Chapter Text
Chapter 9: Avicularia purpurea
Alias: Kaito Momota
Preferred Name: Kaito
Agility: ★★★
Defense: ★★★
Charisma: ★★★★★
Difficulty to Handle: ★
Reasonability of Requests: ★★★★
Threat to the Academy: ★
Threat to Sanity: ★★
Usual Locations: Ultimate Astronaut, Assassin, Detective, and Pianist Talent Lab, Hope’s Peak Academy Life and Physical Sciences Wing, Gymnasium, Planetarium, Nurse’s Office, and Campus Courtyard Lawn, Hinata-san’s dormitory.
Commentary: Charismatic in an unorthodox way and has the ability to rally a diverse crowd for purposes that are more often than not, pointless… but mean well. Oh, it appears that he is quite terrified of ghosts as well.
Problem: Ouma, along with other mischievous students, have shaved the Ultimate Astronaut’s goatee in his sleep. Momota has decided to take “preventative measures” by booby trapping his room but has gotten caught in his own traps.
Do: Begin by encouraging him to report these misdemeanors to the appropriate upperclassmen or instructors. It is, however, strongly likely that these will not deter the pranksters. Applying a false goatee or requesting Shirogane to draw a replacement may temporarily soothe his ego, though they are not permanent solutions. I am unsure as to whether layering false goatees will be effective, but I suppose it is worth considering. In the meantime, I would recommend security cameras to monitor the pranks and trespassing for clear evidence. You may also consider remaining in Momota’s room overnight to ensure the safety of his facial hair.
Do Not: No matter how much Momota insists that duct taping himself to the ceiling would reduce the chance of being victim to pranks, there are many reasons not to do that. Least of all, it would leave him a sitting duck even if his traps did manage to work. Though he is not prone toward encouraging harming others, it would behoove you to dissuade him from creating any traps that may make other students incur bodily harm, for example leaving marbles all over his room (that he will undoubtedly slip on in the morning), cling wrapping the doorframe, setting buckets of paint over his door, or Yonaga’s god forbid, rat poison-laced cheese .
As you may recall from basic biology, these poisons are effective against rats because they are emetics. Rodents do not possess the ability to vomit. As you also may recall, humans can.
Perhaps this is best expressed through an anecdote.
In a bid to develop strategies to rid his room of “the purple rat,” Momota took it upon himself to complain to anyone who would listen, myself included. While I advised not engaging Ouma to remove the enjoyment of a reaction, Kimura-san overheard his complaints, and in her infinite kindness, planted rat poison-laced cheese in Momota’s room, citing a runaway specimen that she had been attempting to track down that week. The next morning, this rather unfortunate misinformed gesture of kindness resulted in, to Momota and Kimura-san’s horror, multiple prone bodies strewn about out on the floor surrounded by puddles of vomit.
As luck would have it, the entire “Herb Appreciation” club was particularly inclined for some “cheesy goodness” that evening after an… indulgent day of assisting Bandai-san. As they stumbled through the campus in the complete opposite direction of the kitchen, they discovered the aforementioned floor cheese* and collectively decided it was their most appetizing option. In their inebriated feast, they failed to taste the poison, thus beginning an incredibly miserable evening for them.
And an incredibly troubling morning for us.
Miraculously, I have reason to believe that Hagakure-san had a multi-pack of crackers on him, based on the crumbs swept up and the contents of Yumeno and Amami’s stomachs. Some may be inclined to believe that under normal circumstances, this would have been a rather appetizing midnight snack. Iruma, on the other hand, fell out of her chair laughing after our class was informed and stated “those fuckers deserved it for eating that shitty rank, stank-ass shark coochie board.”
I digress.
Perhaps most surprising is the fact that soon after getting over his initial shock, Momota declared Kimura-san a genius, and requested she make more of the laced cheese, stating “he’ll get that purple plague-ridden rat next time.”
That will be an issue for later.
*For readers who may be wondering, the cheese was Brie. Under typical consumption conditions, it is quite tasty when melted.
Problem: Momota has expressed a desire to “get swole” and mentions it is “bulking season” or “time to get huge,” but is impeded by his health condition (though it is not for a lack of trying.)
