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Chapter Text

Ava bounced her knees in nervous anticipation as she stared out the window, watching the dense forest pass by in blurs of greens and browns and yellows and patches of blue as the rental car wound down the mountain pass. Lake Tahoe sure was beautiful in the late months of summer, but Ava was less focused on the nice scenery and more on what was waiting for her at the end of the road.

Beatrice.

Ava glanced over at Mary in the driver’s seat, watching Mary’s head bop in time with the music playing from Ava’s Spotify playlist as she sang along softly to Want You Back by Haim. Mary’s phone, which was attached to the dashboard, had Google Maps open showing that they were still 17 minutes away from their destination with chances of light traffic up ahead.

It had been a long day of travel so far. Ava and Mary had woken up at the ass crack of dawn and jumped in an Uber from their apartment in Somerville (well, it was Mary’s apartment technically; Ava was more of an extended house guest) to Boston-Logan to catch their 5:23 am flight to Nevada. But, that 5:23 am flight soon became a 6:15 am flight due to some delays or other….and then became a 7:35 am flight…and then a 9:07 am flight… and just when Ava was nose deep in researching real witches she could hire to cast a curse upon United Airlines, they finally boarded their plane and took off. It was only four hours late but, whatever.

Mary, who had bullied Ava out of the window seat and into the middle seat on the plane, slept the entire flight, no problem. Passed out before they had even reached cruising altitude. Ava, however, was way too anxious to sleep, let alone focus on anything really. She switched from attempting to read her book (she was rereading One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest for like the fifth time), to listening to podcasts (she was currently enthralled with My Favorite Murder), to browsing through the little magazine the airplane supplied each passenger (where she was annoyed that the Sudoku puzzles at the back had already been completed by a previous passenger), to leaning over Mary so that she could peer out the window to the ground far below as they flew across America. The five-and-a-half-hour flight felt like it took an eternity, but it came to an end eventually.

Once they landed, around 1 pm west coast time, Ava followed Mary around the Reno-Tahoe International Airport until they reached the rental car service. Mary sent Ava to wait outside with their bags while she handled the paperwork, then they were skipping through the parking garage to the dark orange Kia Soul they had been given for the next week. Mary stared at the car in disgust, but Ava happily jumped right in, plugging in her aux cord and kicking her feet up on the dashboard for the hour-long drive from the airport to Tahoe.

This was the best time of the year, in Ava’s opinion.

It was tradition every year for Ava and her friend group to all get together from wherever they resided in the world for a retreat of sorts. It was one thing Ava could always count on; just her, her five best friends, and more mischief than any of them could really manage. Ava had missed the retreat last year when she was abroad in Australia for work, but the trip to Spain two years ago still resonated deep within Ava as one of the best times of her life. To be honest, Ava actually couldn’t remember most of the nights in Spain due to the amount of alcohol she had consumed, but she knows for sure that she had a good time based on the pictures she would find on her phone every morning when she woke up again (her favorite being one of her and Mary scaling the sides of an abandoned church well after midnight. No one knows how they got to that church, why they were there, or who took the photo, but the evidence was there all the same).

This year, in an effort to save money, Lilith had offered to host their yearly retreat at her parent’s lake house in Incline Village in Tahoe. It had been a no brainer, really. One week of warm weather, swimming, campfires, alcohol, and friendship (and time off from work) was exactly what Ava needed right now to break up the monotony of the 9-5 grind she had been on since starting at her position as a digital marketing manager at a fancy tech start-up based in the Boston area. It was a pretty high-profile job for Ava to have landed, with her being only twenty-six and all, but the days could be long and difficult and even though it had only been a few months Ava was already starting to feel burnt out from her nonstop work. If there was one thing Ava struggled with (there were actually many things, but for the sake of time we’ll just focus on this one for now), it was being satisfied with a set routine.

Ava hated to be stagnant. From a young age, she had always been on the move. She was constantly searching for new adventures and always had a hard time settling in one place for too long. Ava thinks this restlessness of hers stemmed from growing up at the orphanage after her mom was killed in a car crash, where everything had been the same day in and day out, despite Ava’s boundless energy. It was completely monotonous, and Ava had despised it. The one bright spot during those earlier years was the scholarship Ava had won that allowed her to attend Areala Academy for most of high school, an all-girls private school that became Ava’s escape from the orphanage until she was old enough to age out. Areala Academy was challenging, sure, but Ava got by. And the school was where she had met Beatrice and Lilith, who quickly became two of her very best friends.

When high school came to an end, Ava, along with Beatrice and Lilith, accepted spots at a university in Boston. So, after graduation, it was off to Bean Town. Ava actually ended up studying abroad for the first year of undergrad, so she spent her freshman year in Dublin, Ireland, where the legal drinking age was 18 and the bars stayed open unnecessarily late, even on school nights. Ava would be the first to admit that she didn’t get much of an education while she was abroad, but she sure had a good time. And she met Mary there, as they were in the same study abroad program, so that was just an added bonus.

Once Ava (and Mary) returned to the states, she threw herself into her studies to ensure she graduated on time and with a good-standing GPA. While Ava wasn’t often the brightest crayon in the box, she was actually great when it came to academics and had plans to attend grad school once she received her bachelor’s degree.

Which she did. After finishing her undergrad, Ava attended a one-year master’s program in media communications from a small school in New York. And upon earning that degree, Ava got an offer as a contracted digital marketing intern for a Consulting and Product Development company based in Australia. So, Ava packed her bags once more and spent the next year working in Sydney while backpacking around the continent whenever she could get time off of work. Once her contract came to an end, Ava headed back to Boston to crash with Mary while she planned out her next move.

Mary, who was living with her girlfriend Shannon, had a master’s in social work and was now employed as a case manager for children, adolescent, and family services. Mary had spent most of her teenage years bouncing around from group home to group home, so she had a deep understanding when it came to troubled youth and was determined to help kids in need. Mary and Shannon had met their senior year of college and have been together ever since. Shannon was currently a law student at Boston University, and the two had had a long-distance relationship for a while when Mary was off in Philadelphia getting her master’s degree. But once her program had ended, Mary moved back to Boston and the couple now resided in a small two-bedroom apartment in Somerville, which was close to both Mary’s office and Shannon’s campus.

Originally, one of Shannon’s classmates in her law program had roomed with them to help with rent. But, a few months ago, that classmate moved out after abruptly dropping out of law school without a trace, leaving a spare bedroom open in Mary and Shannon’s apartment, which Ava has happily claimed as her own for the time being. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement while Ava job hunted and made some decisions about what she wanted to do with her life next. She ended up getting hired pretty quickly by a small tech start-up in Boston, though, and the opportunity (and starting salary) was too good to pass up, so her temporary stay at Mary and Shannon’s had since become a more permanent situation (Mary wouldn’t admit it but she was glad Ava had decided to stay. Ava made the apartment a little less lonely on those nights when Shannon stayed on campus late).

Back in the car, Mary was glancing surreptitiously at Ava from the corner of her eye as Ava’s hands drummed against her thighs.

“You good, Ava?” Mary asked. “You’ve been unusually quiet since we started driving.”

Ava chewed on her lip as she reached over to turn the music down a little. “I haven’t seen Beatrice in over a year.” She said. Her anxiety was reaching new heights now, feeling like an itch that she just couldn’t scratch. She rubbed her palms against the tops of her thighs, trying to quell the nerves bouncing around her insides at the thought of seeing her again. “You don’t think she’ll still be mad at me, do you?”

“I thought things were okay between you two?”

Ava shrugged. “When we talk on the phone or over FaceTime, things seem fine. We seem fine. But…I don’t know why I feel so nervous all of a sudden.”

Mary looked over her shoulder as she switched lanes. “Hey, look, there’s nothing to worry about. Just be yourself and try not to overthink things. It’s Beatrice; she always turns a blind eye when it comes to you.”

Ava nodded, but really didn’t feel much better. “I hope you’re right. We only have seven days here and I don’t want to waste any of the time that I have with her.”

Mary pulled off the main road and on to a small dirt path winding through the trees. The ground gently slopped down, and it wasn’t long before a quaint cabin appeared, and Mary was bringing the car to a stop in the empty driveway. Ava’s eyes widened at the cabin, loving the rustic look but also knowing how modern it was likely to be on the inside. While the cabin was narrow, it had two stories and a large wrap-around porch, not to mention the trail behind the house that led down to a private beach on the lake. It was the perfect little getaway.

Mary turned the car off but turned in her seat to face Ava before getting out. “Whatever happens this week, Ava, I’m right here for you.” Mary wasn’t often sentimental, but she always seemed to know when Ava needed a more compassionate approach. “As much as I love Beatrice, I’m always rooting for you. Okay?”

Ava took a deep breath, exhaling quietly through her teeth. “Thanks, Mary.” She said, and she felt a little bit better after that.

Camila and Lilith, who had arrived in Tahoe earlier that morning, came running out of the cabin as Mary and Ava got out of the car.

“It’s about time!” Lilith said as Camila pulled Ava into a tight hug before doing the same to Mary. “We were expecting you to get here hours ago.” Camila’s curly black hair was much shorter than the last time Ava had seen her, but her beaming smile was wider than ever.

“Our flight was delayed.” Mary explained once Camila released her. “It’s been a long day.”

Ava shouldered her bag and walked over to where Lilith stood at the top of the driveway, cheekbones sharp and silvery hair blowing softly in the wind. “Sup loser.” Ava said, going for a high-five.

Lilith rolled her eyes and smacked Ava’s hand before wrapping an arm around Ava’s neck in a head lock and playfully mussing her hair. “Good to see you, dumbass.” Ava laughed as she pulled away. Her friendship with Lilith had always been a strange one, but they loved each other deep down.

Lilith and Camila helped Ava and Mary unload the car before leading them into the cabin, which looked even nicer than Ava had expected. The first floor had an open and spacious kitchen and living room with a large island bar, a cozy fireplace, and floor to ceiling windows in the back to give a perfect view of the lake below. Ava took a moment to gape at the view, marveling at the sight of the forest and lake stretched out before her.

“It’s nice right?” Lilith asked, coming to stand beside Ava. “I used to love coming here as a kid.”

Ava shook her head in wonder. “It still surprises me sometimes to think about how different we grew up. You got to have all this, and I was in an orphanage.” Ava nudged Lilith in the side. “Why do all the good things happen to bad people?”

“Oh, ha ha.”

Camila came up to Ava’s other side, slipping her hand into Ava’s and squeezing tightly. “Well, you get to have all this now.” She said softly. “Come with me upstairs and I’ll show you your room!”

There were four bedrooms in the cabin, one downstairs (that Lilith and Camila had already claimed as their own) and three upstairs. The bedroom to the left was Beatrice’s room (or so Camila said), the middle Mary took for herself and Shannon once her girlfriend arrived (Shannon would be flying in to Tahoe in two days’ time, as she was currently at a conference for law school in Chicago), and Ava was left with the bedroom on the right. It was simple, with cream white walls and a large queen size bed in the middle and an antique-looking armoire against one wall. There was a wide window directly across from the bed, offering another magnificent view of the lake and surrounding mountains, which Ava appreciated greatly. Tying the room together was a strange and somewhat creepy oil painting of an octopus that hung above the bed, but Ava kind of liked it. Ava tossed her bags onto the bed, shoved her phone into her shorts pocket, then headed back downstairs to rejoin her friends.

Mary and Camila were seated on barstools at the island in the kitchen, and Lilith was leaning against the counter across from them. Ava hopped up on to the counter beside Lilith, while she admired the stainless-steel appliances the kitchen was graced with.

“So, how’ve you been, Ava?” Camila asked once Ava was settled on the countertop. “Lil and I haven’t seen you since you left for Australia.”

“It’s been lovely, really.” Lilith joked, and she had to jump away to avoid Ava’s punch to her shoulder.

“I’ve been good,” Ava said, looking back at Camila. “But you know that already. We FaceTime at least once a week.”

Camila smiled. “Sure, but knowing you, anything could’ve happened since our last call. Crash any weddings lately?” She teased.

Ava laughed at the reminder as she fondly remembered a quaint wedding she had stumbled upon on a beach in Yamba, a small coastal town in Australia. She hadn’t meant to crash the wedding, but the family of the bride welcomed her with open arms, and it had turned into an unexpectedly wonderful evening.

“How are you two doing?” Mary asked, pointing between Camila and Lilith. “You just moved into your new apartment, right?”

Camila nodded, smiling widely. “Yes! Just two weeks ago. It’s so much nicer than our last apartment. We’re no longer in the basement, there are no leaks in the ceiling, and we have in-unit laundry now! Which let me tell you, I am never going without again.”

Lilith laughed as she ran a hand down Camila’s back. “We get a lot of natural light, too, which is also a plus. And it’s a closer commute to work for the both of us.”

Ava felt warm as she watched her two friends talk about their new home together. Lilith and Camila started dating back in their third year of college. Camila had joined their friend group sophomore year after Beatrice had met her in one of the classes they shared, as they were both majoring in International Studies. After a year of awkward flirting and tiptoeing around their mutual attraction, Lilith finally stepped up and asked Camila on a date, and the two have been together ever since. Lilith, who had studied Political Science, moved with Camila to DC after graduating from college. They both landed jobs in the government, as Lilith was working in public relations and Camila got an internship with the FBI (yes, the goddamn FBI) for analytical work (the same position that Beatrice was hired in just a year later after she completed her master’s degree. Ava’s friends were really fucking cool). While it was hard to go without seeing two of her closest friends every day, Ava was happy that Camila and Lilith had each other and that their relationship was still going strong.

But it was the third friend who currently resided in DC that Ava was most excited to see (and who had been strangely absent in the lake house thus far).

Ava swung her legs from where she sat on the counter, her heels softly clicking against the cabinets below her. “So…where is Beatrice?” She finally asked, glancing between Camila and Lilith. “She flew in with you two this morning, didn’t she?”

Camila nodded. “Yeah, we were on the same flight. Beatrice and Teresa volunteered to drive into town to pick up groceries and drinks for the week, bless them. They left about an hour before you two got here, so they should be back soon.”

“I wish they would hurry up.” Lilith grumbled, glancing at the clock on the stove. “I’m starving.”

“A drink sounds amazing right now.” Mary said longingly as she got up from the bar and headed to the fridge. “Lilith, what kind of cocktail mixers does your family have here? Think there’s anything we can use for margaritas?”

But Ava wasn’t listening anymore. She was still stuck on something Camila had said.

“Who’s Teresa?” Ava asked; a sinking feeling in her stomach.

The conversation dropped off suddenly, and there were nervous looks passed back and forth between Camila and Lilith. Mary stopped rummaging through the fridge and leaned against the counter, a curious look in her eyes as she watched the scene unfold.

Lilith hesitated when she turned back towards Ava. “You don’t – Beatrice never told you?” Ava raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms as she looked at her and Camila.

“Beatrice never told me what?” Ava could feel her own panic rising in her chest as Lilith twiddled her thumbs and Camila wouldn’t look her in the eye. “What’s going on? Who the fuck is Teresa?”

It was Camila who finally answered, after one last glance at Lilith. “I can’t believe she didn’t tell you…” Camila’s expression changed to one of pity as she broke the news to Ava. “Teresa is Beatrice’s girlfriend.”

Oh.

Chapter Text

Teresa is Beatrice’s girlfriend.

The kitchen was dead silent as all eyes rested on Ava, waiting for her to react to the news. Ava didn’t know what to think. Didn’t know how to process what she just heard. Didn’t know how she could’ve missed that her best friend in the entire world was seeing someone else.

“That can’t be right.” Ava finally said, her voice laced with confusion. “I just talked to Beatrice three days ago and she never mentioned anything about a girlfriend.”

Camila and Lilith were doing that thing again where they stare at each other and have a silent conversation.

“Ava…” Camila looked like she wanted to be anywhere else but there in the kitchen explaining the situation. “I know we’ve mentioned Teresa to you before. Bea and I work with her; she hangs out with us outside of work all the time.”

Ava did have some vague memories of Beatrice talking about some of her other FBI work friends during FaceTime calls in the past. “You don’t mean Teresa from Accounting, do you?” Camila nodded in confirmation. “Beatrice is dating Teresa from Accounting?”

“They’ve been together for, what, three months now?” Lilith said uncertainly.

“Four, I think.” Camila corrected. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way, Ava. I really thought you already knew.”

But Ava hadn’t known. She hadn’t known at all.

See, Ava hated to be stagnant. She hated monotony and routine. But the one thing she had always been able to rely on, one thing that has never wavered ever since the day they met, had been Beatrice. Beatrice was a sure thing. Beatrice was Ava’s one point of stability. But Teresa from Accounting? That was a curveball Ava had never even seen coming. It was one thing for Ava to seek the unpredictability of life, but it was another thing all together for Beatrice to have a girlfriend that wasn’t Ava.

***

A lot has happened in the 11 years that Ava and Beatrice have known each other.

They started as most friends do; awkward and excited and all-around complete opposites of each other. Ava couldn’t get enough of Beatrice.

Beatrice’s family was a wealthy one. They came from old English money and had the estates and distinguishments to prove it. Beatrice’s parents were cold; void of affection, hard to please, and mostly absent throughout Beatrice’s life as they were constantly travelling as diplomats. But with their absence came freedom, which Beatrice reveled in. They never paid much attention, and so Beatrice had been able to live her life the way she wanted. It was fascinating for Ava to get to know Beatrice; to hear about all of the places she had been and all of the things she had seen, only to realize that it really was possible for someone to have everything and nothing at the same time.

For Beatrice, Ava was like her saving grace. She was a splash of color in Beatrice’s otherwise darkened world. While Beatrice had been relatively popular among her peers, it was only once she met Ava that she no longer felt alone.

They met in detention of all places (how very Breakfast Club of them). Beatrice had been going through a ‘rebellious’ phase and skipped class to read on her own in the Areala Academy courtyard (and that was about as rebellious as Beatrice ever got, if we’re being honest), while Ava got in trouble for being fifteen minutes late to her Algebra class (but in her defense, it was only her second day at the school and she just couldn’t find the classroom. And, unfortunately, the school administration was not lenient to students who couldn’t read a campus map). It was a harsh punishment, but it was meant to happen. It brought Ava and Beatrice together.

In detention, Ava felt drawn to Beatrice as Ava watched from across the classroom, where Beatrice was immersed in her own little world while she read Homer’s The Odyssey. Ava kept creeping closer to Beatrice, moving from desk to desk until she sat almost next to the other girl. Beatrice never even looked up once; not until Ava made a comment about how hypocritical Odysseus was for expecting Penelope to wait for him while he was off screwing every woman he came in contact with, mortal or not. That simple comment sent the two girls in a lengthy discussion about feminism and women portrayal in literature, and that had been that. They were bonded for life over their disgust of gender inequality, and Ava had finally made a friend worth keeping.

They fit together, Ava and Beatrice. Like two halves of the same whole. Polar opposites yet somehow scarily similar. Ava was pulled in by Beatrice’s mystery; her calm and her quiet and her soft heart that was just looking for someone to crack her open (and Ava was more than happy to be that someone). Beatrice was pulled in by Ava’s charm and her wild abandon. Ava was fearless. Ava was untethered. Ava had nothing to lose (but a part of Beatrice wished she had realized earlier on that she was never an exception to that rule).

They started dating two years later, when they were 17 and finishing their junior year of high school. After months of bad flirting and wondering if Beatrice was feeling the same electricity as Ava did every time they were around each other, they finally made the move to be something more. Ava could picture their first kiss so clearly, like it was forever implanted in her brain. Beatrice had borrowed her dad’s car for the evening, and they drove out of town to ‘the point’ (as the kids called it). It was just a lookout spot up in the hills that the local teenagers would frequent to escape from their town and smoke weed without getting caught. But Beatrice and Ava were the only two out that night as they sat on the hood of the car and talked while the sun set and the stars came out. Beatrice told Ava all about her dreams (of becoming someone her parents would be proud of, of not caring what her parents thought of her in the first place, of finding a place of her own to call home) and about her fears (of becoming someone exactly like her parents, of never being good enough for anyone). Beatrice looked so sad, and unbearably beautiful, and Ava couldn’t stop herself from kissing her. That first kiss was rushed and messy, but it felt right (and still felt right, even years later).

Their transition from friends to girlfriends was easy, natural even. Ava loved being Beatrice’s girlfriend. She loved that Beatrice, who was always so reserved, would be so open when she was around Ava. She loved that Beatrice would pull away from contact when it was with anyone else, but that she sought out Ava’s touch. She loved that Beatrice never pretended to be anyone but her authentic self when she was around Ava. They were young, but they were in love. And it was easy.

At the same time, however, it was hard to be Beatrice’s lighthouse.

They decided to attend the same university after high school, and while Ava was thrilled that she would get to spend the next four years with Beatrice, she was also feeling…stuck. Ava was a wanderer; boundless. So, when Ava wanted to be single when she went abroad during their first year of college (because Ava really just needed to go), Beatrice let her, even though it hurt. Because while they loved each other, they both knew that Ava wasn’t ready to stay. Not yet. (And they had agreed early on that they would always be best friends, no matter what their relationship status was).

Ava went to Ireland with reckless abandon, where she kissed boys and girls until she realized that one-night stands were nothing compared to being with Beatrice (and maybe starting to realize that having someone to keep her grounded wasn’t the worst thing in the world). Ava was only half-way through her study abroad program when she made a promise to Beatrice that as soon as Ava got back to the states, she would work hard to win Beatrice back.

Which she did. It took another year before Beatrice was willing to fully let Ava back in, but it was Ava (and Beatrice was only so strong). Ava was walking Beatrice home one Friday night after an evening of bar hopping when, true to Boston’s unpredictable weather, it had started downpouring. They ran the rest of the way to Beatrice’s apartment, splashing through puddles and laughing hysterically as the rain got heavier and heavier. Once they reached the outside of Beatrice’s building, they were both soaked through and smiling widely, cheeks red from their run and feeling intoxicated (a little on alcohol, and a lot on each other). This time it was Beatrice who closed the distance first, drawing Ava into a searing kiss as the rain continued to pelt down around them. It wasn’t rushed, and it wasn’t messy. It felt inevitable; like they really should have been doing this the whole time (Ava didn’t return to her own apartment for the rest of the weekend).

While Ava may not have fully known what she wanted in life, she knew that she loved Beatrice (and Beatrice would have been lying if she said she hadn’t been waiting for Ava to come back to her when they were apart). Their relationship picked up right where they left off. But this time, it felt different. Maybe because they were just a little older and just a little wiser, but mostly because it all seemed very permanent.

(But Ava was never good with permanent.)

Three years and a lot of school later, and Ava was stuck again. Things were good, great even, but Ava still felt like something was missing. Something that she needed to find before she could really be happy. Beatrice should have seen the signs earlier. She should’ve been able to see how Ava was drifting away; how Ava was struggling with the state of her life. Because they were older now, but Ava was moving. Ava was always moving. Even after all of their time together, Ava still wasn’t ready to stay (she had always been reckless, but Beatrice didn’t think Ava would be so careless when it came to Beatrice’s heart).

Beatrice shouldn’t have been shocked when Ava announced she was going to work in Australia for a year. But she was. Because Beatrice had just started working at the FBI and was ready to settle down and build the home she always wanted, and Ava was taking off once more. For the record, Ava never intended for her year-long stay in Australia to be the cause of her and Beatrice to break up. She never intended to hurt Beatrice with her decision (but she did anyways. Beatrice had all of the patience in the world, but it was impossible to chase Ava when Ava didn’t want to be caught).

They went three months without talking. Three long, painful months for both parties.

Ava was confused (she was always confused) because her heart ached to be with Beatrice, but also to be as far away from normalcy as she could get. Australia was great; exactly what she needed while she figured out what she wanted to do with her life. But there was still something missing. There was always something missing.

Ava bridged the gap between her and Beatrice while she was abroad after having too many drinks at a bar in Melbourne and feeling all too much. Beatrice answered the phone on the second ring, and they talked until Ava stumbled safely back to her hostel and passed out on her assigned bed, with Beatrice’s voice still ringing in her ears. Beatrice never pushed Ava away (because it was Ava (and Beatrice was only so strong)). They fell into a routine where they would talk on the phone when Ava was going to bed and Beatrice was getting ready for work in the morning. And they would talk some more when the roles were reversed. Because they may not have been together, but they were still (and always would be) Ava and Beatrice. They didn’t work without each other.

It was on a camping trip through the Grampians that Ava really considered what it was that she wanted, as she lost herself amongst the earth and the trees and the wild marsupials. She had spent her entire life searching for something that she just couldn’t seem to find. But maybe it was time to stop running (maybe it was time to pay attention to what had always been right in front of her).

Maybe it was time to stay.

***

Beatrice tapped her fingers against the steering wheel as she drove the winding mountain roads back to the lake house. The trunk and back seat of the rented Subaru were full of bags of food and cases of alcohol that would hopefully last them most of the week before they needed to make another shopping trip (but knowing their drinking habits, they would most likely need to do another alcohol run sooner than that).

Beatrice glanced at the passenger seat where Teresa sat, humming softly along with the radio and staring out the window contently while she carefully braided her long brown hair over her shoulder. As if feeling Beatrice’s gaze, Teresa turned to meet her eye, giving her a small half smile.

“I can’t get over how beautiful it is out here.” Teresa said, gesturing at the landscape. “It sure blows DC away, don’t you think?”

Beatrice nodded her agreement, but her mind was elsewhere, still back in the parking lot of the BevMo they had stopped at where Beatrice had received a text from Camila.

Camila [3:56 pm]: You didn’t tell Ava about Teresa?? Gee thanks Bea, that was a real fun conversation to have. You owe me big time!

Ava knew.

It was only a matter of time, considering Beatrice had brought Teresa with her to the lake house and all. But still. Ava knew.

It wasn’t like Beatrice had been intentionally keeping it a secret or anything. Sure, she never outright told Ava that she was seeing someone else, and conveniently never brought Teresa up in conversation once they had started dating. And yes, she also failed to mention to Mary that she was seeing someone because she knew that Mary would tell Ava. But it wasn’t a secret. Definitely not. Had Ava asked her if she was seeing anyone, Beatrice would have told her all about Teresa. But Ava never asked, so it was perfectly fine for Beatrice to fail to mention her new relationship, right? Beatrice knew avoiding the conversation until the last possible moment was the wrong way to do things, especially when it came to Ava, but –

How was Beatrice supposed to tell Ava, whom she had loved for a decade, that she didn’t want to love her anymore?

(She still did. Of course, she still did. She just really wished she didn’t.)

Beatrice was distracted from her thoughts when she felt Teresa’s hand softly squeeze her thigh, and she tried to relax her tense muscles as they pulled into the lake house driveway, coming to a stop behind an ugly, orange Kia Soul (Beatrice had to stifle a laugh as she pictured Mary driving that car). Well, it was time to face the music. Ava was so close, Beatrice could almost feel her presence already, and she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t excited to see her again. Beatrice took one last deep, calming breath, before getting out of the car and starting to unload the groceries, eyes peeled for the face she craved to see (even if she really shouldn’t feel that way anymore).

-

Ava paced back and forth on the porch in the back of the lake house, her footsteps creaking softly against the wood and her hands wringing together anxiously.

“I can’t believe this.” Ava said (again). “How can she be dating Teresa from Accounting? She works at the goddamn FBI and she chooses to date Teresa? From Accounting? How could she not tell me that she was seeing someone? We talk all the time and she never even once thought to mention that she had a girlfriend! Was I supposed to just figure that out myself? Was no one going to say anything to me? What do you know about this, Mary? Beatrice must have said something to you.”

Mary, who was leaning against the porch railing while she listened to Ava rant and ramble, shook her head. “This is the first I’m hearing about any of this, I swear.”

Ava sighed and slumped down onto the steps of the porch, burying her face in her hands. “This is not how this week was supposed to go.”

Mary sat down on the steps next to Ava. “Can I ask…what were you expecting to happen this week?”

Ava wrapped her arms around her knees, pulling them into her chest. “I don’t know. I guess I just thought Beatrice would – that she’d be here for me. I know that everything that’s happened between us was my fault and all, I just didn’t think she’d…” Ava trailed off.

“What, did you really think she’d just be sitting around waiting for you?” Mary asked. She sounded skeptical, but not unkind. “It’s been over a year, Ava.”

“I know.” Ava sighed. “I just feel like I’m in a place now where I’m – where I’m ready to be here. With her. And I just – I guess I thought we’d work things out somehow.”

Mary’s expression softened as she placed a comforting hand on Ava’s shoulder. “You’re still in love with her.” It wasn’t a question.

“I’ve never stopped loving her.” And it was the truth, as simple as that.

The sliding glass door to the house opened behind them and Lilith poked her head out. “Hey, you two.” She called to Ava and Mary. “Get in here and help us unload the groceries.”

Ava shot Mary a panicked look as Lilith went back inside. “I can’t go in there.” She said. “What am I supposed to say to Beatrice now? And to Teresa? I do not want to meet Teresa.”

Mary chuckled as she got up, holding a hand out to Ava. “Come on, you need to get this over with.” Ava still was fighting back her panic, but Mary grabbed her by the wrist and yanked her to her feet. “Well, at least this week won’t be boring.” Mary muttered under her breath, and she dragged Ava into the house behind her.

-

Beatrice looked good.

Not that Ava had expected anything less. Beatrice had always been stunning. But something seemed different about her now.

Her hair was longer than the last time Ava had seen her; dark and lush, tucked back behind one ear (and Ava ached to run her fingers through it). A pair of sunglasses was perched on top of her head and she was laughing at something Lilith had just said while she placed a case of beer onto the island. Ava found herself staring at the tilt of her lips and the angle of her jaw and the perfect arch of her eyebrows.

Just from one glance, Ava could tell that Beatrice looked happy. And Ava couldn’t understand why that seemed to hurt so much.

Beatrice turned and caught Ava’s eye, and Ava found herself frozen in place; locked into Beatrice’s steady gaze, lost in the browns and golds and ambers that Ava had memorized long ago. Ava was aware of Mary, Camila, and Lilith watching them while they put groceries away, but everything else around Ava slowed to a stop as she took in Beatrice; her best friend and the girl she loved more than anything. It had been over a year since they had seen each other in person, and Ava knew a lot had changed between them since then. But, in that moment, she was still Ava’s Beatrice (she would always be Ava’s Beatrice).

The spell holding them together broke as Beatrice smiled, genuinely smiled, at Ava; her eyes crinkling in the act. Ava thought her heart might beat right out of her chest at the sight.

“Ava,” And suddenly Beatrice’s arms were around her, pulling her in close. Ava sank into the hug. It was warm and familiar, and Ava hadn’t realized how much she had missed Beatrice’s touch until then. Ava pulled Beatrice in even tighter, feeling herself fit into Beatrice’s body just as she always had, like two puzzle pieces finding each other again. Beatrice felt safe (she had always felt safe), and as Ava’s head rested in the crook of Beatrice’s neck, she had to fight not to press a gentle kiss to the exposed skin on her shoulder like she craved to.

She’s not yours to kiss anymore.

Beatrice pulled away before Ava was ready for her to, but her smile and eyes were kind as she looked over Ava, who smiled back even though her insides were cold.

“Hi,” Beatrice said, and Ava felt herself melt. “It’s so good to see you.”

Ava felt slightly tongue tied. “You, too, Bea. How are you?”

The front door of the cabin opened before Beatrice could answer and a woman that Ava didn’t recognize walked in, carrying the last two bags of groceries into the kitchen. She was tall and slim with long braided hair and the most immaculate eyebrows Ava had ever seen. Beatrice’s smile got even wider as the woman approached, setting the grocery bags on the counter before coming to stand at Beatrice’s side.

“Ava, this is Teresa,” Beatrice’s hand slipped into the woman’s as she looked between Ava and Teresa. “My girlfriend.”

Teresa smiled kindly at Ava and stuck out a hand. “It’s so nice to meet finally meet you, Ava. Beatrice talks about you all the time.”

Ava knew her expression was far from excited, and her palms itched as she stared at Beatrice and Teresa’s entwined fingers. Teresa’s free hand was still stretched out towards Ava, and instead of shaking it like a normal person, Ava gave it a resounding high-five before pulling away again. “So, you’re Teresa from Accounting. I’ve heard some things.”

Beatrice rose an eyebrow, and Teresa looked mildly surprised as she slowly dropped her hand away from Ava. “Oh, um, that’s not how I usually introduce myself, but I guess that would be me. All good things, I hope?”

“I hear it’s an accrual world out there in the accounting business.” Ava said, internally cringing at herself. There was a tense silence as Beatrice’s eyebrows somehow rose even higher. Ava heard Mary cough from somewhere in the background while Camila whispered oh, Ava.

Teresa stared at Ava for a beat while she processed Ava’s terrible joke, but then she broke out into a soft laugh. “Beatrice said you’d be funny!”

The tension drained away and Ava let out a breath of relief, though she found she couldn’t look at Beatrice. Not while she was still holding Teresa’s hand and looking at Ava in the way that she was, like she trying to figure Ava out.

As if sensing Ava’s unease, Mary called over to her from the other side of the kitchen. “Ava, come here and help me make some drinks.” And Ava was able to escape from Beatrice’s piercing gaze and Teresa’s quizzical smile.

“What the hell was that?” Mary whispered as she passed Ava a bottle of margarita mix. “I know your social skills aren’t quite up to par but that was just painful to watch.”

Ava groaned softly as she rubbed at her temples. “Oh, shut up. I’m still processing the fact that Teresa even exists, okay?”

“You need to pull yourself together. Or this is going to be a really long week for you.”

Ava chanced a glance over her shoulder. Camila and Lilith were busy putting sandwiches and snack trays together for the group, while Teresa and Beatrice unpacked groceries. Beatrice met her eye just as Ava looked her way, and Ava felt that familiar course of electricity shoot through her, even though she couldn’t quite read the expression on Beatrice’s face. But then Beatrice was looking away as she said something to Teresa, and Ava snapped her own gaze back to the margarita glasses in front of her, unable to quell the disappointment that seeped through every part of her body.

-

The six of them spent the evening out in the backyard around the firepit, sipping at drinks and roasting marshmallows while they got caught up on their lives.

Camila and Beatrice (…and Teresa if she had to be included) were crushing it at the FBI. They were both working as Intelligence Analysts, which meant they discovered and combated international threats by leveraging national databases and analyzing information collected by field officers to develop intelligence reports.

“So, secret agents.” Ava summarized. “Spies, basically.”

“…No, Ava.” Camila said, shaking her head in amusement.

Camila, who had been with the FBI for about a year longer than Beatrice, was on the strategic career path, while Beatrice was just starting her training on the tactical career path (and even though they explained multiple times what that meant, Ava still wasn’t sure what the difference was). They were definitely badasses, though, that much Ava was certain of, even if they weren’t out on secret missions in the field. And Teresa…well, she did bureau accounting, or whatever. Ava tended not to pay too much attention when Teresa started talking.

“I guess you’re technically like a secret agent, too.” Ava said to Teresa as she fought back a smirk. “What’s your spy name? Municipal Bond?” Ava grinned and nudged Camila, who was sitting next to her around the fire. “Get it? Like if James Bond was an accountant!”

Teresa gave Ava a weak smile while Beatrice shot her a disapproving look, but Mary laughed out loud.

“How long did it take you to come up with that one, Ava?” Ava flipped her off and failed to dodge the marshmallow that Lilith chucked at her forehead.

Lilith was working for the DC government as a Public Affairs Specialist, which meant she was responsible for the development and maintenance of election publications and coordination. She worked closely along elected officials she was assigned to and was responsible for monitoring their relationship with the media, answering inquiries about the official, and disseminating information on the official. Lilith had a love/hate relationship with her job. She was great in her position and the salary was more than she had been expecting to earn at this stage in her life, but the people she worked alongside could really test her patience (and Lilith didn’t have much to begin with, so Ava could only imagine how some of those interactions would go).

Mary was working as a case manager for children, adolescent, and family services, and described to the DC-ians about some of the cases she was currently invested in. It was hard work, as a lot of her cases involved child abuse from the parents (emotionally, physically, and in the worst cases, sexually). Ava always had a hard time listening to Mary’s stories about work, because sometimes it hit a little too close to home when she recalled her own days at the orphanage where she spent most of her childhood. Sure, she may not have parents and had been grossly neglected by her caretakers, but she had still been far better off than some of the kids Mary worked with.

After Mary’s stories, Ava explained her own job for the biotech company she was employed with in digital marketing. The company she worked for researched neurodegenerative diseases and was developing therapeutic treatments for certain disorders, like Parkinson’s and Schizophrenia. While Ava didn’t have too much of a background in science, she was doing really well in her position; keeping the company website updated and relevant, directing attention and awareness to the company’s progress and accomplishments, optimizing any marketing campaigns, and advertising the company’s ongoing clinical trials. It was overall a great job, and Ava got to learn some neuroscience along the way, which she had always been fascinated in.

Ava wandered back into the lake house when her drink was empty (again). She stood in the kitchen for a moment after popping the cap off of another beer and taking a few sips, trying to drown out the hollow feeling that was growing bigger and bigger inside of her. It was great to be with her friends again. It was exactly what she had been missing ever since she left for Australia. But it was unexpectedly difficult to see Beatrice with someone else.

Ava had been trying not to stare. She really had been. But she couldn’t help it. Every time Beatrice touched Teresa, or smiled at her, or laughed at something she said was like another knife being stabbed into Ava’s heart.

It was karma in the worst of ways.

The back door opened, and Ava turned to see Beatrice stepping into the house, closing the door behind her.

“Hey,” Beatrice said, almost hesitantly. “You okay? You seem a little…off.”

Ava’s grip on her beer bottle tightened. “Me, off? Nah, I’m good. Great even.” Ava forced a small laugh, then took a drink of her beer as an excuse not to look at Beatrice, who was giving Ava a look that clearly said she didn’t believe her. “Teresa seems cool.”

“She is.” Beatrice rubbed awkwardly at the back of her neck. “I should’ve told you about us sooner.”

Ava waved her off. “All good, Bea. I mean, why would you tell me, your ‘best friend’ about the girl you’re dating?” Though she tried to hide it, her voice was laced with bitterness.

Beatrice frowned, letting out a quiet sigh. “I knew you were mad.”

Ava scoffed. “Mad? Why would I be mad? It’s perfectly fine that you blindsided me with Teresa.”

Beatrice’s gave her a cold look, and Ava felt it course through her all the way to the tips of her toes. “You don’t get to do that.” Beatrice’s voice was calm but cutting. “After everything that you’ve done, you don’t get to play the victim now.”

“I’m not –” Ava attempted to defend herself, but Beatrice didn’t give her the chance.

“This is all on you, Ava!” She was almost yelling now. “Everything is on you! And you don’t get to be mad at anyone but yourself for that. I’m sorry if me bringing my girlfriend here has upset you, but you’re just going to have to deal with it. And enough with the stupid accounting jokes already!”

Then Beatrice was walking back out of the house, slamming the glass door a little too hard behind her.

Ava leaned shakily against the island, clutching the countertop with white knuckles while she fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. Beatrice was right (because of course, she was). Ava had no right to be mad at all (but admitting that really didn’t make her feel any better). This is the closest Ava had been to Beatrice in over a year, close enough that Ava could still feel Beatrice’s heart beating, even as she walked away. And yet, the distance between them had never felt further.

Chapter Text

One Year and Three Months Ago

“You’re joking. Tell me you’re joking.” Beatrice had her eyes closed, one hand squeezing at her temples as Ava stood in front of her, feeling suddenly very small in Beatrice’s presence.

“I’m not,” Ava all but whispered. “My flight leaves next week.”

Beatrice laughed sardonically as she shook her head, looking anywhere but at Ava. “I – I don’t even know what to say.”

Ava crossed her arms defensively. “You could say that you’re happy for me. This job will open so many doors for me later down the road; it’s a huge opportunity.”

Beatrice felt delirious as Ava’s news sank in. She started pacing in the living room of her apartment, stepping around the boxes that she still hadn’t had a chance to unpack since moving in two weeks ago. “Happy for you?” Beatrice choked out. “God, Ava. I can’t believe you’re doing this again.”

“Beatrice –”

Beatrice was crying now as she stopped her pacing to face Ava, needing Ava to understand what this was doing to her. “I love you so much, Ava. Please don’t do this to me.”

Ava fought back her own tears as she stepped closer to Beatrice, willing her to understand Ava’s need to take this job. “I love you too, more than anything. But this offer – Australia – I need this.” She reached out for Beatrice’s hand, but Beatrice jerked away from her touch.

“Why am I never enough for you?”

The words hit Ava harder than she thought possible. “That’s not true. You have to know that’s not true.”

“Then stay.” Beatrice was suddenly in Ava’s space, her hands wrapping around Ava’s wrists and her lips ghosting over Ava’s. “Please, stay.”

Ava pressed her forehead against Beatrice’s, shaking slightly and wishing desperately that she could be what Beatrice needed.

“If you love me, you’ll let me go.”

There was a moment of silence as they stood together, breathing hard and fighting back tears and drowning in the crushing weight of the world as Ava brought their relationship crashing to the ground. And then Beatrice was pulling away, putting several feet of distance between them. Her face was suddenly devoid of emotion as she stared at Ava, eyes empty and heart shattered into tiny, irreparable pieces.

“Then go, Ava. Go do whatever it is that you need to do. Go find what you’re looking for.” Her voice was quiet and steady, but her words her ice cold. And for a moment, Beatrice looked a lot like a stranger. “But this,” Beatrice gestured between them. “This is broken. I can’t keep fighting for you when you constantly have one foot out the door.”

Ava’s lip trembled as the realization of what was happening washed over her. “Beatrice – wait. I don’t want to end things. We can figure this out.”

“There’s nothing left to figure out, Ava!” Beatrice’s frustration was almost too much to bear. “Once again you are making these decisions without me! I’m done trying to – to chase after you. I’m done being your safety net. I deserve someone who wants to stay.”

“I’m sorry.” Ava whispered, tears streaming silently down her face. “I’m so sorry.”

Beatrice closed her eyes, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. “Get out.” She breathed, her voice braking. She wasn’t looking at Ava anymore.

“Bea –”

“I said get out!”

Beatrice turned her back on Ava, arms crossed tightly across her chest and head bowed as her breath came in short, uneven gasps. A part of her wanted to grab Ava and hold her close and never let her go, but another part knew that any attempts of reaching Ava now would be in vain. Ava was like smoke; constantly slipping through Beatrice’s fingertips, always just out of reach. No matter what she did, Beatrice could never make Ava happy.

By the time Beatrice had calmed down enough to look back, Ava was already gone.

***

Present Day – Tuesday Morning

Ava woke up the next morning in Mary’s bed and nursing a hangover.

The sun was shining brightly through the window and Ava squinted against the blinding light as she lifted her head and glanced around the room. Mary was sitting up in bed while she scrolled through her phone, seemingly unbothered by Ava’s presence in her space.

“Ugh, what happened last night?” Ava grumbled as she slumped back into her pillow, feeling as if someone had cut open her head and was beating her brain like a bongo.

Mary side-eyed Ava in amusement. “Do you mean before or after you decided it would be a good idea to shoot fireworks off the dock and set the neighbors boat on fire?”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m kidding.” Mary said with a smirk. “Lilith managed to stop you before you could light them.”

Ava groaned and smacked Mary’s arm half-heartedly. “Don’t scare me like that.”

