Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hera stood outside of Kanan’s door, just as she had done many times in past years. Her fingers lingered over the keypad that would allow her entry into the room just as soon as she typed in the five-digit code. As captain of the Ghost, Hera had the power to override any of her shipmates’ locked quarters, though she never did—not until today, that is.

 Just as she went to type the first digit into the keypad, the door swished open for her. A small, surprised grin spread across Hera’s face as she walked into Kanan’s room.

“You haven’t done that in awhile,” Hera said, referring to Kanan opening his door with the Force, as she approached him. He was sitting up in bed with the sheets covering up to his hips and his hands were folded in his lap.

“It has been awhile, hasn’t it?” Kanan replied, and even though Hera couldn’t see his eyes due to the gauzy bandages that were currently covering them, she imagined there was a little sparkle behind them. “I sensed your presence.”

The small grin on Hera’s lips grew wider.

“How are you doing?” she asked.

Kanan shrugged. “I’m fine. How’s everyone else? How’s Ezra?”

Hera sat on the edge of the bed. “He’s okay. We’re all okay.” That wasn’t entirely true. They were all worried about Kanan—Ezra and Hera especially.

ince getting back to the Ghost after his experience on Malachor, Kanan had been withdrawn. He had told everyone that he just needed some time to recuperate physically, but Hera knew that this was basically a lie. He had been given medical clearance before being allowed to return to the Ghost. Kanan was blind now and would be for the rest of his life. At this point, Kanan was as physically fine as he’d ever be.   It was Kanan’s mental state that was keeping him in his room and away from his friends and partners.

“When do you take the bandages off?” Hera asked, as she moved from the edge of the bed so that she was sitting up beside him, her back leaning against the headboard just as Kanan’s was.

“You haven’t done that in awhile,” Kanan asked, ignoring her question while also mirroring the statement she made moments ago.

“Done what?” Hera questioned. She was looking down at his hands folded in his lap. She wanted so much to take his hand in hers and hold it.

“Gotten into bed with me,” Kanan said, turning his head and smirking at her.

Hera rolled her eyes and then, with a twinge of sadness, realized that he couldn’t see her eye roll, which had become the typical reaction to his coquettish comments.

Kanan was right though. It had been years since they’d been in bed together. When he first joined on as her crewmate, Hera had kept their relationship completely professional. Eventually though, Kanan wore her down with his charm and his goodwill, and she realized that she had fallen for him. Finally, almost a year exactly after he had joined up, Hera found herself in Kanan’s bed, and their relationship began. It wasn’t just a physical relationship either. It was clear to both Hera and Kanan that what they shared was much deeper than sex. They had become, in every since of the word, partners.

They lived like that for about five years, just the two of them, flying through the galaxy, trying to bring aid to those suffering from the Empire’s cruelty. Then, by happenstance, they took on a Lasat solider named Zeb, and he wound up joining their team permanently. Having a third person onboard the Ghost definitely cooled things down for Hera and Kanan. They still managed to sneak into each other’s rooms from time to time, but they never flaunted their relationship in the open.

A little over a year after that, they took on a teenager, Mandalorian Sabine Wren. By that point, their secretly shared moments became scarce. It was different now, sneaking around with a child aboard. There had never been any discussion between them about this as the moments became less and less frequent. Hera knew that it was clear to Kanan, just as it was to her, that their responsibilities were increasing, their operations were getting more intense, and they had less time for themselves.

By the time they took Ezra onboard, their physical relationship had ceased completely. They were still incredibly close, but their physical intimacy had seemed to run its course.

“You’re right. It has been,” Hera said, agreeing with Kanan’s snarky statement. “So, what about the bandages?”

Kanan tensed up at the persistent question. “I can take them off anytime. The medical droid said they’ve been on long enough.”

He still wasn’t completely answering her question, but she let it go. The last thing she wanted was to upset him.

“Ezra’s ready to get back to training,” Hera told him, changing the subject.

“I’ll be ready to start back soon,” Kanan replied. Hera knew him well enough though to hear the undertones of uncertainty in his voice. She didn’t need the Force to know that he was terrified of getting back out there and continuing his Padawan’s training.

“Kanan…” she said gently, her hand still itching to take his.

“Hera,” Kanan answered, his voice somehow managed to be both flippant and cautioning.

“You can’t stay holed up in here for forever, love.”

“I’m not,” Kanan replied, anger seeping into his voice.

Hera didn’t let him deter her. “We’ve barely seen you since you’ve come back aboard. We’re worried about you. I’m worried about you.”

“You don’t need to be. I told you I’m fine.”

Hera sighed and finally decided to take Kanan’s hand. She squeezed it before bringing up to her chest, near her heart. “Talk to me.”

Kanan didn’t immediately answer, and Hera grew worried that he might never open up to her about this. She couldn’t imagine him being like this forever.

“I’m not sure I know how to live like this,” he told her finally.

“You’ll adapt,” Hera responded. “You did it before, and you’ll do it now.”

“It’s different this time though. I can’t see.”

His voice was raw now, and it broke Hera’s heart.

“Like I said, you’ll adapt. And we’ll help you along the way.”

Hera wasn’t sure about many things, but she was sure about that. Kanan was strong and resilient. He’d learn how to maneuver through this new way of life.

Kanan removed his hand from Hera’s, and, for a moment, she thought her response had upset him. Instead though, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into him. It was the closest physically they’d been to each other in awhile. Sure, they’d shared hugs, but this was different because it was just the two of them now.