Do: Recommend he speak to the Ultimate Team Manager to train him personally, as Nidai-san has experience training athletes with medical and physical limitations in mind. His limitless energy rivals even that of Momota and will keep him motivated even if his progression is not at the “Sanic speed” rate he desires. As Nidai-san is also Momota’s assigned upperclassman mentor, I imagine he would be more than happy to assist in developing a training plan. Take care to remind him that consistent work, careful meal prepping, and adequate sleep will yield results.
It may be necessary during a “bulk” to consume more calories than one typically would for the purpose of building more muscle during the subsequent, calculated “cut.” Lean proteins, healthy fats, high-quality carbohydrates, and leafy greens are all excellent options. Do make sure to refer the Ultimate Astronaut to the nurse’s office for consistent physical examinations to ensure his “bulks” and “cuts'' are reasonable and do not excessively exceed/go below maintenance calories. Furthermore, they should ensure he does not push his body to unhealthy extremes despite his aspirations to overcome what he perceives as his weakness.
Do Not: Involve Owari-san in his training request. The Ultimate Gymnast’s impulsive urge to engage any willing student in combat will undoubtedly inhibit Momota’s goal and land him at best bedridden, and at worst in the hospital. This will also enable Momota’s tendency to act without thinking, demonstrated in later issues to cause problems with other students beyond Owari.
Should she be stopped from a physical brawl, an eating contest will be the next thing to occur, as Momota will still want to prove he’s AMMMCMMW* or “As Manly as Manly Men Come in a Manly Man's World” to his opponent. Subsequently, Enoshima-san will appear out of nowhere along with the school mascot holding a microphone and camera, and begin emceeing a schoolwide eating contest event (now officially dubbed the Great Yack Attack by the student body.) Do not question how Hanamura-san was able to cook enough food to support these… extracurriculars. Do expect strange “cursed mukbang” videos to be uploaded.
*Momota’s recurring catchphrase when speaking about himself. Brevity truly is the soul of wit.
Note: Vomit can be challenging, but not impossible to clean from house slippers. I also recommend against allowing Momota to ask Kimura-san to synthesize performance-enhancing drugs and Iruma about “hormones.”
Problem: During colder months, Momota is beginning to struggle with the cold, but cannot bring himself to wear his coat properly, nor is he capable of hanging a third layer from his shoulders because it “ruins his drip.”
Do: Frustrating idiosyncrasies, comparisons to “coat rack cosplaying,” and potential limitations of intellect aside, the most practical solution, aside from attempting to dissuade his outdoor endeavors (which is rather futile in the face of his unmatched energy), is to provide him with heating pads, thermal gloves, and extra layers that are not impacted by his strange tendencies. For example, actual shoes. I am confident Shirogane would have ideas on maintaining the authenticity of one’s “look” while not sacrificing comfort, though some (Ouma) may consider that a “skill issue.”
Do Not: Though you are the Ultimate Maid, I draw the line at providing thermal underwear. Once again, you are not his mother (though students may make you feel as if you are running a daycare), and Momota is old enough to purchase it on his own— the student store* will suffice. On that note, Momota may tie a blanket around his chest, mimicking that of a superhero cape.
*Or, inexplicably, Saihara’s room. I have found a collection of various undergarments in a drawer.
In this case it may be effectively warm enough for a short journey outdoors; however, it is incredibly inefficient should he be stricken by the sudden urge to frolic through the snow “exploring the unknown.” Far too many blankets have been lost until spring, and it would not be the first time I have retrieved a frozen party of students and their makeshift “capes” outside. You may also consider checking the Ultimate Chef’s walk-in freezer for stragglers. Do not underestimate your classmates’ imagination.
Problem: Momota has upset Harukawa but is unable to determine why due to his honest nature conflicting with her less communicative personality, and is requesting help in apologizing to her in a manner befitting “Maki-roll.”
Do: Before this entry, it should be noted that this is a relationship issue and should not be meddled with unless requested so. From my limited, non-professional knowledge, this may be from different communication styles. This is not a deal-breaker, but if both parties are not aware of such differences or have not found a style in which each individual feels heard, it may interfere with the relationship. I do not wish to assume anything about the details of my classmates’ relationship, but will say that letting Harukawa feel comfortable expressing her feelings at her own pace would be optimal. That being said, a relationship is a two-way street. All parties should be willing to make an effort to accommodate their partner’s needs, and it is unreasonable to expect one’s mind to be read.