“You were actually relatively tame, considering how much you were drinking.” Mary said, looking back at her phone. “But you seemed off. I tried to ask you multiple times what was up, but you didn’t want to talk about it. You ended up coming into my room around 2 am this morning because you didn’t want to be alone and passed right out, in case you were wondering”

Ava closed her eyes as the events from last night washed over her. She could distinctly remember sitting around the fire, eating too many roasted marshmallows, drinking way more than she should have, and avoiding looking anywhere near Beatrice.

Oh god, Beatrice.

Ava could still feel the sting from Beatrice’s words as they echoed in her mind.

Everything is on you.

Ava had a lot to make up for, that was for sure.

“So, do you want to talk about whatever happened between you and Beatrice last night?” Mary asked, sounding unusually gentle. “Just say the word and I’ll go beat her up for you.”

Ava chuckled appreciatively. “No, no it’s fine. It’s mostly my fault anyways. I’ll have to fix things on my own.” She sat up, grateful that the room didn’t seem to be spinning around her anymore. “Teresa on the other hand…”

Mary grinned. “Trust me, I’d be more than happy to take out the competition for you.” Mary set her phone down and climbed out of bed, tossing her braids over a shoulder as she pulled a change of clothes out of her bag. “It’s good to see you accepting some responsibility for a change. Very mature of you.”

“Wow, calling me mature and responsible in one go? Better watch out, Mary, or I might start thinking you respect me.” Ava joked as she climbed out of the bed, deciding it was time to go back to her own room.

“Just don’t let it get to your head!” Mary called after her. Ava closed the door to the bedroom, chuckling to herself quietly. She briefly noticed that the door to Beatrice and Teresa’s room was still closed, and Ava did her best to not think about what they might be up to this morning. Instead, she went back into her own bedroom to get herself ready for the day.

-

Ava looked good.

Not that Beatrice had expected anything less. Ava had always been stunning (and Beatrice was grateful she was wearing sunglasses so that she could watch Ava from her spot on the beach without anyone knowing she was staring).

Ava was wearing a simple olive-green bikini as she stood on the dock with Camila and Mary, an innertube looped through one arm. Ava was testing the water temperature by dipping her toes in, then was yelping as Mary shoved her off the dock and into the lake. Ava resurfaced quickly, spluttering and grasping desperately at her tube (while Ava was good at many things, swimming had never been a strong suit of hers. She lacked any kind of coordination when in the water).

“Fuck you, Mary!” Ava yelled, but Mary just laughed and cannonballed into the water next to her. Beatrice smiled to herself; she had always loved Ava and Mary’s friendship.

Beatrice felt guilty for the way she had handled things with Ava last night. It had been a mistake to not tell her about Teresa sooner, and it was reasonable for Ava to have been upset with her for that surprise. At the same time, though, it was almost satisfying to know Beatrice had gotten under Ava’s skin. After everything that had happened between them, it was nice not to be the one hurting for once.

And there was the guilt again (because despite how she might feel right now, Beatrice never wanted to be the cause of Ava’s pain).

Beatrice leaned back on her towel, tilting her head up towards the sun to bask in its soft rays. It was a beautiful day, with blue skies and a gentle breeze carrying scents from the forest around them. It was peaceful here on the private beach, exactly the kind of vacation Beatrice needed before going back to the real world.

“All right, here you go. One cup of French-pressed coffee with a splash of milk, just how you like it.” Beatrice opened her eyes to find Teresa standing over her, smiling down at Beatrice and holding a steaming mug in her hands. Beatrice accepted the mug gratefully while Teresa sat down on the towel spread out next to her.

“Thanks,” Beatrice took sip from her coffee, appreciating the rich taste as it rolled over her tongue. “Think you’d be interested in swimming later? It’s going to be a nice day for it today.”

Teresa laid back on the towel with her hands folded behind her head. “Sure,” She squinted over at Beatrice with a sly look in her eyes. “I can’t wait to see how hot you look in your new bikini.”

Beatrice blushed, but smiled. “Oh, I always look hot.” She joked.

Teresa laughed, brushing a hand against Beatrice’s arm. “You got that right.” She closed her eyes against the glare of the rising sun. “So, have you fixed things with Ava yet?” She sounded casual, but Beatrice could feel her burning curiosity.

Beatrice hadn’t told her about the argument she had gotten into with Ava last night, but she wasn’t surprised that Teresa had picked up that something had happened between them. After almost a year of friendship and four months of dating, Teresa had learned how to read Beatrice pretty well. She was very perceptive that way (which was, funnily enough, completely the opposite of how Ava was).

“No, not yet.” Beatrice admitted, and her eyes landed on Ava again from where she sat in her tube in the lake, splashing around with Mary and Camila as she tried to chase them through the water. Beatrice hid her smile at Ava’s poor attempt at doing the breaststroke.

Teresa tilted her head to look at Beatrice. “Well, don’t wait too long. I know this must be eating you up inside. You’ll feel a lot better once you talk it out.”

Beatrice sighed as she set her mug in the sand, giving Teresa a fond look before laying back on her towel. She knew Teresa was right, but Ava could wait. There was plenty of time for them to talk later. Right now, she just wanted to spend time in the sun with her girlfriend.

Things were going really well between her and Teresa. They had first met a little more than a year ago, having started working at the FBI around the same time. They were placed in the same orientation group as they went through HR training and had struck up a quick friendship, despite their very different career paths. Teresa was kind, intelligent, confident, and rather attractive (if Beatrice did say so herself). And Teresa had made it very clear right off the bat that she was interested in Beatrice for much more than just friendship, so that was really just a bonus.

Teresa started spending a lot of time with Beatrice and her friends after work. She became a regular member of family dinners and game nights that Lilith and Camila would host, and movie nights at Beatrice’s apartment. She made time on the weekends to meet up with Beatrice to explore new bookstores and coffee shops around DC and even started showing up to the martial arts classes Beatrice, Camila, and Lilith took Tuesday and Thursday nights. And though it took Beatrice months after her breakup with Ava to feel ready for a new relationship, Teresa had been patient and kind and waited for her.

Her relationship with Teresa was different than the one she had had with Ava. It was a lot different. Beatrice often found herself saying things and recalling memories of past times or making some really bad pun, only to look around and realize Teresa had no idea what she was talking about; that it was Ava she was searching for (because there was still a part of Beatrice that struggled with accepting that Ava was really gone). Teresa also wasn’t as prone to contact as Ava had been. Beatrice and Ava’s relationship had been all physical; as Ava loved to touch and be touched. She had been like a little koala; latching onto Beatrice whenever she had the chance, always within reach. Teresa, on the other hand, liked smaller, less noticeable contact, especially when they were out in public. Holding hands, quick kisses on the cheek, maybe an arm around a waist (Beatrice often had to hold herself back to match Teresa’s mannerisms). Where quality time spent with Ava had always been full of adventures and mischief and keeping up with Ava’s antics, a lot of the time Beatrice and Teresa spent together was doing quiet activities; crossword puzzles every Sunday morning, evening walks around their neighborhoods, reading together while spread out on blankets in the park. Being with Teresa was calm, and Beatrice had decided that some calm was exactly what she needed.

So yeah, her and Teresa’s relationship was different. But it was good. They were happy. And the best part was, Teresa wasn’t going anywhere. Teresa loved Beatrice (and had even said so a few times now, though Beatrice had yet to say those three little words back to her). Teresa was there to stay. Teresa was safe.

“I’m glad you came here with me.” Beatrice said quietly as she stared over at her girlfriend.

Teresa grinned back at her. “I’m glad you paid for my flight.” She teased.

Beatrice smacked her arm as Teresa laughed.

And Beatrice felt light.

-

Ava tried not to watch Beatrice and Teresa on the beach. But it was hard not to when she could feel Beatrice’s presence everywhere.

Last night’s argument had left a bad taste in her mouth. As much as she wished she could avoid the situation all together, this would be like Ava’s first test in her newfound desire to be present. Fixing things with Beatrice and starting fresh would be the first step in showing Beatrice that Ava was here to stay.

“Would you just go over there and talk to her already?” Camila said, splashing Ava to get her attention. Ava tore her gaze away from Beatrice to face her friend, who was floating by in a tube.

“What?”

“You look over at Beatrice every thirty seconds. Just go and talk to her. You of all people should know not to let things simmer between the two of you.”

Ava hesitated, feeling slightly embarrassed that her argument with Beatrice last night had spread to the rest of her friends. “Has she said anything to you?”

“She hasn’t had to.” Camila’s eyes softened. “But you’ve been wandering around like a wounded puppy since last night, and it really didn’t take much to put two and two together. You aren’t exactly hard to read, Ava.”

Ava sighed, submerging her face in the water and blowing bubbles. “I don’t want to talk to her while Teresa is there.” She admitted. It all felt very high school, but hey, Ava never claimed that she wasn’t a coward.

Camila smirked and started paddling herself towards the dock. “Give me two minutes and Beatrice is all yours.”

“Wait, Camila!” Ava said in panic, but Camila was already pulling herself out of the water and heading down the dock towards the beach. Ava scrambled to get out of the water after her.

“Don’t mess this up, Ava.” Mary said from where she was sunning herself on the dock sunglasses perched on her face and legs dangling over the sides.

Ava climbed up the ladder and pulled herself onto the dock, dropping her innertube and dripping water everywhere. On the beach, Camila had already reached where Beatrice and Teresa were laying. As Ava watched, Teresa got up from her spot and started following Camila back up towards the house, leaving Beatrice alone as promised.

“Oh, boy.” Ava muttered. If there was one thing she hated, it was confrontation.

“Stop stalling.” Mary said. “Like you said this morning, you need to fix this.”

“I know, I know.” Ava took a deep breath and faced Mary, wringing lake water out of her hair. “Okay, I can do this. How do I look?”

Mary glanced up at Ava. “Wet.” She smirked. “But Beatrice has never seemed to mind that in the past so…”

“Oh my god,” Ava groaned. “Shut up.” Mary’s laughter followed her all the way to the beach.

Beatrice didn’t look up from where she was laying until Ava was standing in front of her, rocking back and forth on her heels and dripping water into the sand.

“Hi,” Ava said, trying her very best not to sound too awkward.

Beatrice sat up and pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head. “Hi.” She didn’t sound outright hostile, so Ava took that as a good sign.

She gestured to the spare towel next to Beatrice. “Mind if I sit with you for a minute?”

Beatrice nodded, her eyes never leaving Ava as Ava plopped down on the empty towel and dug her feet into the sand. She stared straight ahead, fiddling with the tie on her bikini bottoms as she searched for the words she wanted to say.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said last night,” Ava said after a beat of silence. “And you were right. I’m really the only one to blame for the way things are between us. Sorry I was being an ass.” Ava glanced over uncertainly to find Beatrice already looking at her, with none of the anger that Ava had seen just the night before. She looked like Ava’s Beatrice again.

Ava cleared her throat and continued. “I’ll admit, I was – uh – surprised to hear you were seeing someone. But, if Teresa is what makes you happy, then the least I can do is be happy for you. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes with you and I have a lot of things to make up for, but I promise I’m trying to be better.”

Beatrice smiled. Like, full on smiled, as Ava finished her apology. She casually bumped their shoulders together, and Ava felt a flash of heat course through her body from where their bare skin made contact.

“Thank you for saying all that.” Beatrice said. “And I really am sorry I didn’t tell you about Teresa. I guess I was…I don’t know, nervous? I wasn’t sure how you’d react, and I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

Ava forced a soft laugh. “Oh, come on. It’s going to take a lot more than that to hurt me.” She lied (because it actually hurt like hell, but she wasn’t going to say that now). “I want you to be able to tell me these things. We’re still best friends, right?” She sounded uncertain, but the look in Beatrice’s warm eyes washed all of the doubt away.

“Of course, we are.” Ava could tell from Beatrice’s tone of voice that she meant it. “We promised we always would be, no matter what.”

“Even when I’m being a jerk?”

Beatrice laughed, and it was like music to Ava’s ears. “Even when you’re being a jerk.”

As they looked at each other, eyes sparkling and feeling like things might actually be okay between them, Ava felt a pull in her stomach. Being here, basking in the warmth of Beatrice’s light, Ava knew, without a sliver of doubt, that this is what she wanted. She had known really since she was fifteen and had no idea what the future would bring. No matter what had happened between them or how much time had passed or how many mistakes Ava had made, Ava couldn’t imagine a world where her and Beatrice didn’t end up together.

Beatrice might be seeing someone else right now, but Ava wasn’t a quitter. She wasn’t running away anymore.

Ava was in love with Beatrice and she was going to fight for her.

Ava decided to press her luck, and carefully rested her head on Beatrice’s shoulder. “Thank god. While I am trying out this whole ‘mature and responsible’ thing, I’m definitely still prone to some jerkiness, so you’ll have to bear with me.”

To Ava’s relief, Beatrice didn’t pull away from her touch. Instead, Beatrice’s head came to rest on top of Ava’s for a moment, and Ava thought her heart might beat right out of her chest. “I guess it’s a good thing I have so much practice in dealing with you when you’re at your worst, isn’t it?” Beatrice teased.

Ava grinned. “Oh, definitely. Remember Hawaii? I was actually afraid that you were going to strangle me. And not in the good way, if you know what I mean.”

“I just didn’t want you to drown!” Beatrice said (while tactfully avoiding Ava’s innuendo). “Who tries swimming in the ocean during a storm like that just so they can take pictures of the ‘supposed’ sea turtle swarm? You can barely swim as it is, Ava. I think my reaction was completely valid.”

Ava pressed her face into Beatrice’s shoulder to hide her laughter. “Okay, not my best moment, I’ll admit it. But those pictures would’ve been dope had I gotten them.”

“Well, even if you had we never would’ve seen them. Because there was no way you were making it back out of the ocean alive.”

Ava sighed dramatically. “Ye of little faith, Bea.”

Ava was thrilled that her and Beatrice were getting on so well as they reminisced on one of their past trips together. It had been a long time since they had talked so openly and easily with each other, and it really felt like they were the old Ava and Beatrice again (and Ava was feeling hopeful for their future).

Before Beatrice could respond to playfully reprimand Ava further for her poor life decisions, she was interrupted by the return of Teresa, who was looking down at them with a curious expression on her face. Ava picked her head up off of Beatrice’s shoulder and gave Teresa what she hoped was a pleasant smile.

“Hi,” Beatrice said brightly, but Ava was pleased to see that she seemed a little flushed.

“I’m assuming you two have made up then?” Teresa asked, gesturing to the position she had found them in.

“Yup,” Ava said, glancing at Beatrice with a small smile. “All water under the bridge now, right Bea? At least until I do something stupid again.”

Beatrice rose an eyebrow at her. “Oh, so like an hour, tops, then?” Ava laughed and gave Beatrice a friendly shove.

“How rude.”

Teresa didn’t look as amused at their interaction. “Well, if you don’t mind Ava, I think I’d like to borrow my girlfriend for a while. We have a date with the lake.” She stretched out a hand to help pull Beatrice to her feet.

“Of course,” Ava said, though her smile had dropped off just slightly. But then she smirked. “I mean, if you really need the lake’s help to get each other wet, then by all means.”

Point one to Ava! Ava thought as she watched Beatrice’s cheeks turn red at Ava’s insinuations. “Ava,” Beatrice said in exasperation, but Ava could tell she was fighting back a smile.

Teresa’s eyes had narrowed slightly at Ava’s comment, but to her credit she didn’t back down from Ava’s challenge. “Believe me, we don’t need any help with that. At least we didn’t last night.”

Oof. Damn, okay. Point two to Teresa.

Ava held Teresa’s stare for a moment, while Beatrice shook her head between the two of them, blushing furiously. “Okay, that’s enough out of you two.”

Teresa just smirked, as if knowing she had won this round. “Come on, let’s go swim.” She said, taking Beatrice’s hand to lead her down to the dock.

“Calcu-later!” Ava called after them. She could see Teresa bristle at the pun, but Beatrice laughed, so the terrible joke was worth it, really.

Ava watched them go, then got up and headed back to the house where Mary and Lilith were firing up the grill to start cooking lunch. Mary had been right yesterday; this week certainly wasn’t going to be boring.

Game on, Teresa. Ava thought, with one last glance at the couple on the dock. She almost felt bad; Teresa really had no idea what was coming for her.

Game on.

Chapter Text

Ava paced back and forth by the barbeque deep in thought while Mary added hamburgers to the grill, the sound of meat sizzling filling the silence. Ava’s mind, as it had been for weeks now, was stuck on Beatrice. Things had felt so normal down on the beach. Ava thought Beatrice really must be a saint to allow Ava in like that. To laugh and joke with her; to still be so kind to Ava, even when she really didn’t deserve it.

Ava had never been good enough for Beatrice, she had always known that much.

“Camila,” Lilith scolded as her and Camila walked outside, holding bags of groceries and cutting boards. “You cooked breakfast this morning. Mary and I will take care of lunch. It’s your turn to relax, babe.”

Camila chuckled as she set her bags onto the outdoor dining table. “I don’t mind chopping some vegetables. It shouldn’t take too long.”

Ava walked over to them. “Here Cam, let me.”

Lilith nodded appreciatively at Ava. “Yeah see, Ava can help me. Besides, I heard you tell Teresa you’d teach her how to skip rocks earlier. Better make good on your promise.”

Camila hesitated. She had always been a bit of a mother hen. “All right, fine. But only if Ava has supervision if she’s using a knife.

Mary barked out a laugh from her spot by the grill while Ava rolled her eyes. “You’re never going to let that go, are you? It was only one time!”

“You had to get four stitches in your hand!” Camila reminded, but she was smiling. “I’m just trying to avoid another visit to the emergency room.”

“I’ll keep an eye on her, promise.” Lilith said, leaning over to give Camila a quick kiss. “Now go and have some fun.” Camila relented and skipped down the steps to the beach, humming softly as she went.

Lilith passed Ava a cutting board, a knife, and different vegetables to chop up to put into a salad while she shucked cobs of corn to put on the grill. They got to work, while Camila, Beatrice, and Teresa hung out down at the lake, their voices carrying up to the house, though too faint for Ava to make out anything they were saying.

“So,” Ava glanced up at Lilith while she chopped lettuce (carefully, she might add. She didn’t particularly love the idea of slicing her hand open again. The scar was still there from last time). “What are your thoughts on Teresa?” She tried her best to sound casual.

Lilith didn’t look up from where she was pulling corn husks apart. “Teresa is great. She’s been a really good friend to us. You should try to get to know her while you’re here.”

It wasn’t exactly the words Ava had wanted to hear. “Yeah sure, she seems cool. But what about her and Beatrice being together? How did that even happen?”

Lilith’s movements slowed. “You know, I don’t think we should talk about this.” She said quietly.

“What, why not?”

“Because you’re really not going to like what I have to say.”

Ava switched to cutting some tomatoes while she thought that over. A part of her wanted to heed Lilith’s warning and change the subject, but the part of her that was done running from her life knew she had to hear it.

“Just, be straight with me.” Ava stared down at her cutting board, grateful that she had something to do with her hands. “Please.”

Mary let out a low whistle from where she was flipping the burgers at the grill. “Don’t say Lilith didn’t warn you…”

Lilith set the husked corn cobs down on a plate and passed it over to Mary to put on the barbeque. Then she leaned over the table to lock Ava into a hard stare.

“Do you have any idea what it was like when you left?” Ava felt her blood run ice cold at the question. But she stayed silent; Lilith wasn’t actually looking for an answer. “Do you have any idea what that did to Beatrice? She was destroyed, Ava. You broke her.”

Ava dropped her gaze, unable to look at Lilith as she painted the picture of Ava’s betrayal.

“I’ve never seen her like that before.” Lilith continued. “And don’t forget, I was around for the whole ‘study abroad’ fiasco. But this…this was ten times worse than that.”

Ava felt her eyes burn, and she had to blink a few times to keep the tears at bay.

“That first month you were gone? Beatrice spent damn near every night at my apartment because she couldn’t be alone. She was barely eating, barely sleeping; it was scary at times. All because you had to go chase some idealistic fantasy of god knows what.”

“Might want to ease off a little bit, Lil.” Mary cautioned with a glance at where Ava sat, gripping the knife so hard her knuckles were stark white.

“No,” Lilith snapped. “She needs to understand the consequences of her actions. Because so far Ava, you’ve been wandering around here like you deserve Beatrice’s forgiveness when in reality, you don’t. Not even a little bit!” The first tear escaped and rolled down Ava’s cheek as she took in Lilith’s harsh (but true) words. “You’re selfish, Ava! You’ve always been selfish. When things get hard, or when things get too real, you just up and run. You never think about who that will affect or who you might hurt, and frankly, I’m sick of picking up the pieces every time you decide to leave.”

Ava set the knife down, flexing her fingers to regain some feeling in them while she wiped at the tears that were falling steadily down her cheeks now. “You have to know it was never my intention to hurt anyone.” She choked out.

“It doesn’t matter what your intentions were. You still fucked up. And honestly, you don’t deserve any forgiveness. Not right now. And you certainly don’t deserve to be bitter that Beatrice decided to move on while you were gone. Because when she needed you, you weren’t there. And Teresa was. You don’t get to be upset about that.”

“I’m trying to do better.”

Lilith let out a bitter laugh. “It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think? Why even try considering you’re just gonna up and leave again once you get bored? I’m shocked Beatrice is even talking to you, let alone giving you any modicum of kindness. I guess she couldn’t even be bothered to be cold to you, considering you’ll probably be taking off again as soon as we’re done here. Why put in the effort to be angry when you probably wouldn’t get it anyways?”

Lilith’s voice was rising, and Ava could feel her blood boiling at the accusations. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m done running!”

“Oh, sure you are! We’ve heard that before, Ava!” Lilith yelled.

Ava stood up so quickly, her chair fell back behind her, clattering to the ground. She was briefly aware of Mary glancing nervously between Ava and Lilith while they stared daggers at each other, but she didn’t say anything to interrupt.

“What do you know, Lilith? You really think you’re so perfect and have never made mistakes before? You have no idea what I’ve been going through during all this! You don’t know how I’ve felt.”

Lilith stood up too, arms crossed while she glared at Ava with fire in her eyes. “I really don’t care how you’ve been feeling, not when you turn your back on all of your friends and the people who count on you. You’re a flight risk, Ava! You’ve always been a fucking flight risk! And it’s time for you to grow up and accept that maybe there is no fixing all of the damage you’ve done. You’ve made your mistakes, and now you have to live with them. We don’t have any more trust to give you!”

Ava’s whole body was shaking as she held Lilith’s cold, fierce gaze, but then all of the fight seemed to seep out of her body as if she was caving in on herself.

“Fuck you, Lilith.” Ava hissed, and then she pushed away from the table to head back inside.

“Oh see, there you go again!” Lilith yelled at Ava’s back. “All flight and no fight. It’s always the same with you, Ava! So much for wanting to do better!”

“Enough, Lilith.” Mary said quietly. “Let her go.”

Ava’s skin burned as she slid the backdoor open, stepping into the cool indoors. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she was struggling to breath, and it suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on her. She passed through the house quickly to the front door, wrenching it open and stepping put onto the porch. And then she was moving, her footsteps pounding heavily on the pavement. Ava had no thoughts in mind of what she should do or where she should go. All she heard was

Run.

Run.

Run.

-

Beatrice walked back up to the house with Teresa, hand-in-hand and still damp from their swim in the lake. Mary had just called down to them and Camila that lunch was ready, so the trio had done their best to dry off before climbing the path.

There was a spread of food across the table; cheeseburgers and hotdogs, corn, salad, and a cooler of beer lying open next to the grill. Beatrice took a seat in between Camila and Teresa, accepting the beer that Mary passed her across the table.

While the group began plating food, passing the bowl of salad from person to person and reaching over each other to distribute condiments, Beatrice couldn’t help but notice that there was someone missing from the table, and that there was a weird sort of tension that hung in the air around Lilith and Mary.

It was Camila who ended up asking about it.

“Where’s Ava?”

Mary looked uncomfortable as Lilith stabbed a fork into her salad. “Who cares.” Lilith muttered. Camila frowned as she looked across the table at her girlfriend.

“What did you do?” She sounded apprehensive.

Lilith shrugged. “I just told her the truth, like she asked. It’s not my fault that she couldn’t handle it.”

Beatrice frowned, wondering what Lilith was talking about while Camila let out a quiet sigh. “Lil, you promised you wouldn’t attack her like that.”

“Yeah well, someone had to say something to get through that thick head of hers.”

Mary glanced at Lilith from the corner of her eyes. “You took it too far.” She said.

Lilith slammed her fork down, shaking the table slightly. “Would you stop defending her already? Can everyone just stop pretending for a minute that what she did was in any way okay?”

“I let you go off on her earlier, but enough is enough.” Mary’s voice was calm. “You’ve already said your piece, and now you need to back off. Ava gets it, okay? Believe me, she gets it.”

Camila stood up from the table pushing her plate aside. “Do you know where she went?” She asked Mary.

Mary gestured toward the house. “She went inside, but I doubt she’s in there. My guess is she went for a walk to clear her head.”

“I’m going to try to find her.” Camila said, and she disappeared into the house.

There was a tense silence around the table after Camila’s departure. Mary and Lilith weren’t looking at each other and Beatrice could feel discomfort rolling off of Teresa in waves.

“You don’t have to do that, you know.” Beatrice said to Lilith, suddenly not feeling very hungry anymore. “You don’t need to be angry at Ava for me. I can take care of her myself.”

Lilith rose an eyebrow skeptically. “Really, Beatrice? Because from where I’m standing, you’ve been letting her off scot free.”

“Well that’s my business, isn’t it?” Beatrice said hotly. She wasn’t sure why she felt so bothered by Lilith stepping in between her and Ava. Lilith knew her and Ava’s dynamic more than anyone and should’ve known better than to get involved. Yes, Beatrice was well aware that Ava had made some stupid (really goddamn stupid) decisions in the past. But she was still Ava. And Beatrice could only hold a grudge for so long. As much as she had been hurt from Ava’s past actions, all of her pain was outweighed by her relief to have Ava back with them again. “I’m well aware of her mistakes, but I’m not going to keep pushing her away. And you shouldn’t either.”

Lilith held Beatrice’s gaze for a moment before shaking her head and pushing herself away from the table. “Whatever you say, Bea.” She sounded tired all of a sudden. “But if you’re not careful, she’s just going to hurt you again.”

Beatrice watched Lilith walk away as she wandered down to the lake. Beatrice knew she just needed a minute to calm herself down, but she still felt bad that things had gotten this way. Lilith was her oldest friend, and though they butted heads every now and then, they always tended to get along famously. Beatrice would have to apologize later. Lilith had only been trying to look out for her, after all.

Beatrice glanced uncertainly at Mary, who was staring after Lilith with a frown on her face. Mary met Beatrice’s gaze after a moment and offered a small smile.

“Whatever you may be thinking, Bea, Ava is trying to be better. Don’t give up on her, okay?” Mary waited until Beatrice gave her a small nod, before looking away again. Just then, Mary’s phone started ringing as she received a call from Shannon, and she excused herself from the table to talk to her girlfriend.

Beside her, Teresa took a long drink from her beer before setting the bottle carefully onto the table. “So, does Ava always cause this much drama whenever she’s around? I’ve never seen Lilith get so heated like that before.”

Beatrice sighed. “Yeah, well, Ava tends to have that effect on people.”

“I’ve noticed.” Teresa muttered. “Can I ask…why aren’t you more upset with her? From what I’ve heard, she really screwed you over, didn’t she?”

Beatrice fiddled with her beer bottle in front of her. “It’s complicated.” She said, then smiled softly at Teresa. “Besides, I’ve moved on. What’s the point in living in the past?”

Teresa smiled back. “Always taking the high road, aren’t you?” Teresa placed a hand on Beatrice’s knee under the table. “Just don’t forget that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.” Beatrice knew she was right, but she also knew holding on to her anger would never make her feel any better about the situation.

Teresa glanced around. “Speaking of being selfish, do you think the others will come back to finish lunch, or can I steal another piece of corn for myself? Because Mary grilled it perfectly.”

Beatrice laughed as she passed the plate of corn to her girlfriend. “Knock yourself out.”

-

So, Ava didn’t actually go far.

She only ran to the edge of the driveway, where she found a nice, large boulder that she climbed to the top of to sit while she forced herself to relax and clear her mind.

You’re a flight risk, Ava! You’ve always been a fucking flight risk.

Lilith’s words were eating her up inside. She was right, of course. Everything she had said had been right. Ava had just been too stubborn and selfish to realize it before.

With Lilith throwing her biggest mistake into her face, Ava had never hated herself more.

Ava knew that leaving the way she did was wrong. She hurt everyone with her actions, of course she did. She really shouldn’t be surprised to hear how upset Lilith was with her. Ava had deserved every single cutting word Lilith had thrown her way. Ava pulled her knees to her chest, feeling some comfort in the way she could hold herself together, as if the tighter her grip, the more she’d be able to keep herself from falling apart completely.

“Hi,” Ava jumped in alarm as another voice broke into her thoughts, and she peered down to the ground to find Camila standing at the base of her boulder, looking up at Ava. She had been so quiet; Ava hadn’t even heard her approach. “Mind if I join you up there?” Camila asked. Ava nodded her consent, and Camila quickly climbed her way to the top to take a seat next to Ava.

“I heard Lilith yelled at you.” Camila gave Ava a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t her place to say those things to you.”

Ava rested her chin on top of her knees. “I deserved it.” She mumbled.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” Ava whispered. “I really messed up, Cam. I know that. But I want to fix things. I want to make things right. I just – I don’t know how.” She laughed softly. “I don’t even know if I deserve to, really.”

Camila placed a comforting hand on Ava’s knee. “You do deserve to, Ava. Despite what Lilith may have said, we are all so happy that you’re here.” Ava gave her a watery smile. “And now…we just want you to stay. If you’re willing to. We want you to want to stay.”

“I do.” Ava said, and she meant it. “I’m ready to come home.”

“Good,” Camila tucked a loose strand of hair behind Ava’s ear. “You will always have a place with us, no matter what.”

“I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry I abandoned you all.” Ava picked at a leaf that had fallen from a nearby tree. “I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish.”

Camila smiled. “I appreciate you saying that. But you don’t need to apologize to me. I understand why you left.”

“You do?”

Camila nodded. “You needed time. You needed peace. You needed to find a way to be happy. I’m just sorry you felt you had to go so far away to discover that.”

Ava felt tears pushing at her eyes again. “I wish I could go back and do things differently.”

“I like to think everything happens for a reason.” Camila said simply.

“You’re way too good to me.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

Ava took a deep breath. “What should I do now?”

“Come back inside, face your demons, and stay.” Camila made it sound so easy.

“In this case, would Lilith be my demon?”

“Oh, definitely.” Camila laughed. “Just don’t tell her I said that.”

“I’m still in love with Beatrice.” Ava isn’t sure what made her say it, but she’s glad she did.

Camila was silent for a moment, the only sound between them the whisper of the wind blowing softly through the trees. “What are you going to do about that?”

Ava looked away. “Nothing.” She whispered. “Maybe this is my penance. To love her while she loves someone else.”

“A part of me wants to tell you to let her go.” Camila said.

“And the other part?” Ava was almost scared to hear the answer.

Camila sighed. “You’re Ava and Beatrice. The other part of me knows not to bet against the two of you.”

“Thanks for not giving up on me, Cam.” Ava said.

Camila gave Ava’s hand a tight squeeze. “Thanks for not making me run too far to chase after you.” She teased. “Now, come on back to the house; lunch is ready and I’m starving.”

-

Ava was quiet for the rest of day.

She spent the afternoon lying on the beach and reading her book, and just staying out of everyone else’s way while they took advantage of the warm weather to swim some more and play beach games. When dinner rolled around, Ava helped Beatrice and Camila cook a pasta meal for everyone where they ate outside again as the sun started to set around them. Things still felt a little awkward between the group, but no one brought up the earlier incident, and Ava and Lilith even managed to have polite conversations as they ate their way through spaghetti and garlic bread. After cleaning up dinner, the group gathered in the living room, strewn across couches as they searched Netflix for a good movie to put on to end the night. Ava however, decided to let the others pick while she sat outside on her own for a little while.

There was a porch swing at the end of the back deck, shrouded in shadows from the fading light and chipping paint from years of weather exposure. Ava sat on one end, using the tips of her toes to gently swing the chair back and forth while she lit a cigarette. Crickets were chirping away in the background and there was the first smattering of stars visible in the evening sky, and the whole scene felt like something straight out of a movie. Ava blew a puff of smoke through her teeth, wrapping her flannel shirt tighter around her body to keep the chill of the night air out and relishing in the fresh scents of the surrounding forest.

The backdoor slid open, and Ava glanced over as Beatrice appeared, walking down the deck towards her. Ava felt her heart skip nervously; they hadn’t really talked at all since that morning on the beach.

“I thought you quit smoking?” Beatrice said as she slipped into the empty space beside Ava on the porch swing.

“I did,” Ava gave her a guilty look. “I only smoke now when I get anxious. I just like having something to do with my hands when my brain gets too loud.”

Beatrice nodded in understanding and didn’t reprimand Ava any further for the bad habit. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Ava blew out another mouthful of smoke before stubbing the cigarette out on the deck floor. “Do you know why I went to Australia?” She didn’t look at Beatrice after asking. “I mean, did I ever make my intentions clear?”

“I want to understand Ava, really I do.” Beatrice’s voice was quiet. “But…no. I don’t know why.” Ava nodded, feeling that overwhelming self-hatred again as she got her thoughts in order.

“I know it’s long overdue,” Ava glanced up uncertainly. “But I hope you’ll let me try to explain myself a little better now.”

“I’m listening.” Beatrice said. There was no anger in her tone, only curiosity. So, Ava dived right in.

“My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve never belonged anywhere. Like I was always the odd one out. I was always the weird orphan girl, just struggling to find some purpose. And then I met you, and you gave me that. Purpose, I mean.” Beatrice was watching her with an unreadable expression. “And while you were able to accept me, and Lilith and Mary and Camila were all able to accept me, I was still never able to accept myself. I still felt like I was a part of this family that didn’t, and never could, really belong to me.”

“I hate to use the cliché ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, but seriously, everything that happened was never, never, on you, Bea. Me leaving; for Ireland, for Australia…that was never because of you. I left because I was so unhappy with myself and who I was. I was so afraid that if I stayed, I would destroy everything. I would destroy us.” Ava let out a weak chuckle as she gripped her hands tightly in her lap. “I just wished I had realized sooner that leaving would do that anyways.”

Beatrice was still staring silently at Ava.

“I hope you can believe me when I say that I would do things differently if I could. I would have made you a part of the conversation when I got that job offer and I would have thought things through more than I did. I would have tried to process what I was feeling instead of just running away from myself. It is my biggest regret, and I hate myself for what I did to you.” Ava’s voice cracked as she forced herself to look Beatrice in the eye. “You are the best part of me, Beatrice. You have always been the best parts of me. And I’m so sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you.”

Beatrice broke eye contact, looking out into the distance as they swung quietly side by side. Ava fiddled with her lighter, letting the flame glow softly between them before burning out again.

“I knew you were unhappy.” Beatrice said after a few moments of silence. “I could see it. I just didn’t want to believe that I wasn’t enough for you.”

Ava felt her heart sink. “That’s not – you’ve got it backwards, Bea.” She could feel desperation creeping into her voice. “It’s not that you weren’t enough for me, it’s that I wasn’t enough for you. How could I have ever been good enough for you when I couldn’t even stand the person that I was? If I couldn’t make myself happy, how could I ever make you happy? You deserved so much more than I was able to give you.”

Beatrice took the lighter from Ava and held out her hand until Ava passed her the box of cigarettes she had stuffed in her pocket. Beatrice lit one and breathed in, holding the cigarette uncertainly between her fingers.

“And how do you feel now?” Beatrice finally asked, coughing slightly as the smoke exited her lungs. “Are you happy now? Have you figured out what it is you want?”

Yeah, Ava thought. I want you.

“I just want a home.” Ava ended up saying. “I want a place to feel like home.”

Beatrice nodded. “You were my home once.”

Ava smiled as Beatrice passed her the cigarette, and she took a long drag from it. “And now?”

Beatrice glanced at her wryly. “Now you’re like my parent’s house in Switzerland. Always there but only lived in for a week out of the year. Not quite home, but still something.”

Ava laughed, smoke billowing from her mouth around them. “At least you’re comparing me to the Swiss house instead of the time share in Cabo. You hate Cabo.”

“I really do hate Cabo.”

“And after everything I’ve done, you really don’t hate me?”

Beatrice tilted her head towards Ava, plucking the cigarette from her fingers to take one last drag before it burned out. “I could never hate you, Ava.” She said softly.

Ava leaned her head back to rest on the top of the chair as they swung back and forth. She felt dizzy almost. Partly from Beatrice’s proximity and partly from the relief of having finally explained her thoughts and feelings in a way that Beatrice could understand her.

Looking over at Beatrice sitting beside her, with only the faint glow of the house lights streaming out through the windows to illuminate the porch, Ava thought Beatrice had never looked more beautiful. She was soft, curled into the porch swing with the lingering scent of smoke billowing around them. Ava longed to reach out and touch her; to tell her how much she still cared about her. To tell her how she had never stopped caring.

But she didn’t.

Beatrice wasn’t Ava’s. She might never be Ava’s again.

You’re Ava and Beatrice. The other part of me knows not to bet against the two of you.

Camila’s words from earlier echoed in Ava’s mind, and Ava desperately hoped that she was right. Their story couldn’t be over yet, even if Beatrice was seeing someone else right now. Ava would wait. She would wait forever if she had to. However long it would take if it meant she could love Beatrice again in the way that she wanted to. Beatrice was worth waiting for; would always be worth waiting for (and Ava just hoped that, one day, she would be worth it, too).

Chapter Text

Six Months Ago

“What are you doing, Bea?” Lilith asked one evening when Beatrice was over for dinner at Lilith and Camila’s apartment.

Beatrice glanced up in confusion. “Dicing the onions?” She said, gesturing at the cutting board in front of her. Camila looked up briefly from her laptop at the kitchen table, where she was responding to some work emails she had forgotten to get back to earlier.

Lilith shook her head. “I don’t mean with dinner; I mean with your life. What are you doing? Because right now it looks like you are just stringing Teresa along with no intention of ever giving her what she clearly wants.”

Beatrice frowned. She got up from her spot at the kitchen island to dump her perfectly diced onions into a pan resting on the stove. This had been a topic of conversation that Beatrice had been avoiding for weeks now. “I’m not stringing her along. I’ve made it perfectly clear to Teresa where we stand and the nature of our…relationship.”

Lilith gave her a disbelieving look. “Have you? Because last night at the bar she was staring at you like a lovesick puppy. Why won’t you just give her a chance?”

Beatrice shrugged uncomfortably, and she focused on stirring the onions so that she wouldn’t have to look at Lilith. “I don’t know, I just – I can’t really picture myself dating her, that’s all.”

“Why not?” Lilith pressed. “Please don’t tell me it’s because of Ava.” Beatrice felt her heart stutter at Ava’s name, and she didn’t respond. Lilith sighed softly before walking around the island to lean against the counter next to where Beatrice stood in front of the stove. “Bea, it’s been months. This isn’t healthy. Ava made her choice, and now you need to try to move on. Even if it’s not with Teresa, just move on with somebody.”

Beatrice closed her eyes. “I can’t, Lilith. I can’t move on. Not when I still feel this way about her.”

“Beatrice.” Lilith’s voice was steady, but gentle. “I get that you love her, really I do. But she’s gone, and there’s no telling if or when she’ll return. There’s no telling if she’ll ever even stay here with you. You can’t keep putting your life on hold for someone who doesn’t prioritize you. You deserve so much more than that.” Lilith turned to Camila. “Back me up here, Cam.”

Camila paused in her typing as she peered at her friends over her laptop screen. “We just want you to be happy, Bea. And you haven’t been happy since Ava left. Maybe it’s best to let her go.”

Beatrice’s eyes watered (because of the onion, obviously), and she quickly swiped at them with the back of her hand. “I promised myself I would wait for her. That next time things would be different. That she would realize – that she would realize we’re it for each other.”

Lilith placed a comforting hand on Beatrice’s shoulder, squeezing softly. “It’s Ava. She’s reckless and unpredictable and you can’t make promises for her that you know she could never keep. I’m sorry to be the one to say this, but you lost Ava a long time ago. Don’t let her find you still broken if she ever decides to come back.”

Beatrice pulled away from Lilith, walking to the liquor cabinet and pulling out an old bottle of vodka that has been in there for who knows how long. She uncapped the bottle and brought it to her mouth, taking a few large mouthfuls and feeling the sting of the alcohol burn her throat all the way down. Beatrice grimaced at the sharp taste, then passed the bottle to Lilith, who took her own swig before handing it back to Beatrice.

“Just one date,” Lilith said, wiping at her mouth. “Just go on one date with Teresa, and I won’t bring it up again.”

Beatrice let out a heavy sigh. “Fine. I will consider going on one date. Just one! And, even if it doesn’t work out, you have to leave me alone about this. Deal?”

Lilith held her gaze. “Deal.” She slid Beatrice’s phone to her across the island. “Now consider quickly and give her a call, already.”

***

Present Day – Wednesday Morning

Ava was woken up on Wednesday morning by Shannon launching herself on top of Ava, who had been sleeping soundly in Mary’s bed (where she had chosen to sleep…again). Ava startled awake, glancing groggily around her until Shannon’s smiling face came into focus.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Shannon said, way too loudly. Mary was laughing from somewhere else in the room.

Ava buried her head back into her pillow. She had heard Mary when she got up in the wee hours of the morning to drive to the airport to pick up Shannon (like the good girlfriend that she was), who had caught a flight from Chicago once her law school conference had ended. But Ava wasn’t expecting Shannon to be this awake and perky at – Ava checked her phone – 7 in the morning, especially after getting off a plane.

Mary dropped onto the other side of the bed so that Ava was sandwiched in between the two. “Five more minutes, okay?” Ava begged, pulling the blankets over her head. “I’ll be happy to see Shannon after five more minutes of sleep.”

Shannon laughed, yanking the blankets unceremoniously off of Ava’s body, and Ava let out a soft groan as the light from the nearby window blinded her.

“Ugh, okay fine, I’m up now.”

Shannon poked Ava in her side. “I hear you’ve been causing all sorts of trouble since you got here.” She said in a sing-song voice. “Picking fights with Beatrice and Lilith? I’m disappointed in you Ava; that’s not how Mary and I raised you.”

Ava rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut up.” She muttered.

Mary smacked her on the arm. “Don’t talk to your mother like that.” Ava laughed. It was an ongoing joke between their friend group that Shannon and Mary were basically like Ava’s moms, and even more so now that Ava was living with them.

“Anyways,” Shannon scratched softly at Ava’s head. “I’m sorry to hear about the whole ‘Beatrice situation’. Are you doing okay?”

Ava closed her eyes, allowing Shannon to comfort her for the moment. Was she doing okay? Ava wasn’t so sure. Her heart hurt constantly, but she really wasn’t in a position to expect anything else. She knew what she wanted, she knew she couldn’t have what she wanted, but that was just something she was going to have to live with.

“I’m okay, I promise.” Ava said. “All things considered…I could be so much worse, I guess.”

Mary nudged Ava. “Look at you, finding the silver lining.”

Shannon’s fingers still stroked softly through Ava’s hair. “Just know, whatever happens, Mary and I will be right here for you, young one.” Ava smiled, and right then she felt safe.

There was a soft knock at the bedroom door, and then Lilith’s head was poking into the room. “Oh good, you’re all up.” Lilith said, and she opened the door wider to step into the room. “Hi Shannon! How was your flight?”