Hera interpreted Kanan’s gesture as a “thank you.” She curled into him, and the two just sat like that, holding each other for a few minutes. Kanan drew small circles on her upper arm with his fingers, while Hera lightly stroked Kanan’s thigh. She had missed these moments more than she had realized.

“I’ve missed this too,” Kanan told her.

Hera cocked her head up at him. “You heard me?”

“Sort of. Being blind…it kind of opens me up into the Force in ways I didn’t have before. You know I was always pretty good at sensing your mood before, but now it’s like my senses are magnified. I can’t hear your exact thoughts or anything, don’t worry. I can just tell what you’re feeling in an even deeper, clearer way.”

“Can you do that with just me?”

“It’s easiest with you,” Kanan answered. “But I can sense it with the others as well.”

“So I’m special?” Hera asked affectionately, resting her head back down on his shoulder.

“You know you are,” Kanan chuckled. Hera’s head bounced a little against Kanan’s shoulder, as his body vibrated with the laughter.

“You’re special too. You’re going to get through this, and you’re going to be better for it.”

Kanan sighed. “I know. I’m just scared I can’t be for everyone what I used to be.”

“Yes, you can. Ezra needs you to teach him, so you’ll continue to teach him. Zeb needs you to help keep him calm and collected, so you’ll continue to do that. Sabine needs your steadiness and your guidance, so you’ll continue to do that. You don’t need your sight for any of that. And I—well, I just need you.”

“I need you too,” Kanan told her.

“And you’ll always have me.”

“Thanks, Hera.”

“Of course, love."

Hera removed herself from his arm and climbed over Kanan so that she was almost in a straddling position with her knees on either side of Kanan’s body.

Kanan found Hera’s hips with his hands, grabbed onto her, and said, “Not to repeat myself, but you haven’t done that in awhile either.” His voice was low and serious, but Hera still caught the hint of a smirk on his lips.

“I’m rolling my eyes right now, just so you know,” Hera said, though her voice was affectionate. Then, in an even more tender voice, she said, “Now, you’re going to let me remove these bandages, okay?”

Kanan just nodded in response, so Hera got to work.

She began unwrapping the gauzy white bandages and eventually Kanan’s first eye was revealed. His formerly beautiful turquoise eyes were now a milky gray. Aware that he might be able to sense her pain at this discovery, Hera leaned in and kissed his eye, focusing all of her energy on making sure Kanan realized that his eyes didn’t matter to her.

She continued removing the bandage and saw that a dark horizontal scar ran across the top of his nose. She kissed there too, and when she did, Kanan’s hands tightened on her hips, but he didn’t say anything. Finally, she removed the last of the gauzy dressing from his other eye before kissing that eye as well.

“There. Finished” she announced, as she pushed a few strands of his dark hair away from his face.

Kanan grabbed her hands and pulled her down so that she was sitting in his lap. “I know it’s been a long time since we’ve said this out loud, but I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Kanan leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Hera’s. Hera welcomed the kiss, languidly opening her mouth to him. As Kanan kissed her, he wrapped his arms around her whole body, pulling her closer to him. Hera let out a little surprised squeak, and when they went in for their next kiss, she felt Kanan smile against her lips.

As they kissed, memories of similar moments flashed through Hera’s mind. In their younger days, so much of their physical relationship had been intensely passionate, almost to the point of franticness. It was as if they knew then that they were on borrowed time, that they wouldn’t be able to live like that forever.

Now though, as they kissed each other tenderly and unhurriedly, Hera felt like they had all the time in the world. She knew in actuality that they did not—soon they’d have to get back to the reality of the rebellion—but in this moment, she pretended that they could stay like this forever.

Finally, they broke apart, and Hera looked up at the man she had loved for so long. “I’m going to say one more thing, and then I’m going to need you to get out of bed and do your best at fixing us some food. Sabine’s cooking has been awful, and I don't think we can take another day of it.”

“Okay,” Kanan said.

Hera smiled broadly, hoping he could feel her smile and her warmth even if he couldn’t see it. “We haven’t—“

“Done that in awhile,” Kanan finished for her. “Yeah, I know.”

“Well, maybe we could try to do it more often,” she told him, as she stroked his beard. “Pick up where we left off?”

“Is this sympathy?” Kanan asked. Hera had a hard time reading the peculiar expression on his face.

Hera shook her head. “No, of course not. I just think that with all that’s happened, it’s kind of set my priorities straight.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that we got so caught up in fighting the Empire and taking care of this little family we built that we forgot to fight for and take care of ourselves too. When you were gone on Malachor, I kept remembering all the amazing times we had together in the early days. But I couldn’t remember the last time we kissed, and it killed me. If anything like that ever happens again—to either of us—I want to remember our last kiss.”

“It was the night we celebrated Sabine’s seventeenth birthday. Everyone else had gone to bed, and you and I were cleaning up the mess the four of us had made in the galley. You told me that I made a delicious birthday cake, and I—“

“You said, ‘Not as delicious as you’,” Hera finished, now remembering. “You thought you were so smooth.”

“I was smooth,” Kanan answered, before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. “You couldn’t resist me after that comment.”

Hera laughed. “We never did finish cleaning up the galley.”

“No, we didn’t,” Kanan agreed, also laughing at the memory.

“Well, maybe if you make a delicious meal tonight…” Hera trailed off, as she got out of Kanan’s lap and hopped off the bed.

As he got out of the bed, Kanan beamed at Hera with that roguish expression she had fallen in love with all those years ago. “It’ll be the best meal you’ve ever eaten then,” he told her.

“That’s the Kanan I know and love,” she said, giving him a quick peck on the lips before the two of them exited his room and made their way to the galley.