For further suggestions, I would recommend Akamatsu, who, beyond being a generally accommodating person, is also our class representative. This position is particularly challenging, as it requires one to listen, acknowledge, and account for the opinions of various students, many of which will contradict each other. Whether he chooses to discuss personal matters with Akamatsu is entirely his decision, but her experience as class representative will likely provide valuable insight.
Do Not: Momota has an active imagination. This often leads his mind to wander to rather unusual suggestions, and he may begin to overthink on what would be an appropriate apology. Examples include serenading her with a midnight apology outside her dorm window, requesting Hanamura-san to make maki rolls arranged in her likeness, and posting apology notes outside of her room. To his credit, none of his suggestions are inappropriate.
However, they are likely to embarrass Harukawa and/or are more befitting for Valentine’s Day. A simple, concise apology will do the job, and if he must include a token, I would recommend flowers, a beverage, or food. This is not to say that words are more powerful than actions—I would argue otherwise, in some cases—but the emphasis should be on acknowledging one’s wrongdoing, as opposed to using gifts as a distraction.
Problem: Momota claims the “Luminary of the Stars” doesn’t need help, despite clearly having difficulty breathing, struggling to carry materials to set up a social event, and coughing up blood.
Do: Since his diagnosis, Momota has been taking care to prioritize his health through a daily exercise regimen and balanced diet. Though he appears to be doing well and maintains his high morale, I am inclined to suspect this is a bid to not have others worry about him as to not be pitied. Furthermore, Momota is well known for hosting the majority of our class social events, and I suspect that he feels obligated to attend the socials he plans.
These are all perfectly normal sentiments, and I do not imagine that most of our peers would have the intention of patronizing him. In fact, in their own ways, they would be rather understanding. That being said, there is a difference between respecting his decisions on how to manage chronic illness and allowing Momota to slowly burn himself out. Continue to take a compassionate, nonjudgmental approach by remaining open-minded to what he states, but do not hesitate to point out that he will need to conserve some energy lest he become prematurely exhausted prior to the event, and coughing up blood will quickly sour the mood (no matter how much he protests that he can take painkillers.)
After all, what good is an unresponsive host?
If the Astronaut appears to be amenable to the idea, you may also consider suggesting covering the clean up duty, knowing Harukawa will likely drag him away to his dorm to rest.
Do Not: Say anything similar to “get well soon” or “everything happens for a reason.” Such remarks are frankly insensitive and place further burden on the individual, who may already feel guilty for needing help. I would also advise against taking over his self-imposed responsibilities without a proper consultation. Evidently, Momota enjoys hosting these events, and should not be deprived of this.
Problem: Momota has caught wind of sounds late at night and, after being told a false tale about a student being impaled in the dorm showers, believes he is being haunted by a ghost. Consequently, he has not slept in his dorm since.
Do: Inspect Momota’s dorm. It is possible that with the summer breeze and leaving his window ajar, the sound of wind whistling may be misinterpreted as a ghost to the already paranoid astronaut. I would also recommend checking Ouma or Yonaga’s usual hiding spots in the room, along with any suspicious electronic contraptions or numbers painted on the wall. Curiously, 11307 appears to be a frequently written number.
Do Not: Return to your dorm without inspecting the common room and arming yourself with a pair of scissors. As he is not allowed near the women’s dorms (to address the inevitable question of whether he would ask Harukawa to share her dorm), Momota will likely be sleeping in the common room, which has a large TV against the wall in the sitting area. Unfortunately, this leaves him vulnerable to an elaborate prank led by Ouma, Shirogane, Iruma, Shinguji, and Yonaga.
Allow me to elaborate.
Begin by inspecting the TV to ensure the screen has not been removed and replaced with a hyper realistic hologram. In the event it is, look behind the screen and in the walls for a tunnel leading to the school vent system. Proceed by inspecting the vent for a lack of dust, long hair, and paint. Assuming all three criteria have been met, it is highly likely that the following plan will be set into motion: Yonaga will recreate the setting of a well-known horror movie by painting the walls and furniture. Iruma, who drilled into the school walls, will cause the hologram to flicker, and Shirogane will apply makeup to Shinguji’s face, who will then emerge from the TV and crawl towards Momota, face bowed and covered by his hair. Finally, Ouma, knowing Momota will panic, will lock the door and run into the hidden tunnel behind the TV.