“It was fine, thanks. Lilith, this house is beautiful.”

Lilith nodded. “My parents don’t skimp on anything, that’s for sure.” Lilith stood at the edge of the bed and reached out to smack at one of Ava’s exposed feet. “I was looking for you.” Ava gave her a weary look, and Lilith smirked. “Relax, I’m not going to start yelling at you again. I actually wanted to apologize for yesterday.”

Ava sat up on her elbows. “You really don’t have to.” She said. “Everything you said yesterday…you were right. About all of it. You have nothing to apologize for.”

Lilith stared Ava down, and Ava almost felt like she saw something akin to respect flash across Lilith’s eyes. “Let me rephrase; I’m not sorry about what I said, but I am sorry for the way I said it. It wasn’t my place to throw everything into your face like that. And, I want you to know that no matter how upset I may have been with you, I still love you and I’m happy that you’re back with us.”

Ava narrowed her eyes playfully. “Those are Camila’s words, aren’t they?”

Lilith grinned. “Yup. She told me I’m not allowed any coffee this morning until we’ve made up.” Mary made a whipping motion with one hand, complete with sound effects and all. Lilith looked at her reproachfully. “Oh, please. Like you don’t do everything Shannon tells you to do.”

“No way.” Mary scoffed. “I’m an independent woman.”

Shannon rose her eyebrows and said, “Is that so?” while Ava coughed something that sounded suspiciously like bullshit.

Lilith just shook her head. “Anyways…” She looked back at Ava. “Are we cool?”

Ava smiled. “I think I should be the one asking you that.” She cleared her throat. “I know I still have a lot of work to put in, and that you have no reason to trust me, but I’m going to try really hard to start earning your trust again. I really am sorry for everything I put you all through.”

Lilith’s face softened, just slightly. “I know you are. And I promise that I’ll try to forgive you, assuming you can earn it.” She sounded sincere, and Ava appreciated her honesty. “Now get up, all of you. Beatrice and Camila want to be at the trailhead by 9, and not a second later.”

-

After dressing in a pair of athletic shorts and a red t-shirt she had gotten in Bondi Beach, Ava went down into the kitchen and was immediately assigned to the sandwich assembly line with Beatrice, Camila, and Teresa. Camila was the condiment spreader, Beatrice added deli meats, Teresa added veggies, and Ava topped each sandwich off with slices of cheese. It was quick work between the four of them, and they had seven sandwiches packed and ready to go before Ava had even managed to make a dent in her cup of coffee.

There was quiet chatter in the kitchen as they prepared lunch to take on their hike and got the cars packed for the hour drive to Emerald Bay. Shannon talked to Camila and Beatrice enthusiastically, having not seen them in a few months, and politely introduced herself to Teresa. Ava watched her friends all interact with each other, feeling suddenly very out of place as she realized that she was the odd one out in the group. The seventh wheel. Ava didn’t like it one bit.

Before she knew it, Beatrice was rushing everyone out the door and into the cars; Ava, Mary, and Shannon in the orange Kia Soul, and Beatrice, Teresa, Camila, and Lilith in the black Subaru. Then they were off, driving from the north shore to the south shore to the Eagle Falls Trailhead to start their planned 7-mile hike.

The drive felt like it took no time at all. Mary drove and Shannon blasted pop music from one of her Spotify playlists, singing at the top of her lungs and drumming out beats on Mary’s thigh with one hand. The windows were rolled down and the fresh summer breeze swept through the car, surrounding them in sunshine. It was the only way to travel, Ava decided, as she stared out the window, straining to catch glimpses of the crystal blue lake at every bend in the road. Music, friendship, and the great outdoors; it doesn’t get much better than that.

They began the hike almost immediately after parking the cars, wanting to get started as it was going to be a long hike. Lilith and Camila were at the front of the group, talking quietly as they lead the way up the trail. Ava stayed towards the back, still feeling somewhat awkward to find herself alone and surrounded by three other couples. But she pushed those thoughts aside and tried to lose herself in the hike.

Ava loved hiking. She loved being outdoors and climbing over rocky trails and pushing her legs to the limit to reach the peaks. There was nothing better than finally getting to the top, feeling the burn in her lungs and in her muscles, but also experiencing the immaculate views the mountains had to offer. Hiking was an activity Ava and Beatrice had loved to do together, back when they were in college. They used to drive up to the White Mountains in New Hampshire almost every weekend during the summers and find different trails and peaks they could explore, before pitching tents at campsites and crashing for the night once they made their way back down the mountain. Those weekends had been some of Ava’s absolute favorites.

The first hour of the hike was done mostly in silence as the group got their bearings and allowed their bodies to adjust to the physical activity. The only sounds besides those of nature came from Beatrice and Shannon as Beatrice inquired about how Shannon was doing in school and how the conference had gone. Ava, who kept in relatively good shape, had no problem with the pace that was set and with the gradual incline and elevation gain. She noticed, though, that Teresa seemed to be having a harder time, having dropped a bit towards the back of the group.

“Do you hike much?” Ava asked as she drew level with Teresa, falling into step beside her.

Teresa ducked under a low hanging tree branch. “No actually.” She shot Ava a sheepish look. “I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I went hiking.”

Ava stepped carefully around some loose rocks, noticing the sharp breaths that Teresa was taking. “How are you holding up so far?”

“Besides my lungs feeling like they’re about to burst and my legs throbbing, I’ve never felt better.” Teresa said. Ava had to admire her strong spirit. “What about you; hike often?”

“I do,” Ava said. “Beatrice and I used to go all the time when we were in school. Our goal once upon a time was to hike all 48 of the 4,000 footers in the White Mountains.”

Teresa looked surprised. “Really? Beatrice never told me about that. Did you two get to all of them?”

“No,” Ava sighed. “We managed to complete 39 of them, but then we started grad school and just didn’t have the time. And New York was a much farther drive to the White Mountains than it was from Boston, so it just didn’t work out for us to finish.”

Teresa watched her feet as they carefully crossed a small stream. “That’s disappointing, but 39 out of 48 is still a pretty impressive accomplishment.”

“I guess so. I’m surprised Beatrice has never taken you hiking. She used to really love going.” Ava mused.

Teresa glanced almost guiltily at Ava. “That might be my fault. She’s mentioned it before, but I’ve never exactly been gung-ho about it. I’ve never really been much of an outdoors person, but I promised her I would go on at least one hike while we’re in Tahoe, so here we are.”

Ava chuckled. “Well, she certainly didn’t pick an easy one for you.” Teresa looked mildly panicked at that, so Ava rushed to soothe her. “But don’t worry! I think this hike is only 2,000 feet of elevation gain. It won’t be uphill the whole time. The back half should be much easier going than this.”

“God, I hope you’re right.”

They walked in silence for a few moments, and Ava noticed they had dropped behind their group quite a bit, as she was just able to see the backs of Mary and Shannon up ahead. It had been very quiet on the trail so far, with not too many other hikers out (with it being the middle of the work week and all). The conditions were perfect, just how Ava liked it. The temperature was warm enough that Ava was sweating a little bit under her t-shirt, but not too hot that she was uncomfortable. She knew she could’ve easily caught up with the rest of her friends, but Ava figured now would be a good time to get to know Teresa, as Lilith had told her to do the previous day. Besides, talking would help the other girl control her breathing and would distract her from the strenuous incline they were currently on.

“So, I really don’t know much about you.” Ava stated. “Tell me about yourself.”

Teresa looked thoughtful for a minute. “Okay, let’s see…I grew up a little north of Seattle. It rained constantly and I kind of hated it to be honest. I got accepted to NYU for college, so I moved to New York where I completed my undergrad in business management, then got my MBA right after. And once I was done there, I moved with a friend to DC where I ran numbers for a small firm that handled legal affairs. Then I got hired by the FBI to work in their accounting department, and that’s where I met Beatrice and the others. And yeah…that’s pretty much the crash course version of my life story.”

“Did you always want to go into accounting?” Ava asked.

Teresa laughed. “Not at all. I actually wanted to study photography.”

“Ah, so you never got to be audit you can be?” Ava deadpanned. Teresa rose an eyebrow. “Sorry." Ava shrugged. "Sometimes I can’t help myself. Anyways, what happened?”

“My parents.” Teresa sighed. “They would only help me pay for school if I was studying something practical. And I wasn’t brave enough to go against them. So, I picked business on a whim and, as it turns out, I’m actually pretty good at what I do. It’s by no means exciting, but it pays the bills. And I’ve met some really good people through my work, so I really can’t complain.”

Ava nodded. “As far as friends go, I’d say you picked a pretty great group to be a part of.”

“Yeah, I definitely did.” Teresa glanced at Ava form the corner of her eye. “They talk about you all the time, you know.” Ava tilted her head. “You’re in all of their stories. Before I met you, you were like this crazy enigma. I actually was starting to doubt if you were even a real person and not some figment of their imagination.”

“And? What do you think now that you’ve met me?”

Teresa gave her a cheeky smile. “You definitely don’t live up to the hype.”

Ava laughed. “Touché.”

They turned the ridge and the trail sloped at a steeper incline as the path narrowed, boulders jutting out the sides. Mary and Shannon had just disappeared over the top. Ava knew they would have to use their hands to climb their way up. This was her favorite part of hiking, when it became more like gentle rock climbing.

Teresa stared at the path incredulously. “Oh god, I’m going to die.” She said dramatically.

Ava chuckled. “Well, you know what they say. There are only two things in life that are inevitable; death and taxes.” Teresa was groaning before Ava could even finish her joke. “But at least death only happens once, am I right?”

“Are you ever going to quit it with the accounting jokes?”

“That’s highly unlikely.” Ava said with a grin. “Follow me; just put your hands and feet where I put mine and we’ll be up this in no time.”

Ava made the ascent, trying to pick the easiest route so that Teresa could copy her movements, and just as she promised they were at the top of the trail in no time. Teresa was breathing hard as she hauled herself over the top, and Ava figured she could use a quick break before they continued.

“Mary!” Ava called to get her friend’s attention. Mary turned and started walking back towards Ava from where she was further up the trail. “Can you ask the others to stop for a quick water break?” Mary nodded and jogged back up the trail to relay the message.

Teresa looked at Ava gratefully. “Thanks,” She whispered, seeming almost embarrassed.

Ava gave her a kind smile. “Sure. Don’t be scared to tell us when you need a break. Hiking is hard if you’ve never done it, we get that.”

Ava and Teresa quickly caught up to the others, who were standing off to one side of the trail and sipping at bottles of water to rehydrate.

Beatrice smiled as they approached. “Are you okay?” She asked, though it wasn’t clear who the question was directed at.

“You guys hike way too fast.” Teresa said in response as she moved to Beatrice’s side, resting her head on Beatrice’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” Beatrice said, wrapping an arm around Teresa’s waist. “I forgot you’re not used to this. You should’ve said something sooner.”

Teresa smiled sheepishly. “I didn’t want to slow you down. Besides, Ava was keeping me company back there, so it wasn’t all bad.”

Beatrice glanced at Ava curiously. “Oh, really?”

Ava gave her a roguish look. “Yup. We’ve been bonding. Better watch out, Bea. Your girlfriend just might be replacing you as my new best friend.”

Teresa laughed. “Sure; stop poking fun at my profession and maybe I’ll consider it.”

Beatrice gasped at Ava in mock offense, placing a hand on her chest. “Eleven years of friendship and this is how you repay me?”

“Sorry, but Teresa claimed it would be a good investment and I’ve got to trust the professionals.” Ava said with a shrug.

“Good lord.” Teresa groaned. “Bea, how do you put up with her?” Beatrice and Ava just laughed.

Mary, Lilith, Camila, and Shannon watched the interaction with amused expressions; eyebrows raised, and heads tilted slightly. If Ava hadn’t been busy trying to find ways to make Beatrice smile, she would’ve noticed the knowing looks Mary and Lilith were subtly shooting at each other.

The group set off again at a (slightly) slower pace, and Ava found herself towards the front of the pack now while Beatrice took her place in the back with Teresa. They had only been hiking for maybe five minutes when Lilith and Camila came up on either side of Ava, sandwiching her in between them.

“What are you playing at?” Lilith asked quietly so that her voice wouldn’t carry.

Ava glanced around. “What do you mean?”

“You’re friends with Teresa now?” Camila whispered from Ava’s other side.

“I wouldn’t say we’re friends…just friendly. What’s the problem?” Ava said. She looked at Lilith accusingly. “You told me to try to get to know her. So, I’m trying.”

“Yes, get to know her, not manipulate her.” Lilith hissed. “You’re scheming something; I can feel it.”

Ava frowned. “I’m not manipulating anyone.” She snapped, careful to make sure her voice was still lowered. “I swear I’m not! I was just being nice. Last I checked, that’s not a crime.”

“Oh, sure.” Lilith said. “But you still being in love with Beatrice changes things.”

Ava’s eyes widened and she rounded on Camila. “You told her?”

Camila looked down at her feet guiltily. “You should know by now that anything you say to me will be relayed to Lilith. We don’t keep secrets from each other.”

Ava scoffed. “Well, in that case,” She looked back at Lilith. “Camila called you a demon yesterday.”

“What?” Lilith asked as Camila smacked Ava’s arm and said “Hey!”

Just then, Mary and Shannon caught up with them, poking their heads into the mix. “Are we talking about whatever plan Ava’s got brewing in that weird mind of hers?” Mary asked innocently.

Ava glared at her. “I’m not planning anything! You’re all impossible!”

And Ava jogged on ahead of the group, putting plenty of distance between herself and her friends, who were laughing loudly behind her.

They got to the top of Maggie’s Peak a little after noon, and the view was incredible. Ava found it amazing that even after all of the peaks she’s been to, she was always awestruck to find the world stretched out before her.

While she was looking out at the beauty that was Tahoe, Ava was brought back to a different peak in a very different part of the world. It was when hiking through the Grampians in Australia that she had ‘found’ herself, so to speak. Where she had fully realized what it was she wanted. Ava’s eyes shifted to where Beatrice and Teresa were standing together, pointing at the lake in the distance and talking quietly to each other.

Beatrice. It had always been Beatrice.

“Group picture time!” Camila called out from the vantage point her and Lilith had claimed. Ava smiled and joined the rest of her friends as they all gathered together to take a selfie (with Lilith holding the camera because her arms were the longest). There was a steep drop off just a few feet away from the rocks they had crammed together on, but Ava felt safe while surrounded by her friends. It was silly and fun, and the pictures came out great as everyone passed around Lilith’s phone to take a look.

After the large group picture came smaller group pictures. Ava found herself forced into pictures with Mary and Shannon, Camila and Lilith, Lilith and Beatrice, just Camila, and Lilith, Camila, Beatrice, and Mary.

“Ava,” Teresa said as Ava was checking the most recent picture on Camila’s phone. “Can you take a picture of me and Beatrice, please?”

Ava grimaced slightly, but the smile on Beatrice’s face as Ava took the phone Teresa passed her left no room for Ava to disagree. Ava’s natural instinct was to take a bunch of selfies while pretending to take snapshots of the couple, but she crushed down that urge and instead did as she asked, figuring a good picture would make Beatrice happy.

“Okay, I took quite a few. I’m sure there will be at least one you like.” Ava said, lowering the phone as she started scrolling through the camera.

And that’s when it happened.

Ava saw it all as if in slow motion.

One second, Beatrice was smiling arm-in-arm with Teresa, and the next her foot was slipping on loose gravel.

And Beatrice, who was always so calm, so steady; was unbalanced.

The drop-off behind her was too close. And Beatrice was

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Chapter Text

Three Years Ago

“What’s that constellation called again?” Ava asked, gesturing vaguely towards the sky.

Beatrice chuckled. “Can you be a little more specific?”

“The small one; in the triangle you were talking about. The fox?”

“Vulpecula.” Beatrice said. “And Sagitta is right below it.”

“Vulpecula.” Ava repeated, as if trying to commit the name to memory. “I can see why you like that one so much.”

Beatrice looked over at her girlfriend lying next to her on the beach, one hand behind her head to prop herself up and the other hand tangled with Beatrice’s, her thumb rubbing soft circles against Beatrice’s skin. Of all of the different parts and sides of Ava, this was the one that Beatrice loved the most; the one that was calm and soft and mesmerized by the beauty of the world as they stared up at the endless night sky stretched out before them.

It was Beatrice’s idea to stargaze tonight. It had been a long week of final exams and final projects to end the spring semester of their senior year of college, and instead of spending the evening holed up in one of their apartments, Beatrice thought it would be nice to escape from the city for a little while for a brief respite before fully engaging with senior week and preparing for their graduation ceremony looming ahead. Ava had been thrilled at the idea, so they packed Beatrice’s car and drove north, coming to rest at a small lake just over the Massachusetts/New Hampshire border where they could make their way down to the water and post up on the empty beach.

They had been there for what felt like hours already; a bottle of wine, emptied long ago, lying in the sand by their feet, and shooting stars emblazoned behind their eye lids every time they closed their eyes. There was a chill in the air, but Beatrice was warm with Ava pressed snugly against her side and a blanket draped over their legs, and Beatrice figured she could stay like this forever.

“I can’t get over how beautiful the sky can be out here, away from the city lights.” Ava said wistfully.

“Yeah,” Beatrice whispered (but she wasn’t looking at the sky). “Beautiful.”

As if feeling Beatrice’s gaze, Ava turned her head to look at Beatrice; her smile brighter than the stars could ever be.

“Thank you, for doing this with me.” Ava breathed, voice soft and full of adoration (and Beatrice had known for a while that Ava was it, but she still found so much wonder in the ways that Ava could love her).

“Thank you for loving me.” Beatrice said huskily.

Ava grinned. “How could I not?” She rolled onto her side so that her face was hovering just above Beatrice’s, and Beatrice could feel her pulse quicken at the sudden increased proximity. “How could I not love all that you are? You are the most beautiful,” Ava pressed a quick kiss to Beatrice’s lips. “Sexy,” another kiss. “Intelligent,” a third kiss. “Kindhearted person I know. I never really stood a chance when it came to you.”

Beatrice smiled hard into their next kiss.

“You are far too kind to me.” She said breathlessly once Ava drew away again, ghosting her fingers against Ava’s cheeks.

“Never.” Ava said. “I want you to see yourself the way that I see you.”

Beatrice didn’t think her heart could ever feel so full (but Ava was never one to back down from a challenge).

“So…sexiest, huh?” Beatrice said suggestively.

“Absolutely,” Ava smirked, tracing a finger slowly down Beatrice’s chest. “No doubt about it.”

Beatrice squirmed under her touch. “I think I’m going to need you to prove it to me.”

“Oh, no! What a hardship.” Ava teased. She leaned down to capture Beatrice’s lips with hers again, while simultaneously pulling the blanket further over their bodies.

And Beatrice let herself get lost in her forever.

***

Present Day

Beatrice had never been what one would consider ‘clumsy’. She wasn’t uncoordinated in the slightest. In fact, she was usually downright graceful.

But when one rolls their ankle, even the most elegant people tend to fall from grace.

Beatrice wasn’t sure how it happened. One moment she was smiling next to Teresa while they took a cute couple’s picture together, then she was stepping onto her left foot at a strange angle, feeling her ankle give out from under her. The ground was slippery with loose gravel, and suddenly she was sliding to the edge of the drop-off.

Probably shouldn’t have gotten so close to the edge. Beatrice thought wryly. What a stupid way to die.

Beatrice’s eyes slammed shut.

And then she was falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Except she wasn’t. Not really.

Gravity didn’t manage to take her very far, because there was suddenly another force to counteract all of Beatrice’s downward momentum.

Beatrice briefly noticed a tight grip on her upper arm, and then she was being yanked back to her feet, safely on top of the rock she had almost just slipped right off of.

It was Ava (because of course it was). One hand was wrapped tightly around Beatrice’s arm (so tightly Beatrice was momentarily concerned that all blood flow would be cut off above her elbow) and the other circling around Beatrice’s opposite wrist. Ava’s face was only inches away from Beatrice’s and was ghostly white, all color drained away as she stared at Beatrice. But it was the look of fear that resided in Ava’s eyes that scared Beatrice more than anything.

“Jesus, Beatrice.” Ava’s voice was strained, laced with desperation and something that felt very much like anger. “You’ve got to be careful up here!” Beatrice’s brain felt slow and sluggish as Ava’s fear and adrenaline washed over her. She barely even noticed the sharp pain shooting up her left ankle as all she could focus on was Ava’s touch as it burned into her and the use of her full name as it fell from Ava’s lips.

“Sorry,” Beatrice breathed. “It’s hard to be careful when I was too busy falling for you.”

Ava blinked in shock as Beatrice cracked an age old joke between them that had started on a different hike up a different mountain, where their roles had been reversed as Ava had slipped off a fallen tree she was attempting to use as a bridge to cross a small stream. Sure, the direness of the two situations was completely different, but it was the only thing Beatrice could think to say in this moment to ease the worry lines that were creasing across Ava’s forehead and her own anxiety that was steadily building in her chest.

“Really? You almost just died, and that’s what you go with?” Ava let out a weak chuckle. “I thought poorly times jokes were supposed to be my thing.”

You almost just died.

Beatrice glanced behind her at the drop-off, and the realization of how close she had come to falling straight to the bottom crashed into her. She gasped out a ragged breath, suddenly feeling like she couldn’t get enough air into her lungs. Her heart was racing as she looked back at Ava, focusing in on Ava’s dark eyes and the way they kept flickering across Beatrice’s face, as if afraid she wasn’t really there at all.

Ava’s thumbs rubbed soft circles against Beatrice’s skin from where she still held her, pulling Beatrice in closer. “It’s okay,” Ava’s voice was impossibly soft. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.” (It had been a long time since Beatrice had considered Ava as safe, but –)

“You saved my life.” Beatrice whispered. “I could’ve just – you stopped me from – I can’t – thank you.” She wasn’t usually one to stutter, but it had been a strange day so far.

Ava smiled, but before she could say anything, Teresa was there (whom Beatrice later registered had instinctually jumped several feet away from the edge once Beatrice had started falling). She threw her arms around Beatrice and pulled her even further away from the drop-off, and Ava was forced to let her go. “Beatrice!” Teresa cried, her voice cracking. “Are you okay?” She didn’t even leave Beatrice room to respond before Teresa turned to Ava. “Thank god you were there, Ava. You’re like, a hero!”

Ava seemed almost uncomfortable at the praise, but Teresa was 100% right. Ava was a hero. If Ava hadn’t been there to keep Beatrice from the edge…Beatrice shuddered at the thought of what could have just happened.

“Teresa…” Ava picked up something off of the ground, breaking eye contact with Beatrice for the first time since pulling her away from the edge (Beatrice’s eyes remained on her though). It was Teresa’s cell phone she was holding; Ava must have dropped it in her desperate lunge to help Beatrice. A large crack was spiderwebbing across the screen. “I’m so sorry, it slipped right out of my hands.” Ava said guiltily.

Teresa took her phone back, not even looking at her cracked screen. “I’ll take a broken phone over a broken Beatrice any day.” She said. She gave Ava one last look of awe before returning her attention to Beatrice, glancing her over to make sure she wasn’t seriously hurt. “You sure you’re okay?”

Beatrice nodded shakily, even as her ankle throbbed underneath her. But, as Teresa had implied, a small injury was nothing compared to the fate she had almost succumbed to. She still hadn’t taken her eyes off of Ava, who was watching her with a mixture of concern, relief, and something else that Beatrice couldn’t quite read (it was always disconcerting when Beatrice couldn’t read Ava).

“What’s going on?” Mary’s voice broke through as her and Shannon climbed up to join Beatrice, Ava, and Teresa. They looked confused when they noticed how pale the three women were and how Teresa was still holding on to Beatrice protectively.

Beatrice felt numb, too numb to form words coherently, and Ava was fidgeting with the left over adrenaline of the near accident, so it was Teresa who explained the situation; recounting how Beatrice had almost fallen to her inevitable death, had Ava not reacted so quickly and (uncharacteristically) precise in her rescue efforts.

It felt like a long time later that Beatrice’s hands stopped shaking (even as Teresa held them tightly), and her lungs started working again (even though Ava made sure she lived to breathe for another day).

After the rather exciting events on the peak, the group collectively decided to start the hike back to the trailhead as soon as possible, not wanting to tempt any other potential life-threatening incidents. After a quick lunch and some last glances at the beautiful view, they packed their bags back up and began the trek down.

Mary, Lilith, and Ava were walking just ahead of Beatrice and Teresa, who’s arm was wrapped around Beatrice’s waist to give her extra support on her bad ankle (and they both noticed how frequently Ava checked over her shoulder, as if making sure Beatrice was still there with them).

Beatrice could tell she wasn’t supposed to overhear, but Lilith’s voice still carried back to her as she whispered to Ava, “Well, that’s certainly one way to win someone over.” Ava immediately smacked Lilith’s arm and hissed at her to be quiet.

Ava looked back at Beatrice again and their eyes met for the briefest moment; a shared look full of something Beatrice had been trying her very hardest to forget about. Beatrice dropped her gaze to the ground beneath her feet at the same time that Teresa’s arm tightened around her waist, and Beatrice suddenly felt far too warm than the shaded mountain trail called for.

-

Ava flopped down on the couch in the living room of the lake house the second they got back, thoroughly exhausted from the day’s events. The seven-mile hike had been one thing, but Beatrice’s close call was another thing all together. Ava was no stranger to stress, but the thought of losing Beatrice in that way was too much for her to handle.

It had been a quick hike back down to the trailhead, even with Beatrice’s ankle worse for wear. Ava had stuck close to her, never more than an arm’s length away, just in case Beatrice stumbled on her injury or needed a shoulder to lean on (Beatrice was strong though; had always been so strong), and if anyone had noticed their constant proximity, no one had said anything about it. But what really got her was that Beatrice never seemed to stop looking at Ava; Ava could feel her gaze burning into her back all the way from the peak of the mountain until they got into their separate cars for the drive back to the house. And though it had stemmed from a near-miss, it was the most in sync Ava had felt with Beatrice since before she had gone to Australia (and essentially ruined everything).

Camila and Lilith volunteered to pick up dinner for the group (bless them) and left to get some pizzas from a nearby shop soon after they all returned to the house. The rest of them took the time to shower and clean up after sweating in the sun and trekking through nature all day (and Mary and Shannon took a quick power nap, completely worn out after the early start to their mornings). After Ava showered and changed, she sat outside on the back porch, sipping a beer and letting the sound of the lake calm her as the waves lapped lazily at the shore. She still felt wired after Beatrice’s near fall, unable to forget the look of fear that had possessed Beatrice’s face when she lost her footing. It was an image that would haunt Ava for a long time.

Beatrice joined Ava on the porch not too long later, sitting next to her on the steps and popping the cap off of her own beer. They sat in silence for a few heartbeats, not quite touching but with an unmistakable energy crackling between them in the heat of the summer evening.

“You saved my life today.” Beatrice finally said, taking a swig of her drink. “I am incredibly grateful to you, Ava Silva.”

Ava smiled down at her feet, not trusting herself to look at Beatrice as her heart swelled to a point where she feared it might burst open all together. “You’re welcome, Bea.” Her voice felt scratchy. “I’m just so relieved…if anything had happened to you, I don’t know what I would have done.”

“Ava –”

Ava turned to Beatrice, meeting her gentle gaze and feeling her own eyes well up in silent tears as Ava looked at her best friend and the most important person in her world. “I know I’ve made more mistakes than I could ever be allotted for, and I’m not worth your trust, not even a little bit. But I will always be here for you Beatrice. I will never hesitate to pull you away from the cliff; literally, metaphorically, however you need me to. I’m done putting myself first. I’m done running away from the things that matter most to me.”

Ava’s fingers brushed carefully against Beatrice’s cheek, and Beatrice closed her eyes.

“I want to believe you, Ava.” Beatrice whispered. “I really want to believe you.”

“That’s okay. I don’t expect you to. Not now. But we’ve got time.” Ava’s fingers danced across Beatrice’s cheek like a promise. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Ava wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, leaning into each other and allowing their hearts to beat in unison. Everything was still around them, so still (and Beatrice never once pulled away).

They only broke apart out of their private moment in time when Teresa opened the back door, peeking her head out as she looked for Beatrice. Ava dropped her hand so quickly, feeling as if she had been burned, as Beatrice jumped up from her spot on the steps.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Teresa said, and her voice was laced with a tension that was reminiscent of the other day when they had interacted on the beach, and none of the friendliness that had existed between her and Ava earlier when they were hiking and connecting. Ava had to look away as guilt suddenly welled up inside of her. “I was just looking for you, Bea. Camila and Lilith are back with dinner.”

“Right,” Beatrice cleared her throat uncomfortably. “Let’s go eat then.” She hastily walked to Teresa’s side, pressing a quick kiss to her girlfriend’s cheek, before turning back to Ava. “Are you coming?”

“I’ll be right there.” Ava said, needing a moment to collect herself before rejoining the others. Beatrice nodded briefly, then allowed Teresa to lead her inside, closing the door softly behind them and leaving Ava alone once more. Ava sighed and wrapped her arms around her legs, pulling her knees in close to her chest and trying to steady her spluttering heart, hoping desperately that the careful stitches Beatrice had just sewed didn’t tear open again.

-

Ava groaned when her coin landed in the square that said ‘Tequila!’.

“That’s the second time in a row! This game is rigged.” Ava complained as Mary snorted, passing Ava the bottle of tequila.

“You just suck at flipping coins. There’s literally so much empty space to aim for.” Lilith said. “Now, drink up.”

Ava grimaced as she took her shot, coughing slightly as the tequila burned her throat. “Why do I feel like I’m the only one who’s had to drink during this game?”

After dinner, they decided to engage in a rousing game of Pizza Box (seeing as they had plenty of pizza boxes to use). The game was simple; they had the pizza box open and spread out on the kitchen table and took turns flipping a coin into the box. Wherever the coin landed, the person who tossed it got to draw a shape of their desire around the coin and write a rule into the shape. If the coin were to land in a space on the box that already had a rule, the coin tosser would have to do as the rule requested. So far, Ava had to take multiple shots of tequila, had to perform an interpretive dance to Chandelier by Sia, had to speak in a German accent for a round, had to let Lilith take a body shot off of her, and (her personal favorite) had to spend a round wearing six different coats at the same time (it had gotten real warm under there, but at least Ava hadn’t had to drink more or do anything mildly embarrassing). Though the night was still young, Ava was definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol coursing through her system.

Shannon flipped the coin, landing in a space that said, ‘Tell an embarrassing story about someone else in the game’. She laughed as she read the rule, then smiled mischievously at Ava next to her.

Ava groaned. “Haven’t I gone through enough tonight already?”

“There’s just so many good ones about you though.” Shannon said.

Lilith leaned forward excitedly. “Oh, do go on.”

“I hate you all.” Ava muttered.

Shannon’s smile got even wider. “The one I’m thinking of happened when we went to Hawaii. It involves you and Beatrice, a wholesome day at the beach, and a rogue jellyfish.”

“Oh, god.” Beatrice said, covering her face with her hands. “Why Shannon?”

Teresa glanced between Beatrice and Shannon in interest. “I don’t think I’ve heard this one before.” She said, while squeezing softly at Beatrice’s shoulder. Ever since they had sat down for dinner, it had seemed like there wasn’t a moment since where Teresa wasn’t touching Beatrice in some way. Ava tried not to pay attention, but it was hard not to when the couple was sitting directly across the table from Ava and their eyes always seemed to be on her. Ava chalked up the constant contact to the fact that Beatrice had literally almost died that afternoon and Teresa was just grateful to have her here and out of harm’s way (and not for any other reason, especially not one that might have had to do with the way Teresa had caught Ava and Beatrice together out on the porch (yeah, definitely not that)).

Ava forced a laugh, putting her hands behind her head as she leaned back in her chair. “You know what? This story might actually be worse for Bea than it is for me. Go ahead Shannon.”

“Well,” Shannon began, mostly addressing Teresa. “We all went to Hawaii a few years ago on our yearly retreat, and one day when we were there, Ava and Beatrice decided to go for a morning swim in the ocean.”

“I went for a morning swim.” Beatrice cut in. “I don’t think Ava’s flailing in water can be counted as swimming.”

“That’s true enough.” Mary smirked, while Ava shot Beatrice an indignant look. Beatrice just stuck her tongue out at Ava in response (and Ava pretended not to notice the slight frown Teresa shot her before returning her attention to Shannon).

Shannon nodded. “Sure, okay. So, Beatrice went swimming and, wouldn’t you know it, she swims right into a hoard of wild jellyfish.”

Teresa’s eyes widened.

“It wasn’t a hoard,” Beatrice interjected again. “There were like, three jellyfish tops.”

“Nah, there was definitely more than that.” Ava decided.

“Doesn’t matter,” Shannon said before Beatrice could argue further. “The amount of jellyfish is irrelevant. What matters, is that Beatrice received quite a few stings from these rogue jellies. And, you know the myth about the best way to cure a jellyfish sting, right?” Shannon’s question was directed at Teresa, who’s lips were pulling up in a smile.

“Oh, you didn’t…” Teresa was fully smirking now as she looked at Beatrice, who was covering her face with her hands again.

“In my defense,” Beatrice said through her fingers. “I was in a lot of pain and Ava made it sound very reasonable.”

Teresa turned her attention to Ava, who was biting her lip to keep herself from laughing at Beatrice’s mortification “So, you…”

“That’s right.” Ava admitted, feeling herself blush. “I peed on her!” Mary, Lilith, and Shannon burst into laughter while Beatrice stared at the ceiling, refusing to look anyone in the eye. Camila was shaking her head in amusement while Teresa looked downright incredulous as she looked between Ava and Beatrice.

“And, for the record,” Ava continued as she looked around the table. “I would do it again! I would pee on any one of you if I had to. That’s how much I care about you all. That includes you, too, Teresa!” Even Beatrice laughed at that.

“I don’t know if I should feel flattered or threatened right now.” Teresa said.

“Threatened,” Mary decided. “Definitely threatened.”

“So, the real question…” Teresa rose her eyebrows at Beatrice. “Did it work?”

Ava had to cover her mouth to stop herself from laughing as Beatrice said, “No! Not even a little bit. I let her pee on me for nothing!”

“I’m sorry okay, I really thought it would work!” Ava cried. And when Beatrice leveled her with a playful glare, laughter dancing in her warm eyes, Ava could’ve sworn she felt sparks fly.

The pizza box game continued for a while longer. Some of the hits included Lilith prank calling the pizza place they had ordered from and professing her undying love to the employee that answered the phone, Camila and Mary having to wrestle each other (which Camila totally won), Beatrice singing Avril Lavigne’s Sk8ter Boi a cappella style while sitting in the bathtub (a rule that Ava was proud to have come up with, and a video she would never be deleting), Shannon concocting her own beverage that Teresa had to drink (a strange mixture of whiskey, beer, tequila, and lemonade that was dubbed 'Shannon’s Special Surprise'), and Ava having to draw a portrait of Mary while blindfolded (it looked about as good as you can imagine considering Ava’s atrocious penmanship and inability to see what she was doing…Mary pretended to be offended by Ava’s depiction, but Shannon loved it and said she would get the portrait framed to hang up when they got home).

After the game came to a natural end, Camila put some music on and suddenly they were dancing. The furniture in the living room got pushed to the sides and it all felt very college-like, as they sang at the top of their lungs and danced like no one was watching. It was fun and freeing and reminded Ava of simpler times when things were easy and there was no pain or resentment between her and her friends.

Ava could feel herself gravitating towards Beatrice (she always gravitated towards Beatrice). But every time Ava got close, Teresa was there. Always in between them. Ava shouldn’t have minded. It was natural for Teresa to be close to her girlfriend. Yet, the simple act of keeping Ava out was setting Ava’s teeth on edge.

She’s not yours. She’s not yours. She’s not yours.

It was like a mantra playing over and over again through Ava’s brain as she put distance between herself and Beatrice. She stuck close to Shannon and Mary, laughing as Shannon spun her in circles and Mary’s arm wrapped tightly around her neck, keeping her close and safe with them. But still, every time Ava broke and glanced behind her, Beatrice seemed to already be looking at Ava from over Teresa’s shoulder.

And it was maddening.

Being this near Beatrice and not being able to touch her. Having Beatrice look at her in the way that she was and knowing it couldn’t mean what Ava desperately wanted it to mean. Watching Teresa press her lips to Beatrice’s over and over again as if she was laying claim to her.

And there was nothing Ava could do about it. Because Beatrice wasn’t hers. And it was Ava’s own damn fault that Beatrice and Teresa were even together in the first place.

The worst part was, Ava sort of liked Teresa, despite her best efforts not to. She liked the way Teresa had teased her back on the mountain and the way banter seemed to flow so easily between them. She liked the way Teresa seemed to mesh with her friend group like she had been there this whole time. She liked the fiery spirit Teresa seemed to embody and the loyalty she showed to Beatrice. But she also knew that as long as Teresa and Beatrice were together, it was highly unlikely that Ava and Teresa could ever be considered as friends.

Ava felt herself freeze completely when she (again) searched for Beatrice and found Teresa leading her to a dark corner of the room, where she pressed Beatrice against the wall and slammed their lips together in a searing kiss. It was intimate and passionate, and Teresa’s hands were everywhere as they roamed over Beatrice, and though Ava could feel everything within her shattering, she still couldn’t look away. Not until a warm hand slipped into hers and pulled Ava out of her trance. Camila squeezed Ava’s hand harder, giving Ava that soft and loving smile she always sported to bring her back to the present. Ava tried to ignore the pitying looks Mary and Shannon were shooting her and let herself get lost in the warm feeling of her friends again.

It wasn’t much longer after that the dance party came to an end and turned into a music sharing hour instead, with the girls spread out on the couches and taking turns Chrome Casting old music videos to the TV and indulging in some of their favorite VH1 memories. Ava had her head in Camila’s lap, watching the music video for I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers (Shannon’s song choice) and laughing along with her friends as Shannon and Mary harmonized with the music.

From the other couch, Ava watched as Teresa got to her feet from where she had been cuddling with Beatrice, stretching her arms over her head as she yawned.

“Ready for bed?” She asked Beatrice.

Beatrice didn’t get up, though. “I’ll be up in a bit,” She said. “I want to hang out a little longer and ice my ankle one last time before calling it a night.” Ava noticed that Teresa seemed a little put out by that response, but she just leaned over and kissed Beatrice again.

“Okay, I guess I can try to wait up for you, then. Just don’t take too long.” Ava tried not to roll her eyes at Teresa’s suggestive tone. “I love you, Bea.”

Ava held her breath, listening hard.

But Beatrice just whispered good night, and those three little words were left hanging ominously in the air as Teresa headed upstairs to her bedroom.

(Ava knew it was wrong for her to have hope, but she really couldn’t help having some anyways.)

Ava wandered into the kitchen a few minutes later, with Back Here by BBMAK playing in the background (Camila’s song choice). Ava’s head was starting to spin and she felt incredibly unsteady as she began to clean the kitchen, throwing out empty beer bottles and cans and clearing the kitchen table from their earlier drinking games. Ava started washing some dishes left over from dinner, just to give her hands something to do, while her mind replayed the scene earlier in the evening on the back porch between her and Beatrice.

She hadn’t been imagining it, had she? The way Beatrice had been looking at her, had leaned into her, had surrounded her every essence. There was something still there between them, buried beneath layers and layers of hurt and self-preservation. Maybe it was because Ava had saved her life, or maybe it was because 10 years of love is a lot of time to let go of, but there had definitely been something more between them. Beatrice hadn’t said I love you back. That had to mean something…right?

Ava gripped the edges of the sink as she closed her eyes, willing the world to stop moving around her so that she could catch her breath. She was too drunk to think about this; too far gone to make presumptions and have this unrealistic amount of hope bubbling silently in her chest.

She’s not yours. She’s not yours. She’s not yours.

Ava stifled a sob as she felt her emotions take over, turmoil rolling around inside her and threatening to take control.

“Ava?” Mary was there, sounding concerned and placing a comforting hand on Ava’s shoulder. Ava lifted her head, blinking back tears and trying to slow her breathing as she turned to face her friend.

“What’s wrong?”

Ava shook her head. “Nothing, nothing. I’m just drunk and tired and it’s been a really long day.” She couldn’t stop her voice breaking.

Mary rubbed soothing circles against Ava’s back. “It’s okay, Ava. It’s all going to be okay.” Ava sniffled, and suddenly Mary was pulling her into a tight embrace, giving Ava the warmth and affection she so desperately craved. Ava buried her face into Mary’s neck as she fell apart completely, overwhelmed by the events of the day and the feelings in her heart that were all too much for her to handle.

“I really, really miss her, Mary.” Ava gasped into Mary’s shoulder. Mary just gripped her harder, unwavering and strong in the wake of Ava’s sudden wave of emotion as she lost herself in her heartbreak.

“I know, kid. I know.” And they stayed like that long after the rest of their friends had all gone on up to bed.

For tonight, at least, Ava would let herself feel.

Tonight, she would let herself be weak and vulnerable.

Tonight, she would let herself mourn the love that she had long since lost.

Chapter Text

One Year Ago

Ava stumbled out of the bar, her vision blurring and her steps more than a little unsteady as she began the long walk back to her hostel for the night. She had maybe indulged in too many drinks tonight, but she was hoping the cool air would help sober her up a bit.

She walked slowly along the Yarra River, relishing in the Melbourne night life as the sounds of laughter and conversations of late-night bar patrons filtered through her ears. Ava kept a close eye on her feet, careful not to take any missteps as she punched the address of the hostel she was staying at into her phone, so as to have an idea of the fastest route back. It had been a long night of bar hopping and drinking and she was more than ready to get some sleep. Ava was just debating on whether or not it would be worth paying for an Uber to take her to the hostel instead, when she saw her.

Ava stopped dead in her tracks as she stared straight ahead at the group of three women that had just walked out of a bar to Ava’s right. It was her. It had to be her. Ava would recognize her anywhere.

She had come for Ava. After months of silence and heartbreak, she had still come for Ava.

“Beatrice!” Ava shouted, kicking her body into gear as she closed the space between them. She couldn’t believe it. Beatrice was here, in Australia. Beatrice was looking for her. Beatrice would forgive her.

“Bea!” Ava said grabbing the woman’s shoulder to get her attention.

(Ava realized her mistake before the woman had even turned around.)

She was taller than Beatrice. Her hair was just a shade lighter; Ava could tell even in the dim lighting of the river walk. And when she turned around at Ava’s touch, there was nothing in her face that was reminiscent of Beatrice’s warm eyes and even warmer smile.

It was like being plunged into a tank of ice water. Ava took several steps back, feeling confused and embarrassed and extremely, extremely disappointed.

“Can I help you?” The woman asked her, though not unkindly. Her accent was decidedly Australian (and not the British accent Ava craved to hear). Her and her two friends were staring at Ava uncertainly as she fumbled out an apology.

“S – sorry.” Ava stuttered. “I thought you were someone I knew. Sorry for bothering you.”

Ava’s breathing was ragged, and she knew she must’ve looked slightly deranged based on the pitying looks the women were giving her. “Are you okay?” Not-Beatrice asked. “Do you have somewhere safe to stay tonight?”

“Yeah,” Ava nodded, taking a moment to appreciate the woman’s kindness. “Yeah, no, I’m fine. Thanks”

Not-Beatrice didn’t seem convinced. “You sure? You can stay with us if you need to. Or we can get you an Uber?”

