead he comes with questions and to cheer the raven up better than anyone else.
They have quiet conversations about the warlock’s magic and all he’s done for Camelot.
The King thanks him profoundly.
Merlin smiles shyly in return.
By the time the fortnight is about to become three weeks, Arthur barges into the raven’s room and announces that they’re going for a stroll.
“But I can’t see where I’m going” Merlin said, frowning as he searched for his shoes, finding them by the edge of his bed.
“I’ll be your eyes” the King said.
Call the warlock mad, but he swears Arthur is smiling.
Almost hesitant, the raven lets the King take him by the hand, clutching the callused palm like a lifeline as the royal begins to lead the way far off, as the warlock can’t hear the busy citadel and the stone beneath his feet; having been replaced by grass.
“W-Where are we going?” Merlin asked as Arthur kept pulling at his hand through the forest.
Or at least he thought it was the woods. Merlin doesn’t think the royal gardens have this amount of bushes and singing birds.
“You’ll see”
“Hilarious” Merlin deadpanned.
“Sorry” Arthur said, squeezing his hand, “I- I forgot”
The raven hummed, silently accepting the apology for the slip.
They keep walking in silence, the King guiding him all the way, telling him when to crouch down or be careful with his step as they went through a stone path-
Until they finally came to a stop.
“Arthur?” the warlock probed.
“We’re here” the King announced at the same time he took hold of Merlin’s free hand, guiding his feet again for five short steps, “What can you hear?” Arthur nervously asked.
Merlin closed his eyes in order to concentrate, focusing on his magic.
The ground was soft under the sole of his shoes, the air sweet with the scent of different flowers, the distant rumble of a river…
“Did you take me to a clearing?” Merlin inquired, not being able to hold back the small smile on his lips while he heard Arthur chuckle.
“Yes” he felt his hand be gently squeezed, “But do you recognize this one?” the King softly asked.
The warlock tilted his head.
He couldn’t notice anything different at first, but then he caught the scent of the flowers again and gasped softly when he managed to recognize the aroma.
Lavenders, forget-me-nots, peonies and roses.
They were at his favorite clearing.
Arthur had taken him to his favorite spot in the forest.
“I didn’t understand at first why you were sneaking here so much” the King said, voice strangely coy, “But then- you went blind and Gaius explained- and I understood”
Merlin swallowed with difficulty.
“I wanted to remember this place well” he admitted as he sat down, “I’ve always liked it”
“It’s a beautiful place” Arthur admitted, the faint rustle of plants being moved indicating that the King had also followed the warlock onto the ground, “You have good taste”
“I’ve always had good taste, my lord” Merlin said with a wry smile, “You just happened to notice it a little late”
Arthur laughed.
“I also brought you hear to properly talk”
“But I thought I cleared all your questions about magic?”
“This isn’t about sorcery” Arthur said, voice sounding grave, “It’s about a horrible misunderstanding that has cost you your sight”
What?
What misunderstanding was the King talking about?
“Beg your pardon?” Merlin asked.
“It took me a while to figure it out, Merlin” he felt a finger cart away hair from his forehead, “But now I know I owe you a bigger apology”
“Arthur, you’re not making any sense”
“You got the Star Tear Disease because you’re in love with is me-” the King began to say.
Merlin stilled.
“And you thought I was in love with Guinevere”
“You are” Merlin said in a weak voice, “I saw you both, it was too obvious Arthur-”
“You couldn’t be more wrong” Arthur’s voice was sorrowful, “I was asking her for advice in courting you”
The raven’s breath hitched.
Surely-
Was this-
“Is this a jest?” Merlin brokenly whispered, “Because if it is, Arthur, you can go to hell. It’s not funny!” he cried.
“I swear that it’s not” Arthur hurriedly replied at the same time the raven felt callused hands cupping his face, “Merlin, I swear to you that I am not being cruel to you. I love you”
The warlock shook his head.
This was too good to be true-
“The announcement that I wanted to make” the King murmured, “It was going to be a picnic, just the two of us. I was going to bring all of your favorite foods and bring you your favorite flowers, and then I would confess my feelings for you”
And Merlin began to think back to all of the things that made him jealous of Gwen’s spending time with Arthur-
And realized that the King was telling the truth.
“Arthur-” he whispered, feeling his eyes burn again-
Merlin felt a pair of soft lips pressing at his own, and he couldn’t help but gasp softly at the kiss before shyly returning it.
He could feel Arthur’s smile through it, and the warlock couldn’t help but return it, not caring for the new starry tears that were falling off his eyes.
These, however, didn’t hurt, for they were not of heartbreak.
These were of happiness, and Merlin could cry them forever for all he cared.
Even the sound of breaking crystals seemed to have go away, replaced by a noise that seemed to be of a drop of water meeting a creek…
When the King and the warlock began to run out of air and separated, Merlin opening his eyes slowly, not caring if he was not going to see anything-
And gasped.
Arthur, cheeks flushed and looking delighted, was staring at him with tender eyes and-
He-
He could see.
“Merlin?” the King murmured with worry as he took in the shocked state of the raven.
“Arthur” Merlin whispered, feeling a smile of joy forming on his lips at the same time the blond inhaled sharply, “Arthur, my eyes-”
“-Are cured” Arthur finished with awe, cradling the warlock’s face to further inspect as hope shone in his eyes, “And- Merlin, your tears-”
Confused, the raven brought his fingers to his cheek, and was surprised to feel something wet on his skin; drawing back, he gasped again in shock.
Gold.
His tears had turned to gold.
“Ancient magic” Merlin mumbled, remembering Kilgharrah’s taunt, “Ancient emotions”
He laughed in delight, turning to look at his beloved and throwing himself at him, kissing Arthur again.
“Not that I’m complaining” the King said, smirking, “But what was that one for?”
Merlin smiled.
“A thank you” he replied, kissing Arthur’s cheeks, brow and lips once more, “For loving me enough to break a curse”
“Well then” the King whispered, “Just to be sure one more time-”
Merlin’s laugh was drowned by the fervent new kiss Arthur placed on his lips.