Now nearly face-to-face, Shinguji will then proceed to stare at the astronaut until he wakes up, and in the ensuing chaos, chase him on all fours around the common room as Momota inevitably screams, runs towards the locked exit, then changes paths to the women’s dorms, begging for Harukawa to help him. It will be highly likely that he repeats this predictable path multiple times before attempting to dive out of a window. That being said, our dorm building windows are quite sturdy, and I do not have faith in the Mohs scale score of Momota’s skull.
To put Momota out of his misery, step towards Shinguji, scissors visibly out, and threaten to cut his hair. If the anthropologist is uncooperative—which may take the form of attempting to seduce you— follow through with your threat.
The following are complaints I have received about Momota.
Problem: Momota has requested Souda to build and launch a rocket prototype, and is eager to launch it. In the middle of campus.
Do: Remind Momota and Souda that as exciting as this invention is for the two of them, carelessly launching it in the Academy will endanger students and staff. If they must, the launch should occur in a carefully sanctioned area of the Technology and Engineering wing, away from main buildings. One should also prepare to divert the rocket away from civilization in the case of engine failure.
Do Not: Allow Momota to stow away on the rocket or Enoshima-san to “volunteer” Headmaster Kirigiri as co-pilot. Improper conduct aside, until Momota’s condition stabilizes, under no circumstances is he currently equipped to safely pilot it. This holds true especially as he previously crashed into the ceiling and was left dangling for hours until safe retrieval. As much as Momota wishes to see “that cool half-mineral, half-animal human-shaped meteor ‘Kars’” and “sussy amogus astronauts,” such wishes can be reserved for the stars.
Observed in the sky. On Earth.
There will be plenty of stars and planets for Momota to explore following graduation… besides the glow-in-the-dark ones affixed to his dorm ceiling.
Problem: The Hope’s Peak Elementary Division has expressed complaints about Momota hijacking classes when Harukawa visits.
Do: Though well-intentioned in supporting Harukawa, such workplace visits are disruptive and significantly prevent the visitee from performing their tasks properly. For example, they may put one in an uncomfortable situation where they do not wish to upset their partner by rejecting gestures of affection, but simultaneously must remain professional in the presence of a supervisor. Perhaps limiting “guest appearances” to astronomy or his experience as an astronaut-in-training would be more appropriate for an educational environment… Momota is very well-versed on these subjects. I would not be surprised if he is both an engaging and interactive lecturer, optimal for young children.
Do Not: Allow Momota to bring a miniature rocket or gravity simulator to campus. Such equipment risks endangering the children, and it goes without saying that they are ill-equipped for space exploration. If not for Harukawa’s quick reflexes, many would have fallen on their face after switching off the gravity simulator. Perhaps Iruma can optimize the equipment radius to allow for remote operation in the hands of someone more mindful of young children .
Problem: Momota’s tendency to “punch first, ask later” has led to a number of cross-class battles, risking damage to school property… again.
Do: Encourage him to move to a more appropriate setting. Ideally, fights would be held in the Athletics’ dojo, but unsurprisingly, many will be impromptu with extremely limited time to convince the parties involved to relocate. At the very least, stepping outside into the courtyard will be a significant improvement in comparison to brawling amidst the numerous rooms full of costly equipment, given the high chance of someone being punched through a wall.
Do Not: Use your Iruma-modified vacuum at maximum power to remove debris. Though a very well-made, rather innocuous tool, it inexplicably has a mind of its own if turned to full power, and is powerful enough to suck people inside it. This has, in previous incidents, resulted in the small pink vacuum taking on the visage of its victim after “swallowing” them. In the case of an inhaled Momota, Kuwata-san and Nidai-san will proceed to attempt a two-versus-one battle on the vacuum to avenge him, shouting “Falcon Punch!”
You will then have created more work for yourself.
Problem: Momota’s mildly misogynistic beliefs have put him at odds with a number of female classmates, including Harukawa— despite their relationship.
Do: Acknowledge that the values in which his grandparents raised him were a product of their time, but simultaneously emphasize that women are not inherently victims in need of protection. Such a gesture, though with seemingly good intentions, does not resolve the imbalance “scale” between men and women, as men are elevated through becoming “saviors,” therefore suggesting an implicit debt to be paid. Rather, if Momota truly wishes to assist women, focusing his efforts on holding other men accountable would be more productive than shielding women from the “dangers of the world.” It would be a disservice to the many talented women at Hope’s Peak.