“No, no.” Ava started backing away, feeling overwhelmed. “Really, I’m all set. Sorry again, for bothering you. Have a nice night.” And then Ava was running away from the kind strangers and from the ghosts that had been haunting her.

After putting plenty of space between herself and Not-Beatrice, Ava finally stopped running, finding a vacant bench by the river and sinking into it while she pulled her phone out of her pocket. Her hands were shaking as she unlocked her phone and scrolled through her contacts before finding the name of the person she so desperately wished to speak to. She just wanted to hear her voice, even if just for a second.

Ava pressed the call button and brought the phone to her ear, hoping against all hope that she wouldn’t end the call the second Ava’s name flashed across her phone screen.

But Beatrice answered on the second ring, and Ava felt like she took her first real breath in months.

“Ava?”

Ava broke at the sound of Real-Beatrice’s voice.

“What’s wrong?” Beatrice asked through the phone, and Ava just sobbed harder. “Ava, please talk to me. Where are you? Are you okay?”

“I –” Ava gasped out. “Sorry – It’s just really nice to hear your voice.”

“Okay,” There was a pause while Ava breathed heavily into the phone. “It’s really nice to hear your voice too.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t called.” Ava whispered. “I’m sorry I left the way I did. I’m sorry I broke us.”

“Ava –”

“I think I’m broken, Bea.” Ava clutched her phone even harder in her hands. “I’ve been broken for a really long time and I don’t know how to put myself back together.”

Beatrice didn’t answer.

“Are you still there?” Ava was almost too scared to ask.

The silence stretched, but then – “Yeah, I’m still here.”

“I thought I saw you tonight.” Ava explained. “I thought you were here. And there was a fleeting moment where I was so happy.” She closed her eyes. “Thank you for answering when I called.”

“What do you want from me, Ava?”

“I just want you. Always you.”

It was all Ava had to offer. Maybe, for now, it could be enough.

(It wasn’t. But Beatrice stayed on the phone with her anyways, even hours later when Ava had long since fallen asleep).

***

Present Day – Thursday Morning

Beatrice knew she was hungover before she even opened her eyes.

The morning sunlight was streaming in through the bedroom window, way too bright, and Beatrice’s head pounded as she put an arm over her face to try to block out the light. She rolled over to her stomach, pressing her face into her pillow and reaching out an arm to wrap around Teresa. Her efforts came up empty, however, as she soon discovered that Teresa was no longer in the bed with her. Accepting defeat, Beatrice finally opened her eyes, squinting around the room, but Teresa was nowhere to be seen.

Beatrice lifted her head, confused to find herself alone. It was still early, just past 8 am. Teresa usually always waited for Beatrice to wake up in the mornings before leaving bed. Beatrice sat up, immediately regretting that decision as her head swam, and she had to take deep breaths to quell her sudden nausea until it subsided. Once she felt remotely okay enough to stand up, Beatrice quickly threw on a soft flannel over her t-shirt and headed downstairs in search of her girlfriend.

Yesterday had been a weird day. From Beatrice’s near-death experience, to the way Ava had been there to protect her, to the way Teresa had been all over her…it had been a lot to take in, to say the least. Beatrice had fallen asleep more than a little confused. Confused as to why Ava had been crying in the kitchen while Mary had comforted her (she had longed to comfort Ava herself but didn’t want to interrupt). Confused as to why Teresa had pretended to be asleep when Beatrice had joined her in their bed (Beatrice could tell based on how tense Teresa’s body had been and the way she kept to her own side of the bed, when usually she would take up more than her fair share of bed and blanket realty). Both were situations Beatrice planned to understand as soon as possible.

Teresa first. Beatrice decided. She had a responsibility to her girlfriend, so Ava could wait until later (and Beatrice swore that had nothing to do with the fact that Ava was still sleeping).

Lilith and Camila were already in the kitchen when Beatrice wandered downstairs, and Camila passed Beatrice a fresh cup of coffee before she even had a chance to ask.

“Morning, Bea!” Camila greeted her brightly, obviously not feeling nearly as gross as Beatrice felt that morning (which wasn’t surprising at all. Camila could drink like a sailor but somehow was immune to hangovers. Beatrice would resent her for this trait, but Camila was always so sweet that it was impossible to even be upset about it). Lilith, on the other hand, was sitting at the kitchen table with her head resting against the wood and her eyes closed, while a bottle of ibuprofen sat open on the table beside her.

“Morning,” Beatrice stirred a splash of cream into her coffee. “Have either of you seen Teresa?” She inquired, surprised that Teresa wasn’t also in the kitchen with their other friends.

“She came down not too long ago,” Lilith mumbled without lifting her head. “Said she was gonna go sit by the lake for a bit.”

“She seemed a little off.” Camila added. “Did something happen?” There was something in the look she gave Beatrice that felt like Camila knew more than she was letting on.

Beatrice frowned. “Not that I’m aware of.” She took a cautious sip of coffee so that it didn’t scald her mouth. “I’m going to go find her. Thanks for the coffee, Cam.”

Camila smiled at her as Beatrice left the kitchen to head out back, pausing only to pat Lilith comfortingly on the back as she passed by. Then she was outside, her eyes seeking out Teresa, who was sitting at the edge of the dock with her feet in the water. Beatrice made her way down the path to join her.

“Please tell me you feel as bad as I do this morning.” Beatrice said as she sat down on the dock next to Teresa, kicking her shoes off so that her bare feet could dip into the cool water. “That pizza box game last night got way too out of hand. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

Teresa gave her an amused look. “Well, you were the one who insisted on drinking whiskey sours most of the night, so it’s not surprising that you’re worse for wear today.”

Beatrice groaned softly. “I shouldn’t have let Ava make them for me. She’s always had a heavy pour.”

Teresa looked away and didn’t respond.

“What?” Beatrice asked with furrowed eyebrows.

Teresa shrugged. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry about it?” Beatrice was confused by the sudden tension between them. “Is something wrong?”

Teresa kicked a foot out, splashing water in an arc in front of them. “Can you be honest with me for a second?” She asked.

“Of course…” Beatrice said hesitantly. It felt like a strange request, considering Beatrice couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t been honest with Teresa.

“Should I be worried?”

“Worried about what?”

Teresa sighed. “About you…and Ava.”

Beatrice stared at her. “What are you talking about?”

“Come on, Bea.” Teresa said, and Beatrice could feel the beginnings of frustration creeping into her voice. “I know you two have a lot of history, and I respect that. But you’re over her, right? You don’t still have feelings for her, do you?”

Beatrice felt taken aback. “What? Why would you think that?”

“Seriously?” Teresa rolled her eyes. “Beatrice, ever since we got here, you’ve been different. And Ava is the only new factor, so it really didn’t take much to put two and two together.” Teresa looked away. “Look, I get it, okay? I like Ava; she’s funny and entertaining and just has something about her that draws you in, so I understand the fascination you all have with her. But, you’re different with her. And it is very apparent that she still has feelings for you, so forgive me for having my concerns.”

Beatrice tightened her grip on her coffee mug, trying to ignore the constricting feeling in her chest at Teresa’s inclinations. “Ava is my best friend; has been for a long time now. We’re always going to be important to each other. That’s all it is.”

“You sure about that?”

“Teresa,” Beatrice knew she was getting defensive, but she couldn’t help herself. “I’m really not understanding you right now. I haven’t done anything wrong. Sure, I’ve been a little affectionate with Ava, and I’m sorry if that’s made you uncomfortable. But I’ve made it very clear to her where we stand, and she’s been respectful of that, whatever feelings she may or may not still have for me.”

Teresa didn’t look convinced. “I see the way you look at her.” She said quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“You look at her the way I wish you would look at me.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

“I –” Beatrice didn’t know what to say.

Teresa shook her head. “Just forget it.”

They were silent for a few moments while Beatrice replayed their conversation in her head, guilt clawing at her insides. She had no ill intentions with her interactions with Ava, and yet she had hurt Teresa anyway.

“What do you want me to do?” Beatrice asked, breaking the silence. “Do you want me to stay away from her?”

“No,” Teresa all but snapped. “I would never ask you to do that. But it would be nice if you would pay a little bit more attention to me and make me your priority again.”

“Okay,” Beatrice accepted. “I’m sorry.”

Teresa met her eyes for a beat, and then her expression finally softened. She twined her fingers with Beatrice’s, squeezing gently. “Thank you.” She said. The corners of her mouth twitched up in the beginnings of a smile. “At least we only have a few days left here. Then we go back to DC and Ava goes back to Boston, and everything can just go back to normal.”

Beatrice murmured her agreement (but the thought somehow made her feel even worse).

-

Something was off with Beatrice this morning.

Ava wasn’t sure what it was, but it was something.

It was in the way Beatrice seemed subdued; the way there seemed to be some sort of lingering tension that existed between Beatrice and Teresa as they all got ready to head down to South Lake for the day, the way Beatrice barely glanced Ava’s way all through breakfast at the little café they found along the beach near the Stateline. It was in the way Beatrice seemed to lose all interest in the conversation the second Ava opened her mouth to speak.

It was strange, to say the least. Things had been good between them just yesterday, and Ava really had no idea what she could have possibly done to upset Beatrice this much since they last spoke. Everyone else seemed to notice how weird things were, too; judging by the side-eye glances Camila and Lilith kept shooting between Ava and Beatrice, and the knowing looks they would then give each other.

Ava asked Mary about it as their group made their way from the café to the Heavenly Mountain Gondola. She tugged at Mary’s sleeve to get her attention and the two of them subtly dropped to the back of their group so as not to be overheard.

“Tell me I’ve just been imagining how cold Beatrice has been to me all morning.” Ava said quietly, eyes wide as she looked to Mary for reassurance.

Mary glanced briefly to where Beatrice was walking stiffly beside Teresa, a good few yards ahead of them. “Oh no, I’ve noticed it, too. What did you do?”

“Nothing!” Ava assured her. “At least I don’t think I did? We haven’t talked at all today.” She hesitated for a moment, then asked, “You didn’t – you didn’t tell her anything about last night, did you?” Ava wouldn’t be forgetting how she had cried herself to sleep while sandwiched safely in between Mary and Shannon any time soon (she also really didn’t need Beatrice to know just how badly she was affecting Ava these days).

“No, I swear I didn’t.” Mary promised. “But you know what you need to do now, right?” Ava gave her what must’ve been a clueless look, because Mary’s following eye roll really was quite impressive. “Go be an adult and just ask her what’s wrong.”

Mary gave Ava a gentle shove in Beatrice’s direction. “What, now?”

“No time like the present!” Mary clapped Ava on the shoulder, then jogged forward to catch up with Shannon.

Ava watched her go sullenly, but Mary was right. Communication was key. And it was Beatrice; she was the one person Ava could talk to about anything. Ava took a deep breath, then made her way to Beatrice’s side.

“Hey,” Ava forced herself to sound cheerful as she pulled up next to Beatrice. Beatrice glanced at her wearily and Teresa offered her a tight smile, but Ava shook off the more than unwelcome greeting from the two of them and plowed on ahead. “Think we can talk for a sec, Bea?” She asked.

Beatrice hesitated, and Ava saw her eyes flicker towards Teresa (who was pointedly looking in the opposite direction). Ava had no idea what was going on between them, but she figured it would be best not to mention the weird tension at the moment. Finally, Beatrice nodded, and they fell back behind their friends as they approached the gondola track up ahead. Camila and Lilith went up to the ticket counter to purchase tickets, but Ava and Beatrice stood a few yards away from where the rest of their friends had gathered.

“So, what’s up?” Beatrice asked. She was facing Ava with her arms crossed tightly, choosing to look over Ava’s shoulder rather than directly at her.

Ava rubbed at the back of her neck uncomfortably. “Is – is everything okay?” She started. “I’ve been getting this vibe all morning that you’re upset with me, but I don’t know what I did wrong. Things seemed fine between us last night…what happened?”

Beatrice still wasn’t looking at Ava. “Nothing,” She shrugged.

Ava rose an eyebrow. “Really? Because it sure doesn’t seem like its’s nothing. You can’t even look at me.”

“Just leave it, okay?” Beatrice pleaded. “I can’t get into this right now.”

Ava’s frown deepened. “I thought we were moving on from the past but if you’re still upset with me for my mistakes, I would really prefer that you would just yell at me instead of pretending like we’re okay.” Ava lowered her gaze. “Because clearly we aren’t, and I can only apologize so many times before it becomes empty words.”

“Ava –” Beatrice started, but she was interrupted by Lilith before she could say anything more.

“Ava, Bea, let’s go!” Lilith called to them, and when Ava glanced over, she saw Lilith leading the way to the gondola track. Ava and Beatrice moved to join their friends, walking uncomfortably side-by-side. Had Ava not been so distracted by Beatrice, she may have noticed the sly look Mary was giving them (and the way Mary slipped the gondola attendant $20).

“Sorry,” The gondola attendant said, sticking an arm out to bar Ava and Beatrice’s way when they tried to join their friends on the carriage for the ride up the mountain. “This one’s full.” He informed them. Beatrice frowned in confusion. The attendant was a tall, gangly teenager that couldn’t be older than eighteen, but the smirk he was giving them was suspiciously beyond his years.

“Wait, what? These things sit eight people, don’t they?” Beatrice asked skeptically.

The attendant just shrugged, smirking even harder. “We only fill the cars during high traffic hours. Don’t you worry, I’ve got the next car here just for the two of you.” He waved them over to the next gondola carriage pulling into the track. Beatrice still looked confused, but Ava’s eyes were fixed on the retreating gondola the rest of their friends were in as it started its trip up the mountain. Through the window, she could just see Mary giving her the largest shit-eating grin Ava had ever seen, before Ava and Beatrice were all but forced into the next carriage.

"Have fun, you two!" The gondola attendant said with another smirk, then he door was shut and locked behind them and they were on their way.

“Great,” Beatrice sighed. “This is just great.”

Ava felt exasperation well up inside of her at Beatrice’s tone. “What’s your problem, Beatrice?”

“You, Ava!” Beatrice snapped. “Right now, you’re my problem! Did you plan for this to happen?” She accused.

“What?” Ava shook her head. “Why does everyone think I have all these schemes up my sleeve? I literally haven’t done anything all week to warrant that.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot you never make plans for anything.” Beatrice said sarcastically. “You’re allergic to thinking ahead.”

Ava sighed. “Okay, good. Let’s hash it out. You want to yell at me, then let’s get this over with!”

Beatrice glared at Ava. “Fine, you really want to know what I think?” Ava just nodded stubbornly. “You’re selfish, Ava. You always have been! You never think things through, you never consider how your actions might affect the people around you, and you never take responsibility for anything. And then you come here with your apologies and your promises and – you just – you ruin everything!”

Her words stung, though they weren’t untrue. However, Ava had a feeling they weren’t just talking about Ava’s terrible past decisions anymore. “You’re right,” Ava admitted. “You’re right about all of it. I can’t change what I’ve done in the past; that’s done and over with. But I’ve learned from my mistakes and I am trying to make amends here, Bea. I actually know what I want with my life now.”

“Oh? And how’d you figure that out?” Beatrice said scathingly. “Did one of your random Aussie conquests help you see the light?”

“What?” Ava was thoroughly confused now. “What conquests? Who told you that? Was it Lilith? I swear to god if Lilith is spreading rumors about me again –”

“No one told me anything; but considering your patterns it’s not difficult to assume what you were up to while you were there.”

“I didn’t hook up with anyone in Australia. I was there because I needed to find myself; I wasn’t looking to be with anyone else. In fact,” Ava forced herself to quell her rising anger. “I haven’t been with anyone since you.”

Beatrice held her gaze for a moment before turning away with a huff.

“I’m sorry if you thought I had been.” Ava said, quieter now. “But there’s no one else I wanted to be with that wasn’t you.”

“You know what, I really don’t want to discuss this anymore. Can we just drop it?” Beatrice rubbed at her eyes wearily. “And when can we get off this damn gondola? God, Teresa is not going to be happy about this.” It seemed like she was saying that last part just to herself.

Ava took a step away from Beatrice in the small space the gondola provided. Though the view outside as they travelled up the mountain was spectacular, neither of them were looking at the scenery, too focused in on each other.

“What does Teresa have to do with this?” Ava was quickly losing track of where this conversation was going.

Beatrice was clearly getting more and more frustrated. “She has everything to do with this! Because ever since we got to the lake house, you’ve been doing your very best to ruin us. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you look at us or how you’ve been trying to undermine our relationship all week.”

Ava felt her cheeks heat up. “Okay, I’ll admit it. I had been planning to win you back at the start of this trip. But that was before I even knew Teresa existed.” Ava crossed her arms protectively over her chest. “I haven’t tried anything since I realized how important she is to you. Despite what you may believe, Bea, I want you to be happy, okay?”

“If you want me to be happy, then back off!” Beatrice snapped.

“Fine! But then you have to back off, too. Because the way you were looking at me yesterday is not the way someone acts when they already have a girlfriend.” Ava retorted.

Beatrice glowered. “You’re delusional. You saved my life yesterday and I was grateful for that. That’s all I was looking at you for.”

Ava rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that.”

“That’s all it was, stop reading so far into it!”

“Maybe you should stop lying to yourself!”

Ava wasn’t sure how it happened, but they were suddenly right in front of each other, eyes blazing and so close together, even though the space of the carriage really didn’t call for it. A tension hung between them, so heavy Ava thought she might momentarily be crushed by its weight. Beatrice was striking as she stood there, cheeks flushed and nose scrunched as she stared at Ava with her hands on her hips (and Ava thought she had never looked more beautiful).

Beatrice sighed in resignation, and all of the anger between them seemed to suddenly dissipate. “What do you want from me, Ava?” She sounded tired.

Ava felt the strangest sense of déjà vu. “I just want you, Bea.” She said honestly. “Always you.” Ava took a step closer, so that Beatrice was forced to press her back against the window. Their hands found each other and barely any space remained between them as Ava held Beatrice’s steady gaze, feeling that familiar electricity crackling between them. There was a little voice in the back of Ava’s head telling her this was a bad idea, but Ava was too caught up in the moment to heed its warning. “If there’s any chance that still exists for us, I want to fight for you.”

“Ava,” Beatrice whispered (she never let go of Ava’s hands).

“Tell me you want me to stop.” Ava breathed moving somehow even closer. Their foreheads touched as they leaned into each other, and Ava knew it would take no effort at all to close the miniscule space that existed between their lips. “Tell me you don’t want this, too.” The only sound that existed in the carriage was their breathing, as they remained frozen in their position together, neither pulling away or moving forward.

“Stop,” Beatrice finally said, and Ava had to fight back her groan of disappointment. “I want you to stop.”

“I don’t believe you.” Ava stated, but she moved a step away to give Beatrice some space, though their fingers remained intertwined. “You and me? I don’t believe we’re just over. I know we’re not. Bea, you are it for me. You’ve always been it for me. Even when I was too stupid and selfish to realize that before.” Ava took a deep, steadying breath. “I love you, Beatrice. I always have. I always will. Please don’t give up on us.”

There was a long silence as Beatrice and Ava stared at each other, while Ava’s heart beat so violently, she was sure it would burst right out of her chest. Ava couldn’t read Beatrice’s expression after her admission of her feelings, but she seemed almost sad as her hands slowly dropped away from Ava’s (and though the day was warm, Ava’s hands had never felt so cold).

“A part of me will always love you, Ava.” Beatrice finally said, her voice so quiet Ava almost didn’t hear her. “But I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

Ava bit her lip, trying to keep her emotions down as she searched for any gleam of hope in Beatrice’s eyes. “Why not?” She dared to ask. Ava pressed forward again to keep Beatrice locked into her. “If we both love each other, then why not?”

“Because, Ava!” The last of Beatrice’s self-control finally broke, and Ava felt her blood turn to ice as Beatrice pushed Ava away from her. “I don’t want to love you anymore.”

Just then, the gondola came to a screeching halt on the track, and Ava and Beatrice were stuck in the middle of Heavenly Mountain, swaying softly back and forth as they were frozen together, suspended in time with Beatrice’s words hanging heavy in the air between them.

Chapter Text

5 Years Ago

Beatrice’s 21st birthday landed on a Friday night, and Ava planned a bar crawl to celebrate the occasion. Even though it was the middle of mid-terms season, Mary, Shannon, Lilith, and Camila were all more than willing to leave the library early in favor of engaging in Boston night life and the route of bars Ava had mapped out beforehand. Between the two of them, Beatrice had always been the planner, but in this case, Ava was the one who had drafted up the itinerary and kept the group together as they moved from one location to the next.

There were five bars on the route. They started in the Fenway area outside of the Red Sox stadium, then steadily made their way downtown, hitting their favorite spots and reveling in the freedom of the city (and yes, Ava and Camila were still underage, but their fake IDs were immaculate and no one even gave them a second glance). It was a night to remember. Beatrice was unbound and unburdened as she lost herself in celebration (and wow, Ava was in love). It was one of those nights Ava was sure she would remember for years to come; strolling along the streets with Beatrice’s hand wrapped safely in hers and alcohol loosening their tongues as they reveled in their fleeting youth.

Once it was apparent that Beatrice had reached her drinking limits and needed to go home immediately (Beatrice drunkenly asking strangers if they wanted to spar with her was always a clear sign that she had had a little too much to drink), Ava and Lilith helped walk her back to the apartment Beatrice and Lilith shared, each with one of Beatrice’s arms around their shoulders (Mary and Shannon had called it a night about an hour earlier and had gone to Shannon’s, while Camila took an Uber back to her to her own apartment).

It was a nice night out, at least, and Beatrice was relatively cooperative as the three of them stumbled their way down the streets of downtown Boston. Intoxicated Beatrice was a different character all together; talkative and giggly and overly affectionate (not that Ava minded in the slightest), but she also seemed to have very little control over her fine motor skills. Ava and Lilith were practically carrying her at points when Beatrice lacked the ability to put one foot in front of the other. Despite having to drag Beatrice’s dead weight more than twenty-blocks through the city, they eventually managed to reach Beatrice and Lilith’s apartment (but to Beatrice’s credit, on this walk she only attempt to drunkenly run away from them twice, never managing to get very far before Lilith and Ava were able to catch up and restrain her again. All in all, it was one of the easier nights of walking home Intoxicated Beatrice).

Once Lilith managed to get the apartment doors unlocked, they got Beatrice up the winding staircase to the small unit on the fourth floor and into Beatrice’s room where the three of them all collapsed onto Beatrice’s bed. Beatrice was laughing hysterically while Lilith tried to untangle herself from their mess of limbs and pull away from Beatrice’s clutches.

“Good luck dealing with her in the morning, Ava.” Lilith said, her jaws gaping in a yawn. “I don’t envy her for the hangover she’s about to experience.” Ava chuckled as Beatrice rolled into her side, burying her face into Ava’s neck and blowing cool air against her skin, making Ava shiver at the sensation.

“Thanks for helping me get her home.” Ava said, shooting Lilith an appreciative smile.

“Yeah, well, roommate duties, you know.” Lilith leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to the top of Beatrice’s head. “Good night, Bea. Happy birthday.” Then she ruffled Ava’s hair before leaving the room, closing the door softly behind her.

At this point, Beatrice had become almost comatose, laying on her stomach and with her eyes closed. Ava knew within a matter of minutes she would be completely dead to the world until the following morning. Before that could happen, Ava helped Beatrice take off her shoes and jeans, and somehow managed to get her to sit up long enough for Ava to get her into a comfier shirt. Then she moved Beatrice under the covers before getting changed herself; rummaging through Beatrice’s dresser for a pair of shorts and the Swiss Alps t-shirt Ava loved to steal whenever she slept over. Ava crawled into the bed beside her girlfriend, pulling Beatrice’s warm body into hers and sighing in content as Beatrice immediately curled into her, resting her head on Ava’s shoulder and her breath tickling against Ava’s neck. Beatrice smelt faintly of beer and tequila and sweat, but Ava pulled her in even closer anyway.

“Hey Ava,” Beatrice mumbled sleepily before she lost all consciousness.

“Hmm?” Ava hummed, her fingers rubbing small circles against the smooth skin of Beatrice’s hip.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Beatrice’s words were slurred but Ava could still understand what she was saying. “Cause I think you’re mine.”

Ava felt a new warmth seep through her at Beatrice’s words. It wasn’t something she had really thought about before. She loved Beatrice, of course she did. Ever since they first met, she had known Beatrice was special. But is that what it was? Were they destined to find each other? Destined to be connected in this way?

Soulmates.

Honestly, Ava had never really believed in the idea of soulmates. She never liked the idea of needing another person to complete her. But right then, with Beatrice’s body pressed against hers and her heart beating so loudly she figured the sound would certainly keep Beatrice awake all night, Ava figured that maybe Beatrice was onto something. If they were indeed soulmates, well, Ava certainly wasn’t going to argue about that.

Ava smiled as she pressed a gentle kiss to Beatrice’s forehead, brushing a strand of hair out of her face, her fingers softly caressing Beatrice’s cheek. “I think you’re mine, too.” She whispered. And even though Beatrice was already fast asleep, Ava felt her admission wrap tightly around them, lulling her to sleep in the comfort of the love that they shared and the special bond that existed between them.

***

Present Day – Thursday Afternoon

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

Beatrice’s words played through Ava’s mind like a broken record; sharp and stinging and hollow. Piercing Ava in her deepest places. She felt like there was suddenly not enough oxygen in the gondola as she was struggling to get enough air to fill her lungs. Trapped. She was trapped. It was just Ava and Beatrice and the vast mountain landscape and Beatrice didn’t want to love her anymore.

Ava almost wished that Beatrice had said that she just didn’t love Ava at all. It would have hurt less.

Time seemed to stand still as the blood roared in Ava’s ears and she tried to remember how to breathe (it was a good thing her lungs seemed to be capable of working independently of her brain). Ava had taken several steps away from Beatrice, unable to look at her anymore as she focused on a dark stain on the gondola floor.

In and out. She thought, feeling the air rush through her body. That’s it, Ava. Just keep breathing; in and out.

Ava had barely even registered that the gondola had stopped moving. She was too focused on trying to block out Beatrice’s voice as it continued to echo through all of the empty spaces in her head.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

Ava had known she wasn’t good enough for Beatrice. She had always known. This was just the first time ever that Beatrice had confirmed that thought out loud.

Ava had never felt more stupid than she did right now. Not even that time in grad school when she accidently got on the wrong train in New York and ended up in Philadelphia rather than her neighborhood in Brooklyn, or that time during undergrad when she took Beatrice’s car in to get serviced and asked the mechanic if the car needed a ‘rim job’ (it was in reference to the tires, okay? She really hadn’t understood the term before then and had to look it up after when the mechanic couldn’t stop laughing at her). And yet, here she was, having just told Beatrice that she was still in love with her only for Beatrice to not return the sentiment. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Ava held her arms across her chest, clutching at her biceps to keep her hands from shaking. This pain, this ache in her chest, was something she had never really experienced before. Not when her mother had died when she was younger, too young to really understand what was happening. Not when she had unconsciously been searching for Beatrice in every face she passed in Australia. Not when she had first found out that Beatrice was seeing someone else. This, right now, with Beatrice only three feet away from her but somehow impossibly out of reach; this was somehow so much worse (and maybe Ava was finally starting to fully understand how Beatrice must have felt when she left).

Ava’s fingers dug into her own skin as she gripped her arms even tighter; closing her eyes against the harsh reality that had been thrown her way. It was only fair, she supposed. After all the times she had pushed Beatrice away, had taken her unwavering love and loyalty for granted, it was only fair that Beatrice had finally had enough of her. Ava wasn’t worth it anymore (maybe she had never been worth it in the first place). Ava had always pictured a future where it was her and Beatrice. But if Beatrice didn’t want that, too, well, the urge to run away had never been stronger.

“Ava,” Beatrice’s quiet voice broke through Ava’s thoughts, but Ava still didn’t look at her. “I didn’t – I shouldn’t have said it like that. I’m sorry.” Ava could feel the guilt and remorse hanging heavy in Beatrice’s voice, but it didn’t make her feel any better. The words were out there, and whether Beatrice had meant to lay the truth out like that or not, there was no taking them back.

“Don’t be.” Ava said back. Her own words sounded foreign to her, like she was standing at the end of a very long tunnel and listening to them echo while being buried underground. “I get it. You don’t want to love me anymore. You’ve moved on.”

She turned to look out the gondola window, which still wasn’t moving along the track as it should be. It was a sick twist of fate. Not only did Beatrice just shatter Ava’s heart, but now Ava couldn’t even get away from her and that piercing stare of hers that Ava could feel burning into her back. Looking out the window at the forest below, Ava briefly entertained the idea of trying to break the window and making a run for it. The ground must’ve been a good 20-30 feet below them. She could survive that landing, right? Maybe she’d get a broken bone or two, but honestly, if her choices were between staying in this gondola with Beatrice for who knows how long versus some minor physical injuries, at this moment Ava would much rather the latter.

“Ava,” Beatrice said again, and Ava briefly felt Beatrice’s hand brush against her shoulder before she was jumping out of her reach.

“Don’t,” Ava snapped. “Just…don’t.” Ava wasn’t sure when the script between them had flipped, because it really wasn’t that long ago that Beatrice had been the one angry with Ava. “Can we please just not talk about it?”

“I think we need to.” Beatrice said gently (Ava kind of wished she would start yelling again. Beatrice’s anger she could handle. But her pity? That just made Ava feel even worse).

“I respectfully disagree. You’ve made it perfectly clear how you feel.”

“No, I haven’t.” Ava could feel Beatrice’s hesitation. “I care about you, Ava. I’ll always care.”

“Just not in the way I want you to.” Ava tried to keep her voice steady, but it broke towards the end anyway.

“I’m sorry.” Beatrice said again.

“Do you love her?” Ava somehow found the courage to ask. “Teresa. Do you love her?”

Beatrice was quiet for a long time. “I think I could one day.”

Ava closed her eyes, fighting against the tears at Beatrice’s admission. She didn’t want to admit defeat. She didn’t want to give up on Beatrice; give up on them finding each other again. But if Beatrice really was moving on…

“Okay.” Ava’s voice was impossibly small. “Okay.”

-

Beatrice thought telling Ava she didn’t want to love her anymore would make her feel better. It would be like a weight was being lifted off her shoulders; like Atlas being freed from his burden of holding up the world.

It didn’t though, not even a little bit.

And the broken look in Ava’s eyes as those words spilled out of Beatrice’s mouth would haunt her for a long time.

This was a conversation Beatrice had imagined in her mind many times since Ava had left for Australia. The Ava she manifested would realize how it would feel to be the one left behind for a change and Beatrice wouldn’t hurt anymore. Because she had moved on and she had found someone new and she was happy…right? I think I could one day. Beatrice wasn’t sure what it was, but hurting Ava like this in the present moment didn’t feel at all as she had believed it would.

A part of Beatrice knew that she shouldn’t feel guilty. This was Ava’s fault after all. She’s the one that ruined their relationship in the first place. She’s the one that was still living in the past. It wasn’t Beatrice’s fault that Ava hadn’t moved on; that Ava was still in love with her.

Ava still loves me.

Beatrice closed her eyes. Hearing those words from Ava meant everything to her. Beatrice could very clearly picture the first time Ava had spoken those words, when they were eighteen and carefree and Ava was still all she wanted in life. A part of Beatrice wished they could go back. Wished they could relive when things were easy, and trust hadn’t been broken; when Beatrice had known exactly what it was she wanted.

I can’t love her anymore.

“Ava,” Beatrice tried again. “Please talk to me. Don’t shut me out.”

Ava still wasn’t looking at Beatrice. “There’s nothing else to say, Bea.” Ava’s voice was hoarse, and Beatrice was sure that she was crying. “Just leave me alone.”

“No,” Beatrice said quietly. “You didn’t leave me alone when you broke up with me, twice might I add. So, you don’t get to just turn your back on me now. That’s not fair.”

Ava laughed humorlessly, finally turning around to face Beatrice again. Ava’s eyes were red and glassy, and Beatrice felt her own emotions well up at the sight. “If you want to be fair, the second time it was you breaking up with me.”

Beatrice rolled her eyes, sympathy suddenly gone. “Well, you went and moved to the other side of the world, what did you think was going to happen?”

“Long distance is a thing, you know!” Ava’s hands ran through her hair in agitation and her emotions were starting to spill out. “I am so sick of everyone blaming that all on me! You and Lilith and Camila and sometimes Mary even; you all keep throwing it in my face over and over again. But, I’m not the one that ended our relationship. That was you, Beatrice! That was your call, and yet I’m the one who’s been repeatedly punished by it.”

Beatrice scoffed, and she could feel her anger levels rising again. “You walked away from everything we had built together, Ava. Don’t try to turn that onto me!”

“I wasn’t ready to settle down, okay!” Ava was pacing now in the small space the gondola provided. Beatrice had to step back against the window to keep out of her way. “Why is that so difficult for everyone to understand? We were only twenty-four, and why is it so crazy that I wasn’t ready to settle down? You were the one who wanted to move to DC, Beatrice. You were the one who had gotten your dream job and wanted to start looking at buying property. You were the one that knew exactly what you wanted and had already mentally planned out your entire life. But what about what I wanted, Bea?” Ava stopped pacing and was staring at Beatrice with an expression so sad that Beatrice had to look away. “I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world. We spent five years in school working our asses off and we were finally free to go and do whatever we wanted, but you were already signing a lease to a new apartment and packing up all of our things in New York and – and there’s still so much I hadn’t gotten to see and experience yet. So, sue me for taking a risk! No one seemed to care about what it was that I wanted.”

Beatrice reeled back in surprise as Ava's feelings came rushing out at her. It wasn’t a side of the story she had really considered before. They had talked about it, hadn’t they? Ava had been on board with the move to DC, hadn’t she?

“We – you – why didn’t you say anything?” Beatrice asked. “When we were making plans, you never said anything.”

“What was I supposed to say?” Ava cried. “You were waving around your FBI job offer and you were so excited about your future there. How could I ever take that away from you? I wanted to be with you, Bea, but DC was your dream. Not mine.”

“You could’ve been honest with me instead of making me believe we were on the same page!” Beatrice snapped. Her mind was racing as she tried to recall that time before they moved to DC. How could she have missed the signs that Ava had wanted different things? They had always seemed so in sync when they were together. It had been her and Ava against the world until Ava left. She had been so wrapped up in the belief that she just hadn’t been enough for Ava, maybe she hadn’t given enough consideration to Ava’s side of things.

Ava buried her face in her hands for a moment before taking deep breaths to calm herself down. When she spoke again, there was no anger left in her voice, only heavy resignation. “I went about things the wrong way, I know. I didn’t communicate properly with you. But in all fairness, you weren’t exactly willing to listen either. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself for how things ended up, but it would be really nice if everyone would stop throwing it back in my face. I’m not the only one who’s made mistakes, you know.”

They stood in silence for a few moments, both not looking at each other as they processed through the conversation they had just had. Ava was wiping stubbornly at her eyes as she tried to stop crying, and Beatrice was struggling against her rising guilt and the ache she felt deep inside of her. Whatever had happened before, it was done and over with. There was no going back. The only thing to do now was move forward.

“So, what now?” Beatrice was the one who broke the silence.

Ava huffed. “Now, I just want to get the fuck off this gondola.” Beatrice smiled in spite of herself. Ava met her eye. “Look, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being abroad, it’s that none of those experiences mattered if I couldn’t share it with you. Maybe things would’ve been different if I had known that before I left.” Ava’s gaze was paralyzing. “I meant what I said the other night; I want to find a home. Even if that can’t be with you anymore. I need my friends, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying.”

“And us?” Beatrice was almost too afraid to ask.

Ava took a while to respond. “I think I need some time.” She eventually whispered.

Beatrice nodded. Time. She could respect that. “I really am sorry, you know. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I never wanted to hurt you either.”

They didn’t say anything more, but maybe they didn’t have to. Ava needed time (maybe Beatrice needed time, too). They would be okay eventually, Beatrice had to believe that. They were Ava and Beatrice; they would always be okay. But, as the gondola started vibrating and finally continued its journey up the mountain, Beatrice had never felt like they were less okay in her life.

-

Forty-three minutes.

That’s how long they were stuck in the gondola together, suspended above the earth and all too close to each other for comfort. When the gondola finally started moving again and the doors slid open at the top of the mountain, Ava ran out without a second glance. She needed space. She needed distance. She needed to be somewhere that Beatrice’s presence couldn’t reach her anymore.

Ava had said too much, maybe. First with her admission of love (stupid), then with her anger about how she was being treated for her Australia decision (it had been building up for a while now; it was only a matter of time before she snapped), then with her promising that she would stay (running seemed extremely appealing right about now). Ava had said too much. And none of it changed the fact that Beatrice still didn’t want to love her anymore.

What was she doing here? A week ago, this whole retreat idea had seemed so great, like the perfect way for her and Beatrice to start fresh again. To pick up their relationship right where they left off. To rekindle the love that still existed between them. To start building their life together, like they had always planned to do. Everything was wrong now. Everything was so wrong. And now Ava was supposed to move on, just like that. She was supposed to give up the one thing in her life that made her feel something.

Mary, Shannon, Camila, Lilith, and Teresa were waiting for them at the observation deck, spread out along the railing while they took in the view of the lake. Ava had no desire to join them, wishing desperately that she could catch the next carriage back down the mountain and get the hell out of dodge.

But that wasn’t exactly an option anymore.

She had promised to stay. Even if Beatrice didn’t want her anymore. Even if there really was no repairing their broken relationship. Ava still needed to stay (it was a promise she intended to keep, no matter what).

Ava registered Beatrice moving to Teresa’s side once they got to the observation deck, and it was another knife to the gut when Teresa wrapped her arms around Beatrice’s neck and drew her into a deep kiss. Ava looked away before she could see the sorrowful look Beatrice shot in her direction once her and Teresa separated.

“You okay?” Mary asked her quietly as Ava joined her and Shannon on the railing. Ava knew she must look like a mess, with her red, dried out eyes and vacant expression. Ava stared straight ahead, not even taking in the view in front of her (which was incredible, by the way). All she could see was Beatrice’s face. All she could hear was Beatrice’s voice. All she could feel was Beatrice’s hands as they squeezed tightly around Ava’s heart.

“No,” Ava finally whispered. “I’m not okay at all.”

-

It was a quiet afternoon once they returned to the lake house. Ava had barely spoken since they awkwardly left the gondola, and her silence made it very apparent to everyone that something had happened between Beatrice and Ava. Beatrice knew everyone was dying to know what they had talked about, but Camila and Lilith were tactful enough not to bring it up on the drive home, and even Teresa didn’t ask until they were alone.

Dinner felt tense, as Ava still wasn’t speaking. She sat as far away from Beatrice as she could and kept her eyes on her plate, picking absently at her food without really eating anything. Beatrice wasn’t sure how to fix the situation they were in anymore. Every time she spoke to Ava, it just seemed like she somehow made things worse between them. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe this was how it had to be if Beatrice really was going to move on.

Ava’s lack of energy seemed to be contagious, souring the mood of the group as a whole, so it really wasn’t a surprise when everyone chose to turn in early for the night. Ava excused herself to her bedroom almost immediately after they cleaned the kitchen after dinner, and Mary and Shannon followed soon after. Beatrice and Teresa laid on the couch watching tv with Lilith and Camila for a while, but they only got through one episode of Schitt’s Creek before calling it a night.

Beatrice was in the bathroom brushing her teeth when Teresa finally brought up what had happened that afternoon. She was leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed while staring at Beatrice in the mirror.

“So, are we going to talk about what went on between you and Ava today?”

Beatrice spit out her toothpaste and rinsed her mouth, taking her time before answering. “There’s really nothing to talk about.” Beatrice eventually said, avoiding Teresa’s gaze as she began washing her face.

“Really?” Teresa sounded skeptical. “You two were alone for a while and you’ve been weird ever since. What happened?”

Beatrice patted her face dry with a towel. “Nothing happened. I’d really rather not discuss it right now.”

“Did she try anything with you?” Teresa pressed.

“What, no, of course not.” That was mostly true. Beatrice could still feel Ava’s hands in hers and how close they had been at one point on the gondola. It would have been all too easy for Beatrice to have given in to Ava in that moment, but she had stopped it and Ava had pulled away when Beatrice asked her to. “You really think I would do that to you?”

Teresa frowned. “It’s hard not to jump to the worst conclusions when you won’t tell me what happened.”

“I don’t want to talk about Ava with you, okay?” Beatrice said with a sigh.

“Why not?”

“Because we’ve already had this conversation, Teresa!” Beatrice tried to keep her voice down as her frustration grew. “I don’t want to have this fight with you again.”

Teresa crossed her arms. “I want to trust you on this Beatrice, I really do, but you being alone on the gondola with Ava after we just agreed that you’d prioritize me was not okay!”

“That wasn’t my fault!” Beatrice protested.

“Oh, I don’t doubt that. Ava obviously had that stunt all planned out. But you didn’t answer a single one of my texts the whole time you two were together. And now, you not telling me what really happened isn’t making me feel great about the situation.” Teresa said.

“Nothing happened for you to worry about!” Beatrice argued. “And don’t blame Ava for that, she was just as surprised about the whole thing as I was.”

“Oh, so now you’re defending her?”

Beatrice stared up at the ceiling, muttering under her breath. “Teresa,” She let out a heavy sigh. “You’ve got to let this go. If this is going to work between us, you’re going to need to accept and understand that there are certain parts of my friendship with Ava that are going to stay between myself and Ava. Whether you like it or not, Ava is and always will be a part of my life as long as she wants to be.”

“Yeah, well, maybe she shouldn’t.” Teresa snapped.

Beatrice stared at her for a moment in disbelief, then turned and pushed past Teresa out of the bathroom, heading for the bedroom door.

“Where are you going?” Teresa called after her.

“I need some air.” That was all Beatrice replied before she closed the bedroom door, putting some space between her and her girlfriend.

Beatrice wandered downstairs in a daze, not even bothering to turn on the house lights in her rush to get away from Teresa. She was angry, maybe inexcusably so. Teresa had every right to inquire about what had happened, considering the vibe that had existed between Beatrice and Ava ever since the gondola ride. Teresa had every right to think things may have happened between her and Ava, considering their history. But Beatrice really wasn’t in the mood to be rational right now. Teresa insinuating that Ava shouldn’t be a part of Beatrice’s life at all was too much to handle right now.

Besides, Beatrice had essentially lost her best friend today. She was allowed to be upset about that if she wanted to.

Reaching the kitchen, Beatrice went to flick on a light on her way to the couch in the living room, but she was distracted by a soft light shining from outside. Looking through the glass doors, Beatrice saw Ava. She was standing on the porch, leaning against the railing with a lit cigarette dangling between her fingers as she stared out into the night. A flashlight was standing upright on the railing beside her as the only source of light outside. Besides that, Ava was shrouded in darkness as she was lost in her own little world. Beatrice longed to join her; to be in this feeling with Ava instead of against her. But Ava asked for time. Beatrice could give her that much.

So instead, Beatrice stood on the other side of the glass door, watching Ava as she watched the stars. Neither of them moved. Neither of them made a sound. But Beatrice knew their hearts were beating in time; always connected.

They stayed that way long after Ava’s cigarette had finally burned out.

Chapter Text

Eight Years Ago

Ava was lying on her bed in the orphanage one Thursday afternoon with her Calculus textbook open in front of her as she attempted to work out homework problems involving integrals. She had just figured out how the whole derivatives thing worked, but now they had included antiderivatives into the equations, and she was more confused than ever. Thankfully, she wasn’t planning on going into a field involving advanced mathematics, so she just had to worry about passing her calc class this year and then she could give up math all together in university.

As Ava was just finishing working out the next problem, checking the answer in the back of the textbook (she nailed it, by the way), her phone rang from her bedside table, startling Ava out of her schoolwork induced daze. Glancing at the phone screen, a large grin spread across her face when she saw that it was Beatrice who was calling her (well, technically the contact name said BAEtrice, but that was beside the point).

“Bea!” Ava said excitedly as she answered the phone. “I’m so glad you called! I was just working on the homework for Schaefer’s class and that trick you taught me for remembering derivative properties totally works. You’re a genius! I mean, I already knew that you were before this, but I just wanted to let you know again in case you forgot. My girlfriend is the smartest –”

“Ava,” Beatrice cut into Ava’s ramblings, and usually Ava would power right on through, but something in Beatrice’s voice effectively broke her off. Her voice was thick and rough, and though Ava couldn’t see her; she was sure that Beatrice was crying.

Ava sat up abruptly as worry crept into her throat. “Bea? What’s wrong?” She racked her brain, trying to think of what could have upset Beatrice so much. She had seemed fine at school that day and it had only been three hours since they had last seen each other…what could have happened to reduce her wonderful girlfriend to tears?

“Ava I – do you think you could come over?” Beatrice whispered into the phone. “Please? I need you.”

Ava hesitated, glancing at the digital clock on her bedside table. The orphanage curfew was 7pm. If she got caught leaving, she would be in serious trouble. But…it was Beatrice. Ava couldn’t say no to Beatrice.

Ava threw all caution to the wind. “I’ll be there as quick as I can.”

It was dark by the time Ava crept up the side of the driveway of Beatrice’s parent’s estate house, sticking close to the shadows and avoiding the many security cameras that swept the property (this was definitely not her first time sneaking into the estate). It had taken over an hour for Ava to get there after Beatrice’s phone call; she’d had to time her escape from the orphanage perfectly so as not to be noticed, then had to wait for what felt like ages for a bus that took her to the other side of town, then had to walk a good twenty minutes to get to the estate, and now here she was, creeping through the bushes and rounding the estate until she spotted Beatrice’s second story window.

Ava considered throwing a rock at the window to alert Beatrice that she was there, but knowing her general lack of coordination, she decided to just shoot Beatrice a text instead. Only a moment seemed to pass after hitting send before Beatrice’s window was sliding open and Beatrice was dropping a rope ladder down towards Ava. Sneaking Ava into her bedroom had become a well-executed plan by this point. Ava knew Beatrice would’ve already cut the feed of the security cameras that were in view of her bedroom window for Ava to climb up without being seen. By the time Ava climbed into the room and brushed off her hands, Beatrice had already pulled the rope ladder back up, shut the window, closed the blinds, and hid the ladder under a loose floorboard. Once that was all set, Beatrice took a seat on her window bench and Ava joined her.

“So…what’s going on, Bea?” Ava asked quietly, taking in Beatrice’s red-rimmed eyes and downhearted expression. Her heart broke to see how upset Beatrice was.

“My parents came home today.” Beatrice said, leaning her head on Ava’s shoulder. “And all through dinner I had to listen to my dad list off all the things I’ve been doing wrong since the last time they were home. You know, the usual: my grades aren’t perfect enough, I don’t have enough extracurriculars, I spend too much time with you…”

“Your dad is the worst.” Ava scoffed. “Want me to go find him right now? I’ll give him a real reason to be upset.”

Beatrice sighed. “Yeah, we can really stick it to him.” She was silent for a moment. “Why am I never good enough for them, Ava?”

Ava frowned and wrapped an arm protectively around Beatrice. “You are not the problem here, Bea. Your parents are the problem. And fuck them if they think for even a second that you aren’t good enough.”

“Is it bad that sometimes I feel jealous of you for not having parents to deal with?”

Ava chuckled. “No, I get it. But if you ever want to trade places, be my guest. I’m sure the nuns at the orphanage would absolutely adore you.”

Beatrice picked up her head and smiled at Ava. “How much trouble are you going to be in when they realize you’re gone?”

“Oh, I’ll probably be on full lockdown indefinitely.” Ava shrugged. “It’s worth it though. I hate how much your parents hurt you.”

Beatrice intertwined their fingers, her hand warm against Ava’s. “I wish I could just stop caring what they think.”

“Easier said than done.”

“At least I have you.”

“Always.” Ava reached up to caress Beatrice’s face, her fingers dancing gently across Beatrice’s soft skin. “You’ll always have me.”

Beatrice sighed and closed her eyes, relaxing against Ava’s touch. “I’m really glad you’re here right now.”

“Yeah, me too.” Ava felt her heart swell as looked at Beatrice. Beautiful Beatrice. “Hey, Bea?” Beatrice opened her eyes, staring straight into Ava’s. Ava felt her mouth dry up as three little words hung out on the tip of her tongue. She had been waiting weeks for the right time to say this. Maybe this wasn’t it. But Ava had already thrown all caution out the window tonight, what’s one more act of recklessness. “I love you. You know that, right?”

Beatrice’s eyes glowed, warm and open and full. “You do?”

Ava smiled. “More than I’ve ever loved anything else. And that includes all of the videos we took of Lilith after she got her wisdom teeth removed.”

Beatrice laughed. “Wow really that much, huh?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I’m honored.” Beatrice looped her arms around Ava’s neck, scratching softly at her baby hairs. “I love you too, Ava Silva.”

Ava couldn’t hold back her smile as Beatrice brought their lips together in a searing kiss. She still wasn’t sure how she got so lucky to get to love the most perfect girl in the world, but Ava wasn’t about to question the ways of the universe.

“Want to go make out in front of your parents for a bit? That’ll really show them.”

Beatrice rolled her eyes fondly. “Just shut up and kiss me.”

Ava did just that.

***

Present Day – Friday Morning

Ava skipped into the kitchen the following morning feeling refreshed after a good night’s sleep (she had slept in her own bed for the first time since getting to the lake house). In the kitchen, Ava whistled softly to herself as she poured a fresh cup of coffee and stirred in an (un)healthy serving of cream and sugar, completely unaware of the concerned looks Lilith and Camila were giving her as they sat across from her at the kitchen island.

“Morning!” Ava said cheerfully once she realized that her friends were staring at her.

“Why are you all…” Lilith gestured towards Ava. “Chirpy? You were all doom and gloom just yesterday.”

Ava tutted. “Lilith, Lilith, Lilith.” She said. “Today is a new day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the tank is clean, and we are getting out!”

“Are you on something?” Lilith asked suspiciously, but Camila just smiled in amusement.

“Just high on life, my friend!” Ava raised her cup of coffee in cheers before taking a sip.

Mary and Shannon chose that moment to walk into the kitchen, immediately amused by the expressions on Lilith’s and Ava’s faces. “What’s going on here?” Mary asked.

“Ava’s freaking Lilith out.” Camila explained while she got mugs out for Mary and Shannon.

“Your daughter is being weird.” Lilith said to the other couple. “I’m just going to let you two deal with her.”

Shannon rose an eyebrow at Ava. “Care to share what’s on your mind?” She inquired.

Ava set her mug down on the counter. “I was just doing some thinking last night, about this whole ‘Beatrice situation’,” Ava glanced around at her friends, knowing that they all were well aware of her feelings for Beatrice at this point. “And, as much as it sucks, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to let her go. She has moved on. It’s time I do, too.” Her joking mannerism had all but disappeared, but she smiled anyways. “Now that I’ve accepted that, I just feel…I don’t know. Lighter, maybe? I think I hurt a little less.”

Ava didn’t miss all of the sly glances the others were exchanging as she was talking.

“Okay, I know how this must sound to you all, but I’m being serious!” Ava continued. “Bea and I had a long talk yesterday, and I think if there’s any hope of us salvaging our friendship I have to respect what she wants. And she doesn’t want me. So, now I have to find a way to be okay with that.”

Camila reached out to place a hand on Ava’s arm. “Are you sure about this? It’s okay to take some time to process everything, you know. You’re allowed to be upset.”

“No, I’m not.” Ava shook her head. “I’ve hurt Beatrice enough already. The least I can do is be here for her as a friend, and without making things complicated for once. I owe her that much.”

“What exactly happened between you two yesterday?” Lilith asked.

Ava shrugged, looking down at her mug instead of meeting any of her friend’s gazes. “I told her I’m still in love with her, and she told me she doesn’t want to love me anymore. So, that’s that, I guess.”

The kitchen was quite for a moment as everyone processed that information.

“I’m sorry, Ava.” Camila finally said, and Ava gave her a tight smile.

“Don’t be. It’s okay, really.” Ava looked around at them. “I just want to forget about it and try to have fun today, yeah? We only have a few days left before we all have to go back to the real world, and I can’t keep wasting all of my time with you guys moping about Beatrice and the fact that –”

Mary coughed loudly, breaking Ava off. Ava gave her a weird look, but Mary discreetly gestured to the other side of the room with her eyes, where Beatrice and Teresa were just walking into the kitchen.

There were choruses of good morning, as Camila and Shannon awkwardly tried to cover up that they had just been talking about Beatrice before she had joined them. Beatrice didn’t seem to realize that she had been a topic of conversation amongst her friends, and instead greeted the others warmly while accepting a cup of coffee from Lilith. Mary quickly brought up their plans for the day, and the tension in the room dispersed before Beatrice or Teresa could catch on.

While Lilith explained the logistics of the boat party that afternoon, Ava found herself watching Beatrice, reflecting on their conversations over the past few days. Ava meant what she had said; as much as it hurt, she was going to let Beatrice go.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

As if feeling Ava’s gaze, Beatrice looked up and met her eye. Ava gave her a soft smile, trying to express with just her eyes that she understood her. Beatrice tilted her head as if confused, but she smiled back. Ava felt light.

-

“No, Ava.”

“Aww come on. Why not?”

“You can barely ride a bike without causing harm to yourself or someone else.”

“This is so much different than riding a bike though!”

“It’s really not.”

“Have a little faith!”

“Oh, I have faith. Just not in you.”

“Please let me drive the jet ski! I promise I’ll be careful.”

Beatrice watched in amusement as Ava and Lilith argued back and forth on the beach while Ava tried to (unsuccessfully) wrestle the keys to the jet ski from Lilith’s firm grasp. Ava, who was in a surprisingly good mood after everything that had happened yesterday, had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to convince Lilith that she was responsible enough to take control of the vehicle, but Lilith was not having it.

“Do you know how much this jet ski costs?” She snapped, pushing Ava away from her. “I’m not risking you crashing it.”

“I won’t! I just want to take it for a little spin. Please?”

“Okay how about this.” Camila said, stepping in between Ava and Lilith. “I’ll take Ava out on the jet ski and teach her the controls, and then I’ll let her drive us with careful supervision.”

Lilith hesitated, but eventually nodded and passed the keys to her girlfriend. “Fine. But I swear to god, Ava, if anything happens –”

“Nothing will, promise!” Ava said, face lit up in excitement. “Come on, Cam. Let’s see how fast this thing can go!” And then she was taking off down the dock.

“Don’t even touch that jet ski until you put on a lifejacket, Ava Silva!” Camila yelled after her. Beatrice chuckled to herself but was distracted from the scene by Mary and Shannon approaching the beach while carrying a large cooler in between them. Teresa was following behind them, holding a stack of towels.

After their argument last night, things were…weird between Beatrice and Teresa. Beatrice hadn’t gone to bed until late, once she was sure Teresa had fallen asleep, and even then, she kept to the far side of the bed to stay out of Teresa’s reach. This morning, they had barely spoken to each other as they got ready for the day, talking only in short clipped sentences. The tension between them dissipated a little during breakfast, as they both simultaneously decided to act like they weren’t fighting around their friends, but Beatrice knew they definitely needed to talk about what was going on before things could go back to normal.

Later though. Right now, Beatrice was still unhappy with Teresa’s jealousy and lack of trust in her.

“Thanks for bringing the cooler down.” Lilith said to Mary and Shannon as she helped them load it into the bowrider boat parked along the dock, just behind the pair of jet skis owned by Lilith’s family. The three of them got the cooler settled securely onto the boat, then Lilith passed lifejackets out to Mary and Shannon. “You two can take the other jet ski and Beatrice and Teresa can ride with me in the boat.”

“Oh, so you trust Mary to drive a jet ski, but not me?” Ava called indignantly from where she was seated on one of the jet skis behind Camila, her arms wrapped gently around Camila’s waist while Camila brought the jet ski to life. Lilith shot Ava a dark look but didn’t bother responding.

“Beatrice,” Teresa said as she came up next to her at the foot of the dock. Beatrice turned to Teresa, noticing her hesitance and the apologetic look in her eyes. “Do you think we could talk for a second?”

Beatrice bit her lip uncertainly. It was a conversation they needed to have, but a part of her wasn’t quite ready for it yet. Teresa looked so sad though, her eyes big and full of guilt. Beatrice was about to cave, but Lilith called out to them to hurry up and get on the boat already.

“Later, okay?” Beatrice promised. Teresa seemed a little put out, but Beatrice slipped her hand into Teresa’s and tugged her towards the boat (briefly registering that it was named Ship Happens). Lilith started the engine and removed the ropes keeping the boat tied to the dock. The next thing Beatrice knew, they were taxiing away from the lake house, following behind the jet skis. Ava’s laughter could just be heard over the roar of the engines. Beatrice moved to the front of the boat, smiling as the breeze hit her face and sun soaked into her skin.

Later. They would fix things later. Right now, Beatrice just wanted to forget about her problems with Teresa and her problems with Ava and focus on enjoying the day on the lake.

-

They met up with some of Lilith’s old friends from King Beach in Agate Bay. Lilith greeted Chanel enthusiastically (and Zori with a little less enthusiasm). There was Randall and JC, drinking beers and joking with their friends from the top deck of Randall’s family’s (ridiculously fancy) houseboat. There was Crimson, Melanie, and Jason who were swimming just off the back of the houseboat, and Gabriel and Christine lounging on the back deck. Ava had known about the group from some of Lilith’s stories of her past trips to the lake house, but they weren’t at all like Ava had expected them to be. Having known Lilith and Beatrice for many years now, Ava had thought she was used to being around the upper class, but this group of young adults gave the word ‘wealthy’ a whole new meaning, from the designer sunglasses they all seemed to be sporting straight down to the incredibly expensive bottles of champagne Randall and JC were passing around like candy.

It was overall a fun way to spend the day. Upon joining the group at the houseboat, Ava found herself with Camila intermixing with a few of the others on the houseboat, while Lilith, Beatrice, and Teresa stayed on Lilith’s bowrider and were joined by Chanel, Crimson, and Melanie. Mary and Shannon were still driving around the lake on one of the jet skis.

Ava wasn’t sure how she felt about the houseboat people. They were nice enough, sure, but they also oozed with arrogance, and Ava found it slightly off putting. However, they gave her free alcohol and invited her to play drinking games with them, so it wasn’t all that bad.

It took Ava approximately five minutes of conversation with JC to figure out that he was hitting on her. He wasn’t discreet in the slightest, as he touched Ava far too often to be considered friendly and flashed her that charming smile of his every chance he got. Ava figured she should enjoy the attention he was giving her, considering she was ‘moving on’ and all. Yet…it felt wrong to flirt with him when she knew she really wasn’t interested (and even more wrong to do so when Beatrice was right there).

“My ex-girlfriend is here.” Ava blurted out. Her and JC were standing against the railing of the top deck of the houseboat, beers in hand and wind in their hair. They had been talking by themselves for quite a while now, but JC had started hinting that they should meet up in town later that night and Ava knew she needed to shut things down before she got in too deep with him.

“Ah,” JC looked disappointed. “Is this your way of letting me down easy?”

Ava smiled sheepishly. “Sorry.”

JC shrugged. “That’s cool. Do you date girls exclusively or…”

“Not entirely, but I’m not ready to be with anyone else right now. Things are…complicated.”

“I get that.” JC ran a hand through his hair. “I just got out of a relationship not that long ago, so I know the feeling.”

“Bad break-up?”

“I guess you could say that. Yours?”

“It definitely wasn’t pretty.”

“All right, so which one is she?” JC asked as he scanned over Ava’s group of friends.

“That one.” Ava subtly gestured towards where Beatrice was sitting in the bowrider with the others.

JC let out a low whistle. “She’s hot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You’ve got excellent taste in women.”

Ava smirked. “Yeah, I know.”

“I’ve also happened to notice that this particular woman has had her eyes on us ever since I convinced you to join me up here.” JC mused. “I thought she was just checking me out, but now I see that I’m not really her type.” JC smiled roguishly. “Your girl’s jealous.”

Ava laughed. “What? No, she’s not. Trust me, Beatrice wants nothing to do with me.”

“Oh, really? Then why is she looking at us again right now? If looks could kill I would’ve been dead an hour ago.”

Ava glanced down to where Beatrice was, and sure enough Beatrice was staring straight back. “That – that doesn’t mean anything. Bea’s one of my best friends. She’s probably just looking out for me.”

JC rose an eyebrow. “Maybe we should give her something to look at.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if you want to make her even more jealous than she already is…I could kiss you. And if that upsets her, then you’ll know for sure that she still has feelings for you.”

Ava thought that over. She did say just this morning that she was trying to move on. If Beatrice was kissing other people, than it was okay for Ava to kiss someone else too, right? Besides, JC was kind, funny, attractive, and knew that Ava wasn’t interested in taking things any further. There really was no harm in having a little fun while she was with him.

“Yeah, okay.” Ava breathed.

JC smiled widely, and he slowly moved in, one hand cradling Ava’s cheek and the other resting on her waist. Ava’s heart pounded in anticipation, but her eyes were wide open. She had been in this same exact position yesterday on the gondola with Beatrice. It was crazy how two completely similar situations could feel so extremely different. When Ava could feel JC’s breath warm against her lips, his just millimeters away from pressing against her own, she found herself putting a hand on his chest and gently keeping him from closing the distance all the way.

“Wait.” Ava whispered. JC pulled back and tilted his head in confusion. “I don’t want this. I don’t want to hurt her. Not like this.”

JC nodded in understanding as his hands fell away from Ava’s body. “All right then, no worries. But, if you change your mind, I’d be happy to pick up where we left off.”

“You’re a strange guy, JC. Did you know that?”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Sorry that I don’t want to kiss you.”

JC shrugged. “No worries. Want to be my beer pong partner instead? I bet we can kick Randall and Zori’s asses.”

“Now that I’m down for.”

-

Beatrice was fuming.

She couldn’t understand what was wrong with her. It was supposed to be a fun day out on the lake with some of Lilith’s rich friends, yet Beatrice found she couldn’t concentrate on anything once Ava started talking to that JC character. From the get-go, he was all over her. And Beatrice was not happy about it in the slightest. What was wrong with her? Just yesterday Beatrice was telling Ava that she was over her and didn’t want anything more from her. She wanted Ava to move on. She wanted Ava to accept that things between them were over. And yet, seeing it happen in real time hurt more than Beatrice had thought was possible.

And she couldn’t stop staring. Even when Teresa was trying to talk to her or when Lilith was introducing her to Chanel, Crimson, and Melanie as the trio joined them on the bowrider. Beatrice was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate when Ava was in plain sight flirting so unashamedly with JC.

“What are you looking at?” Teresa asked her, and Beatrice had to force her gaze away and fumbled with some excuse about admiring the houseboat. Teresa seemed skeptical but didn’t push for more.

Beatrice knew Teresa was upset that they still hadn’t talked about last night, but she wasn’t in the mood to get into right now, especially around Lilith’s friends. Besides, Beatrice was confused with everything she was feeling. What she really needed right now was just some space. Space away from Teresa. Space away from Ava. Just space where she could sort out her thoughts and her feelings and process everything that’s happened since arriving at the lake house.

How did things get so twisted in such a short amount of time? Before coming on this vacation, Beatrice had been sure about what she wanted. Her and Teresa had been happy, and their relationship had been so easy. But now, being around Ava again was causing Beatrice to question everything. A part of Beatrice wanted to curse Ava for coming back and making her feel all of these things again, but the other part almost wished that she had made different choices while Ava was gone. Maybe Ava had been right yesterday. When it came down to it, Ava wasn’t the only one that had made mistakes.

“Hey,” Mary broke through Beatrice’s thoughts. She was sitting across from Beatrice on the bowrider and seemed to notice just how distracted Beatrice had been. Mary tossed her a lifejacket. “Ride with me for a bit.” She gestured to one of the jet skis floating idly by the boat.

Beatrice opened her mouth, ready to deny Mary’s request, but something in the look Mary was giving her let Beatrice know that she wouldn’t be taking no for an answer. Instead, Beatrice just sighed and pulled the life jacket on, then climbed on to the jet ski behind Mary. Mary revved the engine and they took off across the lake, mist from the water flying into their faces. Beatrice closed her eyes against the spray but smiled at the feeling of flying through the water.

“All right, look, I’m just gonna be straight with you,” Mary started, slowing the jet ski down until the came to a complete stop once they were a good distance away from everyone else. “You need to figure out what it is that you want here. Whether you want Teresa or Ava, it doesn’t matter which, but you need to choose and let the other go. Because it’s really not fair to either one of them for you to keep going like this.”

Beatrice let out a long breath. “I’m with Teresa.” She stated.

“Are you?” Mary sounded skeptical. “It really hasn’t seemed like it. Not with the way you stare at Ava.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t do that. You don’t need to lie to me.” Mary turned around on the jet ski so that she was facing Beatrice. “You don’t need to pretend that you’re as over her as you say you are. Just – if you really are moving on, then move on. Stop giving her hope if there isn’t any.”

Beatrice looked down at her hands to avoid Mary’s gaze. “She told you about yesterday, didn’t she?”

Mary nodded in confirmation. “I don’t blame you for hurting her, Bea. I just want to make sure you’re pushing her away for the right reasons.”

“I didn’t want to hurt her.”

“I know.”

“How are you so okay with everything’s she done?”

“What, with her leaving and all?” Beatrice nodded. “Because I understood why she left in the first place. Ava may be rash and reckless, but she’s not spiteful. I always knew she would come home when she was ready.”

“I’m still so mad at her.” Beatrice admitted.

“I was mad, too.” Mary said with a shrug. “But, besides Shannon, Ava is my best friend. She made mistakes, sure. But she’s here now and she’s trying. That’s enough for me.”

“I didn’t wait for her.” Beatrice whispered. “I promised myself I would wait for her.”

Mary put a comforting hand onto Beatrice’s shoulder. “That’s okay. But now you need to decide if you’re actually done or not.”

Beatrice sighed. “I know. I just wish there was a way I could make it so that no one has to get hurt.”

“I hate to say it, but I don’t think that’s possible at this point.”

“Why do I feel like I’m the bad guy all of a sudden?” Beatrice asked.

Mary smiled sympathetically. “Trust me, you’re not. You’re at a crossroads, Bea. You have these two people in your life that you really care about, and now you just need to figure out what’s best for you.”

“If only it was really that easy.”

“If you want some advice,” Mary gave Beatrice a pointed look. “Teresa’s nice and all, but I’ve seen how you are with her and how you are when you’re with Ava. To me, there’s a very clear answer here.”

“What are you saying?”

“You know exactly what I’m saying.”

Yeah, Beatrice did.

Mary gave her a smug smile, then turned back around and revved the engine of the jet ski. “Let’s go back. I want to see if I can get Shannon to race me on these.”

-

“Ava, can we talk?” Ava turned around in surprise to find Teresa behind her on the deck of the houseboat where she had been engaged in a thrilling game of beer pong with JC, Randall, and Zori (Ava and JC were totally winning by the way). Ava hadn’t even noticed that Teresa had left the bowrider and joined them on the houseboat.

“Oh, um, sure.”

Ava tossed the ping pong ball she was holding to JC and smiled apologetically as she followed Teresa over to the side railing of the boat. Teresa leaned against the railing, staring out at the lake towards the opposite shore of the bay they were floating in. Ava placed her hands on the railing, sliding her skin against the cool metal as she waited for whatever it was Teresa wanted to talk about, but Teresa was dead quiet and wasn’t even looking in Ava’s direction.

“So…what’s up?” Ava asked eventually, wanting to get back to her game. Teresa took a deep breath, and then she was rounding on Ava with a fire in her eyes that Ava had never seen before.

“I’m going to say this once and only once, so listen closely. Beatrice is mine, you got that? It’s time for you to start respecting our relationship and stay away from her.”

Ava took a step back, eyes wide and heart pounding as Teresa stared her down.

Oh, shit.

Chapter Text

Seven Years Ago

Ava sighed and drained the remaining contents of her glass before slamming it back onto the bar (a little harder than was really necessary). She signaled the bartender for another round and pulled out her phone, checking for new messages again to make sure she hadn’t missed anything in the two minutes since she last looked. It had been a rough week, to say the least. And that had absolutely nothing to do with how her classes were going, which was ironic considering she was only living in Dublin because of her study abroad program. School really should have been her number one priority, after all. Tonight, however, she found herself at the pub just down the street from campus drinking her sorrows away while she contemplated the turn her life had taken since she left the orphanage she had all but grown up in.

“Starting early are we?” Mary said as she dropped into the empty seat beside Ava at the bar, tossing her braids over a shoulder while she flagged down the bartender.

“Where’ve you been?” Ava asked. “You were supposed to be here an hour ago.”

Mary smirked. “Sorry, I got caught up.” The bartender passed Mary a beer, and Mary took a long pull before returning her attention to Ava. “So, what’s up? You’ve been in a funk all week. Don’t tell me that Irish boy’s been getting you down. What was his name? Rory?”

“Renny,” Ava corrected. “Rory was the bloke from last week.”

“Ahh right, my bad. It’s getting hard to keep up with you.” Mary nudged Ava playfully in the side.

Ava let out a heavy sigh before dropping her head into her hands. “Mary, I think I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Mary set her glass down, noting the sudden change in Ava’s demeanor. “Okay. And why is that?”

Ava picked her head up, resting her hands flat on the sticky bar top while her fingers tapped idly against the wood. “You know how I’ve been a little bit…promiscuous these last few weeks?” Mary rose an eyebrow. The two girls hadn’t known each other long, having just met a few weeks ago at the start of the semester, but Mary had never once judged Ava for her actions in regard to who she did or didn’t choose to hook up with. Meeting Mary had really been a blessing, Ava figured. “I guess I just thought I would feel different, know what I mean?”

“Honestly, I’m not really following here.” Mary said. “Care to explain?”

“I thought that I needed this experience.” Ava racked her brain for a way to describe what was biting at her. “The only person I had been with before was Beatrice. And I love her, you know? But it scared me that we only had each other. And that we were going to school together again and that it all felt so…permanent.”

Mary still looked a little confused. “You don’t need to explain to me why you broke up with her before going abroad. I get it, Ava. It’s pretty natural for high school relationships to end in university.”

“I know,” Ava said. “It’s just that lately, I’ve been realizing that these experiences I thought I needed with other people; it hasn’t been at all what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted, at least.”

“Okay…”

“Before I left for Ireland, I really thought it would be a good idea for us to end our relationship while I was gone. That way we could be young and carefree and figure out if what we had together was actually what we wanted and not just something we were doing because we felt obligated to see it through.” Ava searched Mary’s eyes for some understanding. “Beatrice is my best friend, but we latched on together out of circumstance. I was an orphan with no friends or family or understanding of the real world, and she was an only child with negligent parents and ridiculously high societal expectations resting on her shoulders. We didn’t have much else to hold on to. And there’s always been a part of me that was terrified she would realize that I’m nothing special.”

“So, instead of risking being hurt in the future, you pushed Beatrice away and ended things on your terms instead.” Mary concluded.

“Yeah,” Ava whispered sheepishly. “Self-sabotage is kind of my natural defense mechanism.”

Mary smiled sympathetically. “And now?”

“Now, I think I’ve royally fucked up.” Ava glanced around the crowded pub. “Because, truth is…I don’t want any of this. I just want her.”

“Then you know what you have to do now, right?” Mary waited until Ava met her eye. “Call your girl, apologize like hell, and get ready to fight the good fight once we get back to America.”

“What if she’s moved on already?”

Mary shook her head. “Ava, I’ve listened to enough FaceTime calls between the two of you to know that that girl has not moved on in the slightest. It’s going to take a lot of work, but if you’re serious about this,” Ava nodded vigorously. “Then you’ve got nothing to worry about. She’ll forgive you.”

Ava hesitated. “Yeah, but what if she doesn’t?”

“Then maybe she was never the one for you like you think she might be.” Mary placed a comforting hand on Ava’s shoulder. “Look, kid,” (Ava rolled her eyes; Mary was literally only three months older than her), “You’re a hardcore romanticist, you know that?”

Ava scoffed. “What? No way.”

“Oh yeah,” Mary nodded knowingly. “That’s why you can’t enjoy any of these hookups. You want more than a one-night stand. You want love. You want security. You want to be with someone that means something.”

Ava looked down at her drink clasped tightly in her hands. “Isn’t that what everyone wants?”

Mary shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. My point is, it’s okay for things to be permanent.”

Ava gave her a small smile. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this life, it’s that the good things never seem to last. I’ve never been good with permanent.”

“Maybe it’s time to change that. Be bold Ava. What have you got to lose?”

“Well, I’ve already lost what matters most so…nothing anymore, I guess.”

Mary smirked. “All right then. Time to stop making excuses and get your shit together, yeah?”

“I’ll drink to that.” Ava laughed. She flagged the bar tender down for two new beers, and her and Mary settled in for a night of drinking until the pub kicked them out.

***

Present Day – Friday Afternoon

Stay away from her.

Ava stared at Teresa in alarm, thoughts running rampant through her brain. First off, what the fuck? Who did Teresa think she was telling Ava to stay away from Beatrice like that? She had no right! Second, why now? Beatrice and Ava hadn’t talked at all today, why was Teresa suddenly so territorial? Wait just a darn second…did Beatrice tell Teresa about what had happened on the gondola yesterday? Did Teresa blame Ava for how her and Beatrice had ended up on the gondola alone together? Did Teresa know that Ava was still in love with Beatrice?

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“W – what?” Ava stuttered, taking another step away from Teresa. “What’s going on? Where is this coming from?”

Teresa looked downright murderous. “Don’t do that.” She snapped, advancing closer towards Ava. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know exactly what you’re doing.”

Ava frowned, fully confused now. “What did I do? I haven’t even talked to Beatrice since yesterday. What is your problem?”

“What’s my problem? Just drop the act already, Ava!” Teresa said with a scoff. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

Ava tossed her hands up in frustration. “Jesus Christ, why does everyone think I’m up to something?”

Teresa ignored Ava’s interruption. “You’ve been undermining my relationship with Beatrice all week and I’ve had enough! First with all of your stupid jokes, then with you being all friendly and trying to get to know me, which, I’ll admit, I was disarmed for a moment. But now you outright trying to plant seeds into Beatrice’s mind that you two belong together is the last straw, Ava. You need to get it through your head that you and Beatrice are done. It’s over.”

Ava dropped her gaze as anger started to boil up under all of her surfaces. Yesterday’s conversation with Beatrice had hurt enough without Teresa getting into her face about it, too. Beatrice didn’t want her anymore; Ava had heard her loud and clear. “Don’t worry, Teresa. I’m well aware of where Beatrice and I stand.”

“See, I don’t think you are.” Teresa’s voice was dangerously low. “I think you can’t handle the fact that Beatrice doesn’t need you anymore.”

Ava stared at her.

“Just look at the facts, Ava.” Teresa continued. “Look at your history. All you’ve ever done is hurt her. And now she’s found a way to be happy without you and for some reason you just can’t let her go. She’s done with you.”

“I don’t need you to tell me that.” Ava said hoarsely, trying to keep her voice under control. “I’m not sure why you’re being so territorial all of a sudden, but my friendship with Beatrice really has nothing to do with you. So, I would appreciate it if you would back off and leave me alone.”

Teresa smiled, but there was no warmth behind it. “No, I’m done backing off. I’ve been patient with you, Ava. I’ve let you and Beatrice reconnect all week. But somehow, after every conversation with you, Beatrice comes back upset or hurt or angry. So, I don’t care anymore. You need to stay away from her.”

The blood was roaring in Ava’s ears. How dare Teresa tell Ava to stay away. “And what if I don’t?” Ava challenged.

Teresa shrugged as if unconcerned with Ava’s anger. “Then you don’t. And you’ll be left with the knowledge that your very presence has caused Beatrice even more pain. Because that’s all you are to her now, Ava. You’re the festering wound that just keeps opening and opening and opening. No matter how many times I stitch it closed or how many times Beatrice puts herself back together again; all you manage to do is break her down. How can you keep calling yourself her ‘best friend’ when you’ve been responsible for all of the worst parts of Beatrice’s life? Do you really think you deserve to have someone like Beatrice in your life? You’re destructive, Ava. The damage you’ve done can never be fixed.”

Ava felt like she was standing at the end of a very long tunnel with Teresa’s voice bouncing off the walls, echoing from one side of Ava’s conscious to the other. Ava stared down at her feet. Though the sun was blazing down at the lake, Ava felt like all of the warmth had been sapped right out of her as Teresa’s words oozed into her. While it hurt to hear, Ava couldn’t deny that Teresa was right.

“You’re selfish and reckless Ava, and Beatrice has had more than enough of your games. Beatrice may not have the heart to tell you all this, so I’ll say it for her. Whatever connection you and Beatrice may have had before, she doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. Not after all you’ve put her through.”

Ava’s brain raced to connect the dots between her and Beatrice’s conversation on the gondola versus the conversation she was having with Teresa right now. Yesterday, Beatrice had seemed almost sad with the way they were leaving things between each other. And she had said that she never wanted to hurt Ava either, hadn’t she? But now, Teresa was saying Beatrice was completely done with Ava. She couldn’t be done, could she? Unless…unless Beatrice had told Teresa to confront Ava about this? Was it possible that Beatrice hadn’t been honest with Ava; that Ava had really crossed the point of no return? It was like a cold bucket of ice had been dumped over Ava, drowning her in the realization that maybe this thing between her and Beatrice wasn’t something Ava could ever repair. It really was…over.

“Is everything okay over here?” Camila had approached the pair, unbeknownst to Teresa and Ava who were too wrapped up in their conversation. Her eyes were wide as she glanced between Ava and Teresa, and Ava had to turn away to hide the tears brimming in her eyes.

Teresa took a step away from Ava, and Ava could see she was trying to wrestle control over her emotions before addressing Camila. “Everything’s fine, Cam. We just had a small misunderstanding. But we’re all good now, right Ava?” Ava’s jaw tensed, but she nodded while still avoiding meeting Camila’s curious gaze. “Right,” Teresa forced a smile. “I’m going to go find Beatrice.” Ava waited until Teresa’s footsteps had disappeared before she turned to face Camila.

“Ava,” Camila stepped closer, slipping a warm hand into Ava’s and squeezing tightly to ground Ava to the present. “What happened?”

Ava shook her head, tears falling freely now. “Everything is so messed up, Camila.” She whispered. “Why do I mess everything up?” Camila pulled Ava into her warm embrace, rubbing soothing circles into Ava’s back as Ava pressed her face into Camila’s shoulder, sniffling softly.

“You don’t, Ava. I promise you don’t.” Camila said comfortingly.

“I should have never come on this trip.” Ava mumbled into Camila’s shoulder. Camila didn’t say anything. Instead, she held onto Ava even tighter until her tears stopped.

-

Lilith was waiting for Beatrice by the time she returned to the bowrider after her talk with Mary on the jet ski. Lilith was suspiciously alone, as Chanel, Crimson, and Melanie had gone back to the houseboat, Shannon had taken the other jet ski, and Teresa was mysteriously absent. After talking with Mary, Beatrice wanted nothing more than to go back to the lake house and hide herself away from her friends while she thought over Mary’s words and insinuations.

Mary was right. She was so completely right.

Ever since Ava had left her, Beatrice had been in a constant state of limbo. It had started with a complete refusal to even so much as listen to Ava or to try to see things from her point of view, and instead focusing on her own sense of abandonment. Then, she had thrown herself into a new relationship even though she still had feelings for Ava. And now, after all this time and everything that’s happened, she was torn between two women. Two women who, though completely different from each other, held pieces of her heart so tightly between their fingertips.

Does she stay with Teresa, the woman who picked Beatrice up from the deep pit of despair she had been in, dusted her off, and proved to her that there was more love in the world that existed just for Beatrice? Teresa was a safe bet. She was loyal and caring and wanted the same things Beatrice wanted. Teresa was ready to settle down and build a home with Beatrice. She was ready to further her career within the same industry as Beatrice. She put Beatrice first. Beatrice could picture her life with Teresa; a life with stability and certainty. She would never have to worry about waking up one morning and Teresa being gone.

Or, does she pick Ava? Ava who was indecisive, unpredictable, a flight risk. Ava who had been somehow simultaneously the best and worst parts of Beatrice’s life. Ava who had always challenged Beatrice and kept her on her toes. Ava who had made Beatrice feel things she had never felt before. Ava whom Beatrice had loved since she was seventeen and who she still couldn’t quite seem to get out of her head. Ava who had left her twice before, who had broken her heart over and over again, but who always came back in the end. Ava was anything but a safe bet.

On paper, the choice should have been obvious. But –

Beatrice buried her head in her hands, unable to think clearly. When had things gotten so complicated?

“You okay, Bea?” Lilith’s question startled Beatrice out of her thoughts. She had forgotten Lilith was even there, so wrapped up in her own little world. Beatrice faced her oldest friend, noting the concern in Lilith’s eyes.

“Do you think you would ever be able to move on if Camila were to break up with you?” Beatrice asked.

Lilith’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Umm…I don’t know. That’s not something I’ve ever thought about before.” Lilith took a moment to roll the question over in her mind. “I guess it would depend on the situation. If she, you know, cheated or something I think I would be too angry to be stuck on her.” Lilith and Beatrice both grimaced at the very idea that Camila would ever do something so heinous. “But if she were to leave because she didn’t love me anymore…I don’t think I could move on from that.” Lilith shrugged. “She’s all I want.”

Beatrice nodded, resting her chin on her hands. “Yeah, you two are great together.”

Lilith tilted her head. “Why do you ask?”

“You’re going to be upset with me.” Beatrice warned.

Lilith snorted in amusement. “Just spit it out already.”

“Ava told me she’s still in love with me and wants to fight for me.” Beatrice rushed out. Lilith’s expression was carefully guarded.

“I know.”

“I don’t think I’m as over her as I thought I was.”

Lilith’s face remained impassive. “I know.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Lilith stared calculatedly at Beatrice, the boat rocking gently underneath them. They were quiet, the only sounds coming from the houseboat floating a few meters away.

“Do you blame me for this?” Lilith finally asked.

“I – what?” The question hadn’t been one Beatrice was expecting. Accusations, sure, but what could Lilith possibly be to blame for?

“For your relationship with Teresa.” Lilith clarified. “I practically shoved the two of you together. Do you blame me for that?”

Beatrice’s eyes widened. “No, of course not.”

“Because it would be okay if you did, you know. You told me you weren’t ready, but I didn’t listen. And I’m sorry for that.” Lilith said sincerely. “I just really wanted you to be happy again.”

Beatrice smiled. “I promise you, everything that’s happening now is not your fault, Lilith.” Beatrice looked out across the lake. “After my first date with Teresa, I really thought she could be the one. I think that night was the first night since I met Ava, that I hadn’t thought about her even once. And I truly believed that maybe I could move on from Ava after all.”

“You did seem happy before Ava came back.” Lilith supplied.

“I was happy. Or as happy as I could be without Ava.” Beatrice hesitated. “Teresa loves me. She has for a while now, I think. And I’ve been wanting to say those words back to her; been wanting to give her the same sense of security that she’s been giving me. But every time I go to say it, it’s like my throat closes up and I can’t get the words out.” Beatrice rubbed awkwardly at her temple. “I just can’t bring myself to lie to her like that. The truth is, I don’t love Teresa. And I’m not sure anymore if I ever can. Not when my heart still beats for Ava.”

Lilith crossed the bowrider and took a seat next to Beatrice, her shoulder pressed comfortingly against Beatrice’s. “Ava said you told her that you don’t want to love her anymore.”

Beatrice laughed humorously. “God, I wish I didn’t. You have no idea how much I wish these feelings for Ava would just go away. After everything she’s put me through, how can I still feel so much for her?”

Lilith placed an arm around Beatrice. “I’m sorry that I don’t have some magical, lifechanging advice to give you.”

“That’s okay.” Beatrice rested her head on Lilith’s shoulder. “And I don’t expect you to understand why I feel this way, you know. You don’t have to be okay with any of it.”

Lilith chuckled. “I know I was hard on you the other day for wanting to fix things with Ava, but like I said, I just want you to be happy, Bea. And if Ava is really what makes you happy, then I don’t think my personal feelings towards your situation are all that important.” Lilith poked Beatrice gently in the side. “What is important, though, is what you’re going to do next.”

Beatrice sighed heavily. “That’s the golden question, isn’t it?”

Lilith hummed softly. “Just know, whatever you do, Camila and I have got your back. Always.”

Lilith’s words felt like they lifted a weight off of Beatrice’s shoulders. She really did have the best friends she could ever ask for. “I think I know what I want, but I can’t make that decision yet. Not now. Not here.”

“There’s no need to rush things.” Lilith said, nodding in agreement. “Just take your time to really be sure about your decision.”

“It’s not going to be pretty…” Beatrice cautioned.

Lilith laughed at that. “These things never are.”

-

They left the houseboat party in the mid-afternoon, once everyone had a little too much sun and the group was getting hungry. After her disastrous talk with Teresa, Ava had been trying her best to act normal around JC and his friends, but her heart really hadn’t been in the games anymore. She quickly said goodbye as she made her way back to the bowrider, declining more invitations to go out with his group later that night, and escaped to the safety of the jet ski that Mary was driving. Ava knew Mary could tell something was wrong, but she didn’t press Ava about it. Instead, they followed behind the bowrider in silence as they made their way back to the lake house.

Dinner that night consisted of baked chicken, roasted potatoes and brussels sprouts, and a fresh salad, paired with glasses of red Syrah. Ava dug into her meal with gusto, while her friends broke out into conversation around her as they ate.

“So, Shannon, you finish your law program next spring, right?” Teresa was asking. Shannon nodded; mouth too full of food to respond. “Do you have any plans for once school is over?”

Shannon swallowed. “Actually, I do. I’ve been looking into firms in the DC area and have already found some possible placements there. Mary and I are ready to be back with our friends again.”

There were choruses of excitement around the table as Beatrice, Lilith, and Camila took in that news. “That’s wonderful news, you two!” Camila squealed, while Beatrice said, “You’re both going to love DC.”

Camila looked across the table towards Ava. “Does that mean you’ll be moving to DC as well, Ava?”

Ava took a sip of her wine while eyes focused on her. She had known about Shannon and Mary’s moving plans for a few weeks now and had already decided she would be going with them. “What, you think I’d stay in Boston all on my lonesome?” Ava rolled her eyes dramatically. “Of course, I’ll be moving with them. Someone’s got to keep an eye on Mary when Shannon isn’t around.” Mary laughed as she clapped Ava on the back while Camila beamed at her, and Ava avoided looking in Beatrice’s direction, where Beatrice was watching her with a curious look in her eyes.

A week ago, Ava would’ve been thrilled about the idea of moving to DC, where she could see Beatrice more frequently and start to rebuild their shattered relationship. But now that anything with Beatrice was off the table…Ave almost wished Mary and Shannon had decided to stay put where they were in Boston. Everything would just be so much easier that way.