Do Not: Allow Chabashira to “assist” in “educating” Momota. Though you may agree with her opinions, her tendency to jump to conclusions may put Momota on the defensive, especially as there is a high likelihood the Neo-Aikido Master will proceed to insult his grandparents for their outdated values. Beliefs are rarely changed in a single day, and I have found that consistently pointing out instances that support one’s perspective are far more effective in convincing someone… as opposed to berating without an explanation.
Especially for logical, scientifically-inclined individuals.
Problem: Though no longer a smoker, Momota remains reliant on nicotine patches. However, when he runs out, his frantic search for relief has become a distraction to the Herb Appreciation Club and nurse’s office.
Do: Neutralize the situation by retrieving patches from the local pharmacy, as they will likely be very familiar with Hope’s Peak personnel. As you are also under the legal age to smoke, you may potentially require Kimura-san to accompany or sign off on the request.
Do Not: Allow him to roam freely, as during his withdrawals, Momota often begins to have an altered perception of reality. In an attempt to protect others due to the high chance of him taking a hostage. Harukawa, Ouma, and Saihara tend to be common candidates, though due to his girlfriend being able to easily overpower him, Ouma is usually chosen (though I suspect the Supreme Leader complies intentionally).
Problem: Momota’s social events, while well-attended, have received multiple complaints about excessive rowdiness, strobe lights, and/or damage to campus.
Do: In the spirit of inter-grade level unity, Momota is known to host themed Friday game nights ranging from, but not limited to, “Line Feud,” “Wipeout,” “Momota’s Castle,” and “Silent Library.” Surprisingly, these events have strong turnout, perhaps due to their immense entertainment value… which often occurs at the cost of others’ wellbeing. To date, most noise complaints have been from the Gentleman’s Association (GA), which has weekly etiquette lessons scheduled on Fridays as well.
Togami-san frequently dispatches a GA member as a messenger requesting the festivities be kept at a minimum. To avoid an inconvenience to both Momota and the Gentleman’s Association, prior to game nights, politely remind Momota of the consequences of campus damage and violating curfew hours (deductions from class funds). Depending on how “lit” things are, please also take care to remind him that “yeeeeeahhh boiii esketit baybee” is not a clear verbal acknowledgement of your warning. Prepare yourself to thoroughly clean the venue(s) following the event.
That being said, game nights are acceptable events to host by the Academy’s rules, and it would be unreasonable for Togami-san to expect complete silence on a Friday evening.
Do Not: Allow Shinguji to make “suggestions.” It is highly likely for the messenger (and the ones that follow, as multiple will be sent in succession) will return unsuccessful. In Gokuhara’s case, additional structural damage from bursting through the walls due to his sheer might. It is also highly likely Ludenberg-san, attracted by the various rewards and/or gambles involved, will volunteer herself as messenger. Finally, one can anticipate Shinguji to “suggest'' that Togami-san leverage the entire GA’s commandeering presence in an attempt to intimidate game night into silence.
However, the anthropologist’s motivations are far from sincere, and I strongly suspect Shinguji is only interested in watching Togami-san play “The Price is Right” as a means to humiliate him. Further complicating the situation is how Shinguji will conspire with Ludenberg-san, as she is known to taunt Togami-san into playing by questioning his knowledge of standard market prices. Nevertheless, a maid can only fulfill requests and offer suggestions, and until you are specifically requested to assist Togami-san save face—a rather unlikely request from him— you will have no choice but to watch the Ultimate Affluent Progeny dig himself into a hole that is rather difficult to escape. Especially if Syo-san decides to compete on the opposing team for the mysterious “reward.”
There is a near certain chance that Momota will grasp tightly onto the podium as he nearly punctures his lungs laughing, wheezing out blood in the process.
Taken together, Momota is certainly a dynamic individual in our class. A natural-born leader, few dress, dream, and live as boldly as he does, and there is something to be said about the confidence he instills in others. Certainly, his presence provides sorely needed levity. I am certain that, for all the jokes made at his expense about being a simple coward, he is truly a dedicated young man willing to selflessly shoulder the burdens of many.
That, in itself, is commendable.
His common sense, however, is not.