Ava was standing at the sink washing dishes after dinner when Beatrice came up beside her, silently taking dishes off the rack to dry them. Ava could feel Beatrice’s gaze on her every now and then, but she did her very best not to look over at the other girl.

“Are you really going to move to DC?” Beatrice asked quietly, as if not wanting to be overheard by the rest of their friends still sitting at the kitchen table.

Ava scrubbed stubbornly at a plate. “I told you, I need to find a home. Right now, that’s with Mary and Shannon. So, if they’re going to DC, then I’m going to go with them.” In her mind, Teresa’s voice echoed over and over again like a high-pitched whistle she couldn’t shake.

Stay away from her.

Stay away from her.

Stay away from her.

“But don’t worry. DC is a big city,” Ava continued. “You won’t even know I’m there.”

“What?” Beatrice’s hands stilled as she stared at Ava, the plate she was holding dripping water onto the countertop.

“That’s what you want right,” Ava said bitterly. She turned the sink off and dried her hands. “For me to stay away from you? No problem. We can be adults about this. You can live your life and I can live mine. It doesn’t need to be any harder than that.”

Beatrice dropped the plate onto the counter as Ava started to walk away from her. “Ava, wait a second!” She said. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Ava turned around in frustration. “Why can’t you just leave me alone, Beatrice?” She all but yelled. There was a sudden silence as everyone at the table stopped talking and stared at Ava and Beatrice from where they stood across from each other in the center of the kitchen. “I can’t keep playing this game with you! One second you want to be friends, then the next you want nothing to do with me anymore. I can’t keep up with whatever it is you want from me!”

Beatrice looked stunned.

“Ava don’t.” Mary said worriedly while standing up from the table, but Ava ignored her friend’s warning and bulldozed on through before Beatrice had a chance to say anything.

“One minute you don’t want to hurt me and the next you want me to stay away from you. Well, if you can’t make up your mind then I’ll do it for you! I’m done, okay? I’m done trying to make up for my mistakes, I’m done trying to fix what I broke. You and everyone else have made it very clear that you’re better off without me anyways. So, I’m walking away from – from whatever this is.” Ava’s voice lowered as all of the fight seeped out of her body. She met Beatrice’s eyes; wide and sad and churning with emotion that Ava couldn’t stomach to see. “I can’t let myself destroy you anymore; I’ve already done enough damage.”

Ava turned on her heel and headed resolutely for the stairs, longing to escape the probing eyes of her friends and the girl who meant to world to her, but wasn’t hers to want anymore. She stopped however, just before leaving the kitchen, throwing one last look over her shoulder to where Teresa sat frozen at the kitchen table. “Congratulations,” Ava growled. “You win.”

No one in the kitchen moved until after Ava’s bedroom door slammed shut from the floor above them.

-

Beatrice stood outside on the porch by herself later that night, processing the events of the day. Hell, the events of the entire week. What a whirlwind. Only Ava could cause so much mayhem in such a short amount of time.

Ava’s freak out in the kitchen earlier was really bothering Beatrice, because it came out of nowhere. Beatrice had been completely off guard. And now, even a few hours later, she still didn’t have a clue where Ava’s sudden anger had come from. Sure, Ava had asked for time and space from Beatrice, but now Ava was just – just done with her? It was irony at its finest. Because if one thing was for sure…

Beatrice was definitely not done with Ava.

Not by a long shot.

“Bea?” Camila said timidly, startling Beatrice as Camila joined her out on the porch, the back door closing softly behind her. “Can I talk to you for a second?” Beatrice nodded her approval, and Camila joined her at the porch railing, leaning forward on her elbows next to Beatrice. Camila was softly biting at her lip, as if nervous about whatever it was that she wanted to talk about. “That was pretty intense in there with Ava. Are you okay?” Camila asked softly.

Beatrice sighed, crossing her arms tightly against her chest. “Honestly, no. I just don’t know what happened.” She muttered. “After yesterday…I thought we would be okay again. I thought we had reached some sort of an understanding. I thought we were going to try to move forward together. And I don’t – it doesn’t make sense how that all could’ve changed so quickly.”

Camila’s expression looked almost uncomfortable as she briefly glanced towards the back door, then moved her head closer to Beatrice, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I think I might know what happened.”

Beatrice met Camila’s worried eyes and lowered her voice to match. “What do you mean?”

Camila hesitated for a second, as if she really didn’t want to be the messenger of whatever news she was about to drop. “I saw Ava and Teresa talking on the houseboat earlier this afternoon.” She finally confessed. “I don’t know what they were talking about, Ava wouldn’t tell me, but it didn’t seem like a friendly conversation and Ava was really upset after.” Camila glanced over her shoulder again to make sure they wouldn’t be overheard. “I like Teresa a lot and all…but whatever she said had hurt Ava. And I for one am not okay with that. I just thought you should know.”

Beatrice took in Camila’s news with a small frown, mulling it over in her head. In the year that Beatrice had known Teresa, she had never known her girlfriend to be hurtful or spiteful. And after their argument last night, Teresa and Beatrice really hadn’t talked at all today. Beatrice knew that Teresa was still upset with how things were between them. Hell, Beatrice was, too. Was it possible Teresa had taken matters straight to Ava instead of working things through with Beatrice? Could she even blame Teresa if she did? What had Teresa said to Ava that could have caused her to be completely done with Beatrice? Whatever it was that had happened, something was off.

Something was definitely off.

And Beatrice really needed to talk to Teresa.

Chapter Text

Four Months Ago

Beatrice turned the heat on as soon as she got into her car, breathing into her hands to warm them up. The city was always deceptively cold at the start of spring, but even more so when the wind would blast the way it had been doing the last few days. The clear blue skies were certainly misleading, considering the temperature was still below freezing level. Even the short walk from her office to the parking garage was enough to make Beatrice want to never step foot outside again. Once her fingers had thawed, she pulled her phone out of her bag. It was just after 4pm. Normally, this would be considered leaving work early, but Beatrice had gotten in at 5am that morning, so she had worked well past her allotted eight hours. That was pretty typical, bearing in mind her line of work.

Beatrice scrolled through her notifications, having not checked her phone in a few hours. There were 6 texts in her group chat with Camila and Lilith about their dinner plans that evening, 3 snapchats from Mary and 2 from Shannon, a tag for some post on Instagram from Teresa, 12 unread work-related emails that she wasn’t going to bother opening until the following day, and an unread voicemail from Ava.

Beatrice smiled upon seeing the voicemail. It wasn’t uncommon to get one from Ava, as she almost always called Beatrice once she woke up to start her day. Due to the time difference between DC and Sydney, it was rare for Beatrice to actually pick up the phone, as she was usually knee deep in work when Ava would call, but Ava always left entertaining voicemails for Beatrice to listen to as she drove home from the office.

As Beatrice was about to press play on the voicemail, her phone chimed as a new text popped up; this one from her new girlfriend, Teresa.

Teresa [4:12 pm]: Hey babe! I’m swamped with work tonight, probably won’t be out till after 8 and will miss dinner :(

Bea [4:13 pm]: Oh, that’s okay don’t worry about it!

Teresa [4:13 pm]: Maybe you can come to my place once dinner’s over…?

Beatrice felt her cheeks heat up at the insinuation.

Bea [4:14 pm]: Absolutely.

Beatrice closed out of her texting app, then returned her attention once more to the little voicemail notification. She hesitated, her thumb dancing over the play button, a sudden feeling of guilt gnawing at her stomach. Her relationship with Ava these days was…complex, to say the least. They had gone from not speaking for months when Ava first took off for Australia, to now talking almost every day. Beatrice didn’t really know how she felt about Ava anymore, with the way things ended between them feeling so unfinished. But now that Teresa was in the picture, everything was somehow so much more complicated.

Especially seeing as Beatrice hasn’t told Teresa much about her constant communication with Ava. That was a subject Beatrice had so far avoided sharing with her new girlfriend.

Beatrice pressed play and put the voicemail on speakerphone, and Ava’s loud, excited, chaotic voice soon filled the car.

“Gooooooood morning, Bea! I know, I know, it’s like the end of the day for you already, but it’s morning for me so deal with it! I was actually really hoping you’d pick up today because I have something important to tell you, but since you didn’t answer I can’t tell you yet. I can practically see your eyebrows getting all scrunched up now in confusion, Bea, but relax, okay? It’s good news, I promise!”

Beatrice laughed, as she had indeed furrowed her eyebrows at the mystery.

“Guess you’ll just have to call me back soon to find out what it is, huh? Anyways…I didn’t have much else planned for this call, but I can’t leave you hanging just with that. So instead, I’m going to tell you about the animals at the Australia Zoo that I’m thinking of adopting, you know, for like donation purposes. Save the animals and all. And you can help me decide which one to pick! Okay, first up is Milo, a wombat. I don’t know much about wombats but they’re cute as fuck, Bea. Like I think my spirit animal might be a wombat. I’m dead serious. Milo just likes to nap, munch on grass, and dig holes in the sand. Tell me that’s not what I would be like if I was an animal? Or, I can adopt Melman the kangaroo! He’s just a little guy, super adorable and he shares a birthday with Bindi Irwin, so he’s basically a celebrity and I would be one by association. Yeah, pretty sure that’s how it works. Let’s see…another option is Koya the koala! I think you could be a koala, Bea. Don’t roll your eyes at me, you’re a cuddle monster and you know it! Okay, okay fine you’re definitely way more badass than a koala, but your soft side is very koala-esque, don’t fight me on this. Ooh, but also there’s Archie the dingo…”

Ava rambled on and on about different zoo animals for another 6 minutes, and Beatrice listened attentively the entire time as she drove to Camila and Lilith’s apartment, mentally taking notes so that she could later help Ava narrow down her list. The entire message was so very Ava, and while she listened, Beatrice momentarily forgot that things were still so messed up between them.

It was a quick drive to the neighborhood that Camila and Lilith lived in, which was only a few blocks away from Beatrice’s own apartment. Beatrice parked in an empty spot down the street, then mentally prepared herself to step out into the cold for the short walk into the building.

Camila greeted her at the door, all curly hair and toothy smile. She had had the day off of work today after working until the early hours of the morning the previous night and was bouncing with energy after sleeping most of the day away. “Bea, good you’re here!” Camila grabbed Beatrice’s arm and pulled her into the apartment. “Lilith stopped at the store on her way home, so she should be here in a few minutes with groceries for dinner.” Beatrice took a seat on the couch in the living room while Camila got two beers from the fridge, passing one to Beatrice before settling down beside her.

“You missed an exciting day at work.” Beatrice said, taking a sip of her beer. “After the tipoff we received last week about that terrorist organization regrouping in the south, we’ve been scouring through cybersecurity threats nonstop. The tactics team was in disarray when I walked in this morning trying to get all bases covered.”

“I know. They had me there until 4am this morning. It was a nightmare.” Camila smiled. “But I did have a breakthrough with localizing the threat, so it wasn’t all bad.”

“Wait, that was you? Nice one, Cam!”

Camila beamed. “Thanks. Where’s Teresa, by the way? I thought she was coming with you.”

“She’s stuck at the office still and won’t make it tonight.” Beatrice explained.

“Oh, well, there’s always next time.” Camila’s expression turned serious. “So…you haven’t talked about the news yet. How are you feeling?”

Beatrice narrowed her eyes in confusion, unsure of what Camila was referencing. “News? What news?”

Camila chuckled softly. “About Ava coming back.”

She said it like it was obvious.

Like Beatrice should’ve known.

Like it was clearly something Ava must’ve found important enough to mention to her.

Camila frowned at the shock that must’ve been apparent on Beatrice’s face. “She told me and Lilith a few days ago…you knew about this already, right?”

“I – no, no I didn’t.” Beatrice cleared her throat uncomfortably. “When?”

Camila dropped her gaze guiltily. “Three weeks from now. She’s flying into Boston to stay with Mary and Shannon while she looks for work in the states.” Beatrice leaned back on the couch while she processed this turn of events. It must be what Ava had mentioned wanting to tell her in today’s voicemail. Camila smiled sheepishly. “I’m so sorry to drop this on you now but I assumed she would have mentioned it to you already. How are you feeling?”

Ava’s coming home.

How was she feeling? Beatrice wasn’t so sure. Did she miss Ava? Of course, she did. She missed her like crazy. Ava was her best friend, no matter what happened between them in the past. Phone calls and text messages and FaceTime sessions were some of the best parts of her days. But was she ready for Ava to be here again? Was she ready to see Ava? And…what about Teresa? Everything with Teresa was still so new, but it had been good so far. Ava didn’t even know about Teresa yet. Was she ready to have her past and her present relationships intertwine like that?

No. No she wasn’t.

Ava’s coming home.

She wasn’t ready at all.

Beatrice stood up abruptly from the couch, setting her half-finished drink onto the coffee table. “Cam, I’m sorry but I think I’m going to have to take a rain check on dinner.”

“Oh, are you sure?” Camila asked while Beatrice hastily grabbed her things, pulling her jacket on and searching for her car keys in the pocket.

“Yeah, I just need to be alone for a bit I think.” Beatrice backed away for the front door feeling flustered while avoiding Camila’s concerned gaze. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow, okay?” Beatrice didn’t wait for an answer as she hurried out of the apartment before Camila could convince her to stay and talk about anymore of her feelings. In her rush, Beatrice almost slammed into Lilith in the hallway, who was laden down with grocery bags.

“Watch it, Bea!” Lilith snapped as she just managed not to drop her phone in surprise as Beatrice pushed past her. “Wait – where are you going?” But Beatrice was already gone.

Ava’s coming home.

Ava’s coming home.

Ava’s coming home.

(She never did make it to Teresa’s house that night.)

***

Present Day – Saturday Morning

The following morning, Mary and Shannon found Ava in her bedroom in the lake house; Ava’s duffle bag was laying open on the bed while Ava haphazardly shoved clothes into it. Her phone was on the nightstand blasting Unsteady by X Ambassadors and her eyes were ringed with dark circles, looking as if she hadn’t slept at all last night.

“Good lord.” Mary muttered under her breath while she took in the scene. Shannon walked over to the nightstand and pressed pause, cutting off the depressing curated playlist Ava had been listening to all morning (titled If you’re listening to this again it’s time to call your therapist). Mary and Shannon had given Ava space last night after her shouting episode with Beatrice, but now they were ready to force Ava to sit down and talk to them about whatever it was that was going on.

Ava spun around at the arrival of her two closest friends, and she hastily tried to hide her duffel bag behind her back.

Mary quirked an eyebrow. “Going somewhere?” Ava didn’t answer; she just shrugged her shoulders guiltily instead.

“Ava,” Shannon sighed. “Haven’t you learned by now that running away is never the answer?”

“I’m not running away…. I’m just going home a day early, that’s all.” Ava turned back to her bag and zipped it up. “Beatrice clearly doesn’t want me here as it is, so I might as well make things easy for everyone and just go. Besides, I’ve had more than enough of being the seventh wheel on this trip.” She couldn’t hide the bitterness from her voice.

Mary and Shannon glanced worriedly at each other from behind Ava’s back. “I really think you’re making a mistake here, Ava.” Mary said softly. “Why are you giving up now?”

Ava gave a hollow laugh, frustration seeping through her skin. She raked her hands through her hair, attempting to shake off the tightness in her chest. “Giving up? I’m not giving up. Don’t you get it Mary? There’s nothing left for me to fight for!”

“Like hell there isn’t!” Mary’s expression hardened. “Come on, what did Beatrice do to make you think she wants you to stay away from her?”

“She didn’t have to do anything!” Ava yelled in defeat. She screwed her eyes up, looking anywhere but at Mary and Shannon, desperately wishing Mary would just drop it. “It’s just what she wants. What she deserves. She’s better off without me.” Ava turned back to her duffle bag so that she didn’t have to look at her friends, her knuckles going white as she clutched her hands into fists to keep them from shaking. “Like Teresa said, all I do is hurt her. There’s no fixing us anymore.”

“Wait a second,” Shannon’s eyebrows shot up skeptically. She placed a gentle hand on Ava’s shoulder, nudging her back around. “Teresa said that to you?”

Ava shrugged dejectedly. “Yeah, what of it?”

Mary scoffed. “And you listened to her? Ava, you can’t be serious right now. Why would you push Beatrice away just because her girlfriend tells you to? I know you’re usually a little slow on the uptake, but even you can’t be that dense.”

Shannon shot Mary a cautionary glance before turning back to Ava, her hand still on Ava’s shoulder rubbing soothing circles against her skin. “Has it occurred to you, Ava, that Teresa might have been trying to cause a rift between you and Beatrice?”

Ava frowned. “Why would she do that?” She asked, thinking it over. Teresa had told her to stay away from Beatrice because Ava was continuing to hurt her over and over again, plain and simple.

Mary’s eyes rolled so far in the back of her head Ava was worried they might get stuck. “Dude, she’s jealous of you.” Mary waited until Ava looked her in the eye. “What you and Beatrice have together…it’s special. It’s the kind of relationship some people spend their whole lives looking for. And Teresa wants that. But anyone with eyes and two working brain cells can see that – while Beatrice may like Teresa – it’s nothing to how she feels about you, Ava.”

Ava sighed as she sat on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands, her head spinning. Why did this all have to be so complicated? Ava messed up, Beatrice was with Teresa, and Bea wanted nothing left to do with her. As much as she wanted to believe what Mary and Shannon were saying, Teresa being jealous of Ava didn’t make her words yesterday any less true.

Ava was destructive.

And Beatrice would be better off without her.

“I can’t keep fighting for her if she doesn’t want me to.” Ava’s voice was impossibly small. “It’s not fair to Beatrice…and it’s not fair to me. I’m tired. Of – of hurting her. Of feeling like this. I should have never come back.”

Shannon pulled Ava into a warm hug, rubbing her back soothingly while Ava rested her head dispiritedly into her shoulder. “Maybe this is just karma calling.” Shannon said gently. “Maybe you need to hurt for a little while before you can heal again.”

“How long is a little while?” Ava asked, her voice muffled from being pressed into the crook of Shannon’s shoulder.

“Let’s see,” Mary sat down on Ava’s other side, stroking thoughtfully at her chin. “there were those six months galivanting around Ireland, plus another twelve for the whole Australia fiasco. That makes a full year and a half of anguish you inflicted…” Mary whistled through her teeth. “Multiply by four, carry the two, divide in half…by my calculations, I’d say that earns you a solid four years of bad karma before your penance is due.”

Ava smacked Mary’s arm. “This is not the time to pretend you’ve ever been any good at math.”

Mary barked out a laugh. “The point still stands, sometimes life really has to suck before it can get better. But,” Mary nudged Ava’s shoulder, “it will get better. And you won’t be alone through the bad parts.”

Ava scrunched up her nose, her eyes burning.

“Yeah Ava,” Shannon said from her other side, “We’ve got your back. Always.”

And in that moment, as Ava sat between two of her best friends, warm tears coursing silently down her cheeks, she felt that maybe they had a point. This hurt couldn’t – wouldn’t – last forever.

“Do you really think Beatrice still – still cares?” Ava whispered, almost afraid to hear the answer.

The tender look Mary gave her then, so full of love and affection, was devastating.

“Yeah, Ava. I really, really do.”

-

Beatrice’s neck and back ached.

Not that she was surprised. Sleeping on the couch may not have been her best idea, but it was really her only option after the events of yesterday. Last night was not the time for more confrontations, and she hadn’t wanted to be around Teresa until she got her head on straight and figured out what she wanted to say. She still didn’t feel ready for this conversation, but she was all out of time. It was now or never. Beatrice knew what had to be done, but coming to that decision didn’t make her feel any better about the situation (not even a little bit).

It was still early, and no one else had come out of their bedrooms yet. Beatrice walked up the stairs, rubbing at her sore neck. On the second floor, she noticed the door to Shannon and Mary’s bedroom was wide open, though neither of the room’s occupants seemed to be around. Beatrice paused at the landing, and she could hear voices coming from the bedroom to the right. Ava’s room. Shannon and Mary must be in there with her. Not wanting to eavesdrop, Beatrice turned in the opposite direction and made her way to the room on the left.

Teresa was staring out the window when Beatrice walked into the bedroom, closing the door softly behind her. She had her arms crossed tightly against her chest and made no movement to indicate she was aware of Beatrice’s arrival. Beatrice stood a few feet behind her girlfriend, rocking back and forth on her heels awkwardly as she tried to start the inevitable conversation that needed to happen between them.

“Hi,” Beatrice finally said, and Teresa visibly stiffened as the silence between them was broken. “I was hoping we could talk.”

Teresa turned around, and Beatrice’s breath caught in her throat at the sight of Teresa’s tired, red-rimmed eyes. “Oh, are we talking again? That’s a surprise, seeing as you’ve barely said two words to me in the last 24 hours. So, unless you’re here to apologize for freezing me out, I really don’t have much to say to you right now.” Beatrice winced at the venom in Teresa’s voice. She had never heard Teresa, who was usually so kind and soft-spoken, speak with such malice.

Beatrice took a deep breath and tried to keep her hands from shaking. “I need to say some things.” Her voice came out raspier than she was expecting, and she cleared her throat before continuing. “I need to say some things – and they’re going to be hard – but I need to be honest…with myself. And with you.”

Teresa looked away sharply, and Beatrice could see her eyes welling up with fresh tears. Beatrice’s own vision blurred, and she had to fight to keep her composure. “Just say it, then.” Teresa managed to whisper, biting at her lip.

“I tried – I tried so hard – to be the person you needed me to be.” Beatrice rasped. “To be the girlfriend you needed me to be. But somehow things got so – they just got so complicated!” Beatrice walked over to stand by Teresa, and together they looked out the large window overlooking the lake as a way to avoid looking at each other. “I used to see the world in such simple terms, you know? Life has a specific order, and when things happen, life reacts. I’m not really sure when I stopped predicting the outcome. Because this – you and me – I was never expecting this.”

Teresa brushed at the tears falling down her cheeks with the back of her hand but remained silent.

“I never expected you.” Beatrice whispered. “If you had told me the day we met how important you would become to me, I wouldn’t have believed it. Not for a second. Because I didn’t think I deserved to have someone like you care for someone like me. I thought I was too broken for anyone else to love. And yet, you loved me anyways. Even when I made it hard.”

That got a small chuckle out of Teresa. “I always knew from day one that you’d be a challenge.”

Beatrice flashed her a watery smile. “I really wanted this to work. Whatever else you may think, I hope that’s something you can believe. This wasn’t the way I wanted things to go.”

“Me either.” Teresa met Beatrice’s gaze without wavering. “I thought you were going to come in here to yell at me, after everything I said to Ava. I had all these arguments ready to defend myself; to make you see that I did it all because I was scared of losing you. But if we’re being honest…I never really had you though, did I?”

Beatrice glanced down, guilt clawing at her insides. “I’m so sorry.” She whispered.

Teresa let out a strangled sigh. “Did I at least put up a good fight?”

Beatrice gave a watery laugh. “You’ve always been a fighter. I think that’s one of the things I like most about you.”

“But not enough to pick me?” Teresa gave Beatrice a sad smile. “After everything she’s done to you – after everything you’ve been through because of her – Ava is still what you want?”

Beatrice ran a hand through her hair. “I really wish I could explain it.” She whispered. “It doesn’t really make sense to me either. But…yeah, she is.” And it was that simple, admitting it out loud, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off Beatrice’s shoulders.

It was Ava.

It had always been Ava.

Teresa held her gaze for a long moment, then shook her head. “I want to wish you well – really I do – but a part of me also hopes Ava breaks your heart again just to prove me right. She’s destructive, Beatrice. She’s destructive, and you’re capable of building worlds.” Teresa stepped closer so that she was suddenly right in front of Beatrice, her breath warm against Beatrice’s lips. “Just – just don’t let her burn you to the ground again.”

When Teresa kissed her, it tasted like goodbye.

“I’m so sorry, for everything.” Beatrice said once Teresa pulled away.

Teresa swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “Yeah, me too.”

Teresa’s phone chimed, and she looked down at the notification that popped up on her cracked phone screen quickly before giving Beatrice one last watery smile. “My ride is here.” She said, and Beatrice, looking around the room, noticed for the first time that Teresa’s suitcase was already packed and waiting for her by the door. “So, just know that you are absolutely wrong if you think you’re the one that’s breaking up with me. If you hadn’t gotten your act together and come and talked to me, we would have had a very different kind of breakup.”

Beatrice raised an eyebrow, amused. “How are you always one step ahead? Is that an accounting thing? Or have you just always been a planner?”

The bad pun was almost worth it, just for the look of exasperation that overtook Teresa’s face.

“My god, you and Ava really deserve each other.” She muttered, but there was no real spite behind her words. “I’ll see you at work, Beatrice.”

And before Beatrice could say anything else, Teresa was gone.

-

“Boy oh boy, do we have some drama updates for you guys!” Lilith exclaimed as she and Camila burst into Ava’s bedroom, startling Ava so violently that she flung her phone across the room, almost smacking Mary in the face with it.

“Get a grip, will you?” Mary grumbled, scooping Ava’s phone of the floor as Camila shut the door behind her and Lilith. “What are you two on about?”

Camila wrung her hands together anxiously as her eyes flit towards Ava. “Teresa apparently ended things with Beatrice this morning and is currently in an Uber on her way to the airport to go back to DC.” She let out in one long breath.

“Woah, what?” Shannon gasped while Mary scoffed “Teresa broke up with Beatrice?”

“I know! I, for one, did not see that coming.” Lilith agreed, ever the gossip. “Though in the grand scheme of things it does kind of make sense seeing how poorly Beatrice has been dealing with Ava being here and all of the unresolved tension between them –”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a real mystery.” Mary cut Lilith off, waving her hands abruptly to move her along. “Do you know how it happened?”

“Not really,” Camila said, casting a glance at Lilith. “Lil and I were making coffee in the kitchen and Teresa came down with her suitcase. She just thanked Lilith for letting her stay at the house, said she’d see me around at work next week, then she called Ava some very colorful names that don’t need repeating, and she left.”

“I believe her exact words were ‘twat waffle’ –”

“Lilith!”

“What? I’m just trying to be an accurate storyteller.”

“Ava doesn’t need to hear –”

“Oh please, I call Ava a twat waffle at least once a week! And that’s one of my nicer names for her, so you know –”

“What even is a twat waffle? Hold on, I’m gonna google it.”

Shannon then launched into a dramatic reading of the many urban dictionary definitions of ‘twat waffle’, but Ava had long since stopped listening to her friends; the blood pounding in her ears drowning out everything else.

Teresa broke up with Beatrice.

Teresa broke up with Beatrice.

Teresa broke up with Beatrice.

“Ava,” Mary’s voice snapped Ava back to attention and she met her friend’s steady gaze from across the room. A soft smile spread across Mary’s face. “Are you just gonna stand there all day, or are you gonna go get your girl?”

Ava didn’t bother responding as she rushed out the door.

Chapter Text

9 Years Ago

Ava could already tell Beatrice was in a bad mood when she spotted her from across the courtyard after fourth period, where Bea was leaning against the large Areala Academy founder statue with her arms wrapped tightly across her chest and a sour expression on her face.

“What’s wrong?” Ava asked carefully, in leu of hello. “Did Mrs. Armstrong take points off your essay again for being ‘too liberal’? Do you need me to fight her? Cause I’ll do it. I mean it, you’ll have to hold me back. And I’ve got a mean right hook, you don’t want to test me.”

“Ava,” The corners of Beatrice’s mouth tilted up in a small smile at Ava’s ramblings. “Please don’t do anything that’ll get you kicked out of school. This place sucks enough already, never mind if you weren’t here anymore.”

Ava smirked and brushed her hand at her shoulder nonchalantly. “I already knew I was the best thing about this school, but it’s nice to hear you say it every now and then.” Beatrice rolled her eyes fondly, and Ava reveled for a moment in the feeling of cheering her best friend up before dropping her joking manner. “But seriously, what’s the matter?”

Beatrice sighed and leaned back against the statue they stood next too, resting the back of her head against the smooth stone. “I – it’s nothing really. It’s stupid.”

Ava frowned and reached out to tug at Beatrice’s sleeve, her fingers tingling when she made contact with the smooth skin of Beatrice’s wrist. “Talk to me.” Ava pressed, ignoring the butterflies that erupted in her stomach when Beatrice’s warm eyes met hers (that had been happening an awful lot lately – the butterflies. It was getting pretty annoying in Ava’s opinion).

“My mother called.” Beatrice shrugged, trying and failing to look indifferent. “She said that her and my father won’t be getting back from Dubai for another two weeks.”

Ava furrowed her eyebrows as she mulled this over, then let out a huff of annoyance as she put the pieces together. “They’re missing junior recital.”

“They’re missing junior recital.” Beatrice confirmed, her voice catching. “It’s not like I’m surprised or anything, I just thought…” Beatrice trailed off with a shake of her head, and she avoided Ava’s eyes.

“You thought they’d care enough to be here.” Ava murmured, filling in the blanks.

Beatrice let out a long breath, staring heard up at the sky. “Yeah, guess I did. Pretty stupid of me, huh?” Ava reached a shaky hand out and tucked a piece of Beatrice’s dark hair behind her ear, her fingers lingering in Beatrice’s space a second longer than was really necessary. Beatrice looked at her with sad eyes, her breath warm in the space between them (and god, Ava really wanted to kiss her).

“I don’t think that’s stupid at all.” Ava said softly. “You’ve worked so hard on your piece for the recital. Your parents are, quite frankly, idiots for choosing to miss it. Idiots for always choosing work over you if I’m being honest. How can they not see what an amazing daughter they have?”

Beatrice’s breath caught in her throat, and Ava couldn’t quite read the tender expression that passed over her face as she reached out to give Ava’s hand a soft squeeze. “You’ll be there though, won’t you?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Ava promised. Beatrice wrapped Ava into a tight hug, and Ava thought her heart would beat right out of her chest.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Beatrice asked after pulling away.

Ava tilted her head. “Now? It’s the middle of the day. We have history in –” she consulted her watch, “– three minutes. Mr. Barton was hinting at a pop quiz yesterday.”

“I know, I just –” Beatrice bit at her lip nervously. “I just really don’t want to be here right now. Please?”

And when Beatrice batted her eyes in that way, Ava really had no choice but to agree to whatever she wanted.

“Okay, fine. But when we inevitably fail history and I lose my scholarship, just know that you are completely to blame.”

-

Beatrice drove them into the hills, their car winding up along the narrow road while the radio played quietly in the background. They hadn’t spoken much since leaving campus. Beatrice seemed deep in thought and Ava racked her brain for ways that she could help make her best friend feel better. Ava had no idea where they were going, but Beatrice seemed to have a place in mind. She pulled off the main road just as the trees thinned out and the car came to a gentle stop at the edge of a dirt cliff, just a single low guard rail between them and the rocky ravine below.

Ava turned to Beatrice and raised her eyebrows. “The Point? Really?”

“What?” Beatrice shrugged. “It’s a nice view.”

Ava scoffed. “Sure, all the lowlifes think so, too. I heard Brad Winters took Sarah Lewis’s virginity up here.” Ava glanced around the parking area suspiciously. “Probably in this same exact spot.”

Beatrice laughed. “Oh, come on, there’s no one up here now but us. It’s fine.”

“People usually just come to The Point to get high, everyone knows that.” Ava stated. “There’s probably so much marijuana residue lingering up here, we’ll get stoned just by breathing the air. And look at that!” Ava pointed at something on the ground she could see through the passenger window. “Is that a condom? That looks like someone’s disgusting used condom! My lord, why are people such animals?”

“Would you quit being so dramatic?”

“Says the one who made us skip school to come to the loser’s hangout.”

“Ava,” Beatrice rolled her eyes, but she was smiling as she opened her door and got out of the car. “Just – be here with me right now, okay?”

Ava couldn’t ever say no to her.

They sat together on the hood of Beatrice’s car for hours, just talking quietly and joking around and avoiding any mention of Beatrice and her tumultuous relationship with her parents. Ava longed to press the issue so that Beatrice could vent her frustrations, but she knew better than to push her when she wasn’t ready. The stayed up there so long that the sky began to darken, and the lights of the town could be seen below. Beatrice was right, it was a nice view.

“You want to know what I’m really scared of?” Beatrice said softly as she stared straight ahead while her fingers twisted nervously in her lap. Their conversation had turned heavier with the fading light.

Ava stared at Beatrice, admiring her side profile – the tilt of her lips, the slant of her nose. “What are you really scared of?” She asked softly.

“That I’ll never be enough for anyone.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper, but Ava felt the power behind her words as they scratched at her skin. “Not enough for my parents, not enough for my friends, not enough for y – for anyone. Just…not enough.”

Ava swallowed several times as her throat went mysteriously dry. Her heart ached for Beatrice, and she desperately wished that she could see herself the way that Ava saw her. “That’s not – no. Bea, you’re enough. You’re more than enough.”

Beatrice turned to look at Ava, her eyes glassy and full of disbelief. Ava let out a short breath, her pulse pounding beneath her skin so loud that she felt Beatrice must be able to hear it.

“I can’t speak for your parents, or for anyone else. But for me?” Ava reached a hand out and touched her fingertips lightly against Beatrice’s cheek, marveling at the warmth of her skin. Smooth and soft and alive. “You aren’t just enough. You’re everything.”

Beatrice closed her eyes and shuddered softly. Her hand came up to rest on top of Ava’s, holding Ava’s palm closer to her cheek.

“I think you might be the best thing that ever happened to me, Ava Silva.” Beatrice whispered.

Ava wasn’t sure how she found the courage to close the distance between them, but the next thing she knew she was kissing Beatrice. And Beatrice was kissing her. And it was like something in the universe had clicked into place and Ava was pretty sure the moment their lips met that the world had stopped spinning.

That there was a shift in the cosmic forces of the Earth.

Because there were a lot of unknowns still in Ava’s world, but this – Ava and Beatrice – that was a sure thing.

***

Present Day – Saturday

Beatrice wasn’t in her bedroom.

Ava took the stairs down two at a time, almost crashing into the wall at the bottom of the stairs in her haste, but Beatrice wasn’t in the kitchen either. Or the living room. Her rental car was still in the driveway when Ava ran out front to check, so she knew Beatrice hadn’t left the house. Heart pounding, Ava pushed out the back door and made her way onto the deck, scanning the yard for a sign of her best friend.

And there she was.

Beatrice was sitting at the end of the dock, her hands gripping the edge as her feet dangled over the lake – a silhouette in the morning light. Her head was downcast, shoulders slumped, as she stared intently at the water, her dark hair pulled back in a loose bun tucked at the nape of her neck. The sight made Ava’s heart ache. She paused on the porch stairs, doubt creeping into her veins, suddenly unsure of how she should proceed.

What was she even supposed to say in this situation?

Sorry that your girlfriend just left you, want to get back together with me?

Ava scoffed at herself. It was ridiculous.

She was ridiculous.

Ava sat down on the porch steps with a heavy sigh and rubbed wearily at her eyes. What was even happening? Yesterday Teresa was up in arms against Ava ordering her to stay away from Beatrice, and today she was breaking up with her? It didn’t make any sense! How was Ava supposed to navigate this tricky situation when the facts didn’t seem to align with the outcome?

Maybe Camila and Lilith had it wrong. Maybe it was the other way around and Beatrice had broken up with Teresa. Was it possible Beatrice had confronted Teresa last night after Ava freaked out on her in the kitchen? Could Beatrice have broken up with Teresa for Ava?

Could she have…

No, stop. Bad Ava!

It was wishful thinking that Ava couldn’t let herself get lost in.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

Wasn’t it just a few days ago that Beatrice was telling Ava that she was done? She was done with Ava; done with their back and forth, on again and off again tumultuous relationship. She wanted to make things work with Teresa. To build a life with someone who she could depend on.

Someone who wasn’t a flight risk.

Someone who wasn’t Ava.

Because Ava was selfish. Because Ava couldn’t be trusted. Because Ava never stayed.

But I want to stay.

She wanted to stay now more than she ever had before. She wanted to build a life – one where she was safe and loved and happy.

She wanted to move to DC and rent a small apartment in Columbia Heights and work a 9-5. She wanted movie nights at Mary and Shannon’s and game nights at Lilith and Camila’s. She wanted Saturday morning strolls around the National Mall and lazy Sunday mornings in coffee shops and bookstores.

And she wanted all of that with Beatrice at her side.

She wanted to go home to Beatrice after work – on both the good days and the bad. She wanted to cook dinner with Beatrice and argue over what they were going to watch that night on Netflix. She wanted to surprise Beatrice with coffee before a long day and flowers when it was over. She wanted to explore the city with Beatrice at her side – concerts and farmers markets and museum after museum after museum. She wanted to hold Beatrice’s hand as they wandered through the Smithsonian Zoo and to rest her head on Beatrice’s shoulder on the train ride home after a night downtown. She wanted wake up every morning with Beatrice in the bed beside her; tangled in the sheets together, skin against skin. She wanted to watch the sunsets in the summer; side by side on their rooftop deck, glasses of wine dangling precariously from their fingertips, tipsy on the feeling of each other. She wanted to tell Beatrice every day that she loves her.

Loves her.

Loves her.

Loves her.

(That she had never stopped.)

(Not even for a second.)

Ava took a deep breath and released it slowly through her teeth. She wanted an entire life with Beatrice. But…the facts of the past week still stood – even if Beatrice and Teresa’s relationship was technically over. Beatrice had still said that she didn’t want to love Ava anymore. And there’s no telling if that would change at all with Teresa now out of the picture.

“Psst!” Ava nearly jumped out of her skin as Mary hissed at her from the back door. She spun around on the steps to find Mary, Shannon, Camila, and Lilith crowding the doorway, all fighting for prime viewing position of the anticipated reunion between Ava and Beatrice. Ava rolled her eyes. They weren’t even trying to be discreet. There really was no privacy when it came to this group.

(Ava loved them anyway).

Mary was staring at her, eyebrows raised skeptically. “What are you doing? Why are you just sitting there?” She probed.

Ava cast a frantic glance down towards the lake to make sure Beatrice hadn’t looked their way, knowing how well sound tended to carry around the lake.

“What am I supposed to say?” Ava asked, suddenly desperate for Mary’s advice. “Her and Teresa just broke up. I can’t – I can’t just swoop in and expect her to want me again.”

“Okay, so don’t expect that.” Mary said simply. “Look, right now Beatrice doesn’t need a girlfriend. She just needs her best friend.” Mary gave Ava a fond look as Shannon wrapped her arms around her waist. “She needs you. So go and be her best friend, Ava. And take it from there. One moment at a time.”

Mary was right.

(Mary was always right).

It’s what Ava should have been doing all along, really.

At the end of the day, Beatrice was her best friend. And there wasn’t a higher force in the world that was going to change that.

Stealing her nerve, Ava finally made the trek down to the lake. One foot in front of the other, her palms sweating every step of the way. As she approached the dock, she made sure her footsteps were loud enough to be heard, so as not to startle Beatrice by suddenly appearing behind her. Beatrice turned her head as Ava approached, and Ava had to grip her hands into fists to keep them from shaking.

“Hi,” Ava said softly, taking in Beatrice’s appearance.

“Hi,” Beatrice said back. Ava couldn’t read the expression on her face.

“Can I sit with you?” Ava asked nervously, and she almost expected Beatrice to tell her to go away based on how long it took before Beatrice patted the space on the dock next to her, a silent invitation. Ava kicked off her shoes and dropped down beside Beatrice, dangling her feet out over the lake.

“Camila told us what happened.” Ava murmured. She kicked a foot through the water, splashing an arc of droplets out in front of them. The lake was cold to the touch, and Ava shivered at the contact. “I’m really sorry.”

“Are you?” Beatrice whispered.

Ava didn’t answer right away. She stared out into the distance, her eyes following a lone jet ski rider as they zoomed across the lake from one shore to the other.

“I know I haven’t been handling any of this very well.” Ava said quietly. The soft waves of the lake lapped lazily at her ankles where her feet were submerged. “Just a week ago I thought that I had everything figured out. I would come on this trip and spend quality time with all of my best friends. And along the way I would show you how much I’ve grown since I left…and I thought that maybe we could find a way to be happy again.”

Beatrice was staring intently at her feet, motionless. Ava cleared her throat and powered through.

“I thought that maybe – just maybe – we could start over. I could fix all of the pieces of us that I broke. And that we could build something new together.” Ava smiled to herself. “Mary and Shannon, they always talk about this little dream house of theirs. What they would have together in a perfect world. What they hope they can create as they continue to live for each other. I used to think that life is something that just happens to us; that we can only have so much control. But I want more than that now. I want so much more. I want to build something, too.”

Beatrice turned her head slightly, and Ava could feel her warm eyes watching her as she peeked up at Ava.

“I know that you care about Teresa, and that what you and she had together was real. And I am so sorry. For everything that’s happened, Bea. For all the ways you’re hurting. For all the ways that I have broken you and us and – I’m just – I’m sorry.”

Ava broke off then with a shuddering breath, feeling like the weight of the world was currently hanging tumultuously from her shoulders. She chewed uncertainly at her bottom lip. Beatrice remained quiet beside her, the only sound between them the gentle lapping of the lake as the water pushed in before pulling back out. Ava wrung her hands together while the silence between them stretched, unsure of how Beatrice was feeling in this moment, wishing that she could take a peek into Beatrice’s mind for some clue as to what to do next.

“Do you remember the first time we kissed?” Beatrice asked after a few minutes had passed. Her voice was softer than Ava was expecting. So soft she could’ve gotten lost in it.

“How could I ever forget?”

The corners of Beatrice’s mouth twitched. “I saw my whole life flash before my eyes the first time we kissed. I saw us growing up and growing old together. I saw us taking the whole world by storm. And I knew that – however we got from here to there – that we were happy. That we would be so happy, Ava.” Beatrice reached out and took one of Ava’s hands in hers, effectively stilling Ava’s nervous movements. “You were it, you know? You were it. And god, Ava, I was so in love with you.”

Beatrice’s voice cracked. Ava squeezed her hands a little tighter.

“I was so in love with you, and I couldn’t see anything beyond that.”

Ava’s heart thumped in her chest, her mind echoing with Beatrice’s words from the gondola ride a few days ago.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

“I couldn’t see the ways you were hurting and the ways you were drifting away. I was so in love with you, and I couldn’t see you when you needed me to.” Ava’s jaw clenched tightly. She suddenly wished Beatrice would stop talking because her words felt strangely like a goodbye.

“When you left for Australia,” Beatrice continued, “It destroyed me. And I was so mad at you. I’m still so mad at you. And yet, I couldn’t help but wonder how I had missed it. How had I not seen it coming?”

“Beatrice –”

“– How had I been so blind when it came to you?”

Beatrice turned slightly so she could look Ava full in the face. There were tears glistening in her eyes, and Ava ached to reach out a swipe them away. In the soft light, she was beautiful.

“What are you saying?” Ava asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

The small tilt of Beatrice’s lips filled Ava with a warmth she couldn’t describe.

“I’m saying I see you now. I see you and I’m sorry that I didn’t before.”

Beatrice’s thumb swept across the back of Ava’s hand. “Teresa was kind to me, Ava.” Beatrice said. “She was kind, and she was safe, and she helped fill the empty spaces you left in your wake.” Beatrice’s grip tightened on Ava’s hand. “But she wasn’t you. She could never be you. And I think I’ve always known that.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Ava all but whispered.

“I know. You may be reckless and thoughtless sometimes, but I’ve always known how good your heart is.”

The sentiment filled Ava with a sense of hope. Beatrice understood. After everything Ava had done, Beatrice understood.

“Last night you said you were done with this. With us. That you’re ready to walk away.” Beatrice’s voice was hoarse as her hand slipped out of Ava’s. She crossed her arms protectively across her chest, and Ava already missed the warmth of her skin. “Are you?”

“No.” If there was one thing Ava was sure of, it was that. “I will never be done with you.”

Beatrice closed her eyes, letting out a shaky breath. Ava could feel her trembling slightly on the dock beside her. “Okay then.”

-

Beatrice’s entire body was buzzing as she sat on the dock with Ava under the warm Tahoe morning sun. She was struggling to wrap her head around everything that was happening.

Teresa was gone and Ava was here and Ava wanted to build something.

And the way Ava had said it felt different than it had before.

It felt honest. Real.

It was everything Beatrice had wanted to hear from Ava. And yet…

Beatrice turned her head away from Ava, looking out over the lake. The water was crystal blue, dazzling in the warm sunlight.

This was the cycle. The Ava cycle.

She drew Beatrice in with her soft words and full promises, like she always knew exactly what Beatrice needed her to say. And it would be good, at first. Amazing. But Beatrice never seemed to notice when the cycle reached the point where Ava was willing to break her heart.

Beatrice wanted Ava. She wanted Ava in all of the worst ways.

She wanted to bring Ava home with her to her little apartment in DC. She wanted to show Ava her favorite coffeeshop on her street corner and the bar two blocks over where the bartender always gave her happy hour prices even long after happy hour had ended. She wanted to teach Ava the subway system and ride those Bird scooters with her around the National Mall. She wanted Ava to be her partner at game nights and her voice of reason when she went overboard buying books at the library book sales. She wanted Ava to fill their apartment with plants and have Ava teach her how to take care of them, because Ava had always had a way with nature that Beatrice just couldn’t seem to figure out.

Maybe they could finally get a dog like they’ve always talked about.

Maybe this time things would finally be permanent.

But…what if they weren’t? What if the cycle was just starting itself all over again? Once Ava got settled, grew restless – Beatrice knew better than anyone that of all the things Ava excelled at, permanence had never been her strong suit.

And nothing scared Beatrice more than Ava leaving.

“Bea?” Ava’s voice broke into her thoughts. Her hand brushed against Beatrice’s elbow, and Beatrice flinched at the sudden contact. “What are you thinking?” Ava sounded so small in that moment.

Beatrice swallowed around the lump in her throat, unable to meet the burning gaze Ava had trained on her. “I want to believe you, Ava. I want to believe everything you’re saying. I want to believe that you want this as much as I do – that you want to build something permanent.” Beatrice finally turned to her, and the look in Ava’s dark brown eyes was devastating. “But I cannot go through losing you all over again.”

“Beatrice, I –”

“I can’t, Ava.” Beatrice’s voice cracked. “I want to believe that this time will be different, but I – I’m scared. I am so scared.”

Ava’s hands somehow found hers again (and Beatrice marveled at the fact that she had thought anyone else’s fingers could ever fit in the spaces between her own).

“What can I do?” Ava asked – so earnestly that it made Beatrice’s heart ache.

“I think – maybe – that we just need some time.” Beatrice glanced down at her hand tucked safely in Ava’s. The words felt like sand in her mouth, but deep down she knew they were the right ones. “That I need time. I need to be able to trust you again before – before anything else.”

Ava didn’t answer right away, but she never let go Beatrice’s hand.

“Okay,” Ava whispered after a beat of silence. She was facing forward again, a thoughtful expression on her face. “I can give you time. All the time you need. But Beatrice,” Ava was suddenly looking her straight in the eye, a look that was so fiery and determined and so very Ava. “I'm not going anywhere. And I will spend the rest of my life fighting for you. That, you can bet on.”

Beatrice reached a shaky hand out and trailed a finger along Ava’s cheek, her thumb caressing the length of her jaw. She was beautiful (Ava had always been beautiful (and Beatrice knew without a doubt that she loved her)). But if this were to really work, she knew that some time, and some space, was the right thing to do.

Even if it hurt.

(And god, it did).

“I really hope so.”

Beatrice smiled at Ava then, and she hoped that Ava could read in her eyes everything that she wasn’t saying.

Beatrice pulled away from Ava and stood up, water residue from the lake dripping onto the dock beneath her feet. Ava didn’t move to follow her.

“When you move to DC,” Beatrice said. “With Shannon and Mary, maybe then we can figure this out. We can figure everything out.”

Ava leaned back on her hands, watching Beatrice’s departure from over her shoulder. She looked angelic sitting there at the end of the dock, toes trailing through the water and hair tumbling around her shoulders in waves. “In DC?”

“In DC.” And the promise was sealed between them as Beatrice walked away, Ava remaining frozen on the dock behind her.

In DC…

As Beatrice made her way back up to the lake house, she couldn’t help the fluttery feeling of hope that was nestled in her chest. Hope that this could work, that her and Ava would finally get this right. After everything, they deserved that much, didn’t they?

Beatrice walked up the porch steps and pushed her way inside through the back door, where Mary, Shannon, Lilith, and Camila were all trying to make themselves look busy – as if they hadn’t been spying on Beatrice and Ava down on the dock. Beatrice gave them all an exasperated look. They weren’t even being subtle about it. Camila was reading her book upside down and Mary was whistling for Christ’s sake.

“Everything okay, Bea?” Lilith asked, the worry she was feeling evident in her tone.

Beatrice glanced around at her friend group and felt warmth bloom in her chest. She really was so lucky to have them all in her life. There wasn’t a better group of friends one could ask for.

“Yeah,” She said, a small smile pulling at her lips. “Yeah, I’m good.”

And she would be, she knew.

She was on her way to building something permanent.

Chapter Text

Six years Ago

Boston in March was miserable, in Beatrice’s opinion.

There was still icy slush in the streets after last week’s snowstorm and a bite to the air that wouldn’t go away, even though the sun was setting later and later each day – it was devoid of any real warmth, yet Beatrice was still deceived by its presence whenever she tried going outside without layering up. And it was always windy. Why? What was the reason for this much wind?

Beatrice couldn’t wait for spring.

Her apartment was empty when Beatrice got home after her last class of the week – Lilith, her roommate, was out of town this weekend visiting her family, much to Lilith’s displeasure – meaning Beatrice had the apartment all to herself. Shivering as she unlocked the door of her unit, Beatrice hastily toed off her shoes in the hallway, lining them up neatly on the shoe rack, and hung her jacket up on the hook on the wall. She pulled her hair out of the neat bun she had it in all day, running her fingers gently through the strands as she padded down the hallway into the living room, where she collapsed gracefully on the couch.

This week had been brutal – two midterms, a lengthy essay, and a group project having occupied all of her time. Now that she was finally home and had the whole weekend to prepare for whatever hell university decided to throw at her next week, she felt she could finally take a breath and slow down for a minute.

Lounging on the couch with a knit blanket thrown over her lap, Beatrice debated on how she wanted to spend her Friday night. It was rather gloomy outside – the sky had been ominous all day, heavy with the threat of rain. Lighting some candles and curling up with a warm beverage and a good book sounded ideal – this semester had been so busy it had left Beatrice with very little time to actually read for fun and enjoy her down time. But that could all be changed now that she had a free night ahead of her.

Just as Beatrice was debating on what candle would provide the coziest scent – she was torn between White Strawberry Bellini and Midnight Jasmine – her phone started to vibrate on the coffee table with an incoming call. Ava’s name popped up on caller ID along with a selfie Ava had sent her a few months ago – large, puppy dog eyes and a beaming smile; Ava never failed to be adorable. Before Beatrice even answered the phone, she knew her nice, relaxing night in was already over.

“Shouldn’t you be working right now?” Beatrice asked in lieu of hello. Ava had a shift at the campus rec center most Friday afternoons.

Ava’s laugh at the other end of the line was music to Beatrice’s ears. “They overscheduled, so I got to leave early. Which means –” The sound of a car horn suddenly blared through the speaker, and Beatrice had to jerk her phone away from her ear in an effort to preserve her hearing. “– watch where you’re going, asshole!” Ava was yelling once Beatrice managed to bring her phone back up. “Sorry about that.” Ava said, breathless. “People are the worst drivers around here.”

“Are they really bad, or were you just not watching where you were going again?” Beatrice accused. “Defensive walking, Ava. We’ve been over this.”

Ava made a tsking noise. “The pedestrian is always right, Bea!” Beatrice could practically see the sheepish smile she knew Ava was sporting. “At least, that’s what my argument will be in small claims court when someone eventually hits me.”

Beatrice rolled her eyes but decided not to chastise Ava any further.

“Anyways,” Ava continued. “What I was going to say – before I was so rudely interrupted – is that we should go out tonight! I’ve been hearing rumors of a cool bar in Allston that accepts fakes.”

Beatrice bit her lip, mulling it over. Her unlit candles and unfinished book stared mockingly up at her from the coffee table. “I don’t know, Ava. It’s been a long week; I was kind of planning on staying in tonight.”

“That’s exactly why we should go out!” Ava’s enthusiasm couldn’t be dampened, even over the phone. “We deserve to celebrate getting through midterms. It’ll be so fun, please say yes!”

Beatrice hesitated, her brain currently at war with her heart. She had no doubt a night out with Ava would be fun. She could sit in a room with Ava for hours staring at a wall in complete silence and she would still have fun. Because it was Ava, and – for some God only knows reason – Ava always managed to get under Beatrice’s skin.

(But, like, in a good way).

Which was exactly why she shouldn’t go out to the bars with Ava tonight.

It had been almost a year since Ava returned from her Ireland study abroad adventure. In those first few weeks, Beatrice had been distant – she was hurt with the way Ava had handled things. But at the same time, she was also kind of grateful for the year apart. Her and Ava had been attached at the hip all through high school; having some distance between them was a necessary step for Beatrice and Ava to learn how to live independently of each other (Ava had been right that they had some growing to do, not that Beatrice was ever planning on telling her that).

Ava’s return to Boston – and to Beatrice – brought up a lot of mixed feelings for Beatrice. Though she and Ava had talked almost every day on the phone while Ava was abroad, she was unsure what their relationship would look like when Ava was back. They weren’t together as a couple anymore, but somehow things between them never felt like it was just friendship. Beneath the surface, they were always something more.

(Always something inevitable).

It started gradually. It was in the way Ava’s gentle touches lingered against Beatrice’s skin just a moment longer than they needed to; in the way Ava’s dark eyes seemed to always find Beatrice’s, even in a crowded room – heavy and meaningful and hopeful. It was in the way that they fell into sync together, always in rhythm, like they couldn’t seem to escape from each other’s gravitational pull; in the way Beatrice, who had at one point adjusted to Ava’s absence, now looked for Ava everywhere – looked for her in everyone.

Ava.

Ava.

Ava.

The thing was, Beatrice knew that if anything were to happen romantically between her and Ava again, it would be her, Beatrice, who would have to initiate it. Ava knew she had been the one who messed up their relationship before, and she wasn’t a big enough of a fool to try anything unless Beatrice wanted her to.

And as hard as Beatrice had been fighting against it, good lord she wanted to.

“Please, Bea?”

Beatrice sighed internally, but a smile tugged at her lips. A couple of drinks with Ava; there were certainly worse ways to spend her Friday night.

“Fine,” She finally relented. “But first round is on you.”

Beatrice could practically feel Ava beaming through the phone.

-

They met up in Allston, at the Packard’s Corner T-stop. Ava was glowing under the streetlights and Beatrice had to exercise some self-control to not latch onto her and never let her go. They walked the few blocks to the bar Ava had heard about – always close but not quite touching. Ava’s intel was good; the bouncer barely glanced at their fake IDs before waving them in.

The night passed by in a blur once Beatrice started drinking – as nights such as these tend to do. The first round of drinks turned into a second, turned into a third, turned into…at some point Beatrice stopped counting. Looking back, she couldn’t say what exactly her and Ava talked about or did to make time fly by so quickly, but it didn’t matter – she was with Ava.

(Beatrice could forget the rest).

They took the green line home once the bar kicked them out at closing, and Beatrice was in stitches the whole way – Ava whispering nonsense into her ear; her laughter so sweet Beatrice wished she could bottle it up and keep it forever – Ava’s fingers always finding contact with Beatrice’s body; an anchor, a savior, a psalm.

All too soon they were at the T-stop closest to Beatrice’s apartment, and Beatrice was left wishing they could stay on the train, just a bit longer.

“Come on, I’ll walk you home.” Ava offered, even though her apartment was still two stops away.

It never occurred to Beatrice that maybe it was an offer she should refuse.

Their casual stroll through the streets of Boston to Beatrice’s apartment turned into a full-on sprint as the storm finally broke; the heavens opening above them, a torrent of prayers. Beatrice and Ava were soaked to the skin in minutes (but Beatrice barely noticed the cold when Ava’s hand was wrapped warmly in hers). Together they splashed through puddles already pooling on the sidewalks, the glow of the streetlights illuminating the downpour – lighting the way home.

Refuge came in the form of Beatrice’s apartment building; the overhang shielding them as Beatrice and Ava took shelter from the storm. Ava was laughing – fully, deeply – drops of rain rolling slowly down her cheeks, her expressive eyes alight with a boundless joy.

Oh, how Beatrice ached at the sight of her.

“Well then,” Ava said – smiling, breathless, bright. “I suppose this is where I leave you.”

Beatrice’s heart clenched at the very notion.

“No,” Beatrice heard herself say; saw the way her hand reached out, brushing against the smooth skin of Ava’s jaw; felt the warmth that bloomed in her chest, in her heart, in her depths.

Ava tilted her head, eyebrows furrowed – a question forming on her lips that Beatrice didn’t let her ask before Beatrice was kissing her.

(Ava tasted like beer and honey and promises).

(It felt like coming home).

They fit together effortlessly, Ava and Beatrice; mouths in perfect sync, rhythmic; hands in hair on skin on skin; shallow breaths, warm and soft and sweet.

Right. Beatrice thought. Having Ava like this always felt right.

Like a holy ritual.

(And she could’ve stayed that way forever).

“Beatrice,” Ava whispered after they broke apart, their breath fogging the air around them. Lights from the overhang danced in Ava’s eyes, and Beatrice could have sworn she saw galaxies. “Are you sure?”

Beatrice leaned forward until her forehead was pressed against Ava’s, the tips of their noses brushing. Beatrice could still taste Ava on her tongue; could still hear her pounding heart threatening to burst free of her chest.

She didn’t think she had ever been so sure about anything in her life as she was sure about Ava.

“I want you, Ava.” She breathed into the miniscule space that existed between them. “So much that it hurts.”

Ava sealed their fate with another searing kiss. Slow, steady, unrushed.

Words would come later.

Right now, they had all the time in the world.

(Ava didn’t leave Beatrice’s apartment for the rest of the weekend).

(Beatrice was reminded that sometimes home can be a person).

***

Present Day – Sunday

Sunday morning dawned clear and bright, and Ava awoke with a pit in her stomach.

The previous night, their last before everyone headed home, had been subdued. Beatrice had chosen not to hang out with the group – not that anyone could blame her after everything that went down yesterday – and the overall mood as Ava sat around the campfire for one last hoorah with Mary, Shannon, Camila, and Lilith had felt very much like an ending.

Ava lay in bed, flat on her back, staring idly at the ceiling as she reflected on the events of the past week – wondering how so much could have happened in such a short span of time.

What a fucking trip.

To think that just six days ago she thought she was on her way to getting her life together; to fixing all of her messed up relationships with her friends and winning back the love of her life with her newfound mindset of valuing the important things and her need for belonging. To finally feeling like she was home again. But, somehow along the way she had managed to royally screw up the relationship she valued the most, indirectly cause a breakup, and trigger an overwhelming amount of tension within her friend group.

God, she really was naïve, wasn’t she?

Well, Ava supposed it was like Mary had said back on their very first night here: the week certainly hadn’t been boring.

When you move to DC, maybe then we can figure this out.

We can figure everything out.

Beatrice’s last words to her yesterday played through Ava’s mind on a loop. She wouldn’t be forgetting any time soon the way Beatrice had looked at her, had touched her, had smiled at her – had seen her.

It sparked a flame of hope deep in Ava’s chest.

The only problem was…Ava wouldn’t be moving to DC until May, when Shannon graduated from law school. That was eight months away.

Eight whole months without Beatrice.

Eight whole months without seeing Beatrice’s smile or getting to hold her hand. Eight whole months without feeling the warmth of Beatrice’s gaze or existing in Beatrice’s orbit. Eight whole months without knowing what thoughts were running through Beatrice’s head or getting to tell Beatrice how much she cared about her.

Ava burrowed further under the covers, as if she could hide away from the reality of her situation.

She would wait, of course. She would wait and wait and wait for however long it would take for Beatrice to be ready.

Beatrice was worth waiting forever for.

But…that notion didn’t make the idea of an eight-month separation any easier to cope with.

Ava could’ve easily stayed in bed for another hour, if not for her growling stomach and the aching pressure in her temples that she knew could easily be remedied with some caffeine. Sighing dramatically, she flung the covers off herself, pulled a t-shirt on over her sports bra, and made her way downstairs.

Mary, Shannon, Lilith, and Camila were already in the kitchen when Ava waked in – huddled around the island, cups of coffee steaming in front of each of them while deep in quiet conversation.

“I sure hope you saved some coffee for the rest of us.” Ava said loudly to announce her arrival. She watched in amusement as each head slowly turned to look at her, all of her friends sporting different expressions on their faces. The sudden hush that fell across the kitchen made it pretty obvious whom the topic of conversation had just been about. Ava felt her sullen mood drop even further. They all looked so…concerned.

“Ava!” Camila was the one who broke the silence, mustering up a warm smile for her. “Good morning, how’d you sleep?”

“Fine…” Ava said with a half-hearted shrug as she looked around the group suspiciously. She noticed there seemed to be an unusual lack of eye contact in her direction. Shannon’s eyes were on the ceiling as she bit at her nails, Lilith was adamantly staring out the window, and Mary was focused on stirring her coffee like her life depended on it. “All right, what’s going on?”

Shannon sighed, glancing uneasily in Ava’s direction. “Come sit down.” She waved Ava over to an open stool at the island, then busied herself with getting Ava a cup of coffee. “Are you hungry? Camila and I made muffins this morning.” Shannon said while pouring an unhealthy amount of creamer into Ava’s mug, just the way she liked it.

Ava fiddled with the coffee cup Shannon set down on the counter in front of her. She took a sip, giving herself a moment to appreciate the simple things, before she turned to Mary and Lilith, her eyebrows raised.

“Don’t bullshit me,” Ava said. “You’re all acting weird. Like, a lot weirder than normal. What’s the matter?”

Mary and Lilith exchanged a glance, like they were having a silent conversation with just their eyes. It was Mary who finally worked up the nerve to break the news to Ava.

“Look, Ava…I hate to tell you this, but Beatrice left. Early this morning. She’s…gone.”

Ava frowned as her sluggish brain tried to process this information. “What, why?” She looked at Lilith and Camila. “I thought she was flying out with you on the red eye tonight?” Ava may be a little sleep deprived, but she was sure that she hadn’t gotten Beatrice’s flight wrong. They were all supposed to leave for the airport together much later that evening.

“She was originally, but…” Camila wrung her hands nervously in front of her.

“Beatrice decided last night that she couldn’t be here anymore.” Lilith explained. Ava hated the pity in the looks Lilith and Camila were giving her. “She changed her flight to the first one out this morning.”

“Oh.” Ava dropped her eyes to the countertop. She ran her fingers over the smooth marble while her heart clenched unpleasantly. She didn’t feel even remotely hungry anymore. “Oh.”

Beatrice was gone.

She was gone, and Ava hadn’t even gotten the chance to say goodbye.

Mary walked to Ava’s side of the island and squeezed Ava’s shoulder sympathetically. “If it makes you feel any better, she didn’t say goodbye to me and Shannon either.” Mary said softly.

“You think that it would.” Ava choked out, and she was alarmed to find that she was suddenly on the verge of tears – the pressure building up behind her eyelids, her nose burning.

Ava dropped her head onto the island counter, pressing her cheek into the cool marble while she tried to control the sudden wave of emotion that overtook her. She knew that today was the last day she would see Beatrice for a while, but she thought she would’ve at least been able to talk to her one more time; been able to tell her again how much she cared and how much she would miss her. Been able to smile at her one last time and make promises that she knew she was adamant on keeping. Been able to work out the ground rules Beatrice wanted to put into place for her time and space away from Ava.

But now, Beatrice was gone.

And Ava felt her heart break all over again.

It was quiet in the kitchen – as if none of Ava’s friends could find any words that could ease the haunted look out of Ava’s eyes or the heavy ache that found a home in Ava’s chest.

The silence was tentatively broken as Camila slid a sheet of paper across the island; folded in half, creamy white, Ava’s name printed across the top of the page in an elegant scrawl that Ava would recognize anywhere. “She wrote this for you. And asked me to give it to you to read when you’re ready.” Camila said gently.

Ava stared hard at the letter, a strange sense of foreboding stirring in her gut. She reached out a shaky hand and drew the letter closer, her eyes tracing the smooth angles of her name.

“Did you look at it?” Ava whispered, her voice cracking slightly.

Camila shook her head. “No. It’s just for you.”

“We can be right here for you while you read it.” Mary offered.

Ava clutched the letter to her chest, closing her eyes and breathing in, as if she could still smell Beatrice’s warm scent in the pages. “No,” Ava said, her eyes flickering briefly to Mary as she smiled in gratitude. “Thank you, but – I think this is something I need to do myself.”

Ava stood up from her spot at the island, the letter held reverently in her fingertips. She turned to head out to the back porch but paused as Mary gripped her shoulder.

“No matter what it says, Ava,” Mary said, “We’ve got your back. Always.”

Ava felt warmth seep through her at Mary’s words. She pulled Mary into a quick hug, so incredibly grateful for her friendship.

“Well,” Ava said once she released Mary. She looked around at all of her friends, each of whom nodded or smiled at her in encouragement. “Wish me luck, okay?”

“It’s gonna be just fine.” Mary promised her. Ava sent her once last smile before she made her way out the back door and onto the porch, coffee mug in one hand and Beatrice’s letter in the other.

She went to the porch swing at the end of the deck. She set her mug on the porch railing before dropping heavily onto the swing, pushing with her toes to gently rock back and forth. It had only been a few nights ago that she had found herself here with Beatrice at her side, sharing drags from a cigarette and talking about finding their homes. Ava would’ve given anything to have Beatrice by her side again now – holding her hand, telling her it was all going to be okay.

Ava looked down at the letter in her hands. Her fingers traced over her name on the front. She took a deep breath, then opened it and began to read.

Ava,

How do I even begin to explain to you everything I’m feeling? How do I even begin to put into words all of the ways that you have changed me? Because you have, Ava. You have changed me, in all of the best ways.

I think I was meant to know you. I was meant to find you and to open up to you and to give myself to you. I was meant to love you.

Always meant to love you.

On Thursday I asked you what you wanted – you said you just wanted me. And I’m so relieved that you didn’t ask me what I wanted because anything I would have said in that moment would’ve been a lie. Because I couldn’t tell you that I wanted you, too.

But I do, Ava.

I’ve wanted you since we were sixteen and just figuring out what love was.

I’ve wanted you every day since.

Even when you didn’t want me.

Even when you were lost on the other side of the world.

Even when I thought I wanted someone else.

It’s always been you.

I’m not sure what to do now – not sure how to move forward, how to find a way to be happy again. But, however I go about doing that, it’s something I need to figure out on my own.

I meant what I said yesterday. Maybe we can reach a point where we can try again. Maybe there is still hope for us after all. Until then, know this: I see you.

And I’ll see you again.

You said you want to build something permanent.

Me too.

I really hope you meant it.

Love, Bea

The letter ended as suddenly as it had started. Ava could only stare at the pages, taking Beatrice’s words in over and over again until they swam before her, taking on a life of their own – twisting around Ava’s brain, burrowing under her skin, stitching themselves into the seams of her heart.

And it hurt. God, it hurt.

But it also felt hopeful.

Because here was written proof that Beatrice cared. That Beatrice wanted the same things she did. That Beatrice wasn’t gone for good.

All that was left to do was wait.

And she would.

(Ava wasn’t sure how long she sat out on the porch swing, but by the time she went inside to find her friends, her coffee had long since gone cold).

-

One Week Later

Beatrice thought that returning to her small apartment in DC would be comforting – would feel like home.

It wasn’t.

It didn’t.

Home was a warm smile and brown eyes and 450 miles away.

-

Two Weeks Later

Ava opened her texting thread with Beatrice every morning, first thing. Hoping against hope that her last messages – the ones she had sent before leaving the lake house – wouldn’t be the only thing staring back up at her.

Ava [10:17 am]: Thank you. For the letter.

Ava [10:17 am]: I meant it.

Ava [10:18 am]: I hope you’re able to find whatever it is you’re looking for.

Ava [10:21 am]: And when you’re ready, give me a call. I’ll be right here waiting for you.

There was never a response, just like she knew there wouldn’t be.

But she was still disappointed every time.

She started just turning her phone off all together. The complete silence that followed almost made it hurt less.

-

Three Weeks Later

Beatrice had a spot at the bar two blocks over now – a stool in the corner that was reserved just for her every night. Joel, the bartender, had her gin and tonic already poured and ready for her upon her arrival in the evenings after work.

Beatrice accepted it each time. She pretended she couldn’t see the pity in his eyes.

-

Four Weeks Later

At one point in time, Ava had really liked her job. She liked the direction the biotech company was heading in and feeling like she was contributing to scientific discovery. She liked the sense of accomplishment she would get after completing projects and seeing the way her work contributed to the growth of the company.

But lately, she found that meeting her work goals meant a lot less to her when she had no one to share that feeling with.

Sometimes, a job is just a job.

She couldn’t really see the point of this one anymore.

-

Five Weeks Later

Weekends for Beatrice had always been about exploring – going on hikes, checking out new bookstores, finding the best hole-in-the-wall coffee shops that the city had to offer, experiencing the buzz of the world around her.

But that was before.

She didn’t bother to leave her apartment on weekends anymore.

-

Six Weeks Later

Ava sighed as she climbed the steps out of the Davis Square red line T-stop, squinting up at the sky against the falling rain, cursing herself for forgetting to bring an umbrella with her when she left for work that morning. Why she always failed to remember to check the weather report before leaving her home, she would never know. Ava pulled her jacket tighter around herself and bowed her head as she stepped out onto the street, resigning herself to getting soaked as she walked the familiar path back to her apartment.

Her day had been pretty shit so far, to say the least. She was behind on one of her projects and her boss had given her an earful about it at their marketing team meeting that morning. At lunch, her coworker had bumped into her as she was walking back to her desk from the kitchen, resulting in her just-heated bowl of minestrone spilling all over the floor (and her favorite pair of work shoes). Then later in the afternoon, she found out she wouldn’t be getting that raise she had been expecting due to her “not showing enough leadership initiative” on her team, even though Ava had spearheaded more projects than her team member Rob, who was getting a raise – he was just much more vocal about his contributions than Ava was, who tended to be more modest when it came to taking credit for her accomplishments (though Ava had a strong suspicion it had to do with Rob being a man more than anything).

And to top it all off, Mary and Shannon had left that morning for a weekend lover’s getaway in Maine, so Ava couldn’t even go home and be comforted by her best friends. She couldn’t even call Beatrice to complain about how bad her day had been like she normally would – because Beatrice had asked for space and Ava had promised her she would wait, even though six weeks had gone by since the lake house and Beatrice still hadn’t reached out. Ava could feel herself going crazier and crazier with every day that passed, but somehow, she always managed to restrain herself from making that call like she so desperately wanted to.

When she wasn’t paying attention, Ava splashed into a particularly large puddle, her socks soaking straight through. Ava groaned at her continued misfortune – she didn’t miss the irony that it was pouring rain after the day she was having.

Well, at least it was Friday.

Ava rounded the corner onto her street, simultaneously swinging her backpack to her front so she could dig her keys out of the side pocket. She managed to dodge the spray of rainwater as a car drove through a puddle next to the sidewalk she was on and sighed in relief as her apartment finally came into view – the small, yellow townhouse at the end of the street in which her, Shannon, and Mary rented the two-bedroom unit on the third floor. Ava was already picturing herself getting inside, locking the door, stripping out of her wet clothes, and putting on her comfiest sweats before huddling under blankets on the couch and watching tv while she decided on what to order for dinner. Maybe she’d even FaceTime Camila and Lilith to keep her company while she waited for her Uber Eats delivery.

Those plans, however, were derailed immediately as she spotted the figure that was currently huddled on her front porch.

A figure that Ava would recognize anywhere, even on a cold, rainy Friday evening in Boston where said figure definitely should not be.

“…Beatrice?”

Ava’s feet froze on the sidewalk uncertainly, her keys slipping through her fingers and clattering to the ground, her brain whirring to catch up as Beatrice looked up at the sound of her voice.

Beatrice sat before her on her front steps, the overhang of the porch just protecting her from the downpour. Her arms were wrapped snuggly around her drawn-up knees, her hair pulled back into a loose bun, a small backpack resting on the porch beside her. She was shivering slightly, the soft hoodie she was wearing clearly doing little to protect her from the current elements – Ava figured she must have walked a bit of a distance to get to the apartment, considering how damp and cold she looked. Loose strands of her hair hung limply around her face, but her eyes were bright and clear – that honey brown that was Ava’s most favorite color in the world. Ava had to blink multiple times to make sure that she wasn’t hallucinating.

“Hi.”

Beatrice’s soft voice was barely audible over the rain.

Ava opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She was so confused. Beatrice was here – in Boston – sitting on her front porch, staring right at her.

It had been six weeks since they last spoke at the lake house.

Six weeks of radio silence between them.

Six weeks of not knowing what Beatrice was up to or what thoughts had been going through her head.

And now Beatrice was just…here.

At Ava’s apartment.

Staring straight at her.

“Hi,” Ava finally managed. “I – hi.”

Beatrice stood up, her arms folding across her chest. She walked the few steps down the porch until she stood a foot away from Ava, the loose hairs that framed her face sticking to her cheeks as the rain continued to pour down around them. She didn’t seem bothered even a bit by the rain, and Ava had to physically restrain herself from reaching out and tucking her hair behind her ears.

“Hi,” Beatrice said again, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

Ava mimicked Beatrice’s stance, crossing her arms and holding herself tightly, her body humming in nervous energy. “What are you doing here, Bea?” She whispered.

Beatrice reached a shaky hand out, her thumb brushing away a raindrop that was clinging to Ava’s cheek. Ava shuddered at her touch, her eyes closing briefly against her will. When she opened them, Beatrice was staring at her with an intensity that Ava could feel all the way to the tips of her toes.

“I can’t sleep.” Beatrice breathed. Ava couldn’t tear her gaze away from Beatrice’s. “I can’t sleep, and I can’t eat. I haven’t read a book in weeks or visited any of my favorite hiking trails. I have lost every sparring match I’ve had with Lilith and every board game I’ve played with Camila since the lake house. My boss forced me to take a leave of absence from work and see a therapist because she thought I was cracking under the stress of my job. I’ve been driving everywhere in silence because the thought of putting on music makes me sick to my stomach and even coffee from my favorite cafes doesn’t taste the same anymore.”

Beatrice huffed, breaking eye contact as she looked down at her feet, letting out a small laugh as she shook her head in exasperation.

“And just last week, I almost adopted a ten-month old golden retriever puppy because it smiled at me and all I could think of was you.”

When Beatrice finally looked back up, her eyes were misty (and not from the rain).

(Ava reckoned hers looked the same way).

“Ava,” Beatrice’s voice broke on her name. She blinked, raindrops clinging to her eyelashes, the smattering of freckles across her nose barely visible as the mist painted her skin.

She was beautiful.

Ethereal.

Ava could only bask in her glow.

“My world is empty without you, Ava. Colorless.” Beatrice’s admission hung in the air between them, and Ava was left breathless. “Everything has been dark – like even the sun has felt your absence.”

Beatrice’s lip quivered. Ava reached out to catch the single tear that managed to escape from the corner of her eye. Beatrice exhaled softly at the touch; her breath warm against the back of Ava’s hand. Ava caressed her cheek gently with her thumb before pulling away again.

“I saved all of your voicemails, you know. Every single one.” Beatrice whispered. “And I’d listen to them, over and over again, when missing you became unbearable. Just to hear your voice. Just to know you’re real.”

“I wanted to call.” Ava said. “Every day since the lake house, I wanted to call. I just didn’t think you wanted me to.”

Beatrice nodded. Ava knew that she understood.

“I asked for space. And for time. You gave me both.”

“I’d give you anything you ask for.”

Beatrice’s lips turned up in the ghost of a smile. “Well, maybe space and time isn’t what I want anymore.”

Ava closed her eyes, letting out a shaky breath. Her sodden jacket hung heavy on her shoulders, her hair was plastered to her skin – yet she could barely feel the cold. One of Beatrice’s hands slipped into hers, their fingers tangling together immediately out of habit – like they belonged together, warm and safe and secure. When Ava opened her eyes again, Beatrice was a step closer than she had been before, her face just a few inches away from Ava as she stared down at her – and Ava was suddenly brought back to six years ago, to another rainy night in Boston that had been remarkably similar to this.

“What do you want, Beatrice?” Ava asked her.

The tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you went unsaid, but Ava knew that Beatrice got the message anyway.

Beatrice’s grip on her hand tightened, her other hand coming up to cup Ava’s jaw, her thumb skimming across her cheekbone – so gently it felt like a prayer.

“You, Ava.” Beatrice breathed. “I just want you. You’re my home, Ava. You’re the only home I’ve ever had, and all I want now is to come home.”

Ava sniffled as her vision blurred, and she was crying before she could stop it. Beatrice’s thumb brushed her tears away as her forehead came to rest against Ava’s. The memory of their moment on the gondola flashed through her mind and her head reeled as she realized things had truly and completely come full circle. Hearing Beatrice say those words, knowing that she wanted Ava just as much as Ava wanted Beatrice, Ava could’ve died right then and there, and she would’ve known peace.

“I’ve spent my whole life looking for a home.” Ava finally said, her voice coming out surprisingly strong and steady as Beatrice held her. The words came easily, like they had been on the tip of her tongue, just waiting for the right opportunity to be said. “I thought I’d have to travel the whole world in order to find it. But it’s been right in front of me this whole time.”

Ava pulled back so that she could look into Beatrice’s eyes, hoping against all hope that Beatrice could see in her everything that she was trying to say.

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to figure that out.” Ava finally reached out and gently tucked the loose strands of Beatrice’s hair behind her ear, her fingers skimming Beatrice’s earlobe as they passed.

“Beatrice, you’re my home too.”

Beatrice’s throat bobbed as she swallowed, her eyes searching Ava’s face, a desperation that Ava couldn’t quite read.

“Promise me, Ava.” Beatrice said, her eyes closing again as if she couldn’t bear to look at Ava any longer. “Promise me that you mean it. Promise me that you’re in this – that there’s no going back.”

Ava took a deep breath and held her head up high as she waited for Beatrice to look at her again. When Beatrice finally did, and their eyes met, Ava tried to pour everything she could into her gaze, sending a prayer up above that Beatrice could hear the truth in her voice and in her touch and in her essence.

“I promise. I promise I’m not going anywhere. I promise I am in this with you until the end, for as long as you want me. I am all yours for the taking, Bea. I always have been.” Her hands slid up Beatrice’s arms, up her shoulders, and came to rest on the back of her neck, her nails scratching softly at Beatrice’s skin, watching as Beatrice eased into her touch, arched into it. Then she said it again, because she knew that Beatrice needed to hear it.

“You’re my home, too.”

And then Beatrice was kissing her.

And nothing else mattered anymore.

It didn’t matter that it was cold and raining and that Ava’s work laptop was in serious danger of water damage where it rested in her backpack that definitely wasn’t waterproof. It didn’t matter that her and Beatrice hadn’t spoken in six weeks and that their respective apartments were six states away. It didn’t matter that it had taken so long for them to come back to each other or that they still had years of mistakes to iron out. It didn’t matter that nothing about their story was perfect or that they had wasted so much time fighting what had always been inevitable.

They were Beatrice and Ava and they were home together.

(They could forget the rest).

-

When Ava woke up the next morning in her bed with Beatrice curled around her, she felt light.

The previous night flashed into her memory like a movie, and Ava had to bury her face into her pillow to hide the delighted laugh that threatened to spill from her lips.

After their kiss in the rain, it had been a desperate dash to get into the apartment and up the three flights of steps to Ava’s unit as quickly as possible without breaking apart from each other for more than fleeting moments. Once Ava had managed to wrench the door open after impatiently fumbling around with her keys, their clothes had all but been discarded haphazardly – flung to different corners of the living room in their haste to be as physically close to each other as possible (and Ava was suddenly thrilled that Mary and Shannon had chosen this weekend to be out of town).

And everything that came after that – came easy.

It wasn’t even about the sex or the orgasms after orgasms after orgasms. It was about the way Beatrice was opened before her in all of her wonderous glory; an outpouring of love and affection and light that Ava thanked the heavens over and over again that she got to bask in it. It was the way that Beatrice had worshipped her – with her hands and her mouth and her eyes and her words. The way she had etched love letters into every inch of Ava’s skin until Ava couldn’t tell where she ended and Beatrice began. It was the way that Beatrice had looked at her with such reverence, such forgiveness, even though they still had so much to talk about in moving forward. It was the way that Beatrice had been right – this, her and Beatrice together, was very much like coming home.

Now, cuddled in Ava’s bed, drowning in the afterglow – Ava felt light.

She rolled over, careful not to jostle the girl beside her, until Ava was face to face with Beatrice. Beatrice in the morning had always been a sight to see – her face was smooth and calm, lips slightly parted as she breathed a slow, steady rhythm. Ava’s eyes traced over every inch of her face, from the space between her eyebrows, to the slant of her nose, to the smattering of freckles dusted across her cheeks – she recommitted it all to memory. Ava’s hand reached out on its own accord, tracing a finger gently – so gently – from Beatrice’s forehead, down the side of her cheek, to her jaw, marveling at the soft warm skin beneath her fingertips and the fact that she was so incredibly lucky enough to have Beatrice like this. To even have Beatrice here with her in the first place.

Beatrice’s eyelids fluttered at Ava’s touch, and blinked open slowly as Beatrice woke up, a smile tugging at her lips as she blearily found Ava nose to nose with her.

“Good morning,” Ava said, her hand continuing its downward exploration of Beatrice’s body, trailing down her smooth shoulder, down her forearm, and coming to rest on her waist. Her fingers danced smooth circles over the t-shirt Beatrice had borrowed from Ava and had worn to bed. Beams of sunlight streamed in through the window curtains, bathing Ava and Beatrice in its soft morning glow, and Ava figured it must be a sign from God that even the weather was satisfied with their reunion.

Beatrice hummed as she nuzzled her nose softly against Ava’s cheek, her own hands wrapping around Ava to pull her in closer.

“Good morning,” Beatrice mumbled sleepily, pressing gentle kisses along Ava’s jaw, down her neck, to the hollow of her throat. “You’re beautiful.” She murmured against Ava’s skin, and Ava’s cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.

This, she thought, is what they must mean when they talk about heaven.

“You know,” Ava closed her eyes as Beatrice continued pressing her lips against the available surfaces of Ava’s skin – along her cheeks, across her eyelids, the tip of her nose. “Last night was the best night’s sleep I’ve gotten in literal months.”

Beatrice pulled back, smiling softly as she tucked a loose strand of Ava’s hair behind her ear. “I’d have to agree with that.” Her fingers lingered gently in Ava’s space, ghosting against her earlobe before trailing across her cheek and tracing her lips, as if Beatrice was mapping out all of the planes of Ava’s anatomy.

“Are you happy?” Beatrice asked.

Ava couldn’t hold back her dopey smile. “This is easily the happiest I’ve been in a really long time.” Ava’s hand slipped under Beatrice’s shirt so that she could continue to trace little circles on the bare skin of her hip. Beatrice closed her eyes at the contact, huffing out a shuddering breath, content.

“I’d have to agree with that, too.”

Ava beamed. “You know what else?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.” Ava said, simple and honest – like it was the easiest thing in the world.

Beatrice’s eyes opened again, her gaze finding Ava’s, and she let out a breathy laugh before leaning forward and finally catching Ava’s lips in a searing kiss. “Yes, Ava, you made that very clear last night.” Beatrice’s eyes danced in amusement. “You tend to be awfully mouthy whenever I have my fingers inside y–”.

Ava pressed her hand against Beatrice’s mouth before she could finish that sentence, ducking her face into Beatrice’s neck as she laughed.

“Beatrice!” Ava could feel the flush spread across her chest and all the way up to the tips of her ears. “That’s blasphemous.”

Beatrice’s throaty chuckle echoed deliciously close to Ava’s ear. “Oh, so now you choose to be shy?”

Ava pouted. “And you choose now to ruin a perfectly sweet moment?”

Beatrice’s fingers scratched at the back of Ava’s head, threading soothingly through her hair. “What can I say? You bring out the worst in me.”

Ava scoffed indignantly. “I don’t believe that for a second.”

Beatrice’s gaze was so impossibly soft when Ava resurfaced from the comfort of her neck.

“Yeah, I don’t really believe that, either.”

Ava wanted to kiss her right then and there.

So, she did.

Just because she could.

When they broke apart again, Ava bit at her lip uncertainly. Because while it was clear as day how Beatrice felt about her, she still needed to hear it.

After everything that has happened between them, she needed to hear it.

“I love you, Beatrice. I always have. I always will.” Ava had once said as they were suspended in a gondola over the Tahoe mountains.

And Beatrice had looked broken as she replied, “I don’t want to love you anymore.”

“I love you, Bea.” Teresa had once said after an impromptu living room dance party.

Ava could so clearly remember the fear she had experienced right before the intense relief when Beatrice never said it back.

“Teresa was kind to me, Ava.” Beatrice had once said as they sat together at the end of the dock. “But she wasn’t you. She could never be you. And I think I’ve always known that.”

Ava couldn’t help thinking that that moment marked the end of one relationship and the beginning of another.

“I’ve wanted you since we were sixteen and just figuring out what love was. I’ve wanted you every day since.” Beatrice had once written in a letter addressed to Ava – one that now sat tucked away carefully in Ava’s bedside table; the creases so fragile from constant unfolding and refolding that it was a miracle the pages were still wholly pieced together.

“What do you want, Beatrice?” Ava had once asked, just last night before everything changed. Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.

“You, Ava.” Beatrice had breathed back. “I just want you. You’re my home, Ava.”

“You’re my home, too”

“Beatrice,” Ava started, and Beatrice’s eyebrows furrowed at the sudden change in tone. Their past words to each other were like an echo from some long-forgotten lifetime, but the ghost of their presence had wormed their way into the depths of Ava’s brain – taken root and sprouted into an entire network; a map of her and Beatrice and their existence together.

“Yes?”

“Say it back.” Ava whispered. Begged. “Please? I just – I need to hear you say it back.”

Beatrice’s gaze bored into her, searching her face. Her expression was serious, but there was a tenderness in her eyes – an understanding – so sharp and so sweet that it took Ava’s breath away. Her hands came up to cup Ava’s face, her thumbs stroking along Ava’s jaw.

“Ava?”

“Yes?”

Beatrice’s lips brushed against her own, just for the briefest moment, before her forehead came to rest against Ava’s, a smile tugging at her lips, her hands warm as they cradled Ava’s cheeks.

And Ava had no doubt. It poured out of Beatrice in waves. She wondered how she had ever failed to see it.

Love.

Safety.

Home.

“I love you, too.”

And Ava felt light.

Chapter Text

Three Months Later

Ava paced back and forth in front of her desk, muttering sharply under her breath, wringing her hands impatiently as the seconds continued to tick by.

“What,” She snapped, “is the point of setting a deadline if people fail to meet it? 4pm means 4pm. Not 4:05pm – and certainly not 4:23! God, the incompetence!”

“Ava, babe, relax. You still have time.” Louise, Ava’s coworker, said from her desk across from Ava’s where she was tracking Ava pace the length of their open office space with a bemused expression.

“I was supposed to be on the train home by now.” Ava said, frustration oozing out of her in waves. “This proposal was supposed to be in for me to submit already. But fucking John just can’t ever do his job right and I still have to get ready for tonight and now I’m going to be so late and Beatrice is going to kill me!”

Louise held back a snort of laughter as Ava rambled. “Oh please, you have Beatrice wrapped so tightly around your fingers I’m surprised she hasn’t permanently fused with you by now.” Ava spared her an affronted glance but smiled despite herself. Because, yeah, Louise kind of had a point there. “Just take a breath. The world won’t end if you’re a little bit late.”

Ava sighed in defeat as she plopped herself back down in her desk chair, refreshing her inbox for the twelfth time in the last minute. Still no proposal.

“Why do men ruin everything?” She pouted.

“Amen to that, sister.”

Ava peered over the top of her monitor at Louise, who was busy finishing the last of her paperwork before calling it quits for the day.

“Speaking of, how did your Hinge date with Sarah go last night? You have yet to mention it.” Ava inquired. The fact that Louise hadn’t given Ava the play-by-play already was quite unlike her.

It was Louise’s turn to groan in frustration. “Horribly, Ava. It went so, so horribly. First off, she was thirty-seven minutes late. Then, when she finally felt like showing up and gracing me with her presence, she asked if we could just skip dinner and go back to her place for a threesome with her husband. As it turns out, she’s married and just trying to spice up her sex life. Yet, never once did she bother reveling that bit of information to me in the three weeks that we’ve been texting!”

“Oof,” Ava grimaced, scrunching her nose up in sympathy.

Louise rested her forehead against her desk dramatically. “Why is it so difficult to find a single, gay woman to date in this city? All I want is a girl who is nice, and normal, and – and boring even! She doesn’t have to be anything fancy! She doesn’t have to have any big dreams or aspirations! I just want someone who I can wake up in the mornings with and make coffee for and go to the grocery store with and argue over what to watch on Netflix even though we shouldn’t even bother because whatever we watch will probably just get cancelled anyways. Is that too much to ask for, Ava? IS IT?”

Ava’s eyes widened in alarm as Louise’s little rant became more and more unhinged. But she had to laugh because it was the type of rant Ava would normally be the one giving – and Ava secretly loved the way her mannerisms tended to rub off on other people.

It had only been a little over a month since they had met back on Ava’s first day at the company, but they had become fast friends – which is what tended to happen when two queer women found each other out in the wild; especially when “the wild” was the male dominated tech industry. Their company was small – still just a startup – developing a digitalized health platform for patients with neurodegenerative diseases. When Ava had announced her intentions to move to DC before leaving her old company, her former manager had reached out to who was now her current manager to recommend her for a position as a digital marketing director – a position which she now had. It had all happened very quickly. Ava still wasn’t sure how she had been so lucky to not only land a decent-paying job in DC so fast, but to have that job also be one that she liked, too.

Louise, the company’s social media manager, had brought Ava onto one of her projects immediately, where she used Ava’s experience with website design to delve into streamlining the startup’s website and linking up with high profile companies for more exposure. So, Ava didn’t just dip her toes in upon starting her new job, but rather dove in headfirst, made her impact, and had somehow garnered more trust and respect from her employers and coworkers than she truly felt she deserved after just a month in her position.

And while things at work and her blossoming friendship with Louise were going rather swimmingly, it was but only one of the reasons that Ava had been so happy since she moved from Boston to DC.

It hadn’t even been a question that Ava would be moving in with Beatrice once she had wrapped up her life in Boston. After their big reunion a few months ago, Ava had simply asked Beatrice how soon she could move in and if Beatrice would be willing to help her drive the U-Haul – and that had been that. One month later, Ava had finished up everything at her old job, had found a sublet to take over her old bedroom in Mary and Shannon’s apartment in Somerville (Yasmine was her name and she was awesome – Ava had almost been disappointed to be leaving because she knew from the first time meeting her that they would’ve gotten along famously), and had packed up her old life in boxes – more than ready to start everything that was to come next.

Ava and Beatrice fell back into living together like they had never stopped – like all of the spaces Ava used to occupy in Beatrice’s life were still there, just waiting for her to come home to. Ava’s clothes filled half the closet and her toothbrush was nestled in the cup on the sink in the bathroom next to Beatrice’s, Ava’s books were mixed into the bookshelf in the living room and her collection of artwork adorned the walls, Ava’s jackets took up space on the coatrack and her plants were scattered in every open nook and cranny – and though they were two separate people, their home felt very much like a single entity.

And Ava loved it.

“You’re lucky Ava; you better hold on tight to Beatrice and never her let go. She’s a good one.”

Ava smiled to herself – because Louise really had no idea.

Louise let out a long, melodramatic sigh. “I wish I didn’t have to rely on apps to drive my dating life and that I could just meet someone organically. At this point, I’d even take being setup with someone. Ava, you have, like, an entire arsenal of gay friends. If any of them happen to be single, for the love of God please send them my way I am begging.”

Ava laughed in amusement as she thought about her friend group and how lucky she was to have found herself surrounded by some of the most wonderful queer people she could ever have hoped to know. Sure, Lilith was often snarky and had long ago decided to take on a full-time position of messing with Ava, but Camila balanced her out, reeled her in, and always made sure Ava knew how much the couple truly loved and adored her. Sure, Mary always called Ava out for every idiotic moment she chose to display and could tease her until the cows came home, but Mary and Shannon together were Ava’s voice of reason, her mothers, the two people she knew she could go to with anything and find safety and comfort waiting for her. And sure, her history with Beatrice was long and intense and a little painful at times, but she was Ava’s guiding light, her heart, her home.

Ava wouldn’t have it any other way.

As Ava stared at her friend, thinking about what Louise had said about what she was looking for in a relationship and how she would be willing to be setup with someone, Ava had a sudden epiphany. A lightbulb moment. Maybe – just maybe – Ava could help Louise get lucky, too.

“Louise,” Ava said slowly, her mind racing at a mile a minute as she mulled this sudden burst of inspiration over. “Why don’t you come with me tonight?”

Louise looked up at her, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What’s that now?”

“What if I told you I might – just might – know someone that will be there tonight that you could potentially hit it off with?”

“Are you serious?” Louise looked skeptical.

Ava worried at her lower lip. “Possibly? I mean, I’m not positive that she’s single or that she’ll even be there tonight, but if she is…I’d be happy to introduce you.”

Louise didn’t seem too convinced. “Don’t you need, like, a special invitation and an extensive background check to go to this thing? The FBI Annual Christmas Ball doesn’t sound like something just anyone can go to.” She pointed out.

Ava grinned, feeling Louise’s resolve already wavering. “Beatrice can get you in, no problem. She even has an extra gown you can wear! And even if this girl isn’t there, it’ll still be a really fun night. This is perfect, please say yes!”

“I don’t know, Ava.” Louise frowned. “Whoever this girl is, maybe it would be better to try to set me up with her on a night that isn’t her company’s holiday party…”

Ava prepared a counterargument, but before she could respond her email chimed – John having finally gotten his shit together by sending the finished proposal.

“It’s about fucking time.” Ava grumbled.

She looked the proposal over, making quick edits, her eyes narrowed in concentration as she tried not to look at the clock. She typed away like a mad woman – and if she didn’t go back to check her typos, that was no one’s business but her own.

“That’ll have to do.” Ava decided, just five minutes later. She attached the proposal to an email for her boss and sent it off without a second thought, deciding already that any issues with the proposal was a problem for Monday Ava.

“Ok,” Ava said, pushing away from her desk and haphazardly shoving her things into her backpack. “We gotta hurry if we’re gonna catch the next train. Then we’ll just have to get ready at lightning speed and we can still get to the venue reasonably on time.”

“I don’t recall having agreed to go to this thing.” Louise reminded her.

Ava cocked an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, do you have something better to do tonight?” Louise opened her mouth to argue, but shut it in defeat, shaking her head slightly. Ava smirked. “All right then, let’s go.”

-

Despite John failing miserably to submit his proposal on time, Ava managed to get to the venue only twenty minutes later than planned. Louise trailed uncertainly through the front doors behind her, having found her name already added to the guest list after Ava had made a quick call to her badass FBI girlfriend from the train.

Beatrice met them in the front hallway, looking unfairly good in her all-back jumpsuit, her dark hair cascading softly over her shoulders. Her honey brown eyes lit up as they locked with Ava’s, and all of Ava’s anxiety over being late melted away completely.

“Hey, you.” Beatrice greeted Ava enthusiastically, pulling her in for a quick kiss. Ava couldn’t help smiling into it. “You look absolutely beautiful.” She breathed in Ava’s ear, and Ava felt herself flush in pleasure. The navy-blue dress she was wearing was simple – short but classy and popping against the soft tones of her skin.

Ava beamed. “Beautiful doesn’t even begin to describe how you look right now, Bea.” Ava’s voice had grown husky, and she had to clear her throat to keep herself in check as Beatrice glowed at the compliment. She slipped her hand into Beatrice’s, marveling at the warmth of her skin. Even after so many years of dating Beatrice, Ava still reeled at the fact that she could hold Bea’s hand whenever she wanted to. “So sorry for being late. Fucking John, am I right?”

Beatrice chuckled, twining their fingers tighter together and bringing Ava’s hand up to press a gentle kiss to her knuckles. “Want me to sort him out for you? I happen to be a very accomplished martial artist.”

“As much as I’d love to watch you aikido him into submission,” Ava teased, “I’d rather you not get charged with a felony right before the holidays. The paperwork would be a nightmare.”

Beatrice hummed in response, her eyes dancing with amusement. “Fine, but he’s on thin fucking ice.”

Ava laughed, delighted at the easy rhythm her and Beatrice always seemed to fall into.

Beatrice cleared her throat and looked past Ava. “Nice to see you, Louise. You look quite lovely.”

Louise blushed slightly, smoothing a hand down the lavender floor-length gown she was wearing. “Thank you for letting me borrow this on such short notice, though I think this dress must have cost more than my car did. I’m a little afraid I’ll ruin it, to be honest.”

Beatrice waved a hand dismissively. “That was a gift from my mother. So, if anything were to happen to it, it’s all for the best really.” She said with a wink, and Louise’s shoulders visibly relaxed.

“So, shall we take advantage of the open bar then?” Ava asked, clapping her hands together enthusiastically.

Beatrice smiled. “Bar’s this way.” She tugged at Ava’s elbow, waving her other hand towards Louise to follow them. “Mary and Shannon are already over there waiting for us.”

Ava skipped alongside Beatrice excitedly. Mary and Shannon had just gotten into town late last night – they were staying with Camilla and Lilith for the holidays until Shannon had to get back to Boston for the start of her final semester of law school. Ava hadn’t had a chance to see the couple since she moved out of their apartment two months ago and she was thrilled that they had decided to visit DC for the duration of Shannon’s winter break.

As Beatrice led the way through throngs of other partygoers, she tilted her head close to Ava’s ear. “Are you going to explain to me why you invited Louise to my company holiday party so last minute? You were rather uninformative on that front when you called me earlier asking me to put her name on the guest list.”

Ava cast her girlfriend a devious smile. “Now, what would be the fun in that?”

Beatrice’s eyes narrowed. “You’re totally scheming something, aren’t you?”

Ava turned to her girlfriend, stopping them in their tracks. She reached out and placed a gentle hand against Beatrice’s cheek, stroking lightly against her smooth skin before cupping her jaw. “Do you trust me?” She asked. Beatrice’s entire face softened.

“You know I do.” There was no doubt behind her words.

Ava pressed up on her tiptoes and drew Beatrice into a soft, languid kiss.

It was Beatrice’s turn to smile into it.

Ava’s hand left Beatrice’s face as she dropped back onto her heels before slipping her fingers between Beatrice’s and giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “Then don’t worry about it. All will be revealed in due time.”

Beatrice rolled her eyes fondly. “You can be such a little gremlin sometimes, you know that?”

“Ah, yes, but I’m a little gremlin that you love.” Ava said cheekily.

“That’s debatable.” Beatrice teased, but she pressed a kiss to Ava’s temple anyways.

Louise cleared her throat awkwardly from where she still stood just slightly behind them – Ava and Beatrice having momentarily forgotten she was there – and Ava mouthed an apology to her friend as Beatrice tugged her back along through the venue.

The event hall they were in was beautiful; high ceilings with church-like windows and decked out in a tasteful Christmas décor. The back of the hall hosted a small stage where a live band was playing for a dance floor full of the FBI’s finest – all dressed to the nines – and the air was tinged with the joy of celebration. Ava loved everything about it.

As Beatrice led the way to the bar at one side of the venue, Ava’s eyes scanned the crowd. She knew Lilith and Camila were somewhere here already, probably having fun together in the middle of the dance floor, but there was another person Ava was hoping to spot amongst the crowd. If her half-formed plan had any hope of working…

God must’ve been on her side, because just then Ava saw her.

Just a few yards away, a woman was stepping out of from the packed dance floor from behind two well-dressed gentlemen. Ava’s heart thrummed in anticipation, but she steeled her nerve and quickly adjusted her group’s course of direction so that they had no choice but to run directly into –

“– Teresa!” Beatrice stuttered, coming to an abrupt halt as her and Ava almost careened right into the other woman. Beatrice’s grip on Ava’s hand was suddenly a lot tighter than it was a moment ago.

Teresa looked kind of amazing, bedecked in a gown of a deep maroon – the slit in the side doing a lot to accentuate her legs. Ava had forgotten how pretty Beatrice’s ex-girlfriend was and took a brief moment to be grateful that God had gifted Ava with plenty of self-esteem.

“Beatrice! Hi,” Teresa offered Beatrice a half smile, clearly startled by her and Ava’s sudden appearance. She didn’t look fully thrilled to have run into her ex, but there also didn’t seem to be too much animosity between them. From what Ava had gathered, Beatrice and Teresa had managed to remain civil and amicable after their breakup, though neither of them had made any efforts as of yet to restore the friendship they had had before they had started dating – Ava figured that her, Ava’s, constant presence in Beatrice’s life now may have something to do with that.

“I was wondering if I’d see you tonight.” Teresa said. Her gaze briefly flitted in Ava’s direction. “Ava*.”

(*Author’s Note: Please hear Teresa say “Ava” in the same tone Camila used to say “Father Vincent” in season 2 episode 8. Ok thanks that’s all back to the story.)

“Teresa!” Ava smiled widely, ignoring the way Beatrice tugged on her hand in alarm. “Hi! Hello! It’s so good to see you!”

Teresa was giving Ava an incredulous look – as if she didn’t think it was good to see Ava at all – while Beatrice’s extreme awkwardness was palpable. Ava, however, was no stranger to uncomfortable situations. Besides – she was on a mission here.

“Wow, I am actually so glad we ran into you. This kind of feels like fate.” Ava internally cringed at how pitchy her voice had gotten – Teresa’s expression of disdain as she took in Ava wasn’t exactly encouraging. But Ava had a plan, so she powered through anyways.

Ava eased her hand out of Beatrice’s death grip and turned to wrap an arm around Louise’s shoulders, pulling her in closer the little circle their group had formed. “Louise, meet Teresa! From accounting! This is Teresa from accounting! Beatrice’s ex-girlfriend!”

Ava said all of this very fast.

If looks could kill, Ava would be dead on the floor right now.

“Ava –” Beatrice tried to interject and take control of the situation, but Ava patted her on the arm reassuringly and continued with her introduction.

“Teresa, this is my coworker, Louise.”

“Nice to meet you?” Louise said hesitantly after Ava slapped her on the back enthusiastically.

“Likewise.” Teresa’s tone, though, suggested anything but.

Ava had to really work to keep her smile on her face and her nervous energy in check. “Teresa, are you still interested in photography? Because if I’m remembering correctly, you once told me that you had wanted to study photography.” Beatrice’s curious gaze was burning into the side of Ava’s head, but Ava didn’t turn to look at her.

“Oh,” Teresa defenses dropped for a moment. She looked taken aback by Ava’s question and the fact that Ava had even bothered to remember that little tidbit about her. “Um, yes, actually. I still do a bit of photography work in my free time.”

Ava buzzed at this information. Perfect. “That’s great!” She turned to Louise. “Louise and I work at this startup company that is developing this whole digitalized network for patients with neurodegenerative disorders. She’s the social media manager and has been spearheading this portfolio project for people and families impacted by Alzheimer’s disease and has been in the market for a photographer to collaborate with.”

Louise stared at Ava, clearly bewildered about why Ava was suddenly bringing up her work. Ava elbowed her in the side and gave her a knowing look. Realization at what Ava was doing seemed to wash over Louise, and she snapped back into the conversation.

“Yes!” Louise said, her voice a little squeaky. “Yes, I have had pretty bad luck with the artists I’ve talked to about the project. The last photographer I tried to work with, believe it or not, thought the portfolio would be stronger if the subjects were displayed ‘in the nude’. He said it would really ‘bare the souls’ of those affected by brain disease.”

Teresa looked dumbfounded at that tidbit. “And you didn’t jump at that opportunity?” Her voice was laced with sarcasm and Louise looked delighted at the quip.

“Call me crazy but I just couldn’t quite see his vision.”

“Hasn’t anyone told you that you should really trust the professionals?”

“This dude showed up to our business meeting wearing cargo shorts. Dare I say he lost all credibility after that.”

Ava watched the interaction with amusement as Louise pulled out her phone to show Teresa more information about the portfolio project. Teresa listened with curiosity as Louise explained what her and Ava’s company was about and the exposure they were hoping to get through the portfolio to help boost funding. Teresa appeared to be genuinely interested, and Ava gave herself a mental pat on the back.

“Right, well, my work here is done.” Ava said, though mostly to herself as they weren’t paying much attention to her anymore. “Beatrice and I are going to make our way to the bar, but you two feel free to carry on without us.”

Louise and Teresa didn’t even acknowledge as Ava led Beatrice away, being so engrossed with their conversation as they discussed possible backdrops and angles and what message they were trying to convey. Ava smirked to herself. It really was too easy sometimes – gay people could be so predictable.

Beatrice was still staring at Ava, completely bewildered by the evening’s turn of events, even as Ava took her hand and dragged her behind her until they finally got to the bar.

“Ava –” Beatrice started to say but was interrupted as Mary and Shannon came into view and they were suddenly surrounded in a hug puddle.

“Well, if it isn’t my two favorite little gays!” Mary said loudly, startling the group of partygoers that were next to them at the bar. Mary ignored their looks of astonishment as she threw an arm around Ava’s neck and held her in a chokehold while Shannon kissed both Ava and Beatrice on the cheek.

“Moms, stop, you’re embarrassing me!” Ava squealed as she fought to get out of Mary’s embrace, but Mary just laughed and pulled her in even tighter.

“I cannot believe how much I’ve missed you and all of your punk-ass nonsense.” Mary sighed, mussing up Ava’s hair before finally releasing her.

“Mary’s been doing an awful lot of moping around the apartment since you left.” Shannon said after pulling Ava in for a proper hug.

Mary looked affronted. “I do not mope.”

“Oh, she mopes.” Shannon whispered conspiratorially in Ava’s ear.

Ava beamed.

Wow she had missed Mary and Shannon.

“Can we please discuss what the fuck was going on over there.” Mary nodded towards where they could just see Louise and Teresa standing at the edge of the dance floor deep in conversation. “Figured the two of you would be looking to avoid the ex-girlfriend like the plague – not chatting her up in the middle of the dance floor.”

“Yes, let’s talk about that, Ava.” Beatrice said, raising her eyebrows at Ava. “What the hell was that?”

“Okay, look,” Ava began, trying not to cower under Beatrice’s stern gaze. Now appeared to be the right time to let Beatrice in on what she had been haphazardly planning since leaving the office earlier that afternoon. “I was talking to Louise earlier – my really awesome coworker –” She added for Mary and Shannon’s benefit. “– and she was telling me how difficult her dating life has been lately. She mentioned that all she wants is to find a nice, normal, boring queer girl that she can start a life with. So I just thought – why not bring her here and see if we can make some magic happen?”

Beatrice scoffed. “Hold on, let me get this straight – you heard ‘normal’ and ‘boring’ and immediately thought of my ex-girlfriend? Should I be offended by that?”

“Hey, I also said nice!” Ava pointed out.

Mary snorted into her drink. “How very generous of you.”

“I get wanting to play matchmaker for your friend.” Shannon said soothingly. “But why do you want to set her up with Teresa, of all people? I thought you didn’t like her?”

“That’s a bit of an understatement.” Mary snickered, and Ava slapped her on the arm indignantly.

“Who don’t we like?”

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Camila and Lilith, hand in hand, faces flushed and breathless from dancing.

“Oh, good. Lilith, you’ll get a kick out of this.” Mary smirked. “Guess who Ava is trying to set her coworker up with.” Mary nodded her head in the direction of Louise and Teresa – who were still standing together, laughing over some story Louise had just told. Lilith’s eyes widened as she spotted who Mary was referring to, and her jaw had dropped open as she turned back to the group.

“You’re joking.” She said at the same time Camila said “Oh, Ava.”

Ava pursed her lips as she found herself under the scrutiny of her entire friend group. “I know it sounds weird, but I can explain.”

“God I would love to see what goes on inside that head of yours sometimes.” Lilith said, almost wistfully. “I just know those last two little brain cells in there are trying so hard to keep you together.”

Ava pouted as Camila nudged her girlfriend. “Be nice.” She warned. Lilith sighed, but patted Ava gently on the head for Camila’s benefit.

“Look, I know I’m not Teresa’s biggest fan,” Ava leveled Mary with a look before she could interrupt with another snarky comment. “I just – I’ve been so happy lately, you know?” Ava smiled around at her friends. “It feels like everything has been going right for me these last few months and I finally feel – I don’t know – settled, I guess. Does that make sense?” Beatrice’s warm, encouraging smile was the only answer Ava needed in response to that. “But every time I think back to the lake house and the way things went down there, I just feel so…so –”

“Guilty?” Mary, Shannon, Camila, Lilith, and Beatrice somehow all said in unison.

“So fucking guilty.” Ava sighed dramatically. “I’ve actually lost sleep over it, you know.”

“Ava,” Beatrice placed a gentle hand on Ava’s cheek. “You don’t need to shoulder all of that yourself. I was just as much to blame for everything.”

Ava tilted her head, pressing slightly further into Beatrice’s caress. “I just feel bad that Teresa got so tangled up in our mess. She didn’t deserve all of that.” Ava chanced a glance behind her to where Louise and Teresa were still talking together. “I guess I figured if I could introduce Louise to Teresa and they ended up hitting it off – maybe I can get some repentance for my sins.”

“I think you might need to be drowned in holy water to truly be atoned.” Mary said. Beatrice raised an eyebrow at her, and Mary quickly added on “but this is a good start!”

“But Ava,” Shannon started. “You do realize that if Louise and Teresa get together…you’ll probably be seeing a lot more of Teresa?”

Ava grimaced. “The thought did occur to me, yes. But if things work out between them and she makes Louise happy – then whatever my personal feelings towards Teresa are really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

“Oh, how interesting.” Beatrice mused. “If Louise is dating Teresa, you can be happy for her. But when I was dating Teresa –”

“Those are two very different circumstances!” Ava interrupted, and Beatrice’s eyes danced with mirth as Ava pressed a kiss against her shoulder. “And I regret nothing, just so you know.”

Beatrice’s hand came to rest against Ava’s waist, warm and gentle. “I do have one regret, actually.” She looked so soft and loving as she took Ava in, and Ava buzzed in anticipation for the sweet words Beatrice would surely deliver. But then, the corners of Beatrice’s mouth pulled up as she smirked mischievously. “See, I should’ve started dating Teresa a lot sooner than I did, had I known it would make you get your shit together and come back to me.”

Ava gasped dramatically. “You all heard that, right?” She asked, peering around at her friend group. “See! That was direct proof that I’m not the only devious one in this relationship! Beatrice is just as, if not more, conniving as I am –”

“Oh, hush,” Beatrice said, pulling Ava in against her chest to muffle her.

“Yeah, yeah. You two are perfect for each other, we get it.” Lilith grumbled while Camila said, “I can’t wait to tell this story at their wedding.”

“You know what, this whole plan of yours is actually kind of smart, Ava.” Mary said thoughtfully.

Ava beamed at the praise. “It really is, thank you Mary. This is why you’re my favorite.” She said, while Lilith gaped in disbelief at Mary as if she couldn’t believe she had used ‘Ava’ and ‘smart’ in the same sentence.

Mary just shrugged at Lilith’s incredulity. “When you think about it, if Teresa does get with Louise, Ava will get to rub it in Teresa’s face over and over again that Beatrice picked her. That is some truly evil shit, right there – poor Teresa will never know peace again.”

Ava’s smile turned into a full-on pout as Lilith, Camila, and Shannon burst into laughter. Even Beatrice let out a little chuckle at that, though she tried to hide it by pressing her face into Ava’s hair.

“I take it back, Mary. You’re the fucking worst.”

“Love you too, baby girl.”

“Well, if you’re all done ‘harking on Ava’ for the evening, I think I’ll just leave you all here to be mean while I go dance with my super wonderful, beautiful girlfriend.” Ava declared, tugging at Beatrice’s hand to pull her away from the others.

“Aww no, don’t go. The fun was just getting started!” Lilith called after them.

“But ‘harking on Ava’ is one of my favorite activities!” Mary tacked on.

“Don’t forget to leave room for Jesus!” Shannon added.

Ava huffed at their friends’ antics, but she couldn’t help smiling when Beatrice’s laughter was ringing so harmoniously in her ears.

The couple maneuvered their way into the middle of the dance floor, where Ava didn’t hesitate to pull Beatrice in close – wrapping her arms around Beatrice’s neck and directing their soft swaying movements to the beat of the music the band was playing. Beatrice’s hands found a home on Ava’s lower back, and she pressed kisses to Ava’s temple as Ava rested her head on Beatrice’s shoulder. They fit together so well, sometimes Ava still found herself in complete awe of that.

“Does it bother you that I schemed to set your ex up with Louise?” Ava asked after they danced together for a few minutes in comfortable silence. Now that they had a moment to themselves, Ava wanted to make sure she hadn’t crossed any lines with Beatrice.

Beatrice smoothed the worried crease between Ava’s eyebrows with the pad of her thumb. “I think I’m more surprised than anything.”

“I swear I didn’t have any malicious intent when I thought about it. I just wanted to help my friend. And honestly, the more I consider the two of them together, the more it kind of makes sense. I think they’d actually complement each other quite nicely.”

Beatrice tilted her head. “Do you think you’ll be able to handle seeing Teresa around more if her and Louise do end up getting together?”

Ava met her girlfriend’s eyes and smiled. “I don’t hate Teresa, you know. Despite what everyone may think. She’s not a bad person by any means. She was just – she had you. To be fair, I wouldn’t have been okay with anyone having you. No matter who they were or how hard I tried to be.”

Beatrice hummed softly in response. “Even after she was mean to you on the houseboat?”

“Even after she was mean to me on the houseboat.” Ava nodded with a light laugh. “I kind of deserved all of that.”

“We didn’t handle things very well, did we?”

“Eh, we’re young. And a little dumb.” Ava admitted. “And love makes us do crazy things sometimes. All we can do now is try to be better, right?”

Beatrice pulled Ava in a little closer, her hands warm where they pressed against Ava’s back. “Do you want to know what I think?” Ava tilted her head in response. “I think it’s very sweet of you to want everyone to have a happy ending.”

Ava ducked her head at the praise. “That’s called character growth.”

“I’m proud of you.”

Ava could hear in her voice that she meant it.

When Ava met Beatrice’s honeyed gaze again, she found nothing but warmth and affection staring back at her. God, she loved her girlfriend.

“Do you have any idea how much I love you?” Ava asked, a soft smile tugging at her lips.

“I’m not sure…” Beatrice pretended to think it over. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much?”

“Like a solid 8.5.”

Beatrice gasped. “Ouch, only a B+?”

Ava laughed. “Just means there’s still room for improvement.”

“You are such a dork.” Beatrice said fondly.

“…But?”

Beatrice’s resounding sigh was music to Ava’s ears. “But I love you anyways.”

Ava felt radiant. “I love you, too.”

“And now, I’m going to prove it to you by kissing you senseless – right here in the middle of the dance floor.” Beatrice declared.

Ava’s fingers danced against the nape of Beatrice’s neck, sliding forward until she cradled Beatrice’s face gently in her palms. “Oh, well, if you insist…”

“I really do.”

And she did.

-

The rest of the weekend passed by in a blur.

Saturday was spent exploring the winter pop-up art fair that had opened in the east end, and Ava had a blast wandering around the booths – sipping hot chocolate while Beatrice held her hand and joking around with Mary and Shannon while they all looked for last-minute Christmas presents. Camila and Lilith hosted a family dinner at their apartment that night, and they capped the evening off by watching some of the worst b-list Christmas movies they had ever seen.

It was freezing outside on Sunday morning, so Ava and Beatrice opted to enjoy a quiet morning at home – cuddled closely together in their bed and having lazy sex as they ignored the outside world. They only got out of bed when lunch time rolled around, and Mary and Shannon stopped by for some quality time before they headed off to a show they were seeing at a theater downtown.

Sunday night, Ava found herself tucked into Beatrice’s side on the couch in their living room, both of them nestled under their warmest blanket and pretending to pay attention to the movie they were watching while Ava peppered Beatrice’s neck with gentle kisses every few seconds. Evenings after dinner were Ava’s favorite part of the day, where she was warm and sleepy and could bask in Beatrice’s presence uninterrupted while they sipped at glasses of wine and just existed together. Tonight was even better than usual considering they both were only working half-days the next day and were taking the rest of the week off to enjoy celebrating Christmas with their friends. The idea of the upcoming break from work had them both in the holiday spirit and kept the Sunday scaries far, far away.

As Ava was just getting invested in her careful administrations against Beatrice’s pulse point – having gone so far as to completely straddle her girlfriend – the doorbell to their apartment buzzed loudly, breaking Ava and Beatrice out of the trance they had been in.

“Who in God’s name is interrupting us right now?” Ava growled, casting a glare down the hallway towards the front door. “Not to be dramatic but I might have to fight them.”

Beatrice chuckled as she gently eased Ava off her lap. “Ava, you’re pocket-sized.”

“Are you saying you don’t think I could win?”

Beatrice captured Ava’s pout with her lips before getting up from the couch. “Have some patience, love. We’ve got all night.” And then she padded down the hallway to see who was at the door.

Ava slumped back on the couch. She reached for the remote on the coffee table and switched the tv off, deciding that her and Beatrice were done pretending to watch movies. As soon as Beatrice was back, Ava planned to whisk her off to their bedroom so that they could finish what they started.

“Ava?” Beatrice called from down the hallway, breaking Ava out of her fantasy of the things she would like her girlfriend to do to her. “Can you come here for a second?”

Ava’s interest piqued at Beatrice’s hesitant tone. She quickly jumped up from the couch and made her way down the hallway. She didn’t know what she expected to find when she got to the front door, but it definitely wasn’t Beatrice standing across from a very uncomfortable looking Teresa in the doorway.

Ava’s eyebrows shot up in surprise when she noticed Teresa, who was standing just outside the apartment with her arms crossed. When Ava met her gaze, none of the hostility she had seen from the party the other night remained in Teresa’s eyes. Instead, it was replaced with a curious, calculating look.

“Teresa!” Ava greeted her, laying the enthusiasm on a little thickly. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

As she asked, Ava side eyed Beatrice, who looked just as confused as Ava felt about why Teresa had made the trip to visit them at their apartment. Beatrice just shrugged when she met Ava’s glance, giving no indication that she knew what was going on either.

“Hi, Ava.” Teresa gave a little wave before quickly crossing her arms again. “Sorry for dropping in like this. I know this is weird, I just –” Teresa broke off, letting out a long breath through her teeth as she looked down at her feet.

Seeming to steel herself, Teresa met Ava’s gaze again. “I just wanted to come by and say…thank you.”

Ava stared at her for a beat. “I – what?” She was thoroughly confused now. She looked at Beatrice again for help, but Beatrice was also staring at Teresa like she had grown a second head.

Teresa sighed, looking right now like she wanted to be anywhere but standing on Beatrice and Ava’s front doorstep. “I said – thank you.” Teresa repeated. “For introducing me to your coworker. Louise is…she’s wonderful. She told me you had planned that set up and – I just – she’s really great. So, thank you.”

Ava and Beatrice were giving Teresa matching incredulous stares. “That was really hard for you to say, wasn’t it?” Ava said bemusedly.

“It was. Please don’t make me say it again.”

Ava couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face as she leaned casually against the hallway wall, taking Teresa in. “So, you and Louise hit it off, huh?”

Teresa flushed a bit, looking almost shy as she nodded. “It has been a very interesting, unexpected weekend.”

“Oh my god, you spent the whole weekend together?” Ava was giddy with excitement. “I can’t believe Louise hasn’t texted me about it, that snake.”

“Well, we’ve been a little too busy to text…” Teresa said suggestively.

Ava let out a low whistle. “See, Beatrice,” Ava nudged her girlfriend in the side, who looked like her brain was still trying to catch up with her body. “I told you they would make sense together! Am I a genius or what?”

“What Ava means to say,” Beatrice put a steadying hand on Ava’s shoulder. “Is that we’re very happy for you and Louise.”

Teresa met Beatrice’s eyes and smiled at her. Genuinely smiled. “Thanks, Bea.”

“Okay but tell me,” Ava bounced excitedly on her toes. “What do you like best about Louise; her figure or her ass-ets?”

A beat passed.

Two beats.

“Was that an accounting joke?”

“…Yes. Yes, it was.”

Beatrice let out an exasperated sigh while Teresa pursed her lips. “And just like that, I remembered why I don’t like you.” But there was a glint of amusement in Teresa’s eyes, even as she said so.

“Oh, wait I just thought of another one!” Ava said, even as Beatrice tried to place her hand over Ava’s mouth to silence her. Ava just ducked away, shielding herself from Beatrice’s grasp. “I bet she really excelled in the sheets, am I right?”

Teresa visibly cringed while Beatrice snorted with laughter as Ava mimed playing the bu-dum-tss tune on the drums.

“I’m leaving now.” Teresa decided.

“Run.” Beatrice warned her. “Before she really gets going.”

“That one needs some auditing, I’ll admit. But come on, the material is right there for the taking.” Ava pointed out.

“Goodbye, Ava.” Teresa said, shaking her head as she turned and started to walk down the front steps.

As Teresa was walking away, Ava was hit with a sudden idea. “Teresa, wait!” She called after her.

Teresa paused at the sidewalk. “If this is another joke about my profession…”

“Camila and Lilith are hosting a game night this Friday.” Ava said. She hoped Teresa could hear the sincerity in her voice. “It’s going to be a lot of fun! And you and Louise – you should come.”

Teresa stared at Ava and Beatrice; her arms crossed as she rocked uncertainly on her heels. “I – yeah, maybe.”

“We’ll text you the details.” Ava promised. She smiled. “And I swear I’ll keep the accounting jokes to a minimum. Taxpayer's honor.”

“Goodbye, Ava.”

And then Teresa was gone, just as quickly as she had arrived.

Once they had closed the door and made their way back into their living room, Ava addressed the curious look Beatrice had been leveling at her. “What? Did I go too far by inviting her to game night? I know it’s a big step, but Camila has expressed that she’s missed being friends with Teresa and you have been wanting to smooth things over with her. And – Louise could really use some more queer friends. This is a win-win for everyone!”

“Ava,” Beatrice slipped her hands around Ava’s waist, pulling her in and capturing her lips in a kiss. Ava sank into it, relaxing completely into Beatrice’s embrace. When they broke apart, Beatrice’s eyes were sparkling as she pressed another kiss to Ava’s forehead. “How is it that I’ve known you for over eleven years and you still manage to surprise me?”

Ava pressed her forehead against Beatrice’s shoulder, smiling. “Well, someone’s got to keep things interesting around here.” She looked up, meeting her girlfriend’s expectant gaze. The many different times she had surprised Beatrice in the past briefly flashed through her mind. “But this time around, I’m only going for good surprises. Okay?”

“I like the sound of that.” And Beatrice kissed her again.

“If I’m remembering correctly,” Ava started, slightly breathless as she resurfaced for air. “We were just in the middle of something very important before we were interrupted by your ex-girlfriend.”

Beatrice grinned. “Is that right? I think my memory could use a little refreshing.”

“I could give you the play-by-play if you like.” Ava managed to get out as Beatrice’s lips found the sensitive skin under her jaw. “I could tell you exactly what we were about to do and what it is I want right now.”

“Oh?” Beatrice rasped, pressing one last kiss against Ava’s pulse point before bringing her mouth back to Ava’s again. “And what is it you want, Ava Silva?” She breathed against Ava’s lips.

And Ava felt it then.

Tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.

“I just want you, Bea.” Ava whispered reverently. “Always you.”

“I like the sound of that, too.”

Before Ava could say anything else, Beatrice was scooping her up by her thighs so that Ava could wrap her legs around Beatrice’s waist, and then she was being whisked off into their bedroom – both laughing freely in their comfort with each other. These were some of Ava’s favorite moments; when Beatrice was all hers, opened before her, love pouring out. It was her and Ava together – and they could forget the rest.

“Ava?” Beatrice propped herself up on her forearms, hovering just over Ava’s body from where they had fallen together into their bed. Ava’s cheeks were flushed with pleasure, and she couldn’t seem to stop smiling.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Ava brushed a strand of Beatrice’s hair out of her face, beaming at the warmth that radiated from Beatrice’s gentle gaze.

It was crazy to think that Ava had thought she heard Beatrice say this for the last time years ago.

It was crazy to think that there had been a moment in time where Ava had thought she would never get to hear Beatrice say it again.

No matter how much time had passed, Ava would never get tired of hearing it.

“I love you, too.”

-

Ava arrived at the office earlier than usual on Monday – wanting to get started on her tasks for the day as soon as possible so that she could finish up and start her PTO early. The office was still relatively empty, with only a few of Ava’s coworkers already occupying their desk spaces. Ava set her backpack at the foot of her desk, pulling out her work laptop and plugging it in on her desk. She took off her winter jacket and hung it on the back of her chair and was just logging into her email when she was startled so violently that she nearly fell out of her desk chair.

“AVA. SILVA.”

Everyone in the open office spaced jumped as Louise came barreling into the office, still bundled up in her puffy North Face jacket. There was a manic look in her eyes that had Ava momentarily afraid for her well-being as Louise strode over to her desk.

“Ava motherfucking Silva.” Louise said, just a decibel quieter than before. And then Ava was being pulled up and out of her chair and into Louise’s crushing embrace.

“What is happening right now?” Ava questioned, even as she hugged Louise back – never one to forego physical shows of affection.

“Ava! You wonderful, beautiful, incredible human being you!” When Louise finally let Ava go, she was beaming with happiness. “Thank you thank you thank you!”

“Ohhh, this is about Teresa.” Ava clued in. “I take it things are going well?”

“So. Well.” Louise gripped Ava’s shoulders, shaking her slightly. “She’s perfect. Like, literally perfect! I can’t believe we’ve been living in the same city for years and haven’t found each other before now. I feel – I feel seen. I feel completed. I feel whole.”

Ava placed a hand over her mouth to hide her laughter. “Wow, I am so happy for the two of you!”

“I owe you a million favors, Ava. Anything you want. Anything you need. You name it and it’s yours.”

The dramatics of it all had Ava in stitches, but she did her best to maintain her composure, even as Louise proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes describing to Ava exactly how her magical weekend with Teresa had gone – sparing no details. Ava didn’t think she would ever be the same again after hearing exactly what Beatrice’s ex-girlfriend was like in bed.

It was a scarring experience, to say the least.

“Louise,” Ava broke in, interrupting her coworker’s tale of how Teresa had decided to wake her up the previous morning. “I love you, but I’m gonna have to call in one of those million favors you just promised me and stop you right there.”

Louise looked sheepish. “Sorry, sorry. I’m just…excited, you know? I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about someone before. Especially not this quickly.” Ava nodded her understanding. “Do you have any advice with her, Ava? I really don’t want to mess this up.”

Ava took Louise in. She looked so earnest – so smitten with the idea of her new love interest. Ava truly was so happy for her.

“Just…be yourself. Trust your instincts. And always be honest with her.” Ava thought about her own relationship and all of the mistakes, both big and little, that she had made along the way. “If this is really what you want, then fight for her. Every day.”

Louise’s smile was soft. Ava felt very hopeful for her friend’s future.

“Oh, and puns.” Ava couldn’t help but add in. “Teresa loves a good pun. Especially when it’s about her profession. Trust me on that one.”

(Ava would deal with the consequences of that later).

Beatrice [8:26 am]: Is it dumb that I just saw you 30 minutes ago and I already miss you like crazy?

Beatrice [8:26 am]: And I know I’ll see you again in 4 hours but that feels too far away :(

Beatrice [8:27 am]: I love you my sweet darling Ava, can’t wait to go home to you!!

Ava felt her stomach erupt with butterflies when she checked her phone after Louise left her to get started on work. Beatrice was so cute sometimes (read: all the time).

Ava [8:53 am]: Beaaaaaa I love you too!!

Ava [8:53 am]: So fucking much!

Ava [8:54 am]: Also, Louise is down BAD for Teresa lmao

Ava [8:54 am]: I just learned way too much info about their sex life and I will never be the same I fear

Ava [8:55 am]: Might need to bathe my brain with bleach when I get home…

Beatrice [9:03 am]: Oh lord. Guess this is really happening huh?

Ava [9:05 am]: I’m afraid so…I’ve created a monster

Beatrice [9:06 am]: This is what you get for being so selfless…

Ava [9:09 am]: It’s overrated. I’m reverting back to my old ways asap life was so much more peaceful that way

Beatrice [9:10 am]: Lol, so dramatic

Ava [9:11 am]: Anyways…I’m planning to pick up lunch from Rue Café on my way home

Ava [9:11 am]: Want your usual?

Beatrice [9:13 am]: Wait! I was also planning on stopping at Rue for lunch!!

Ava [9:14 am]: I’m obsessed with how in sync we are

Ava [9:15 am]: How about we meet there?

Beatrice [9:17 am]: It’s a date :)

Ava [9:18 am]: :)

Ava [9:20 am]: Ok, I’m going to attempt to get my work done so that I won’t be late. Have a wonderful time saving the world and I’ll see you so soon!

Ava [9:20 am]: I love you, Bea!

Beatrice [9:21 am]: I love you, too

Beatrice [9:22 am]: Always

As Ava put her phone away and dove headfirst into her work, she knew - without a doubt - that Beatrice meant it.

Eleven years of friendship and heartbreak and endless amounts of love – and Beatrice had always meant it.

(Ava couldn't wait to go home).

(She found herself smiling for the rest of the day).